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The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity. Welcome to the Weekly Humorist Podcast! Featuring audio articles from the pages of the Weekly Humorist. Curated picks from the editors you...
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The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity. Welcome to the Weekly Humorist Podcast! Featuring audio articles from the pages of the Weekly Humorist. Curated picks from the editors you are sure to enjoy. Great for the illiterate and/or lazy fans! Tell your friends. Visit online at weeklyhumorist.com
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The Weekly Humorist Podcast
The Weekly Humorist Podcast
Transcribed
20 SEP 2024 · Hey, how's it going, girl from my high school? It's been a while. Hope everything's hunky-dory. I just wanted to inform you that some sicko using your social media pictures followed me with the hopes that I'd buy lewd content from them. Gross, right? I knew this was a scam right away, which is why I came to you first instead of spending my entire week's paycheck on some bare feet photos. Ew, yucky!
Yep. As soon as I got the message, "Does my sexy little cupcake want to take a suck on mommy's toeys?" it was an instant report. Wasn't going to be fooled that easily. I'm sure some sad loser who used to crush on you would have immediately torn up the apartment in search of their wallet like a crazed jackal looking to get some hot foot action, but not me!
Honestly, so not cool of this person to use your images without your consent. Even worse for them to promise me a great deal on 10 pairs of stinky worn socks if I gave them my full legal name, home address, credit card info, and social security number. I mean, who's so desperately horny to fall for that one?
Sorry I didn't reach out sooner. I was on the phone arguing with my bank for the past 3 hours due to reasons that are not important to elaborate on. What is important is that we take this account down pronto. Don't want anyone's family photo albums to be deleted by malware because they clicked a link for what they thought was going to be you doing ASMR foot play dressed as Lola Bunny, which is what I'm presuming will happen as I did not click the link.
Just know that I'm going to do everything in my power to help you get this imposter account removed from the internet because I care about you. Platonically, of course. Also, it would be best to get ahead of this perp in case, theoretically, they have any embarrassing nudes that were sent to them by a naive but well-meaning guy and are currently being used as blackmail.
Off-topic: but if, for whatever reason, you are sent any explicit photos of me greased up in canola oil or a video of me dancing naked to LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It", it's AI generated.
Also watch out for any clearly photoshopped DMs where I say some crazy nonsense like, "I want to choke on your socks", or "Oh God! Please crush my testicles with your smelly feet", or "Yes! I love you and have always loved you!" They are not to be believed.
Fingers crossed that we'll get this all sorted out and that the people who were defrauded will get their checking accounts reimbursed, whoever they may be. So sorry this is how we had to catch up. Hope you're doing well otherwise!
P.S. just so you're aware, if you ever did decide to create a feet account that specialized in Lola Bunny or anime cosplay, I wouldn't judge.
Transcribed
19 SEP 2024 · Hey, guess who got a Ring video doorbell? And when you install it, you become part of the neighborhood network of people who think they are citizen crime fighters but are really just very nosy people. For example:
Tuesday 7:20 pm
Did anyone experience a sudden power outage? My internet is down. I don't know how I'm posting this.
Thursday 10:32 am
Just heard what sounded like gunshots in my house. Nobody else heard that, right?
Sunday 7:14 pm
I thought my camera was showing people watching football on my front lawn, but it turns out I installed the camera backwards and was recording my living room. So now I'm never going to figure out who stole my hedges.
Monday 7:00 pm
Avast! There be porch pirates plundering my front stoop!
Wednesday 4:17 pm
Lost dog. Missing an ear. Limping badly. Lost tail in accident. He needs his medication. Answers to "Lucky."
Tuesday 8:08 pm
Can you see the footage I posted? Are delivery men supposed to do that when they drop off your package?
Saturday 12:42 am
Disregard that footage of a raccoon going through my trash. It was my Uncle Dave. He's quite petite.
Thursday 3:33 pm
I keep seeing people post night footage of strangers checking to see if car doors are open. Why doesn't anyone try the doors on my '95 Chevrolet Cavalier? I've even left the keys in it.
Monday 1:53 pm
Found, white and brown cat. Was delicious.
Friday 2:25 pm
What's that weird smell? It smells like gas. Does anyone else in the neighborhood small itt? Its berry strung. I'm getting sleeeeeepy
Thursday 4:02 am
Hey, if any of you had your doorbell camera on between midnight and one, I'd appreciate it if you could delete that footage. No one needs to see my husband streaking the neighborhood.
Monday 5:33 pm
Whoever keyed my car today, you're just really lucky my new wind chime was blocking the camera. But I'm adjusting it, so you better not try it again!
Transcribed
18 SEP 2024 · "Hey, thanks for being a fan!
Now please get into the van.
Enjoy a blunt I just rolled,
And I'll apply this lil blindfold."
"C'mon girl, shake that rump,
I can introduce you to Donnie Trump!
Since Epstein was arrested,
Teen girls have gone unmolested."
"You girls have run away from your homes?
Nice to meet ya, I'm Sean John Combs.
Just now in town, and already meeting a star!
Now please join the others in the trunk of this car."
"Forget Eminem, and forget Ice Cube,
Me, I'm Diddy, you old enough to have pubes?"
"The word on the street?
Girl, I'm really dope.
I've got guys for you to meet,
Don't struggle against the rope."
"Lil lady, I can hear your heart,
All the guys you meet are janky.
I can get you a fresh start,
Just breathe into this hankie."
Transcribed
18 SEP 2024 · "I Thought it Would Be Easier for You to Drop Everything and Cater to My Needs" - An Impromptu, Unnecessary Desk-Side Check-In with Your Co-Worker
Do you have a minute? You're answering numerous emails and Slack messages while also trying to pay attention to a Zoom meeting so I can see the answer is no, but I'm going to take more of your limited bandwidth anyway. I want to address an email I sent you that can easily wait until tomorrow or later in the week.
You know, after you've tied up the dozens upon dozens of loose ends on these projects you've been working on for months? The ones that have demanded an unconscionable amount of overtime, forcing you to postpone vacation and other much needed moments of respite? Like I said, it'll only take a minute or twenty. Let's go over it now while I hover on the wall of your cubicle like a carrion bird with eyes trained on its next meal. Sound good? No? Super!
As you can see, my inquiry regards a matter of comparative irrelevance. It barely merits reading, let alone an immediate cessation of work that might very well keep the company afloat during this rocky period. Still, my connection to your direct supervisor, acting as both their intermediary and de facto proxy, essentially mandates that you give me your full and undivided attention right this very second.
Everything you're doing now is directly related to the work they've assigned, and they know the unreasonable mental and physical toll it's been taking on you. But remember, I can easily misconstrue any moment of understandable frustration on your part towards me as a gesture of indirect passive aggressiveness towards them. Please completely ignore your problems so you can focus on mine.
Let's move on to item number two. This is even more superfluous than the prior point, but by standing here flaunting my position of preeminence, I can sate my ego and pretend my work here has any degree of importance that is on par with what you're doing. A lifetime of stumbling my way ass backwards into positions of power have reinforced my unconscious belief that I haven't essentially had everything handed to me like the legacy student at Harvard Business School that I was.
Remind me to bore you to tears about my time there on your lunch break, the sole moment of peace you're going to have before strapping in for an EOD that won't come until some indeterminate point after midnight. The only thing worse than heading home at that ungodly hour is realizing you have no one to share your home with once you get there. Who has time for a relationship with the hours you put in? But at least the cab rides are reimbursable. You are remembering to save the receipts, right?
This brings us to point number three, the one that indirectly calls you out for your slowness to respond. This implies that I consider your inability to cater to my every whim at the drop of a hat disrespectful, or even insubordinate. Sure, you could accurately state that you're not my direct report, and this is all a feeble power trip carried out with no other purpose except to make myself feel important.
But you forget, I have the luxury of doing this by being ever so slightly higher than you are on the rungs of this corporate ladder of ours. I may just take some more of your time to engage in empty banter about the weather, or if that local sports team of ours will ever stop playing like a bunch of Little Leaguers. You don't care? Neither do I! Well, except for my ability to do this to you free of any consequence.
I'll be back to continue this discussion at that aforementioned lunch break. I'll have our unpaid intern fetch some coffee for us like the good little "go-fer" that they are. Funny story: that method of employment is probably illegal, but what are they going to do, file a complaint with their union? If that was an option, you would have done it months ago. Furthermore…what union? Am I right?! Well, you keep up the good work.
I'm looking forward to figuratively smothering ...
Transcribed
13 SEP 2024 · 1.
Gatsby
2.
Xavier
3.
Kai
4.
Marvin
5.
Damian
6.
Saxon
7.
Schrödinger
8.
Exa Dark
9.
Techno Mechanicus
10.
Hobbes
11.
Floki
Elon Kid: 2,3, 5,6, 8, 9
Elon Pet: 1, 4,7, 10, 11
Transcribed
12 SEP 2024 · Congratulations! We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected to attend the Quasimodo Institute for Advanced Hunching (QUIFAH)! Amid an impressive pool of applicants, your application stood out as one of the most shocking. In fact, our founder and namesake himself read it with great interest (and seemed somewhat threatened by it). You may have lost your ability to hold your head up straight but, you have gained our utmost respect. We select individuals who demonstrate not only a commitment to hunching for sustained periods while scrolling on their phones and typing at their computers, but also pursuing what we call the Deep Hunching State, involving maximal forward bend and permanent misalignment of the cervical and thoracic spine. Our research has proven that spines and their accompanying vertebrae are indeed flexible and can be, with practice and dedication, molded into a question mark, a candy cane, or, in their most sophisticated form, a fish hook. We are certain your confidence is going to soar while your posture continues to decline! As you peruse our enclosed catalog*, consider which courses make the most sense for your goals and body type. Choose from selections such as The Semiotics of Slouching co-taught by Uncle Fester and Lumpy Addams, and Ah-Ah-Osteoporosis taught by the Wicked Witch of the West who will be zooming in from her famously unsupportive sofa. Although Gru, one of our most beloved professors, is on sabbatical at this time, we are excited to offer Tech Neck is Just the Beginning, My Precious with guest-lecturer, Gollum. We suggest signing up for that one immediately since seats-of-the-least-ergonomic nature are filling fast. *Note that all of our De-Generative Workshops are led by our crew of talented adjuncts who of course receive no health benefits. Whether you are looking to audition for a lead role in The Corpse Bride, play a more convincing ogre at your next Halloween gathering, or simply incur years of pinched nerves and excruciating headaches, we guarantee that you are going to deepen your understanding of this skill and its practical applications. Luckily enough, you are just in time to help us celebrate our new school motto, "If sitting is the new smoking, then slumping on your couch with your neck at a 45-degree angle is the new smack. And it feels goooood." As we speak, someone in our OSHA-non-compliant office is crouching over their keyboard working on both the Latin translation and the new logo. You'll be happy to know that we are retaining our original mascot, Igor from Frankenstein. This is also a good place to mention that our campus tunnel system is now powered by eco-friendly LED candles. Don't worry, these tunnels are still tight and dimly lit - perfect for skulking, stooping, and crouching with friends between classes. While we at the Quasimodo Institute for Advanced Hunching are currently only offering certificate programs, we are hopeful that based on the overwhelming interest in our work from around the world, we will be receiving full accreditation shortly. We already have a waitlist of medical schools and osteopathic organizations anxious to collaborate and support our advancement of chronic pain. We look forward to having you attend our esteemed program. We know that your already fucked up spine is going to further degenerate and we cannot wait to see what kinds of neck collars, traction, and surgeries your future holds! So fill up your backpack with as many heavy items as possible and throw away that standing desk - we'll see you on the QUIFAH campus soon. Go Igors! Sincerely, The Admissions Committee
Transcribed
10 SEP 2024 · For each out and out, obvious lie that Trump makes, allow one tiny drop from a pre-measured eye dropper to fall into your mouth. Just one, it's going to be a long night! When Trump makes a reference to the Jan 6th rioters as "hostages", use your bare hands to break the eye dropper into dozens of tiny pieces, enjoy the little stings and cuts on your hands as a pleasant distraction. Then take a shot from your bottle of bourbon. Okay, when this guy… this fucking guy… this completely inhumane piece of shit… begins his racist, misogynistic tirades…. take a long swig from of the bourbon and then throw the bottle at the tv. Go to the kitchen for a fresh bottle of bourbon. Take this moment to try and calm down a bit. Remember your blood pressure issues. Relocate to the tv in the bedroom, and now he's just…. You can't be this drunk yet, right? But his words don't work together, don't make any sense. It's nothing but incoherent rambling, but the moderators simply sit there and act as if they're able to make sense of it. Take another drink, I guess? Yeah, go ahead and take a drink. You can still hear his voice on the tv from the other room. Try to block it out, just focus on the task at hand. Your ex-wife's dirtbag cousin brought a crack pipe to the house a few years back, and you're pretty sure that you didn't throw it away. Maybe in the box with the bongs? Please, why won't his voice just go away??
Transcribed
6 SEP 2024 · Let me be clear. Would you, please? I would love to be clear, as long as it's okay with you. So if you would be so kind as to allow that to happen, it would mean a lot to me. Just want to make that clear. Let me be clear. I cannot possibly be clear unless you permit it. So what do you say? To make this as clear as possible, I have a permission slip here for you to fill out. It's quite simple: "Permission to be clear is given." Will you sign and date it? And do so clearly? Let me be clear. Sorry if that came off as too forceful. I did not intend it as a command. More of an ask, really. Totally up to you. Feel free to say no! But I'd prefer it if you were pro-clarity. Of all the times to not be clear, this is not one of them. Clearly. Let me be clear. If that's not in the cards, I'm afraid my prepared remarks here tonight will be much less clear. If that's in any way unclear, let me explain. Will you let me? I have another permission slip for that: "Permission to explain." I think that's clear enough. Good. So let me explain: Without your approval to be clear, my lack of clarity would require immediate clarification - something I would clearly be unable to provide. You see? The whole thing would be unclear. Is that clear? Now that I've made that point with the utmost clarity, let me be clear. As soon as you're ready. I still haven't received any indication that you will let me be clear. What is clear is that you haven't signed that permission slip. I'm concerned. I have a bunch of good ideas here, but if you don't let me be clear, you'll never hear them. Let me be clear. There is no good reason why you shouldn't. There are plenty of good reasons why you should. That much is quite clear. Crystal, even. To clarify: With your authorization, I am going to be so clear that it will be impossible to make a clear and convincing case to the contrary. Without your express written consent, you'll get the clear opposite of clarity: Mumbo jumbo. Gibberish. Maybe even gobbledygook. I wouldn't risk it if I were you. The right path forward is clear. So, I humbly ask you, on whose decision the most important speech of my life depends: Will you let me be clear? Okay, great! Thank you. Thank you so much. Now let me be clear: My time on stage has run out.
Transcribed
6 SEP 2024 · The journey of a thousand miles begins with faking your own death and hiding from your family. Actions speak louder than words, and teenage girls talk louder than anyone during the entire goddamn movie. Curiosity killed the cat, but even so, you should have had her shots up to date. Not cool, man. You cannot unscramble eggs, so keep the sausages wrapped up fellas. Fortune favors the bold, as well as billionaire criminals and spoiled rotten nepo-babies. Don't beat a dead horse, unless someone is taking a video of you with their phone, and you think it could potentially go viral.
Transcribed
5 SEP 2024 · You're pounding down tater skins. Bubblin' bacon bits going down easy as you watch b-ball on the big screen. It's TGI Fridays, baby, and 2 pm is tater-skins-o-clock, but you ain't buying this round, cuz Benjamin Franklin's got his purse out and he's slanging those doubloons. Yeah, Benny Franklin. You know Benjamin? Big baldo who signed the Declaration of Independence? Ring a bell, dumb dumb? Yeah, Benny's buying your tater skins, and pan seared pot stickers, cuz he's hungries. And you're thinking, "Jeeze, how'd big baldo Benny Franklin get to TGI Fridays? Didn't he go bye bye like three hundo years ago?" Well, put a sock in it, dummy! Cuz Benny boy found a wormhole. You know, a break in time and space? Ring a bell, dumb dumb? Big baldo Benny Franklin popped out of the wormhole in the trashcan in the TGI Fridays handicap bathroom (cuz that's where the wormhole is, dumbo) and he screamed, "thank god it's Friday!" So now, as you're sitting at your table, boy oh boy, you better grab those pot stickers before Benny boy wolfs them down. Wolf! Wolf! Baldy Benny Franklin has the hungries. His toothless, gummy mouth sucking down pot stickers as he squeals to your waiter, Dale, to bring out some truffle tot-chos. You know, like nachos, except with tots? Get it, dumb dumb? Dale gets it, and he's getting 'em quick, cuz baldy Benny Franklin's got those dumpty humpty hungries. You think Benny boy's pantaloons are big? Holy moly just wait 'til those big ribs come sizzling out. Sizzle. Sizzle. TGI Fridays baby. Dale's gonna have a cigarette sizzling in his mouth as he lugs out those plates of big ribs. Better nab 'em quick, cuz Benny Franklin is gonna stuff all those big ribs in his gummy mouth. Sucking off that pork, cuz he's a humpty hungry baldo. Holy moly! Dale better keep those ribs coming! Cuz Benny's buddies found out about the wormhole. You know, the one in the trashcan in the handicap bathroom? Ring a bell, dumbo? Yeah, Benny's buddies are coming. Georgie Washington and Tommy Jefferson. Popping out of that trashcan and screaming, "we want the crispy whiskey combo!" That's a half-rack of sizzling whisky glazed ribs with some whiskey fried shrimp. Oh man. Now I'm gettin' hungries! Georgie Washington and Tommy Jefferson will be popping out their wooden teethies so they can stuff down those whiskey fried shrimpsies with Benny Franky boy. Slurpy slurpy from baldo and his buds and their gummie mouthsies. And you're thinking, "Jeeze, how am I supposed to watch the b-ball game with all that slurpin'?" Get over it, dumpty dumb dumb! Cuz Benny Franklin's squealing at Dale, and so are Georgie Washington and Tommy Jefferson, cuz these bumpy boys want their center-cut sirloins. That's a half pound of thick sirloin cut thick through the center of the cut. They'll be stuffing down that meatsies and sweating. Getting those meat sweatsies. And the door to the handicap bathroom will be bursting open, cuz more of Benny's pals will be popping out of the trashcan wormhole. Johnny Adams, Paul Reveresies, and that smelly Frenchie the Marquis De Lafayette, and that bozo General Cornwallis. They'll be chanting, "whiskey glaze chicken slammers!" The waiter Dale better bring the slammers out quick for these bumpy boys! Cuz they'll be slamming their hands on the table, as baldo Benny Franklin tells Dale to bring out the cookie platter and the pumpkin spice cheesecake. Pumpky time! Pumpky! Pumpky! You'll be stuffing down pumpky with Benny boy and the big boys, screaming, "thank god it's Friday!"
The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity. Welcome to the Weekly Humorist Podcast! Featuring audio articles from the pages of the Weekly Humorist. Curated picks from the editors you...
show more
The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity. Welcome to the Weekly Humorist Podcast! Featuring audio articles from the pages of the Weekly Humorist. Curated picks from the editors you are sure to enjoy. Great for the illiterate and/or lazy fans! Tell your friends. Visit online at weeklyhumorist.com
show less
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| Organization | Weekly Humorist |
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