10 MAY 2024 · A Moveable Girl Dinner Forget the austere glamor of Hemingway's art and alcohol-fueled 1920's Paris - the 2020s have moved the (art?) enclave online, replacing weeks-long European travels and trysts with 20-year-old "girls" nibbling cheese, crackers, and a lone piece of deli meat ham rolled into the tiniest taquito. Alice's Activism in Wonderland Upon witnessing the Red Queen's abuse of capital punishment, Alice's disillusionment with the monarchy only grows as she encounters the populous of Wonderland falling into unhealthy coping mechanisms, drug use, and addiction in an attempt to distract from a tyrannical, "colorblind" head of state. Alice takes matters into her own hands to usurp the powers-that-be and help everyone get on the Caterpillar's level with some solid smoke. The Grating Gatsby This Gatsby is blander than your aunt's mash potatoes after she decides to cut her sodium intake. Instead of parties visible from other coastlines, he throws 4-person kickbacks, posts out-of-focus TikToks about the "insane livestream going down at #casadeGatsby," and "accidentally" tags his neighbor's wife in all of them - even though she never makes an appearance. The Scarlet Unsubscribe After receiving a giant letter "C" tattooed on her chest for "serving c*nt," not snitching, and cheating on her husband with a hot priest*, Hester is canceled by her community and shadow blocked across platforms. But instead of staying "Canceled," Hester decides to rebrand herself as a sex-positive influencer who stands on business. Use code "Chilling" for 20% off at Bellesa, *Not the one from Fleabag. Weathering Inflation Heights A tempestuous, capricious inflation rate climbs higher and higher, crueler and crueler, as one weary, ambivalent mixed-class household bends to its predictably unpredictable temperament, hoping for a government-ordered rate halt that never comes. Even after they're dead and buried, inflation will burrow into the graves to continue f*cking them. Our Mutual Friend-With-Benefits When word gets around about John's rich talent for…..y'know….he quickly becomes a coveted addition to everyone's polycule. Whether they're an all-female arts collective illegally living in a two-bedroom apartment on the wrong side of town, a co-ed group of Trader Joe's employees that frequents the same Russian bath house in the city center, or three IT guys all named Dave, everyone from every sort of socio-economic background has come to call John their best friend. The Mortgage Rate Also Rises Other than the rising climate-change-affected sea-levels, increasing number of school shootings bolstered by inadequate gun control measures, and surge in TikTok-face, Jake realizes in dawning horror that even if he learns to scuba dive, survives high school, and avoids lip filler sepsis, he'll never be able to afford a home worthy of Lady Brett Ashley's sober-curious soirees. The Siblings Karamazov The children of a cheugy, affluent late-stage Millennial attempt to convince their ill-dressed, ill-tempered, and culturally-ill parent to acknowledge their pronouns, the legacy of The Wendy Williams Show, and the results of the 2020 election. All Quiet on the Post-College Employment Front Recent graduates suffer from shellshock as no companies seem to be hiring. Of the companies that are accepting applications, role descriptions list a minimum requirement of 2-years experience - even for "entry-level" positions. Deep in the job-search trenches, aspiring recruits race to upskill as yet another social media platform blows up in the hands of an incompetent general. Annananana Karenenininina After watching her Millennial brother blow up his own marriage in a mid-life-for-the-time crisis, Annananana Karenenininina - readers may opt to just call her Anna Kendrick - decides to do the same since she's 28, close to death, and her cheek fillers have nearly completed their migration. Upon engaging in non-consensual non-monogamy, Anna Kendrick is canceled by her whole social ci...

9 MAY 2024 · "My anxiety service iguana ate my homework." "I couldn't get past the group of protesters in front of the school." "My homeroom teacher is still angry that I didn't call her the day after our night together." "My bullet proof vest was still in the wash." "Militia meeting ran late." "Parents arrested for storming government building." "I was pushed out of a window by Vladimir Putin." "Parents wouldn't allow me to leave the house while the Four Horsemen were hovering in the sky over America." "Tear gas residue in classroom still causing problems with allergies." "Sent home early as punishment for requesting a book from the school library." "Poisonous paint fumes from golden Trump shoes put me and my family in the hospital for several weeks."

8 MAY 2024 · Life is a high school prom and no one asked you to be their date. Life is a dream and you showed up to work wearing no pants. Life is an orgy and we're all getting screwed. Life is an ice skating rink and you wore flip-flops. Life is an orgy and everyone is getting screwed except for me. Life is an orgy and I'm standing awkwardly in the corner at the orgy snack table watching everyone else get screwed. Life is an orgy with terrible snacks. Life is an orgy and I wasn't really invited, but showed up anyway. Life is an orgy and my hot friend Hannah was actually invited by these two dudes at the bar, but she didn't want me to feel left out, even though they were clearly only inviting her. So I gaslighted myself into believing it would be a good experience, and anyways my therapist has been telling me to get out of my comfort zone. Life is an orgy and when he said "get out of my comfort zone," I think my therapist was thinking more along the lines of Paint 'N Pour. Or maybe a bowling league. Life is an orgy and the couple in front of me just asked me to be their third, but it turns out they were actually asking the girl standing behind me. Life is an orgy and I want to leave. Life is an orgy and would it be rude to just sneak out the back door? That was not an orgy pun. It was a cry for help. Life is an orgy and I'm kind of stuck here until Hannah is finished because she is my ride home. Life is like a river, with constant ebbs and flows and weird fish shaped like penises. Life is an orgy and I'm trying really hard to think of nice imagery of rivers so I don't have a panic attack but all I can think of is weird dick fish with three eyes. Life is an orgy and I'm hyperventilating in the corner. Life is an orgy and that guy over there is getting fucked in the ass. Life is an orgy and I'm staying home next Tuesday.

7 MAY 2024 · To: @Trump2024 Cc: @RudyColludy, @UberfuherMiller, @ThatMTG, @TwoShirtsBannon We're looking at the numbers on the "May the Fourth be with You" meme we shared on Twitter, er, I mean X, no, wait "Truth Social," and they are insane! People love seeing the President portrayed in a copyrighted fantasy setting! Trump with a red lightsaber! Lifetime ruler alert! We're working on a video follow-up: Picture the scene where Emperor Palpatine (now The Once-and-Only-President Trump) tells Luke (now Joe Biden) "It is of no concern. Soon the rebellion will be crushed." Or something like that. If that doesn't make people want to join the Trump Empire, then nothing will! So, with that in mind, we've been going through Wikipedia (not Wikileaks; LOL) to find more iconic and trademarked pop-culture characters we can infringe on. It's quite a list! We hope they'll be as big as our Trump-as-Thanos video from 2020 and our "Build the Wall"/GoT poster before that. Here's what we're pitching… Auric Goldfinger: this was a no brainer! Who loves gold more than President 45? Picture the scene where James Bond is tied to a table with a laser working its way up toward his groinal regions. Only, in the clip, we'll put Joe Biden's face on Bond. So when she says, "Do you expect me to talk?" and Goldfinger/Trump replies "No, I expect you to die!" Our supporters will go nuts. Many clinically. Dr. Hannibal Lecter: Style, wit, grace, intellect; who better displays these Trumpian characteristics than Dr. Lecter from "Silence of the Lambs"? We all agree that we should use the scene where Lecter silences all the lambs, i.e., the braying Democrats. Zombie from "Return of the Living Dead": We can have Zombie Trump trying to eat the brains of the Joe Biden, but he keeps saying "These Democrats have no brains!" (If he hasn't said it already, maybe work the phrase into his next rally) and "I'm still hungry!" (which we're very sure is on file somewhere). Jack Torrance: For context, this is Jack Nicholson in "The Shining." Just imagine having President-ish Trump come busting through the door saying "Here's MAGA!" while Hillary (or Joe Biden or Barrack or one of Trump's judges) screams in terror? That's Trumpism in a nutshell, baby! Lord Voldemort: What could be more dramatic and uplifting for the Republicans then the scene where Lord Donald finally strikes down his mortal enemy, Joe Potter, with the forbidden spell of "Avada Kedavra" which, we believe, is Latin for "Corrupt!" Godzilla: Hey, when you think about destroying a corrupt town like Washington D.C., what comes to mind quicker than Godzilla? Imagine Prez Trump's head over Godzilla's as he stomps through town screaming "MAGA" or "Sleepy Joe!" (depending on focus group feedback) and we can turn the fleeing populous into members of the Demon-cratic Party (pretty good, right? I just made that up now). I think we can use video from January 6th. There's a lot of footage there. Gollum: Okay, he's another gold-phile, but we can have the scene were Frodo is trying to throw the ring (say, the Constitution) into the flaming fires of Mount Doom and Gollum/Trump leaps out and rescues the ring, yelling: "My precious! My precious," which would totally be in character for Mr. Trump and his love of the Constitution. Get back to me on any of these ideas. Me and Lester are ready to put any one of them together! And wait until you see the amazing fake Time covers we're prepping! And we'll make sure we don't send out this text as a tweet again!

7 MAY 2024 · Thank you for your interest in my babysitting while you travel for the next seven days. If this is going to work, we must set ourselves up for success by laying out conditions that I find acceptable. I can babysit a maximum of one child. The child must be older than a toddler. The problem with toddlers is that they are prone to accidents, tantrums, and so forth. The child must be younger than a middle schooler. Let's say no older than a third grader, just to be safe. The problem with children above this age is that they start to develop opinions, attitudes, and the cleverness to say hurtful things. I will babysit in your home if it's a mansion in an upscale neighborhood with fun things to do. How big is big enough to be a mansion? If you have to ask, it's not a mansion. If you don't own a mansion, I will accept a rented mansion as my workplace as long as it fulfills my other requirements. Your home must have a dog for me to play with. The dog must be fully trained and respond to whatever name I give her. I can change the name up to three times per day. A staff member hired and compensated by you is to be responsible for this dog's feeding and care; my entire relationship with the dog consists of play. I must have my own babysitter to protect me, and in case your kid needs anything. Your home must have the following amenities: WiFi, streaming services, Microsoft XBOX, Sega Master System, ColecoVision, board games, Crosley record player, Audio Technica record player, kitchen, gym, four friends (smart but not showoffy about it, good listeners, willing to babysit). You must provide a full schedule of activities to keep your child busy (supervised by others). You must provide a full schedule of activities to keep me busy, too. Activities for your kid only? No fair! You are to provide me with a grocery stipend, an Uber stipend or a private driver, and a personal chef who's on call 24 hours per day throughout my babysitting assignment. By the way, size alone does not make a mansion. I will not babysit in a big, crappy house. You must arrange for private plane transportation to pick up my lunches: sushi from Japan, pizza from Italy, fried chicken from Kentucky. Whatever happens this week, I get the movie rights. You are obligated to provide me with a fruit basket (organic fruit only,please. (The "please" there was a bit much; sorry. (I have nothing to apologize for, and you should be ashamed for not speaking up to tell me so.))) You shall provide the following benefits: Health insurance and on-site concierge doctor, 401(k) with 200,000-percent employer match, house-party insurance, and six days' paid vacation. Ideally, you'd bring your child with you on your trip.

2 MAY 2024 · Ancestry Southern European - 62.3% Northwestern European - 29.3% Sub-Saharan African - 0.4% Self-esteem - <0.1% Butter - 1 cup Traits 1. Michael, people with your genetic result tend to have an increased chance of being annoyed that your neighbors still haven't taken in their recycling bins even though it's been four days! Like, why is that so hard? 2. Michael, you are not likely to correctly pronounce the word 'antennae'. You are among a low percentage of people that, despite knowing that it's incorrect, still say the word as 'an-tanna'. This is acute and there is currently no known cure. 3. Michael, you are 30% more likely to convincingly nod in recognition as someone provides you with directions to a nearby location, despite the fact that you can't remember a single street name in the town you've lived in for well over 10 years now. Genetic Health Risks 1. Michael, you have one copy of the FstX variant of the AMC gene. People with this variant have an increased risk of finding little to no entertainment value whatsoever in the seemingly endless Fast & Furious film series. They drove a car into space ffs. 2. Michael, you have two copies of the WtF7 variant of the ThtSml gene. People with this variant can smell a strange odor but have a difficult time discovering its source or even convincing others that it exists at all. How are you the only one that smells that? 3. Michael, you have seven copies of the Uhf2 variant of the SmSng gene. People with this variant have an increased risk of confusing actual childhood memories with plotlines from syndicated television shows. Reminders: You were never stationed at a MASH unit and you never had a neighbor named Kramer. Carrier Status 1. Strong, masculine chin - Variant Absolutely 100% Not Detected. Like, not at all. 2. Hereditary alcoholism - 1 Variant Detected. Carriers of the YeHaW variant, however latent, have an alcoholic gene staggering about their DNA, singing Merle Haggard songs, and yelling insults in the form of malapropisms at the other genes. Wellness 1. Michael, you have a decreased likelihood of shirtless confidence. 61% of customers genetically similar to you will look fine with their shirts off. Not great, but not terrible. Just fine. It's likely no one will mock you, but neither will anyone utter, "Hubba, hubba". 2. Michael, you are more likely to have a very low tolerance for acronym redundancies. 72.5% of customers who are genetically similar will noticeably cringe at redundant terms like 'ATM machine', 'PIN number', or even 'DC Comics'. However, 68.3% possess enough self-restraint to not immediately retort, "GFY yourself."

2 MAY 2024 · When I first saw a picture of an axolotl, smiling cherubically like the baby Jesus swaddled in a blanket made of puppies and peekaboo, I knew I needed to have one. As one of Topeka's Top Pops of TikTok, an adorable axolotl is critical to my work. My mission is to single-handedly create a global culture of mindful parenting, inspire a love of science, restore good manners, end alopecia, and launch a kidrepreneurial revolution that helps set a new central Midwest region monthly sales record for Life Bouquet Living Werks. Thumbnails are how revolutions get started these days, and I figured an aww-worthy axolotl would make mine more popular than Poppatacular Paul. So I ordered one named Dewdrop. Take a look at what I got. No really, look at it. This axolotl is a Ralph at best. It is not cute, charming, beautiful, quirky, or hot. It's frankly got a certain Nicolas Cageyness about it, which is a real party foul in amphibian-based daddyvlogging. What kind of fun, educational, and profitable activities could I film with this axolotl? Kids don't want to make Perler bead keychains of an axolotl that looks like the Wicker Man. I couldn't take it to explore the woods - the woods would run away in terror. And if I used it in a spelling quiz, kids would replace every letter with a big, whining "Y?" Creative writing prompts for older kids are some of my most popular content, but this axolotl is not going to inspire any great novels. It couldn't even inspire a limerick. Shakespeare wouldn't be able to do better than "This bulbous bloated turd unleashed its tail." And let me make something perfectly clear. I am not body-shaming this axolotl. I am a huge proponent of body positivity, as long as it keeps a respectful distance and is properly hashtagged so I can use a bot to automatically post supportive comments without having to see it. I am face-shaming this axolotl. Makeup is cheap and a lot of it is even tested on animals, so this axolotl has no excuse for not fixing its life. And let me tell you what's at stake. Axolotls are a completely untapped content stream among my competitors, which makes them my ticket to the top 50 local dadfluencers. And the top 50 means big business. When you're in the top 50, you can parley a single post into free parking at the train museum, first choice of finger puppets at library story times, or extra sprinkles at Abe's Ice Milk Emporium. By denying me an appropriately attractive axolotl, you're denying my precious Sophie the opportunity to watch her dad enjoy a premium dessert at a standard price. And that's what she wished for on her birthday, as you can clearly see from the caption of my third video from March 23. So I don't care if you're not a pet store. I don't want a pet. I want an engaging visual representation of my quirky yet relatable side. It also needs to be small enough to slingshot into the woods when I'm done with it. The Midwest parenting vlogosphere moves fast, so I'm going to need to find a new gimmick to keep people's attention within a month. When that happens, it's better to let Dewdrop find his own path than letting him become a squidgy millstone around my neck trying to ground me on my journey to TikTok stardom and personal and global fulfilment. I am a wine drinker, a close personal friend of the mayor, and a filer of complaints about every Super Bowl halftime show since Carol Channing. You do not want to fuck with me. Get me a cuter axolotl, now!

1 MAY 2024 · Asymmetrical. His friends will FAWN over this fashionable flop-top! Fringe. He'll STAGger in this sexy Southwestern style. Side-swept. White-tail buck? More like red-hot hunk! Blunt. DOEn't sleep on this courageously curt coif! Curtain. Oh DEER, the '70's are back! Tiny. A short style will tell the whole herd they've just been CERVID! illustrations by Katy Maiolatesi

30 APR 2024 · Karen Oak Meadow • 2 wks ago This is an open letter to my neighbor on Pine Creek Lane about respecting boundaries. I'm not gonna name him but it rhymes with Harry. This morning my dog Moe was whimpering and distressed, so I checked the Ring video and saw disturbing footage of you on my driveway carrying my morning paper. I appreciate your moving it off the gutter, but your actions triggered Moe to defend our property. Confronted, you swatted him viciously with the paper. Moe is severely traumatized, and I expect you to pay for his therapy. Also, not trying to be the fashion police here, but those low cut shorts? No one wants to see that. Larry Oak Meadow Karen, your attack dog was going for my jugular. It was either him or me. Frankly you're the one that needs therapy. If it includes a lobotomy, I'll be happy to chip in. Doggo CBD Chewables Sponsored Is your dog overly aggressive? Our chewables will have him chilling like he's at a Phish concert. Take 50% off your first order with promo code MELLOWMUTT. Nancy Oak Meadow • 2 wks ago As president of the Pleasant Hills Preservation Society, I was devastated by the city council's vote to certify the residential zoning changes. While we appeal the decision, I am asking, nay begging, homeowners not to split their lots or build multi units. Don't get me wrong, I love our essential workers. They're the backbone of our society. But we don't want to turn Pleasant Hills into another sh*thole town where they can actually afford to live here. Nelson Oak Meadow Sorry, NIMBY Nancy, but it's too late. I've already split my lot and am installing a nuclear generator on the second one to power my three-story crypto mining rig. Personally, I think this boring town can use a spark! City of Pleasant Hills Civic Center This comment was brought to our attention. Please bear in mind that nuclear reactors are not permitted under the new zoning rules. Nelson Oak Meadow Okay people don't have a meltdown. It's a small modular reactor, not Fukushima. And the energy is carbon free. Isn't that what you eco fascists want? City of Pleasant Hills Civic Center • 13 days ago The city's landfill reduction pilot program is underway. Your organic waste is being converted to fertilizer for local farms. Please keep any inorganic material out of those yellow buckets! Nelson Oak Meadow This is an idiotic idea! You have no idea what people dump in those buckets. I will avoid the farmers market like the plague until this program is stopped. Chester Chatsworth Palmer It's great to see PH being so forward thinking and progressive. Nelson Oak Meadow I'd like to order 3 bags of wool. Because you're a sheep! Karen Oak Meadow • 13 days ago I can't believe I'm saying this, but I found a big dog poop turd on my doorstep this morning. I'm literally shaking. Neighbors: when you walk your dogs, it is your responsibility to carry poop bags and clean up! Larry Oak Meadow That was no dog, I left it myself. Consider it a deposit toward Moe's therapy. 5 12 Lopez Farms Pleasant Hills (Unincorporated) • 10 days ago Hey everyone. Lopez farms is participating in the town's waste fertilizer program. Unfortunately, since yesterday my pig Maybelline is very sick and struggling to breathe. The vet thinks she has a peanut allergy that flared up when she rolled in the tainted dirt. I've set up a GoFundMe campaign to pay for her treatment, please donate whatever you can. For the time being, please keep peanuts out of your organic waste bins. Thank you! Chester Chatsworth Palmer I made a donation and will keep Maybelline in my prayers Nelson Oak Meadow For chrissakes, it's a pig! WTF is the matter with you? Just put it out of its misery and sell us some ham! Improbable Pork Sponsored Do you love pork but can't eat it due to religious or dietary restrictions? Improbable Pork is made from plants, tastes better than the real thing and is both Kosher and Halal certified. Take 20% off your first order with promo code PorkForPeace. Karen Oak Meadow • 6...

26 APR 2024 · Thank you for purchasing the Sayer 14-inch gas powered chainsaw! We realize you have many choices for heavy duty cutting and severing appliances to buy when you reach a certain age of so-called maturity and we appreciate that you've chosen a Sayer to help scratch your aging itch. We've been manufacturing and selling quality chainsaws for almost 60 years for everyone from the professional logger to the typical American handyman or woman. So we like to think we know a thing or two about our business. We also deeply care about preserving the safety of our customers and anyone within sawing distance of them. So we know you have an urge to mix up some oil and gas and just start cutting into things with machinery that can radically change the quality of life of another human being. PLEASE KEEP READING! THIS IS IMPORTANT! Owning and maintaining a chainsaw of this size and power safely is just as important as the feeling of usefulness you get when you operate one to improve your home and property. Safety is our and should be (we can't emphasize this enough) your first concern before you begin operating any of Sayer's cutting or slicing products. That's why when you open any Sayer product, the first thing you see is this manual. We also know that you're eager to unwrap the packaging material, two cycle your gasoline and immediately start using your Sayer chainsaw without even glancing at the instructions and safety warnings. We realize that reading probably sounds like the most boring alternative activity compared to slicing up boards for your kids' tree house, pruning the trees in your front yard or cutting stuff for the thrill of cutting through something. It's funny I mentioned that because it perfectly encapsulates my first point. CHAINSAWS ARE NOT PLAYTHINGS! We know that you've got a whole workbench and set of tools in the garage that you're finally getting around to using because you realize the cost of hiring professionals is outlandishly expensive. And now that you're at a comfortable level of fiscal stability that allows you a life outside of work, you naturally just want to jump in and using these tools for the sake of using them. You've never ratcheted so many things in your life and they've never given you quite this level of rush until now. The thing is that a ratchet wrench can't cost you the use of muscle groups and vital nerves. Chainsaws should not be used as grownup toys because they are actually dangerous pieces of machinery that are indifferent to what they are cutting through. Chainsaws don't become sentient and yell to their operators, "Hey! There's a finger in the way of my blade! I know you think you're sawing a 2-by-4 for your new porch but you're about to hit a part of your own body!" Even if your Sayer chainsaw could develop the power of speech, it wouldn't be able to finish such a sentence in time before you start screaming and trying to find the nearest cloth to slow your body's blood flow. CHAINSAWS ARE NOT TOOLS FOR PRANKS! If you're a child of the 80s, then you've grown up watching a whole host of horror movies in which loud machinery serves as an effective interruption to an audience's attention pattern i.e. the jump scare. Director Tobe Hooper may have effectively utilized the chainsaw, this staple of slasher classics, to harness the escapist experience of American cinema but he also knew the deadly power this gas cycled machines possess. You SHOULD NOT use a chainsaw to scare or even reenact your favorite scenes from chainsaw based horror films. Even if you take the chain off of the saw and simply rev the loud engine to scare someone who isn't aware of their surroundings, you're still finding pleasure in the suffering of others in order to feel something. THERE'S NO "WINGING IT" WITH CHAINSAWS! Chainsaws can be a useful tool for building and constructing when they are in the right hands. They can also be implements of dismemberment and regret when they are in the wrong hands (and sometimes those p...