Read this Garbage Woman’s Article



Dear Sugars,
I’m a 24-year-old woman still solidifying her identity, especially when it comes to love and relationships. I have a desire to be adored by men. This desire started when I began to feel the pressures of the “male gaze,” as it appeared in movies, TV, books — everywhere. Men thought the ideal woman was beautiful but not vain; sexy but not slutty; game for pizza and beer but skinny; willing to comply with her partner’s sexual desires but not seek her own with other men. As an adolescent, these expectations ran through my head constantly. I secretly wanted to be every man’s dream girl. Pathetic, right? I felt happy and successful when I had at least one or two guys crushing on me. As a feminist, it pains me to admit that I got so much validation from male attention.
In college, I shed some of these unhealthy needs and fell in love with someone who accepts the real me — both my beauty and my flaws. We’ve been dating for two years. We make each other laugh. He makes me feel desired and beautiful. Yet I’m still haunted by the shallow desire to be adored by other men. It makes me feel like a bad girlfriend, like I’m still chasing that high I get from a crush.
Is this something all people in relationships contend with? Will I grow out of it? Is there something missing from my relationship? How do I block out societal expectations of women and continue to grow into a more genuine person who gains validation and happiness from within?