26 APR 2024 · Thank you for purchasing the Sayer 14-inch gas powered chainsaw! We realize you have many choices for heavy duty cutting and severing appliances to buy when you reach a certain age of so-called maturity and we appreciate that you've chosen a Sayer to help scratch your aging itch. We've been manufacturing and selling quality chainsaws for almost 60 years for everyone from the professional logger to the typical American handyman or woman. So we like to think we know a thing or two about our business. We also deeply care about preserving the safety of our customers and anyone within sawing distance of them. So we know you have an urge to mix up some oil and gas and just start cutting into things with machinery that can radically change the quality of life of another human being. PLEASE KEEP READING! THIS IS IMPORTANT! Owning and maintaining a chainsaw of this size and power safely is just as important as the feeling of usefulness you get when you operate one to improve your home and property. Safety is our and should be (we can't emphasize this enough) your first concern before you begin operating any of Sayer's cutting or slicing products. That's why when you open any Sayer product, the first thing you see is this manual. We also know that you're eager to unwrap the packaging material, two cycle your gasoline and immediately start using your Sayer chainsaw without even glancing at the instructions and safety warnings. We realize that reading probably sounds like the most boring alternative activity compared to slicing up boards for your kids' tree house, pruning the trees in your front yard or cutting stuff for the thrill of cutting through something. It's funny I mentioned that because it perfectly encapsulates my first point. CHAINSAWS ARE NOT PLAYTHINGS! We know that you've got a whole workbench and set of tools in the garage that you're finally getting around to using because you realize the cost of hiring professionals is outlandishly expensive. And now that you're at a comfortable level of fiscal stability that allows you a life outside of work, you naturally just want to jump in and using these tools for the sake of using them. You've never ratcheted so many things in your life and they've never given you quite this level of rush until now. The thing is that a ratchet wrench can't cost you the use of muscle groups and vital nerves. Chainsaws should not be used as grownup toys because they are actually dangerous pieces of machinery that are indifferent to what they are cutting through. Chainsaws don't become sentient and yell to their operators, "Hey! There's a finger in the way of my blade! I know you think you're sawing a 2-by-4 for your new porch but you're about to hit a part of your own body!" Even if your Sayer chainsaw could develop the power of speech, it wouldn't be able to finish such a sentence in time before you start screaming and trying to find the nearest cloth to slow your body's blood flow. CHAINSAWS ARE NOT TOOLS FOR PRANKS! If you're a child of the 80s, then you've grown up watching a whole host of horror movies in which loud machinery serves as an effective interruption to an audience's attention pattern i.e. the jump scare. Director Tobe Hooper may have effectively utilized the chainsaw, this staple of slasher classics, to harness the escapist experience of American cinema but he also knew the deadly power this gas cycled machines possess. You SHOULD NOT use a chainsaw to scare or even reenact your favorite scenes from chainsaw based horror films. Even if you take the chain off of the saw and simply rev the loud engine to scare someone who isn't aware of their surroundings, you're still finding pleasure in the suffering of others in order to feel something. THERE'S NO "WINGING IT" WITH CHAINSAWS! Chainsaws can be a useful tool for building and constructing when they are in the right hands. They can also be implements of dismemberment and regret when they are in the wrong hands (and sometimes those p...

26 APR 2024 · No stranger to courting controversy with Donald Trump, Elon Musk or Shane Gilles, SNL's host was Covid-19. Lorne Michaels was quoted as saying, "The idea behind the show was always to highlight what is currently happening in the culture, regardless of politics, celebrity popularity or a virus that killed over seven million people." Cast members reacted on social media with the announcement. Bowen Yang posted on Instagram a picture of an N95 mask, with the caption, "This week, I'll be playing a character called Bowen Quarantine!" The post was quickly deleted. The cold open sketch had Donald Trump (James Austin Johnson) announcing Covid as his new running mate. Trump said his first day in office he would pardon Covid and they would work together to give an "extra special Terminator style Covid" to give out to the "woke Democrats, enemies of Trump, Taylor Swift and the Charmin bears." Covid got an unintentional laugh by misreading a cue card and instead of saying promising "no more vaccinations" said "no more vasectomies". Covid had a cringey opening monologue. He did an extended bit about how nobody at the beginning of the pandemic knew that Covid also caused intense diarrhea. "It's like,I'm more than just a cough and fatigue!" When there were only a couple laughs from the audience, Covid made a face and said, "I thought that was funny. Oh well." Covid went to the audience for any still lingering questions about the virus. Several cast members (Sarah Sherman, Mikey Day) ignored science questions in favor of asking Covid what his "body count was with celebrities". A third audience member popped up and it was Dr. Anthony Fauci who wanted to know if Covid, "was interested in doing Neil Simon's The Odd Couple at the Long Wharf in New Haven". Covid ended the set with not a joke, but morphing into a new strain of the virus resistant to most vaccines. Covid and SNL chameleon Chloe Fineman played TSA drug sniffing dogs who lost their sense of smell during Covid and it never returned. As they talk about their day to day, drug runners keep coming through with no problem. "I haven't caught anybody in four years. I guess drugs are a thing of the past!" Commercial parody for Whole Foods bringing back pandemic shopping hours only for senior citizens. Covid played the spokesperson and said that, "we first had these special hours because of me but now, these seniors are horny and looking to smash." The commercial continued to interview happy seniors played by various members of the cast who were isolated by Covid four years ago and are now looking for quick hookups near the hot buffet. Covid popped up on Weekend Update dressed as a syringe and playing Ozempic. Covid and Colin Jost could not get through the bit without breaking as Ozempic talked in an unexplained Southern drawl that people are more willing to put Ozempic in their body no questions asked than the Covid vaccine, "And, hell, that good for ol' Ozempic." Covid petitioned that the musical guest be known anti-Covid vaxxer, Eric Clapton. Clapton sang his hits, "Cocaine" and "Knockin' On Heaven's Door." Clapton was absent from the goodnights which was later found out to be because he contracted Covid, measles and polio. The last sketch was a video by Please Don't Destroy. The boys were working in their office and John and Martin find out to prevent Covid transmission, Ben is still wiping down all his groceries. Ben ends up wiping down the entire world and the sketch ends with Ben walking down the hallways in the office only to inhale Covid from saying "hi" to Tina Fey. The one show ended with the usual goodnights with Covid thanking the cast and crew for a great show. He laughed and shouted over the music out that new CDC standards allow all of them to return to work in two days if they don't have a fever. The real surprise was when Meningitis (like Dave Chappelle earlier this season) jumped on stage from the audience to wave goodbye. Bowen Yang was visibly upset by Measles and left t...

25 APR 2024 · Tabloid publisher David Pecker says he pledged to be Trump campaign's 'eyes and ears' during 2016 race. Buying and killing Trump stories that might hurt his Presidential campaign. A few you've heard of, Stormy Daniels, Playboy model Karen McDougal…but a few you might not have yet… Donald Debuts New Diamond Flecked Merkin At Epstein Island Soiree Trump's "Mushroom" Not As Fun As Other Types Of Mushrooms, Report NYC Call Girls Trump Takes Pet Rock To Baseball Game Instead Of Eric Trump Sues Teen Boy For Purchasing Last Several Pieces Of Extra Crispy At KFC. Donald's Illuminati Application Rejected Again, Citing "Applicant's Ridiculous Physical Appearance" Trump Pays Fortune To Have Abortion Clinic Built Directly Onto Epstein Island Ranch Dressing Fountains Placed Into Trump Apartment Bathrooms Trump Reads Necronomicon To Children During Local Preschool Story Hour Trump Visits Occupants Of Homeless Shelter, Voraciously Absorbs Life Energies Of Same Donald Trump Complains "Heil Hitler" Motion Too Similar To Exercise

23 APR 2024 · Up Before The Byrds New Order in My Morning Pill Lineup RUSH to Bingo Jane's Golden Girls Addiction Tears for Fears of What Will Happen If I Don't Forward This Chain Letter Booming Talk Radiohead The Who? Cypress Over the Hill Double Trouble Opening a PDF NWAARP The Walk-In Tub Doors NSYNC with this Cruise Ship's Buffet Rotation Cheap Trick-or-Treaters Also Get Toothbrushes The White-Haired Stripes U2 Can Join Our Bridge Club Green Daytime Nap ZZZZZ Top Abdicated Kings of Leon Blind Faith that No One's Behind Me When I'm Backing Up The Cars Following Me Impatiently The Kinks in My Back Weakened Immune System of a Down The Jackson 5 p.m. Dinner Reservation Red Hot Chili Peppers Require An Antacid Coldplay Bing Crosby on the Jukebox My Great-Grandfather Knew Thomas Jefferson Airplane UB40-Year Class Reunion Coming Up Foreigner to TikTok Blues Mobility Scooter Traveler Rage Against the CPAP Machine The Villages People The Bald Eagles

23 APR 2024 · 1. Propose trust falls as a team-building exercise, then let them hold you there with your head back for a bit. 2. Put a mask on and make others feel bad for not doing so. 3. Explain that a recent article in the Wall Street Journal reported that bloodletting increases productivity. 4. Say it's just allergies. 5. Cover your mouth with prayer hands, look to the floor for several minutes, and then, once the blood has clotted, dramatically look up and say, "I say we sell." (Only works if selling the company is a good idea.) 6. Ask if anyone wants any since you're a universal donor. (Only works if you're O-negative) 7. Hold your coffee mug up to your mouth as though you're taking a sip and leave it there until it either fills up or the meeting ends. 8. Distract the group by snapping a pen in your breast pocket and pretending your carotid artery burst. 9. Face away from the table and make an impassioned speech about changing the world through people-oriented sales tactics while standing by the window and peering down at the bustling city below you. 10. Turn your camera off. (Only works on Zoom.)

22 APR 2024 · Q: If you had one piece of advice for making a great Seder, what would it be? A: Dude, it's in the title. Don't bring up Israel. Q: How long should the Seder be? A: Ideally, it should consist of a 30 second summary of the Passover story before moving on to food. In actuality, it'll be about 19 hours of story during which your father will expound at length about how medieval rabbis disagree about the various numerological implications of the number of plagues. You'll also do dayenu nine times using nine different tunes even though no one knows any of the words after the first verse. Q: Should I eat the kosher-for-Passover cake? A: Would you enjoy eating a pile of sand seasoned with human tears? If so, have at it. Q: How much charoset is too much? A: There is no such thing as too much charoset. Q: How would you explain Manischewitz wine to a gentile at your Seder? A: Pixie-stick-flavored Jewish moonshine. Q: Can I eat peanut butter during Passover? A: No one knows. But two points here. 1) You don't keep Passover, so hard to see why it matters. And 2) if you're a Sephardic Jew, you get to do whatever the fuck you want. Q: Really? Can you, like, convert to being a Sephardic Jew? A: Probably not? The irony being that Sephardic Jews aren't bound by any rules, so if you were Sephardic, you could convert, but then you wouldn't need to. Interesting paradox. Hang on, I should write this down. Q: None of this seems to be accurate. Did you not go to Hebrew school or something? A: Actually, I attended an outrageously expensive Hebrew day school for 12 years. Took Talmud classes and everything. Q: Christ. A: Yeah, him I know about. Q: Seriously though, how do I bring up Israel in a way that sparks a thoughtful conversation in which we exchange competing ideas in a respectful, productive manner? A: That is literally impossible. Don't bring it up. Q: What if I feel a deep sense of moral urgency to talk about it? A: There are many wonderful organizations you can give to. Political actions you can take. Talking to your dumbass family at a Seder is not going to be productive. Q: What if this is the year I convince my most abrasive, intransigent relatives of the correctness of my beliefs? A: Are you even listening to yourself right now? Q: Can I bring up Anne Frank? A: Why would you bring up Anne Frank? Q: I dunno. I'm a depressed Jew, and Israel is off-limits. A: Maybe don't talk at all. Just grit your teeth and suffer through it. Q: If everyone dreads family Seders, why do we keep doing them? A: The terms of all family engagements are very clear: 1) sit in traffic for many hours; 2) eat the culinary equivalent of packing peanuts, 3) leave exhausted and emotionally bludgeoned because someone brought up Israel; 4) vow to never do it again; 5) get guilted into doing it again. Q: How are we supposed to avoid any mention of Israel when the central refrain of the Passover story - and, really, the whole point of the exodus from Egypt - is "Next year in Jerusalem?" A: Good point. Maybe try changing the story. After all, good writing is good rewriting. Q: So "Next year in Hoboken?" A: Next Year in Hoboken!

19 APR 2024 · Nike's reveal of their new Team USA uniforms were met with some surprise last week, when the female bottoms barely covered the genitals of the athletes. Product Name Pitches For The New Team USA Women's Olympic Uniform Hoo-Ha Hammock Red, White, And Bush Crotch Canoe Victorious Vulva Viewer Box Blaster Lady Liberty Labia Lance Beaver Balance Beam USA FUPA Finder Clitoris Concealer Patriotic Pussy Preview Cunt Chafer Furburger Freedom Floss Tuna Taco Tightrope The Ol' Vajazzle Dazzle Twat Trapeze Muff Marquee You're A Grand Old Clam The Full Brazilian Star-Spangled Snatch Sling

19 APR 2024 · Preferred Schwarzenegger on The Apprentice. Appears to be an actual Christian, rather than a Trump Christian. Elderly man with full head of hair and a naturally healthy complexion. Nazi related tattoos and clothing (although pull aside and arrange possible future speaking engagements at upcoming Trump rallies) Female juror who was a 5, at best a 6. Became agitated and had to be removed when he realized he couldn't bring his tiki torches into the courthouse. Once went to McDonald's for lunch and ordered a salad. Professional mushroom farmer. Rudy Giuliani in disguise, attempting to get closer to Trump. Liberace impersonator who reminded Trump too much of Lindsey Graham. Guy who just wanted a refund for the Trump golden shoes that had given him several ingrown toenails.

18 APR 2024 · Fundrelshut (adj) - Describes a food that is perfectly boiled. Omaditenadvizen (noun) - When your Oma tells you to choose a more practical career path. Roschteschiser (adj) - Used to describe a strikingly life-like Haribo gummy bear. Volklpaß (noun) - A family that owns only one Volkswagen, despite having quite a large garage. Fustlaugern (verb) - To go as quickly as one can while riding a public bicycle. Fraffelkatten (noun) - A Christmas Market/Schnitzel shop by day, Christmas Market/biergarten by night. Deutchengrubbenick (noun) - The inability to eat any more German food in one sitting. Spouselvalken (verb) - To hike silently next to your wife of 30 years. Skät (adj) - Used to describe a speedy Bundesliga winger. Kanotbronzenteime (noun) - The sinking feeling that it's going to take a lot more than a week in Majorca to be visibly tan. Draoug (noun) - One handful of beer. Könbleiben (noun) - The realization that you no longer fit into your lederhosen due to one too many draougen. Aufenphewel (noun) - The sense of relief one feels when they see a service worker who isn't dressed like a Bavarian milkmaid. Sibileinfestle (adj) - Describes an event where everyone looks like they are siblings. Munchevinderblinder (noun) - No discernable translation.

16 APR 2024 · Citizens provide personal accounts of the other side of Donald Trump. Mary from Berkeley: I was at the zoo. There was a baby rhino that wouldn't drink its milk. None of the zookeepers were having any luck. Suddenly, a man emerged from the crowd that had formed. "Mind if I give it a shot?" It was Donald. He asked if I would hold his jacket as he climbed over the fence. He took that baby rhino, cradled it in his arms, and put the bottle in its mouth. As the rhino suckled, Donald caressed its head, and I could faintly hear him whisper, "It's going to be okay, sweet one." Jodi from Boulder: I was only halfway across the street in my wheelchair when one of my wheels became stuck. I panicked. The light was about to change and I couldn't move. Out of nowhere, a large man bounded into the street. It was Donald. With one hand halting traffic, he guided me to safety. I tried to thank him, but Donald wasn't interested. "Where is the nearest hardware store?" he kept asking. When I finally answered him, he quickly helped me into his Prius and took me straight there. Donald purchased the appropriate tools and proceeded to personally fix the faulty wheel in question. He also bought me a backup chair, but I haven't used it yet because this one works better than ever. Thanks, Donald! Ray from Philadelphia: I was checking out at the supermarket and when I looked in my wallet, I realized that I didn't have enough money to cover my groceries. As I began deliberating which items I would have to put back, I heard a voice behind me. "Let me cover this for you." It was Donald. I tried to decline but it was no use. In fact, he doubled down further and paid for everyone else in line. That still wasn't enough for Donald though. Later, when I was loading my groceries into my car, he came running over with a check for $100,000. As he handed it to me, he looked concerned. "Do you think that will be enough?" he asked, a slight tremble in his voice. I was speechless. He then gave me his personal cell number and insisted that I call him if things ever got hard again. Lucy from Portland: I was crying on the street after losing my job and my boyfriend breaking up with me, all on the same day. Everyone else just passed me by, but suddenly I heard a voice. "Are you all right, dear?" I lifted my eyes and saw the look of a kind soul, a person trying to reach out. It was Donald. I told him what happened. He took me out for coffee, then offered to cover my full tuition to get my master's as well as pay for a dating coach until, in his words, "We find you the happiness you deserve." Craig from San Francisco: It was a huge fire and it was obvious that the firefighters were understaffed. Suddenly, a large man in a suit grabbed a hose. It was Donald. One of the firefighters told him to put it down, that he was violating protocol. Donald would hear none of it. "Punish me later! People's lives are at stake right now!" he shouted as he dashed into the flames. Sarah from Seattle: I was walking in the park early one morning and I saw a man crouched on the ground, working in the soil. As I got closer, I could see that it was Donald. I asked him what he was doing. He told me that he was planting a beautiful tree, which would reach full maturity in 50 years. I guess my eyes betrayed a look of sadness because Donald picked up on it immediately. "I see you're doing the math," he said with a warm smile. "And now you're wondering why I'm doing this if I won't be alive to see the fruits of my labor." I nodded, to which Donald responded with a proverb. "Society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in." I felt a renewed faith in humanity upon witnessing this profoundly selfless act. With tears in my eyes, I thanked him for his service to the community and continued my walk. I can't tell you which park we were in because Donald asked that I keep that private. He feared that a media frenzy would "violate the sanctity of the bond between man a...