After our first podcast was destroyed by a software glitch that blew the audio apart as if by a lightning bolt from God, I suppose, as I waited for Long_Rifle's phone to link up to my recording studio, my thoughts naturally turned to religion. We had had such a lovely first podcast, and suddenly it was just gone. What did it all mean? Was it in heaven playing volley ball with the all women and one man string bikini volleyball league? Was it in hell, listening to Long_Rifle tell yet another yarn in his ongoing series, "The Outstanding Adventures of Long_Rifle and His Massively Enormous Penis Designed by Nasa, by a Team Led by an Artificially Intelligent duplicate of J. Robert Oppenheimer's Brain in its form as it Existed During The Manhattan Project, or, as Long refers to the period, 'Before he became such an epic pussy,' to Develop, Build and Attach What Will Be The Culmination of His Life's Work, The Cybernetic Penile Implant For Near Light Speed Vibration To Ensure a Lifetime's Worth of Time Bending Orgasms for Both Partners In A Single Session of Lovemaking An Experience of Pure Sexual Bliss That Only One Man is Capable and Legally Allowed to Supply. A Man With A Badge and a Pseudonym The Amazed Doctor Who Delivered Him Was The First To Use, Whispering to a Nurse Who Would Later Repeat it to The Mother, "Hot damn! That baby has got one loooong rifle. Let's hope for our daughter's sake he doesn't take up hunting." #E=MCuuuuum!" So, yeah, like I said this was our first attempt, so Long is around to chime in with something dirty or on topic now and again while I persist in divulging many Mormon customs and beliefs that are really not supposed to be shared with people without a temple recommend from your bishop, but to that I'm just like, "Well why did you tell it to *me* then? I'm not a very trustworthy individual. Ask the people who commissioned stories from me!" That's a joke, they're coming. The stories are coming. But for now, strictly for my patrons, as some of what I say is quite personal, still other, wicked gossip, the source of which I prefer to keep behind closed doors. The stuff in here that I prefer share with the few who continue to stick by me and support me as I attempt to get my sea legs back, not having written fiction, or much of anything, since my wife and love of my life passed three years ago, and then Long_Rifle starts talking about his dick again and it almost balances it out. Actually, I really have no idea if this audience will give a damn about this episode or not. There's little to no fetish or AR talk (aside for some theories on where the things that arouse you come from) which is why I'm posting this as a new show, "So If Ya Don't Know Now Ya Know" that is still an experiment, that I have series ideas for and funny ideas for, but back when we first laid it down on wax, we both knew it didn't match the tone or topic of the show at all and immediately recorded a new episode, which I believe was posted about a week ago. And so now, submitted to my beloved patrons for your approval: The following full length episode left abandoned on the cutting room floor due to its serious tone and subject matter, presented as a series of silly to absurd 'secret' beliefs of the Mormon church, told in brief autobiographical bouts recounting my exploits being raised Mormon in the heart of Utah and with the prestige of my bloodline, a a direct descendant of Martin Harris, one of the three witnesses who have sworn to have seen the Golden Plates before Smith buried them again, and who paid for the first publication of the Book of Mormon, such is the official church history, despite certain irrefutable facts that are conveniently left out as nobody likes a muddy fairy tale--but I do like mysteries, and my family still keeps some heavily guarded. I've dug when and where I could, with everything I find hinting that there is still deeper to go. Two decades and the only thing I can prove is they own a vast amount of working farmland in Utah, and quite a bit of unused land, far from Vegas, deep in the desert of Nevada, and on my mother's side, Pingree, a name almost held in more high regard than Harris, though I haven't ever been able to track down why. Some Pingrees have held high positions in the church in the past, but not recently. In twenty years all I can say about them is they own and operate massive amounts of farmland, and all over the state houses, and churches, walls and huge stone rivers, running along hills and zig-zagging through turns before ending up falling, and falling, turned into pure crystal, suspended in midair, turning the sun into an array of lights, a rainbow reflected in the mist as the water crashes between the lily pads, and the small frogs leap between them. Gorgeous rock work rather than brick holds it up, is built along and throughout all of old Utah, my grandfather's name on many of the plaques. I didn't need it to convince me, the connection between the Masons and the Mormons has always fascinated me. And certain documents passed down to me upon his death confirmed the connection. Anyway, I'm using this unusual aborted fetus on the cutting room floor to test the waters of a new show. A "whatever I want to talk about it whenever I want to talk" kind of show. So if you like it, or especially if you like parts of it but not others, letting me know is the surest way to get more episodes, and letting me know what you like is the best way you enjoy the show.