15 DEC 2023 · Cleopatra Was Not Stunningly Beautiful: And Other Ancient History Myths Was Cleopatra really the world's most beautiful woman? Did Nero actually fiddle as Rome burned? Find out in this 4000-word humorous essay debunking the biggest myths from ancient history! From biased Roman chroniclers to Hollywood films putting opulence before accuracy, ancient history comes riddled with misconceptions. We set the record straight on some of the biggest falsehoods still causing confusion from the Stone Age up to the Fall of Rome. Myth #1: Cavemen All Lived Short, Brutish Lives Thanks to cartoonish pop culture images of fur-clad hunter-gatherers perpetually on the brink of disaster, many envision prehistoric man's existence as not just nasty and brutish but extremely short too. Yet archeological evidence reveals Stone Age life expectancies rivaled 19th-century totals. Examinations show relatively few injuries or debilitating conditions on ancient skeletons indicating survival rates statistically on par with recent rural laboring populations when factoring out infant mortality. So while scraping out survival posed challenges, lifespan length surprisingly did not for Neanderthals and Cro-Magnon ancestors mastering naturalistic living skills over generations. They hunted, built complex shelters, developed medicine, created artworks, and sustained their numbers effectively for nearly three million years before agrarianism upended humanity's longest-enduring lifestyle. Myth #2: Roman Vomitoriums Enabled Overindulgence When envisioning lavishly reclining patricians enjoying never-ending feasts, it seems logical they'd require on-demand vomitoriums enabling continuance from one meal directly into the next. Yet no dedicated barf halls existed in ancient Rome. Vomitoriums instead referred to entrance/exit passageways through multi-tiered coliseum seating radially spewing out spectators post-gladiator matches. So while orgies of eating and drinking occurred among decadent Roman elites, tactical purging did not. Their continual indulgence eventually caused obesity, gout and death at young ages instead. Yet the misconception still nauseates history. Myth #3: Spartans Threw Weak Babies Off Cliffs Cinematic depictions show Sparta's warrior culture precipitously hurling sickly infants into the abyss to weed out physical inadequacy. But would the world's fiercest regimented fighting force really murder its own future manpower so wantonly? In reality, evidence suggests a ceremonial Brazen Bull ritual where babies were symbolically placed upon a hilltop representing life’s hardness. Priests then issued verdicts on an infant’s likelihood of surviving harsh military upbringing. Strong babies remained in Sparta while priests recommended weak ones receive communal upbringing instead. So Sparta proved harsh, but never actually flung their future legions off terra firma. Myth #4: Nero Fiddled While Rome Burned When the Great Fire of 64 AD incinerated three-quarters of Rome over six days, legend tells of deranged Emperor Nero sauntering to his penthouse balcony where he fiddled with songs extolling the destruction as the city smoldered. Beyond the suspicious unlikelihood that an emperor witnessed disaster front row amidst panicked evacuations, the oft-cited fiddle instrument did not even exist in 1st century AD Rome. References to Nero's musical talents on the distinctly European vielle a European bowed stringed instrument used in the medieval period 4 centuries later got absurdly translated into “fiddling.” His relief efforts involved personally funding recovery programs to house Rome’s displaced population. While Nero made for a dysfunctional despot in other ways, falsely dramatized tales unfairly cemented his villainous legacy. Myth #5: The Pyramids Were Built By Hebrew Slaves Cecil B. DeMille’s The Ten Commandments immortalized the Hollywood image of ancient Hebrews straining under the cracking whips of Egyptian taskmasters to quarry pyramids block-by-stone in the blistering heat until Moses comes and sets them free. Yet extensive archeological examination reveals construction instead relied on skilled Egyptian seasonal laborers superiority at organization, engineering, and stone-cutting – who took great pride in their craftsmanship. Many willfully worked decades on projects for good income, administrative titles, tax breaks, and guaranteed superior burials close to godlike pharaohs. Labor center settlements reveal well-developed nearby infrastructure too, upending notions of destitute transient slavery. While forced work cannot be fully ruled out, records strongly indicate expert Egyptian masons and carpenters mainly built among humankind’s greatest wonders. Myth #6: Cleopatra Was the World's Most Beautiful Seductress No cinematic siren throughout Hollywood history epitomizes dangerous glamour more than Elizabeth Taylor’s sultry 1963 Cleopatra, vamping her way through political intrigue to bewitch Julius Caesar and Mark Antony. From poster artwork airbrushing Cleopatra as Victoria’s Secret model precursor to Shakespearean portrayals of her flawless mystique enslaving powerful men, popular notions forget Cleopatra’s power stemmed from formidable intelligence, not looks. Contemporary reports suggest Cleopatra instead bore little resemblance to busty movie icons. Plutarch depicted her as relatively slight in appearance, while coins bear a pronounced aquiline nose. Yet she spoke nine languages, showed formidable wit at policymaking, authored medical/philosophic texts, and exuded an effortless regal charm. Enslaving Rome came through character...not cup size. Which proves brains ultimately topple beauty. Thanks for listening to Quiet Please. Remember to like and share wherever you get your podcasts.

15 DEC 2023 · Columbus Was Not the First to Discover America! And Other Falsehoods from the Age of Exploration Think again before giving Chris Columbus all the credit for “discovering” America! This myth-busting podcast aims to set straight the facts about globe-trotting explorers from the 15th-17th centuries making their first contact with distant lands. In this episode, you’ll uncover why Erik the Red didn’t care about Vermont’s fall foliage, how Magellan’s crew brutally completed the first circumnavigation by ship, and why Shakespeare’s big spear-carrying brute Caliban actually came from the Caribbean...not Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Myth #1: Leif Erikson Discovered America Before Columbus Every grade-schooler knows Christopher Columbus pioneered the Americas in 1492 forever changing global geography and migration. Yet claims remain popular that Norse Viking Leif Erikson beat Columbus by 500 years discovering North American shores around 1000 AD. Erikson’s clan even established the first European settlement at L’Anse aux Meadows village in Newfoundland Canada. So doesn’t Erikson deserve props for making the first landfall? Maybe. But he didn’t stick around long enough to enable permanent colonization. And evidence suggests Erikson cared far more about tapping lumber resources than making history. After miners exhausted Greenland’s trees, Erikson followed migrating Inuit peoples pointing him westward where he pragmatically re-established lumber camps off Baffin Island and Newfoundland before returning home. No fanfare. No claim staking. Leif Erikson remains lost to obscurity for another 500 years. Yet the myth perpetuates each October for those arguing Columbus stole Erikson’s glory. Myth #2: Ferdinand Magellan Circumnavigated the Globe School texts extol Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan captaining the first oceangoing voyage to circle the entire planet after his armada departed Spain in 1519 bound for the Spice Islands. But Magellan never completed the global feat. After traversing treacherous Southern Storm seas en route to the Pacific, Magellan faced tribal warfare entering the Philippines where he died in battle before the first fleet reached home shores three years later with a paltry 18 crew out of the original 270 men. So Magellan deserves modest credit for inaugurating global sea travel modes before perishing midway. The full round-the-world completion fell upon Basque navigator Juan Sebastian Elcano commandeered the expedition after Magellan’s death. Even then, four rival ships were lost crossing the Pacific with just Victoria limping back to claim victory for Spain...by which point its Indonesian spices had rotted away fruitlessly Myth #3: Pocahontas Saved John Smith’s Life from Execution Dramatic movie portrayals show Powhatan native princess Pocahontas throwing herself over colonist John Smith’s soon-to-be-bludgeoned head after he gets captured, stopping the brutal public execution just in time. Makes for great romantic tension! Too bad the past is messier... John Smith generated captivating storybook accounts of Jamestown’s hardship including his shocking condemnation to die on tribal lands months after arriving. Yet his narrative omits trademark braggart embellishments: No daring rescue appears in the original memoir. Historians verify Smith got detained weeks after encounters with Pocahontas occurred when she was just 11 years old. And as Powhatan elite, she held little authority to intervene. Sorry Disney, but Smith’s famous rescue looks to be more fairy tale than fact. Myth #4: Shakespeare Created Caliban in The Tempest The deformed brutish native Caliban rankled English colonists with his primitive defiance when Shakespeare debuted the character nearly 400 years ago in The Tempest. Or did he really? Shakespeare actually cribbed consolidated accounts from explorers like Walter Raleigh who described bellicose cannibals off South American coasts as “Caribes” where Caliban’s namesake originates. Combined with similar tales of Pacific island savages from Magellan’s logs, Shakespeare fused these archetypes into the rebellious Caliban trope affirming European notions on colonized peoples as subhuman monstrosities – forever influencing cultural attitudes on indigenous rights. Myth #5 Sir Walter Raleigh Introduced Potatoes and Tobacco to Britain from Virginia What food comes to mind when thinking of Irish cuisine? Potatoes! Yet Ireland lacked spuds until the late 1500s when New World voyages brought back exotic crops like potatoes and tobacco to the British Isles after Sir Walter Raleigh’s Roanoke Colony exploits. Right? True, Walter Raleigh helped popularize smoking after sailors sparked England’s first tobacco craze. But potatoes were cultivated across Europe decades earlier by Spanish conquistadors shipping Andean tubers globally following South American conquests 50 years before Raleigh’s Virginia voyages. Once again historians set the dinner record straight! Thanks for listening to Quiet Please. Remember to like and share wherever you get your podcasts.