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Jen, I genuinely wish you all the success and all the strength it takes to keep battling this 'bullshit' desire. It sucks and there are no two ways about it!! The desire sucks, the withdrawals suck and the humiliation of the chaos you've created sucks. I can promise you though, that if you are genuinely working at sobriety and honest with your family, grace and forgiveness is possible. I am on the other side...I have a damaged spine and use the pain clinic to function. I grew up with a drug dealer for a daddy and my sister and I managed to break the cycle of abuse so I am adamant that I make efforts to KNOW I still need the meds by choosing withdrawal cold turkey once or twice a year to see where my body is at without the meds. I know it's dangerous, I know it's hard on my body, but I know I NEVER want to become a strung out pos like my dad (he has never chosen sobriety...ever). Do I really still need them to be able to stand upright? The answer has been yes for 20 years. But a couple years ago, due to wicked stomache ulcers, I was switched to Belbuca (a form of suboxone) and wonder why on earth isn't this what is given after surgeries and for folks with pain in every single case?!?! Aside from requiring nastiness to dissolve in your mouth, it takes care of the pain with ZERO ZIP NADA ZILCH NO, yes I said NO euphoria or high. It is as strong as an OxyContin or Methadone or Morphine based on the dose, but it WILL NOT MAKE YOU HIGH!! The pain goes away like Advil for a sore muscle!! If you take more than your body needs for pain, it simply makes you sleepy. Yes you can overdose and die just like Percocet. Yes it's addictive just like dilaudid. But it is not addictive because it makes you mentally "feel no pain". It is strictly a physical "feel no pain". I do believe there is a heart risk but based on the insane level of opioid addiction possibilities of even people who genuinely NEED pain meds from the regular opioids, I believe it's worth the risk. Suboxone is not a new med. Insurance will often not cover it for some, but because I am specifically prescribed it from the morphine ripping my stomach up, insurance doesn't complain and charges me all of $8 for a fill. It's dirt cheap. But the pharmaceutical industry doesn't make money when people aren't selling 1/2 of the written prescriptions they receive to addicts on the black market. Seriously...if they stopped writing scrips for pain meds that made you high, the level of NEW addicts would plummet and the pharmaceutical companies would have to find another way to make money. Much love Jen, you've got this.

Hi Jenn. I'm standing here crying, listening to your story. My story started pretty much the same way. Totally innocent prescription that turned into 20 years of drug use. I can totally relate to every single aspect of your story, including the 'chase'. Picking up one person to go to another. Such a waste of time and life. I see this aired in 2017 and I'm curious as to how you are doing now. I hope you're still fighting it. I hope you've won.

So intense, I feel pain and dispare in your voice and you must be so sick and tired. I hope you are well and loving your best life.