It’s Just Not Fair
This week a listener writes in with the following story and question. She writes:

“My story is my soon to be ex-husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for a little under 7 when he told me he, “I thought you were what I wanted but you are not.” I found out shortly after he was having an affair with a co-worker and they had a child together…

I am 2 years into the divorce process and I am working through all the pain of this and sometimes feel and think, where is the justice? How do people do things like this with no consequence? More importantly, I want to let go of all my feelings of this loss and move on. Every now and then the thoughts surface and I am hurt and angry and crave justice for this wrong.

Can you offer advice on how I get past this need for justice and fairness? I am trying so hard to heal, I want it so badly. I don’t like these overwhelming emotions coming and crying like it’s new.”

Life is not fair. That’s a phrase my children wish they would never hear again. Whenever my kids start to complain about perceived unequal treatment that was/is my standard reply.

So my initial response to you is “Life’s not fair.” But that’s not a very constructive answer and doesn’t give you any tools you can use to cope with your feelings, so let’s back up and start over.

In last week’s podcast I discussed the pain of being surprised by the divorce and how it can seem that the party wanting out is cold and uncaring. It sounds like you were surprised and it’s taking you awhile to work through the healing process.

Two years after a divorce from a 16 year relationship it is normal for you to still be ambushed by emotions. It will likely take you 4-5 years to get to the point where you can say you are healed.

It’s only normal to view your situation as unfair, because it is. It’s not fair that you invested 16 years of your life in a relationship that your husband threw away. It’s not fair that your children don’t have a father around full-time. It’s not fair that your ex is in a new relationship and you are left to pick up the pieces.

Let’s take a deeper look at your ex’s situation. He has to live with the knowledge that he walked out on his family. He’s in a relationship that started as an illicit affair. He is trying to support a new family as well as paying child support (I assume.)

So he is coming out of this with no consequences. I can’t imagine how trust could develop in a relationship that started as an affair. You know your partner was capable of cheating so it will only be a matter of time until they get bored and cheat again.

Every week he has to see a portion of his paycheck go to support the family he abandoned. The regret must be horrendous.

You may think he doesn’t have consequences, but I assure you he does.

You, on the other hand, can be free in the knowledge that this wasn’t your fault. Sure you weren’t the perfect spouse, no one is. But you didn’t cheat.

You now have the opportunity to learn from this situation. You can become the best you possible, and when the time is right you can have a new relationship that’s everything you’ve ever wanted.

As foreign as the concept may seem, the best thing you can do is forgive your ex: This was one of the biggest steps in my own journey towards healing. Forgiving him doesn’t mean that what he did was OK, it simply means that you are not going to let his past actions control you anymore. You are placing him in God’s hands.

“The Lord is slow to anger but great in power; the Lord will not leave the guilty unpunished.” – Nahum 1:3

But, “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” – Proverbs 28:13

When you forgive your ex, you are letting God deal with him however He sees fit.

You are then free to claim the promise of Joel 2:24-26.

“The threshing floors will be filled with grain; the vats will overflow with new wine and oil.