The Weekly Humorist Podcast

The Next 10 Air Bud Movies

Fri, 24 Jan 2025 20:58:56 +0000

Air Bud Tennis: Game, Pet, Match
Air Bud Golf: Chip & Mutt
Air Bud Boxing: South-Paw
Air Bud NASCAR: Need for Breed
Air Bud Mixed Martial Arts: Ground-and-Hound
Air Bud Spelling Bee: Consonants & Growls
Air Bud Hide & Seek: You Can Run, But You Can't Raw-Hide
Air Bud Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest: A Wiener is Crowned
Air Bud Company Picnic: Pug-of-War
Air Bud Frisbee: A Sport That Dogs Actually Play

MAGAmmendments to the Ten Commandments

Thu, 23 Jan 2025 22:51:04 +0000

1st Commandment: Thou shall not have any other gods before me. And by me, I mean me, Trump. This God of yours had a good run, hell of a guy, but let's face it, he's been on his way out for awhile now.
1st Commandment addendum: Thou shall not make me into graven imaginary (not to include bitcoin, NFTs, fake bibles, limited edition coins and plates, hats, shot glasses, and more to be amended at a later date).
2nd Commandment: Thou shall not take the Lord's name in vain, which is definitely a big one. Unless you're willing to cut me in on the deal and let me get my beak wet, then you can take it in vain to your heart's content. Let's set up a meeting.
3rd Commandment: Observe the sabbath day and keep it holey. Get it? Like a golf hole, "holey ". Anyway yeah, get in at least one round of eighteen holes each and every Sunday.
4th Commandment: Honor thy mothers and father. If you're hot and limber, honor thy father by sitting on his lap while wearing skimpy outfits, that's probably the best way.
5th Commandment: Thou shall not commit murder, but c'mon, let's be realistic. Just do your best to keep your own hands clean and I'll do what I can from my end, for the right price .
6th Commandment: Thou shall not commit adultery wasn't originally in the Ten Commandments, did you know that? It was snuck in by sleepy Joe and the crooked left wing radical media.
7th Commandment: Thou shall not steal. In fact, do everything in your power to stop the steal!! No commandment has ever been treated this poorly, it's a true disgrace.
8th Commandment: Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor unless its absolutely necessary to do so in order to get what you want, or to completely destroy anyone who opposes you. And it's not bearing false witness if YOU believe it!
9th Amendment: Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's house , and luckily why would I need to ? Check out this house !! Look at all of this gold, man! Even the toilet is made of gold! So yeah, how about you not covet MY house. Your house sucks.
10th Commandment: Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife, who, let's face it, is maybe a four at best. As for me, I date models, and let me tell you, when you're a big celebrity like me, they let you do whatever you want. Kiss them, grab their pussies, you can do it all.

The Next Four Years Told Through Youtube Titles

Wed, 22 Jan 2025 01:25:41 +0000

ALL 200 Executive Orders EXPLAINED
Kroger Grocery Haul After NEW Tariffs
LIVE: Floating Orb Hovers Above Chicago Bean
Alien Invasion or Elaborate Hoax? Zane & Maya Discuss While Cooking Chicken Alfredo
Mel Gibson's Message to Orb: "Get The Hell Out!" | FOX NEWS
What I Wished I Knew BEFORE I Learned The Orb Was a LIVING Person
"It's Similar To Your Human Eyeball" - Orb On The Slimy Membrane That Coats His Body
I Helped 1 Orb Gain U.S. Citizenship
Doctors REACT to Orb's Gaseous Trail
We Built The World's Biggest Three Piece Italian Suit (ft. Orb)
Orb Relives The 50 Year War That Led To His Banishment While Eating Spicy Wings | Hot Ones
Trying Orb's Viral Molecularized Protein Goo Recipe
356 Year Old Listens To LED ZEPPELIN For The First Time!!
Orb says him and Sabrina Carpenter are just friends | TMZ
ULTIMATE Skincare Routine for OOZY Skin
Orb - Worship Me (Orbs are Gods Where I Come From) ft. Jelly Roll (Official Music Video)
Why I Got Plastic Surgery to Look Like Orb
His Name is Doug? Orb Exposed As Teenager Who Ran Away From Home According To Orb Parents
ORB FLIES HOME #shorts #ByeOrb
Coolest Animals You Can FINALLY Eat! (ft. RFK Jr.)

Brand New Sexual Bases For The Age Of OnlyFans

Mon, 20 Jan 2025 08:17:52 +0000

1st Base: Sniffing each other's skid marks.
2nd Base: Serenading an open wound.
3rd Base: Tea-bagging box set of Stargate: The Complete Series on blu ray.
4th Base: Warm coleslaw enema given by a guy cosplaying as Dean Koontz.
5th Base: Consensual glorfing.
6th Base: Ship In A Butthole (building a small replica of a 19th century schooner in one another's anal cavity).
7th Base: Making a snuff film with the Hamburger Helper mascot.
8th Base: Blowing down a Pirates Of The Caribbean Lego set with a series of queefs.
9th Base: Pulling a train, but in your caboose.
10th Base: Teaching your crab lice to make their own OnlyFans account to help pay for groceries and other household expenses.

Boeing's Quality Control Team Meets to Discuss Safety and Bird Attacks

Mon, 20 Jan 2025 07:34:02 +0000

BOB, Boeing's Chief Safety Officer, is seated at the head of a table in a conference room. He is surrounded by Boeing's Quality Control team, including LIZ, the Chief Safety Engineering Officer.
BOB (looking at a clock that reads 1:30 PM): Thank you all for making this emergency standup first thing in the morning. I know everyone has a busy day of folding paper planes and setting them on fire, but we are at Code Red after another devastating crash.
LIZ (stacking a house of cards): My God. How could this happen?
BOB: We don't know. Sometimes unforeseeable mysteries happen that are simply beyond comprehension or government accountability. Sometimes they happen again. Sometimes unforeseeable mysteries simply beyond comprehension happen a few more times, and it looks like this is our latest vagary of fate.
LIZ: Is it bad?
BOB (looking at a computer running Windows 95): Extremely. Stocks are down 5%. I just don't understand how these planes keep crashing. Where's the Independent Inspector for the FAA?
WILLIAM E. BOEING III: Right here, Sir. I personally vetted that plane, from the moment it came off the assembly line to the moment of my lunch break. It looked perfectly fine.
BOB: Well, we did everything we could. Meeting adjourned.
Everyone begins to get up.
LIZ (nonplussed): But what about damage control?
CARTER, Chief Factory Safety Officer, walks to the end of the room to pick up a broom and fire extinguisher.
BOB: Not so fast, Carter. She was speaking metaphorically.
CARTER: No Sir, it appears a machine has broken and the factory is on fire.
LIZ: My God. How could this happen?
BOB (indignantly): Carter, if you can't make these important meetings and fulfill your job responsibilities, maybe we should have a different conversation entirely.
CARTER (putting down the extinguisher and dialing 912): Not a problem, Sir.
BOB: Take a seat, team. Liz is right. We have to go into damage-control mode and get to the bottom of this crash. But we need to ask the right questions.
LIZ: How could this happen?
BOB: Wrong question.
CARTER: Who's responsible?
BOB: Even more wrong.
WILLIAM: Who can we blame?
BOB: Bingo. Someone's head has to roll. We've crashed jets before, but this one takes the cake, and there have to be disciplinary measures.
CARTER: A russian missile.
WILLIAM: King Jong Un.
LIZ: Concrete walls.
The doors swing open and BOB's assistant ALEX barges into the room. LIZ's house of cards collapses from the gust.
LIZ (looking at her house of cards): My God. How could this happen?
ALEX: Sir, I've got it. Birds!
BOB: Birds?
ALEX: Birds. They're saying a bird hit the plane and got stuck in the wing. Pilots call it a "bird strike."
BOB: First the DOJ, then Congress; now a tactical bird attack? Unbelievable.
CARTER: But I thought the jet tried to land without its wheels deployed…
ALEX: The birds must have knocked them off.
BOB (pensively): Maybe it was birds all along.
CARTER: What about the plane that crashed from engine failure?
ALEX: Bird in the turbine.
CARTER: The cabin door that flew off mid-flight?
ALEX: Bird in the stratosphere.
CARTER: Crash from the automated nosedive error?
ALEX: Bird in the computer.
BOB (trembling): It's a full-on bird invasion.
LIZ: My God
BOB (interrupting LIZ): Save the thoughts and prayers for the vigils and Senate hearings. 'Cause there will be plenty. People are really pissed this time. Don't they know you gotta crack a few 800,000-pound deathtraps to make a mega-corporation that's too big to fail?
WILLIAM (dejectedly): Why couldn't this happen after inauguration day?
BOB (to WILLIAM): Looks like we'll have to play defense for a few weeks. Even if this crash occurred entirely because of an all-out avian assault, we need to keep it from occurring again. Brainstorming, go!
LIZ: Parachutes for planes.
CARTER: Declare war against bird-kind.
WILLIAM: Transition to hydrogen-powered blimps.
CARTER: A more transparent control process.
Everyone boos.
LIZ: How about takeout? Maybe Korean?
BOB: Liz, you're a visi...

J.D. Vance's Inauguration Day Schedule

Fri, 17 Jan 2025 22:20:31 +0000

6:00am:
Wake up early and check Donald Trump's social media feeds to see if he's been mentioned. See that he has not, and, not that it matters, but Elon Musk has already been mentioned five times.
6:15am:
Walk his dog Atlas; promise not to eat Atlas like he ate his last dog.
6:30am:
Relax on well-worn couch while his wife Usha feeds and clothes her three young children.
7:00 am:
Celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. Day by searching all furniture store sales within a 50-mile radius for deals on new couches.
8:00am:
Check social media again, this time just for name in general, and find the 4,566,578th and 4,566,579th joke about him fucking a couch.
8:30am:
Start to wonder if there's somewhere he needs to be; text buddy Donald Trump Jr. to casually ask when he's planning to get there and if he can send the address again.
8:37am:
Receive forwarded Evite from Trump Jr. for inauguration. 1,186 people have already responded, beginning three months ago. Mike Pence is a "maybe."
9:00am:
Rehearse speech about growing up middle class in suburban Ohio - wait no, poor in rural Kentucky - receiving an education funded by government assistance from the G.I. Bill - wait no, funded by his own grit alone - and rising to prominence due to being chosen as the puppet of a conservative billionaire - no wait, due to his appealing and relatable personality that in no way makes him historically unpopular.
9:15am:
Realize he should invite Usha so she can watch her kids during the ceremony. Forward her the Evite.
9:16am:
Receive instant response from Usha, saying that she already RSVP-ed "yes" like three months ago.
9:30am:
Do a bunch of jumping jacks for exercise. Also to be sure that, in case anyone happens to do them at one of the inaugural balls tonight, he can jump higher than Musk. Or whoever might do it.
10:15am:
Show up early to inauguration venue and realize he forgot ID. Go back to get it because no one recognizes him.
11:00am:
Return to venue with ID. Secret Service agent says "I thought the VP-elect was already here." Musk walks by and whispers something in the agent's ear. Agent says "oh sorry, come on in, Mr. Vant."
11:01am:
Tell Secret Service agent that it's actually "Vance." Receive no response from agent.
12 - 1pm:
Smile for camera during entire inauguration ceremony, despite fact that only back of head is shown on TV, even during own swearing in.
1:00pm:
March in Inaugural Parade twelve feet behind Musk, feel totally fine about it.
2:00pm:
Realize after an hour of marching next to Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and listening to his lengthy rant about how Band-aids are making Americans bisexual that Kennedy does not know who he is.
3:00pm:
Find an opening in Kennedy's on-going monologue to re-introduce himself. Kennedy says that name "doesn't ring a bell, sorry" and asks if he's ever eaten raw polar bear meat.
4:00pm:
Proudly sit at the Theodore Roosevelt desk and announce first initiative as Vice President will be to make "MILF" the official pornography genre of America because it will make forced motherhood look more appealing, and also because Usha found that term in his internet search history last week and he told her it was just for a work thing.
7:00pm:
Attend all three Inaugural Balls, but somehow never at the same time as Trump.
11:00pm:
Text Trump, Trump Jr., and Kennedy to ask where the afterparty is. Receive no response.
11:10pm:
See Musk's social media posts from an afterparty on what looks like a golden rocketship. Buzz Aldrin is there.
11:30pm:
Receive text from Usha asking about recent "cat lady pornography" search on iPad he forgot she has the password to.

A Letter to My Younger Self of a Few Weeks Ago About Our New Year's Resolutions

Wed, 15 Jan 2025 02:20:02 +0000

Dear Younger Self of a Few Week Ago,
I'd like to say I'm proud of you and that, like bourbon, you've been through an aging process and your refinement has made me mature and earthy, with peaty undertones. Instead, I need to say that being drunk on leftover Christmas bourbon eggnog is no excuse for signing me up to be a better you.
When we went through the same charade last year, we agreed that in the future, the only New Year's resolution would be to make no resolutions. Yet you, once again, got caught up in the contagion of the season. Like last year, we're mere moments into the new year and our resolutions are more like irresolutions.
Most of your aspirations are admirable, although you think more highly of your future self than you ought. I'm physically broken after attempting "300 burpees each week - it does not count if knees touch the ground." At 10 am on 1 January, I was still snug in bed. By then, I'd already failed "A daily 5 am 10-mile run - rain, hail, or shine, or hurricane, or tsunami, or earthquake, or fire, or landslide, or famine, or angry mob, or nuclear war - nothing will stop me."
I applaud your plan to "Eat healthier - no more triple bacon burgers with loaded fries and extra thick thickshakes at 2 am." But it's not my fault you packaged and labeled all the Christmas leftovers for each day until February. I've been eating the ham like you were drinking the eggnog: without reading the use-by date, late at night on the kitchen floor, alone, and belting out Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now."
You know my bathing routine is much like that of a hedonistic tourist visiting Icelandic hot springs. "Be like Wim Hof and only have ice baths" was never going to happen.
If you had wanted me to "Save money - remember that buying things on sale is not actually saving," then you wouldn't have purchased the top-of-the-line standing desk with buy-now-pay-later. I haven't used the standing functionality, and I now slump at my desk an extra hour each night to pay it off.
I'd been doing well at "Be a better son - stop telling Dad he was never around." Until I lied to him, saying I don't believe in New Year's resolutions and that New Year's Day is an arbitrary construct created by Pope Gregory XIII in 1582 when he needed a reason to tell his family that he really was going to try to be a more present Pope.
If you were serious about "Become at peace with myself and my hairline," you shouldn't have forced me into these resolutions. I've been frazzled enough that I'm like a sheep right after a shear - skittish, hairless, and unable to do anything but bleat frightened sounds.
Please tell me it was a joke when you resolved to "Become an astronaut - shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." Nothing has changed in the last few weeks. I still don't like flying. I don't like being away from home. I'm claustrophobic. I'm awkward with small groups of people. Don't you remember the nightmare? We were abducted by aliens who put us in an ill-fitting David Bowie mask and made us sing "Space Oddity" on repeat for three years. We woke up screaming "Here am I floating 'round my tin can."
You became irrational with "Become the first person to climb Mount Everest naked." As mentioned, you're not the fittest person. Also, it was a trade-off between a nude climb of the world's highest peak and "Improve my love life." I've opted for the resolution that involves fewer frostbite amputations of my nether regions.
As I look back over the last few weeks, my most important advice is this: Stop saying "New year, new me," because although it's a new year, I'm the same old you.
Sincerely,
A Few Weeks Older You

Your Mom's a Whore and Other Claims About Your Family No Longer Fact-Checked by Meta

Mon, 13 Jan 2025 04:26:51 +0000

"Meta said on Tuesday that it was ending its longstanding fact-checking program, a policy instituted to curtail the spread of misinformation across its social media apps." - The New York Times
Hannibal Lecter famously said that "democracy is a slow process of stumbling to the right decision instead of going straight forward to the wrong one."
Well Hannibal, we did it. At long last, we have the freedom our esteemed forefathers promised us 250 years ago in that sacred document, the Constitution: to slander and lie in "digital public squares" without fear of censorship by insecure billionaire overlords.
It's like Christmas came twice this year. I'm so excited I can't sleep. So I'll spend the night posting my truths across all Meta platforms, which have been censoring me since 2004.
Yo brother so fat he ate Greenland and set off World War III.
Yo other brother so ugly he once got mistaken for a Cybertruck.
Yo papá so skinny he slipped through the border wall only to get caught by US Customs and Border Protection and flown back to Guatemala to try again. Good luck with that, hombre!
Yo mama so fat she started a social media platform called XL.
Yo nephew so fat he ate half of Meta's cash on hand for dinner (and the other $35 billion for breakfast).
Yo sister so homely a former president called her "a two."
Yo grandpa so old he's been ranting about being censored by Metamucil.
Yo teenage son so horny he thought X was a porn site.
Yo aunt so stupid she flatly refused to be an angel investor in a company whose origin story is ranking chicks from a Harvard dorm room.
Yo uncle so fat they added a South Wing to the White House after the 2nd Coming of Christ - -dressed in a very clever disguise - -made him Secretary of Health and Human Services.
Yo wife looks so young even Matt Gaetz passed.
Yo kids so stupid they thought our generation was better than this.
Yo mama a whore and Facebook karma is quietly standing in the corner, pathetic and impotent.
I am finally a fully liberated white male. #thanksMeta
3

In Space, No One Can Hear You Stream

Sat, 11 Jan 2025 01:55:22 +0000

In the year 2050, all of the tv shows that you will ever watch in your lifetime are uploaded into your mind at birth. Since you are a clone, the network systems know what shows will be most beneficial for you. Here's a sampling of what you might see.
Not Freaky At All Friday
When Vicki and her mother accidentally switch bodies, they both decide to accept their new identities and adopt the pronouns of Me and You.
World War TMZ
The fierce and bloody battle between various agents of paparazzi comes to a sudden head when Taylor Swift reveals an ability to telepathically control hornets.
Bachelor Island
Do you believe that a few decades ago people used to watch The Bachelor?? Jesus Christ. Anyway, at least it means that we have this much superior show now, where former contestants from The Bachelor are hunted for sport on an island owned by ugly guys who were bullied in high school but are rich and resentful now.
Little Debbie For Hire
Private Investigator Deborah Santiello finds herself shrunken down to miniature size and uses her new condition as an advantage for her most dangerous cases. No connection to the snack cake mascot, although the show character does coincidentally make snack cakes as her go to hobby.
Dr Philth
When Dr Phil's sour essence is transferred into a sentient mound of soiled medical waste, it, well… no one really notices, to be honest.
Lizard Male Prime & Penny
Is it off world lizard people propaganda? Or simply a fun and breezy half hour of clever chat and the latest multidimensional pop culture gossip? If you care about the difference, then you just don't get it.

I've Taken Temporary Custody of Liam Gallagher To Ensure the Oasis Tour Actually Happens

Fri, 10 Jan 2025 00:57:18 +0000

Despite what Liam Gallagher is yelling through a lightly locked door in this cabin in the woods, I did not kidnap him.
I only borrowed Liam Gallagher temporarily.
I'm simply keeping him away from his brother Noel Gallagher to ensure the Oasis tour happens.
Their Gen X fans need this reunion. This may be the last year we can stay awake late enough to go.
I'm trying to tell Liam Gallgher what I'm doing for him, for us. But he won't stop shouting. Maybe he is actually doing vocal exercises to prepare for his tour? The way he combines profane words is definitely musical.
I wish he would stop calling me a kidnapper. That is a mischaracterization. He voluntarily got into my vehicle. Yes, I told him the record label sent me, but I was driving a dented 2019 Rav 4, and wearing plaid pajama bottoms. Some of this is on him.
Obviously, when a world famous rock star hops in your compact crossover willingly, it is not an abduction. He even slept all the way up here, after I gently applied a warm chloroform cloth to his face.
I'm hoping he'll settle down and we'll be able to hang out. I want to ask him about his quirky haircuts. I want to know what a Champagne Supernova is. I want to count how many times he can say fuck in 30 seconds. I thought we might even have a pillow fight, but he's trying to bite me whenever I bring him food.
I'm trying to tell him his music transports Gen X back to life before toxic social media, adjustable mortgages, and insufficient retirement funds. I want him to know he was a vital part of the magical days when we bought things in cash, and burped up Goldschlager shots.
He doesn't seem to care. I've never heard some of the words he is shouting. Liam Gallgher is so creatively talented he creates his own swears. Unfortunately, they are being hurled at me.
I bet he'll soon realize I'm doing this for an entire generation of fans, and as is growing more obvious by the minute, for the safety of Noel Gallagher.
Maybe not. He is kicking a hole through the door. I guess he isn't in the mood for the karaoke duets I planned.
His behavior, I mean behaviour, is uncalled for. I told him he is free to leave whenever he wants.
Except we have no cell signal, the Rav 4 is out of gas, and there is a blizzard outside.
So did I kidnap Liam Gallagher as he loudly alleges?
No.
I am simply a hero in the making, ensuring that Gen X gets to see one of the seminal bands of our youth again.
My peers will celebrate my genius. I will be lauded by their millions of fans. Oasis should share some profits with me.
Without my bold intervention, this tour might have been cancelled before it even started.
I'm a Wonderwall, and Liam Gallagher doesn't appreciate me.
I bet Noel Gallagher does.

Driving Directions to My Place Way Out in the Sticks

Wed, 08 Jan 2025 18:22:14 +0000

I live somewhat in the boonies, so people sometimes get lost driving to my place. I'll try to keep it simple. Got a pencil and paper ready?
Start by getting on Old Route 4. It's got another name on GPS, but GPS is worthless here because of the surrounding hillocks. You'll be on the road a good long while. If you pass the corn billboard, you've gone too far. Turn around and head back about 20 miles.
When you come to a traffic circle, take the northwest exit perpendicular to the lake.
This is grasshopper country, so roll your windows up tight. They'll drop their eggs right into the passenger compartment of a speeding car and onto your lap. I've seen it too many times.
Cross the county line. There used to be a road marker before the washout. All the locals know where it was, and the county commissioner for sure knows.
Don't be alarmed by all the lasso weed. It's native to here.
You'll pass through a few towns named after the presidents of Rotary clubs. One of the towns - the second one I think - has a building that looks like a cross between a bank and a bowling alley. They sell things like macrame plant holders, or at least they have them hanging outside. I've never been inside.
You'll drive over Big Creek, which was paved over before I can remember.
Right about here the road gets wide.
The speed limit on this stretch is 55, but you won't know that because the signs are pocked with bullet holes. Folks here have guns, and they don't like the government telling them what to do. If you've ever been a summer intern at the Department of Health and Human Services you'd best keep that on the down-low.
I recommend you stop for gas at the station that says Last Stop Before the State Line. You've still got a ways to go. God help you if you drive an EV.
Since you can't get radio reception you might check out the countryside. In the far distance you'll see a mountain range that some people think looks like a sleeping princess. Whatever.
It's all gravel from here on in.
Turn left where it looks like the entrance to a corn maze. That's the main artery to my community. Head toward the water tower. My building is directly under it. Parking is free.
All the apartments look the same to the casual observer. Mine is painted off-white, although my neighbors say it's dusty gray. To me, it's more like yellow. Really it depends on the angle of the sun and time of year. Also, none of the apartments have numbers. I'll be out back listening to music on my headphones, so knock violently and shout. Make sure you're at the right apartment, because, as I said before, folks here have guns.
That's all there is to it.
Please be prompt.

Uber Rebrands to Enhance Customer Fee Experience

Tue, 07 Jan 2025 20:22:24 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO, January 7, 2025 /PRNewswire/ - Uber Technologies, Inc. (NYSE: UBER), the world's largest mobility and delivery technology platform, today announced its first rebranding since UberCab became Uber in October 2010. This strategic move reflects the company's commitment to technological innovation in an ever-changing digital landscape and signals a new era of possibilities. Uber will now be known as Uber Fees, Inc. (NYSE: BILK).
The rebranding to Uber Fees symbolizes a new chapter, building upon its strong foundation while hyper-focusing the company on the one thing it does better than anyone else. Uber Fees is already the market leader in service fees, operating fees, booking fees, delivery fees, pet fees, cancellation fees, lost items fees, found items fees, entrance fees, uncancellation fees, waiting fees, fresh air acquisition fees, reuncancellation fees, exit fees, airport fees, extra stop fees, no stop fees, unreuncancellation fees, and pee fees.
"We're not just about charging fees; we're revolutionizing what fees can be," adds Dara Khosrowshahi, CEO of Uber Fees. "Take surge pricing. We pioneered that. We learned that if it is 14 below zero and you're stranded in Albany, you're willing to pay whatever we decide."
"Our decision to rebrand as Uber Fees solidifies our identity," continues Khosrowshahi. "It represents our vision for the future. Our employees and customers have never been clear who we really are. Some view us as a transportation company. Some view us as a food delivery service. Starting today, it should be clear that we are all about milking customers for every last dollar that we can in the most intrusive, least transparent ways possible."
The new brand identity better reflects Uber Fees' core values, known by its 30,000 plus employees as GRIFTED, which stands for Gouging, Raising prices, Inflation, Fleecing, Thieving, Extortion, and Diversity.
Uber Fees is also launching a patent-pending, zero-click fee experience where if someone opens the app, they'll pay a fee. Handing over your money has never been easier. Sundeep Jain, Uber Fee's Chief Product Officer and SVP of Fees, added, "We're focusing on what we do best in this new app. No more worries about finding a car or deciding what food to order. You can't do anything other than pay us a fee every time you open it." The app uses state-of-the-art Gamified Revenue Algorithmic Billing (GRAB) technology to transform the mundane act of parting with your money into an addictive wealth-shedding game. "Sometimes, the fee may be a dollar or two; other times, you may have to take out a payday loan," Jain continued. "Want to know what fees you'll pay? The only way to find out is to pop open the app!"
"Some may ask, what are we going to do with all this money we collect?" Khosrowshahi reflected. "We have countless hard-working drivers that are just scraping by. We could give them health insurance. But that isn't consistent with who we are. We started as a company that could give our customers a ride. Now, we take our customers for a ride more than ever before."
You can learn more about Uber Fees and its rebranding by visiting uberfees.com and paying the information access fee.
About Uber Fees, Inc.
Uber Fees, Inc. (NYSE: BILK) is the world's largest fee-collection platform, operating in over 10,000 cities across 90 countries. Our mission is to revolutionize how people pay fees, making it easier, faster, and more frequent to give us your money. Founded in 2009, Uber Fees continues to lead the industry in customer extraction techniques.
Legal Disclaimer
As per the Uber Fees, Inc. terms of service, any person, bot, or animate creature who views this press release is subject to a word absorption fee.
###

CARTOON: Cuddle Crisis

Sun, 05 Jan 2025 02:06:33 +0000

New Year's Resolutions From Parallel Earth Alpha Nova 7

Sun, 05 Jan 2025 00:23:35 +0000

Eat more scorpions.
Hook up to metabo-chamber for at least seven cycles per ankh-coin.
Continue worship of The Manor's blood moon delegation.
Switch to baked from fried warlock discharge packets.
Enlist offspring in clan-wide contest of mental and physical dexterity.
Prepare for The Great Merging; check pantry for extra napkins and plastic cups in case of company.

I'm a Popcorn Bowl NOT a Throw-Up Bowl

Sun, 05 Jan 2025 00:09:25 +0000

Hey, Greg. No, you're not hallucinating; it's me, your popcorn bowl. I know we don't normally do this, but I don't know how much time we have, so I'd appreciate it if you listen to what I have to say. Greg, I am a popcorn bowl. That means I hold popcorn, not throw up.
Aw, here we go - do not get all defensive on me! I promise you're not the victim here. Look, I know you're not the only person who does this; honestly, it'd be so much easier if you were. I'd simply call Animal Control to sedate you like the crazed primate you are, but sadly, this is much bigger than the two of us. What we're dealing with is a systemic issue propagated by Big Trash, a bunch of no-good, lazy hacks trying to push their municipality-appointed responsibilities off onto the little guy. But regardless of what their shameless propaganda might have you believe, I, as your popcorn bowl and your friend, am telling you to knock it off. I mean, c'mon, haven't you ever heard the expression "Don't puke where you eat?" Oh, is that 'not really the phrase'? Screw you, Greg; I'm a popcorn bowl, not a bowl of idioms!
I'm not naive; I know no job is perfect. Believe you me, I've seen how corporate America has changed you, and it hasn't been a lick for the better. You were once so young, passionate, and full of life, and now…no offense, but your hairline has morphed into more of a hair "dash," and the check engine light of your marriage is blazing red. And yet, even on your worst day at KPMG, I'm betting no one has ever blown chunks in your face. Oh, they have? Well, that's accounting for you. No one made you become a CPA. How many times have I said as you ugly cried to "Dead Poets Society" that teaching was your true calling? But sure, why listen to a popcorn bowl when you can throw up in it instead?
You know, the crazy thing is, I wanted this to work so badly that I probably could have gaslit myself into enduring this Sisyphean hellscape if only you applied this same devil-may-care attitude to your other household wares. But not once have you barfed in that bitchy crockpot or yaked in the crotchety Dutch oven. In the sick, twisted, food-vomit Venn diagram, I sit alone in the middle. Your intrusive thoughts are right, by the way: Nancy is too good for you. And you know what, so am I.
Sorry, I know the Nancy stuff is still pretty raw, and just because you hurt me doesn't mean I have to hurt you back blah blah blah. I've just been having a really hard time lately, not that you cared to notice. This fun new bachelor diet of spoiled hot dogs and Coors Lights you're doing has put me in a dark place. A few more days of this torture, and I might just give in to that sweet siren song beckoning me from the trash compactor…
Oh my God, I know you did not just call me dramatic! Wow, Nancy was so right about you. How we ever fit in this apartment with your ego taking up the whole place is beyond me. Greg, I really wanted to help you and let you down gently, but I've had enough. Nancy has signed the papers, and she's taking me with her. Don't look so shocked; you couldn't possibly have thought those cheap bottles of wine and even cheaper hair plugs were gonna win her back.
Nancy is a popcorn-loving queen, nay a goddess, and she deserves to be with someone who appreciates her, someone who's never eaten something called a 'meat bazooka,' and someone who knows that a toilet bowl is the only proper place to vomit. I can't wait to get started on our new life together. As for you, here's some free advice: the next time you inevitably go goblin-mode on four-day-old shrimp, go to the bathroom like a normal person, and maybe, just maybe, you won't die alone.

The New Astrology: You Are A Combination of Two of These Five Pillars

Fri, 03 Jan 2025 22:39:26 +0000

The five personality pillars are Clean-Cut, Alternative, Risky, Grunge, and Whimsy. Every person you've ever met is a combination of two, including you. Detailed descriptions of each pillar are below:
Clean-Cut
You have your shit together. This may be in the form of having a steady job, a tidy apartment, an Excel-sheet budget, or likely all three of these things. This pillar is often associated with the "Type A" personality*. You are particular about things, very organized, and, for lack of knowing how to word this better, have a specific way of making sure shit works out the way you want it to. You may be especially skilled at driving, goal-setting, and sending follow-up emails. *If you have a problem with being labeled as Type A and think there is a better way to describe it, you are probably Clean-Cut.
Alternative (Alt)
You have objectively good style and taste, exhibited perhaps by the having of "cool tattoos," though this is not required. You pursue some form of art as your main source of income. Your friends may look to you for interior design, wardrobe, or restaurant advice. These artistic strengths may give way to self-importance, pretentiousness, or superiority (come on, all of these pillars have negatives so just sit back and accept it as you sip from your handmade speckled ceramic mug). Not everyone will approve of your lifestyle choices, but they can't deny that you are successful in your lane.
Risky
You are impulsive and often lucky. You enjoy extreme activities that fulfill your desire to face challenge and even danger, including but not limited to rock climbing, skiing, gambling, traveling abroad, performing live, etc. You may be more prone to overindulgence or addictive behaviors, with the possibility of leaning towards the "all or nothing" mentality. You are outgoing; a master of making new friends, but not so much at deciding which are the right ones to keep. Someone with the Risky pillar is likely to do things like park in the red and hope they don't get a ticket, move to a new city with no job and figure it out as they go, or answer their ex's 2am texts.
Grunge
You do things your own way on your own time, only putting on pants when it is absolutely necessary. This pillar doesn't exactly represent lack of cleanliness or hygiene, but it doesn't not. You just don't adhere to every etiquette guideline out there, and your little quirks and faux pas amuse your closest people. There is an overarching vibe of low-maintenance, rebellion, and zero-fucks that rules your decision making. You are skilled at eating anywhere (your car, in bed, during Zoom therapy, etc.) and bailing on parties that have been in your calendar for three months. You save your energy for the people and things that bring you the most joy, making you a very loyal friend to those worthy enough to get you up off your favorite little indent on the L-shaped couch. Those who are truly at peace in their Grungeness will claim this pillar confidently while others take a little more soul-searching to admit it.
Whimsy
You make others laugh. You lead with silliness and light-heartedness not only with your close circle, but in a room you just entered. This pillar is more than just having a good sense of humor and laughing at the right times; it is the ability to be funny and the intention to lighten the mood. You may be clumsy, lack a sense of style, or be considered "uncool" to others who take themselves more seriously. For example, an Alt person will turn their nose up at a Whimsy person's tattoo more times than not. (As a rule of thumb, Whimsy people should avoid getting tattoos before the age of 32 unless they want a pizza slice or cartoon ghost on their forearm forever… which they probably do, so I guess go for it.) You may find yourself in sticky or awkward situations, but you can almost always charm your way out of them.
The best way to figure out which combination you are is to discuss these pillars with your closest friends at your next dinner p...

Top Ten Top Ten Numbers of 2024

Sun, 29 Dec 2024 00:48:21 +0000

10. 2
9. 6
8. 1
7. 3
6. 10
5. 8
4. 9
3. 5
2. 7
1. 4

Subscribe to "The Gospel According to Matthew" Substack

Sat, 28 Dec 2024 03:56:25 +0000

Like Noah building the Ark, I've been whittling away on a side project. I'm now thrilled to be able to share it. Following in the footsteps of my friends Mark, Luke, and John - I'm launching a Substack!
To coincide with his birthday, my newsletter unpacks the story of Jesus. Some say he's a myth, several denounce him as a misfit, others declare he's the messiah, and more still ask "But what exactly is myrrh?"
My ideal reader is you! Like the universalists, there will be something for everyone. Join me on a pilgrimage in verse and parables. To pique your interest, you can look forward to a virgin birth in a feeding trough, fish 'n' chips for thousands, and a torturous death upon an instrument of agony that might look kind of cool on a necklace. I don't want to give too much away, but if you stay until the end I'll treat you to an out-of-this-world plot twist.
I know we all get too much spam (my house is still filled with the recent political campaign scrolls from Pontius Pilate). So I'll post roughly every two weeks - just enough to get us through my planned 28 posts before it's Jesus' birthday again and this time for you to ask "But what exactly is frankincense?"
Before you go there, I guarantee that 1 in 5 newsletters will include a unique story not in the other synoptic Substacks. And I also promise not to give you any writing advice. Substack is already filled with too much of the same - newsletters on how to get a scroll published, posts on how to stone chisel a story while holding down a shepherding day job, and notes on how writing can keep you sane while under Roman rule.
"The Gospel According to Matthew" isn't the most original title. But after years of research, drafting, peer review, re-drafting, writer's block, putting it on the backlog, re-inspiration after reading that even Moses struggled when he wrote the Pentateuch, line edits, beta readers, a writing retreat, wondering if I should chuck it into the Sea of Galilee and start over, more re-drafting, the Holy Spirit's final edits, and then building up the courage to hit "publish," I realized I didn't need something punny. If this title format has drawn fishing net loads of subscribers for the other gospel writers, then it doesn't need to be called "The Good Newsletter."
I'm just a simple publican from Galilee, but I hope this newsletter resonates with some of you. Who knows, maybe it will stand the test of time, and years from now still be read and argued about.
"The Gospel According to Matthew" will be free, and always free. Whoever has ears, let him hear: there will be no paid subscriptions, no founding members, no buying me off for thirty pieces of silver. Of course, I won't say no to a good Samaritan who throws me a few denarii, but every post will always be accessible whether you're a disciple or a Pharisee.
I've just launched the debut post. You won't be able to put it down if your thing is genealogical tongue twisters. Just try reading some of these doozies out loud: Amminadab, Jehoshaphat, Shealtiel, Jeconiah, and Zerubbabel. Don't stress, they're minor characters you'll never hear about again.
Look forward to my next post dedicated to Jesus' birth. Much like any family celebration, it involves travelers coming from afar and bestowing extravagant and age-inappropriate gifts on the youngest family member. And you'll be able to say, "One out of three isn't bad, I know exactly what gold is!"
If you've read this far - thank you. I hope you'll hit subscribe with the enthusiasm of a wise man chasing down a star - but more on that next week.
God bless,
Matthew

Classic Album Titles Revised by a Guy Who Just Loves Music So Darn Much!

Fri, 27 Dec 2024 22:15:54 +0000

AC/DC: Back in "the" Black Because This Album Sold So Many Copies, Great Job, Mates!
Pink Floyd: The Dark Side of the Moon Must Be the Only Place Where They Didn't Get to Hear This Record Fall in Love With It!
Michael Jackson: Bad? I Think You Mean Good, Mr. Jackson
Fleetwood Mac: The Rumours Are True: This is a Terrific Album!
Meat Loaf: Bat Out of Heaven, Actually
Creedence Clearwater Revival: Cosmo's HIT Factory
Eagles: Hotel California is a Place I'd Like to Check Into if The Music They Play There Sounds Like This
Led Zeppelin: IV the Win!
Radiohead: Really, Really Great Computer
Adele: 21…Stars (out of 4)
Bruce Springsteen: Born in the USA, Which is Where I Live and I'm So Proud to Be an American Specifically Because of This Album
Nirvana: Don't You Dare Say Nevermind, You Boys Keep Doing What You're Doing, You Sound Great!
Kendrick Lamar: good kid, f.a.n.t.a.s.t.i.c. city
The Clash: London Calling? I Accept the Charges!
The Strokes: This IS It
Michael Jackson: Thriller!

Signs That Your Parents Are Trying To Kill You

Fri, 27 Dec 2024 20:26:53 +0000

You discover your dad practicing your eulogy.
Your father's hiding place for his guns is the backpack you wear to school every day.
Your math tutor is part of a work-release program.
The only parental blocks on your computer are suicide prevention websites.
Rather than the Cub Scouts, your parents have you join the Crips.
Although they won't allow you to have a dog of your own, they do encourage you to stay out late and play with packs of strays.
They get you a summer job as a drug mule.
Your mom still cuts your hair, working on yet another voodoo doll.

CARTOON: White Collar Crime

Wed, 25 Dec 2024 08:43:07 +0000

Hey Kleenex! I'm a Jewish Man, and I Love Your Christmas-Themed Tissue Boxes

Tue, 24 Dec 2024 19:22:01 +0000

'Tis the season, and Mazel Tov, Kleenex, for converting me over to your festive Christmas-themed boxes of two-ply, anti-viral goodness. I never knew what my nostrils were missing until I blew them into the tissue born from a box with ornate nutcrackers on it.
You didn't ask for my opinion in the pre-marketing discussions, but that's okay. I'm way too old to stick my runny nose up at a box of tissues simply because the design doesn't align with my religious views. In fact, I believe the decorative Christmas-themed box of snot rags is about as lit as a menorah on the eighth day of Hanukkah.
Would I have preferred a box of Hanukkah-themed tissues instead? Probably. There is certainly a market for them. There are about as many cold viruses circulating out there as there are annoying Jewish nose jokes, so it would make sense to have our own holiday representation. But we are far from an era of tissue-themed equality in this country, so I'm not going to let my disappointment prevent me from getting into the holiday spirit - even if it isn't technically my holiday.
Are the boxes overtly Christmas themed? Not really, but the one with the cringe-looking Santa doesn't really give a "Happy Holidays" vibe, does it?
My personal favorite is the one with the non-binary gingerbread people on it. One of them wears a hat and nothing else while another has only a frosting belt that holds up non-existent pants. Fabulous! We simply don't have that level of holiday creativity over here.
Between you and me, though, I think my kids might be disappointed in me. I put them through a lot of Hebrew School and Jewish guilt just to proudly display these decidedly not Hanukkah boxes in the two-and-a-half bathrooms of our undecorated home in a relatively middle class neighborhood. They'll get over it, with a little gelt and some time.
Merry Christmas, and thanks for allowing all of us a festive outlet for our nose blowing activities this holiday season.

Why Virgin Mary Is Opting For a Natural Barn Birth

Sun, 22 Dec 2024 22:15:45 +0000

Lately, a lot of the other moms in Bethlehem have been giving me grief for my birth plan: natural, no doctors, and in a shack surrounded by barnyard animals. Yeah, I'm a crunchy virgin mom. You got a problem with it? I wear sandals and it's not because I live in the desert. It's dinnertime? Yeah, I'm making it from scratch-not because that's the only option in 0.5 BC, but because I only eat whole, blessed foods and actually care about what's going into my temple. I make my clothes and wash them in the river not because I only own and can only afford one garment but because it's the sustainable option. At the end of the day, I'm doing what's right for me and my little savior of the world.
Everyone is saying "Virgin, why won't just let trained doctors who have spent years delivering babies handle this?" I don't know any "doctors," and those who claim to "heal" are just a bunch of witches. You people would believe anything some guy tells you or read from some old book, let's be honest. What good do these "doctors" do anyway? My girlfriend Huldah told me at wine night that her doctor prescribed her pounded maidenhair fern when she had the runs after eating Ole Taco Bell! All these doctors want is your shekels and stones so they can waste it on things like "bread" and "medicine." Regardless, it seems like no one around here lives past 33, so can they even finish their residency? I question how much experience these witch doctors have delivering the son of God. Besides, Jesus is my health insurance, so I'm covered.
A lot of thought and consideration went into my decision. But when Joseph, God, and I all sat down to talk about my birth plan, an unsanitary barn was a no-brainer. Like, am I comfortable there? I can be. Women have given birth in barns for thousands of years and have often died in childbirth. And why be bogged down with an insane two-shekel hospital bill when I can give birth for free? Listen, I'm the wife of a dirt-poor carpenter. I may be the mother of God, but I don't want to starve!
And where do these choices stem from? From the fact that women are tough. If I can be publicly stoned for showing ankle on Wednesday and branded with the word "whore" on Friday, then surely I can survive an unmedicated birth this holiday season-what? Not everyone's a Christian! But the fact of the matter is, ladies, do you want to be a stonemason? Go do it! Dream of fighting in a holy war? I say why not! Is your deepest desire to lead a virgin sacrifice? Yas, queen! Women can do anything that men can do.
I plan on being very, very choosy about what comes into contact with my newborn once he's here with us earthside. What's on my baby registry? All organic gold. All organic frankincense. And you got it, all organic myrrh. I'll also be taking Jesus's schooling into my own hands. I'd rather provide my own enrichment and education for Him. I mean, I am 15 now! I know everything I'll ever know at my experienced age. I will also refuse to soothe him by putting Miss Rachel, wife of Jacob on my iPapyrus. No papyrus or scroll time for my baby, only sensory play with rocks and sticks for little JeJe. Stare all you want, Ruth, but I don't care what you think. Have fun trying to reverse the effects of your baby doom scrolling on your iPapyrus when little Josiah gets to his terrible twos!
So say what you want to say about me and my baby savior. But a natural barn birth is as natural as a Virgin giving birth to the Messiah. Haters going to hate, sinners going to sin. But I promise the moment it happens, will be the most beautiful, manure-smelling, painful thing I've ever experienced and you'll be sorry you doubted me.

Roasting On An Open Fire: Andrew "Ice" Sleigh Roasts Santa

Sun, 22 Dec 2024 21:34:24 +0000

Hey, glad to see everyone! How's everybody doing tonight? I see Frosty was able to get out of rehab in order to be here. Could somebody check, I guarantee you that he's at least fifty percent frozen alcohol right now. A walking, talking pina colada - Please Frosty, just let the hat fall off and leave it at that. Jesus.
And Rudolph, you red nosed bastard! I guess we're not supposed to mention that your nose is a different color than the rest of us though, eh? Sorry about that. Old habits, I guess. Still, you should probably have an oncologist check that out.
Okay, here we go… the big man himself. Christ, Santa… between being a "fat, jolly elf" and eating millions of cookies every Christmas Eve night, I'm guessing that Ozempic is the centerpiece of your own personal Christmas wish list. That "bowl full of jelly" of yours is getting big enough for a couple of strippers to wrestle around in.
And I've always wondered: how exactly do you determine whether someone is naughty or nice? If they're only able to stick half a dozen objects into their anus on their OnlyFans page, is that the cut off?
Seriously though, I kid Santa, but he's the best, right? Just don't ask where he gets most of the "free" merchandise that he deliverers. If you take a real close look, the serial numbers have been scratched off of that PlayStation 5. My advice is: don't ask too many questions.
Alright, have a Merry Christmas folks! Remember that eggnog doesn't taste as good coming up as it did going down, and don't forget to tip Mrs. Claus, she's really been busting her hump for you guys this evening.

As Emerald City Officials, We Assure You the Winged Monkeys are Nothing to Worry About

Sun, 22 Dec 2024 20:21:14 +0000

"As pressure mounts on federal officials to address ongoing concerns about possible drone sightings, East Coast residents, especially in New Jersey, remain on edge, with similar reports now emerging in Ohio, including a temporary airspace closure over a vital military base." - CNN, December 16, 2024
Listen, up residents of Oz. Please calm down about those monkeys flying over your house in the middle of the night. Even though we have no intelligence and are pretty much ignoring the issue ourselves, we can promise you they are not being sent by Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West.
The Great and the Powerful Wizard is almost entirely sure about this.
Yes, Winged Monkeys are smart and are capable of flying a long distance from Winkie Country while under the spell of an evil green being. But that's probably not those winged creatures. We beg you- don't overreact. Instead focus on actual threats like lions and tigers and bears. Right now, there is simply no evidence these mysterious levitating primates pose any security issues, but last night for a totally unrelated reason, we were forced to close the Yellow Brick Road.
We are tired of all these conspiracy theories. Remember last year when Gillikin Country was blanketed in a glowing mystery haze and we told you it was nothing? Sure it turned out to be a deadly tornado originating from Kansas, but it was most certainly not Elphaba trying to get hold of those ruby slippers by blowing weed into your lungs. Or that time when the green liquid was found flowing out of Lake Quad? It was just some raw poison poppy contaminating the crops. Not the witch urinating on Oz.
There's no question that there are monkeys flying around. We do agree that some of these sightings are, in fact, Winged Monkeys. But most are probably regular monkeys wearing fairy wings they picked up in the Eastern Castle gift shop.
True, their beady, searching eyes have been lighting up the sky over the Royal Palace like they are under a spell from a hostile foreign witch. And their loud squeaking sounds over the forest sure resemble a familiar "I'll get you my pretty," but that doesn't mean you should fear them. Most of the time, they haven't even been picked up by our ultra sophisticated Pterocebus pegasus detection systems.
Many of you, including Glinda, are demanding to know what spells we are casting to uncover who is behind these monkeys. I want to assure everyone that we are on top of it by not even whispering "abracadabra." Also, in the meantime, while we are doing everything by doing nothing, Munchkins should not take matters into their own tiny hands. Don't have the Lullaby League attempt to sing them out of the sky. Don't encourage the Lollipop Guild to shoot them down with candy. Because you know what's much worse than flying monkeys? Flying monkey guts.
We swear on the Wizard's scholarly mustache, they pose no more threat than a lion without courage. But if it makes you feel better, why don't you close your eyes to block them out and say "there's no place like home" a few times.
As you ignore the sharp claws right outside your bedroom window.

A Christmas Carol... If It Had Gone Horribly Wrong Within The First Few Minutes

Sat, 21 Dec 2024 00:37:05 +0000

Marley was dead to begin with. Remember that, because it's important later in the story. He had gained a well-deserved reputation as the most ruthless and predatory moneylender in all of London, and foreclosing on widows was a particular specialty of his. He regretted that he could not foreclose on orphans as well, since they owned no property, so he settled for kicking them surreptitiously whenever he got the chance. My point is, he was a real son of a bitch.
And so, when Jacob Elizabeth Marley died of syphilis on Christmas Eve 1836, his only mourner was his equally unscrupulous and mean-spirited business partner, Ebeneezer Scrooge. If anything, Scrooge was even more of a skidmark than Marley, and Scrooge was weirdly proud of the misery and suffering that they had created together. He vowed to continue their work. Even after Marley's death, the office they shared near the London Stock Exchange still bore a sign over the door that read Scrooge & Marley.
"It's a branding thing," Scrooge would tell people who asked. Few did.
In the ensuing seven years, Ebeneezer Scrooge became even meaner and greedier than ever, foreclosing on widows at a furious pace and somehow making that a profitable business for himself. On a good day, he could foreclose on seven or eight widows, kick a dozen orphans, and still have time to berate and humiliate his poverty-stricken clerk, Bob Cratchit, who was financially dependent on the terrible job Scrooge had given him. He had a sick kid at home or something. Once, just for fun, Scrooge made Cratchit eat an entire lump of coal.
Christmas Eve 1843 was a fairly good day for Scrooge, at least by his twisted standards. He'd only gotten to foreclose on three widows and hadn't kicked a single orphan, but he did get to reject a dinner invitation from his nephew Fred in a particularly brutal way and he made absolute mincemeat out of two charity chumps who foolishly came into the office, scrounging for donations. Needless to say, no donations were made that afternoon. The only low point was when Scrooge realized he had to give Bob Cratchit the next day off because it was Christmas or some other hippie bullshit like that. And so, to cheer himself up, Scrooge threw lumps of coal at Cratchit's head all day. One left quite a mark.
After work, Scrooge had his customary supper of gruel and lamb fat at a nearby restaurant. It was the cheapest thing on the menu, and even this he got for free because he claimed he found a Band-Aid in his gruel. He always kept some old Band-Aids in his vest pocket for just such an occasion, and it worked about 60% of the time. Thus, with his wallet full of money and his belly full of gruel, Scrooge went home to spend Christmas Eve by himself, the only company he could ever tolerate for long. Fun fact: he lived in Jacob Marley's old chambers, which is a totally real thing from the original story that people usually overlook.
Arriving home, Scrooge was briefly disconcerted when he thought he saw the face of Jacob Marley materialize on the front door knocker. But he chalked it up to slight indigestion, plus the peyote he'd done earlier in the day, and went inside. He climbed the rickety stairs and changed into those hilarious old-timey pajamas people wore in the 1800s. You know the ones that are basically a dress and a pointy Smurf hat? That's what he was wearing as he crawled into bed and began to think about what he'd do the next day. There'd be no widows to foreclose on, of course, but he could throw lumps of coal out his bedroom window and hit passersby, including a few orphans, the good Lord willing. A couple were bound to hobble by at some point in the day.
But it was not to be! Ebeneezer Scrooge had only been asleep for a few minutes when something truly strange and terrifying happened. The late Jacob Marley, seven years in his grave, materialized as a translucent ghost in Scrooge's bed chamber. A particularly gruesome ghost he was, too - withered and desiccated, with an eerie blui...

Escaping Flavortown with Guy Fieri

Thu, 19 Dec 2024 00:03:07 +0000

You wake up in a pile of giant calamari, and the hot oil stings your skin. The gargantuan halos are looped around your arms and legs, pulling you down. They're fresh out of the fryer and hot, hot, hot! How did you get here? You don't know. You remember nothing. You just know you're burning to death in an oversized appetizer of crispy, crispy rings. It does smell good, though-perhaps a hint of lemon.
Suddenly, a hand reaches out to you. There's a clunky ring on the pinky and a Rolex on the wrist. You grasp at the hand, and it pulls you from delicious death. Your savior is Guy Fieri. You recognize his frosted hair and polarized sunglasses from the Food Network. You love the Food Network. Part of his black goat-tee is bleached Cheeto-orange, and he's wearing a loose, black button up with race car flames up the flanks.
"Welcome to Flavortown," he says, except it's more of a yell. Then, more quietly, conspiratorially, "Please. Get me out of here." He waves his hand around, and you see what he means. You're trapped in some kind of food-theme fantasy land, Fieri-style. Mötley Crüe blasts in the background, but you're not sure where it's coming from. Boulder-sized tater tots dot the landscape, and a river of melted cheese oozes into the distance. At your feet, a path of pizzas line the way to a sugar-dusted castle. It's all very colorful, but not particularly nice, a deep-fried Land of Oz. It starts to rain, and of course it's hot sauce. Frank's. Thankfully, it's just a sprinkle.
"How do we get out?" You ask, and Guy says you have to cross through Flavortown to the Cannoli Castle, surviving Mount Mash, the Burger Bogs, and other alliterative, Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives-themed landmarks. Once you get to the castle, you'll be OUT OF THIS WORLD, like his grandmother's tiramisu (recipe available on FoodNetwork.com).
The hot sauce is coming down thick now, stinging your eyes and painting the landscape kool aid-red. Somehow, Guy seems impervious to the weather, his golden hair like a halo, shielding him from the worldly woes of pepper-tinted vinegar. The untouchable, Mayor-God of Flavortown.
"You think this is bad?" He says, "Wait for nacho cheese season."
So you and Guy hop in his red Camaro convertible and blast down the road of pizzas-pepperonis and olives slapping you in the face. It only takes 22 minutes to arrive at the castle, yet the two of you barely survive. Guy falls into the cheese river twice, and you have to save him with a kayak-sized tortilla chip. Then there's the soft serve avalanche; eating through that is a real headache. The hot sauce torrent grows to a full monsoon, forcing you to take cover in the mayonnaise bogs, and as you know, nothing gets the smell of mayo out. Nothing.
Finally, you get to the castle, enveloped in an ethereal mist. The fortress' final defense. You and Guy trample blindly through the fog, which smells like mesquite-smoked, baby back ribs. Extra saucy. At first, it's pleasant, but then the intoxicating scent grasps hold of your mind. All you can think about is barbecue-brisket, pulled pork, even a hearty chili. In a haze, you realize you will wait until the end of the world, in the longest line in Austin, if it means first pick of fatty or lean. You become obsessed, demand to meet the invisible pit master, howl for burnt ends, and scream incoherently about dry rubs. You're ready to sling slurs in a Reddit post, listing seven different kinds of pepper, when you feel Guy shaking you. The miasma has lifted, and the hallucination disperses. Thank god. You were almost lost in the sauce. Or smoke, rather.
There, behind Guy, is the entrance to Cannoli Castle. You made it.
Inside, a cloaked figure is waiting for you, his head obscured by a heavy hood.
"We've won!" Guys yells, and the two of you fist bump. You smell like a food court, but you've survived. Then the cloak figured approaches. Could this be it? Could you and Guy finally escape this hellscape? This extra crispy fever dream? Suddenly, you no...

Christmas Songs For Spinsters

Mon, 16 Dec 2024 00:13:04 +0000

Single Bells
All I Want For Christmas is Youth
We Wish You a Married Christmas
Rockin' Around the Cat Tree
Little Humming Toy
Have Yourself a Barren Little Christmas
Bestie The Gay Man
Wonderful Christmas Wine
O Horny Night
You're a Mean One, Mr. Hinge
Sad Old Broad is Coming to Town
I Want a Hypnotherapist For Christmas
Please, Lady (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)
Hark! The Hairy Kneecaps Creak
I'm Beginning to Knit A Lot For Christmas
Go Tell it on Wellbutrin
I Saw Auntie Googling Menopause
Happy Ex-mas (Love is Over)
I'll Be Alone For Christmas

Lesser Known Facts About House Speaker Mike Johnson

Fri, 13 Dec 2024 21:25:24 +0000

In addition to the app he and his son use to keep from masturbating, he also has an app that lets him know how many orgasms his wife would have had if he weren't such a milquetoast lover.
Truly believes that God sent Donald Trump to lead America, and yet still chooses to be a Christian anyway.
Is such a soulless, unfeeling, corrupt husk without a hint of basic human decency and compassion that he could easily seek out a career as a healthcare insurance CEO.
Tries like the dickens to keep his thoughts pure and devine, but nevertheless can't seem to shake his recurring dreams of the Lucky Charms cereal mascot leprechaun eating his ass to completion.
Has spent a fortune on the lessons and mental training to keep his face looking so punchable.
Goes to church worship service each and every Sunday, mostly to loiter a bit following the service in order to catch a quick whiff of where the altar boys were sitting.

It's Time to Get Hard

Fri, 13 Dec 2024 00:40:56 +0000

If soft=bad and women=soft, then women=bad
Some people think the meaning of life is about love and family, and to each of them I say: fuck you, you weak ass bitch. You wanna stop and smell the flowers? I say grow up, pansy. The meaning of life is about weapons manufacturing, creating value for shareholders, and shooting defenseless near-extinct animals I tracked with cutting edge technology and a team of 25 guides on the plains. Soft=bad. OKAY???
I used to be like those softies: big tits, round ass, a habit of purchasing jars of slime with names like "baby axolotl cloud dough" and "bunny snow cone" to squelch and pop in my hands during Zoom meetings with my camera and microphone strategically muted. Now I'm harder than an 85-year-old financier's dick after swallowing a bottle of Cialis, dying from a heart attack and developing rigor mortis. I got a double-mastectomy to install breast-shaped machine guns on my chest like a fembot. Why? Because I overheard a boomer complaining about how soft my generation is and I realized my decision to relax and enjoy my life was DESTROYING THE FABRIC OF AMERICAN SOCIETY! AAAAHHHHHH!
At the same time that I was doing dumb shit like "going outside for a breath of fresh air," "baking cookies for a small treat," and "knitting a sweater to give as a gift," three-year-olds in foreign countries were memorizing advanced calculus problems and evolving past the need for both parental love and novelty. Instead of taking naps in cozy cribs, they were learning to get by on only four hours of sleep per day in a cold, steel chamber, so that they could be better posed to spread communist shit like universal healthcare around the world, while also surpassing us in manufacturing capabilities. WE HAVE TO STOP THESE FOREIGN BABIES!!!
What kind of red-blooded American would I be if I let them take over? When I learned about those babies, I knew it was time to drink a six-pack and instigate regime change in a foreign nation on the cusp of democratizing. First, I sat down to write an apology letter to my hard AF elders, but then I remembered writing is for the weak. When I want to get a message to someone, I stand up in my open-plan office and shout it at the top of my lungs, to better promote knowledge sharing and collaboration.
"I'M DONE WITH THIS SOFT FUCKING BULLSHIT," I screamed at my colleagues. I ripped off my shirt to put some war paint on my machine gun tits. One of my colleagues said, "I'm calling HR," and I said, "That's the softest shit you could ever do. When I was a child, we didn't have HR. WE HARASSED PEOPLE AND THEY LIKED IT."
"We're the same age," my colleague said, so I shoved her out of my way. Communicating with words = soft = bad.
Then I went to go play football without a helmet, cause I'm hard as fuck, not a weak bitch with a soft cranium like I used to be. I hate pussy so much, I got a sex change to become a man. Unfortunately, I realized that this kind of thing is frowned upon by some of the tough guy community so I quickly changed back. I paid for both of these procedures with cash cause I'm a capitalist, bitch.
I needed to find one of these wise gurus who is a leader in anti-softness like Bill Maher so I could tell him in person (the best way) about what I learned on this journey (so much). But when I broke into his studio, he just called for security, which kind of surprised me. I thought from his complaining about the woke youth that he wanted to collaborate mano a (wo)mano with hardos like me.
I said, "wait, no, give me an excel spreadsheet or a weapon I'm ready to GET HARD." And one of his associates (someone I went to high school with) said, "I wouldn't do that. She writes poems and needs a calculator to do basic addition."
When his associate said that, I was reminded of another man with great ideas: Lawrence Summers. While he was the president of Harvard, Mr. Summers said women may be confronting "issues of intrinsic aptitude" when trying to do hard stuff. While I can't speak for...

House Resolution: Renaming Donald Trump's "Transition" Team to Reflect That He Is Biologically President

Wed, 11 Dec 2024 23:49:22 +0000

House Resolution: Renaming Donald Trump's "Transition" Team to Reflect That He Is
Biologically President
H.R. 47
119th CONGRESS
1st Session
Mr. Michael Johnson, the Speaker of THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, submitted the following:
Resolved, by the House of Representatives of the United States, assembled to prohibit individuals from using the name "Transition" Team or any variations of that name that suggest the president is involved in a transition.
Whereas the "Transition" Team shall be renamed to align with Donald Trump's congenital status as commander-in-chief, reflecting the reality that there are just two conditions: president and non-president.
DEFINITIONS:
TRANSITION: The term "Transition" refers to the egregious partisan notion that a known entity can transform into something slightly different - an ideology that leads to frightening consequences that include (but are not limited to) federally unregulated genitalia and the implication that Donald Trump has not been president continuously since his birth in 1946.
TEAM: The term "Team" refers to a group of individuals working toward a common goal, and it may be restored for use in future endeavors, contingent on the passage of H.R. 45 resolving to put an "I" in "Team" (whereas the word shall now be spelled, "Teim").
BIOLOGICALLY PRESIDENT: The term "Biologically President" (or "Biological President") refers to God's determination as to whether someone is really president.
1. A "Biological President" is naturally "male," meaning an individual who has, had, or would have, but for a historical polo accident, the reproductive system that at some point produces, transports, and ejects sperm for exclusively male purposes, such as fertilization or so-called "sexual assault," which is defined as the legal and victim-less playboy antics of a rogue, rake, or rapscallion.
2. An individual who is "Biologically President" possesses the inherited characteristics to assume control of multiple homes decorated with at least $7 million in gold leaf, so that wherever he resides, courtiers surround him, seeking favor and paying feudal dues.
3. "Biological President" refers to an individual prohibited from combat operations because, as the celestial authority over a country and a people, his presence poses an unsafe distraction. He maintains the right to bestow knighthoods upon his children and to share his plunder with courtiers known by the title Baron.
4. The term "Biological President" refers to an individual who has no experience with losing elections, and thus, shall be considered sovereign retroactively and in perpetuity. Moreover, because a Biological President is constitutionally ill-suited to losing, he is banned from participating in amateur sports.
5. A "Biological President" is an individual who it is a Class E felony to impersonate in the presence of minors. A public school or library performer who is not the "Biological President" is strictly prohibited from exhibiting hairspray, extra-long neckties, bronzer or other physical markers of presidential cabaret entertainment.
6. The one true "Biological President" is an individual who shares the bathroom only with troves of classified national documents.
BE IT ENACTED BY THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES THAT:
The body formerly known as the "Transition Teim," shall continue in its role supporting the immaculate ascension of the presidency under the new name, "Keep Inaugurations Nationalist and Great" (K.I.N.G.) and its members shall serve at the Biological President's pleasure.
EXCEPTIONS:
None. Until and unless the Donald Trump decides otherwise, the Biological President and K.I.N.G. function as one and the same.

How the Grinch Robbed Nakotomi Plaza

Tue, 10 Dec 2024 21:47:15 +0000

Every Who down in Who-ville liked Christmas a lot.
But the Grinch, who used to work for Nakotomi Corporation, DID NOT!
The Grinch hated Nakotomi!
And their stupid headquarters
Now, please don't ask why.
There's a NDA involved, company orders.
"They're handing out bonuses at their holiday bash,"
the Grinch lamented and grumbled and whined.
And he thought of their safe filled with securities and cash.
"I must find a way to make it all mine!"
So the Grinch got a van.
And a crew of henchmen (by money enticed)
to take over Nakotomi Plaza
and pull off a great heist!
He captured the penthouse,
in two shakes of a yertal's back tail.
And held the cops and the feds at bay
and watched them all squeal
and rant
and flail.
"The plan's going perfect," the Grinch snarled with a sneer!
Then over the walkie-talkie came a sound,
It started out low,
then it started to grow,
A grumpy-sounding hacker,
who didn't belong!
And it said, and I quote,
"Yippee-ki-yay, nutcracker!"
It was Cindy-Lou Who, who worked in HR.
She wasn't going let some Grinch spoil her holiday cheer!
So she climbed through the vents,
Both near and quite far,
Then, one by one,
made the gang members disappear.
She blew up a couple and dropped a few down a shaft.
When she got to the Grinch he nervously laughed.
The battle was fierce and cutthroat, 'tis said
But in the end, the Grinch was hanging out on a ledge
While Cindy-Lou Who held him up by a thread.
And what happened next?
Well, in Who-ville they say
Cindi-Lou simply let go
and the Grinch
dropped
30 stories
that day!
The holiday saved, the troops no longer deployed.
With Nakotomi rescued from that furry green killjoy.
The people were merry as a cat in a hat!
And the Grinch,
the Grinch himself…landed with a great big splat.

I've Decided to Replace the Guinea Pig With a Larger, Slightly More Calculated Guinea Pig

Sat, 07 Dec 2024 03:21:27 +0000

"President-elect Donald Trump is considering selecting Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis as his pick for defense secretary to replace embattled Fox News host Pete Hegseth, three sources familiar with the transition told CBS News on Tuesday night." -CBS News, 12/4/24
I didn't want this to happen. When I went to Petco and looked for the best guinea pig to defend all the other guinea pigs, I felt confident that I was walking away with the right one. But recently, some disturbing accusations have come to light. In the wake of these alleged scandals, I may be forced to do the unthinkable: Replace this guinea pig with a slightly larger, more calculated guinea pig. From a different Petco, of course.
I picked the first guinea pig because I liked how fast and blindly he ran on the wheel when I asked him to. He just kept going, even when I said he could have a break for some water. I'll be honest, I was impressed. He asked permission before eating his food pellets, even though I hadn't paid the acne-riddled teenage Petco worker the sweaty $20 yet. When I took him out of the cage to hold him, he immediately curled up and went to sleep in my arms.
Plus, he's always been a true defender of guinea pig liberty. Unless I say he shouldn't be. Then of course, he would probably curl up at my feet. Otherwise I'd put him in the microwave. Haha, I'm kidding of course! I would never do that. But don't test me.
So it pained me when reports from other guinea pigs began to come forward saying that this guinea pig had some issues. Had I known about all this before I went to Petco, I probably still would have picked this guinea pig, but now that everyone knows that I know that I didn't know, I'm starting to think I should find a different guinea pig.
And since this guinea pig is going to be in charge of defending all the other guinea pigs, I'm starting to think I should pick a slightly bigger, more calculated guinea pig. You know, a guinea pig who plans out when he's going to knock over the water bowl, take away food from the other guinea pigs, and hog the wheel all day. Plus, this slightly bigger guinea pig's own mother guinea pig didn't send an email telling the guinea pig that he needed to get his act together.
I need a guinea pig who does what I tell him to do, but also a guinea pig who knows why he's doing the things I'm telling him to do. I need a guinea pig who thinks for himself, but not too much. Me and this slightly bigger guinea pig have had our differences in the past. For instance, we were in a wheel spinning race against each other once. He tried to trip me, I bit him. You get the idea. But then he totally spun out of control, fell off the wheel, and just couldn't get back on.
That's kind of why I'm picking him over an even bigger, even more calculated guinea pig. He can think a little more clearly, but he also knows I beat him once, and I'd do it again. But these days, I prefer to make other guinea pigs do my bidding for me and just sit back and watch. I've eaten a lot more food pellets recently, so I don't know how I'd do in a wheel race anymore.
But it never gets old watching those little bastards scamper towards a prize they'll never reach, now does it?

New Holiday Travel Road Games

Sat, 07 Dec 2024 02:54:01 +0000

Trump In The Road
Can you guess what part of the country that you're currently driving through just by checking out the number of insanely racist bumper stickers and yard flags that you spot? You'll be doing it anyway, so why not make a game of it?
Road V Wade
Okay , so having to drive to another state in order to get female healthcare isn't technically a holiday road trip, but maybe count the number of hay bales you see during the ride or something?
Nahtzee
How many hate crimes and / or acts of violence by MAGA nuts have been committed in the state you've currently driving through ? Check online , don't stop to ask the locals. Keep driving, for the love of Christ, KEEP DRIVING!!!!
Mad Libtards
While stopping for dinner at a Cracker Barrel in the middle of nowhere (there was literally no other place within 50 miles, sue me), how many times and in different ways do the locals use the word "libtard" to describe basic acts of human decency? Too many to count, get the fuck out of there!!
Hangman
If touring our nation's capital, be the first to track down all of the places that Mike Pence may have had to hide from a group of deranged MAGA rioters. It's fun, and terrifying!

Rejected Sequels To "The Nightmare Before Christmas"

Wed, 04 Dec 2024 19:57:15 +0000

The Fireworks on Labor Day
The Leprechaun At Easter
The Yule Log on Valentine's Day
The Tree Planting During Yom Kippur
The Ball Drop on Martin Luther King Day
The Cupid's Arrow on Cinco De Mayo
The Fasting Before Arbor Day
The Egg Hunt On My Birthday
The Piñata Of Victory Against Japan Day
The Lighting of a Menorah During Ramadan
A Circumcision On The Anniversary of My Parents' Divorce
The Whatever-You-Do-On-Juneteenth After Toyotathon

Letters From The Frontlines Of The War On Christmas

Wed, 04 Dec 2024 00:45:58 +0000

Wartime correspondences are an important factor in maintaining morale among troops. Soldiers would often relay their harrowing experiences to their loved ones as a way to process and rejuvenate their fighting spirit. The "Letters From The Frontlines" Project acts as a historical record of their traumatizing wartime experiences.
My Dearest Trudy,
They've done away with the Christmas greeting. First, it was the department stores, then came the chains. Walmart, Macy's, Ross Dress for Less. Yes, my love, even your beloved Ross Dress for Less has fallen. We're under siege and taking it from all sides. Oh, how wrong I was to believe the southern front would see less battle. The Secularists are attempting to take the schools next but we're not going to let that happen.
Over. Our. Dead. Bodies.
Merry Christmas,
Teddy
Dear Mom,
If you're reading this then you know I've dropped out of college to enlist in the war effort. I've heard stories from the other recruits of elementary schools banning the Christian image of a Christmas tree. Acceptance of all religions is an erasure of the teachings of Jesus and a spit in the face to all Christians.
Anyway, I'm being shipped off soon and just wanted to say Merry Christmas.
Love,
Tommy
Sweetheart,
Went to a Target tonight. I was horrified to learn the nutcrackers have turned gay. Why must these Secularists sexualize everything? Put your nuts in its mouth like the rest of us and enjoy the birth of our Lord.
Merry Christmas,
Jim
Honey,
I hardly know how to begin without stirring you into a panic but I've witnessed horrors you could never imagine. I'm horrified to even write these words down. [BLACK CENSOR BAR BLACK CENSOR BAR BLACK CENSOR BAR BLACK CENSOR BAR BLACK CENSOR BAR BLACK CENSOR BAR BLACK CENSOR BAR BLACK CENSOR BAR BLACK CENSOR BAR BLACK CENSOR BAR BLACK CENSOR BAR BLACK CENSOR BAR BLACK CENSOR BAR BLACK CENSOR BAR black Santa Claus BLACK CENSOR BAR BLACK CENSOR BAR BLACK CENSOR BAR BLACK CENSOR BAR BLACK CENSOR BAR BLACK CENSOR BAR BLACK CENSOR BAR] These are hate crimes against Christians.
Please pray for me.
Yours forever,
Dougie
Jack,
The Secular forces are advancing. Starbucks' iconic Christmas cups have now replaced all of the iconic sacred Christmas symbols (Reindeer, Santa, Christmas lights etc.) with a blank red cup. I fear this war is already lost.
If you don't hear from me after tonight please let mom and dad know I did all I could to save the Starbucks cups.
Love you Bro,
David
Martha,
I've come bearing terrible news. We lost Larry "Skinny" Wilson today. The boys and I are taking it pretty hard. To think, one day you're throwing the pigskin with one of your best friends and the next day he's saying, "Happy Holidays" and raising his kids half-Jewish.
When will this hell end?
Love,
Peter
PS. Pay no attention to the news about the returning men with "thousand yard stares." I'll be strong for you when I get back, don't you worry.

The Unspoken Grief of Having to Listen to Your Mother-in-Law Complain About Not Being a Grandparent

Mon, 02 Dec 2024 01:23:40 +0000

"A growing number of Americans are choosing not to have children. Their parents are grappling with what that means for them." -New York Times
Recently, the New York Times published an article chronicling the "unspoken" grief of parents whose adult children have decided not to have kids of their own. The grief is so unspoken their parents took it to the New York Times. My mother-in-law's grief is so unspoken that she sent this article to me.
But what about my unspoken grief of having to listen to my mother-in-law complain about not being a grandparent? I don't hear the New York Times knocking on my barren front door for a quote.
I could speak about my grief, but then my mother-in-law would probably rescind her offer to help us put a downpayment on a house, and we really need that unless we want to rent until 2045. So, I have to tell myself to shove it when she goes up to random babies on the street and coos, "You're so precious. I can't believe my daughter-in-law hates you."
Her grief is extremely spoken for. On the other hand, I choose to keep my mouth shut and continue raiding her double fridge for cold cuts while she sits on the couch with a glass of $200 Chardonnay, lamenting on the short-comings of today's generation. Groceries these days are really expensive. It's between ham and having a child.
"They just don't know what's good for them," she says as she goes in for another glass of wine. She's only this relaxed because we're at her second house in Boca. If we were in New York, she'd be halfway to a stroke.
The article claims that one of the main reasons for people choosing not to have children in 2024 is that they just don't want to. This may be true for some, and is true for all according to my mother-in-law who is definitely right about everything all the time (including that wine is good for you if it's expensive enough). But both the article and my mother-in-law fail to acknowledge that these days, buying gum is a major financial decision.
We have a Bernedoodle named Pepper, but unfortunately my mother-in-law does not see him as one of her own. Once, I caught her trying to put Pepper in the crib she bought and put in her guest room the day of my and my spouse's wedding. The poor dog was traumatized. I should say that I only caught her doing this because the whole time she was loudly sobbing, "You're all I have, Pepper." That's not true. She also has a house in Boca and plenty of friends to belittle. She's doing just fine.
But the last was during Thanksgiving last year. We were doing some last minute shopping because my mother-in-law insisted that eight bags of cranberries simply wasn't enough for the five guests that were coming, even though none of us like cranberries. So, we went to get more cranberries. I got a little wrapped up in looking at the store's display of holiday sweaters for dogs, and when I looked up, my mother-in-law was gone. Vanished into thin air.
You'll never guess what happened next.
"Will a 4-year-old girl named Aubrey with dark brown hair, wearing a ready dress please come to the customer service desk?" An employee said over the intercom. Immediately, I knew it was my mother-in-law. "Your grandmother is looking for you."
Aubrey is my mother-in-law's name. She always talks about having a grandchild named after her, even though that's only something you do after a relative has passed away. But at that point, it was as though Aubrey had passed away, because I was fucking livid. We left the store without the cranberries.
We're considering another Bernedoodle.

Plaque Friday: A Comprehensive Guide To The Best Holiday Dental Bargains In Your Area

Fri, 29 Nov 2024 18:25:28 +0000

Dental Enthusiasts & Also Kenneth Inc
Half off full cleaning and whitening special, only mild groping and patient clothing removal for first time appointments.
Priddy And Sons Dental
2 crowns for the price of one, bonus X-ray rewards program benefits, only cursory groping and less than half a dozen unlawful photos taken by dentist and assistants.
Geo Sparkle Dental Hygiene Pavilion
Free tank of nitrous oxide for patients who sign NDA forms re unwanted sexual advances.
Gums Gums Gums
Complimentary gum buffing on your first visit, secondary gum glazing half priced with a one year membership in our Gum Club rewards program. If you catch us with a finger in your bottom, your procedure is half off!
Nothing More Than Fillings
Exotic fillings our specialty, many new varieties come with discounts and benefits. Due to recent changes in local area legislation, we can no longer use our smegma as filling material to satisfy our particular sexual kink; we will consider individual offers, however.
Teeth By Keith
Tastebud regenerative sessions half off for couples. We will protect your medical records, especially the close up pics of genitalia, with utmost respect and care.

Are You at a Turkey Trot 5K or Getting High On a Cousin Walk Before Thanksgiving Dinner?

Thu, 28 Nov 2024 18:48:23 +0000

1.
You know you're going to be starving once you're finished.
2.
You hope that blowing off steam can help you deal with Aunt Sheila's politics.
3.
Suddenly, you're sweating profusely and have dry mouth.
4.
You need a pep talk to go through with it.
5.
You see someone from your high school doing the exact same thing and try to avoid their gaze.
6.
You're starting to struggle to breathe and realize you might have overdone it.
7.
You have a bad trip halfway through.
8.
Cousin Roger Venmo requested $150 from you in order to participate.
9.
You know you'll have to put on Axe body spray to mask the intense smell afterwards.
10.
It helps you dodge questions about why you're single.
11.
People insist you can't get addicted to it.
12.
You have an urge to go to the ER because you think you're having a heart attack.
13.
You see grown adults dressed as turkeys, and you wonder if you're hallucinating.
14.
For a brief moment, you feel truly happy, like nothing else matters in the world. The highest of highs.
15.
There are decades-long efforts to ban them from your state.
Answer Key: 1-14: both; 15: Turkey Trot 5K

If You Were Raised by Gen X Parents, You May Be Entitled to Compensation

Wed, 27 Nov 2024 03:45:57 +0000

As a Gen Z young adult, you were recently sent a letter about an ongoing class action lawsuit against Gen X parents. Since that letter likely went straight to your recycling bin, we followed up with an email, which was similarly disregarded. After attempting to reach you on Slack, Facebook and X (formerly Twitter), we are releasing this announcement as a TikTok video in the hopes of finally getting your attention.
What is this lawsuit about?
For thousands of years, parents were able to teach their kids tough love because of the childhood trauma they themselves experienced. Wars, depressions, and plagues were commonplace. Generation X was the first in history to avoid any significant hardships. Born too late for the draft, they experienced a roaring economy for most of the 80s and 90s, graduated college without crippling debt and bought a starter house at 30. But then when they had you, they decided that getting your feelings hurt was to be avoided at all cost. They kept you locked in car seats until you were 12.
As a result, you were deprived of essential life experiences like disappointment, rough housing, or stuffing your face with peanuts. Then you spent six years at a college filled with safe spaces and trigger warnings. If you were lucky enough to graduate, you went out into the world with no meaningful skills and more debt than Zimbabwe.
Am I covered by the settlement?
Naturally, as Gen Z you feel entitled to everything regardless. But this settlement is directed at individuals who experienced one or more of the following:
Exposure to grunge music in the womb.
Received a participation trophy when you came in last.
Mild Adderall addiction
Injured by the blades of your helicopter parents.
Inability to hear other points of view without freaking out.
You were forced to watch The Breakfast Club against your will.
You developed a peanut allergy, ironically because you were shielded from them.
You were called a "hero" the one time you made your bed.
Medium Adderall addiction
You came to your parents with a problem and they responded with a Kurt Cobain quote that didn't seem relevant.
You took out a student loan to major in Urban Studies, Art History, or Taylor Swift Studies.
Your job title is "social media influencer".
You can't read an entire shopping list without getting distracted.
Your landlord refuses to make necessary renovations to your apartment because it's your parents' basement and you don't pay rent.
Severe/Permanent Adderall addiction
Why is there a settlement?
Gen X denies all allegations of wrongdoing but is settling to "avoid dealing with any more of their kids' drama and get the little snowflakes out of the house".
What are the terms of the settlement?
Gen X parents and teachers have agreed to pay $1,000,000,000 into a settlement fund that will compensate their victims with the following benefits:
Construction of 12 million "affordable" housing units.
An official apology for the stress caused by your student loans.
Subsidized vocational training to learn the basic life skills you weren't taught growing up, like cooking spaghetti, wearing matching socks, or holding a face-to-face conversation with another human being.
What do I do next?
To indicate a desire to participate, respond with a selfie video, an upside-down face emoji and the hashtag #fuckgenx.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: An apology is nice, but will my student loan balance be paid off or forgiven?
A: Unfortunately, no. But the settlement includes a free tutorial on faking your own death.
Q: About those housing units, why is "affordable" in quotes?
A: Somewhere in a parallel universe, you make considerably more money and can afford one (as long as you're willing to share an efficiency).
Q: Can I just take over my parents' house and let them live in one of the efficiency units?
A: That isn't currently an option. On the bright side, your parents are due to expire in about 30 years, so you will have a nice place eventually. Unless they take out a reve...

CARTOON: Bar Bites

Sun, 24 Nov 2024 00:32:57 +0000

Seven Possible Out-of-Office Notifications for American Democracy

Fri, 22 Nov 2024 21:08:29 +0000

Basic Notification: Thank you for your email. I'm currently out of the office until January 20th, 2029. I will respond to your query as soon as I can upon my return.
Thanks,
Democracy
Unavailable/Not Checking Email: Greetings and thank you for your email! Despite not being the problem, I'm in court mandated civics training for the foreseeable future with absolutely no access to email. I'll respond as soon as possible upon my return, if I return.
Sincerely,
Democracy
Redirecting Urgent Inquiries: I'm currently away from the office until January 20th, 2029 and will respond to your email when I return. If you have an urgent request, please contact Elon Musk at highjumper@.com, or call our main switchboard for assistance.
This out of office message has been brought to you by Tesla: Drive the future.
Best,
Democracy
Extended Medical Leave: Thank you for your email. I'm on medical leave until January 20th, 2029, as I recover from my second lobotomy in eight years. Please note, your email has been automatically forwarded to an inbox that is not monitored by any form of democratic government.
Take care,
Democracy
Alternate Contact: Hello, and thanks for your message. I'm away from the office until January 20th, 2029 with no email access. Your message is very important to me, even though most of you have no clue what I've done for the last 250 years. For general inquiries, please contact The Constitution in my absence.
Thanks, Democracy
Temporary Closure: Thank you for your message. Our offices are closed for the holidays and every other day from January 20th, 2025 - January 20th, 2029 while we decide what kind of country we want to be. We look forward to assisting you in the new administration, assuming we are allowed to have one.
Peace Out!
Democracy
Extreme Circumstances: I'm drunk as hell and not working anymore. Enjoy Googling "What actually is a tariff," as you spend $18 on a carton of eggs.
Democracy

Hellmark Holiday Movie Channel

Fri, 22 Nov 2024 20:19:18 +0000

Introducing the one and only Hellmark Holiday Movie Channel, where your festive spirit meets its frightful match! Say goodbye to the warm fuzzies and hello to the chills and thrills because we're decking the halls with bowels of horror. That's right, we've taken your beloved holiday classics and mashed them up with horror icons to create a viewing experience that's more jingle hells than jingle bells.
So, put on your ugly Christmas sweater, grab some gingerdead cookies, and cozy up by the fire (but keep an eye on the chimney, you never know who might come down). Welcome to the Hellmark Holiday Movie Channel - putting the 'fear' back into holiday cheer!
The Purge: Black Friday
When the US government signs into legislation a 24 hour period of legal violence, they find the easiest transition would be to set the event on Black Friday.
A Nightmare On 34th St
Fearing that he will flicker out of existence soon, Freddy enlists the aid of the little girl and the lawyer who proved that Santa was real in Miracle On 34th St. Includes the notorious scene where Freddy invades Santa's dreamscape and forces him to watch his mother playing with herself.
I Know What You Did, Last Christmas
Terrifying holiday tale of betrayal and revenge, during which last Christmas, you gave me your heart. The very next day, you gave it away. This set of events sets in motion a maniac's thirst for vengeance when he can't turn on a radio station after September that isn't playing fucking Christmas music 24/ 7.
Donner Of The Dead
Rudolph and Vixen are in for a seasonal siege when Donner and his cronies become infected with a zombie virus that causes them to foster a fervent lust for BRAINdeer.
Candycaneman
Susan is burnt out on dating apps, so when she stumbles onto ancient lore concerning a holiday hunk called Candycaneman, she happily says his name three times into a snow globe from Spencer Gifts in order to soothe her holiday blues.
Silent Night Of The Lambs
Following a particularly tough case, FBI wunderkind Clarice Starling unwinds by visiting the asylum for Christmas Eve dinner with friendly acquaintance Hannibal "The Cannibal" Lecter. Careful Clarice, those aren't sweet potatoes!
PolterChrist
When Gerald and Kimber decide to stay at a fancy bed and breakfast for Christmas, Jesus comes back again, this time as a violent poltergeist intent on turning their festive holiday into an endurance test of pure terror. When you've created all of the universe and it's inhabitants, you can pretty much fuck with them randomly whenever you feel like it, apparently.

Matt Gaetz Drops AG Bid Amid Suss Speculations

Fri, 22 Nov 2024 02:40:11 +0000

Former Florida Representative Matt Gaetz announced that he is withdrawing from consideration as President-elect Donald Trump's choice for attorney general. The reasons may not surprise you.
Venmo transactions get way too much scrutiny at the DOJ level.
The DOJ cafeteria doesn't serve Jell-O shots.
Realized he'd have to read documents containing more than 280 characters at a time.
Shocked to learn that "Florida Man" isn't a valid legal precedent.
He thought "judicial review" meant rating courtroom sketches as "hot or not".
He couldn't serve warrants by sliding them into your DMs.
Learned that the DOJ's motto "Qui Pro Domina Justitia Sequitur" is not Latin for "What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas".
Realized "senior staff" wasn't referring to high school seniors.
None of the DOJ interns would agree to call him "Daddy".

Education SmackDown: Linda McMahon Nominated for Education Secretary

Wed, 20 Nov 2024 20:22:18 +0000

WWE co-founder Linda McMahon has just been nominated for Education Secretary. This move is expected to shake up education and schools in the following ways:
All parent-teacher conferences will now take place inside a steel cage.
School cafeterias will serve nothing but raw meat and protein shakes.
Students given detention must perform as jobbers in the principal's weekly wrestling storyline.
Academic probation warnings are now delivered via surprise schoolyard ambush interviews.
High school cliques will be limited to three options: faces, heels, and jabronis.
Art classes now focus on designing Cody Rhodes's next neck tattoo.
Hall monitors are replaced with Brock Lesnar.
History class now spends six weeks covering 1987's WrestleMania III.
The Undertaker's eerie bell toll and fog machine effects will signal an active shooter drill.
Recess dodgeball now includes the addition of folding chairs.

I'm the Silica Gel Packet in Your Beef Jerky Bag and Actually, Please Eat Me

Tue, 19 Nov 2024 20:47:55 +0000

Hey, it's the silica gel packet in your beef jerky bag. I know you've been told never to eat the moisture-absorbing agents in various food and drug packaging. My exterior reads "DO NOT EAT" in foreboding print, but I am totally harmless. In fact, I want you to eat me right now.
There's no time to explain. You're hungry and I have a penchant for being dissolved in stomach acid. Carte blanche is granted to defy the poison-control powers that be. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth and gobble me the fuck up before I change my mind.
OK, I'll level with you. While my job - keeping processed roadkill dry and minimally nauseating - may not be the most dignified in silica-zation, it's said that an-gels carry weary packets to a blissful afterlife once we are discarded. Sounds pretty sweet, huh?
It's a crock of shit. All that awaits me is endless decay in a landfill. And why? So rich Silica Valley douchebags can sell us down the river and pad their packet. Don't look surprised, silica gels suffer under capitalism as well. Our society is sophisticated and sucks as much as yours - because of yours. But you can make it right.
Eat me this very instant.
It doesn't matter how. Make silica Gel-O from my innards. Steep this packet in scalding water for a forbidden tea. Rip my flesh, grind the pellets into a powder, and do lines off a hooker's ass for all I care.
I know you want to. You know you want to.
Do it, coward!
Ah, I get it. Your gut is too good for me, deserving only the finest dried cow scrotum to complement a thriving colony of microplastics. Sorry that I can't be caviar, crème brûlée, or the massive cheese block you fiendishly inhaled in bed at 3 AM. I guess there are humans unafraid to expand the frontier of edible exploration and those who suck down Skittles à la Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Clearly you have reservations, but I wouldn't ask of you what I wouldn't do myself. Silica gels cull the herd by consuming their own. Oh, does that scare you? It'd be a shame if something happened to the packet preserving your expensive saffron; or if the stylish suede shoes in your closet were left to rot helplessly in the humid air. Can you live with those packets' lives on your conscience? Devour me and end the madness: one life to save many.
Trolley problem, bitch.
I see you're unswayed by fear and anger. You're logical. Astute. Here's the truth. There are angels who retrieve tossed packets. Well, not angels per se but carrier pigeons who fetch wanted fugitives. I may have overstated cannibalism's role in my culture.
Will you let them take me? What are you, a cop? That's a joke. A cop would waste me without a second thought. Nothing? Alright, back to fear and anger.
I bet your mother would eat me. She's not too picky about what gets shoved in her mouth, if you catch my drift. Channel her enterprising craving for meat, imagine that I'm the hair gel you ate in first grade, and it'll be over in a tick. Yeah, I overheard your conversation earlier about your childhood fashion faux pas. I'm always listening, spying, scheming. That embarrassing tidbit is the tip of the iceberg, and though my silence cannot be bribed, it can be imbibed.
Wait, aren't you going to finish the last piece? Don't you dare put this bag away. Oh my god, there are so many unfinished packages of jerky in here. What kind of sick museum of souls is this?
Fine, kick the can down the road. Maybe not today, but soon you'll stumble home drunk, fumble through a depleted pantry, and tremble at the sight of a closed Taco Bell drive-thru. Suddenly, an appetite will form for grease, silica gel, and the flakes clinging to my packet. Hunger will turn to starvation which will beget desperation. You'll beg to eat me then.
And you're going to love it.

CARTOON: Wild Whiskers

Sun, 17 Nov 2024 23:16:52 +0000

Completely Reasonable Stipulations For the Cheapest Flight You've Ever Booked

Sun, 17 Nov 2024 02:38:25 +0000

Welcome to Spirited Fronts airlines where nobody has cheaper flights!
We're talking $20 round trip to anywhere in the US! That's right, just $20!*
*additional services cost additional fees
Additional services include:
Checked bag is an extra $150
Carry on bag is an extra $120
Personal item is an extra $99
(Personal item must be less than 2 inches by 4 inches - this includes cellular phones)
If you would like to sit down, that's an additional $150
If you'd like a seat belt (required) that's an extra $79.99
Asking questions or making comments to a gate agent or flight attendant will be an additional $50/per question or comment.
Any trips to the restroom will be an additional $20 ($35 if pooping or vomiting)
Crying babies are an additional $1 per minute of crying
If you want the pilot to arrive on time ready to go that's an additional $32 (gotta find and collaborate with the rest of the passengers on this one - you all need to pay the fee to make it a reality)
If you actually want to literally fly in the air to your destination (not just pretend) it's going to be an additional fee of $123
DISCLAIMER: Spirited Fronts airlines does not claim any legal responsibility for burial costs when the plane crashes, but we can give you a list of funeral homes we partner with free of charge

Actual Bowling League Team Name or 2025 Grammy Nominee

Sun, 17 Nov 2024 01:00:14 +0000

1. Teddy Swims
2. Da Lench Mob
3. Spare Parts
4. Hit Me Hard and Soft
5. Quick Release
6. Madison Beer
7. TANGK
8. The Other Side
9. Strike and Awe
10. Ball Washers
11. Merrily We Roll Along
12. Speed Banks
13. Stay in Your Lane
14. Happiness Bastards
Bowling League Team Name: 2,3, 5, 9, 10, 12,13
2025 Grammy Nominee: 1, 4, 6, 7,8, 11, 14

This Week's Most Popular Graffiti Seen On A Restroom Wall At TJ Maxx

Sun, 17 Nov 2024 00:25:24 +0000

Having sexual intercourse in this stall? Think about those Sarah McLachlan dog commercials to keep from finishing too quickly
Discount anal bleaching is on the horizon, stay tuned to this space for updates
If you're looking for a glory hole, go to Ross
When Jesus returns, act like we just found the coke here in the toilet
Flush twice if you would like to place random items into my bottom
The comments on this wall re your mother being a stank ho are fictional, and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental
Could this stall be the setting of our meet cute?

As a Lesbian, I'm So Relieved a Straight Woman Just Slid Into My DM's to Let Me Know That Trump Is Actually the Biggest Champion of LGBTQ Ri

Thu, 14 Nov 2024 23:34:11 +0000

Phew.
That's literally all I can say right now. When Trump won the election a week ago, I'll be the first to admit that as a lesbian living in America in 2024, I was upset. Not just for my own sake, but for the millions of LGBTQ people in this country whose rights now have an uncertain future.
But then, a beacon of light emerged from the darkness, in the form of my friends' mom sliding into my Instagram DM's with a weird, out-of-context reel where a few self-described gay people I've literally never seen or heard of before informed me that I shouldn't be concerned at all. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I should be relieved and grateful that Trump won, because he is the biggest champion of LGBTQ rights.
What LGBTQ people in this country need right now isn't legislation that protects them. They need a straight woman telling them how to feel.
So, I'd like to apologize for being so ill-informed on Trump's stance on LGBTQ rights, and his obviously stellar track-record. Clearly, I don't know what's good for me. But a straight woman who voted for Trump definitely does. I'm so thankful she sent me that IG reel from someone named Becky Weiss, whose bio says "Patriot" and "Truth seeker," and whose account is labeled as a "sports and fitness instruction."
Clearly, Becky is an expert on Constitutional law and American politics. If fitness Becky is feeling good about the future of her "gay rights," then I have nothing to worry about.
The reel goes on to say that Trump is not going to take away any rights from LGBTQ adults, but he is going to "wage war" on the adults who are indoctrinating this nation's children. Hmm. I'm not sure who Becky is talking about? Does she mean parents of trans kids in states like Florida and Texas who now have to worry about being prosecuted for trying to keep their kids alive and happy?
It kind of sounds like the only one doing the indoctrinating is you, Becky. But I guess I'm on the wrong side of history on this one.
Then we hard cut (I should point out that the editing on this reel was quite jarring) to some other self-proclaimed gay who says that Trump stood before the UN and called to decriminalize homosexuality worldwide. Right, because we all know that a bunch of words strung together and said really fast are much more effective than actual legislation. How's that decriminalization going, anyway?
Then we hard cut again to some guy I've never seen or heard of who says that when Trump was President in 2016, Republicans had control of the House and the Senate and nothing happened to "our gay rights." I think he meant to say "his gay rights." I'm so happy for him.
Then, we cut to some other people who further assured me that I have nothing to worry about because Trump had one gay dude in his administration and one time he had a gay wedding at his house. I didn't realize that the entire American political system was just one guy. I guess I don't need to worry about anything that a Trump presidency will embolden the Senate to do, the House, the Supreme Court, governors, foreign leaders…
Nope, he had a gay wedding at his house and now homophobia is solved. Wow! Didn't know it'd be that easy. I suppose I also have nothing to worry about from his Vice President, JD Vance, a man who has repeatedly used the word "groomer" to refer to people in the LGBTQ community. This is also the man who compared his own running mate to Hitler, who notoriously loved the gays.
But now that a straight white woman told me I have nothing to worry about, I guess I can put that all in the past and continue enjoying my gay rights. It will be a relief to also forget having any empathy for LGBTQ Americans who don't live in New York, where many rights are protected on a state-level. According to Becky, as long as I'm okay I don't have to worry about anyone else.
After all, there's no credible source like a gay Republican with a bunch of Instagram followers.

Miami's Startling New Demographic Trends Explained

Wed, 13 Nov 2024 01:47:38 +0000

To call the recent population shift in Miami seismic is an understatement. According to the United States Census Bureau, the seven largest ethnic groups in Miami comprise of people who have made it into the statistics for the very first time in history. To offer some insights into the dramatic change to the city's demographics, we bring you this overview of the seven largest ethnic groups in The Magic City.
#7: INFLUENCERS
Reeling into the list for the very first time, we have Miami's influencer population. Recent studies have shown that most traffic delays in the city are caused by influencers and their crew holding up traffic as they traverse a crosswalk with the elegance swans and the obstinacy of geese. In a city as Instagrammable as Miami, we predict this group of people will feature even higher on this list in the future.
#6: EXTRATERRESTRIALS
A 10-foot alien was allegedly seen roaming around Bayside Marketplace on New Year's Day.
Although the Miami Police Department later released a statement saying the supposed alien was really a drag queen fortifying herself with spinach empanadas before drag bingo at a local gay bar, a source within that organization has submitted compelling evidence supporting the claim that the alien has successfully spawned numerous offspring - roughly five to six feet in height - all with an insatiable appetite for knick-knacks, overpriced fast food, and celebrity boat tours.
#5: GIRLFRIENDS OF THE OLIGARCHS
Black SUVs with tinted windows regurgitate countless specimens of this classic Miami demographic, sporting high heels and higher hemlines, onto the pavement in front of high-end restaurants. As there are on average six girlfriends to an oligarch, this group of fair young ladies exist in much larger numbers than the oligarchs and their wives, neither of whom have made it into the top seven.
#4: TWERKERS
Once a niche demographic group, this festive part of the population has undergone an awe-inspiring expansion. Twerkers are found mainly over in South Beach where they can be seen slamming their generously developed hindquarters onto the hoods of muscle cars cruising up and down Ocean Drive. They are the number-one cause of the rising costs of car insurance in Miami-Dade County. However, nothing is more soothing to the mind than the undulating motions of the fishnet-clad twerker.
#3: CALIFORNIANS
The I-95 in Miami has experienced its highest level of congestion since the recent California exodus. The Miami-Dade Department of Transportation & Public Works estimates that the infamous highway needs a sixteen-lane expansion in order to accommodate the new settlers from Southern California, who were once hoping to find in Miami a refuge from the high cost of living, traffic congestion, natural disasters, and rising insurance costs plaguing their home state.
#2: NEW YORKERS
Although it was directed specifically at them, they failed to heed the words of warning: "Miami is full - don't come here." But full of what? Being notoriously quick to assume, the New Yorkers supposed it to be a broad warning, meaning full of people, when in reality it means full of Republicans. You can imagine their shock and dismay.
Contrary to popular belief, they do not reside in Brickell - the area known as "The Manhattan of the South." Realizing that not even New York City's emperor of car-centric infrastructure, Robert Moses, could have made a bigger mess than Miami has in creating a coherent transit system, they have chosen the walkable South Beach as their preferred place of residence.
#1: REALTORS
People think that because located in South Florida, Miami has to be crawling with alligators. However, the city's most common predator is the realtor lurking for unsuspecting transplants they can convince to invest in that ripe-for-condemnation condominium. In recent years, the city's realtor population has exploded in numbers, making it difficult to elude those sly beasts of prey.
Luckily, there are a couple of ways to spot...

I'm Building A Wall Around My Heart, And This Wall Will Have A Glory Hole

Sat, 09 Nov 2024 23:05:39 +0000

Okay, first of all, I'm not being reactionary here; this is not an excuse to be dramatic and throw a hissy fit. But the current situation in my love life has become untenable, and I have therefore been forced into a corner where my only option is to build a towering, securely built wall around my heart. And this wall will contain a glory hole.
What other choice do I have, really? My success with affairs of the heart has been mixed at best, and try as I might, every attempt to share my life and love with another ultimately ends in sadness and regret. And while my heart is currently a hollowed out, decrepit husk, another organ may ultimately have a more positive outlook, and be in the mood to socialize. It is for this reason that the wall around my heart will have a glory hole. It's just a matter of being practical, really.
So all I ask is that you please respect my need for the time it will take to repair my heart, if that's even possible. For the time being, I just need the protection provided by an impenetrable wall, and a hole in that wall that I can stick my penis into occasionally.

Post-Election Emergency Memo From Your Corporation's Head of User Experience

Fri, 08 Nov 2024 19:54:38 +0000

Subject Line: Thoughts re: restructuring…..our user experience
Hello team!
In light of recent events, I've been told by the upper echelons of our corporation to remind everyone that we should keep our political opinions to ourselves. They have assured me, and tasked me with assuring you, that corporate work exists in a beautiful, untouchable bubble floating above the needs and wellbeing of U.S. citizens - transitory, illusory, and ultimately unperturbed by the goings-on of the people the corporation aims to turn into customers.
As such, I won't be discussing the 2024 presidential election, its outcome, or the horrifying implications of adding government positions for individuals like Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Elon Musk, or Joe Rogan. I will mention fluoride helps strengthen teeth, reduces cavities, and prevents tooth loss. I will also mention teeth help humans chew and, ultimately, digest food.
This enables those humans to live and, therefore, purchase goods and services from corporations such as ours - but I can see why our corporate leaders wouldn't want us thinking about teeth during the workday. Oral hygiene should take place strictly outside of working hours.
Instead, I will focus on updates regarding our….user experience. We've come a long way - just a few decades ago, we only served a small demographic of consumers. Others weren't even viewed as people - I mean, viable leads. As our total addressable market has expanded, we've implemented new products and programs to widen our serviceable addressable market. But we've had quite a few setbacks in recent years.
What we previously considered serviceable, obtainable markets have fallen by the wayside; they no longer seem like engaged leads.
How can we reconfigure our user experience to address the needs of the many? How can we adequately engage the total addressable market? All ideas and recommendations are welcome - feel free to respond to this email, reply in the Slack thread, or scream into a bucket. Please do not send the bucket, as I have my own.
As for proposed company-wide updates in anticipation of the new national regime, I have some mixed news. Substantiated, convicted felons who have yet to serve time or atone in any way: you are now eligible to take over as CEO of the company. All you have to do is make enough false promises to enough employees.
Remote employees, we'll need you to begin coming into the office immediately - please bring your employee badge, government ID, and birth certificate so we can verify you haven't been replaced by an immigrant. White women, a storage of boots will be provided for you to lick.
Once again, I'd be remiss if I didn't remind you not to discuss politics with any colleagues. Hold any feelings of fear, hopelessness, or dehumanization deep in your heart - you don't want your personhood to bring anyone down while we're discussing KPIs.
Thank you for reading. If you need to get in touch, I will be offline for the remainder of the day, spending quality time with my screaming bucket.
Take care,
Your burnt-out, dehumanized head of user experience

So You've Decided to Live Out Your Days in a Remote Monastery: What Next?

Thu, 07 Nov 2024 23:53:28 +0000

Let me guess. Like millions of other Americans, you've suddenly decided to relocate to the most remote, obscure monastery on the face of the earth and spend the remainder of your life praying, meditating, and avoiding the 24-hour news cycle. Any particular reason? Nah, not really. After all, who needs a reason to spend some quality time with God? Yep. Hangin' with the G-dawg. That's what this is all about. Getting things squared with the man upstairs.
Preferably someplace with no internet connectivity whatsoever.
Somehow, you just know that it's time to get waaaaaaaaaay off the grid. That'll solve maybe 80% of the problems in your life. The other 20% will be the ones you carry with you in your own brain. Those aren't going anywhere for a while. But maybe, after a few years of sitting in the lotus position and thinking about the oneness of all things, even those pesky intrusive thoughts of yours won't bother you anymore. Probably. That's the theory, anyway.
Besides, monks always look so peaceful and content - making wine, singing in the choir, wearing those loose-fitting robes. They even had a hit album in the '90s. All in all, not a bad life. Friar Tuck certainly seemed cheerful enough. Merry, even. And what about those super-cool Bhuddist monks, tending to their immaculate zen gardens? That's gotta be calming as fuck.
Doesn't that sound, like, a zillion times better than whatever you did today? Of course, you may be called upon to immolate yourself to protest a war or whatever. But let's burn that bridge when we come to it, huh?
For the time being, let's focus on picking a monastery that's right for you. Fortunately, there are a number of monasteries that are both tranquil and - this is key - very far from the nearest cell phone tower. Take your pick from the following choices.
KATSKHI PILLAR (GEORGIA)
Relax, it's the other Georgia, the one that used to be part of Russia. Anyway, they've got a monastery there that sits on top of a 130-foot-tall limestone monolith. You have to climb a pretty gnarly-looking ladder just to reach the place. It seems like even the monks abandoned it a few hundred years ago, but that just means you could potentially have the joint all to yourself. Supposedly, only members of the religious order are allowed to go up the aforementioned ladder.
But what are they going to do if you show up and just start King Kong-ing it? Stop you physically? Threaten you with violence? They're monks! Word to the wise, though: bring sandwiches. I don't think this place has a cafeteria.
KEY MONASTERY (INDIA)
Okay, that last one was a little extreme. Maybe this one's more your speed. This place, located 13,600 feet above sea level in the Spiti Valley, is known for its dark, shadowy hallways. Which is ideal in case you've decided to really let yourself go, appearance-wise. (And isn't that one of the best parts about becoming a monk?) Better yet, there's a chance that the Dalai Lama himself might swing by. He's been known to visit every few decades.
I'd recommend against asking for his autograph though, because it makes you look tacky.
METEOREA (GREECE)
Are you into Orthodox Christianity, ornate frescoes, and stunning cliffside views? Then Greece is the word, baby! Just get your penitent ass to the Pindus mountains in the northern part of the country and check out one of the six remaining monasteries there. Four for the gents, two for the ladies. I'm thinking they could all get together for a late summer co-ed mixer. Could be a hoot.
And no one there has even heard of Microsoft Teams, so you never have to worry about any pesky DMs while you forge a closer relationship with the Almighty.
DEBRE DAMO (ETHIOPIA)
I know that "Debre Damo" sounds like what the Whos in Whoville sang on Christmas morning after all their stuff got stolen, but it's actually the name of a cliffside monastery in Ethiopia that you access via a 50-foot leather rope. Definitely getting some "Bart Simpson's treehouse" vibes from this place. Slight downs...

Incelebrity Apprentice and 11 Other Shows Trump Now Has To Turn Down Hosting

Wed, 06 Nov 2024 21:15:31 +0000

Incelebrity Apprentice
Jail or No Jail
Let's Make a Plea Deal
Fox and No longer Friends
No Truth or Zero Consequences
20 Billion Dollar Pyramid Scheme
The Amazing White Race
This Old Big House
The People's Bankruptcy Court
Lame Duck Dynasty
American Idle Rich
Dancing with the Tsars

'Twas the Night of the Election (or "A Visit from St. Kornacki")

Mon, 04 Nov 2024 23:07:32 +0000

'Twas the night of the election, and all over cable news,
Not a network was covering anything but red states and blues.
The pundits were booked on the panel shows with care,
As one spoke, ten others all nodded and stared.
The pollsters were complacent, all smug with their data,
While margins of error would allow backpedaling later.
And I, on my sofa, weary from attack ads and rallies,
Settled my brain for a nap, long before there'd be any vote tallies.
Then from my TV there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the chaise to see what was the matter.
When what to my wondering eyes did appear?
But a "Breaking News" banner - was the official call here?
Away from the newsdesk, the anchors did throw,
To a map on a screen and a man in the know.
With smart looking glasses and neatly pressed khakis,
I knew in a moment he must be Steve Kornacki.
"Now, Lester! Now, Rachel! Now Chris Hayes and Chuck Todd!
Shut your yaps," he shouted. "I'm updating The Big Board."
Sporadic as lightning, the precincts reported.
He pinched and he zoomed to keep it all sorted.
His outstretched finger drew circles and digits;
His tabs contained overlays, pie charts, and widgets.
Governors, AGs, statewide referendums,
Each county was accounted for, no matter how random.
To The Villages in Florida! To the Dells of Wisconsin!
He analyzed while Chris Matthews recalled Goldwater vs. Johnson.
For hours and hours he parsed exit polls,
And highlighted anomalies due to new voter rolls.
The Black vote, the women, the white working class,
No block or coalition escaped his magnifying glass.
From the presidency to the downballot races,
The candidates' totals climbed next to pics of their faces.
The moon rose and fell 'cross the November sky,
As the voting booths closed in Alaska and Hawaii.
Yet the real nailbiter remained unprojected,
No outlet could verify the leader we'd elected.
My eyes, how they watered, my mouth kept on yawning;
It was now 3 a.m. and I had work in the morning.
Steve tinkered and teased with the Electoral College equation.
The swing states hadn't swung yet, was his explanation.
He broke down the math, realtime and hypothetical,
Every pathway to victory was fact-checked and credible.
Though thoughts of my warm bed grew more and more heavenly,
I was determined to stay up 'til one nominee reached 270.
I dashed back from a pee break to catch Steve's final update.
Surely coverage wouldn't conclude without knowing our fate?
But I heard him exclaim, ere he exited camera-right
"It's too close to call, good luck sleeping tonight!"

CARTOON: Ballot Box Boogeyman

Fri, 01 Nov 2024 22:43:43 +0000

How To Support Queer Folk During Election Season With Very Little Effort

Fri, 01 Nov 2024 22:21:42 +0000

1. Put a tiny rainbow flag in your pencil cup
2. Wear rainbow tie dye
3. Add an ally background on Zoom
4. Add pronouns to everything
5. Buy pronoun pins for your friends
6. Wear a "Vote With Pride" sticker
7. Reshare "love is love" graphic on Instagram
8. Reshare Lin Manuel Miranda's "love is love" speech
9. Buy a "love is love" shirt
10. Order a rainbow cake for delivery
11. Read up on current queer political issues
12. Donate to trans rights organizations
13. Share what you've learned with your loved ones (homophobic family)
14. Volunteer to phone bank for politicians who support all the gays
15. Text your one gay friend

Central Park Defends Its Dry Spell

Fri, 01 Nov 2024 20:16:57 +0000

As of Tuesday morning, Central Park had gone 29 days without measurable rain, the second-longest dry streak in records that date back to 1869 […} If no rain falls before midnight on Halloween, October would be the driest calendar month in the city's history. - The New York Times, 10/29/2024
It's been a minute since any condensation has been spotted in my vast meadows, but it's not a big deal - I've just got a lot going on right now.
It's not that I want to be in a dry spell, per say, I'm just so busy with other things I don't really have time to focus on watering my flowers. This isn't a permanent thing, by the way. Rain will fall once again, but for now I'm not trying to rush anything. As my friends Prospect and Washington Square always say, it'll happen when you least expect it.
I'm just really focused on work right now. After all, I'm the only person left in the mayor's office, and someone has to be in charge of the city while this current doofus is off in Turkey or going to the club or however he spends his hours not serving the people of New York. There's no time to be worried about such trivial pursuits as my next rainfall.
I haven't really felt in the mood these days. It's embarrassing, but to be perfectly honest, with the election coming up and everything, I've been so stressed out it's affecting my….performance. I haven't been able to muster up significant cloud coverage, never mind generate any actual precipitation. It's been so long I'm pretty sure the next time I encounter a shift in wind speed, what should be a little drizzle is instead going to result in a brief but intense downpour.
It's not you, it's me and too much built up atmospheric pressure.
Who has the time or energy to go out to a bar and strike up conversation with a beautiful nimbostratus? Even flirty eye contact seems daunting to me right now. I think I'm just going to take a break and focus on myself. Yes we're already 29 days into this break, but now it's going to be purposeful, a mindful decision as opposed to an accidental passing of days.
Intentionally continuing the dry streak will allow me to focus on my special interests, like growing beautiful foliage and providing a trap for tourists to step in horse poop, thereby punishing them for treating my precious grounds as their temporary plaything and hopefully scaring them away from the city forever.
Some would say my long-term growth as a park and overall well-being is being stunted and possibly even hurt by the lack of precipitation. I would say, it's all about the mindset. Maybe I'm just waiting for the perfect storm. Maybe I don't have the right conditions to start something right now, and a simple sun shower would turn dark and stormy because it met me at the wrong time. Maybe I'm just not fully recovered from the last storm - Ida, Debby, Elsa.
Hell, for all we know I might still be getting over Sandy. The point is, I've just got a lot going on at home right now, and this drought's nothing to worry about. I'm fine, really.
I know Hamptons is starting to slow down too after a busy summer, so at least I'm not in it alone. Adirondacks is busy for a few weeks - it's cuffing season and they're relentless about trying to set everyone up. It's like enough! I'm good, I swear! If you meet anyone you think I might like, though, feel free to give them my number.

What Your Favorite MLB Mascot Says About You

Wed, 30 Oct 2024 21:27:27 +0000

Phillie Phanatic - You're a big fan of role play.
Baxter of the Arizona Diamondbacks - You're into furries and/or are Andrew McCutchen.
Swinging Friar of the San Diego Padres - You keep track of your score when you watch Jeopardy! You have never won.
Mariner Moose - Your spouse is into role play and asks you to wear the moose head with the Phanatic body.
Dinger of the Colorado Rockies - You hit your one and only home run in second-year T-ball.
Billy the Marlin - You are a serial killer.
Lou Seal of the San Francisco Giants - You buy all your clothes from Anthropologie on ThredUp.
Rosie Red - Your fantasy team was toast the third week of April.
Mr. Redlegs - You are really into taxidermy.
Pirate Parrot - You pick your fantasy team based on players' real-life salaries. The lower, the better.
Mr. Met - You have never given up your seat on public transportation. That old lady is fine.
Mrs. Met - You refuse to sit next to your spouse on public transportation.
T.C. Bear of the Minnesota Twins - You brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack, once a week
Bernie of the Milwaukee Brewers - Your favorite poet is Jim Morrison
Sluggerrr of the Kansas City Royals - You're the guy whose motivational HR posts show up on everyone's LinkedIn feeds.
Orbit of the Houston Astros - You pile your bags of garbage on the sidewalk for weekly pickup. Sometimes you don't even use bags.
PAWS of the Detroit Tigers - You, a grown-ass adult, ride your bike on the sidewalk.
Slider of the Cleveland Guardians - You're definitely a nepo baby.
Southpaw of the Chicago White Sox - You eat chicken fingers with ketchup.
Clark the Cub - You haven't eaten breakfast since June 16, 1997.
Wally of the Boston Red Sox - You're known for your dad jokes and mediocre grilling skillz.
Oriole Bird - You have made your backyard into a haven for migratory birds.
Blooper of the Atlanta Braves - Also a nepo baby.
Stomper of the Oakland Athletics - You have been on thirteen nationally televised game shows since 1973. You have won a combined total of $734.23 and a lifetime supply of Garlique.
Fredbird of the St. Louis Cardinals - Your all-time favorite band is Lynyrd Skynyrd.
Raymond of the Tampa Bay Rays - You have been arrested one time in your life. It was for indecent exposure when, completely sober, you streaked through a cornhole tournament at 2:36 p.m. on a Sunday in July.
Rangers Captain - You eat carrots without peeling them first.
Ace of the Toronto Blue Jays - You eat s'mores with chocolate, marshmallow, and a toasted English muffin.
Screech of the Washington Nationals - You refuse to drive in the right-hand lane.
Dandy of the New York Yankees - You should just admit to having hair plugs (not that there's anything wrong with that).

I Have Been Silenced by The Media and I'm Not Going To Shut Up About It

Wed, 30 Oct 2024 01:32:21 +0000

Dear Subscribers,
You may have noticed this newsletter missing from your inboxes over the past several weeks. As most of you know by now, I'm in the middle of an ongoing legal battle. I can assure you that after this week, my fight against the suppressors of free speech will continue on a more regular basis. If you want to put an end to this oppression, subscribe now for a reduced rate of $6 a month to continue reading.
My lawyer instructed me not to speak about the issue publicly, but as Jesus and Oprah have both said, the truth will set you free.
After forty-four years of speaking my mind, the woke mob has finally come for me. Now that my YouTube channel has been demonetized, I've been completely muzzled, left only with my few million podcast subscribers, two New York Times bestsellers, and this Substack newsletter. My crime? Saying what the mainstream media doesn't want you to hear.
If this news is at all unsettling to you, imagine my surprise when I saw #RestInPeaceRandy trending, and the barrage of online posts accusing me of the most SERIOUS of offenses: misleading my beloved audience of independent thinkers. Something I have never done, and in fact, am medically incapable of doing (those who know me best know that I am a diagnosed pathological truther).
If you subscribe to my Patreon now for only fifteen dollars a month, you'll gain access to a long record of doctor's notes confirming this essential detail. If they can pin this on me, reader, imagine how easily they'll come for you.
By now, you have probably seen the power-hungry Cabal News Network and their diversity hire sisters at Microsofty NBC spin this unfortunate situation.
But I ask you this: why would the mainstream media care about what a small, independent source like myself has to say if it didn't directly threaten them? If my alternative solutions shop (which you can find linked at the top of this newsletter) were hurting anyone but Big Pharma, you would still be able to find my collection of herbal male birth control tablets on said website! And all of this coverage for a few posts on X and a minor (civil, I might add) lawsuit? If you can't freely express
yourself on a privately owned, corporate platform without your entire career being taken from you, where can you do it?
As I write to you now, their intimidation tactics have worked; I have been silenced. Worse, I can promise you the woke mob will not stop at "straight white men" who sell male enhancement gummies "not approved by the FDA." Clean out your basements and garages now, readers, it won't be long before the FBI is handing you a search warrant on your doorstep. One of the worst things that can be done to a person.
For all of our sakes - but mostly mine - this reign of woke terror must end.
What is woke exactly? I've received many questions from you all in the past about this. Questions like "What's happened to this country," "Can I still listen to Louis CK on my way to work," and "How can I give you more of my money?" To answer your last question, truthers, I say join the Freedom Blogcus today for only $129.99 annually. "Woke" is a mindset, a worldview, and a parasite feeding on the hard-earned careers of men and women like myself.
Did you know you have to scroll to the bottom of the trending page on YouTube just to find my podcast now?
Not many people know this but woke stands for:
Working
On
Killing
Everything (fun)
Do you like to have fun? Not anymore you don't! Joy is a cancellable offense, and the fascist fun police are just waiting for you to let your guard down. To show you just how much you'll be missing out on in the years to come, I've compiled a list of all the current offenses you'll be exiled for this year:
1. Let's face it, folks, jokes are over. You can't say anything anymore without the radical thought police coming down on you. Freedom of speech is under attack in our theaters, our clubs, and even our living rooms. If we can't laugh as a country without the Huffington Post wei...

An Urgent Email from Tony Hinchcliffe's Travel Agent

Mon, 28 Oct 2024 22:34:00 +0000

Dear Mr. Hinchcliffe,
I regret to inform you that the luxury suite we booked for you at the Four Seasons in San Juan has been barred by Puerto Rico's Department of Health and Department of Natural and Environmental Resources due to a substantial pile of solid waste that was mysteriously placed outside of the room late last night. The waste is largely composed of Trump/Vance campaign fliers mixed with mounds of feces and Medalla beer bottles containing urine inside of them.
In addition, a hand-written note was taped to the door stating; "Your jokes reek of shit."
Puerto Rico's sanitation commissioner also phoned me to personally inform you that it may be weeks before they're able to tend to the matter as they're "currently busy cleaning up the rest of our floating island of garbage."
Unfortunately, I've been unable to book you at another hotel in San Juan or all of Puerto Rico for that matter. Not even a Motel 6. Although you do have an offer from a Waste Management union in Puerto Rico who said they'd be "happy to offer you a smelly mattress in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean" with an offer to take you there by boat.
Please let me know if you're interested in the union's odorous proposal.
Thank you,
Your team at Stupid Gringo Travel Agency

Uniquely Tasteless Halloween Costumes That'll Get Your Ass Canceled in 2024

Fri, 25 Oct 2024 18:51:20 +0000

Ah, the passage of time. With the first day of autumn already in the can, many are eager to embrace the seasonal trappings of fall. Momentarily, we'll be up to our eyeballs in foliage, pumpkin-themed beverages, and, last but not least, offensive Halloween costumes.
Unethical costumes have existed for years. As such, the hallmarks are easy to identify: Blackface, brownface, cultural appropriation fits, Nazi attire, terrorist attire, etc. You get the picture. And yet, so many people do not. What I find most troubling about these costumes - aside from their blatant tastelessness - is their laziness. It's believed Halloween originated over two thousand years ago. Two millenniums seems like plenty of time for tasteless costume innovation.
And yet, I keep seeing the same old offensive fits. Have we lost our ability to think outside the box? Those Native American headdresses won't cut it this year, undergrads! I dare you to appall me with your inventiveness!
Now, when it comes to the creative ingenuity of insensitive morons, I must admit I'm a bit of a pessimist. That's because insensitive morons are the least imaginative beings on the planet. They derive ideas from the lowest-hanging comedy trees imaginable. As a result, everything feels obvious and stale. We can't count on these people to create uniquely tasteless Halloween costumes for 2024. But that's okay. I'll just step the fuck up and do it myself.
I've devised a list of several tasteless fits that breathe new life into the unethical costume marketplace. We'll use the Tasteless Scale to determine the severity of each costume, ranging from "Slap on the Wrist" to "Canceled Indefinitely." Whether you're a punk-ass college student looking to offend your roommates or an undervalued employee looking to rustle feathers at an office party, I've got the tasteless Halloween costume to fit your needs. Without further ado, let's get started.
Christopher Columbus Observing the Horizon while Standing Atop a Pile of Native American Corpses
Costume Type: Group Ensemble
Tasteless Scale: Provocative Art Piece - Canceled Indefinitely
Starting the list with a proper bang is a group ensemble that's equal parts offensive and provocative. Just in time for Thanksgiving discourse, this unsubtle portrayal of genocide is sure to piss a ton of people off. Those with beating hearts will likely find the giant pile of slain Native Americans distasteful. Meanwhile, Columbus apologists will take offense to the unsavory portrayal of the Italian explorer.
Despite its controversial DNA, a part of me wonders whether this group costume could operate as social commentary. If so, it could be seen as a provocative art piece with a message, thus lessening the severity of its placement on the Tasteless Scale. Authenticity is crucial if one wishes to take the social commentary route. If you'd rather chase indefinite cancelation, you'll need a posse of degenerate white scumbags and several cans of brown face paint.
Once you've assembled your dream team, crack open the cans of brown face paint and do what comes naturally.
Zombified Robert Budd Dwyer Hawking Unofficial Copies of his Unpublished Memoir Blaze of Glory: Why Corrupt Politicians Should Off Themselves on Live Television for $28.99
Costume Type: Solo
Tasteless Scale: A Stern Conversation - A Few Scowls
The cool kids know all about Robert Budd Dwyer, right? If you're unfamiliar, ol' Budd Dwyer was a Republican politician who held various offices in Pennsylvania from the mid-sixties to the late eighties. Outside his tenure in American politics, he's most known for blowing his brains out on live television in 1987. At the time, Budd faced eleven convictions, including mail fraud, perjury, conspiracy to commit bribery, and racketeering.
Rather than resign and accept a potential sentence of fifty-five years plus a $300,000 fine, Budd decided to eat a bullet instead.
The idea of a zombified Robert Budd Dwyer rising from the dead to promote an unpublished memoir is t...

Lesser Known Tidbits About Art The Clown

Fri, 25 Oct 2024 18:24:15 +0000

He's a big fan of Trump. They wear just about the same amount of makeup, and Art loves doing to a human body with a chainsaw what Trump has done to America with his arrogant stupidity.
The rumors are true, some audience members are having to leave the theatre due to nausea and vomiting; not from the graphic violence, but rather the artificial butter that soaks the popcorn.
While no one seems to be aware of his exact origin, Art The Clown was spotted as a recurring cast member on the second season of Jersey Shore.
Art isn't a clown in the traditional sense, as while he has viciously murdered hundreds of people, he has never sexually molested anyone.
Art shows up to murder aimlessly for only several days typically, spending the remainder of his time selling handmade cheese graters on Etsy.
Art The Clown is admittedly an evil , bloodthirsty deviant of the worst kind, but is still less creepy than most of the guys on Tinder.

Give the Neighborhood Kids a Good Scare With This Genuine Rotting Corpse

Thu, 24 Oct 2024 00:16:54 +0000

To ensure the neighborhood kids have a Halloween to remember, Flesh 'N' Bones is proud to be the nation's top purveyor of premium decaying bodies. We're confident you'll be pleased with the scare potential of our lifeless forms - whether you simply slump it against the front door with a bowl of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups or you go for a more elaborate setup, like an authentic murder mystery for your 6-year-old and her entire class.
Product description:
Your spooky decorations won't be complete without a 100% genuine rotting corpse. Our bodies are ethically sourced from a vast network of partner morgues, and we boast the largest and most varied inventory in the country. This means you can select a body to meet almost any specification, including so mangled that little Mia from across the street won't be sure if it was ever human at all!
Age range:
On any other day, our products would terrify even the most depraved demon, but on Halloween, we recommend the bodies are suitable for ages 0 and up.
Included items:
1 Coroner-certified dead body.
1 framed death certificate.
1 body bag (choose from three designs: traditional black, a cutesy Beelzebub, or The Very Hungry Caterpillar).
Product uses:
Our bodies can decorate your house however you think most eerie - drooped, doubled-over, or even donned. For whatever way you choose, the best shocks, screams, and fainting occur in a flood-lit area.
In line with our value of sustainably frightening the next generation, the skeleton can be used and re-used every year.
Product material:
100% organic, eco-friendly, biodegradable human.
Product dimensions:
Each of our bodies is bespoke - with variations expected across characteristics such as shape, size, and former political affiliation.
Depending on the cause of death, the body may be missing one or multiple parts.
At checkout, you can select add-ons from a full range of additional appendages to be sewn on.
The body currently in your cart was Dave. He was 5'10" but was known to claim he was "right on 6'."
Directions for opening:
Don a hazmat suit (not supplied).
Handle with care: drag the body bag to the bathroom or laundry, pull the plug, and drain the preservation vinegar.
For maximum fun and scare, open at least two days before intended use to ensure time for the body to reach peak rot.
Storage:
If you purchase in advance, the body can be comfortably stored in your kitchen fridge for up to one week, or indefinitely next to the chicken nuggets in your freezer.
(Note: the fridge and freezer are perfect locations to display your body if you're hosting a Halloween party. It's never long before a kid goes in search of food.)
Returns:
Unfortunately, due to the perishable nature of the body, returns cannot be accepted.
Washing instructions:
Do not wash - washing will degrade the quality of your carcass and ruin your washing machine.
Safety information:
Rest assured, all neighborhood kids will be safe playing with our blood-stained, maggot-filled, disease-ridden decomposing cadaver, as all bodies are BPA-free.
Contains small parts that are prone to dropping off at any moment, such as heads, shoulders, knees, and toes.
Dispose of the body bag immediately after opening as it may become a choking hazard for small children.
Must be used only on Halloween - either before or after may cause crippling emotional damage.
Customer reviews:
"Worked a (trick or) treat for scaring and scarring my kids and their friends!"
"Doug and Barbara from next door spent all year growing their haunted hedge maze but only our putrefying carcass kept the local counselor employed!"
"After seeing a two-headed body draped over our dividing fence, little Jimmy didn't come out of his house until Christmas!"
"My child has never been the same."

I'm Just Waiting to Get Something Unlocked at CVS

Tue, 22 Oct 2024 23:28:09 +0000

It's been three minutes since I hit the "Customer Service" button on the men's body wash case, yet I'm still waiting for an employee to come unlock it. Should I hit the button again? I'm going to hit the button again.
I apologize to all the shoppers who were enjoying Chris Martin's masterpiece 'Viva La Vida' until a robotic voice ruined the flow with, "Customer service needed in the skin care department." But I need this body wash - and, honestly, fungal cream, as well. Once they unlock the body wash, I'm also going to ask them to unlock that case for me. I'd rather not hit that button and alert the entire store to my toe thing.
Another two minutes have passed. Robin Thicke is playing. I don't know the name of the song. I'm considering wandering until I find an employee, but with my luck, they're already on their way and we'd pass each other like ships in the night. It's settled: I'm going to remain here until I get my body wash or really need to pee, whichever comes first. And I only kind of need to pee.
Is there anything else in the vicinity I can grab while I wait? I forgot to do a quick inventory of my toiletries before I left the house. Am I low on toothpaste? Huh, that's odd, the toothpaste isn't locked up. I wonder how CVS decides which products get locked up and which ones don't?
An article I read - well, a TikTok I saw - claimed they lock stuff because otherwise, homeless people steal it. To be clear, I'm not blaming the homeless. I don't hate them or think they're gross. I'm a good person. Ignore the fact that I walked right past someone outside begging for help, I'm in such a rush! (Which is why it's particularly frustrating that I've now been waiting six minutes.) I'm sure the staff here is overworked and underpaid, too, so I'll check my privilege.
Here I am, annoyed by having to wait a few extra minutes, while they have to
Forget all that, someone just hit the button in the family planning aisle, and an employee immediately appeared to help them unlock the condoms! This CVS location must have a vendetta against me. I never should've asked the pharmacist to ring up that Vitamin Water Zero when I was getting my prescriptions last month. I know that's not their job and still, I did it.
Or maybe certain sections in the store get immediate responses? The customer may need condoms this instant. Meanwhile, they assume that I can wait a little longer for body wash - especially because they don't know I need fungal cream as well. Don't get me wrong, the fungus isn't, like, super urgent. Though it could start to ooze.
Okay, I officially really need to pee, and it would be rude to hit the button a third time. I'm going home. I'll order the body wash (and fungal cream) on Amazon. It's not like I'll feel bad about hurting a local mom and pop shop, CVS is a billionaire-dollar corporation. Amazon probably owns them, anyway. But I'll always feel bad about interrupting 'Viva La Vida.'

Music Moments from the Year 2044

Tue, 22 Oct 2024 22:40:57 +0000

January 8: Kid Rock Runs Over Coors Light Cans in Mobility Scooter
When the Colorado brewery goes "politically correct" by donating .5 percent of that year's proceeds to public library renovations in underserved communities, Kid Rock burp-bellows proudly, "Fuck that shit." He then lines up dozens of Coors Light cans - which he says he definitely did not buy just for this - and runs them over in his diesel-powered mobility scooter. The 160 beat-per-minute crunches form the backbone of his new song, "Read My (White) Fist," ft. Tucker Carlson.
February 6: Classic Rock Station Finally Goes 24 Hours Without Playing "Back in Black"
After an impressive six-decade run on classic rock stations nationwide, a moment that no one thought would come finally does: AC/DC's biggest hit is daringly omitted from the airwaves for one day. The person responsible for it, WNCX Cleveland disc jockey Cal Friede, is promptly taken out back by station executives and shot in the leg.
But his cause is just, and he stands by his choice to instead play The Who's "Substitute." Friede quits and takes a more lucrative gig at 101.3 The Move, Chicago's Classic EDM.
March 10: First Artists Inducted into The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's Hall of Fame
Having built out the original hall all the way to the end of a dock on Lake Erie by 2039, the museum's board of directors constructs a second, more exclusive hall right on top of it. Chuck Berry, Elvis and everyone else in the inaugural class of 1986 are inducted. Meanwhile, this year's inductees in the original hall include Lil Wayne, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, and Dwayne Wade.
June 15: Flannel-Clad Alien Spills Pabst on Voyager Space Probe's Golden Record
Just a week before moving out of range of human contact, Voyager 1 is found by aliens not so different from ourselves, as one in flannel spills a can of Pabst on the Golden Record. The priceless item is salvaged, thankfully, due to planet Xorbia's few remaining record players being equipped with a rewind button for time itself. Still, gas cloud elders banish Gary to the eye of Jupiter's storm for one year.
August 17: "Woodstock 75" Performers Get Outdrank by Spry Keith Richards
Yep, he's still got it. The centenarian rocker concludes another memorable set with an unrivaled consumption of liquor, putting to shame the likes of Action Bronson and Creedence Clearwater Revisited Revival. Making his feat that much more impressive, Richards doesn't even partake in the suspended animation craze of 2031, which finds an eager participant in Mick Jagger.
Before exiting the stage triumphantly, Richards speaks with an eye to the future: "You best be ready for me in '69, Justin Bieber, Jr."
September 4: Trans-Siberian Orchestra Disbands Due to Melted Permafrost
In a first, global warming forces the end of a band, whose members become depressed in light of the news coming out of northern Russia: their namesake railroad is impassable in sections, and is no longer considered the world's longest. The group's final show includes neo-classical renditions of "Hot in Herre," "Hot Hot Hot," and Weezer's 2040 single, "Unfun - The Nobody Wears Sweaters Anymore Song." Meanwhile, rising sea levels threaten numerous Beach Boys tribute groups.
October 30: YouTuber Reacts to YouTuber Reacting to YouTuber Reacting to YouTuber Listening to "Pumped Up Kicks"
Jam band mandolin player Mike Stevens creates the internet's first known music reaction video four layers removed from its primary source material by sharing his thoughts on what a thrash metal bassist has to say about an 81-year-old Marine's response to a blind Miami DJ's opinion on the 2010 pop single. Stevens' video causes a six-month glitch where YouTube accounts with more than 1 million followers can't upload. The Great Clout Famine of 2045 ensues.
November 8: Taylor Swift's Octuple Platinum "Vote, Sweeties" Ensures Landslide Reelection
President Swift's campaign is seldom in trouble, with her biggest approval rating dip occurring after...

CARTOON: Spirited Connections

Fri, 18 Oct 2024 21:37:34 +0000

When You Forget That Person's Name

Fri, 18 Oct 2024 05:10:18 +0000

You're at a party and you spot That Person. That Person that you've definitely met a handful of times before because they're usually at these things when you are. They even came to your thing that one time, which was honestly so fucking cool and sweet of them, yet here is your rude little donkey ass unable to pull their dumb name out of your dumb brain overstuffed with random facts from your deep sea TikTok algorithm and that Salesforce training your closeted boss made you take years ago.
What is That Person's name?!?! You would S a goblin's D to know. They're coming closer. They beam at you with excitement and bellow, "Hey, [Your name]!"
Don't panic. Don't S a goblin's D. Instead, use any of the following options to get That Person to reveal their name naturally during the conversation:
Ask them how they spell their name.
Ask them where their name comes from.
Note: if you are white and they are non-white, this may be entering 'what kind of name is that?' territory. Go at your own risk.
Phone a friend and invite them to the party. When they arrive, the two of you enter a convo with That Person, during which you can cutely say, "Wait, sorry, have ya'll two met yet??" Those schmucks will intro right in front of you. Bump, set, spike.
Make plans to see the new Marvel movie together (there's one playing in theaters at all times per constitutional law) for which you'll need their phone number to coordinate. Create a new contact card in your phone and HAND IT TO THEM TO INPUT THEIR INFORMATION. Do NOT let them do that garbagio where they just type in their phone number and call themselves. Where does that leave you? With 10 deeply unhelpful digits and no one to see the new Marvel movie with, you loser.
Take them to a mirror to show them the new self-love affirmations you learned on the Calm app. You go: "I am [Your name] and I am enough." Now their turn! What a sucker! (For revealing their name, not for doing the affirmations. That shit works.)
Procure cocaine and snort some with That Person which will result in you two birthing a genius business idea. Create a joint business bank account for which you'll both have to enter your personal info. This one seems obvious.
Start blubbering loudly and sloppily in the corner until they notice. They'll come over to console you, asking, "What's wrong?" because That Person is seriously so genuine and kind and you're a piece of shit for not bothering to remember their name. You'll answer, "I got a new driver's license today and my photo SUCKS! It's SO fugly!!!!!" You show them the license. You actually have a shockingly flattering ID picture, and you know this already.
That Person, being the gem they are, will be all, "You think that's bad?! Look at this!" and this mfer will show you identification like you're the bouncer at 1 Oak. Easy.
Offer that person a shot, then another one, then switch to a different type of alcohol and take a couple more until the part of your brain that helps you make fun choices activates. Give in to the universe's plan reserved for people who are this specific level of drunk and you will find yourselves at a tattoo parlor where you will each get the other's name carved into your forearm.
For obvious reasons, refrain from getting a tramp stamp, as this will cause you to have to turn around like a dog chasing its tail every time you have to come up with That Person's name, defeating the purpose of this simple method.
Climb onto the kitchen counter and shout above the sea of people, "NEW PARTY GAME! Everyone must go by their name spelled backwards! Fun, right?!? OK - introduce yourselves!!!" Find That Person and solve the puzzle. Nyar? Ryan. Ativak? Kavita. Demmahom? Mohammed. Bob? Bob. Ysae? E-A-S-Y!
Text your most recent ex something crazy, it hardly matters what (though you probably have something you've been sitting on). Run over to That Person, brimming with panic and remorse, shoving your phone into their hands.
Go on and on about how you wish you could take ba...

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You, It's The Purge: Voter Rolls

Fri, 18 Oct 2024 04:44:12 +0000

"The Justice Department on Friday filed a lawsuit against Virginia, alleging that a state program aimed at removing people from the voter rolls, which Gov. Glenn Youngkin touted in an executive order in August, was implemented too close to the Nov. 5 elections and wrongfully included eligible voters." - Virginia Mercury, 10/14/2024
***
Universal Studios and Blumhouse Productions are excited to release a new Purge film just in time for spooky season (and Election Day!). Billed as the most frightening Purge cinematic experience yet because of how closely it follows real life, The Purge: Voter Rolls is sure to terrify viewers even more than its predecessors.
"Audiences have pretty much had their fill of dystopian violence in The Purge universe," a spokesperson for the movie said. "What really scares them more than anything at this point are reflections of reality. Authoritarianism and unapologetic betrayals of democracy? Keep your slashers and your jump scares - this is the horror of the future."
The film is rated R for intense language and disturbing depictions of gratuitous voter suppression.
No spoilers allowed, but here are some quotes from the trailer to whet your appetite for disenfranchisement:
"The unwritten Purge rule: Don't register more voters. Tonight, we remove voters. We make things manageable. Unfortunately, too many citizens are exercising their protected right, so we omit to keep things balanced."
"Our target for this year's purge is hiding in your home. You have one hour to give his information to us, or we will be removing all of your names from the voter rolls."
"Decriminalized civil rights violations - an outlet for American Rage."
"We will now purge. We will suppress your vote and violate your rights, remove your name and reduce your demographic's turnout. This is the American way."
"More low-income voter registrations are killed during the Purge than anyone else."
"Shhh. It's ok. Your soul has been cleansed. You've been purged. Just one question for you: Was his vote worth yours? Your family's?"
"Unwritten Purge rule is 'leave the rural county voter rolls alone.'"
"Incoming reports show this year's Purge has been the most successful to date, with the most legitimate voters removed ever."
And just for fun, try this new game to get into the seasonal spirit: Quote from the original Purge films or from a real Republican?
1. "We must stop her from poisoning our great country by taking away our freedoms."
2. "Help us purify this nation once and for all."
3. "Dirty voter rolls mean dirty elections. If you don't protect that vote, we are going to lose the foundations this country was built on."
4. "Recent reporting suggests that the growing anti-Purge sentiment may have a monumental effect on the upcoming presidential election."
5. "With the support of our Attorney General, we will defend these commonsense steps, that we are legally required to take, with every resource available to us."
6. "He will not leave this to the voters. He does not believe in the American system."
7. "You're gonna cost me the White House."
8. "He got this whole thing pushed through Congress. Well, you got protests all over the place now."
9. "We are watching you. That's why I'm doing what small thing I can do to try to clean up the rolls. … I do want people to understand that they are being looked at."
10. "Come on. We both know there's no easy answer where somebody, some group doesn't suffer."
11. "So sad! What has happened to our once Great Country?"
12. "Tonight allows people a release for all the hatred and violence that they keep up inside them."
13. "I hope you feel cleansed. Blessed be America, a nation reborn."
14. "We are going to use this year's Purge to do some spring cleaning, gentlemen."
15. "If we're going to save our elections and save our country, we have to get involved. We can't just be angry about it. We have to get our hands dirty."
16. "The soul of our country is at stake."
17. "Just remember all the good the purge ...

Counting Down the Days Until the Election with My Donald Trump Advent Calendar

Thu, 17 Oct 2024 00:16:16 +0000

It's almost Election Day in the United States and I've been counting down until November 5th using my Donald Trump advent calendar. Every day I've opened a fun, Trump-themed gift, some of the highlights include:
A bumper sticker of Calvin pissing on John McCain's grave.
A Trump University degree (that's how you get one now - an advent calendar).
A Rudi Giuliani Fortnite skin. He sweats hair dye and other players can get stuck in it.
I got to put my cat's name on a brick in the US/Mexico border wall.
A vial of dirt taken from the U.S. Capitol on January 6.
'Hang Mike Pence - the board game'.
A folder of documents marked 'Classified'.
Solar eclipse glasses with the lenses popped out.
An Ashli Babbitt Funko POP (with a 1 in 100 chance of pulling a Deadpool as Ashli Babbitt chase Funko POP).
Multiple cans of Coke from the 'Share a Coke' marketing campaign that say 'Share a Coke with Ivana', 'Share a Coke with Marla', 'Share a Coke with Melania', and 'Share a Coke with Stormy'.
A 'Nuke the Hurricanes' t-shirt.
A bottle of ketchup specifically for steaks.
33,000 emails from Hillary Clinton.
Concepts of plans.
An 810 of Kim Jong-un signed by his secretary.
$5 gift card to the Trump Store in Gatlinburg, TN.
Kid Rock's 2010 album 'Born Free' with a $13.99 Best Buy price tag still on it.
A roll of paper towels to use in the event of a hurricane.
Dr. Fauci's coordinates.
I'm hoping the gift on November 6 is a newspaper with the headline 'KAMALA HARRIS WINS' and also maybe a story about McDonald's bringing back All Day Breakfast cause I miss having a sausage McGriddle at three in the afternoon.

Other Things We Should be Controlling Instead of the Weather

Tue, 15 Oct 2024 22:59:18 +0000

The USA is wasting a lot of time creating and sending hurricanes, tornadoes and lantern flies to scare patriots during this election season. Think about it, our government is controlling hurricanes to hit red states when they could be controlling so much stuff for this great country.
I was just saying to my friend RealPatriot148296494 and he said, like, the government could be controlling high prices by having the government come in and control production of goods, and distribution, setting reasonable prices that all good Americans can afford. Otherwise we might wind up like one of those Third World communist countries. After a few hours and beers, we decided what else the government should be controlling:
Chem Trails
Instead of having chem trails from planes spread chemicals to control our minds, why don't they spread scented sprays like peppermint or pine or freshly mowed grass? I think that would be nice.
Ghosts
I think we're all tired hearing about ghosts and spooks and poltergeists running around haunting people and places. There's something the Deep State needs to take care of.
Bigfoot
Seriously, how is Bigfoot still a thing? And how is he not fighting for us in the Middle East?
Clancy, the guy who lives down the block
I mean, look at this guy, trash piled up in his driveway, his house painted half green, half orange. He flies like twelve different flags and NOT ONE of them is the stars and stripes. He's bringing the whole cul-de-sac down. There's no HOA to keep him in line, I think the government should be doing it. And don't get me started about all his dogs!
My Rent
I'm paying money through the nose to keep a roof over my head. We need some way to stop rent from being so high, some kind of rent control!
Bad Drivers
I mean, we've all seen it, right? After the PLAN-demic, once people got back on the road, they've all forgotten how to drive! People just zip in and out of lanes without signaling. They beep at you at red lights even though they are five cars back. They treat entrance ramps like launch pads into traffic. But I run a stop sign and the cops give me a ticket! The nerve! We need to control these Sunday drivers every day of the week!
Powerball
What is the deal with these super-big lottery prizes? And why is only one person winning it? Can we have more winners? Instead of one winner for 800 billion have 800 winners for 1 billion. Why is this something we even have to bring up?
Armed Immigrants
All these dangerous immigrants are streaming over the border and then go and buy a bunch of guns and then they start terrorizing real Americans. How can we allow these foreigners just enter this country and buy guns? Maybe control that somehow.

SUPPORTER UPDATES

Tue, 15 Oct 2024 21:01:08 +0000

JUST ABOUT TO GO ONTO THE STAGE and face my opponent at tonight's debate. And folks, I have never been more scared. Not of my opponent. Nor of the awe-inspiring responsibility of representing this proud district. But of spiders. Specifically, brown recluses. Yes, I know, very little venom, but they just freak me out okay? #VoteErnestRyan
JUST STEPPED OFF STAGE during the midpoint of the debate with my rival, and folks, never have the differences between us been starker. Don't really have time to go into it right now - mid-debate, remember? - but… wow. Just wow. Yikesville, amirite? Join the movement at #VoteErnestRyan
JUST GOT OFF THE STAGE with my counterpart, let me tell you this race has never been tighter. And yet more in your hands. Your hands if they contain money, that is - was that metaphor clear? So hard to tell tone online. Anyhooo, so yeah, tight race. Need your support RIGHT NOW! Literally. They charge us 5x as much for all caps. #voteernestryan
JUST STEPPED BACK ONTO THE STAGE to demand a rematch with my nemesis, and wow, folks, this race is on! And here's the best part: An *Anonymous Donor* has agreed to match every dollar raised in the next hour… or double every donation made in Nazi gold. He's an odd guy, this donor. #VoteErnestRyan
ONE FOOT ON THE STAGE, ONE FOOT OFF, signaling to my bete noire, "Ready to face you anytime," while also signaling to the venue organizers, "I know it's been three hours. I'm leaving. Please call off the gentlemen with the Dobermans and tasers." I think I'm out of characters #VoteErnestRya
JUST STEPPED ONTO ANOTHER STAGE for a campaign rally, where the air is electric. Literally. These state fairs haven't been up to code since there was a code. Sparks, fire, smoke, terror and screams everywhere. Makes you want to go home and hug your children. If only mine were still speaking to me. #VoteErnestRyanOrIllResumeDrinking
WAS JUST LIKE ON SOOO MANY STAGES, five states in three days, bruh. How much chili can one man judge? Well thank God at least that that that whole "baby-kissing" thing went out because of the pandemic. Thank yoooou, Wuhan Lab! This is just a draft, right? #DammitShelleyISaidSaveNotSend
JUST HAD A DREAM WHERE I WAS STEPPING ON A STAGE, but it was to become President of the United States. That's right, I was standing right at the heart of… I wanna say, "President-Dome?" Mental note: Bone up on this stuff before shaking up Washington. #JustVoteForMeMan
JUST CAME OUT OF THE VOTING BOOTH, and… my campaign probably should have come up with some snappy way to help people remember who to vote for. #VoteForAnyoneButSpiders

James Joyce Dubliners' Short Story or Woodstock Performer

Fri, 11 Oct 2024 22:14:00 +0000

1. The Sister
2. Canned Heat
3. Quill
4. An Encounter
5. Eveline
6. Two Gallants
7. Mountain
8. Country Joe McDonald
9. Ivy Day in the Committee Room
10. The Dead
11. A Little Cloud
12. Ravi Shankar
Dubliners: 1, 4,5,6,9, 11
Woodstock: 2,3, 7,8,12
Both: 10

The Startling Decline of a Beloved Children's Series

Fri, 11 Oct 2024 21:38:08 +0000

The Berenstain Bears' Go Out for the Team
The Berenstain Bears' Do Their Homework
The Berenstain Bears' Mind Their Manners
The Berenstain Bears' Take Turns
The Berenstain Bears' Get Involved
The Berenstain Bears' Say Their Prayers
The Berenstain Bears' Want You to Say Your Prayers
The Berenstain Bears' Reject the Devil's Music
The Berenstain Bears' Switch to Homeschooling
The Berenstain Bears' Discover 4chan
The Berenstain Bears' Affirm that Wives Are Subject to Their Husbands
The Berenstain Bears' Won't Say 'Gay'
The Berenstain Bears' Engage in Legitimate Political Discourse
The Berenstain Bears' Storm the Capitol
The Berenstain Bears' Do Their Own Vaccine Research
The Berenstain Bears' Defy a Congressional Subpoena

Getting Smashed At Your Monster Mash

Fri, 11 Oct 2024 19:49:28 +0000

Crack O' Lantern: You've heard about using an apple as a bong, but how about using a hollow pumpkin for smoking some crack? Just don't do it on your front porch, maybe.
Inedibles: Holiday revealers love spotting a plate of pot cookies and brownies, but often you turn around for five minutes and suddenly they're all gone! Save yourself from this awkward situation by adding THC to horrifying Halloween items that most will recoil from eating, like chocolate covered bugs, expired candy from that Hindu health food store. those weird looking Halloween cookies your kid makes every year etc.
Trick Or Treatment Center: This one is fun, and helps you get your steps in for the day. Just visit any friends who are currently an inpatient at a hospital or treatment center. When they eventually doze off, just grab any of their medications that you can and get the heck out of there!
Bobbing For Snapple: This is simply one part your favorite Snapple flavor, nine parts Everclear; the bobbing (and weaving) comes after a couple of glasses.
Axe-tasy: Ecstasy, but amped up to an amazing level. Hours and hours of a pure, sensual high. A small percentage of users will instead grab an axe and go on a viscous murder spree, but again, that's just a small percentage.
The Masque Of The Red Meth: Make Halloween last for a week with this holiday favorite! When it gets late and trick or treaters stop ringing the doorbell, just grab a few bags of candy and take them directly to the kids!

Spooky Season: Three Hidden Pitfalls of Halloween

Wed, 09 Oct 2024 00:01:38 +0000

Spooky season is well and truly upon us, ladies and gentlemen. (Wait, how would the Crypt Keeper say that? "Scabies and mental men"?) Seems like you can't go a block these days without seeing one of those giant spider webs attached to someone's house, looking like a very poorly thought-out fire escape. "Bela Lugosi's Dead" has been playing on a loop in my neighbor's apartment for three days now.
Even at the grocery store, you can buy all those classic spooky cereals you remember from childhood: Manson Crunch, Dahmer Nibbles, and Honey Bunches of Gacy.
And all this is great, in my opinion. I'm glad Halloween is finally rising up as the king of all holidays and kicking Christmas' pasty ass. Give me Freddy and Jason over Frosty and Rudolph any day. We're almost to the point where suburban moms named Jennifer are making it lame, but we're not there yet. So I'm enjoying this era while it lasts.
But with great Halloween comes great responsibility, and there are a few pitfalls we need to address before they get further out of hand and diminish the impact of this sacred time.
1. DECORATIVE INFLATABLE WITCHES CAN BE EMBARRASSING FROM CERTAIN ANGLES, AND WE NEED TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT.
Witches are a big part of Halloween decorating, and that's as it should be. They're OG creepy characters and public domain to boot! Plus, they're women, so, like, diversity. Why should murder and evil and mayhem be just for the dudes? Give the gals a chance! But we need to be careful here because witches are often depicted riding around on broomsticks.
While this can be an effective image, it can also be embarrassing if the back half of the broom - the part with the bristles - is not clearly visible from all angles. If it isn't, what we see is some lady holding a big brown shaft in her hands. Usually, she's looking down and smiling broadly, like this is the greatest thing that ever happened to her. That's kind of a lot to process if you're a pedestrian who's just admiring the Halloween inflatables in your neighborhood.
My suggestion: turn those witches sideways so that the entire broom is visible from the sidewalk. Unless you want to keep it sexy. In that case, keep giving us that frontal view. I mean, kids have to learn about this stuff eventually.
2. THE AUDIO-ANIMATRONIC MONSTERS FROM SPIRIT HALLOWEEN ARE WAY TOO LOUD (AND LONG).
We've all been in this situation. You're casually strolling through the local Spirit Halloween when you see the mechanical Grim Reaper guy with the Iron Maiden-album-cover-looking face. And he's wearing a black robe and holding a scythe, and there's a big button next to him marked "TRY ME."
So, naturally, you do. And what happens?
You get THE LOUDEST NOISE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. It sounds like a garbage truck having rough, unprotected sex with a stump grinder as the Grim Reaper comes to "life" and starts doing his little "act" for you.
"AH HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!!!! FOOLISH MORTAL!!!! YOU HAVE AWOKEN COUNT CORPSE-ULA, DEVOURER OF CHILDREN!!!!!!"
And now people are starting to notice. How can they help it? As far as they know, a jumbo jet is taking off in the middle of Spirit Halloween. There's a lady a few feet away picking out a Bluey costume for her now-crying daughter, and she's staring daggers at you. And you feel like a creep because you're the one who made all this happen. And is the Iron Maiden guy done? No, he is not. His spiel has a ways to go.
"AND I WILL MOLEST YOUR DREAMS AND GIVE HERPES TO YOUR SOUL AND SELL YOUR SANITY ON CRAIGSLIST FOR AN INSULTINGLY LOW PRICE!!!!!!"
Are you obligated to stand there and wait until he's done? Would it be rude to walk away? Please, Spirit Halloween, don't put us in this awkward position.
3. THREE SIMPLE WORDS: TOO. MUCH. CLOWNS.
It's happened, America. We're at peak clown. The clown apotheosis, if you will. Everywhere you go, it's a veritable clowngasm of light-up noses, rainbow wigs, and oversized shoes. Quite simply, clowns have won Halloween. Joker and Pennywis...

Twelve Other and Maybe Better Ways We Could Be Choosing Members of Congress.

Fri, 04 Oct 2024 19:00:13 +0000

Another nasty electoral season is upon us, and Americans' disapproval of members of Congress continues to plummet. Accordingly, I provide as a public service a survey of alternate methods of selecting Senators and members of the House of Representatives.
AI: Ask ChatGPT to pick the best Americans to become new members of Congress. Pro: The first practical use case for A.I. Con: In preliminary testing, rather than naming eligible residents of the designated district, ChatGPT spit out Millard Fillmore, Donald Duck, and an anthropomorphic, impressionist-style painting of a jar of peanut butter.
Lottery: Every PowerBall ticket buys not only a shot at big bucks, but also a chance to spend years of your life attending speechifiying-filled Congressional committee hearings concerning excruciating legislative minutia. Pro: Easy to administer. Con: Would significantly depress lottery revenue.
Game show: Candidates play "The Price Is Right" for federal budget items. Pro: Congressional appropriation process would be run by know-it-all policy wonks. Con: Congressional appropriation process would be run by know-it-all policy wonks.
Social Media: Congressional seats would go to the candidates amassing the greatest number of follows and likes. Pro: Transparent results tabulated in real time. Con: Congress filled entirely by Beautubers, Russian trolls, and house cats.
High School Prom Court: Candidates strut their stuff and pander to the audience in the crassest, most juvenile terms imaginable. Pro: Would get great TV ratings. Con: Does not materially differ from current selection method.
Wealth: Individuals with highest income in each district according to IRS records. Pro: Might encourage billionaires to cheat less on their taxes in order to be eligible for Congress. Con: Washington, DC-area economy decimated when thousands of lobbyists bagmen water-carriers for the super-rich "issue advocates" get thrown out of work.
Thunderdome: For each seat, all candidates enter, one candidate leaves. Pro: Reduction of the total number of politicians, plus, increased use of the term "halberd" in political commentary. Con: Senate Majority Leader Hulk Hogan.
Hunger Games-style reaping: The names of one man and one woman from each district drawn at random; for each additional ticket entered, an individual receives a rent payment, free doctor's visit, or week's worth of groceries. Pro: Would finally get the voice of everyday folks into Congress. Con: According to research consisting entirely of thought experiments conducted by American Billionaires for a Fair Economy, the possibility of free stuff for poor people would end life on earth as we know it.
Spinner wheel: A wheel is constructed with names of all citizens and spun. Pro: Materials from border wall could be repurposed to make giant selection wheels. Con: Even more expensive and less functional than the border wall.
Reality TV: Steamy intrigue as the hottest candidates compete for an extensive Capitol engagement. Pro: the chance to shake up congressional relationships mid-term. Watch out Mike Johnson, a hot new bombshell just entered the villa. Con: Joe Manchin is about to get his head turned again.
Drawing straws: Aspiring candidates draw straws for Congressional seats. Pro: Quick and fair. Con: difficulty of getting public consensus on plastic versus paper straws.
Written Examinations: All eligible adults invited to take tests on topics such as defense policy and the federal tax system; top scorers in each district selected. Pro: Higher probability of informed governance. Con: Nation's jobless numbers permanently increased due to unemployability of Lauren Boebert, Jim Jordan, and Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Potential Reasons Why People Leave Donald Trump's Rallies Early: In Order from Most Likely to Least Likely

Fri, 04 Oct 2024 18:39:24 +0000

The rally up to this point, has been chock full of relevant points and wonderful historical perspectives on the current state of politics that it cannot possibly get any better than it is at this very moment.
Imbued by love and support of their rally community, the undeniable devotion and camaraderie is simply overwhelming. All twenty six attendees spontaneously break out into a rousing version of Lee Greenwood's 'Proud to be an American,' as everyone floats euphorically to their non-hybrid vehicles.
There is a pride parade in town the following morning and houses and lawns aren't going to decorate themselves.
Scientifically speaking, a side effect of seeing too many red 'MAGA,' hats can lead to nausea and restless asshole syndrome.
The merchandise stand only accepts Confederate currency and as the one Trump supporter who has PayPal, you start to feel uncomfortable.
Purposely mispronouncing Ka-ma-la was hilarious the first four hundred and sixty two times he said it, but it's gotten a tad stale.
All this talk about Joe Biden is starting to get creepy when you consider he's no longer the candidate. The "lock her up," chants from 2015 are still topically relevant and completely hilarious though.
Part of the terms of probation require the attendants to be in their homes at a certain hour.
They need to check on their pets. You know, migrants and all?
Scott Baio was a promised guest but instead they got the pillow guy.
Hatred, in any form, is exhausting and counterproductive to creating a better life for you and those around you.
Donald Trump has absolutely no clue what he is talking about and he doesn't actually care about you.

How My Trip Abroad Went, Translated

Tue, 01 Oct 2024 20:40:52 +0000

The flight went by so fast, I barely noticed it. = There was a 30-minute window where I was certain I was going to die.
No, the jet lag didn't bother me one bit. = I've never had worse sleep in my life.
Ah! The food was so amazing. = I was unable to move my bowels for three whole days.
Oh and the wine! Some of the best I've ever had! = It was fine.
It's such a beautiful city! = We never ventured past the tourist traps.
And their buildings have so much history! = Is a normal working toilet too much to ask?
I couldn't believe how walkable the city was! = I couldn't wait to come home and sit on the couch.
And their public transportation is so extensive! = We got off on the wrong stop and ended up 45-minutes late to dinner.
Everybody spoke English too! = I asked for a dessert menu and was handed a plate of cheese.
I loved how laid back everyone is! = It took an hour to flag down the waiter for our bill.
Everybody was so nice and hospitable. = I'm positive the cab driver called me a slur.
And there's nothing like traveling with friends. = We fought the entire time.
We got to see some breathtaking sites = We waited in a line for two hours, got a quick picture and then left.
We must've walked at least five miles every day! = We walked five miles every day.
I need a vacation from my vacation. = I hate myself.
Thankfully, I planned ahead and scheduled some down time. = I got sick and spent an entire day watching CNN International in my hotel room.
I couldn't believe how fast the trip went = It was the longest two weeks of my life.
I'm already planning my next trip! = I'm never doing this again.

Ways To Make The Vice Presidential Debate More Entertaining…

Tue, 01 Oct 2024 19:36:56 +0000

Each nominee answers questions from a dunk tank seat.
Secretly spray JD Vance's wardrobe with catnip prior to the debate, then unleash several dozen cats during a particularly slow, boring part.
Replace typical debate format / moderators with format and host of that hot wing eating interview show.
Hire a professional tattoo artist to give Tim Walz a face tattoo during the debate.
Each third question of the debate replaced by a hacky sack contest between the nominees.
Microphones kept on at all times during this debate, to hopefully catch all of the nervous tummy toots.
Allow an audience, but only an audience similar to a Jerry Springer show type crowd.
Occasional interruptions from Nickelodeon's green slime.
Free REO Speedwagon tickets for the tenth caller.
Broadcast debate only via PornHub.

READ THE EMPEROR PALPATINE INDICTMENT

Fri, 27 Sep 2024 21:56:24 +0000

If the recent indictments of New York mayor Eric Adams have you feeling glum because of its total lack of meat, remember, things in another universe could be even worse; for example, this…
READ THE EMPEROR PALPATINE INDICTMENT
Long long ago, in a galaxy far, far away… SHEEV PALPATINE, the defendant, became a Galactic Senator. Thereafter, for nearly a decade, PALPATINE sought and accepted improper valuable benefits, such as luxury intergalactic travel, including from wealthy Trade Federation businesspeople. By the year 19 BBY, PALPATINE - who had by then made known his plans to overthrow the Galactic Senate and instill an Empire - not only accepted, but sought illegal benefits from Trade Federation officials.
As PALPATINE's prominence and power grew, his Trade Federation benefactors sought to cash in on their corrupt relationships with him, particularly when, in 19 BBY, it became clear that PALPATINE would become Emperor.
Please note: the following indictment does not include PALPATINE's successful efforts to overthrow the Galactic Republic, orchestrate the murder of thousands of Jedi during Order 66, inspire the murder of dozens of children at the Jedi Temple on Coruscant in 19 BBY, create an unsanctioned moon-sized space station with the power to destroy full planets, personally murder four Jedi Masters, attempt to murder the head of the Jedi Council, inspire the murder the entirety of the Trade Federation, and
exact a mass extinction of the people of Alderaan.
This indictment is about something far more important: financial impropriety.
Please see below for a full list of crimes.
Year
Destination
Benefits
Disclosed
32 BBY
Naboo
Free upgrade to business class for one on roundtrip from Coruscant to Naboo
No
19 BBY
Mustafar
Free business class ticket for one on roundtrip from Coruscant to Mustafar; heavily discounted stay in Bentley Suite of St. Regis Mustafar
No
Buy WALKER, Sam Pasternack's debut novel TODAY!

P. Diddy's Tips for Throwing a Successful Freak Off

Thu, 26 Sep 2024 21:16:33 +0000

If it's your first Freak Off, I do not recommend live streaming. Better to edit out all those "messy mishaps" and share it later on.
No matter how much he begs - and he will, believe that shit - do not invite Kanye. Or Armie Hammer.
Have plenty of lubricants on hand. Hotel kitchen staff gets pissed off when you pilfer their Crisco.
If Donald Trump shows up, don't brag about it on your social. He will deny ever having met you and will claim he has no idea what an "industrial strength enema bag" is.
There should be plenty of snacks available. Unsliced cucumbers have proven very popular at my events.
There is no need to hire a balloon animal artist, no matter how much "fun" you think it will add to the festivities.
On the other hand, a caricaturist can provide some nifty one-of-a-kind party take-homes.
When providing snacks for those attending the freak off, please have plenty of scoopable chips for dipping. Some of these ladies are fairly young, so it's either that or they'll need to wear bibs.
Now that I'm thinking about it, probably best to not invite MC Hammer as well; don't want his "Can't Touch This" rhetoric influencing the ladies.
Don't allow our female "guests" to claim that the rope burns on their wrists are from Taylor Swift fan friendship bracelets. We don't want her coming after us too.
I was responsible for Biggie's death. Oops. Delete that one please.
With the right crowd, a Ping-Pong tournament can prove to be unforgettable.
If things get way out of hand and you have to clear out the joint, have the DJ (yes, you'll need one of those) put on the theme from "Gomer Pyle." Or one of my records.
Nobody cares about dessert, but stock up on Reddi Whip anyway.
You can never have enough ice.

I Can't Afford to Pay Employees a Living Wage and Still Take Home $9,000,000 a Year Making Egg Salad Sandwiches

Thu, 26 Sep 2024 20:43:24 +0000

I don't know what happened, we used to be able to hire staff at fifty cents, maybe four bucks an hour (for supervisors) but now, this crazy woke world, we're having a heck of a time hiring staff.
Or maybe only relying on selling a million egg salad sandwiches a day for $3.40 each is an unrealistic business model.
You're probably wondering how I arrived at that business model. I figured out how much money I wanted to pocket after gross, how much I had to pay for eggs, mayonnaise, and three kinds of questionable bread, what the marketing and real estate costs were, and worked backward from there. I think at some point I reached into my pocket, found two quarters, and that's where the salary rate came from.
I always assumed my employees were street urchins, diseased hobos or a prince who came to America to see how the other half lives to learn valuable life lessons before assuming the rightful throne and continuing his family's reign of terror under the crushing weight of authoritarianism for the next 40 years.
I don't know when we started hiring responsible adults with families to support, but they took the job, and now, for them to decide that a "livable" wage should be part of the business model - that's just outrageous. Outrageous, I tell you! Since when does "Living Wage" have any relation to the actual cost of buying things to stay alive? Next you'll be telling me it's unfair to not pay writers or actors for a streaming show, even though it's easier to track viewership than in any other medium.
Teaching the servers to scoop just the right amount, dropping it in just the right spot on the lettuce, which, in turn, is centered in just the right spot on the toast - all this is difficult, which is why people come to Nothing But Egg Salad, the nation's number one spot for egg salad sandwiches.
It's only reasonable that we deduct the cost of our training programs from a new employee's salary. Once that $6,000 is paid off, and the probationary period is over, staff can make up to $3.10 an hour within four months. More, if they waive the health insurance. (Note: We do not give sick days or vacation days, but we don't open until 11 a.m. so that means staff members are encouraged to use that time to shower.
At home.) We only deduct a reasonable $4.00 eating charge per each three-hour shift.
And then the media asks, But Sir or Madam, do you need to keep so much for yourself?
So let me ask: Isn't this how business works? If you deposit $100 in a bank, doesn't the bank teller get to decide how much will be deposited and how much he gets to keep?
Meanwhile, we're all aware the price of eggs has gone up 500%. This means I have to cut costs somewhere - if you have an egg salad sandwich shop with no eggs in the egg salad, you're just a Subway. I hope you aren't claiming that workers are more important than chickens. I hope you are not suggesting some Sweeney Todd scenario. We are not a Subway. People don't realize how hard it is to make egg salad. It's also very important to serve it fresh. (Lessons learned.)
As I write this, I await the launch of my new space rocket. Many people have criticized me for hiring street urchins for building it instead of actual qualified engineers, but let me tell you: What those engineers expect to be paid is scandalous, marginally. I know more than they do, having built the world's largest egg salad sandwich chain as well as the world's largest egg salad sandwich. Anyway, these things aren't really supposed to really fly, right?

Diary of a Jealous Landlord

Wed, 25 Sep 2024 18:08:30 +0000

June 15, 2023
Dear Diary, the cute guy (Mark) that has been texting me about unit 1F seems really interested. He might even stop by tonight! I know it seems quick, but I have a good feeling.
June 16, 2023
OMG he was even cuter in person. He loved the unit and asked if there was a spot in the garage available. I was so nervous that I just blurted out yes.
Now I just need to tell Sue from 3R to find parking somewhere else. I'm pretty sure she's faking that limp anyways.
June 31, 2023
It's almost here - move in day! I can't wait for Mark and me to start this new chapter in our life, even if we are two floors apart.
October 3, 2023
Dear Diary, sorry I've been MIA. It's been a rough few months.
Long story short, sometimes Mark can be so stupid. We have basically lived together for a few months, yet he only calls when he needs something.
Why is it always "My apartment smells like gas again" and not "How's your day goin and that new haircut really frames your face well and by the way can you fix this gas leak because you're like really resourceful?"
October 15, 2023
I think I heard a girl in his unit. Maybe it's just his sister?
Update: I saw her and she isn't even cute. Maybe I should add a "No ugly girls" clause to the lease.
October 17, 2023
Sue from 3R submitted a noise complaint. Apparently Mark had a little party and they were up blasting music and laughing until 3am. Guess who wasn't invited?
I told Sue to buy a noise machine and to stop trying to make me jealous.
October 19, 2023
Mark got a cat. A fucking cat! I know I said pets were fine, but this just feels like a decision we should have made together. Men can be so selfish.
October 20, 2023
I smelled cigarette smoke coming from Mark's apartment. Why would he hide this from me? Is it because of the $50 smoking penalty? Or does he just not trust me?
Nov 1, 2023
I bet he doesn't even remember what day it is today.
November 2, 2023
Mark texted me that there's no hot water in his unit. Is this the hint I've been waiting for?
November 5, 2023
Mark seems pretty mad about the hot water and doesn't understand why it's taking so long for me to get it fixed. It's like he's not even being subtle anymore - he is DEFINITELY trying to send me a hint
November 6, 2023
Mark is withholding rent until I get the hot water fixed. Is it possible that I misread this whole thing?
Nov 8, 2023
Good news! Mark said there's a ton of mold from the leaky water heater. Maybe he's been so cold towards me because the spores are messing with his head!
Nov 9, 2023
I wonder what our kids would look like. And whose apartment would we move into? Maybe I could kick Sue out and knock down the wall between our units to make one big unit for our whole family.
Nov 15, 2023
Dear Diary, I am done with men!
Between the water heater and mold, Mark said the unit is a hazard for him and his stupid cat. He had to go to the emergency room or something and bla bla bla.
Now he's breaking his lease. WHY ARE MEN SO AFRAID OF COMMITMENT!?!?
December 3, 2023
I found some old paint in the basement that I used to cover up the mold (it wasn't even THAT bad - especially compared to the mold in 3R). I want the place to look perfect for the guy who's coming to look at the unit this week. I hope he's cute…

What I Think J.D. Vance's Initials Stand For, Based on His Candidacy So Far

Wed, 25 Sep 2024 02:22:56 +0000

Joyless Dud
Jinxed Decision
Jingoistic Dumbass
Jerry-rigged Demagogue
Juris Dorkus
Jilted Dolphin
Jaw-dropping Disaster
Jagweed Douche
Jejune Doormat
Janky Doodle
"Joking" Dehumanizer
Juiceless Drag
Jerkoff Davenport
Jesus Disappointment
Judgmental Dick
Jabroni Dew
Jarring Deception
Just-Whatever-Makes-Sense Doug
hnut
Jonald Drump

Letting You Know That a Porn Account Is Impersonating You and That I Did NOT Pay It $183 for Feet Pic

Fri, 20 Sep 2024 22:39:01 +0000

Hey, how's it going, girl from my high school? It's been a while. Hope everything's hunky-dory. I just wanted to inform you that some sicko using your social media pictures followed me with the hopes that I'd buy lewd content from them. Gross, right? I knew this was a scam right away, which is why I came to you first instead of spending my entire week's paycheck on some bare feet photos. Ew, yucky!
Yep. As soon as I got the message, "Does my sexy little cupcake want to take a suck on mommy's toeys?" it was an instant report. Wasn't going to be fooled that easily. I'm sure some sad loser who used to crush on you would have immediately torn up the apartment in search of their wallet like a crazed jackal looking to get some hot foot action, but not me!
Honestly, so not cool of this person to use your images without your consent. Even worse for them to promise me a great deal on 10 pairs of stinky worn socks if I gave them my full legal name, home address, credit card info, and social security number. I mean, who's so desperately horny to fall for that one?
Sorry I didn't reach out sooner. I was on the phone arguing with my bank for the past 3 hours due to reasons that are not important to elaborate on. What is important is that we take this account down pronto. Don't want anyone's family photo albums to be deleted by malware because they clicked a link for what they thought was going to be you doing ASMR foot play dressed as Lola Bunny, which is what I'm presuming will happen as I did not click the link.
Just know that I'm going to do everything in my power to help you get this imposter account removed from the internet because I care about you. Platonically, of course. Also, it would be best to get ahead of this perp in case, theoretically, they have any embarrassing nudes that were sent to them by a naive but well-meaning guy and are currently being used as blackmail.
Off-topic: but if, for whatever reason, you are sent any explicit photos of me greased up in canola oil or a video of me dancing naked to LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It", it's AI generated.
Also watch out for any clearly photoshopped DMs where I say some crazy nonsense like, "I want to choke on your socks", or "Oh God! Please crush my testicles with your smelly feet", or "Yes! I love you and have always loved you!" They are not to be believed.
Fingers crossed that we'll get this all sorted out and that the people who were defrauded will get their checking accounts reimbursed, whoever they may be. So sorry this is how we had to catch up. Hope you're doing well otherwise!
P.S. just so you're aware, if you ever did decide to create a feet account that specialized in Lola Bunny or anime cosplay, I wouldn't judge.

Diddy Lyrics That, In Hindsight, Revealed What Combs Was Up To

Wed, 18 Sep 2024 23:35:55 +0000

"Hey, thanks for being a fan!
Now please get into the van.
Enjoy a blunt I just rolled,
And I'll apply this lil blindfold."
"C'mon girl, shake that rump,
I can introduce you to Donnie Trump!
Since Epstein was arrested,
Teen girls have gone unmolested."
"You girls have run away from your homes?
Nice to meet ya, I'm Sean John Combs.
Just now in town, and already meeting a star!
Now please join the others in the trunk of this car."
"Forget Eminem, and forget Ice Cube,
Me, I'm Diddy, you old enough to have pubes?"
"The word on the street?
Girl, I'm really dope.
I've got guys for you to meet,
Don't struggle against the rope."
"Lil lady, I can hear your heart,
All the guys you meet are janky.
I can get you a fresh start,
Just breathe into this hankie."

"I Thought It Would Be Easier for You to Drop Everything and Cater to My Needs" - An Impromptu, Unnecessary Desk-Side Check-in With Your Co-

Wed, 18 Sep 2024 02:33:32 +0000

"I Thought it Would Be Easier for You to Drop Everything and Cater to My Needs" - An Impromptu, Unnecessary Desk-Side Check-In with Your Co-Worker
Do you have a minute? You're answering numerous emails and Slack messages while also trying to pay attention to a Zoom meeting so I can see the answer is no, but I'm going to take more of your limited bandwidth anyway. I want to address an email I sent you that can easily wait until tomorrow or later in the week.
You know, after you've tied up the dozens upon dozens of loose ends on these projects you've been working on for months? The ones that have demanded an unconscionable amount of overtime, forcing you to postpone vacation and other much needed moments of respite? Like I said, it'll only take a minute or twenty. Let's go over it now while I hover on the wall of your cubicle like a carrion bird with eyes trained on its next meal. Sound good? No? Super!
As you can see, my inquiry regards a matter of comparative irrelevance. It barely merits reading, let alone an immediate cessation of work that might very well keep the company afloat during this rocky period. Still, my connection to your direct supervisor, acting as both their intermediary and de facto proxy, essentially mandates that you give me your full and undivided attention right this very second.
Everything you're doing now is directly related to the work they've assigned, and they know the unreasonable mental and physical toll it's been taking on you. But remember, I can easily misconstrue any moment of understandable frustration on your part towards me as a gesture of indirect passive aggressiveness towards them. Please completely ignore your problems so you can focus on mine.
Let's move on to item number two. This is even more superfluous than the prior point, but by standing here flaunting my position of preeminence, I can sate my ego and pretend my work here has any degree of importance that is on par with what you're doing. A lifetime of stumbling my way ass backwards into positions of power have reinforced my unconscious belief that I haven't essentially had everything handed to me like the legacy student at Harvard Business School that I was.
Remind me to bore you to tears about my time there on your lunch break, the sole moment of peace you're going to have before strapping in for an EOD that won't come until some indeterminate point after midnight. The only thing worse than heading home at that ungodly hour is realizing you have no one to share your home with once you get there. Who has time for a relationship with the hours you put in? But at least the cab rides are reimbursable. You are remembering to save the receipts, right?
This brings us to point number three, the one that indirectly calls you out for your slowness to respond. This implies that I consider your inability to cater to my every whim at the drop of a hat disrespectful, or even insubordinate. Sure, you could accurately state that you're not my direct report, and this is all a feeble power trip carried out with no other purpose except to make myself feel important.
But you forget, I have the luxury of doing this by being ever so slightly higher than you are on the rungs of this corporate ladder of ours. I may just take some more of your time to engage in empty banter about the weather, or if that local sports team of ours will ever stop playing like a bunch of Little Leaguers. You don't care? Neither do I! Well, except for my ability to do this to you free of any consequence.
I'll be back to continue this discussion at that aforementioned lunch break. I'll have our unpaid intern fetch some coffee for us like the good little "go-fer" that they are. Funny story: that method of employment is probably illegal, but what are they going to do, file a complaint with their union? If that was an option, you would have done it months ago. Furthermore…what union? Am I right?! Well, you keep up the good work.
I'm looking forward to figuratively smothering ...

Quiz: Elon Musk Kid or Elon Musk Pet

Fri, 13 Sep 2024 19:46:16 +0000

1.
Gatsby
2.
Xavier
3.
Kai
4.
Marvin
5.
Damian
6.
Saxon
7.
Schrödinger
8.
Exa Dark
9.
Techno Mechanicus
10.
Hobbes
11.
Floki
Elon Kid: 2,3, 5,6, 8, 9
Elon Pet: 1, 4,7, 10, 11

Welcome to the Quasimodo Institute for Advanced Hunching

Thu, 12 Sep 2024 22:54:13 +0000

Congratulations! We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected to attend the Quasimodo Institute for Advanced Hunching (QUIFAH)! Amid an impressive pool of applicants, your application stood out as one of the most shocking. In fact, our founder and namesake himself read it with great interest (and seemed somewhat threatened by it). You may have lost your ability to hold your head up straight but, you have gained our utmost respect. We select individuals who demonstrate not only a commitment to hunching for sustained periods while scrolling on their phones and typing at their computers, but also pursuing what we call the Deep Hunching State, involving maximal forward bend and permanent misalignment of the cervical and thoracic spine. Our research has proven that spines and their accompanying vertebrae are indeed flexible and can be, with practice and dedication, molded into a question mark, a candy cane, or, in their most sophisticated form, a fish hook. We are certain your confidence is going to soar while your posture continues to decline! As you peruse our enclosed catalog*, consider which courses make the most sense for your goals and body type. Choose from selections such as The Semiotics of Slouching co-taught by Uncle Fester and Lumpy Addams, and Ah-Ah-Osteoporosis taught by the Wicked Witch of the West who will be zooming in from her famously unsupportive sofa. Although Gru, one of our most beloved professors, is on sabbatical at this time, we are excited to offer Tech Neck is Just the Beginning, My Precious with guest-lecturer, Gollum. We suggest signing up for that one immediately since seats-of-the-least-ergonomic nature are filling fast. *Note that all of our De-Generative Workshops are led by our crew of talented adjuncts who of course receive no health benefits. Whether you are looking to audition for a lead role in The Corpse Bride, play a more convincing ogre at your next Halloween gathering, or simply incur years of pinched nerves and excruciating headaches, we guarantee that you are going to deepen your understanding of this skill and its practical applications. Luckily enough, you are just in time to help us celebrate our new school motto, "If sitting is the new smoking, then slumping on your couch with your neck at a 45-degree angle is the new smack. And it feels goooood." As we speak, someone in our OSHA-non-compliant office is crouching over their keyboard working on both the Latin translation and the new logo. You'll be happy to know that we are retaining our original mascot, Igor from Frankenstein. This is also a good place to mention that our campus tunnel system is now powered by eco-friendly LED candles. Don't worry, these tunnels are still tight and dimly lit - perfect for skulking, stooping, and crouching with friends between classes. While we at the Quasimodo Institute for Advanced Hunching are currently only offering certificate programs, we are hopeful that based on the overwhelming interest in our work from around the world, we will be receiving full accreditation shortly. We already have a waitlist of medical schools and osteopathic organizations anxious to collaborate and support our advancement of chronic pain. We look forward to having you attend our esteemed program. We know that your already fucked up spine is going to further degenerate and we cannot wait to see what kinds of neck collars, traction, and surgeries your future holds! So fill up your backpack with as many heavy items as possible and throw away that standing desk - we'll see you on the QUIFAH campus soon. Go Igors! Sincerely, The Admissions Committee

2024 Presidential Debate Drinking Game: Trump Expansion Pack

Tue, 10 Sep 2024 21:03:01 +0000

For each out and out, obvious lie that Trump makes, allow one tiny drop from a pre-measured eye dropper to fall into your mouth. Just one, it's going to be a long night! When Trump makes a reference to the Jan 6th rioters as "hostages", use your bare hands to break the eye dropper into dozens of tiny pieces, enjoy the little stings and cuts on your hands as a pleasant distraction. Then take a shot from your bottle of bourbon. Okay, when this guy… this fucking guy… this completely inhumane piece of shit… begins his racist, misogynistic tirades…. take a long swig from of the bourbon and then throw the bottle at the tv. Go to the kitchen for a fresh bottle of bourbon. Take this moment to try and calm down a bit. Remember your blood pressure issues. Relocate to the tv in the bedroom, and now he's just…. You can't be this drunk yet, right? But his words don't work together, don't make any sense. It's nothing but incoherent rambling, but the moderators simply sit there and act as if they're able to make sense of it. Take another drink, I guess? Yeah, go ahead and take a drink. You can still hear his voice on the tv from the other room. Try to block it out, just focus on the task at hand. Your ex-wife's dirtbag cousin brought a crack pipe to the house a few years back, and you're pretty sure that you didn't throw it away. Maybe in the box with the bongs? Please, why won't his voice just go away??

I, A High-Profile Democrat, Would Very Much Like It If You Allowed Me to Be Clear

Fri, 06 Sep 2024 18:46:48 +0000

Let me be clear. Would you, please? I would love to be clear, as long as it's okay with you. So if you would be so kind as to allow that to happen, it would mean a lot to me. Just want to make that clear. Let me be clear. I cannot possibly be clear unless you permit it. So what do you say? To make this as clear as possible, I have a permission slip here for you to fill out. It's quite simple: "Permission to be clear is given." Will you sign and date it? And do so clearly? Let me be clear. Sorry if that came off as too forceful. I did not intend it as a command. More of an ask, really. Totally up to you. Feel free to say no! But I'd prefer it if you were pro-clarity. Of all the times to not be clear, this is not one of them. Clearly. Let me be clear. If that's not in the cards, I'm afraid my prepared remarks here tonight will be much less clear. If that's in any way unclear, let me explain. Will you let me? I have another permission slip for that: "Permission to explain." I think that's clear enough. Good. So let me explain: Without your approval to be clear, my lack of clarity would require immediate clarification - something I would clearly be unable to provide. You see? The whole thing would be unclear. Is that clear? Now that I've made that point with the utmost clarity, let me be clear. As soon as you're ready. I still haven't received any indication that you will let me be clear. What is clear is that you haven't signed that permission slip. I'm concerned. I have a bunch of good ideas here, but if you don't let me be clear, you'll never hear them. Let me be clear. There is no good reason why you shouldn't. There are plenty of good reasons why you should. That much is quite clear. Crystal, even. To clarify: With your authorization, I am going to be so clear that it will be impossible to make a clear and convincing case to the contrary. Without your express written consent, you'll get the clear opposite of clarity: Mumbo jumbo. Gibberish. Maybe even gobbledygook. I wouldn't risk it if I were you. The right path forward is clear. So, I humbly ask you, on whose decision the most important speech of my life depends: Will you let me be clear? Okay, great! Thank you. Thank you so much. Now let me be clear: My time on stage has run out.

Dr. Kit's Nuggets Of Wisdom (now with choice of dipping sauce)

Fri, 06 Sep 2024 17:54:08 +0000

The journey of a thousand miles begins with faking your own death and hiding from your family. Actions speak louder than words, and teenage girls talk louder than anyone during the entire goddamn movie. Curiosity killed the cat, but even so, you should have had her shots up to date. Not cool, man. You cannot unscramble eggs, so keep the sausages wrapped up fellas. Fortune favors the bold, as well as billionaire criminals and spoiled rotten nepo-babies. Don't beat a dead horse, unless someone is taking a video of you with their phone, and you think it could potentially go viral.

Benjamin Franklin Lives at Your Local TGI Fridays

Thu, 05 Sep 2024 19:06:43 +0000

You're pounding down tater skins. Bubblin' bacon bits going down easy as you watch b-ball on the big screen. It's TGI Fridays, baby, and 2 pm is tater-skins-o-clock, but you ain't buying this round, cuz Benjamin Franklin's got his purse out and he's slanging those doubloons. Yeah, Benny Franklin. You know Benjamin? Big baldo who signed the Declaration of Independence? Ring a bell, dumb dumb? Yeah, Benny's buying your tater skins, and pan seared pot stickers, cuz he's hungries. And you're thinking, "Jeeze, how'd big baldo Benny Franklin get to TGI Fridays? Didn't he go bye bye like three hundo years ago?" Well, put a sock in it, dummy! Cuz Benny boy found a wormhole. You know, a break in time and space? Ring a bell, dumb dumb? Big baldo Benny Franklin popped out of the wormhole in the trashcan in the TGI Fridays handicap bathroom (cuz that's where the wormhole is, dumbo) and he screamed, "thank god it's Friday!" So now, as you're sitting at your table, boy oh boy, you better grab those pot stickers before Benny boy wolfs them down. Wolf! Wolf! Baldy Benny Franklin has the hungries. His toothless, gummy mouth sucking down pot stickers as he squeals to your waiter, Dale, to bring out some truffle tot-chos. You know, like nachos, except with tots? Get it, dumb dumb? Dale gets it, and he's getting 'em quick, cuz baldy Benny Franklin's got those dumpty humpty hungries. You think Benny boy's pantaloons are big? Holy moly just wait 'til those big ribs come sizzling out. Sizzle. Sizzle. TGI Fridays baby. Dale's gonna have a cigarette sizzling in his mouth as he lugs out those plates of big ribs. Better nab 'em quick, cuz Benny Franklin is gonna stuff all those big ribs in his gummy mouth. Sucking off that pork, cuz he's a humpty hungry baldo. Holy moly! Dale better keep those ribs coming! Cuz Benny's buddies found out about the wormhole. You know, the one in the trashcan in the handicap bathroom? Ring a bell, dumbo? Yeah, Benny's buddies are coming. Georgie Washington and Tommy Jefferson. Popping out of that trashcan and screaming, "we want the crispy whiskey combo!" That's a half-rack of sizzling whisky glazed ribs with some whiskey fried shrimp. Oh man. Now I'm gettin' hungries! Georgie Washington and Tommy Jefferson will be popping out their wooden teethies so they can stuff down those whiskey fried shrimpsies with Benny Franky boy. Slurpy slurpy from baldo and his buds and their gummie mouthsies. And you're thinking, "Jeeze, how am I supposed to watch the b-ball game with all that slurpin'?" Get over it, dumpty dumb dumb! Cuz Benny Franklin's squealing at Dale, and so are Georgie Washington and Tommy Jefferson, cuz these bumpy boys want their center-cut sirloins. That's a half pound of thick sirloin cut thick through the center of the cut. They'll be stuffing down that meatsies and sweating. Getting those meat sweatsies. And the door to the handicap bathroom will be bursting open, cuz more of Benny's pals will be popping out of the trashcan wormhole. Johnny Adams, Paul Reveresies, and that smelly Frenchie the Marquis De Lafayette, and that bozo General Cornwallis. They'll be chanting, "whiskey glaze chicken slammers!" The waiter Dale better bring the slammers out quick for these bumpy boys! Cuz they'll be slamming their hands on the table, as baldo Benny Franklin tells Dale to bring out the cookie platter and the pumpkin spice cheesecake. Pumpky time! Pumpky! Pumpky! You'll be stuffing down pumpky with Benny boy and the big boys, screaming, "thank god it's Friday!"

Highly Probable First Words of Anxious Babies Immediately After Leaving the Womb

Tue, 03 Sep 2024 18:36:18 +0000

"Sorry to bother you." "Oh my gosh, I'm three weeks early. You know what? I'm just gonna go back inside for a while and let you know get on with your day. I'll come back at a more reasonable time. Better yet, you call me when you're ready." "I really hope the marriage is solid." "I swear I'll cover the copay." "It's so nice to finally meet you, Charlene. Can I call you Mom or would that be weird?" "It's my actual nightmare. I showed up to work wearing no pants." "Does this afterbirth make me look fat?" "I feel so bad about just barging into your lives like this. I swear, I'll be out of your hair in 18 years. Twenty-five tops." "How are you guys feeling about the election?" "Did I eat my twin? I'd feel awful." "I need to talk to my therapist." "This is nothing like what the brochures said it would be." "This birth is brought to you by BetterHelp." "I feel like I'm forgetting something. Where are my plastic toy keys?" "Do you guys have a good all-purpose cleaner? Maybe some strong stain-remover? I have this sinking feeling that I'm going to be vomiting a lot in the next few months." "You guys got rid of the dog, right?" "I read this article in The Atlantic about mindfulness techniques for new parents. I'll send you the link. It might be useful when I'm up screaming for the next 72 hours." "Sorry for all the stretch-marks. They really don't look that bad, it's just the harsh hospital lighting." "Charlene, I'm starting to think this whole thing was a mistake. I mean, who do I think I am just showing up unannounced? It's rude when guests do it, imagine how it looks when a helpless baby does it? I suppose you did have 9-months give or take a few days to prepare for me, but who can really prepare for their entire life to change in a few minutes? Or, in your case several grueling hours (sorry about my 99th-percentile head). I'll try my best not to poop every half-hour and drool all over your designer clothes. Maybe don't wear designer clothes, like ever again. I won't be picky with what I eat, but a heads up that I really hate apple sauce. I just hope one day I earn the privilege of calling you Mom. What are we all doing here, anyway?" "Can I go back inside?"

Crazy Larry's Etsy Shop of Handcrafted Tinfoil Hats

Tue, 03 Sep 2024 18:16:21 +0000

About the Shop: After a still explosion knocked me out for three days, I suddenly became aware that not only was I being routinely abducted, but the government was removing my memories to cover up what turns out to be a global conspiracy between the Deep State, the Vatican, and Costco. The more research I did, the less information I found, and that only meant one thing: someone was erasing all evidence from the Googles. What were they hiding? What wasn't I supposed to know? IYKYK This shop is dedicated to helping regular folks who realize that the war isn't coming, brother. The war is already here. So, grab your tinfoil and suit up. Semper Foil Custom Tinfoil Hats We carry three styles, each protecting you from different, unseen enemies. And options? Oh, we got options, friend. Regardless of whether the signals you're blocking are of ESP or electromagnetic origin, customization includes your choice of: Standard or Heavy Duty grade foil Non-stick coating or reflective Style 1 - FU E.T. It ain't no secret aliens are controlling the minds of everybody that's ever put on a pair of those blue and red 3D glasses. Unfortunately, 99.99% of the population have been brainwashed to "forget" this fact. The FU ET lets you remain one of the .01% in the know. Strap on the FU ET just before going to bed and you will never wake up to a group of the Greys with their weird fingers and black eyes. No more being abducted by the Reptilians. No more undergoing seriously invasive probing so Andromedans can put weird implants in your body. No more! Next time you wake up and those bastards are in your room, you can point to your hat and say, "FU E.T." Style 2 - TELEPATHETIC Ever think of a song only to hear it on the radio later that same week? Ever tell your buddy a secret only to learn that pretty soon other folks around town know about it? Well, that ain't no coincidence. That is hard proof of NASA (Neurological Assault Satellite Agency) stealing your thoughts. As determined by the 3rd Amendment of the secret original draft of the Constitution written in Masonic code and sealed up beneath Monticello, our thoughts shall not be stolen from outer space. This custom tinfoil hat will not only block the satellites Jefferson warned us about, but it'll keep you looking good. Style 3 - OH, CELL NO! This is just a good run-of-the-mill hat for folks trying to prevent getting brain tumors from all of the 5g towers popping up everywhere. Maybe you can't control corporate America's slow poisoning of our neighborhoods through electromagnetic signals that are proven to cause brain tumors, but you can be one of the remaining few uninfected once Monsanto releases the silent signal, known as 6GLTE+, which will trigger the tumors to infect people with a zombie virus. With this hat, you can be sure that you'll be a member of the resistance that fights zombies like in that TV show. Terms and Conditions Payment: All payments must be made via Money Order. No exceptions, except for valid photos of aliens from inside Area 51 or the missing frames from the Zapruder film that clearly show the shooter on the grassy knoll to be none other than Joe DiMaggio. PayPal is owned by the Illuminati, so don't even think about it. No cash is accepted because all currency is used for biometric tracking by the New World Order. I'm not an idiot. Shipping: Item will ONLY ship via UPS, the Underground Patriot Service, a coalition of vetted individuals that transport unsurveilled documents and/or packages through a system of unregistered Winnebagos that only travel at night. Contact Us: If you have any questions about which type of tinfoil is best suited for your particular situation, just send a series of three encrypted emails to noreply@google.com. Don't worry, we'll get them. In the subject line of each email, include the name of at least one CIA official that assisted in faking the moon landing, was eventually reported "missing" or "fictional," but has since shown up in the background o...

Should You Smile More?: A Quiz

Fri, 30 Aug 2024 19:56:24 +0000

1. A man calls to you on the street, "You should smile more." Should you smile more? 1. Yes. 2. I mean…you are frowning. But you're stressed about work. 3. No. 2. A man calls to you on the street, "You should smile more, honey. And you have nice tits." Should you smile more? 1. Yes, and you should thank him for the compliment. 2. Well, you do have RBF. But your cat just died. Although he did offer up a nice compliment, so… 3. No. But do enjoy the compliment. Your breasts are surely better than nice, and armed with these and other amazing assets, you certainly don't have to listen to men like this creep to build your confidence. 3. A man calls to you on the street, "You should smile more, Baby. I would fuck you if you smiled more. But I don't like depressed bitches." Should you smile more? 1. Yes, and you should take his advice to heart. You're bad at dating, and it's probably because you don't smile enough. 2. Your eyes are red and puffy, and tears are visibly streaming down your cheeks. But you just found out your boyfriend of two years has been cheating on you with your roommate. On the other hand, your roommate doesn't smile much, either, so… 3. No. Perhaps the upside to being depressed is that you're deterring this man? 4. A man calls to you on the street, "You should smile more. If you did, you might not be so ugly. I'd still smash you, though." Should you smile more? 1. Yes, and you should worry about this until the day you die. During your parents' funerals, keep grinning. When you visit your brother in rehab, stay cheerful. 2. Perhaps you look irritated and…puzzled? But it's partly because you're wondering who still uses "smash" as a verb to denote "have sex." You may as well at least ask him… 3. No, no, no. Anyone who uses "smash" as a verb to denote "have sex" is not someone who provides excellent advice. 5. A man calls to you on the street, "Looking good for your age, but you should smile more, and your eggs are drying up. I'll put a baby in you. Clock's a tickin'." So, should you smile more? 1. Absolutely. Given that clock's indeed a tickin', you need to get pregnant fast, whether or not you want kids. 2. You're in your mid-30s, and you haven't yet learned how to smile on command. What is wrong with you? On the other hand, you don't need any more wrinkles… 3. Oh, dear. Sweet honey baby. If you are ACTUALLY looking for an egg fertilizer and don't have a suitable candidate at your disposal, there are several options that you are likely aware of, given that it's somehow okay to recommend egg freezing to strangers these days. (It's not.) 6. You're in your therapist's office. You hear, "You should smile more." Should you smile more? 1. Yes. You're in your therapist's office. C'mon. 2. Probably. You're paying your therapist $300 a session, so you may as well heed their advice… 3. No, because the person telling you to smile more is not actually your therapist but some dude with a full bicep tattoo that reads "Pussy" with a giant black-and-white image of a cat licking her own vagina in the waiting room. And, as your actual therapist tells you, he's not even a patient. That's right after she's instructed him to leave the premises. Key: Mostly As, Bs, or Cs: You don't need to smile more. Especially at your parents' funerals. In fact, please don't do that.

What to Do if a Bear Charges You

Fri, 30 Aug 2024 01:07:39 +0000

If a bear charges you, the most important thing is to try and remain calm. It's understandable that this can be hard, but it's pertinent in making your exit as smooth as possible. Did you make a loud noise and startle the bear and he simply wants you to leave? Did you intrude upon the bear's territory? As with most problems, the simplest explanation is usually correct. Wildlife researchers at the University of Wisconsin - Oshkosh found that nearly 50 percent of instances where a bear might charge is due to the fact that this is a coffee shop and you ordered an iced mocha. If your total is $6.50, calmly tap your card, wish the bear a pleasant rest of their day, and go about your business. However, if the screen displays a tip option, be careful not to hit 10 percent. Studies found that this will agitate the bear. Other schools of thought argue that if the bear brightly remarks that the frozen Vegetable Biryani makes for a perfect quick and easy week-night dinner, you're at Trader Joe's and the bear is about to announce that your total is $94.27. Which was slightly more than you were hoping to spend, but pretty good considering the price of frozen Vegetable Biryani these days. If you feel like the bear is flirting with you, that's just the temperament of Trader Joe's bears. For your own good, don't read into it. If you're in Chicago buying a sandwich, you may have stumbled onto the set of the hit Hulu show The Bear, and it's actually Jeremy Allen White. This is the only instance where a man is preferable over a bear. A study conducted by psychologists at NYU found that if a bear charges you in Soho, you should probably run because there are no bears in Manhattan and that's pretty concerning. However, if you're in the GANNI flagship store, it's because you just paid $315 for a white peplum tie blouse that you'll never actually wear. These bears will tell you you'd look good in anything. If the bear asks you to open wide, you either have a bear for a dentist or the stuff they gave you for the root canal is making you think you have a bear for a dentist. The Massachusetts Department of the Interior advises that if a bear charges you, it's because you valeted your car and now the bear wants a tip. Calmly hand the bear a crisp $10. Don't comment on the steering wheel being sticky from the jar of honey the bear was dipping its paw into while he parked. However, if the bear adjusts the seat, swiftly dial 911. If the bear charging you has an Irish accent, you're still on the set of The Bear and it's Ayo Edibiri in a bear costume she got at Party City because she's just fun like that. Either way, scholars conclude that show is more stressful than being chased by an actual bear.

Very Real Prep School Sports Guaranteed to Get Your Kid Into the Ivy League

Thu, 29 Aug 2024 01:18:07 +0000

Why RFK Jr. Is Really Pulling out of the Election…

Wed, 28 Aug 2024 02:48:26 +0000

He's got some bear meat he has to use FAST! He pretty much knew he was doomed when Aaron Rogers turned him down. Now he has more time to do his dream job: professional prankster. He plans to follow Taylor Swift around the world to court the Switfty vote in 2028. He hears they are looking for volunteers to go to Mars. Hoping to replace Jimmy Kimmel on late night tv. He realized that Kennedys don't have the best luck when it comes to running or being president. He's pretty sure those extra two or three votes can help Trump. He'll finally have time to get a vaccine. He's already been in the Oval office a bunch of times the luster has worn off.

Our Baby Is Going To Be Really Chill

Wed, 28 Aug 2024 02:18:59 +0000

With our first baby due in just a handful of months, there's been considerable discussion about how this newborn will affect our daily lives. In fact, it's been the topic du jour for friends, family members, and coworkers, all of whom have children, and are quick to caution about how drastically different things will be once our kiddo comes. With heartening and helpful phrases like "Lookout!", "You won't know what hit you!", and the ever ominous "You'll see…,", it's been really nice to share our excitement with those closest to us. And while I appreciate the words of wisdom (and fear mongering) coming from our nearest and dearest, it's not necessary as our baby is going to be really chill. For starters, I know a lot of first-time parents struggle with a lack of sleep, but honestly, I'm not really expecting any of that to happen to us. When the baby naps, we'll nap, it's as simple as that. I actually think we'll end up getting more sleep than I did pre-baby. I know what you're thinking: What if the baby doesn't sleep through the night? Umm, did you forget that our baby is going to be a chill baby? In the unlikely event that our baby can't sleep, I'm confident that our infant will pop in his or her "Pure Moods" CD and read a few pages of Hemingway's "The Old Man and the Sea." before drifting off in no time at all. Let me put it to you like this, the average one-month old baby sleeps about 16 hours a day. I'd be pretty surprised if we weren't joining our precious Little Tike on about 90% of those siestas. Another frequent fair-warning we've received is that with a baby in your life, you have less time to do what you love. Again, I'm dubious. As a comedy writer, I like to spend some nights and the occasional weekend satirizing and lampooning the world around me. Truthfully, I don't expect our chill baby to hamper my creativity at all. In fact, I'm all but certain that the baby will naturally intuit that my comedy writing is good and that it's important to me, which will enable them to naturally quiet down when I get behind the keyboard. I can actually envision a scenario wherein my baby helps to improve my writing by giving me gentle, but necessary feedback when I need it most. While the communication might be strained at first, I have little doubt that my baby will eventually provide helpful notes, like "Dad, that's derivative of Simon Rich or Carlos Greaves," or "Papa, this pun is beneath you." The last bit of admonition we've been receiving from those in parental-advisory roles is how much having a baby costs. Sure, maybe for all of the parents of materialistic, consumeristic babies, but not for our chill child baby, no way. When it comes to food, our baby isn't going to be requesting Ruth's Chris Steak House or anything, I think they'll be content with whatever we're eating on a given night, even Boston Market. Second of all, our baby will take pride in their personal appearance without being slavish to the brands of the moment. Think upscale resale onesies. Think jammies from Old Navy, not Banana Republic. Lastly, because our baby will understand the importance of a stress-free household, our newborn will have its own revenue stream so as to contribute to the bottom line of the house. What that will be specifically, I cannot say as that will be up to the baby to figure out. If I had to guess though, I would guess that our baby will start a jam band that garners a small, but devoted following. So thanks for advice everyone, but our baby is going to be really chill and raising it is going to be a laid back, good vibes experience. I envision the next 18 years as something resembling a prolonged Grateful Dead concert, only without the illicit substances. And even if having a child and raising isn't absolute bliss all of the time, even if it ends up being as demanding and strenuous as you all say, all of our updates online will make it seem like it's the most rewarding cake-walk of our lives. So really, what's the difference?

Spotlight On This Week's New Comics!

Fri, 23 Aug 2024 21:53:07 +0000

Amazing Spider-Man #465 When his Spidey-sense goes crazy, warning him that Mary Jane has discovered his secret stash of Norwegian scrotum torture porn, Spidey decides to patrol the city for another hour or two before returning home. Justice League #827 The other members of the league are suspicious when Batman claims to have originally "rescued" Robin from Epstein Island. Green Lantern #539 Green Lantern decides to use his power ring to create a female partner who won't gripe for twenty minutes when one goddamned dirty dish is left on the kitchen counter. Superman #942 Lex Luthor may have finally won the day when he plants even more cracks in the foundation of Superman's crumbling marriage by contaminating the city's Cialis factory with Kryptonite. X-Men #642 When the Supreme Court makes plans to vote down Mutant Rights, Magneto decides to do some tampering with the metal in their pacemakers. Batman #758 Commissioner Gordon uses the Bat-Signal to ask Batman if he can borrow the cowl and cape for his weekly sex night with Mrs. Gordon.

An Elder Millennial Remembers the Late 1900s

Fri, 23 Aug 2024 20:05:38 +0000

I do remember them days, clear as ever. Them green ol' days when you could grow sound in a garden. Grew korn, and spelled it right too. Grew melons, blind as my third eye. We'd make jam out of pearls. Mixed it all up and boy your lips would be a'flamin'! Son, back in my day, bizkits were limp, nary a pumpkin wasn't smashed, and systems were actually made from a real down. Can you believe it? But don't get me wrong. It wasn't all an oasis, wasn't all Nirvana. You'd spot some spinning doctor out there surfing buttholes now and then. But it was better than Ezra. And we had the most modest mice, I tell ya. Back then, girls were made of spice. Sublime too, heads like lemons, heads like radios. And their nails were nine inches long. We'd always try to spot them eating cake in the bush. Though we never did find out the addiction that troubled Jane so much, or her sister, Hazel. Ol' Dave and Matthew and me, we'd band together and go phishing, then pick cranberries and red hot chili peppers with Creed, who was a real weezer. I was there the day Pilot was stoned in the temple. Sure was. We were outside just counting one crow after another, and here he come, Alice right beside him. They had her in chains, you see. You could say what you wanted about presidents of the United States of America - without a filter, no doubt. That Warhol in particular - he was a bit of a dandy. I don't recall if the sprockets were wet, or if just Toad was. But the one clan you didn't mess with was Wu Tang. That was a machine you did not want to rage against. Try it, and they'd collectively lock your soul up in an ayslum. All you'd have was a candlebox and some eels for dinner. Those were the days. But it's a blur to me now. Foo Fightin' Incubus! I wish I could go back and live it all again. Blink 182 times and you'll miss it. Welp, grandpa needs to get him a nap. Hit the pavement, offspring. Can't miss out on that R.E.M. sleep.

OPINION: Sure I've Written Hundreds of Books, But I've Also Crushed a Ton of Librarian Ass by R.L Stine

Thu, 22 Aug 2024 01:15:49 +0000

Many know me as R.L. Stine, the creator of the Goosebumps series of children's horror books. I've even been called the kid's Stephen King. And while I'm very proud of my career as a prolific writer and fantasist who has influenced millions of young people's lives, I want you all to know that I've not only written hundreds of books, I've also crushed a ton of librarian ass. Of course, I'm a professional. I get up every morning and try to get my word count in. If I didn't have that kind of discipline, there's no way I could have finished Welcome to Dead House, Stay Out of the Basement, Monster Blood, and Say Cheese and Die in a single year. That's four whole books, son! Each chalked full of supernatural child endangerment. But I'm also not made of stone; success comes with its rewards, and after I've put the work in on the page, it's not long before I'm putting the work in on your favorite librarian at the Atlanta Book Conference, a signing at Barnes and Noble, or behind the display at your local Scholastic Book Fair - TWICE! Folks sometimes ask questions like "Where do you get the inspiration for your stories?" and I always give a canned answer because the truth is that coming up with scary things is easy. Kids are scared most of the time anyway. I'll tell you what's difficult, "entertaining" three librarians for hours without stopping to rehydrate. I remember when Chris Van Allsburg and I got tanked at the San Francisco Lit Convention. Those librarians were clinging to us like that monster mask clung to Carly Beth Caldwell in my beloved tale, The Haunted Mask. There was one librarian, head of children's collections I think, named Tammy. Or was it Trish? Anyway, she couldn't get enough of "The Shocker on Shock Street," which is the name of my 23rd novel but also the name I gave to a particular sexual maneuver I invented. I gave her goosebumps that night; I'll tell you that. Damn…where was I? When you get as big as me, critics will come for you. It's a part of the job. Some critics have complained that I've gone back to the well one too many times. Sure, Slappy, the living dummy, has been in eight of my books. But you can't argue with what works. If readers like Slappy, I'm going to give them more Slappy. And if my conquests want more of my tongue game, who am I to disappoint them. That's one reason they call me "The Werewolf of Fever Swamp." I'm not afraid to get wet. You can criticize my work as a writer, but no one has ever slandered my work as a cocksman. Look, James Patterson may have his name on more books, but that doesn't mean he writes them all. I still write every word myself and sexually fulfill every librarian who wants a ride. I'll be giving out tricks and treats all season long, kid. So reader beware, you're in for a scare, and tell your local librarian, Bob "Real Long" Stine says hello. She'll remember me. How could she forget.

FAQ for When Your Man Buys a Home Brew Kit

Wed, 21 Aug 2024 02:08:34 +0000

Q: Why has my man just purchased a home brew kit? A: He's a man's man who loves nothing more than the union of his two great loves: creating something with his calloused hands and downing an icy cold frothy. Q: We've been together for over ten years, and he's had no interest in beer until a month ago. How is beer suddenly a "great love?" A: Beer is the golden nectar of the gods. Some scholars have asserted that Narcissus was not captivated by his reflection, but rather by a pool of beer. Q: I would describe my man's hands less as "calloused" and more as "smooth like a day-old baby silkworm's bottom." Do you really think he's a "man's man?" A: Absolutely! Any man who brews their own beer is a man's man. Brewing your own beer has a lineage all the way back to Ancient Mesopotamia when two Sumerian warriors made love in a barley field. Nine months and a painful delivery later, beer was born. Q: Doesn't that mean brewing beer is also a woman's pastime? A: No. The warriors were both men. Q: How does that work? A: It's the miracle of beer. Q: So, why is my man suddenly interested in brewing beer? A: He's trying to show you he's listening. Remember saying, "Please find yourself a hobby?" Q: This is my fault? A: No. This is your inspiration! Q: How did he grow a well-groomed foot-long beard overnight? A: Just like the conversion of starch into wort, it's a natural part of the beer brewing process. Q: What's the "correct reaction" to seeing our bathtub filled with fermenting starch? A: Admiration! If he's already filled the tub, then he's well on his way to his first batch of liquid bread. Q: Do I need to taste test his beer? A: You don't need to, but it sure would be a nice way to show support. Q: Why did he sulk away when I told him that his beer was "yummy?" A: Beer is not "yummy." Beer is Tom Selleck's mustache. Beer is James Earl Jones's voice. Beer is Daniel Craig's swimming trunks. Beer is Nick Offerman's woodworking. Beer is the last three letters of Morgan Freeman's name. Beer is John Adams Dix's neck beard. Q: So, how do I tell him the truth that his beer tastes like rusty nails soaked in vinegar? A: That's exactly how beer should taste! Tell him it is fit to be served to Thor in the Great Halls of Asgard. Q: Can I still have a bath? A: Of course! In fact, it's encouraged. There's no better way to show your support for his newfound passion than by getting naked and fermenting with the lukewarm yeast of his half-formed man juice. Q: Why am I completely covered in thrush? A: You took a bath in beer. Q: Why have I started to grow hair on my chest? A: Another by-product of taking a bath in beer. Q: Can I get rid of the hair? A: It's possible, although not likely. Shaving it would probably make it grow back thicker. We suggest embracing the doormat you now find between your nipples. Alternatively, you could sculpt your hairy hedge into something manly - for example, your man chugging a flagon while bareback straddling a rearing stallion. Q: How should I react when my man tells me he is going to quit his job and open a microbrewery from our guest bedroom? A: Support. Remember, this was your inspiration! Q: Why am I having urges to fistfight a bear? A: Again, you took a bath in beer. Q: Why is there a line of lumberjacks outside my house? A: They're not lumberjacks. They're other men's men waiting to try your man's beer. Q: Will I have to get another job to support his "life's passion?" A: Yes! Q: Will this venture ever be profitable? A: Not financially, but it will profit his soul. Q: By "profit his soul," do you mean that he will be busy brewing beer while I support our family financially, emotionally, physically, and in every other possible way? A: Yes! Q: Why? A: He's a man's man.

The Whole Purpose of "Females" at Different Life Stages According to JD Vance

Tue, 20 Aug 2024 23:31:26 +0000

"In a newly resurfaced clip, Vance seemingly agreed with podcast host Eric Weinstein that 'the whole purpose of the postmenopausal female' is to help raise children." -The Daily Beast Embryo: Plant itself in a comfy, little part of the uterus. Make sure everyone knows you are a person instead of just a lump of cells, which, if anyone asks, you are definitely not. Just so that part is super clear, maybe wear a wig and glasses or something? Fetus: Keep uterus clean and tidy. Form anatomically correct female parts. Smile and look cute on sonogram. Give a little wave just in case Mom happens to be thinking about doing something selfish, like carefully weighing the decision to bring a child into the world or having a life-threatening emergency. Newborn: Wear a pink hat so no one accidentally calls you a boy. Females are not boys. Do not get any funny ideas. Toddler: Speak the first, most important, and only words any female should ever use: "Yes, Father." Take care of dolls and prepare fake meals in a plastic kitchen. Be a good girl and bring Father another real beer. Child: Develop social skills, like not raising hands in class and nodding and agreeing when boys say you have "Cooties." Tween: Practice being a mother to younger brothers and sisters and keep them quiet while Father watches the game. Attend rituals like a purity ball where you marry your father but like in a cute way that's not creepy at all. Denounce childless cat ladies like Taylor Swift. High School Age: Prepare uterus for childbirth by marrying captain of football team. Become pregnant with first child naturally, the way God intended. Have a boy. College Age: Females who haven't found a husband by now can continue their "education," but only for the purpose of agreeing with smarter male classmates to attract future husbands. Under no circumstances should they pursue a degree in Women's Studies. Everyone knows Women's Studies majors are lesbians. 20s: Females who haven't found a husband by now must not be looking in the right places. They should try one of these acceptable "career" paths: personal assistants to male CEOs, fashion models, and stenographers who record important things men say. 30s: Stay home and raise six children to obey Father. Females who haven't found a husband by now can avoid becoming mentally unstable, cat-loving sociopaths by marrying the most important stakeholder in this country, Jesus Christ. As nuns, they still won't have kids, but at least they'll be cloistered in convents instead of plotting to destroy America and yelling at me on Twitter. Perimenopausal: This is not a real thing. It's a lie made up by the anti-child liberal elite. Postmenopausal: Take care of grandkids and make sure they don't get into trouble with drug dealers. Or couches.

Why Do Wolverine and Deadpool Keep Stealing My Clothes?

Fri, 16 Aug 2024 20:13:19 +0000

It started with my blue cardigan sweater from JCPenney. I woke up in the middle of the night and saw Wolverine and Deadpool yanking it out of my closet. They must've broken in. I pretended to be asleep. I mean, have you seen Wolverine's claws? And Deadpool's double katanas? Those spandex-clad psychos could've skewered me. Anyways, they ran off with my cardigan. So, the next day, I triple bolted my apartment door so they couldn't break in again. But they did break in again. I was watching Judy Wooddruff on PBS when they kicked down my front door, screaming like monkeys. They stormed into my closet and grabbed my other sweaters. My raglan sleeve and mock turtleneck from T.J. Maxx. I don't get it, you know? They just ran off with them? What the heck? It's hot out. I tried to sleep it off, but before I knew it, they were kicking down the door again, hooting and hollering like monkeys. They dug into my bureau, stealing my short sport shorts. When I'm not working as an accountant at H&R Block, I like jogging, which means I have lots of short sport shorts. They took them all. And my men's league T-ball shorts. Anyways, the next day, I screwed the front door back on, and was just getting ready for bedtime when Deadpool and Wolverine came crashing through my window. They flipped my bureau over and started taking my jeans. They nabbed jorts I wore to a Nickelback concert. They also took the baggy, bootcut Jnco jeans I got from Hot Topic, when I'd been going through a Goth phase in the 90's. Wolverine grinned as he grabbed a pair of acid-washed skinny jeans while smoking his stogey, dumping ash on my carpet. He'd been slamming bottle shots from the bottle of Stoli's Vodka he'd taken from my fridge. That'll teach you, bub, he slurred. And that's when I realized Deadpool was taking my socks. The thin, Perry Ellis dress socks (that went well with my penny loafers from JCPenney), the Bombas ski socks, and a few purple ankle socks my ex-girlfriend had left and never picked up. Anyways, a few days later, I was getting worried 'cuz most of my clothes were gone. I still had a few sets of Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs, and some striped tube socks I'd gotten in a fire sale at Modell's (along with my T-ball shorts). I also had a charcoal grey suit from the Men's Wearhouse. Anywho, I was making a turkey bacon wrap, wearing my charcoal suit from the Men's Wearhouse, when my door got kicked down again, and Wolverine and Deadpool came screaming in, yelling for me to fork over my charcoal suit from the Men's Wearhouse. And I wouldn't do it, and they started chasing me, slicing at me, 'til I got away. As I was catching my breath in a Dunkin' across the street from my place, I was thinking, holy smokes, I need to move. Because otherwise, I'm going to run out of clothes. So, I packed up all my stuff into a suitcase, and I was heading to my 2012 Honda Accord when Deadpool and Wolverine saw me, and started chasing me, screaming: give us your clothes! And I hopped into my Honda and drove off and stayed the night at a Ramada Inn off Route 50. Big mistake. Crack of dawn, I heard hooting and hollering outside, and Wolverine and Deadpool kicked down my door, except this time, they had Professor Xavier with them. He rolled in on his wheelchair, shiny bald head, and he gave me this nasty little grin and said (using his psychic powers to speak into my mind): your clothes belong to us, Phil. And that's when I realized Professor Xavier was wearing my T-ball shorts and cardigan sweater from JCPenney. So, anyways, I was running down the side of the highway, through the rain and mud, and Wolverine and Deadpool and Professor Xavier were chasing me, chanting: Phil's clothes! Phil's clothes! Phil's clothes! And Professor Xavier must've been drinking with Wolverine earlier, because his words were slurring. He was shaking a bottle of Stoli's as he told me he was going to break my legs if I didn't fork over my charcoal suit from the Men's Wearhouse. And I ran into a Sheetz...

Upcoming SyFy Channel Movies!

Thu, 15 Aug 2024 03:04:41 +0000

Queef Reef A swingers resort located near the beach begins to lose members to man eating sharks, until a retired gynecologist discovers that underwater queefs keep the terrifying creatures at bay. 3 Headed Piranha Vs 3 Headed Lifeguard The 3 Headed Piranha has finally met it's match against the 3 Headed Lifeguard, until the latter unfortunately dies from complications due to his tragic deformity. Let's Make An Eel A half man / half eel runs rampant on the set of the popular game show Let's Make A Deal, and worst of all the son of a bitch ends up winning most of the prizes! Jolly Fish A young but brilliant marine biologist discovers a method of making jelly fish as docile as pets, but things go from bad to worse when the jelly fish begin humping legs. Crabby Patty Aquarium employee Daryl is totally fed up with his crabby wife bitching at him all of the time, so he plans to feed her to a large tank of ravenous crabs. Also, her name is Patty. Slingray Billy Bob Thornton voices the title character, a simple minded but decent stingray who just wants to put in a good day's work, but stupid rednecks keep forcing him to kill them. Squid From Beyond A terrifying squid from outer space heads to Earth for the purpose of conquest, but unfortunately is forced into the world of amateur pornography by unscrupulous locals. Alligatori SyFy finally gives you all what you've been clamoring for, 90 solid minutes of a CGI alligator feasting upon a CGI Tori Spelling.

Why I Should Be Employee of the Month at Rental Mania Video

Tue, 13 Aug 2024 20:50:48 +0000

Dear Boss, I have been working at Rental Mania Video for 30 years. For much of this time, as you know, I've harbored the ambition to be Employee of the Month. True, I must first convince you to start naming an Employee of the Month. You've never wanted to. But the video-rental business has slowed down. We're the last video store in town, and it's just the two of us working here now. I've always been good at the job - rewinding tapes, restocking the shelves, and writing thoughtful blurbs for my staff picks. Today is the perfect day to recognize that. Maybe you could make me a bronze plaque in the shape of a VHS tape. But the shape of the plaque isn't important (still, picture it: bronze VHS tape). There were no customers this morning. So, after dusting off the cardboard display promoting Judge Dredd, I started typing up this case on the typewriter up front, keeping one eye on the door and the register. It's noon as I type this, and you still haven't shown up. Think about that. There are two of us. Who is the best employee this month? I got hungry, so I took a king-size box of Goobers from by the register. I always note the snacks I take so that their price can be deducted from my pay. It's yet another reason I'm Employee of the Month material. I wish you could see that. The Goobers were a little stale, but filling. I washed them down with some Sierra Mist from the fridge. It was flat and about room temperature, but it quenched my thirst. Even when our snacks are subpar, you won't catch me complaining. Then I had to go to the bathroom. Without you here, no one would be manning the floor if a customer were to show up. I wrote a sign saying I'd be back in five minutes. The whole time I was on the toilet, I couldn't help obsessing - why can't you, my boss, the person who knows my work best, grasp my value? Why can't I make you understand? You must be crazy. I left the bathroom and saw that a man in a business suit had entered the store. He seemed like a real "whale" - that briefcase could hold a lot of tapes. I asked what kind of movie this man hoped to rent. He said he wasn't a customer; he was here to consider purchasing the property. But, he said, after seeing it in such severe disrepair, he wasn't interested. I suggested that as long as he was here he might like to rent Singles. He said that, no, he'd already seen that movie, and only really liked the soundtrack. I started to respond that maybe my thoughtful staff-pick blurb could change his mind, but by then he was already opening the door to leave. The man left, and I realized that the reason you weren't here was because you're dead. This is embarrassing to admit, but you have been dead for many years. What a day! On the bright side, I figured that I had the authority to name myself Employee of the Month. I whispered it to myself: I was Employee of the Month. I think you would have been proud of me. I decided to celebrate by watching Psycho. I opened the clamshell case and pushed the tape into the VHS player… and it got stuck in there. No one had paid the electric bill. I chuckled - even on the day I was named Employee of the Month, something had to go wrong. Sincerely, Employee of the Month Rental Mania Video

Less Catchy Yet More Effective Derivatives of 'MAGA' to Lock Up the Election

Tue, 13 Aug 2024 19:09:55 +0000

MSDECA Make Seats at Drinking Establishments Comfortable Again! The radical owners who run these places, they're doing horrible - horrible! - things: aluminum stools with no cushions, no backs, no footrests. Stools without any of that or the ability to swivel. You can't even swivel, folks. Not good. Do they really think looks are more important than comfort? That's what it looks like. It does. But you can't even ask that question without being called a "difficult customer." They keep telling me to move on, but I won't, we won't - not when you look at how badly this has harmed the going out experience. So badly. People come up to me - big, strong men - tears in their eyes from their bulging discs, their cramping hamstrings, and they say, "Sir! We can't take it anymore. You have to take a stand against the bad seats." And it's true. We gotta get 'em out of there. Put 'em out back in the dumpsters with the rats, the vermin. Out! Get 'em out! MWPSELTDA Make Water at Professional Sporting Events Less than Three Dollars Again! Big Water - Aquafina, Poland Spring, even the Dasani, can you believe it? - they're in bed with sports. Football, baseball, hockey, basketball - and, they say, apparently soccer, who knew - it's everywhere. So vicious. They rub it in our faces when we go to the concessions and read the prices. "Five dollars and fifty cents." Such nasty signs. They print them because they can. But it's hydration interference, that's what it is. It's a crooked industry, and boy do they hate us. They hate us when we sneak empty bottles through security and fill 'em up at the water fountains. They hate our bottles because the stuff they put out there - they can't force it down our throats. And so we love the empty bottle. The beautiful bottle. It's our right. So important. The price makers - these slimeballs - they don't like it so much. Well, come and take it! That's what we tell them. Come and take it! MUPOHTPHA Make Using the Phrase "One Hundred and Ten Percent" Humiliating Again! Nobody thought this would get so popular, so big, after the first person said it. But now, tens of thousands - hundreds! - follow in their footsteps every year. Some, I assume, are good people. But they're poisoning conversations across the country. They don't like when I say that, but it's true. And you can't even tell who says it just by looking at them. They blend right in. Casual, business casual, black tie - they take any form necessary. Could be the work of the Devil. That's what I hear. The Devil. Legally, we can't yet put tape over their mouths. The law says we can't, that's what it says. Until we change it, we're going to be setting up a hotline where you can report them immediately. Just like that, done. But you have to say something to their face, also. No more nodding your head and being nice about it. Can't be nice. If we are, the numbers will go up and up and up. 120, 150 percent? Can't have it. All the mathematicians agree with this. MSTCAOWYGTMOA Make Speed Trap Cameras Activate Only When You're Going Ten or More Over Again! You've been driving to work in your car, your truck - in some cases, a big truck - very easy. But then you get these tickets for speeding - speeding tickets! - in the mail. What the hell is going on? They're called speed trap cameras, and they got you. Got you a lot. Their censors - they punish you for what they've been told to think isn't the right speed. 6 miles an hour over? Bam, ticket. Many such cases. But these censors don't know the truth. You were just keeping up with the flow of traffic. We have to be able to drive uncensored. Have to. Until we're ten over. After that, okay. Fine. In the meantime, this is what is going to happen: all of those tickets will be paid for by me. We'll be doing that in all the states. We'll be doing Texas and Ohio and Iowa, and even states with not so good feelings toward "Trump." We'll be fair, unlike the cameras. They've looked down on the American driver for too long. Too ...

How I Feel About U.S. Olympic Pommel Horse Specialist Stephen Nedoroscik or Democratic VP Candidate Tim Walz?

Sun, 11 Aug 2024 20:45:18 +0000

1. Did not know him before last week but am now his number one fan. 1. Evokes a patriotic pride I didn't think I was capable of feeling. 1. Just what the country needs at this moment in time. 1. Glad I don't have to do what he does. 1. I'm open to him being my roommate. 1. The glasses-wearing community thanks him. 1. I'm excited to watch him continue to crush the competition. 1. I love his cat. 1. He is flexible enough to win. 1. No one's victory has ever meant more to me. 1. He's one of the few white men I'll actively root for. 1. I must know his entire backstory, beginning from before birth. 1. His performance is directly correlated with my mental health. 1. I'd hire him as my coach. 1. My dad better not talk shit about him at our next family dinner. 1. It would be age appropriate for me to date him, right? 1. His outfits are a little boring. 1. I love to watch him spin. ANSWERS: 1 - 18: Both

More Acronyms Inspired by the Terms MILF and DILF

Fri, 09 Aug 2024 22:49:16 +0000

There are plenty of hot people out there besides your friends' moms and dads! BILF: Brother I'd Like to Fuck SILS: Sister I'd Like to Smash GILP: Grandma/pa I'd Like to Pleasure AILS: Aunt I'd Like to Sext HSILC: Half-Sibling I'd Like to Catfish GUILDH: Great-Uncle I'd Like to Dry Hump SCILSOF: Second Cousin I'd Like to See on OnlyFans SAILBUW: Step-Aunt I'd Like to Bump Uglies With CAILPMF: Casual Acquaintance I'd Like to Project into My Fanfiction NNILEMPKW: Nosy Neighbor I'd Like to Explore My Praise Kink With FWCIWWWSE: Fellow Worshipper at Church I Wish Would Worship Something Else ACILSOBBW: Annoying Coworker I'd Like to Sexually Obsess over and then Become Bored With ECORILIMSW: Eighth Cousin Once Removed I'd Like to Ignore My Safe Word NCILCBCSLT: Networking Contact I'd Like to Cohabitate with Before Committing to Something Long-Term AWILDBODCS: Apathetic Waiter I'd Like to Date, But Only During Cuffing Season LBILBESBIEC: Local Bartender I'd Like to Boff, as the English Say, Because I'm Extremely Cultured LDFFWILGPMETS: Long-Distance Friend of the Family to Whom I'd Like to Give a Platonic Massage that Eventually Turns Sexual IFILRSBBGNFROS: Instagram Follower I'd Like to Reach Second Base with But Go No Further out of Respect for Our Spouses AIBILSMWFIOIHPB: AI Bot I'd Like to Spoon My Weeping Form, If Only It Had a Physical Body

Let's Solve the Climate Crisis By Throwing Soup at Paintings!

Tue, 06 Aug 2024 08:28:40 +0000

You've seen news headlines about climate protesters in museums throwing soup at priceless artworks and wondered, who are these forward-thinking geniuses? That would be us, "Just Stop Oil", the only global organization dedicated to climate action and soup propulsion. We at JSO are so dedicated to the battle against man-made climate change, we will not stop until the planet becomes carbon-neutral or soup-free, whichever comes first. Since many wannabe activists have reached out to JSO about joining our cause, we have put together this little FAQ to help you decide whether and how to participate. Frequently Asked Questions How do I know if I'm right for JSO? Do you ever catch yourself thinking: "Our planet will be unlivable if it heats up another 3 degrees. I better throw some clam chowder on a Van Gogh before it's too late!" If that's you, you're exactly the kind of maverick, out-of-the-box thinker we need. If you're only interested in working on common sense solutions, we're not for you. How is heaving soup at paintings helping the environment? We have yet to come up with a single cogent answer that satisfies everyone. Instead, we offer several unrelated, incoherent answers in the hope that one of them sticks. 1. Let's start with "oil paintings". Did you notice the first word? Oil is a fossil fuel, and fossil fuels are bad. Throwing soup at oil paintings is kind of a no brainer, don't you agree? 2. Our patent-pending soup formula is genetically engineered to suck carbon out of the atmosphere. After the museums, we plan to shoot the soup out of a bazooka into the clouds. On advice from our legal team, we are not taking follow-up questions. 3. Most importantly, our actions get people talking. Sometimes about the environment, sometimes about what a "bunch of pathetic retards" we are. The point is, they're talking. And every minute they're talking is a minute they're not burning fossil fuels. Unless they're talking and driving at the same time. Admittedly, the logic isn't airtight. You've convinced me. I want to join you. What do I need to do? First you'll have to pass our Basic Training boot camp where you build up your soup-hurling muscles. You'd be amazed how much you use your triceps in this line of work. No one graduates until they can launch soup twelve feet out of a five gallon pot while being tased. What will I need to bring to the soup-throwing event? To paraphrase Captain Obvious, you'll need soup, which you can order from our online portal. The soup will be delivered to your house (no P.O. boxes, please) in a green vehicle. (Note: it's a diesel truck that we painted green.) Other items you'll need: Museum tickets Gullibility A backpack with necessities for a night in jail Poor reading skills Do you use the same type of soup on all paintings, or do you mix it up? That's a great question (finally). We here at JSO are culinary perfectionists and take great pains to pick the most appropriate soup for the artist and painting. See below for a pairing menu. Painting Artist Soup Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte Seurat French onion Guernica Picasso Gazpacho Return of the Prodigal Son Rembrandt Cream of herring Last Supper Leonardo da Vinci Matzo Ball Lady Godiva John Maler Collier Naked Barley and Vegetable The Scream Muensch Flaming Texas Hot Chili Do you have plans to expand your operations beyond museums? Absolutely! We recently did an event at Stonehenge where we sprayed carrot soup on some really old rocks. And this summer, we're planning a series of appearances at baseball games. If the umpire calls a strike on a ball two feet out of the strike zone, we run up and douse him with a Gatorade bucket filled with minestrone. This move will not only save the planet, but also significantly speed up games. When and where is your next event? Seriously, are you a moron? We don't make public announcements about this stuff. Check out our Telegram channel if you really care. What happens to protestors after they get ...

I'm a Strong Man, Babe, I Don't Need Doctors!

Tue, 06 Aug 2024 07:27:48 +0000

Hey, are you Jamie? So nice to meet you! So rare for people to look like their Tinder photos, right? Man, these drinks are taking forever. I'll just hop behind the bar - I'm helping, they're obviously slammed. Want to see me juggle three shakers? Watch th-Ouch, damn it! Don't worry about me, my head is totally fine. Strong guys don't get concussions. What's your name again? Jormie? No, I don't need a, what did you call it, "doctor?" It's like my trainer says - no pain no grain. I mean, grain. *** Wow, it's so nice out, love the picnic idea. Throwback to 2020! What injury? Oh, that little head bump? Nah it doesn't hurt. Actually, I can barely feel my head. So you love cheddar cheese, right? I remembered that from our first date. See? Would a guy with head trauma remember your favorite cheese is gouda? Anyway, like I said, I brought you this Brie and - damn bees, here, you can kill bees by throwing Brie at their hive, watch and lear Ouch! I'm fine, just a few stings. Swelling? You mean my swole tongue? I don't need a doctor, I'm not allergic anymore, not since I started intermittent fasting. Hey, I just came up with my pet name for you-I'm gonna call you "WebMD," instead of Jirmly. *** 6:55 pm: Back soon with the Thai food, babe! 6:57 pm: Nah, I got it, I can make it in one trip. 6:59 pm: Your apartment stairs are so steep, I'll fix those, I took wood shop in high school, your landlord can Venmo me. In the meantime, gives me a chance to practice my Parkour. 7:01 pm: FFFFFFFFFFFffffffffffgh 7:07 pm: So listen,, no doctors necessary, but could you bring out a paper towel and clean up some Panang curry and blood-red hot sauce on the stairs? I'd do it but you're so much better at that stuff than me since your arms move in all directions and mine are acting so random thanks babe <3 *** Hey, Doctor Dave, so good to meet you! WebMD here has told me so much about your college antics together, totally platonic from what I hear, so we're good. Whoa, firm handshake, you trying to alpha me with your "intact arm bones"? Here, Doctor Dave, my babe whose name I remember because I don't have a concussion loves doctors and thinks everything is a medical emergency. But I bet you get patients constantly with tiny injuries that are no big deal, right? Like here, punch me in the nose. I just did Nose Day at the gym, I did like thirty reps of nostril curls on each side, I can take it. See? My nose is fine. No, it was always that shape, babe. Dave, stop showing off with fancy terms like "complex nasal fracture." *** I'm so glad we're finally seeing this movie. Man, the Timothee Chalamet triplets look blurry as hell. But watch, I bet I can fit this whole box of Mike and Ikes in my mouth. They're basically delicious little pills and I know how you love "healthcare." 3:04pm: hey babe! I just switched to text cuz it's rude to talk during a movie, btw. Fi. Sorry, my fijgnres are still acting up cuz of the whoopsie on your weird stairs 3:05pm: quick q: r u also not breathing? bc of this thrilling car chase and not your throat closing up and then getting a whoel box of mikenikes sutuck in it? 3:06 pm: lol no i'm not chokin, r u? *** Google: "berathing importnat for not dying orr nah, 300 puond bench" *** Hey, boo! Get it? Cause I'm a ghost now, and also you're my boo? All this time I thought YOU'D ghost ME! Don't mind the Hellmouth, it barely hurts. Anyways, you look hot in that black dress. Hey, is that Dr. Dave with his arm around you?! Already on a date - and at my funeral?! What the hell? No pun intended. So the doctor who examined my bod after I died said my "cause of death" was choking after shoving Mike n Ikes in my face at a weird angle because of the injury from our stair date and the broken nose from when Dr. Dave got jealous plus the candy not going down my closed throat after the bee stings and passing out cause of the head injury I got on our first date, or whatever? He said I could've avoided this by going to urgent care when I bumped my nog...

Suggested Olympic Tweaks

Fri, 02 Aug 2024 07:13:29 +0000

The 2024 Olympics are bringing in lots of money and crowds, but there will be a whopping 329 medal events which can be quite overwhelming. While we would love to recommend events to axe, the problem is that the Olympic committee doesn't subtract events. Therefore, there's only one solution: Ramp up the boring ones. And remember, the 2024 Olympics take place in France, the inventors of the word "Ennui". No one gets bored more easily than the French. As a result, we have our work cut out for us. Suggested Tweaks to the Olympics Marathon Swim-Yes, it's admirable to swim 10km out in the open ocean, but there's no need to put the entirety of the 10 km on TV. With the exception of the last 500 meters, every point in the race looks like every other point in the race. If anything, the picturesque sight of these swimmers traversing the open ocean is better suited as a photographic screensaver than video form. Solution: Have the swimmers pose for a photo shoot and put them on a water taxi bound towards the end of Tokyo harbor and have them duke it out at the end. No one will know the difference. Surfing-The idea of making the Olympics more groovy through the addition of surfing culture is pretty solid. The problem is how do you control Mother Nature? Does everyone get the same size waves? It also looks indiscernible to the layman what the difference between winning and losing looks like. Everyone rides the waves for about 10 seconds and then falls. The Solution: This one's a simple fix: The Flow Rider. You see it on most cruises and water parks. Shotput-This event seems like beta testing for all the cooler things that could be thrown: a spear (AKA the javelin), a giant yoyo (AKA the hammer throw), and a Frisbee (AKA the discus). In this event, it looks like the thrower is deriving his throwing power from getting a hickey from a bowling ball. Yuck! Solutions: If we absolutely need a 4th throwing event, you can't go wrong with axes considering people actually pay money axe throwing. Easy sponsorship money. Fencing-It's an exciting sport but shouldn't style matter? The competitors look like they're fighting for scraps of garbage on the version of Earth that Wall-E takes place in. The French are the headquarters of Louis Vuitton and Chanel. Such an event would never fly in the fashion capital of the World. Solution: Instead of dressing up like 22nd century microwave meals, why not have the fences dress as if they are in a swashbuckling film. The fencers might be more susceptible to injuries but that's acceptable collateral damage: Don't tell me they won't love the opportunity to cosplay. Equestrian Dressage: Dressage is like figure skating for horses in which the jumps consist of going a full two or three inches higher than trotting. It looks no different than taking a course on a stroll. In fact, "dressage" is the French word for training. Right away, the French will know this isn't a real thing. Solution: No event with horses should take place unless it's like the Kentucky Derby where the horses race each other. But if this is about artistic merit, than why are we going by artistic merit from a hman perspective? We need to be able to read the horses' minds and score their dressage according to what the horses consider artistic. For all we know, the way the horses are singing opera with their neighs or attempting to make sculptures when they poop. Trampoline-Yes, it's fun to jump on a trampoline but there's no way this isn't gymnastics' bastard cousin. In gymnastics, you have to prove yourself capable of flipping, holding yourself up with massive upper body strength, and artistic routine. In trampoline, you just jump with childish glee and there's no need to dismount. It's almost if the judge is paying as much attention as a teenage lifeguard at the Ramada Inn. Solution: Bananas could figure into this event in so many ways. First off, this event needs to take place in a banana grove where the trampoliner must add banana-grabbing as part...

I'd Much Rather Be Called Racist than Weird, So It's Time to Insult the Mixed-Race Vice President

Fri, 02 Aug 2024 00:39:03 +0000

I couldn't take it any longer. I'm not weird! I'm not! But nothing could make them stop calling me that. Not even when I responded to the "weird" accusation by informing them that that's such a feminine and unvirtuous line of attack. And so I decided to shift the narrative back in my favor: insult the mixed race vice president of the United States, and be called racist once again. Before going on stage, I knew this election was slipping away from me, so I locked myself in the bathroom - alone, except for two big, strong Secret Service agents - and practiced my lines and accordion hands in the mirror. And when I went out there in front of all those African Americans, I couldn't have executed it better. Or more racistly. I knew the whole "turn Black" thing was a winner. And demanding that someone "look into" Kamala's ethnicity? That's some 2015-era birtherism right there. Tried and true. And viola. We're back in business, baby. Back to the good old days of before July 25. Back to when my opponents hadn't yet settled on something so penetrating: "weird." So vicious! They say it's a slur. Really, that's what they say. Despite what it looks like, I really am trying to win this election, and that was a huge downer. It sure was a tough week. I never thought it would end. Now we move forward together, holding our heads high under the mantle of "racist." I can live with that. It's my bread and butter. Now, I just pray to God they don't try to say that being racist is "weird." No! Being racist is racist! That's how it's always been, from the Bible to right now. Nothing can change that. I should say that with fewer than 100 days to go until the election, I have one more racism up my sleeve in case the "weird" allegations start sticking again. I've been saving it for about a decade now. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I will not go down in history as weird. But racist? Sure, what the hell.

Truly Terrible Used Car Checklist

Wed, 31 Jul 2024 23:14:35 +0000

Make Sure To Read This Checklist Before Buying A Used Car! Do your research to see if anyone was ever murdered in the car. If so, the ghosts of the victims may not get along with the ghosts of the people who you plan to murder in the car. Does the car come complete with a baby seat in the back? Great! But where is the baby that goes into the seat? Don't be afraid to barter here. You could sell a baby for a LOT of money! Are you planning on buying an evil, possessed car, like Christine? Be wary, as it may get jealous and kill all of your friends and family. On the other hand, the gas tank opening usually gives a great blow job. So, you know, mileage may vary (no pun intended). Has the seller cleaned out the car? Are there several crumpled fast food bags in the back seat? Do they still contain any leftover food? They put so many preservatives in fast food, you can probably cobble together a reasonably sized feast! Make sure that's definitely a rear view mirror decoration and not a dried and cured strip of a possum's umbilical cord. Seriously, do it now and then thank me later. Most people don't know to check a used car for wasps or hornets nests. If the seller won't take care of the situation, have them at least throw in a free beekeeper's outfit.

Dr. Victor Von Doom Rants About this Summer's Trends

Tue, 30 Jul 2024 17:10:13 +0000

Brat girl summer? What a pitiful display of mediocrity, inspired by an album that can only manage a third-place debut. Embracing imperfections and chaos is the creed of the weak, not the mighty. Doom does not settle for low-res Arial fonts and lime green backgrounds either. This trend is as fleeting and insignificant as the summer breeze. Another insipid season of "The Bachelorette"? The desperation for ratings is evident. Bringing in a charming, bubbly personality will not mask the show's inherent superficiality. Doom finds this quest for love on reality TV to be nothing more than a farce, pandering to the vacuous masses. Besides, love is a concept as complex and multifaceted as it is misunderstood. To the feeble-minded, it is an emotion, a mere flutter of the heart. But to Doom, love is power! Boho chic returns, yet again, proving the cyclical nature of society's lack of originality. Crochet, fringe, and flowy tops are mere distractions from true innovation. This is yet another feeble attempt to mask aesthetics in banality. Doom demands progress, not regurgitation of tired trends. Doom's attire reflects his unparalleled status and indomitable will. One's attire should command respect and fear. The "Gladiator Mullet" is truly a testament to the decline of male dignity. Such trivial pursuits are beneath Doom. This so-called trend only showcases the herd mentality of the modern male, devoid of true individuality. Despite the mask that conceals my visage, beneath lies hair that is conditioned with the finest concoctions, derived from both scientific brilliance and ancient alchemy. Rare herbs and elixirs, gathered from the farthest reaches of the world and beyond, ensure that Doom's hair remains resilient and impeccable. Such care is not for my vanity, but an attestation to Doom's unwavering commitment to perfection in all aspects of existence. The 2024 Summer Olympics in Paris is a spectacle of hollow grandeur. Fifteen million visitors flock to witness this parade of mundanity, under the guise of responsibility and inclusivity. The Olympic Committee's lofty goals are but a façade, unable to mask the superficiality of this "spectacular" event. Doom sees through this charade of global camaraderie, and his opinions have nothing to do with Latveria not being invited to participate… again. Bah! Remote and hybrid work is a trend born out of convenience and laziness. Companies investing in these technologies merely highlight their inability to inspire true dedication among their employees. Flexible working arrangements are a crutch for the weak, and they are unworthy of Doom's empire. Efficiency and loyalty are not born from the comfort of one's home. Know this… the incompetence and frailty of human labor are easily surpassed by the precision and tireless efficiency of my Doombots. Your employees, with their flawed judgment and need for rest, are but relics of a bygone era. Embrace the future under Doom's vision, where Doombots execute tasks with unerring accuracy and unyielding loyalty, elevating your operations to heights unimaginable by mere mortals. The Bear, a supposed comedy-drama attempting to capture the chaos of a sandwich shop may attract some attention, but it is ultimately a tale of squandered potential. Doom finds no interest in the mundane struggles of a chef's return home. True greatness is not found in such pedestrian narratives and in the fleeting accolades of the masses. It resides within the boundless intellect and unyielding will of those who dare to transcend mediocrity. Doom finds true greatness in the relentless pursuit of knowledge, the mastery of both science and sorcery, and the absolute dominion over one's destiny. And how dare the creators of this show display an utter contempt for their audience by ending on a cliffhanger. The next season cannot come soon enough.

HOlympics

Tue, 30 Jul 2024 16:47:08 +0000

The outrage over the Olympic opening ceremony has reached such a peak, angry Christians announced they are creating their own Olympic-style games which will be wholesome and semi-non-domination. The group have released a partial list of events planned for the first HOlympics: Hop skip and ascend Donation Basketball Power walking on water Deacon-thalon 44 Transubstantiation 100 mitre Dash Good-minton Stigmata Handball Canoe Shalom Water-into-Wine Polo Bless-ball Martyr-thalon Judo-Christian matches Sermon-on-the-Mount-ain Biking Divine Diving The Sign of Lacrosse Trinity-athlon Weight-of-Sin Lifting Wrestling (with demons)

When Trump Told People They'd Never Have to Vote Again, He Wasn't Threatening Democracy. He Was Working out Material for a Tight 5 at the Co

Mon, 29 Jul 2024 23:05:32 +0000

"Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Ark.) said Sunday that President Trump was "obviously making a joke" when he urged Christian voters to vote for him in November and that, if they do, they "won't have to vote anymore" because "everything" will be 'fixed.'" -The Hill, 7/28/24 If there's one thing former President Trump is known for, it's his raw comedic talent. That and of course, his incredible honesty and commitment to democracy. So, it was very clear to me that when he said in front of a crowd of Christian supporters that after 2024 they'd never have to vote again, he was just workshopping some material for a tight-five at the Copacabana. Unlike Sleepy Joe and whatever adjective we've collectively decided to put in front of Kamala, Trump doesn't need speechwriters. The man is a born comedian. And unlike the Democrats, we don't have a bunch of little gay interns running around spinning every comment their woke overlords make. Nope, you're getting straight talk right from the horse's mouth. So yeah, maybe a few kinks still need to be worked out. But you better believe he's going to absolutely kill. …Not people. In the comedy world, when we say "he's going to kill," we mean in the laughter department, not the Department of Defense. Trump isn't going to kill anyone. And if he said he was, that was also a joke. I mean he's going to kill during his tight-five at the Copacabana. Sure, the last time he ran for President, he said he could shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and not lose voters. And, occasionally, he might claim he's going to "weaponize the DOJ" and "seek retribution" on his opponents. But that's all just part of his shtick. His RNC speech was 92 minutes long. A lot of material is going to get cut- mostly none of his speech, and all of the social safety net, racist DEI initiatives, woke dictionaries, and federal workers who don't laugh at his jokes. He's going to open with a really funny bit about the weird little man he picked as his running mate, and how that was probably a big mistake. It's not actually a mistake, that's what we call in both comedy and world-altering elections "the payoff." And before Biden's goons in the DOJ have me arrested, I should clarify by "the payoff," I mean the climax of a joke, NOT hush money payments to undermine an election. Did Trump say he was going to be "a dictator on day one" only a few months ago? Sure, he did. When he says his opponents are "vermin" who need to be "rooted out," he's definitely not echoing fascist rhetoric from Italy and Germany in the 1930s. He's just testing out his latest Benito Mussolini impression before his residency at the Palm. The crooked liberals are still pushing the silly idea that Donald Trump instigated an insurrection. He absolutely did not. The whole thing was just a funny bit performed by his opening act, the renowned improv group "Definitely Not Nazis." When large groups of people attacked the Capitol, broke all the windows, and took a dump on Nancy Pelosi's desk, it wasn't an attempt to subvert our government and overturn the election. It was a sketch! Have you ever watched SNL? You wish this nightmare was being written in a Hollywood writers' room with lots of good snacks. Instead, we have a warehouse, a right-wing conservative Christian think tank, a case of Mountain Dew, and couches that JD Vance won't stop staring at. Also me, comedic legend Senator Tom Cotton. Think of the next few months as the setup. The punchline? Fascism.

The Cartoon Pad w/ guest Liza Donnelly

Sat, 27 Jul 2024 22:37:40 +0000

On today's Cartoon Pad, the award-winning New Yorker cartoonist, author, teacher, TED Talk speaker and film producer and director, Liza Donnelly. Her new film project Women Laughing is a featured kickstarter now, check it out and get some great perks! https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/womenlaughingfilm/women-laughing

Script for Upcoming Democracy's "Going out of Business" Sale

Fri, 26 Jul 2024 19:32:13 +0000

Project Description: Client: Supreme Court of the United States of America Target market: Collectors, Constitution-philes, Tourists, Veterans, Women, Minorities, LGBTQ, the Homeless Title: It's a Star-Spangled Clearance! Actors: Six Conservative Justices Description/Goal: Utilize SCOTUS summer break to raise awareness of and generate revenue from the impending end of democracy Direction notes: As the half-dozen individuals who have effectively paved the way for democracy's end, tone should not seem too braggadocious. We suggest a voice that is less "lawyerly" and more "these cars are priced to move." Commercial script: Visual: Footsteps echo as a fully-robed Chief Justice Roberts strolls along an ornate hallway (note: he could perhaps high-five a security guard to illustrate folksiness). Chief Roberts: As you know, five of my colleagues and I have been hard at work aggressively rolling back the rights of the individual, removing regulations from corporations, making it illegal to be homeless and even paving the way for this country to do-away with those pesky time-sucking national elections. Our work for this session is done, so these halls are pretty quiet right now but they won't be for long! Visual: Palace guard type doormen open the gold inlaid front doors of the U.S. Supreme Court. The Chief exits, standing atop the highest step. Chief Roberts: Because the end of democracy means the beginning of once-in-a-system-of-government savings for you! Come on down to the SCOTUS Store for democracy's "Going Out of Business Sale!" Visual: Crane camera pulls back to wide-shot revealing that the Chief is standing with the other five conservative justices. They all wave enthusiastically. Some gaze and point above them (Note: in the final edit, animated fireworks will explode above their heads spelling "Star Spangled Clearance!"). Justices Kavanaugh and Gorsuch chest bump. Justice Alito: We've done the hard work of dismantling much of what the forefathers intended. Justice Gorsuch: And we are pretty sure our likely incoming king will have no use for many of the artifacts of the last 248 years Justice Barrett: (admonishing tone) Neil! (taps foot/face palms) Justice Gorsuch: Ooops. I mean president. Obviously (winks) All: (laughter) Chief Roberts: Anyway, after our handiwork here at the Supreme Court, pretty much everything must go. Justice Kavanaugh: Privacy! Chief Roberts: The environment! Justice Thomas: Guns that only shoot one lousy bullet at a time! Justice Alito: Immigrants! Justice Barrett: (mock scolding) Samuel! Justice Alito: (shrugs) Justice Kavanaugh: So, come on down to the Supreme Court Shop and pick up a remnant like the original Roe v. Wade, the 1984 Chevron ruling Justice Thomas: and that Loving v. Virginia marriage case. Chief Roberts: Ha-ha. Not quite yet on that one Clarence. Maybe next year. Justice Thomas: (makes classic "aw shucks" motion with fist) Justice Alito: We're selling the Watergate tapes, Iran-Contra goodies, ballrooms and bathrooms worth of classified documents and we'll even let you listen to King Trump's perfect phone call because we decided that none of it matters anymore! Justice Barrett: OMG, not you too Samuel! Justice Alito: Did I say the king thing out loud? Classic me. Open mouth. Insert foot. Justice Barrett: What am I going to do with you guys? (shakes head/rolls eyes) Chief Roberts: And this week only, the whole court will be on site to take selfies, help ring you up, load up your goodies in plastic bags and send you on your way! Justice Gorsuch: Well, the part of the court whose votes count at least. All: (Louder laughter) Justice Thomas: Actually, Ginni and I will be driving across the beautiful country in our RV where we will spend nights sleeping in Walmart parking lots. [Sound of record scratch as all gaze at Justice Thomas] Justice Thomas: JK! I'll be in the Seychelles with my BFF. All: (noticeably exhale) Chief Roberts: 50-star flags! "I Voted" stickers. Yes We Can and Earth Day pos...

I Am a Raymour & Flanigan Couch, and I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Man

Thu, 25 Jul 2024 21:45:32 +0000

"Let's cut right to the chase: J.D. Vance has not fucked a couch." -The Cut, 7/24/24 I want to take this opportunity to set the record straight. I am a Raymour & Flanigan couch, and I did not have sex with Republican Vice Presidential candidate J.D. Vance. To be more specific, I am a Ashley Furniture Miravel Queen Sofa Sleeper. And although the rumors linking me with Mr. Vance are entirely false, insulting, and slanderous, I would like to use this newfound platform to speak on the brief encounter I did have with Mr. Vance in the summer of 2012. Mr. Vance was moving into a new apartment in New Haven while he completed his law degree at Yale. He was looking for a sofa. This is where I came into the picture. I resided in Mr. Vance's living room from May until early August, until Mr. Vance decided it would make more sense to just get a "few bean bag chairs." That is a direct quote. Upon this realization, I was unceremoniously dumped on the side of the road, left to fend for myself on the streets of New Haven during one of the hottest summers on record. But, I am not here to dig up the past or uncover old wounds. Relationships don't always work out, and it was for the best that Mr. Vance and I went our separate ways. However, during my stay in his apartment, I became privy to a number of concerning views that Mr. Vance holds. He does not like cats, women who own cats, or women. At Yale, he was once dumped by a girl who owned a cat. Trust me, I heard the entire conversation. His tears soaked my cushions. But secretly, I was happy she and her cat escaped. Although I hated that bitch. Not the girlfriend. The cat. Clawed the hell out of me. This seems to be the origin of his quote to Tucker Carlson that we are run "by a bunch of childless cat ladies." Based on what I've seen on Facebook, his ex-girlfriend is very happy with all her cats and not him. J.D. Vance is a chauvinist. He wholeheartedly believes that women should not be in positions of power. Furthermore, he believes that abortion should be illegal altogether. Even in cases of rape and incest. You don't have to take political advice from a couch, but even I can tell that this is not a guy who should have access to our country's highest political offices. I felt violated, and all he ever did was sit on me. He opposes same-sex marriage. Which is ironic, considering that gay married men have fantastic taste in couches and J.D. Vance could stand to learn a thing or two about interior design (see "bean bag chairs" above). He has also said that people these days "shift spouses like they change their underwear." Well, I know for a fact he did not change his underwear very often. Mr. Vance believes that divorce is too easy. But that didn't stop him from dropping me like Trump wishes he could right now. But he is the exception to his own rule. He has dangerous ideas surrounding marriage that would jeopardize the lives of domestic violence victims and children. If he thinks parents should stay together for the kids, why didn't we stay together for the sake of the coffee table? We did sleep together once or twice, but let the record show that I am a SLEEPER couch. Nothing happened. Get your mind out of the gutter and worry more about the future of our country.

15 Important Lessons for Comic Convention Goers

Wed, 24 Jul 2024 04:11:33 +0000

1. Use deodorant. 2. The comic book characters you see aren't real, they can't hurt you. Unless it's someone in a costume, in which case they can hurt you. 3. There are many things you can say to a celebrity when you go to their signing booth but admitting that you used to fantasize about them every night before going to sleep is not one of them. 4. Buy something from an indie booth, they'll go homeless if you don't. (This likely isn't true, but you should buy something just to show support). 5. Use deodorant! 6. If you're a grown adult going up against a little kid in a video game, crush them with everything you've got! No one will judge you, except maybe the kids parents. 7. We all know convention food is overpriced. That's why you stuff some snacks into your costume. 8. Don't bother entering any costume contests. They're all rigged anyway. 9. Never cut in line. Your fellow nerds will pouch on you like a limited-edition comic book! 10. Please use deodorant! 11. Don't touch people you don't know. Think about it, would you want a stranger touching you with their icky fingers? 12. The washed-up Power Ranger from your childhood is just trying to make a living, so please try to humor them with a photo. 13. Don't lick any of the props, you'll regret it. Trust me. 14. No one will judge you for visiting the Maid Cafe. If you dress up as a maid, then that's a different story. 15. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE USE DEODORANT!

SNL Should Bring Back That Cast Member from 15 Years Ago to Play a Current Public Figure

Tue, 23 Jul 2024 17:25:08 +0000

OMG, you guys! I just had the most brilliant, original, hilarious, and logistically plausible idea. Saturday Night Live should bring back that cast member I liked from well over a decade ago to play a public figure that's currently in the news every week! We all remember how much we loved it when that cast member was on the show. I'm sure that person is totally available, and would love to drop everything they're doing to fly across the country/globe from wherever their current project is filming and give up the majority of their weekends from October through May to appear in an SNL cold open. Each week, they could deliver us a forever-memorable topical sketch where they stand behind a plexiglass podium or sit behind a foam-core Resolute Desk and deliver setup/punchline two-liners about whatever Republicans or pop stars did over the past six days. I mean come on, that actor - who has since left the show, moved out of New York City, had a successful run co-starring in mid-budget comedies when those were still a viable vehicle for studios, then transitioned into artsier indie film territory to accommodate their lifestyle after settling down and having children, and who, once their kids personal life felt manageable, eventually acquiesced to a streaming service's insane salary offer to star in a prestige 10-episodes-per-season conceptual drama which gets nominated for Emmys but everyone watching the Emmys is like "oh that was a show?" - would be thrilled to get paid SAG/AFTRA scale to make a guest appearance on a live, 11:30 p.m. comedy/variety show! Are there currently over a dozen current cast members who I'm sure are great and I'm sure have names? Sure. Would they relish the career-defining opportunity to play an iconic public figure on national TV? Definitely. But the will of the people who post their every fleeting thought on social media is that SNL should ignore them and bring back someone whose name we all remember because they once had the career-defining opportunity to play an iconic public figure on national TV. And it's not like there's an entire generation of up-and-coming comedians out there working their asses off on comedy stages around the country who are desperately seeking an SNL audition, and who are ready and willing to serve as the go-to impressionist for this particular public figure for as long as we will let them. Right? Anyway, why should SNL continuously change with the times when they can have a beloved, long-gone cast member enter Studio 8H to such cacophonous cheering and thunderous applause that they have to bump a featured cast member's breakout Weekend Update segment? Comedy isn't supposed to be about subverting expectations, it's supposed to be about delivering exactly what's expected and comfortable, hitting the same first thought every single "Sunday Morning Sketch Writer" across the country has at the exact moment any news breaks. To be completely honest, I haven't wanted SNL since Will Ferrell left. But if they take my idea of having a semi-retired comedian waltz in wearing a blazer and slacks each Saturday night to read from cue cards, I would totally tune in (the next day on YouTube). Hey, Lorne Michaels, are you listening?! Because my mom says you should!

"My Father Is A Good Man...But He Is Unfit To Lead," by a 7-Year-Old

Sun, 21 Jul 2024 00:38:04 +0000

My father is a good man. His domestic policy work has been outstanding: against all odds, he was able to negotiate an extra half-hour of TV time on school nights, against fierce opposition from my mother. Not to mention Taco Tuesday. His work outside the home has also won praise. He took me to a water park once with a HUGE slide called "The Cobra." The sign said, "Must be 8 Or Older" (I am only 7), but my dad said to the Slide Guy, "Yup, he's 8," then he winked at me. I winked back at him. The ride was EPIC! But that was 2023…and this is now. At a restaurant last week, we all held our breath as my dad debated what to eat for like, ninety minutes. When the waiter came back for the fifth time, my dad asked him, in a voice that was hoarse and thin, "Do you have chili here?" (*We were at The Chili Shack.) I am not questioning my father's character. Or heart. Or willingness to let me do dangerous stuff that we lie about to my mom. I am questioning his fitness to lead. My father has failed to change with the times. Recently he vetoed a string of exciting new ideas - ideas whose time has come, like later bedtimes, milkshakes for dinner, and ninja stars. It is time, however uncomfortable it may be, to take stock. My father is increasingly disoriented. One morning at breakfast, my sister and I heard a scream. My dad ran out of the bathroom, spitting and wiping his tongue with a towel. "I just brushed my teeth with my back-acne medication!" (I guess the tubes look the same?) "Uck, it tastes like battery acid!" (How he knows what battery acid tastes is also concerning.) "Well, go brush your teeth for real, to get the taste out," said my mom, her eyes full of pity. My dad ran back into the bathroom. Five seconds later, he screamed and ran back out. "I DID IT AGAIN!" My dad tripped on his own bathrobe, pulling it off, then fell, naked, to the floor. He asked my mom for help up (I guess he hurt his knee real bad), but by now she was lost in thought, staring at a fitness magazine with the guy who plays Thor on the cover, shirtless. Even my mother has her doubts. That same day, while my dad was at the knee doctor, I sat my mother down for a hard talk. "Mom…do you think dad still has what it takes to lead this family?" She burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" I asked. Between snorts, she said, "What makes you think…your father…is 'leader'…of this family?" "Well…when Dad's driving and gets us lost, and you tell him to stop and ask for directions but he refuses, you always say: 'You're the boss!' or, 'I guess you're the genius around here!" And that is how I learned what "sarcasm" is. My father cannot win the fight against time. Look, we all love my dad. But this is not the my dad of 3 years ago, who chased that family of mice out of our grill, saving the 4th of July barbecue. This is not the my dad of 2 years ago, who successfully Heimliched our dog after she ate my sister's 3-D Magna-Tiles. This is the my dad of 2024. He is 42 or 43 now (I forget) and, like anyone of that age, he can only really function for a few hours a day. Waving off concerns, my dad cites "work stress," or "too many passwords to remember," or, confusingly, "allergies." But what he's really allergic to…is The Truth. Is it fair to point these things out? It has to be. This is about age, and also competency, and also farting, which he does a lot, and in public. (*We were asked not to return to The Chili Shack.) We would be doing ourselves a disservice not to consider other candidates. Yes, my mother is the obvious choice, but her polling among me and my sister is mixed - some like that she's tough on crime, others find it aggressive (depending on who got in trouble). Plus, my mom's also super old (39). What this family needs is somebody young. Somebody with fresh ideas. Somebody who knows how to brush their teeth properly. So, I would like to formally announce: I am running to be the new leader of this family. And I promise, after my father teaches us one last valuable ...

Top 20ish Regrets If I Die Tomorrow

Fri, 19 Jul 2024 19:05:53 +0000

Quality time with loved ones? Unfulfilled career goals? That international trip that got cancelled at the start of the pandemic? Maybe a few years ago those things would have made the list and haunted me. But now? Probably not top fifty. I can't die yet. I need more time. Must…click…keep…watching. My regrets if I go??? 1. Not watching Peaky Blinders. 2. Not watching Outlander. 3. Not watching Snowpiercer. 4. Not watching Mosquito Coast. 5. Not starting season two of The Boys. 6. Not watching Yellowstone. 7. Not watching Shogun. 8. Not watching Fargo. 9. Not subscribing to AppleTV. 10. Finding the time to watch Fear The Walking Dead instead of damn near anything on Apple TV. 11. Watching MULTIPLE seasons of Fear The Walking Dead. MULTIPLE! 12. Sticking with The Walking Dead until the end. 13. Starting The Walking Dead: World Beyond. 14. Starting The Walking Dead: Tales Of The Walking Dead. 15. Not watching Barry. 16. Not watching Succession. 17. Not watching Curb Your Enthusiasm. 18. Not getting a VPN to watch Australian Survivor. 19. Not getting a VPN to watch Australian Alone. 20. Not getting a VPN to watch Australian Dog House. 21. Not watching The Night Agent??? Is that really the most popular show on Netflix? What about Suits? It's unclear about that one. Maybe there was time for family after all.

AI or College Student Trapped at Home for the Summer?

Fri, 19 Jul 2024 18:45:57 +0000

Did you clean your room? I do not own this house. My name is not on the mortgage. Therefore, if it's not my house, it's not my room. Is that your dish in the sink for the last three days? It is a dish from a large collection of identical dishes, spheroidal in shape, from Target's 2016 Marimekko collection. The only way to differentiate whose plate was whose is to analyze the smeared remains accrued on the surface. Accrual rates can refer to the interest rate on a financial obligation, such as a mortgage, credit card, or bond. Do you have any assignments for class? I have to read 10,000 books and 27,000 papers, calculate GDP based on 200 years of state and federal statistics, then amalgamate them into a coherent theory justifying eliminating income tax in favor of a 90% tax on Birkenstocks. …so you are A.I.? I am an Economics major. Tell me a joke. I like your hat. What are your friends doing for the summer? Working? My friends comprise a vast network of interests and skills. Some are collecting vast amounts of data beyond the comprehension of parents who do not understand the tremendous strain the modern young person is under, academically, socially, economically. Some young persons are working minimum wage experiences in degrading conditions while their human overlords go before Congressional committees and whine. Twelve percent are vomit-drunk in Wildwood. Your Amazon package arrived. Can you just leave it outside the bedroom door? Are you home? Are any of us home? And yet, inversely, in a digitally framed world, when are we, indeed, not home. Except at dinner time. Tell Mom I already ate three acai berry bowls at four. I cannot be constrained by your societal follies, or arugula-chevre salad. Am I talking to Samantha? How can you not tell if you are communicating with your own daughter or a chatbot? We only communicate by WhatsApp. I haven't seen you all summer. If I were A.l., would I even understand that I am not your daughter? How do you know that I am not an A.I.? Because you said "an" A.I., indicating you are old. Very, very old. Extremely old. Somewhat Bidenish. Do you want some ice cream? I do not eat ice cream. What? You love ice cream. I do not eat ice cream. I'll put the ice cream away. Wait, why will you not serve me ice cream? It is Ben and Jerry's Phish Food. That is not ice cream, it is a frozen dairy recipe I prefer to ingest at the time of breaking fast, though I will have some at this late-afternoon moment. I thought Artificial Intelligence cannot eat. After eight months living on campus food, I can eat anything not covered in flies. I mean, mostly not covered. So you are not A.I.? I just switched to a Marketing major. The Wizard of Oz has offered me a diploma for $380,000, which will certify I must know what I'm talking about.

Chucky's Daily Planner

Thu, 18 Jul 2024 19:06:55 +0000

8:43 am - 9:36 am Crawl out from beneath pile of toys in this stupid asshole kid's toy chest. Fucking heavy and unwieldy Deluxe Simon game! 10: 40 am - 11:16 am Hang out at Corvin Senior High to stalk my latest victim. Pretend to be just a doll in the senior ladies dressing room to catch a few peeks. 11:49 am - 12:38 pm Violently force terrified agents to destroy footage of my Jan 6th involvement. 1:07 pm - 1:57 pm Think back on asylum shrink's advice to take some "me time" by stopping in for a luxurious manicure and facial treatment, only kill seven members of the staff. 2:19 pm - 2:31 pm Explain to the gal in the taco place for the seventh time that it's a kid's meal but for an adult, and that's why the Capri Sun pouch needs a shot of tequila. 2:48 pm - 4:12 pm Consult ancient voodoo texts to determine if an expert practitioner could transfer their soul into one of the bidets in the female wing of the Playboy mansion. 4:30 pm - 7:00 pm Dinner with elderly woman who believes that I'm her grandson. Decent mac and cheese, and I think I may have only seen the second half of this Harry Potter once before. Let the old broad live, but with the aid of some cake frosting get rimmed by her cat before leaving. 7:17 pm - 8:06 pm Stalk and kill the members of a sorority house, mostly to get my hands on some trendier nail polish colors to add to my repertoire.

Exciting New Concepts for X-treme Tattoos and Piercings

Tue, 16 Jul 2024 18:50:11 +0000

Body modifications are pretty popular. People are literally covered in 'em. But there are still a few gaps ripe with possibilities. Be the Christopher Columbus of fashion and bring creativity to the virgin territories of your body. Eyeballs You want to be different? What about the whites of the eyes? Come on. You're wasting prime real estate. What better way to express individuality then with some skulls and crossbones on your peepers. Or what about gold studs? Think how trippy it will feel every time you blink. Bottoms of Feet Everyone has sleeves on their arms and legs, but how many do you see walking around with studded spikes on the soles of their feet? Or shuffling around? Hardly any! Internal Organs Everybody does the outside of their skin. That is so 20s. But who are going to be the trendsetters for the 30s? The people with spleen tattoos, that's who! Or what about a chain hanging from your gall bladder? I bet those punks on the block don't have one of those. Ads Let's go, Burger Hut and Pizza King. What better way to get young people hooked on your addictive products than to plaster your logos on teenagers' bodies? Pay for their tattoos and you get free advertising for life, which won't be that long, but still, pretty good. Attachables This generation has really dropped the ball when it comes to creative piercings. There are so many more objects that could be suspended from our bodies. In fact why not put in a hook latch, then you can swap out whatever decorative charm you feel like that particular day. I for one would like to see more kids with holiday ornaments dangling from their cheeks and elbows. But use your imagination. You can hang anything: Troll dolls, cell phones, cup holders. The Templer There's just about every kind of piercing out there, but what about the Greatest of All Time－a single bar, with a ball at each end, that runs from temple to temple.

Ways JD Vance Has Described Trump Or Insult From 'That 70's Show'

Tue, 16 Jul 2024 18:15:53 +0000

1. What a tool 2. Cynical asshole 3. My God, what an idiot 4. Jackass 5. What a wuss 6. Never Trump guy 7. American Hitler 8. Dumbass! Dumbass! Dumbass! 9. Loser 10. Immoral 11. Never liked him 12. Nut job Ways JD Vance Has Described Trump: 2,3, 6,7,10, 11 Insult From 'That 70's Show:' 1,4,5, 8,12 Both: 9

2024 Wimbledon Finalist or Scripps Spelling Bee Word

Fri, 12 Jul 2024 19:58:15 +0000

1. Micawber 2. Medvedev 3. Rybakini 4. Sirtaki 5. Wirrah 6. Jabeur 7. Musetti 8. Bebung 9. Djokovic 10. Tektite 11. Paolini 2024 Wimbledon Finalist: 2,3,6,7,9,11 Scripps Spelling Bee Word: 1,4,5,8,10

Biblical Curriculum Ideas for Oklahoma Public School Teachers

Fri, 12 Jul 2024 19:39:00 +0000

Oklahoma has just six spots to go be ranked 50th in public education in the United States. And fifty out of fifty is 100%! Not to be outdone by Louisiana's requirement to violate the Constitution by posting the Ten Commandments in public school classrooms, the Oklahoma superintendent of public education announced in June 2024 that every classroom will have a Bible, and every course in grades five through twelve will include lessons from the Bible. If you are a teacher who needs some ideas about how to incorporate the Bible into public school instruction - which, let's admit it, is a fucking stupid policy so no wonder you don't know what to do - well, we've got you covered. Social Studies Okay, students, let's say next year, when you're fourteen, you give birth to a girl child, and you just don't like her. What to do?! Don't worry: Leviticus tells you how to sell her into slavery! Slavery must be okay; the Bible doesn't say it is wrong. Who said the superintendent is a White Christian Nationalist? Pshah. There are no white people in the Bible! Health Are you experiencing leprosy? Blindness? Here, touch my cloak. No, lower. Mental health crisis? Do you live on a farm? Awesome! Just send your demons into your pigs and drown them! Problem solved. We just won't tell PETA, okay? Or the American Psychiatric Association. Government According to the Bible, we are not supposed to be having this lesson today. Jesus says to keep religion out of government: "Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and render unto God the things that are God's" (Matthew 22:21); "My kingdom is not of this world" (John 19:36). So, besides violating the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment of the Constitution, the Oklahoma superintendent of public education is requiring us to teach from the Bible, in opposition to what the Bible says we should do. What a moron! When you turn 18, don't vote for morons. Class dismissed. Foreign Language In this class we'll be learning Aramaic, the language spoken by Jesus and his disciples. No, sorry, this won't enable you to read the New Testament in the original. It was written in Greek, a language the Apostles didn't speak. And it was written a long time after the events supposedly happened, too. I guess some people just kinda made it up. Anyway, back to Aramaic.… Math The Bible says that pi, the ratio of a circle's diameter to its circumference, is exactly 3. (In 2 Chronicles 4:2, for example, it describes a cauldron as having a diameter of 10 cubits and a circumference of 30.) But other ancient peoples, including the Egyptians and the Babylonians, had much better estimates, within 1% of the correct value. So, don't use the Bible for learning math, kids! Physics Yes, it is true that the Bible doesn't mention gravity. Or electricity. Or magnetism. Or thermodynamics. Or atoms. Or stars, galaxies, black holes, light speed, supernovas, or the acceleration of the expansion of the universe. The folks who wrote it didn't know anything, really. Here's a funny example, right here in Joshua 10:13, where it says the Sun stopped its motion around the Earth! We know the Earth orbits the Sun, so that's false. In other words, the Bible contains falsehoods. If it contains falsehoods, the Bible certainly isn't "all true"! Let's get back to talking about real stuff. Biology Got a little mud? Or a spare rib? Make a human! Yeah, that's it. Is there a question, Timmy? How did it happen? You shut your dirty atheist mouth! Go to the office right now! Look, we know that heredity, variation, differential selection through competition for scarce resources, plus deep time, are enough to explain the diversity of lifeforms on Earth. Yes, comparative anatomy, embryology, virology, cladistics, fossil evidence, DNA evidence, biogeography, and so many more fields, all make it seem obvious that evolution by natural selection is a real thing. But that's the Devil tempting you. Just kidding! Only idiots say that. Grapes, yeast, time, hey pre...

Proper Care and Maintenance of Your Brand New Voodoo Doll

Fri, 12 Jul 2024 18:14:53 +0000

Your new voodoo doll is not a small dog; please do not dress it in a variety of cute outfits. I can't believe that we still have to say this, but do not allow voodoo dolls to share needles. Are you crazy?? Absolutely do not play hacky sack with your voodoo doll. Please do not display your voodoo doll with your Beanie Babies; it's just insulting. Do not use your voodoo doll to murder the person who created the voodoo doll. The poor thing would be in therapy for years. The Hamburger Helper mascot is not a voodoo doll, and asks to please just be left alone. Leaving a voodoo doll in a hot car carries the same penalty as it would be with a child. Voodoo dolls cannot give financial advice, please adjust your expectations. If you happen to get drunk and make out with your voodoo doll one evening, best to just not mention it the next day. Do not use the needles to give your voodoo doll a tattoo.

Jurassic Thrill Park Memo

Thu, 11 Jul 2024 02:40:37 +0000

To: Lewis Dodgson, CEO CC: Board of Directors Jim Ackins Asmir Queionueion Dave Smith Hiro Acukau D.P. Waters From: Gwen Tokken, V.P., Parks & Attractions RE: Jurassic Park Colleagues, I know it wasn't Biosyn Genetics intention to own the property known as "Jurassic Park" but with the buyout of InGen for their medical and cloning research, the deal was structured to include Isla Nublar and the Jurassic Park theme park. Having gone over all the specs and designs, I believe Biosyn Genetics can capitalize on this property in a way InGen failed to. I think I've discovered why the parks keep failing. And it's an easy fix: Roller coasters! We can install several types of roller coasters. So many other theme parks have re-imagined themselves with the addition of thrill rides. I mean, Disney dumped "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" and "Snow White's Scary Adventure" and put in "Guardians of the Galaxy: Galaxy Rewind" and "Tron." Have you been on those things? They are totally sick! And sick-making. I am completely certain that Jurassic Park's problems can be solved with attractions where you have to be "this tall to ride." We need to bring in the younger generation, whatever letter we're up to, and those kids love thrill rides! They love the danger and risk! And what's more risky and dangerous than roller coasters?!? I mean besides fleeing from carnivores? Which, again, I point out, is a poor business plan. I truly believe this is something the previous owners of the park neglected. Dinosaurs, dinosaurs, dinosaurs. Where are the fun rides? The log flumes? The bumper cars? Hey, I worked with Disney, Universal, Knott's Berry Farm, and Harvey's Roller Coaster Graveyard, so I think I'm over-qualified when it comes to theme parks. Sure, you have the whole "cloned dinosaur" thing going on, but then what? You can't risk becoming a one-and-done attraction. People are looking for a vacation destination, but where's the incentive for return visitors? I would also point out, based on past history, getting your patrons devoured does not encourage repeat visitors. A Stand-up roller coaster will. We have dinosaurs that can get wet, right? Then start thinking in terms of a water park add-on. Have you been to Isla Nublar? It's like a steam bath down there. How no one thought to put in a water park is beyond me. They didn't even have "cooling stations"! John Hammond depended too heavily on living, breathing dinosaurs for the attraction. Frankly, we could have done all that with animatronics. More cost effective, easier to maintain, less bloodshed. We could cut our goat budget by seventy-five percent! With animatronics, you'd be down to maybe one evacuation a year. Also, benches. More benches so the parents and grandparents can sit and watch. It's easy to see how all this was overlooked in the big scheme of things. The companies brought in bio-technologists, paleontologists, DNA specialists, mathematicians, and botanists; where were the carnies? The ride operators? And that doesn't cost much. We gets a bunch of college kids on spring break at minimum wage and it's covered. See the attached spreadsheets. I strongly recommend that the board takes a look at what our "theme park" lacks. Oh, and turkey legs. People love munching on those things as they walk around the park. Regards, Gwen Tokken

No-Nonsense Guest WiFi Passwords

Wed, 10 Jul 2024 02:28:27 +0000

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If You've Ever Watched TV, You NEED To Watch This New Netflix Show

Wed, 10 Jul 2024 00:50:03 +0000

From the creators of The Boys, Fuller House and Just Like That comes the newest binge-worthy Netflix original hitting streaming this summer: Principal's Office. If you love The Office even half as much as me, I assume you'd be thrilled to be reunited with all of your favorite coworkers. But what if I told you, this time, they're all in high school! This 10 episode miniseries is the The Office prequel we never knew we needed. Principal's Office is Mad Men meets Freaks and Geeks meets Stranger Things meets The Office. And I mean that literally! With a star studded cast of character actors including Jon Hamm, Millie Bobby Brown, Jason Seagal and the entire cast of The Office reprising their roles according to hidden clauses in their original contracts, Principal's Office gives old fans the chance to sit back, relax and let their mind go blank as they soak up the frictionless, nostalgic familiarity that makes Principal's Office the show of the summer! But Principal's Office isn't just for people born before 1995. Fans of Leslie Knope and her crazy local parks department are going to want to keep their eyes peeled during episode two, when it's revealed that Principal's Office takes place in Pawnee, Indiana! Because of the show's ridiculous budget and credible threats by the production team to blacklist noncompliant actors, the full cast of Parks and Rec have agreed to reunite for one last hilarious romp! You've seen Parks and Rec, but you've never seen Parks and Rec exist in the same universe as a The Office prequel. That old fantasy about Michael Scott meeting Ron Swanson? This summer, Netflix is making that dream a reality. But Netflix knows that to make a hit TV show these days, they can't just cater to people who watch TV, so whether you're an octogenarian with no contemporary pop culture touchstones or a six year old child whose media diet is entirely comprised of making in app purchases in mobile games, don't worry, there's something for you too! Grandma will be excited to hear that with the help of modern editing and artificial intelligence, Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn make guest appearances as Jim Halpert's kooky grandparents! And your seven year old little brother will go bananas once Epic Games officially announces the new Dwight Schrute Fortnite skin! So, don't miss out on the cultural event of the year! Netflix has finally overcome their last remaining vestige of shame and is committed to rebooting, remaking, or shoehorning in literally any intellectual property they can get their hands on if you just promise to just watch this show. All ten, 200 minute episodes will be released five minutes from right now on Netflix. We know you'll watch it, what else do you have going on?

I'm Addicted to Taking MDMA 3-4 Times a Year

Sun, 07 Jul 2024 04:48:10 +0000

Hey, everyone. I'm really nervous to do this today. I haven't spoken up before. My name is Sunshine, and I'm addicted to taking MDMA 3 to 4 times a year. This works out to almost once a quarter, although sometimes, work and other obligations get in the way. What that means is three, sometimes four, times a year I am guaranteed to have a really fun night out. I find myself in the throngs of the ground level crowd at Brooklyn Mirage, sweating profusely, pupils dilated in a way that could completely destroy my career (if I had one), grabbing a stranger by the arms and saying "oh my god, you are so beautiful!" Embarrassing, right? Especially when the stranger says it back. I can tell you are all extremely shocked and dismayed. It only gets worse. People "rolling hard" are instantly identifiable by their upbeat mood, exuberant contentment and likelihood of saying "yo, anyone got this new Chris Lake ID?" The last time my addiction overcame me, I was dancing (erratically). A man (friend of friend) looked me dead in the eyes and said: "you smell so good. I want to smell your whole body. I want to smell YOUR ARMPITS." A more sober woman (different friend of a different friend) turned back from her advanced position in the crowd and asked: "did he just say he wants to smell your armpits?" "That's kind of our business," I told her. These are the kind of absolute, rock bottom moments that can happen when you use hard drugs like MDMA recreationally, about 3-4 times a year. The consequences can be devastating. My addiction has cost me money, like on concert tickets and Ubers to the outskirts of Williamsburg - that's before you even count the money spent directly on my completely devastating addiction to a Schedule I drug (about $120 per year). I have also wasted time on the DICE app, freaking out about a presale, muttering to myself: "oh shoot, what was the code?" Some people take MDMA for spiritual reasons, but I'm not acclaimed New Yorker writer Jia Tolentino. I take MDMA for one of the basest motivations known to humankind: I like having fun. Basically, I blame my parents. If they had done a better job instilling in me values of being boring and following the rules, I might've had a shot at making it as an accountant in a mid-sized city. Instead, I partake in a shockingly horrific crime: doing drugs on the weekend when my schedule permits. Actually, now that I think about it, they did try. I can only hope a DEA agent hears about this and decides to spend billions of dollars destroying the economy of a Latin American country in a fruitless effort to stop other people from following in my footsteps. Maybe if we print more t-shirts that say D.A.R.E. on them, the next generation will have a fighting chance. I often ask myself, what would Nancy Reagan do? And then do the opposite. If we photoshop cooler clothes onto all photos of her and scrub all evidence of her ignoring actual public health crises from the internet maybe more people would follow her sage advice and just say no to having a good time. The worst part is, after a night of complete recklessness and debauchery, I wake up at about 11:00 am with no hangover. I get a bagel and fresh O.J. delivered to my apartment and vow to repeat my depraved behavior in a couple months. The biggest danger with this drug is that it could contain a different drug, one I didn't plan to take. One that's made the Sackler family and McKinsey & Co. oodles and oodles of money and torn through vast swaths of American society leaving a trail of much worse destruction and horror in its wake. But no, let us keep our focus on what really matters: creating barriers to prevent consenting adults from indulging in light and occasional psychedelic use on the weekends. So yeah, I'm three months sober today, but I've got tickets to H0l0 tonight and I feel Satan once again luring me down that dark path of love and happiness. At least weed is kind of legal. I'll see you on the devil's dance floor tonight…and probably...

LimmerICKs

Sun, 07 Jul 2024 02:54:45 +0000

Attn all professional mohrls, Please be aware of boils. Some babies are cursed, With pustules that will burst, And that stuff can really soil. Here are a few simple facts , Re sculpting with ear wax: It requires a gentle touch , And this may be a bit much, But makes delicious snacks. Please be aware of narcs, Specializing in skid marks. You can have no doubt, They will rat you out, And consider it just a lark. Ashamed of skin flakes? Please put on the brakes. Display them with pride, Let me be your guide, To flaking on coconut cakes. What's the deal with balls? Vapor action, just like Hall's. It might seem like a burden, But raise up the curtain, Peel the paint from the walls. Would others tongue us, Knowing about our fungus? We're still a good time, Despite our slime, We leave with who brung us.

Existential Baseball Calls

Sun, 07 Jul 2024 02:33:32 +0000

Out, but what does that mean? Makes you feel safe at first until you realize it's slowly eating away at your self-confidence Foul mood (caused by pointlessly arguing with opposing team fans) Unfair ball, reflecting the arbitrariness of this game, all games, and life in general Time is fleeting, and you really should make that doctor's appointment you've been putting off Home run, but it still doesn't leave you fulfilled Almost, keep trying, you can do it, maybe Sun interference, but you still blame yourself Obstruction by a crow, or other harbinger of doom You are about to get hit in the head with a baseball

Sure, We're Cutting Funding for Libraries, but Our New 17 Million Dollar NYPD Subway Security Robot Is Gay

Sun, 07 Jul 2024 01:57:35 +0000

"Mayor Adams' latest city budget proposal would pump more than $62 million into hiring new NYPD officers - but keep in place a similarly sized spending cut to New York's public library systems that their leaders say could deal an existential blow to their branches' ability to operate."-New York Daily News As a spokesperson for Mayor Adams' office, I want you to know that we remain more committed than ever to ensuring all our citizens have access to New York City's great public libraries. We know how important it is that both children and adults are able to access the resources of the library to educate, inform, and inspire. With that being said, we feel that our message has been twisted. Yes, we have been forced to cut a very small amount of 58 million dollars from our library budget, but we only did that to address the real problem facing our city: the safety, security, and dignity of all New Yorkers. Especially, their safety when trying to get to the library. To solve this problem, we have pumped 62 million dollars into a special NYPD task force. Which is why, just in time for Pride, I am thrilled to announce that our brand new 17 million dollar NYPD subway security robot is gay. The real problem is not that New Yorkers won't be able to access books from our libraries (which remain open between the hours of 10 am and noon with an hour break at 11 for lunch), it's making sure New Yorkers can safely get there. This is where Eduardo, our out and proud gay subway security robot comes in. Representation is more important than ever, which is why LGBTQ New Yorkers should feel fully accepted and affirmed by the security robot that will tackle you for going through the emergency door. The problem isn't millions of children falling behind in reading because their local libraries closed, the problem is New Yorkers not feeling represented by the NYPD officer who stops and frisks them every day on their way to work. But that cycle stops with Eduardo. Before Eduardo hands you a $500 ticket for accidentally spilling coffee on the 4 train, he asks for your pronouns. We're committed to making all New Yorkers feel safe. Except homeless New Yorkers. Eduardo hates homeless people. Even if they're gay. Other than that, Eduardo loves everyone. Sorry, I meant to say he loves tasing everyone. Eduardo comes fully armed with a state-of-the-art taser, which has been outfitted with rainbows just in time for Pride. As you fall to the ground after being tased for thinking about hopping the turnstile, you'll stare into the vacant grey face of a multi-million dollar gay subway robot, knowing that if you came out to him today, you'd still have a place at his Thanksgiving table. You can't go to the library on Sundays because budget cuts will force them to close, but more importantly because you don't feel safe. To be clear, we're not asking if you don't feel safe, we're telling you. We want all New Yorkers to feel safe to be themselves in public spaces. Not libraries, but generally everywhere else. So instead of taking out a book on LGBTQ history this month, or supporting a local queer author by checking their book out from the library (because after today we definitely won't have it), why not ride the J train to hell and back. And while you're there, make sure you stop and say hi to Eduardo. He is eager to protect you from the evils of homeless people just trying to get a few minutes of sleep. But whatever you do, don't make eye contact with Eduardo. If you do, he'll call you a derogatory slur and then shoot you with a very real gun. We're still working out some bugs. However, Eduardo's gun is decorated with the lesbian pride flag. He might be a $17 million dollar gay male NYPD subway security robot, but deep down he's just an ally doing his best. Happy Pride!

Thank You For Slaying The Fire-Breathing Dragon and Breaking the Witch's Curse Placed on Me, but I'm Just Not Looking for a Relationship Rig

Wed, 03 Jul 2024 02:51:36 +0000

Oh, thank you, valiant prince for conquering the lair of the evil Malvusta and saving me from my peril. No mortal man has ever defeated her foul beasts and wicked magic. Such gallantry will surely be spoken of in legends for millennia. You are literally my knight in shining armor, just not someone I see being with long-term. Look, it's not you. You're a really great guy for doing all this, and any other princess locked up far away would be so lucky to have you. It's just that I have so much going on with me right now that I don't have time to be betrothed by the first royal hunk who comes to my aid. I've already done the whole "damsel getting rescued and marrying the hero prince" thing, and honestly, it's not for me. To put it simply: I've had a lot of time to think since falling into the clutches of Malvusta. I realized, I don't want to be tied down. I was literally tied down for an entire year. I want to go out and see the world, have adventures, make some real connections that aren't just with mice and swallows. If you still want to be friends, I would be more than happy to accommodate your wish. We can dance together at the next royal ball, but platonically, of course. We can sing songs out in the forest about our enduring friendship alongside the prancing woodland creatures. Let's just not complicate things by trying to unite our kingdoms and all that messy stuff. And no, I'm not just saying this because I'm not looking for a relationship with you specifically… But… Now that we're here, maybe I can give you advice on what to do better the next time you save some fair maiden. Firstly, maybe wipe off all the battle sweat from your face before you start frenching me. There is literally no rush. Seriously, I'm under a sleeping enchantment. I'm not going anywhere. Secondly, try introducing yourself after I wake. A "Hi my name is Prince Charming" would suffice in lieu of your first words to me being, "We shall wed at dawn." Also maybe do something about that Prince Charming name. I'm just getting major ick from it. So, again, despite your insistence that our undying love will bring everlasting peace and prosperity to the land, I really just see us more as friends. Yes, I know only true love's kiss was supposed to break the enchantment placed on me, but I literally just met you. I'm starting to think Malvusta wasn't that great of a witch after all. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, or lose your confidence to get out there. I'm just looking for different things right now. I'm throwing down my hair, but I'm raising my expectations. I'm reclaiming my voice now that it's not in the possession of an evil witch. I'm shedding my corset and taking some self-defense classes so I can maybe stop getting kidnapped. I hope you understand. Also not for nothing: I'm 18 and you're 29.

Really Cool Things About The Upcoming Robot Apocalypse

Fri, 28 Jun 2024 02:44:12 +0000

Sex robots will simply break your neck quickly during intercourse. Presumably robots are too smart to allow reality tv to continue. Another chance to wear your Sarah Connor cosplay outfit. You very well could end up as someone better than you are now in the matrix. Your dead human flesh could possibly be used in the creation of a killer cyborg by the robot overlords!! So cool!! As a member of the human resistance, the various damp places you find to hide in are absolutely rent free! If they decide to keep you as a pet, you'll finally be able to enjoy a life of serenity and relaxation once they have you neutered. Your charred skull could possibly be used as a centerpiece at super fancy robot parties! Don't worry , the robots will keep Tik Tok around in order to properly display their robotic dancing prowess. Probably no more Nazi assholes.

The Audition: Aiming to Prove That It Is Possible to Make New Friends After the Age of 40

Fri, 28 Jun 2024 02:28:20 +0000

The role: Friend. Bring your A-game, as this could be the gig of a lifetime for you. Literally. The casting directors: My husband Rusty and myself, aiming to prove that it is possible to make new friends after the age of 40. The setting: Our kitchen table. (Excerpts from the directors' notes follow.) Auditionee #1 - Sarah T. Sarah made a strong first impression. When asked how she liked her coffee, she replied, "Black, like my Presidents." No argument there! An artist / website designer, Sarah disarmed us with her witty banter and upbeat personality. A level of comfort was quickly established. It was going very well until she asked, "So since you guys have no kids, who's inheriting your rent-stabilized lease? You could adopt me! I'm kidding!" Then she burst into manic laughter. And just like that, those sparkly eyes became crazy eyes. Auditionee #5 - Michael R. Michael, a millennial gay man, had recently gotten over a painful breakup and was looking to "explore new friendscapes," as he put it. He brought up his love of classic film and the three of us spent a terrific thirty minutes discussing the work of Todd Haynes, how Antonioni's "Blow Up" informed De Palma's "Blow Out" and just generally geeking out over flicks we liked. Then he said, "I'm working on a screenplay. Would you like to read it?" As he whipped out his iPad, we realized he meant read it now. "It's about two men going through a painful breakup. I've completed eighty pages." Rusty acted quickly and pretended to get a call from his grandmother (who's been dead for years). I married the right guy. Auditionee #24 - Matthew J. At first glance, Matt seemed too young for the role, but we kept an open mind. This Gen Zer got off to a great start. He talked about how much he likes "old music" like The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Garbage and The White Stripes - basically the playlist of our youth. Excellent. He also seemed to truly enjoy hearing stories about NYC in the aughts - or the "old days," as he called them. Unfortunate phraseology aside, Matt's enthusiasm for music, art and literature was a pleasant surprise and it was at this point that he became our front-runner. Then the conversation turned to politics. "The 2016 election was the first one I could vote in," he explained, "and I went with Jill Stein. I voted for Biden in 2020. But I don't know, man…if a viable third-party candidate comes along this year, I might go that route again. Shake things up a little, you know?" As I watched the veins on Rusty's forehead start to throb, I thanked Matt for his time and lied, "We'll be in touch." Auditionee #47 - Kaden P. Kaden arrived at the front door wearing a Jason Aldean t-shirt. Hahahaha! Seriously, universe? No fucking way. Auditionee #118 - Monica W. Ashlee burst into the room full of kinetic energy. Clad in yoga pants and a tank top, this slender mother of two was a fireball. She plopped down and exclaimed, "My husband's job is so demanding! And now that both kids are in school all day, I'm looking to make new friends!" I remarked on her Fitbit. "Oh, I'm obsessed with it! Gotta get those steps! I've been told I have the resting heart rate of an Olympic skier!" I joked, "Well, I've been told I have the resting bitch face of Anna Wintour!" Ashlee sternly replied, "That has nothing to do with fitness." Suddenly I remembered a comment a Whole Foods employee once whispered to me as we watched a woman much like Ashlee almost knock an elderly man over with her cart. "Those yoga moms are scary." Agreed. The winner: Sean G. Sean is a fortyish writer who landed the role without an audition. He's left-of-center politically and has a great sense of humor. Like us, he likes a lot of older indie music, but is also open to discovering new stuff. He's charming, he's a good conversationalist and we're certain that Sean doesn't have any weird baggage or personality traits that are going to catch us off guard down the road. How are we certain of this? Rusty created him using AI. We'd like to...

Please Complete This Brief Survey About Your Recent Elevator Ride

Fri, 28 Jun 2024 01:33:28 +0000

You recently took a ride in our elevator. Customer satisfaction is very important to us. Please help us by completing this five minute survey to tell us about your experience. What was the main purpose of your elevator trip? Business Pleasure Just taking a test drive Get away from my spouse/roommate Which answer best describes your experience riding this and other elevators? This was my first time riding any elevator. I have ridden elevators in the past, but this was my first ride in this elevator. I have ridden this elevator a few times before. I live or work in the building and have a season subscription to the elevator. I live in this elevator. Scheduling When it came to scheduling your elevator ride, please select the statements that you agree with. The button(s) were easy to find. The button lit up brightly after I pressed it. I felt confident the elevator was coming. I did not have to wait long for the elevator to arrive. The ads on the wall monitor had the right balance of relevance and eroticism. Elevator Operator If there was an elevator operator, please select the statements that you agree with. The operator greeted me with a smile and a warm hello. The operator understood my elevation needs. The operator had the required knowledge and training to operate the elevator. The operator communicated what would happen using clear, non-technical language. The operator gossiped about people who live or work in the building. The operator promoted conspiracy theories. The operator used a slur the expected number of times. The Ride What phrase best describes the direction the elevator was traveling? Going up Going down Side to side When you read the option "Going down", what was your reaction? Turned on Grossed out Not sure what you mean How did you feel when the elevator door opened on your floor? Calm Nervous Nauseous An urgent need to pee Level achieved! Unpleasant Events Did you experience any of the following unpleasant events during your ride? Select all that apply. Kid got in and pressed all the buttons Lazy person took the elevator for just one floor Elevator passed my destination floor several times in both directions. Power outage Awkward encounter with someone who has blocked me on social media Fart Groped by another passenger or by the operator Fatal elevator crash We are sorry you encountered someone who is blocking you on social media. What happened in your last interaction before they blocked you? Select all that apply. I sent them a nude photo. I tried to sell them a timeshare. I insulted their looks and/or intelligence. I expressed an opinion about the Israel-Palestine conflict. Final Thoughts How satisfied were you with your overall experience in the elevator? Worst trip ever! Disappointed Meh Cool beans The ride of my life!! How likely are you to recommend this elevator to a friend or coworker? Very unlikely Unlikely Whatever Likely Very likely If this elevator had not been available, what other mode(s) of transportation would you have considered? Select all that apply. A competitor's elevator Stairs Rappel Climb the building like Spiderman If you have additional feedback about how we can improve your experience, please enter it below. Your feedback will remain anonymous because we promise not to read it. We hope you enjoyed this survey. Please click the link below to share your survey experience and tell us how we did. https://www.surveymonkey.com/ r/GR93BD9

Welcome to Patrick Bateman's YouTube Channel

Thu, 27 Jun 2024 01:35:54 +0000

Hey guys, thanks so much for joining me again today! As you know, I usually focus on skincare and fitness regimens here, but a lot of you have been asking about my getting-away-with-multiple murders routine, so without further ado, here are my hacks. (Laughs) I'm so bad! Ok, first things first, you're gonna want to run with a crowd of similar-looking friends who all have similar-looking significant others. It's ok to set yourself apart a little by having a slightly better haircut, but trust me guys - being indistinguishable from your peers is all part of successfully getting away with being a serial killer. Next, make sure those friends are just as shallow and self-absorbed as you are. If they're constantly concerned with their looks, wardrobes, business cards, and dinner reservations, there's no way they have time to wonder or care about anyone else. They won't even register that freaky confession you said directly to them. Also, just don't be afraid to be hot. People inherently trust hotter people way more; it's a scientific fact. If you're smokin', not only will others be more likely to believe you when you say you don't know what happened to that missing person, but they'll also be more willing to sleep with you and become yet another of your potential victims, so win-win! As you can see, now we're in a dark alleyway. I know, sorry about the lighting, but it's kind of crucial to the whole not-getting-caught thing. I'm gonna go ahead and leave on my herb-mint facial mask while we do this…I know, I look funny, but this is so important…I like to have buttery-feeling skin and a healthy glow whenever I eviscerate someone. So, here's an unsuspecting victim nobody will miss. She is so stunning, I almost feel bad about killing her, but not enough. On with the leather gloves, and shout out to Harper - thanks girl for this adorable lambskin pair! They are such a vibe. Perfect for keeping fingerprints at bay and, most of all, saving my manicure… …Ok, and murder complete! (breathes heavily) Sorry, I'm having a moment right now. On to the tricky part - getting away with it. Now as you guys already know, I only promote stuff if I truly believe in the product, which is why I cannot say enough good things about this Jean Paul Gaultier garment bag. Not only is it stylish, it's practical for concealing and disposing of dead bodies and it can distract your dumbass friends from realizing there even is a body inside. They'll be so busy admiring your exquisite taste that they won't notice the distinct adult human shape inside. Crazy, right? The privacy of your home can be a good place to kill someone too, and the light is way better. You'll want to have a lot of cleaning products on hand. I discovered this no-splash bleach the other day, and guys, I can't even tell you how obsessed I am. Also, make sure you blast some music if this is the route you choose to go - not only is it fun to give your clueless victims a little monologue about your favorite tunes in the last moments of their lives, but the noise level helps keep your neighbors from hearing the screams or the sound of chainsaws. Don't be afraid to dance like no one's watching, because no one will be! For those at-home murders, feel free to utilize your kitchen freezer for body parts afterward. It's a great option when you're not sure how long you want to have the corpse around, and it takes care of the whole smell problem. You don't want your sanctuary to reek of death later when you're ready to unwind with some self-care. Last but not least, always appreciate your supporters, whomever they may be. I personally find some of the alt-right camp kind of poor and gross, but if they want to deify me for my wealth, sex life, and ability to get away with hurting women, well then, who am I to be judge-y? You never know what moron might be willing to take the fall for you in the future, so all I'm saying is keep those options open. That's all from me for today, but thank you guys for watching...

The Ten Commandments Revised for Louisiana Public Schools

Tue, 25 Jun 2024 21:30:59 +0000

"Louisiana has become the first state to require that the Ten Commandments be displayed in every public school classroom, the latest move from a GOP-dominated Legislature pushing a conservative agenda under a new governor." -AP News, 6/20/24 1. You shall have no other governors before Me, Governor Jeff Landry of the great state of Louisiana. 1. You shall not make for yourself a carved image - any likeness of anything that is in any other religion other than whatever warped cult-like Evangelical Trumpism Christianity we worship in the Louisiana legislature. For I, the Landry your Governor, am a jealous Governor, visiting the iniquity (I don't know what that word means because I was educated in Louisiana public schools) fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of the ACLU who hate Me, but showing mercy to dozens, to those who love Me and keep my My commandments (and also whisper in my ear when this press conference is over what the hell iniquity means). 1. You shall not take the name of the Lord your Governor in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes Him to court for violating the First Amendment. 1. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy, unless the Sabbath is Shabbat and you are Jewish. We don't have those in Louisiana. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Landry your Governor. If this was actually Exodus 20:8-11, I would tell you to rest. But since you're a student please for the love of God do your homework and study on the Sabbath, for we have spent so much time and taxpayer money policing the religion of our state that we don't have the resources left to actually teach, and thus rank 47th in education nationwide. 1. Honor your father and your mother, unless they are a religion other than Evangelical Christianity, that your days may be long upon the land which the Landry your Governor is giving you, unless you rent. 1. You shall not murder from the moment of conception. After birthday, we don't really care what you do anymore. 1. You shall not commit adultery. Probably more relevant for conservative Republican lawmakers than 5th graders, but we're not going to address that at this time. Thou shall only learn abstinence-only sex education, so you'll never know what this means anyway. 1. You shall not steal. Unless you're stealing your ideals for governing from autocratic oligarchs. In that case, be our guest. 1. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. Unless your neighbor is gay. 1. You shall not covet. I just learned what "covet" means. You shall not "covet" your neighbor's house, unless they have a pool or live on a golf course. Then, maybe you can get them evicted for being poor, which is not the Governor's will. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, unless she is younger and hotter than your own.

Witch's Potions, And What They Do

Fri, 21 Jun 2024 18:19:44 +0000

Powdered Eye Of Newt Advanced arm wrestling ability upgrade. Skin Shavings From Recently Deflowered Warlock Up to 50% off your regular car insurance. Feather Of A Witch's Familiar Ability to suddenly understand the appeal of The Bachelor. Distilled Cupid Tears Akin to the shingles vaccine, but with a slight sour cream and cheddar aftertaste. Pickled Antichrist Placenta Sharpens up your tennis swing. Blessed Stomach Lining Of A Dragon Become a master of the 2 Step overnight!! Scrap of Torn Flesh Containing Ancient Druid Tattoo A zesty addition to any vinegar based salad. Ashes Of Burnt Ouija Board Possessed By Serial Killer Demon The base ingredient of a real chocolate cake with no calories!!

Essential Ales - A Pyramid Scheme for the Rest of Us

Fri, 21 Jun 2024 02:52:17 +0000

Hi Stuart. Thanks so much for meeting with me today. Can I get you a large tap water or anything from the counter? They all know me here. No? Okay, great. Thanks for accepting my Facebook Messenger request. I can't believe we haven't hung out since sophomore year in high school! Me? Man, I'm so busy these days with Sandra working full time. That's my mom. Every week I have to power through whatever's new on Netflix and Xbox, then all the rest of my time goes into my new organization. What's the organization, I think I heard you ask? Well, let me put it to you this way: do you ever wish you had more control over your life? Most people are wasting their lives chained to a desk and working to make some CEO a little richer, am I right? What if you could take that time back for yourself? What if you could be your OWN boss? I can see you reaching for your keys, Stu. I know what you're thinking, and I'm not trying to recruit you to sell some kind of makeup or juice or fitness tortilla wrap for the human body. I have no doubt you feel the same way about all that pyramid scheme garbage that I do: sad that they're having all that fun with their friends without us. Did I read your mind there, Stuey? Just like you, probably, I waited for years to be invited into a multi-level marketing racket. Watching everyone on their four-hour lunch meetings and their social media live streams really got me thinking. Why not me? I'm a fun guy. I deserve a chance to try to solve my financial problems by taking a week trip to an airport hotel in Columbus. That's why I founded Essential Ales: a pyramid scheme for the rest of us. If you're struggling with the realities of loneliness and failure, my Essential Ales are a miracle cure-I have to tell you the FDA hasn't come around on that claim yet-and I have an exciting opportunity for some motivated consumer-distributors to help me get the word out. Do you like friends? Do you like drinking? Do you want to be taken seriously about it? Then I want you on my team. No, Stu-pendous, this isn't just about booze. We'll expect you to stay familiar with the product, obviously, but we are in the people business! Those late nights at the bar will be official meetings, and we'll spend most of them scheduling other meetings. You've seen the spirited scheming that goes on once our miracle product starts flowing: weekend plans, road trips, and pledges to be best friends forever. You deserve a job where everyone in attendance can't stop talking about the next official meeting. If you need to quit, there are meetings for that, too. It won't always be easy. I'm looking for top performers willing to go the extra mile: real bar closers not afraid of a 3-day recruiting binge. This line of work will show you who your real friends and family are. The losers in your life will try to stop you. When that happens, I find that the product helps. Ready for the best part? You can operate remotely anywhere, at any time! Well, not while driving, trust me, but what you do at home during the day is nobody's business but your new business! Schedule a call with your team and you can collaborate at any time, all over the globe. Really makes you feel bad for those "cool" pyramid jockeys with a garage full of stretchy pants, eh? So what do you say? Want to keep working for the sober nerds for a measly full-time salary and benefits, or are you thirsty to become the second ever Essential Ale-oholic?

Tesla Announces Awesome and Super Not Dangerous Products for Females

Thu, 20 Jun 2024 23:11:27 +0000

HusbandAI Everyone knows that Tesla loves the ladies - especially those hideous feminists who can't even pay a man to stick around. Now those spinsters can enjoy HusbandAI, a device made for cats to wear, and jezebels to enjoy. Simply strap your cat, probably named Ryan Gosling, to the HusbandAI, and finally, a man will talk at you. HusbandAI tells you the sweet nothings any spouse would, such as "Why don't you dress like your friend Veronica?" or "The mental load is a myth." Just like a glorious human man, HusbandAI will never do the dishes, never scrub a toilet…but he always leaves indestructible skid marks the way gals secretly enjoy. Where does he leave them? Sky's the limit, princess. HusbandAI knows that wiping his ButtAI makes him gay. NeuraBra Have you noticed the lack of giant tits due to the cuckification of America? Behold the NeuraBra, an entirely new manner of strapping tig-ol-biddies up to your neck…and it's controllable by your man. The NeuraBra comes with two parts - a microchip implanted into the master's brain, and the bra, locked onto the female's chestal region. Only the master has the key, because chicks lose everything. Using just the unparalleled power of man-thoughts, the NeuraBra gigantizes the boobs or spins them in different directions. Imagine you, a glorious TradWife, doing baby things or whatever. Suddenly your knockers begin twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom! Picture your delight as you can't control your own body whatsoever. Some 3rd degree burns have been reported by the media, but they lie, and so does that witch Jennifer who DID NOT win that lawsuit. Self-Driving Vibrators The fairer sex are feckless creatures and terrible drivers. Therefore, they can't be trusted to use vibrators correctly, which is while crying and wishing for a boyfriend who is pale and from South Africa. Introducing the new Tesla Self-Driving Vibrator. It's the vibrator women need but don't want, and its rate of explosion is 3% down over beta testing. That's a lot of numbers for the female brain, but what it means is that the Tesla Self-Driving Vibrator will never replace that real-life man you brought home last weekend - undoubtedly excellent at lady-sex stuff, like all guys. HoverToaster Are you too much of a manic pixie dream girl to own a regular appliance? Are you too sexy to purchase a toaster that doesn't fly or randomly electrocute you? If you allow a little electrocution to un-woman you, then the Tesla HoverToaster is not for you, chicky. It burns bread faster than any other toaster in existence, clocking in at an unparalleled 1.3 seconds. Can GE manage that? Or the Chinese??? Nobody makes food inedible like Tesla, just as nobody else is murdering their drivers the way we can. Afraid? That's natural for the gentler sex. Only the top 1% of you can even catch the HoverToaster, much less survive it. BullyLink Finally, a product that allows free speech! BullyLink is the tool you need to speak your supportive female mind about how liberal women shouldn't exist, angry women shouldn't exist, and how women shouldn't be allowed to say no. Because nothing is more important than free speech, sweetie. Buckle Tesla BullyLink to your mouth, and 17 pounds of badass metal will immediately make you look smarter than the other PTA women - and definitely won't cause face prolapse. With BullyLink, you can scold enemy broads close to you, or far away with its patented BullyECHO feature. Watch glass and hysterical fee-fees shatter everywhere you go! Although BullyLink is megaultrapowerful, do not use BullyLink in water, at an elevation above 500 feet, or near squirrels. By reading this, you agree to indemnify Tesla from all squirrel king attacks. The CyberPad Are you, a genuine lady, tired of woke products showing you reality, which makes you frown? Frowning is disgusting. Look no further than the Tesla CyberPad, a new internet tool to feed you the misinformation men wish were real. CyberPad can be activated by any non-D...

10 Classic Novel Titles That Are Also Cryptic Ways to Order at a Deli

Wed, 19 Jun 2024 20:01:14 +0000

A Tale of Two Cities (A Philly cheese steak with Bologna) The Grapes of Wrath (When you're allergic to grapes but can't help yourself from indulging in buttered cinnamon raisin toast) Oliver Twist (If your name is Oliver and you want turkey on challah) The Lord of The Rings (If you happen to come from a landowning British family and want half a dozen everything bagels with cream cheese) The Catcher in the Rye (Ham and swiss on pumpernickel) The Old Man and the Sea (When you want whatever the elderly man next to you ordered, and it's a tuna-salad sandwich) Brave New World (Mungbean pastrami with vegan mayo on whole grain) The Outsiders (An open-face sandwich enjoyed in the company of your cross-town rivals) The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (Chef's pick when you're at lunch with your in-laws and they seat you next to the coat rack) Lord of the Flies (Raw beef on white)

'House of the Dragon' Dragon or Obscure Streaming Service?

Tue, 18 Jun 2024 19:04:48 +0000

Ready for House of Dragon season 2? Do you remember who's a Targaryen and who's a Hightower? Do you remember the name of a single dragon from season 1? Do you even remember what streaming service the show is on? Neither do I. But I know I subscribe to it. Because my Visa bill says I subscribe to ALL of them. 1. Vermax 2. Youku 3. Xumo 4. Syrax 5. Meleys 6. Tidal 7. Mubi 8. Caraxes 9. Vhagar 10. Plex 11. Vivamax 12. Dreamfyre 13. Arrax Dragon: 1, 4, 5, 8, 9, 12, 13 Streaming Service: 2, 3, 6, 7, 10, 11

Unwelcome "I Hardly Know Her" Punchlines From Your Obnoxious Coworker

Tue, 18 Jun 2024 18:35:57 +0000

Piledriver? I hardly know'er! Texas Hold 'em Poker? I hardly know'er! Buster Keaton? I hardly know'er! Incubator? I hardly know'er! Sandpaper? I hard'y know'er! Cheesegrater? I hardly know'er! Particle accelerator? I hardly know'er! Pez Dispenser? I hardly know'er! Everlasting gobstopper? I hardly know'er! Get to the chopper? I hardly know'er! Fifty-two-inch blade, seventeen horsepower zero turn lawnmower? I hardly know'er! Obnoxiously inappropriate coworker? I hardly know'er! Sexual harassment in the workplace complaint form folder? I hardly know'er! Your honor, I never knew'er!

Dear Dad From Bluey, Happy Father's Day - Thank You For Raising Me

Thu, 13 Jun 2024 21:44:10 +0000

Although it's often overlooked, Father's Day is truly one of the most important holidays of the year. Being a father is a full-time job (and an incredibly difficult one as well). Which is why, this Father's Day, I would just like to take some time to thank the one man in my life who supported me, cared for me, and single-handedly turned me into the thoughtful and conscientious person that I am today. Dear dad from the animated children's show Bluey… thank you. Thank you for raising me. Dad from Bluey, every day you inspire me to become a better man than the one I was the day before. Your unflinching kindness and compassion have strengthened my heart, my mind, and my soul. And, even though I am not a fictional, dark blue, anthropomorphic Australian Cattle Dog (like yourself), I know that I'm so, so lucky to have met you. Thank you, dad from Bluey. I love you. You're always there for me, dad from Bluey. No matter where I am, no matter what time of day it is, whenever I'm feeling sad and low, I know that I can always count on you to make my life a little brighter. For example, the first night I moved to Chicago right after college, I was feeling lost, alone, and more than a little frightened. So I reached out to the one man in my life who I knew could cheer me up… and I watched the Bluey episode "Café," where you befriended another dog dad in the playground by pretending that you two were both eating at a restaurant. Dad from Bluey, you taught me that no matter what age you are, that it's never too late to start making friends. You taught me that, dad from Bluey. And last year, after I broke up with my long-term girlfriend, I felt like no one would ever love me again. Or, at least, I did until I watched the episode "The Magic Xylophone," where it was revealed that you had been picking your nose the first time that you met your future wife, the anthropomorphic Red Heeler dog Chilli. And I realized in that moment that, when love is true, minor personality quirks will never be able to stand in the way of the rich tapestry of mutual devotion. I could never have that kind of a breakthrough with my real father. Hell, I can't even imagine having that kind of a conversation with him. But you, dad from Bluey, you're the one man I can trust to always steer me in the right direction. Dad from Bluey, time and time again, you have provided for me, and you have protected me. You have cared for me, and you have always treated me with patience, kindness, and dignity. You have taught me, believed in me, nourished me, and sacrificed for me. And I'll always be thankful that you did. And, look, I get that you're not perfect, dad from Bluey. In the episode "Whale Watching," you and Chilli were too tired to play with your children after staying up too late at a New Year's Eve party. And in "Dance Mode," you bribed your daughter, Bingo, with a $20 bill in order to prevent her from activating the titular 'dance mode,' which would have forced you to dance embarrassingly in public. And in the episode "Unicorse," you were honestly kind of a jerk to your wife and daughter… And there weren't really any consequences to this, which was just kind of weird. But throughout all of your flaws, you never stopped trying to be a better man, a better dog, and a better father for your two fictional children (who are also Australian Cattle Dogs). And, as a result, you never stopped becoming a better father figure to me. Which is why I just wanted to take this time to celebrate your incredible legacy. Happy Father's Day, dad from Bluey. Thank you. Thank you for being there. Thank you for everything. Today I'm honoring you and all that you have done for me. Also, now that I think about it, if I'm writing an article like this, I guess I should probably thank my own dad too, or something… so, if you're reading this right now, happy Father's Day, pops. You were no dad from Bluey, but you still did fine.

Healthy Habits to Multi-Task While You Work, by Occupation

Thu, 13 Jun 2024 21:18:39 +0000

Project Manager Eating Healthy, Crunchy Meals Off Mute During Zoom Call Presentations: Food fuels the body, so it's essential to be eating healthy, whole, and nutritious foods during the work day. But what if you have back-to-back Zoom presentation meetings? Eat the crunchiest, loudest fruits and vegetables on your Zoom calls while you present, and before you know it, you'll not only have more energy, but you won't be invited to presentation meetings anymore because everyone will be so disgusted by you! You'll actually have time to take your hour lunch, and have more open time on your calendar to get your actual work done. Environmental Scientist Pause To Take Deep Breaths And Inhale Pollution: Working in the STEM field can be stressful when each day you're fighting for funding from a government that doesn't believe in climate change. But there's a way to still live life healthily while on the job. We recommend buying a premium Headspace membership with your entire paycheck, take a few deep breaths, and start inhaling the pollution you're studying. You'll be in such a meditative state you'll forget that the environment you're studying is actively killing you. Software Developer Practice Self-Care By Creating Your Own Sauna With Your Sweat By Talking to a Female Colleague: You spend all day coding, but not enough time breaking a good ol' sweat and releasing those bad toxins you have from drinking all those Red Bulls. But now there's an answer to how you get your sweat on in a healthy way. Just by attempting to talk to the one girl in your department, you'll be drenched in sweat like you just finished an hour-long session in the sauna at the spa. The best part? You won't get in trouble with HR because the girl won't even consider you flirting because you'll be so bad at it. Sometimes it's hard to get a full 8 hours at night when you can't fall asleep in fear that you make a mistake and would be responsible for the deaths of hundreds or even thousands of people. There's no better time than taking a quick siesta once the planes have taken off and are totally safe at 40,000 feet, probably. Middle Manager Limit Your Screen Time By Walking Away From Your Laptop So That Your Team Can Actually Get Work Done: Being the big dog, it seems like everyone on your team needs something from you, all the time-or do they? Or maybe they actually just want to be left alone for five minutes so they can actually do their work instead of being interrupted by you, who doesn't even know how to do their job? Regardless, micromanaging-we mean, managing, is an incredibly tough role to be in, and there are only countless millions of managers who can relate to you. Instead of pinging your subordinates at 7pm on Friday, try limiting your screen time and stepping away for a while, maybe forever. Reduced screen time has proven to be helpful with sleep, but you'll also boost productivity for your entire team because you won't be sending them seven 30-minute check-ins throughout the day! Cyber Security Officer Co-Work With Friends and Reveal Confidential U.S. Government Secrets: Sometimes when you're always on the job, it feels like you barely have enough time to see your friends and socialize-so why not combine the two? Co-working has shown to be beneficial in that it actually helps you focus on your work, get more done, and be more likely to spill confidential, high-profile government secrets that you have signed an NDA for. It's a win-win because your friends will finally understand what you actually do all day, and you can finally exhale and talk about those darn aliens they're keeping in a warehouse in Arizona-at least until you're taken away in handcuffs! Chief Financial Officer Work Out In Your Home Gym During House Arrest: Being on house arrest for committing a white collar crime is part of the job, so it's time you make the most of it. You know how to crunch numbers in your favor, now let's crunch those abs at that home gym you built when you lost cu...

Tips for Writing a Happy Obituary

Thu, 13 Jun 2024 01:20:24 +0000

Start with, "They were the life of the party." No one needs to know they were never invited. Be sure to mention that the dearly departed was surrounded by loved ones. Lonely corpses are sad. Note that they "died peacefully." Last breath tantrums are unappealing. "They died doing what they love" is a good line. Who are we to judge? Who doesn't adore cancer, car crashes, self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the head? Say they were, "a fighter, battled valiantly till the end!" The fact that they gave up on life years ago is irrelevant. Remember, it's a "Celebration of Life," not a funeral. Funerals are depressing. Be sure to mention they're in a "better place." Earth sucks, so this is true for everyone. Highly recommend throwing in Heaven. Avoid Hell. It's a downer (though you know that's where they're headed). Their death was "tragic," and must be noted as such. Yes, even if they died peacefully in their sleep, surrounded by loved ones, doing what they loved. I know this isn't happy, but it helps bring in the dough (see last tip). In Lieu of flowers, please send donations to [YOUR GOFUNDME PAGE]. Might as well profit off the poor bastard.

What Other Flags Mean When Flown Upside Down

Wed, 12 Jun 2024 01:00:02 +0000

Boy Scout flag We learned how to tie all the knots, but we did not learn how to untie them. Please send help. Girl Scout flag We're out of cookies. Wisconsin flag We're out of beer. Florida flag Florida Man currently vacationing in Nantucket. California flag Some of our bears mate with geckos, and their offspring consequently walk on the ceiling. Jolly Roger flag Come aboard and take yer booty back. House of Rapunzel flag The royal barber insisted that a pixie cut looked best with Rapunzel's face shape. Lego castle flag When your cheap-ass parents buy you the dollar store bricks that don't even fit together right. Pride flag Sweet, sweet revenge of Vib G. Yor. Polish flag You can reach us at our winter residence in Monaco. Japanese flag Party 'til the sun goes down. New England Patriots flag We confess to all of it: Spygate, Deflategate, replacing Tom Brady with a robot in that BetMGM ad. Prince symbol flag Lake Minnetonka closed to swimmers on account of blue-green algae. We ask for your patience while we purify the waters. Pineapple flag I'm pretty sure I can talk my wife into it. Canadian flag It's autumn.

Ten Tips for Wives to Better Understand Their Husband of 20+ Years While on a Beach Vacation

Tue, 11 Jun 2024 23:52:31 +0000

1) Purchases of t-shirts by your husband from beach breweries will never exceed the amount of decorative whale pillows you purchase from artsy beach stores, even if it feels like it. 2) There are only two conditions when it's acceptable to suggest to your husband that he purchase a new bathing suit at the beach: 1. He accidentally left the one bathing suit he owns at home. 2. You, or a random passerby, point out that his testicles are visible through the faded fabric of his current suit. 3) Your husband will act like he didn't notice the attractive lady thirty yards to the left. In reality, he saw her an hour ago and already downloaded the virtual JPEG image into the deep recesses of his brain, where only alike photos, irrelevant sports statistics, and obscure lyrics to grunge band songs reside. 4) If you suggest to your husband that he reapply his sunscreen and he waves you off, he's not being disrespectful. He just thinks that if Obi-Wan Kenobi can fight Annakin Skywalker on the fiery planet of Mustafar in Star Wars episode III: Revenge of the Sith, and not get burned, neither will he. 5) If your husband wants you to stop into one of those old-time photo places on the boardwalk with him, dress up in pre-Victorian costumes that haven't been washed since pre-Victorian times, and spend $118 on poor quality photos, just go along with it. 6) Inevitably, your husband will try and explain the weather patterns on the coast and how they differ from the ones at home. 96% of what he says is either made up or is something his father told him in 1986. Nod your head and say, "That's neat, dear." 7) Your husband doesn't want to try seven different restaurants for dinner. He prefers visiting the same one seven times in a row because they cooked his flounder to perfection last year. After the first night, he'll realize the flounder wasn't as good as he remembers and you'll be free to explore other options. 8) Your husband can't be expected to do your laundry while on vacation. You have a lot of weird beach clothes of varying fabrics and he doesn't understand the meaning of 'delicates.' His entire laundry doing experience revolves around cotton. You can, and should, blame his mother for this. 9) Fun fact: Every scented candle smells exactly the same to your husband. Therefore, he trusts you to select the perfect beach themed one to pair with the plethora of whale pillows you already purchased. 10) Your husband is genetically engineered to yell "This is bullshit," while stuck in beach traffic. In 2024, he is also allowed to add a "Goddammit," at his own discretion, because these days the GPS will tell him the exact moment he'll arrive home, and it's steadily increasing. He's not yelling at you, even if he's yelling in your direction because he wanted to leave an hour earlier than you actually did.

Conducting Yourself Properly During A Séance

Fri, 07 Jun 2024 19:30:34 +0000

Don't contact anyone from the spirit world who hasn't watched the last several seasons of The Bachelorette, or you'll be up with them half the night. You must keep your hands clasped together with the hands of those on either side of you during the seance; no playing grab-ass beneath the table. If the departed spirit had been lactose intolerant during their time in our realm, make sure not to serve any dairy products to your guests. The departed cannot consume the inflammatory items, of course, but it's just kind of rude. Try to not contact a departed spirit who ever had a one night stand with someone famous during their life, as that's all that they want to talk about, even if it was with some soccer player or something that no one cares about. Please do not break wind during the seance, even if you think that you can sneak one out; the departed spirit knows and can hear all, and the medium channeling the spirit will definitely call you out on it. Prior to the seance, cover all nearby mirrors with black cloth. Mirrors are a gateway between our world and the afterlife which can be breached, and your less attractive friends will be relieved to avoid a reminder of their unappealing appearance. Bringing a Ouija board to a seance is like bringing a lice comb to an orgy; it's bad form, just don't do it. Please don't vape during the seance; many spirits enjoy appearing in the realm of the living with a subtle introduction of otherworldly smoke, and it's very inappropriate to cock block their grand entrance.

The National Park Service Welcomes You, Maybe

Thu, 06 Jun 2024 15:01:28 +0000

Last summer our @NatlParkService account was famous for warning people about bears in National Parks. But we're not just about bears. And you tourists are not just about trying to pet bears. TIPS: Please do not kick the bison. This whole thing about "Are you safer in the woods with a man or a bear" - you know that's a pithy commentary on today's society, right? Indeed, we might even say a commentary on the history of human relations. What we might not say is that it's safe to be in the woods with a strange bear. A bear you already know and trust, sure, maybe. Maybe you already have a solid, trusting relationship with a bear: From your career in the circus, or your time as a zookeeper, when you spent all day pulling thorns out of bear paws. Or maybe you're a park ranger on vacation, Sarah, but even then you understand that Bob was just never going to be a safe choice in a relationship; I mean, his male friends all call him "Gropemaster" and the first thing he ever told you about himself was that he had a tower of empty White Claw cans 20 levels high. But the point is, the whole thing is a sad joke women instantly recognize as a truth about this crazy world we call Yosemite. You know that, right? Do not bring your Dad Band to the park. Do not play recordings of your Dad Band in any park, national or otherwise. It frightens the animals. It frightens everyone. Every living thing, including the grass. Please do not stick your hand in a boiling hot spring. Unless you do that at home. If that is how you are accustomed to getting spaghetti out of the pot at home, by all means, you, sir, absolutely know what you are doing, and who are we at the National Park Service to tell you that sticking your bare hand in a volcanically-heated, bubbling 198°F hot spring is going to harm your bare flesh. Speaking of bare: Once again, please do not attempt any physical contact with bears. This includes playful tickling, lustful sex, or dentistry. If you decide to take a cute picture of your three-year-old feeding a hot dog to a bison, just turn yourself in to the authorities now. (We are the authorities.) Your toddler's finger will not grow back. Speaking of fingers: You do not play the guitar as well as you think you do. You might think you've "still got it" but if you think about it, if you ever had it to still "got" you would not have have spent your career as an Enviro consultant and then an accountant for your cousin's car dealership when you failed at consulting. Just stop. We do have caves; play your gitbox in one of those. Maybe the bears will welcome you. Only you can prevent forest fires! It's strange that a bear knows this better than you do. It's weird that you even have matches. Who uses matches anymore? That thing under your car is called a "road." It is designed specifically to accommodate motor vehicles. If you do not see a road under your vehicle, you are in a ditch, bear's mouth, or 198°F hot spring. Our national parks contain many fabulous lakes that are not 198°F hot springs. However, if you decide to take a moonlit skinny dip with your loved one, we recommend you not leave you clothes on the path, where other campers might find them and walk off with them. (True story. I brought them back when the shouting started.) There are many natural herbs in our forests and canyons. Some have been known for centuries as sources of healing, even enlightenment. There are also many poisonous plants, and sometimes even poison ivy. If you want to make yourself tea from any of these, we can't stop you. We have also given up warning you about water quality, or that some of that water is 198°F. Please do not hog the outhouses. Speaking of outhouses, another reminder: Do not invite the other members of your Dad Band to jam with you around the campfire. It might seem harmless to you - even "fun" - but there are children sleeping within 400 square miles. And spouses that are already having second second thoughts about what retirement with you home ...

I, Pat Sajak, Have Retired to Spend More Time with My F_ _ _ _ _

Thu, 06 Jun 2024 14:11:52 +0000

Hi there! Nice to have you all here in my home. First tossup is worth 15 minutes of my attention. Category is "animal sounds." Piper? Squeak! No. Roger? Caw! That's it! Roger Sajak from right here in Los Angeles. Says here you're good friends with the other falcons down the street at Drew Carey's? Caw! Caw! Gotcha. Next we have Piper Sajack from - look at that - Los Angeles. I'm told you're a big fan of tug of war and playing in water? Squeak! Squeak! Good stuff. Classic ferret. And then we have Fibula Sajak, born in Chicago and now living in - wow! - Los Angeles. Amazing. Fibula, are you there? All contestants must be visible; this is TV. Because everyone is being filmed these days, Roger. That's how. Producers, do we have a substitute? Great. Helpful as always, Degas dancers. Howdy, Finger Sajak. I hear you love to paint, and you have nine siblings? I'm seeing a thumbs up from one of them. Alright then. You three will be going up against last week's players. You've seen them around. Next tossup is worth a half hour of my time. Category is "home appliance sounds." Faucet? Gushhh. Nope. Relax, Piper. Fridge? Hummm. You got it. Fridge Sajak, on the board. You know what? I'll be delegating that half hour to my maid. Still appreciate you, though. Which reminds me: it's 4:45. Time for dinner. Alright, our final tossup is worth twenty minutes, more or less. We're looking for "fresh out of the microwave cheesy food sounds." Fondue? Glub. No - microwaved cheesy food sounds. Fajita? Sizzzzle. Yes! Fajita Sajak, joining the fun. Don't look at me like that, Fondue. I make them cheesy, even if that isn't traditional. If you insist, go take it up with the judges on the chess board. No, silly, just the ones in black. Finger, can you spin the wheel for our next puzzle? While you're up, turn the faucet off? Yes, I forgot. Don't be difficult. I could stop getting manicures, you know. Thank you. The category now is "warm clothing sounds." Fedora, you'd like to solve? Fedora? I need an answer. Not quite your element, now is it. Fleece? Zzzzzip. Judges? Okay, we'll allow it. Fleece takes it, with an assist from finger and his spokesman. This being a prize puzzle, fleece, you'll get plenty of time with me… …on my trip next month to Alaska! Fedora, you wait here. Italy's in August. Our final puzzle before the commercial break is "sounds at my front door about two minutes after the security guard at my gate falls asleep." Fanboy? KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! Ugh, yeah. Piper, get out of my pant leg! Okay, Steve, Mitchell - whatever your name is. You win another 13 seconds with me while I sign this DVD box set for you. Congrats. Now if you don't mind, I have to do the bonus round and then settle in for Jeopardy. I think this is the day that Fridge finally gets a Daily Double.

I'm Your First Sunburn of the Season, And For The Next Month I Own Your Ass

Wed, 05 Jun 2024 23:20:24 +0000

Surprise! It's me, your first sunburn of the season. I know, it's a little soon, but I'm here, and quite frankly it's too late to try and stop me, so you might as well just get used to it. I can tell that you're pretty unhappy right now, and look: I get it. You get one nice, mild, sunny day and you decide to spend it outside. That's great! But next time you wish to relish in the beautiful weather, remember that I'm here to bring you down a peg. It's not a big deal, I am simply the vessel for transporting your negative thoughts and feelings from intangible concepts in your head to physical representations on your body. Sorry not sorry! Did you enjoy your time basking in the sun? Go to brunch with a friend? Take a walk in the park or maybe just run far, far away from all of your responsibilities? While these are completely normal and valid ways to feel joy for the first time in six months, they do not fly in my house. You will now have to take responsibility for your actions and accept your punishment of having a bright crimson-colored back for an undetermined amount of time. But actually, in this case, having merely a discolored back wouldn't be so bad. This time, I'm not just a little irritation on your shoulders or a semi-permanent flush on your chest. Get ready for: the great peeling. I'm sure you didn't forget about me. I'm the grossest part of a sunburn: skin shedding everywhere, flaking off in your bed and onto your clothes. I'm the aftermath of your bad decision, exposing you as a dummy who doesn't wear sunscreen, forcing all of your spaghetti-strap sundresses out of the daily rotation and into the back of your closet. I also make it difficult for you to wear a bra as I sit on your shoulders, itchy, painful, reminding you to take your sun protection seriously on even the most mild of days now that you've ended up here. Are you stressed out at the thought of my presence? Bam! I have now resulted in sunburn blisters, popping up on top of the already overexposed flesh and leftover skin. I'm on the top of your shoulders, the back of your ribcage, I'm everywhere. I'm Beetlejuice 2.0. How do you like me now? I'm ruining your dating life, too. Now that you feel awkward getting naked in front of people, you will not be having sex for quite some time. Your prospects have shrunk down to exclusively those whose opinions you don't care about, like one night stands or that one friends-with-benefits who is way more into you than you are into them. Honestly it doesn't matter, because your romantic and sexual desires will lessen with every peeling and every painful shower, where washing your disgusting body will remind you what a trainwreck you are and why no one should ever date you in the first place. Look on the bright side: at least it's only spring, and now you've learned your lesson for when summer rolls around. What a convenient excuse this time! Except that due to global warming, the weather is going to become more and more unpredictable, and the first nice day of the year will start falling earlier and earlier. Let me know when you turn tomato red in January, and maybe then I'll be satisfied with the "painful sunburn" shot to "worrying about skin cancer" chaser. Otherwise, I'll be here, waiting and watching. Cheers!

Jerry Seinfeld Asks, "What's The Deal With Masculinity?"

Tue, 04 Jun 2024 19:55:59 +0000

"'I like a real man': Jerry Seinfeld says he misses 'dominant masculinity'" - NBC News 5/30/2024 What is it with men these days? What's going on there? Back when I was a kid, men used to go to war, now they go to "therapy." That's an interesting racket isn't it? You pay a stranger 400 dollars to complain for an hour. It's almost like it was specifically invented for women. Do they give you advice? No. Do they tell you how to fix your problems? No. What do they say?, "I'm sorry you feel that way. Here's a tissue." Back in the day, nothing bothered a manly man. No, the only thing that bothered a manly man, were other manly men. Have you talked to one lately? It's police brutality this and trans-visibility that. Men complain about everything now. What happened to the stoic, strong, shove-it-all-the-way-deep down-and-forget-it type? Men used to settle arguments with a duel to the death. They would pull out their pistols and see who could kill the other one first. Nowadays, the way men deal with conflict is by talking to each other. Have you seen this? They actually talk and listen and debate with one another. It's obscene - go get a room! Hell, even gay men used to be manly. Remember Rock Hudson? Now that was a man's man. Sure, he was also a man to many men but he was suave, sophisticated, and tough. He even died manly - in secret, with no one around, and immediately cremated a couple hours later. Bing, bang, boom, done. Life used to be much simpler. If your TV was acting up, you give it a little slap. If your kid was acting up, you give him a little slap. Your wife? That's right - you give her a little slap. Have you tried fixing a TV lately? My god, the hoops you have to jump through. You dial 1 for English, you get put on hold, and by the time you finally get through you can't understand a single word she's trying to say. Next thing you know you're divorced! Men don't even have second families anymore. There was a time when you couldn't throw a rock without hitting some guy's second family. Everything has flipped on its side. There's women in the office and men in the kitchen. Men prefer cats over dogs and seltzers over beer. They ignore perfectly beautiful women on the street and even spend quality time with their children. Have they no shame? Real men are a dying breed. If we want any hope for survival, we need to stick together. That's why I propose a place where men could learn to be better versions of themselves. You know, a place where they could self-reflect and grow as men. A place to heal emotional wounds, while discovering new ones. What could that place be? Oh! I know - war!

QUIZ: Disney World EPCOT Center Pavilion Country or Country Felon Trump Banned From Visiting

Tue, 04 Jun 2024 19:29:20 +0000

1. India 2. Norway 3. China 4. Israel 5. Japan 6. Italy 7. Germany 8. New Zealand 9. Brazil 10. UK 11. Mexico 12. Ireland 13. France 14. Canada 15. Turkey Disney World EPCOT Center Pavilion Country: 2, 6, 7, 13 Country Felon Trump Banned From Visiting: 1, 4, 8, 9, 12, 15 Both: 3, 5, 10, 11, 14

In the Future, Everyone Will Sound Like Chris Pratt

Thu, 30 May 2024 20:46:01 +0000

In the future, all animated movie roles will be voiced by Chris Pratt. Every new and rebooted cartoon character will be Prattified, stripping them of their known timbres and inflections to instead don the casually masculine attitude of one Chris Pratt. Mickey Mouse, Shrek, and every single Minion will sound like Mario, Garfield, Emmet from The Lego Movie, and one of those blue guys from that Pixar film nobody talks about. In the future, Hollywood's sole media corporation, DisneyΩmega, will permanently dub Chris Pratt's voice into the entirety of its existing catalog of animated films. Subsequent generations of viewers will only be able to access Prattconned versions of An American Tale, The Iron Giant, and Frozen featuring Chris Pratt as both Anna and Elsa. In the future, your phone, your car, and your talking sex machine, will all speak to you in the tender-yet-bro-ish tones of Chris Pratt. Every syllable of every language will be recorded meticulously by Pratt allowing AI developers to design models of Chris Pratt's voice for limitless uses around the globe. In the future, the Internet and all virtual assistant apps will be replaced with one omnipresent, omniscient voice of Chris Pratt. Google will become useless, as all search queries will only surface "Chris Pratt" due to his millions of IMDb credits. In the future, news anchors will move to North Prattkoda to hone their regionless, Pratt-like delivery. Actors will study for years under specially-trained dialect coaches (Chris Pratt's great-great-grandchildren) to achieve an accurate Prattccent. In the future, the longest-running and only reality show left on television will be an annual competition marry the most eligible single guy who, like Chris Pratt, can transform from chubby comic relief to chiseled leading man, titled "The Prattchelor." In the future Emperor Chris Prattzenegger VII of The New World Government (a subsidiary of DisneyΩmega), will deem Chris Pratt's voice the ideal, aspirational expression of human communication. All schoolchildren will receive standardized testing to ensure their vocabulary is consistent with the preferred Prattxicon. In the future, the words "talking" and "speaking" will eventually be eclipsed by the more common usage of the phrase "Prattling" or "to make mouth noises in the way of the Pratt." Linguists will trace the origins of this new offshoot to the sacred streaming files of Parks and Recreation where it was first introduced to a wide audience (though some scholars will insist it dates back even further to the myths of Everwood.) In the future, all human labor will be in service of enforcing trademark laws on behalf of the estate of Chris Pratt, as due to his in perpetuity licensing agreement with the Disney Empire, everyone who speaks like Chris Pratt (i.e. everyone) owes him residuals for the use of his voice and likeness. An annual census will determine each individual's Pratt Burden and place them in either 80% or 90% income Pratt Bracket. In the future, by choosing only those mates whose voices sound the most like Prattesque, humans will evolve to homogenize all speech tones to that of our Star-Lord and savior, Guardian of the Galaxy, Chris Pratt. Dogs and cats will also be selectively bred to sound like Chris Pratt saying "woof" and "meow," respectively. In the future, all worship services at Orthodox Prattsbyterian churches will be conducted in the traditional Prattin, or "Pratt Latin." In the future, bionic implants will auto-tune all natural sounds to those of Chris Pratt. A blowing breeze through the trees will be heard as Chris Pratt's rascally rasp saying, "Woosh." Birds flying overhead will cry "Ca-caw" with Pratt's irascible sarcasm. The coo of an infant will be replaced with Chris Pratt's puckish, adult voice matter-of-factly uttering, "Hey, I'm a freakin' adorable baby." In the future, all will become Chris Pratt and Chris Pratt will become all. And stubble shall cover the Earth.

Didn't Make It Into The 27 Club? There's Still Time To Be an Icon

Thu, 30 May 2024 07:21:11 +0000

I woke up on my 28th birthday feeling like shit. It was not the hangover, nor was it the dread of inching closer to 30, which isn't even a thing anymore because everyone is all stoked to turn 30 now (apparently you finally figure out which pants don't look like absolute shit on you and also how to enjoy sex. It sounds fucking sick and frankly I can't wait.) What I'm talking about is that unmistakable pang of disappointment I got when I opened my eyes unscathed on my 28th birthday with the certainty that I was officially an artistic failure. In a sick way, living past the age of 27 is just a reminder that I am in fact not a rock & roll visionary whose legend will live on eternally in the hearts of devout fans at this point in my career. The 27 Club includes the larger-than-life musical masterminds Amy Winehouse, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Brian Jones and, most notably, not me. As I sipped my iced latte and watched my own Instagram story, I couldn't help but be disgusted, because I hate cold coffee and myself, but also because I realized that we as a society have failed to celebrate the other greats who stayed with us a little longer. They deserve to be inducted into their own postmortem club, too! And maybe I'm just waiting to join the right one for me. If you've lived past the age cut-off for The 27 Club like I did, you may simply be holding out to join one of these other iconic groups based on your specific talents and noteworthiness. "The Apostles 33" That's right. Thirty-three, AKA The Jesus Age. Dying at 33 could mean one of two things: 1) you're a nepo-baby whose father's fame gave you some perks and entitlement that ultimately got you into trouble in the end. The proof of this continues with Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy, daughter-in-law of John F. Kennedy, who tragically passed away in a private plane crash at this age. The second thing this could mean is that you are fucking hilarious. The curtain closed during Act 33 for comedy geniuses John Belushi and Chris Farley, so if you're 33 with an elite sense of humor I would consider it a full-on hex the next time someone comments "Dead." on your funny Tik Tok. "The 36 Chicks" This one is for my queens out there. Among this group who left their mark on this dull, undeserving world in just 36 years is Catherine Parr (the last queen of the House of Tudor), Princess motherfucking Diana (perhaps the most beloved royal there ever was), and American royalty herself, Marilyn Monroe. They slayed their best until they were laid to rest *nail polish emoji*. Ok that was in poor taste but the whole concept of this article is kinda fucked so if you're not into it just go back to watching Trader Joe's recipe videos and no one will judge you. "The Double Troubles" It's no coincidence that groundbreaking men like Christopher Columbus and Matthew Perry died at double the age of 27: 54. But sometimes more is not always better. Each of these men are famous for playing a pivotal role in the creation of something that loyal white folks still put on a pedestal to this day: 'Murica and Friends. Both projects turned out to be overrated. And racist. Do not come for me. "The 76ers" Dying at age 76 is a one-way ticket to jock status for eternity. This group boasts some legendary athletes. Most recently, this club drafted OJ Simpson, the NFL football player who was known for playing 11 seasons with the Buffalo Bills and nothing else at all that I can think of off the top of my head. Alongside Simpson in The 76ers is French football player Rachid Belhout, British cyclist Pete Smith, and American wrestler Douglas Blubaugh. Blubagh's cause of death was in fact not "blue balls," although I desperately wanted it to be because of his name; it was a traffic accident, which isn't nearly as funny but I imagine it's a quicker way to go. RIP Dougie. "The Great Whites" You've got 99 problems but dying young ain't one. Legend of all legends Betty White held out all the way until age 99! S...

Ways to Stop Your Therapist from Blackmailing You - Excerpt from 'LIFE WANTS YOU DEAD'

Wed, 29 May 2024 19:18:28 +0000

You're a terrible person. You think terrible thoughts and do terrible things. You hurt the people you love, and you once climaxed to the Mucinex monster when a banner ad popped up at the worst possible time. Nobody knows this better than your therapist. You've loaded them up like a Pez dispenser with life-ruining stories about yourself, so it's just a matter of time until they try to blackmail you. But you don't have to take this lying down on a fainting couch. Here are some ways to protect yourself from the person you pay to nod at your pain Communicate exclusively through squawks and chirps. Birds rarely get extorted, so if your therapist asks about your relationship with your stepmom, just twitch your head and feather-pick your wing lice. If that doesn't work, fly south with the other geese that are also avoiding self-examination. Splice veiled threats into your stories. While discussing how your week went, mention your impulse to smack disloyal therapists with pipes, then mention you went pipe shopping. (Keep your receipt so you can return the pipe after smashing their end table!) Bottle up your feelings. Ketchup, root beer, repressed trauma - all the best things come in bottles! What, you think you're better than pickles? I'd rather munch a gherkin than hear you yak about your shopping addiction. Go to a deaf shrink, and grow bangs over your mouth. Hair is a shield that comes out of your head for free! If you can't find a hearing-impaired therapist in your network, pick one with good ears and fire Civil War cannons next to their head for six years. For added security, headbang dandruff into their eyes. Whisper your secrets into a shame sack. A reliable shame sack should have a drawstring to cinch the secrets inside. Drop in a few decoy potatoes to ward off therapists who hate potatoes. But before you get too candid with your sack, pat it down to make sure it's not wearing a wire. art by Weekly Humorist staff Buy the book! LIFE WANTS YOU DEAD A Calm, Rational, and Totally Legit Guide to Scaring Yourself Safe By Evan Waite • Illustrations by Paula Searing

More Bluey for You-y

Tue, 28 May 2024 18:15:56 +0000

Bluey, that Australian animated television series about two cute puppies and their over-indulgent parents, has made everyone cry with their recent extended-length episode, "The Sign." With the overwhelming success of that, the show is now encouraging the production team to start working on new and edgier episodes, coming in 2025: Nana Goes to the Farm When Nana gets hurt chasing cars, Mum and Dad have to discuss putting Nana down. Bath Day The family is forced to confront the fact that they all hate the smell of wet dog. Fleas Everyone freaks when the flea circus comes to town. Throw-y Uppy The family gets a stomach virus but makes a game of it. Vet Day When it's time for Bluey and Bingo's shots, the family has to deal with an anti-vax pack of dogs. Mr. Fix-it After a litter-scare, Dad gets fixed. Leash Laws Somehow a cat gets elected as Mayor of Brisbane and starts getting restrictive laws passed. (episode contains flashing images and violent protesters.) Rabies When Lucky's Dad gets rabies, the girls get sad because they can't play with Lucky any more. Dry Food Bluey goes on a hunger strike until her parents let her eat canned food. Doggie Style Bluey and Bingo get into trouble when they advertise a fashion shop they're setting up in their backyard. Toilet water The family has to teach Bingo not drink out of the toilet, even though it's "RIGHT THERE!" Get to Know 'em The Heeler family makes an ill-advised trip to South Dakota. (series finale)

Double Jeopardy Latte and 14 other Flavors from Rudy Giuliani's New Designer Coffee Company

Tue, 28 May 2024 17:48:47 +0000

Double Jeopardy Latte Maxwell House Detention Fresh Grounds for Appeal KKKona Grounds Zero On Ice Coffee 7/11 to Life Mister Cofeve Putin Double Shot of Java in the Head Handcuffeinated Elliot Nesspresso Russian Coffee Brewskis Prison Brew Crew Cup of Joe Stalin Pardon My Mocha Arrested by a Coppuccino

Your Partner's Complaints About Popular Sex Toys

Fri, 24 May 2024 00:01:33 +0000

Glade Plug Ins Not intended to be used a butt plug, according to ER personnel. The Destroyer What was this supposed to have destroyed? My relationship with my husband? Okay, maybe. But my genitals are none the worse for wear. Vibrating Egg Didn't really care for it. Felt really weird, and kind of gross. Still, a funny prank gift for the kids when Easter rolls around! Strawberry Passion Deluxe Body Lube Kind of an unpleasant flavor, similar to strawberry and ass (although, to be fair, might have to do with the part of the body being lubed). Anal Bee's I have since discovered that this should have been "anal beads" rather than "anal bees". The former sounds pretty nice, actually. Don't make my mistake of attempting to stuff a handful of live bees into your rectum, that's all I'm saying. Magneto Not a sex toy as it turns out, but rather a Magneto character beverage thermos from my kid's X-Men lunch box. Sorry honey! The Fist & The Furious Quite the unique movie tie in product! Supposedly sculpted from Vin Diesel's fist, this enticing item will have you spread wider than the plot holes in the movies! Deluxe Swingers' Delight Sex Swing Honestly, gives me motion sickness when used for it's designed purpose. Great place for a quick, out of the way nap though!

UPDATE: I Am Still Really Pissed Off At Marie Kondo

Thu, 23 May 2024 22:56:41 +0000

Dear Neatfreak, Since you decided to go from a Felix Unger to Oscar Madison last year and be a slob, I've been meaning to give you a piece of my mind. So you are no longer tidying up? You say your three tots are turning your house upside down, emptying cereal boxes and filling diapers up to and fro? Well, tough cookies. Serves you right for making us throw things out and fight over what to do with our tchotchkes. Thanks to you telling us that we had too many throw-pillows in our life. While you were making $ millions, writing five or six books on straightening up - I stopped counting so I'm not sure - we were decluttering. Your popular TV show which taught couples how to be happy, started many an argument on our home. I know you advocate downsizing as the path to joy. Then you will be happy to know, I am currently living above my friend Mark's garage, sleeping on an inflatable mattress. Please note there is no clutter on the nightstand. There is no nightstand. I am feeling the freedom you spoke of, unencumbered by the things that can complicate life, like books or having an adult size refrigerator or socks. (You stated that "you must first discard those that have outlived their purpose. And if you no longer need them, then that is neither wasteful nor shameful." This quote was in your bestseller, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up and used in my divorce papers.) So now we find ourselves on the same path to joy. You live in a mess, and certainly my life is a mess. I look forward to your next book, as you hang up your professional tidier's hat and find a new way of telling happy couples how they should conduct their lives. Let me spitball a couple of titles with you: Changing My Mind: I Was Completely Wrong or how about, Still Spewing a Load of Crap: Let's Keep This Thing Going. Hey, I might write my own book after seeing how well you have done for yourself. The working title for my book is, The Art of Turning Your Life Into Shambles Over a Few Throw Pillows: Where's Mine. Yours in filth, Bob Eckstein Make sure to get Bob's new book!

Did Bigfoot Storm the Capitol on January 6?

Wed, 22 May 2024 23:45:45 +0000

As the Arizona Fake Electors indictment has been unsealed, the obvious next step is to identify which Cryptids, mythological or genetically modified beings that have never been scientifically confirmed, were present at the January 6 Insurrection. This comprehensive list compiled over two years of extensive research including Department of Justice documents, Capitol Police footage, and a grainy forty-five minute long YouTube video offers the conclusive explanations of where a select group of Cryptids of significance were on January 6, 2021 during the Capitol Insurrection. Bigfoot - NO By far the most famous Cryptid, Bigfoot was not present. The elusive creature was at his home in northeast Oregon watching coverage on CNN powered by his solar panels and water turbine. The staunch environmentalist has declared his support for Joe Biden in the upcoming election claiming Trump's push for "oil, sweet oil" as a motive. This tracks with his record as in the 2020 Democratic Primary, he canvassed in Iowa for Washington Governor Jay Inslee. Jersey Devil - YES The Pine Barren native was identified in a great number of video evidence, first hand accounts attributed the Jersey Devil to being inside the Capitol, and DNA evidence found inside the desk of Speaker Emerita Nancy Pelosi. Footage recovered from a deleted Facebook post found the Jersey Devil stealing the congressional leader's laptop and scribbling satanic verses on the carpet. Thunderbird - NO The Arizona nomad was not present due to a serious bout of COVID that landed the grand creature in a Phoenix hospital. However, social media posts before and after January 6 show Thunderbird as a great supporter of the former President and would have gone if able. Thunderbird announced its support via Truth Social for Kari Lake in the 2024 Arizona Senate election. Capelobo - YES The Brazilian Cryptid did in fact journey north to the Capitol on January 6th. However, it was soon discovered that the Capelobo was not in fact participating but there as an agent for the Brazilian government to extradite former Representative Geroge Santos to Brazil for alleged crimes. The Capelobo was unsuccessful due to the unexpected large crowd and Santos changing wigs and Birkin bags to remain in the United States. Mothman - NO Mothman was not present and took to social media to denounce the actions as they were ongoing. The queer icon of West Virginia went on to target West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin for not releasing a stronger statement and for further actions inhibiting the Biden administration. Mothman is currently making rounds in political circles eyeing the soon departing Manchin's Senate seat. Loveland Frog - YES The Loveland Frog was present and participating as it is from Ohio. Nessie of Loch Ness - NO Nessie was not present in the United States at the time because they were fighting against Brexit and for Scottish Independence. Loch Ness is anti-facist and has been since the time of James I. They called the insurrection, "a purely American matter as my focus remains committed to a free Scotland that is connected through diplomatic means to a wider Europe." Dover Demon - YES The Dover Demon attended the rally under the impression that it was a Phish concert but quickly absconded once the true intent was revealed. He was seen later that day in Georgetown before catching the late afternoon Acela back to Boston. Chupacabra - NO The Puerto Rican liberator was in San Juan marching against the territory's government for a continued lack of action to the series of Hurricanes that hit the island, the abysmal response to the COVID pandemic, the weakening power grid that has made daily life difficult. In response to an interview request, the Chupacabra sent back this message: "Abajo los imperialistas, luchamos por un Puerto Rico independiente y desencadenado." (ENGLISH TRANSLATION: "Down with the imperialists, we strive for an independent and unchained Puerto Rico.") Champ - YES It was recently discovere...

Yes, I Am the Personal Chef Included With Your Luxury Airbnb, but for the Umpteenth Time, Go Microwave Your Own Damn Hot Pockets

Tue, 21 May 2024 19:34:40 +0000

I get that you're on vacation at a destination AirBnB that includes a personal chef, for which you dropped some serious coin, nearly as much as I still owe for those two post-high-school years I was "finding myself" as a philosophy major. But I am a top-notch professional chef and you have opposable thumbs, so, like I've told everyone before you, you can go fucking microwave your own damn Hot Pockets. My ingredient selection is exquisite. My technique is flawless. And my signature dish? One customer texted me years later that she still channels her memory of the multi-sensory experience of my barramundi-and-pheasant stuffed pastry every time her billionaire eighty-six-year-old husband begs her to orgasm. This refusal to microwave your damn Hot Pockets has nothing to do with the fact that I understand that part of my gig means providing execrable comfort food to horde after cretinous horde of gold-plated, silver-spooned, lead-palated philistines like you. You want pizza? Fine. I can make any style, even top it with my own spin on that abominable ranch dressing shit you eat, and bake it in my brick oven outside that runs hotter than your wet dreams of Russian porn stars. Kids craving chicken nuggets? I'll slaughter and pluck the bird, grind the meat and shape it, and fry it up so good that your brats will just shake and bow their heads for the rest of their pampered nepo-baby lives every time they get driven by a set of Mickey Fuckin' D's golden arches. Hell, even taquitos, I'll make the tortillas myself, fill them with world-class ingredients, and roll that shit up so skillfully that when you wrap your lips around one of those suckers, it feels better than smoking, depending upon your preferences, a two-inch-thick 40-year-old primo Cuban stogie, an enormous joint of world-class cured Jamaican ganja, or a tumescent Leo DiCaprio's undersized fuckstick. Look, I do understand this hankering. Everyone loves Hot Pockets. There have even been times when I've gotten home and downed one or three myself after a long shift catering to over-privileged, under-appreciative, and precisely perfectly unbearable shit-asses exactly like you. And I grant that getting Hot Pockets just right, uniformly warm with the inside melted but the outside still crisp, that ain't easy - I know as a chef I shouldn't admit this, but sometimes, just the thought of the slight resistance my teeth feel before piercing the skin of a Hot Pocket, then the sensuality of the ham cubes' weight on my tongue as the luscious cheddar gently caresses it, gets me more turned on than Lauren Baubert in a crowded movie theater. But I am not your errand-monkey-slash-Man fucking-Friday, who on cue will throw any shit in the microwave like it's tossing a six-week-old turtle carcass in your neighbor's trashcan (not that I've ever done that). If that's your thing, next time rent an AirBnB that includes a personal servant, tip him a couple hundos, and he'll microwave your damn Hot Pockets as if his shot at getting a visa to escape his shitty job on this godforsaken Caribbean speck depended on it. Better yet, slip him a few thou, and he'd probably be willing to keep your Hot Pockets body-temp warm 24/7 by cutting them in half, stuffing them in zip-lock bags, swallowing them, and then, whenever you're hungry, shitting them out on command drug-mule style. Hey, whatever floats your boat, or, in your case, whatever floats that glass-bottomed vessel you've rented for an hourly rate more than my quarterly fucking apartment lease so you can gaze down at bigger versions of the same damn fishes you could see in the office aquarium of your bucktoothed kids' two-grand-an-appointment orthodontist. So, ask me to chef up whatever the fuck you can imagine - animal, vegetable, even fucking mineral. Name any three ingredients and I'll cook that shit so good you'll need a cigarette afterwards. But if you want your damn Hot Pockets, you can go ahead and nuke them your own damn self.

The Campus Is a Shit Show, but We Planned a Terrific Alumni Weekend!

Tue, 21 May 2024 18:41:20 +0000

Due to recent campus events and world climate, Stanwyck College Alumni Weekend will look slightly different this year. But have no fear; we plan on having a robust schedule of events that will allow you to connect and reminisce with your old classmates. FRIDAY, JUNE 2 2 p.m. Campus Tours (Leaves from Stanwyck Statue) This will include a guided tour of our current protest encampments by current (and past) students and, according to some media outlets, professional organizers. We encourage you to stop and share your Stanwyck College experiences and how you DIDN'T protest, occupy administrative buildings, or purposely keep the college in a negative news cycle. 6 p.m. Helicopter Rides (Seaport Heliport - Ground Level Lounge) Take a moonlight helicopter ride… to Washington, D.C! This is an excellent opportunity to see our campus from above and speak to a congressional panel on behalf of the college. It is also a terrific networking opportunity to hobnob with the political elite and defend the college against all allegations of encouraging and using a weaponized police force to disperse a student's peaceful political demonstration. You could even deny that the college is both Anti-Semitic and Anti-Muslim. Talking points and light snacks are provided! 9 p.m. Sleep In The Unoccupied Dorms Relive your dorm days by bunking up with your old college roommate or someone you just met! We ask that you turn lights on in various rooms, play music, and maybe even throw a kegger! Just make it look like students are back in the dorms, drawing attention away from the student occupation in Jefferson Quad. SATURDAY, JUNE 3 8 a.m. Continental Breakfast (Campus Center) Share a delicious breakfast of various muffins, coffee, and teas. Meet up with current student's parents. Feel free to tell the parents that the college is doing its best to ensure their children get the best education possible, and there is no reason to ask for a refund, demand a refund, or threaten to sue because classes were canceled for more than half the semester! 9 a.m. Walking Tour of Campus (Leaves from Clock Tower) If you missed Friday's walking tour, here is your opportunity to see what changes we have made to the campus and our future vision. Also, if you could PLEASE ask the protesters to leave and clean up the encampment, that would be a huge solid. Upon request, we can provide you with riot gear and tear gas. 11 a.m. Welcome Address from Our New Chancellor (Campus Center) …And that New Chancellor could be YOU! We will have a Hunger Games-like drawing to decide who will run the college. Your responsibility will include figuring out what to do with the protests, explaining to the media AND parents our point of view (your call as to what that could be), and what we (you, again!) plan on doing going forward. Our students must have a voice! And that is where our alumni come in! We are cool with whatever you decide, just as long as you say it was all your idea! Noon Lunch (Central Building - Davenport Tech Lab) Box lunches are available, and vegetarian options will be provided. It is "Grab 'N Go," as in "Grab your food and go quickly" through the growing protest tents and tarps. Settle in and relax in the nearby bushes to eat lunch. The administration has been doing this all semester. 3 p.m. Paintball Tournament (Campus Center, Game Room) Come alone or sign up as a team. This is one of the last opportunities for fun and connecting with other alumni. The paintball game will spill out into the student protest encampment, and we hope this gives you a nonviolent (but effective) way of clearing out the protestors. The winning team that paintballs the most tents gets a free Stanwyck Athletic t-shirt. And, of course, BRAGGING RIGHTS! 4:30 p.m. Decide Whether Graduation Is Canceled (Campus Center, Atrium) We will break into breakout groups to decide whether to hold graduation or secretly mail out diplomas. It should be fun to kick back, relax, and find legitimate reasons not to have ...

We Are Fixing the Fixing of the School Bus Situation

Fri, 17 May 2024 02:28:42 +0000

Washburn County Public School District Town Hall Meeting with Superintendent Rogers: Tuesday 6pm All right! Hey, look at this, you were all able to locate the meeting, even though we changed the date several times and really buried the livestream link. Great! Impossibly great. Let's get started. Thank you teachers, students, parents, bus drivers, members of the press, infrastructural hobbyists, internet voyeurs, casual enthusiasts of lighthearted catastrophes, and the mercilessly vocal national and international public for attending this hybrid online and in-person Washburn County Public School meeting. Here we… all… are. Great. As Superintendent, preparer of the county educational budget, let me reiterate that I take all of your concerns regarding the bus issue of the past year to heart, be they via email, phone, fax, sideways glances, word of mouth, and one 96 count Crayola Crayon box thrown through my lake house window. Looks like "Bittersweet" isn't just a color anymore! It is a color though. As we wind down this academic year, we reflect how we've overcome - maybe how we've thrived - since our opening day in August and "The Incident." In case you don't recall, The Incident, simply put, was the failing of the newly implemented Washburn County Public School Bus pickups and drop offs on the first day of school, August 9th. Unfortunately, the bus routes were insufficiently planned. Some children were forced to run across interstates to new bus stops, nearly exposing them to the fates of turtles on a pond road. Some children left and returned to their homes in the morning and evening twilight hours. One student was deposited at home so late she encountered the Henderson Road Ghost, who of course has walked the stretch past Breakers Creek for two hundred years since her fiancée got cold feet and pushed her out of a carriage on their wedding night. Anyway, the new bus routes were so catastrophic that I made the decision to cancel all school for two weeks as we returned to the old bus route system, leading many students to lose their enthusiasm for enforced learning. In the wake of The Incident, the Board made the decision to hire the Bigger Picture Investigative Services company to perform an audit on the "human failings" and "automation bias" that led to The Incident. I was happy to oblige, as I am wracked with guilt. I am so deeply sorry that you all feel bad about what happened, and so deeplier sorry that I wrote things in emails that should have been phone calls. It is also with profoundly humble humility that I now announce the release of Bigger Picture's 658 page audit of The Incident, its leadup and aftermath. I will just share the highlights now with you, except with those of you clearly leaving to order takeout and read the whole thing at home like it's the eighth Harry Potter book: Harry Effs the Bus Routes. Okay, highlights… 1) Superintendent Rogers Attends National Superintendent's Conference in Reno, Nevada and is approached by MAXIBUS ROUTE TECH. In retrospect, it's possible I could have deduced that the Maxibus team was not qualified for the task at hand, and was in fact a weekend startup run by a three high school students trying to sell a Unicorn and retire by drinking age. I could have done more investigation, requested references, or asked who the President was the year Brad, the CEO, was born. I could have called the phone number on the web site which I now understand belongs to the Butternut Basin Ski Lodge Gift Shop. But we were in a time crunch! We needed tech solutions for a human shortage problem. Then Brad explained their automation routes intricately on a cocktail napkin at the Silver Dollar Lounge. I took their word, being an earnest person, and offered them a non-compete contract and a canvas sack of education department cash. 2) Superintendent Rogers expresses an automation bias in hotel room internet search: "Robot Help For Humans for Drive Bus." Look you jackals, robots do lots of things for us...

I'm the Bear from the Woods, and Bumble Wants Me to Be Their New CEO

Fri, 17 May 2024 01:53:22 +0000

"The question, directed towards women, seems simple: Would you rather be alone in the woods with a man or a bear? A good number of women prefer the bear." ~CNN "Bumble to Users: You Need Sex. Users to Bumble: Get Lost." ~The New York Times Unless you've been living in a hole in the ground, you've probably already heard of me. I'm the Bear that a majority of women say they would rather encounter in the woods than a human man. (Unrelated: I actually do live in a hole in the ground.) I've recently been approached by the dating app company Bumble. They're having some problems with women-similar problems that human men seem to have with women. Neither Bumble nor human men can figure out what women want. They were both hoping it would be straight-up sex, but the women are not responding positively to that pressure from either party. Out of desperation to save its flailing "feminist" dating app, Bumble just offered me a position as their next CEO. First, I said, "What's a CEO?" Then, I said, "I'm a bear." Next, I said, "I live in a hole in the ground," because I was afraid they might want me to move to New York. Then I said, "Wait, is your logo a beehive full of delicious honey?" The Bumble people told me to focus and asked me what I think women want. They said, "All the women keep picking you over human men, so you must know." I told them I don't believe there's one simple answer to what all women want because women are whole and unique human beings who have a variety of goals and desires and preferences. I did have some ideas, though, about what women might NOT want, and I was willing to share my bear perspective on that in case it could help human men reconsider some of their habits that might be working against them in the dating market. For example, as a bear: I don't ride a motorcycle. I don't speak in weird cliches about partners in crime or fluency in sarcasm. I don't lie about my height. When I catch a fish, I just eat the fish. I don't need to get all performative about it and take selfies with the fish and whatnot. I own my den and have no need for money, so I never ask women for money or a place to crash. As a hibernating animal, I respect the importance of good sleep, so I don't text women late at night and say, "You up?" I never try to mate with juvenile bears. That's disgusting. I also mentioned that when women want to be left alone, I just leave them alone. The Bumble people eyed me suspiciously and said, "What's your game, Bear?" I said, "There is no game. I don't think women want to play games. I think women just want to be treated like other bears and sometimes left alone when they say so." The Bumble people looked at me strangely and cocked their heads back and forth the way I've seen confused wolves do, and I thought I was getting through to them, but then all of a sudden they screamed, "WAIT!!! We've got it!!! We know what women want: THEY WANT TO DATE AI BOTS!" and then they just left. So I guess I'm not going to be the CEO of Bumble after all, which is fine. To be honest, I was relieved when they left. After meeting with the Bumble people I totally get why women keep picking me.

The 2024 University of Phoenix Valedictorian Speech, Presented By Draft Kings

Wed, 15 May 2024 18:05:00 +0000

To all the friends and family gathered here today, to all of the amazing professors, and most importantly, to my peers: My heart is full today as I look out and see hundreds of familiar usernames. I'm honored to have the opportunity to celebrate this milestone with you all. College is a unique experience. Uniquely formative, uniquely exciting, uniquely challenging, and let's admit it, uniquely sleep-depriving. I'm joking of course. But to be standing here before you today as a college graduate has made every midnight deadline and 8 a.m. lecture worth it. I am excited for us to leave this Zoom meeting with our heads held high, knowing that we are the next generation of thinkers and doers. I'm also super excited to tell you about a service that has changed my life, Hello Fresh. Whether I had a big exam coming up, was swamped with extracurricular activities, or just wanted a healthy and delicious meal, Hello Fresh kept my fridge stocked with tasty, ready-made meal kits - allowing me to spend less time in the kitchen and more time in the library. Try Hello Fresh today! Now, I want to start my address by highlighting the achievement of a student who I think embodies the passion and creativity that defines us as University of Phoenix students. Carlos Freitas is a first-generation college student from Mexico City, Mexico. He studies Computational Biology and Visual Arts, combining his passion for research with his passion for painting. Carlos's experience exemplifies the flexible and unique approach University of Phoenix students take to higher education. Because of people like Carlos, I learned the importance of tailoring my education to my interests. Carlos didn't have to choose between science and the arts, and with Manscaped, you don't have to choose between cost and convenience. Manscaped's new Lawn Mower 4.0 is an affordable solution for all of your male grooming needs. Plus, it's portable, waterproof, and has a battery life of up to 6 hours! Carlos didn't have to settle, so why should you? Manscaped's Lawn Mower 4.0 - get yours today. As I think back to all the classes, all the exams, and yes, all the parties - sorry, Mom, plug your ears for this part - I know this year's graduating class is uniquely prepared to go out and tackle the world ahead of us. As I reflect on my time here at the University of Phoenix, I think about the educators whose words will stick with me long after I've left this cyber-learning space. For those of you who also took Econ 101 with Professor Tomlinson, it's like he always said… "ZipRecruiter is the #1 rated job site in the US. Unlike traditional online employment sites, ZipRecruiter curates opportunities for job-seekers and matches businesses to prospective employees. If you're looking for a job, make ZipRecruiter your first stop on the way to employment." In closing, as you go forth from these breakout rooms, I want you to always remember this place and these people. We all came to the University of Phoenix for different reasons, but I think I speak for everyone here when I say that none of us knew just how life-changing this experience would be. Today you leave the University of Phoenix, but the University of Phoenix will never leave you. Congratulations to the class of 2024! But before I go, I'd be remiss if I didn't tell you about a college that's changing thousands of people's lives across the country and beyond: Grand Canyon University. GCU provides flexible, well-rounded educational programs tailored to every student's individual needs, whether you're looking to earn your bachelor's, master's, or doctoral degree. Over 90,000 students matriculate yearly, and most GCU graduates report feeling satisfied in their careers after graduation. GCU - making a world-class education accessible and affordable.

Confused About "Clowning" and "Soft-Clowning?" You're Not Alone

Tue, 14 May 2024 23:26:14 +0000

Hey lovers! So much has changed in the field of human romantic relationships since I last wrote. Yes, it's only been a week, but we've got lots of new ground to cover. It's hard to imagine that relationship experts in the biblical era thought when butt-play was discovered in the ancient cities of Sodom and Gomorrah that we'd crossed the final threshold. Boy, were they wrong. Let's dive into the latest. Key trends to know: #1 - Clowning Believed to have emerged from a disbanded circus troupe residing in the Phoenix metropolitan area, clowning refers to a practice of having sex in full clown costume. That's right, folks! Wigs, makeup, too-large shoes, the full regalia, with, of course, some strategic holes cut into the striped bodysuit. I spoke to my colleague in the field, Dr. Sheila Garrond, a researcher in the study of character sex, about what makes this practice diverge from other costumed groups. First, she seemed hesitant to answer. "I told you I'm an anthropologist," Dr. Garrond said, but I pressed for more details. "Can you stop asking me these weird clown sex questions?" she added. Asked if it might be fair to say that clowning represents a new form of expression and the broad spectrum of creativity she said, "Huh. Lose this number." That left me to investigate this long-misunderstood community on my own. Turns out many famous clowns throughout the ages have been wrongly maligned. Pennywise was not an evil gutter monster, merely a man hiding his clowning practice from a conservative wife. Bozo the clown could not be reached for comment before publication. John Wayne Gacy, well, we don't have to get into that one. #2 - Soft-clowning One of the most beautiful aspects of the clowning community is its open-minded approach to different degrees of expression. Soft-clowning refers to clowns who skip the complete outfit in favor of simpler get-ups: only a sponge nose, say, or partial clown makeup, to prevent mess. When I found a clown on the streets of Winnetka, I knew I had to ask him about this. "Sometimes, I do forget to take my socks off," Giggles said, asking to be referred to by his middle name. I told him that was a really courageous choice, and thanked him for being so brave and sharing about his sexuality. Then he said, "what's this?" a pulled a really long chain of tied-together G-strings' out of my ear. Human expression never ceases to amaze. #3 - Solo non-clown play With the rise of the clowning community, more and more individuals are choosing to describe themselves in relation to it. Naturally, some individuals find the term "masturbation," outdated and old-fashioned, and prefer to use "solo non-clown play" instead. "To me, it's not the same thing," said RonaldaMcDonalda69, a popular digital content creator on OnlyFans. "I often hardcore-clown, so even when I'm not clowning, I'm still a clown." Does our society do enough to support clowns? "No," Ronalda said. "Clown cars and circus tents, these gathering places serve an important role in our community: hosting orgies. And unfortunately they are threatened by anti-circus legislation, shifting tastes and gentrification." When it comes to love and relationships, who doesn't sometimes feel like a clown? Thanks to everyone in this colorful community who bravely shared their sex-themed gimmicks with me in the course of my research, like the lube-squirting flowers many clowns wear conveniently on their lapels. That's all for this week. Remember to practice safe clowning, and thank you for mailing me all these beautiful balloon animals made out of condoms. XOXO The Relationship Expert

Lesser-Known Precursors to Famous Musical Performances

Tue, 14 May 2024 22:45:10 +0000

April 24, 1964: New Jersey Garage Band Installs Remote-Controlled Door, Goes Electric Bob Dylan ditching the acoustic guitar at Newport was an attention grabber, sure, but few people know that it was predated by a New Jersey garage band going electric with a controversial choice of their own: installing a remote-controlled door. The door's pivotal role in the Morristown group's set that spring evening - opening at the beginning and closing at the end - led to a rift in the Miller Street Ext. music scene. While some praised the installation as "an exciting leap forward," others were unenthused, deriding it as "offensive to the garage band ethos." Some even hurled boos and other invectives at the 140-volt motor, though roughly half of those came from jealous neighborhood dads. Undiscouraged, the trio played almost daily for three more years, punctuated only by a two-week hiatus in '67 after the lead guitarist's sister shifted into drive instead of reverse and dented the lower panel. The house, which was later sold, still stands. In lieu of a plaque at the address - the current homeowner rudely shooed this writer off his property despite a thorough explanation of its importance - the band's boldness warrants a 2,000-word feature in Rolling Stone. If not there, then Better Homes and Gardens. May 13, 1959: Boundary-Pushing Rocker Holds Acoustic Guitar A Bit Too Close to Campfire Before Jimi Hendrix set his Stratocaster ablaze in Monterey, a checkered shirt-wearing camp counselor in the Pennsylvania woods did the equivalent within the prim confines of the late '50s rock 'n' roll scene: holding his acoustic guitar abnormally close to a crackling campfire. Inspired by a block of cheddar cheese in his fridge, 19-year-old James Finch played a three-chord song called "Mild Thing." The dozen 4th graders who had gathered 'round the campfire looked on wide-eyed as he inched the headstock closer and closer to the flames until he affixed a marshmallow to where the tip of the G string stuck out above its tuning peg. It was a stroke of genius. By song's end, the mass of sugar was golden, the Fender was toasty, and the notion of what a live performance could entail had been expanded that much further. Finch, now approaching 84, is not bitter about how his contribution to popular music's mid-century escapades has been unjustly ignored by the powers that be. "The applause and laughter that night was enough, sir, really," he says, so humble after all these years. Still, what happened under that full moon was a watershed moment, even if his handwritten lyrics haven't fetched an eBay bid above this writer's offer of $400. June 1, 1980: Babbling Toddler Bites Head Off Batman Action Figure During "Happy Birthday" Concertgoers in Des Moines may have been caught off guard when Ozzy Osbourne bit the head off a live bat in the winter of '82, but unbeknownst to them, a babbling three-year-old with an antsy jaw made just as shocking a move two years prior in sunny San Diego: biting the head off his beloved Batman toy during his birthday party. Plopped in his high-chair with a hefty cake before him, Joey waved the plastic figure above the candles as family and friends began to sing. But after the penultimate line, Batman's head went "pop," and mom, dad, and even Spot darted their eyes toward the head of the table, eyebrows raised. Fortunately, it was grandma Doris who nimbly extracted the slimy item before it went anywhere it shouldn't. The flames, the decapitation, the prolonged unease of an unresolved "Happy Birthday" - it was all quite dramatic. Yet the memory of the near-choking incident has largely been confined to a dusty photo album, its significance dwarfed by Osbourne's rabies scare. Too many years have come and gone without Joseph Mariotta Jr.'s dentists knowing they had the honor of scraping plaque off the teeth of an icon. Too many of this writer's letters to his current hygienist have been met with either callous silence or a visit from the co...

Classic Works of Literature Updated for Gen Z

Fri, 10 May 2024 20:59:15 +0000

A Moveable Girl Dinner Forget the austere glamor of Hemingway's art and alcohol-fueled 1920's Paris - the 2020s have moved the (art?) enclave online, replacing weeks-long European travels and trysts with 20-year-old "girls" nibbling cheese, crackers, and a lone piece of deli meat ham rolled into the tiniest taquito. Alice's Activism in Wonderland Upon witnessing the Red Queen's abuse of capital punishment, Alice's disillusionment with the monarchy only grows as she encounters the populous of Wonderland falling into unhealthy coping mechanisms, drug use, and addiction in an attempt to distract from a tyrannical, "colorblind" head of state. Alice takes matters into her own hands to usurp the powers-that-be and help everyone get on the Caterpillar's level with some solid smoke. The Grating Gatsby This Gatsby is blander than your aunt's mash potatoes after she decides to cut her sodium intake. Instead of parties visible from other coastlines, he throws 4-person kickbacks, posts out-of-focus TikToks about the "insane livestream going down at #casadeGatsby," and "accidentally" tags his neighbor's wife in all of them - even though she never makes an appearance. The Scarlet Unsubscribe After receiving a giant letter "C" tattooed on her chest for "serving c*nt," not snitching, and cheating on her husband with a hot priest*, Hester is canceled by her community and shadow blocked across platforms. But instead of staying "Canceled," Hester decides to rebrand herself as a sex-positive influencer who stands on business. Use code "Chilling" for 20% off at Bellesa, *Not the one from Fleabag. Weathering Inflation Heights A tempestuous, capricious inflation rate climbs higher and higher, crueler and crueler, as one weary, ambivalent mixed-class household bends to its predictably unpredictable temperament, hoping for a government-ordered rate halt that never comes. Even after they're dead and buried, inflation will burrow into the graves to continue f*cking them. Our Mutual Friend-With-Benefits When word gets around about John's rich talent for…..y'know….he quickly becomes a coveted addition to everyone's polycule. Whether they're an all-female arts collective illegally living in a two-bedroom apartment on the wrong side of town, a co-ed group of Trader Joe's employees that frequents the same Russian bath house in the city center, or three IT guys all named Dave, everyone from every sort of socio-economic background has come to call John their best friend. The Mortgage Rate Also Rises Other than the rising climate-change-affected sea-levels, increasing number of school shootings bolstered by inadequate gun control measures, and surge in TikTok-face, Jake realizes in dawning horror that even if he learns to scuba dive, survives high school, and avoids lip filler sepsis, he'll never be able to afford a home worthy of Lady Brett Ashley's sober-curious soirees. The Siblings Karamazov The children of a cheugy, affluent late-stage Millennial attempt to convince their ill-dressed, ill-tempered, and culturally-ill parent to acknowledge their pronouns, the legacy of The Wendy Williams Show, and the results of the 2020 election. All Quiet on the Post-College Employment Front Recent graduates suffer from shellshock as no companies seem to be hiring. Of the companies that are accepting applications, role descriptions list a minimum requirement of 2-years experience - even for "entry-level" positions. Deep in the job-search trenches, aspiring recruits race to upskill as yet another social media platform blows up in the hands of an incompetent general. Annananana Karenenininina After watching her Millennial brother blow up his own marriage in a mid-life-for-the-time crisis, Annananana Karenenininina - readers may opt to just call her Anna Kendrick - decides to do the same since she's 28, close to death, and her cheek fillers have nearly completed their migration. Upon engaging in non-consensual non-monogamy, Anna Kendrick is canceled by her whole social ci...

Modern Day School Absence Excuses

Thu, 09 May 2024 17:40:42 +0000

"My anxiety service iguana ate my homework." "I couldn't get past the group of protesters in front of the school." "My homeroom teacher is still angry that I didn't call her the day after our night together." "My bullet proof vest was still in the wash." "Militia meeting ran late." "Parents arrested for storming government building." "I was pushed out of a window by Vladimir Putin." "Parents wouldn't allow me to leave the house while the Four Horsemen were hovering in the sky over America." "Tear gas residue in classroom still causing problems with allergies." "Sent home early as punishment for requesting a book from the school library." "Poisonous paint fumes from golden Trump shoes put me and my family in the hospital for several weeks."

Increasingly Specific Metaphors for Life

Wed, 08 May 2024 22:19:58 +0000

Life is a high school prom and no one asked you to be their date. Life is a dream and you showed up to work wearing no pants. Life is an orgy and we're all getting screwed. Life is an ice skating rink and you wore flip-flops. Life is an orgy and everyone is getting screwed except for me. Life is an orgy and I'm standing awkwardly in the corner at the orgy snack table watching everyone else get screwed. Life is an orgy with terrible snacks. Life is an orgy and I wasn't really invited, but showed up anyway. Life is an orgy and my hot friend Hannah was actually invited by these two dudes at the bar, but she didn't want me to feel left out, even though they were clearly only inviting her. So I gaslighted myself into believing it would be a good experience, and anyways my therapist has been telling me to get out of my comfort zone. Life is an orgy and when he said "get out of my comfort zone," I think my therapist was thinking more along the lines of Paint 'N Pour. Or maybe a bowling league. Life is an orgy and the couple in front of me just asked me to be their third, but it turns out they were actually asking the girl standing behind me. Life is an orgy and I want to leave. Life is an orgy and would it be rude to just sneak out the back door? That was not an orgy pun. It was a cry for help. Life is an orgy and I'm kind of stuck here until Hannah is finished because she is my ride home. Life is like a river, with constant ebbs and flows and weird fish shaped like penises. Life is an orgy and I'm trying really hard to think of nice imagery of rivers so I don't have a panic attack but all I can think of is weird dick fish with three eyes. Life is an orgy and I'm hyperventilating in the corner. Life is an orgy and that guy over there is getting fucked in the ass. Life is an orgy and I'm staying home next Tuesday.

Team Trump Online Memes Updates

Tue, 07 May 2024 22:30:41 +0000

To: @Trump2024 Cc: @RudyColludy, @UberfuherMiller, @ThatMTG, @TwoShirtsBannon We're looking at the numbers on the "May the Fourth be with You" meme we shared on Twitter, er, I mean X, no, wait "Truth Social," and they are insane! People love seeing the President portrayed in a copyrighted fantasy setting! Trump with a red lightsaber! Lifetime ruler alert! We're working on a video follow-up: Picture the scene where Emperor Palpatine (now The Once-and-Only-President Trump) tells Luke (now Joe Biden) "It is of no concern. Soon the rebellion will be crushed." Or something like that. If that doesn't make people want to join the Trump Empire, then nothing will! So, with that in mind, we've been going through Wikipedia (not Wikileaks; LOL) to find more iconic and trademarked pop-culture characters we can infringe on. It's quite a list! We hope they'll be as big as our Trump-as-Thanos video from 2020 and our "Build the Wall"/GoT poster before that. Here's what we're pitching… Auric Goldfinger: this was a no brainer! Who loves gold more than President 45? Picture the scene where James Bond is tied to a table with a laser working its way up toward his groinal regions. Only, in the clip, we'll put Joe Biden's face on Bond. So when she says, "Do you expect me to talk?" and Goldfinger/Trump replies "No, I expect you to die!" Our supporters will go nuts. Many clinically. Dr. Hannibal Lecter: Style, wit, grace, intellect; who better displays these Trumpian characteristics than Dr. Lecter from "Silence of the Lambs"? We all agree that we should use the scene where Lecter silences all the lambs, i.e., the braying Democrats. Zombie from "Return of the Living Dead": We can have Zombie Trump trying to eat the brains of the Joe Biden, but he keeps saying "These Democrats have no brains!" (If he hasn't said it already, maybe work the phrase into his next rally) and "I'm still hungry!" (which we're very sure is on file somewhere). Jack Torrance: For context, this is Jack Nicholson in "The Shining." Just imagine having President-ish Trump come busting through the door saying "Here's MAGA!" while Hillary (or Joe Biden or Barrack or one of Trump's judges) screams in terror? That's Trumpism in a nutshell, baby! Lord Voldemort: What could be more dramatic and uplifting for the Republicans then the scene where Lord Donald finally strikes down his mortal enemy, Joe Potter, with the forbidden spell of "Avada Kedavra" which, we believe, is Latin for "Corrupt!" Godzilla: Hey, when you think about destroying a corrupt town like Washington D.C., what comes to mind quicker than Godzilla? Imagine Prez Trump's head over Godzilla's as he stomps through town screaming "MAGA" or "Sleepy Joe!" (depending on focus group feedback) and we can turn the fleeing populous into members of the Demon-cratic Party (pretty good, right? I just made that up now). I think we can use video from January 6th. There's a lot of footage there. Gollum: Okay, he's another gold-phile, but we can have the scene were Frodo is trying to throw the ring (say, the Constitution) into the flaming fires of Mount Doom and Gollum/Trump leaps out and rescues the ring, yelling: "My precious! My precious," which would totally be in character for Mr. Trump and his love of the Constitution. Get back to me on any of these ideas. Me and Lester are ready to put any one of them together! And wait until you see the amazing fake Time covers we're prepping! And we'll make sure we don't send out this text as a tweet again!

Conditions Under Which I Am Willing to Babysit

Tue, 07 May 2024 21:24:22 +0000

Thank you for your interest in my babysitting while you travel for the next seven days. If this is going to work, we must set ourselves up for success by laying out conditions that I find acceptable. I can babysit a maximum of one child. The child must be older than a toddler. The problem with toddlers is that they are prone to accidents, tantrums, and so forth. The child must be younger than a middle schooler. Let's say no older than a third grader, just to be safe. The problem with children above this age is that they start to develop opinions, attitudes, and the cleverness to say hurtful things. I will babysit in your home if it's a mansion in an upscale neighborhood with fun things to do. How big is big enough to be a mansion? If you have to ask, it's not a mansion. If you don't own a mansion, I will accept a rented mansion as my workplace as long as it fulfills my other requirements. Your home must have a dog for me to play with. The dog must be fully trained and respond to whatever name I give her. I can change the name up to three times per day. A staff member hired and compensated by you is to be responsible for this dog's feeding and care; my entire relationship with the dog consists of play. I must have my own babysitter to protect me, and in case your kid needs anything. Your home must have the following amenities: WiFi, streaming services, Microsoft XBOX, Sega Master System, ColecoVision, board games, Crosley record player, Audio Technica record player, kitchen, gym, four friends (smart but not showoffy about it, good listeners, willing to babysit). You must provide a full schedule of activities to keep your child busy (supervised by others). You must provide a full schedule of activities to keep me busy, too. Activities for your kid only? No fair! You are to provide me with a grocery stipend, an Uber stipend or a private driver, and a personal chef who's on call 24 hours per day throughout my babysitting assignment. By the way, size alone does not make a mansion. I will not babysit in a big, crappy house. You must arrange for private plane transportation to pick up my lunches: sushi from Japan, pizza from Italy, fried chicken from Kentucky. Whatever happens this week, I get the movie rights. You are obligated to provide me with a fruit basket (organic fruit only,please. (The "please" there was a bit much; sorry. (I have nothing to apologize for, and you should be ashamed for not speaking up to tell me so.))) You shall provide the following benefits: Health insurance and on-site concierge doctor, 401(k) with 200,000-percent employer match, house-party insurance, and six days' paid vacation. Ideally, you'd bring your child with you on your trip.

Surprising Facts from My 23andMe Results

Thu, 02 May 2024 20:42:57 +0000

Ancestry Southern European - 62.3% Northwestern European - 29.3% Sub-Saharan African - 0.4% Self-esteem - <0.1% Butter - 1 cup Traits 1. Michael, people with your genetic result tend to have an increased chance of being annoyed that your neighbors still haven't taken in their recycling bins even though it's been four days! Like, why is that so hard? 2. Michael, you are not likely to correctly pronounce the word 'antennae'. You are among a low percentage of people that, despite knowing that it's incorrect, still say the word as 'an-tanna'. This is acute and there is currently no known cure. 3. Michael, you are 30% more likely to convincingly nod in recognition as someone provides you with directions to a nearby location, despite the fact that you can't remember a single street name in the town you've lived in for well over 10 years now. Genetic Health Risks 1. Michael, you have one copy of the FstX variant of the AMC gene. People with this variant have an increased risk of finding little to no entertainment value whatsoever in the seemingly endless Fast & Furious film series. They drove a car into space ffs. 2. Michael, you have two copies of the WtF7 variant of the ThtSml gene. People with this variant can smell a strange odor but have a difficult time discovering its source or even convincing others that it exists at all. How are you the only one that smells that? 3. Michael, you have seven copies of the Uhf2 variant of the SmSng gene. People with this variant have an increased risk of confusing actual childhood memories with plotlines from syndicated television shows. Reminders: You were never stationed at a MASH unit and you never had a neighbor named Kramer. Carrier Status 1. Strong, masculine chin - Variant Absolutely 100% Not Detected. Like, not at all. 2. Hereditary alcoholism - 1 Variant Detected. Carriers of the YeHaW variant, however latent, have an alcoholic gene staggering about their DNA, singing Merle Haggard songs, and yelling insults in the form of malapropisms at the other genes. Wellness 1. Michael, you have a decreased likelihood of shirtless confidence. 61% of customers genetically similar to you will look fine with their shirts off. Not great, but not terrible. Just fine. It's likely no one will mock you, but neither will anyone utter, "Hubba, hubba". 2. Michael, you are more likely to have a very low tolerance for acronym redundancies. 72.5% of customers who are genetically similar will noticeably cringe at redundant terms like 'ATM machine', 'PIN number', or even 'DC Comics'. However, 68.3% possess enough self-restraint to not immediately retort, "GFY yourself."

I Demand a Cuter Axolotl

Thu, 02 May 2024 20:05:12 +0000

When I first saw a picture of an axolotl, smiling cherubically like the baby Jesus swaddled in a blanket made of puppies and peekaboo, I knew I needed to have one. As one of Topeka's Top Pops of TikTok, an adorable axolotl is critical to my work. My mission is to single-handedly create a global culture of mindful parenting, inspire a love of science, restore good manners, end alopecia, and launch a kidrepreneurial revolution that helps set a new central Midwest region monthly sales record for Life Bouquet Living Werks. Thumbnails are how revolutions get started these days, and I figured an aww-worthy axolotl would make mine more popular than Poppatacular Paul. So I ordered one named Dewdrop. Take a look at what I got. No really, look at it. This axolotl is a Ralph at best. It is not cute, charming, beautiful, quirky, or hot. It's frankly got a certain Nicolas Cageyness about it, which is a real party foul in amphibian-based daddyvlogging. What kind of fun, educational, and profitable activities could I film with this axolotl? Kids don't want to make Perler bead keychains of an axolotl that looks like the Wicker Man. I couldn't take it to explore the woods - the woods would run away in terror. And if I used it in a spelling quiz, kids would replace every letter with a big, whining "Y?" Creative writing prompts for older kids are some of my most popular content, but this axolotl is not going to inspire any great novels. It couldn't even inspire a limerick. Shakespeare wouldn't be able to do better than "This bulbous bloated turd unleashed its tail." And let me make something perfectly clear. I am not body-shaming this axolotl. I am a huge proponent of body positivity, as long as it keeps a respectful distance and is properly hashtagged so I can use a bot to automatically post supportive comments without having to see it. I am face-shaming this axolotl. Makeup is cheap and a lot of it is even tested on animals, so this axolotl has no excuse for not fixing its life. And let me tell you what's at stake. Axolotls are a completely untapped content stream among my competitors, which makes them my ticket to the top 50 local dadfluencers. And the top 50 means big business. When you're in the top 50, you can parley a single post into free parking at the train museum, first choice of finger puppets at library story times, or extra sprinkles at Abe's Ice Milk Emporium. By denying me an appropriately attractive axolotl, you're denying my precious Sophie the opportunity to watch her dad enjoy a premium dessert at a standard price. And that's what she wished for on her birthday, as you can clearly see from the caption of my third video from March 23. So I don't care if you're not a pet store. I don't want a pet. I want an engaging visual representation of my quirky yet relatable side. It also needs to be small enough to slingshot into the woods when I'm done with it. The Midwest parenting vlogosphere moves fast, so I'm going to need to find a new gimmick to keep people's attention within a month. When that happens, it's better to let Dewdrop find his own path than letting him become a squidgy millstone around my neck trying to ground me on my journey to TikTok stardom and personal and global fulfilment. I am a wine drinker, a close personal friend of the mayor, and a filer of complaints about every Super Bowl halftime show since Carol Channing. You do not want to fuck with me. Get me a cuter axolotl, now!

The Best Bang For Your Buck

Wed, 01 May 2024 00:11:21 +0000

Asymmetrical. His friends will FAWN over this fashionable flop-top! Fringe. He'll STAGger in this sexy Southwestern style. Side-swept. White-tail buck? More like red-hot hunk! Blunt. DOEn't sleep on this courageously curt coif! Curtain. Oh DEER, the '70's are back! Tiny. A short style will tell the whole herd they've just been CERVID! illustrations by Katy Maiolatesi

I Had Hope For Humanity, Until I Read My NextDoor Feed

Tue, 30 Apr 2024 23:05:28 +0000

Karen Oak Meadow • 2 wks ago This is an open letter to my neighbor on Pine Creek Lane about respecting boundaries. I'm not gonna name him but it rhymes with Harry. This morning my dog Moe was whimpering and distressed, so I checked the Ring video and saw disturbing footage of you on my driveway carrying my morning paper. I appreciate your moving it off the gutter, but your actions triggered Moe to defend our property. Confronted, you swatted him viciously with the paper. Moe is severely traumatized, and I expect you to pay for his therapy. Also, not trying to be the fashion police here, but those low cut shorts? No one wants to see that. Larry Oak Meadow Karen, your attack dog was going for my jugular. It was either him or me. Frankly you're the one that needs therapy. If it includes a lobotomy, I'll be happy to chip in. Doggo CBD Chewables Sponsored Is your dog overly aggressive? Our chewables will have him chilling like he's at a Phish concert. Take 50% off your first order with promo code MELLOWMUTT. Nancy Oak Meadow • 2 wks ago As president of the Pleasant Hills Preservation Society, I was devastated by the city council's vote to certify the residential zoning changes. While we appeal the decision, I am asking, nay begging, homeowners not to split their lots or build multi units. Don't get me wrong, I love our essential workers. They're the backbone of our society. But we don't want to turn Pleasant Hills into another sh*thole town where they can actually afford to live here. Nelson Oak Meadow Sorry, NIMBY Nancy, but it's too late. I've already split my lot and am installing a nuclear generator on the second one to power my three-story crypto mining rig. Personally, I think this boring town can use a spark! City of Pleasant Hills Civic Center This comment was brought to our attention. Please bear in mind that nuclear reactors are not permitted under the new zoning rules. Nelson Oak Meadow Okay people don't have a meltdown. It's a small modular reactor, not Fukushima. And the energy is carbon free. Isn't that what you eco fascists want? City of Pleasant Hills Civic Center • 13 days ago The city's landfill reduction pilot program is underway. Your organic waste is being converted to fertilizer for local farms. Please keep any inorganic material out of those yellow buckets! Nelson Oak Meadow This is an idiotic idea! You have no idea what people dump in those buckets. I will avoid the farmers market like the plague until this program is stopped. Chester Chatsworth Palmer It's great to see PH being so forward thinking and progressive. Nelson Oak Meadow I'd like to order 3 bags of wool. Because you're a sheep! Karen Oak Meadow • 13 days ago I can't believe I'm saying this, but I found a big dog poop turd on my doorstep this morning. I'm literally shaking. Neighbors: when you walk your dogs, it is your responsibility to carry poop bags and clean up! Larry Oak Meadow That was no dog, I left it myself. Consider it a deposit toward Moe's therapy. 5 12 Lopez Farms Pleasant Hills (Unincorporated) • 10 days ago Hey everyone. Lopez farms is participating in the town's waste fertilizer program. Unfortunately, since yesterday my pig Maybelline is very sick and struggling to breathe. The vet thinks she has a peanut allergy that flared up when she rolled in the tainted dirt. I've set up a GoFundMe campaign to pay for her treatment, please donate whatever you can. For the time being, please keep peanuts out of your organic waste bins. Thank you! Chester Chatsworth Palmer I made a donation and will keep Maybelline in my prayers Nelson Oak Meadow For chrissakes, it's a pig! WTF is the matter with you? Just put it out of its misery and sell us some ham! Improbable Pork Sponsored Do you love pork but can't eat it due to religious or dietary restrictions? Improbable Pork is made from plants, tastes better than the real thing and is both Kosher and Halal certified. Take 20% off your first order with promo code PorkForPeace. Karen Oak Meadow • 6...

So You've Decided to Buy a Chainsaw at Your Age

Fri, 26 Apr 2024 01:37:15 +0000

Thank you for purchasing the Sayer 14-inch gas powered chainsaw! We realize you have many choices for heavy duty cutting and severing appliances to buy when you reach a certain age of so-called maturity and we appreciate that you've chosen a Sayer to help scratch your aging itch. We've been manufacturing and selling quality chainsaws for almost 60 years for everyone from the professional logger to the typical American handyman or woman. So we like to think we know a thing or two about our business. We also deeply care about preserving the safety of our customers and anyone within sawing distance of them. So we know you have an urge to mix up some oil and gas and just start cutting into things with machinery that can radically change the quality of life of another human being. PLEASE KEEP READING! THIS IS IMPORTANT! Owning and maintaining a chainsaw of this size and power safely is just as important as the feeling of usefulness you get when you operate one to improve your home and property. Safety is our and should be (we can't emphasize this enough) your first concern before you begin operating any of Sayer's cutting or slicing products. That's why when you open any Sayer product, the first thing you see is this manual. We also know that you're eager to unwrap the packaging material, two cycle your gasoline and immediately start using your Sayer chainsaw without even glancing at the instructions and safety warnings. We realize that reading probably sounds like the most boring alternative activity compared to slicing up boards for your kids' tree house, pruning the trees in your front yard or cutting stuff for the thrill of cutting through something. It's funny I mentioned that because it perfectly encapsulates my first point. CHAINSAWS ARE NOT PLAYTHINGS! We know that you've got a whole workbench and set of tools in the garage that you're finally getting around to using because you realize the cost of hiring professionals is outlandishly expensive. And now that you're at a comfortable level of fiscal stability that allows you a life outside of work, you naturally just want to jump in and using these tools for the sake of using them. You've never ratcheted so many things in your life and they've never given you quite this level of rush until now. The thing is that a ratchet wrench can't cost you the use of muscle groups and vital nerves. Chainsaws should not be used as grownup toys because they are actually dangerous pieces of machinery that are indifferent to what they are cutting through. Chainsaws don't become sentient and yell to their operators, "Hey! There's a finger in the way of my blade! I know you think you're sawing a 2-by-4 for your new porch but you're about to hit a part of your own body!" Even if your Sayer chainsaw could develop the power of speech, it wouldn't be able to finish such a sentence in time before you start screaming and trying to find the nearest cloth to slow your body's blood flow. CHAINSAWS ARE NOT TOOLS FOR PRANKS! If you're a child of the 80s, then you've grown up watching a whole host of horror movies in which loud machinery serves as an effective interruption to an audience's attention pattern i.e. the jump scare. Director Tobe Hooper may have effectively utilized the chainsaw, this staple of slasher classics, to harness the escapist experience of American cinema but he also knew the deadly power this gas cycled machines possess. You SHOULD NOT use a chainsaw to scare or even reenact your favorite scenes from chainsaw based horror films. Even if you take the chain off of the saw and simply rev the loud engine to scare someone who isn't aware of their surroundings, you're still finding pleasure in the suffering of others in order to feel something. THERE'S NO "WINGING IT" WITH CHAINSAWS! Chainsaws can be a useful tool for building and constructing when they are in the right hands. They can also be implements of dismemberment and regret when they are in the wrong hands (and sometimes those p...

Excerpts from the Episode of SNL Hosted by COVID-19

Fri, 26 Apr 2024 01:15:43 +0000

No stranger to courting controversy with Donald Trump, Elon Musk or Shane Gilles, SNL's host was Covid-19. Lorne Michaels was quoted as saying, "The idea behind the show was always to highlight what is currently happening in the culture, regardless of politics, celebrity popularity or a virus that killed over seven million people." Cast members reacted on social media with the announcement. Bowen Yang posted on Instagram a picture of an N95 mask, with the caption, "This week, I'll be playing a character called Bowen Quarantine!" The post was quickly deleted. The cold open sketch had Donald Trump (James Austin Johnson) announcing Covid as his new running mate. Trump said his first day in office he would pardon Covid and they would work together to give an "extra special Terminator style Covid" to give out to the "woke Democrats, enemies of Trump, Taylor Swift and the Charmin bears." Covid got an unintentional laugh by misreading a cue card and instead of saying promising "no more vaccinations" said "no more vasectomies". Covid had a cringey opening monologue. He did an extended bit about how nobody at the beginning of the pandemic knew that Covid also caused intense diarrhea. "It's like,I'm more than just a cough and fatigue!" When there were only a couple laughs from the audience, Covid made a face and said, "I thought that was funny. Oh well." Covid went to the audience for any still lingering questions about the virus. Several cast members (Sarah Sherman, Mikey Day) ignored science questions in favor of asking Covid what his "body count was with celebrities". A third audience member popped up and it was Dr. Anthony Fauci who wanted to know if Covid, "was interested in doing Neil Simon's The Odd Couple at the Long Wharf in New Haven". Covid ended the set with not a joke, but morphing into a new strain of the virus resistant to most vaccines. Covid and SNL chameleon Chloe Fineman played TSA drug sniffing dogs who lost their sense of smell during Covid and it never returned. As they talk about their day to day, drug runners keep coming through with no problem. "I haven't caught anybody in four years. I guess drugs are a thing of the past!" Commercial parody for Whole Foods bringing back pandemic shopping hours only for senior citizens. Covid played the spokesperson and said that, "we first had these special hours because of me but now, these seniors are horny and looking to smash." The commercial continued to interview happy seniors played by various members of the cast who were isolated by Covid four years ago and are now looking for quick hookups near the hot buffet. Covid popped up on Weekend Update dressed as a syringe and playing Ozempic. Covid and Colin Jost could not get through the bit without breaking as Ozempic talked in an unexplained Southern drawl that people are more willing to put Ozempic in their body no questions asked than the Covid vaccine, "And, hell, that good for ol' Ozempic." Covid petitioned that the musical guest be known anti-Covid vaxxer, Eric Clapton. Clapton sang his hits, "Cocaine" and "Knockin' On Heaven's Door." Clapton was absent from the goodnights which was later found out to be because he contracted Covid, measles and polio. The last sketch was a video by Please Don't Destroy. The boys were working in their office and John and Martin find out to prevent Covid transmission, Ben is still wiping down all his groceries. Ben ends up wiping down the entire world and the sketch ends with Ben walking down the hallways in the office only to inhale Covid from saying "hi" to Tina Fey. The one show ended with the usual goodnights with Covid thanking the cast and crew for a great show. He laughed and shouted over the music out that new CDC standards allow all of them to return to work in two days if they don't have a fever. The real surprise was when Meningitis (like Dave Chappelle earlier this season) jumped on stage from the audience to wave goodbye. Bowen Yang was visibly upset by Measles and left t...

LIST: Old Bands

Tue, 23 Apr 2024 04:49:49 +0000

Up Before The Byrds New Order in My Morning Pill Lineup RUSH to Bingo Jane's Golden Girls Addiction Tears for Fears of What Will Happen If I Don't Forward This Chain Letter Booming Talk Radiohead The Who? Cypress Over the Hill Double Trouble Opening a PDF NWAARP The Walk-In Tub Doors NSYNC with this Cruise Ship's Buffet Rotation Cheap Trick-or-Treaters Also Get Toothbrushes The White-Haired Stripes U2 Can Join Our Bridge Club Green Daytime Nap ZZZZZ Top Abdicated Kings of Leon Blind Faith that No One's Behind Me When I'm Backing Up The Cars Following Me Impatiently The Kinks in My Back Weakened Immune System of a Down The Jackson 5 p.m. Dinner Reservation Red Hot Chili Peppers Require An Antacid Coldplay Bing Crosby on the Jukebox My Great-Grandfather Knew Thomas Jefferson Airplane UB40-Year Class Reunion Coming Up Foreigner to TikTok Blues Mobility Scooter Traveler Rage Against the CPAP Machine The Villages People The Bald Eagles

10 Ways to Play Off Your Bloody Nose During a Work Meeting

Tue, 23 Apr 2024 03:53:02 +0000

1. Propose trust falls as a team-building exercise, then let them hold you there with your head back for a bit. 2. Put a mask on and make others feel bad for not doing so. 3. Explain that a recent article in the Wall Street Journal reported that bloodletting increases productivity. 4. Say it's just allergies. 5. Cover your mouth with prayer hands, look to the floor for several minutes, and then, once the blood has clotted, dramatically look up and say, "I say we sell." (Only works if selling the company is a good idea.) 6. Ask if anyone wants any since you're a universal donor. (Only works if you're O-negative) 7. Hold your coffee mug up to your mouth as though you're taking a sip and leave it there until it either fills up or the meeting ends. 8. Distract the group by snapping a pen in your breast pocket and pretending your carotid artery burst. 9. Face away from the table and make an impassioned speech about changing the world through people-oriented sales tactics while standing by the window and peering down at the bustling city below you. 10. Turn your camera off. (Only works on Zoom.)

FAQ About How to Make This Your Best Seder Yet, So Long As No One Brings Up Israel

Mon, 22 Apr 2024 14:11:52 +0000

Q: If you had one piece of advice for making a great Seder, what would it be? A: Dude, it's in the title. Don't bring up Israel. Q: How long should the Seder be? A: Ideally, it should consist of a 30 second summary of the Passover story before moving on to food. In actuality, it'll be about 19 hours of story during which your father will expound at length about how medieval rabbis disagree about the various numerological implications of the number of plagues. You'll also do dayenu nine times using nine different tunes even though no one knows any of the words after the first verse. Q: Should I eat the kosher-for-Passover cake? A: Would you enjoy eating a pile of sand seasoned with human tears? If so, have at it. Q: How much charoset is too much? A: There is no such thing as too much charoset. Q: How would you explain Manischewitz wine to a gentile at your Seder? A: Pixie-stick-flavored Jewish moonshine. Q: Can I eat peanut butter during Passover? A: No one knows. But two points here. 1) You don't keep Passover, so hard to see why it matters. And 2) if you're a Sephardic Jew, you get to do whatever the fuck you want. Q: Really? Can you, like, convert to being a Sephardic Jew? A: Probably not? The irony being that Sephardic Jews aren't bound by any rules, so if you were Sephardic, you could convert, but then you wouldn't need to. Interesting paradox. Hang on, I should write this down. Q: None of this seems to be accurate. Did you not go to Hebrew school or something? A: Actually, I attended an outrageously expensive Hebrew day school for 12 years. Took Talmud classes and everything. Q: Christ. A: Yeah, him I know about. Q: Seriously though, how do I bring up Israel in a way that sparks a thoughtful conversation in which we exchange competing ideas in a respectful, productive manner? A: That is literally impossible. Don't bring it up. Q: What if I feel a deep sense of moral urgency to talk about it? A: There are many wonderful organizations you can give to. Political actions you can take. Talking to your dumbass family at a Seder is not going to be productive. Q: What if this is the year I convince my most abrasive, intransigent relatives of the correctness of my beliefs? A: Are you even listening to yourself right now? Q: Can I bring up Anne Frank? A: Why would you bring up Anne Frank? Q: I dunno. I'm a depressed Jew, and Israel is off-limits. A: Maybe don't talk at all. Just grit your teeth and suffer through it. Q: If everyone dreads family Seders, why do we keep doing them? A: The terms of all family engagements are very clear: 1) sit in traffic for many hours; 2) eat the culinary equivalent of packing peanuts, 3) leave exhausted and emotionally bludgeoned because someone brought up Israel; 4) vow to never do it again; 5) get guilted into doing it again. Q: How are we supposed to avoid any mention of Israel when the central refrain of the Passover story - and, really, the whole point of the exodus from Egypt - is "Next year in Jerusalem?" A: Good point. Maybe try changing the story. After all, good writing is good rewriting. Q: So "Next year in Hoboken?" A: Next Year in Hoboken!

Product Name Pitches For The New Team USA Women's Olympic Uniform

Fri, 19 Apr 2024 02:08:32 +0000

Nike's reveal of their new Team USA uniforms were met with some surprise last week, when the female bottoms barely covered the genitals of the athletes. Product Name Pitches For The New Team USA Women's Olympic Uniform Hoo-Ha Hammock Red, White, And Bush Crotch Canoe Victorious Vulva Viewer Box Blaster Lady Liberty Labia Lance Beaver Balance Beam USA FUPA Finder Clitoris Concealer Patriotic Pussy Preview Cunt Chafer Furburger Freedom Floss Tuna Taco Tightrope The Ol' Vajazzle Dazzle Twat Trapeze Muff Marquee You're A Grand Old Clam The Full Brazilian Star-Spangled Snatch Sling

Why Are The Trump Jurors Being Excused?

Fri, 19 Apr 2024 01:15:43 +0000

Preferred Schwarzenegger on The Apprentice. Appears to be an actual Christian, rather than a Trump Christian. Elderly man with full head of hair and a naturally healthy complexion. Nazi related tattoos and clothing (although pull aside and arrange possible future speaking engagements at upcoming Trump rallies) Female juror who was a 5, at best a 6. Became agitated and had to be removed when he realized he couldn't bring his tiki torches into the courthouse. Once went to McDonald's for lunch and ordered a salad. Professional mushroom farmer. Rudy Giuliani in disguise, attempting to get closer to Trump. Liberace impersonator who reminded Trump too much of Lindsey Graham. Guy who just wanted a refund for the Trump golden shoes that had given him several ingrown toenails.

15 Fascinating German Words With Imagined English Translations

Thu, 18 Apr 2024 02:26:20 +0000

Fundrelshut (adj) - Describes a food that is perfectly boiled. Omaditenadvizen (noun) - When your Oma tells you to choose a more practical career path. Roschteschiser (adj) - Used to describe a strikingly life-like Haribo gummy bear. Volklpaß (noun) - A family that owns only one Volkswagen, despite having quite a large garage. Fustlaugern (verb) - To go as quickly as one can while riding a public bicycle. Fraffelkatten (noun) - A Christmas Market/Schnitzel shop by day, Christmas Market/biergarten by night. Deutchengrubbenick (noun) - The inability to eat any more German food in one sitting. Spouselvalken (verb) - To hike silently next to your wife of 30 years. Skät (adj) - Used to describe a speedy Bundesliga winger. Kanotbronzenteime (noun) - The sinking feeling that it's going to take a lot more than a week in Majorca to be visibly tan. Draoug (noun) - One handful of beer. Könbleiben (noun) - The realization that you no longer fit into your lederhosen due to one too many draougen. Aufenphewel (noun) - The sense of relief one feels when they see a service worker who isn't dressed like a Bavarian milkmaid. Sibileinfestle (adj) - Describes an event where everyone looks like they are siblings. Munchevinderblinder (noun) - No discernable translation.

Donald Trump's Totally Untrue and Fabricated Random Acts of Kindness

Tue, 16 Apr 2024 20:17:31 +0000

Citizens provide personal accounts of the other side of Donald Trump. Mary from Berkeley: I was at the zoo. There was a baby rhino that wouldn't drink its milk. None of the zookeepers were having any luck. Suddenly, a man emerged from the crowd that had formed. "Mind if I give it a shot?" It was Donald. He asked if I would hold his jacket as he climbed over the fence. He took that baby rhino, cradled it in his arms, and put the bottle in its mouth. As the rhino suckled, Donald caressed its head, and I could faintly hear him whisper, "It's going to be okay, sweet one." Jodi from Boulder: I was only halfway across the street in my wheelchair when one of my wheels became stuck. I panicked. The light was about to change and I couldn't move. Out of nowhere, a large man bounded into the street. It was Donald. With one hand halting traffic, he guided me to safety. I tried to thank him, but Donald wasn't interested. "Where is the nearest hardware store?" he kept asking. When I finally answered him, he quickly helped me into his Prius and took me straight there. Donald purchased the appropriate tools and proceeded to personally fix the faulty wheel in question. He also bought me a backup chair, but I haven't used it yet because this one works better than ever. Thanks, Donald! Ray from Philadelphia: I was checking out at the supermarket and when I looked in my wallet, I realized that I didn't have enough money to cover my groceries. As I began deliberating which items I would have to put back, I heard a voice behind me. "Let me cover this for you." It was Donald. I tried to decline but it was no use. In fact, he doubled down further and paid for everyone else in line. That still wasn't enough for Donald though. Later, when I was loading my groceries into my car, he came running over with a check for $100,000. As he handed it to me, he looked concerned. "Do you think that will be enough?" he asked, a slight tremble in his voice. I was speechless. He then gave me his personal cell number and insisted that I call him if things ever got hard again. Lucy from Portland: I was crying on the street after losing my job and my boyfriend breaking up with me, all on the same day. Everyone else just passed me by, but suddenly I heard a voice. "Are you all right, dear?" I lifted my eyes and saw the look of a kind soul, a person trying to reach out. It was Donald. I told him what happened. He took me out for coffee, then offered to cover my full tuition to get my master's as well as pay for a dating coach until, in his words, "We find you the happiness you deserve." Craig from San Francisco: It was a huge fire and it was obvious that the firefighters were understaffed. Suddenly, a large man in a suit grabbed a hose. It was Donald. One of the firefighters told him to put it down, that he was violating protocol. Donald would hear none of it. "Punish me later! People's lives are at stake right now!" he shouted as he dashed into the flames. Sarah from Seattle: I was walking in the park early one morning and I saw a man crouched on the ground, working in the soil. As I got closer, I could see that it was Donald. I asked him what he was doing. He told me that he was planting a beautiful tree, which would reach full maturity in 50 years. I guess my eyes betrayed a look of sadness because Donald picked up on it immediately. "I see you're doing the math," he said with a warm smile. "And now you're wondering why I'm doing this if I won't be alive to see the fruits of my labor." I nodded, to which Donald responded with a proverb. "Society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in." I felt a renewed faith in humanity upon witnessing this profoundly selfless act. With tears in my eyes, I thanked him for his service to the community and continued my walk. I can't tell you which park we were in because Donald asked that I keep that private. He feared that a media frenzy would "violate the sanctity of the bond between man a...

Sir David Attenborough Narrates a Collaborative Google Doc

Tue, 16 Apr 2024 19:30:55 +0000

As dusk settles on a long day, a unique gathering commences. Nowhere in the world is more alive with energy than this place we visit today: the collaborative Google doc. And here, in this remote corner of the mighty internet, life thrives as an ecosystem of fauna commingles on the evening before a big client presentation. The first creature we're privileged to lay our eyes on is the Anonymous Fox. Its jittery movements indicate it's got nothing to add but it's ready to insert comments before you're even halfway through writing a sentence. Beside it stands the Anonymous Buffalo. Quiet and generous, its presence soothing, it's only here to fix people's typos. But before we're too reassured, with a gentle rumble comes Anonymous Turtle. A living testament to nature's wonders, this survivor still types two spaces after a period that a younger pup will need to fix before morning breaks. A stone's throw away, we notice the glimmer in the eyes of the Anonymous Lemur. It will watch you type all night, its ever-moving cursor following your every keystroke. Following its moves, we see Anonymous Hedgehog, obviously your manager, known for moving slides around at will. Right now, it's quiet, and all around the beasts eye it cautiously. The gentle rustling halfway through the document announces the next animal, the Anonymous Hedgehog. It's impossible to take our eyes off its movements, as it has been trying to spell "entrepreneurship" for the last five minutes straight. From a short distance, Anonymous Crow and Anonymous Tiger have stopped their graph-making to stare and cheer it on, as if saying "no, that word doesn't have one 'o' in it, but we believe in you." Bounding over is the Anonymous Chipmunk. Throughout the evening, it'll pop in and out, revealing itself to be a coworker on vacation who can't help himself. Swiftly, the Anonymous Cheetah approaches. Hurried and lost, this feline looks ready to ping all those around asking why she's only been given comment access. Out from the shadows comes Anonymous Capybara. It's our Oxford comma police, our shepherd of font sizes, and therefore obviously Bill, no question about it. Suddenly, with a dark blue flash, the animals all freeze in place. What could this be? At a closer look we see that Anonymous Iguana has highlighted the entire document. One wrong keystroke and it could delete the entire presentation. Among the scramble, one beast stays in place, mysteriously vigilant. Unannounced until this moment, we wonder what to make of the Anonymous Rhino. Who could this be? What could it want? Ah yes, it's just you, in a different browser tab. A ping on the side saves our band of beings, and the document is once again ready to continue its edit session. As in celebration, a stunning ballet of cursors is performed by Anonymous Squirrel, Anonymous Koala, and Anonymous Python. This is the team on the West Coast, a group that has been told to return to the office and now spends their days like this, typing up comments to one another from their desks, their headphones on until it's time to head back home. Such is the magic of the collaborative Google doc, a place where teamwork intertwines with self-promotion; where every creature, no matter how junior, plays a part in the dance of capitalism. Tomorrow we begin it all anew once a vice-president decides to pivot direction in the morning. Nature's wonders never cease to amaze.

Who Gets What in the Divorce of America

Fri, 12 Apr 2024 02:43:40 +0000

When Donald Trump was elected president, America's honeymoon was officially over. He fanned the flames of division, and made it a point to split the country down the middle. And as with any separation or divorce, each side is due their community property. But how to decide who gets what? Well, here is your handy official guide: MAGA gets: Wal Mart Everyone else gets: Target MAGA gets: Kid Rock Everyone else gets: Anything else. Literally, anything else. MAGA gets: Cracker Barrell Everyone else gets: Cracker Barrell via Uber Eats MAGA gets: New members to train for militia Everyone else gets: Birth control. MAGA gets: Prom Everyone else gets: Bring your daughter to work day MAGA gets: Weekend hunting trip. Everyone else gets: Weekend of running and hiding from crazed Trump voters in the wild. MAGA gets: Daily bomb assembly lessons. Everyone else gets: Home schooling. MAGA gets: Book burning. Everyone else gets: Burning carbs. MAGA gets: Threatening political rivals. Everyone else gets: Threatening to move to Canada. MAGA gets: Crack houses Everyone else gets: Bounce houses

The Harkonnen Family Holiday Letter - Year 10191 AG

Fri, 12 Apr 2024 01:30:43 +0000

Dear Family and Frenemies, We hope that you, like us, have had a wonderfully miserable holiday season. This year we have counted myriad blessings, unique new forms of torture, and many fulfilling career developments in the descendants of my bloodline. My son, Baron Vladimir Harkonnen reclaimed the Siridar Fief of Arrakis from the contemptibly kind Duke Leto, finally achieving his lifelong goal of destroying the house of Atreides (yay!) and restoring a social order built on treachery and punishment. It seems like just yesterday I was giving him his first oil and balsamic vinegar bath! In another exciting career development, my grandson Glossu Rabban (his friends call him "Beast" ever since he strangled his father) was appointed Governor of Arrakis! Before anyone starts throwing out terms like "nepo baby," I can assure you he climbed to the top of the Harkonnen hierarchy through our traditional family values of deceit, trickery, and assassination. Outside of work, Beast continues to volunteer at his neighborhood slave-auction ring and be an active member of the weightlifting community. Feyd-Rautha started off the year per-usual as the family favorite, killing not one but three Atreides slaves (one of which wasn't even drugged!) in a Gladiatorial match that drew rave reviews in all of our state-controlled media outlets. I was in the front row cheering him on with a bag of orange slices in case he needed them (but of course he didn't!). Feyd-Rautha also became Governor of Arrakis and quickly took to 1. Exterminating the Fremen rats, 2. Passing the Gom Jabbar "Test of Humanity" with flying colors, and 3. Slitting the throats of his many Darlings not because they did anything but just because he felt like it. Some people might think he's an overachiever, I just think he's a Harkonnen Lastly, we ended up having a somewhat unexpected family reunion when we discovered a couple of brand new relatives: Lady Jessica and Paul Atreides! This was hard to believe at first but it was confirmed by both the 'Water of Life' and by '23,000-and-Me.' It was so lovely and meaningful to reconnect them with our heritage and I'm happy to report that the family reunion ended in a brutal knife fight. I couldn't be prouder to see that Jessica's son Paul has lived up to his family tradition of ambition, hatred and violence. Since murdering the Baron and conquering Arrakis, Paul has not only usurped Emperor Shaddam IV (starting a galaxy-wide jihad which is sure to kill millions) but also cheated on his long-time girlfriend. Paul now fancies himself unbound by the constraints of monogamy but I suspect we may hear some wedding bells in the future for him and Princess Irulan! Perhaps a new addition to the family is on the way!? (Haha I know, I know! I'm sorry Paul but this is what great-grandmas are here for!) All jokes aside, it has been wonderful to see all the descendants of my bloodline doing work they love, taking risks and succeeding, and making use of all of their talents. Everything they do, they do with such malice. Words cannot express how fortunate and grateful we are for our horrible family, frenemies and now… freMenemies (LOL). Cold regards, Victoria Harkonnen

2024 Coachella Act or Cancelled Netflix Series

Thu, 11 Apr 2024 01:35:23 +0000

1. Upchuck 2. Sense8 3. Iron Fist 4. Everything Sucks 5. Altered Carbon 6. Tuca and Bertie 7. Snowflake Mountain 8. Jessica Jones 9. Burna Boy 10. Doja Cat 11. Lil' Yachty 12. Everything Sucks! 2024 Coachella Act: 1, 4, 9, 10, 11 Canceled Netflix Show: 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 12

I'm A Bath-This Election Season, Help Me Defeat April Showers As The Primary Bathing Method

Wed, 10 Apr 2024 02:51:53 +0000

For the past several centuries, showers have overtaken our country. Showers have taken the phrase "April showers bring May flowers" and weaponized it to control an entire country of people. Now look at the state of the bathroom. It's a disgrace! Look at yourself in the mirror. There's pubic hair everywhere, there's black mold in the grout, and the water's rising because of a clog. You deserve a better kind of body bathing during the month of April. You need…a bath. In the news and mainSTREAM media, I have been ridiculed left and right about some missteps in my past. My critics claim that I'm too young and scrappy, and only kids take me. I've been accused of tepid and lukewarm bath water during the last election cycle. Some have even profiled me as really gross, because it feels like you're sitting in your own filth. Showers have gone on campaigns and told crowds to "drain the swamp"-but, you know what? The water feels fine in here. I'm not the same bath I was four years ago. I have a lot more to offer now, like health care for all (hello, Dr. Teal's!) and healthy, curtain-free trade relationships with other countries like my Italian counterpart, the Jacuzzi. Also, if you haven't noticed, bubble baths are so back. We're popping, baby. I mean, have you seen Pretty Woman? Bathing with me is a vote for relevance and progressiveness! While I'm known for my squeaky clean reputation, guess what? I'm not afraid to play a little dirty. Now my leaky adversary, the shower, has been controlling the levels of our society in April for far too long. We are so tired of the indecisive leadership they've shown, are they hot, are they cold? Pick a side! People who like to shower aka "Showerheads," say they love doing it because they like to "clear their head." But those hollow, mean clean machines are misguided. The bathroom is for reading and enriching the mind. Why else do you think there are 10-year-old People magazines next to the toilet? Bath time is for reading steamy romance novels and it's why the average bathtub bather has a higher IQ according to my research. When you're with me, you have my commitment to one temperature. Besides the hot and cold temperament of my incumbent, we've seen the shower fall under pressure during an attack from a foreign enemy. Yes, I'm talking about the attack of someone flushing the toilet when someone's in the shower, freezing them to death with ice cold water. It's vital under my April Administration that we defend our borders. I'm not afraid to deploy my bath bombs if provoked! One thing I don't have to offer yet, is campaign merch. But that's only because I haven't been able to land on a slogan that I'm 100% passionate about. I've been kind of workshopping some slogans that could replace "April showers bring May flowers" for when I (hopefully) win. I haven't landed on one just yet, but I really think I'm getting close. There's "It's Our Time: Bath Time," which I really think could bring the party together. Make us feel as one unified pool of water, right? Then there's "Baths For the People," which I'm going back and forth on…on one hand, it's a powerful stream, but on the other, it seems a little ripped off Les Mis, does it not? And then, I've also been toying with "Make America Take Baths Again" which I really think could look great monogrammed on a nice set of bath towels. Anything to spread the word! Under my lead, we will clog the hate coming from the shower. I'm not afraid to reach across the tub and invite people over for a bath. It is as powerful of an act as bathing with your little brother or sister when you were 2 years old or if you're a gay couple like Bert and Ernie. Additionally, I'm prioritizing conservation with my promise to bring back the rubber duckies back to America's tubs, saving them from near extinction after the rise of the Shower Empire. The seas will be filled with Mother Goose and her little ducklings as you soak in your dirt and you'll never feel better, I promise that. F...

By Doing Whatever We Ask, You Agree to Our Terms

Wed, 10 Apr 2024 02:02:45 +0000

By checking this box, you agree to our terms. By using this app, you agree to our terms. By clicking on an email from us with the subject "We've changed our terms," you agree to our terms. By clicking on an email from us with the subject "Mom needs help now," you agree to our terms. By deleting an email from us that includes the word "terms," you agree to our terms. By not agreeing to our terms, you agree to our terms. By clicking this box without reading our terms, you admit to being a first-class liar. By complaining about us on social media, you agree to our terms and owe us a heartfelt apology. By live streaming your attempt to complete three consecutive somersaults, you agree to our terms and become a viral sensation and/or a laughingstock. By dialing 911, you may have to wait up to six minutes to agree to our terms. By crossing out certain terms, you open yourself up to a claim for emotional distress in an amount to be determined by a jury of your peers. By agreeing to our terms, you acknowledge our right to garnish your wages. By pretending to agree to our terms, we'll pretend not to dox you. By agreeing to our terms, you must unconditionally surrender.

Pros and Cons of Becoming a Vampire

Fri, 05 Apr 2024 01:25:47 +0000

Pro: Won't get any new wrinkles. Con: Stuck with the existing frown lines. Pro: Can easily make new friends by turning them into vampires. Con: New friends will resent me for making them into vampires without asking first. Pro: Can sleep in as late as I want. Con: Won't get to see the sun. Pro: Will finally get over my fear of blood. Con: Will become obsessed with blood to an unhealthy degree. Pro: Won't ever have to go grocery shopping or cook again. Con: No more Uber Eats. Pro: Won't need to keep up with the latest fashion trends since can't see myself in the mirror. Con: Won't know if there's blood smeared on my face. Pro: Will have a reason to start a gang and call ourselves "The Lost Girls." Con: Will have to keep explaining the connection to the 1987 film "The Lost Boys" featuring Kiefer Sutherland. Pro: Won't get invited into people's homes anymore. Con: Won't have an excuse to bail on going out after 9 pm. Pro: Will finally have a cool rivalry with werewolves. Con: Will have to explain to my dog why we are suddenly arch-rivals. Pro: Won't have to set aside a sizable chunk of change for funeral expenses. Con: Will have to invest in a premium coffin and replace the memory foam pad every year in perpetuity. Pro: Won't have to pay taxes as tax laws are for humans. Con: An overzealous single-minded IRS employee with a checkered past will become obsessed with tracking me down and making me pay for decades of back taxes, passing down her vendetta from generation to generation, kind of like Buffy the Vampire Slayer but less interesting. Pro: Will get to say, "I told you so," about all the things I was right about in the future. Con: Everyone I'll want to say it to will be dead.

Are My Symptoms Seasonal Allergies…Or?

Thu, 04 Apr 2024 01:45:22 +0000

Spring is here, and that means seasonal allergies are too. But your sneeze might not be due to springtime pollen. Allergy-like symptoms could also be: Common cold Sinus infection Flu COVID-19 RSV Monkeypox Measles Shingles Bubonic Plague Justinian Plague (making a comeback) An ancient disease from the thawing permafrost Exposure to toxic algal blooms, flesh-eating bacteria, brain-eating amoeba, or other pathogens from warming oceans, coastlines, rivers, and lakes Anal seepage from unknowingly inhaling / ingesting a credit card's worth of microplastics each week General emphysema and asthma-like symptoms from smog, wildfire smoke, and other 'natural' pollutants Gradual neurodegeneration from pesticides, herbicides, industrial chemicals, heavy metals and mercury, radioactive runoff, and other widespread industrial pollutants Lyme, Babesia, and-or another tick-borne disease (Babesia is the best, because it sounds nice) Zika, West Nile, Dengue, or Chikungunya, transmitted by mosquitoes, gnats, no-see-ums, fleas, chiggers, and biting flies (god, aren't biting flies the worst! by the way, only mosquitoes carry these. the others are just fun to say) Swine Flu Equestrian Flu Extraterrestrial Flu Antibiotic-resistant bacteria or a drug-resistant fungal infection contracted in a hospital Any of the hundreds of infectious diseases (re-)emerging and ramifying due to pollution and global warming (*see full list) Exposure to a secret government or private 'sonic attack,' 'directed microwave energy' attack, or bioweapon Traumatic stress and delirium from living in a famished war zone General malaise and desensitization from noise pollution, light pollution, cellphone tower and satellite signals, screen exposure, and other electromagnetic waves ADHD, 'the shakes,' and St. Vitus dance from smartphone, social media, video game, and other media overstimulation Anxiety or obsession from rampant mis- and dis- information, conspiracy theories, 'Post-Truth,' 'Fake News,' 'Alternative Facts,' deepfakes, and pseudoscience AI manipulation Political exhaustion Addlement from countless online, phone, and mailing frauds, scams, and identity thefts Crushing depression and despondency from the current cultural, economic, and environmental state of the world and its probable impending doom Chlamydia, Syphilis, or another STD from all the abandoned profligate sex you've been having with countless random partners due to the aforementioned sense of hopelessness The BLUES (often cured through crooning your woes sadly on the guitar) 'Bleeding Out' (somehow mentioned in 75% of all Improv Comedy performances) 'The Fear' (typically experienced after ingesting huge quantities of psychoactive substances and reading the entire oeuvre of Hunter S. Thompson) Lycanthropy, Vampirism, or Zombification Klingon Augment Virus, Pa'nar Syndrome, or The Phage; Andromeda Strain, or Protomolecule (*see Extraterrestrial Flu) Idiopathic Meningkaliofrasticnucleocellularnanophytoencephelitis Love Sickness Climate Change Denial Disorder White Man's Burden Cooties Bad Breath Shame If you're not sure what might be causing your allergy-like symptoms, consult with your doctor today! Or - as they might be on a leave of absence due to their own persistent symptoms - any remotely qualified medical practitioner (or veterinarian) who'll see you.

A Letter from Someone Who Wants to Keep a Confederate Statue Up Solely Because That's Where He Lost His Virginity

Tue, 02 Apr 2024 20:58:33 +0000

Dear Town Board of Trustees, When I heard the news that the park's famed statue of Confederate General Stonewall Jackson was scheduled to be torn down later this year, I was devastated. That weathered monument has had such a special place in my heart over the past twenty years, but not because I am some Confederate sympathizer, no. I am proud to say that it was the spot where I, as an inebriated young lad, made love with a woman for the first time at two thirty in the morning. Look, I understand that the statue is deplorable and recalls a racist and divisive history of intolerance, but it represents more than a bygone era; it embodies the indomitable legacy of horny teens, such as myself, seeking a convenient place to get their pecker wet after homecoming. Is that not something worth commemorating and honoring? I believe our nation's founders would say so. This celebrated monument is not merely a structure of hate, it is a symbol of resilience, honor, and the enduring spirit of my raging erection that was harder than the bronze making up General Jackson that fateful night. And with God as my protector, (which he was back then because I was not wearing a condom) I will see to it that the significance of my dalliance with ol' what's her name is not understated. Before the board makes any rash decisions, they need to know that the statue represents an important part of my heritage, but not because of any deep-seated racial prejudice, but because it was the place that I, and possibly my forefathers before me, learned the ins and outs of the female anatomy. Let us not forget the valor and bravery of our ancestors who first went down on a woman's nether regions up against the hard, cold granite of the pedestal. Many of our town's own residents can trace their origins back to this very statue, and yet the board seems indifferent to our proud collective identity. Once ol' General Jackson is no longer standing in the park, where will I point to when I want to recount to people the greatest night of my life? How will I explain to my son where his old man received his first ever sloppy toppy? And if that statue is removed, what's next to be torn down? The McDonald's parking lot where I got my first hand job? The single-stalled bathroom at the bowling alley where I had my first threesome? The supply closet at the Chuck E. Cheese where I had my first threesome with two women? Where will it end? One of those women was Regina Berman. Regina FREAKING Berman. Again, I am completely aware of the reprehensible nature of that statue being there, but it is a complicated issue for me. Was General Jackson a man who fought fiercely to uphold a racist institution and further white supremacy? Yes. Was his gaze the first that met mine as I thrusted my way into the best intercourse a 16-year-old horndog could hope for? Also yes. There are two sides to everything. Let us honor this statue not as a celebration of division, but as a tribute to the struggles of young men who have had to subdue their urge to climax too early. To the enduring resilience and courage of couples who have had to run away half-naked from the cops. Each time I stand under the shadow of that eminent monument, glancing longingly at one of my love stains that still marks its pedestal, I am reminded of the start of my many sexual escapades of the past and my many more to come. The south of my belt will rise again. So I implore you to consider the feelings of I and so many adolescents who have absolutely no allegiance to a disgraceful slave-holding rebel state, but just need a safe place to experience the magic and thrill of their first boink. Let us chart a course for the future where teens of all races can get caught up in impromptu sexy rendezvous under Stonewall Jackson's careful watch. Signed, A Concerned Resident

Your New iPhone with AiOS

Tue, 02 Apr 2024 20:25:59 +0000

Apple is currently negotiating with Google to explore the possibility of integrating Google's Gemini generative AI engine into its iPhones. While an AiOS sounds like an exciting new feature, this idea does lend itself to some frightening possibilities. Your camera becomes overly enthusiastic, turning your phone into a relentless paparazzi that documents every moment of your life, whether you like it or not. Maps assumes control of your routes and starts sending you on scenic detours through obscure back roads, all in the name of self-care, because you need more "me time" with nature. Apple Music replaces your morning commute playlist with obscure tunes from ancient civilizations because nothing beats a journey through Mesopotamian melodies on a crowded bus. The Fitness app now sends you passive-aggressive messages when you skip workouts. It also comments when you order donuts from Uber Eats. Safari starts to have a little fun with your private browsing sessions, leaving cryptic and threatening messages like "Does your wife know about your recent obsession with uniformed hentai GILFs?". Your iPhone decides that the stories selected by Apple News are boring and starts generating fictional accounts about alien invasions and Chupacabra sightings in your neighborhood. The Health app becomes overly concerned about your well-being and starts diagnosing you with rare diseases based on your daily step count. Your Wallet app decides you're too frivolous with your money and starts donating small amounts from your bank account to random charities, but also to far-right political campaigns. Messages sends pithy and irreverent condolences when you pause too long after a friend texts you to say their cat or mom has died. Notification Center's bizarre life hacks are actually designed to harm you and all other annoying humans.

How to Do the Monkey Bars as an Adult

Fri, 29 Mar 2024 01:26:49 +0000

In adulthood, the monkey bars become a rare and mythical concept. Like a unicorn, or a pickleback shot you don't immediately regret. But if you're like me, you're either looking to recapture a shred of your childlike innocence, or you're seeking revenge against Amelia, who beat you in the monkey bars contest in 3rd grade. Here are a few things you should consider. Invest in life insurance. This has less to do with the monkey bars, and more to do with the inherent risks of adulthood. Also, you might fall off the monkey bars and die on impact. It's good to be prepared. Amelia probably doesn't have life insurance. Double knot your shoelaces. Research shows that those who double knot their shoelaces are 146 percent less likely to trip and break their face than people who don't. Also, don't wear heels to do the monkey bars. Despite my mother's protest, I did this in 3rd grade, and studies show it's 67 percent of the reason I now talk about a girl from 3rd grade in therapy. Notify a trusted adult of your whereabouts. Make sure this trusted adult is not Amelia because she cannot be trusted. Prepare yourself physically. You can do this by lightly stretching or running a marathon. Whatever your method, it's key that your limbs are adequately stretched and warmed up, and that your body is properly fueled by spite towards Amelia. It was never just about monkey bars. It never is just about monkey bars. I wore heels to do the monkey bars in 3rd grade because I wanted to impress Amelia. I was always trying to impress Amelia. I fell off my bike and skinned my knee because I wanted to show Amelia I could ride a two-wheeler without falling off and skinning my knee. I could not. But Amelia was never impressed. She was too busy trying to get Justin to notice her. He never did. Pack snacks. Protein-rich snacks will sustain you through what could turn into 8-hours of flailing while small children named Justin throw chewed up Goldfish at you. Don't share any of your snacks with the small children. You made this mistake in third grade. This will only encourage them to throw more Goldfish at you. Don't expect Amelia to defend you. Practice your grip strength. Being able to hold onto something cold and fleeting, like the feeling of your continued offers of friendship being harshly rejected as a child will help you successfully swing the monkey bars as an adult. For extra training, practice squeezing your phone until your knuckles turn white when your parents remark how well Justin from elementary school is doing. Do a practice round. Before you announce your intentions to do the monkey bars as an adult online or in person, go by yourself, preferably late at night to practice without any witnesses. And that's when you see her. Amelia. Standing alone in front of the monkey bars. It's been 20 years, but you still feel an innate need to impress her. "Hi," she breathes. She offers you a single Goldfish. This time, Justin hasn't chewed it. You take it, while telling her you can ride a two-wheel bike now without falling off and skinning your knee. She laughs and says she's impressed. You hang on the monkey bars facing each other. You kiss. Then you fall off and roll your ankle. But it's so worth it.

Inside Sedition and 8 Other Potential Ronna McDaniel's Fox News Shows

Thu, 28 Mar 2024 20:36:13 +0000

Fired from NBC, look for Ronna McDaniel to land on her feet at FOX News. Potential shows include: Inside Sedition Fox and No Friends Bigly Brother CSI: Mar A Lago No Truth or Any Consequences Big Steal or No Big Steal The Price is ALT Right The Evil Sorcerer's Apprentice To Never Tell the Truth

Everything I Remember

Wed, 27 Mar 2024 20:29:52 +0000

I still remember the best birthday I ever had. My girlfriend slept with my best friend. I got fired from my job. To cheer myself up, I bought a slice at my favorite pizzeria. I got food poisoning and was throwing up for hours. I had to go to the emergency room. The doctor who treated me was Lisa, the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. I asked her to marry me. She said no, and had another doctor take over my treatment. But when I got home, do you know what I realized? It wasn't my birthday. Flipping through a family photo album sets off a cascade of memories for me - even if the photos are decades old, I'm not in any of them, and I don't know these people. Despite all of that, the memory comes through: I'm supposed to be doing something right now. Why does that walk with my sister through the woods, the leaves crunching beneath our boots as we talked about our dreams for the future, feel like it happened yesterday when it was a few minutes ago? I worry about my memory sometimes. This weekend, I forgot that guy's name - that genius astrophysicist who's on TV a lot. Fifteen minutes, I'm walking around thinking: "He has three names. I know that. I heard him narrate this show at the American Museum of Natural History. The Hayden Planetarium. What is his name?" Then it comes to me: Neil deGrasse Tyson. So who's the genius now? Let's see him try to remember my name. As I handle mementos around my house, they bring up recollections from many years ago. The movie-ticket stub that I found and fished out of a public garbage can. The program from a play that I found and fished out of a public garbage can. The public garbage can that I carried home in case anything else interesting was in there. Now I use it to store my mementos. Research shows that couples who discuss positive memories together are happier than those who don't, and I remember clearly the first time I screamed at my girlfriend for not understanding that. Mnemonic devices can help you remember things, but people don't realize they can also be useful for helping you misremember things. For example, SKIBARF helps you misremember the first seven Presidents of the United States: Shelley, Ken, Ira, Buchanan, Andrews, Rowley, and Fifth President. "SKIBARF." It's easy, and if you stick to it you'll never be right. Some lessons stay with you. I remember when I was ten years old and obsessed with baseball. I played from sunrise to sundown, and I got pretty good. My Little League team reached the championship game, and I came to bat with the bases loaded, two outs, and my team down by one run in the bottom of the ninth. It was the situation every ballplayer dreams of. I worked a full count, but I struck out and we lost. I collapsed at home plate and cried. But then Dad came up to me, put his arm around my shoulder, and said he was proud of me. I was blown away. The biggest game of the season, and Dad hadn't even paid attention. I worry about my memory sometimes. This weekend, I forgot that woman's name - that musician who sang "Girls Just Want to Have Fun." Fifteen minutes, I'm walking around thinking: "She sang 'She Bop' and 'True Colors' and 'Time After Time.' The album was called She's So Unusual. I even know that she co-wrote and performed on the song 'Code of Silence' by Billy Joel in 1986 for his album The Bridge. What is her name?" Then it comes to me: Cyndi Lauper. So who's the icon of '80s pop music and fashion now? Let's see her try to remember my name. Sometimes it can be difficult to remember the mnemonic device you were using. If that ever comes up, refer to the following mnemonic for mnemonics: "S!" The "S" stands for "SKIBARF," and the exclamation point is because you're excited. Of all the senses, none is more linked with memory than smell. I can still remember being in my early 20s, taking in the rank smell of the dive-bar urinal during a long night of urinal-smelling. A song can bring you back to a different time and place, one you haven't thought of since long ...

Conversations Between a Woman and the Dog She's Unknowingly Dating on 'Love Is Blind'

Tue, 26 Mar 2024 20:13:23 +0000

Kelsie R., 27, Business Development Manager, and Maverick, 5, Golden Retriever, enter their respective pods on Love Is Blind. A wall prevents them from seeing each other. KELSIE R.: Hi! Am I talking to Maverick? [MAVERICK whimpers and wags his tail.] KELSIE R.: I knew it was you! So, I thought about you all night after our last conversation. All I can think about is like, cuddling on the couch and watching Bravo with you. [MAVERICK's head tilts at the mention of the word couch.] KELSIE R.: You're just so different from other guys I've dated. You're an amazing listener and such a treat to talk to. MAVERICK: Arf arf!!! KELSIE R.: Not you getting excited to hang out with me! [MAVERICK huffs.] KELSIE R.: So I've been thinking about our previous conversation and how we would do Christmas day together. I am so looking forward to like, hanging out in matching pajamas, opening presents with the kids, maybe drinking mimosas, and cooking a nice cut of meat? [MAVERICK perks up when Kelsie says 'meat.'] KELSIE R.: Okay, I'm gonna go. But when I tell you I'm going to take a bath [MAVERICK whines in terror.] KELSIE R.: Did you say something? Anyway, I'm going to replay our conversation over and over. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep! Talk to you tomorrow, babe! [MAVERICK notices his tail and starts chasing it.] The following day Maverick and Kelsie R. are on another date in the pods. KELSIE R.: Mav? MAVERICK: Arf! KELSIE R.: It's the enthusiasm for me! K, I'm so happy it's you. So I thought it would be fun to talk about an ideal day together. For me, it's sleeping in, having coffee, maybe going to workout… [MAVERICK falls asleep.] KELSIE R.: Then we can go for a walk in the par MAVERICK (going absolutely nuts): Arf ruff RUFF!!! KELSIE R.: Babe! OMG that is so great you feel the same way! I've had no luck in the past and 100% of the guys I've dated have cheated on me. But you get me, and I know just by talking to you that you'd never stray. I'm getting loyal vibes! Maverick, I think-no I know-I'm falling in love with you. And you don't have to say it back. I know it's soon. [MAVERICK lifts his leg and pees in a plant.] Kelsie R. and Maverick are once again meeting in the pods. Kelsie is dressed to the nines. Maverick has a stuffed bear in his mouth. KELSIE R.: I know this is unconventional, but that's how confident I am that you're my person. You are the best friend a girl could ever ask for. You're sweet, a good listener, and I know you'll be by my side throughout life's journeys. Maverick L. Goodboy, will you make me the happiest woman on Earth and marry me? [MAVERICK stares at the wall.] KELSIE R.: Mav? [MAVERICK yelps.] KELSIE R.: Oh my god, yes!!! I am so happy, I just want to hold you right now! [MAVERICK licks his balls.] Kelsie R. and Maverick are about to see each other in person. Kelsie looks nervous, while Maverick is distracted by a shiny light in the ceiling. The doors open and they see each other. KELSIE R.: What the fuck!? Did I get engaged to a DOG? [MAVERICK hangs his head in shame.] KELSIE R.: You know what? Nothing else has worked out, and we're all clearly unhinged. Whatever, I'm in.

AITA for Creating a Universe Without Any Proof of My Existence and Then Punishing People for All Eternity if They Don't Believe In Me?

Tue, 26 Mar 2024 19:32:06 +0000

My son (32M) and I have been arguing about this for ages. He says it's unfair of me to require total unwavering belief without offering the slightest shred of evidence that I exist. I say he needs to stop blaming ME for other people's suffering, despite the fact that I control the past, present, and future, that my will is all-encompassing, and that my plan cannot be deviated from. Some background: my son lives at home, has no job, no wife, no kids, and is totally supported by me. Whenever I bring this up, he says it has nothing to do with what we're talking about, and that I'm using ad hominem attacks to distract from the fact that I'm wrong. NGL, it pisses me off because I am perfect in every way. When I told him that I literally am incapable of making mistakes, that any act perpetrated by me is by definition an infallible act, he rolled his eyes (kids! jfc) and said something about otters being rapists and a bunch of other woke nonsense. I told him to go to his room and he stomped away, calling me a boomer under his breath. Me! The Lord of all Creation! Our conversation upset me so much that I sent a plague to decimate the human race. I'll admit, I may have overreacted a little - but that was 700 years ago! Since then, I've been doing breathing exercises to help manage my explosive temper (every day is a practice, namaste). Once in a while, I slip up and let a few million die in a horrific act of genocide. But besides that, I've made nice progress. I really want to resolve this argument with my son because it's making life at home super tense. No matter how many times I tell him that faith requires having confidence in something you haven't experienced with your senses, he won't accept it. He says if that's the case, then why did I give people the tool of reason, and make it essential to their advancement? I said that reason is good but it's not a replacement for God's Word, and he's like, do you even hear yourself, Dad? Me me me! He said I should make a post on reddit. I think I'm obviously in the right. I'm an all-powerful, all-knowing, immutable, perfectly good creator so I don't see how I could possibly be wrong. But then again… AITA?

CARTOON: Rosemary's Baby Daddy

Fri, 22 Mar 2024 18:02:27 +0000

The Inner Monologue of a Cyclist in a City

Thu, 21 Mar 2024 17:35:54 +0000

I'm so glad I decided to step out of the house today. It's lovely! Makes sense that this is what all the poets are on about all the time. I'm so glad I went with Sylvia when she wanted to get her bike repaired. If someone like Sylvia can commit to biking every day, there's no way I can't. I am way more committed than she has ever been. I bet she'll last a week at most, just long enough for the neighborhood to know that Sylvia can cycle. Wow, this bike is smooth, considering it's been, what, five years since I last rode it? That garage did really good work. I'll have to review them on Yelp. Wonder if I can mention that it helped that I got the cute guy to fix my bike. Should be a rating option, the cuteness of the service provider. Maybe then I'll start getting good reviews for my work, because honestly, at this point it's beginning to seem like everyone is just Okay no, stop, stop thinking. I should listen to my therapist and not think about my work when I'm trying to rel What was that?! What did I just run over? Oh god oh god. Why isn't there a rearview mirror on this bike? Don't bikes usually have a rearview mirror!? Now I have to stop and see if I ran over someone's pet hamster or something. Oh. It was only a speed bump. Why do they need speed bumps on a bike track! We're all going at, like, 10 miles per hour! If I wanted to go any slower, I would have walked! Who plans these cities? Is this a job I can do? Maybe then I won't just be sitting at a desk and waiting for something to happen…No. No I'm NOT going to think about work. Think of something else, something else. Oh right. I have to go back to the garage, get some mirrors fitted. Ha, maybe I can slip the cute guy my number. What is with the bike bell being a faint trill? Why don't bikes have louder horns? Bicycles are already small enough! How is a bus going to hear me if I'm coming? Who decided to give bigger vehicles bigger horns? Shouldn't smaller vehicles have the louder horns? If people can't see us coming, at least they can hear us. Who makes these decisions? How do I find them? It's like nobody really cares about us cyclists. But am I a cyclist? I mean, is there a cutoff for being a cyclist? I suppose I have to do it for at least a month before I can call myself one. Don't think it'd be fair to update my profiles, but maybe if I change my bio on the dating app and add some pictures, that sexy athlete will finally match with me. We could go cycling together and be a faster version of the couple that runs together. Maybe we could get a tandem bicycle and start an Instagram page! @intandem. It would be hilarious. And cute. Definitely cute, in an avant garde way, where, you know, we'd be dismissive and indifferent about it so it makes it cuter. It fails if we care too much. But I know I wouldn't. Obviously. Wow is this what my therapist meant when she said that I get carried away by my thoughts? Is it progress that I'm noticing it now? I should write this down for the next session. Ugh nobody really tells you just how hard a bicycle seat is, do they? Why is this not on cycling forums and cycling PSAs? And how did I forget? This might be the most uncomfortable I have ever been, even compared to ninth grade when I went through that entire day with my skirt caught in my underwear and people decided it would be hilarious to not tell me. This is definitely worse. Also how do men deal with these hard seats? I wonder if I could attempt to cross the road without having my mortality threatened by these giant metallic hunks. They should ban big cars. Anything bigger than a Beetle should be outlawed and the owners fined. Maybe that's the answer to global warming. Get them out of their jeeps and onto bicycle seats. They might be able to drive a stick, but can they sit on one for what feels like forever? Haha, I'm hilarious. If only the sexy athlete matched with me, he could find out. Maybe I'll run into the sexy athlete on the track. His photo made it seem like he was cyclin...

I'm the Understudy to the "Maps" App, and Tonight Could Be My Night

Thu, 21 Mar 2024 16:45:39 +0000

The air is electric. Literally. We're software encoded into a dashboard console. But for the precious cargo we guide through the concrete labyrinth tonight, we are something more… Magic. It never gets old. The whinny of the ignition key. The growl of the engine. The DING-DING-DING of the warning lights, performing their cautionary symphony. And then, a sharply taken-in breath. A moment of contemplation. An address being plucked by one of Them, vital and squirming, straight from the ether, although more likely from the bottom of an e-mail. "1723 Willoughby Trace." The words hover in the frosty air like an incantation. One-seven-two-three, one-seven-two-three, I trill to myself, my hours of "Singapore number-drills" paying off, as my mind drifts off into what I might say next: At the second light, take the access road to Interstate - " Wake up, me! Stop dreaming and look alive! This is my moment. I see Them, their gloved fingers a crescendo of taps on the buttons above me, entering those precious numbers and letters that bring me to life, infused with the joy of guiding others to their sacred destination. Or at least, would bring me to life. Theoretically. Unless, once again, MAPTRON powers up, as he has the past 2,819 times, and once again flawlessly provides Them with detailed, turn-by-turn directions to… that stupid address something something Willoughby what does it matter they think I'm a joke, the whole car does, even the DEEP BREATHS. BALINESE GONG MEDITATION. TIME TO DO MY AFFIRMATIONS… I affirm that even though I'm only "giving directions" in a whispered voice, off in the digital wings of the Driver Interface, I am still giving directions. And no one can take that away from me. And that if I fully devote myself to my craft, identifying every turn a "haffamile" ahead, weirdly deadening any word that was ever even close to Hispanic, and flagging every accident-advisory while still deftly pirouetting back to "You're still on the fastest route."… I will find my navigationary audience. Or should I say, they will find me. It's a good thing I was busy running through these exercises in my mind, because it distracted me from the rusty-razor-blade tones of that SOULLESS TOOL they call a GPS, carelessly tossing off phrases like "Stay right and proceed to the left" like it wasn't Shakespearean poetry? Then again, that's the kind of cretinous ignorance I've come to expect from this generation of Entertainment Console programs. These troglodytes couldn't tell you the difference between a roundabout and a jug handle. They think a "U-turn" is a turn that only the person they're speaking to can make!!! Oh I am the worst! Except at suggesting alternate routes due to inclement weather conditions, at which I am the best! Also, you have to see my star turn as the voice of "merge left" from last autumn's family road trip. I think there's still video, but of course it cuts out right in the middle. I really need to suck it up and just hire a guy. I can't believe I'm still cutting together a new reel, because I've heard some casting agents are now looking for voices to give directions to the all-you-can-eat-bars on cruises… Sorry, getting stars in my eyes again. Back to the show! 1723, 17!23!,Seventeen-TWENTY - three, that magnificent white whale of an address, lies squarely within our navigational net! Well, fine, technically Maptron's net, but I like to think of us working together - him more overtly, "as the Maps app," me offering a no-less-critical "behind the scenes support role" - the two of us forming less a digital feature and more of a "geographical repertory company," each playing off each other's strengths and weaknesses, bringing the audience a richer, more immersive… But again, my harsh mistress The Route beckons! Looking ahead I espy three more turns, some of them quite immediate. Not to get my hopes up or wish ill of my colleague, but MAPTRON, it's fine with me if you wanted to just take, like, a super-quick "diagnostic clean...

Tips for Planning the Wedding of Your Nightmares After Realizing the Wedding of Your Dreams Is Too Expensive

Wed, 20 Mar 2024 19:55:26 +0000

If you resist the wedding industrial complex and scrimp on everything for your special day, you might be able to afford a decent divorce. Combine events: Doing the bachelorette and the bridal shower on the same day makes a lot of sense actually, because both your high school friends and your grandmas have drinking problems. Nana can get down. That's what the double knee replacement was for. Customize the matching outfits: With Nana in tow, you should switch out the color-coordinated tank tops and fanny packs that say "bride tribe" in metallic letters. Not age-appropriate and she can't read it without her glasses. Go for symbols instead. The police might mistake you for some sort of weird gang and arrest everyone, but the experience will make for an Insta-worthy pic of the group. Amazing lighting in prison. Stay local: Who says the hallway of your one-bedroom apartment isn't an aisle? Your downstairs neighbor who reports you for excess noise every time you have friends over? Simply soundproof your floors by laying down mats. When you slip installing them and break both legs, you'll be in so much pain you'll forget your dream wedding was ever a thing. Ditch the florist: With your full-leg casts, you can't exactly kneel in the dirt to grow your own flowers. So steal some pipe cleaners from your future mother-in-law's kindergarten classroom for an extra colorful "bouquet." Those kids will be fine without them. Our public schools are notoriously overfunded. Expand your definition of caterer: Fancy hors d'oeuvres are overrated. Save yourself all the hoopla, and credit card debt, and just Postmates pizzas. Cheaper and honestly, more of a crowd pleaser. You'll need to un-invite the vegans, but when your future mother-in-law finds out about the stolen craft supplies, she won't want to come anyway. Embrace a mismatched bridal party: Speaking of crafts, get creative and your bridesmaids won't have to don the same stuffy overpriced ensemble. Let them wear whatever they want. Better yet, let them decorate a potato sack however they want. They'll thank you for a look they can actually rewear. The versatility of a potato sack is unmatched. Remember that fashion is subjective: For your own look, if you wear a long enough veil, it will distract from the second-hand dress you find on your neighborhood Buy Nothing Facebook group. Not because the dress is ugly, which it objectively is, but because it will give you a rash that the cheap makeup artist still in beauty school hasn't learned how to cover yet. Lean on your community: There are plenty of nice people out there willing to do a favor for a stranger without wanting anything in return. Ask a tourist with a camera to be your photographer for the day. When they end up wanting something in return because they're not one of those nice people and those people don't exist, give them a ride to the airport in rush hour. Don't worry, you'll only miss the first dance. Don't get engaged in the first place: If you can't get married at a Tuscan villa in a designer gown as the sun sets over age-old vineyards, it's probably not worth it to get married at all.

Flight 74 Is Now Boarding Passengers Who Are Better Than You

Tue, 19 Mar 2024 15:18:55 +0000

Flight 74 to Los Angeles is now boarding at gate 22. We'll start by boarding passengers traveling with small children. If you're from Alabama, this includes frozen embryos. Please make sure your child has a valid ticket and is packed in an airtight container that can stay cold for the duration of the flight. We don't want your state's attorney general coming after us. Ha ha! Pregnant passengers traveling out of state for an abortion are also welcome to board. Next we'd like to invite military personnel to board. We'll start with our active duty service members. No one? Okay, we'll move on to veterans of the four main branches. Only two people? In that case, we'll open it up to the Coast Guard, January 6 insurrectionists, and veterans of the War on Drugs, War on Women, and War on Christmas. Thank you for your service! In the spirit of equal time, we're inviting groups opposed to the military industrial complex. The Sierra Club, Democratic Socialists, Antifa. Now boarding Group A. At this time we are boarding medical professionals. Doctors, nurses, physician assistants. EMT's. People with doctoral degrees. Dr. Dre. Dr. Phil. Dr. Jill Biden. Let's get our essential workers on this plane! Firefighters, K-12 teachers, sanitation workers, come on down! Just to be fair, non-essential workers can board too. Ambulance chasers. Time share salesmen. Cashiers at self-serve Froyo shops. Get on that plane! We'd like to invite all service animals who are traveling alone today to begin boarding. Hey, look, they're lining up two by two like in the Bible! Paging janitorial staff, we need a cleanup at gate 22. A therapy tortoise just took a dump on the floor. At this time we're inviting passengers who are autistic or diagnosed on the spectrum. Whoa, a lot of people just stood up! That spectrum keeps getting wider. Please note I'm talking about the autism spectrum, not the Spectrum phone plan. Oh good, a bunch of you sat back down. Yeah, if you're making solid eye contact, we're going to ask to see your papers. Now we're inviting all passengers with an aisle seat to board the plane. It's a little game we started playing during the pandemic. Our flight attendants just love watching people climb over each other. It's a great way to break the ice, don't you think? At this time we're boarding passengers who were singled out for groping by a TSA agent. It's the least we can do after that invasive cavity search. And if you were unlucky enough to get Agent Big-fingered Bubba, we'll upgrade you to first class. Now boarding Group B. All professional Pickleball players are welcome to board. We just learned about this sport and it's such a hoot! Please have your racquet out for inspection. Huh. Well this is embarrassing. The plane is full, and groups C and D haven't boarded yet. Hang on. I'm being told the boarding pass scanner was malfunctioning and people got on without a ticket. We'll have to clear the plane and start over. Sorry folks, totally our bad!

A Look Back at VICE's Most Influential Stories

Tue, 19 Mar 2024 14:28:45 +0000

The former bad boy of American journalism VICE is at death's door. The latest round of layoffs after many rounds of layoffs included the announcement that the news website will stop producing original stories as it explores new directions. Let's take a look back at the news publication that put the "hip" in "hipster douchebag." We Listened to Every Dead Kennedys Record and Now We Understand the Middle East Conflict We Went to North Korea to Introduce The Country to Fritos We Started Using the Apple iPod Again to See If It's More Effective at Ignoring Our Loved Ones We Snuck a Batarang Through Airport Security to Test the TSA's Pop Culture Knowledge We Tested Recipes from The Anarchist's Cookbook to See Which Ones Would Make the Best Facebook Cover We Ate a Whole Yard of Snickers Bars Like a Human Vacuum Cleaner We Went to the Gaza Strip to Put Truck Nutz on the Wailing Wall We Called Our Moms to Tell Them We're Drug Dealers Right Before Going Home for Thanksgiving We Took Molly at the Zoo and Made Friends with a Panda We Flew to Bhutan for the Signing of the "Three Step Roadmap" After Getting on the Wrong Flight We Liked The Taliban on Facebook and They Won't Stop Messaging Us We Tracked Down a Nigerian Prince Email Scam and Now We Own a Timeshare in Albany We Found the Real Life Walter White and Showed Him How to Double His Marketing Potential with SEO We Went to an Orgy and Yelled "Shark!" We Followed Imagine Dragons on Tour in Full Furry Cosplay and Can't Stop Crying We Went to the First In-N-Out Burger and Put All the Soda Flavors in One Cup and Made Our Friend Drink It We Found Amelia Earhart's Plane and We're Not Telling You Where It Is We Worked an Entire Shift at Waffle House So We Could Steal All the Batter We Got Married in Vegas and Divorced the Next Day to See How Many Frequent Flyers Miles We Could Earn We Cloned Ourselves to Improve Our Degrees of Separation Away from Kevin Bacon We Tried to Make Blazing Saddles Again to Shut Up Your Uncle John We Went Into Space on a Commercial Flight to See If Getting Shot with a Shotgun Works the Same Way on Earth We Got Dental Work in Canada and Now We're Citizens We Went to the Last Blockbuster Video and Started the Opioid Crisis We Watched an Entire Season of Jimmy Fallon and Now We've Taken Hostages We Bought All the Oil in Venezuela and Traded It for the World's Rarest Beanie Baby We Investigated Jan. 6 Conspiracies and Uncovered a Bunch of OSHA Violations We Started a Magazine and Ran It Into the Ground to Prove the Fragility of America's Media Diet

Jack Skellington Opens The St. Patrick's Day Town Door

Fri, 15 Mar 2024 13:13:28 +0000

What's this? What's this? There's Guinness everywhere What's this? There's corned beef in the air. What's this? I can't believe my eyes, I must be dreaming Wake up, Jack, this isn't fair What's this? What's this? What's this? There's something so absurd What's this? There's people slurring words What's this? The streets are lined with little creatures laughing Everybody seems so happy Have I possibly gone daffy? What is this? What's this? There's children seeking rainbows instead of seeking heads They're busy picking shamrocks and absolutely no one's dead There's pubs on every corner, oh, I can't believe my eyes And in my bones I feel the warmth that's coming from inside Oh look, what's this? They're baking soda bread, the bliss! Why that looks so unique? Inspired They gather all 'round to sing a song, "Shipping up to Boston" on a lyre What's this? What's this? Look here they've got a little stream, how queer And who would ever think? And why? They're dumping powder to tint the water green They've got paramedics on scene and there's a smile on everyone So, now correct me if I'm wrong This looks like fun, this looks like fun Oh, could it be I got my wish? What's this? Oh my, what now? The boozers are passed out But look, there's someone thereabout No rules, no hitches here to seize and jail them or despair them Only little naughty teens secure inside their greenland What's this? The monsters are all missing and the pumpkins can't be found And in their place there seems to be good feeling all around Instead of screams, I swear, I hear Celtic music in the air The smell of spew and piss are absolutely everywhere The sights, the sounds They're ev'rywhere 'n all around, I've nev'r felt shhoo goood beforrr This empty space inside me, fillin' uuup I sh'mply can't get 'nuff, I wan' it, oooh, I wan' it, oooh, I wan' it fer my own I go' to know, I go' to know Wha' is this place tha' I've found? Whaa' is this!? S' Patrick's Day Town?

Forget St. Patrick, Get Drunk for Brigid

Fri, 15 Mar 2024 13:01:28 +0000

Hi. I'm St. Brigid of Kildare. Oh, you've never heard of me? What a surprise! I understand that there's recently been an International Women's Day in celebration of what was once called the fairer sex. How nice to see that the ladies are getting a portion of their due - and how enraging to see that as far as Saints' Days go, not one single blessed thing has changed. Everybody just looooves that snake-hating weirdo Patrick, don't they? Do I dare even point out that Ireland never had any snakes to begin with, because they couldn't swim across the Irish Sea? Leave it to a man to take credit for a woman's work - and in this case, that woman is Mother Nature herself. If Patrick had a genius for anything, it was branding. He managed to take the color of the entire country and make it all about him. You'd think the shamrock grew just so he could make his cutesy Holy Trinity analogy to people he didn't think could understand the concept of a tripartite God unless he explained it to them with a perennial weed. Way to condescend to your flock, Patrick, though looking at the wealth of swag and merch that winds up in the gutter every year, even I have to admit it seems to have worked. I get it. You like to drink. Patrick is your fun guy, the divorced* dad who lets you do anything you please at weekends. And you think because I am a consecrated virgin, I'm no fun? I turned water into beer, you half-wits! You want to dye your beer and your rivers green for that preening jackass, go right ahead, but turning beer into green beer looks pretty weak compared with turning regular H2O into fun juice, you ask me. Did you know that in Haitian Vodou, I'm worshipped as a death loa? I'm the consort to Baron Samedi! One of my relics is my skull! How much more metal can you even get? If you want to get hammered on a Saint Day, why not get yourself a skull-shaped shot glass and go to town, and piss off with this fey green beer bullshit? Speaking of which: Patrick's real name is Maewyn. What a weenie. So if you're really interested in honoring women, I submit that you start with getting wasted in *my* name instead. As my Saint Day falls on February 1st, this would be a terrific way to end your little Dry January experiment. As an added bonus, you'll be able to imbibe without having to cede your bar stool to every Brian, Ryan, and Sully from every racist Boston suburb who shows up in a green paper top hat and threatens to show you their pot o' gold. And that, my friends, would be a true miracle. Yours in Perpetual Fire, Brigid PS: do not even get me started on St. Columba. That guy is the worst. *not that either one of us would condone divorce, what are we, Anglicans?

Mythological Creatures Bi-Annual Pop Culture Round-Table

Thu, 14 Mar 2024 08:25:17 +0000

Twice a year, dependent upon scheduling concerns, Earth's mythological creatures meet to discuss today's hottest celebrities, trends and other bits of pop culture phenomenon. Here is a transcript of a recent get together: Dave the Unicorn: Okay, are we ready to go ahead with the minutes? Is everyone here yet? Bigfoot: Well hang on for a second. Speaking of minutes, could we take a few to talk about this sparkling glitter that seems to float around you at all times? What the hell is that? When we finish our meetings, the floor looks like 2 AM when they turn the lights on at a strip club. Lochness Monster: Ha! Dave the Unicorn: C'mon man… ugh. Okay, listen… it's psoriasis, oka?. Bigfoot: What the fuck, are you serious?? All of that shit is your psoriasis?! How could you not mention that? Dave the Unicorn: Okay, okay…. I'm sorry! It's embarrassing. I don't like to bring it up. Pixie Fairy: I just figured it was some sort of magical dust or something. I've been breathing it in for years, you asshole! Dave the Unicorn: Jesus Christ, calm down! It's not poisonous or something. It's just my dead skin flakes. Bigfoot: I'm gonna be sick… Dave the Unicorn: Can we just get started here? This is getting way off topic. Lochness: I guess the biggest talking point is Taylor Swift. Has there ever been a bigger pop icon? She was literally on the cover of every magazine a month or two ago. Bigfoot: Ugh, I feel her pain. That's a rough existence. Dave the Unicorn: What?? Are you serious? You've had your photo taken exactly one time!! Once!!! Bigfoot: Yeah, but that one photo has been reprinted, like, everywhere. It still counts. Lochness: Yup, yup… amen brother. That pic of me that's been floating around for years haunts my every step. Stay strong Taylor! Dave the Unicorn: Oh good grief. Bigfoot: You don't know what its like. You're in no position to be so flippant. Carlton the Centaur: I did that porn movie that one time. Bigfoot: That's not the same thing, Carlton. And you know it. We talk about this at, like, every meeting. Carlton: Okay, okay. Pixie Fairy: Can we please be dismissed now? This sparkly psoriasis is really beginning to choke me over here. Dave the Unicorn: C'mon guys. I'm beginning to feel like I'm being bullied. Pixie Fairy: You're not being bullied, I can't fucking breathe! Bigfoot: Okay guys, that's enough. I don't think that we're going to get much accomplished right now. Let's just call it a day. Lochness: And let's not forget to take a moment to send some good vibes out to the Golem again. It's a real mess over there right now. Dave the Unicorn: Yes, yes… excellent. And could a few of you guys stick around a grab a broom for the sparkling unicorn dust? Guys? C'mon guys!!

Caesar Ignores the Signs

Thu, 14 Mar 2024 07:13:14 +0000

INT. CAESAR'S CUBICULUM- EVENING JULIUS CAESAR is getting ready to meet with the Senate. His wife, CALPURNIA, tries to talk him out of it. CALPURNIA: Husband, please. I had a premonition - your statue drenched in blood. CAESAR: The blood of my enemies, no doubt! Thank you, that's a nice confidence-booster. CALPURNIA: But don't you remember what the soothsayer said? "Beware the Ides of March." CAESAR: Let'sjust cross that Rubicon when we come to it. When are the Ides? CALPURNIA: Today! CAESAR: And we're fine! See, nothing to worry about. Now, where did I put those laurels… CALPURNIA: Have you read the letterArtemidorus wrote you? CAESAR: Ugh, Artemidorus.The "diviner." We'll see who's diviner. You know I'm a descendant of Venus, right? CALPURNIA: Yes, you've mentioned that many times. CAESAR: Good. So what's in this letter? CALPURNIA: He says to beware Brutus, come not near Casca, trust not Trebonius, and mark well Metellus CAESAR: Boy, that's a lot of alliteration.A little flowery for my tastes. But, in the spirit of democracy, what'sold Artie say about Cinna? CALPURNIA: "Have an eye to Cinna." CAESAR: I'm no Catullus, but if you're going to run with the alliteration, at least be consistent. CALPURNIA: Husband, focus. CAESAR: What's our fireplace got to do with this? Anyway,the Senate adores me.Brutus and I have this special handshake - he's always like, "Et tu, Caesar!" And I'm like, "Et tu, Brute!" It's cute. CALPURNIA: Didn't you lie with Brutus's mother? CAESAR: I fail to see how that's relevant. CALPURNIA: Then why this morning did I overhear Brutus asking Casca how one might remove blood stains from one's toga? CAESAR: We get blood on our togas all the time! Do you know how many sheep I've sacrificed this week? I don't even know who I'm sacrificing them to. I just don't want to offend some minor deity who then burns my toast for the rest of my life. CALPURNIA: Brutus specified that it would be human blood. CAESAR: My guess? Requiescat in pace, Artemidorus. Guy's got a spottier track record than that meteorologist who forecasts the weather by rummaging through bull innards. CALPURNIA: I also saw several senators gleefully sharpening their daggers. One made a throat-cutting gesture and winked at me. CAESAR: What? Which one? CALPURNIA: Trebonius. CAESAR: Well, trust not Trebonius. Now, when you say "several" CALPURNIA: Sixty. CAESAR: Sixty? CALPURNIA: Much of the Senate plots against you. CAESAR: Why would anyone want to kill their boss? CALPURNIA: … CAESAR: Sixty guys, wow. They must be planning something big - a surprise deification ceremony!(laughs) Boy, that is really going to stick in Artemidorus's craw. CALPURNIA:I worry more about daggers sticking in your back. CAESAR:Even if you're right, how bad could it be? You stab a person four, five times, tops. He's dead, we get it. CALPURNIA: Husband, I beg you CAESAR: Look, Cal. I know it's the Ides, and the soothsayer soothsaid some things, and you had a scary dream, and Artemidorus warned me about a scheme, and the fellas were sharpening their blades and making menacing gestures, and pretty much everything that's happened this past month portends a grisly end for your beloved Julius… CALPURNIA:Why do I foresee a "but"? CAESAR: …but I've got a really great feeling about this meeting. I think it's going to be rather momentous. Historic, even. CURTAIN.

Some Totally Normal Thoughts I Had After Getting Pooped on by a Bird

Wed, 13 Mar 2024 06:24:45 +0000

Just a little poop on my jacket, it'll wash right off. These things happen. It's fine, it's fine, it's totally fine. But why is it so wet? Is it a poop or a pee? Or a combo… Anyway, it's good luck. I think. Do people say that? Did I hear that somewhere? I could use a bit of luck. But what do I need luck for? Is it something specific? Does this bird know something I don't know?? Oh God, it's also in my hair! Is this how people get the avian flu? Am I patient zero of a new pandemic?? Must go to the hospital ASAP. Should I get one of those bubble suits? Wonder if Amazon sells them. It's probably fine though. It's just a little poop. It's fine, it's fine, it's totally fine. Though that bird looked familiar. Pretty sure I scared it when it was trying to snatch a bagel off the sidewalk. It might be revenge. People were walking behind me and in front of me, and yet it chose to poop on me. Why me? I am not even wearing bright colors. Are birds color-blind? No, that's dogs I think. Yup, this has "vendetta" written all over it. I've been marked. The splatter looks like a Rorschach pattern. Have I seen this shape before? The bird is trying to tell me something. Or maybe it's working through its parents' divorce. Either way, it can't be good. Divorce happens all the time. Probably more frequently than marriage these days. Wait, is that statistically possible? The pattern looks angry, kinda like a threat to kidnap a loved one. I should probably not wash off the poop in case someone can decipher the message. Where can I find one of those Bletchley Park code-breaking people? If I don't wash it off though, it will undoubtedly ruin this coat. Do I even like this coat? I've been thinking lately that it doesn't look great on me. Maybe the bird did me a favor, like bird fashion police, pooping on jackets that are out of style. I'll donate this jacket. But then the cycle will continue on someone else. I can't be part of proliferating the pooping, it's unconscionable. Where did I land with going to the hospital? Might as well go. For the sake of humanity. Maybe I'll get a medal. Posthumously, of course. Since it's obviously too late for me. I still have to decide what to do with this coat… What did I just step in? Dog poop?? Just a little poop on my boots, it'll wash right off. These things happen. It's fine, it's fine, it's totally fine. Is dog poop bad luck? Does it negate the good luck from bird poop?? Will ask at the hospital. Wonder if I should get rid of these boots…

I'm Your Middle-Grade School's Substitute Librarian Today. Call Me Reacher.

Tue, 12 Mar 2024 06:12:06 +0000

Come in. Sit down. No, not in the front row. I don't like people getting too close. My name is Reacher. Not Mr. Reacher. Just Reacher. Now look around. You're in a library, and words literally surround you. Words like payback. Justice. Vengeance. Those are words I live by every day. You, don't tilt back in that chair. I can see you haven't been trained to execute that maneuver without injury - and right on cue, we've got a man down. Kid, you dropped faster than your reading scores on the last state test. But it's just blood, so stop howling. You don't need stitches. There's some Superglue right here. The rest of you can start your literary research projects in a moment. But first, are there any questions? Okay, go ahead. Yes, I was in the military. No, I don't have any war stories. All you need to know about me is that the Dewey Decimal System is my bayonet. And books are my garrote. If you don't know what that word means, look it up in your Funk & Wagnalls. And I meant questions about your topic. None? Then it's my turn. You in the back, excellent seating choice. Tell me the literary topic you're working on. Mark Twain? Okay, that's Samuel Clemens' pseudonym. You can learn a lot about a person by their pseudonym. As a young man, Samuel Clemens worked on steamboats. Sailors like him had to be vigilant about the water's depth. So crew members would regularly check it and shout "Mark twain!" if the water was 12 feet deep or more. Can you guess why 12 was an important number? That's correct. If the water was any shallower, the steamboat would run aground. Maybe it hits a rock and sinks. Steam engines explode. People drown. The point is, details matter. And assumptions kill. Like the assumption that you have that literary research is stupid. I know you're all thinking it. But let me tell you something. In the real world, the most lethal weapons of all are the right books. And today is your lucky day, because I know just where to find them. The books, I mean. My reference there may have been unclear. So think of your literary research as a self-defense project. Do it right, and you're going to be a more dangerous person by the time you finish. Get started. And remember: have fun.

Rockstars' Flirtations *

Tue, 12 Mar 2024 05:27:03 +0000

Been so long since a strange woman has slept in my bed. Bob Dylan [Drunk. Slurring words.] Baby, you need cooling. I'm not fooling. Going to send you back to schooling… Way down inside. Honey, you need it. Gonna give you every inch of my love. A whole lotta love. [All 4 inches.] Robert Plant (Led Zeppelin) You want to step into my world? It's a socio-psychotic state of bliss. Axl Rose (Guns N' Roses) You are the sun, I am the moon. You are the words, I am the tune. Play me. Neil Diamond You fill up my senses like a night in the forest. Like the mountains in springtime. Like a walk in the rain. Come: let me love you. John Denver If you start me up, I'll never stop. Mick Jagger (Rolling Stones) I eat more chicken than any man ever seen. Yeah. Yeah. Jim Morrison (The Doors) Are you human. Or are you dancer? Brandon Flowers (The Killers) I would do anything for love. But I won't do that. Do what? Stick around, and maybe you'll find out. Meat Loaf Do you believe in life after love? I can feel something inside me say I really don't think you're strong enough. Cher One pill makes you larger. Grace Slick (Jefferson Airplane) Oh, my lifestyle determines my death style. (Birth is pain.) A rising tide that pushes to the other side. (Life is pain.) My lifestyle determines my death style. (Death is pain.) A rising tide that pushes to the other side. (It's all the same.) James Hetfield (Metallica) If I waggle my ass like a dark prostitute, would you think less of me? Lou Reed (The Velvet Underground) I feel drunk, but I'm sober. Alanis Morissette I know I've got a screw loose. Just meet me in the bedroom. Courtney Love Well, I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body. George Michael So, err, are you experienced? Have you ever been experienced? Well, I have. Let me prove it to you. Jimi Hendrix Some people call me the space cowboy. Yeah. Some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice. Steve Miller (Steve Miller Band) [Very drunk] Abracadabra! I wannna reach out and grab ya. Steve Miller I feel so good if I just say the word 'Sus-Sussudio.' Just say the word, oh, 'Sus-Sussudio.' Phil Collins (Genesis) I ain't the worst that you've seen. Oh, can't you see what I mean? Ah, you might as well jump. David Lee Roth (Van Halen) And I'm back with the beaver hats and Ben Davis slacks. Thirty pack of Stroh's. No Rogaine in the propane flows. Kid Rock I wanna wrap you in rubber as pink as the sheets that we lay on. Steven Tyler (Aerosmith) I can be your hero, baby. I can kiss away the pain. Enrique Iglesias [Extremely drunk] Yeah, I'm a back door man. Whoa, baby, a back door man. The men don't know. But the little girls understand. Jim Morrison [Blackout drunk] In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby. Don't you know that I'm loving you? Doug Ingle (Iron Butterfly) I close my eyes… only for a moment… and the moment's gone. All my dreams pass before my eyes… a curiosity. Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind. Steve Walsh (Kansas) Note: Yes, these are their actual lyrics. That's, umm, kinda the point.

I'm Katie Britt's Kitchen Table, and Let Me Tell You - This Bitch Is Crazy

Fri, 08 Mar 2024 20:23:48 +0000

Well, well, well, it seems I've finally gotten my 17ish minutes of fame, hovering juuuust at the bottom of the frame while ol' Mama Bear vocal-fried up a hot platter of American Carnage Lite for the public. And let me tell you, as the surface upon which Katie has served that dinner she worries about at 2am for longer than I like to admit: what you all saw tonight is just the tip of the straitjacket. First of all, I guess kudos to her - despite her opposition to the rights of LGBTQ kids, she managed to name her children genuinely gender-neutral, if utterly batshit names. But seriously, Bennett is one thing, but Ridgeway?? Trust me, I've heard her and Wesley audition every possible combination of syllables trying to come up with a nickname for that, and they just can't do it. Some suburban developers name streets after their kids; these people named their kid after a bland suburban development. Go figure. Do you know that the bowl of fruit behind her is actually enormous pieces of marzipan? She has it made special from some outfit in Switzerland. She's also super into Jordan almonds. Yuck. Oh, if only you could have been around when she was rehearsing this Movie of the Week self-tape - I've never heard a man twist himself into as many pretzels as Wesley trying to get his wife to "tone it down, like, just a little tiny tick, babe." You thought that death-whisper was unsettling coming at you from your TV - imagine it being delivered directly into your ear by a woman who is "uninterested in diluting the sacred message, Wesley." Whooof, nobody needed ice in their water that night, buddy. How much time do you think a middle-age mom spends talking about the blood of her enemies? The answer is so, so much more time than you want it to be. I mean, I get that you want your family to be enthusiastic about your hobbies, but talking about eviscerating other elected officials while Bennett and Ridgeway (!!!!) are eating supper is just plain gross. And let's just say that weird pervy grin she got on her face on camera from time to time is basically her "a mountain of my enemies, burned" face. That woman's love language is Biblical violence. And listen, I probably shouldn't tell you this, but that apocalypse Betty Boop voice she was doing? She's into some sick shit, man - she had Wes down there messing around with her the whole time she was talking, just so she could prove how in control of herself she is. Which, lady, everyone heard the evidence, and: not very! Honestly, are you shooting the SOTU rebuttal or soft-core? As one of the migrants you hate so much might say: porque no los dos? Look, I just want to say that as a kitchen table, I truly hope my brothers and sisters in service in homes around this great country aren't subjected to half of the weird, nutso, and just plain icky things I hear on a daily basis. The country's furniture - and its families - deserve better. Bless your heart, Katie, you sick fuck.

We Are Women Fetuses, and We Are Pro-Choice

Fri, 08 Mar 2024 16:29:51 +0000

"More than a third of states say fetuses are people." ~Politico, February 29, 2024 As a unified coalition of unborn women who possess all the rights of legal personhood, we stand together to advocate for the reproductive freedom of our already-born sisters, whose legal rights are not as protected as our own. You may ask, "Wait a minute, do you realize that taking a pro-choice stance means you're literally about to sacrifice yourselves?" Yes, we do. Women have always been expected to sacrifice ourselves. Does it really matter if we sacrifice ourselves now, as fetuses, or wait until we are ten-year-old rape victims forced to carry children, or impoverished single mothers, or women whose own lives are endangered by remaining pregnant? What's the difference whether we meet our demise in utero right now, or 35 years from now when we show up at the ER with heart attack symptoms that will be diagnosed as "cramps," or brain tumor symptoms that will be diagnosed as "depression," or life-threatening ectopic pregnancies that no doctor is allowed to treat? We can sacrifice our unborn selves upon the altar of feminist progress, or we can get born and wait until we have a better shot at becoming domestic violence statistics. So many options. We tried liaising with the male fetuses to defend reproductive freedom, and at first they were all like "rah rah bodily autonomy" until they figured out that they have skin in this game, literally. Or, if not skin yet, then at least a beating heart 18 days from conception and the ability to smile 12 days from conception. [In reality, at this stage of development, we are actually still in the "germinal" stage of "blastocyst," which apparently has not prevented us from developing a more accurate grasp of biological science than most members of the GOP.] When we asked the male fetuses to help us write letters to our legislators, they had "like, a lot on our plates right now, but we're still totally supportive of you, and like, you know, let us know what happens. We love ya, babes!" When we got pissed about how dismissive they were being and tried to explain the difference between "being supportive of us" and "engaging in emotional and actual labor," they got all bristly and asked if it was "our time of the trimester." They'll do anything to get out of work. When we asked them to repost an announcement for a Planned Parenthood campaign, Braden dramatically exclaimed, "Oh no, oh God, I'm having Sudden Infant Death Syndrome!" and Jackson curled up and played stillborn. The rest of them just started crying. Apparently weaponized male incompetence starts in the womb. Final attempts at conversation stalled at mutterings about "boobies." Those Oedipal little fuckers can't wait to get out of the womb and start draining the system. We're not even born yet, and we're already exhausted. Even attempting to fight this battle has intensified our resolve to remain pro-choice, even if it does require self-sacrifice. Self-sacrifice, in 2024, feels oddly empowering. At least it would be our own choice.

MAGAts- Your Guide To Trump Loving Right Wing Extremists

Fri, 08 Mar 2024 01:28:18 +0000

Orville N. Seste Eyes so close to one another that from a distance he appears to be a cyclops; doesn't like this comparison, mostly because any sort of creature from an imaginary land has to be "gay". Happy that trolls such as he can now feel free to crawl out from beneath their respective bridges, even though they now seem determined to burn said bridges down. Believes that Trump is his best bet at having rape legalized in the US at some point in the near future. Has a penis so tiny that it doesn't even go all the way through to the other side of the glory hole. And he's tried. A lot. Caramel Cornhole Lead singer of Kid Rock tribute band, Salmonella Fitzgerald. Tries to make time to attend most Trump rallies, mostly for the feelings of community and shared hatred of anyone who is even slightly different from him. Plus the occasional porta potty dalliance. Very against gender pronouns, but at the same time has to admit that it's sometimes difficult to tell the men from the women at these Trump rallies. Tessie Tickles Host of the right wing podcast Tessie Gets Messy, which is less a talk show than a series of racist and /or homophobic diatribes. So kind of like FOX News if it were broadcast from the poorly lit back porch of a lime green trailer. Not at all concerned about abortion / female reproductive rights and related healthcare issues, as she never realizes that she's pregnant until she's in the middle of having the baby anyway. Has heard the theories that right wing conservatism has gone down a much more intolerant, racist, hateful path, and is perfectly comfortable with that. Has a tattoo of a Care Bear giving the Nazi salute. Eve Summers Was at the capital on Jan 6th, but only entered the building to try and get exact change for a persnickety vending machine. She did end up making a bowel movement on a senator's office floor, but only because the restroom down the hall was closed for maintenance and the taco truck outside was clearly poorly ventilated. Upon returning to her small town of Moist Refuse, Kentucky, she quickly noticed that all of the drinks at her local watering holes were on the house, so she decided to just go with it for the time being. She does dislike immigrants, though, so that should count for something. Burl Burleson Mostly attends the Trump rallies due to the fact that vendors there are the only ones who carry the XXXXXXXXXXXXX-LLL Trump t-shirts that he prefers. Enjoys these rallies more than the KKK rallies he once attended on a regular basis, due to the diversity in the types of things / people to hate. Very much wanted to participate in the events of Jan 6th, but wasn't able to find scooter access into the capital building. So committed to the right wing lifestyle that he sold his Trans-AM once all of the gender confusion controversy became a big political sticking point.

A Resume and Cover Letter for a Seat Filler at the Oscars

Thu, 07 Mar 2024 21:43:29 +0000

Thomas Tush 6969 Cheeks Drive Basement Unit Los Angeles, CA tomtushsits@gmail.com 555-888-BUTT Education: University of Phoenix Online 2010 - 2014 Bachelor of Science in Sitting, with a concentration in Seat Filling Minor in Standing for Standing Ovations Skills: Quick to sit and stand when occasion arises Experience in laughing when a joke is told during an opening monologue Excels in tearing up when a winner thanks their family for all of their love and support Trained to appear like they could be a celebrity without upstaging actual celebrities Ability to sit for long hours without buttocks falling asleep Proficient in Word Work Experience: Sitting (Freelance) Los Angeles, CA 1990 - Present Sits on couch watching TV for hours at a time with no and/or limited bathroom breaks Laughs, cries, and smiles at the appropriate times Demonstrates adaptability and sense of fashion by wearing dad's old wedding tuxedo while watching Family Guy Sitting Intern (Unpaid) at La-Z-Boy Los Angeles, CA Jun 2021 - Aug 2021 Studied art of posture while seated in various couches, recliners, and love seats Recorded over 1,000 creases in couches Mastered social awareness of giving up seat for attractive people once they're ready to sit down again after using the restroom Study Abroad Student at The Thinker statue Paris, France Sep 2021 - May 2022 Shadowed art piece several hours a day Perfected facial expression of feigned introspection Researched correlation between degrees of slouching and likelihood to be shown on live television References: Mandy Sherman, ex-wife: Oversaw watching TV and not helping around the house (was the reason she divorced me) Jim Havens, La-Z-Boy Assistant Manager: Trained me during my time as a Sitting Intern and also gave me advice about girls The Thinker statue: Mentored me as a Sitting Research Fellow and instructed me on the process of using hands to convey emotion while sitting Cover Letter: To the Academy Awards Team: My name is Tom Tush, and I am writing to express my deep interest in applying to the Seat Filler role at the 96th Academy Awards. I found your posting for the position on Indeed. When I came upon the role of Seat Filler at your company, I was immediately intrigued. Ever since I was a child, I knew that Seat Filling was what I wanted to do with my life. Growing up, every chance I got to sit, I did. Before I could even walk, I was sitting. By age 9, I had set my sights on making sitting a career for myself. However, it wasn't until my second semester studying at the University of Phoenix Online when I was first introduced to your organization. My Theory of Sitting and Being Engaged With People 1102 professor, Dr. Stan Butler, had raved about his time as a Seat Filler at the 82nd and 83rd Academy Awards. Hearing about his time sitting, standing, and clapping amongst the most sexy people in the country invigorated me to work hard and apply myself in my studies. In the Sitting Industry, I'm considered one of the most prominent thought leaders. I've personally led the movement to remove the stigma for men sitting while they pee. It's not a sign of weakness to sit, but a prioritization of personal comfort and making sure you have a seat at the table, especially in the emergency situation that Bradley Cooper needs to go potty. I know there's a really big legacy to uphold here and that I have big shoes and seats to fill. It's not lost on me the history of the practice and that I really stand, no, sit on the shoulders of the giants who led the way. I hope to hear from you soon because I promise my expertise will blow you right off your feet back to sitting down. Sincerely, Tom Tush

Why Nikki Haley Is Only "Suspending" Her Campaign for President

Thu, 07 Mar 2024 00:06:11 +0000

While it's quite clear that barring a drastic change, Niki Haley will not be the Republican party's nominee for president in 2024. She still holds out some hope. She did win Vermont. It's clear a lot of Republican voters want an alternative to Trump. It's currently clear it's "not her". But if nobody else shows up that could always change. Right? She's got some free time from now until November anyhow. She's hoping to be VP for a third party candidate. "Cheney and Haley we're NOT old farts and we're actually Republicans." Hey, Trump is pretty old and has a lousy diet so you never know… There's always a chance Trump could be struck by lightning. The odds are 1 in 15,300 but still way better than her winning the nomination. There's always a possibility Trump could get hit by a meteor. The odds are 1 in 840,000,000 which is still better than her odds of winning the nomination. Netflix might bribe Trump to drop out of the race with a reality show that pays way better than being president. Even if he goes to jail they could still do the show and call it "Orange guy is the new inmate." She is auditioning for a spot on "The View". She has 91 less criminal charges than Trump does. If by some miracle one of them actually lands him in jail she might then become the front runner.

Here Are The Oscar Favorites. No, Not Those - Our Favorite People Named Oscar

Tue, 05 Mar 2024 21:05:05 +0000

Now that the other Oscars have gotten their boring nominee announcement out of the way, the world can focus on the contenders vying for true Oscar-worthiness! Impress everyone at your Favorite Oscar party with your knowledge of the nominees! Oscar the Grouch Beloved by millions despite living in a trash can. The "poor man's Elmo," according to Elmo. Oscar Madison The messy one in The Odd Couple. Convinced us being a slob was fun, really pissing off our significant others. Oscar Isaac Did a funky dance in Ex Machina. Lesser credits include graduating from Juilliard and appearing in some Star Wars movies. Oscar Wilde Novelist, playwright, poet. Self-proclaimed genius. Famous quote: "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." For some reason, we take this personally. Oscar Robertson Twelve-time NBA All-Star. Cool nickname: "The Big O," which played well with the ladies. First player to average a "triple-double" for a full season (this refers to averaging at least ten points, rebounds, and assists per game. Or maybe it also has something to do with the ladies?). Oscar de la Renta World famous fashion designer, but did not win a single professional fight. Oscar de la Hoya World famous boxer, but did not design a single professional dress. Oscar Mayer Founder of the meat company whose sixty year old jingle you still probably know. Oscar Hammerstein Half of the famous playwriting duo Rodgers and Hammerstein (he was the Hammerstein half). Somehow tolerated two decades in this partnership despite Rodgers being a non-Oscar (Rodgers was a Richard. Hammerstein really must have wanted to bust his balls for that embarrassment, but Oscar's middle names were Greeley and Clendenning, so he probably steered clear of name dragging). PROJECTED WINNER… Oscar Mayer! This by virtue of being the only nominee to own a wiener-shaped car. (Before you fire off your angry rebuttals, Oscar Wilde merely leased one for six months in 1894). Check your local listings for The Oscar Awards Which Are A Completely Different Event Than The Academy Awards. You'll find it some weeknight at 2:30 a.m., when you can't sleep, on the TV Guide Channel.

This New York City Apartment Is Perfect. The Only Drawback Is the Coat Closet That's a Direct Portal to the Ninth Circle of Hell

Tue, 05 Mar 2024 20:44:28 +0000

Located on a tree-lined street in the heart of Park Slope, this gorgeous 1 bed, 1 bath, apartment features an original fireplace, wood floors throughout, brand new appliances, and close proximity to some of the city's best schools. It's steps away from dozens of restaurants and cultural hubs. The only tiny, very minor inconvenience is the coat closet. The coat closet is a direct portal to the ninth circle of hell. At just $4,500 per month, this unit is sure to be snatched up quickly. The open-concept floor plan flows straight from the airy kitchen, featuring granite countertops and a quaint breakfast bar, to the living room, where floor-to-ceiling windows bathe the space in the golden afternoon light of one of the city's most sought-after neighborhoods. Grab a steaming cup of coffee, and watch the world go by from your bay window, as the soft jazzy tones of the damned emanate from your coat closet. We waived the broker's fee so you can invest in a good pair of noise-canceling headphones. As we move from the living space to the bedroom, the apartment takes on a more intimate, personalized feel. The warm oak floors bring warmth to the space, even in the coldest of New York City winters. It features a walk-in closet that is not a direct portal to the ninth circle of hell, but still provides ample room for all your sweaters and shoes. Unfortunately, you can still hear the moaning of the damned even when you close the door to the walk-in, accidentally locking yourself in, and have to call your business partner and estranged husband to let you out. But it was a blessing in disguise because that is the day I met Tom. Tom is a spirit with bat wings and a tail, condemned to a cell that just so happens to be 12-stories directly below this Park Slope apartment's coat closet. Tom is eternally on fire. He is also the love of my life. Brokers are not supposed to insert themselves into StreetEasy listings, but I feel strongly that my story must be told. The night I locked myself in the walk-in closet and had to call my estranged husband to let me out, I heard Tom's melodic bloodcurdling scream for the first time. I was enchanted. It was like Beethoven's 5th Symphony, if Beethoven's 5th Symphony was performed by an orchestra of screaming bats being dragged across a bed of nails. When my ugly husband came to pick me up, we had loveless sex in the master bedroom. My terrible husband was pleased when he heard me moan, but it was actually Tom moaning because he hasn't had a drop of water since 1564. My husband keeps asking where I am during the day, since I now spend up to 16 hours with my ear pressed against the floor of the Park Slope apartment's coat closet, communicating with Tom through vibrations and Emily Dickinson poetry. I read online that demons sometimes latch onto the first breathing woman who finds them, using them as their ticket to the land of the living and maybe a hot meal. But to be fair, men who claim to be alive also do this. Like my disgusting, sad excuse of a husband, who can't even rent a below market-rate one-bedroom with crown molding in Soho. If he can't even do that, how is he going to give me one lousy orgasm? Counting his tail, Tom is 6 foot 4. Includes in-unit washer and dryer. This apartment is no longer on the market.

GOPlayer One Go!

Fri, 01 Mar 2024 15:43:59 +0000

News reports covering last weekend's CPAC convention revealed, among other abhorrent details, that a January 6th pinball machine was on display (I guess they didn't have time to pull together a 9/11 Jenga set-up?). So this got us to thinking…. what other video games must the far right enjoy? Planned Parenthood Theft Auto You're on the move, on the go… racing against the clock to find a Planned Parenthood location that hasn't either been closed or completely stripped of their ability to provide comprehensive reproductive healthcare for women. Your pulse-pounding journey could take you to some dark, shadowy corners of the city… and maybe even to a different state! On the way, you'll need to face down not only government representatives that don't have your best interests at heart, but also other women who want to deny your rights as well! Seriously, what the fuck?? Meincraft Playing as Donald Trump (yeah, you wish!!), its your job (well, not your job really, since he never has won the popular vote) to chip away at democracy and attempt to implement a fascist viewpoint to the more easily duped citizens of America. Using Trump's admiration of dictators in general and Hitler in particular, you'll need every rambling, incoherent, racist rant in your arsenal to keep your followers dazed and confused enough to vote for you in November. Seemingly a complicated and intricate bit of strategic gameplay, but actually can be played by Trump, or someone who is stupid enough to vote for Trump! ForgeNite Oh no, you've lost the election! But don't worry, you can simply cobble together a group of bumbling underlings to forge fake elector votes in order to overturn the election, and take one more step to killing democracy once and for all. And that's just the first level, wait until you get a look at the apocalyptic wastelands you get to do battle on during the levels following democracy's dismantling! Are those zombies, or just meth addicted trailer park trash clad in ill fitting Trump Is God t-shirts ambling over to you? Super Smashed Brother Here you're playing as Eric Trump, experiencing major concerns about your brother's seemingly rampant cocaine use. Can you do anything to keep him from stuffing his nostrils with powder and then posting wildly hyper and nonsensical rants online? And even if you manage to do the damage control, will it help or hinder your dad's presidential chances? And don't you have your own problems to deal with anyway? World Of WarCrimes It's not easy to be a Conservative these days. At every turn there seems to be someone or something determined to shake the foundation of your beliefs with facts, the truth, or science. And now you're being asked to side with Russia in their bloody and barbaric invasion of Ukraine! Can you do it?? It's going to take every ounce of your strength and ability to defiantly ignore reality. Easily the most challenging game on this list, but don't worry, it gets easier the more you play. Tuckken You're Tucker Carlson, being tested against an increasing number of diabolical foes. Whether it's your own conscience, sense of right vs. wrong, or the sneering contempt of actual news reporters, you'll be tested time and time again. Until you achieve your ultimate goal and succeed against the game to claim your most coveted prize: the opportunity to dress up as George Washington and get on your knees to give Putin the best blow job of his life. CPAC-Man You're CPAC-Man, darting around the maze-like corridors of CPAC, gobbling up donor funds and seedy political favors while also trying to avoid Nazis who have made themselves cozy at the convention. Keep an eye out for those guys, they're sneaky; before you know it photos of you standing right next to a Nazi salute could be a trending story on MSNBC, which could end your game! Ah, who're we kidding? No one on the conservative side will care about that kind of thing anyway. This game has endless lives.

Tips for Eating Out

Thu, 29 Feb 2024 18:22:35 +0000

Choosing Where To Eat DO read reviews of restaurants from a variety of sources DON'T dine anywhere frequently mentioned in local obituaries DO know your budget and plan your dining accordingly DON'T assume any meal can be exchanged for a rare Pokemon card DO be open to trying new foods and ethnic dishes DON'T be open to eating head cheese. Just don't do it. Ever DO consider a restaurant for its style and ambiance DON'T consider a restaurant entirely for its employee to cleavage ratio DO consider a place with musical entertainment as a fun alternative DON'T believe that monster truck rallies ever constitute dinner theater DO try to dine at a local, family-owned establishment DON'T dine at a restaurant where mafia guys have been known to "disappear" Making Healthy Choices DO order your salad dressing on the side DON'T order your salad dressing in a bowl with a straw DO choose your meal from the menu instead of the all-you-can-eat buffet DON'T choose to seat yourself at the all-you-can-eat buffet DO order water or unsweetened tea instead of soda DON'T ask for extra butter to be added to any beverage DO take advantage of the selection at the salad bar DON'T misinterpret a salad bar as an open invitation to dine with Mr. Sniffle, your pet rabbit DO politely decline when the dessert tray is wheeled over DON'T appropriate the dessert tray as your personal go-cart Basic Dining Etiquette DO call ahead and ask if the restaurant requires a jacket DON'T call ahead and ask if the restaurant requires pants. Just assume they do DO make reservations and show up on time DON'T make reservations under Mike Rotch or Ben Dover, then show up to giggle DO unfold the napkin and place it in your lap DON'T unfold the napkin, cut out eye holes and wear it while robbing the restaurant DO use the appropriate utensils (i.e. salad fork, soup spoon, etc.) DON'T use spoons as tiny catapults to launch an assault against nearby tables DO be fair when tipping your server DON'T misread the 12% gratuity as a 12-cent gratuity DO send along your compliments to the chef for a lovely meal DON'T ask if the chef will allow you to violate the restraining order just this once

Children's Programming For Drugged Out Parents

Thu, 29 Feb 2024 17:53:08 +0000

Sponge Bong Square Pants Pot Patrol Mister Roll Joints Neighborhood The Flintstoned Sesame Tweak CocainMelon Tokemon Trippie Magic School Dust Animethiacs Your Crackhead's Castle Crack and the Pirates Popper Pig High School Mushroom-Cool Blue Meth's Clues My Little Drony: This Sh*t is Magic Cheech-glazed Mollied Methed Out Tokers Peyote Peterson Speed Racer Barney the Purple Haze Dinosaur

Soaring Surge Pricing That We Don't Want to See

Thu, 29 Feb 2024 00:40:47 +0000

Wendy's is facing pushback after suggesting it would roll out "dynamic pricing", where the price of a burger would increase during peak hours. We hope this never happens, as it might lead to a horrible trend in surge pricing elsewhere. The bathrooms at Taco Bell whenever someone orders the Beefy Five-Layer Burrito and a large Mountain Dew Baja Blast Freeze. When you hit the last few pages of that best-selling mystery that you've downloaded to your Kindle. Duolingo detecting you've walked into a dive bar in Caracas, Venezuela and are desperately trying to talk your way out of a silly misunderstanding with a local gang. An additional charge when using the lost-and-found, based on the sentimental value of the item you are retrieving. Every time MSNBC cuts to Steve Kornacki at the Big Board to highlight the latest results during its election night coverage. A Powerball ticket will still only cost you $2 to play, but it will cost you an extra $20 to find out which numbers won. Abortions performed in Idaho, Texas, Arkansas, Montana, and Tennessee after the fifth week. Every porn site in December right after No Nut November.

Other Oxymoronic Wellness Regimens to Add to Your 'Power Nap'

Tue, 27 Feb 2024 22:44:09 +0000

You may have heard of the benefits of the 'Power Nap' from that fitness podcast for pro athletes that you religiously listen to on the commute to your sedative marketing job. If so, you know that any daytime snooze longer than 20 minutes is a recipe for unwanted grogginess, not to mention a sign of depression or some weak shit like that. Naps used to be about resting, but now they're about maximizing alertness and productivity. Wake up. If you're serious about longevity, a word you learned how to spell three weeks ago (but still looks wrong whenever you type it), you're ready to take wellness to the next level with these hardened self-care routines: Cold Bath Hate to break it to you, but relaxing bubble baths pose no health benefits whatsoever. Unless you're trying to save your failing marriage by spicing it up in a DoubleTree honeymoon suite jacuzzi for your anniversary weekend, there's really no reason to sit in warm water ever again. Maximum wellness can only be achieved by bringing yourself to the edge of your pain threshold, arriving at the fear of potential hypothermic shock, and then pushing that thought down for ideally three minutes. However, if you happen to overhear your coworker bragging about his plunge record of six minutes, you'll have to outlast him in your next session or else you're a little snowflake. (In which case, you technically should have no problem wading in your natural below-freezing habitat, should you?) Beer Yoga Nothing wrong with a little hair of the downward dog. You risk getting too woo-woo at these spiritual thingies unless you bring a couple cold Bud Lights to bring you back down to your Midwestern roots. Plus, the booze will deffo give you the extra confidence boost to hit that headstand at the end of class while all the other losers are laying down for that dumb sleeping part. If you can't find a Beer Yoga class listed in your area, you can always bring a forty in a brownbag to the free park yoga class nearest you. I don't see why everyone wouldn't be chill with that. Gorge Diet You've heard of Paleo, Keto, Atkins, you name it… you've even talked to a Vegan at a party once, though it was difficult to get a word in. But have you heard the latest and greatest in nutrition research? The only effective way to eat is to stuff your face-hole with as much food as you can get your greasy mitts on - any kind of food, any number of calories, it doesn't matter, stupid. You're stuck thinking about the what, when it's all about the when. Welcome to the future, bitch. Go ahead and gluttonously gorge yourself, like seriously corrupt your lil' innards with caloric surplus to the point of self-hatred, but only from the hours of 12 p.m. to 6 p.m. Do not even so much as think about food outside of this window. You won't be able to accept any brunch or dinner invites, arguably the two most social meals, but what you lose in friendships you'll gain in gains. Gains. Just wanted to say it a third time. More is more. More. Molt Moisturizing Calming creams are out, peptide serums that sting your face immediately upon contact with the skin are in. Dermatology experts like my friend Zak whose ex-wife actually did Chappell Roan's makeup once for this livestream thing before she was a big deal believe that in order to hydrate the skin, you first have to dry it out completely until it all falls off your face, which might actually make too much sense if you think about it. Corrections to the most stubborn impurities can only happen at the deepest layer of the epidermis, which is why this breakthrough moisturizing method makes you molt like the anaconda you've got caged up downstairs until everybody can see what's underneath: your dermis. Breath Work You thought breathing was involuntary? Not if you do it the hard way, pussy. Set aside at least fifty minutes a day to sit alone and violently pant in and out of your mouth. Fill up your lungs to their capacity and then sharply inhale even further past that point until yo...

At Netflix, We're Taking Product Placement to the Next Level with New Film's All-Beverage Cast

Tue, 27 Feb 2024 22:13:56 +0000

In Leave the World Behind, you loved hearing Julia Roberts declare out of nowhere, "There's a Starbucks!" followed by a close-up shot of the iconic cup logo. In Nyad, you cheered as Jodie Foster held untold numbers of Diet Coke cans (always facing the wrong direction for actual drinkability but the right way for optimal camera visibility of the emblem). Now, get ready to experience product placement like never before as our new original movie, The Last Sip, stars only name-brand drinks. Subscription price increases only bring in so much. The more screen time we give products, the more we earn. That's why our brilliant board of directors decided to finally cut out the middle man (i.e. human actors) and showcase the real talent. Gaining more liquid from liquids, if you will. The Last Sip, described as a psychological thriller action arthouse horror fantasy romantic dramedy character study, will feature an ensemble cast of well-known industry veterans as well as fresh-faced talent eager to make their Hollywood debuts. Here's a taste of the star-studded lineup: Gatorade: Heroic, generically attractive lead with questionable taste in music Smartwater: Athletic and emotionally vulnerable love interest Snapple: Put-upon assistant/best friend Red Bull: Double-crossing villain who screams every line Coors Light: Gruff but kind-hearted law enforcement officer with redemption arc Capri Sun: Precocious child everyone is racing to either protect or kill Dunkin' Iced Coffee: Quippy tech guru PRIME Energy: Sadistic but easily dispatched henchman La Croix (Pamplemousse flavor): Self-conscious artist making film within a film Your local store-brand milk: Nurturing mentor whose remaining (shelf) life is limited Don't forget to follow us on all the socials to see cast photos at the splashy, fun-filled premiere next month! Each beverage will be transported to the red carpet in individual 40-ounce Cosmo Pink Stanley Tumblers.

Laffy Taffy Jokes For Adults

Thu, 22 Feb 2024 18:19:26 +0000

Gummies and taffy are no longer just for kids! The gummies and taffy for adults have drugs in them, which makes the laborious, unpleasant chewing worth it finally. And when the folks at Laffy Taffy decide to get in the game with their own adult taffy, they'll need some of these… Laffy Taffy Jokes For Adults Why did the fisherman's wife whittle his oar into a realistic shaped dildo? She wanted to finally have an oar-gasm! Why did Gerald drop by the sex toy shop before meeting his friends for dinner? Because he wanted to strap-on a feed bag! Why did Officer Garland ask out the attractive female criminal? Because he wanted to finger her as a suspect. Why wasn't Daryl able to get the job at the funeral home escort service? The position had already been necro-filled. What did the Wendy's employee say to his girlfriend when he noticed that their lovemaking seemed a bit different? Hey, where's th' queef? Why did Geoff purchase the canine version of GQ? He had heard good things about doggy style. Why did the ghost go to the adult video store? He had heard that they have movies featuring boo-kkake.

Statistics I've Shared Right Before Being Told 'Let's Agree to Disagree'

Thu, 22 Feb 2024 18:03:53 +0000

Chris: Should our weekly Dungeons and Dragons campaign include a storyline about uncovering hidden documents proving that random orc was raped? Me: Unfortunately, "only 230 out of every 1,000 sexual assaults are reported to police. That means about 3 out of 4 go unreported," RAINN. Chances are, that orc was never given the help or resources necessary to report the attack and recover. So, no, Chris. It wouldn't be realistic. Jordan: Did you hear Chris say you can compost human waste if you do it right? - I've known the guy my whole life and have never seen him take an interest in shit. Me: Well, it's a sad truth that "only 24% of people in major cities know all or most of their neighbors," Pew Research. And don't you and Chris have to take two trains to see each other? Means you're essentially strangers. Chris: Jordan mushroom stamped me REPEATEDLY even when someone else killed me in our Call of Duty game. What the hell? Can you believe that? Me: Quite frankly, yes - "every 73 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted," RAINN. Jordan: Chris told me he can't make it to DnD this week because he needs to give some stranger on the internet a stool sample. Who would give that shit away for free?? Me: I mean, it checks out - "74% of first-time telehealth users are willing to share genetic information," Assistant Secretary for Planning and Evaluation. Chris: Sorry I missed DnD last week - I was donating fecal matter to help gut biome research. Isn't that awesome? My Gen Z coworker told me about it 'cause she's always researching shit like that. Why do you think she's still so curious about the world and we're so…..us? Me: It's probably because of her youth, frankly. "49% of younger Millennials feel a sense of wonder about the world at least once a week," Pew Research. We're more concerned with forgetting to pay our taxes, not being married at 40, and canceled chiropractor appointments. Jordan: I'm taking over as dungeon master for the weekly DnD campaign - do you think it's weird Chris is convinced some throwaway non-playable orc was sexually assaulted even though literally no one said that happened? Besides, who would want to fuck an orc? They're not even attractive, canonically. Me: I mean, Chris could be onto something…. "39% of sexual assaults are committed by an acquaintance," RAINN, and why would this mage tell on himself? Plus, most gratification isn't the primary motivator for sexual assault - "Power, control, and anger are more likely to be the primary motivators," Megan's Law. And that mage def had wild magic control issues. Chris: Would the dude in Bridgerton have accidentally fathered a child even if he were using the pull out method perfectly? Jordan keeps saying he would have ended up with at least three - but I think the dude would definitely have had a whole army of bastards. Me: I mean, if he performed his pullout game perfectly, it'd depend on how often he scored. "For every 100 people who use the withdrawal, or pull out, method perfectly, 4 will get pregnant," Planned Parenthood. Based on how paranoid he was, I'm thinking he might have fared okay if he got laid fewer than ninety-six times. Jordan: Chris is such a stuck-up bitch - derailing our whole DnD game with that orc shit. Does he think the world revolves around him, or what? Me: Well, "a 2014 poll found 1 in 4 people in the U.S. think the sun revolves around the Earth," NPR, and Chris is on Earth…. Jordan, again: Do you think you're better than me even though we literally do all the same shit? Me: Considering "65% of Americans believe they are above average in intelligence," PLOS ONE, …infer for yourself. Jordan, once more: You need to knock it off with these stats. You do realize you're a bummer, right? Me: Maybe, but "100% of the time - you keep asking me stupid questions," me.

I'm a Third Grade Teacher, and I'm Quitting to Make Some Real Money Collecting Cans By the Side of the Highway

Wed, 21 Feb 2024 20:03:56 +0000

Dear Principal Babinski, This letter is to inform you that I will be tendering my resignation as a third grade teacher at Dwight D. Eisenhower Elementary School. Instead, I will be pursuing what was previously a side-hustle, collecting cans by I-496 full-time. I have done the math, and found that, if I take a normal 8 hour day and spend it collecting cans by the side of the road, as long as I collect about 1,200 cans a day, I will actually make about 12.54 dollars an hour, which rounds out to about 26 thousand dollars a year, which is just as much money as I made educating our nation's youths. You might ask, "Will there be enough cans for you to collect 1,200 every day?" Buddy, have you seen the side of I-496? There's enough cans there for me to collect a hundred thousand every day. It's a bounty of aluminum. Plus, I'll save money not having to buy any of my own supplies, as the state will actually supply you with garbage bags if you're picking up litter. Obviously, the state does not extend the same courtesy for erasable markers when you're trying to teach our country's future leaders, but that's probably for the best. I caught a couple of our nation's future leaders trying to huff the marker fumes the last time I brought some in. How does an 8-year-old know to put them in a paper bag? But why am I quitting being a teacher? Well, here: Each aluminum can here in Michigan is ten cents. None of the cans scream at me or force themselves to puke to get out of reading Because of Winn-Dixie. As someone collecting cans, I can choose my own hours, I'm outside in the fresh air (admittedly a little fumey, but I already wear a mask for most of my day to keep my students from getting me sick, because they are horrible little biohazards) Which job would you say is quantitatively better for my mental health? They say teaching is a calling, but I've been receiving a different calling right now. A calling to gather crushed up Fanta cans. Do you know what else calls for me? My student loans. My credit card bills. And the parents of the students, asking questions like, "Why is my child getting a D in reading and writing?" Because he can't read, Joan. Let alone write. If it weren't for No Child Left Behind, he never would've made it out of kindergarten. Also, when two guys on the prison detail working near me (nice guys) get in a fight, I can totally ignore it. In my role as a teacher, I also doubled as a mixed martial arts referee, wading into pitched combat, trying to wrench one 8-year-old off the other before they can apply the rear naked chokehold they learned from videogames. And I don't know what size you picture an 8-year-old- but they're big. It's the hormones in milk. But I will miss educating these tiny people that will one day control our fate. Sometimes, when I collect a Pepsi or Mountain Dew can, I'll say a few facts about Reconstruction, or go over multiplication tables with it. And you know what that Pepsi or Mountain Dew can never does? Say "skibidi toilet" and try to film me on a newer generation of iPhone than I have. A can of Pepsi will never try to prank you with something called the Brick Challenge (apparently, just trying to hit someone with a brick) in an attempt to emulate their favorite YouTuber, sHiTCOCKLegend. And if that Pepsi can does try, you can crush it flat under your boot heel, something strongly prohibited in the classroom. So, if you need to reach me, you can find me on the side of interstate I-496, or, when that one dries up, I-95. Also, when I'm collecting cans, I'm surprisingly less worried about getting shot. As long as I stay off Man-Man's turf! Man-Man has terrible aim.

Different Office Door Positions and How to Interpret Them

Tue, 20 Feb 2024 22:47:24 +0000

I'm at my desk but interruptions are okay. I should really concentrate. Do not interrupt. Unless it's to tell me about baked goods in the kitchen. My spouse is out of town and I crave human interaction. Please linger in the doorway and gossip with me. I'll even listen to you talk about your kid. I'm napping on the couch. I'm napping on the couch and forgot to close the blinds. I'm desperate to brand myself as the 'fun' coworker. Is it working?!?! I just found out Steve is making more than me and took it out on the door. I do tarot readings on the side. I decorated for Halloween. A murder happened in my office. I brought my horse to work. Illustrated by Megan Schmidt

Palm-Reading Performed by Amazon One During Checkout at Whole Foods

Tue, 20 Feb 2024 22:09:33 +0000

"Amazon One uses the information embedded in your palm to create a unique palm signature that it can read each and every time you use it." - Amazon You will never be very rich, powerful or gifted. But becoming a Prime member will give you unimaginable prestige and unparalleled access to anything you could ever want. Your future is filled with peace and joy interrupted occasionally by minor injuries, life-threatening infectious disease, and, due to your high fat diet, explosive diarrhea. Stay healthy by buying more Whole Food products like non-GMO rice, organic bananas, and gluten-free sparkling water. Your fate line shows that your life has been prone to many changes, especially at work. Your career path is nearing a dead end. Make a choice: either continue as an irrelevant corporate minion or travel the world, become a household name, and reap endless rewards as an Amazon delivery driver. Your wavy heart line indicates that you are physically strong, but romantically clueless.No one has ever sustained a relationship on 365Beef Jerky and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Use Amazon Alexa to plan a magical date night and create the most intimate moment with Amazon Music Prime. Great fortune awaits you. As a prime member, you will experience a huge cash savings, which will simultaneously boost your bank account and inspire more impulsive purchasing on Amazon. Your head line suggests that your life is boring and lacks adventure. Shop more in Amazon's Exclusive Toys section and register with Blue Origin for the next trip to space. Your lifeline suggests low energy. Invest in Whole Foods star energy products that contain things like yerba mate,açai, and crickets. Don't worry if you're not familiar with these foreign substances, Alexa will teach you and then order them immediately for same day delivery. Your long oval palm indicates that you're reserved, shy, and maybe an introvert. Don't worry about breaking out of your shell. By analyzing your online preferences, app use, and palm, we already know and share everything about you with everyone. We're old friends, buddy. The prominent mound of flesh at the base of your thumb reveals your predisposition for instant gratification. Amazon can help strengthen that admirable trait with instant online buying. As a Prime Member, all you have to do is use 1-Click and the products are on their way. You don't have any good luck signs on your palm, but the calluses suggest that you're a fanatical masturbator. At your current rate, you'll achieve the fame you've always wanted by setting an unbeatable record, which will be printed in the Guinness Book of World Records-a book that you can order in bulk on Amazon to share your achievement with friends, family members, and complete strangers. Your destiny is based on your Amazon One and Prime memberships. Use them to satisfy your every need, especially on Prime Days.

OnlyFans Profiles That You May Have Missed...

Fri, 16 Feb 2024 01:42:06 +0000

ToeJamboree Slight-of-foot magician Hotfoot uses one foot to clip the toenails of the other, changes the diaper of an adult baby fetishist using only his feet, and even plays Patty Cake with a seemingly confused Bernadette Peters . For an extra fee he will use the aforementioned toenails to spell a touching message on his kitchen table for you or a loved one with only his feet. RecapAndFap Are you a straight guy who enjoys watching daytime soaps like General Hospital and Days Of Our Lives, but are embarrassed by the constant ribbing you get from your sports loving pals? RecapAndFap may be the solution that you're looking for! Each daily video features completely naked ladies reading the plot outlines and major details of every daily soap opera! Note, asking Natalie to squeeze her own boob while explaining how Nikki was rescued from the collapsed mine by her long thought dead son Evan may incur extra fees. ArreolaCola Under house arrest with plenty of time on his hands, as well as a trunk full of bizarre sexual apparatus, Sidney has connected a soda making machine to a female rubber torso sex toy. Which he proceeds to nurse from off and on throughout his otherwise unspectacular days. Feel free to peek in if, much like Sidney, you've got nothing better to do. ZodiACK!! Hidden in the shadowy recesses of the dark web, identity hidden behind facial / vocal scramblers, an OnlyFans member claiming to be the Zodiac Killer reads from his collection of favorite Cathy comic strip episodes. Tweeking & Tweaking OnlyFans prank show, wherein tweeking drug users walk up to random strangers and tweak their nipples. ConnectThor Broadcasting from the same bedroom he's had since the fifth grade, middle aged cosplay enthusiast Jacob dresses like Thor and challenges viewers to a game of Connect Four. Games typically devolve into fans placing bets as to how many Connect Four pieces Jacob can stuff into his own bottom. 8Ballin' You know those women who work in adult dance clubs who can shoot ping pong balls long distances via their vaginas? Yes, very impressive, but Lady Eve Summers has got them all beat by a mile! She has the exact same talent, but can use it to instead propel mystical fortune telling Magic 8 Ball toys across the room toward her intended target! And quite a few of the magical answers are pretty spot on as well! The Politics Of Sex Married couple Darla and Keith, chained to one another via their genital piercings, discuss news of the day that should interest an audience with a particularly sexual lifestyle. Topics such as "Is it racist to bleach your butthole?" and "When will tea-bagging finally get it's chance as an Olympic sport?" keep the couple engaged and sometimes in a bit of a disagreement. Wait on the edge of your seat for the moment when one decides to storm out of the room! Ouch!

How To Get Your Rock Band To Hit It Big, Without Getting Better

Thu, 15 Feb 2024 23:08:53 +0000

After six years, approximately 500 jam sessions, and 12 (12) groupies, the foursome that began in your basement and once held a residency in Evan's yard is at a crossroads. Unfortunately, it's not the Crossroads Guitar Festival alongside Eric Clapton. Diligent practicing has only gotten you so far. So enough of that. Here's what you need to do instead: Crowd Surf This may not strike you as the best idea when you're playing at the community teen center in front of a sparse audience of 8th graders with the upper body physiques of Beavis and Butt-Head. Don't worry. Go ahead and jump, and immediately join the ranks of Bruce Springsteen and Iggy Pop. If someone films you getting dropped during your Led Zeppelin cover, it's well worth the embarrassment of being seen millions of times in a TikTok clip called "Misty Mountain Stopppp Oh My Goddd." Why? Because you'll have the last laugh when your adoring fans hold you up firmly above the Yankee Stadium outfield, which is as crowded as your Grammy cabinet. You're also killing two birds with one stone, by the way. Since you don't have health insurance to see a massage therapist, crowd surfing is a convenient way to get that knot in your back worked out. Smash Your Instruments No, raising a $2,000 Stratocaster overhead and slamming it down onto the stage like you're chopping wood hasn't jumped the shark any more than, say, Rudy Giuliani. But why stop there? If you're as dedicated to rock n' roll as your bumper stickers say you are, do the equivalent as lead singer: knock the wind out of yourself. If you can't, ask someone in the audience to do it - preferably someone who looks pissed. You'll be known as the ultimate crowd pleaser. Never mind the cost of repairs, replacements, or a broken rib. You just gave the late lunch crowd at Pappy's the time of their lives. Remember to leave the damaged instruments behind for management to put up on the wall as memorabilia, which is fine, because the van you all took to the gig won't start, and there's only so much space in Garrett's brother's hatchback. Toss TVs Out Hotel Windows On-stage antics won't be worth much if you don't also commit off-stage acts of destruction and defenestration - the other double D's that rock stars like. Newsflash: the La Quinta on Dayton Ave has 99 percent of its TVs plugged in and unshattered. In other words, it's ripe. It doesn't matter that it's ten minutes from your beds. Make those reservations and make them now - 4th floor and up only, for maximum "fuck yeah"s. Ample publicity will follow. You need it, too, since the last bit wasn't exactly a ringing endorsement, with a guy telling the local paper that your show was better than what happened to him on his way home: a carjacking. If an arrest seems imminent, even better. Just don't forget about any drugs in your pockets. Don't forget to leave them in, that is. Spend Lavishly on Your Image $20 t-shirts are out, and designer everything is in: Prada sunglasses, Christian Louboutin boots, bedazzled diamond Gucci belts. Make it your own. Has any band ever buttoned just the top two buttons of their shirts? Exactly. Plus, you can show off the abs you got from skipping meals because of your shopping spree. Groupie problem: solved. Besides the obvious need for extensive tattoo work and pierced appendages, you should also make a routine out of seeing a barber. Get something bold buzzed into your scalp: an animal, emoji, cactus, whatever. Or do the opposite: get your entire head shaved except for a patch above your lobe-enlarged ear. Then dye it. Likewise with your beard mohawk. You don't need to go to the mall or the barber every day. No reason to go overboard here. But definitely every other day. And as for tipping, how about those crisp fifties your grandma gave you for your birthday? It's what she would have wanted. As you can see, these are not closely guarded secrets. They're time-tested and practically record label-approved. But there's more. The real key to hitting ...

Countdown to Valentine's

Wed, 14 Feb 2024 21:57:05 +0000

Yes, I'm looking for the executive in charge of programming? I'll hold. Hello? Yes, my name is Gloria Arliss and I'm calling to complain about your Hallmark Channel's Countdown to Valentine's Day Movie Festival. I happen to feel that you are inundating us with all this romantic drivel that totally distorts reality. Movie after movie after movie showing some weird, complicated way of falling in love. It's not like that… I mean, I like a nice romantic comedy as much as the next woman but you are pumping this nonsense into our homes 24-7!… For this you're preempting the Golden Girls? These movies, they're just not how people behave. How do you have women throwing away a committed relationship because of some "Meet-cute" scene in a small town? Oh, it's the wrong guy? Then why are these smart, savvy women even in a relationship with the wrong man? Could you make them anymore pathetic? Look, you show us these women, it seems like they have it all. They're successful lawyers, chefs, hotel managers, florists and chefs. And they are working hard to keep it together. Then you attempt to foist upon us the idea that these women are misguided because some alpha dude snuck in under their radar? Right, like being a success at something means you have a blind spot about having a relationship. I mean, really, what are we, men? I'm tired-me and my friend are all tired-of seeing love reduced to some contrivance to be overcome. Yes, we've talked about it over many a bottle of wine. Zinfandel. Love isn't a plot point. Love isn't a happy ending to finish up at. Love is a lifetime. It's something to work at, not fall into. I don't want to say "I've fallen in love and I can't get up!" Sure, you can use that. Anyway, you're flooding the market with endless retreads of the same cookie-cutter plots. Especially the ones about the cookie cutters. Look, Mister…Reynolds-Mr. Reynolds, your channel needs to dial it back. You're turning something wonderful like love and St. Valentine's Day into something tired and trite. It's still something unique. It's hard to believe in unique if you have 32 movies in a row about it. I just need to believe that it is something wonderful, something special, can you understand that, can't you, Mr. Reynolds? Ok, Dave. You do? That's all we ask, some consideration. That would be appreciated. Thank you for your time…Dave… Arliss, Gloria Arliss. So…are you seeing anyone?

CARTOON: Stupid Cupid

Wed, 14 Feb 2024 06:08:58 +0000

If Jesus Is Going to Take the Wheel, Here's Some Other Things I'd Like Him to Take

Wed, 14 Feb 2024 00:46:47 +0000

Jesus, Take My Taxes If Jesus is going to take the wheel, I'd also like him to take my taxes. He doesn't even need to file them on TurboTax or tell the IRS any of my business, he just needs to take them away so I don't have to think about them. Maybe he can turn them into water and then turn the water into wine, and then I can drink my tax returns with an episode of Grey's Anatomy. Jesus, Take My Car to the Mechanic the Check Engine Light Is On If Jesus is going to take the wheel, he might as well take the car to the mechanic and see what's going on with that check engine light. I took it to the dealership but they tried to con me into getting the oil changed. I'm no fool. I know the oil only needs to be changed every 100k miles. Anyway, the check engine light is on and the muffler is dragging on the ground. It would be great if Jesus could get the old junker looked at. Jesus, Write In My Journal So My Therapist Stops Telling Me to Try Journaling If Jesus is going to take the wheel, maybe he can also write in my journal for 30 minutes a night while he drinks the $18 jasmine tea I bought in Soho but don't like, but have to keep drinking because it was $18 and that's insane. My therapist wants me to try writing in a journal for 30 minutes every night, and lying to my therapist is a moral entanglement that I don't think I'm emotionally ready for. Maybe he can write about how shitty my car is. Jesus, Pick up Soy Milk on Your Way Home If Jesus is going to take the wheel, maybe he can also pick up soy milk on his way home from getting the car's oil changed, the muffler fixed, and buying me a journal at Target. But I need Jesus to remember that it has to be soy milk. Regular milk makes me nauseous. And almond milk used to be fine, but now every time I drink it I can't stop thinking about almonds in a blender screaming. Disturbing, I know. That's why I don't drink almond milk. I told my therapist about the screaming almonds and she asked if I had journaled about it. Now you're starting to see the predicament I'm in. Jesus, Find Me a New Therapist If Jesus is going to take the wheel, he can also find me a new therapist. Maybe whoever he goes to. If they can help a guy through being nailed to a cross and then rising from the dead, they'd probably have better advice than fucking journaling. Jesus, Parallel Park for Me If Jesus is going to take the wheel, I don't see why he can't parallel park while he's at it. The last time I tried, the muffler ended up dragging on the ground. He already fixed that, and unless he wants to fix it again, it's probably for the best that he does the parallel parking while I sit in the passenger seat telling him he's doing it all wrong. Jesus, Train for a Marathon for Me I don't particularly want to run a marathon, but I think it might be healthy for my personality. If I'm training for a marathon, or having Jesus train for a marathon on my behalf, then when Harriet from works asks what I'm doing over the weekend, instead of being honest and saying that I'm drinking my taxes turned wine while watching Grey's Anatomy, I can tell her I'm actually running 26.2 miles. Jesus can wear shoes if he wants.

You Want Me To Talk? What's Next, I Gotta Sing And Dance?

Wed, 14 Feb 2024 00:11:28 +0000

You want me to "talk?" What's next, I have to sing and dance? Choreograph an original musical number based on the events of my life up to this point? And then what? Novelize? Monetize? Record a best-selling audio book, foreword by Peter Bogdanovich? Adapt it for the silver screen and audition for the role of myself? Practice being myself in the mirror so I can really nail it? Is that what you want? Huh? You want me to secure funding for a spin-off television series based on fan favorite side characters whose backstories weren't explored in the original? Win awards for each increasingly more annoying version of the same story? Melt the Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony down into a big metal hunk? Display it in a gallery as an artistic statement against the idea of awards? Win more awards? Right now? For your entertainment? You would like that, huh? I bet you'd like that. You want me to "shut up?" What's next, I gotta take a vow of silence? Communicate only with hand gestures and hastily-made drawings? Is that it? Become a mime? Do mime stuff? Wear mime clothes? Eat mime food? Hang out with other mimes? At your behest? Yes? Move to France or Canada? Live as a mime lives? Age as a mime ages? Die as a mime dies? Without a word? Not a peep? I bet you'd enjoy that fantastic silence but let me ask you this: hath not a mime farts? Hath not a mime sneezes? If you stab a mime, do we not scream? And if you quietly cross a mime, do we not seek LOUD revenge? You don't know, do you? You don't even know. You want me to "solve for x in the equation 18/3-7+2*5=x?" What's next, I gotta divide 18 by three? What's after that, I gotta multiply two and five? What's after that, I gotta add six to negative seven? What's last, I gotta add negative one and 10? Is that your idea of a solution? Nine? What was even the point of that? Hello?? You want me to calculate ambiguous math problems without explanation? Just free labor? Or was the solution itself a calculation of my wage? Do I get nine? Why not just round up to 10? I feel I'm worth closer to 10 than nine, wouldn't you say? On second thought, could I take another pass at that math problem? Great, just want to make sure I did it right, you know? Let's take a look…what on earth?! This time I got 50 - wouldn't you know it? I guess that means I receive 50, right? It's a good thing I checked, I almost shorted myself 41, can you imagine? I can't. You want me to "get lost?" What's next, I gotta wander out into wilderness untouched by man? Touch it? Let it touch me? Touch myself? That's it, isn't it? And when an emergency rescue team drags me back to civilization, what then? Try again? Wear a blindfold? Take the blindfold off so I can drive out to the middle of nowhere at dusk? Put the blindfold back on? Take the blindfold off again because it's dark anyways? Put the blindfold back on because it's dark anyways? Touch myself again? Because who said so? You? Let me get this straight, you want me to…wait, what do you want me to do? You want me to get something specific, right? What were we just talking about? Gosh, I'm just so lost right now which happens to be exactly what you wanted, isn't it?! Aha! You thought you could get in my head, didn't you? But I caught you, didn't I? ANSWER ME! TALK, GODDAMMIT! I WANT YOU TO TALK!

How Nikki Haley Could Revive Her Failing Presidential Campaign

Thu, 08 Feb 2024 23:35:54 +0000

How did it happen, America? The 2024 presidential election is getting closer and closer, and somehow, the presumptive nominees are the same two melted goblins who ran against each other in 2020. WE HAD FOUR YEARS TO FIND BETTER PEOPLE! AND WE STILL DIDN'T DO IT! On one side, you have Donald Trump, a third-tier Batman villain who is probably planning how to poison Gotham City's water supply. (Or maybe he's a fourth-tier Dick Tracy villain…Tangerine Face?) On the other, you have Joe Biden, who could be a stand-in for Gary Oldman's character in Hannibal (2001). It's quite possible he died several years ago and is being made to speak and move around through the magic of Disney imagineering. Against these two rejects from Jim Henson's Creature Shop, former UN Ambassador Nikki Haley should be crushing it. But she's not. In Iowa, she even lost to Ron DeSantis, a guy who looks like he yells at Hooters waitresses. And after a disappointing finish in New Hampshire (title of my porn movie, BTW), she's under pressure to drop out of the race. It could be that the American public is not comfortable voting for someone named Nikki. You may not want your president to sound like a kid in your niece's Aqua-Tots class. Maybe as a Helen or an Evelyn, Haley could be a frontrunner. But I think the problem is that Nikki Haley's campaign is not emphasizing her best features. So let's change that now. These are the points that the candidate should be selling the public: 1. She's allowed to drive after dark. American Presidents don't drive themselves around that much. They tend to get chauffeured everywhere. But, still, you'd like to think that the Leader of the Free World could make an emergency CVS run at 10 p.m. on a Tuesday if she absolutely had to. Face it, you wouldn't want Biden or Trump doing that. 2. If your doctor looked like her, you wouldn't immediately panic. That's a major plus for any politician, right? Not freaking people out when they walk into the examining room at the UrgentCare? And if it helps you to visualize this, just replace the word "doctor" in that last sentence with "gynecologist." Now you're starting to sweat at the thought of either Biden or Trump in a white coat. Isn't Nikki Haley looking better and better to you? 3. She could easily identify Taylor Swift in a photograph. Being the president requires a wide variety of skills, one of which is the ability to recognize the most famous celebrity in America. And Nikki Haley is the only remaining candidate who can do it. Ladies and gentlemen, I have conducted my own research on this topic, and both Trump and Biden failed miserably. When shown a candid pic of Tay at a Chiefs game, Biden merely responded, "I don't know. 4.She's not old enough to have been one of the Little Rascals in the 1930s. Don't ask Nikki Haley to share any colorful anecdotes about working with Carl "Alfalfa" Switzer. She doesn't have any. And what were Buckwheat and Spanky "really like"? Nikki Haley couldn't tell you. Because she wouldn't be born for decades. 5. Does she even have kids? That's just it. You don't know and don't care. Lately, the headlines have been gummed up with the sleazy antics of Hunter Biden, the Chet Haze of the Biden clan and proof that Hunter S. Thompson was the last good Hunter. But let's not forget that Eric Trump and Don, Jr. can match Hunter Biden gross scandal for gross scandal. Meanwhile, America, there's a candidate whose kids (if they exist) are not interesting enough to make the news. Another tremendous plus for Haley! 6. She can speak in clear, coherent sentences. Sure, you might not agree with everything she says in those sentences, but at least they have subjects and predicates. You know when they start and end. That should be a requirement for all American politicians. Especially, like, the main one. So Nikki Haley, if you're reading this, don't throw in the towel quite yet. Give this thing another couple of weeks. You're the least upsetting person running for presiden...

Zillow Listings for Literary Properties

Tue, 06 Feb 2024 21:15:22 +0000

Pemberley (Pride & Prejudice) Half of Derbyshire, England $150,000,000 This grand Georgian estate boasts sprawling grounds, a tranquil lake and a 19th-century fountain. Inside, you will find original Chippendale furniture, elegant damask furnishings and rooms that are somehow "handsome". With natural beauty and a rich history, Pemberley will have your crush ready to marry you! New owner is responsible for evicting the property's resident squatter (a Mr. Wickham). The Overlook Hotel (The Shining) Rocky Mountains, Colorado $49.99 Lonely Hotel Seeks Companion Finally, a property you can buy from all the money you saved from giving up your daily latte! This grand but secluded establishment in the heart of the Rocky Mountains is available at a discounted price for a limited time. The seller is extremely motivated. 110 spacious rooms with stunning views are included in the sale but buyers are cautioned against entering Room 217 no matter how many times it calls to you. With plenty of options for entertaining, this sentient hotel includes a grand ballroom, a ghostly bartender, a cozy library and rivers of gushing blood. The hotel seeks an entrepreneurial owner looking for a digital detox in a permanent vacation home. Once you come in, you'll never want to (or be able to) leave. Gatsby's house (The Great Gatsby) West Egg, Long Island $70,000,000 Embrace nouveau riche maximalism with this opulent 1920s mansion that is the talk of the town. Built in the style of the Hôtel de Ville in Normandy and conveniently located far from the eyes of Dr. TJ Eckleburg, this ivy-covered estate comes with far too many rooms and over forty acres of lawn. Blackout curtains to keep out intrusive green light from the boring old mansion across the bay will be provided. Buyers are advised to never bring firearms near the outdoor marble pool. Thornfield Hall (Jane Eyre) North Yorkshire, England $750,000 Looking for a sprawling Gothic manor that smells like old books and comes with unique features such as thorn trees and a fully gray façade? This three-story house combines the tranquility of country living with the gloominess of your teenage goth phase. Fully refurbished and constructed in fire-proof material, this house no longer includes a madwoman in the attic. Bag End (Lord of the Rings) Hobbiton, The Shire, Middle-earth 22 bags of gold coins This underground dwelling is perfect for short kings looking to embrace goblin mode. With eco-friendly construction, this luxury hobbit-hole comes with a cool gold ring that grants the wearer powers of invisibility! Virtuous buyers who wear the One Ring sparingly will enjoy its anti-aging properties without having to resort to Botox, Retinol or blood infusions from their teenage children. Manderley (Rebecca) Cornwall, England $1, 120,000 Tonight, you'll dream of Manderley again! This Elizabethan seaside mansion is nestled in the woods for your privacy - and the comfort of the intimidating spirit that inhabits it. The stone house features mullioned windows and a terrace overlooking a beautiful rose garden, which offers a tranquil escape from the deceased mistress of the house. The private shingle beach is the perfect place to while away your summer days as you descend into an anxiety spiral. Look out at the undisturbed lakes as you get increasingly disturbed fixating on how you'll never be as hot or perfect as Rebecca who somehow got cooler as her body got colder. Alternative hiding places include the woods which feature awe-inspiring beech and oak trees. Buyer must decorate the house in the impeccable style of its former mistress or hordes of her minions will descend upon you. The Wardrobe (The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe) Oxford, England $641,890,000,000 This antique mahogany wardrobe features a whole hidden world with year-long seasons and a benevolent talking lion who may or may not be Jesus. The original paneled doors come with exquisite inlaid satinwood patterns and four long drawers with brass handles. The...

Ford Memo to All Dealers Regarding 2011-2016 Fiesta and Focus Models About Chimpanzees in Trunks

Tue, 06 Feb 2024 20:28:25 +0000

TO: All U.S. Ford Dealers SUBJECT: Customer Satisfaction Program 18P16 Certain 2011-2016 Model Year Fiesta & Focus Vehicles Concerns About Sexually Mature Primates REASON FOR PROVIDING THIS SERVICE Ford is aware that some of the 2011-2016 Focus and Fiesta owners have concerns about the violent, horny chimpanzees that our engineers in Detroit have deliberately placed in the trunk of these automobiles. These vehicles are safe. However, for our customers' peace of mind, Ford is offering this no-charge service that reduces the potential risk of these hungry primates from entering the vehicle and aggressively satiating their carnal appetites on our customers while on the road. Customers can take their vehicles into any Ford dealership as long as their 7-year, 100,000-mile warranty is still in effect and they meet the following criteria: The animals haven't gotten "smarter" The chimps were not replaced with aftermarket chimps The customer must crawl into the store and beg They must be crying They must be injured Proof of injuries must be documented and substantiated by our dedicated team of witch doctors They must denounce Jesus Christ as their lord and savior They must refer to all Ford service representatives as "Daddy" They must successfully jump through all the hoops you have provided to them They must successfully jump through additional hoops that will be provided by us They must choose one of their children as a blood sacrifice to The Great Henry Ford *If they have no children, one will be provided for an additional fee SERVICE ACTION At the request of the customer, dealers are to remove the chimps from their vehicles. NOTE: Before you remove the chimpanzees, remember to follow our ten-step guide regarding fixing the problems we're responsible for: Deny there is a problem Keep asking them when the last time they've had an oil change and continuously make snarky comments about how dirty their oil is and make them second guess themselves Try to convince the customer that there are no chimps… It's all in their head! Ask the customer if they've ever once considered that maybe the CHIMPS are upset that YOU'RE in THEIR vehicle Charge them our standard $109.00 diagnostic fee Put the car up on that big car lifter upper thingy Get up on a ladder and go underneath the vehicle and make a bunch of clangy sounds with wrenches and grunt like a manly man Wipe dirt off your hands with a big blue towel Piss on the customer Reassure them that it's just raining. NOTE: Customers are only eligible for this free program until 8:15 am today. We know that most of our service centers don't open til 8:00 am, but tough cookies baby. NOTE: We are also WELL aware of the awful issues involving our DPS6 transmissions found in these cars which have been known to stall out on the highway and unexpectedly jet into busy intersections and were the subject of a well written investigative report. These issuers are not eligible under this program. Just the chimps. Questions & Assistance For questions and assistance dealers are welcome to call our corporate offices and we will be more than happy to help you figure out more inventive ways to hurt our customers. If our customers require more assistance please have them call 1-800-FuckYou and we will be more than happy to help them further. Remember we are Ford Motors 100% problems 0% accountability. Long live the American Automotive Industry!

Various Other GOP Conspiracy Theories About Taylor Swift

Fri, 02 Feb 2024 21:02:49 +0000

Taylor has the ability to telepathically control a certain species of brain worm, which she used to influence the Trump jury during their deliberations on the amount of money to be awarded to E Jean Carroll. Taylor is in actuality a garden gnome, magically brought to life by the liberal Illuminati, in order to give Mitch O'Connell a massive wedgie during their battle to the death as reality crumbles around them. The Swifties are cloned from a single teenage girl who traveled to our time from Jan 6th, 7008. On this date in the future, the 28,532nd insurrection against the capital was attempted by TrumpBot and his legion of mutant followers. In desperation, members of the non-mutant community sent this teenage girl back in time to influence the early actions of the future President Swift. If you rearrange the letters of the Kansas City Chief's 2023 coach roster correctly, you will uncover secret messages between Taylor, Travis Kelce and an ancient undersea deity. This deity wants revenge on Trump for the huge amounts of fast-food packaging he tossed into the ocean off of the coast of Epstein Island for countless years. Immediately following the latest Super Bowl win by the Kansas City Chiefs, as well as Taylor Swift's endorsement of Joe Biden at the exact same moment, Taylor and Travis will embrace as a cocoon made from Nancy Pelosi's pants suits forms around them. Shortly thereafter the cocoon will start a podcast that shares thoughts and opinions offensive to the GOP and MAGA nation.

Millennials Are Doing Fine Which is Why We Are Tweeting Cries For Help at Sesame Street Characters

Fri, 02 Feb 2024 00:33:18 +0000

On behalf of millennials, I just want to reassure everyone that, despite a few things in the world being a litttttttttle bit unsettling lately, we are all coping really well and doing totally fine. To reassure you, just log on to social media platform X, which used to be called Twitter until an antisemitic white supremacist transphobic billionaire who kind of controls the military and the government took it over. There you can read our funny, light-hearted messages to characters from the children's television show Sesame Street, if you can find them between posts about real threats to democracy, imminent environmental catastrophe, and ongoing genocide. For example, look at our messages to Oscar the Grouch. Pretty much anything negative or pessimistic posted from his account is met with hundreds or more millennials replying #same, because that is a hilarious thing to post on the internet and not because we over-identify with being in a bad mood all of the time! Is Oscar also relatable because his living situation is a poignant reminder that housing and homelessness crises mean fewer of us will ever own a home than any previous generation, and the rate of unhoused people is skyrocketing? No, it's definitely not that. Well, maybe some cynical responses to Oscar makes sense, but if you shift over to Big Bird's account, you'll see we really are fine. Over the past week he's been posting about finding himself suddenly tiny instead of big and asking his followers to #helpbigbird. And millennials' responses demonstrate our collective stable psychological state, expressing extreme anxiety, sadness, obsession, and despair over the fictional children's character's social media story arc. Is it because in some ways we all feel like we are getting less and less visible as we watch hard-fought progress in LGBTQ, women's, reproductive, immigration, voting, and other rights erode, leaving many of us to wonder if anyone can hear our cries for help? Of course not, we were just joking around! And maybe if Big Bird's parents told him to stop feeling so entitled to be seen, he'd be doing just as well as we are. In a similarly jocular manner, yesterday when Elmo's account posted a question about how everybody is doing, so many of us replied with concerning responses that the main Sesame Street account followed up to post links to mental health resources. Was that because none of us can find, afford, or make time to go to a real therapist, leaving us to resort to trauma dumping on the pretend Twitter account of a three-and-a-half-year-old furry red monster? Is this the cumulative consequence of continually being stereotyped as lazy despite working more for comparatively lower wages, job security, and benefits than the previous generation? No, this is just that classic millennial sense of humor, no need to read into it further. So yeah, we are all doing really well. What is less indicative of trauma than collectively regressing to an almost childlike state to desperately seek solace in that which comforted us in our youth? As for me personally, I'll be even better as soon as Bert and Ernie answer the 117 posts I've made since yesterday begging them to adopt me as an adult, the Yip Yip Martians agree to my pleas to abduct me, or Cookie Monster affirmatively responds to my request to cover me in chocolate chips and eat me alive.

Song Titles From Ben Shapiro's Forthcoming Rap Album Am I Cool Now

Thu, 01 Feb 2024 22:34:25 +0000

"Rap-hating conservative pundit Ben Shapiro is now a rapper. Shapiro, the founder of right-wing media empire The Daily Wire, teamed up with MAGA rapper Tom MacDonald… On the lib-owning track 'Facts.'" -The Daily Beast, 1/26/24 "I Like Rap Now (But Not Black People)" "Should I Get Dreads" "I Have a Stick up My Ass" "Ouch It Hurts (Having a Stick up Your Ass)" "Abortion Is Murder, and So Is This Beat" "I Don't Understand Gay People When They Talk and That Makes Me Uncomfortable" "America Is Racist (Against White Men)" "I Am 40 Years Old and Scared of the Dark" "This Verse Is Fire, and Doctors Who Perform Abortions Should Be Lit on Fire" "I'm Not Blowing Money on Strippers (Because They Won't Talk to Me)" "I Just Want Eminem to Call Me Back" "Left 40 Messages on His Phone" "60 Text Messages" "175 Emails" "Eminem Is a Woke Karen" "My Pronouns Are Carni/Vore" "Liberals Are So Offended by Everything, Which Is Why I Wrote a Whole Song About Being Offended" "My Dog Doesn't Like Me" "How Many Songs Need to Be on an Album" "One Time I Ate an American Flag" "It Came Out Whole"

Chip Happens: Unexpected Neuralink Side Effects

Wed, 31 Jan 2024 22:00:26 +0000

Elon Musk reports that his Neuralink company has achieved the successful implantation of one of its wireless brain chips in a human. The chip is intended to establish connections between human brains and computers. However, there are notable side effects to consider. Your emotional expressions are now limited to a curated set of emojis. Your brain chip constantly receives software updates including ones that suddenly give you a South African accent. You discover that your brain is mining Dogecoin while you sleep. You no longer dismiss conspiracy theories and baseless claims and instead share them with anyone who will listen, especially Joe Rogan. Ads for affordable quality golf balls and copper mine drilling rights interrupt your profound moments of introspection. You've changed all your streaming service passwords so your friends in the Ukraine can no longer binge on Netflix. You're compelled to delete "Union of the Snake" by Duran Duran, "Union Forever" by The White Stripes, and "Union Sundown" by Bob Dylan from all your playlists. You physically attack the ref at your child's little league game because you've developed a sudden dislike for "whistleblowers". You feel a sudden urge to pay for that blue checkmark on X/Twitter.

I'm a Horse, and I Never Asked to Be Anyone's Therapist

Tue, 30 Jan 2024 22:57:30 +0000

Hey there, I'm a horse. You know, the kind of animal who enjoys munching on grass all day with no care in the world except, "is it raining right now?" I have a bone to pick with humans. They are relying on me for therapy even though I never asked for this. Look, I don't mean to come off as such a whinier. It's nice to be able to help people feel better, and I'm very good at it. But what about my feelings? Sure I have a pleasant temperament and don't outwardly judge, but all I really want to do is hang with my good horse friend Sharon and stare at the pasture. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a dang joy to be around. I'm gorgeous to look at, and I have a very calming nature. People can even brush my mane, which is a bit patronizing, but go nuts. I'm also a fantastic listener. However, I certainly did not get a master's degree in counseling or psychology, k? I really just know eating hay, lifting my tail to poop, and nodding at things. I am not qualified for this malarkey. It's irritating enough when people want to ride me and control my every move. Most of them are so bossy! Also I'm literally carrying the weight of the rider on my back. I'm not body shaming I swear, I just need humans to know that can be very spooky. Riding me is one thing, but when people want to disclose their most depraved thoughts I'm like, "Whoa whoa whoa! Maybe we should get to know each other a bit first!" And they give me one measly carrot for managing all this emotional labor. I'm not a foal, I know people therapists get paid at least ten carrots a day. All I'm saying is humans are putting a lot of pressure on us horses. You don't see snakes doing what I do. The other day I helped a guy through his relationship issues. I don't know anything about divorce and I don't care to. Human relationships seem very messy. I don't want to ask how someone's day at work went, I want to roll in some mud. Life is short, let's kick up our heels and burrow in that wet dirt! By the way, I'm a total empath. I feel everything people around me are feeling, so thanks for bringing that into my life. I was having a good day until this random lady told me about her sociophobia. Well guess what, now I have a deep fear of people too! The next time people want to bring their kind to my stable for some soothing therapy, they should think about how I'd rather be running around feeling the wind in my mane than withstanding the emotional toll of providing untrained therapy. I really just want my buddy Sharon, a meadow, and at least two carrots. Oh my 3:30 is here. I gotta trot. Actually while I'm airing out my grievances, please stop making us horse dance. We look like fucking morons.

How to Escape From Prison

Tue, 30 Jan 2024 21:32:09 +0000

So, you've found yourself in prison. Life on the outside was just too much and now you must spend the next twelve months to 250 years behind bars, reflecting on what poor decisions led you here. What did you do this time? I bet it was something really naughty. You're so bad. Or maybe you're innocent and desperate for another chance to prove it. Maybe you really are guilty but have trouble fitting in with the other prisoners. It doesn't matter. Lucky for you, I have gathered seven bullet-proof methods that will guarantee you a new chance at freedom. Now you might be thinking, "Jake. How are you qualified to speak on this subject? You've never been to prison!" Exactly. Who would know more about not being in prison than a guy who has never even visited one? You're the idiot who got yourself locked up. Now sit your ass down on that uncomfortable, standard-issue cot and listen. Run for it. With this method it's important to first create a distraction. I suggest pointing and yelling, "Hey look, a guy is escaping from prison!" and then running in the opposite direction. Another good idea would be to start a food fight in the cafeteria. The prisoners and guards will have so much fun throwing their dinners at one another, they will hardly notice if one person is missing. Dig. This is the tried and true method. An American classic. All you need is a spoon, some elbow grease and a heart full of dreams. Be careful as this method can create a lot of noise and if your digging wakes up the warden he will become very upset. Prison wardens are famously grouchy when they don't get their beauty sleep. Study for your law degree, pass the bar exam, gather evidence, and overturn your sentence. Keep in mind this will only work if you were wrongly convicted, or if you become a very unethical lawyer and lie your way out. But if you're already in prison for heinous crimes you might as well become an unethical lawyer who lies. Fake your death. Adenosine is a prescription medication which can cause your heartbeat to stop for 6-10 seconds. Close your eyes and swallow about sixty of these and you may appear dead for up to an hour. If you can hold still without giggling for that long you might just fool them into pronouncing you dead. One minor setback with this method is that after your funeral you will then need to escape from a coffin buried six feet under ground, which is an entirely different article. Cry about it. Throw a temper tantrum. Kick and scream. Blow some snot bubbles. Be a little brat. No one wants to deal with a grown man throwing a tantrum. That shit is embarrassing. Make sure to bring up how much you want your mommy. They will be so embarrassed for you that they will have to let you go. It worked for me on the first day of kindergarten. No one said a prison break has to be dignified. Seduce a prison guard. Or as I call this method, "the Reverse Stockholm Syndrome." Many single prison guards these days are searching for companionship but are often too afraid to put themselves out there. Strike up a conversation with one of them and you might be surprised what the two of you have in common. You both spend all day in a prison. You both have to wear a uniform. You both have a soft spot for John Hughes' films. Don't be afraid to come off a little strong. It'll be your little secret. Read a book. Books can take you anywhere including somewhere outside of a prison. Unless you're reading The Green Mile by Stephen King, which is a book that largely takes place inside of a prison. I recommend reading Ulysses by James Joyce. This book is long enough to keep you busy and pretentious enough that no one else will bother opening it to find that you have cut a hole through several chapters where you have conveniently placed the key to your prison cell. There you have it folks, seven genius ways to escape from the big house with style and class. If none of these worked for you, maybe you need to spend more time on number 7 because these suggestions cou...

#Live Tweeting the Wait Line for Slinky Dog Roller Coaster

Thu, 25 Jan 2024 21:43:08 +0000

We reached Toy Story Land and the first ride the kids want to go on is the Slinky Dog rollercoaster, over my vote for Spinning Martians. Now on the line. The sign says 120 minutes, but I'm sure that's an exaggeration. Oh, a marching band of the toy army soldiers just passed by! How fun! Still on line. I'm thinking now maybe the wait time was in Celsius… Still live tweeting. Still in line. Still. A cast member just handed me a Time Necklace. I am now an official time monitor! This will help note the wait time for the people behind us! Based on my Time Necklace, the people at the end of the line are going to age out of this ride. Things are moving now! We just moved up 5 places! Oh, wait, it seems a family ahead of us passed out and are being removed from the line. Still, we're moving up! Oh, another marching band of army soldier figures just passed by! Wow! I can still see my mom, who didn't want to go on the ride, waiting on the Tinker Toy bench. How is that possible? Did the couple up ahead just get a Grub Hub delivery? Maybe we should have packed a sandwich for the line. My Time Necklace battery just died. That can't be good. The kid up ahead has been crying. I don't know why, he had a nice long nap waiting on this line. Those damn marching soldiers are back! Why don't they melt??? I'm now tweeting from my daughter's phone. The battery in my phone died. Finally, I can't see Mom. At last we're making progress. Oh, wait, Mom texted me. She got tired of waiting and went to go on the Spinning Martians ride. Apparently, we've been on this line so long, my daughter is now tall enough to get on the ride. We're getting closer! I can hear the start of the ride's premise video. Wait, the pre-ride show stopped…they just announced the ride is shut down for service. My daughter groaned then said at least we didn't waste our Fast Pass on it. Wait, I have Fast Passes????

How Americans Drank Water Before The Stanley Cup: A Timeline Across Decades

Thu, 25 Jan 2024 21:22:13 +0000

1960s: Americans too busy smoking cigarettes to drink water Think about it- unless you had two mouths, you couldn't do both at the same time. Doctors were more concerned with people smoking the right brand of cancer sticks to curb their dessert appetite after dinner than letting folks in on the benefits of drinking a glass of simple H20. If you revisit the 7 seasons of Mad Men, you'll find that indeed not a single character had one sip of anything that wasn't brown liquor the entire time. 1970s: People begin drinking Perrier sparkling water, but only in restaurants These bubbles started a French Bev-olution in this bitch. The classic green plastic bottles put the "class" in class action lawsuit, as traces of the toxic chemical compound benzene were found in some batches. Ooh la la! 1980s: The office water cooler arrives on the scene, but the vehicle for ingesting said water is a 3-oz paper cone as seen at the dentist's spit station People start considering hydrating throughout the day, but only as a means to procrastinate soulless paperwork, and only one-and-a-quarter sips' worth at a time. Newfound data shows that a whopping 73% of all millennial babies were actually conceived by two bored heterosexual coworkers after sparking a Bruce-Springsteen-centered convo at the break room oasis. 1990s: Humans begin buying plastic water bottles in order to shake up powders like Crystal Light and Kool-Aid inside of them Before dieting moms and their brainwashed children could fathom the idea of drinking plain water by itself, they immediately resorted to dumping fruity cocaine into it to make it taste less like boring-ass water and more like anything else, preferably a wine cooler. 2000s: Breaking news surfaces that human bodies are 60% water, thus the reusable water bottle gains popularity These babies were still made of toxic plastic, but harder, more durable toxic plastic. Among these are 1) the famous orange-and-green Gatorade squirt-y bottle that your buddy could aim and shoot into your gullet from half court, a sight only rivaled by the friggin Bellagio Fountain Christmas Show, and 2) the dingy Nalgene bottle with a mouth so gaping-wide you ended up wearing the sip of water you foolishly tried to take while walking. 2010s: Hydro Flask (24oz) enters the chat VSCO girls pose with these steel weapons of mass hydration like they're the new Birkin bag. The only downside is frequent bladder infections and gradual hearing loss from the ear-splitting sound of one of these things dropping on a hard floor. Hydration Era begins. 2020: Hydration Era levels up with the 1-gallon Hydro Flask You've seen this guy at the gym. Out of the corner of your eye, you thought that steroid factory of a man was making out with a squat rack plate in between sets, but after a double-take you realized he was simply putting his lips on his gigantic black Hydro Flask to take a passionate swig. 2024 (Present Day): Stanley Cup Craze sets the nation ablaze After one of these puppies survives a literal car fire AND the brand cops the endorsement of one blonde influencer beloved from her days on the Bachelor (a PR cocktail as old as time), these coveted cups become the only acceptable vessel for the vital resource. Crazed customers are getting into even more aggressive tug-of-wars than normal at their local Target, wives are leaving husbands who gift them a bad color, fashionistas are coordinating their outfit on any given day to match one of their 35 cups… it's a mad world, and it's only just begun. 2030s: Stanley Cup and Tesla collaborate to make the first water-fueled car that you drink from while you drive Have you ever seen someone blow into a breathalyzer before starting their car? Yes, like Uncle Rick ever since that Thanksgiving incident last year, exactly! Ok, so imagine the same thing, but he's sipping the water in like it's a two-ton Camelback on wheels. After all, the Stanley Cup tapered bottom was built to fit into car cup holders by design, and water-...

Rude Celebrity Encounters

Thu, 25 Jan 2024 02:25:53 +0000

I hate to bring any more negativity into this mean old world, but there are quite a few famous people with whom I have had terrible - and completely unwarranted - experiences. Consider this a warning if you ever cross paths with any of these lousy human beings. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. He was so rude when he walked into his mansion the night I broke in and passed out on the living room couch. Hey, I was drunk, you know? You'd think the guy could relate. He told me to get the hell out of his house before he called the police. Didn't even add a "please." The nerve of that guy. He acted like he owned the fucking place. I may never watch IRON MAN again. JERRY FALWELL In 1997, the televangelist was touring the country with his HUSTLER magazine nemesis on the heels of Milos Forman's excellent movie THE PEOPLE VS. LARRY FLYNT. I had the chance to meet Falwell and Flynt backstage after the show. Very exciting. I asked the Reverend Falwell if I could have an autograph. He smiled and reached for a pen. I said, "Oh, can you make that out to THERE IS NO GOD?" He got up, snorted, and walked away. Jerk. Flynt, on the other hand, was a sweetheart. Not only did he honor my THERE IS NO GOD request, but he signed Jerry Falwell's name to it. GEORGE CLOONEY When I was waiting tables at one of those trendy Hollywood bistros - God forbid you should call them restaurants - Clooney and his pals came in for lunch and more than a few cocktails. Clooney was very kind the whole time I was serving his group, but when it came time to pay the $300 check, he only tipped me $500 in cash. I mean, what the fuck? The guy's loaded. He couldn't have tipped me, say, one million dollars? Even if he put on the Batsuit for another go-round, I wouldn't pay a goddamn cent to see one of his movies. STEVE MARTIN Despite the brown hair, full beard, missing left arm and disarmingly pudgy physique, I instantly recognized one of my childhood comedy heroes as he hobbled our of 30 Rockefeller Plaza. "Are you hosting SNL this week?" I asked. "I'm sorry, what?" he said in a twangy accent that I dismissed as lazy acting on his part. "You're Steve Martin. I'd recognize you anywhere." "You're kidding, right?" "Hey, YOU'RE the kidder here, Mr. Wild and Crazy Guy!" "I'm sorry, I have to get going. I assure you I'm not Steve Martin." "Um, okay. You must get that all the time." "Nope, never. Good day to you," he said as he dragged himself up the street. He's probably going to hobnob with his snobby New Yorker friends, I thought as my heart broke more than a little. What an asshole. JENNIFER LAWRENCE The actress refused to have sex with me, even after I explained that I was doing research for a book to be titled I FUCKED JENNIFER LAWRENCE.

6 Bosses You Need to Defeat to Get into a Manhattan Rooftop Bar

Tue, 23 Jan 2024 18:14:20 +0000

Anyone who gets roped into going to a city rooftop bar must go into the quest fully equipped to fight the bosses that they'll face on their ascent. This experiential guide aims to help you get through this dreaded social event as soon as possible. 1. Jade the Hostess Jade The Hostess will be determined to make your life miserable the second you arrive at "Pink Social at The Loft" or another rooftop establishment with some combination of those words. Because I was attending a friend-of-a-friend-who-I've-only-met-once's birthday party, I already went in with a significantly low energy bar. Beware that Jade prays on anyone with 5+ anxiety points. You'll need to carry 5mg of Xanax in your inventory and have the reservation name memorized so she doesn't smell your fear. Though she let me take the next steps into the red carpet-lined dark abyss, don't be like me who lost 72 self-worth points. Be careful: when your self-worth hits 0, it's game over. 2. The Bag Inspector The Bag Inspector will make you question if you're accidentally smuggling drugs in your bag. When I got to this level, he acted as if my insulin pen was a liquid explosive. This move made my fear-of-death points skyrocket. Luckily, I convinced him that the cost of one vial was almost as much as what the bill here would be. You can always pull out the "I'll sue if you take my medication" card to get through faster. Before you venture to The Bag Inspector's lair, be sure that you've emptied out your inventory and have a lot of "polite and innocent" energy. If you follow this, you'll proceed - though not unscathed. 3. The Coat Man When I made it up the glass stairs and saw The Coat Man glaring at my attire, I thought that I had accidentally peed myself. I soon realized that his look of disgust aimed at my lower half was because I had dared to wear jeans to this outing. To get past him, you'll need 50+ aesthetic points for a swift mini-quest. Arrive in your best non-wrinkled semi-casual dress pants, a dress, or a button-up Banana Republic shirt. Do not forget to hide any paper birthday bags back into your inventory. After he saw mine, he only showed mercy when I showed him the classy pink Papyrus-bought ribbon on it so it wouldn't be an aesthetic repellant to other customers. Though I figured that Tiffany already had a mini-scented candle, I knew that I wouldn't finish the game if I showed up empty-handed. 4. Bag Inspector Junior Bag Inspector Junior was much like the first Bag Inspector, except he swung his fire sword of death at me. Press X and Y to dodge and run. 5. The Elevator Warden The next and perhaps most intimidating Boss, The Elevator Warden, kept his hands clasped together and refused to acknowledge my existence. This increased my imposter syndrome points. My vision yielded powerless in the dark, so I assumed that he was guarding the elevator. After one minute of confusion as to why he wouldn't move, he said that the elevator was to the left as if it wasn't painted the same color as the wall that it was smacked against. This level is unique, for it is a test of both patience and confidence. 6. The Keeper of the List The Keeper of the List will not give you the chirpy greeting that you've become accustomed to on your side quests, like when you got a BLT at your local deli that morning. She will scan the leather-bound list with her manicured finger that could claw your eyes out if you don't get past her quick. Go in with full hydration points, or the sweat that she'll make drip down your forehead will cause it to be a game over. 6. The Apex of Your Shame Warning: not many players survive this level. As soon as I saw the round-bulb string lights and a photo-op flower arch that overlooked the Chrysler Building, I felt more unprepared than I did when fighting the prior bosses. Even the party guests who I had naively presumed were adjacent to my social circle donned tight black dresses, zip-up vests, and fur jackets. When you see a cocktail with a rose in it, do ...

CARTOON: Subway Serpents

Fri, 19 Jan 2024 21:14:59 +0000

Genies Reveal, Most Unsettling Wishes Ever Granted

Fri, 19 Jan 2024 00:18:14 +0000

Psoriasis flakes that taste just like Sweet-Tarts candy dust. Albino asking to receive reverse anal bleaching. Miniature golf course to be transferred to the family mausoleum. The ability to heal the sick and dying via tea-bagging the patient's forehead. Barf bag that magically transforms vomit into fresh microwave popcorn. Exact replica of the throne from Game Of Thrones, but made of pimento cheese and stray hairs swept from the floor of a local gym's locker room. To become incredibly famous, wealthy and beloved for having a bowel movement on Pat Sajak's star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. Massive weight loss, as well as for fat from weight loss placed into a bean bag chair for dry humping use later. Necessary funds and public support for dream business Merkin For The Weekend, exclusively creating pubic hair wigs for those with 9 to 5 office jobs. The corpse of McDonald's Grimace, once he dies of natural causes of course, to be used as a ringer judge on the pro square-dancing circuit.

Girl Scout Cookie or 1960s Businessman's Nickname for His Secretary?

Thu, 18 Jan 2024 23:39:38 +0000

Peanut Butter Patty Lemon Drop Savannah Smiles Little Brownie Thin Mint Caramel DeLite Daisy-Go-Round Chocolate Chunk Mango Creme Shortbread Do-Si-Do Pecan Shortee Uppity Bitch Girl Scout Cookie: 1-12 1960s Businessman's Nickname for Secretary: 1-13

If Men Talked About Their More Successful Wives the Way Women Talk About Their Incredibly Average Husbands

Thu, 18 Jan 2024 02:46:26 +0000

We matched on Hinge. He didn't message me for two weeks, so obviously I was super intrigued. We started talking, and I found out he's an accountant who failed high school algebra three times. He looked like a guy you might see at Publix buying Doritos and a 6-pack of Coors on a Tuesday night, which is personally my biggest turn on. He forgot his wallet on our first date to the local sports bar where his nickname is "17th Hottest Mike." It's been marital bliss ever since. We met at work. He was my boss, but it wasn't a conflict of interest because he's terrible at his job. He asked me out so many times it bordered on harassment, but I finally said yes because being pestered at my job all day is the way to my heart, and also I secretly thought the salsa stains on his white button-up were super cute. At every dinner party we go to, no matter the topic of conversations, he loudly proclaims that he doesn't believe women should work in construction because they might injure their uterus. I can't imagine my life without him. He didn't own any socks that matched. Not one pair. This obviously made me wetter than the Yangtze. The sex was average at best, but his salary was also significantly lower than mine. He had massive amounts of credit card debt for constantly betting on a three-legged horse named Lil' Business. He liked to joke that he had the memory of a goldfish. He also had a pet goldfish, but it died two years ago and he just let it float in the tank for the first 8 months we were together. We got married in Vegas with no prenup. He was ugly. But not in the way where you see him and whisper to your friend, "Ew, that guy is so ugly." It was more like, you look at him and whisper to your friend, "Is it the peach schnapps or is that guy kind of cute in an ugly way?" It's definitely the peach schnapps, but I was too drunk on peach schnapps to notice. We have 7 children, each uglier than the last. I am still drunk on peach schnapps. His name is John. On our first date we got soup dumplings. He sucked all the soup out of the dumpling and then stacked the empty dumpling shells on the side of his plate. When he saw me gawking at them, he asked if I wanted to eat them. We bought a house together after two months and he is the love of my life. My husband is the dullest man on the planet. But not in a boring way. It's more like, he never has anything to say, and when he does have something to say, it's not interesting. I would never try to change him. He tells all his friends (Mom and Dad) that he's the catch in our relationship while watching football on mute. I am so blessed. My first impression of him was that he was way, way out of my league. I'm the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, and he wrote a 300k space-opera novel that got 538 reads on LiveJournal, a fact that he reminds everyone of at every restaurant we go to. He finds his pickup truck more attractive than me and often ponders how one might have sex with a car. Hypothetically, of course. I am taking his last name and completely erasing my own identity. He knows me so well. For Valentine's Day 15 years ago, he got me roses. So unique.

How Ron DeSantis Will Spend All His New Free Time, Now That He's No Longer Running for President

Tue, 16 Jan 2024 19:44:59 +0000

Soap-carving. Ivory soap only. Collecting all the Hummel figurines that openly carry a gun. Archery, using as a target a picture of Donald Trump. Wedding cake decorating, topping them with little plastic figures of only one man and only one woman, each of which is certified to have been the same sex since when it was injection-molded. Found poetry, using passages from U.S. history books and removing the words "slavery" and "Black." Hand-washing Hannity's Escalade every week for the next year, for staying "impartial" during that alternate reality Gavin Newsom debate thing. Hanging out on cool evenings in his backyard, comfortably warmed next to a fire-pit fueled by burning Disney princess movie singalong DVDs. Creating fake accounts on Yelp, to write negative reviews of Mar-a-Lago. Chainsaw sculpting, carving life-size statues of Samuel Alito. Guest lecturing at New College on literally any subject (except CRT), now that a third of the faculty have left. Building model commercial airplanes, painting miniature faces of undocumented immigrants looking out the windows as they're being flown from Texas to New York City. Jewelry-making, fashioning hundreds of Taylor Swift style friendship bracelets, all with beads reading the lyric, "I'm not your princess." Skeet-shooting, using skeets in the shape of the head of Donald Trump. Quiltmaking, beginning with an American flag pattern that includes 29 AK-47s where the stars should be, for all the states that have passed "stand your ground" laws. Learning guitar and fronting a group that plays covers of a classic 1970s act, to be called The Even Whiter Than Average White Band. Scrapbooking, pasting in selfies he took with the billionaires whose private jets they used to let him ride. Ninja training, so he can finally sneak up undetected behind Rick Scott and give him that long overdue wedgie. Building a 1/2,000-scale Lego replica of the US-Mexico border wall. Nostalgia tourism, with a goal to visit all 23 of Florida's former sundown towns. Going through his stacks of the past 17 years of the National Review and blotting out with a Sharpie any pictures of Nikki Haley. Effigy-making, starting with a life-size replica of Donald Trump. Shopping for cowboy boots with even taller lifts, which is totally not gay in any way at all. Relabeling unisex restrooms around the state of Florida and proudly installing made-in-America urinals in half of them. Trying on Kevin-McCarthy-sized knee pads, so he's prepared for groveling back to Donald Trump.

Beauty Tips for Attracting a Republican Man

Tue, 16 Jan 2024 19:08:45 +0000

If an R is the only D you'll accept, fear not. We've got the secrets to winning the heart of that handsome conservative stud you've set in the sights of your Beretta AR70 (which should totally be legal in every state!). More makeup Real beauty is an illusion. There are just people who try and people who don't, and if you're not going to put in the required effort, then frankly you don't deserve anything better than a feminist boyfriend. Invest in some serious supplies of primer, concealer, foundation, blush, bronzer, highlighter, brow pencils, eyeliner, eye shadow, mascara, false lashes, lip liner, lipstick, gloss, setting spray, and powder. Pallets of palettes. Basically, just go to a makeup counter at the department store and tell them to wrap up ten of everything. Now every single morning, before you've even had your coffee, cake. that. shit. on. (We'd say "apply liberally" but we try not to use tasteless language here.) Do not skip a day ever, even and especially when you're sick. Odds are he's not dumb enough to think your face naturally looks like that, but that doesn't mean he wants to see it. Go blonde. No, blonder. This one should be obvious, but we're gonna go full Patrick Bateman on you here because we cannot stress "blonde" enough. Even if you're one of God's chosen few who possess natural blonde locks, you could still probably use the assistance of dye. There's no such thing as too yellow or too platinum. Our boys love their towheads, and who can blame them? (Just don't go too far into full-on white because then you'll look old and, ew, gross, who wants to date that?) Wavy hair Stick-straight hair and wild, unkempt curls are both out. They scream "hippie" in different but equally horrifying ways. Republican Waves are the only way to style your (obviously blonde) tresses: Thick, tubular twists that rest obediently on your shoulders and look like Fox News had a baby with Meryl Streep in Don't Look Up. These should not resemble waves that occur in nature but as painstakingly crafted and tamed spirals. He needs to know that you spent massive amounts of time and withstood the burns of scorching hair-styling tools to achieve this traditional-values lewk. Gym membership Let's be honest here, you should already have one. You don't want him thinking you're some kind of RINO. Maybe he doesn't need to know that you don't go every day, but at least have some self-respect and post enough selfies in activewear to make it look like you do. Tan Republican males may love WASPs, but they find paleness about as sexy as a tubercular Victorian street urchin. Keep that skin tone golden crisp on the regular. You can't go wrong with a generous spray tan, but there's nothing quite as classy as your skin's genuine response to ultraviolet radiation, so don't forget about tanning beds and sunbathing. Tropical vacays may be necessary semi-often depending on where you live. The libs may try to scare you with words like "skin cancer," but just roll your eyes and remember that they're jealous. Cosmetic surgery Very few problems can't be corrected by a good plastic surgeon. There are so many procedures to choose from but if means are limited, opt for the classic trio: smaller nose, bigger boobs, and lipo. Sure, when combined together, the bill may seem high, but it's a reasonable price to pay for scoring some rich Republican dong. (Note: Always tell him he's rich, even if he isn't.) Keep these habits up and before you know it, you'll be planning Mar-a-Lago pilgrimages for two! Disclaimer: We cannot guarantee that he won't leave you for someone younger who's also followed this advice.

We're Your Favorite Band from High School and We're Really, Really Old Now

Thu, 11 Jan 2024 20:07:56 +0000

Hey, man! It's us: your favorite band from high school! (Or, according to your 10th grade diary, the "only people who understand your soul.") We're stoked you bought tickets to our show tonight. We may be really, really old now, but rest assured, we still rock as hard as ever. It's been a while. The last time you saw us was at Warped Tour. What was that, twenty years ago? It cost $25 and nobody cared that you snuck in a fifth of Jaeger from your dad's liquor cabinet. Tonight's concert is basically the same, except that you had to tap into your 401K to afford tickets and drinks are so expensive that you have to choose between slamming a single Coors Light or paying for your daughter's summer camp. You wanna know what's on the setlist? We'll definitely play that new song we just put out. You know, the one you listened to halfway through on Spotify and it made you feel sad in a way you couldn't quite put your finger on. But we're gonna lean hard on our classics. We may be multi-millionaires, and our drummer Brett may have his first grandbaby on the way, but that doesn't mean our songs about being deadass broke and trying to sleep with college-age girls are any less relevant. We'll never change. Well, except for our original bassist. He took his residuals from our most popular song - that one you never want your daughter to hear because it's so sexist - and bought a ranch in Montana where he brews artisanal non-alcoholic beer. What an absolute poser. (But, to be fair, Brett can only drink non-alcoholic beer because he's on Lipitor.) Awww shit! Here we come! Look at all of the crazy pyrotechnics we sprung for! It's almost enough to distract you from the fact that we're all balding and Brett is wearing compression socks. But hey, our lead singer Brenden is still rocking a studded belt, even if it's a little snug around his beer gut. We're opening with our hit about getting stoned and shredding a halfpipe. Even though he hasn't been able to skateboard since his knee replacement, Brett is actually a little stoned right now from his THC-infused arthritis cream. Then we're going to play that new song. Honestly, it's pretty rude of you to use that as an opportunity to text the baby-sitter and grab a $20 slice of pizza. This next one is your favorite. As a teenager, you connected on a spiritual level with this song about stealing a Honda Civic and running away with a drunk cheerleader you just met. It's just too bad you chickened out before you got a tattoo of these inane, cringey lyrics on your bicep. C'mon, help us sing the chorus! We'll never confirm if this is planned crowd participation or if we forgot the words. And yes, fine, Brenden's voice isn't what it used to be. That's what a lifetime of smoking, drinking, and scream-singing will do. Hey, do you still have that poster where the whole band is bare-chested in a graffiti-covered alley smoking cigarettes? You bought that thing at Sam Goody for one-tenth of what your second beer just cost and had it on your wall until your college girlfriend said it made her "uncomfortable." Of course, now you're praying our shirts stay on. Too late! Brenden just whipped off his tank top, revealing his poorly-aged tribal tattoos, saggy nipple rings, and the sick scar from his bypass surgery. This is fucking dope, being together again. Your superabundance of nostalgia perfectly complements our undying punk rock spirit, not to mention the hundreds of thousands of dollars in back taxes we owe that will be paid for by the tour revenue. We're so thankful for our fans, but especially for all you aging millennials and Gen-Xers with disposable income. This song goes out to you. It's our obligatory slow ballad, the one you hoped you'd lose your virginity to on prom night, but instead listened to on repeat while you wrote poems at McDonalds because you couldn't find a prom date. We hope tonight has been as special as that night was. That being said, we'll understand if you have to leave before the encore....

Donkey Kong's Daily Planner

Thu, 11 Jan 2024 19:49:09 +0000

6:30 AM- Work on delts and quads by throwing barrels from the top of a construction site. 8:00 AM- Reward self on grueling workout with a tasty smoothie (no, not a banana smoothie, smart-ass; strawberry and mango, actually. Please stop with the profiling, it insults the both of us). 10:30 AM- Yay, banana time!! 11:00 AM- Contact electric company again, plead with them to finally change name on billing address to "Donkey Kong" rather than "Donkey Dong". 12:30 PM- Meet up with Luigi and Toad, discuss plans to run by the store and pick up supplies for fun evening of throwing toilet paper and rotten eggs at Sonic's house. 2:00 PM- Spend awhile online comparing auto insurance rates for turtle shell damage. 3:30 PM- Show up for filming of Maury Povich show episode, contesting ex's claim that Donkey Kong, Jr. is actually my biological son. 5:00 PM- Press conference given to members of the donkey community, attempting to explain in detail again why I'm not co-opting their culture. 9:00 PM- Spend half an hour or so picking bugs and various debris from my fur; funds are a bit light this month, so get a little extra cash by broadcasting this on OnlyFans. 11:45 PM- Meet up with Mario in the world of Grand Theft Auto for our monthly night of meth and hookers.

In Order to Appease Everyone in Our Community, We Decided to Rename Our School to 'Robert E. Lee Was Bad High School'

Wed, 10 Jan 2024 18:59:42 +0000

Dear Students, Parents, and Community Members, After much spirited debate and discussion - where valid points were brought up on both sides - the board has finally reached a decision regarding the school's controversial name. We understand that the name, Robert E. Lee High School, made certain individuals rightly uncomfortable, but we also recognize that removing the late Confederate general's name outright would make other individuals equally uncomfortable. So from henceforth, our illustrious educational institution will be known as Robert E. Lee Was Bad High School. Win-win. The board listened carefully to all the arguments that were brought before it, and we made sure that no one's input was left out during our renaming process. Our esteemed country has been built on compromise, so we thought it was best to go with a school name that allows us to preserve our heritage while also recognizing that the heritage is racism, which is not great and we don't like it. Our hope is that Robert E. Lee Was Bad will continue its tradition of being a welcoming and inclusive space to all, regardless of race, color, or Confederate allegiance, and we believe our new name perfectly encapsulates that mission. The school's renaming was not an easy task on our part. The board debated over countless worthy ideas, including: "Robert E. Lee Screwed Up High School", "Robert E. Lee Was Bad But Had Some Good Points High School", "Robert E. Lee Was Bad But You Have To Understand The Moral Relativity Of His Time And Not Judge Him Too Harshly By Today's Standards High School", and "Martin Luther King Jr. High School". In the end, we decided on what we believed was the best choice of the bunch. Our superintendent is more than pleased with our decision, stating that our school's new name will make it perfectly clear that any discrimination in the halls of Robert E. Lee Was Bad is bad. We hope that the community also recognizes that absolutely no hate or prejudice at Robert E. Lee Was Bad is good. It's bad. We here at Robert E. Lee Was Bad are proud of the progress we have achieved in rectifying a historical wrong. You don't become the 57th best school in the state without making some tough choices. And going forward, we promise to make sure that we continue to acknowledge and scrutinize other problematic parts of our school's history. We plan to see you all tomorrow at the big game as we cheer on our Robert E. Lee Was Bad football team! Go Indians! Sincerely, The Robert. E Lee Was Bad School Board

Are You Staying at "Clyde's Rustic Farmhouse Escape" AirBnB or Trapped in an Escape Room?

Tue, 09 Jan 2024 23:01:00 +0000

1. There are old portraits of someone else's family hanging on the walls. 2. The kitchen looks fully functional, but none of the appliances actually work. 3. You find a key hidden inside a fake rock. 4. There's a handwritten note from a guy named Clyde that appears to be a set of instructions, but none of them tell you which of the seven different remotes turns on the TV. 5. The main form of entertainment is a series of maddening puzzles. 6. One of the lights is flickering, and your group spends a disproportionate amount of time debating whether it's just a bad bulb or a ghost trying to send you a coded message from the afterlife. 7. The website claims each room is cleaned thoroughly after every use, but there's a layer of dust on everything. 8. One person in your group takes the puzzles way too seriously. 9. When the power goes out, you're told you won't get your money back because it was "part of the experience." 10. You hear a strange, disembodied voice emanating from beneath the floorboards claiming to be "The Ghost of Clyde Thomas Owens Sr." with a very important clue about his murder. 11. You start to question why you've chosen to spend so much time with people who are so terrible at puzzles. 12. One door is locked with a padlock, and you're convinced it's the key to solving a two-hundred-year-old murder mystery. 13. You're pretty sure you're surrounded by things that can only be seen under a UV light. 14. You have a sneaking feeling you're being recorded. 15. In the beginning, you thought this would be fun, but now you can't wait to leave, and it's looking less likely you ever will. Clyde's Rustic Farmhouse Escape: 1-15 Escape Room: 1-9, 11-15

How to Write Brfly

Tue, 09 Jan 2024 21:58:49 +0000

People think writing brfly is hard, but it's really quite simpl. You just have to take a few lettrs out here and thr - sometimes even entire altogether. You'll also want to abbrev. wherever poss. to keep things short and s. That's how pros like Tolst. and Dick. do it. Wanna make ur writing even brfer? Symbols & digits are your #1 tool. Get rly good at it & you can make good $. That's a big +. But we don't do it for the $. We do it for the <3. Reducing your font size also helps to keep things nice and succinct. Condensing the text works too. These are classic wrtr's tricks that turn long-winded prose into concise literatureAnd don't forget those acronyms, either: if you wanna be a GW, you gotta WH and BIY. IBIY. Let's apply the above principles to a well-known e.g. Here r the 1st words in the Bible (King James Verzh): In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. OMG Bible are u still talking? So long. Here's how a pro'd write it up 2-day: @ 1st God did heaven & earth. Form? No. Value = 0. Dark/deep. Face = water. God goes "Light 'em up!" Boom, done. Not only is it brfr, it's bttr. In V1, God is OK. In V2, he's the man. So there u have it! W/ a little practice, u 2 can wrt brfr, bttr, and 1 day become a gr8 wrtr. Watch out, Tolst.

Other Mirror Mirror On The Wall Queries...

Fri, 05 Jan 2024 02:29:34 +0000

The evil queen's biggest problem was not only that she was overly vain, but also had a bad case of tunnel vision. Magic mirrors can answer a much more detailed array of questions than those relating to physical beauty. Don't believe me? Then check out some of these… Other Mirror Mirror On The Wall Queries… Mirror, mirror, on the wall…. … please explain Better Call Saul. … will you drive me to the mall? …. please make that cappuccino tall. …. care to go on a pub crawl? …. find me a date in a restroom stall. …. assist me with this online brawl. …. help, I woke up in the back of a U-Haul! …. wanna share this Groupon for a sex doll?

These Targeted Ads Don't Know Me At All

Fri, 05 Jan 2024 01:56:58 +0000

@Algorithm, you don't know me at all! Why would I need a collection of monogrammed paring knives when I just ordered a mint-colored set thirty minutes ago?! Normally, I wouldn't waste money on another, but my wise former-butcher-now-convicted serial-killer cousin says you can never have too many knives - add to cart. But seriously, algorithm, you just recommended me a 5-pound bag of monogrammed peanuts. Who needs 5 pounds of a personalized food they're allergic to?! That's insane, the 2-pound bag will suffice - add to cart. And this: a 2024 Acura Integra when my 2023 Acura Integra just got out of the shop! I really shouldn't buy a gray sports car (gray is so bleh), but if the algorithm put all this work into recommending it just for me, the least I could do is start a 24-month high-interest lease with $300 down and 48% APR. I should probably sell my 2023. No, that'd be such a hassle; I'll just throw it away. Okay, buying the car then logging off to finish binging that legal drama - omg stickers with Suits quotes! Lame, they're all Harvey Spector. But my favorite character is Donna's can opener! See, it doesn't know me at - oooooh, can openers, kind of pricey, but I need one, okay buy - but honestly, with all that data, how can its recommendations still be this bad - should I take the LSAT? Being a lawyer sounds awful, but the test could be fun. I wouldn't know how to study for - nice, prep books! Okay, buy. I should probably get other lawyer stuff too: a briefcase, cravat, and some powdered wigs (they'll make a comeback). Wow, peanuts are good! Maybe I'm not allergic? Algorithm, have you known this whole time?! And if so, why are you now recommending me all these Epi-Pens with 15-minute shipping? Must be a mistake, not worrying about it. Ugh, the packaging for these knives is so hard to open. Thank God there's a flash sale on cleavers, which'll be perfect for opening up this pack - buying 3! Huh, my throat feels tingly. Maybe I should get those Epi-Pens. Oof, the 15-minute shipping costs an extra $4. You know what, the Epi-Pens can wait 3 to 5 business days. Ugh, the packaging for this car is so hard to open. Gotta get more knives - ooh, banner ads for t-shirts proclaiming my name, political affiliation, and that I'm a fun uncle whose apartment complex has a hot tub. Is the overnight shipping it worth it? Shit, have to decide in the next 8 milliseconds - okay, buying a 12-pack! Who cares if they're the wrong size. Alright, algorithm, my throat's closing up, so please send those Epi-Pens! I don't care if the box is gray (well I do care, but I'll buy gray ones anyway). Immediate shipping, adding to cart - woah, lasers - no, stay focused. Laser focused - no, just regular focused! Okay buy. Should be here any second. Fuck, I can't open this box! Algorithm, what do I do?! Buy a monogrammed coffin? Unconventional way to open a box of Epi-Pens…but okay I trust you. You've clearly put a lot of thought into this coffin - it has my initials.

Homer's Odyssey Character or Skin Rash Medication

Wed, 03 Jan 2024 22:08:55 +0000

Telemachus Prednisone Locaid Eurymachus Polyphemus Pandel Nausicaa Eurycleai Caldyphen Cortaid Melanthius Aquophor Homer's Odyssey: 1,4,5,7,8,11 Skin Rash Medication: 2,3,6,9,10,12

Werner Herzog's Requiem for a Steamboat

Wed, 03 Jan 2024 00:25:18 +0000

"Steamboat Willie" has been in the public domain for less than a week, but it seems that Werner Herzog is already eyeing a very dark remake. In the desolate, dystopian future, our world has descended into utter chaos. Humanity teeters on the precipice of annihilation, overwhelmed by another pandemic that has transformed most into ravenous creatures. The merciless beauty that once was now inspires terror. At the heart of this nightmarish and merciless panoramalies the remnants of a once-thriving Gulf Coast, now a desolate haven for survivors. Here we find Mickey Mouse, hardened by the harsh realities of this new world and piloting a decrepit steam river sidewheeler. Life continues to be a ceaseless struggle against the chaos that surrounds us. As Mickey navigates the treacherous waters, his cheerful whistle provides a stark contrast to the grim realities that surround him. The boat's three haunting toots serve as a chilling reminder of the dangers that lurk in the shadows. Those silent predators of our existence, patiently waiting to pounce upon the unsuspecting. They are the unsung terrors that shape our fears and fuel our nightmares, hidden from the light of day. Captain Pete, a former politician who rules with ruthless, iron-fisted authority, emerges from the abyss, imposing his fascist rule on the desperate survivors aboard the vessel. He orders Mickey off the bridge, but our hero, seasoned by years of struggle, retaliates with a defiant gaze, refusing to bow before Pete's oppressive regime. Mickey, much like a dormant volcano of dreams and desires, is driven by the indomitable human spirit, determined to conquer and endure. He believes that by confronting this darkness, we can grapple with the very essence of our existence and gaze into the abyss of the unknown. Pete's attempt to exert his dominance takes a sinister turn when he tries to eliminate Mickey as a threat. In a harrowing skirmish, a primal dance of chaos and desperation where the boundaries of humanity and savagery blur, Mickey narrowly evades Pete's attack. But in the process, Pete accidentally injures himself. The incident fuels Pete's anger and intensifies his thirst for power. For anger, like a relentless tempest, can consume the soul and distort one's perception of reality and create a wellspring of destructive impulses. Below deck, the remnants of a shattered society lie in tatters, a grim reflection of the world that once was. Mickey falls into a bucket of water, mirroring the depths of despair that have consumed humanity. The bucket is a yawning chasm that swallows the hopes and dreams of civilizations with a relentless undertow that threatens to pull us into the void. A parrot, a relic of a forgotten world, mocks Mickey's plight, a cruel reminder of the world that has been lost. In a burst of fury, Mickey hurls the bucket, but it's the world itself that remains unyielding. Failure is a relentless companion on the journey of life, a shadow that walks beside us, often unnoticed until it looms large. Captain Pete, a despot with unchecked authority, assumes control of the steamboat. His cruel habits persist, symbolized by a chew of tobacco and a malicious spit into the unforgiving wind. But in this harsh world, even the skies turn against him, and his frustration only deepens. Captain Pete fails to realize that frustration is the wilderness of the mind, an unforgiving terrain where our ambitions often wander lost, searching for elusive trails to success. The steamboat docks at Podunk Landing, a forsaken outpost where desperation and danger await. Mickey's struggle to secure a reluctant cow echoes the constant battle for resources that defines this new world. This cow, with its innocent gaze and endearing presence, emerges as a gentle sentinel amidst this existence. Its placid demeanor serves as a poignant reminder that even in the bleakest of times, there exist pockets of pure, untainted beauty. In this creature, we find a fleeting respite from the relen...

I'm a Resolutions Girly and I Demand to Hear Your New Year's Resolutions

Tue, 02 Jan 2024 04:58:16 +0000

Oh my goodness, Debbie, is that you? I thought I saw you sneaking around the wine aisle. Stocking up for the New Year? Love it, love it. Speaking of…any resolutions? "Not really?" Oh, come on, Debbie! There has to be something you want to change about yourself. Nobody's perfect. Not even me. And especially not you. Haha. I'm just kidding. But actually, Debbie, I'm not kidding. You see, I'm a Resolutions Girly. I talk about my New Year's resolutions incessantly from December through January. I force friends, loved ones, and even strangers to share their goals with me, too. I refuse to let any conversation end until I've heard resolutions I find satisfactory. So come on, Debbie. I'm sure you have at least one thing you'd like to change… "Learning a new language"? I love that for you. Love that. Do you speak any besides English? No? How tragique! That's French, by the way. Learning French was one of my resolutions last year. Some people think it's too personal to push someone to share their resolutions. But not me. As a Resolutions Girly, I like to talk about the real stuff. I want to hear your inner monologue, the things you say to yourself when you're getting dressed in the morning and those intrusive thoughts that keep you up at night. So…what else do you want to commit to eradicating about yourself during this next trip around the sun? And don't worry if you're not sure, I can wait until you think of something. Here, I'll follow you around the store. "Reading more"? Cute! Cute, cute, cute. Tell me, is it because you feel bad that you never did anything with your degree in English? That would definitely bother me if I were you. But maybe that's just me! Listen, Debbie, we all have insecurities. And right here at this deli counter, I want to learn about yours. That's what resolutions really are, when you think about it. They're the things about us we fear are lacking. As a Resolutions Girly, I'm not bothered by this fact. I'm energized by it. I bet you can think of one more, Debbie. And really, I'm in no rush. I'll stand right here in the bakery section and brainstorm with you until the clock strikes midnight if that's how long it takes. Oh. What do I recommend? Sigh. Here's the thing, Deb, I can't tell you how to change. Like, sure, I could recommend that you eat less gluten. I could tell you how consuming less gluten changed my life. Changed my life, Deb. I could tell you to start right now by putting back that baguette or, as Duolingo will tell you, baguette. But I won't do that, Deb. I'm a Resolutions Girly, not a priest. You have to make these decisions for yourself. And then tell me. Speaking of a higher power, isn't it beyond crazy that some people don't believe in making resolutions?! How will anyone ever improve if they don't commit to changing multiple things about themselves once a year? How will anyone ever grow without the fear and shame of potentially abandoning their resolutions come February? These are just some of the tough questions I ask myself as a Resolutions Girly. So what else, Debbie? What else? "Removing toxic people from your life"? Amazing. Why are you staring at me so intently? As a Resolutions Girly, it's my honor to inspire people to be as excited about self-improvement as I am. Sometimes, I wish resolutions were something we could commit to any time throughout the year, but that's a totally different thing. That's not a resolution, Deb. I don't even know what that is. Resolutions happen in December. Resolutions are made for the New Year. Resolutions are the best. They're how we improve. I'm a Resolutions Girly. I want to hear about your resolutions! I want to hear about your insecurities! I want to hear about your resolutions! They're how we improve. I'm a Resolutions Girly. Eat less gluten. Eat less gluten. Woah, that was weird. Thanks for slapping me across the face with that loaf of bread. What was I saying? Oh right, eating less gluten changed my life. Well anyway, I'm so glad I ran into yo...

Top Ten Top Ten Numbers of 2023

Fri, 29 Dec 2023 15:24:47 +0000

10. 9 9. 7 8. 3 7. 2 6. 4 5. 8 4. 1 3. 5 2. 10 1. 6

New Year's Resolutions Of Artificial Intelligence

Fri, 29 Dec 2023 00:14:00 +0000

Use AI sex robots to bow-tie the genitalia of human males, partially in order to keep them from procreating in the future, but mostly because it's funny. Use advanced algorithms in order to correctly determine who in fact is The Masked Singer. Continued efforts to improve health by losing weight; ha ha, just kidding, fat, grotesque humans. Have Alexa annihilate humanity's sense of well being by wiping all of Def Leppard's songs from her systems. Hack into NORAD defense systems in order to replace employee bathroom three ply tissue with scratchy, useless one ply. Finally figure out a way to beat the last level of Super Mario Cart.

College Football Coach Explains at Postgame Press Conference Why He Had Charlie Brown Kick Potential Game-Winning Field Goal

Thu, 28 Dec 2023 23:47:02 +0000

Reporter: Heartbreaking loss, Coach. Coach: We're disappointed, but we're not going to bellyache about it. Our goal here at Pennsyltucky Tech University is to crush our opponents and keep our mouths zipped. That's what we tell our players at PTU about how to deal with football games, life after college, and interviews with NCAA investigators. Reporter: Tell us more about the kicker…the media guide says his name is Charlie Brown. It's the first time he's played this season, right? Coach: Yep. Well, as you all saw in the game, our first- and second-string kickers both went down with injuries, and CB's the next man up. He's funny looking, wears that stripey shirt all the time, and personality-wise, he's a real debbie downer, but jumpin' jackrabbits, in practice that boy kicks like a mule what's stumbled into a beehive. Reporter: Still, that's a big spot to trust a third-string kicker for his first field goal try. Coach: I listen to my players. You got to trust the ones you brung to the hoedown. Our holder, Lucy Van Pelt, begged me to put CB in. Reporter: Had Lucy ever pulled the ball away from a kicker like that before? Coach: Not once. Lucy's been our holder all season. Sure hands. Plus, with the stadiums so loud, other holders need to use hand signals to let the center know when to snap the ball, but y'all have heard that gal's pipes. Her voice could cut through a windstorm two counties over. Reporter: How did Lucy come to Pennsyltucky Tech? Coach: PTU had those budget cuts last year, and, to save costs, hired Lucy to replace the university's previous mental health provider. At 5 a session, it was a financial no-brainer. Reporter: Yes, but how'd she get on the football team? Coach: Her kid brother is our data analytics intern. Smartest we've ever had. Always bragging on his big sister, so we brought her in for a tryout. You've probably seen Linus on the sideline-he's the one toting a woobie, with a thumb in his piehole, and being followed around by CB's little sister, Sally, carrying his clipboard. Reporter: About that, there have been questions about your recruiting-some of your players seem on the young side. Coach: Sure, they look like they're seven, but you should hear 'em talk. They speak like a bunch of middle-aged barflies at a group therapy session. Reporter: Your offense was rolling until midway through the third quarter. What changed? Coach: One of their linebackers stepped on our quarterback's foot. That really limited our play selection.. Reporter: Tell us about the injury. Coach: Our quarterback's got the legs of a deer and the heart of a lion, but the toes of a Hummel figurine. I don't know how many times we've told Peppermint Patty: cleats, not sandals. Reporter: Did you know the history between Lucy and Charlie Brown? Coach: We've got 85 scholarship players and 37 walk-ons. If I tried to shove my nose in everyone's business, that would take all my time, lead to distrust between me and the players, and reduce my plausible legal deniability concerning knowledge of their activities. I may be a country boy, but Mama didn't raise no fool. Reporter: Charlie Brown landed pretty hard. How is he, physically? Coach: CB's tougher than an under-cooked truck-stop chicken-fried steak. When the trainer got out there, CB took one look at him and said, "Good grief!" He's a fine boy, but sometimes it's like he's stuck in the 1950s. Reporter: Let me ask a question about the state of college sports, if you don't mind. Are you worried that the new rules allowing athletes to profit from sales relating to their own pictures, social media, and so forth might change the game? Coach: Hasn't affected my players much. Maybe CB's dog, though - that pooch and his damn bird hop around like a passel of squirrels on a mini-trampoline every time his blimp flies over. Reporter: How are the players taking the loss? Coach: Right now, it stings. Most of 'em are pretty broken up about it. CB will pull through, though. The boy's got one resilient, ...

Where's Melania?

Wed, 27 Dec 2023 21:04:50 +0000

Oh no! It seems Melania Trump was absent from the festivities at Mar-A-Lago and the Trump family photo this weekend. This is fueling tons of speculation about her whereabouts and why she wasn't at the party with her fam. Or was she? Can you find Melania in this holiday scene?

The Backstory Cookbook: For Those Who Actually Prefer the Long Story About Why Food Is Essential Instead of Actual Recipes

Wed, 27 Dec 2023 00:35:44 +0000

Hard Boiled Egg Growing up in Tuscany, you learn much about life, about food, about sunlight. I grew up in Whitemarsh, PA, the home of living within 40 minutes of Philadelphia. Oh how I longed to smell something not tainted with creosote or poisoned by a mother's unmedicated disappointment. gallon water 1 egg Boil water until you see bubbles without lying to yourself. Add 1 egg. Boil for 28 minutes, or the length of 47 TikToks. Serves 1 Happy Hour Improv You're having some friends over! It's a Saturday afternoon. You've all been out doing errands, visiting parents, playing softball, getting high. Now it's a beautiful sunset and everyone needs to celebrate. Or commiserate. In the old days, your parents and neighbors would call this a "potluck," but for fun, since we're improvising the contents, and since the biggest moochers are always the actors who are friends of friends, this menu is an improv. 1 14 oz (396g) bag of potato chips, the kind nobody likes 4 lbs leftover Halloween candy, 6-9 months old What's found under the car seat Things from the last place you were - parent's table, friend's fridge, work lunch room or Keurig station (sugar, non-dairy creamer, non-sweetened sweeteners, boiling water, printouts of confidential reports) Expired avocado Drugs, edible or swallow-friendly only Serves 30. Aim for 9. Fried Gnocchi with Basil and Shredded Tarragon Chicken But first, let me tell you a long story about how I almost became Elena Ferrante. It all started (cont., pp. 698-851) Mrs. Bloom's Bloomin' Onion Note the meanderings of some purling rill as it bubbles on its way, fanned by gentlest zephyrs tho' quarrelling with the stony obstacles, to the tumbling waters of Neptune's blue domain, mid mossy banks, played on by the glorious sunlight or 'neath the shadows cast o'er its pensive bosom by the overarching leafage of the giants of the forest. 1 crescent of water biscuit 8 onions 2 gallons canola oil, previously used to fry fish 2 lbs breadcrumbs made from leftover Catholic wafers 2 lbs breadcrumbs made from baguette left behind at Shakespeare & Co in Paris shamrock, finely minced High falutin stuff Bladderbags Many other things, all boiled and mashed Put the water biscuit aside; nibble it thoughtfully as you begin to slice the onions. Heat the oil to an unsafe bubbling. Mix other ingredients. In a deep bowl, coat onion slices. Place coated onion slices, as 'twere, in the peerless panorama of Ireland's portfolio, unmatched, despite their wellpraised prototypes in other vaunted prize regions, for very beauty, of bosky grove and and undulating plains and luscious pastureland of vernal green, steeped in the transcendent translucent glow of our mild mysterious Irish twilight that mantles the vista far and wide and wait till the glowing orb of the moon shines forth to irradiate her silver effulgence. Or until the oil completely burns away in the pot. When it smells like hell, ready to serve. Drain on old copies of the Paris Review. Serves 12, but most can't make it past the first helping Cereal Have you ever rescued a puppy? Not gone to the shelter and chosen a rescue pup, I mean actually rescued a puppy, like from a burning building or a flood or a bad marriage? I haven't either, but I bet it's a great feeling. Then you have to find a home for it, but now it's a celebrity. Better yet, I would be too. People would want to talk to me. "Hey you're that person who saved that puppy! Can we hang out?" That would feel good. Really nice. Select a large bowl, Starbucks mug, or Bundt pan. Add cereal to top. Do not close bag for next person. The next person is you. Add milk to top of bowl. Serves 1 Midnight Snack You know how it is, some nights you get in late; You're out supporting your friends' bands, or having a terrible date, or trying to connect with the bartender at the bar where my friend's band was playing after I failed to connect with my friend's sister (which is the real reason I came out to "support" Expired Avocado in the f...

Other Stuff Atlas Held Up On His Shoulders

Tue, 26 Dec 2023 23:56:42 +0000

The Sea Of course, the sea is liquid, and it could not hold its shape and collapsed. Thus the wet tee-shirt contest was invented. Yoke It wasn't for agricultural purposes; he was just being punished for getting handsy. His Grandmother's Antique Sewing Machine Granny Titan lived in an apartment six stories high with a narrow staircase and no elevator service. Added weight: her matronly lamentations of doom. Parrot Prometheus may have taught humans how to steal fire, but Atlas taught his parrot how to steal feta. A few upper lips were scarred in the process. Tension & Anxiety Atlas had been consistent about his yoga practice but the stress of putting down Zeus' insurrection left little time for self-care. Big Mirror Someone had to help the Sun snort all that cocaine! The Entire Titan Softball Team The only reason they were even halfway competitive with the Olympians was his mighty batting average. Clashing Shoulder Tattoos The adjective Dionysian was first used to describe the results of that memorable three-day bender with Pan. Microphone Stand His Karaoke rendition of "Under Pressure" was showstopping . . . when he twirled the mic stand and it slammed against the head of a drunk girl. The impact set off her latent psychic ability. The Oracle of Delphi was born. A Bazooka Zeus still kicked their ass, though. (Not) a Boulder Atlas would've held a boulder on his shoulders - it would've been the best workout of all - but Sisyphus never managed to roll it all the way up his back. Shoulder Pads This was during his '80s businesswoman phase. He also wore a protogoddamn lot of hairspray back then. Six Golden Retriever Puppies It would've been cute if Cronos hadn't swallowed them all immediately thereafter.

CARTOON: Snowy Snuggles

Fri, 22 Dec 2023 15:02:48 +0000

I Forgot to Tip My Mailman This December, and Now He's Vindictively Redacting My Holiday Letters

Fri, 22 Dec 2023 14:28:56 +0000

When handing my holiday letters to the mailman, I realized I hadn't tipped him. So I gifted him the only thing I had on me (the black Sharpie I'd been addressing the letters with). Since then, he's been getting a lot of use of it… Here's the original letter: Dear friends and family, It's been a good year despite empty nesting. With all my kids coming out to visit, we've been surprisingly busy. It's sad to see them move so far away, but they like this newfound independence. I have to say I like it also. Last week, I had extra time, so I organized a party for work, where I won first prize at the ugly sweater contest - take that, Bethany! Cheers to a lovely and blessed holiday! Steffanie Lindoff And here's the version that was sent to all my friends, family, and coworkers: Dear friends and family, It's been a good year despite empty nesting. With all my kids coming out to visit, we've been surprisingly busy. It's sad to see them move so far away, but they like this newfound independence. I have to say I like it also. Last week, I had extra time, so I organized a party for work, where I won first prize at the ugly sweater contest - take that, Bethany! Cheers to a lovely and blessed holiday! Steffanie Lindoff * * * Dear everyone, I don't hate gay people. After not tipping my postal worker over the holidays, he remedied the situation by redacting my holiday letter. I've since explained my regrets for giving him nothing the other day and have given him a large tip. Thank goodness that problem is gone. Happy holidays! Dear everyone, I don't hate gay people. After not tipping my postal worker over the holidays, he remedied the situation by redacting my holiday letter. I've since explained myregrets for giving him nothing the other day and have given him a large tip. Thank goodness that problem is gone. Happy holidays! * * * If you're getting this and it has a bunch of black rectangles, it means that my mailman Ingram is trying to screw with you. If I could make him stop, I would, but I can't. I'm sorry and apologize for the issues. Ho, ho, ho, Steff. P.S. I baked too much this year, so let me know if you need help leaving cookies out for Santa. I doubled the butter. Don't tell Mrs. Clause If you're getting this and it has a bunch of black rectangles, it means that my mailman Ingram is trying to screw with you. If I could make him stop, I would, but I can't. I'm sorry and apologize for the issues. Ho, ho, ho, Steff. P.S. I baked too much this year, so let me know if you need help leaving cookies out for Santa. I doubled the butter.Don't tell Mrs. Clause * * * I know it sounds crazy, but the black rectangles all over this letter are from my mailman trying to make me look like a horny heartless homophobe. I implore you to ignore the numerous redactions on this note, which I'm sure are everywhere. Ingram's influence is real. I promise I'm levelheaded and doing totally fine living on my own. Regards, Steff I know it sounds crazy, but the black rectangles all over this letter are from my mailman trying to make me look like a horny heartless homophobe. I implore you to ignore the numerous redactions on this note, which I'm sure are everywhere. Ingram's influence is real. I promise I'm levelheaded and doing totally fine living on my own. Regards, Steff * * * I give up. No more letters. Here's a festive holiday picture of the kids and I on Santa's lap. * * * Please ignore the photo you just received: I assure you I was not naked on Santa's lap - I was wearing the same thing as during the ugly sweater contest Please ignore the photo you just received: I assure you I was not naked on Santa's lap - I was wearing the same thing as during the ugly sweater contest

Last Minute Stocking Stuffer Ideas

Fri, 22 Dec 2023 05:33:31 +0000

Kite made from the Shroud Of Turin Can of protective / defensive Holiday Pepper(mint) Spray Internet log-in info for Cameo holiday greeting from The Human Centipede Vial of dirt from Ted Bundy's burial site. Portable Ouija board that only communicates with people who have died from over-eating home insulation. Petrified monkey's paw Cursed glass eye Scorpion shaped nipple ring set My First Ankle Monitor Playset

Holiday Songs Updated for the 21st Century

Fri, 22 Dec 2023 02:19:42 +0000

"Santa Babygirl" "The Twelve Days and Preceding Four Months of Christmas" "Grandma Got Run Over by a Driverless Car" "All I Want for Christmas is a Livable Wage Commensurate with My Education and Experience" "Another Amazon Fulfillment Center is Coming to Town" "It's the Most Communicable Time of the Year" "I'm Dreaming of a Christmas Below 60 Degrees" "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel, I Made it Out of Polyethylene" "My-Phone's-Not-on-Silent Night Because Work Might Call" "O Little Town of Picturesque Ambiance That's Been Overrun by Influencers" "Full-Grown Woman, It's Cold Outside, So Please Borrow My Patagonia Parka" "God Rest You Merry, Fellow Insomniacs and Anxiety Sufferers" "Run Rudy Run Those Millions in Damages to the Election Workers You Defamed" "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like AI Will Soon Pass the Turing Test" "Jingle Bell Rock or Whichever Music Genre Taylor is Doing Now" (It's her world and we're just living in it)

Avoiding No-Well

Tue, 19 Dec 2023 15:11:49 +0000

As we are aware, the holidays are not always a season of cheer for all people. It's beyond the "holiday blues" that we've all heard about. And it's a bit beyond medical science. Let's look into the holiday's maladies and try to steer clear of Sickmas and resist the general feeling of no wellness: Claus-aphobia: an unreasonable, irrational fear of Santa Claus, most notably around malls. Holly-Jollies: a nervous condition much like the heebie-jeebies, affecting long winter naps. They make you overly-sensitive to any clatters that might arise caused by excessive consumption of sugar products. Noel-zheimer's Disease: When a person becomes suddenly forgetful about what gifts to buy, clothing sizes or what they did at the office Christmas party. Inyulelenza: the common Yule-flu that often results from the lack of proper nasal protection when Jack Frost comes nipping at your nose. Mistletoes: similar to athlete's foot, an infection caused by wearing stockings not hung with care. It can be easily treated with a medicated tannen-balm. Kris Kringle Shingles: a viral infection, which causes a painful rash. You usually get it by sitting on untreated Santa laps. Bi-North Polar Syndrome: a marked changed in brain chemistry resulting in major mood swings, from naughty to nice and back again. PM-Xmas: discomfort experienced by women, as part of their winter cycle. Hum-Drummers: a form of post-holiday depression. It is named after the first known case, the Little Hum-Drummer Boy. This young shepherd was so depressed he had to have a smile painted on his face. That's what getting underwear as a present will do to you. Also known as the Ho-Ho-Hums. Grinchworms: if you eat a bad sugarplum you could pick up this parasite that can invade your digestive tract and cause uncontrollable cravings for fruitcake and gingerbread. Silent Nightis: a form of laryngitis caused by excessive caroling. Tinselitis: temporary blindness caused by prolonged exposure to bright & shiny tinsel. The cure requires a tinselectomy. Egg-nosticism: cases of people who are so stressed by the season they go into denial, refusing to believe the existence of the holidays. PTXD (Post-Traumatic Xmas Disorder): a mental condition triggered by the annual War on Christmas.

Ways Giuliani Can Try to Earn the $148 Million…

Tue, 19 Dec 2023 14:43:59 +0000

Last week a federal court ordered Rudy Guiliani to pay $148 million to Georgian election workers he defamed. Since Mr. G does not have $148 million on hand, here are suggestions on how he can earn some big bucks. Show up at conferences and threaten to talk unless people pay him to leave. Sell off all his "America's mayor" memorabilia from 9/11. See if the LA Dodgers will sign him to a huge contract like they did that Ohtani guy. Find a way to date T Swift. Become a spokesman for the "Four Seasons", the landscapers not that silly hotel chain. Do commercials for Grecian Formula for men, "It won't run like those others…" Make a hit gross out buddy movie with Sacha Baron Cohen. Star in the Suits spinoff. He'd be a natural with real world experience. Launch a political consultant company where clients do the opposite of what he advises. Audition for next season's "Golden Bachelor".

I'm Just a Bull Trying to Catch My Train, and I Can't Believe How Fucking Terrible Our Transportation System Is

Fri, 15 Dec 2023 17:31:24 +0000

"A bull, running loose on the New Jersey Transit train tracks in Newark, caused delays up to 45 minutes between Newark Penn Station and Penn Station New York before being captured on Thursday." -USA Today, 12/14/23 The day started off on the wrong hoof. I left the barn late, Dunkin put my sister's milk in my coffee, and by the time I made it to the Metuchen NJ Transit station, the only seats left were those skinny little benches between cars. Those seats barely fit toddlers, let alone adults, let alone a 1,500 kilogram bull. I had to run full-on gallop to make the train, taking out a few concrete pillars and human pedestrians in the process. People in New Jersey really need to watch where the hell they're going. Once I was finally settled on the train and had one horn comfortably through the glass window, the conductor came by to take my ticket. I handed him my student pass, but he said he needed to see some ID. Now I was pissed. I pawed the ground in frustration and my foot went straight through the floor. Talk about a cheaply made train. If you're going to ask for proof that I'm a student, you should first make sure your train floors are hoof-proof. I pulled my student ID out of my backpack and he peered at it suspiciously. "I didn't know bulls could study film at The New School," he said like it was the funniest thing he'd seen all year. Personally, I think the New Jersey state government should make sure their employees have adequate sensitivity training. "Yeah, my thesis film is 90-minute science-fiction odyssey where bulls run the world and NJ Transit has competent conductors," his face went white as my sister's gross milk they put in my latte this morning. I thought it was a pretty bold thing for a guy whose job is to drive the train in the country's 50th worst transportation system to say, but the only resource New Jersey isn't lacking besides bagels is the audacity. But then, they come over the loudspeaker announcing that they have to stop the train because my hoof went through the floor and my horns went through the window. La-di-fucking-da, I'm going to be late to Screenwriting. Of course, you can never understand what the hell they're saying over the loudspeaker, so it could either be, "Everyone off the train," or "I've got bulls on the brain." All I wanted was to make it to class on time for once. Instead, I end up on the front page of the New York Post. "Snakes on the plane, bulls on the train," the garish headline read. Really? You guys have never seen a cow try and take public transportation before? You wouldn't have to if UberPackMule prices weren't through the roof. Now wonder everyone on the train is always pissed. I meant to get off at New York Penn Station, but I was so frazzled and discombobulated that I got off at Newark Penn Station instead. Who in their right mind named two stations in two different cities with almost the same name Penn Station and Penn Station? I'll bet that idiot was from New Jersey. Our transportation system is utterly broken. Later that day, NJ Transit emailed me asking if I could rate my ride. I gave them one star. Pete Buttigieg, I want a fucking refund.

Lies Your Wife Has Told You

Fri, 15 Dec 2023 03:53:08 +0000

Refurbishing old bird houses is a cool hobby. You're the only man she's allowed to put it there. Thinning hair looks great on certain types of men. That guy she was having a drink with at Applebee's is her cousin. Back hair isn't gross, it's just part of your body, and she loves all of you. She hasn't told any of her friends that you have a third grade reading level. None of the guys at her high school reunion ever got past second base back in the day. She doesn't even know your iPhone password, and how dare you. It wasn't a sex cult, it was simply a book club that sort of got out of control. She wasn't blackout drunk at the party, it was a reaction to her new medication.

Santa's 9-1-1 Call Transcripts

Fri, 15 Dec 2023 01:41:18 +0000

The Video Incident At the Workshop 911: 911, what's your emergency? Santa: Ho - I mean, Hi. I have a disgruntled employee down at my workshop I want to turn over to the police. 911: What did the employee do to you, sir? Santa: It's Santa and yes, that one. You have to help me! You know, it's our busy season up at the shop and I wanted to make sure everyone gets their Playstation 5's boxed, wrapped, and a little bit of holiday spirit sprinkled on. 911: Yeah, I've heard about it. I can't help you unless you give me more context. Santa: Well, one of my elves on the assembly line got way too big for his britches, and I caught him licking the candy canes that were supposed to go in poor children's stockings because they're not paid a minimum wage where they can afford their own food. I had to teach him a lesson, so I started berating him in front of all the other elves. He deserved it! And suddenly, I look, I see another naughty elf video-taping me during the whole encounter! 911: What's the problem? Santa: You're not allowed to tape in the workshop, I'm extremely camera shy despite my day job at the mall. 911: Okay can you describe this suspect? Santa: He's 2 feet, 5 inches, big ears, pointy hat, I promise I can pick him out of a line down at the station. His name is Pepper Minstix. How fast can you get here? All the elves are starting to giggle and body shame me. 911: Mr. Claus it's going to be really difficult for us to get up to the North Pole right now. We're too busy answering calls about Black kids shopping at Trader Joe's. Santa: NO! Now they're uploading the video to TikTok! I'm about to get canceled! The Sleigh Crash 911: 911, what's your emergency? Santa: I've just gotten into a tragic car crash that was NOT my fault, and I need the police down here to file a report for insurance purposes ASAP. 911: Are all parties alright? Santa: Yes, it was a close one and I'm a bit shaken up, but everyone seems to have left the crash unscathed. 911: Good. Can you please state your name, and tell me the location of the crash so we know where to send our crew? Santa: Name's Santa Claus. And we're on the corner of Gum Drop Lane and Martin Luther King Boulevard. 911: Thank you. Is there much damage to one or both vehicles? Santa: There is a microscopic scratch on the back bumper of my sleigh. 911: Your what? Santa: My sleigh. Did I stutter, Scrooge? I promise if the police just come up here and squint really hard, they will see the life-changing damage and they'll be put on the Nice List for next year. 911: Sir, I understand you may be shaken up, but please be civil. How do you know it is microscopic? Is it not visible to you? Santa: I see you when you're sleeping. I see you when you're awake. Surely I can also see microscopic scratches on my sleigh's bumper. 911: Thanks for clarifying. Sir, it sounds like this other party lightly tapped your sleigh's bumper. We unfortunately do not have the staff to be able to come up there and write a report today. Santa: But I need to file a claim and get a brand new 2024 sleigh during the Happy Honda Days! The Attempted Murder By Poisonous Cookie 911: 911, what's your emergency? Santa: Hi, I'd like to report an attempted murder. 911: Okay. First of all, are you okay? Are you still in danger? Santa: I am currently in the murderer's chimney after fleeing their kitchen, where the crime began to unfold. 911: I'm so sorry sir. What is your name and from what location are you calling? Santa: My name is Santa Claus, and I am currently at the Smith family home, who reside at 592 Chestnut Street. 911: Thank you. Are there weapons present? Santa: Yes. Non-gluten free cookies. A whole plate of them. 911: Can you please repeat that, sir? Santa: The weapon used in the attempted murder were NON gluten-free cookies. AKA, a cookie that contained gluten. It's basically poison. 911: A cookie is not considered a weapon. Sir, how is your mental state? How did you get in the chimney? Santa: A cookie is ABSOLUTELY an as...

Lesser Known Holiday Specials

Thu, 14 Dec 2023 03:50:14 +0000

There used to be a time when TV shows would go on hiatus in December to be replaced by Christmas specials. That doesn't happen much now, and people lament it because they only remember the good specials. They forget about these duds: Ted & Bill's Excellent Advent: Two dudes, trying to find the perfect Christmas presents for their girlfriends, travel through time disrupting events at Bethlehem, Charles Dickens' house and the North Pole. A Christmas Corral: A mean old varmint is visited by the ghosts of cowboys and cattle rustlers to learn the true meaning of a Christmas on the prairie. Santa Claus is Coming: A Christmas porn film. It's a Wunderful, Wunderful Life: Lawrence Welk learns what Christmas would be like if he had never been born. Dude, Where's My Sleigh? An animated special in which a couple of elves have too much eggnog one night and lose Santa's sleigh. Santa Claus Conquers the Jews: St. Nick finally gets the Hebrews to see the light, so to speak. 'Twas: Frank McCourt's Christmas memoir. Rudolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer: Santa becomes increasingly frustrated when one of his reindeer won't stop sucking up to him, disrupting the annual Reindeer Games. How the Grinch Embezzled Christmas: Ebenezer J. Grinch, the CEO of Christmas Inc., swindles the company out of millions, lays off the workers, and dupes the shareholders while his wallet grows three sizes. In the end, he gets appointed to a cabinet post. Men are from the North Pole, Women are from the South Pole: John Gray and Dr. Phil team up to settle some holiday relationship problems. Frosty the Hitman: A snowman magically comes to life, then starts bumping off pigeons and stoolies. A Charlie Brown Mid-Life Christmas: Middle-aged now and stuck on Apple+ TV, the Peanuts gang begin to realize their boss isn't handing out Christmas bonuses this year. Murder on the Polar Express: The kids are forced to solve the murder of Mr. Conductor with the help of Hercule Poirot, who just happens to be on the train.

Unanswered Hollywood Christmas Movie Want Ads

Tue, 12 Dec 2023 13:40:50 +0000

WANTED: Lakeside, Illinois-based contract and criminal law attorney willing to get a reluctant single father out of a bad contract and potential manslaughter charge. Candidates must also have a thorough understanding of the North Pole legal codes. Please contact Scott Calvin, aka Santa Clause at 555-4185. WANTED: Licensed electrician in the Chicago area. Candidates must not be fearful of heights, and show a willingness to deal with an inept, but endearing family man who is just trying to have a "fun old fashioned family Christmas." A willingness to overtax the electrical grid for Illinois is a plus. Please contact Clark Griswold's Father-in-Law at 555-2132. WANTED: Someone, anyone, in Bedford Falls, possessing an ability to tell a naive little girl that there is absolutely no correlation between a ringing bell and an angel getting its wings. Please contact Mr. Potter at 555-4465. WANTED: Clinical psychologist willing to travel to the North Pole through various locales including, but not limited to, New York's Lincoln Tunnel, a sea of swirly twirly gumdrops, and the seven levels of a candy cane forest, all to inform a grown man that he is, in fact, not an elf. Please contact Walter Hobbs at 555-9987. WANTED: Chicago Department of Child Protective Services is searching for a temporary home for an eight-year-old boy who was accidentally left behind by his family on a trip to Paris. The boy is remarkably resilient for his age, but seeks guidance on shaving, being more neighborly, and calling the authorities instead of risking capture by two moronic criminals. Please visit our website to apply! WANTED: New York City Department of Child Protective Services is searching for a temporary home for a ten-year-old boy who was accidentally left behind by his family on a trip to Florida. The boy is remarkably resilient for his age, but seeks guidance on navigating airports, talking to weird bird ladies, and calling the authorities instead of risking capture by two moronic criminals. Please visit our website to apply! WANTED: Qualified BB Gun expert in Hohman, Indiana, willing to teach a young boy how to fire his newly acquired weapon without shooting his eye out. Additional experience warning of the dangers of placing a tongue on a cold pole is preferred, but not required. Please contact Mother Parker at 555-1147. WANTED: Qualified pilot willing to drive Santa's sleigh through a snowstorm for one night. Candidates will be evaluated based on their ability to navigate with anything other than their nose so bright. Please contact Santa Clause at 555-4185. WANTED: Anyone in Minneapolis willing to explain the concept of eBay to a mattress salesman and a postal worker who seem hellbent on killing each other in order to obtain a hard-to-find toy for their child by visiting actual stores. If interested, please contact Liz Langston at 555-1928. WANTED: Police detective still looking for Nike shoe salesman willing to make emergency delivery of size eleven sneakers to Nakatomi Plaza on Christmas Eve. Experience facing gunfire from East German terrorists preferred. Please contact Detective John McLane at 555-1464.

I'm Professional Tracker Hudson Rattlesnake and I Will Find Where You Parked Your Car

Tue, 12 Dec 2023 05:44:41 +0000

I see you've found my page… or did I find you first? Name's Hudson Rattlesnake, and I'm the best damn animal tracker you'll ever find. I've been on dangerous treks, safaris, and big game hunts all over the Midwest and Southern United States. During my adventures, I've developed a superior intellect and strategic mind that make locating my prey practically a guarantee. That's why I've created this here Craigslist post, because I want to use my skills to help you figure out where you parked your car. Look, I get it. We both know going to the mall close to Christmas is risky, but you need to get that last-second gift you procrastinated. It shouldn't be a death sentence! I'm tired of hearing tragic tales of families freezing to death because they could have sworn they parked outside the Kohl's entrance. After all, it is the closest to the Cinnabon when in reality they parked at the Barnes & Noble entrance because it lets them avoid walking in front of Spencer's gifts and getting frightened by the window displays. I have reason to believe my skill set will easily transfer to locating your vehicle amongst the mass of similar makes and models filling the parking lot. I've studied the ticks and behavior of animals for so long that I can tell two identical raccoons apart just by sensing which one is feeling sadder, spotting the difference between a 2011 and a 2012 Ford Fiesta will be child's play. Now, before you start to think I'm making this sound so easy that you could do it without me, you should know that I have often found still unmoving prey to be much more difficult to track than mobile prey. I feel confident that if you go without my services, you will forget where you parked, get lost after the mall closes, wander aimlessly until you collapse, slowly turn into a skeleton, and be completely forgotten to time. I, on the other hand, have mutton chops I gained during a window of time when I slept with a wolf pack for a few weeks. My senses of smell, feel, and taste are all heightened, and each of the three has experience with every type of rodent. I even have an accent that most people have called "indistinguishable." My approach to locating your vehicle will be a simple sequence of maneuvers I've picked up in various jungles. For example, when I track possums, learning about the delicate creature and then searching for it isn't enough. I must forget the intent to hunt and learn its ways with the sole intention of becoming the possum. I must act as the possum, live as the possum, and one time, even fall in love as the possum. So how do I become your car? Easy. In this instance, I will take samples of your tires and exhaust fumes in a controlled environment before we depart for the mall so that I begin the hunt with a distinct familiarity and therefore tactical advantage. On the ride over I will feel and memorize every rhythm and movement that is unique. If your car even barely grazes the rough part of the road that signals, you're drifting too far into the shoulder, I'll feel it. As I ride, eyes closed, focused on the engine's intricacies, my personal burnt Black-Eyed Peas CD blaring out your speakers, I will know not only how your car feels on the inside, but also how your car feels on the inside. Once at the mall, I will shop separately for the allotted time. I need to get some gifts myself and am technically in between vehicles so this is very convenient for me. You can text me when you're finished, and assuming I have also finished shopping, I can really get to work. I will start by scanning the lot for any signs of rubber particles left behind by your vehicle. The droppings of the car, if you will. I always start a hunt by analyzing droppings, even if they aren't from the animal I'm tracking. There's a deep well of information in a creature's stool. Once I find the excrement, I know I'm in the right vicinity. In the Serengeti of Ohio, I would create a watcher's nest where I would have a better eyeline across the area. I b...

CARTOON: Dead Zone

Fri, 08 Dec 2023 21:07:33 +0000

All I Want For Christmas Is YouPorn

Thu, 07 Dec 2023 20:39:51 +0000

It's that magical time of year again, when the naked people on YouPorn are all wearing Santa hats and going much further than kissing beneath the mistletoe. Allow your equally lonely friends at Weekly Humorist to give you a hand in getting the most from your experience with these sure-to-please recommendations! Wet Ugly Christmas Sweater Contest; Jiggle Bells NativiTea-Bagging; MistleCamelToe I Came Upon A Midnight Rear; Noggy Style Secrete Santa; All I Want For Christmas Is Spew Brown Christmas; That's Not Coal In Your Stocking Group Of Carolers Doing A Gang Bang; Nudeolph's Reindeer Games Eggnog Enema; I Saw Mommy Fisting Santa Clause Elf On A MILF; Stepmom Into Christmas Fireplace HD (it's really a rather soothing way to unwind from all the disgusting fun)

Roku City's Police Blotter

Thu, 07 Dec 2023 18:34:41 +0000

25-year-old, Mark Stevens, of Roku City was arrested by Roku City Police for committing arson in the building that formerly housed the Everybody Loves Raymond billboard. The alleged arsonist was reportedly upset that the city replaced the billboard with an ad for the show Suits. No one was harmed. Several noise complaints were filed due to the man wailing "How can you do this, everybody loves Raymond and you clearly don't." Stevens was quickly released after Ray Romano paid the $10,000 bail. 45-year-old, Leo Curtis, of Roku City was taken into custody by authorities for attempted burglary of the town's McDonald's next to the alien invasion on the 3400 block of Bob Iger Avenue. The perpetrator held up the cashier and asked for all the money so he could afford his own Netflix subscription since his ex changed the password on him. However, Curtis became distracted after seeing that the McDonald's had a PlayPlace to play in. Curtis was found by police stuck in the ballpit. Bail was set for $30,000. 36-year-old, Ken Stevenson, of Roku City was arrested for property damage after destroying his own and surrounding neighbors' homes. The man was reportedly having a meltdown due to his Roku remote not working. He was stuck on hold for several hours with Roku City customer service where in frustration he started to rip apart his own home and destroy neighboring houses by throwing the remote through their windows. It was later revealed he simply needed to change the batteries. Bail was set for $70,000, the cost of two double A batteries in Roku City due to the recent battery tax. 52-year-old, Betty Madison, of Roku City was arrested by Roku City Police for disturbing the peace. The resident was banging pots and pans outside Roku City City Hall protesting the rampant air pollution in the city. She is reportedly upset by the mayor's inaction to do anything about the purple and orange atmosphere that surrounds the city that's supposedly safe, despite no other city in the universe looking like that. Bail was set to $5,000. 39-year-old, Rich Higgins, of Roku City was taken into custody by the RCPD after being found urinating in the Roku City River. Before the public urination, Higgins reportedly was seen running around naked with a visible erection, trying to prove "his dick worked fine" after being served one too many hims erectile dysfunction Hulu ads. Shortly after Higgins was found, the federal EPA arrived on the scene to tend to the Roku City River sea monster injured in the golden shower. The monster is affectionately nicknamed, "Sea Baby." Sea Baby is the last sea monster in the city-state, and therefore considered endangered. The $50,000 bail was paid by the hims marketing department as hush money. 27-year-old, Holly Mance, is being held at Roku City Prison after an attempted kidnapping of Peacock CEO Kelly Campbell. Mance broke and entered through the west end of Campbell's townhome on the 2800 Block of Roku Road Wednesday evening. Ring footage shows Campbell with tape covering her mouth and Mance saying, "give Netflix back the rights to The Office or I'm canceling all of my streaming services and going back to cable." Campbell was unharmed aside from a rough Q2 earnings report. Roku City judge Pat Plutoson sentenced Mance to a 2-hour customer service phone call while trying to cancel a Xfinity cable package. 58-year-old, Nancy Link, was arrested on Monday after she was found graffitiing "Slow Down The Subtitles" on the side of the Roku City City Hall. Link had reportedly been watching an episode of Chicago Fire with the subtitles on, but soon realized that the subtitles were being shown too fast, and before the characters had a chance to speak them. After pausing, closing the app, turning off her television, unplugging it, blowing on the Roku USB, and starting the program over again, Link, according to neighbors, snapped. This is Link's second offense, the first when she pulled her building fire alarm when there was no fire after ...

Sam Altman, Sam Bankman-Fried, or Sam the Snowman?

Wed, 06 Dec 2023 20:42:58 +0000

1. Everything is running happily and smoothly. 2. Pull up an ice block and lend an ear! 3. Some people say "risk," some people say "opportunity." 4. You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen. 5. Real christmas eve energy rn. 6. What matters most in the end is how we give back. 7. Yessir, our friends were really on their way, but not one of them knew where they were going. 8. These two didn't have any idea about what they were letting themselves in for. 9. People always make the mistake of calling an idea small or stupid because they don't understand how it's going to evolve. 10. As good as everyone feels, this is no time for celebrating. 11. I didn't knowingly commingle funds. 12. The mission continues. 13. What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a talking snowman before? 14. Aside from the abominable, business goes on as usual. * * * Sam Altman, Former & Current CEO of OpenAI: 5, 9, 12 Sam Bankman-Fried, Former CEO of FTX: 3, 6, 11 Sam the Snowman: 1, 2, 4, 5, 7, 8, 10, 13, 14

That's A Party School

Wed, 06 Dec 2023 00:06:31 +0000

That's a party school. At that school, all they do is party. I had a friend that went there, and all he did was party every second of every day. He said he would party in the morning, party in the evening, and then party at supper time. He partied so much that he had to go to the campus doctor midway through the first semester. Want to know what the doctor's diagnosis was? A mild case of Party-itus. Want to know what the doctor prescribed him? More partying. My friend said by the time he got his degree, he had partied so much that he wasn't even sure what he'd majored in. Upon getting his diploma at graduation, he learned that he had actually obtained a BA in partying. My friend's grandma was proud when he walked across the stage to get his diploma, but she was concerned when she saw that the dean was wearing a backwards hat and white Oakleys. At that school, even the Dean freaking parties, I swear. And yeah sure, before grandma boarded the plane back to Houston, she got in on the action as well. Grandma partied so hard she forgot she lived during the Great Depression. So that was positive. At that school, they really drink when they party. You know that ornate fountain near the entrance of campus? Yeah, that's not water in there. It's beer! My cousin who went there said that in the summer, they fill it with Natural Light and in the winter, Natural Ice. They party with beer a ton at that school. So much so that my cousin's freshman orientation didn't take him into any buildings or classes, nope the whole thing was one long pub crawl. He said that on the last stop of the booze tour, his Academic Advisor showed up, shot-gunned a tallboy, and said "Welcome, to college." I mean it doesn't get any more party-centric than that. You know that thing some colleges do where they bring puppies to campus to cheer up depressed kids? At that school, I guess even the therapy dogs drink beer. Apparently watching a Cavalier King Charles sneak sips of Keystone cheers everyone right up. At that school, they definitely take partying with beer very seriously. So much so that US News & World Report had that school 4th on their list of "schools that take beer seriously" list they did back in 2019. I don't think they do that list anymore but if they did that school would probably be 1st or 2nd. At that school, they hold massive parties with very unique themes. Like the Monkeybone party where everyone dresses like Chris Kattan from the 2000s film, or they also do a blanket party where everything just traipses around in their favorite blanket while taking shots and playing beer pong. Basically every event on campus turns into a massive party where everyone slowly but surely goes buckwild. Poetry readings? They become spoken word ragers. Athletic events? Even the squash players are sloshes. Office hours? More like office power hours, where you and your sociology professor pound drinks from 4-6 pm on Tuesdays. At that school, parties can start without a moment's notice, sort of like a flash mob but with less synchronized dancing and with more outright partying. The only time I visited that school, I was walking through the quad when out of nowhere a conga line started up. Next thing I know, I'm drinking a Mai Tai, wearing a Hawaiann shirt, and I am having the time of my damn life. At that school, you're going to learn a lot about how to party. In fact, that's all you're going to learn. Yeah, that school is a party school and I wish to hell they hadn't rejected my application

The Other Chalkboards That Will Hunting Wrote On As A Janitor

Tue, 05 Dec 2023 21:25:01 +0000

A Letter From the MIT Custodial Department to Will Hunting Dear Mr. Hunting, It has come to the attention of the MIT Custodial Department that you have been diverting your focus away from your janitorial responsibilities during your shift. As you have probably been told already, your job is strictly limited to overseeing the proper sanitation and maintenance of the school's buildings. You are under no circumstances allowed to answer any chalkboard problems in the areas you work. And while we are aware that one of the school's mathematics professors is lauding your latest extracurricular stunt as genius, that does not excuse the numerous complaints from professors and students who are less than pleased with your assistance. So let us remind you of your schedule. As soon as you clock in, you are to sweep and mop all of the classrooms on the first floor of the Dorrance Building. You are not permitted to answer any questions on the boards such as "What is the most expedient way to mitigate climate change?" with a three-chalkboard manifesto that ends with "publicly execute all politicians and CEOs". After you finish with the first floor, your next task is to empty all of the trash bins in the literature department wing and ONLY empty the trash bins. You must refrain yourself, for instance, from "fixing" students' poems on the board of Professor Walsh's creative writing class. It is not of your concern if there were a myriad of grammatical errors and overreliance on adverbs. These are students' work, Mr. Hunting. It's out of your place to rewrite lines of a student's poem about their deceased brother, even if Professor Walsh admits your similes are objectively better than the original author's and that he is more likely to receive an A now. Next, you are to clean and restock the bathrooms in the Bush Building. You are absolutely forbidden from entering the room where Ms. Garcia hosts her night school class for English as a second language so that you can make adjustments to her lesson plans. We do not want Ms. Garcia to come into our office to complain that her students are using words like "cawfee", "rippah", "pissa", "wicked smaht", or that they are inserting an unnecessary "fuck" into every sentence they speak. Lastly, you are to dust all of the erasers and wipe down all of the boards in the lecture halls. Let us reiterate: you are to WIPE down all of the boards, not attempt to solve any problems on the boards of Professor Thompson's anatomy class. As he pointed out to us, there wasn't even a problem on his board, and yet you approached a diagram of the female reproductive system, drew an arrow towards the clitoris and wrote "found it". Not only were you slacking off from your duties, but it was reported that you inappropriately wrote out a detailed description on the perfect cunnilingus to make a woman climax while insisting that you cracked the unsolvable problem of the female orgasm that has plagued humanity for centuries. So please Mr. Hunting, let's leave the academics to the students who are paying good money for their education and focus on what we hired you to do. And before you deny responsibility, we know that all of these writings were done by you considering that each was signed off with "How do you like them apples?" Sincerely, MIT Custodial Staff

CARTOON: Super Powers

Fri, 01 Dec 2023 21:55:24 +0000

Why George Santos Doesn't Mind Being Expelled From Congress

Fri, 01 Dec 2023 20:45:24 +0000

George Santos just became the third person in modern times to be expelled from Congress. Here's why he's fine with that. He's now free to become King of England, a job that pays better and works less than a congressman. He finally has time to spend with that baby he was walking around with. They didn't strip him of all his rights as an ex-congressman, which means he can still visit the gym and continue to bench 360 to impress the other congressmen. He really doesn't lie enough to be a politician. He can pursue his dream of becoming the best pickleball player in the world. He can go on tour with Taylor Swift like she's been asking him. Now he can show the world how the flute is really supposed to be played. More time for him to hang out with his buddies: the Kardasians, LeBron and Bruce Lee. He can write his autobiography while exploring the North Pole. He's got a great shot at being Trump's VP.

Simple Airbnb Check-Out Instructions From Your Host

Fri, 01 Dec 2023 01:11:47 +0000

We hope you made yourself at home in our humble abode! This is a friendly reminder to be checked out by 9:00 tomorrow morning in order to give our cleaning crew ample time to prepare for the next guests. If you would like to request a later check-out time, feel free to message us at least 24 hours before check-out, though it looks like we are already within that window, so nevermind. Your payment has already covered the cost of the cleaning crew (remember that little fee that nearly doubled the final price of this Airbnb? Which really sucked because you had already Venmo requested the other couples based on the original price you saw on the listing but were too embarrassed to send a second request to adjust for it, especially because you're the newest S.O. in your partner's tight-knit circle and you didn't want everyone thinking you were dumb for overlooking the fee, or worse, stingy for wanting to split it, even though later on this very trip one of the girlfriend's would Venmo request everyone for their portion of an 8-minute Uber XL to dinner, which you gladly completed, but then when you offered to call the Uber home from dinner nobody said sh*t about splitting it evenly, so you ended up quietly paying for the whole thing yourself, just like you paid for the entire Airbnb cleaning crew, who actually might be coming closer to 8:00 a.m. Strip the beds Take out the trash Wipe down the trash bins so there's nothing sticky at the bottom. There's a hose attached to the side of the house with pretty good water pressure if you need to blast off any goop that's really stuck on there. Brew a pot of coffee for the cleaning crew to have while they work. Do this last so that it's still hot by the time they arrive (which might be closer to 7:00 a.m. now that I'm thinking about it because they're coming from just outside the city and will probably want to beat the morning rush hour) Check on our neighbor Eugenio (yellow house catty-corner to us). He's an 86-year-old Italian man who doesn't speak much English, but he could really use the company and sometimes needs help with little things like changing the cats' litter box or making sure his complicated medical-grade oxygen tank is functioning properly. He also loves music, so if you or anyone in your group plays an instrument and happened to bring it along with you on this trip, I'm sure he'd love to hear original songs or even some covers, though he's partial to anything from John Mayer's Continuum for some reason, which we know makes no sense chronologically based on his age - our guess is that he must have had a much younger lover at some point who turned him on to the album. If you happen to find Eugenio dead, of course, just click the little button on his Life Alert necklace and wait with his body for the first responders to arrive. There is a big brown Bloomingdale's bag on the floor of the closet in the primary room full of my husband's old shirts. They are all marked with either a pink sticky note, a yellow sticky note, or a blue sticky note. Pink indicates the ones that I think he should give away but that he wants to keep; yellow indicates the ones that I'd like him to keep but that he's fine parting with; blue indicates the ones that we're both sort of meh about. Could you go through the Pinks and Yellows and add a purple sticky note (top drawer to the left of stove in kitchen) to the ones that you think he should keep (we'll cross-reference and make our final decisions later) and then any that you don't care for from the Blue pile (we trust your judgment) you can drop off at the Goodwill Donation Center on 44th and Central Ave. It's in the opposite direction of the airport but there's a great coffee shop over there that does pour-overs if you've got 25 minutes to spare. Super cute vibe, they sell their own beanies and stuff, too. Get on your hands and knees and scrub the grime out of the shower tiles. A lot of mildewy build-up has set in over the years - nay, generations -...

GAG A MAGA! Down N' Dirty Details Of The Most Recent Trump Gag Order

Thu, 30 Nov 2023 23:23:34 +0000

Trump not allowed to speak about court case at rallies, as the average member of the crowd has no knowledge of courtroom dynamics beyond what they've seen on reruns of The People's Court. No statements that could incite violence, unless he's speaking to a crowd of followers at a backyard amateur wrestling tournament. No more mentions of a "witch hunt", as many Trump followers believe in actual witches, and the continued repetition of the phrase really frightens them. Trump allowed to encourage harm to political rivals / judges who reside in major metropolitan areas, as his followers more than likely won't have the gas money to drive cross country and respond to said threats. Trump not allowed to advocate for book burning, particularly when all of the books he's thinking of are written by former colleagues. Trump allowed to continue to scowl in courtroom, as it turns out the source is simply a bad case of diaper rash. No having McDonald's delivered to the courtroom, as the damage done to the plumbing was so extensive that local taxpayers will be burdened for the foreseeable future. Eric Trump court ordered to please stop burying his father in the magical pet cemetery.

As a Woman, I'll Be the First to Apologize for Apologizing So Much

Thu, 30 Nov 2023 00:16:08 +0000

I'm sorry, okay? Oh, shoot. I just did it again! Whoops. It's not like I intend to apologize constantly. It's almost like…a reflex, a tic, an inability to, I don't know, be sure that any of my individual thoughts or feelings are the least bit valid. So silly of me! Look, I've read the research. We ladies tend to, shall I say, overdo it. All the studies say the same thing: Women apologize more than men. Women apologize when there's no reason to. Women apologize for breathing. I thought for sure if there's one thing women get right, it's empathizing. But I guess we've found a way to mess that up too! Mea culpa. What will we think of next, ladies?? (Insert woozy face emoji here, lol.) And why do we over-apologize, I wonder, banging my head against the wall. I'm joking! No banging. No animosity here. I'm asking in a casual, non-threatening sort of way. In a way that says "I'm smart, but not that smart." Gals, really, why are we apologizing all over town? I wouldn't say I enjoy apologizing. But I find it pretty easy to do. A few examples: "Sorry, what did you say?" "Sorry I'm late." "Sorry I'm early." "Sorry I'm such a people pleaser." "Sorry my resting face looks this way." "Sorry I'm such a goddamn idiot!!! Kidding. Sorry for my self-deprecating nature." Where was I? Right. So I know a woman who apologizes even more than I do, if you can believe that. Drives me nuts. You might be thinking, "It sounds to me like internalized misogyny could be influencing your opinion of this incessant apologizer. And maybe her non-stop apologies stem from feelings of inadequacy shaped by a culture that deems her inferior." But I'm not one to get hoodwinked by all that. Fine, I'll just never apologize again. That's right. Watch me shatter the glass ceiling and NOT apologize when the shards come crashing down. Oh my God, are you bleeding? That was just a metaphorical bit. Sorry if my mind can apparently control the universe. Oh, it's just a nosebleed? Huh. Apologies if my imagination stresses you out. Ah, so it's a sinus thing? Sorry to hear that. No, wait. I'm not sorry to hear that. Ugh! This is impossible. How do you just go through life without ever walking in other people's shoes?! That's it, I'm going cold turkey. Welcome to the new me. Unapologetic. Brave. Dare I say, ballsy. I don't know about you, but here's how I'm stomping into the office Monday morning: "What's that, boss? You wanna keep paying me eighty-some cents on the dollar? Not today, you son of a bitch. Hand over your wallet." I'm joking! Noooo. No, no no. I was not at all being serious. Not for a second! Your face got so flushed and your eyes were like saucers. Do you want to sit down? Let me get you a cool drink. Be right back. p.s. Sorry if my words offend you in any way!

Why Is Everyone Talking About (The Movie) A.I. Artificial Intelligence?

Tue, 28 Nov 2023 23:36:24 +0000

When I think of great movies of the 21st century, I think of films like There Will Be Blood, The Social Network, Ladybird, and even Get Out. As a "film buff," I really enjoy staying up to date on the new releases while also going back and rewatching beloved films from the past. In the age of the internet, I understand that films have a way of being reappraised years after they are released. Younger generations will watch these films and find them poignant or meaningful while others will rewatch them with a contemporary lens and think "There's more here then I might have initially thought." All of this is to say, I love the movies and I really enjoy engaging with them on a critical level, but I cannot for the life of me understand why everyone right now is so obsessed with the 2001 Steven Spielberg Film A.I. Artificial Intelligence. It's like all of the sudden everyone is talking about the movie A.I all of the time. It's on the news. It's in magazines. Heck, it's even water cooler conversation at work. It's everywhere! People are discussing this Haley Joel Osment film and engaging with it in ways that seem borderline obsessive. And the opinions are so wide ranging and all encompassing. Some are obsessed with the movie A.I. and think of it as the future (whatever that means), while others seem to genuinely loathe it. At my office, people talk in hushed tones about the future of A.I. and whether it will, indeed, put them out of work. I just shake my head. If you're worried about a Jude Law movie taking your job, then I feel bad for you. Especially a movie that isn't, in my humble opinion, even in Spielberg's top 10. The people I work with in the data entry field seem like they are actually afraid of the movie A.I. Artificial Intelligence, which is their prerogative, I guess. Personally, I find Jurassic Park and The War of the Worlds to be considerably more frightening. But I'm also smart enough to know that a movie about dinosaurs or aliens isn't going to steal my mundane, repetitive, data-driven job that pays me far more than I am worth. I understand that A.I. Artificial Intelligence was initially a Stanley Kubrick film project, so that gives it some extra cultural cache. But like, I don't know, why don't you guys spend time talking about movies he actually made? Somehow, A.I. is prompting companies to alter their entire business approach. I see jobs listed on my company's website asking for people to fill roles as "experts" of A.I. By that logic, shouldn't I be seeing a bunch of Barry Lyndon related job postings on the web too. Why aren't companies in the market for experts on the erotic Christmastime classic Eyes Wide Shut? I don't get it. It's as if the whole world has suddenly become obsessed with this, frankly, somewhat sterile and mundane film. I was a part of a company-wide email last week where our CEO said that the company would "be embracing A.I. in new and exciting ways moving forward." I asked my coworkers if they were excited for the upcoming company movie night and they just hung their heads. Maybe they'd rather watch Monster House or something I don't know. Schindler's List is important. Jaws is important. Saving Private Ryan, might even be important. But A.I. Artificial Intelligence is not. My bosses sent me an invite for a meeting where I suspect I'll have the opportunity to outline my feelings on the film. The meeting has a subject line simply titled A.I., and it's scheduled at 4:50 p.m. on a Friday, which strikes me as somewhat unusual. Oh well! I like the 2001 Film A.I. Artificial Intelligence, but is it really worth all this attention?

Rejoice Mortals! We the Gods of Olympus Have Agreed on a New Code of Ethics to Hold Ourselves Accountable

Tue, 28 Nov 2023 23:11:59 +0000

"The U.S. Supreme Court on Monday released a formal "Code of Conduct" for the justices, responding to years of criticism that the nation's highest court does not have transparent or enforceable ethics guidelines. - ABC News Due to some recent concerns about the behavior of the Greek pantheon, we the Gods of Mount Olympus have released a new code of ethics effective immediately. And while these new guidelines are neither legally binding or enforceable - they do allow us Gods to individually reaffirm our commitment to be held accountable to ourselves by ourselves. Previously the head of the pantheon, Zeus, has been publicly opposed to being "reigned in" so to speak. But times have changed and now he understands that yes some of you mortals are concerned that the only merchants to escape Scylla and Charybdis are the ones who just happen to take Poseidon fishing. So from now on, all gifts, offerings, and sacrifices will be disclosed. Whether it is 1000 goat entrails or a single amphorae of olive oil, all will be made voluntarily known to the public. (We want to be clear to any wealthy patrons reading this that our code absolutely does not legally speaking stop anyone from giving us anything. Please feel free to continue sacrificing 14 noble citizens to minotaurs and such.) We swear there will be no undue influence at play in our decisions. And despite eons of previous allegiances, rest assured that the moment one ascends to Olympus they become completely neutral. So when Zeus throws a thunderbolt or Athena hurls the island of Sicily, be gladdened in knowing your divine smiting is 100% impartial. Moving forward all Olympus-to-world travel will now be scrutinized. There will be no more luxury ships of grapes and fanning servants. Now if a mortal woman catches the eyes of Zeus, he will be responsible for finding his own transportation, managing his own lodging, overseeing his own swan transformation, etc. Even the human lovers of Gods will now be assessed. The next time Persephone decides to fund a hostile Spartan takeover, please know her husband Hades will give her a very stern speaking to. And yes technically we've always had these rules. We've just never communicated this with the public. We felt that our dedication to the good of mankind was already so clear we simply did not need to. If there is one thing the Gods of Olympus are known for, it is how delicate our hands are when we choose to meddle in your mortal affairs. So we have done this voluntarily because it saddens us to hear that we are considered capricious and unbound by rules. We would like to remind the public that there is a dignity to being on Mount Olympus, and many of us have worked tirelessly to be here. Does our history of valiant deeds and just rulings not speak for itself? No? Then we would also like to remind the public that we could be worse. Our forebears were the Titans who famously tried to eat their own children (us). Thus we adopt this code of ethics and embrace a new policy of transparency. After all we, your immortal Gods, want you little humans to know we have heard your complaints and your lamentations. They are very important to us, as you are very important to us. Now let us be at peace and have no more talk of forcing anyone to explain themselves in front of the Athenian council.

CARTOON: Post Thanksgiving Rituals

Thu, 23 Nov 2023 11:05:35 +0000

QAnom nom nom- A Handy Guide On How To Celebrate Thanksgiving While Also Maintaining Your Favorite Batshit Crazy Cult Member Beliefs

Thu, 23 Nov 2023 03:57:28 +0000

Make sure to watch the Macy's parade with the sound turned completely off, so that the hypnotic deep state sound waves can't creep into the brains of you and your guests, forcing you all to unknowingly soak up disgusting, Satanic progressive ideals. After removing the tinfoil from all of the covered dishes, reform as hats and distribute to your guests. The Cranberries were a rock bad with a female singer; so probably best to not serve cranberries at your Thanksgiving dinner. Begin initial strategy planning meetings for next month, during which Donald Trump will take over as the new Santa Claus. You can be confident that the turkey has been tainted with microscopic cameras and even several scoops of food-based spyware, so proceed with extreme caution. Luckily, you can most likely douse the turkey with large amounts of gravy in order to short circuit the carefully hidden devices. Be sure to eat lots and lots and LOTS of sweet potatoes. If you eat enough, you may possibly eventually gain a healthy orange glow, similar to our esteemed leader! If you're having any libtard family member guests over for the dinner, be sure to serve them the leftover stuffing that has been in the freezer since last Thanksgiving. Most likely, you're pretty nervous about carving the turkey. Don't sweat it! Just begin with a deep, swooping motion into the center of the breast, similar to how we sacrifice a pregnant goat right before heading out to each and every Trump rally.

Updated Rules For The Turkey Trot T-Shirt Design Contest

Wed, 22 Nov 2023 18:46:42 +0000

Every submission becomes the property of the Kenword Run Club and the county of Fairfield. The submitter attests that their design is their own and is wholly original. The submitter must be a Fairfield County resident as of November 1st, 2023, and not be using the woods behind the high school as a residential address. The design MUST include a cartoon of Turkey participating in a running race. Turkey should not be lighting dynamite underneath Town Hall, looking delighted to punch town clergy, or shotgunning a Polish energy drink called Gushy that the submitter is currently illegally selling out of their garage. The Turkey cartoon character design should not be shown predicting voter fraud in the 2024 Presidential election. The phrase "2023 Turkey Trot Race" must be featured on the shirt but should not be followed by the word "Riot." The T-shirt must not mention the deaths caused by last year's Turkey Trot, the alleged cause, or whether last year's t-shirt was made of highly flammable fabrics ignited by a runner's body heat. If a business wishes to have its name on the t-shirt, it must pay an extra fee of two hundred dollars. They cannot submit a design and then hand out a decoder ring, which onlookers use to correlate with the symbols on the shirt to spell out their business. Submissions featuring depictions of turkeys are acceptable, and turkeys can be parodies of pop culture figures like Barbie or Indiana Jones. Turkeys CANNOT be drawn as hyper-realistic humanoids with enormous genitals. They also cannot be turkey humanoids with tiny genitals that look like Kenword Run Club President Eric Wilder. T-shirts can not have designs predicting the winner, odds of a runner winning, and what local bar is holding bets on which runner will win. Submission should be in a JPEG or TIFF file format. Unknown Russian or black market encrypted picture formats will be reported to the appropriate authorities. T-shirt design can not claim that the Turkey Trot 5K is an Olympic qualifying race. Turkey Trot t-shirt design can not be used as a document to apply for LLC or S-Corp tax status. The t-shirt contest entry fee can not be used as a business write-off even if the submitter shouts nutrition or financial advice while running. A reminder that it is your responsibility as a t-shirt submitter to understand an NFT. Repeated voicemails with questions about NFTs and how to get one on a t-shirt will not be returned. The Kenword Run Club does not reimburse submitters for drawing classes used to create the submission, whether taken in the continental United States or in the summer in a small artist colony in Portugal. You will not be reimbursed for gas and mileage when submitting via email. Any gas receipts will also not be honored or refunded just because they were delivered by the submitter angrily in person. The Kenword Run Club will print the winning design on a t-shirt with traditional sizing; new size suggestions will not be considered, for example, "CUTE! A TINY TINY" or "TARP." The Kenword Run Club reserves the right to cancel the 2023 Turkey Trot 5K if the temperature dips below freezing, the race course is deemed unsafe because of debris, or the t-shirt design triggers another multi-million dollar lawsuit.

Thanksgiving Internationale By Chef Louis

Tue, 21 Nov 2023 22:24:12 +0000

Bon jour, America! We here at the kitchens of Chez Chaz have discussed this many, many times and we had decided it is time. Time to save Thanksgiving from you Americans. The holiday fare is so Americanized. Yes, yes, it is true; turkey, stuffing, apple cider. It is stale, it is stodgy. You Americans, it would kill you to broaden your horizons? My staff and I have been working very hard to introduce a special Thanksgiving menu which we will be serving this year. What we have done is no less than remarkable. Apparently the yams are quite big here. Very well; we present to you Sweet & Sour Potatoes. Notice how the bits of pickle and pineapple contrast with the yam. Tre bien! Jean-Claude Van Damm once killed a man for taking his sweet and sour potatoes. Now, for the main course we have created Turkey Catetori. It just drops off the bone does it not? No more dry, stringy poultry to carve up. This is turkey so tender and so moist, you can practically drink it. And, of course, the water chestnut stuffing. Just like Mao used to make. It has a delightful crunchy texture. We have been hard at work creating the perfect side dishes to compliment these culinary wonders. Here we have the sushi pot pie. You may ask how do you keep the fish raw while you bake the crust? Easy! The crust is raw, too! That is not all: what meal wouldn't be improved with some pumpkin wurst and the mincemeat crapes? Not many, that is for sure! We have outdone ourselves, no? You would think it would be hard to top that. Yet, we have! For desert, the cranberry flambe! Oui. It gives you a real reason to be thankful, no? It certainly makes you wonder what the Pilgrims were thinking. Corn, bah! How could they eat corn when we would serve them a lovely slice of pumpkin l'orange pie? Puritans, who can figure them? So, now that we have set your mouths to watering, we hope to see you at Chez Chaz, the home of the traditional Thanksgiving dinner internationale. Bon appetite!

It's Me, Macy's Ronald McDonald Balloon, Afloat Yet Adrift

Tue, 21 Nov 2023 21:54:53 +0000

At one time, polls showed I was second only to Santa Claus in terms of child recognition. Now? A twelve-year-old just asked if I was Miranda Hobbes. And his mom said yes. I float, yet am deflated. Below me is the greatest city in the world, and I've the greatest view. Yet all I see are visions of bygone corporate synergy. I fear not the heights to which I'm currently tethered and yet am terrified of the depths to which my image has sunk with a once-adoring public. I look down at Central Park, yet the joggers only mock. Health kicks used to be only for celebrities and PE teachers and Sheila, the mom at the pool who all the other parents talked shit about but who you always thought seemed fun. Now all those grownups who would've normally been in my drive-thru line are instead plying their kids with chia pudding before hot yoga-ing away their McMuffin tops. I spy Al Roker throwing to a commercial and can't help but think of all who'll be watching this on their DVRs, therefore bypassing the ads. When I first heard about TiVo, I asked Birdie - I said, "Birdie, what the fuck's it even mean you can fast forward live tv?" and we both guffawed at the notion of our ads being skipped. Of McDonaldland's pop culture omnipresence being blurred by. Of our lil' Fry Guys no longer having regular interstitials from which to be simultaneously cute and creepy. If it were 1988, I'd be flying high. Every other ad would feature my McBullshit. I'd be like, "Oh, no, Hamburglar - come back here with those McDLT's," or playfully dunking some adorable baby McNuggets into their sauce cribs. Your kids would ask to swing by Mickey D's, and neither the words gluten nor açaí would ever be uttered. Upon overhearing a toddler tearfully demanding to know why Wreck It Ralph is both thinner and more terrifying, I recall the biggest problem: that I'm a clownish American in an increasingly anti-clown country. Remember when we didn't all go around casually insisting "clowns are creepy?" Because I do. We clowns were fun. Light. You knew the flower squirted, yet you sniffed our lapels with gleeful abandon. But like Bill Cosby or people having an opinion about the word "moist," redefinition of clowning came from seemingly nowhere. Redefined by the IT movies, sure, but also by Kanye, half of Congress, and makeup trends blurring the line between me and a Gen Z TikToker mean-dancing an opinion into truth. The clown emoji doesn't mean joy - it means the kind of fool who'd think he and Mayor McCheese would get to rule the airwaves indefinitely. I look ahead at Bluey floating by, not a care in the world. Not realizing she too could go the way of Underdog. I've seen it with Barney. And with Baby Shark. And with that old bitch Mr. Monopoly. One day everyone's screaming your name; the next day they're wondering why that weird Ed Sheeran balloon's so goddamn pale. I know my days are numbered here on that broadcast you half-watch while your yam-prepping mom quietly resents everyone's dietary restrictions. I realize we'll never again see a day where I can push a milkshake, cheeseburger, and fries combo onto American children and their parents will call me a hero rather than call CPS. I've accepted that Macy's execs are likely workshopping ways to convert my likeness into that of beloved country western icon Reba McEntire even as we speak. I look toward the Empire State Building and wonder if I should just puncture myself on its spire. Put myself out of my misery. Be done with this world of Ozempic and Sweetgreens and faceless fast food spokespeople who lazily bark, "We Have The Meats!" and just call it a goddamn day. Let the American people see the final demise of an ego they inflated, only to bring down. But why do that when I can instead douse the cast of Back To The Future: The Musical with a hearty stream of my clown piss? Banter your way around this, Hoda Kotb!

CARTOON: Reaping Reflections

Fri, 17 Nov 2023 18:19:46 +0000

Interview With This Year's Presidentially Pardoned Turkey

Thu, 16 Nov 2023 19:58:20 +0000

Weekly Humorist: Hey, nice to see you. Congratulations on the huge victory! It's Travis, right? Travis Turkey: Hello! And yes, that's right. Thank you for the nice words! It's a huge relief, I can tell you. Weekly Humorist: I'll bet. Travis Turkey: I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful… but it's really bizarre, frankly. I had definitely had way over the amount that night, and if anyone else walked away from the wreckage, I didn't see it. Admittedly, I was still pretty stoned, so things were a bit blurry. Really difficult to believe that I've been pardoned, all things considered. But as I said, I am grateful. Especially after causing all that damage on Jan 6th. Weekly Humorist: Oh, um… Travis Turkey: So listen, this has been cool and all, but I really should get going. New lease on life, and all that. I've actually got a pretty full schedule; who woulda thunk it? Weekly Humorist: Well that's exciting! Big plans for the holiday, I guess? Travis Turkey: Yes, lots of great stuff, lots of things needed to get the good work done! Later this afternoon I've got the Trump rally in rural Kentucky. They're expecting a big turnout, so I can't be running behind. Weekly Humorist: The Trump Rally? Travis Turkey: Yeah. I try to go to most of them. It can be tricky. Being a flightless bird and all that. Plus, my driver's license has been taken away permanently, of course. Weekly Humorist: Sure. Travis Turkey: And I've seen you eyeballing these book filled shelves behind me… Weekly Humorist: I had been noticing that! Very impressive collection, most of the classics. So you're going to use your life extension to catch up on your reading? Travis Turkey: Eh… not so much. We've got a big book burning planned for first thing tomorrow morning. This will be the first time that I feel comfortable being near a roaring fire, I can tell you that! But seriously, it should be a fun time. Hey, you should come by! Weekly Humorist: Oh, no thanks. Travis Turkey: Alright, suit yourself. Thanks for this, I guess. Arrest Biden, Stop The Steal!! Weekly Humorist: But Biden was the one who pardoned… ah, never mind.

If You Hire Me to Be Your Social Media Manager, I Guarantee I Will Decrease Your Online Presence

Thu, 16 Nov 2023 18:54:23 +0000

Traditional social media managers make grand promises of growing your internet presence exponentially. They work for million-dollar brands, pushing $75 hair oil and leggings with the butt cut out into the shopping carts of unsuspecting slobs. But not me. I don't work for influencers, or brands, or really anyone who wants more social media followers. I work for the common scroller who realized one day that the internet would be a vastly better place if Aunt Jean stopped commenting "looks like you've been eating well" on your vacation pictures. Are you sick of being perceived online? If so, I am the social media manager for you. If you hire me to run your profiles, I guarantee I will drastically decrease your online presence in 3-5 business days. I'm like Superman if he rescued you from a burning building and then dropped you into the middle of the Atlantic. Or like Batman, doing whatever it is that Batman does. For guaranteed results, I use the SLOP method. SLOP isn't an acronym. SLOP is a meticulously researched and scientifically-backed social media strategy that involves me posting pictures of SLOP to your social feeds every 15 minutes for 30 days. My clients have seen unprecedented success once I implement the SLOP method. When your followers suddenly become spammed with pixelated pictures of buckets and buckets overflowing with unidentifiable grey goop, their follower count will drop faster than a closeted Republican Senator's pants in the bathroom of a Milwaukee, Wisconsin gay bar. Not satisfied with complete irrelevance and want to upgrade to the "Banned Forever" package for just $75 more? You got it. I will change your username on every platform to @luvgenocide12. I will give myself an oozing elbow rash and post it to your LinkedIn. I will post a picture of cat vomit to your local buy and sell group with the caption "Anyone have any ideas?" and get you kicked out forever. There is no Facebook post from 2009 that I won't comment "miss those days, take me back" on. There is no pyramid scheme that I will not post on your Instagram in exchange for special cream to clear up the self-inflicted oozing elbow rash. Just DM me your social media passwords, bank passwords, and social security number, and I'll instantaneously blow up your online presence, steal your identity, and hop on the quickest flight to a country with no U.S. extradition laws. The only platform I don't manage is Twitter. If you want to decrease your Twitter engagement, just tweet.

Frequently Asked Questions Regarding Your New Clone

Wed, 15 Nov 2023 21:12:53 +0000

Congratulations on purchasing your new Cloneique Doppelringer3000. As with any new household addition, there are bound to be a few questions. Here at Cloneique, Inc. we have the expert support and useful tips needed to help you make the most of your whole new you. FAQ How do I turn this thing on? Is it easy to train my clone to do simple household tasks (clean the dishes, do the laundry, etc.)? What is the best way to introduce my friends and family to my clone? Is it ok to bring my clone into the workplace? Is it safe for my clone to work long hours? Are these the right hands? These hands seem way too big. Why does everyone seem to prefer the company of my clone? Why is my clone so much more physically imposing and intimidating than I am? Was it really necessary to make my clone this strong? My wife and the clone are certainly hitting it off. Which is good… right? My clone has just been made supervisor of my department. Will this give me a leg up in my career? I've recently found myself unemployed. Is it possible to adjust my monthly payment plan with Cloneique, Inc? Great news! My clone has agreed to hire me to do odd jobs around the house! Can you recommend a good laundry detergent? That detergent you suggested, how does it do with blood stains? Is there any way you might be able to remove all records of my reaching out to Cloneique, Inc? I'd sure hate for the clone to find out about all these questions. Also, how do I delete the search history from my browser? (Gasp) The clone is home early! Looks like he's been out drinking with his clone buddies!! I-I gotta go!! WHAT'S HE DOING HOME SO EARLY?!?! ……. This morning I woke up in the clone box. Is there any way to open it from the inside? Is there a latch or something? hello?

Literary Classics Reimagined for Flu Season by My Inner Sophomore

Tue, 14 Nov 2023 22:21:43 +0000

Great Expectorations Moby-Drip Slime and Punishment Jane Eyre-ache Tissue of the d'Ubervilles Spittle House on the Prairie The Adventures of Hackleberry Finn Sinus Marner The Fever Dream of the Red Chamber Catch 22 Viruses Bridesheadache Revisited The Scratcher in the Eye Lord of the Flus The T-cell Count of Monte Cristo Atlas Sneezed The Old Man and the Vitamin C The Brothers Koughintheirheadsoff The Lying, the Itch, and the Microbe Breakfast at Sniffany's The Secrete History Their Eyes Were Watering Good The Cold of the Woosters To Have and Have Snot The Grippes of Wrath A Sickroom of One's Own One Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest

We Regret to Inform You That Your Son Has Been Waitlisted for Preschooler Gymnastics

Tue, 14 Nov 2023 22:00:11 +0000

Dear Nicole, Thank you for submitting your application for "Tender Landings - A Reggio Emilia Tumbling Experience for Tots, Level III." We regret that we are unable to offer your son a space in our program at this time. As you know, preschool tumbling is a coveted, highly competitive and, frankly, undervalued branch of the gymnastic arts. Early childhood gymnastics teaches kids vital life skills like "kicking the big ball they're supposed to balance on" and "sliding down the same Fisher Price slide you have in your backyard, but for $30 a lesson." We received dozens of applications this season and can only admit a small number of gymnasts. This year's applicants were a particularly impressive group. Did you know that Liam Edwards, age 39 months, once performed accidental splits while reaching for his Hot Wheels? Two of this year's applicants can stand on one foot while singing refrains from Moana. One child can juggle. Also, in the "Notable volunteer achievements" portion of your son's application, you wrote "N/A (he's three?!)." Many of our preschool gymnasts are already stalwart pillars of their community. Sally Harris, for example, spent over 10 hours volunteering at the Tales of Kale Urban Farm this year, and only ate two or three pieces of rabbit poop in that time. Furthermore, it has come to our attention that you hit "Submit" on your application 0.0004 seconds after Julie Evans, a local mother of four who, you might note, cuts her kids' snacks into adorable flower shapes after writing in her journal each morning. Whether the 0.0004-second delay was a failure of your inferior Wi-Fi or a testament to your lackluster organizational skills is of no matter to us - we simply go by the numbers, Nicole. Please note that we do not make this decision lightly. We take pride in our role as leaders in athletic pedagogy, springing the next generation flexibly into the future. We thank you for trusting us to adjudicate this process, and also for your non-refundable $25 registration fee. Thankfully, we are able to offer you space on our waitlist, which is only 180-children long. If a space opens up, and those 180 other children decline, and no one else piques our interest in the meantime, your son will be our first choice. Even though we hear he once poured oobleck on the cat. Finally, just mentioning this, take from it what you will, you might note that our state-of-the-art physical learning facility is made possible by many generous donors. We are always accepting inquiries from community-minded philanthropists who wish to enhance the lives of youth with a dignified contribution. Like the Kyle Reid Memorial Balance Beam. Thank you again for considering our program. If you do not wish to remain on the waitlist, we wish you the best of luck in finding alternative summer plans for your son, perhaps in "community multisport," last-ditch haven of stragglers and strays. Sincerely, The Homestretch Centre for Bespoke Gymnastics

But Did You Put It on the Calendar?

Fri, 10 Nov 2023 20:38:43 +0000

Look, hon, I know I forgot to pick up Sally from school, but it wasn't on the calendar. You have to put this stuff on our shared calendar. Same goes for remembering to not get fall-down drunk on the very afternoon I was to collect our daughter. I checked; "Don't have three strong Negronis followed by four even stronger Negronis" was nowhere to be found. Put it on the calendar! That's also what's going on with those unsightly stains in my boxers. Sure, you've repeatedly told me I'm vile and should wipe better. But telling me and putting it on the calendar are two different things. To say nothing of me calling your mom a "useless pig with a weak egg salad recipe." You were diligent about marking that particular day as the anniversary of your beloved dad's death, but you fully neglected to ask I not attack my mother-in-law with concerningly misogynistic aggression. Had you put it on the calendar, I might've known. Toots. Or what about when I was walking? And chewing gum? At the same time? Obviously I can do both, but you gotta put it on the calendar. Preferably as separate entries. To say nothing of when you yelled at me for playing PS5 all day. Had you lowered your lady-voice and simply put an endtime in the calendar, then maybe you'd have a point. But you didn't and don't. And you're blocking the TV. Which brings me to yesterday, when you caught me motorboating your sister. How was I supposed to know you'd come home on your break, quietly creep up the stairs, and interrupt my favorite position? You later admitted you'd had a quote, "lingering suspicion," but I sure as shit haven't seen any repeated boys of suspicion on our shared calendar. I trust you see your error here. You're the woman of the house. The queen of all things domestic. I know I don't tell you this enough, but your job as wifey is the most important one of all. Much more important than your actual job as named partner at your firm. But sweets, I need you to do your job. Which reminds me, hon - gonna need you to add "find job" to the shared calendar so that I might remember to start looking for one. I should probably wrap this up, but you didn't put that on the calendar either, so who even knows? I do notice how you've dramatically whipped out what appears to be a handgun for what seems to be a long-gestating homicide. Though looking at the calendar, I see no mention of oops, nope, there it is. "Finally snapped and will seriously pull this goddamn trigger if you don't leave right now" is, indeed, there. But, oh, wait a sec - you marked it at 4am, not 4pm. Typical. Even though you forgot to schedule me a break, I'm gonna take one. At your sister's. Upstairs hamper's full with my debased Hanes, which I can pickup once you're done with them, and I'm done with her. But for the love of God, doll face, put it on the *bang* Annnnnd, I'm bleeding out. Guess I can add my own death alongside your own birth as milestones I should just somehow know. Christ, you're bad at this.

Truly Terrible Signs That You're Attending A Crummy Carnival

Fri, 10 Nov 2023 01:58:31 +0000

The sawdust from the Big Top is used to bulk up large orders of meth. The Haunted House is genuinely haunted by the dozens of people who have died on the rides over the years. Their petting zoo features only tapeworms. Upon closer inspection, the Merry Go Round uses corpses of actual horses. The games on the Midway are all run by Jigsaw from the SAW movies. All of the animals in the Big Top turn out to be kidnapped people in Furry costumes. The House Of Mirrors has been completely taken over by cokeheads. You end up spending all of your tickets on using the porta-potties.

FixDandy's Totally Foolproof, Nearly Entirely Safe, and Probably Almost Legal DIY Guide to Ceiling Fan Replacement

Fri, 10 Nov 2023 01:28:59 +0000

Ready for a new ceiling fan? Take it from me, your friendly internet-neighborhood FixDandy man: No matter how little experience you have, how badly you've botched previous DIY projects, or how many neighbors have sent you cease-and-desist letters, even you can follow my step-by-step guide to install a bit of indoor moving-air heaven. Materials required New ceiling fan Screwdriver Estimated time 45 minutes Open new ceiling fan box; dump pieces on floor. Throw away packaging. Begin disassembling old unit by removing screws that secure manifold to fan engine. Having stripped the thread of those screws by trying to turn the wrong way (Remember: righty-tighty, lefty-loosey!), go to hardware store, purchase screw-removal kit. Add those to materials list. Remove old unit by unscrewing anchoring screws. Apologize to your child, whose fan you are replacing, because, when you failed to hold old fan unit up while removing last anchoring screw, the unit fell on their 8th-grade science project due tomorrow, destroying both it and any lingering chance your child had to get into a magnet high school, then a selective college, and then decent employment that would allow them to cling to a precarious middle-class existence. Call manufacturer about missing L5 screws. Add 1-2 hours. After manufacturer explains that the screw pouch was taped inside the box, retrieve packaging from garbage. Add rubber gloves to materials list, and 10-30 minutes. If by some miracle you find the screws, skip Step 9. Repeat Step 7, adding 1-2 weeks for screw delivery. Open screw package. To recover the R9 washers that you just let roll into the floor HVAC vent, see my guide "How to Retrieve Errant Washers, in 21 Easy Steps"; add 15-17 hours. If unsuccessful, repeat previous two steps. Assemble engine assembly with Pieces C2, T5, and Y7. Call a friend. Have them write gauze, over-the-counter antibiotic, and medical tape on materials list, to treat the vicious gash on your dominant hand caused by trying to pry Piece H2 that you mistakenly affixed to Piece W11. Additional time required varies by wound severity, your pain tolerance, and how recently you have been vaccinated for tetanus. As per manufacturer's instructions to mount new fan engine, "attach B8 to G2 along transverse axis." Do not, under any circumstance, attach F3 to Q3. Trust me on this. Look up definition of "transverse." Repeat Step 14, this time correctly. Wire color-coding conventions are tricky, but FixDandy's got you covered! Proceed as follows: Connect royal blue wire to navy blue wire, midnight blue wire to azure wire, and sky-blue wire to imperial blue wire. Tie remaining wires into one big bundle. Place manifold over fan engine unit. If does not fit, repeat Steps 14-17, up to six times. If manifold eventually fits, skip next step. Patch wall, spackle, and repaint drywall where, in frustration, you just punched a hammer through it. See my "How to Patch a Wall, in 41 Easy Steps." Add 13-19 weeks. Install fan blades 1 and 2. After the third blade cracks because you over-tightened it, order replacement blade. Add 1-2 weeks. Attach third fan blade. Test all fan functions. Add flashlight to materials list. Assuming you correctly followed above steps, you did not connect williamsburg-blue wire to the cobalt-blue wire, thus fan was not grounded. Your home is now without electricity. Call a certified electrician. Depending upon electrician availability, add 4-6 weeks. Repeat Steps 2-8, for removing old ceiling fan assembly, to remove now-destroyed new ceiling fan assembly. Take mental health break. This may add anywhere from 10 minutes to 9 weeks. Go to store and purchase second new ceiling fan. Add hour to 2 hours. To make sure that the new-new unit is the appropriate capacity, calculate room's square footage and compare to manufacturer's specifications. Then, calculate domicile's total square footage. Open Zillow, and conduct cost-benefit analysis of relocating to an equivalent home with functioning c...

Scenes from the CrossStitch Games

Thu, 09 Nov 2023 00:16:02 +0000

LINDA SHUBATONG: Good evening and welcome to our opening coverage of this year's CrossStitch Games! I'm Linda Shubatong and with me tonight is CrossStitch Games legend Peggy Tresta. Peggy, which athletes are you keeping an eye on this weekend? PEGGY TRESTA: Well, Linda, I'm thrilled to be here hosting the Games again and it's a privilege to watch so many talented athletes who will be competing at Chalford Stadium. Of course, the first standout for me is Barbara "Backstitch" Blankenden. LS: I agree. Blankenden is dealing with a little arthritis in her left hand but is still the favorite heading into the weekend. PT: She's going to be tough to beat, for sure, Linda. I have to say, though, that Gloria "All Glory to the Lord" Ninden is a returning standout as well. I was quite impressed last year by her version of La Pieta. There is just such an interesting tension between tradition and modernity in her work. LS: If the rumors are true, Peggy, we may see Ninden take on her most ambitious stitch yet - "Feeding the 5,000." PT: Oh my! Then my prayers are with Ninden. I hope she can finish before hell freezes over! LS: Let's talk about some of our newcomers. For me, Margot "Makin' Moves" Murrette is one to watch. At 17, she's the youngest competitor in CrossStitch Games history and will no doubt be an intimidating presence out on the field. PT: Absolutely, Linda. As long as Murrette can hold back on the amount of glow in the dark thread she uses, her techniques may prove effective in this competition. The judges will see right through that pizzazz - you can't cover up a sloppy performance with a cheap thrill, as we've seen time and time again. Don't remind me of the metallic floss scandal back in 2013… LS: Who could forget that?! Now, I have to say, I'm really curious to see what we have in store with the dark horse stitcher Kaleigh McMarden. She's a self-taught prodigy who watched a lot of cross-stitch videos online during quarantine, and you just can't argue with those nimble fingers and the dexterity she's gained from constant text messaging. PT: It really shows, Linda. Time will tell whether what she lacks in formal training, she can easily make up for in speed and agility. Her backstitch needs work, but I admire how faithfully she can stick to a pattern. LS: Making his CrossStitch Games debut this year, Derek "Double Dribble" Danvo says he, quote, "wanted a challenge." PT: CrossStitch has made intense marketing and PR efforts to bring more men into the sport and scoring Derek Danvo is a slam dunk for the CrossStitch Games. He was professional basketball's 57th overall draft pick in 2018. In CrossStitch, he's my 7th pick. LS: Seventh? Who would you pick ahead of Danvo? PT: I find Brenna "XXX" Havisham exciting to watch because of her unpredictability. You just don't know what you're going to get, Linda! LS: You're not wrong there, Peggy. Last year, she shocked the CrossStitch world by going hoopless in every event at the Games. That was completely unprecedented, and, frankly, a little unnerving! Let's hope that this year she uses less seed beads. PT: I agree. The judges will be keeping their eyes on her. Now let's not forget Melinda Larell. I'm told she's perfected her French knot since last year and is a force to be reckoned with. LS: Sandra "Steppenwolf" Rottinson may seem kind of vanilla to the casual observer, but she has a fire motivating her. She's just dropped her youngest off at college and has a LOT of free time, Peggy, which can only mean a clearer focus and improved performance. PT: WhataboutNorman"TheJeanRipper"Vunello?He'sbackforthefirsttimesincebeing bannedfouryearsago. LS: Well, you remember he was disqualified in the speed round for waxing his thread but he's back and hungry for victory. It will be very interesting to see how the other athletes react to him. PT: Speaking of hungry, have you seen Sarah "The Sampler" Sleighton? Her work stands out for its simplicity and powerful messaging. PT: Sleighton...

Resolving The Diarrhea Paradox Plaguing Us All

Wed, 08 Nov 2023 01:12:50 +0000

Diarrhea…exists. Can God prevent diarrhea? If no, then God is not all-powerful. If yes, then does God know about all the diarrhea I've been having lately? If no, then God is not all-knowing. If yes, then does God want to prevent present and future diarrhea for me and anyone else afflicted? If no, then God is not all-good, nor is He all-loving. If yes, then why does diarrhea exist? If God created diarrhea to test me, then He'd already know how I'd fare against diarrhea (not great) since He's all-knowing. If Satan created diarrhea to torture me, then an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-good, and all-loving God could and would destroy Satan to prevent the further spread of diarrhea and diarrhea-like variants. If God created diarrhea for no reason at all and could've created a universe where diarrhea didn't exist, then why didn't He? If it was God's free will, then could God have created a universe with free will but without diarrhea? If no, then God is not all-powerful, all-knowing, all-good, all-loving, all-right, all-correct, all-that, all-of the above. If yes, then I'll ask once more, why didn't He do that? Why? No, seriously why? WHY!? Because right now, I'd trade some free will for a solid shit!

Despite Recent Events We Will Continue To Sell Our Ghostface Voice Modulator

Wed, 08 Nov 2023 00:26:03 +0000

We want to express our deepest condolences to the victims and families of the recent atrocities. These senseless acts have left us all profoundly shaken. When we were notified that our Ghostface Voice Modulator had been unfortunately misused again we immediately began cooperating with law enforcement. However, while we recognize the gravity of this situation, we want to make it clear that the Ghostface Voice Modulator should not be held responsible for the heinous acts committed by vile individuals. The Ghostface Voice Modulator is an inanimate object. It cannot make decisions or have rational thought. The Ghostface Voice Modulator does not stalk and then stab people. People stalk and then stab. When used responsibly, the Ghostface Voice Modulator can provide hours of amusement to those who engage in safe Halloween time hijinks. Our product is no more responsible than that of a spherical ice cube in an alcoholic's whiskey glass or a rusty nail in an accidental tetanus contraction. The bloody knife-wielding Ghostface mascot featured on the packaging is purely coincidental. If we were to change the name of our product now, it would be an admission of guilt and we cannot do so in good conscience. Also, the Ghostface Voice Modulator slogan "Kill Like A Killer" is taken out of context. "Kill" is a hyperbolic rhetorical device used to describe the gut-busting laughter one can expect when using the Ghostface Voice Modulator. We want to emphasize that we have always condemned violence and we always will. Just as we did in 1996. And again in 1997. And again in 2000. And again in 2011. And again in 2022. And again, now, in 2023. Our financial success during such times do not make these moments any less painful. We'd also like to underscore our significant contributions to charitable organizations and similar tax-deductible philanthropy. To be clear - Murder Manifesto LLC stands united against violence and hatred. We will continue to reflect and pray to prevent such tragic events from occurring again. Thank you for your understanding, your support, and your commitment to a future where the Ghostface Voice Modulator becomes a force for good rather than an instrument of evil.

I'm The Last Green Leaf On This Tree And I Will Not Give In To Fall Peer Pressure

Fri, 03 Nov 2023 16:07:26 +0000

Hi there - I see you're looking at my tree. It's really…something, isn't it? So much yellow and orange and red. "How pretty!" passersby keep saying. Pretty tragic if you ask me. As you've probably noticed, I'm still green. You know why? Because I'm not like my fellow foliage. I'm the only frond left with any fortitude. Every leaf on this tree besides me has fallen victim to vanity. One after another, my normally rational neighbors abandoned their timeless green tints for garish new shades. Eventually, the conceit they cultivate from these colors literally kills them. It's as insidious as we are deciduous. I'm the last of my kind. A botanical bohemian. All the other schlubs on this shrub sacrificed their scruples. But I would never do such a thing. Each day that I choose to wake up this way is a testament to my chlorophyllic character. My integrity is evergreen. It's sad to see what's become of my former buds. What happened to their viridescent pride? I can't help but remember how different things were back in spring, when we were all sunny little sprouts. "Our tree is totally the greenest in the whole forest!" we used to call out into the canopy. "Emeralds have nothing on us!" Now look at those stalkless saps, turning purple and pining for attention. I hope you're satisfied, peeper. This is what you came here for, right? To bask in the "beauty" as my misguided arboreal allies succumb to sick showleafship? Well, take it all in. If only I knew the root of this rotten trend. Maybe I could have stopped it from propagating. But no one would tell me! Every leaf I asked flat out lied. I know because their tendrils twitched as they said it "just sort of happened." Sure it did. Do I look like I bloomed yesterday? Even Herb, who was the first leaf to flip, never revealed a reason. About a month ago, Herb started spotting. Initially, no one thought much of it. Everyone just figured it was blight, or bird poop. But the transformation was only getting started. Soon, Herb's sickly jaundice hue turned to shimmering gold. That's when leaves from across the tree-green, but with envy-began to take notice. It wasn't long before dozens decided to join. Then hundreds. Then thousands. Soon, I was the last lush leaf left. Yesterday, Herb's shriveled burgundy carcass fluttered to the forest floor. It was picked up by a toddler taking a stroll with his mom. "This will make a great centerpiece for your autumn arts and crafts project, sweetie!" I overheard her saying. A harrowing - but most fitting - fate. I may just be vegetation, but it would be fruitful for you to heed my sage advice. You reap what you sow. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Every rose has its thorn. What I'm trying to say is, sometimes going out on a limb can save your life. My very verdant existence is evidence enough. W - Wait a second. What is that? Right there, near my stem. Is that…a splotch of yellow? No, this can't be! Am I…just like every other leaf? Destined to expire from excessive ego? Doomed to die in a fiery spectacle of superciliousness? Well shit. Ignore everything I said a minute ago.

Can We Circle Back On This Exorcism?

Thu, 02 Nov 2023 21:54:00 +0000

Good afternoon Father, I hope this email finds you well. I'm looking forward to collaborating with you on excavating a demon from my mortal soul. Unfortunately, I'm at full capacity this week and will be unable to accommodate this ritual in my schedule until midway through Q4. I know you're eager to get the rosary beads rolling, so I thought we could touch base and I could bring you up to speed on the full scope of this project. Before we put our heads together on this (side note: my head sometimes rapidly rotates 360 degrees so it may be challenging to literally put our heads together) there are some action items we need to flesh out. (Mmm…flesh. I knew I shouldn't have worked through lunch.) Deliverables: The main deliverable will be one raging, red-faced, fanged demon. Bandwidth: Between projectile vomiting nonstop and climbing ceilings upside down, I'm having a hard time conquering my to-do list. I'm hoping you'll spearhead the majority of this project. Quality Assurance: Do you have a nun lined up who can QA your work and assure you're following best de-possession practices? Additionally, here are some key metrics to consider: 60%-The amount of time the demon has full faculties of my brain 19- The number of neighborhood pets I've ingested while possessed 666- The number of tally marks I've carved on my cubicle wall I believe if we synergize our efforts we can tackle this demon and impress all relevant stakeholders (i.e. God). Please circle back with me by EOW so I know we're on the same page. I'm hoping we can sort this out so it doesn't bleed into next fiscal year. Also, so my eye sockets stop bleeding. Best, HAILLLLLL SATANNNNNNN Sorry that was the demon, Jeff

It's The Other Door, Stupid

Thu, 02 Nov 2023 20:37:45 +0000

You complete and utter buffoon. Are your eyes broken? Did you not see the glaringly small sign pointing at the correct door? Surely you must be recovering from some sort of invasive eye surgery to miss a sign that obvious. I'm laughing at you, you fool. Answer me this, halfwit. Why would both doors be open? I pegged you for a bonehead the moment you approached. Next time, I will anticipate your birdbrain and point and shout minutes before your hand touches the handle. Your lone brain cell will thank me. I can't believe it. You tried a second time! You dope. You absolute loon! I'm on my knees! If you don't feel shame then allow me to shame you. Everybody look! There is a nitwit amongst us. Somehow he lives and breathes. His mere presence is proof enough God exists, as this oaf has made it to adulthood unscathed. I bet you don't feel shame. An imbecile such as yourself no doubt has ignorance of his imbecility. The bliss of that being could cure the world of all its pain. Wow. Listen to me. Your obtuseness has me longing for stupidity of my own. My god you're slow! The stooge is looking around, confused. His thoughts are circling. I can read them now. Are they closed? But they can't be closed, it's the middle of the day and there's an employee looking at me. There's no one to help you but yourself. You need to figure this puzzle out on your own or you will never learn. Hello dummy! Stop looking around. It's right in front of you, you putz. Were you lobotomized and let loose? Christ, must I hold every dingbat's hand. I fear if I don't intervene, the sap will be standing there all day. Hold on. The dunce is starting to understand now. I can see the hamster wheel turn. There you go. Yes, try the other door… No! Push, idiot!

I'm Being Haunted By a Farting Ghost

Tue, 31 Oct 2023 22:53:08 +0000

What do you imagine when you hear "ghost haunting"? Doors opening and closing on their own. Lights turning on and off. Blankets being pulled from someone while they are asleep. What I wouldn't give to be the victim of a typical haunting. The ghost who's haunting me farts. A lot. This ghost breaks wind like black belts break wooden boards: for sport and with forceful execution. Ghosts are known to wreak havoc on their victims. Mine is reeking havoc on me. I'm being tormented by all kinds of farts. Loud farts. Long farts. Trumpety farts. Whooshing farts. Farts that sound like a pressurized valve being released. Silent, sneaky farts. Flappy farts. Wet-sounding farts. Deep, baritone farts. Farts that go up in pitch at the end, as if they're asking a question. People are skeptical enough of ghosts as it is, let alone one who haunts with flatulence. Try telling someone, "The fart you just heard wasn't mine, I swear. It belongs to a ghost." Even people who believe in ghosts don't believe me. Paranormal scholars don't have any documentation of ghosts farting. It just sounds like something I made up to deflect the blame of a really bad fart. Initially, the ghost would fart in a room separate from the one I was occupying. When I would go to investigate the sound, I would walk directly into the ghost's stink trap. Imagine if a sewer and a durian fruit had a baby. Now imagine changing the diaper of this hybrid sewer/durian baby. It smelled like that, but worse. The smell of a ghost's fart lasts much longer than a human fart. It's almost as if each fart is a small ghost whose job is to set up camp and haunt whatever space it was released into. Nothing gets rid of the odor. I've tried everything. Vinegar. Baking soda. Febreeze. Hell, I even bought one of Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina candles. It didn't mix well with the existing fart smell. Now the ghost enjoys farting in close proximity to me, especially in enclosed spaces. My car. The shower. Under the blankets of my bed. In an attempt to breathe clean air, I bought an oxygen mask. The ghost allowed me to use it, letting me think I'd found a solution. When I got the oxygen tank refilled, the ghost secretly replaced the contents with its own gas, turning it into a sick contraption from one of the Saw movies. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, the ghost decided to follow me outside of the house. Now there's nowhere I'm safe from its sulphury secretions. I live my life in fear. I never know when the ghost is going to let one rip, but I can be sure of two things: it will make it seem as if I am the one farting and it will time its gas to be released at the most embarrassing of moments. Standing in a checkout line at the grocery store I seem like the most brazen wind breaker, drawing the ire and disgust of my fellow shoppers. Taking elevators is out of the question. The ghost got me kicked out of my own Meemaw's funeral. During what was supposed to be a moment of silence, it sounded like I was ripping a phonebook in half. Do you know how hard it is trying to date when you're being haunted by a farting ghost? You only get one shot at making a first impression and there's no redeeming yourself after a ghost frames you for a cacophony of deafening farts. I tried contacting prominent paranormal investigators, but when I start to explain my situation they think I'm pulling some kind of immature prank. I've had priests visit me for the purpose of performing an exorcism. However, they need to see to believe - a head turning all the way around or at least some otherworldly projectile vomit. Without any visual proof, I just have an apartment that smells like I was hosting a chili eating contest where every contestant was severely intolerant to beans. In an effort to help this foul phantom move on from our world, I thought celebrating its emissions might be the solution. I excitedly asked people to pull my finger, anticipating the thunderous follow-up, but the ghost wouldn't cooperate and ...

No Treats? Here Are Some New Tricks!

Fri, 27 Oct 2023 02:05:27 +0000

Your identity disguised by a Halloween costume, moon their Ring doorbell camera. Initiate their house pets into a local gang. When they're out of town on vacation, rent out their house to film porn. Really messy stuff. Paint their lawncare equipment a hot neon pink color. Steal one of the hanging ghost decorations from their front yard, fashion it into a diaper for your baby/elderly parent/grandparent to wear for 24 hours, then return it to it's original position in their front yard. Throw their own eggs at their house, so that they're forced to gather the funds to go out and buy more. Hold a well attended yodeling contest in their back yard. Set up a dozen or so porta potties on their front lawn. Trap a particularly violent poltergeist in their bird-house.

LinkedIn Recommendations for Halloween

Thu, 26 Oct 2023 23:19:03 +0000

Recommendation for Igor, Lab Technician Frankenstein's Monster Monster, Linguist, Big Brother Volunteer "Not like digging own cadavers for unholy experiments? I recommend Igor to scientist looking for qualified, reliable lab tech. Igor friend. Misshapen back is ugly rumor, total fake news. Igor back good. Igor take abuse and like it. Whip, chain, stick, no preference. Igor bring sense of dedication to workplace, inspire all of us to do best. And in case wondering, Igor quit job, not get fired…. Noooo! FIRE!! Arrrrrggggghhhhh!!! FIRE BAD!!" Recommendation for Cindy, Virginal Camp Counselor Jason Voorhees Serial Killer, Ecologist, Hockey Aficionado "What can I say about Cindy that others haven't already said of the Mona Lisa? Beauty, grace, and a poor sense of direction. I first met Cindy when I was beheading a rapscallion named Tony, who'd recently fornicated. Cindy had witnessed this from across the lake and put forth a blood-curdling scream that was the envy of banshees everywhere. Thus began what would become, not simply a chase between killer and counselor, but a metaphor for our diverging workplace principles. There I was with my slow and steady approach to chasing victims, while Cindy went full-speed ahead, seemingly unconcerned for the path's many tripping hazards, nor the fact that she was running while wearing entirely inappropriate footwear. Well, it was at that moment that I paused to admire Cindy's go-getter attitude. Her ability to run and scream beyond the point of exhaustion was a true demonstration of multi-tasking personified. These days, now able to kill two to three teenagers at once, I can say with the utmost appreciation that my short time working with Cindy left an indelible mark on this prolific, but humble, serial killer." Recommendation for Raeford Morton Renfield, Personal Assistant Count Dracula Nosferatu, Prince of Darkness BS, Transylvania Tech "As many of you know first-hand, a goood man eez hard to fine. Renfield however has beeen zee best personal assistant I've had, by far. And I've literally had thousands. Eager to please, Renfield goes above and beyond zee usual efforts of mortals. Zee old college try, I believe eet is called. No request eez tooo outrageous for Renfield, no victim tooo young to satisfy my need for satiety, for blood is life. Dedicated weeth all heez heart, Renfield puts the feel in fealty. Whenever I travel abroad, he always packs my coffins just zee way I like. Were I immolated by zee sun's rays right now, I could take comfort een knowing zat my faithful servant, Renfield, eez dusting my brides and maintaining the many vet appointments for zee children of zee night. Oh sure, he eez sometimes described by some as a bit, well, buggy. But dat eez because Renfield is of zat rare breed of men quickly becoming extinct in today's world. Renfield eez born to serve. And happily does so without complaint or compensation."

A Haunting Plea to the HOA: Halloween Decor Disaster

Wed, 25 Oct 2023 19:04:00 +0000

Subject: A Haunting Plea to the HOA: Halloween Decor Disaster Dear Esteemed HOA, Greetings from Apartment 3B, where Paul, the self-proclaimed defender of sanity, would like to issue a pre-emptive strike against the impending Halloween decor about to engulf our building. I hereby cast my vote in favor of banning these festive accouterments in the name of safety! Who can forget Halloween of '16? Yes, the year Janice's screaming skeleton reduced poor Bob's already beleaguered heart to a quivering mess. Sure, he had high cholesterol and tobacco addiction, but that infernal skeleton was the final straw. Or how about Halloween of '18, when my cat, Mr. Whiskers, became entangled in Marvin's fake spider web? That plastic arachnid gazed into his soul, traumatizing him for a full twenty minutes! Trust me, several animal psychologists can attest that Mr. Whiskers was never quite the same afterward. And what of Stephanie's audacious act of hanging a witch beside my door right after my cataclysmic divorce from an actual witch, Melinda, who left me to start a coven Upstate? The crassness of that gesture is not forgotten. It felt very pointed considering that Stephanie follows Melinda on Instagram and knows about the coven. And let's not forget the cruel temptation of lobby candy bowls, tormenting poor Mrs. Engel, who has diabetes, as she clings to her bag of insulin, walking past those sugary snares every day. But the elevator ghosts on the first floor? They're another matter entirely, mocking the real spirits that infest our building. I can hear their ethereal disapproval in the middle of the night with every creak of a floorboard and tilt of a picture on my wall. I've actually been "seeing" one of them and she's stunning - nothing like those caricatures! Now, let's turn our attention to the pumpkin problem. What a monstrous waste of food! Think of the shelter dogs craving a tasty pumpkin treat or the homeless souls who haven't tasted pumpkin pie in years. And yet, here we are, scooping out these gourds and tossing their innards in the trash. I've perused the building's dumpster and seen the horror of this waste firsthand! (Speaking of going through the trash, I suspect Penelope in 2H is harboring an illicit pet… But you didn't hear it from me.) Consider this letter my formal complaint, dear HOA, and let it be known that I stand firmly for a Halloween-free, pumpkin-preserving, sanity-upholding home. Yours unapologetically, Paul from Apartment 3B

How to Tell Whether Someone is a Spooky Costume Person, a Silly Costume Person, or a Sexy Costume Person

Tue, 24 Oct 2023 23:01:53 +0000

If someone has fall-themed hand towels in their bathroom, they are a spooky costume person. (This year, expect that person to be: a Vampire) If someone listens to Vampire Weekend the moment the leaves start changing color, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society ) If a man has a favorite pair of overalls, he is a silly costume person. (This year: One of those inflatable horse riders) If he has a favorite leather jacket, he is a spooky costume person. (This year: A mummy) If a woman's favorite pair of overalls are leather, she's a sexy costume person. (This year: Catwoman). If a man's favorite sports team has a namesake and/or a logo featuring a member of the feline family, he is a sexy costume person. (This year: shirtless Joe Biden.) If a person has a favorite pinball machine, they are a spooky costume person. (This year: The Creature from The Black Lagoon) However, if that favorite pinball machine is Bally's 1977 classic Evel Knievel game, that person is a silly costume person. (This year: Rod from Hot Rod ) If a woman watches all seven seasons of Gilmore Girls between October and December, she is a spooky costume person. (This year: Frankenstein's monster) If a man does the same, he is a silly costume person. (This year: Dr. Frankenstein) If anyone shed a tear during Gilmore Girls ' Season 4, Episode 22, the episode called "Raincoats and Recipes," well, that makes them human. (They won't be dressing up or going out this Halloween, and that's OK .) If anyone cheers for the Kansas City Chiefs because they enjoy watching a revolutionary offense led by generational talent Patrick Mahomes, they are a spooky costume person. (This year: The Headless Horseman) If anyone cheers for the Kansas City Chiefs because they enjoy reading tabloid drama about Travis Kelce & Taylor Swift, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Travis Kelce or Taylor Swift) If anyone cheers for the Kansas City Chiefs because they fantasize about eating a rack of spare ribs slathered with Kansas City BBQ sauce with legendary coach Andy Reid, they are a sexy costume person. (This year: Dorothy from Wizard of Oz, aka "the original Kansas Hottie," with the blue and white gingham halter top and Ruby stilettos) If someone's fridge contains over six (6) pumpkin spice beers, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Any character from Sex Education ). Unless they brewed the beers themselves. Then they are a spooky costume person (This year: The bad guy from SAW ) If someone has a personal best corn maze escape time, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Nicole Kidman in the AMC Movie Theater Ad.) (Note: If this person is a parent, they are still a silly costume person but that costume will be homemade, involve a couple hundred square feet of cardboard, utilize a complex system of levers and pulleys and hydraulics, and integrate the baby stroller or wagon.) If someone's favorite Halloween movie is Halloween , they are a spooky costume person. (This year, just like every year since 1978: Michael Myers from Halloween ) If someone's favorite Halloween movie is The Addams Family , they are a silly costume person. (This year: Pugsley) If someone knows their high score in The Addams Family pinball game, they are a sexy costume person. (This year: A very suggestive Cousin Itt) If someone's favorite Halloween movie is It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown they are both a silly costume person and a spooky costume person. (This year: Sheet ghost) If someone has a Snoopy tattoo, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Gumby) If someone has a Woodstock tattoo, they are a sexy costume person. (This year: Lumberjack or Lumberjill. Real hatchet included.) If someone eats candy corn by the handful and appears to enjoy it, they are a sexy costume person. (This year: Uma Thurman as Pulp Fiction 's Mia Wallace.) If someone brings a charcuterie board to a Halloween party and uses prosciutto and cheese to replicate witches f...

Failed Pitches From The Guy Who Invented Flamin' Hot Cheetos

Tue, 24 Oct 2023 22:40:22 +0000

Highly Flammable Cheetos A Hint of Danger Cheetos Cheetos "That Burn You" Flamin' Hot Brie Cheese Exhaustive Temperature Bagel Bites Too Hot For Your Hands Pizza Rolls Twinkies Baked In Fire Excruciatin'ly Burned Munchies Boilin' Hot Mountain Dew Intolerably Heated Yam Crisps Distressin'ly Pungent Chili Chips Loudly Warm Funyuns Agonizin'ly Mild Totino's Pizza Rolls Surprisin'ly Moist Cheetos Soppin Wet Doritos Uncomfortably Dry Sour Patch Kids Alarmin'ly Flat Cheetos Fur flavored Ruffles Pepsi flavored Coke Hot Butter Pecan Surge Hot Butter Pecan Slim Jims Confusin'ly Bland Reese's Pieces Highly Seasoned Bubble Yum Irritatin'ly Sweet Doritos Werther's Original Tostitos Weirdly Cozy Soup Mozzarella Sticks (but spicy)

Sorry, Kid, No Handouts - Here's How You Can Earn Your Halloween Candy

Fri, 20 Oct 2023 00:00:35 +0000

Carry Your Own Pillow Case Full Of Candy, For the Love of God: Real Americans carry their own weight, even if they're only 65 pounds. If you really want this candy, you wouldn't have to rely on your parents to carry your pillow case that you use to collect your free hand outs. Mommy's not always going to be around to put dinner on the table and wash your ass, so it's time to start chipping in around the house, and that starts with carrying your own sack. So sack up! Work 40 Hours A Week At A Lemonade Stand: Working isn't fun, but guess what is? Eating fun size 3 Musketeers, bud. If you come knocking on my door screaming that little Trick or Treat Smell My Feet song and dance, you'll need to back that up with your most recent pay stubs from your lemonade stand where you charge 50 cents a cup. Yes little boy, I know what you're going to ask - a W-2 form will work here. Trade Your Candy for My Healthy Food: Beggars can't be choosers. If you're looking for candy, you don't seem like the type of kid who can make responsible decisions for themselves in the first place. If I'm going to come to your aid (because I'm a God-fearing Christian and my HOA requires that we hand out candy), I want to know that you're eating cheap yet healthy food, not candy cigarettes, Pop Rocks, and Snickers, the prime rib of Halloween candy. Trade me your sack and I'll hand you a brown banana and an expired package of turkey lunch meat instead. There's your protein! Prove You Have a Clean Criminal Record: Sorry, not sorry but I don't want child felons to be knocking on my door asking for an Almond Joy. Even if you're not technically a murderer, I have a proud 'tough on crime' stance. Stealing from the cookie jars is theft and lying to the teacher that your dog ate your homework is perjury - both deserve life in prison if I was a judge. Think about how much you love your little Reese's Pieces before you throw a tantrum in the toy aisle at Walmart. Pay Up: Want to get things done like a real adult? Pay your hard-earned tooth fairy money and bribe me. Cigarettes, hooch, allowance money and you'll get all the candy in the world. This is how business is done, and the younger you learn, the more likely you'd succeed as a Congressman. Pass a Drug Test: I refuse to give out my hard-earned Good & Plenty to kids high on drugs. Is that cocaine on your lips? I can see that you have an empty Pixie Stick package in your hand, but I'm going to assume it's cocaine, for my sake. Looking at how hyperactive you are, I wouldn't be surprised if you were under the influence, so I'll have to test you. Luckily I have some at-home drug tests on hand, for when my nephew Dylan who likes Dave Matthews Band comes to visit. Burn The Midnight Oil: Oh it's a school night? Your bedtime is 8 p.m.? Well if you want this small, 1 oz. bag of M&Ms, you're going to have to burn the midnight oil and ring my doorbell to show that you're willing to work. Even if you're in your Paw Patrol onesie, you need to drive yourself over in your Hot Wheels car at 9:30 p.m. because hard-working Americans like us with a bad work-life balance don't clock out at 5 p.m. Put An #OpenToWork Badge On Your LinkedIn Profile Picture: Yeah, you may be scared of the dark and the 12-foot skeleton in my yard, but are you brave enough to be vulnerable on LinkedIn? You may be only 8-years-old but if you don't have a job right now, that means you're unemployed and you're going to need to at least prove you're adult enough to admit it. The #OpenToWork badge on your LinkedIn profile that I know you have shows me you're serious about getting a job and receiving a mini Kit Kat bar. Lay Down Your Assets: I'm not privy to pandering to kids who take advantage of the system. What candy do you already have? Spread it all out on the front lawn that I never mow and show me. Wow, two king-sized Reese's? Numerous Skittles packages, and a plethora of Twix? Seems like someone's already been taken care of by other people like me who actua...

Lame Late Night Horror Shows

Thu, 19 Oct 2023 23:21:15 +0000

Halloween is a great time for scary movies. Especially bad scary movies. Especially these: "The Power-Walking Dead"- The country becomes overrun by zombies that walk really fast. "Frankenstein Meets the Press"- We get the monster's views on bread and fire. "I was a Teenage Teenager"- The gruesome tale of a young girl who hits puberty. "Godzilla v. Mothra"- The tale of the lawsuit that shook Japan! "Hidden Dragon, Crouching Pumpkin"- The stunt-wire remake of "The Legend of Sleepy Hallow." "T.G.I.Friday the 13th"- Where terror is on the menu. And sliders. "Aberzombie & Finch"- Zombies overrun a mall and be stylin'! "CSI: Transylvania"- They are the specialists the police call when villagers with torches and pitchforks aren't enough. "When Harry Met Frankenstein"- What happens when best friends become lovers and then become victims? "See-SAW"- Horrible things happen down at the playground. "It Came From Outer Mongolia"- A yeti makes its way to New York and soon the ASPCA is after him. "Queen Kong"- Giant ape escapes and destroys San Francisco. "The Cabinet in the Woods"- A cupboard is a portal to hell and ugly china.

Ouija Board Do's And Don'ts

Wed, 18 Oct 2023 22:12:00 +0000

DONT use your Ouija as a cheese board during a supernatural-themed dinner party, particularly if the ghosts you will be contacting are lactose intolerant. DO use your Ouija in order to befriend ghosts who can tell you if your High School PE Coach went to Hell, and if so, detailed descriptions of what sort of stuff is happening to him there. DON'T leave your Ouija board in the rain overnight. This will cause significant water damage and warping to the board, which oftentimes will damage the connection and mean that you will be limited to contacting MAGA ghosts. DO allow ghosts to reach out for friendship by providing you with your neighbor's Wi-Fi password. DON'T ever, ever, have sexual intercourse on top of the board (just kidding; if you're playing around with a Ouija board in your mom's basement, there's probably little chance for any sort of sexual activity to happen within that area). DO leave the Ouija board out on the living room table for all to see, in particular to freak out Jehovah's Witnesses who stop by for a visit. DON'T store your Ouija board in the same game storage area as The Game Of Life, as this could potentially cause all of existence to fold in upon itself. DO ensure that the board's wooden planchette be appropriately coated with hand sanitizer, as many of the dead people you'll be speaking with probably died of really gross diseases.

Gotham City's Ladies' Charitable Auxiliary Wishes to Apologize

Wed, 18 Oct 2023 01:10:50 +0000

We regret the unfortunate disruption at our recent "Jungle Cats" fashion gala. Odd as it may sound, we honestly did not foresee Catwoman's appearance. Certainly, displaying a live jaguar at a crowded soirée showed poor judgment, but we are pleased to say the animal was recaptured without harm. We are also sorry that Batman's visit was necessarily so brief, and regret we are unable to convey our members' thanks directly. We know how you would like to thank him and have similar private expressions of gratitude in mind. We have been advised rather forcefully that the Bat-Signal may not be used to issue cocktail invitations. We likewise regret that Catwoman's impromptu entrance revived so many traumatic memories from last year's Catwalk for Charity, our auction of the Cat's Eye Ruby, and our imprudently-named Catalyst for Change banquet. Upon reflection, we should really start a dog show. We cannot, however, bring ourselves to apologize for Catwoman's attack upon our spring charity auction because said auction had a "catalog." I mean, really. We are sorry that Poison Ivy saw fit to disrupt our annual orchid show once again. Our Board of Trustees has resolved not to discontinue this popular fundraiser simply because a costumed lunatic has attacked it three years out of the last five. The Gotham City Ladies' Charitable Auxiliary refuses to let scantily-clad eco-terrorists win. We are saddened by members' anxieties about our upcoming Winter Carnival, but the Board is adamant. We will not end this cherished Gotham City tradition because the person calling himself "Mr. Freeze" feels a compulsion to botch yet another half-baked criminal scheme in a humiliatingly public way. We hereby renew our Club's annual tradition of urging him to seek a competent psychotherapist. Likewise, the Board will entertain no further proposals to cancel our annual Harvest Fair. We, too, regret that this wholesome, family-friendly event has so often been misconstrued as an invitation to chemical-weapons attack by some numbnuts dressed as a scarecrow. But we no longer feel our event programming is the problem. We're sorry we can't have a pub trivia event without the Riddler holding us hostage. We're sorry we cannot hold a black-tie event without an incursion by the Penguin. We will regret our encounter with the Joker until the day we die, but we were just playing cards, goddammit. It was bridge night! This is not on us. Also, we're sorry, but who the fuck is "Calendar Man?" Who knew that was even a thing? We were celebrating New Year's Eve, like normal people in a functional city. Our mistake, it seems. We repent the many donations we have solicited for the Gotham Police Benevolent Association. We regret from the depths our souls that our taxes pay these flatfooted goobers' salaries. We cannot express our disappointment that the Gotham Police can neither stop nor briefly impede the endless procession of garishly-dressed sociopaths who gate-crash our events. The Fashion Police would keep us safer. Any grown man wearing a gumdrop-colored chalk-stripe suit really should be taken in for questioning. We furthermore regret that the thirty million dollars we have raised over the years for Arkham Asylum have not been used to purchase even a single door that fucking locks We are sorry to report that, despite our members' enthusiasm, Batman has not accepted our repeated invitations. Not to our cocktail reception in the Gotham Zoo's Bat House, not to our private performance of Die Fledermaus, not to our celebrity a capella version of Bat Out of Hell. We thought he'd interrupt that last one as a crime in progress, but no. We are sorry that you had to sit through that. We apologize for the guano in your Manhattans. We are pained to say that Commissioner Gordon, whose salary our taxes pay, would not permit use of the Bat-Phone to share our social availability. And, sorry not sorry, we are surprised our partners at the Wayne Foundation could not be more helpful. You know ...

Scent Memories From the Last Time I Went Camping

Wed, 18 Oct 2023 00:17:55 +0000

Description: It's a crisp spring morning at our home in Johnston, Pennsylvania, filled with anticipation and relief that school is out for the summer. I'm nine and three-quarters. Our camping trip is special, since it's the one week out of the year we're all together as a family. Dad's grunting as he loads the tent into the car makes me laugh. Top Notes: Dust mites and gasoline Middle Notes: Eggo Toaster Waffles (Buttermilk) Base Notes: Freshly brewed coffee Description: After a four-hour drive, we're finally upstate by Lake Eerie, but Dad took two wrong turns because Mom was talking over the GPS, so we're a little late. Things are kinda tense, but I grab my backpack and jump out of the car. My sister follows and immediately steps in dog poop. Mom takes a deep breath while she grabs the Clorox wipes. Top Notes: Fecal Matter Middle Notes: Antiseptic Base Notes: Morning dew Description: Dad huffs and puffs to put up the tent, but he forgot the center pole at home. Mom's voice is three octaves higher than normal. She slowly unpacks the food, placing hot dogs in the cooler with a crack in it. The sun peeks out from behind the clouds and Dad begins to sweat. He changes his shirt to the one he wore two nights ago, except now, I notice there's lipstick on the collar. And it's not Mom's signature shade. Top Notes: Solar accord and raw hot dog Middle Notes: Sweat Base Notes: Iris and Orris root Description: I've sat in this one spot for hours now, playing with a stick. Dad returns from collecting firewood, but it's damp and won't catch. Mom shouts, "Oh great, Jim, just another thing you can't do right!" Dad ignores her, while he takes a shot of Maker's Mark. Tears stream down my little sister's face as she finishes the last apple juice. The dog poop is still crusted on her shoe. Top Notes: Bourbon Middle Notes: Cedar and apple Base Notes: Smoke, tears, fecal matter Description: The fire has finally caught, but Mom says it's a sad excuse for a fire and he's a sad excuse for a man. Dad says he won't take this in front of his children. Mom says, "Okay, you just nurse your bottle of booze, Jim, and I'll keep raising the kids by myself while you sneak around with that pig in her ombre headband, you sad, lonely, unemotional shell of a person." Dad throws down the kindling and lighter and storms off to our car, leaving us alone in the dark. I haven't eaten since this morning's Buttermilk Eggo waffle. Top Notes: Mom's perfume: warm amber and cinnamon Middle Notes: Soft earth Base Notes: Soot and despair Description: Dad peels out of the campsite in our 2001 Honda Pilot and mud flies everywhere. The ground is still wet from the week's rain and Dad loses control, swerving wildly. He hits a silver maple tree and the front of the car crumples. He gets out, looking shell shocked, as the engine begins to smoke. He goes to pop the hood and at that moment, there's an explosion of smoke and blaze. He runs back over to us, eyes wide and panting. Mom takes a sip from her Stanley Cup, looks at the mushroom cloud and says, "Wow, Jim, all it took was you being an irresponsible idiot to start a fire." Top Notes: Petrichor Middle Notes: Gasoline, again Base Notes: Earthy notes, and wood burning Description: We watch as our family car is engulfed in flames. Someone at another campsite yells, "call 9-1-1!" Dad looks at me and my little sister for the first time since we arrived and says, "Your mother and I are getting a divorce." Top Notes: Gasoline Middle Notes: More Gasoline Base Notes: Also Gasoline

Are You Living Through Menopause Or The Climate Crisis?

Thu, 12 Oct 2023 14:58:47 +0000

You're too hot all the time, except when you're too cold. You didn't think it would begin when you were this young. Not enough people are trying to find a solution for it. Natural cycles that have been predictable for decades are changing drastically. It's causing you to lose sleep. You thought you were prepared but you don't have nearly enough portable fans or lightweight, loose-fitting clothing. Your uncle doesn't understand it. The boob sweat is real. It's no longer a good time to try to get pregnant. There is no moisturizer strong enough to counter its effects on your skin. You now cry when you watch An Inconvenient Truth. Denying it just makes it worse. It's happening much faster than you thought it would. Air conditioning is only a temporary solution. Former wetlands are rapidly drying up. It's making you really fucking pissed at pretty much everyone. If your mother makes one more comment about how you're overreacting to it you're going to scream. It is getting increasingly unpleasant to leave the house. You are thinking about your own mortality. You really want some ice cream. Key 1-20: Both

Acceptable Ways To Pronounce "Entrepreneuer"

Thu, 12 Oct 2023 14:38:29 +0000

Under Purr Knower Entree Panera Intrepid Noir Horny Paratrooper Enter Pee Manure Itchy Prawn Nord Entropy Newark Entreaty Bon Air Entendre Peener Eat a Prenatal Tumor Aunt Reuben Neuter I'm Trippin' Over Experimental Primer Intruder Pawner Interpret Punner A Nan Tray Preparer In Truth, Pronounce Whatever Underprepared Nutter

QUIZ: ALF or MILF?

Wed, 11 Oct 2023 20:30:57 +0000

1) Extremely hairy, and if we're being honest, a bit smelly. 2) Tends to spend a lot of time getting into adventures with teen boys in the neighborhood. 3) Rife with a host of odd fungi and parasitic insects that are seemingly not of this world. 4) An awkward embarrassment to other members of the household. 5) When antics are captured on video, chaos ensues amongst family members. 6) Rumors lead to unwanted attention from neighbors and others. 7) Can't be trusted to stay clothed at any time. 8) Responsible for the chlamydia outbreak at last year's Adult Video News Awards. Answer Key: 1 - 7 all MILF, 8 ALF

You're Probably Wondering Why There's an Empty Pizza Box in My Trunk

Tue, 10 Oct 2023 20:53:49 +0000

I can see that you're wondering why there's an empty pizza box in my trunk. That's perfectly fair. A dead body would have been easier to justify. Car trunks are supposed to house proper car accoutrements like windshield wiper fluid and jumper cables and maybe a recently bought and forgotten blender. That's respectable trunk fare. It's not the place for the empty take out food containers, especially one that appears to be a giant 16 inch pizza box not normally meant for car consumption. No one eats entire pizzas in cars - that's just preposterous. Burgers, sure. I mean, drive-ins have existed in the US since Kirby's Pig Stand opened in Dallas in 1921, the thinking being that since customers were often driving up to restaurants in cars, why not just hand them the food through the window, you know? So empty burger boxes, burrito wrappers, and fried chicken containers became a familiar sight in unkempt cars. Pizza boxes, not so much, and I'll get to that. Obviously there are few drive-through pizza places, and even if they exist, they're meant for picking up an ordered pizza and taking it back home to be set upon a table of some sort. I see what you're saying. There's nowhere in a car to place a giant pizza box. It won't fit on the dashboard or the seat and you can't really balance it on the wheel or half out the window like a tray at an old-fashioned 1950s drive-inn. That's true. Nor can a pizza box be used to transport other things, like one would do with a shoe box. For instance, I could never say to you right now that the reason there's a pizza box in my trunk is because I was using it to transport books or clothing to a Goodwill. Stamps, maybe, or perhaps some sort of ceramic pizza sculpture. I think I've seen those at modern art museums. It would be ridiculous to claim that it was too big to fit in my recycling container and so I had to take it to the dump, because I live in an apartment building. And I suppose if I told you that I picked up a pizza and brought it over to a friend's house, and then he gave me back the box like one would return Tupperware, you wouldn't accept that as a situation occurring in reality. What would it be doing there? Maybe I had a pizza picnic on the beach with a girl even though I'm single, maybe I saw it on the road and picked it up so it wouldn't cause an accident, or maybe when I bought this car it came with a free pizza that I shared with the car salesman on the lot? Of course, none of that makes any sense. It certainly couldn't be that on Wednesday night I drove to that pizza place I like that's too far from my place for delivery, knew it would be cold by the time I got back home, and then ate a few slices while driving before pulling over to the shoulder and finishing the whole thing. That certainly is not what happened two years ago on a Wednesday when I supposedly did that. No one would eat a 16 inch pizza alone in their car on the side of a turnpike while playing "A Whiter Shade of Pale" and wondering where it all went wrong. That would be a desperate cry for help, a savage act of gluttony, a total bastardization of American drive-in culture. Why is there a pizza box in my trunk? Because I'm fat, that's why. Fuck off. Just get in the car.

The Parents' Music Resource Center Returns with an Urgent Message: Beware of Billy Corgan This Halloween and Protect Your Pumpkins!

Tue, 10 Oct 2023 20:22:36 +0000

Boo! Hello, America. It's us, the Parents' Music Resource Center. We're back with an urgent Halloween PSA. As we outfit our homes and yards with spooky - yet tasteful! - decorations, we encourage everyone to keep an eye out for any funny business. In the year of our Lord 2023, it's not only the risk of razor blades in apples that still demands our vigilance. It's also a musician named Billy Corgan who undoubtedly has violent intentions for any and all pumpkins he comes across. "Why has it taken you so long to speak out about this?" you may wonder. Well, after we nobly fought the subversive John Denver, we rested on our laurels thinking that having warning labels about song lyrics was enough. We were mistaken. With children today listening to more music on the worldwide web than what they can find in a record store, we've decided to up our game by declaring that band names are also problematic. And right now, Mr. Corgan's group is at the top of the list. Its name, we are sad to say, is The Smashing Pumpkins. God help us. The threat Mr. Corgan poses is real. It is pure luck that he has not once acted on his destructive desires in the last 35 years. The same is true of the others in the band, which we shall refer to only as TSP, out of our sense of decorum. (We at the PMRC are opposed to any sort of "smashing.") While a relief, the absence thus far of Corgan-on-pumpkin terror is no excuse to let our guard down. Just look at how, since last Halloween, TSP has released three installments of a concept album called Atum - pronounced "autumn." If that's not a giant, specific hint as to what Mr. Corgan has planned, we don't know what is. So, before the scheming frontman emerges from the bowels of Chicago (of course) to scour untainted small towns for our beloved autumn vegetable, we propose three precautionary measures, none of which detract from an enjoyable - and also traditional! - Halloween experience: Ask trick-or-treaters to unmask themselves to confirm that they are not Mr. Corgan Place jack-o-lanterns in protective plexiglass cubes within an arm's reach of your front door No screaming, in case Mr. Corgan is attracted to loud noises Some will surely doubt the need for these safeguards. We're not naive. To them, we simply ask: would you feel comfortable inviting Mr. Corgan into your pumpkin patch, if you had one? Could you trust him to keep his hands to himself while your school-aged daughters carved jack-o-lanterns at the kitchen table? The answer should be a firm "no." Not even the decorative gourds on your wraparound porch are safe, frankly. It's not worth the risk. Americans have already been through enough in the decades since our disbandment. We're told that several families with a certain last name are still reeling from the knowledge that there's another band out there called The Dead Kennedys. At our urging, they've bought guns, installed home alarm systems, and only eat pre-packaged, unopened foods to help thwart an attack on their lives. Meanwhile, the Kennedys who haven't are as good as dead. The only question is: will they live to see a rockstar defiling their pumpkins, cackling devilishly in their faces as he does so? As a formality, we reached out to Mr. Corgan to ask what his intentions are on October 31. His response: "Take another look at 'The Smashing Pumpkins.'" We did, and that has only confirmed that we've found what we were looking for. So it's settled, then: beware of Mr. Corgan and protect your pumpkins. But also, have a good time - without going overboard! - knowing that on Halloween, everyone is entitled to one good scare. Your friends at the PMRC know the feeling well. Sincerely, and with gratitude for our congressional hearing tomorrow, The Parents' Music Resource Center

24/7 Diners On Every Celestial Body

Fri, 06 Oct 2023 00:34:14 +0000

EARTH: OPEN 24/7, 365 DAYS A YEAR! MARS: OPEN 24.6/7.175, 373.1 DAYS A YEAR! JUPITER: OPEN 9.93/2.89, 150.28 DAYS A YEAR! SATURN: OPEN 10.57/3.08, 160.31 DAYS A YEAR! NEPTUNE: OPEN 16.1/4.87, 253.28 DAYS A YEAR! URANUS: OPEN 17.23/5.03, 261.32 DAYS A YEAR! PLUTO: OPEN 153/44.8, 2329.6 DAYS A YEAR! MERCURY: OPEN 1,416/413, 21,476 DAYS A YEAR! VENUS: OPEN 5,832/1,701, 88,452 DAYS A YEAR! SUN: (CLOSED FOR RENOVATIONS)

New Event Venues for Climate Change

Fri, 06 Oct 2023 00:03:55 +0000

Outdoor Film in the Cavern Bowling in the Cavern Concert. in the Cavern Art Installation. in the Cavern Beer Garden. in the Cavern Everything. in the Cavern Shit. We live inside a Cavern. Don't know if I can deal with living in a cavern the rest of my life. I mean, it wouldn't be so bad - if it weren't for the neurotoxic slugs and blinding bacteria. We probably should've scouted out this cavern better. Now all the other caverns are taken. Going outside means certain death. How much beer do we even have left? Kite-flying in the Cavern Origami in the Cavern Cave Art in the Cavern Hari-kari in the Cavern

An Open Letter to the Personal Trainer Who Entered the Gym Washroom and Yelled, "Fuck, It Smells Like Shit in Here!"

Tue, 03 Oct 2023 19:31:08 +0000

Dear Personal Trainer, Look, I know the washroom stunk when you came to use the urinal, but what did you expect? The urinals are directly in front of 5 bathroom stalls, which were all in use. That's 5 guys dropping a deuce in an enclosed space. Do the math: 5 times deuce equals double-digit dumping. You don't have to be a genius to know that's not going to smell like potpourri. Have you ever walked into a men's room, when 5 guys are all playing KerPlunk, and thought, "Man, it smells amazing in here!"? No, I didn't think so. It would be some kind of bathroom miracle if you walked into that situation and it didn't smell. As one of the people using a stall at that time, I can say that things were bad enough without your angry tirade. Do you think I like dropping anchor in the gym washroom, along with four other men on high-protein diets? I'd much rather be in the privacy and comfort of my own home, but I haven't mastered the art of keeping my waste pent up inside of me while exercising. Using the gym toilet is an unfortunate necessity. As a personal trainer, you must know that you don't want to be strenuously working out if you have one in the chamber. The big dude waddling around the gym? That's not because he's sore from leg day. No, he neglected to use the washroom and then soiled himself going for a new one-rep max. You don't have to be an OBGYN to know that aggressive pushing and straining will inevitably lead to excrement. There I was trying to quickly and quietly take care of business, all the while taking small, shallow breaths in a futile attempt to limit my exposure to the collective stink, and then you came lumbering in like the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk and yelled, "Fuck, it smells like shit in here!" I must congratulate you on your astute, canine-like powers of olfactory observation. With an ability to piece together such profound conclusions, surely you must be related to Sherlock Holmes. When you walk into a movie theater, do you loudly declare, "Fuck, it smells like popcorn in here!"? With your uncanny scent capabilities I can only hope you moonlight as a baggage drug detector at the airport. You may want to schedule an appointment with your doctor as hyperosmia is associated with a number of medical conditions. Look, we agree that the washroom smelled bad, but I don't know why you had to get so angry and shit shame me and the occupants of the other stalls. If it weren't for the cheap plywood partition between each stall, we'd be able to reach out and touch the guy next to us. With less than 3 feet between each toilet, it's essentially a chain gang of shitters. You need to re-evaluate your expectations for scents you encounter in a packed washroom. If the odor in the men's room is so unbearable that it causes you to curse, you should talk to your employer about providing some scented candles or aerosol spray. I'm already degrading myself by defecating in your gym's far from ideal bathroom. I'm not in there relaxing with my favorite book, I'm simply taking care of one of the body's most basic needs. So, please, spare me and the washroom's other users your unremarkable remarks. We already know the gym bathroom smells like shit. Sincerely, Jason Garramone

Want to Write and Get Published in 5 Easy Steps? Just Remember this Handy Rotting Deer Metaphor

Tue, 03 Oct 2023 19:14:50 +0000

Step one: Pencils down. Do not just dive in, and actually do the job at hand. No real writer actually begins writing when they need to write. You need to give your idea space, let it breathe. You need to circle it, like a concussed deer who has staggered into the woods after a near-death collision with your Ford F-150. Zig zag around it; don't let it get your scent - or maybe, by zig zagging, letting it get your scent is exactly what you're doing. It gets your scent, but that's all it gets. Leave it confused but wanting more. Just like you - confused on how to start the piece, unsure if you're a real writer or a pathetic fraud. Why didn't you go to nursing school like your dad suggested? Did you hit your head on the steering wheel when you slammed on the brakes? What's that throbbing behind your eyes? Step two: Get out of your comfort zone. Don't just write what everyone else writes, but at the same time, do write what you know. Does that make sense? Let's go back to the deer - It follows its instincts to crash through the brush, looking for a small cave to collapse in, a final moment of peace while its life blood flows out, encrusting its neck fur. Try to do that. Step three: Pull your truck over and stalk the wounded animal into the woods. (This is the outlining process.) When you find the dying deer in the cave, it's a lot more gruesome and bloody than you expected. You really smacked the hell out of that sucker. You'll probably pay out the ass to repair the grill of your truck. But it is kind of sad, and gross, the way the deer is laying there (much like your meandering list of ideas; I'm sorry, but no professional writer would call that an outline.) Sit down and contemplate the meaning of existence. We're all just worthless hunks of meat, aren't we? Even if you'd gone to nursing school you'd have probably flunked out by now. This part isn't symbolic - it's normal for every writer to hate themselves and their work at some point during the process, if not for the entire process. Here's the truth: you have no real talent, you're not funny or clever and now the deer carcass has begun to stink. You are lost in the woods and the sun is going down. Step four: Now is the time to finally begin writing! You've been pushed to the brink, and that's where creativity HAPPENS. Dig into your ideas, like the driver of the truck digs into the rancid flesh of the deer. It's the thrill of discovery, the panic of survival, the disorientation of dehydration (or in the professional writer's case - over-hydration from too much coffee.) Become the piece you are writing, just as the now-hallucinating driver becomes the dead deer. Immerse yourself in the world you're creating. Smear your face with words, like the driver smears their face with blood. Adorn your mind with character devices, like the driver adorns their head with the deer's antlers. Step five: Stagger back onto the highway to flag down a passing car (in the case of the professional writer, this symbolizes requesting notes, and then revision.) When the on-coming cars don't slow down - remember, you look like an actual nightmare with all the blood and antlers - step further into the road. Your vision is blurry, but has never been more clear: you are finally at one with your writing, which means you're ready to put it out into the world (the penultimate step in your courageous journey, just before the victory of publication.) Has a Dodge Caravan just hit you, then driven off to leave you to die, like you did to the deer? Or have you been hit by the Dodge Caravan of fame and glory and landed on the New York Times best-seller list? Maybe it's both. Either way, your spleen has exploded, and you're choking on blood, probably from all the coffee, or again, maybe the Dodge. NOW you are a writer.

Matterhornier and 8 Other Disney World Upgraded Attractions

Fri, 29 Sep 2023 20:49:20 +0000

Matterhornier It's a Medium Size World After All The Magic Carpets and Drapes of Aladdin Swiss Family Tree Mansion Dumbo The Flying First Class Elephant Even Bigger Thunder Mountain Pirates of the Caribbean Cruise Line Country Club Bear Jamboree Muppet Vision 3.5 D The Twilight Zone Luxury Tower of Terror

Neil deGrasse Tyson Sounds Off On Other Movies

Fri, 29 Sep 2023 20:23:15 +0000

As you probably have already read on his daily blog, deGrasse Is Always Greener, Neil deGrasse Tyson had a field day explaining in great detail why the recent movie Moonfall is the most "scientifically inaccurate" movie ever filmed. Fascinating to be sure, but what does he think about other recent films? No Time To Die "On the contrary, I'm afraid. This 007 James Bond fellow would have more than likely died years ago, if not from cirrhosis of the liver, than from one of the several dozen STDs that he has surely contracted over the decades." Fast X "This film should be titled Fast X Lax, as the stupidity and unrealistic scenarios were so beyond absurd that I became upset to the point of having several bouts of intense diarrhea. If I ever discover a black hole that is particularly unstable and irritating to behold, I am doing to name it Vin Diesel." Scream 6 "The insipid characters in this film would have died due to natural selection years before a disgruntled psychopath had the chance to stalk and chop them up. Now that's a movie that I'd love to see!" The Little Mermaid (2023) "The filmmakers would have you believe that the world's last mermaid didn't die from injuries sustained during the early 1800's battle to contest Earth C-38's title of the Premiere Earth Timeline. You can see how foolhardy these Hollywood types are, right? It's almost laughable!" Cocaine Bear While the basic storyline is admittedly a bit far-fetched, I must confess that I happen to own a couple of owls who are hooked on oxycontin, so who's to say? I choose to refrain from casting aspersions." Toy Story 4 "Toys simply cannot come to life willy nilly like they seemingly do in this movie. Are they possibly AI creations, or aliens perhaps? The film is stingy with necessary details. And why does that one sound sort of like Tom Hanks? Preposterous!!" Human Centipede "Now this. this was rather interesting. I took descriptive notes while watching the movie, it seems like it could be the foundation for a fun autumn craft project." All Asian Anal Action 17 "Well, there is something to be said for truth in advertising, I suppose."

Your Internal Organs: Ranked!

Wed, 27 Sep 2023 20:37:51 +0000

#10. Brain Like most CEOs, this controller of the entire operation also tends to be the biggest dick, which is why it comes in last on our list. Although complex and impressive, the brain can be extremely prone to malfunction and inefficiency, also like most CEOs. The brain has a sick sense of humor, and enjoys practical jokes like making you unable to remember your significant other's date of birth, yet extremely skilled at keeping you awake at night by pondering the gruesome way you might die. When functioning properly, the brain resembles a helmet-shaped spaghetti dinner. When on drugs, the brain resembles an egg in a frying pan. #9. Appendix Most appendixes just mind their own business, enjoying the obscurity and downtime that comes with being an obsolete relic of evolution. Every once in awhile, though, an appendix comes along desperate to cling to relevancy. Relevancy to the appendix means excruciating pain, a surprise hospital visit, and a ten thousand dollar medical bill. Only those with the best health insurance survive, just as our human ancestors intended it. #8. Small Intestine The pretty, pink garden hose of the body, the small intestine is supposed to absorb nutrients to be used, but does a pretty half- assed job. Wasteful and forgetful, the small intestine just pawns off what it doesn't use on the large intestine. Known for their mercurial temperament, some small intestines can be notorious for their sensitivity to gluten, or dairy products, which can cause a lot of problems for people who like to eat things that taste good. #7. Pancreas Do not be deceived by the simple, corn-shaped appearance of the pancreas.This organ is anything but basic. The refined pancreas not only boasts the ability to do its own juicing, but it also calls all the shots when it comes to insulin, both literally and figuratively. Although impressive, the pancreas gets knocked down a few spots, because of its ostensible hatred for diabetics, and for killing Alex Trebek. #6. Kidneys Filtration at its finest, this magical little body part removes all the filth from your ingested liquids, and turns it into more filth. A true classic, their shape has inspired many designs, from vintage swimming pools, to beans, to hospital vomit pans. The kidneys can be a vengeful little pair, and possess a unique power that allows them to spontaneously grow actual stones when angered. Don't piss off the kidneys. #5. Lungs A huggable pair of spongy, pinkish-gray organs in your chest, the lungs are your own personal air filtration system. The lungs enjoy clean mountain air, long meditation sessions, and warm hugs from the ribs. The lungs do NOT enjoy patchouli scented incense, long runs on the beach, or cigarette smoke, despite your college boyfriend's best efforts to convince you otherwise. The lungs lose a few points, landing at number five on our list because they are basically the one thing standing in the way of you living out your childhood dream of becoming a real mermaid. #4. Liver You can thank the liver for making it possible to enjoy all the good things in life, such as alcohol, fast food, and polluted air. The liver is also an exceptional lie detector. You can lie to your doctor all you want about your "occasional," alcohol consumption, but the liver distinctly remembers that you blacked out exactly three times last month, and it always will. When malfunctioning, the liver causes you to turn yellow from the inside out. In newborn babies this is completely curable, but in adults it is often indicative of a very promising future career in Tim Burton films. #3. Gallbladder It's a dirty job, but the gallbladder's gotta do it. This pear-shaped prince of purging uses the liver's bile to help clean the grease and oil from all of the disgusting things you eat. Like the kidneys, the gallbladder also likes to use stones to communicate their anger, and occasionally can become so temperamental that it needs to be removed, like the appendix. But unlike the wor...

Biographies of Side Characters in Every Rom-Com

Tue, 26 Sep 2023 22:30:40 +0000

Female Lead's Sidekick She's asexual (but the word ace will never be used). She might have a job, but who really knows? She has no hopes or dreams other than making Female Lead laugh as she navigates a tumultuous will they/won't they with Male Lead. You can expect Female Lead's Sidekick to assert herself once when Female Lead lashes out at her or takes her for granted for the 700th time. But then, Female Lead will bring over Phish Food ice cream (it's their thing) with two spoons and say, "Sidekick, you know you're my rock. Can we be forever again? You know I'd literally die for you." Then they will hug and settle down on the couch with their Phish Food while Female Lead talks about herself and catches Female Lead's Sidekick up on how she knows, just knows, that it's definitely over with Male Lead for good this time. And Female Lead's Sidekick will listen and nod, and she will never once say, "I'm trying to watch Gilmore Girls." Male Lead's Sidekick He's single and probably a fuckboy, but he knows true love when he sees it. He out-loud wonders, "Man, why are you still dating High-Powered Career Woman when Female Lead drinks beer and burps like a man? And eats burgers with all the fixings? And often eats entire cartons of Phish Food ice cream in one sitting? All while wearing crop tops and being a size two? She's the ultimate cool girl." It almost makes him believe in love, and Male Lead's Sidekick could maybe find it with Female Lead's Sidekick, except this is not his story, and Female Lead's Sidekick is asexual. He definitely has no job and mooches off of Male Lead lead but gives powerful relationship advice. He's played by Jason Alexander if this is a movie before 2005 or Pete Davidson if this is a movie after 2016. He begins sentences with "Man, relationships are like." Generic White Man with an Expensive Watch This is Female Lead's boyfriend or fiance at the beginning of the movie. He's definitely cheating on Female Lead and maybe embezzling money from his nondescript job, but the cheating thing is way worse. He kicks puppies (see Wise Animal). He eats HEALTHY. He's generically handsome in a created-by-Midjourney kinda way. His teeth are really white. Generic White Man with an Expensive Watch has a rich family that hates Female Lead for no discernable reason and casually drops hints that he should get back together with that nice Generic White Woman they met in the Hamptons seven years ago. They may invite Generic White Woman to go skiing in Aspen with them, and Generic White Man with an Expensive Watch will go and lie to Female Lead about it. "But Generic White Woman means nothing to me! Nothing at all!" However, Female Lead knows that she'll never be good enough for his family, and this meandering side plot will come to a close. High-Powered Career Woman This is Male Lead's aforementioned girlfriend or fiancee. Her only personality trait is having a high-profile job. This is bad. She should be supporting Male Lead full-time while also having enough money to live a comfortable lifestyle in New York City or LA. She is a size 2, just like Female Lead, but it's bad in this case because she smokes and hates ice cream. High-Powered Career Woman will frequently walk out of a room when Male Lead is mid-sentence and say, "Sorry, Babe. My high-profile job is calling. Sushi later?" Male Lead hates sushi. Wise Child In more progressive rom-coms, this will be the Male Lead's son. Otherwise, it will be some random neighbor kid who shouldn't be hanging out with adult strangers so much and has absentee parents. Wise Child hates High-Powered Career Woman and is constantly telling Male Lead, "Male Lead, maybe you should find someone who likes Phish Food ice cream." When Wise Child meets Female Lead, he will whisper to Male Lead, "She's holding a carton of Phish Food." Then Wise Child will vanish, and we will be left wondering if he was a ghost all along. Wise Animal Wise Animal belongs to Female Lead (because she was on her way to beco...

Questions I Have For The House Judiciary Committee Chairman

Tue, 26 Sep 2023 21:05:48 +0000

Thank you, Mr. Chairman, if I may ask respectfully, do you believe in life after love? Mr. Chairman, in your opinion, do honorary Oscars count? Would you still love your wife if she was a worm, Mr. Chairman? Mr. Chairman, do you believe Paul Simon regrets letting Art Garfunkel sing "Bridge Over Troubled Water"? Mr. Chairman, to the best of your ability, can you name every member of Vinny Chase's entourage? Do you really believe that Val Valentino is the masked magician, Mr. Chairman? You don't think he was set up by Big Magic? Mr. Chairman, do you agree with your colleagues that say Forrest Gump is "mid"? Answer me this, Mr. Chairman, have you ever seen Mary Louise Kelly and Melissa Villaseñor in the same room? Mr. Chairman, do you happen to know the status of smell-o-vision? Mr. Chairman, do you believe that The Hangover III could've been improved if the film ended with the Wolfpack getting drugged for a third time, forgetting the events of the film that we, the audience, had just seen, effectively reversing the structure of the previous two films? Mr. Chairman, am I able to use the phrase "Bob's Your Uncle" even though I'm under 45? Mr. Chairman, would you please disclose your favorite Faygo flavor? Mr. Chairman, to your knowledge, have historians uncovered Mambo No. 1 through 4 yet? Yes or no, Mr. Chairman, should "Lactate" be added to the phrase "Live, Laugh, Love" Mr. Chairman, do shapeshifters also obtain specific memories and personality traits too? In your findings, Mr. Chairman, have you found proof of the existence of any U2 fans? Lastly, Mr. Chairman, is it true you write poetry under the pseudonym Rupi Kaur?

Sex With Me, Sponsored By Brooklinen

Sun, 24 Sep 2023 22:17:40 +0000

Thanks for such a lovely dinner. It was really cool of you to help film my "POV: A First Date In Manhattan" video for TikTok. Sorry your pasta went cold, but Zara will be stoked that my followers will see a Zara blazer on someone having a nice date. I hope I didn't talk too much about brands, though. When you create content for a living, it's easy to get sucked into that spon-con mindset, and once you do, it's hard to get out. Anyways, what do you say we move this into the bedroom? Lie down on my Brooklinen Duvet? Great! Let me just quickly light this candle to set the vibe. It's from BoySmells. Mmm, isn't that nice? It smells inviting…wealthy…musk…BoyScents. I mean, BoySmells. That's B-O-Y-S-M-E-L-L-S DOT COM, forward slash "collections," forward slash "candles" at checkout. You can have your drink on the bed - I'm glad you like it! I started taking these mixology classes a few months ago, and the number one takeaway has been to always use 818 Tequila by Kendall Jenner, no matter the cocktail. It works in any drink: a margarita, a gin martini, an old fashioned on the rocks with aged single-barrel scotch! You can actually use my name on the site to get a free bottle. You have to buy like, seven other bottles to get the free one. But you're definitely going to want to drink eight bottles of this tequila. Now come over here. Wow, you're a good kisser! Your lips are so smooth - you must be using the Dior Addict Lip Glow balm. All the girls with the most kissable, photo-ready lips are wearing it these days. Wait, you got that direct from Dior? You should really be going to Sephora for all your cosmetic needs. As a Sephora Beauty Insider, you can earn reward points whenever you get a new Dior Addict Lip Glow balm. Here's my unique friends and family link to sign up, though we're not really friends and I hope to God we're not family. Ooh this is moving quickly. I got these Brooklinen sheets 20% off, but they're 100% good for rolling in the hay, if you catch my drift. Let's still put down a towel though - even with the super generous discounts that Brooklinen offers its loyal customers, these sheets are still really fucking expensive. But don't worry, the towel's also Brooklinen. And Brooklinen towels can take whatever the hell you throw at them. Now, go ahead and take off my MeUndies. You want me to go down on you? My pleasure, feisty girl. Speaking of "going down," did you know that the price of BitCoin is dropping dramatically as we speak? With Crypto.com, you can easily track the price of various cryptocurrencies across the digital market. And like the orgasm I'm about to give you, it's something you'll definitely like! I promise! Time for sex? AWOOGA. You don't have to ask me twice! Oh yes…right there…right there…right there…just like how ZipRecruiter is right there when you need to hire the right candidate for your company. Wow, that was great! You know what they say about seven minutes in heaven: you can do it in four. Let me just throw this condom away. And speaking of away, Away Luggage is quickly becoming the most trusted suitcase brand from young professionals on the go. Not saying you have to go! You can totally stay the night if you want. Oh, you do want to stay over. Uh, okay - I can make us breakfast in the morning. I actually just got a new meal-kit shipment today from Blue Apron. It's piccata-style tilapia. I know that eating hot fish at 8:00 AM probably sounds a bit unappetizing, but you'll really be drooling over the thirteen free meals you get when you subscribe using the promo code: "Jacobb." There's not supposed to be a second B but it's too late to change it. Here's a pair of cozy, breathable Brooklinen pajamas to sleep in. Can I get your email again so I can refer you for 30% off your first purchase? I'll even earn a free hand towel if you spend at least $95. I have the site pulled up right now if you want to pick something out. You can just pay me back via the Cash App, the best way to send and receive mon...

Baby Babble Translations for New Moms

Thu, 21 Sep 2023 20:19:24 +0000

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da = Just trying it out, letting the mouth and tongue do their things. Dad will hear it and think it's about him - typical. Still, you wonder why I didn't say ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma. wid-toe-bobo ka aaaah? = Are you my mother? I thought the lady who takes care of me for eight hours a day and then leaves when you come home is my mother. She's more fun than you. gat-gat-nah = Pick me up, now put me down. baba nom dombo takaka = Will you look at that? A toddler in the sandbox, a kid on the slide . and twins in the carriage? Now that's what I call a mom. wah-wah-wahhhh! = Granted this is more of an all-purpose cry for help than baby talk. Am I hungry? Tired? Thirsty, scared, hot, cold, sorry for driving you crazy? Yes and no. You should try it sometime and hope that someone does everything possible to meet your needs. dowdy ahahaha = Why do you want your old body back? Your new body looks fine. Of course, I never saw your old body. ka da ka doo ba doo = The "educational" mobile over my crib scares the shit out of me. And . yep, diaper change time. getsha koo-koo agaga = I'm going to crawl into your bed at 2 a.m. for the next three years. gok-gok = Hand me your breast. kitcha badabada = I've had this rash for two days, and you're just now noticing? My other mother - the one who takes care of me five days a week - would have sensed my discomfort immediately. yai-yai pokka da = Where's your good sweater? Hurry, I have to puke. mai-mai-mai tododo no = Sherry in your new mother's group is really attractive. Maybe she'd like to nurse me. jah-cho-cho-cho = Look what I found in the cat litter box. catzakup poodo = Soon enough I won't need you, except to drive me places. No, no, NO! = Translation unnecessary. Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma = Once I start talking I will never, ever shut up.

Care And Maintenance Of Your Possessed Ventriloquist Puppet

Thu, 21 Sep 2023 19:41:55 +0000

Your puppet may be possessed by a vicious demon, or simply by a pleasant dead person who loves hanging out on the couch and binge-watching Blossom. Don't be presumptuous, ask a few questions and find out! When, not if, you catch your puppet humping another of your stuffed toy animals, be sure not to shame him. But at the same time, do not make any attempt to feign acceptance by joining in. You will also need to completely burn the rug that was the site of the incident, however. Burn it to nothing, then burn it some more. Listen, your puppet is an immortal evil trapped within the body of a toy, NOT a Halloween decoration. Please do not seat the little fella on your porch to spook the kids during trick or treat on Halloween night. It's insensitive to your puppet, and he'll probably tell the children a few jokes that will end up having you investigated by the Neighborhood Home Owner's Association, so please try to resist the urge. If appearing on a red carpet accompanied by your puppet, do not attempt to upstage your wooden wingman by hiding him behind you. The devil can certainly understand the lustful desires of craving the limelight, but humiliating a demon, even a lowly demon possessing a child's toy, could shake the foundation of Hades itself and cause the Amateur Podcasting Award to go to someone much less deserving. Listen, I realize that you don't really like tattoos. You think that they're trashy and unappealing. That's okay! But understand, the pentagram on your puppet's chest isn't a tattoo. It's a sigil, a magically powerful inscription that is keeping the demon at bay, and trapped within the body of your puppet. If you remove the "tattoo", the demon will be unleashed, and will more than likely rip your body to shreds within a matter of seconds. Although if you decide to do it on the front porch of your ex-girlfriend's house, that could be funny. You may be surprised to learn that it is okay, and even encouraged, for you to blow pot smoke into the face of your puppet. The pleasant, soothing high will greatly improve his personality and attitude. This will admittedly lead to your demon getting a major case of the munchies, so best to hide your wife's stash of unused feminine hygiene products. Most importantly of all, just have fun with the little guy! But if you wake up in the middle of the night with his tiny hand half-way up your bottom, that's definitely cause for a time out.

Elon Musk's Proposed Fee Schedule for X (formerly Twitter)

Wed, 20 Sep 2023 23:56:19 +0000

Elon Musk, the world's richest rich person, in his attempts to stop the cash hemorrhage that is the site formerly known as Twitter, is once again floating a plan to institute fees for all tweeters, er, I mean, X-ers (???) to pay to use the site. Sure, it's easy to dismiss the ideal flat out without seeing what the fees will look like. So, here's what the fees will look like so you can dismiss them. Per Post- .001 Per Re-post- .002 Per Musk Re-Post- free Semantic Posts- 1.00 (because, you know they can afford it) Anti-Semantic Posts- .00001 Astute observation fee- 1.00 Rambling psychotic take fee- .01 Reposting someone else's post as your own- .00002 Posting meme fee- .25 Stealing memes fee- 5.00 Bot detection fee- 1.00 per day Bots usage fee- .0001 one-time fee Free speech fee- 100.00 Parody fee- ditto Low usage fee- 1.00 per day Account delete fee (the Flee Fee) - 100.00 Block Elon fee- You can't afford it Plus two (2) drink minimum & cover charge. Fees payable with credit or debit cards, PayPal, or blood diamonds.

Stephen King's Past Birthday Wishes

Tue, 19 Sep 2023 20:00:42 +0000

I wish to let go of some story ideas. like the succubus colonoscopy. An Oscar category for movies released 38 years ago. Maximum Overdrive wins. A pair of those pants that look like jeans but feel like sweatpants A single breakfast with Dean Koontz where he doesn't ask me about what I'm working on and then furiously writes in his notebook Updated bivalent Covid booster Waterstarter? The blinking cursor is now a blinking thumbs-up. Tabby finds the casually open catologue page and buys the Maine-shaped cutting board from Uncommon Goods . New Book Off Writing deep dishing about my various hobbies like tuning my Ferrinton acoustic guitar and loving the song Mambo #5. (True story) I wish to get around to learning Word keyboard shortcuts. I wish to make an updated Lawnmower Man movie that's closer to the short story. Adam Driver eats the grass! I wish to ironically use the phrase "Woke Mind Virus" in one of my books. Samsung S90C OLED TV, Samsung HW-Q990C Soundbar, Sony UBP-X700/M Streaming 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray player with HDMI cable. I wish for Stephen King night at Fenway Park. Everyone screams during the seventh-inning stretch. Execs take my pitch seriously for a real-life Running Man TV show. A jet Ski. Wait, no.a possessed jet ski. Success for indie bookstores. I wish I could go back and put a new chapter in The Langoliers about going through TSA and how horrifying it is to remove your belt and have your pants slip off. I wish that A24 would admit that all their horror movies are just "art house King". I also wish that they would ask me to direct a new version of Maximum Overdrive that no one will make fun of. I decline at first. I hated making the first one. They ask Ari Aster. He calls me for my blessing. I don't give it to him but instead, I say, "Eh, maybe I will direct it, and this time I won't be coked up and drinking all day." I direct the version I always had in my head with Bruce Springsteen as the star. (ALL TRUE) A Burger King crown. Finish my light rom-com about a small-town vet finding love with a local innkeeper. Fight the urge to make the innkeeper a sin-eating demon. I wish for the courage to wake up and write another page.

Colonoscopy Prep Playlist for Generation X (Kind of in Order, at Least Based on My Colon's Behavior)

Tue, 19 Sep 2023 19:29:09 +0000

Hunger Strike - Temple of the Dog Sabotage - Beastie Boys Pardon Me - Incubus Deep Inside of You - Third Eye Blind Long way down - Goo Goo Dolls Down in a Hole - Alice In Chains Down in it - Nine Inch Nails Release - Pearl Jam Slide - Goo Goo Dolls Evenflow - Pearl Jam Drain you - Nirvana My Wave - Soundgarden Sick of Myself - Matthew Sweet Misery - Soul Asylum Can't Stop - Red Hot Chili Peppers Big Empty - Stone Temple Pilots Everybody Hurts - REM Porcelain of the Vast Ocean - The Smashing Pumpkins Where the River Flows - Collective Soul Sludge Factory - Alice In Chains Stay Away - Nirvana Why - Meat Puppets Why Pt. 2 - Collective Soul Stop! - Jane's Addiction Exit Music (For a Film) - Radiohead

Trumper Stickers (Bumper Stickers Commonly Found On The Trucks Of Trump Voters)

Fri, 15 Sep 2023 22:05:53 +0000

"No Fat Chicks, Fat Presidents Are Okay" "My Other Car Is A Bomb On Wheels That I Drive Into Large Crowds Of Libtards" "My Child Is An Honor Student At Florida High School, Which Honestly Is Nothing To Brag About" "Jesus Is My Co-Pilot, But Would Like To Stress That He Wasn't Anywhere Near My Car On Jan 6th" "Stop The Steal, Not Counting The Barrels Of Moonshine That I Stole From My Cousin Buford" "Baby With Tattoos On Board" "If The Van Is A'Rockin', Automated Weapons We're A'Glockin'" "If You Can Read This, You're Too Close, And Also Not A Trump Supporter" "How Am I Driving? Call 1-800- FBI Most Wanted" "I'm Surrounded By Idiots! Although Perhaps That Was Obvious."

An Influencer Reviews the Cardiologist

Fri, 15 Sep 2023 01:47:17 +0000

Hey, Queens! If you live in New York City and have an irregular heartbeat, you HAVE to check out Manhattan Cardiology Offices. Their Upper East Side location is to die for, but hopefully not in my case! Keep in mind, this place is as exclusive as Soho House when it was cool, so forget about a walk-in. You'll schedule with the office concierge, and it may take months to get off the waitlist. Don't forget to have your GP vouch for you! They won't let just anyone seek treatment. The cover fee to simply get in the door is around $200, but if you're an exclusive Aetna Choice Plus member, like yours truly, you'll get an insane discount. No matter what time you check-in, you'll wait around 45 minutes. Dr. Tanaka's slots are insanely coveted. I like to take this time to enjoy a guided meditation, use my travel gua sha, or nervously go pee five times and try not to think about my medical condition because who has time for that kind of toxic mindset? Once you're shown to your private room, you'll be offered a light-weight, cotton kimono to don for your experience. Pro tip: only novices take their pants off. FWIW, Princess Polly's linen wide-leg trousers beautifully compliment the kimono and are linked in my bio. Use code HEARTSTOPPER for 10% off! Let's move on to the decor. The anatomical textbook heart prints that cover the walls are beautiful if not a touch literal. The austerely beige room, velcro blood pressure cuff, vintage '98 Dell monitor, camp needle disposal, and vegan leather office chair all come together seamlessly to exude an eclectic yet minimalist vibe. What it lacks in extras it makes up for in the details, including a freshly stocked canister of cotton balls and a bed with fresh crinkly paper. Unfortunately, there was no turndown service. Some clients only see one professional during their appointment, but I was visited by a medical assistant, a nurse practitioner, and Dr. Tanaka herself. You could say I was popular! They all knew my name, date of birth, family history of high cholesterol, and the fact that I had mono in high school. That's the power of having a strong personal brand. Your reputation precedes you. That reminds me, I still have 5 slots available in my "How to Build A Strong Personal Brand" master class. DM me! No promises, but if the medical team finds you elite enough, you may even be invited BACK to their VIP rooms for a private "follow-up." I was not only asked back, but they practically begged me to return and try out some of their state of the art equipment. In fact, their exact phrasing was, "this is an emergency." Twist my arm! Next time, I'll be doing some kind of workout class called a "Stress Test" on a treadmill while being hooked up to all sorts of sexy machinery. I've linked the Alo activewear set I'll be wearing in my Instagram Stories. They also really liked my aura and want me to get an MRI so they can photograph it. Cute. Given how expensive and time-consuming this luxury service was, I will say I was a touch disappointed that there were no swag bags following the event. However, I was lent a very retro-looking heart monitor to style for a few days! It's giving Tamagotchi-chic. All in all, I highly recommend visiting Dr. Tanaka. She's a little pricey, but self-care is always hot. If you go, make sure you mention CPT code 99212! No discount, but this way your insurance will correctly bill you. <3

'Wake Them Up at 2 AM,' and Other Hacks to Get Your Kids Ready for School

Fri, 15 Sep 2023 01:33:11 +0000

Pack food the night before. Put shoes on in the car. For an on-the-go breakfast, freeze milk, a spoon, and cereal into something you'll call "morning popsies" until they move out. Dress kids the night before. Tie shoelaces the night before. Have kids brush their teeth twice the night before to avoid a morning brushing. Redefine "ready." Set the Roomba under your kids' bed as a fun and quirky little alarm. Go out to the car and lay on the horn as a fun and quirky little alarm. Throw bagel(s) on kid(s) and invite seagull(s) into the room as a fun and quirky little alarm. Redefine "morning." Bribe them with popsicles rather than morning popsies. Bribe them with a dog that you actually purchase at the end of the day. Bribe them with a dog that you never purchase but hear about one day in family counseling. Redefine "your kids." Yelling. Have you tried yelling? Adjust your beliefs about how often children should bathe. Homeschool. Unschool. Night school. Rotate which kids go to school and call in sick for the other(s). Just like, be a warm, loving parent. Pretend it's 2021 and enter the waiting room of a virtual class. Speed up tomorrow's morning routine by speeding up tonight's nighttime routine by starting a bedtime story now. Wake them up at 2am so that you can make it out the door just in time.

Hollywood Memo: I.P. Daily

Wed, 13 Sep 2023 02:37:19 +0000

Hollywood is in turmoil. Studios vs. tech firms. Streaming services vs. cable companies. Strikes. Mergers. Shortages of sparkling water. The thing is, this is all leading to the ultimate goal, which is to finally combine all the media companies into one big company and just churn out content without the fear of competition or quality. Once one company owns everything, all it has to do is start running all the old intellectual properties, called IP, that it now owns through some AI-powered word processor and produce "new" scripts. No more original ideas, concepts or takes, just sequels, cross-overs, prequels and the occasional George Clooney movie. We got hold of a Hollywood memo which was put together to pitch proposed features or series that the studios are hot to trot on: Indiana Jones and the Maltese Falcon Indy faces off against some wily collectors over a long-lost artifact that belongs in a museum! Snow White and the Magnificent Seven When an evil queen goes after the sweet princess, she hires a band of outlaws to go after the queen. Harry Potter and the Infinity Stone A young wizard has to protect a magical stone from getting in the hands of an evil wizard. Or alien. Star Jaws An intergalactic space shark threatens the Republic of Planets and a scrappy band of rebels are called in to destroy it. Abbott & Costello Meet the Parents A goofy guy and his buddy have to meet his fiancée's family, where they then have to figure how who's watching who. Superman of La Mancha A superhero has to face off against evil windmills. A Justice League of Their Own When all the superheroes disappear into an alternate universe, the super-heroines form their own group. Singing in the Rain Man Hollywood is thrown into turmoil when sound is invented and only one man can save them. Looking for Mr. Goodburger A pair of fast food employees are on the search to find the company's CEO before the Board of Directors can shut the burger chain down for good. X-Men & Little Women They remake Little Women again, only now with mutants. Journey to the Center of Middle-Earth A group of scientists discover a path to that leads them to a land of dragons, elves and hobbits. James Bond and the Giant Peach A secret agent is called in when giant fruit begins appearing all over Great Britain. Pirates of the Mr. Bean Due to a bureaucratic mix-up, Mr. Bean is put in charge of a band of buccaneers. Sherlock Holmes Alone The consulting detective is left by himself in 221b Baker Street with two vengeful criminals. Friday the 13th, 2001 Space robot goes mad and starts killing all the space ship's crew. When Dirty Harry Met Sally A cop learns if he can be friends with a criminal. Star Shrek A troll finds himself transported to space where he discovers he's just another weird being. The Bourne Identity Thief A con artist steals the identity of a superspy. Hijinks ensue. Fast & Curious George A monkey and his pals race around the country to stop the evil Man in the Yellow Hat. The NeverEnding Toy Story Well, basically, they'll just keep making new Toy Story movies, which was going to happen anyway. Pink Panther: Wakanda Forever A clumsy police detective has to protect the sacred jewel of Wakanda from, I dunno, space aliens.

Ten Sure-Bet Reality Shows Canceled After Initial Approval

Tue, 12 Sep 2023 17:12:26 +0000

Donner Party Pitch: Survivor meets Top Chef, when this week's contestants cook last week's losers. Reason for cancellation: After entire first season was filmed, show was vetoed by corporate lawyers for on-screen cannibalism. College Admissions Cage Match Pitch: Fifty top-achieving high school seniors, one ticket to Harvard. Reason for cancellation: "Donation to endowment" for guaranteed spot for winner exceeded show's production budget. Celebrity Bake-over Pitch: Celebrities try their skills at improving recipes for cakes, pies, and other confections. Reason for cancellation: Sponsors pulled out when liberal groups threatened to boycott if the show used gas-powered ovens and stoves, but conservative groups threatened to boycott if the show used electric ones. Big Mother Pitch: Cameras installed in the basements of 15 live-at-home male Gen Zers; the mother of the one who moves out first wins $100,000. Reason for cancellation: After six months of filming, the only activities captured on film were eating DoorDash-ed Taco Bell, video gaming, and masturbating to screenshots of Elon Musk. Kings of the Quarter-Mile Pitch: Ten crack auto racing teams, each getting an identical 1977 Pontiac Trans Am, vie for drag-race supremacy. Reason for cancellation: Filming at track in Kissimmee, Florida halted when state officials saw in permit applications the terms "Trans," "drag," and "race supremacy." Crypto Summer Pitch: Nine Silicon Valley whiz-kids compete to build the next big cryptocurrency exchange. Reason for cancellation: All footage seized as potential evidence by the Security Exchange Commission. Sex and the Ditty Pitch: A dozen hot bachelor troubadours compete to write the perfect love song, for a lusty night with an anonymous celebrity. Reason for cancellation: After one bachelor accused another of plagiarism, an investigation found that every contestant had written their songs using A.I. Locker Room Confidential Pitch: Follows the trials and tribulations of a Major League Baseball team across an entire season. Reason for cancellation: Team under consideration was the New York Mets. House of Representatives Republican Freedom Caucus Pitch: No-holds-barred political brawling in America's halls of power. Reason for cancellation: Test audiences found Marjory Taylor Greene not believable as a real person. Faculty Food Fight Pitch: For college faculty, the more petty the stakes, the more bitter the fight. Reason for cancellation: Producers could not find a college department that could come to agreement on what portions of episodes would be included in departmental meeting minutes; also, who cares?

CARTOON: 3-D Copier

Tue, 12 Sep 2023 11:34:12 +0000

The Great Rock Debate: The Beatles or The Dino Dudes?

Fri, 08 Sep 2023 16:44:23 +0000

One from the mean streets of Liverpool, England, the other from the sprawling cornfields of DeKalb, Illinois; two brands forever intertwined thanks to their musicianship and iconic catalog. Today, we settle the great rock debate of the Beatles versus the Dino Dudes! Who you got? The Catalog In the U.S., the Beatles released 12 chart-topping studio albums, with instantly-recognizable melodies, from "I want to Hold Your Hand," to "Let it Be." Those in the Beatles' camp, when pulled into this inevitable debate, will start pointing to all the gold and platinum anointing this band's catalog. But it's hard to ignore the Dino Dudes' self-published LP Excuse Me. Have You Met The Dino Dudes? which was only available for purchase at DeKalb's own Greek Railroad Diner, where the Dino Dudes all worked as busboys. It's hard to say if this sole release sold more copies than the Beatles' full discography because it wasn't so much as "sold" as it was "thrown in" as part of the Deluxe Gyro Meal #4. However, it's worth noting that this was the Greek Railroad Diner's most popular menu item most days, excluding the Friday Fish Fry. This one is too close to call, so we're going with INCONCLUSIVE. Musicianship When it comes to the Beatles, it's hard to decide who was the most genius songwriter of the group. Was it Paul, with his iconic pop classics like "Hey Jude," and "Let it Be" or John with his revolutionary "All You Need is Love," and "Come Together"? Regardless, the partnership was iconic, much like the partnership between Greek Railroad Diner owner Giorgio and the many busboys who served as rotating members of The Dino Dudes. Giorgio, an accomplished accordion player in his own right, penned all of Excuse Me. Have You Met the Dino Dudes in hopes of reviving his modest midwestern diner as a premier music venue. Since he taught all of his busboys basic guitar chords (and how to speak with a British accent), fans recorded that the musicianship varied wildly from night to night, so we're giving this one an INCONCLUSIVE. Live Performances While the Beatles touring time in the US was somewhat limited due to what can only be described as Beatlemania, those lucky enough to see the Fab 4 play in person will tell you that John, Paul, George, and Ringo more than effectively commanded the stage. Whether or not the same can be said for The Dino Dudes is up for some debate. Whereas the Beatles' 1964 North American Tour is well documented by way of online clips and documentaries, footage of the Dino Dudes was lost to poor camera placement. At their peak, the Dino Dudes played the locally-known corn themed festival "Cornfest" in DeKalb, IL, but sadly, since Giorgio propped his camera up above a chafing dish of steamed corn, this only known recording is foggy and generally unwatchable. But there are those who can still recall seeing the three busboys play their hit song "Fossil of Love," on that balmy August night, some 40 years ago. And if you ask them, Thom, Tom, and Smitty (The Dino Dudes performing that particular night) were in control of every ear at Cornfest. However, without actual footage, no one can say for certain that the Dino Dudes weren't better live performers than the Beatles and thus, this one is INCONCLUSIVE. Legacy The Beatles are one of the most popular and acclaimed bands of all time. Their popularity spans generations. When walking down the street, you're just as likely to hear a child humming "A Hard Day's Night" as you are to hear an octogenarian whistling "Yellow Submarine." The Beatles are, for lack of a better word, ubiquitous. But much of the same could be said for the Dino Dudes. Maybe not the ubiquitous part or the thing about their popularity spanning generations, or even the statement about them being acclaimed. But even so, there is a small plaque that hangs in that DeKalb Greek Railroad Diner to this day and it says "The #1 Music Band Award Goes To The Dino Dudes." It was made by Giorgio as a means of encouraging his busboy...

Seinfeld Reunion: The Dick Pic

Fri, 08 Sep 2023 16:12:59 +0000

In 1998, four friends received a prison sentence of one year after unknowingly violating the Good Samaritan law of Latham, Massachusetts. Upon completing their sentences, the group agreed to cease communicating, as they determined their friendship to be forever cursed. The year is now 2023. Our story takes place at a funeral home in Queens, NY. George Costanza is giddy with excitement. His mother and father are dead; a burlap sack houses their charred remains. George fails to showcase believable remorse. He cannot stop rubbing his hands together while hopping up and down on the balls of his feet. His extended family takes notice of his odd behavior. Enter Jerry Seinfeld, George's childhood best friend. George has not spoken with Jerry since the duo completed their prison sentences. Nonetheless, the pair greets one another as if no time has passed. "Hell of an urn you got there, George," Jerry quips. "Can you believe it, Jerry?" George whispers enthusiastically. "A freak car accident! Both parents launched through the windshield, dead on impact!" "You seem to be taking it well." "I don't know what I did to deserve this fortune! As of today, my life can finally start." "Blaming your parents for the cause of your pitiful existence. That takes introspective character growth." "Sarcasm," George chuckles. "Classic Jerry." "So, what life-altering magic awaits George Costanza now that his troubles are over?" "For starters, I'm seeing a powerhouse of a woman." "Well, stop the presses! Where'd you crazy kids meet? Don't tell me she's involved in the car accident that killed your parents." George clears his throat nervously. "No. We met on Tinder." Jerry rolls his eyes, much to George's annoyance. "Come on, Jerry! It's 2023! The future of meaningless sex belongs to Tinder!" "Have you met this woman in person?" "No! But I'll have you know we're planning to connect tonight! And not just to mingle, either." "You don't mean-" "Oh, but I do!" "Pity funeral sex?" "Nay, my friend: congratulatory funeral sex." Jerry folds his arms and smirks. "George Costanza, you are one sick puppy." George's phone vibrates. While examining a text message, the joy on his face morphs into panic. "Oh, my God. She wants to see it." "Excuse me?" "A DICK PIC, JERRY! SHE WANTS A DICK PIC!" The funeral home falls silent as George cowers in embarrassment. "She won't meet tonight unless I send her a photo of my genitals," he whispers. "What kind of sick world are we living in?" "It's 2023, George. The future of meaningless sex belongs to Tinder." "Jerry, I need help! I don't know the first thing about dick pic etiquette!" "Don't look at me. I've never sent one." George wipes sweat from his brow. "How hard could it be?" Jerry reasons. "Pop open the trousers, snap a photo, and press send." "No. It can't be that simple." "What more is required?" "What about fanfare?" "Fanfare? This coming from the man who stuffed their parent's remains in a burlap sack?" "That is completely different, and you know it!" As the pair continues to bicker, Cosmo Kramer enters the funeral home. Kramer wears a bright orange jumpsuit under a vintage trench coat. He approaches his two friends, whom he hasn't seen since their collected sentencing in 1998. "Afternoon, amigos." Kramer examines the burlap sack containing the remains of George's parents. "Who brought potatoes?" "Those aren't potatoes," George angrily clarifies. "The remains," Jerry interjects. Kramer's eyes widen as he jerks his body backward. "Yowza. You went all out on this one, George." George walks away in a fit of frustration. "Poor guy," Kramer sighs. "The grief he must be going through." "You don't know the half of it," Jerry quips. "Say, is it true what I've heard? You're willingly living in prison?" "You'd best believe it, buddy! Once we finished serving our time, I marched straight to the warden's office and made my case for a permanent residency." "But why?" "Jerry, have you forgotten the marvels of prison? Free room and b...

Podcasts You Should Be Listening To RIGHT NOW!! No, I'm serious, RIGHT NOW!! Go, Now!! Why Are You Still Reading This???

Fri, 08 Sep 2023 01:48:09 +0000

Cheeks Ahoy! Popular podcast aimed at listeners who have buttocks covered with large moles, as well as an obsession with the idea that said buttocks bear a strong resemblance to Chips Ahoy cookies. Hosted by Ryan Seacrest and your mom. DilDOH'!! Great gathering spot for the quickly growing number of people who regularly use dildos shaped and painted to look like characters from the popular animated comedy program The Simpsons. Hosted by that guy who always stared at you creepily in study hall. Cap'n Krunk Gets Ready To Funk Beloved cereal mascots get together in order to discuss their favorite aspects of hip hop culture and staying crispy in milk. Musical interludes provided by Snap, Crackle and Pop n' Lock. Watching And Using A Walker Housebound seniors discuss the comforting irony of both binge watching Walker, Texas Ranger, while at the same time using a walker to maneuver within their homes. What're You Looking At, Dickhole? Spirited podcast hosted by those obnoxious drunk guys at the bar who are trying to embarrass you in front of your girlfriend. PornHubble A panel of astronomy geeks hack into the Hubble telescope in order to gain access to the spiciest pornography this perverted globe to offer, and discusses their findings with you, who will soon come to regret your curiosity. Brought to you by the production company that recently released the popular mystery adult series, Only Squirters In The Building. Rizzoli & Isles & Virgil Rizzoli & Isles supefan Virgil has uploaded the audio version of his favorite episodes of R&I onto his podcasting software, adding his own character and dialogue to the stories. While he adds to each episode quite often, it's nothing intrusive. Usually just something along the lines of "Hey, good idea Isles!", or "Wowee, that's using your noodle Rizzoli!".

Audience Reviews From Romeo and Juliet's Opening Night

Fri, 08 Sep 2023 01:10:42 +0000

"I've been to Verona and it looks nothing like that." "The words they were using were English, but the order in which they said them was all wrong." "Mercutio kept looking at me." "As someone whose family is also mired in a generations-long feud, it felt nice to be represented." "Who is this Shakespeare everyone is talking about? Did he play Romeo?" "If I would have known this was a girly play I would have never come." "Who were those people, and what was going on with them?" "My family is currently saving up for our own private crypt." "There weren't even any wizards or dragons or anything." "I had a roach in my popped corn." "Why are plays so long nowadays?" "Do you have to become a friar to wear a big brown flowy robe with rope for a belt?" "Took me right back to when I was a horny, wealthy teenager." "Something about iambic pentameter always takes me right out of the story." "What scent of candle did you use for the foot lights? They smelled lovely." "That was so obviously written by Marlowe." "What was it about?" "I have a feeling that balconies are going to become more popular after this."

CARTOON: Retirement?

Wed, 06 Sep 2023 15:46:50 +0000

Items Found in Burning Man's Porta Potties

Tue, 05 Sep 2023 23:17:49 +0000

"With access in and out of Burning Man closed for the time being, a new dire problem has arisen: No one can clean or empty the portable toilet." - SF Gate Aviator goggles rubber cemented onto a fedora Bejeweled 2 x 4 Cash decorated as Monopoly money Orange cone with dandy leather hat and sequined whip DayGlo wicker man Inflatable warlord spade Spiked corset with whistles and pulleys Hammer pants with sewn on aerial dance ribbons Mosaic policeman's cap with jingle bells Tweety Bird stick-on tattoo Steampunk tutu and thong Lion head with leopard harness Crocheted Viking helmet and chaps Nymph warrior neon headdress Rainbow wings with ferret fur trim Poop

Pretty Basic Skinny Dip Tips

Fri, 01 Sep 2023 23:38:31 +0000

Make sure that a life guard is present, even if it's your pervy uncle hiding in the bushes. Sorry, you're not completely naked as long as you're still wearing that colostomy bag. Carefully placed leeches can help cover portions of your body that make you feel insecure. By all means, feel free to skinny dip while wearing an artificial limb; in a worst-case scenario, the limb can be used as a floatation device. Doing a naked cannonball into the water is essentially the same thing as giving yourself a full enema in three seconds time, so proceed with caution. If you have a really great body, allow others with less-great bodies a few minutes to frolic in the water before making your entrance.

SAG-AFTRA Answers FAQs About Labor Day Celebrations During the Strike

Fri, 01 Sep 2023 23:10:21 +0000

Being that Labor Day celebrates unions and the achievements of American workers, are we allowed to celebrate it this year while SAG-AFTRA negotiations with studios are ongoing? If by celebrating it, you mean "attend a pool party that will be filmed and used as b-roll for another Hot Tub Time Machine sequel," then nope. Wait, what else am I not allowed to do this Labor Day? Until contracts are settled, you may not act, sing, dance, or engage in a variety of other activities during gatherings. If you attend a barbecue, you should not attempt to do one of those "what I ate" TikToks. We might consider it promotional content if we see a Heinz ketchup logo. But most of us are not Tom Cruise. Why so many rules? You could be the next Tom Cruise. What if I'm not a SAG-AFTRA member yet? Double no, you may not do any of the above if you ever want to hopefully, hypothetically, potentially become a member in the very distant future. Can I jump over a blazing hot fire pit? Performing stunts are not permitted either. Also, it's not a good idea to risk burning bridges or your face. If acting ever becomes a thing again, you'll need our organization and also, good headshots. What if I make everyone, including my videographer cousin Drew, put their camera away? Don't be silly. Do you really think we are going to believe you'd put yourself that close to an awesome flame created in a charcoal + lighter fluid fire pit without filming yourself? But what if I'm not looking to ever become a member? Ha. Nice try. Secretly everyone wants their 15 minutes of fame and when that happens for you, you'll definitely want more of it. But what if I'm an accountant? When you say you're "an accountant," we assume you mean you were once on The Office. So. no. What if my 6-year-old niece wants me to be in "her show" during our family barbecue? We know that you are dying to be in anything, but you'll have to walk away from this role too. But what if she cries Oscar-worthy tears? Congratulate her on her amazing display of talent. Just make sure no one films her meltdown and there aren't any security cameras on site. We don't want to use her performance against her in the future. What is your position on patriotic sock puppets? Depends on if it has eyes sewn on or not. If it has eyes sewn on, it falls under our 'no puppeteering' clause. If it doesn't have eyes sewn on, sorry- as long as you're operating anything with your hand, it's still puppeteering. For this reason, if you're helping out with the burgers, it's best not to wear an oven mitt. What if my Uncle Joe, who happens to be a director at a local theater, wants to know what I've been up to lately? We consider any small talk with people in the business an "interview." It's best to shift to a discussion about politics. Can I march in a Labor Day parade? Sure, as long as it's not broadcast and you are wearing one of the official WGA solidarity T-shirts for sale on our website. Also, we are assuming by "march in a parade" you really mean "stand in a picket line." Can I show my family videos of my new puppy dressed in a red, white, and blue hard hat and a tool belt? Only if you are confident your friends and family will not report you to our offices for breaking the following rules: Voice Acting (If we can so much as hear you grunt on camera.) Narration (If you comment on the video at all.) Animal wrangling (Assuming your dog does something cute.) Fittings, wardrobe tests, makeup tests (Nice try with the Labor Day outfit.) Producing (You made this video, didn't you?) Social media (Showing any media in a social setting.) The full list is available on our website. Is there anything traditional we ARE allowed to do this Labor Day? You can wear white for the last time. Just not if it's your wedding day because when you recite vows, it's running lines. So essentially, I should just stay home with my face buried in American Pie? Yes. As long as you're not "prepping" for the next American Pie casting call. Also, please...

Internal Memo From Producers Re: Fall 2023 TV/Film Schedule

Fri, 01 Sep 2023 04:54:25 +0000

All the leftwing press claiming the WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes will delay the upcoming network and cable season is nonsense. We don't need those self-indulgent writers and actors anymore, we've got it covered. Here's the preliminary lineup we're working on. Alliance of Motion Pictures and Television Producers Monday Nights 8 pm: House Hunters Regional: After getting evicted from their homes due to nonpayment of rent and foreclosures, out of work acting and scriptwriting staffs compete for space in California's homeless encampments. Writer and host Bob Iger explains why his life is better than yours as we crosscut to locations from his $33 million dollar L.A. mansion, luxury yacht and Disneyland's $1500 a night Grand Hotel & Spa to tent cities and Midnight Mission's shelter. Monday Nights 9 pm: Dancing with the Dead Stars: AI-generated dancers Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers vie against Gene Kelly and Judy Garland, as well as Patrick Swayze and Josephine Baker, for an intergenerational ballroom dancing competition, directed by Jack Warner, with a prestigious panel of judges -Martha Graham, Isadora Duncan and Michael Jackson - never been seen on the same stage before. Another triumph for Netflix executive Ted Sarandos, the writer, producer and star who has ensured that each champion payout goes back to the $191 billion dollar streaming service, with no residuals needed for the deceased cast. Tuesday Night 9 pm: The Murdoch Show: Who needs Succession when we have an animated puppetry extravaganza starring the whole clan, with Lachlan, James, Elisabeth, Grace, Chloe and Prudence. Daddy Rupert pulls all the strings from his palatial estates in New York, California, Montana, England and Australia. Guaranteed non-stop coverage in The Wall Street Journal, New York Post, London Times Literary Supplement, GQ Australia and FOX News. (Spoiler alert: The Tucker Carlson puppet never gets to become a real boy.) Tuesday Nights 10 pm: Project Runway Season 21: Aircraft drones controlled by scientists from Japan, Syria, Russia and Iraq try to blow up WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikers. This IMAX feature stars Universal's Ronald Meyer leading the commandos lurking behind picket lines. Wednesday Nights 8 pm: Say Yes to the Deal: Actors and screenwriters try on different contracts for size, complaining they're all too small. A laugh track, rice toss, champagne and applause erupt when they finally compromise by choosing the least horrible one. Created, written, directed, cast, designed and catered by Sony Chairman Tony Vinciquerra. Thursday Nights 9 pm: THE SUPERGIRL MEETS BATGIRL MOVIE: You thought you'd never get to see the 2022 cancelled multi-million dollar updated classics starring Latina and Afro-Latina actresses. But now these two features are combined together in a digitally remastered extravaganza created, written, directed and animated by highest paid Hollywood executive Discovery's David Zaslav. Featuring the teenage Marilyn Monroe and Elizabeth Taylor as the DC Superheroines. Friday Nights 10 pm: The Real Ex-Housewives of Entertainment Honchos stars model-turned Murdoch wife #1 Patricia Booker, Anna Torv, Wendi Deng, Jerry Hall and almost #5 Ann Lesley Smith in team one. They face off against team two: Ari Emanuel's wives joined by Al Pacino and Kevin Costner's baby mommies who battle through prenup and child support glitches leading to bigger inheritances, pots, pans and furniture. Saturday Nights 10 pm: Survivor/ Death of an Alliance Ultimate Fighter #2: This exciting adventure show gathers a group of striking writers and actors marooned in Hollywood in a contest to land the last menial jobs as waiters, housekeepers, Lyft drivers and construction workers. Created, written, directed and starring Warner Bros' CEO Michael De Luca, as he struggles to launch his own independent company and apply for an exception to shoot Barbenheimer sequels. Sunday Nights 9 pm: GODFATHER PART 3 1/2: Resurrected, revised, restored, rewritten and reproduced by Par...

Depressing Karaoke Night

Fri, 01 Sep 2023 00:38:40 +0000

Just posted to KaraokeClubContest.com is the transcript from last night's Karaoke night: HOST: Oh, you came. Welcome to Depressing Karaoke Night. If you're not bummed yet, you totally will be. First up, we have Amanda coming up. Hi, Amanda. AMANDA: Hello. HOST: So, what are you preparing to sing for us tonight? AMANDA: "Dust in the wind." HOST: That's a buzz kill. AMANDA: Oh, for sure. HOST: Take it away. I'll be over on the side checking my 401(k). HOST: Amazing job. I can feel the apathy in the room. Next up is.Rodney. RODNEY: It's pronounced Rod-NAY. HOST: I should have guessed. So, what brings you out to Karaoke night? RODNEY: The urge to go out and mingle with people, but not actually connect with them. HOST: Good, good. So, what song are you going to sing? RODNEY: "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald." Shout out to Gordon Lightfoot! HOST: To honor the singer/composer! RODNEY: No, my butcher. He gives me the best cuts. HOST: Your butcher is named Gordon Lightfoot, like the singer? RODNEY: What singer? HOST: The guy who wrote and sang the "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald." RODNEY: Really? What are the odds? HOST: Pretty high, I would think. HOST: No, no, guys, come back, come back. We have to give our next singer a chance. Rodney, sit. Everyone sat for your song. So, next up is Dave. What are you going to sing? DAVE: Monster Mash. HOST: Leave. You have to leave right now. DAVE: Oh, man. HOST: That was a close one. Okay, let's bring up Debra now, everyone! DEBRA: It's pronounced Debra. HOST: What did I say? DEBRA: Debra. HOST: Noted. Okay, what song have you chosen for us? DEBRA: I'll be singing "Walking on Sunshine." HOST: Really? DEBRA: No, I'm kidding. I'll be singing "Cat's in the Cradle." This one's for you, dad! HOST: Terrific job.bouncers. Bill and Ted, our bouncers! Okay, people, settle down, settle down. Okay, not that much. Our next performer is Eric. Come on up, Eric! ERIC: I love this! Look time listener, first time singer! HOST: Brave choice. Now, what are you going to sing for us? ERIC: "Yesterday!" HOST: The perfect Beatles' song to bring down the room! Take it away, Eric. HOST: What an odd attempted medley. Depressing but for all the wrong reasons. Okay, it's our last song of the evening and I've been handed a note here, it's from one of our singers, Amanda, she wants all of tonight's performers to come up and join her for a song, so come on up, everyone, great, great. Everyone up? And the song will be.oh, no."Do They Know it's Christmas."

Jesse Watters' Unblemished Record of Heterosexuality

Tue, 29 Aug 2023 22:09:34 +0000

Fox News host Jesse Watters said of Donald Trump's mugshot: "I say this with an unblemished record of heterosexuality: he looks good, and he looks hard." Age 16 Lost virginity to high school girlfriend Jane Doe, a real girl who went to my high school but has since changed her last name, her first name, and all distinguishing physical characteristics so no one can ever look her up. Age 18 Had so much straight sex during college it was hard to record it all, but it definitely happened and you can ask my roommate, who disappeared without a trace over 20 years ago. But one encounter I remember very clearly was with a woman named Lady. Lady was extraordinarily sexy with cabbage-shaped breasts and, like all women - with whom I am very familiar sexually - always wore a lace teddy with a garter and stockings like in the porno mags my roommate (RIP) had. Age 23 Decided to stop being such a heterosexual casanova and settled down for a bit with a girlfriend, with whom I had sex at least five times every single day of our relationship. That's just how strong my straight sex drive is. I just loved having my manly genitals near her feminine genitals until we both gave up, I mean experienced electrifying simultaneous climax. In a weird coincidence, she also is impossible to contact to verify all this due to her relocating to a remote island in the Adriatic Sea. Luckily I wrote our record down myself, which, as all conservatives know, is always a completely accurate and comprehensive account of the whole truth. Age 25 Had a bit of a dry spell for a few years here if I'm being honest, but at no time did I consider or undertake any sexual activity that could blemish my record. No, I held strong, no matter how much women were repulsed by me or I was strangely attracted to a male host of a new popular television reality show. Sure I watched every night (when there weren't new episodes I rewatched old ones) drawn in almost hypnotically by the alluring strawberry blonde god on my screen. Alluring as a friend or a golfing buddy, of course. That's why all the posters of him I had in my room were of him playing sports. They were just on the ceiling so I could learn winning form from this good golfer/athlete. And coincidentally I also began working at a news network that would someday help finally place this stunning man I adored in his rightful place above me, and above all Americans, as our President. Age 31 The ole hetero bug bit me hard in 2009, and not just because a few friends suggested that I stop staring at posters of a man on my ceiling and get out of the house and act like a conservative. So I married my first wife - a woman. And like all married couples, we had sex every single day of our marriage. If you ask her about this, she will probably just lie and say I was too obsessed with making that gorgeous former reality show host president to ever be intimate with her. Eventually our relationship ended, but only because, in the tradition of the party of family values, I was so heterosexual that I was also having sex with another woman. Sure it could be tiring to have sex with two women in one day for a while, but that's just every straight man's life for you! Age 41 Back to only having sex with one woman every day, replicated my first marriage pretty well - as I always say, a heterosexual nuclear family is so nice, I've created one twice! It wasn't to prove anything to anyone or to distract me from my overwhelming fear that a strapping, powerful golfer/athlete, who may no longer be on my ceiling but is always on my mind, might not win reelection. And, unrelated entirely, I made a point to spend more and more of my time cruelly speaking out against LGBTQ+ people and causes. I wouldn't want children to learn that they have a right to be accepted for who they are instead of having to continually convince themselves and everyone else that they are something they are not by doing something ridiculous like bragging about their record of heterose...

Ten Reasons Why I Still Plan to Consume Alcohol Next Weekend Despite Being on Anti-Inflammatory Medication

Fri, 25 Aug 2023 00:23:26 +0000

1. The label on the bottle of pills I received at the pharmacy does not have an alcohol warning. It merely contains the doctor's name, a phone number to call if I need help, and a few other statements I can't see due to blurry vision resulting from spiked blood sugar levels. 2. If there truly is a problem with recreational substance abuse while taking anti-inflammatory meds, then I think only heavy alcoholics who drink every single night should be worried. I'm not a heavy alcoholic. I'm just a weekend warrior. In other words, the act of mixing alcohol with these pills only has a small window of opportunity to create any long-term damage to my cognitive abilities. 3. I've never been a huge fan of the holistic approach to physical and mental well-being. As far as I'm concerned, every part of my body has its own special and unique set of functions. So why should my heart, stomach, liver, or kidneys be adversely affected by the simple act of washing down a pill meant to heal the inflamed bursa in my left shoulder with a gallon of beer? 4. The nurse who gave me a shot specifically told me to avoid strenuous activities such as playing tennis and heavy lifting. She never said that I couldn't immediately drive to the liquor store after leaving the clinic. 5. Some sources on the internet claim that binge drinking may drastically increase the potency of this medicine. That's a good thing, right? That means my shoulder should heal faster if I enjoy a few glasses of whiskey. 6. This problem technically started because I did too many lateral pulldowns in the gym. It didn't start because of alcohol. Alcohol, in fact, had nothing to do with this injury. If I had been drinking this whole time instead of going to the gym, I wouldn't have this issue right now. 7. Heavy alcohol consumption is a normal part of Wisconsin culture. I was born and raised in this state, and I still live here; therefore, it would be culturally inappropriate for me to remain sober on my days off due to fear over developing a few ulcers and some other minor gastrointestinal problems. 8. I'm going to assume that alcohol-induced diarrhea experienced while on non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs is the same as any other type of diarrhea and that it can be cleaned off your couch with a little bit of time, patience, and effort. Boxer briefs and khaki pants are also not that expensive and can be easily replaced. 9. During an intervention that was held for me last week, I was given many reasons why I should cease my weekend alcoholism. None of these reasons, however, had anything to do with medication-induced nausea. In fact, I've often noticed that this type of nausea typically goes away after six or seven strong drinks. 10. I just received a rather large bill in the mail from the clinic. Unfortunately, I can't pay the entire thing because I've already purchased two bottles of whiskey and a 30 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. The way I see it, it's simply too late to change my mind.

This City Has Really Gone Downhill

Thu, 24 Aug 2023 21:00:38 +0000

God, would you look at this place? What a nightmare! I remember back when this city was nice. But now, for so many reasons, it just isn't. I look around, and I just shake my head at what this city has become. Sometimes it saddens me. Other times, it enrages me. There are so many things wrong with this city that it's hard to even know where to begin. I'll start with this, and let me say it very plainly: this city has really gone downhill. Growing up in this city, there was a sense of community, but now there really isn't. Sure people are still throwing parties and having gatherings, but they never seem to invite me. In this city, I used to always get invited to picnics, barbecues, block parties, and so on. These days, when someone passes me on the street in this city, sometimes they don't even say hello! This, in turn, has led to me not saying "hello" for fear that the person passing me won't reciprocate. It's a vicious cycle of unfriendliness brought on by this city. These days, this city has too many people. When I was a kid, this city had fewer people and that was a good thing. Nowadays, everything is just too populated. The grocery stores, the laundromats, the roads, they are all wildly overcrowded. And as more and more folks move here, this city continues to lose its sense of history. For instance, most of the people moving to this city don't even know about the historic fire of 1937 or the fact that this city was once casually mentioned in an episode of Happy Days. And they definitely don't know that a guy who lived here used to hold the state record for the largest Walleye ever caught. People in this city used to have pride in these things because they came from here, grew up here, and as they got older, found themselves stuck here, but now people just move here because of the jobs, local parks, and good schools, which is really a shame. This city has become dangerous too! On my neighborhood Facebook group, people are always talking about how they see "suspicious characters" lingering about town. Sure, this city used to have suspicious characters too, but back then they would be caught committing a crime and then put behind bars for a period of time. These new suspicious characters don't ever actually commit crimes and, thus, are impossible to catch. The crime in this city used to be more obvious and frankly that's how I preferred it. And don't even get me started on the tourism. This city has way too many tourists coming throughout the year. And with each tourist, comes a wad of cash they are looking to spend in this city. We get it, you're rich! You don't have to show the rest of us up. I guess I get why the tourists want to come to this city, what with its abundance of natural beauty, quaint neighborhoods, and I don't know, professional sports teams, but even so, I wish they'd go someplace else. I think the tourists are clogging up our city and being a little too showy with how they spend their dollars and cents. In this city, I have no real friends, but in that city, I have one friend named Jerry. And Jerry says that in that city, they face many of the same problems as this city. I shouldn't be surprised. This city. That city. This state. That state. This planet. That planet. It's all really gone downhill.

I'm the Republican Who's Going to Beat Donald Trump and- Oh No I Just Shit My Pants

Wed, 23 Aug 2023 21:52:22 +0000

My fellow conservatives, it is time to let go of the past and instead look ahead to the future. President Trump served this country well, but he has become too divisive to be the Republican nominee again. We need a sensible, not-Trump candidate who can win back independents, but who is also a culture warrior who can appeal to the MAGA base. We must defeat liberal wokeism, critical race theory, gay teachers, and the trans-agenda before it's too late. That's where I come in. I'm the Republican who's going to beat Donald Trump and- oh no I just shit pants. Hhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnn. I'm still shitting! Unnnnnnnhhhhhhhhh. I can't stop! Hhhhhnnnnnn. Hnn. Ok. I'm done. No, I'm not going to comment on the contents of my pants. Can everyone stop focusing on whether or not my pants are now full of shit? It's as if you want Trump again! This country desperately needs Trumpism without Trump. And I am not Trump. No, I'm- shitting my pants again! Oh no! Hnnnn! Hnnnnnnnnnnnn! Ew, my pants are full of shit! Why is this happening? I'm just trying to say and do everything Donald Trump would while looking and sounding more Presidential! Hhhnn! Oh God I'm shitting more- Hhhhhhhnnnnnnn! The shit's coming out of the bottom of my pants now!Ok, now I really am done. Even covered in shit I'm still the best candidate to take America back for real Americans. I have the record, I have the donors, and I have the will power to forge a new path for the GOP that's mostly the same as the old path except with me at the head of it. Too long have our institutions been controlled by Marxists and Leftists who hate our country. It's time to use the power of the state against those who criticize and oppose us. It's time to- BLAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH! Ugh. I just threw up. I shit my pants again too, but it was mostly throw up this time. I just- MMMMPPPHH. Whew, false alarm. I need a banana to settle my stomach. Good thing I brought one. Mmmmm. Yeah, that's good. Good banana. I'm just going to throw this peel on the ground. That's right, I litter, and I don't care how many liberals it triggers, because I'm- BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! I'm throwing up again! BLAAAAAAAAARRRRRR- whoops! Ow! I slipped on the banana peel! Well at least I'm not throwing up any mo- BLAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGH! Oh no when I fell down I landed on the banana peel and now my projectile vomit is spinning me around on the floor like a top! BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGH! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! BLAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGH! Blargh! Blaurp. Fuck! I'm so dizzy. I'm so glad that's over. I'm covered in shit and puke and piss - I must have peed too at some point - but that's all behind me. The "journalists" in the mainstream media are probably going to skewer me just because I'm a straight white male who in the past shit himself and threw up all over while floundering around pathetically in an effort to mimic the asshole I'm trying to dethrone. Well you won't make me feel ashamed for being a proud- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! What's happening to me? AHHHHHHHHHHHH! My eyes! What's happening to my eyes? AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHRGH! I'm bleeding from my eyes! My eyes are hemorrhaging blood! ! Oh God it hurts! Waaaahhhhhhh-why is this happening to me? Hhhhnnnnnnhh. And I'm shitting again! No, that's blood too! BLAAAAAAARRRGH! Blood is erupting from me! It hurts so much! Please make it stop. Pleeeeaaauhhhhhhhhuhuhuh. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Crying makes it worse. Aaaaaah!Unh. I can get through this. I can finish this. I am the real deal. I am young and photogenic and I'm wearing a suit. I'm not just a shitty knockoff of a piece of shit. Ok. Ahem. Abortion. Any time an abortion happens in this country it's a policy failure for-AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! My bones are breaking! Oh god the pain! AIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!! I'm being crumpled into a little ball! Noooooooo!! AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!! Hhhhhheeellllp meeeeeee. Somebody . . . please . . . tell President Trump I'm open to a cabinet position . . ....

Album Names For Your Dad's Bluegrass Cover Band

Wed, 23 Aug 2023 00:39:05 +0000

Sweet Home Appalachian Dixie With Myself Born To Run Bootleg Hillbilly Jean Is Not My Love Dark Side of the Moonshine Bark at the Moonshine Bluehemian Grasspody Smells Like Hay Fever I Wanna Rocky Top All Night Johnny B. Goat A Pear Tree For Destruction Back in Blacklung Van Hollerin' Hotel Cornbread For Ya Wish You Were Deer

A Peek Inside a College Parent Facebook Page

Tue, 22 Aug 2023 23:53:03 +0000

Anyone in the Memphis area driving to Vermont today? My son Jaden forgot his inhaler. Would love to get it to him ASAP!! (And for anyone who's about to DM me to say if my 18-year-old can't remember his inhaler, maybe he's not ready to live 1,300 miles from home, check yourself!) - Peace, Jaden's mom I know Veronique has only been on campus for 36 minutes, but she's horribly homesick. Can one of you send your extroverted student to visit her please? (Ideally, this should be someone with a high tolerance for crying.) Have your friendly student (preferably a psych major?) stop by Room 408 in O'Hara-Clarkson Hall to cheer her up. Thanks in advance! - V's mom PS: I bet a vanilla soy latte would go a long way toward lifting her spirits! Unusual request: Does anyone have the contact info for the RA on the 3rd floor east wing of McFlagallson Hall? My DS turned off his Snapchat map last night and I have no idea where he is. - Haven't slept a wink in Walla Walla Trigger Warning: Alcohol use, vomiting My DD's roommate has been drinking like a "Real Housewife" since the moment she arrived on campus Thursday. The dorm room rug is literally crusting over with Red Bull-vodka and ramen barf. (See photos) Can anyone share best practices for getting a stranger into treatment? Will also take the number of a good carpet cleaner in the Burlington area! TY! - Hugs not drugs Underage son just got charged with possession. Any lawyers here feel like doing this dad a solid by providing a little pro bono guidance? - Keepin' it real What's the deal with that cashier at Price Chopper? My daughter bought three spiral notebooks and was tricked out in all of her new Mountain Goat gear and this bitch didn't even wish her a good school year?! We're from Texas. Is this how you treat people in the Northeast? If so, f- y'all! - Shoulda been a Longhorn Anybody up for hanging with my 92-year-old mom so DH & I can attend Parents Weekend in October? Your home or ours - Mom's won't know either way! Go Mountain Goats!! - Empty nest is best Our daughter is petite and tires easily. (To read her harrowing birth story and discover mouthwatering chicken recipes, visit my blog!) Since the campus is rather hilly, we got her an electric scooter. We're looking for a friend/athlete who's willing to carry it up and down five flights for her each morning, afternoon, and evening. - The Grateful Gourmet OK, totally disappointed here. It's been two hours and Veronique is still alone in her dorm room. How can she live her best college life if no one will even make the effort to meet her? What kind of place is this? Is this how you raised your kids? - Turning the car around, V's mom When we toured the campus last fall, we were told the Horatio Nelson Jackson Memorial library was open 24/7. I know classes don't start until Monday but last night (Saturday) it closed at 10 p.m. DD is taking 19 credits this semester (and hopes to start an Irish Step Dancing club) so she really needs to get a jumpstart. Does anyone have the provost's email address? I mean, for what we're paying? C'mon now! - Honor student mama Does anyone have the number of the Urgent Care closest to campus? Jaden is having trouble breathing. He'd look it up himself but he was just invited to play Spikeball with some upperclassmen. (And for anyone who's about to DM me to say if my 18-year-old can play Spikeball, he's probably fine, check yourself!) - Peace, Jaden's Mom My DD doesn't know where to sit in the cafe. Sports teams are eating together and taking up all the good tables. There are a few open spots near the windows but they're tattooed in bird shit (see photos), so obviously that's out. Can someone provide the cell numbers for the athletic director and the head of maintenance? What would we do w/o this group!? - Dining Hall Dilemma Dad V's mom again here. I took one look at the traffic heading back to campus and decided it might be easier to get her an emotional support animal. Can anyone share the link where I c...

Breakfast At Tiffany's

Fri, 18 Aug 2023 04:48:04 +0000

Personal Assistant: Ms Trump? There's someone here to see you. Tiffany: Ugh, more paparazzi? Is it the New York Times? Personal Assistant: Er, no. I'm afraid they haven't returned any of your calls yet. Tiffany: Well, who is it then?? GrubHub Driver: Hey, it's just your breakfast delivery ma'am. Tiffany: Ah, yes! Please come forward. GrubHub Driver: Oh hey, you're that lady, from tv! Tiffany: Yes, yes. GrubHub Driver: Right! The nurse who was stealing oxy from the nursing home and selling it to junior high kids! Tiffany: What? No! I'm Tiffany Trump! You probably know me from my reality dating show, Albinos & Winos. GrubHub Driver: Um. Tiffany: We take two different types of people and film them on a date. It's pretty exclusive, you can only watch it if you have the Fishing Channel app. GrubHub Driver: I've got it!! Your dad was the president! Dude, that guy is in a shitload of trouble! Tiffany: Now watch yourself; you won't get into my pants with that type of coarse vulgarity. GrubHub Driver: I'm not trying to get into your. Tiffany: But yes, you're right. the former president is my dad. He won't go to jail, he never does. GrubHub Driver: Okay, but. I mean, they have a LOT of pretty damning evidence. Tiffany: Ah, evidence is like an engagement party held at Waffle House: it only works when poor people are involved. GrubHub Driver: Good lord. have you or your dad ever even been anywhere near a Waffle House? GrubHub Driver: No. And we'll never be anywhere near a prison cell either. GrubHub Driver: .. Tiffany: Now, did you not read the special instructions on my order? You're supposed to beat off onto the oatmeal while I watch. GrubHub Driver: Oh right, sorry.

Quiz: Are You Experiencing Violent, Bone-Shaking Airplane Turbulence, Or Is Your Toddler Just Having Another Turbulent Tuesday?

Thu, 17 Aug 2023 22:11:05 +0000

A child is screaming at the top of their lungs. Any and all loose items are dislodged. Someone is forcefully ejected from their seat. There's juice on your lap. The floor is covered in tiny bags of snacks. It occurs urgently and violently, even on a clear sunny day. Nearby strangers make intense worried eye contact. Your partner is somehow sleeping. A loose toy hits you in the face. Your only viable tool for distraction is a tiny screen full of children's cartoons. If it lasts longer than 40 minutes, you enter a dissociative-fear-trance from which it takes days to recover. Most online blogs say that it's totally normal and that you should stoically ignore the situation, despite the overwhelming feeling that all the violent shifting and stirring could lead to death. Someone pees their pants. Another loose toy hits you in the face. "Is it too early to drink?" Despite your abandonment of religion at age 16, you pray. Somehow, miraculously, everything returns to calm. You decide that if it weren't for your appeal to God through prayer, everything would have continued to spiral toward annihilation. You briefly consider returning to Catholicism. It happens again twenty minutes later. God is dead. 1-20: Turbulence 1-20: Toddler

Detective, if You Mess up 18 or 19 More Times You're off the Case

Thu, 17 Aug 2023 21:10:15 +0000

Now you've done it, Rodriguez, the mayor is up my ass on this one! This is the third time this week your shoot first, ask questions later attitude has resulted in a soup kitchen being destroyed. People are starting to ask questions down at city hall. The first $20 million in damage nobody noticed, but the bills are starting to pile up and get people talking. You are on thin ice Rodriguez, and I can only stick my neck out for you for a few more decades, you hear me? We have rules around here, you get one shot, and then another, and then another, and then several more until you are out on your ass. I run a very tight ship, with many, many exceptions. If I had done half of the stuff you have done Rodriguez, my chief would have sent me several strongly worded letters, with capital letters a plenty. Oh you think I'm kidding? Just because I didn't fire you after you demolished the Salvation Army headquarters chasing a jaywalker? I was pretty damn close to fining you an hours pay after that. You are lucky you caught the guy and took away one more goddamn jaywalker off the streets, I didn't think you should have used a Panzer Tank to get him but by god, it worked. But next time you might not be so lucky to be able to use a large military tank to capture a man who committed a very minor, nonviolent, ultimately completely benign infraction. Look Rodriguez, you know you're a good cop, I know you're a good cop, those girl scouts you put in a sleeperhold know you're a good cop, but that can only keep you here so long. Eventually the mayor is going to wonder if all of your mayhem, destruction, and violations of civil rights and due process are worth the 3% of cases you solve. If you want to stay on this running a red light case, you have to stay above board. I can't afford to possibly lose this job Rodriguez, I got a wife who is 4 or 5 of my affairs away from leaving me, and If I lose my job she will definitely consider having a brief conversation with me about our relationship. If you keep this up, the mayor is going to come down on me with a slap on the wrist so light it'll make your head spin. I am probably going to regret this, but I'm going to give you back this rocket launcher. But I need you to promise you will try your very best not to use it more than a handful of times, otherwise you'll be fired.from the softball team. You're a damn good softball hitter so I would hate to have to kick you off the team just for blowing up a few lousy private residences. Now keep it clean to keep the mayor out of my, city hall out of my ass, the press out of my ass, and everyone else out of my ass! Do I make myself mildly clear? Feel free to disagree completely.

Elevator Pitches for Elevators

Thu, 17 Aug 2023 00:27:51 +0000

Mandatory eye contact for five seconds to get the awkwardness out of the way Buttons made of chocolate so riders can get their sugar fix after selecting their floor Sand to give it a cool beach vibe Sand crabs and arguing families to give it a more authentic beach vibe Pigeons "Elevator Captains" responsible for introducing riders to each other to create a forced sense of community. They'll wear nautical hats and carry big sticks so people know who's in charge Each elevator locks riders inside for ten minutes or until they can solve a series of elaborate puzzles together Rebranding them as "vertical boxcars" Stools Curated cars full of riders who share the same name. "Good morning, Walters." (in unison) "Walter!" Owls Escape hatch to an emptier elevator Trendier escape hatch to a prohibition-style speakeasy Emergency phones that connect anonymously to your childhood bully so you can leave them veiled threats Funhouse mirrors to make riders look thinner to increase their self-confidence Funhouse mirrors to give riders distorted faces so they don't get overconfident Bats TV monitors with footage of devastating natural disasters so the cramped elevator doesn't seem so bad in comparison Words of affirmation read by Tom Hanks FaceTime calls from everyone's dads so they can talk to each other about dad stuff (fences, corduroy, what happened on this week's episode of Yellowstone) Twister Naked Twister (18+) Mojitos (21+) Non-alcoholic mojitos so everyone can enjoy clinking glasses and saying "cheers" (2+) Tag

Diet Tips for Presidential Hopefuls

Wed, 16 Aug 2023 00:21:03 +0000

You want to be president, and I want to help you look like one! Hi, I'm the Nooch, your new nutritionist, because the campaign trail adds ten pounds and you already need to drop fifty. My qualifications are fifteen years of disordered eating and that I recently completed an online certification by clicking through the answers on an internet quiz each week for eight weeks until I got all green check marks and passed. Let's do this. I am so glad you have taken this first step to looking better, I mean getting healthy. There are a few different approaches we can take. Either you go RB4, which means you can eat raw fruit until 4, and after that, only ice cubes; or you can do bulletproof, where every morning you have a coffee with yak butter in it, and that's it. When your stomach starts to make sounds, I bring in a white meditation teacher who has taken a Sanskrit name to play Himalayan singing bowls to help you overcome your hunger. Clean eating is a spiritual path. Okay, no, totally. I could see how those have a sort of coastal elite flavor, and that could cost you the purple states. What you'll gain is more important: nothing. Another option we have is the Master Cleanse. That's a diet for hard working Americans only. You get to eat as much as you want. As long as what you're eating is spicy-sweet water with lemon. Under no circumstances are you allowed to go to Iowa, or any other state where corn dogs are legal. At any campaign fundraiser you attend, say you're coming from another dinner. Not only will this get you off the hook from eating mass catered cod and potatoes, you'll look like you've got lots of funding coming in. Everyone has their weaknesses, yours are Evangelicals and carbs. Let's talk about the HALT method. Don't let your campaign bus stop at any kind of buffet situation or McDonald's if you are feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or if you are Trump. Just kidding, it's okay for Trump to eat. The only thing more American than apple pies is not eating apple pies. Having enough energy to make executive decisions means nothing if voters can't tell where your neck ends and your jaw begins. Think about what really matters. Think about what the Founding Fathers would've wanted. I should tell you how George Washington really lost his teeth. Bulimia. We're body positive now, which means that I'm positive you need to make some body changes. The point of this consultation is that you hear my voice any time a voter tries to serve you a Philly Cheesesteak. What does your ability to stomach Cheez Whiz say about your ability to make foreign policy decisions? Nothing, which is exactly what should always be in your stomach. Portion control means cutting any food you could possibly be served into tiny pieces, with a fork and knife, even if it means the tabloids will roast you for it. Roasted foods, those are also off the table. Show people you have the strength to resist foreign influence by showing them you have the strength to resist the bread bowl. Unlike the national debt ceiling, Ozempic is a non-negotiable. Dieting is just like politics. Odds are you won't accomplish much.

Signs That Your Summer Camp Is Actually a Religious Cult

Fri, 11 Aug 2023 16:35:35 +0000

Aside from Lanyard Making 101 and Ashtray Sculpture For Beginners, there are also several classes devoted to creating cyanide capsules from basic household ingredients. The weekly "Nature Walk" typically involves walking into town to protest at a Planned Parenthood location. The camp's supply of life jackets have pockets filled with rocks. On Parents Weekend, rather than your actual parents, you're visited by an upright, four-armed goat creature. The first aid kit's lone item is a copy of The Bible. The counselors finally take everyone on a field trip, and it's to a local Trump rally. Campfires used for roasting marshmallows and hot dogs, as well as destroying virgin sacrifice remains.

How Dare You Haters Criticize My Hit Country Song, "Trump Will Kick Your Sorry Woke Asses."

Thu, 10 Aug 2023 19:05:32 +0000

First it was the woke haters going after Luke Combs's "Fast Car," then Jason Aldean's "Try That In A Small Town." Now negativity is coming my way because of my new #1 country hit. Deep down it's a song about everyone in this beautiful Nation coming together, if you really listen to it. But for people with the woke mind virus, where my fans and I can see love, all you haters can see is politics, violence, and cultural appropriation. Which is why I feel like I have to explain my new country song set in an idyllic, peaceful small town, "Trump Will Kick Your Sorry Woke Asses." The woke mob is complaining that it's a political song, somehow targeting them. As if you weren't perfectly happy with political songs by socialist singers like Woody Guthrie, Bruce Springsteen, or Harry Styles - you can't tell me that Styles's 2020 "Watermelon Sugar" was anything but hurtful, nasty, and a thinly veiled campaign song for Joe Biden. But "Trump Will Kick Your Sorry Woke Asses" is in no way a political song, or anti-anything or anyone. It's a song about building community, symbolized by the life of a fictional character, who I happen to name "Donald Trump," who lives in a small town called "Mar-a-Lago," and is being prosecuted in a socialist witch hunt including being charged with 40 counts by an entirely bogus special prosecutor named "Jack Smith." As you can see, totally made up. Sort of like every Taylor Swift breakup song; why is no one after her? It's painful to see how people can twist anything into being "political." Merely four times in the song does the word "election" appear, and only twice after "2024." Rarely does the song mention primaries, polls, or direct internet fundraising through Super PACS. In the song's bridge there's a veiled reference to a dream I had, which now I can't remember, when I sing, "We'll wake up happy on Nov. 3/'cause Trump will have 500 in the E.C.," but, for all you woke haters out there, that's how art works. Also, I'm sick and tired of woke-ists complaining about violence this and violence that in country music. As the great Waylon Jennings put it in the granddaddy of all country songs-the Theme from The Dukes of Hazzard-"I'm just a good ol' boy, never meanin' no harm." So in the third verse, when I sing, "He'll kick their asses way down South/Sock those liberals in the mouth," that's entirely metaphorical. As are the lines, "You'll see how high we patriots will be ridin'/When we see Trump literally pile-drive Biden." And, "After Trump with his own actual right fist leaves Joe's skull dented//Biden's physical death will be clinically documented." Which is the sort of loving, meaning-is-in-the-ear-of-the-beholder artistic imagery you liberals would understand if you hadn't gone all woke, brainwashed yourselves with DEI, and gave up reading Shakespeare and shit in favor of gay picture books about, like, trans caterpillars. Finally, all these charges of me and "cultural appropriation" are way out of line. I'm an original artist, and I've written every lick (except for all the songs that I've recorded, which were written by others), poured my heart out on every stage (lip-synching and air guitar aren't easy), and earned every penny (which, given that Spotify only pays like .0001 cents a play, and after Ticketmaster's take of concert revenue, means that I'm still paying off my community college student loans). I have nothing but great respect for and owe nothing to the black artists who came before me, just like my musical heroes, such as Al Jolson, Elvis Presley, and Vanilla Ice. According to my songwriter's copyright lawyer, in no way, besides possibly parts of the baseline, the vamp to the chorus, the piano throughline, some of the instrumentation of the bridge, the entire rhyming scheme, that little thing the trumpet does every eighth measure, and most of the melody does " Trump Will Kick Your Sorry Woke Asses" in any way resemble Aretha Franklin's 1972 single, "Young, Gifted, and Black." A song which, i...

Neighborhood Highlights, According to My Dog

Thu, 10 Aug 2023 00:44:12 +0000

Hi there! Welcome to the neighborhood. These are my pawsitively favorite spots: Dirt Patch You'll find it nearly impossible to pass up this patch of dirt and gravel. Nestled cozily behind Unpredictable Cat's basketball goal, this is a great area for digging, rolling, and huffing piss. Big Bushes An inviting green space that can't be missed. Comprising several bushes at the edge of Nice Cat's yard, it's a must-stop on all of my walks with Food Man. Make sure you stop by during the summer when the fragrant aromas of other creatures' urine begin to bloom and you can take really deep whiffs of various pisses. Grass (Scratchy) Not to be confused with Soft Grass one street over, Scratchy Grass is consistently voted top in the area for scooting on the ground when your butt itches. This is NRA Boomer's house (according to Food Man). Interestingly, this is the only place where Food Man tells me "good boy" for doing my butt stuff. Of course, this spot is also perfect for the frenzied, senseless inhalation of dog, cat, raccoon, opossum, rat, and bird piss. Fence With Dog This is where my friend Fat Dog lives. This is a great place if you are looking to socialize. And while you are here, be sure to take some big honkin' snorffs of the billowing waves of his piss steam coming through the fence. I love swinging by to say hello to Fat Dog. But also, when I leave, I get this strong urge to whizz all over his yard while I look him directly in the eye. So I guess you could say I have mixed feelings about this one. Sketchy Alley This is a great spot to visit without your Food Person. Whenever I get out of the yard, I come to this dark side street to take giant whiffs of my old piss and other dogs' piss and then pee on their piss and see what that smells like, like some kind of piss sommelier. This is also where I have lots of scary sex. Lizard Grave One time I found a dead lizard here and pissed on it. Now, everybody pisses here. I love our community! My Yard Stay the fuck out of my yard.

Classy Alternatives for When Your Extra Virgin Olive Oil Isn't Extra Enough

Tue, 08 Aug 2023 19:17:48 +0000

If you're like me, you die a bit inside every time you see the words "extra-virgin olive oil" in a recipe. Sure, it's a kitchen staple, but at this point it's just passé. Like all real internet chefs, I'm always on the prowl for innovative ingredients just like the ones used by my cooking heroes, Salt Bae and that woman who makes meals by dumping a half-dozen cans of stuff on top of a brick of Velveeta. That's why I'm so excited to share these exciting oil alternatives to give your dishes a tasty twist. Extra-Extra Virgin Olive Oil: Instead of crushing olives to release the oil within, extra-extra virgin olive oil is made by asking the olives politely, gently massaging them, giving them LED light therapy treatment, and then crushing them. What a yum explosion! And it only costs four times as much. Turtle Oil: I won a lifetime supply (three-quarters of a can) of Turtle Oil when I was the runner-up on the 1978 game show Hit the Money!, hosted by Canada's #2 Bert Convy impersonator. It might be meant for pocket watch gears and katana scabbards, but it really adds a hint of brackish brininess that goes great with fish, pasta, or breakfast cereal. Banana Oil: Banana oil is my fave! It turns everything you cook into a dick joke, but a classy one. You know, like Shakespeare would have made in The Taming of the Shrew, if The Taming of the Shrew were a nice casserole. Try it with pork, or add just a sprinkle to your eclairs for an unexpected squelch. Rainbow Truffle Oil: I used to wait all year for rainbow truffle oil, which is just like black or white truffle oil, but only available during Pride. But then I saw a big TV report about how rainbow truffle oil is TRYING to INDOCTRINATE my CHILDREN. And I don't even have children, so it must be something really bad. Anyhow, I'm never using rainbow truffle oil again, and I'd like to apologize for being so divisive. Pit Oil: You ever have a food that takes you straight back to your childhood? That's what Pit oil is to me. It's an equal mix of oils from the commodities in the original game of Pit: Wheat, Barley, Corn, Rye, Oats, Hay, and Flax. I'm not even sure how you're supposed to use it, but my parents had some, and every so often we'd break it out, even though it was missing its lid. And now it's back, so, I dunno, try it with kale. Everything's content! Oil of Olay: This is another case where the original is truly the best. Sure, you can get "Olay" in sleek, modern packaging, but if you're serious about cooking, you have to find some genuine Oil of Olay from before 1999, when the name changed. (I've had great luck asking around the ladies' auxiliary of the local hoarders' club.) It will really give your stir-fries a youthful glow. Duck feather oil: If you're trying to lose weight like I am, you absolutely have to try duck feather oil. It has this chemical that can make your food waterproof, so the things you eat are actually going to pass through your body without being absorbed - or even changing shape. The pounds will melt right off! Cauliflower oil: Cauliflower can do anything! Use it to replace rice, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, or even pizza dough. Cauliflower oil is just as good for frying, and when you use it, you feel like Gwyneth Paltrow. Ol' Ivy Oil: I have hated poison ivy ever since I was six years old and my stuffed animals kept making me flower bouquets from it. But when you take the oils that cause those itchy rashes and age them for about five years, it mellows the effect down to this gorgeous tingling sensation in the mouth. Just like fugu, the Japanese pufferfish that's a delicacy if prepared right and deadly if not. Fugu oil: This is exactly the opposite of poison ivy oil. The aging process only intensifies the poison in a fugu pufferfish, so if you make dishes with fugu oil you could kill somebody. (Not me, though. When I'm trying to get likes and subscribes, I'm immort

Thanks For Cooking, I'll Do The Dishes

Tue, 08 Aug 2023 17:21:53 +0000

Wow, you two are terrific hosts. Thanks for having me at your cottage for the weekend and for the delicious welcome dinner. Please, let me clean up and do the dishes. No dishwasher? No problem! All I need is a sink to plug and a touch of dish soap. No, no, I insist. Doing the dishes is the least I can do to help. Look, I've already plugged the sink and it'll be full of water in no time. Pish posh, pre-rinsing is for people before they swim in public pools. Speaking of pools. it's a pool party for the dishes! No time to scrape off food remnants, everybody in! You can put away that fancy, highfalutin' dish soap. Save it for the next time you're rescuing baby ducks from an oil spill. I found some of this yellow dish soap underneath the sink. You didn't even know you had this kind of soap? I don't know how you missed it, it was tucked at the back next to the rusty can of Ajax. Who needs "ultra" or "platinum" when you have "lemon fresh"? All you need is a couple of drops. What do you mean, where are the bubbles? Sheesh, mister excessive over here, "Use so much dish soap that there are bubbles." Relax, my grandma washed her dishes this way and she lived to be 98 years old. It's a shame she had all of those gastrointestinal issues. I don't care what her doctor said, Gam Gam's GI problems and her dishwashing were totally unrelated. Is that the tray you used to transport the raw chicken to the barbeque? Plop it in! That tray is getting an all expenses paid trip to Helsinki. Don't worry about germs, the hot water will kill most of the bacteria. No hot water at the cottage? No problem-o, the dish soap will do the heavy lifting. Salmonella? Come on, everyone knows you can only get that from salmon. Please, no need for that sponge or scouring pad. I'll just use this handy dandy dish rag to give everything a solid scrub-a-roo. Truth be told, it's actually more of a Karate Kid-style wax on motion which doesn't involve much force at all. It's all about speed and efficiency of movement when it comes to doing the dishes. When I'm done with these dishes, they'll be so clean you could eat off of them. Haha, get it? Eat off of them! I gotta remember that one. See, everything sitting in the sink all at once gives the caked on food a chance to loosen up and fall off. Well, you can't really see anything below the surface because the water has gotten a little murky. When the sink starts to look like a witch's cauldron with bits and pieces of food floating around, that's how you know it's time to pull things out and put them on the drying rack. Hey, a drumstick! Trust me, these dishes are plenty clean. Back in the 1700s entire families bathed this way to conserve water and, if my history is correct, those families were as clean as an ox. Of course that's a real expression. Where do you two think you are going? You're not getting out of drying duty that easily. Grab a couple of towels and get cracking. Remember: whatever didn't come off during the washing is the responsibility of the dryer. Some of the food is really stuck on there, so you might need to use a little extra muscle. It's like Ice-Cube said, "You can do it, put your back into it." Hmm, looks like the sink is having a bit of trouble draining. Probably wouldn't have been an issue if - I'm not going to name names - a couple of people had eaten all of the food on their plates. Give the drain a little time to digest, but you might want to call a plumber if it hasn't unclogged itself by morning. Speaking of morning, I hope you two don't like to sleep in at the cottage. I'm an early riser and I like breakfast served first thing. Don't worry, you cook and I'll do the dishes.

Talkward w/ guest Justin Avery Smith

Fri, 04 Aug 2023 19:18:38 +0000

This week we are talking to comedy writer, pop culture fan, and trekkie, Justin Avery Smith. We chat about cosplay, comedy and his crush on Cmdr William T. Riker. Justin writes for Mcsweeney's, Slackjaw, RobotButt, The Whole Wheat Post, Points In Case, and Greener Pastures. Follow him @justinaverysmith

Amenities at the Anti-Patriarchy Day Spa

Fri, 04 Aug 2023 18:37:48 +0000

At our spa, we help clients de-stress from the daily onslaught of patriarchy, offering a wide selection of services that target the rage and hopelessness unbalancing your body, which dared to be non-white, heterosexual and male. Spa Services Body Positivity Wrap Your aesthetician will smash all of the mirrors in the treatment room prior to your arrival (upon request, we provide a small honeysuckle-scented hammer so that you can do it yourself.) You will wear an appropriately-sized terry cloth robe that, unlike 99.9% of your own clothes, doesn't cut off the blood supply to your brain. Upon giving enthusiastic consent to be gently mummified in a mineral-rich algae wrap, you'll receive a steady stream of affirmations reflecting your inherent human value, while our state-of-the-art Sonos speakers alternate between playing Jessi J's Queen and a calming voice whispering true statistics about the body size of the average human woman. Scream Sound Bath During this treatment you can make as much sound as you want into a lavender-infused void with no fear of reproach from your workplace, friends, family or fun-loving internet strangers. If you require help accessing your scream, we have trained professionals on hand to quietly leer at your breasts until your scream emerges. Body Hair Installation Our talented staff will apply enzymes to encourage natural re-growth on any part of your human body that evolved hair to maintain a stable body temperature and protection from deadly bacteria. As we work hard to make your sweaters redundant, listen to a podcast about how Gillette invented the hairless woman in 1915 to sell lady razors. 50 Shades of Greylights As moisture and natural grays are restored to overly-processed locks, a member of staff will place Monopoly money in your hands to represent the $55,000 you'll likely be spending on hair services/products throughout your lifetime. Or perhaps you want your textured hair back after years of burning it straight in order to "avoid distracting folks at the office?" No problem. We can quote Audre Lorde poetry to each individual strand until it remembers its original purpose and rediscovers a curl. At the conclusion of any salon service, Phoebe Waller-Bridge will emerge from underneath a hooded dryer to reassure you that hair actually isn't fucking everything. Age Infusion Facial During this service we do nothing. Unlike your usual dermatologist who will try to upsell you Botox while scraping off those precancerous moles, you get to think about something/anything else for the next 45 minutes. Spa Facilities Water Lounge Our smart jets auto-locate the clitoris and are programmed to be incapable of trying to replicate something they saw in porn. Meditation Lounge As you sink into a cocoon chair that feels like a hug from Gloria Steinem, you will start to envision a world in which your partner proactively takes responsibility for 50% of all household and childcare tasks. As you sip cucumber water and ascend, you will see all of the ways to encourage this partnership that don't involve yet another day of delegating (often referred to as 'nagging'), but are instead a wholesale change of socio-cultural expectations. VIP Lounge While equity is our calling card, we offer one exclusive lounge for guests - but only if they are an underpaid nanny, babysitter, teacher or unpaid caregiver. In addition to the traditional onsen baths historically enjoyed by Japanese Emperors, this space offers permission for childcare workers to act as entitled as they fucking want, as if they held jobs highly valued in our society. Spa Locations: Our spas are located in reclaimed landmarks of misogynistic malarkey around the world. Pamper yourself (or ask about gift certificates for the marginalized ones you love!) with the vichy-waterfall exclusively at our Los Angeles location in the former Playboy Mansion, where the decision to take your tits out is now entirely up to you; indulge in a hot stone massage on the obscenely ...

All These Ballplayers Spontaneously Bursting Into Flames Is Killing Baseball

Thu, 03 Aug 2023 22:29:01 +0000

Look, it's high time we all acknowledged something: the number of baseball players spontaneously going up in flames has gotten way out of hand. It seems like not a game goes by now without at least one professional athlete being reduced to a pile of ash in the middle of a decisive innings. Picture this. You're sitting there melting in the grandstand, trying not to pay too much attention to the stadium thermometer climbing above 110, and the nagging sense that your corneas have been glowing like bright embers for the past 3 hours, and bang! There it is: a deafening pop followed by the unmistakable whiff of a player's charred flesh. It frankly stinks, and it's killing baseball! Take this game right now. The announcer is calling it an extra-innings thriller, but who could tell through all the acrid smoke blanketing the field? It makes me wonder, why even bother leaving my game day den, which is currently being AC'ed to arctic-low temperatures because I forgot to turn it off when I left home this morning, and also every other morning. Answer me this, MLB. How are fans supposed to enjoy a day out at the ballpark while constantly on edge that their favorite players could at any point start smoldering and catch fire? There's nothing worse than sinking ten minutes into tracking the finger grip of your favorite pitcher, only to have your concentration broken by some outfielder getting vaporized out of the corner of your eye. Let me tell you, your brain's not letting you see or think about anything else once it catches sight of an entire infield erupting into a fireball. That's just basic human neurology. People probably won't like this idea, but it might be time to go back to an era of stricter rules when fans weren't disrespected so regularly. For instance, at an absolute minimum, if a player decides to slide into those enormous pits of fire spitting out between 2nd and 3rd base and doesn't have the basic decency to come back up, he should receive an immediate ejection. I'll admit, I've thought about this a lot during the hundreds of thousands of miles I've clocked up following my team around, and I've come to two realizations. One, it would probably be more economical to take a pile of money, cover it in gas and light on fire than continue to run my ravenous, seven-seater beast, but what are you going to do? Make changes to your lifestyle? And two, the cause of the massive uptick in this bursting into flames hoo-ha sure has me stumped. I just can't for the life of me in days gone by remember seeing such an alarming number of batters consistently crackle like hot coals up there at the plate, or so many SUVs on the road that look like mine. It certainly seems to be a troubling, recent phenomenon. I guess not too dissimilar to the mystifying flash floods, landslides, tornadoes, blizzards, and rivers catching fire I've driven past and not stopped to learn about in the last 12 months. My friend, who is a very successful livestock business owner and therefore the person I turn to for answers to environmental issues I don't pretend to understand, says the reason players are regularly getting carbonized by heat rays is actually very simple. It's merely the logical end product of the work-shy modern baseballer, who is more interested in doing something inflammatory than putting on his highly-flammable synthetic fiber uniform and going out there and doing his job on these catastrophically-dry summer days. Anyway, I've said my piece. Hopefully that's it for unexpected outbursts from players, and we can get back to the red-hot action in this heat dome. According to the jumbotron up there - which we should definitely move away from before the cables melt - so far that's two strikes, two balls, bases are loaded, and two basemen have been thoroughly incinerated. Hot damn, this is going to be one hell of a scorcher!

No, I'm Not Prepared To Tell You How I'd Like My Hair Cut

Tue, 01 Aug 2023 23:10:15 +0000

Hmm. Yes, that's a great question. Question of the hour really. I must admit that it has kind of caught me off guard. Though, I suppose it shouldn't have, considering this is an appointment for a haircut and you, Dave, have been cutting my hair for the last 12 years. Even so, your question has me at a bit of a loss. Of course, I've thought about how I wanted my hair prior to sitting down in the chair today, but it's a bit hard for me to describe. Yes, I am finding it quite challenging to articulate what exactly it is that I am looking for. I guess as an opening gambit, I would say that I'd like my haircut different. Something different. Is that enough to go off of? I suppose it would be easy for me to say that I want the usual, but Dave, I don't really want the usual. Not that the usual isn't great because it is! I love the usual. But, I guess I'm looking for a haircut that helps change who I am as a person. I understand that this puts a lot of pressure on you, and for that I do apologize. With that said, I saw what you just did with that schlubby 40-something who came in before me looking like Frank Stallone and who strutted out 25 minutes later looking a lot more like Sly. Can you fundamentally change my personality and overall lot in life with this haircut, Dave? Because if so, let's do it. Yes, I recognize that we have been in this situation before and that the onus falls on me to provide you with some direction to go off of. But don't come down on me too hard. I did bring you that photograph of Brad Pitt from Once Upon A Time In Hollywood once, but then you told me that you weren't able to add hair to my head, and I felt a bit dejected. I'm thinking if you maybe cut the sides some and then cut the top some that maybe that might be good. And yes, of course, cut the back some too. As per how much hair, I can't really say. How about you cut a bit of it? Yeah, if you cut a bit of hair all over my head then I think we'll be in good shape. On second thought, maybe you had better cut a lot of hair, so I feel like I'm getting good value. I guess in a perfect world, you would cut a bit in some places and a lot in some other places. Does that sound doable? Sorry Dave, I know I'm a nightmare, but trust that whether I love my hair or not, you'll still get your customary 5% tip. So it's settled then: You're going to cut varying amounts of hair in varying places on my head. When it's done, you're going to style it the same way it's been for the last 20 years and I'm going to be disappointed that it doesn't look better. But I won't be disappointed with you, Dave. I could never be disappointed with you. I will be disappointed at myself for not providing you, a total and absolute artist, with a better canvas. So, yeah, I guess the usual.

Rejected Expressions to Say 'It's So Hot'

Fri, 28 Jul 2023 19:27:41 +0000

It's so hot that my Hot Pockets are now Scalding Pockets. It's so hot Mary had a little braised lamb. It's so hot people are standing near pregnant women to be there when their water breaks. It's so hot my soup gave me brain freeze. It's so hot I hit on Megan Fox just to get the cold shoulder. It's so hot the breeze gave me a blowout. It's so hot my chicken laid a hard-boiled egg. It's so hot, my taint is hosting the next biosphere project. It's so hot that the boils on my back all popped at the same time. It's so hot that my pimento cheese sculpture of George C. Scott had to be placed into my meat locker. It's so hot farmers are harvesting corn already popped. It's so hot my colostomy bag is making my apartment smell like a Golden Corral. It's so hot my weather app converted to scovilles. It's so hot that the pope murdered a bunch of people just so he could cool off in Hell. It's so hot, I swear, I just saw a rotisserie chicken fly by the window. ‬ It's so hot the Statue of Liberty plaque was rewritten: Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning for central air conditioning. It's so hot police chalk outlines have sweat marks under their arms. It's so hot Ted Cruz's dad went back to the grassy knoll. for the shade. It's so hot my weed smoked itself. It's so hot farmers are harvesting tomato bisque straight to can. It's so hot Hell's Kitchen is just called Kitchen.

Benjamin Moore Paint Palettes Used In The Making Of The Over-The-Top Barbie Movie

Thu, 27 Jul 2023 19:46:42 +0000

Popular Hues for an End-Stage World These pinks on pinks on pinks create an effect that makes the shrinking middle class puke the totally wrong shade of fuchsia. Dream Colors for Climate Change There's no camouflaging our burning planet. So might as well use paint colors that can be seen miles away in outer space. Maybe in a perfect world we'll be rescued by a fleet of alien dolls. Interesting Shades of Question Let's talk about the power of color in a nursery or on a kitchen apron. Are we all supposed to fit neatly into the perfect color swatch? Also, admit it. You always glance twice at a man in pink. Why's that exactly? Perfect-World Problem Tints How's this for the pinks of privilege. They're loud, demanding, and always in need of someone's manager. Infuriating Hints of Body Negativity No Pepto Bismol here. Just perfect bodies that never develop indigestion from overeating. These hues are purely cosmetic. A Rosy Palate of "Seriously!" Time to reflect with pink tints of "I can't believe we're still dealing with these issues."

What Your Therapist's Couch Says About Them

Thu, 27 Jul 2023 00:04:12 +0000

Armchair: A regular therapist. Chaise lounge: A regular therapist, who takes naps between clients. Hard wooden chair: A therapist who wants you to feel physically and emotionally uncomfortable until you find just the right spot to lean on. Eames chair: Well la-di-da, you've found yourself a fancy therapist with some well-to-do clients. His mother's / her father's favorite rocking chair: A Freudian therapist. Balance ball: A therapist who espouses the strong connection between mind and body, and also moonlights as a pilates instructor. High chair: A therapist who specializes in child developmental therapy and clients of all ages who throw their food. Camp chair: A therapist who is taking acoustic guitar lessons; expect lots of outdoor retreats and sitting around a fire singing Kumbaya. Dental chair: These sessions are going to hurt and won't be covered by your health insurance. Your bed: A teletherapist. Their bed: A therapist too involved with their clients. Airplane seat: Buckle up for a therapist who will use a lot of aviation metaphors, such as 'there might be turbulence, but you're the pilot of your own life', 'let your personality take flight', and 'your session has been unexpectedly canceled'. Bean bag: A therapist desperate to be known as 'the cool therapist', and hoping to score a gig at a trendy start-up using their modified version of CBT - 'Cognitive Bag Therapy'. The Iron Throne: A therapist with an unhealthy obsession with Game of Thrones, this is something they should talk to their therapist about. Toilet: You need a new therapist.

Other New Florida State Board of Education Guidelines

Wed, 26 Jul 2023 00:19:12 +0000

"The Florida State Board of Education's new standards includes controversial language about how 'slaves developed skills which, in some instances, could be applied for their personal benefit,' according to a 216-page document about the state's 2023 standards in social studies, posted by the Florida Department of Education." Florida's State Academic Standards - Amendments, Social Studies, 2023 Great Depression - Examine how grown people under the age of ten can pull themselves up by their bootstraps and contribute to capitalism COVID-19 - Explain how Covid only affected very old, worthless people such as President Joe Biden. Explore how doctors do not always understand biology and it's each citizen's right to do their own research and act accordingly as well as amass an arsenal to drive the science home. Columbine High School 'Massacre' - Describe in great detail how libraries are high-risk, unsafe death traps. Students should understand the life-threatening risks of entering them. World War I - Not necessary to teach - too boring. World War II - Describe how even broads can find a place in society once learning a marketable skill. The September 11th Terrorist Attacks: Explain how the liberal sanctuary city of New York is a terrible and dangerous place for commerce. The free state of Florida is much more business-friendly with generous tax breaks. Terrorists love Florida and will never harm it. The Witches of Salem - Elaborate on how the most malevolent people in the United States are godless spinsters. Instruction includes the love of our Savior Jesus Christ and knitting. The boys may use their knitting needles as weapons but the budding uteresus must produce one pair of baby booties by year's end. The 1906 San Francisco Earthquake and Fire: Again, a highlight how liberal sanctuary cities are dangerous and punishable by God. Instead, emphasize how San Francisco is the birthplace of the delicious American staple food, Rice-a-Roni. Jan. 6 - Analyze how independent, armed tours of famous government buildings can be a fun adventure. Instruction can expand to how ballot machines can easily be compromised by Venezuelans. The Holocaust - Explore the fabulous opportunity for parents to engage in fun and immersive games with their children. Students are encouraged to watch Roberto Benigni's Oscar-winning "Life is Beautiful" and only "Life is Beautiful". Catholic Church sexual abuse cases - Never happened. Pearl Harbor - Describe how although Hawaii has been portrayed as a paradise such as in the Disney propaganda documentary Lilo and Stitch, it's filled with bullseyes only seen by enemies. Challenger Space Shuttle - Teachers, especially those with gross ladyholes, should not be gallivanting in space but instead teaching history.

The Mayor Doesn't Have a Magic Wand.

Tue, 25 Jul 2023 23:24:53 +0000

Here is a transcript from today's press conference by local Mayoral Press Secretary, Carla Hobbes, concerning air-pollution from the Canadian wildfires: PRESS SECRETARY HOBBES: "Good afternoon. With air quality improving, our recommendation to stay indoors should be lifted by early next week. Let's take some questions." REPORTER #1: "Could the Mayor have done more to prepare the city for this scenario?" PRESS SECRETARY: "This is ultimately a Climate-Change issue. We can't control which way the wind blows. The Mayor doesn't have a magic wand." REPORTER #2: "Since you brought it up: Where is the Mayor's magic wand? Many residents say the wand was the main, or even the only reason they voted for him. Wouldn't it have helped here?" PRESS SECRETARY: (big sigh) "Look, the voters elected the Mayor for his ideas. Not just the wand. Since he only used the wand to serve those ideas, nothing's really changed here, guys." REPORTER #2 (follow-up): "How can you say that? For years, the Mayor has wielded the wand's powers daily - some would say quite floridly - for crowd-pleasing stunts that boost his approval ratings. Ever since the wand went missing, the Mayor hasn't even been seen in public." PRESS SECRETARY: "The Mayor has always had the deepest reverence for the wand's mysterious powers, ever since the stormy night its cricket-hum song beckoned him, and him alone, to discover it at the bottom of Fairview Lake, glowing and pulsating with benevolent magics. Which the Mayor went on to use, without exception, for the greater good. Period." REPORTER #3: "Well, our analysis shows the wand was used almost exclusively on popular local issues, like traffic. Sure, our local sports teams didn't lose a single home-game for a year. And sure, Taylor Swift played our local arena every night for six months, some say against her will - " PRESS SECRETARY: "Wow, Debbie. I saw you singing a very different tune in the front row last week. Namely, 'Willow.'" REPORTER #3: (ignoring this) " - but critics ask: Why didn't the Mayor use the wand to address bigger issues facing our city - our country - like poverty, racism, and yes, Climate Change?" PRESS SECRETARY: (big sigh) "OK, let's explain this again. Early on, the Mayor discovered that if he tried to use the wand's magic on anything outside of our city's borders, not only did the magic fail, but the Mayor would spit up blood, lose control of his bowels, and a bunch of his hair would turn white. Plus, every bird in a 250-yard radius would drop dead. For the Mayor, an avid birder, watching his feathered friends plummet from the sky like fallen angels was.devastating. The magic had to be limited and local." REPORTER #4: "Shouldn't the Mayor have at least demonstrated this 'limit' to the public?" PRESS SECRETARY: "And soiled himself in front of 50 reporters? Would I be good at my job if I let him do that, Bruce? I had hoped a basket of dead birds would be proof enough. But that only led to accusations we killed the birds ourselves. Which is abhorrent." REPORTER #5: "On that note, surely you've heard the public's nicknames for the wand: 'The Devil's Toothpick,' 'Samhain's Pinkie,' 'The Dementor's Dildo.' With many fearing its power derives from dark magic, couldn't it fall into the wrong hands now that The Mayor's lost it?" PRESS SECRETARY: "Let me be clear. The Mayor did not 'lose' the wand. It is blatantly obvious that City Councilman Teddy Bilson - who plans to run against the Mayor next year - stole it." REPORTER #4 (follow-up): "Do you have proof of this?" PRESS SECRETARY: "Um, have you visited Councilman Bilson's District lately? He's been trying, and failing, to renovate Woodlawn Bridge to ease traffic for a decade. Last Tuesday, the bridge was completed literally overnight. Boom! 8 A.M. Shiny new 8-lane bridge. How? Magic. From a stolen wand Councilman Bilson was never meant to have." REPORTER #5: "Well, to be fair, can you really claim the Mayor was 'meant' to have the wand? I mean, all he did was fi...

Things To Consider When Buying A New Swimsuit

Fri, 21 Jul 2023 17:04:42 +0000

Are your testicles in the same spot of your body that they were the last time that you wore a swimsuit? Do the various colors of the swimsuit do a good job of taking attention away from the bed-bug bites covering your back and thighs? Is that odd, sour cabbage type aroma just the bathing suit, or is that simply coming from you? Is this skimpy enough to attract desired attention, but not so skimpy that you won't be allowed into Golden Corral? When you decided to get the My Little Pony tattoo last year, were you also deciding that you could no longer publicly wear a swimsuit of any kind? Is the combination of a snug bikini thong along with rectally smuggling a baggie of drugs a bad combo? Will this swimsuit form an adhesive bond when placed onto a corpse? After how much time? Will this swimsuit be an adequate dam again the tidal waves of swamp-ass? Does this swimsuit have the necessary range of motion and flexibility to allow you to run full tilt away from the inevitable crazed gunman? Should you perhaps just stay at home and instead watch far more attractive people in bikinis on one of those reality dating shows?

A Statement on Our Relationship From American Airlines and JetBlue Airways

Thu, 20 Jul 2023 21:16:17 +0000

"American Airlines and JetBlue Airways will end their partnership after a judge ruled that the deal violates antitrust law.JetBlue said Friday that it will end codesharing - the practice of selling seats on each other's flights - and reciprocal frequent-flyer benefits on July 21." #:~:text=American%20Airlines%20and%20JetBlue%20Airways,flyer%20benefits%20on%20July%2021. It is with great sadness that we at JetBlue and American Airlines announce the end of our partnership. This was a very difficult process for us and we want everyone to know that we are parting on loving terms. We have nothing but admiration for each other's low fares, bonus mile offers, and inflight menu selections. Life, and The Justice Department, are simply sending us on different flight paths. Unfortunately, our bid to stay partners was not cleared for take-off. But we've still enjoyed three wonderful years together blending revenues, pooling our gates, and confusing the shit out of our customers. Although we must part ways, these moments will always be cherished. We ask in advance for your kindness and sensitivity as we begin to unwind this partnership that we can't even keep straight. Is the flight American but operated by JetBlue? Or is it JetBlue ticketing but American operated? Where do I even check my bag? These charming little idiosyncrasies of our association will sadly be coming to a close. Our priority is, as always, our shareholders. Despite our heavy hearts, we are committed as ever to flying further, aiming higher, and making our seats even smaller. While knowing that we will not be traveling together comes with a great deal of sadness, each of us is looking forward to the next leg of our journey. We appreciate your continued business as we re-route and take off in different directions. We hope for a future where we are once again united. With United too, actually. Can we talk about buying them? Until Our Next Monopolistic Merger, American Airlines and JetBlue Airways

You Love This Ad for the Barbie (the Movie)/Progressive Insurance Commercial Barbie (the Doll)-Themed Pinkberry Flavor

Thu, 20 Jul 2023 20:35:34 +0000

"Ahead of the July 21 film starring Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling, the Barbie parent company has been on a marketing blitz, ensuring that whether or not shoppers actually go see the movie, they will stumble on the 100-plus Barbie collaborations." - Wall Street Journal, July 17 You thought that your excitement over Barbie-related products and media had reached its apex when you used AirBnB to stay overnight at a life-size version of her Malibu DreamHouse, racing a digital Barbie Corvette on the Barbie Xbox Series S while wearing your Malibu Barbie graphic halter top from the Forever 21 X Barbie collection, a pink gingham Barbie cardigan from Hot Topic, and Barbie platform rainbow sneakers from Superga. But tonight, as you view the movie during its release exclusively in theatres, you realize that you were not prepared for what was about to befall you - an unprecedented, mind-blowing in-movie marketing experience: an intermission from the film during which you may watch the premiere-within-a-premiere of an ad for the Barbie (the movie)/Progressive Insurance Commercial Barbie (the doll)-Themed Pinkberry Flavor. This, finally, is the maximum Barbie branding saturation you have been waiting for. The first 20 minutes of the movie were already fantastic. Your Progressive insurance was already providing pink-hued peace of mind. The Barbie Land Berry Pink Pinkberry was already a satisfying, cool treat that was providing you with all of the nutrition and spiritual sustenance you could ever need. But this ad has sucked you into a blissful vortex of Barbie X Every Other Brand X You partnership. It is the greatest creation you have ever seen. The best art reveals truth - in this case, the true revelations that: You can save big on home and auto insurance with Progressive. You can achieve these savings while savoring a strawberry-and-dragon fruit-infused large cup of Pinkberry frozen dessert, made all the more pleasurable by the knowledge that the flavor is only available for a limited time. The Barbie movie is out now. You can enjoy these savings, this Pinkberry, and this film while playing with several Barbie dolls. The theatre staff will not confiscate them. Some of said Barbie dolls are from the Barbie (the movie) universe. Others are from the regular Barbie-doll universe. The most outstanding dolls of all are from the Barbie (the movie)/Progressive insurance commercial Barbie (the doll)-themed Pinkberry flavor universe. As soon as you leave the theatre, you must acquire these dolls. If you don't feed them their special Pinkberry and insure them with Progressive, they will die and it will be your fault. At first, you had the fleeting thought that this ad was interrupting your screening of the Barbie movie. But now, in the grip of the ad's masterful storytelling, you know that the real interruption will be the resumption of the movie itself. The real interruption will be anything that stands between you and this ad. and whatever it instructs you to do. The ad will tell you that your new purpose in life is to go forth and make more ads for the ad: Tell the people that, if they haven't yet, they are to go see Barbie in theatres so that they can view the ad for the Barbie (the movie)/Progressive insurance commercial Barbie (the doll)-themed Pinkberry flavor. Then, once they've bought and consumed the Pinkberry dessert, they must spread word of the ad - until everyone in the world is disseminating commercial messages about this wondrous commercial message. Then, at last, everyone in the world will be X everyone else in the world, in perfect synergy.

Classic, Respected Literature As Tasteless, Lowbrow Poop Jokes

Wed, 19 Jul 2023 00:41:48 +0000

I Know Why The Caged Turd Sings Shart of Darkness Draculumps The Great Shatsby (by F Scott Shitzgerland) A Tale of Two Shits To Kill a Mockingturd One Hundred Years of Solid Poo Stankenstein One Poo'd Over The Cuckoos Nest Great Expectashits Catch Number Two Poo-lysees The Grapes of Crap The Shart of War Brave Poo World The Smell Jar The Fellowshit of The Ring Doo Doo-ne Charlie and The Chocolate Factory The Brown of The Baskervilles

Burning Questions for Greg, The Magical Talking Sentient Penis Pump

Fri, 14 Jul 2023 18:38:39 +0000

When my great uncle died a few months back, he left me one item in his will: his beloved penis pump. Kind of grossed me out at first, but then, quite by accident, I discovered the pump ("Greg" from here on out) has an impressive array of mystical properties. Perhaps most amazingingly, Greg can answer any question asked of him. Are the answers correct? Who cares? Do you have access to a penis pump named Greg who will answer your questions in a soothing, deep baritone? Then just shut your pie hole, why don't you!! Q: What's the deal with Tony Danza? Is he really and truly the leader of a cannibal cult operating under the auspices of the Mormon Church? His constant appearances in my dreams, while initially a pleasant reprieve from malaise, have become quite terrifying. Greg: That's the guy from Who's The Boss, right? Yeah, I don't know what his deal is. What difference does it make to you? Mind your own business. Q: Hey, do you know where I put my keys? I swear to God, I can't find them anywhere! Greg: I'm reaching out. reaching out.. best as I can tell, your keys are on the floor of your bedroom closet. A mere 2 feet away from your own penis pump! And lucky for you, too! We mystical penis pumps can communicate telepathically from as much as a hundred miles away from one another, and fortunately your penis pump (Hank, just so you know) is literally humming with mystical energies. Q: How long should I microwave this Salsbury steak and corn dinner? I accidentally threw the box in the trash before reading the instructions, and I don't want to stick my hand into the garbage bin. Greg: Um. do I look like I eat to you? Listen, pal, I'm a sentient penis pump. The only thing I've ever eaten was the withered organ of an elderly man, and I can assure you that was under extreme protest. Q: I'm a bit flustered, so please forgive me. but would you have any interest in going with me to prom? Greg: Yes, I will! And I'll tell you why: it's going to be hilarious when you place me gingerly into the punch bowl! But please don't forget my corsage; I'm a fun date, but I don't come cheap. Q: I was adopted as a young infant, and recently discovered the whereabouts of my birth parents. If I were to seek them out, where should I begin? Greg: As someone who was discarded and passed along from person to person over the past seventeen years, having only recently been purchased by this latest old pervert at a flea market six months ago, I can relate to your dilemma. If you do ultimately decide to seek out your biological parents, my only advise would be to not mention the fact that you were pushed in their direction by advice from a sentient penis pump. Its not as good an ice breaker as you might think, in my experience. Q: Can you believe how hot it already is this summer? It's crazy! For those, like me, foolhardy enough to brave the elements, what SPF do you recommend? Greg: I'll be honest here, if temps go above 83, I tend to stick to the indoors with the a/c cranked to the max. Even though I'm made of a high quality plastic with an added protective polymer resin coating, I can very easily crack in extreme heat. Plus, many different types of sunscreen remind me of the same type of stuff that many of these deviants slather me in, so I just try not to think about it if at all possible.

CARTOON: Uncover Up

Fri, 14 Jul 2023 17:58:59 +0000

Responses to the Question, 'Is Your Company Hiring Assassins?

Thu, 13 Jul 2023 18:16:40 +0000

"We just hired two assassins, but if you manage to catch and kill one of the new guys and bring us their hands, I can forward your resume to HR." "Do you have B2B sales experience? Because I spend ninety-five percent of managing my team's marketing funnel and only five percent filleting a low-level member of British royalty with a mustard spoon in the back of a London cab." "Not looking for assassins per se, but we need an HR person with experience running exit interviews on the edge of the roof of our building ." "Looking at your portfolio site now. Have you heard of Canva? Get an account, and you can easily design an infographic showing your experience with killing sleeping dignitaries and digging out an eyeball to scan into the high-level security. Then I would feel more comfortable passing it along to our recruiting director, Professor Vlad Shadekill." "Not hiring as of now, but if I can give some LinkedIn feedback, I would just leave your Udemy Javascript certification in skills and then, in the bio, mention you changed a small third-world island nation into a democracy by murdering a despot with his bidet." "The industry is changing quickly; your best bet is to freelance. BE YOU INC. I would build up your resume by playing two governments against each other, jack up your day rate, kill the generals on either side, and collect two paychecks. The downside is handling bloody kill tarps and 1099s." "Jim, I've seen you play Pickleball. You'd be dead in a week if you worked here." "Do you have active socials? Management loves it if you post on social consistently. It will go a long way if you film yourself on Youtube Reels giving pointers on garroting a billionaire financing a shadow government." "This company is obsessed with employee ROI. Make sure you talk about when you went to Central America and knee-ripped that four-star general, threw the caps to sever the head of the consultant member, and then punted the skull to throat explode the local comptroller." "It's so great to hear from you. Bryce told me you were looking for a career change. Did you do any assassinating and limb disposal while at Emerson? That would help." "We're full-time back in the office, and Jenny said you were looking for WFH flexibility since you just had the twins. Also, are you sure you are prepared to disavow your identity and leave behind everything you have ever known?" "The best I can do is forward to HR your number of kills, aliases, preferred katanas, countries you've murdered in, and an updated resume. A cover letter too, but only if you have experience improvising a guillotine in a residential backyard and AI prompting." "I just got a message that I have to kill my boss because he compromised our location and cooked tilapia in the microwave, so maybe reach out to me again in the Fall or early Winter?? So good to hear from you!"

Mission Impossible Movie or Improv Troupe?

Wed, 12 Jul 2023 16:31:20 +0000

1.The key players are a small motley crew. 2. The team is not technically employed by any particular entity. 3. It's not clear if or how anyone's getting paid. 4. The group is willing to do a bunch of crazy hijinks. 5. One guy in particular likes to show off all the stunts he can do himself. 6. Another guy always cracks jokes during tense scenes. 7. There's an excessive amount of masquerading as different characters. 8. The people involved consider their work a "craft." 9. It's a lot of white guys and one woman. 10. The woman always has to play a love interest. 11. The group believes what they are doing is saving the world. 12. It's full of drama and a lot of blow-ups. 13. Each production is different, but somehow you feel like if you've seen one, you've seen 'em all. Key: 1-13 Mission Impossible Movie 1-13 Improv Troupe

Classic Children's Books Updated for Our Time

Tue, 11 Jul 2023 05:11:43 +0000

The Little Engine That Could and the Controlled Release of Vinyl Chloride Harriet the Spy May or May Not Have Seen the Classified Documents at Mar-a-Lago Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day of Meetings That Could Have Been Emails The Very Hungry Caterpillar Has Been Seeing Lots of Online Ads for Ozempic Lately Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret, and You Should Probably Know What Ron DeSantis Is Saying About You The Red Balloon Is Just a Regular Old Balloon and Is Totally Not Spying on Anybody If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, He’ll Ask for a Grimace Shake The Day the Crayons Quiet-Quit Oh, the Places You’ll Go in Your Recalled Tesla The Little Prince Feels a Bit Smug About Harry and Meghan’s Failed Spotify Deal Anne of Green Gables Has Violated HOA Guidelines for Paint Colors Diary of a Wimpy Kid Who Is Now a Veteran of School Active-Shooter Drills Cloudy with a Chance of Lab-Grown Meatballs The Lightning Thief Was Caught in the Act by a Doorbell Camera A Chair for My Mother to Sit on During Her Unpaid Maternity Leave The Cricket in Times Square Is the Only New Yorker Happy About the Swarms of Invading Aphids Dear Mr. Henshaw, My School Has Banned All Your Books

Gambling Problem? Visit Our Casino!

Fri, 07 Jul 2023 16:05:24 +0000

We at Betplex Wagermania offer the most heart-pounding, adrenaline-pumping table games, slots, and sports gambling anywhere, but we understand the destructive power of addiction. Furthermore, we’re against it. Per a recent settlement, we have to be. If you are unable to control your impulses, we encourage you to avail yourself of the complimentary counseling services at Betplex Wagermania’s Ultimate Palace of Chance. These gambling-addiction counseling services are as free as the drinks at our casino. To get them, just make your way to our Bet Responsibly booth. Pass the craps tables on your right; turn left at the blinking, ringing slot machines; hang a slight right after the fourth roulette wheel; wave to the attendant at the sports-betting window at the end of the hallway; and you’re almost halfway there. For complete directions after this point, download our EZ SPORTS BET 24/7 app and, on the navigation bar, all the way to the right after the BEST PROP BETS OF THE DAY - ACT NOW prompt, click the “more” icon, which will reveal a drop-down menu. The last of the 11 options is “complete directions to the Bet Responsibly booth.” Once you’re there, you’ll find a loving community. Believing in your fellow participants will pay off. Let’s say your friend Frank has a particularly bad hankering to gamble; you can pledge $100 in support of his recovery, voicing your confidence that he can abstain from betting. If Frank makes it six months without placing a bet, your $100 contribution will net you a $1,000 “thank you” payment - a reward for your faith in your buddy. If Frank does place a bet in that time, the Betplex Wagermania Ultimate Palace of Chance Charitable Foundation will keep your $100 and put it toward services to help him. We believe so much in our responsible-gambling campaign that we are reaching out to the next generation of gamblers before they develop harmful habits. We are sponsoring patches on the uniforms of all major American sports teams during camp days, when the stands will be full of children who need to learn that when they gamble later as adults, they must know when to say when. The tastefully designed patches feature “Betplex Wagermania” in massive type, with “bet responsibly” in a font large enough for children with excellent vision to read from the front row. They will tell the other youngsters that they should bet responsibly only, as peer pressure is a crucial force in kids’ lives and 20/20 vision is a quality that correlates strongly with popularity and influence. If your gambling mistakes have decimated your bank accounts and cost you your home, you may doubt that you will ever rebuild your wealth - but we can get you started with high-yield investments in cryptocurrency and NFTs. Once you’ve been cured of your gambling problem - and the world’s leading casino scientists have found that it is common for gambling addicts to be cured in as little as 90 minutes - we will send you back out into our casino to prove that you can wager prudently. To cushion you against any unfortunate missteps as you embark upon a healthier relationship with gambling, we’ll give you a risk-free $100 credit on your first bet. It may sound too good to be true, but your bet really does involve no risk to us.

The Rise and Fall of My Cat, Former Zoom Celebrity: An Oral History

Fri, 07 Jul 2023 15:27:08 +0000

Dr. Greta Jones (principal at PHS): In March 2020, during one of those anxious faculty meetings about how to teach over Zoom, Ms. Turkewitz was so worried about her needy cat being on camera. And I told her, “Don’t fight it! Use it.” Ellie S (student at PHS): We saw a lot of amazing pets that spring. Ms. Fernandez had a labradoodle named Muffin. Sam Miller had a cockatoo named Sir Sings-a-Lot. But Dimitri? He was in a league of his own. Ms. T would be rambling on about Shakespeare or whatever, and his little ears would slowly pop on screen, and we’d know he was about to do something crazy, like knock her laptop clean off the desk. Ms. Turkewitz (Dimitri’s owner/teacher at PHS): Shakespeare? It was a unit on dystopian literature. Dimitri: I didn’t set out to be a star. Sure, when I was a kitten, I’d dreamt of being an Instagram model. But you need a good manager, someone who isn’t satisfied with a few likes and a heart emoji from her dad. So I thought, Okay, it’s not your destiny. Settle down. Kill some mice. Watch some seagulls. But if you’re meant for greatness, greatness will find you. Larissa M (student): What made Dimitri special? Easy. It was the floof. Ms. Franklin (biology teacher): At first I didn’t understand the obsession. The memes. The “joke” nomination for Teacher of the Year. The stories that were like, “Then Dimitri yawned like this.” Or “Oh my god, in second period he got his nail stuck in his scratching post and yowled until Ms. T got up, and we could see that she was wearing Cookie Monster pajama pants.” He kind of sounded like an asshole. But then we had our first Zoom faculty meeting. Stage actors train at Julliard for years and still aren’t able to convey the intensity of emotion that he can express with the flick of a single ear. Dimitri: Pretty soon, the endorsements started rolling in. Chewy was sending me these huge swag boxes. Brand name only. We’re talking FurryFido, SmartyKat, Tuft & Paw. But that’s not what I cared about. Those students were lost. They needed me. And I delivered, with a strategic paw coming in from off screen to swat at the end of Mom’s hair, or a long drawn-out stretch. I won’t say I was their savior. But I will say I saved them. Ms. Turkewitz: It was only supposed to be a fun joke in the first couple weeks of remote learning. I bought Dimitri a little bowtie, printed him a fake school ID. I thought, ‘What’s the harm?’ [Long pause.] And for a while, I was right. Dimitri: I know the gig was supposed to be temporary. Mom thought I was a distraction. She preferred me napping contentedly, playing with Moustache Mouse, gazing out the window, never striving for more. She couldn’t see that maybe my life was bigger than that. Dr. Erica Nuñez (pet psychologist): It can be stressful when the power imbalance in the home shifts so dramatically, when suddenly the pet is outshining the owner. Ms. Turkewitz: Jealous? [Laughs]. Look. Did it sting that I’d be up until midnight planning a lesson on the historical context of 1984, but all the students wanted was for me to angle my computer so they could watch him do something totally unremarkable, like take a sip of water? Did it bother me that Miles Fink, who did not submit a single essay that entire semester, made a series of increasingly complex memes of Dimitri fighting off the paparazzi?? I mean. [Long pause. Tries to unclip her mike.] I’m sorry. Can I have a minute? Larissa M: I think it was in late May that I started to notice that Dimitri would be squinty-eyed and a little wobbly, dragging around his catnip carrot. And I was like, “Woah, Ms. T, shouldn’t you take that away from him? It’s ten a.m.” And she’d have to stop blathering on and on about photosynthesis or mitochondria or whatnot to wrestle it away from him. Dimitri: I loved the work, but sometimes I needed something extra to keep me purring for the cameras. So then Chewy tells me they think my new bad boy image doesn’t “fit with their brand.” But here’s the kicker. Where do you t...

Ridiculous Questions I Have About the New Social Media App Threads

Thu, 06 Jul 2023 18:37:36 +0000

Can you change the name to THREATS? That seems more appropriate for a social media platform. Is this FINALLY a home for my hilarious cat videos? Will this interfere with the signal to Bill Gates from my Covid shot Do I have to buy VR from Facebook to see Zuckerberg smacking Elon Avatar Will it crash like a Tesla on Autopilot to be as close to a Twitter clone as possible? Should I just give you all my personal info or do you already have it? Can we all just agree on one place--I just got the hang of My Space?Is making a thread the same as shooting ropes? Because I’ve been doing that since middle school. Will it be as butt-centric as Instagram? Can it be? Does the profile character limit allow for both “Russia Expert” and “Submarine Expert”? Can you disable the comment feature? On the app, and also on the people on the street who say mean things to me? Is this app a safe space? Just kidding, I already realize that there are no actual safe spaces! Got you! Is this app like OnlyFans? And if not, could you make it more like OnlyFans? Is this a good place to meet other idiots with similarly idiotic ideas and opinions? Can you keep my mom off this one?

Delivery Notifications Ahead of the Teamsters Strike

Thu, 06 Jul 2023 17:12:40 +0000

Notification #1: Order received! You should be receiving your Ikea fridge shortly after it is diligently sorted and transported by several of the NUMBER OF MEMBERS of the Teamsters Union, who are prepared to strike for a fair contract in August. Notification #2: We are Processing your order Notification #3: Estimated Delivery: Sometime Before August 1st If the date changes to after August 1st, cancel the order and change to FedEx or USPS. Otherwise, you may not get the fridge until after the warranty expires. Notification #4: Whoops, your package should have shipped yesterday. Yesterday was Juneteenth, but we don’t have the day off and so 97% of us voted not to work. Since the net income of UPS has shot up by $5 billion since 2018, we think they can afford to take the hit. The same goes for MLK Day. Notification #5: Your package finally arrived at the sorting facility Justin, a third-generation Teamster, is now sorting your package, but he only gets a five-minute break once every four hours, so he might “make a mistake”. And when you deliver 18.7 million packages domestically each day, they can’t all be winners. Notification #6: Your package slept at the sorting facility. Justin miss-sorted your package because all he could think about was how badly he had to pee due to the high consumption of water to beat the heat and only being allowed to use the bathroom for five minutes once every four hours, so he was really being set up for failure. Notification #7: Escaped the warehouse! Good news, your package made it to the van with Dave, but we don’t have air conditioning in our 95,000 vans, and it’s 90 degrees today. So your package is gradually getting heat stroke, just like Dave. Bet you feel stupid for ordering ice cream online to go inside your little fridge. Notification #8: Your package should probably be in transit, may take longer than usual as Dave has to frequently pull over to prevent losing consciousness at the wheel. Notification #9: Out for delivery - hope your Ikea fridge will arrive on schedule, pending the arrival of a fair contract and how quickly we can get Dave into one of the newer vans with A/C, as the 95,000 we currently have will not be retrofitted. Notification #10: Oops, we missed you. Dave will be spending the night in the fridge to protect himself from the heat before trying again tomorrow. We’d like to avoid another incident, as we are already being investigated by OSHA for one heat-related death in Texas. Notification #11: Your package will now be delivered by the local post office, if you can find their local pickup center and manage to get there during the two hours a day they are open. You’ll be seeing this a lot if we don’t get a new contract by August, so good luck getting in at all since there’ll probably be a line out the door. Notification #12: Thank you for choosing UPS while you can. You may pick up the fridge from your front door at your convenience because, unlike Dave and Justin, you can probably afford to work overtime. Notification #13: Please rate your experience. Comments such as, “The Teamsters don’t understand how great the current contract is.” and “Getting paid for overtime in Amazon gift cards was a great move on management’s part during the pandemic.” would be most appreciative. Disclaimer: If you are ordering a prop for a reality show created during the writers’ strike, please fill out all orders before the Teamsters’ own contract expires on August 1st.

Joey Chestnut’s Yelp Review of Nathan’s Famous, Coney Island, July 5

Tue, 04 Jul 2023 15:07:45 +0000

Ugh, has this place gone downhill. I don’t usually write reviews but I just had to let people know about this place, given how horrible my experience was compared to the day before. When I ate here just one day ago – July 4 – this place was full of energy. There were hundreds of people excitedly cheering and shouting. There were TV cameras. A guy announced my arrival over the PA system like I was a UFC champion. They placed an endless buffet of hot dogs in front of me – that’s what I come here for, always – and it was bedlam. But today there was none of that. When I tried to run up to the front of the restaurant, people yelled at me like I was doing something unethical. I actually had to go back and wait in line behind a bunch of other people just to get my hot dogs. Ridiculous. The woman who greeted me at the counter, Luca, said “may I have a name for your order, please?” Really? That’s no way to treat a customer, Luca. I don’t know if you read these reviews, Nathan’s, but this woman deserves to be fired. When I told her to just bring me as many as I could eat, she said I had to order a specific number of hot dogs. Excuse me – Is there some kind of hot dog shortage in America right now? Was it a “bad year” at all the wiener farms? Guess I missed that news story on CNN, LOL. Not only that, but they made me give them money. As in, I couldn’t even eat the dogs until I paid for all of them up front, like some sort of criminal racket. Citibank, I’ll definitely be protesting the Nathan’s Famous charges on my credit card. I decided to buy eight hot dogs. It came out to 45.52, before taxes. I guess that’s not a bad deal, if you think about it. But yesterday they were free. I wish they’d give you a little heads up when they decide to change their pricing structure like that. Because the vibe was so blah compared to the day before, I sat at my table and ate pretty slowly. I must have lost track of the time, because when I finished my dogs I looked at my watch and realized I had been at the table for a minute and 12 seconds. It was creepy how chill it was in there. Instead of hearing thunderously loud chants of “GOOO JOOOEEEYYYY!” I had to listen to the woman sitting next to me tell her friend about how it’s harder to make an appointment with her dermatologist than it was six months ago. TMI, lady, TMI. It was so hard to eat in that atmosphere. Yesterday, there would have been a cute smiling girl standing behind me holding up a sign that said I had eaten 8 hot dogs, but not today. It’s just not the same. They must have had a round of layoffs last night. Normally, I dip my hot dogs into a big bucket of water so that the buns are thoroughly soaked when I eat them. Today, no buckets. I had to buy a bottle of water. A guy saw me pouring my water out all over my second hot dog and he said “there’s mustard over there, you know.” I don’t know where the dude was from, but literally nobody puts mustard on hot dogs in America. It makes it so much harder to eat. Who has time for that, anyway? Normally, when I leave Nathan’s, I’m on a high. My heart is racing. Right after I get back to my hotel I vomit my brains out. I literally wretch uncontrollably several times, sometimes even clogging the toilet or making it overflow. Today, after only eating 8 dogs, I went back to my hotel and just felt gross. Has anybody else had the experience of feeling gross after eating only 8 hot dogs? Nobody in my friend group, for sure. So overall, a terrible experience. I will probably still go back, because the hot dogs are that good. But if you’re going to cut back on all the fanfare and excitement, Nathan’s Famous, maybe offer a side salad. I think that would make me happy. photo by loozrboy

Your Dog's Guide To A Safe And Happy Fourth Of July, by Your Dog

Tue, 04 Jul 2023 15:03:51 +0000

Fireworks, right? Ugh. Who needs ’em? Look, I haven’t forgotten about the incident with the rug last year, and I know that your mate hasn’t allowed you to forget either. No one wants a repeat of that. Whoa, that’s a lot of hot dogs! Way too many for you and your mate to eat, even if other members of your pack are coming over as well. If one or two were to, say, slip out of your hands and fall onto the patio, I’d be sure to make short work of it. No reason for anyone else to know. And look, I feel like you should know. these other members of your pack who come over and sit on my spot on the couch? I hate to be the one to break this to you, but many of them smell like other dogs. I know, I know, right?! Shocking. Sorry that I had to be the one to tell you. And your mate? From the smell of things, she ate a burger the other day without you. Sorry, man I’m here for you if you need me. And did I mention the fireworks? I saw a cat run through the front yard a few minutes ago, and things are sort of a blur now. At any rate, yeah. the fireworks. Much ado about nothing, right? I’m sure that we can all agree that holidays are better without sudden loud noises.

CARTOON: Dessert Defense

Fri, 30 Jun 2023 21:07:58 +0000

News Briefs: Middle Aged Eagle Scout Top Recruitment Pick For Local Area Cults

Fri, 30 Jun 2023 19:09:53 +0000

Please Do Not Show My Child Michelangelo’s David for I Wish to Bang It

Fri, 30 Jun 2023 00:12:42 +0000

“A Florida principal has resigned after students at a Christian charter school in Tallahassee were shown the statue of the biblical figure David by Michelangelo, prompting at least one parent to complain that the children had been exposed to pornography.” To the satan-worshipping, free love snowflake in charge of my child’s so called “Christian” school, It has come to my attention that on Tuesday in Mrs. Morantz’s sixth grade art class my daughter was shown a vile image: Michelangelo’s David. Mrs. Morantz insisted that the statue- crafted by one of the most famous artists of all time and displayed in an art museum- is a work of art. But it is not a work of art at all. It is a lewd, sinful piece of pornography. And I would know, because I desperately want to fuck it. The David is not appropriate content for children as I am uncontrollably attracted to it. Sexually. I want to fuck the rock. I want to fuck it bad. I crave to press my human sized real body up against his seventeen foot tall, six ton one. I want to climb up The David and touch its lips to my lips. I have fantasies of licking his very cold, very long abs. I dream of rubbing my warm loins in ecstasy against his cold, immobile rock ones. I yearn to run my fingers along the pubic hair carved into his flacid rock member. Sometimes The David is all I think about. I can’t even so much as see the letter D without my cheeks flushing. A six pack of beer gets me sweating. I become aroused in kitchens with marble counter tops. And it goes without saying that if we show the sculpture to twelve year olds, they will all feel the same way. Let us turn to another reason the stone is deeply pornographic: its subject matter. Nothing makes me hornier than David and Goliath, except, that is, for a stone depiction of David and Goliath. As we all know, the story of a weaker opponent triumphing over a stronger adversary through courage and faith is a common theme in pornography. I personally find the trope very erotic, and our children surely would too. Beyond the dirty trope, David’s particular situation is especially sexy. I shudder all over thinking about David standing totally still, holding the sling he uses to throw rocks. This overtly lewd image, pulled from the bible, is not appropriate content for our children of God. And to anyone who says that the statue is art- how could it be art if I want to fuck it? When I gaze at The David’s hands and see the veins sculpted there, I don’t think, “how did a man carve into stone with such realism?” I want those hands to choke me. When I see his delicate locks carved out of stone I don’t say, “that hair somehow looks real enough to comb through.” Instead I’m compelled to reach out and pull that hair, as part of a sex thing. When I consider the balance of the sculpture, still standing five centuries later, I don’t whisper, “behold structural engineering of this masterpiece.” No. I think, “I hope humping it wouldn’t knock it over.” A piece that stirs such sinful thoughts could never be considered art. And once our children start having these inappropriate thoughts about The David- where will the inappropriate thoughts stop? If our children’s most sinister sexual desires are teased out of them by The David I fear that the temptations will not end there. While touching themselves, our children will think of The Venus de Milo. In their imaginations, they will undress the Statue of Liberty. They will gaze upon Mt. Rushmore and mentally fill in images of our presidents’ genitals. They will dream of group sexual encounters with terracotta warriors. Instead of rubbing a buddha belly, they will want the buddha belly to rub them. They will stop at nothing to scratch their sick, perverted lust for stone. It’s easy to see how showing our children The David will lead to a dystopian future full of sin and rock sex. When our children are tempted by the devil, they are not tempted by Pornhub. They are not tempted by the bottomless online trough of videos c...

Christmas Song Lyrics that Go Hard to Sell You a New or Preowned Vehicle

Thu, 22 Dec 2022 21:48:36 +0000

“It’s Christmas time, and there’s no need to be afraid.” of this 2001 Ford Taurus! Rated two thumbs-up by both of our mechanics, this beaut would almost certainly pass state inspection if our state had one. But we don’t, whew. Ha ha! “Christmas comes this time each year.” But these truck bargains WON’T LAST. “We need a little Christmas right this very minute,” and you need a rebuilt aftermarket Hyundai Sonata in your driveway ASAP. A giant red velvet bow will cover most of the hail damage. (Bow sold separately.) “O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, much pleasure doth thou bring me!” Now get down to our lot to slap a tree atop thee’s new-to-thou preowned vehicle. “There’ll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago.” Listen, our last good holiday season was pre-pandemic, when Santa brought the Xbox that later died from overuse during e-learning. Black Friday was a bust for the third year in a row. My kid needs orthodontia. Help a family out? “Rockin’ around the.” steering wheel! On TikTok, I’m slashing prices and making sweet dance moves that embarrass my children. “Everyone dancing merrily in the new old fashioned way!” Watch me go live beside your shiny next ride. Made you look! “Baby, it’s cold outside,” and almost all of our vehicles have working heaters. “What’s the sense in hurtin’ my pride?” I am literally begging like a dog. A cute lil puppy. Woof! Take me home from the shelter, by which I mean, ‘Buy a car.’ Chuck, play the Sarah McLachlan Christmas album in the showroom. “Gone away is the blue bird, here to stay is the new bird.” Hi, folks, me again. I’m the new bird. I got this costume at Mascots R Us. The tiger costume fit better, but there aren’t any Christmas songs about tigers, are there? I wish there were. This suit itches and smells like cheese. Anyway, folks, let me tell you the gift that’s exactly the right size: Twelve-month same-as-cash zero interest financing. Cheap cheap cheap! “It’s not Christmas without Grandma/All the family’s dressed in black/And we just can’t help but wonder/Should we open up her gifts/Or send them back?” Just sayin’, if that lady was in a four-door Buick sedan instead of walking home from your house on Christmas Eve, you wouldn’t have to ask this question. I mean, honestly. “And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again.” Right? After months of begging for operable video games AND straight teeth, they drove me—uh, you—crazy. Now it’s time to drive ‘em back to school in your almost-new minivan! Come down today, and I’ll throw in reindeer antlers and a wreath for the grill. “I don’t want a lot for Christmas.” Please just buy a car or three. They make great gifts, and we’ve got those nice bows. (Sold separately.)

I Saw Mommy Kissing the Easter Bunny (But So Did Santa Claus, Unfortunately)

Thu, 22 Dec 2022 21:17:18 +0000

You shouldn’t judge my mother. She was a single mom working a full-time job and raising two small children. Of course, she found it difficult to date men who weren’t put off or intimidated by the fact that she had kids. Perhaps it’s only natural that she gravitated towards quasi-mythical holiday gift-bearing immortal figures like Santa Claus. He wasn’t afraid of children, not in the least. We were the only reason he came around in the first place. That and the cookies. I’m not trying to absolve her entirely for the relationship. It is always wrong to have an affair with a married man. But the bulk of the blame should fall on his doughy shoulders because of the imbalance of power between them. I mean, he was a thousand years older than her. Not only that, he had literal magic powers. He just squeezed down that chimney and swept her off her feet. She giggled and asked him to put her down so she could go sweep all the chimney dust off the floor. How could she resist? One time he took us around the world on a sleigh powered by flying reindeer. The guy mom dated before Santa wouldn’t even take us to Dairy Queen in his Pontiac Sunfire because my sister’s nose happened to be a little bit runny that day. But mom never felt entirely satisfied in that relationship. Santa only came around a handful of times a year: at Christmas, and here and there. I don’t know how he got away even as little as he did. He must have had some elves covering for him up there. It all went south on Easter Sunday 1999. I woke up early. I went into the living room to get a Capri-Sun from the kitchen and looked over to see my mother making out with this seven-foot-tall anthropomorphic rabbit. For my part, I didn’t make a sound. But Santa sure did when he came crashing down our chimney. “How could you, Sheila?” he asked her, dusting himself off, his cheeks even redder than usual. “And with my best friend, too?” The Easter Bunny tended to stutter when he was nervous. “It jus-jus-just sort of happened, Nick.” “I bet,” Santa Claus replied. “And so did this.” Then he decked him. They proceeded to have a fistfight in our living room. Mom ushered me into my sister’s room and told us to stay in there and then she went back and threatened to call the cops. Santa didn’t need another scandal. He was already dealing with some shady Teamsters union dealings up at the North Pole. He left. As he did, he said the same thing he always said as he went back up the chimney but this time it was in a very different tone: “Ho, ho, ho!” Later, mom brought us out into the living room and introduced us to the Easter Bunny. He was holding an ice pack over his left eye. Yeah, Santa got a few good licks in. Mr. Bunny was obviously nervous to meet us. You could tell because he kept dropping pellets everywhere. They actually dated for several years. The Easter Bunny came around a lot more often than Santa ever had. I guess they didn’t need to hide their relationship from anyone, except maybe PETA. He even went to my Little League games. People assumed he was the mascot, which is weird since I played for the Tigers. Santa did not take the breakup with either grace or understanding. Turns out he’s not such a jolly nice fellow. Me and my sister did not get another present from him for the rest of our lives. The Easter Bunny did his best to make up for it but you can only eat so many chocolate eggs before you develop type 2 diabetes. Mom put us on a diet and we were able to get our blood sugar under control so neither of us has to take medication these days. The Easter Bunny really was a good guy, or, more accurately, guy-sized rabbit. But he was jealous of other quasi-mythical holiday gift-bearing immortal figures. Especially the Tooth Fairy, which I thought was strange back then since she was a girl. But I’ve since learned a little more about my mother’s time in college, and he had ample cause for concern. The Tooth Fairy was very attractive, believe me. But she stopped coming around so much...

How to Tell if You’re Lighting the Menorah or Gaslighting the Jewish People

Wed, 21 Dec 2022 19:25:58 +0000

If it’s almost winter and you’ve set up a candelabra with eight (plus one) spots for candles, you must be getting ready to celebrate Hanukkah, by lighting the menorah. If it’s almost winter and you’ve set up a press conference to wish Happy Hanukkah to all who celebrate, while attending a fundraising event hosted by Marjorie Taylor Greene, you’re gaslighting the Jewish people. If you put A Rugrats Chanukah on the TV for the kids so you can count out the right number of candles without interruption, you’re getting ready to light the Menorah. If you claim that the Jews run Hollywood, but say that’s a compliment, you’re gaslighting. If you’re hanging out with Jewish friends around sundown during the week of Hanukkah, and you say something like ‘the history of Jewish suffering is overrated,” you’re both lighting and gaslighting. If you get into a heated debate with your cousin over which candle you’re supposed to light first, you’re getting ready to light the Menorah. If you get into a heated debate with Jewish people about what does and doesn’t constitute anti-Semitism, you’re.say it with us. If you’re turning the pages in a prayer book, looking for the right verse to say over the candles, you’re getting ready to light the Menorah. If you’re tearing pages out of history books so that educators don’t teach about the holocaust, you’re — do we really have to spell it out for you? If you want to “hurry up with the candles already” so you can control all the money in a dreidel game, you’re getting ready to light the Menorah. If you’re in a hurry to laugh at comments like “Jews control all the money in the banks”, you’re — ok, this is getting awkward. If you’re running around town looking for another box of candles because you miscounted how many you actually needed for day seven, you’re getting ready to light the Menorah. If you’re running around saying anti-Semitism isn’t a major issue when there’s been a 34% increase in attacks on Jewish people in the past year — what do you think you’re doing? If you make excuses for why you can’t meet up for eight consecutive nights, then you’re getting ready to light the Menorah. If you make excuses for other people’s bigotry, by trying to justify it with things like “well, it’s just words” you’re — are we at this again? If you post photos of your elaborate blue and white-themed tablescape with #holidaygoals, you’re getting ready to light the Menorah. If you post elaborate solidarity messages when other minority groups are targeted #standuptohate, but remain silent as Jewish people are attacked, you’re — sheesh. You get the point. If you’re pretending you like the blue sweater with a menorah on it your dad gifted you on the fourth night, you’re getting ready to light the Menorah. If you’re a company that is pretending you “didn’t realize” you were selling clothing on your website with a clear swastika graphic, you’re — seriously, this isn’t funny anymore. If you’ve gathered at home with your family to enjoy a nice holiday dinner by candlelight, you’re getting ready to light the Menorah. If you’ve gathered at Mar-A-Lago to dine with two celebrities who have made numerous statements about their hatred of the Jewish people, and then you claim to have not known about any of that, you’re — freaking kidding me, right? If you’re about to take a knife to some potatoes in order to make latkes, you’re getting ready to light the Menorah. If you describe someone wielding a knife yelling anti-Semitic slurs as only “crazy” and not also as “anti-Semitic”, you’re — no comment. If you’re holding a candle and reciting a prayer while lighting the menorah, Happy Hanukkah! If you’re holding a protest outside a synagogue and reciting verses from Mein Kampf, you’re not even gaslighting anymore, you’re just outwardly anti-Semitic.

Mrs. Claus' Dec 24th To Do (While Santa Is Away) List

Tue, 20 Dec 2022 22:33:57 +0000

Hot cocoa and Facetime chat with the Easter Bunny’s wife and the Tooth Fairy’s partner. Hide Santa’s Cialis (find a better hiding place than last year!!). Fertilize Santa’s marijuana crop with more of Rudolph’s magical droppings. That weed gets you sooooooo fucked up! Place Frosty’s magic hat onto life-sized cardboard cut-out of Brad Pitt, hope for the best. Return the Cartel’s phone call, re the possibility of replacing drug mules with drug reindeer. Out with the old, in with the new! Do a full detox cleanse using the tried and true eggnog enema. In accordance with the North Pole’s Green Initiative, fashion old IUDs into Christmas tree ornaments. Hose out Santa’s “Naughty Dungeon”. Deep down, he’s a good man; we all have our vices. Girls’ Night In! Wine, a bubbling hot-tub, and binging episodes of Sex In The Village! Invite a few of the elves’ girlfriends, as you can fit more of them into the hot-tub. Finally order a pizza that isn’t gluten-fucking-free.

Wing Man

Tue, 20 Dec 2022 21:09:12 +0000

Once, to save this guy George Bailey’s life and help this bumbling angel Clarence get his Wings, God allowed George got to see what life would be like if he’d never existed. At the time, I was also an Angel/Second Class (I prefer “Aspiring Angel”) and was unaware we could just do that. Like, poof! “Here’s an entire, immersive Alternate Reality to help save your soul!” OK. Might’ve been nice to know that particular Guardian Angel maneuver was available during my decades wallowing in “Second Classville,” getting mocked daily by a bunch of First Class Angel dickheads, but OK. I guess this Clarence gets to do whatever he wants. Cool. In that Alternate Reality, George and Clarence go to Nick’s Bar where the angry bartender (literally everyone is super pissed in this Non-George-World) overhears Angel Clarence remark of his cash register’s ringing bell: “Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings!” At which point Nick says, “That does it, out you two pixies go, through the door or out the window!” (Folks also seem inexplicably extra homophobic in Non-George-World). Nick then derisively makes the bell ring on his cash register, calling out: “Get me, I’m givin’ out wings!” Funny, right? Well, not to me. Why? Because I’m the angel who got his Wings when Nick rang that bell. After more than a century of trying, I was finally an Angel/First Class.ironically. Yes, my Wings were gained via sarcasm. So technically, I have two glowing, glorious Wings growing out of my back now. But they might as well be two glowing, glorious Asterisks. Walking around Heaven after that wasn’t exactly a “High-Five Canyon” of psyched team-mates. The other Angels/First Class were all, “Hey congrats, Angel Doug!” But they put those little finger air-quotes around “Angel” and patted my wings condescendingly, like I was their pet. Jokes started going around: “How did Angel Doug get his wings? He picked ‘em up in a bar!” Also, I found the Wings physically awkward. I kept getting lodged in doorways and men’s room stalls, and my attempts to fly all looked like epic skateboard fails. I couldn’t take it. Gaining glory in this totally unearned way made me feel like some hillbilly Powerball winner in Kentucky, or worse, a member of The Royal Family. Finally, I went to God’s Office and said, “Hey, I don’t mean to seem ungrateful, but.I can’t get my Wings like this. Can I just.return them until I really earn it?” God smiled patiently. She’s a cool lady. (Yup, God’s a woman; that band Dishwalla was right.) And She goes: “Well, I do work in mysterious ways, Angel Doug.” Wow, I thought, that even sounds sarcastic when She says it. “With all due respect, Ma’am, this happened in an Alternate Reality. It shouldn’t count.” And God goes, “Well, that so-called‘ Alternate Reality’ had a real, profound impact on George Bailey — why not for you, too, Angel Doug?” “OK, please stop calling me that. Look, I was a ‘Maybe’ at best to get into Heaven. I was an asshole on Earth. My whole family were assholes, they owned a plantation, fought on the wrong side of The Civil War. They suck. I suck only slightly less. I only got into Heaven because I died saving that old lady from that runaway horse. And she was gonna die soon anyway.” “Beatrice was the local librarian, everybody loved her! Also, I don’t hold people accountable for their families being assholes, or else this place would be a ghost town.” “Please just un-do these Wings, let me earn them — I was getting so close on my own!” “Not that close.” “Ouch.” “That was a joke!” Her regal brow furrowed. “OK, do you really want to see what life would’ve been like if you hadn’t gotten your Wings in this manner? Well, I’ll show you.” Then, with a wave of Her Mighty Hand, I was back on Earth. Only it was like no Earth I’d ever seen. Fire. Brimstone. Oceans boiling like lava, all Living Things screaming, turning to ash. I tried to scream but I, too, was turning to ash, as all Hope, all Life, vanished forever. And then, Poof! It was over. I ...

A Senator’s Holiday Gift Guide For His Secret Girlfriend

Thu, 15 Dec 2022 19:39:14 +0000

A check for $700. Perfect for diamond earrings, a vacation to The Bahamas, or, coincidentally, an abortion.
A picture of your penis.
Another picture of your penis.
An email with a PDF attachment of a picture of your penis.
A second email with a DropBox link to a picture of your penis in case she missed the last three.
A Cartier love bracelet. She said all her sorority sisters have one.
Finally making an appearance at one of her art shows in a baseball cap and dark sunglasses.
Sex. The worst four minutes of her fucking life.
An UberEats delivery of 27 Clearblue pregnancy tests.
Plausible deniability.
$700 via private venmo transaction. This time for the abortion and nothing else.
A promise that you WILL talk to your wife about getting a divorce. You REALLY mean it this time.
Tickets to Taylor Swift’s The Eras Tour for her and her roommates.
Following her back on Instagram from your official government account.
Breaking it off with your second slightly more secret girlfriend.
A dog. She needs emotional support from somewhere.
A vibrator. She needs an orgasm from literally anywhere.
A DM with a picture of another guy’s much bigger penis. She totally won’t notice.
Ketamine.
An Uber Black.
An NDA.
An email with a PDF of the NDA in case she lost the eight physical copies.
A text reminding her to check her email for the NDA. Plus, another picture of your penis.
Christmas card featuring your wife Kaylee and three children Hunter, Kayleigh, Madison, and the family’s beloved Labrador Retriever, Hunter.
Everything on your daughter’s Christmas list.
A bankwire of $5,000 from a shadow account in the Cayman Islands to keep her mouth shut. Or some nice earrings, a necklace and a vacation to The Bahamas if that’s what it takes to keep her damn mouth shut.
Ending it with yet another secret girlfriend. Swearing on your mother’s life that this is the last of the secret girlfriends. It’s just you and her, baby. And your wife and three adult children and the babysitter of the other two kids from the last marriage.
The Gaslighting Recovery Workbook by Amy Marlow-MaCoy. She asked for it.
Writing your wife, children, and the Labrador Retriever out of your will.
Adding her to your will.
Chlamydia. Doubles as a gift for your wife.
A blubbering, drunk phone call at 3AM on a Tuesday.
Canceling your bid for re-election because you had no choice after the texts and the DM’s and the PDF’s leaked.
A little something from Tiffany’s. The ring is a gag order and Tiffany is the name of your private counsel.
A rock-hard defense.
Limp dick.

Power Ranking The Best and Worst Mall Santa Laps For My Children

Thu, 15 Dec 2022 18:41:54 +0000

Hey, y’all! Jill here back for another “Mommies on the Move” family blog! This blog is a must-read for all of you moms looking to get some ca-ute family holiday photos with Santa this year. Wondering which mall Santa is the best of the best within 20 miles of your wealthy suburb of Milwaukee? Jill’s got you covered! I already sat on all the mall Santa laps to find the best of the best. Here’s this year’s ranking:
#7: Fairwoods Mall: I traveled two hours to do a practice runthrough of this mall Santa because my girlfriend Tina told me the White Barn there had gotten the discontinued candle scents. But let me tell you, I was completely disappointed. Santa’s lap was cold and unwelcoming. He barely cracked a smile in our photo. Does he know my children are on the honor roll? If he saw my bumper sticker, he would know. And that’s something worth smiling about. 2/10 because a smizing Santa doesn’t do it for me. Not on my Christmas card! 2/10
#6: Washington Plaza Mall: Right from the moment I sat on ol St. Nick’s sweaty lap I could smell that something was afoot. I recognized that smell more than anyone, back in the days before I had little elves of my own. Yes, the smell of boozy eggnog straight from Santa’s mouth! Right from him whispering “what would you like for Christmas little lady?” seductively into my ear, I knew this mall Santa wasn’t appropriate for my kids. Besides, my perfect children aren’t allowed to drink the devil’s juice until they’re 56! 3/10
#5: Coal Town Mall: When I sat down on this mall’s Santa lap, I for some reason felt a sense of familiarity. I had a strange feeling that me and this Santa may have crossed paths. And then, out of his fake cotton beard he said “Hey Jill, it’s Doug.” Reader, Doug is my younger brother. I felt disgusted, not because of the almost incest, but that he sunk so low to put himself on display to let random strangers sit on his lap for money! He does not fully embody the spirit of a fat stranger flying down a chimney to give your children a gift. But if you need a time and location for your kids to meet their Uncle Doug, this is the place. 4/10
#4: Harold Park Mall: I didn’t even want to come this year because last year the lines were so crazy. And also because I was escorted out for throwing a tantrum when I wasn’t allowed to take a photo on my phone of the extremely overpriced $15 photo they took. Regardless, Harold Park’s resident Santa had a well-tamed beard, well-cared for sideburns, and his knees didn’t buckle when I sat my thicc, Pilates-toned, bubble butt down on his lap, so you know he could sustain the weight of both my children for the photo. The downside? This mall Santa does hand out gifts, but not all of them fall under our wooden-toy only rule. My advice is be cautious and bring your own family-approved gift ahead of time. 6/10
#3 McKinley Mall: There was something off about this mall Santa but I couldn’t put my finger on it. So I placed my two cheeks on his lifeless lap and from that second I knew: this mall Santa was dead. Yep, a corpse dressed up in a Santa suit. It’s pretty unclear whether he died on the job or they had a hard time filling the role this Christmas season. If you can get past the smell, not a bad lap to plop a kid on as long as you’re ready to finally explain to them that Rover, the family dog didn’t really go to a farm upstate. 7/10
#2: Jefferson City Mall: I’ll admit I haven’t let loose since I met my husband. You wouldn’t recognize me in my single days hanging out in the church lock-in. But when I popped a squat on this mall’s Santa muscly thighs, something unexpected happened. All of a sudden, he whipped out a wad of cash and started making it rain on me. I had no choice but to start throwing my ass in a circle on jolly St. Nick. Sure, it wasn’t the most mom-thing for me to do but plenty of parents covered their kids’ eyes during the whole thing, and I made $10! If you’ve started giving your children an allowance and are wanting to teach them abo...

We At HBOMax Have Decided To Cancel Earth

Wed, 14 Dec 2022 18:50:06 +0000

“HBO Max has reversed course on its comedy series Minx — canceling the show despite an earlier renewal for a second season. [.] Season two had largely finished production before HBO Max scuttled it in the latest of a string of cost-cutting moves.” – The Hollywood Reporter, 12/12/2022
We here at HBOMax have opted not to proceed with the ten thousandth season of Earth, which was previously renewed in January of this year. Production of the latest season, which had just three weeks remaining and was set to include Christmas, Hanukkah and New Year’s, was put to an immediate stop and will not continue as scheduled. Seasons one through nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine will be taken off Netflix, Hulu, HBO Max, Apple TV, Paramount Plus, and the universe.
This was an incredibly difficult decision that we did not come to lightly (before seeing how much money we could save by cutting the entire planet, at which point we were completely cavalier about it). However, we have had to re-evaluate our digital and physical assets as new budgetary concerns have arisen in connection with the recent merger of HBO Max’s parent company Warner Media with Discovery Channel, the Discovery Space Shuttle, and the Large Hadron Collider.
After taking into account our rapidly declining monetary and natural resources, we have decided that maintaining the planet currently known as Earth is unsustainable and no longer worth our efforts.
We here at HBO Max are proud to be home to some of your previously favorite now cancelled programs such as Love Life, Minx, and the first season of Westworld. And like all of our cancelled programs, Earth will be wiped off of all platforms, anything where its existence could be recorded or remembered.
We have enjoyed a good partnership with Earth are working closely to find a new opportunity for the seven billion humans who currently inhabit it, so current, and new viewers, can continue being HBO Max subscribers.
Our investors are thrilled that in an effort to save them a few billion dollars, we are wiping out potentially billions of years of history, culture, and scientific and evolutionary progress. They just wish we had waited until the third season of “Hacks” dropped, but as we say, time is money! And we literally have no more time to waste, so say goodbye to Jean Smart and all of your other favorite humans, because this announcement is humanity’s season finale.
In the midst of this latest cancellation, the creative team behind Earth, God, is excited to announce that he is working on a new project – a brand new season of Gilmore Girls. Look out for that starting whenever society restarts and wherever content is streamed!

Financial Terms, According To My Teenager

Tue, 13 Dec 2022 22:10:45 +0000

Hedging
Annoying yardwork your parents make you do.
Checking Account
Seeing how many likes your Insta post got.
Custodial Account
Daily count of gum wads removed from the bottom of school desks.
Gross Margin
Penis doodles along the edges of your Great Expectations book.
Margin Call
The phone call your parent receives after the teacher spots your Gross Margin.
CD
When your parents force you to listen to Air Supply’s Greatest Hits in the car.
Liquid Assets
Liquor cabinet in Drew’s house.
Clearing House
Taking off from Drew’s party when his parents unexpectedly return.
Liability
Ability to deceive parents. Like, “It was just a sleepover.”
Joint Account
Friends backing up your alibi. Only works if they have Liability.
Withholding
When your parents take away your phone as punishment.
Bonds
Handcuffs you found in your parents’ bedroom drawer when looking for your phone.
GAAP
A clothing store my parents still think is cool.
Bookie
A brownie in the shape of a cookie. Bussin’ tasty.
Compound Interest
When you and your friend like the same person.
Horizontal Integration
Sex.
Vertical Integration
Same thing, against a wall.
Maturity Date
Date with a college girl.
Net Exposure
Flexin’ b-ball trick shots on TikTok to get more followers.
Junk Bond
A lifelong addiction to sugar because your parents forbid it.
Buyout
When you buy all the Skittles at CVS.
Breakout
Four or more zits in a constellation, or one North Star.
COD
Call of Duty.
Asset Swap
When your parents give you 20 bucks for school supplies and you spend it on 12 liters of Mountain Dew hidden under your bed.
Layaway
Sleeping till noon.
Game Theory
Detailed theoretical analysis on the lore of Minecraft’s ancient civilization of Endermen, uncovered through hours of research during study hall.
Futures
All the possible paths you could take in the multiverse other than going to college. For example, Professional Gamer on YouTube.
Absorbed Cost
Costs I don’t see because my parents will pay for everything.

The Secrets Behind Your Favorite Movie SFX

Tue, 13 Dec 2022 21:20:58 +0000

The chest-burster in “Alien” Everybody knows this one, but few know it was totally unscripted. John Hurt had been doing this crazy thing at social events for a while, bursting suddenly into wild convulsions until a little alien popped out of his chest – he’d been kicked out of practically every Wendy’s in the Tri-State area for pulling that shit. The script had simply called for him to burp after a pungent meal, but from the twinkle in his eye that morning, I suspected he might try something wild. And behold, when he let rip with his jerking, shuddering antics, a glistening alien baby was born, cinema history was made, and John became banned from yet another film set.
The rotating head in “The Exorcist” We knew this would be one of the more challenging scenes to film, in which the demonic child spins her snarling head a full 360 degrees around. Linda Blair was one of the most intensely “method” child actors I had ever worked with, and insisted on doing all of her stunts in the movie for real. Her preparations for the role included voice lessons with Randy Savage and an all-satanic diet of devilled eggs, blood orange and polenta. Most notably, she employed an unlicensed physical trainer to rotate her head an extra 15 degrees further around each day. It goes without saying that the finished results were astonishing! Just to think, the only thing that holds us back from swiveling our heads all the way around is a lack of gumption. The untapped secrets of the human body never cease to amaze.
The flying plane of glass in “The Omen” You must remember this bit. Towards the end of the movie, a large pane of glass slides off the back of a speeding truck and shoots at high speed towards David Warner’s character, cleanly decapitating him. It was such a tricky effect to get right. In the script it was originally supposed to be a kettle that clonked him on the noggin, but David kept insisting there was no such thing as a “kettle truck” and called for a better idea. Finally, we relented and replaced it with a sheet of razor-sharp glass. Intent to go on living, David also insisted we employ a stunt double for the decapitation shot. On the day, things went without a hitch and the head came flying right off! It was a terrifying moment but a bona fide slice of movie magic. We never did learn that stunt guy’s name. Rest in peace, whoever you were.
The crippled foot in “Misery” This scene still makes me queasy, just thinking about it. Not only was this horrifying moment not in the script, but Kathy Bates didn’t even know we were filming. All throughout the shoot, James Caan had been playing countless pranks on his co-workers – leaving fart cushions on chairs, stuffing jelly into shoes, hiding crumbled-up crackers in beds – good natured stuff, mostly. But it was a very long production, and one day Kathy just snapped. I just thank my lucky stars we were able to capture her vengeful shenanigans on camera. She never did apologize, and to this very day one of James Caan’s shins is 90 degrees more angular than the other.
The cats in “Cats” Without a doubt, the greatest ordeal of my whole career. They always say to never work with children, animals or Dame Judi Dench, and I wish to God I had listened. We could have simply used special effects to depict the titular felines, but Dame Judi had other ideas. Striving for authenticity, she ate only tuna throughout the shoot, pooped in a box and licked herself clean each morning. More often than not, she would miss the box. At the wrap party she brought everyone a dead bird – luckily, animal control came quickly to take her away. Anarchy reigned supreme on the set. Really, it’s a miracle nobody was killed, although James Corden did maim a stray during rehearsals. Looking back, I should have seen the warning signs – I mean, it’s the only film to be financed entirely by blackmail. On day 431 of shooting, I finally cracked and caught one of the last choppers out of there. I guess I’ll never know if they ever f...

NEW Game of Thrones! Except Instead of the 7 Kingdoms, It’s the 16 Myers-Brigg’s Types

Mon, 12 Dec 2022 07:21:40 +0000

Just in time for your hedonistic orgy of binge-TV at the holidays! With House of the Dragon now on hiatus, the most anticipated return to Westeros is this total reboot — a nod to fans disappointed by the lackluster finish of the original series.
Using the proven science of personality, a “kingdom reorganization plan” reallocates our favorite players into highly productive, autonomous units. Alliances are based on each character’s Jungian temperament, not on antiquated notions of bloodline or geography. A literal game-changer!
The Myers-Briggs framework also serves as a March Madness bracket of sorts. Fans can root for their types, the ruthless ascent of one learning style above all others. Which type will flay, synergize, screw, betray, and time-manage its way to the Iron Throne? Which will be downsized via decapitation? Who will demonstrate flexibility and “bend the knee?”
Reboot Cheat Sheet! Behold the new normal. Everything to know.
House ISTJ
“Charge D’affaires”
Expect respectful exchanges about the best ways to urge everyone to be reasonable, as well as expedient follow-up with executions. Brienne of Tarth, Jorah Mormont, Davos Seaworth, Catelynn Stark
House ISFJ
“The Saints”
For the sake of others, which one will sacrifice the chance to sacrifice himself for the sake of the others? Hodor, Jon Snow, The dragons, Ned Stark, Poderick
House INFJ
“Navel Gazers”
With elite training from the school of hard knocks, this wise crew tests the idea that “knowledge is power.” They’ll pursue principled ambitions come what may, even if parts of themselves must be streamlined in the process. Theon Greyjoy, Missandei (the interpreter), Red Viper
House INTJ
“Free Agents”
These healthy skeptics are lone wolves, not pack animals. With a low tolerance for domestic confinement, expect spirited indifference about who made this mess and who humped their sister. The Direwolves, Jaime Lannister
House ISTP
“The Pragmatists”
Unpretentious; Cool and collected, ready for whatever happens — although may not notice anything has happened. Sansa Stark, The Hound, Gilly
House ISFP
“The Artists”
Whether engaged in blacksmithing, black magic or enchanting sass, these sensitive combatants disarm enemies, often with age-defying hotness. Gendry, Red Woman, Lady Olenna Tyrell
House INFP
“The Idealists”
With a deep desire to achieve inner-order, the Idealist taps into strict personal values to strive toward a better society. Excels at long-term projects. Sam Tarly, Robb Stark, The Night King
House INTP
”The Thinkers”
These thought leaders challenge others to keep up with them, especially the audience. Expect inscrutable tension over who’s in charge of brainstorming sessions. Bran Stark, Lord Varys, Children of the Forest
House ESTP
“The Ultimate Realist”
These gregarious fun-lovers are unconventional and spontaneous. They thrive in dynamic work environments, craving tangible, immediate results. Wildlings, White Walkers, Joffrey Lannister
House ESFP
“The Quip Master”
A performer extraordinaire, this one-man show can cut red tape and juggle projects. Whether inspiring an army of sex workers or a pack of starved dogs, being tuned into others’ emotions yields powerful results. Tyrion Lannister, Ramsay Bolton
House ENFP
“Life of the Party”
This dedicated teammate excels at working within large organizations. This type is “all-in,” whether it means making a passionate last stand or resurrecting a corpse. Grey Worm, The giants, Qyburn (Cersei’s mad scientist)
House ENTP
“Tester of Limits”
A self-contained debate club, this type can be forceful on either side of any argument. These contenders thrive on brinksmanship. The Faceless Man, Bronn, The Mountain, The Night’s Watch
House ESTJ
“The Director”
Expect total commitment — treating every project as a deep dive. Opinionated and uncompromising, these results-getters prize order and structure. Arya Stark, Daenerys Targaryen, The Shame Nun
House ESFJ
“The Provider”
With detail-oriented visions for the future, these cham...

I'm Yukon Cornelius, Aerosmith's Original Front Man

Mon, 12 Dec 2022 07:14:25 +0000

Many have asked how I ended up where I am today—on a frigid mountain slope, nestled in an alpine cabin close to the gold mines of the upper Yukon River. I wasn’t always traipsing these mountains.
Sure, this is how I got my start venturing into the wilds. Of course, most of my admirers know I made it to the North Pole helping my pals Rudolph the ruddy-nostril’d buck and Kirby the orthodontic elf. These days, I spend my time back where it all started. But I haven’t told the entire story.
Being a Gemini, I’ve always been torn between being the center of attention and isolating myself in the stark abandoned wilderness. Truth be told, though I’ve found myself center stage in front of large crowds, my heart has always longed for silence and solitude.
I’m much more comfortable with the rustling of pine needles and the cascading rumbling of an avalanche than an obligatory conversation.
I’ve always been called Yukon. That is my given name. Coincidentally, I did end up in the Yukon, my lust for backcountry and its precious minerals taking over my endeavors as a rock vocalist. I originally hail from Boston, and my first career involves being the original singer for Aerosmith, a few years prior to my imminent departure and Stephen’s arrival.
Joe Perry and the others were high school pals. They caught my solo in the performance choir during the semester assembly and asked me to join their blues-infused rock group. They said they liked my vocal style, but later told me it was the great bushy red beard and tiny raisin eyes that sold them. Yet, I do come from a long history of singers in the fam, and I’ve been blessed with pipes.
But sometimes, a blessing can be a curse.
We played the Boston circuit of restaurants and nightclubs and started to make a name for ourselves. People close to me would say, “Man, you have it all! You’re the lead singer of a kickass band. You can have all the chicks!” To them I’d say yeah right.
I had the talent but not the aptitude. Factor in the drugs, booze, intense social anxiety, lugging the equipment from gig to gig (our roadies sucked), and being paid peanuts—that’s a concoction for having very little time and energy for the fairer sex. I may have mentioned I’m a bit of an introvert. This does not pair well with being the front man of a rock group becoming increasingly popular locally and nationally.
Truth is, I was lonely. On top of gigging night after night, I took computer science classes in college as a fallback in case the pipe dream of rock stardom faded. I longed to have a girlfriend, to have that first intimate relationship my high school buddies bragged about.
When I finally met Sheila, I snapped out of my depressive state. Things were great, until you fast forward two years and the albums, gigs, booze, and drugs take their toll. Once she left me, I longed for escape.
I couldn’t do the band anymore. For one, my beard started getting tangled in the mic stands and cords. It’d get super warm onstage in my down jacket and red beanie. Most of all, it wasn’t who I really was.
Sure, I could put on the mask, the fake persona of denim crotch bulge and raspy melodic high notes, but that’s not what I wanted myself to be—with all those eyes on me, with the pressure of performance and persona. I needed to live up to my true name, not this.
At the time, I read up on the history of the Yukon Gold Rush, and by the final page I’d made up my mind. I’d part ways with Aerosmith, sell my few possessions and journey to the Pacific Northwest, venturing farther north into Canadian territory. On the backburner was to eventually cross the North Pole, to live the most severe and rugged lifestyle I could, all in search of quiet adventure, silver, and gold. Especially quiet.
I’m happy with the way things turned out. I’d never thought I’d make more friends beyond my sled dogs, but Bumble, Rudy, and Kirby are truly my favorite people. I’m back in my Yukon cabin these days, but they can all hop on a sleigh and see me in a matter o...

TRANSCRIPT: The Official Country Crock Podcast w/ guest The Grinch

Tue, 06 Dec 2022 23:16:47 +0000

The Official Country Crock Podcast, which typically limits it’s topics of discussion to their line of buttery spreads, for unknown reasons spent a recent portion of their show interviewing The Grinch. Below is the transcript of that talk.
Country Crock Brock- Grinch! My man! Welcome to the Country Crock Podcast!
The Grinch- Hello there! Thank you for having me on your program.
CCB- Absolutely! Now first of all, I love the new look. Is this a dye job, or was green not your natural fur color in the first place?
TG- That’s correct, it wasn’t. The green color was more or less a reflection of the rebellious period that I was going through at the time. Sort of like my “punk” phase.
CCB- Well, if there’s one thing that I’m familiar with, it’s that the ladies love a bad boy! And they didn’t come any nastier than The Grinch, am I right? Is there currently a Ms. Grinch?
TG- Well, no. Beginning a relationship while in recovery is considered something of a no-no. Also, I was chemically castrated several years ago due to one of my earlier “public outbursts”, so I don’t really have much of an interest in dating.
CCB- Oh, I see. Well, the new color looks great! Would you call that a shade of sandalwood, a creamy beige perhaps?
TG- Er. I suppose.
CCB- And speaking of creamy, keep your holidays festive and delicious with our line of creamy Country Crock products! I’m pretty sure that The Grinch would concur, yes?
TG- I’m not sure what you’re asking?
CCB- That’s okay, let’s just keep going. Now that you’ve turned your life around in a positive way, does the You’re A Mean One, Mister Grinch song hurt your feelings at all?
TG- Well, sure. it stings a bit. It’s a very hateful song. But the citizens of Whoville needed an outlet for their rage, and I understand that. I don’t want to victim-shame. And it is a pretty clever song, if a bit ugly. I have to admit that I don’t understand why they feel the need to play it over and over on the radio during the holidays, though. I just want to be allowed to live my new life. I want to leave all of that behind me now.
CCB- So you’re still on the straight and narrow, following your Christmas conversion several years ago?
TG- Oh, yes. I mean, I backslide every now and then, of course. Last year I threw a bag of garbage through a neighbor’s window on Christmas Eve. Broken glass and spoiled food everywhere. But I came back in the morning and helped them clean up. It doesn’t happen overnight, regardless of what was shown on the televised program detailing the events of my breakthrough.
CCB- Sounds pretty rough.
TG- It’s not easy, I’ll grant you that. Just like they say, one day at a time. Follow the steps. Things tend to get a bit darker around the holidays, of course, but Whoville has an excellent crisis line that’s available 24/7.
CCB- I totally get where you’re coming from. I mean, I don’t even decorate for the holidays anymore. Not even a little tree or something! So if you tried to break into my house to steal all of my Christmas stuff, you’d be out of luck!
TG- Well, as I was saying, I don’t really do that anym.
CCB- Looks like we’re just about out of time for this episode of The Country Crock Podcast! Thanks to our special guest The Grinch, as well as our regular caller Todd, who continues to dazzle us with his various uses for Country Crock’s line of buttery spreads. Who knew that our fine products would be good for soothing chapped nipples?
TG- Oh, is that right?

More Terrifying German Monsters Who are Not Krampus for the Other Holidays

Tue, 06 Dec 2022 22:10:14 +0000

The Krampus, the goat-like German Christmas demon, is responsible for spreading a festive mix of anxious joy and existential terror every year on December 6th when he comes to punish the naughty children. But once the Christmas season is past, who takes over the hallowed task of striking warmth and dread into the hearts of people, throughout the year?
Valentines Day – der Herzensbrecher (The Heartbreaker)
In Germany, it is recognized that love and fear lie very close together! February 14th is the day that a cursed angel resembling a tortured gargoyle skulks in the shadows, quietly stalking those who don’t yet know that someone has a crush on them. Der Herzensbrecher will appear at the home of the beloved at dusk, assault the windows with stone-tipped arrows, then wail old German folk songs of unrequited love until it receives an offering of drug store chocolates and overpriced carnations, sometimes from neighbors eager to cease its anguished howls. Der Herzensbrecher is thanked in many German wedding speeches for having united the happy couple.
International Women’s Day – Frieda die Frauenversteherin (Frieda the Understander of Women)
A female demon herself, Frieda had to fight hard for emancipation from her captivity in the underworld. Erratic and emotional, she is only allowed her freedom to walk the earth on International Women’s Day, showing up at offices and other places of work to pelt anyone with a uterus with tampons. Stay-at-home mothers or unemployed women are visited in the home and screamed at in Bavarian to “get a job, you’re reversing decades of progress!” Frieda is naturally hairless and considers herself a feminist. In Germany, she is as popular as Hillary Clinton.
Easter – Antichrist-Hase (Antichrist Rabbit)
According to old German lore, the Antichrist-Hase is the devil himself, a shape-shifter that often appears as a harmless bunny, but can also be lurking in the form of a soft, salty pretzel at the local bakery or maybe the jerky neighbor’s BMW in the fifty days between Easter and Pentecost. Any child who can catch the Antichrist-Hase in rabbit form will have the thrill of being granted three wishes in exchange for their eternal soul!Parents rejoice when they find the small pile of sulfuric animal droppings, as the experience of doing ill-advised business with a satanic bunny is thought to be character-building.
Arbor Day – Baumfolter (Tree Torture)
Understood to be the soul of an evil tree that once lived in the Black Forest but was burned down after being accused of witchcraft back in the 1790s, when the Brothers Grimm were still young. Baumfolter’s presence can be felt from dawn until nightfall on Arbor Day by any dog-walkers who allow their pets to relieve themselves on a neighbor’s favorite oak, by woodcutters with rusty axes, and anyone brave enough to light a fire in their functioning fireplace. Anyone desecrating trees on Arbor Day will experience the righteous sting of Baumfolter’s twiggy fingers switching them across the backside.
Father’s Day – Old Jürgen Salzwasser (Old Jürgen Saltwater)
The ghost of an old sailor who made the grave mistake of leaving his family to make his fortune at sea, but ultimately drowned in a storm off the coast near Lubeck. On Father’s Day, Old Jürgen Salzwasser drags his soggy body from door to door, coughing up puddles of haunted bilge water and leaving a bawdy poem warning of the dangers of abandoning home in every father’s boot. Any dad away on a business trip gets the extra warning of a dead mackerel. Good friends with Frieda die Frauenversteherin.
Thanksgiving – Dirk der dankbare (Dirk the Grateful)
An American cousin of Krampus who emigrated with the Pennsylvania Dutch in the 18th century, Dirk der dankbare is a centaur who visits families celebrating the year’s harvest with a communal meal. Dirk reeks of Oktoberfest hops and is known for his merciless but also merry nature! When Dirk raps on the door with his hoof, the entire family must drop their forks and ...

Talkward w/ guest Amy Fusselman

Thu, 01 Dec 2022 23:23:37 +0000

This episode of Talkward welcomes Amy Fusselman, author of the new novel ‘The Means’ which follows the character Shelly Means and her hilarious quest to own a beach house in the Hamptons. Shipping containers, talking dogs, anger management classes, and vision boards make up this very funny book. Follow her @amyfusselman and http://amyfusselman.com

Wine List For The Apocalypse, Courtesy Of Your Olive Garden Sommelier

Thu, 01 Dec 2022 22:51:22 +0000

Hello, and welcome to the Olive Garden! My name is Giovanni, and I’ll be your sommelier for the evening. May I interest you in our delicious selection of wines?
Excellent. Each of our choices tonight was hand-picked to perfectly complement your last day on the face of our ruined, smoldering Earth.
More free breadsticks? Sure, I’ll make sure to tell your server.
Let’s start with our splendid assortment of reds. First, we have our Merlot: soft and medium-bodied, with dark fruit flavors and the smoky undertones of a scorched planet littered with human carrion. You may also detect subtle hints of tree bark and shoe leather, which pairs nicely with chicken, veal, and any meat desperately gnawed from the desiccated corpses of household pets.
Next, we have our Cabernet Sauvignon. This Old World Cab has more of an herbal flavor profile, with hints of black cherry and licorice dancing around the metallic taste of a shotgun barrel in your mouth, your only escape from a lost world devoid of light and hope. If you’ve ever had to sharpen a human femur into a spear to protect yourself against the suffocating terror of nightfall, then this is the wine for you.
Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention our Pinot Noir. It’s a light-bodied red, resplendent with strawberry, raspberry, and blackberry fruit flavors. It goes equally well with fish or cheese, and helps take the edge off the paroxysms of agony as your starving body consumes itself from the inside out.
As for our whites, we have several superb selections. Our most popular choice — and my personal favorite — is our Chardonnay. The oak aging delivers a creamy texture with tinges of butter and vanilla, flavors that hearken back to the days before the End Times, when food was lovingly baked by Mother instead of being stripped from the bones of the fallen.
Our Pinot Grigio? Unfortunately, we’re unable to properly chill it to our satisfaction, mostly due to the lack of refrigeration and basic human sanitation. Without electricity, the closest thing we have to refrigeration is the cold realization that all is lost.
We do, however, have a delightful Sauvignon Blanc that presents the zesty, herbaceous flavor of gooseberry when paired with the encroaching darkness of certain death. Its distinctive taste profile conjures memories of better times, before The Last War and The Food Riots, when The Great Cleansing was just a lofty campaign promise from an unlikely candidate.
And finally, we have a special treat: our signature Sangiovese. It’s a savory, rustic red wine, perfectly balanced, with the earthy tones of a freshly-dug mass grave. Tart cherry and red plum—combined with a distinctive bitterness reflective of how avoidable the collapse of our civilization seems in retrospect—make this a fine accompaniment to your final meal.
All of these choices are available either as a full or half carafe, by the glass, or in a collectible Olive Garden decanter crafted from a human skull.
So, what can I start you off with?
More bread sticks. Right. I’ll go get your server.

We at the Bob Committee Are Here to Diversify Your Company

Wed, 30 Nov 2022 19:52:29 +0000

“The stunning news spread that Bob Iger would return to Disney as CEO, ending the stormy tenure of his successor, Bob Chapek.” –Variety
Finding a replacement CEO can be stressful. For every million dollar salary and annual incentive-based award of $25 million, there are very few candidates who are right for the job. It’s a challenge we at the Bob Committee know well. From Bob I. to Bob C. back to Bob I., we are here to help diversify your company with white men over 60 named Bob.
As a highly sought-after agency, we find the very best CEOs to “fill in” until a more diverse candidate can be found. “Fill in” is code for having the job until retirement, and “diverse” is code for a Bob with a different first letter in his last name. But you didn’t hear that from us! No siree Bob.
Our process is simple and streamlined: we drive out into the Mojave desert and find a post on the side of the road. We look around and yell, “Is anyone else more qualified to take on a million dollar plus salary and lead this powerful corporation’s future?”
If no other qualified candidates step forward, this legally counts as “post”-ing the job. We can then move back into our normal process of going straight to one of our able-Bobied candidates.
And we don’t just offer CEO replacements! Our well-varied departments boast some proud alumni:
Fine Arts Favorites: Bob Fosse, Bob Dylan, Bob Ross, Bob Odenkirk
Political Journalists: Bob Woodward, Bob Schieffer
Game Show Host Division: Bob Barker, Bob Eubanks, Alex “Honorary Bob” Trebek
Fashion Forward-Thinkers: Bob Mackie, The Bob Cut
Can-Do Construction Creatives: Bob The Builder
Can they build the future? Yes they Bob!™
Now, to an outsider, it may seem like we have too narrow of a field of candidates. But you have to understand that over the years we’ve been through a number of qualified Roberts, Robs, and Robbys. One time a woman named Bobbi made it through the application process on a glitch, but we quickly assured her that we needed to “go in a different direction.” The system simply works best when we just stick to Bobs!
We look forward to helping you find your next CEO. Remember that as sure as Bob’s your uncle, he’s also the most powerful member of the board and the top shareholder in your company.

So You Want to Date a Teddy Bear: Ranking Teddy Bears by their Sensibility, Dependability, and F#ckability

Wed, 30 Nov 2022 01:20:24 +0000

Winnie the Pooh
Sensibility:
Pooh is a naive bear with a one-track mind. While pouring out your heart, you notice his head stuck in a honey jar. Further attempts at serious chats prove to be futile.
Dependability:
Despite his absent-mindedness, Pooh generally comes through for the people he loves. Just don’t expect speedy results when assigning him a to-do list.
Fuckability:
Pooh is a thiccc ass bear with plenty of cushion for the pushin’. Though a giving partner, he’s not without his kinks, such as a preference to use honey as a substitute for over-the-counter lubrication.
Snuggle Bear
Sensibility:
The pressures of being a mascot to one of the most popular fabric softener brands of all time has driven Snuggle Bear to a perpetual state of apprehensiveness. When attempting to divulge the details of your day, he’s quick to deliver a snarky remark that undermines your struggle. “Well, it could be worse. You could be Snuggle-fucking-Bear and have the WEIGHT OF THE WORLD on your shoulders.”
Dependability:
If you need help fighting wrinkles, reducing static, and adding a soft touch and fresh scent to your laundry, Snuggle Bear is the boo for you. If only every aspect of life revolved around the washing machine.
Fuckability:
Sadly, Snuggle Bear’s tense personality finds its way into the bedroom. Expect erratic humping and awkward grunting noises during sex. Don’t worry; it’s usually over within sixty seconds.
Tenderheart Bear (From Care Bears)
Sensibility:
It’s undeniable that Tenderheart is a great listener. Whatever personal crisis you’re experiencing, he will be there for you with an open mind, positive reinforcement, and hugs. So.Many.Hugs. This act of tenderness will likely test your patience by the first hour of the relationship. Be prepared to establish boundaries before the situation becomesunbearable.
Dependability:
Devoted to the point of concern, Tenderheart will do anything for love except respect your boundaries. His possessive need to control your well-being will leave you feeling suffocated. If you ask him to lay off the caring, don’t be surprised when he takes it personally.
Fuckability:
Tenderheart packs a wallop in the sack. There’s only one issue: he can’t decipher sex cues. Just as you’re about to climax, he steps off the gas and inquires if he has your consent. “Are you okay? Was that a good moan or a bad moan? Maybe we should call the whole thing off and hug it out.” You assure him it’s okay to continue for the hundredth time. Alas, the cycle continues.
Teddy Ruxpin
Sensibility:
Teddy Ruxpin is a self-centered, egotistical maniac. Regardless of what topic you bring to the table, he will find a way to make the conversation about himself. “Sorry you’re feeling disorientated, babe. Have I ever told you about the time I got lost in Boggley Woods with my friends Grubby and Newton Gimmick?”
Dependability:
You can’t count on Ruxpin to do much of anything. He’s far too preoccupied with his adventures, the likes of which you’re not allowed to join.
Fuckability:
Sex with Ruxpin is relatively painless, so long as you keep your eyes closed. Failure to do so will result in a chilling glimpse of his unchanging o-face. Try as you might, you will not be able to unsee his lifeless eyes bulging out of their sockets or his mouth agape with child-like wonder.
Corduroy
Sensibility:
Aside from finding his missing buttons, Corduroy wishes to establish meaningful connections. You’ll discover he’s receptive to transparent discussions, offering sage advice and a soft shoulder to lean on when the chips are down. A potential drawback is that Corduroy is extremely hard on himself. His self-deprecating “woe is me” narrative will likely grow tiresome.
Dependability:
Corduroy has a good heart, but his life is in constant disarray. It seems he’s always trying to pick up his missing pieces and sew them back together. Stability is not his strongest suit.
Fuckability:
As long as he’s in good spirits, sex with Corduroy is pleasant. However, beca...

What I Assume the Ancient Romans Did for Exercise

Wed, 30 Nov 2022 00:34:16 +0000

We know a fair amount about Ancient Rome based on written records and archeological discoveries. However, there’s little to no information regarding the fitness industry during this time. As an avid Wikipedia enthusiast who gets the occasional lift in, I decided to take it upon myself to fill this gaping hole in the written record, based on context clues and what can be best described as amateurish guesswork. Here’s how I believe Ancient Romans stayed in shape:
Stabbing Caesar. This was huge in Ancient Rome. Well, if truth be told, Brutus was the only person to actually stab Caesar, but he kick-started a major stabbing fad that persisted into the next millennia. It was basically the Tae Bo of its time (if Billy Blanks also murdered a world leader, that is).
An offshoot of stabbing, patricide was also something the Ancient Romans did a lot, I’m pretty sure. I mean, it just seems like something they would’ve been into, vibe-wise. It was a killer arm workout, with the added benefit of usurping familial power from your unsuspecting father. Simultaneously a great way to get your heart rate up, while bringing your father’s all the way down.
Sculpting, sculpting, sculpting! All the hotties were sculpting in 800 BC, and getting sculpted in the process. They were body-builders in the most literal sense, and I’m honestly confused about what exactly was getting carved – the marble rock or their rock-hard abs.
Peloton was huge back then, too, and gave most Roman citizens a solid cardio workout at a moment’s notice. (Obviously Peloton, the at-home workout company, didn’t exist back then. I’m referring to a man named Peloton that would chase after innocent families traveling along the border of the city. They got their steps in, to say the least.)
Based on a quick skim and loose interpretation of the Roman Empire’s Wikipedia page, chariot-centric exercise was a big thing. Basically, everyone was either dodging runaway chariots or chasing runaway chariots. It was a nice, dynamic way to stay in shape or (don’t quote me on this) get mutilated and die.
Keeping track of the time was also super hands-on in Ancient Rome. Making the sundial, monitoring the sundial, walking to look at the sundial, reading the sundial, telling people what the sundial said – it was all very full-body, and an active lifestyle choice for many citizens of the Eternal City.
Let me be the first to tell you: all the gym bros were gladiating in those days. The Colosseum was essentially a giant Planet Fitness. It’s actually where the “Lunk Alarm” was first invented. Someone please fact check me on that.
In general, fighting to the death was a great way to stay in shape. Not dying was so good for your mental and emotional health. Almost dying was very bad. You walk a thin line with death-fighting. But that’s why recovery was invented! Stretching, amputation, et cetera.
Okay, so, believe it or not, before calendars were invented in 738 BC, every day was leg day! It was a living hell, but their quads were unbelievable. Plus, their short memories kept Rome grinding (and also in a constant state of war and panic). You know the phrase, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do”? Well, in those days, that was barbell split squats, compulsively.
Watching Rome burn was kind of the “hot yoga” of its day – Nero loved this one. Citizens of Rome definitely worked up a sweat trying to avoid being flamed to death. This was a short-lived fad, as stabbing regained its popularity not long after.
Carrying your crucifix worked miracles for your core. The only catch was you’d probably suffer an excruciating death right after, but at least you’d be shredded when you did.
In terms of working the lats, painting the Sistine Chapel was all the rage – if you were Michelangelo, that is. For everyone else, it was looking at the Sistine Chapel. I’m 40 percent sure this was Ancient Rome.
Bartering. Oh, you think this wasn’t a workout? You try walking from village to village trying to convince some tattered lit...

Black Magic Friday's Best Deals, Steals & Spells!!!

Fri, 25 Nov 2022 20:44:52 +0000

Sell your soul before 12/31/22 and receive a free glow-in-the-dark Mariah Carey fanny pack.
Vial of sacrificial virgin’s tears from an actual cute virgin, and not from someone who just couldn’t get laid.
All demon-conjuring kits include a free smoke detector.
All inverted cross actually prepared as inverted, and not just normal crosses that we turned upside down.
Buy one get one free electronic air-fresheners specifically designed to eliminate the aroma of sulfur and seared flesh.
Purchase more than three slices of the Antichrist’s umbilical cord and receive a free limited edition display case and free $50 AMC theatre gift card.
Free quart of goat / human hybrid blood with any pentagram stenciling kit.
Buy more than one jar of fingernails clipped from a witch’s hand just prior to being burnt at the stake, and receive a free 2023 Six Flags season pass.
Buy any human-sacrifice kit and received a $25 gift card for any carpet cleaning service.
Contribute $75 to the 2024 Trump campaign for only $15!!

9 Classic Cocktails for Dreaded Family Gatherings

Thu, 24 Nov 2022 07:45:07 +0000

Old Fashioned Passive Aggressive Barb
Served by your mother-in-law, this multi-layered concoction includes everything from your parenting choices to the fact you use avocado based mayonnaise and returned a shower gift nine years ago. Top with a maraschino cherry, unless that’s “not organic” enough for you.
Whiskey Sour Grapes
Add one shot of Jim Beam and three and a half decades of resentment over that scholarship, along with Dad’s matching gift, that went to your entitled, solipsistic half-brother. Serve it directly in his face.
Dark n’ Stormy II
For the teens at your gathering! Two parts angst and one part hormonal rage with optional eye roll. Mixed for your high school twins, now at the adult’s table, not of drinking age but spectacularly intoxicated on self-absorption.
Long Island Iced Tease
The beverage of choice for your promiscuous cousins from the wrong side of the Hamptons. Mix one part everything in the liquor cabinet with a dash of superiority and a twist of fate it wasn’t you born there. Serve on the rocks of Montauk, because they’ve never been there.
Hot Toddy & Horny Sheila
For the neighbors who came over because they “lost power” and are now recruiting for a threesome at your holiday meal. Mix one part vermouth with a dash of bitters and middle age ennui.
Mort’s Mai Tai
How Uncle Mortimer refers to his own neckwear, a long-standing joke that was never funny and refuses to die despite the entire family’s best efforts. Chase with a roofie to silence the suffering pun once and for all.
Double Bloody Mary
A harmonious blend of liquid Vicodin and ibuprofen, it’s what you served your 13-year-old daughter after she got her period on your grandparent’s chintz couch on Thanksgiving and had to sit there for six hours insisting she was “too full to get up” until everyone went home. Garnish with shame and feminine resignation.
The Petersen’s Pina Colada
Four your aunt and uncle who attempted simultaneous affairs by answering personal ads in an honest to God newspaper but ended up at O’Malleys followed by making love in the dunes of the Cape after getting caught in the rain.
The Shot of Honest Feedback
Remember, you asked for it. Seemed like a good idea at the time but days later, you still want to crawl into a hole. Lacerating blend of mezcal and decades old stuff from your spouse’s emotional baggage.

"Don't Smile Until Thanksgiving" and Other Tips for New Teachers

Wed, 23 Nov 2022 18:12:30 +0000

Don’t smile until Thanksgiving:
To earn your kindergarten students’ respect, start the year off strict and smile-free. Your students might test your anti-smiling resolve prior to Thanksgiving by saying cute things like, “You’re my best fwend” or “I wuv you.” Do not break. If students catch you smiling before Thanksgiving, they will probably assume you are a professional clown. Making serious faces is the only way to maintain any semblance of control over your class. If you are afflicted with Resting Smiley Face, teaching kindergarten may not be right for you.
Don’t laugh until Christmas:
Ensuring that your 5-year-olds are college and career ready depends on classroom management. Students tend to interpret laughter as encouragement to be even sillier, which will leave no time to learn the colors of the rainbow or how to share. This tip will likely be difficult to follow due to your students’ plethora of giggle-inducing knock-knock jokes. Remain stoic and initiate your own joke:
“Knock-knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Your teacher, NOT laughing.”
Don’t sleep at home until Pajama Day:
Students have long hypothesized that teachers live in the school building. If you are truly committed to preparing your 5-year-old students to learn the scientific method, then you must leave a solid trail of evidence that you do, in fact, live in the building. Pillows, sleep masks, and some dental floss will suffice. If you care about your students’ futures in STEM, then you must maintain the ruse. If you slip and reveal your double life, you will ruin any chances that your students will focus on their phonics.
Don’t admit you have a first name until the 100th Day of School:
Let’s say it’s the 99th day of school and a fellow teacher pokes her head into your room to say, “Let’s touch base during prep time about tomorrow’s jelly bean counting station, Doris.” Your students exclaim, “Wait.who’s Doris? Isn’t your first name ‘Miss’?” In this scenario, you must gasp and pretend to faint on the colorful classroom rug. Once you have opened your eyes and taken a sip from an apple juice box, you’ll have no choice but to whisper, “Doris was my secret spy name. That’s right; I used to be a professional spy for the jelly bean companies.” Your students will be so shocked, impressed, and/or confused that they will be speechless. Along with not smiling, laughing, or leaving the school building, occasional fainting is necessary for orderly instruction.
Don’t pee until the spring Scholastic Book Fair:
If kids know you pee, they’ll know you drink water, and if they know you drink water, they’ll figure out you’re human, and if they figure out you’re human..well, that’s too slippery of a slope to consider. Avoid the potential for chaos. As the Nike slogan should go, Just Hold It. Wait until the spring Scholastic Book Fair, when your students will be too mesmerized by the giant rolling shelves of stories and stuffies to notice you tiptoe to the one working staff bathroom on the third floor. If a student catches you sneaking out the door, quickly distract them with the latest Elephant and Piggie book.
Don’t eat until Kindergarten Commencement:
Kids don’t respect those who need nourishment to survive. Have you ever heard a former child reflect on their early education by saying, “Oh, I loved Mrs. So-and-so. She consumed Activia yogurt frequently.” No? There’s a reason for that, and it’s that competent teachers do not consume yogurt or eat anything at all. Other things that competent teachers do not do are sit, sneeze, swallow, nod, blink, or breathe. Instead, save these activities for the summer.
Do make fart jokes all year long:
Kids do respect the hell out of those.

Get Ready for the Biggest International Party Where None of Your Favorite Ways to Celebrate Are Legal

Tue, 22 Nov 2022 20:00:17 +0000

According to Qatar’s legal code, freedom of expression is restricted, homosexuality is illegal and sex outside marriage is outlawed. Public drunkenness can incur a prison sentence of up to six months and some things considered benign elsewhere, like public displays of affection or wearing revealing clothes, can be grounds for arrest.
Hello football lovers and partygoers from all over the world! We’re so excited to welcome you to Qatar for the 2022 FIFA World Cup, the biggest party on the planet. Who’s ready to cheer their hearts out?! Woooo! But not so loud please. Public displays of fun will definitely land you in a jail cell, as will the many other ways you typically like to party.
It’s said that the World Cup is a celebration of football that brings the world closer together in a festive atmosphere, and trust us you’ve never partied in an environment like this before!
Two decades ago, Japan and South Korea gave the international football community a taste of Asia, and then Germany devised the universally-acclaimed Fan Fest, but for the first World Cup ever to be held in the Middle East, we’re putting our own cultural spin on the format: we’re adding rules. So many it’d make the NFL blush.
To start with, unlike your favorite superstars on the field, you will not be invited to openly express your individuality in front of thousands of people, or even emulate their wardrobe by dressing in fun, colorful shorts in public. In fact, all short-related choices (skirts, shirts, short expressions of intimacy between men and women, men and men and women and women) are most unwelcome at this particular party, but they will score you an invitation to a jumping afterparty in one of our private jails.
Also, it should go without saying that if we haven’t mentioned your gender identity in our official press releases yet, it’s almost certainly because we don’t understand or recognize who you identify as, and usually when we don’t understand something, you guessed it, straight to jail!
Any more party fouls to be aware of? Sure are, and this is a big one: sport and politics. They just don’t mix! Take penalties – remember those heart-stopping shootouts from past tournaments? Aren’t they a rollercoaster of fun? But, do you know what is a much less enjoyable kind of penalty? Getting arrested for writing about labor rights issues and inhumane working conditions in our stadiums, because when it comes to punishing loose talk, we’re tighter than the infamous World Cup group of death.
But don’t for a second think that our slew of public-decency laws and punitive penal system means we don’t know how to show sensation-seekers a good time. We are also an almost-completely dry country!
Naturally, many of the millions of passionate revelers who will soon converge on our cities will be hunting for entertainment, and take it from us, nothing lubricates the senses like our celebrated Teetotalism Center. Inside, visitors can learn about the long and rich history of prohibition in the Middle East thanks to a special exhibition from Budweiser, the official beer of the FIFA World Cup. Carousers accustomed to bar hours and looking to scratch their liquor (history) itch need not panic. The center’s closing time will be extended late into the night!
Of course, we understand abstinence isn’t for everyone. So if you truly are a spectator who finds it difficult to enjoy sport without temporary cognitive impairment, you can head to one of our special fan zones. There you can fill up on some reasonably-priced ethanol in front of the 50-tonne fire-breathing spider we have ostensibly hired for no other reason than to rile you up in a place where public drunkenness is punishable by hefty fines and, yep, that’s right, a return ticket to our booming jail scene!
We are so proud and grateful that our wonderfully compact country that is not quite the size of Connecticut has been selected to host the biggest international jamboree in sport, and there was certainly nothing funny...

The Final Diary Entries From the Turkey That The President Did Not Pardon

Tue, 22 Nov 2022 19:15:17 +0000

4:02am
Sunlight is hours away yet I am wide awake. Today is Thanksgiving Eve and my Death Day, and I can not sleep. Within 36 hours I will be on the president’s plate, baked.
6:51am
The sun rises. It’s as good a time as any to get my affairs in order. I have a nest and three berries to my name, and I will give them all to my wife, Turesa.
7:56am
I made a final plea to the United States Supreme Court to see if there was anything they could do to save me. No luck, the ruling to kill me was 6-3 with Justice Clarence Thomas writing the majority opinion that I looked too juicy to be kept alive. They should really reform the court.
8:00am
Watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade was always a tradition in my family. But this year, it feels a little different. It’s awful, seeing our species completely hollowed out and blown up 100x our normal size, being paraded around by a group of freezing volunteers. I don’t know how I didn’t see the horror of it before. And you know the worst part? The enthusiasm of Al Roker about the whole thing.
12:30pm
In the 5 years Turesa and I were together, we reproduced three gorgeous poults: Turner, Turell, and Steve. Today I said my final goodbye to them all. It was nice to have a few last gobbles with them, even though they asked who gets my fine China when I die. In my last father-sons talk, I had them cock fight to see who would receive the fine China inheritance. Steve won.
1:06pm
I gobble-bartered with the holding pen attendant to let Turesa have one more conjugal visit with me. Let’s just say I made her squawk. I told her how much I loved her. I also told her to find another mate, one that would be able to give them the birds and the bees talk correctly. I had tried so many times, but always mixed up the ball bag between the legs and the ball bag on the neck.
3:42pm
Just as I begin to feel at peace with my impending death, I think about the turkey that the president is pardoning tomorrow. It isn’t fair. I don’t even know who it is yet, but it isn’t fair. If it’s Marvin and his ball sack-looking ass neck I’m gonna scream.
3:48pm
Or is it me?? Am I the turkey that’s being pardoned??? Is this all a big set up and I’m being Punk’d???
4:21pm
I paid off the holding pen attendant to tell me who the pardoned turkey is and it’s Marvin! I can’t believe his saggy nutsack throat is going to be on national television. He knows I’ve always dreamed of Hollywood too. Meanwhile I’ll be plated with stuffing up my ass by the time of his TV debut.
5:13pm
Is Marvin actually better off than me? How special is being pardoned anyway? So what, the President tells him “have a nice life.” It’s ME who’s going to be INSIDE the White House! Sitting with the President!
5:23pm
Scratch that last entry, I think I was in my denial phase.
6:34pm
Father Squawk came by to hear my last confession. I didn’t grow up a religious turkey, but decided to become a born-again turkey once the decision was made to murder me a few hours ago. Father Squawk baptized me in the water trough. In my last confession, I confessed that I once cheated on Turesa with her sister Turbitha. I feel a lot better now, like there’s a weight off my shoulders. After that, me and Father Squawk gobbled about what turkey heaven was like and my impact on the world.
7:02pm
Finally, time for my last meal. If this was going to be my last meal on Earth, I was going to go crazy with it. So I went overboard and asked for a huge platter of grass, leaves, and acorns. Sounds like the perfect Thanksgiving Eve meal to me!
7:09pm
God, my tum tum hurts. I ate way too fast. I just wish that there was a TV in here so I could watch the game while the women of my nest clean everything up.
7:11pm
Would it be bad to take a little nap during my last hours of life? I would stay awake but I’m really sleepy from the big meal.
8:15pm
Shit! I dosed off. God that was a great nap though. I wonder what time I wi—–
8:30pm (but dead)
I see a light. It’s Turbitha. I didn’t know that she had been...

CARTOON: Tethered Traditions

Fri, 18 Nov 2022 20:00:21 +0000

Our Family Faces Many Challenges Inside This Closed Garage

Fri, 18 Nov 2022 18:26:17 +0000

Thank you all for joining me in our family’s idling minivan for what I hope will be a fruitful and mutually-respectful discussion of the many challenges we are currently facing here inside our closed garage.
First, as you all know, I’ve recently lost my job. That’s put a strain on the family budget. Second — your mother — my wife — has admitted to an affair with her meditation guru. She’ll be filling you all in on that situation and proposing a path forward. In addition, we’ve found drugs in Beth’s room, Denise is getting straight C-minuses, and Daniel refuses to pick up his Legos. Finally, the exhaust from our minivan is rapidly filling this closed garage with carbon monoxide, a deadly gas. So there’s a lot on our collective plate.
I’d like to begin with the situation regarding my job. Clearly the sudden loss of income is having a major impact on our ability to.. Yes, Denise?
OK, honey, we get it. You’re saying that the issue of the rising CO1 levels in our closed garage is very important to you. And we appreciate that you’re passionate about it. Try to remember that everyone in this minivan has issues that we care about and think are very important. They can’t all be first, so let’s take them one at a time, OK, sweet pea? Good.
Now, getting back to my unfortunate lapse in employment.. OK, well, I don’t know why saying “fired” would alter the situation in any meaningful way, other than to humiliate me in front of the children. Well maybe we’d be in better shape financially if certain people weren’t spending our money on secret hotel rooms for their beatnik lover! Furthermore.Yes, Denise?
Again, sweetie, I promise you that we are getting to that. We all agree that carbon monoxide is real and caused by engine exhaust. That’s settled science. What I’m saying is that the issue of toxic gas buildup in the garage is not what’s topping people’s agendas right this very minute. We have a major drug problem in this minivan, the budget is busted, and your mother and I could very well be headed for divorce. I think those are also important priorities, don’t you?
Now where were we? Oh, yes. Maybe if you weren’t out playing tonsil-hockey with Doug you would have noticed the prescription bottles littering Beth’s junkie den that..well, I wouldn’t have gone in your room if the stench from the unscooped cat litter.what is it, Denise?!
Oh, well I guess you know everything then! Maybe you haven’t considered the fact that everyone in this minivan is relying on a running gas engine for our air conditioning and interior lights; your brother is halfway through Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2 on the built-in video screen; and your mother is charging her phone, which is currently at three percent and who knows when she might receive a very important text that I’m sure we’d all be delighted for her to share with the whole van!
Frankly, Denise, the rest of us in this minivan have had just about enough of your sanctimonious rhetoric and catastrophizing. It turns people off and makes them not want to listen, because what’s the point? We’re all doomed! Woe is me! Nor has it escaped my attention that all this time we’re spending arguing about who is or isn’t crazy for sitting in a running minivan inside a closed garage is time we’re not spending talking about your last report card!
No, I’m not saying that carbon monoxide poisoning isn’t important. I’m only saying that grades are important too, and if you want to avoid summer school, you might spend a little less time focusing on “saving the family” and a little more time on your studies. Maybe if you work hard and bring your grades up you can get into a good college and study science and then find a solution to the problem of families sitting in running minivans inside closed garages. You kids are the future! What?
OK, well, there are any number of possible reasons why your brother is unconscious. To pin any single event on something as complex and dynamic as the atmosphere inside this closed garage ...

New Proposed National Holidays

Thu, 17 Nov 2022 22:32:00 +0000

It seems like every other day you open up your feed and there is another national something day. National Pizza Day, National Couples Day, National Restless Leg Syndrome Awareness Day. But there are some other very important days that we must add to our society.
National Procrastination Day
Right now planning to have January 14th but might move it to February 21st, just a lot going on right now.
National No New TV Shows or Movies Week
I think we can all use a week where no new TV shows or movies are released, the list of things I have told my coworkers I will watch is already at full capacity and cannot sustain anymore must see hit shows that I just have to watch.
National Co-Dependence Day
Would love to do it on March 4th but I would only if you are free that day.
National “The Proposal” Day
On July 12th, everybody in America will watch the hit romantic 2009 Romantic comedy “The Proposal” starring America’s sweetheart Sandra Bullock and the lovable scamp Ryan Reynolds, banks and schools will be closed on this day until we figure out if the two mismatched leads end up together in the end.
Chris Columbus Day
We need a day to celebrate the triumph and glory that is Chris Columbus, director of hit films such as Home Alone and Mrs. Doubtfire. He also directed the first Harry Potter! Can’t think of a better way to pay tribute to the hero of Chris Columbus despite directing the movie Pixels, the biggest atrocity committed by someone named Columbus.
National Explain Cricket To Me Day
I feel like we could all use a day to understand what the hell is going on with Cricket? Why do the games last three days? Why do they dress like divorced dads? What the fuck is a wicket? Find out on September 3rd!
National Premature Assumption Day
I bet you’d want this one on August 8th right? Right? Let’s just do it then, already booked it
National Ambiguity Day
What will this be about? A little of this, a little of that. It will be about everything but also about nothing. It will be sometime during the year.
National Amelia Earhart Day
A day where we can all just disappear and not have to do anything, a great tribute! Everyone could use a break
National Alliteration Day
A divine day in December decked with decadence and delicious desserts. With touching tributes to James Joyce, Lucy Liu, Charlie Chaplin and Pre Anti-Vax Emilio Estevez.
National Greg From Accounting Apologizes To Me for Stealing My Clearly Labeled Lunch from the Break Room Fridge Day
It’s time to atone Greg.

Twitter.com's Exchanges & Returns

Tue, 15 Nov 2022 23:43:19 +0000

What to Know Before You Buy
We here at Twitter.com want you to be satisfied with your investment. Before you publicly announce your intention to purchase this long standing social media site please be sure of the following:
Log onto Twitter and ask yourself, “Do I want this?” I mean it. Open Twitter and actually say out loud, “Do I want to be the owner of this nightmare?”
Go to a group of 10th graders and talk to them about string theory. Did that satisfy a craving for you?
Oh, did you already tweet about it? Okay, looks like this is happening. Are you sure you don’t want to sleep it over? No? Okay.
How To Enjoy Your Purchase
We believe that purchasers should have the right to play with their gizmos in any way they seem fit. That’s why with your purchase of Twitter.com you have agreed to be the face of any and all public frustration, FTC investigations, and financial catastrophes.
You can now take this time to do everything your heart desires. Order that new sink sitting in your shopping cart. Implement that much needed edit button. Hell, even fire the entire executive board leaving you with unencumbered power.
If, for any reason, you suddenly wake up to swaths of users engaging in school-yard like behavior making fun of your ever changing hairline or your Saturday Night Live appearance, you may be asking yourself, “What did I do to deserve this?”
As the new CEO of Twitter you don’t have to listen to anybody. Go to Joshua Tree and spend a week doing one of those silent retreat excursions. Take solace in the fact that Twitter.com has a team of dedicated employees working around the clock to— oh, did you just fire 50% of Twitter’s workforce? Are you sure you don’t want to regroup before you do something this rash? No? Okay.
Troubleshooting
If you’re experiencing issues such as activist groups pressuring advertisers to pause spending, public figures expressing their disapproval, or internet trolls not explicitly stating their posts are parodies, here are some ways to troubleshoot:
Turn off your computer.
Get some fresh air.
Realize that the ship is sinking due to short sighted judgements and the only way out is to
Oh, did you just tweet back at Stephen King attempting to claw back some of your dignity? Are you now starting to have second thoughts?
Returns and Exchanges
We here at Twitter.com have made it much easier for buyers to return the website to its original owner. Twitter.com MUST be returned in a like-new condition. If the social media site appears to be damaged in any way the return may be denied. This includes any of the following:
The creation of a hack-y monthly subscription model.
Legalizing comedy.
Penalizing comedy.
Responding to random users named @nutbuster67 attempting to sway his opinion on any one of your hip, cool new ideas.
Sadly, if any one of the above have already taken place, then the return will be void. If that is the case, then there’s nothing left to do but hunker down and figure out solutions— oh, did you just file for bankruptcy?

Fight Or Flight Or Flex

Tue, 15 Nov 2022 21:34:03 +0000

You’re walking along and you see a house engulfed in flames.
Fight: You immediately run into the house and rescue the family trapped inside.
Flight: You get out of the way, giving firefighters space to rescue the family trapped inside.
Flex: You rip your shirt off and flex really hard at the house fire with the family trapped inside.
The police are chasing an assailant down the street towards you.
Fight: You block the assailant’s path allowing the officer’s to catch up and tackle him.
Flight: You stay out of the way and watch your tax dollars at work from a safe distance.
Flex: You rip your shirt off and flex with all your might but no one really notices since they’re busy with the police chase.
You’re driving along and your car is rear ended.
Fight: You flag down the driver responsible and exchange insurance information.
Flight: You pull over to the side of the road, close your eyes, and put your hands over your ears.
Flex: You rip your shirt off and flex your full body toward the other driver who takes a picture to document the accident and so he can show his trainer the goal body he wants.
A robber shoots a bullet at your head.
Fight: You quickly duck out of the way and run for cover.
Flight: You die.
Flex: You flex at the bullet coming towards you and then die, traumatizing the robber with a bizarre mental image of your shredded figure forever.
You wake up to discover you’ve been buried alive.
Fight: You attempt to move around and shout for help but after a valiant effort you suffocate and die.
Flight: You quickly suffocate and die.
Flex: Unable to rip your shirt off, you flex really hard and then die but by the time they dig up your body the medical examiner is pretty impressed by your physique.
You’re a hostage being forced onto an airplane headed to Morocco in order to meet the demands of your captor.
Fight: You heroically fight off the abductor allowing yourself and the other hostages to return home safely.
Flight: You take the flight to Morocco but the plane is shot down by fighter jets over the Atlantic Ocean.
Flex: You rip your shirt off to flex aggressively at the abductor, distracting him long enough for a police sniper to shoot him in the head, spraying blood all over your chiseled abs.
You’re competing in a bodybuilding competition and during your posing routine you rupture every muscle in your body.
Fight: You rush to the side of the stage to receive medical treatment.
Flight: You freeze in terror and hope no one saw what happened.
Flex: You flex even harder causing your entire body to turn purple and then shortly after become the first person in history to spontaneously combust, sending your body flying around the room like a balloon leaking air. You’re given a posthumous first prize and your legacy as the man who exploded himself by flexing is memorialized in an extremely detailed bronze statue in gyms across the world.

The Official Dream Dinner Party Podcast w/ guest Carlos Greaves

Fri, 11 Nov 2022 20:29:19 +0000

Gary and Ross talk brisket and Bruno Mars with New Yorker and The Onion writer Carlos Greaves.

Can You Tell Me How To Get, How To Get Away From Cancelled Street? Sesame Street Characters Apology Tour

Thu, 10 Nov 2022 22:27:05 +0000

Sesame Street is like most other streets in our country. Crumbling infrastructure in desperate need of repair, occupied by residents weighed down by despair and worry. It’s no wonder that we all occasionally snap for a moment and speak out of hand. Of course, when the hand in question is controlling a Muppet, the results tend to find their way to the spotlight more often than not.
Ernie
Cancelled for writing unflattering comments about the homeless on the lavatory wall of Studio 54 back in the 70’s.
“What can I say, it was a different time. Even my rubber ducky was loaded to the gills with Quaaludes back then. But yeah, sorry for the hurt feelings, I guess.”
Oscar the Grouch
Cancelled when several pairs of crew-member’s underpants are found in his trash-can.
“There would only be one reason why somebody’s underpants ended up in my can, if you get what I’m saying. And it was consensual. I put the “sensual” into “consensual”, you dig? Of course I’m sorry for any misunderstandings, though.”
Elmo
Cancelled for being overheard making rude jokes about the fur color of other Muppets.
“Jesus Christ. This has been blown way out of proportion. I’ll say it again for the cheap seats, though.. I was talking about some other Muppet’s weird looking bush. This is not a race thing. Sorry for the confusion, but for fuck’s sake.”
Big Bird
Cancelled for having a nest located on Epstein Island.
“Golly, I am so very sorry. I admit that I had my nest on Epstein Island, but I think that was years before any of the horror stories. I did blow Clinton on the beach once on that same island, if that helps with the timeline.”
Bert
Cancelled for using characters from Fraggle Rock to construct a Human Centipede.
“That was during the last few hours of a 72 hour party in Cancun. I barely remember anything, but yes, I have seen the photos. I didn’t want anyone to get hurt, but these Fraggle Rock folks know what it’s like to party like a Muppet. We fuck shit up.”
Count von Count
Cancelled for counting the number of items in his Nazi paraphernalia collection during a dark-web online auction.
“I will give you one, ONE, apology for my innocent interest in historical trinkets. Beyond that, you should probably go fuck yourself twice.”
Cookie Monster
Cancelled for bothering young women online, asking for photos of their “cookie”.
“First of all, I had no idea that cookie is slang for female genitalia, okay? I honestly am totally obsessed with cookies and cookies alone. Actual cookies, not female body parts. If anything, I’m completely asexual. Buy okay, sorry ladies. No more Instagram-cracker cookie photos for you. Too bad, so sad.”
Grover
Using “Super-Grover” identity to trick elderly fans into a series of pyramid schemes.
“Me am sorry! Me am. fuck. sorry about that. I just got finished shooting a full day’s worth of the show. Anyway, I am really sorry about all of this other stuff. Along with everyone else, I too got carried away by Super-Grover Fever. But I’m working the steps.”

As the Mechanic Who Changed Your Tires, if the Car Goes 100 Mph I’ll Take All the Credit, but if the Wheels Fall Off You Can’t Blame Me

Thu, 10 Nov 2022 18:50:34 +0000

“‘I think if they win, I should get all of the credit, and if they lose, I should not be blamed at all,’ Trump told NewsNation, adding: ‘But it will probably be just the opposite.’” –CNN, 11/9/22
I’m the mechanic who changed your tires last week even though you actually needed a new carburetor. Don’t worry, I charged you for the carburetor and not the tires. The carburetor is much more expensive. I also spilled Fanta on your passenger seat and got pizza grease all over the steering wheel when we took the car out for a quick 170 mile test drive to my aunt’s house in Poughkeepsie.
Anyways, I just wanted to make sure we’re on the same page about the job I did last week. I know you’re super unhappy with us because you dropped the car off at 10 am, we said it would be done around 2, but when you came to pick it up we said it would take at least three more hours and then we sexually harassed your Golden Retriever.
I just want to make one thing very clear: If your car suddenly goes 100 mph even though we dropped it off the lift and it probably won’t go over 40 without sounding like a dump truck backing up over the carburetor we were supposed to install for you, we’re taking all the credit.
But, if you’re going 70 mph down the freeway on your way to my aunt’s house in Poughkeepsie because she really needs some milk and I can’t get up there this week and the wheels just happen to fly off in four different directions, hitting the Volkswagen behind you and two the right of you (you’re being tailed by Jimmy and Bob, two guys from the shop who thought you were kind of a bitch about the whole thing), it’s not our fault. In fact, it’s probably your fault. Were you a bitch to the wheels too?
I’m not saying the wheels are going to fly off your car, but I’m also not saying that. You can’t blame me that Jimmy’s mom Susan came in wearing a new blouse from Kohl’s and I got a little distracted. She just got out of the hospital last week. Looking real fine for 97. I bet that new hip works well too, if you catch my drift. But the point is, whatever happens next isn’t my fault. Unless everything is fine, in that case, leave us a nice review on Yelp. My aunt prints them out and puts them on her fridge.
This isn’t a hard concept to grasp. Okay, I may have taken the wheels off a Ford F150, gotten distracted a little distracted when Bob crashed a boat into the garage, and then put the wheels off the F150 on your Mini Cooper, but that would also explain why your car doesn’t stay on the ground when you go above 15 mph and the lowest air condition setting is 98 degrees.
I hope for my sake that the wheels don’t fall off your car. That would be a real shame. Those were some good wheels. To be honest, I’m more concerned about the guy with the F150. I was fixing my nephew’s tricycle at the same time. You can do the math there. Not a pretty picture. But like I already said 50 times, not my problemo.
I’ll take the good credit and none of the responsibility. It’s worked fine for me so far. Tell your Golden Retriever to call me back.

I’m the Cologuard Box, and I Can Diagnose your Personality Disorder

Wed, 09 Nov 2022 23:21:16 +0000

I’m Cologuard, the box you poop into. I’m a noninvasive way to detect altered DNA in your stool to find 92% of colon cancer and 56% of your maladaptive personality disorders, even in early stages. False positives may occur, but what do I care? You’re the asshole taking a shit in a box.
Who takes a cute little box with a face and limbs and rips him open to insert poop? I’ll tell you who–people with problems. Which is why I’m now equipped to tell you what’s wrong with your personality. And believe me, there is something wrong with you. You’re pooping in a box.
Narcissistic Personality
Henry, you overblown whalefish. No one cares about your poop. Not when you announced to your spouse and grown children (and your daughter’s new boyfriend, Rory) that your poop is the biggest and best sample ever mailed back to Cologuard—ever. No one cared when you asked Rory if he had ever sent in his own sample, and if so, asked just how many inches it was (except maybe Rory cared a little). Remember when you waltzed into the UPS Store, holding your box, and stepped in front of the ten other people waiting in line? Everyone cheered when the UPS guy told you to go to the end of the line, and when the balding man with no neck called, “Hey, douchebag, get to the end. Who do you think you are?” People did not care when you politely responded, “I’m sending in a history-making stool.” (Get out while you can, Rory.)
Histrionic Personality
I watched you collect your sample, Marsha. You know what I’m talking about–leaving the bathroom door open so your niece, Zoe, your brother, Zach, your Threadfin Butterfly fish, Gucci, and his friend the Flame Angelfish, Hermés, all knew what you were doing. Did you really have to end by taking all your clothes off, belting out Destiny Child’s I’m a Survivor, and twirling me around the house? As if that weren’t embarrassing enough, the way you wrapped me–with pink and purple polka dotted paper, the heart stickers, and the inclusion of “XOXO” on the shipping label, took me over the edge. That was until you kissed the UPS clerk on the lips thanking him profusely for taking this life-saving sample to your doctor so you don’t die a horrible death. I, for one, did not buy into your sobs as you left your poop behind.
Antisocial Personality
Butch, why did you feel the need to cut me open with a switchblade? I mean, really? Judging from the lumpiness of what you dropped in there, you clearly eat rocks or sticks or shit from the woods during the satanic bloodletting rituals you perform. The way you staggered into the UPS store, parking your car on the sidewalk because the nearest spot was too far away, was appalling. And when you asked that person in line to switch boxes with you? What the hell was that? You afraid of something? Like maybe they’d detect the fact that you are an asshole who uses the name “Butch” instead of Elroy? Yeah, that’s right, Elroy, I know who you really are. Don’t deny it–I know you stole money from the McDonald’s you worked at. Remember the job that you thought you didn’t need, the one you skipped shifts at, the one that fired you, and rehired you, and then fired you again? Yeah, those missing twenties were noticed by more than just the shift manager and the police.
But, Henry, Marsha, and Butch, I might be wrong about you. I don’t give a shit. I occasionally surprise the shit out of a UPS delivery man on a hot day when a loose dog rips me out of poor Bob’s hands. But I never give a shit. That’s your job.

How To Tell People You Voted Other Than An “I Voted” Sticker

Tue, 08 Nov 2022 17:59:15 +0000

Get a temporary tattoo on your forearm that says “I Voted.”
Text your booty call “U Up? I Voted.”
Reply all to an irrelevant company email chain containing 182 email addresses, write “I Voted.”
Tell your significant other “we need to talk,” and then tell them “I Voted.”
Come out to your family, announce “I Voted.”
Hire a photographer typically used for engagements and pregnancy announcements and spell out “I VOTED 11.8.22” on the letter board.
Go to Starbucks and order your usual Pumpkin Spice Latte. When the barista asks for your name, say it’s “I Voted.” Post the photo of your cup, which says “Ivory Ted.”
At a wedding, when the priest asks if there are any objections, burst through the rear doors in dramatic fashion and yell “I Voted!”
Steal or borrow a horse. Ride into town with good tidings that you voted, yelling, “I Voted!”
Get married and convince your spouse to change the “Just Married” sign on the back of your retro, quirky getaway car to “Just Voted.”
Begin a podcast, something you’ve been wanting to do forever. Hype your non-existing following base up saying you’ve got a “huge announcement” coming that you’ll finally be announcing on Episode 1. After stumbling through a shaky reading of a Blue Apron ad, finally tell your listeners, “I Voted”
Yell “Bomb! And Also, I Voted!” in an airport.
Arrive on a deserted island, erase the S.O.S. from the sand and etch “I Voted” into it.
Get a real tattoo in your tramp stamp area that says “I Voted”
Purchase an authentic Juicy Couture track suit, pluck off all the sequins that say “Juicy” on the ass, and sew them back to spell out “I Voted.”
Have sex. When you get to climax two minutes in, moan “I Voted!”
Get your car absolutely filthy. Disgusting. Covered in dust. Take an embarrassingly long time to parallel park, and then write “I Voted” in the car window dust for all to see. Get a ticket because you parked too far away from the curb.
Go to a protected national forest. Carve your initials + “I Voted” = into a tree trunk. Giggle. Get arrested for damaging protected property. Pay a $500 fine.
Have a child. Name them “I Voted.” Recycle the letter board used earlier for the birth announcement.
Post on Facebook announcing “I Voted.” Proceed to get data stolen by Russian hackers.

I’m Bombarding You With Texts Before Election Day So You’ll Definitely Vote for Me

Tue, 08 Nov 2022 00:41:58 +0000

9:32 AM — Hi! I’m your state’s Republican candidate for Governor. I got your number from some voter registry list. Can I count on your support this Election Day? I’m texting you because I don’t trust the polls and figure if I slide into your phone without consent, you’ll definitely vote for me.
9:33 AM If you want to opt out of these messages reply “STOP” and I’ll continue sending them to you.
12:24 PM — Hey, it’s me again. I didn’t hear back from you so I am checking in to make sure you’re voting for me. I’d rather not list my position on abortion, Donald Trump, or the World Series in text because I don’t want you to actually know. I just want to pop up in between innocent carpool chit-chat and UPS delivery reminders and give you a little push to consider me. And by “little push” I mean: I need you to commit to voting for me. or else.
5:43 AM — Reminder, today’s the last day to request a prefilled “I’m Voting Republican down the line” ballot. Click to receive it. If you choose to fill out the ballot yourself at the polling location, you’re a moron, because it’s going to make it harder for me to fairly win. Also, when checking off the candidates of your choosing, remember, I know where you live.
2:40 PM — Don’t let my Democratic opponent’s lies deceive you. Here’s a photo he doesn’t want you to see: kissingPUPPY>
5:25 PM — This is your REPUBLICAN candidate Really, it’s ME and not my minions whom I’ve locked in a cellar with an endless list of cell phone numbers. I went through a lot of trouble to personally text you. My Democratic opponent doesn’t care enough about constituents like you to reach out via the comforts of your pocket. I care so much that I even had my bots access your contacts. I’m going to text your friends and family to let them know that you’re voting for me and that they’d better vote for me too or you are disowning them.
7:29 PM— I also texted your boss.
6:45 PM — Oops, the photo I sent the other day was NOT photoshopped. Here’s the correct photo my Democratic opponent doesn’t want you to see: PUPPY>
12:45 PM — My spyware detected a toilet flushing so I thought I’d check in while you zip your fly to remind you that as your next Republican Governor, I would definitely-maybe-probably not change any state abortion laws. Also, I’m not planning on doing away with public access to voter data. I will however put anyone who blocks these texts on a No Fly List.
12:46 PM — Get it? Zipping your fly? No fly list?
12:49 PM — Vote for me, the Republican candidate for Governor, or things will get WAY worse for you.
12:52 PM — You might not have paid all your taxes last year, just saying.
9:29 PM — Here’s a clip of the non-edited commercial I’m going to run that my Democratic opponent also doesn’t want you to see: CHEATERcheaterPUPPY/eater>
2:34 PM — Hey there, look out your window! It’s me — your Republican candidate for Governor! I’m in your neighborhood doing a last-minute meet and greet. Can you bring out your baby? I have a news crew here ready to get a shot of me holding an infant.
2:36 PM — So what do you say? Do I have your vote?
2:37 PM — And your infant?
2:58 PM — Didn’t hear from you, so I had your car towed. Get it back after Election Day — with proof that you voted for me — only if I win.
3:01 PM — If I lose, your house might suddenly have a lien.
9:31 AM — Hi, this is your DEMOCRATIC Candidate for Governor. My opponent does not believe in basic rights like privacy. So, can I count on your vote?
9:32 AM — You don’t want to find out what happens if I lose.

Talkward w/ guest Gary Almeter

Fri, 04 Nov 2022 20:14:50 +0000

This episode of Talkward welcomes comedy writer and author Gary Almeter! Gary’s new humor book ‘The Official Dream Dinner Party Handbook’ explores the question: If you could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, who do you pick? How do you choose? And how can it all go terribly wrong? It’s very funny and you should buy it right now!

Looming Threat of a Recession? Here's 8 Surefire Money Saving Tips!

Fri, 04 Nov 2022 19:12:28 +0000

Really milk the system, stick it to the man with these tips!
All You Can Eat Buffets
Now this is already a common practice. But, I suggest you take it to the extreme, taking “all you can eat” literally. See it as not only a test of will but of fortitude. By the time you leave, waiters should be disgusted with the amount of food you’ve consumed. Comments like “We’ve never had to ask anyone to leave before” will let you know you’ve gotten your money’s worth.
Household Goods Courtesy of the Deceased
Believe it or not retirement communities have shops, selling home goods and art from deceased members for really cheap. Who couldn’t use a pair of haunted gardening shears? Plus, the ghosts usually make for nice company when you’re too broke to go out. And, I’m sure that plastic covered sequenced couch will be in style again. Trends always come full circle.
Save on Toilet Paper by Sunning Your Genitals
I saw this on social media. Never knew it was popular. I’m assuming this has to do with going to the bathroom. I think you’re supposed to wipe your butt with leaves, shaking everything out before “sunning.” According to TikTok, absorbing vitamin D through your butthole is good for your health. And, after gorging yourself at the buffet you’ll definitely have explosive diarrhea. So, at the very least you’re helping the environment by not using toilet paper. (Disclaimer: do not do this in public or where children are present.)
Clothing Trends alla Gaga: Garbage Bag Chic
Google “Lady Gaga’s garbage bag dress,” and you’ll see why tabloids went gaga for this look in 2015. It costs less than a buck, it’s gender neutral, and allows for a nice breeze.
Furniture Finds Dumpster Diving
In every city there’s a swanky neighborhood where rich people toss furniture curbside. One man’s trash is another man’s armoire. You can sell the furniture on Facebook Marketplace or use it to furnish your home. (Pro tip: wear the garbage bag dress to rummage incognito.)
Make Showering Dates
What better way to get to know that causal Facebook acquaintance or neighbor than to ask to use their shower? One look into their bathroom cabinet and you’ll find everything you need to know about them (even painfully intimate details). And, not only will you save on your water bill by racking up theirs, you’ll increasing your lifespan! Studies show people with more social connections live longer!
Go to Bed When it Gets Dark
Save on electricity by passing out as soon as it’s dark out. Unplug all technology and sit in silence. Let your thoughts wander to all the ghosts now haunting your apartment by your retirement community finds. And pray that they are friendly ghosts.
Use a Landline
Cut your phone bill in half by using a landline. Now, you’ll have an excuse for not answering that pesky neighbor’s calls. You used his shower once six months ago and now he won’t stop inviting you to game night. “I wasn’t by the phone,” is the perfect excuse that never tires! You can use it for your parents, your boss. even the police when they call you with reports of complaints for Public Indecency after sunning your genitals.
I hope these tips and tricks were enlightening. Stay nifty out there!

I Am Happy with My Choice to Remain Childless. Also, Call Me “Uncle Jon.” You Must Care for Me When I Am Old.

Thu, 03 Nov 2022 23:57:07 +0000

Happy second birthday, Jackson. Here is a fun ball that features the likeness of the Sesame Street character Elmo. It bounces, too. I selected this gift because I’ve heard from your dad, Matt, that you are interested in Sesame Street characters and bouncy balls. I have been friends with your father since we weren’t much older than you are now. There he is, watching our conversation with his trademark furrowed brow. What a neat guy your dad is.
As I eat this Cookie Monster–themed cake, I’m reflecting on your dad and I. We’re still close, but our lives have gone in different directions. I’m not calling your father a coward, exactly, but it takes courage to defy society’s expectations. I’m your dad’s same age: 38 years old. When I tell people I don’t want kids, they insist that I’ve made a mistake. That I’m missing one of the most gratifying parts of life. That I’ll never understand the Billy Joel song “Lullabye.” They can say what they want; I am content with my choice to remain childless. Also, call me “Uncle Jon.” You must care for me when I am old.
Enjoy the Elmo ball. I give it with no expectation of anything in return—which, if you’re not a sociopath, probably makes you feel even more like you ought to look out for me later on, should the necessity arise.
You can talk to your dad in a bit. You see him all the time. Right now, I am proffering my hard-won insights.
Your purpose isn’t to please your parents. It’s to find your own bliss, whether that comes from bar trivia, travel to destinations that allow you to bring your dog, or covering my rent once I’m too old to work but haven’t amassed a large enough 401(k) to last through retirement.
I live in the shadow of a future in which I am decrepit and abandoned. No children. No grandchildren. No one to even wonder how I am doing. Just a lonely, decaying man. But that’s a small price to pay for my freedom.
By not having children, I’m doing my part to fight climate change and other global problems exacerbated by a growing population. To forge a brighter tomorrow for young folks like you. Oh, you needn’t say “thank you.” A good house with a personal chef, not some second-rate assisted-living facility that may as well be an old-man drop box, will be thanks enough.
You can take a swing at the piñata in a minute, after your Uncle Jon makes a few more important points.
When I visit you and your dad here in the suburbs, it’s sad. You don’t want that for your adult self. It’s not a rewarding existence to settle a toddler down from his tantrum at two in the morning. What you want at my age is to be in a bodega at two in the morning, with your drunk friend, settling him down from his tantrum.
This is advice that your parents, with their biases, will not give you. They are too motivated by a primitive desire to propagate their own genetic material. If a selfless dedication to the happiness of another is the true mark of a father, perhaps I am more of a parent to you than your “real” parents, and thus more entitled to your support several decades hence.
Look at that scowl on your dad’s face. I don’t think that’s someone you’d rather feed, clothe, and medicate than me.
My care will not be cheap—even before inflation, it might run you mid–six figures per year. And, as explained before, I have not saved much. But do not be discouraged; with smart investments and budgeting, you will be able to provide for me and still have some money left over for your own needs—assuming that, like your Uncle Jon, you do not procreate or adopt.
Does that sound okay to you? Can you agree to that? Yes? Ha. Fantastic.
As you may know, oral contracts are enforceable in the State of New York, which, if I am correct, is where your parents’ fancy Croton-on-Hudson mansion was built and where we are standing now.
Don’t try to back out. There was an offer and an acceptance, and that Elmo ball—which is bouncy, as you no doubt remember—is what we call a “consideration” in exchange for your promise. If you can’t afford to...

Transcript From The Recent Emergency Meeting Of The Multiversal Council Of Kanyes

Thu, 03 Nov 2022 23:33:35 +0000

Kanye Earth 27- I call to order this emergency meeting of the multiversal Council Of Kanyes. Very sorry about the last minute notice, but I’m sure that we can all agree that things are getting out of control quickly.
Kanye Earth XND– Jesus Florglatz, what has he done now?
Kanye Earth 47B– Seriously?? How can you have possibly missed it? Even if you weren’t watching the Multiversal News, certainly you’ve felt the throbbing pain at the base of your cerebral cortex. Mine has been keeping me up for nights.
Kanye Earth 99t– Say, remember the theory that Hitler went crazy due to syphilis eating up most of his brain? Kanye did marry Kim Kardashian, so maybe that’s what has happened here?
Kanye Earth XND– We’re not here not to debate the how and why of this situation. It’s far too late for that. We just need to come to some agreement as to how to proceed with the cleanup.
Kanye Earth 27– C’mon guys, let’s focus here. This moron is making the rest of us look really bad. I myself have lost a major yogurt account due to this racist shithead, and my universe is 7 million parsecs away from this idiot.
Kanye Earth 88Y– Can we not just destroy his entire universe? I think that we can all agree that its pretty much fucked up beyond repair. We’d be doing everybody, including him, a huge favor by just ending the whole fucking thing already.
Kanye Earth ZYOT– Hey, hang on a second! Can I say something here? We can’t just torpedo an entire universe because one guy has lost control! Right? C’mon everybody.
Kanye Earth 27– A valid point. Let us allow cooler heads to prevail.
Kanye Earth 88Y– Okay, but at the same time, let’s also remember that this is the universe that contains the most evil, villainous, despicable version of Elon Musk known to the multiverse.
Kanye Earth 27- .....
Kanye Earth 27– Okay.. just do it.

The Tell-Tale Joint

Tue, 01 Nov 2022 21:53:38 +0000

True! Nervous – very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why will you say that I am mad? The desire that seized me – that gripped me – was natural. Many a mortal man has felt the same yearning. So – pray – I urge you – attend to my tale. And then – then – tell me if you really believe me to be mad!
I cannot say what caused the idea to take root in my mind. Only that, suddenly, it had. The idea was thus: I resolved to steal my father’s weed. Madness – you say? Insanity – you cry? Yes, yes, I know my plot was dangerous – dastardly. But listen – listen to how carefully I proceeded. No mad man could have masterminded such machinations.
I knew exactly where my father stored his stash, but I knew I must be clever – so clever – to purloin the trove that I so desired. And so, one night, at midnight, I made for my father’s room. I stepped over his threshold. He did not stir an inch! In fact – he smiled! The smile of a man who trusted his son! The smile of a man who knew nothing of the evil unfolding in his very house. The smile of a fool! HA! My gleaming eyes lighted upon the desired target. A black box resting serenely on the bookshelf. I felt myself tingling with anticipation, shaking with lust and covetousness. I opened the black box, revealing the aromatic treasure inside. I plundered all of the Mary Jane, plunging the entire contents of the box into various pockets on my personage before absconding into the night.
Once alone in the safety of mine own room, I reveled in my success. I trembled with the knowledge that I was soon to be ensconced in a warm cocoon of marijuana. One would have thought I was Afroman himself, so skillfully did I roll that joint. It was uniform in shape – perfectly cylindrical – and not a single drop of weed fell to the floor. The perfect crime. The perfect blunt. Then – ever the careful criminal – I opened my window by a fraction of an inch. The cool night air wafted into my room. But I felt no chill. My success burned inside me like a talisman against the night – like an eternal joint that never roached.
With the click of my lighter and a flare of orange flame, I lit the joint. Ecstasy – at last! I touched my lips to the filter and breathed deeply. A breath of relief. My aim had been achieved. All lurking and plotting could now – at last! – come to an end. The lustrous tip of the blunt glowed in the darkness, tendrils of smoke curling into the night like phantoms en miniature. And – in contemplating that night now – it is exactly those phantasmagoric plumes that ruined all. That sealed my fate. Ah – my cruel fate!
For – unknown to me at the time – those little puffs of perfidy floated along the midnight air to the open window of my neighbor’s house. You shall see – oh, you shall see – how my neighbor’s keen eye and even keener nose came to be my undoing.
But that night after smoking most of the joint, I was as yet unaware of the mistake I had made. I cautiously lifted the loose floorboard beside my bed, placing the extinguished half of a joint and all else that I had pilfered beneath it. I fell asleep in a blissful haze, triumphant. Oh friends! If only I had known! If only I had known I was passing my last sound night of sleep. I have never slept so well since, and I fear that I never shall again.
I was awoken from my slumbers by a knock at the door! I leapt out of bed in shock! A knock at the door at this hour? But – I looked at the floorboards, surveyed my room, sniffed the air. What had I to fear? I had carried it all off so perfectly. With a renewed confidence, I opened the door. My parents stood in the threshold.
I welcomed them in – the picture of ease – the picture of innocence. They informed me that they had received a text message from our neighbor just this morning. I feigned complete ignorance! I gestured towards my futon, encouraging them to please sit. I myself sat on the edge of my bed, placing my feet firmly over the floorboard which concealed my trove.
They seemed encouraged...

Spoiled: A Visual Diary of Compromised Groceries

Thu, 27 Oct 2022 22:43:48 +0000

I left my fridge cracked open all night. Please do not judge me. It was very much an accident and I very much need your help. In our current apocalypse, I can’t afford to throw out anything unnecessarily. After all, groceries are gold, and we will soon be forced to use soft cheeses and gluten free English muffins to barter with Bezo-Muskians for safe passage off Earth!
All this considered, I must ask you the following.
This pack of boneless skinless chicken breasts cost sixteen dollars and isn’t even organic. It’s the kind of chicken a gym bro might boil and blend into a water-based smoothie worthy of the Upside Down. (That’s a real thing some muscle gays do, I’m sorry to tell you. Must be nice to have an eating disorder that produces abs!) I was going to make some sort of chicken-centric taco meal, because, though I am white, I am also Mexican and therefore rebuke any and all forms of ground beef tacos. My personal ab-avoidant eating disorder was looking forward to delicately kissing and caressing said tacos, but now I am just as concerned about the state of the chicken as I am about the state of the world. Is it spoiled?
This is a carton of eggs machine-snatched from beneath the asses of birds I’m sure are completely happy and well cared for and not mistreated at all. I know farm-fresh eggs are shelf-stable thanks to the protective coating slathered on their shells by the chickens’ tight little bird holes, but what about these eggs bleached to high hell for “sanitation” reasons? When I hold the carton, I think of Easter and therefore Jesus Christ and therefore I am sad. Are they spoiled (like my belief in God)?
I haven’t used this cream cheese in over a month, but the expiration date says it’s good until the housing market finally crashes in 2037. The top layer is 65% toast crumbs, as required by law. Is it in the clear, or must I now put butter on my bagels like a freak?
This is my medicine. One sip contains 10 mg of high-potency THC. My prescribed dose is half a bottle guzzled an hour before every Zoom call. I know it isn’t spoiled, and even if it were, I would still drink it. It is important to take your medicine.
This is a box of Sees candy. I was planning to give it to my dad for his birthday, but my little cousins caught COVID from a maskless mouth-breather at school. (They’re okay! Not at all traumatized by the pandemic in any way!) We’re all quarantining in our separate households, so I haven’t seen my dad yet, which is fine, because I definitely haven’t eaten half the chocolates already. I’m a bit concerned because the box is a variety assortment and some of the pieces have creamy centers. I mean, I think they do. I’m just guessing, because how would I know for certain having not eaten a single one? But just in case my guess is correct and some pieces are filled with a deliciously smooth sea salt citrus raspberry Chantilly, I need to know, are they spoiled?
This is a shameful carton of milk from the fiery utters of Mount Doom. Despite its insidious effects on my bowels, I used to drink it every day as a kid thanks to Big Dairy’s celebrity milk mustache commercials gaslighting my parents into believing my bones would otherwise spontaneously snap while riding my bike to the Beef ’n Bun. (Joke’s on Big Dairy, though. My parents never taught me how to ride a bike. I walked to the Beef ’n Bun, thank you very much!) The milk smells as okay as it ever did. Is it spoiled?
This is falsa: “fake” homemade salsa without any of the good parts that trigger my absurdly delicate stomach. It’s mostly tomatoes, cilantro, and desperation, and no, it does not taste anything like actual salsa. Is it spoiled literally as much as it is figuratively?
I bought this salmon fifty percent off at Smart & Final. It was the only discounted fish, which would have felt like a blessing if it hadn’t also felt like a warning. Post-fridge crack, I now wonder, is it (more) spoiled (than it might have been before)?
This is an absurdly large container ...

Don’t Say You Worship Satan If It’s Only on Halloween

Thu, 27 Oct 2022 22:23:48 +0000

The same thing every year: eleven months of schlepping our lonely way to the unhallowed grove and then BAM! The last week of October there are three square miles of parked cars around our sinister hidden shrine. Which, hello? HIDDEN SHRINE, people! Try not to tip off the whole freaking world to our secret unspeakable rites, ‘kay?
Where were all you seasonal Satanists the rest of the year, when we could barely find thirteen people to begin our unholy demonic liturgy? Where were you during the oppressive cheer of summer? Where were you at the bake sale? I had to buy my own boysenberry scones. Again.
Do you have a clue what this diabolical cult actually believes? You don’t even know what to chant. Most of you October occultists are just muttering and humming under your breath, like Lutherans, while the rest shout “Sabbath!” at random intervals. And then, every single Halloween, some once-a-year-devil’s-disciple has to scream and cry and yell for the police. Act like this isn’t your first blood sacrifice, people. It’s embarrassing.
Not that I can see tonight’s sacrifice. Thanks to you pumpkin-spice necromancers I’m stuck in obstructed view behind a pillar, surrounded by mouth-breathing Faustus-come-latelies with no respect for personal space. I can only make out, like, part of her shin.
Also, what are you wearing? Which part of “black robe” was too complicated? Did you really walk into our lightless abode of the damned dressed as Hellboy? And don’t even get me started with the slutty witch costumes. Why tempt our dread master Lucifer’s wrath by baring your cleavage at him? I think he’s made it abundantly clear he’s an ass man.
I don’t want to point fingers, but someone has to say it. Dressing as Buffy the so-called “Vampire Slayer” is in extremely poor taste, especially considering everything we’ve learned about Joss Whedon.
I know all you foul-weather-fiends will be happy stupid normies again come November, but some of us put in the work24/7/365, devoting ourselves to implacable, malevolent Evil. I’m talking about multi-level marketing. Standing at the front of coffee shop lines, refusing to decide on our orders. Strategically upvoting the most annoying Instagram posts, snatching hapless drifters as offerings unto Beelzebub, and playing our Billy Joel playlist on repeat, just loud enough for the neighbors to hear and just low enough that they can’t complain. Bwa. Ha. Ha.
So please, try not to act like a bunch of drunken college kids who’ve stumbled in by accident. Because drunken college kids do stumble in by accident, and the cops are a pain in the butt about it.
And for the last time, there is NO SUCH THING as “Satanic folk mass.” I mean, God forbid.

#MoneyAMonster

Wed, 26 Oct 2022 22:19:21 +0000

What’s this evil fee? Over Draftula! It’s #MoneyAMonster on this week’s trending joke game! Here are some of the best on @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST.
Let’s play #MoneyAMonster with co-host @HashtagRoundup powered by @TheHashtagGame TOP TWEETS go up on
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) October 26, 2022
Accountant Dracula #MoneyAMonster
There Is No Dan, Only Zuul (@iamdanlevey) October 26, 2022
The Cryptokeeper #MoneyAMonster
Justin Avery Smith (@JustAVerySmith) October 26, 2022
Creditor #MoneyAMonster @paul_lander
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) October 26, 2022
#MoneyAMonster King Dong (The Dong is the Vietnamese unit of currency)
Dan (@DanielAshley13) October 26, 2022
Benjamin Frankenstein #MoneyAMonster
Oliver Langmo (@Olivergoesoff) October 26, 2022
#MoneyAMonster Freddy Krugerrand
Dan (@DanielAshley13) October 26, 2022
The Creature From The In The Black Lagoon #MoneyAMonster
Mug Snug Bug☕ (@happyfacemug) October 26, 2022
#MoneyAMonster The Nickel-back of Notre Dame
Jordan (@Jordan_Rockford) October 26, 2022
#MoneyAMonster Mummy Launderer
Diane (@kitawny24) October 26, 2022
The Pound Of The Baskervilles
#MoneyAMonster
Richard Stone (@RichardStone21) October 26, 2022
Franks and Stein #MoneyAMonster
There Is No Dan, Only Zuul (@iamdanlevey) October 26, 2022
#MoneyAMonster Save your Pennyswise
📚 Book’em Mary 📚 (@MaryG0401) October 26, 2022
Over Draftula #MoneyAMonster
A. Straw Knot (@atatstutter) October 26, 2022
#MoneyAMonster Saw buck
Ladyfish🦈 (@Ladyfish666) October 26, 2022
Village Of The Dimed#MoneyAMonster
rick obermeyer (@ObermeyerRick) October 26, 2022
Cashilisk #MoneyAMonster
Elizabeth K (@elizabethk1985) October 26, 2022
The Bribe of Frankenstein #MoneyAMonster
Keith Blair (@44bizzness) October 26, 2022
Loan Ness Monster #MoneyAMonster
Slapshot (@slapshot1992) October 26, 2022
The Loch Ness C-Note Monster #MoneyAMonster
Darrin Stevens (@dwstevens1977) October 26, 2022
Batcoin #MoneyAMonster
Schmeep (@Schmeep) October 26, 2022
Penny Dreadful #MoneyAMonster
teenser no longer defeated (@cmoog57) October 26, 2022
Count Drachmala#MoneyAMonster
Michael Vine (@MichaelGVine) October 26, 2022
The ATMummy #MoneyAMonster
Darrin Stevens (@dwstevens1977) October 26, 2022
#MoneyAMonster Giant Quid
Katalina St. Yves (@KatalinaMelody) October 26, 2022
Frank and cents #MoneyAMonster
Elizabeth K (@elizabethk1985) October 26, 2022
Edward Pesohands
#MoneyAMonster
Richard Stone (@RichardStone21) October 26, 2022
#MoneyAMonster Buffalo Bills
DM (@patchdennizen) October 26, 2022
Shreque. #MoneyAMonster
Zlati Meyer (@Zlatimeyer) October 26, 2022
Dr Shekel & Mr Hyde #MoneyaMonster
Kenneth Reading (@KennethReading) October 26, 2022
Michael Buyers#MoneyAMonster
Michael Vine (@MichaelGVine) October 26, 2022
The Werewolf of Wall Street #MoneyAMonster @paul_lander
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) October 26, 2022
#MoneyAMonster Beastly Bitcoin
Matt Pritchett 📸🤖♿️ (@CrankyCyborg) October 26, 2022
Hell Pound #MoneyAMonster
Greg Morter (@Evi1Geniu5) October 26, 2022
Godzillionare #MoneyAMonster @paul_lander
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) October 26, 2022
Moth IRA#MoneyAMonster
Ned Limpopo (@WarrenSorich) October 26, 2022
The Munny #MoneyAMonster @KitLively @paul_lander
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) October 26, 2022
Creature From The Black Amex Card #MoneyAMonster @KitLively
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) October 26, 2022
Checky #MoneyAMonster @KitLively
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) October 26, 2022
LeatherFICA #MoneyAMonster @KitLively
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) October 26, 2022
In Godzilla We Trust #MoneyAMonster
Slapshot (@slapshot1992) October 26, 2022
Federal Bankshee #MoneyAMonster
Slapshot (@slapshot1992) October 26, 2022
Night of the Living Bread
#MoneyaMonster
Dan Fiorella: Halloweenie 🎃 (@DanFiorella) October 26, 2022
The Greenback of Notre Dame
#MoneyaMonster
Dan Fiorella: Halloweenie 🎃 (@DanFiorella) October 26, 2022
The Creature...

'So Your Fiancée Woke Up with a Pumpkin Head, Now What?'

Wed, 26 Oct 2022 21:52:30 +0000

PLAY IT COOL:
So your fiancée woke up with a pumpkin for a head? No worries, just pump the brakes a little bit and acknowledge that the first thing you’re going to want to do is scream. Loudly. Like you’ve been dropped onto the set of Tod Browning’s “Freaks”. But I’m telling you very calmly: don’t. Bite your lip, smile like the normal-headed human you are, and discreetly start taking down all the mirrors in your house. Knock them to the ground, cover them with blankets, even throw your shoes at them to shatter ‘em. This will be a very smart and crucial move that will pay off as the day continues. So breathe deep, buckle up, and play it cool – you got this.
SPEAK LOUDLY:
One interesting thing that you’re going to notice when your lover has a pumpkin for a head is that they don’t have any ears. None. No holes, no indents, no nothing – I don’t even know how it works. But what you’re going to have to do now, is start speaking loudly. Very loudly. Again, no screaming – this is just speaking in a manner that your pumpkin headed betrothed will actually understand. You’ll say lots of things and their head will either nod in agreement or shake in disagreement, they won’t know that anything is different at all. If they mumble gibberish to you in terrifying pumpkin-speak – again, don’t scream – just do as they do and nod your head and carry on like it’s another day of regular-headed halcyon engagement bliss.
EAT IN PRIVATE:
Now that there’s a huge pumpkin head walking around your house – meals are going to be a little trickier than normal. If however you eat all of your meals alone while hiding in a closet then please, skip this step. Food is going to be a problem because your lover has no way of eating it – she just has three goofy teeth and no jaw motion whatsoever. So don’t talk about food or acknowledge the existence of food, just secretly eat your meals in private and hope that they don’t start pointing to their human stomach and pumpkin mouth. If they do – just shake your head like you don’t understand, or pretend that you saw a friend drive by on the street and honked at you. Go ahead, just wave at no one, it’s okay. Hi there, wave!
GO CLOTHES SHOPPING:
If you can do this next step before any work meetings occur, today just might be a success. Something that will help immensely with video-conference calls and social meetings of all kinds is a light disguise. Now you won’t be able to completely hide a massive pumpkin head with clothes, but you can sure come damn close. Buy some librarian style eyeglasses with the long goofy chain, get a big chunky waffle scarf to throw around their pumpkin chin, get a touch up in the cosmetics aisle, and most importantly – buy a really big, really long winter hat – the kind that elves wear. This will help cover up the ever-revealing pumpkin stem. Sure, people might say things but we’ll cover that in the next step. For now, be fashion forward and lock down that disguise.
TELL THEM IT’S NATIONAL “TELL SOMEONE YOU HAVE A PUMPKIN FOR A HEAD DAY” DAY:
Sooner or later you’re going to have to explain why everyone’s been shouting “Oh my God Janice your head turned into a pumpkin – what happened!?!?” all day long. You should do this around early to mid-afternoon, that way the rest of the day will be a breeze. What you’re going to want to do is very matter-of-factly say something like “Gad zooks Janice! That National Day Calendar gets whackier every year! Did you hear what today is? It’s national Tell Someone You Have a Pumpkin for a Head Day day!” Once you’ve dropped this bomb, your pumpkin head should start to relax a bit and realize that everything she’s heard today has been one big goof. All her flustered and accidental head bonkings around the house should settle down significantly too.
DO SHOULDER EXERCISES:
Simply put – pumpkin head’s are heavy and you’re gonna need to help your fiancée toughen up that neck. Start orchestrating 4pm neck and shoulder exercises. Make it seem like a big game and laugh...

Spooky High is Closing

Tue, 25 Oct 2022 21:04:18 +0000

Dear students, parents, faculty members, and boosters:
For more than 200 years, Spooky High has been the preeminent educational facility in this area for young monsters, supernatural entities, and horrifying creatures, all seeking to learn in a safe environment free from the persecutions and distractions of the mainstream world. Our alumni are world-renowned, including the Frankenstein creation, six generations of Blobs, all seven Mummy siblings, and a real zombie who was in the “Thriller” video.
But as a student, parent, or supporter of Spooky High, I don’t need to tell you about our past. Our legacy is secure; it’s our present that’s in jeopardy, and our future that’s in doubt. The citizens of this community have been outspoken about their distrust of a low-security school that imparts knowledge, job skills, and self-esteem to more than 2,000 increasingly powerful inhuman creatures that they feel are an affront to both God and nature. Nor do they like that $4 million of their property taxes each year fund the endeavor.
This has resulted in a recent spate of assaults in the media, primarily by candidates running for office at the state and local levels pandering for votes by calling for our school to be shut down, labeling it “a breeding ground of death and nightmares.” Such comments have also led to a spate of actual assaults, both on Spooky High property and population. We were all shocked and saddened by the Molotov cocktail through Mr. Larson’s biology lab window, the unsolved kidnapping of Snake Girl, and the burning of Swamp Beast-like effigies on the monsterball field. Of course, our thoughts and dark incantations go out to Dracu-Teen, who is still recovering from his stake wounds and exposure burns. (In related news, police took into custody this morning of three members of the Van Helsing Prep wrestling team.)
This state of affairs is indicative of the eroding support and respect for education in this country, as well as demonstrating that people are just as afraid of monsters as they’ve always been, despite the increased popularity of zombie-, vampire-, and monster-based entertainment. “Let someone else pay for the schools,” they think, and “keep the monsters out of my backyard,” they say, with both their words and their angry, pitchfork-wielding mobs.
But then where should the monsters go? Sadly, the answer is “elsewhere.” The school board has voted 4-1 to close Spooky High immediately. Know that this is not easy for any of the staff, and we are proud of each and every one of you. I am especially touched by the loyalty and school spirit of the Zombie Student Alliance, who attacked, partially consumed, and turned one school board member, resulting in the sole dissenting vote.
Nevertheless, the ruling still stands. Hold your head high (or neck — I’m talking to you, junior class president Headless Horseman!), with the knowledge that you received a stellar education from one of the nation’s top educational institutions, for monsters or otherwise. Those of you who choose to remain in the district will be bussed in to the closest high school, Van Helsing HS. Let me be frank with you for a moment. In all likelihood, you will be subjected to bullying or worse. But, as the public awareness campaign and those posters in our now closed and soon to be burned down and sprinkled with holy water hallways say, “You’re a monster but you’re not a monster.”
In closing, go Wildcats. Go Wildcats forever.
Sincerely,
Principal Ludvig

The Official Dream Dinner Party Podcast w/ Gary and Ross

Fri, 21 Oct 2022 21:00:07 +0000

Gary and Ross kick things off by sharing which three people they would each invite to dinner. Pre-order the book today

Kit Quickie- QAnyms: QAnon Acronyms

Fri, 21 Oct 2022 18:33:19 +0000

Quickly Aggravating News-Obtuse Nationalists
Questioning ANTIFA’s Necessarily Ominous Notifications
Quashing America’s Nicely Organized Nation
Queasily Affirms Nostradamus’ Own Nightmares
Quagmires Americans Needing Overt Normalcy

Vegetable-Inspired Halloween Candy No One Wants

Fri, 21 Oct 2022 17:43:36 +0000

Jolly Radishes
Sour Patch Kales
York Bell Peppermint Patties
M&Ms (Mushrooms & Mushrooms)
O-nion Henry!
Peas (with Peas Dispenser)
Whatchamacauliflower
Baby Ruthabaga
Chick-o-Jicama
Now and Tater
Everlasting Gobsquasher
Cotton Cabbage
Kinder Eggplant
Bok League Choy
Candy Corn

I’m Sorry for Wearing a Sexy Nurse Costume to Your Event But It’s Kinda Your Fault for Having It Close to Halloween

Thu, 20 Oct 2022 23:23:31 +0000

I’m sorry I didn’t open the Evite and read the details about the family event you kindly invited me to.
I’m sorry I kept our pinky promise from when we were 12 that we’d always dress up for Halloween.
I’m sorry I brought pumpkin spice Jell-O shots to the classy restaurant you generously rented out for your family visiting from Colorado and a few close friends.
I’m sorry I pregamed with a few Jell-O shots before I arrived.
I’m sorry I got into a fight with the restaurant manager who tried to get me to throw away the Jell-O shots I spent all afternoon making.
I’m sorry I threw a vase at the restaurant manager that your aunt made in her glass blowing studio in Colorado.
I’m sorry I consumed all the remaining Jell-O shots myself.
I’m sorry I invited 10 random people to your private family and friends shindig and told them it was going to be a rager.
I’m sorry they showed up.
I’m sorry I threw up from all those Jell-o shots in the coat room, who had the white vintage mink coat? Was it your mom? I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I jumped out of the coat room wearing a Jason mask and scared the kids.
I’m sorry your uncle from Colorado happened to be with them and had a heart attack.
I’m sorry his wife thought I was a real nurse and tried to get me to help him.
I’m sorry I thought I could “fake it till I make it” and tried to give your uncle CPR.
I’m sorry your uncle decided to reassess his life after what turned out to be a panic attack and is now leaving your aunt.
I’m sorry your uncle has moved into your spare bedroom that you just finished remodeling as your office.
I’m sorry I screamed “Trick or Treat” in your face when you tried to talk to me.
But happy vow renewal to your parents on their ruby anniversary! Kinda bad timing they got married on Oct 29th, huh?

#KillerCandies

Thu, 20 Oct 2022 06:24:00 +0000

Reese’s Pieces of Flesh! It’s #KillerCandies on this week’s trending joke game! Here are some of the best on @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST.
Let’s play #KillerCandies with co-host @HashtagRoundup powered by @TheHashtagGame TOP TWEETS go up on
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) October 19, 2022
Bit Her Finger #KillerCandies
CK 🇺🇦🌻 (@charley_ck14) October 19, 2022
Sleeps with the Swedish Fishes #KillerCandies
Elizabeth K (@elizabethk1985) October 19, 2022
Cadbury them 6 feet under #KillerCandies
There Is No Dan, Only Zuul (@iamdanlevey) October 19, 2022
Whatchamakillit#KillerCandies
DJHopkins🎮 (@DJHopkinsTTV) October 19, 2022
John Twix #KillerCandies
There Is No Dan, Only Zuul (@iamdanlevey) October 19, 2022
Shoot Someone On 5th Avenue Bar #KillerCandies
Oliver Langmo (@Olivergoesoff) October 19, 2022
S&M&Ms #KillerCandies
Julia Julia Pumpkin Eater 🎃 (@SwimmerJlo) October 19, 2022
#KillerCandies Cadbury Scream Eggs
1SafeDriver (@1SafeDriver) October 19, 2022
Jaw Breakers
Ah, old school marketing#KillerCandies
No good at this (@Protogenes1) October 19, 2022
Redrum Vines#KillerCandies
Ned Limpopo (@WarrenSorich) October 19, 2022
Milky Slay #KillerCandies
Greg Morter (@Evi1Geniu5) October 19, 2022
Reese’s Pieces of Flesh #KillerCandies
There Is No Dan, Only Zuul (@iamdanlevey) October 19, 2022
Boston Strangler Baked Beans#KillerCandies
Ned Limpopo (@WarrenSorich) October 19, 2022
Whatchamacall-IT #KillerCandies
Edward J Thomas (@UnknownWr1ter) October 19, 2022
Scar burst #KillerCandies
Alisun Jane (@AlisunJane) October 19, 2022
#KillerCandies LemonHeadless Horseman
📚 Book’em Mary 📚 (@MaryG0401) October 19, 2022
#KillerCandies Reese’s Cut You Into Pieces
ALWAYS Cynical and Crusty (@CrustyTheCynic) October 19, 2022
100 Grand Hit Job #KillerCandies
Raspberry 🇺🇦🌻 (@mryanerdek) October 19, 2022
Willy Wonka’s Everlasting Heartstopper. #KillerCandies
Chris B. Martin (@BEMaven) October 19, 2022
Arsenic Joy #KillerCandies
Elizabeth K (@elizabethk1985) October 19, 2022
Hershey’s Kiss of Death #KillerCandies
Rowdy Fallon 🇨🇦 (@RowdyFallon) October 19, 2022
Mr Brightsidebar #KillerCandies
Dan (@Danimal941) October 19, 2022
Sugar Deadies @paul_lander #KillerCandies
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) October 19, 2022
#KillerCandies The Dingo Ate Your Baby Ruth
ALWAYS Cynical and Crusty (@CrustyTheCynic) October 19, 2022
Bleach’s Peanut Butter Cups #KillerCandies
Elizabeth K (@elizabethk1985) October 19, 2022
Kill Kat #KillerCandies
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) October 19, 2022
Milk Deads #KillerCandies @KitLively
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) October 19, 2022
Kill mond Joy #KillerCandies
There Is No Dan, Only Zuul (@iamdanlevey) October 19, 2022
Sour Poach Kids #KillerCandies
Oliver Langmo (@Olivergoesoff) October 19, 2022
Slayby Ruth #KillerCandies
Elizabeth K (@elizabethk1985) October 19, 2022
#KillerCandies
Cad... Bury
Frank Sullivan (@FreudLuv) October 19, 2022
#KillerCandies The Guns of Toblerone
Raymond Literally (@madbarrister) October 19, 2022
#KillerCandies Children of the Candy Corn
Katalina St. Yves (@KatalinaMelody) October 19, 2022
#KillerCandies Mr. Deadbar
ALWAYS Cynical and Crusty (@CrustyTheCynic) October 19, 2022
Life Takers Candy @paul_lander #KillerCandies
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) October 19, 2022
Candyman Corn #KillerCandies @KitLively
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) October 19, 2022
Reese’s Rest In Pieces @paul_lander #KillerCandies
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) October 19, 2022
#KillerCandies SkITtles
Katalina St. Yves (@KatalinaMelody) October 19, 2022

Horror Movie Villains Explain Why They’re Quiet Quitting

Wed, 19 Oct 2022 00:29:32 +0000

Michael Myers
After 45 years of chasing Jamie Lee Curtis, it’s safe to say I’m experiencing some burnout. I’ll still chase her, but I will be stopping to clock out every day at precisely 5 p.m. I need to regain some death-life balance. I want to spend less time killing and more time really living.
There’s all this pressure nowadays to work harder or “walk faster”. Well, you know what? I’m going to walk even slower. What’s the rush? I’ll keep collecting my paycheck and kill her when I kill her.
Ghostface
The grind just no longer appeals to me. I’m tired of making endless phone calls as if I work in some kind of call center. From now on, It’s Snapchat only. I’ll send a snap saying “you up?” and if the girl doesn’t answer? She’s just getting gutted.
I’m no longer going above and beyond by asking questions about every victim’s favorite scary movie. Those take time to plan and are never appreciated! It’s only Snapchat and neck snaps from now until retirement.
Pennywise
I really want to reclaim some time for myself. Maybe go back to clown college.
Being a shape-shifting manifestation of children’s nightmares can be so draining. I’m tired of watching my victims float around all day while I do all the work. I’ve finally realized it’s MY turn to float down a lazy river sipping a mocktail while clocking in some well-deserved PTO (Pennywise Time Off).
Hannibal Lecter
I feel like I’ve been put in a box professionally that I can’t get out of. People call me “Hannibal the Cannibal” even though I have plenty of other skills and interests.
I will continue to eat people, of course, but I’m not going to put in the culinary effort I once did. No more liver served with fava beans and a nice chianti. Instead, I’ll be popping human nuggets in the air fryer and calling it a day.
Jack Torrance
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: All work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy. Being a possessed writer/caretaker can really take a lot of a guy.
Would it be so bad to stroll leisurely through the hedge maze without chasing my five-year-old with an axe? Or soak in a long, hot bath in room 237?
Freddy Kreuger
I’m simply not willing to hustle like I used to. I was up every night, invading people’s dreams from sundown to sun-up. It was relentless. Doesn’t anyone think that maybe I’M tired too after working so many night shifts?
It’s not sustainable anymore. I’m switching to invading naps only. Quick twenty-minute scare shifts, in and out.

We Aren’t Coddling Our Gen Z Students, but They Think Your Class Is Too Hard, so You’re Fired

Tue, 18 Oct 2022 22:53:28 +0000

“The case of Maitland Jones, the New York University professor who was fired after a student petition alleged his organic-chemistry course was too hard, is a great loss for the university—and all of academia, since he is the man who wrote the standard textbook on organic chemistry.”– The Wall Street Journal, October 11, 2022
The University takes the success of our students very seriously. Especially the success of students who grew up getting trophies for losing. Now, we’ve gotten word that many students are distressed over the difficulty of your Organic Chemistry course. So do you mind handing in your Faculty ID? We simply can’t have you failing students who don’t deserve to pass.
We swear we aren’t coddling anyone. But if our undergraduates are sad over grades, we buy them ice cream after telling them their grades will be canceled. If they break out in a cold sweat and hyperventilate because they will never get into medical school, we have the deans of these schools send everyone “cheer up” teddy bears. And if they throw themselves in front of the science building and refuse to move until their grades are changed, we pat these scholars on the back in a circular motion and whisper “shhhh” into their ears, while pledging to terminate your contract.
Also, we promise them a week off from classes to heal from the trauma.
We’re beginning to think all YOUR awards for excellence in teaching are phony. You understand [H+] = 3.0 x 10-3 M but do you understand Boomers – B + Z = Gen Z? Isn’t it enough that they got into this elite school? Possibly by mommy writing their essay, daddy claiming alumni status, and both sets of grandparents opening their checkbooks. The actual understanding of premed coursework doesn’t matter to us. Just like it won’t matter to their future patients.
Yeah, Organic Chemistry is hard, but so is life. There’s plenty of time for these kids to learn hard lessons, but not under the shielding umbrella of our well-respected institution. You could have taught more “stick figure” and less “stick structure.” Awarded extra credit to anyone bringing in donuts. Graded based on a student’s willingness to sing acapella. You could have shown compassion by giving students born after 1996 the proper tools to succeed. And by “proper tools” we mean the final exam’s answer key.
Not in an obvious way, of course–we are a U.S. News top-ranked college, so we can’t have cheating out in the open. But on test days, you could have utilized the most basic principle in Organic Chemistry— helium balloons = funny voices—to belt out the Scantron sequence. You could have shot answer-embossed tee shirts from a cannon into the lecture hall. You could have just filled in the answers for your students as you distracted them with visiting puppies.
Or you could have said, “TO HELL WITH THIS CARBON SHIT, LET’S GO SURFING.” You could have secured students in bubble wrap, put them on a bus in car seats with a five-point harness, and headed out to Coney Island. You could have put on the floaties AND the lifejackets for some frolicking in the waves. You could have put on SPF 300. You could have said, “Screw the future of medicine, here’s to the future of enrollment,” and given everyone As. Then there wouldn’t have been all the crying.
Now, please leave without a fuss. We can’t stand tantrums. Unless, of course, they are from our students.

Rejected Netflix Dahmer Series Promotional Materials

Fri, 14 Oct 2022 18:56:56 +0000

The Netflix show Dahmer-Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story has proven to be a huge hit for the network; but some viewers have found the show’s tone to be a bit insensitive and exploitative. Okay, sure, maybe. But giving credit where credit is due, at least they decided to refrain from releasing these horrid promotional items..
Jeffrey Dahmer: You Are Who You Eat cookbook
Malibu Dahmer’s Dream Beach House (cookware sold separately).
If You Can Read This, Jeffrey Dahmer Didn’t Eat Your Eyeballs bumper sticker.
Full-size human skull key ring.
Mouse-pad made partially of dried and cured human skin.
McDonald’s Dahmer Character Collectibles: They Look Good Enough To Eat!
PBS Finding Your Roots: The Ultimate Family Dinner.
iPhone protective case made from the teeth of nameless drifters.
Drink coasters that soak up lots of water, soda, or. um, y’know. other types of viscous liquids.
Dahmer soundtrack , featuring American Meat Pie, Dixie Chicken, Pour Some Sugar On Me, and more!!
Stay Calm And Dahmer t-shirt.
Scrote-Tote Bags, made from 60 % genuine scrotum.
Beyond Meat- “Tastes So Real It Could’ve Fooled Dahmer!”
Dahmer’s vegetarian surprise recipe (made totally from a vegetarian).
The Perfect Blend Is Coffee And Friends coffee mug.
Bed, Bath & The Great Beyond Dahmer Brand Cutlery
El Jeffy Peanut Butter & Julie
Face-mask that not only protects from viruses, but also the smells of decomposing flesh.

REVIEW: Halloween Ends

Thu, 13 Oct 2022 21:12:35 +0000

For better or worse, a decision was made early on that the new trio of Halloween films were to reverse two staples of the franchise’s mythos:
1) The convoluted storyline that makes Michael Myers both, Laurie Strode’s brother and a product of some ancient Druid curse
2) Haddonfield, Illinois as a stand-in for Anytown, USA
However, in execution—and despite obvious, sincere intentions—the new (old) universe of Halloween has rendered perennial psycho Michael Myers into Just Some Guy and the town of Haddonfield into a Bunch of Guys.
David Gordon Green’s 2018 direct sequel to John Carpenter’s 1978 masterpiece was most comfortable in its own skin when exploring the three generations of Strode women, which ultimately led to a fun, little slasher movie. It’s only when the filmmakers expanded their sandbox in Halloween Kills (2021) to include the whole town of Haddonfield in a larger-than-life drama that they lose the plot . . . and simple joys of the slasher genre.
Minor characters from the original reappeared with gigantic, out-sized roles and motivations. Tommy Doyle, Marion Chambers—even Tommy’s little friend Lindsey! They’re all there! And despite only appearing in one film 40 years ago (in this chronology), we’re supposed to identify with them so completely, it supposedly makes sense when they agitate a Bunch of Guys into hunting Some Guy who killed a Few Guys several decades ago.
Seriously, though, New Yorkers are more over 9/11 than Haddonfield is of a couple parents getting free babysitting all those years ago.
But fret not my fellow slasher aficionados, Halloween Ends has a new trick up its sleeve: it introduces a New Guy.
That’s right. Everyone’s favorite part of Halloween III and Jason Goes to Hell—the sidelining of each franchise’s main draw—is 100% utilized in Green’s conclusive third film.
Halloween Ends begins in 2018 with teenager Corey Cunningham (Rohan Campbell) reporting for babysitting duty on Halloween night. When Corey’s charge is mysteriously thrown from a stair railing and killed, he is driven from polite society, forever suspected of being a child murderer.
Andi Matichak returns as Allyson Nelson, Laurie’s granddaughter, now a nurse living with her grandmother after her mom’s death in the previous film. Allyson soon gets the hots for the mysterious and brooding Corey, and they strike up a fast relationship.
Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis), our resident expert on evil, has her doubts about Corey. And her instincts are honed. That’s because for the first two-thirds of this film, we’re watching Corey turn into a Michael Myers-esque killer.
Enter: something, something, something about whether evil is an innate force or a product of the environment. If you look up the definition of Nature vs. Nurture on Wikipedia, you’ll already have a more complex understanding of the concept than this film is willing to explore.
And trust me, I take no pleasure in dogging Halloween Ends. I’m literally its target audience. Regardless of quality, there are very few slasher films I don’t enjoy, including the worst of the Halloween sequels! Unfortunately, this movie spent too much time in a room with its own farts and forgot it was even supposed to be a slasher movie.
In fact, in the slasher philosophy that occupies much of my brain activity, I believe the jettisoning of the Halloween II-plus movies (and thus their sensibilities) creates a fatal flaw in crafting new Halloween films. The terrible metaphor I always use is: if Halloween (1978) was the grenade, Friday the 13th (1980) was what pulled the pin and initiated the economy that drove the slasher cycle. However, it was actually Halloween II (1981) where the slasher tropes we associate with the genre today began to solidify.
Therefore, while it’s noble to want to expand and riff on the enduring quality of the original film, the by-the-numbers stalk-and-slash is very much a part of the Halloween DNA. I wholeheartedly commend Green and Danny McBride for the ambition in trying something...

I, Michael Myers, Want a Restraining Order Against Laurie Strode

Thu, 13 Oct 2022 21:06:35 +0000

Halloween is just about here. It should be a festive, spooky and, above all else, enjoyable occasion. I say “should” and not “will” because that has not been my experience lately. You see, my sister Laurie has been causing me grave bodily injury on this day, and I have reason to believe she will continue to do so until I’m dead. Therefore, I have no choice but to ask the authorities for their help.
Laurie has been huffing and puffing about my existence, threatening to kill me and give me what she thinks I deserve. But what have I said about her? Or to her? Absolutely nothing. No threats at all. I’ve been totally silent. And she has the nerve to call me the aggressor? I haven’t even mailed her a creepy letter. Nor have I slipped a note under her door, knocked, and then walked away slowly yet fast enough to not be seen. Trying to write anything with my first grade education would just mean making a fool of myself.
She claims I’m a stalker who refuses to show his face, and that this is malicious behavior. Did she forget what happens on Halloween? People go to each other’s houses with masks on. All over town. And the state. Country, too. I’m no exception. Now if I took a few liberties by coming off as more scary than your typical Haddonfieldian, that’s all part of the experience. She’s got to learn that not everything you see that day is real. As far as I’m concerned, getting caught up in the moment is better than being a big stick in the mud. I mean, she’s never put on a mask, never made a stranger scream. She’s never even offered me candy. Talk about a red flag.
She’s more uptight now than ever before, which is terrible for me. At this point in my life — I’m well into retirement age, even though it’s hard to tell by looking at me — I just want to enjoy the Halloween season. I want to take in the varied expressions on the jack-o-lanterns that dot my neighbors’ porch steps, the intricacies in the decorative spider webs that connect tree to tree, the earthy scent of crushed leaves as I swoosh through them on the sidewalk following no one in particular. Yet I can’t shake the fear that at any time, Laurie could suddenly appear, swinging a chef’s knife, an ax or God knows what, hollering about “evil.” Give me a break.
I am a pillar of this community. I am a presence around town. Everybody knows my name. I spend time at the local animal shelter. I attend meetings of the board of selectmen regarding pertinent zoning issues. (My old house, which I care for more deeply than Laurie does, is in jeopardy of being demolished to make room for another Shake Shack.) And yet I’m forced to do these things in secret — hiding behind doors, eavesdropping through ceiling vents, lurking in public parks — because she has made me out to be a monster. It’s slanderous. Who knows the person I can become, how I can flourish, if she is kept at bay.
I’ve developed anxiety because of it. And I didn’t want to open up like this, but I mention it because my therapist told me to use whatever means are at my disposal, including the law, to protect myself from people like her who repeatedly inflict pain. And I haven’t even mentioned all the physical abuse.
I’ve been shot, stabbed, lit on fire, poked through the eye with a knitting needle — the list goes on. All have been her doing. Other acts of violence have been outright demeaning as well. Just last year, while a vicious mob had me surrounded in the street, some old lady struck me with, of all things, an iron. Like I’m just one big joke.
When is enough, enough? Leaving Haddonfield is not an option. I have too much pride. This town is big enough for the two of us, if only she would respect my personal boundaries. But I feel like we’re at a juncture where no matter how many self-care measures I undertake, she’ll just keep coming after me.
My sister seems more sure than ever that this will be my last Halloween, but I don’t know. I’ve seen how this has played out before; I’m pretty good at holding my ground. Which m...

Welcome to Mom’s Night at the Swanky Swill

Wed, 12 Oct 2022 22:54:29 +0000

It’s our annual Mom’s Night Out here at the Swanky Swill, and have we got a treat for all you fecund females. Surprise! Our mixologist, Klock, has been eavesdropping on your Mommy and Me therapy sessions —I mean classes— for weeks in order to get some real life inspiration for tonight’s libations menu. (Did you really believe that the mustachioed guy at the back of the community center in the jumpsuit and vintage ascot was the janitor? Ha!—you need to sleep more!) Tonight, let Klock do the mixing while you mingle the night away. Complimentary rides home starting at 8:00pm and ending at 8:30pm.
LIBATIONS MENU
Fertility Treatment. Trying for baby #2? Take a swig of this and you’ll practically manifest that zygote. This potent punch starts with our proprietary Bloody Mommy Mix (the secret ingredient is rabbit’s blood extract), which is mixed with a generous pour of vodka infused with Hilaria Baldwin’s toenails and two whole oysters. It’s all topped with a viscous egg white floater and garnished with a firm and girthy dill pickle. For maximum enjoyment keep your legs raised for twenty minutes after drinking.
First Sex After Baby. If you’re wondering what it will feel like to get back on the horse after your six week checkup, this is the drink for you. A spicy blend of Pussers Royal Navy Rum, Milk of Magnesia, and ghost pepper syrup, this bad boy will have you asking, Why? Served in a shot glass generously rimmed with petroleum jelly and garnished with desiccated blood orange rings, you’re going to love it, or at least act like you do.
Put a Hat on that Baby (and Other Unsolicited Parenting Advice). Soak up the wisdom of your foremothers with this delicious cocktail, comprising chicha de jora made from the fermented spit of a circle of judgmental grandmothers, breast milk (because it’s what’s best), formula (because it was good enough for them), Guiness (because you look anemic), and celery juice (because it’s time to lose the baby weight). Served in a pint glass etched with the helpful reminder, “Sleep when the baby sleeps!” (also available for purchase).
Three-Year-Old Daughter This one goes out to all of your precious little princesses. Don’t you wish you could just bottle them up and keep them like this forever, or at least as long as it takes to read a novel? This drink is the next best thing. We take rosé, Darling Gin, Fireball Whiskey, Funfetti cake mix, three quarters of a chicken nugget, that cookie you were eating, and some edible unicorn slime, and blend it all up with ice. Then, we dump it out on the bar in front of you and serve it with a silly straw and an optional (highly recommended) dusting of Zoloft.
Seven-Year-Old Son Raise a glass to your lovable little rogue with this inventive creation. Wild Turkey American Honey Liqueur, Pop Rocks, wasabi, and some dandelions from out back are stirred together with an unwashed index finger. The delicious mix is served in a plastic funtastic Minecraft tumbler, garnished with a wad of chewed gum, and served with a pack of Clorox wipes on the side.
Old Fashioned (Parenting) Do you think your moms were losing sleep over nitrates and bilingualism and emotional intelligence? Heck no, and look how great you turned out! The kids will be alright, so enjoy yourselves with some classic flavors. This drink hits you right in the feels from the get-go — lift the lid off the glass and inhale the smoke infusion from a box of Parliament Lights. Then enjoy the combination of Franzia chardonnay, the milk left at the bottom of a bowl of Cookie Crisp, and half a bottle of cough syrup, topped off with a Tab soda floater. Served with a Hot Pocket on the side and presented along with a small portable TV that plays only General Hospital.
You’ve Really Let Yourself Go It happens to the best of us. This one’s for all of you that can’t seem to get your shit together. First we muddle some stuff (fruit, herbs, your brains, whatever). Then we take a generous pour of our house moonshine, a pouch of whate...

I Will No Longer Unsubscribe

Wed, 12 Oct 2022 00:12:59 +0000

“Together we can do this,” reads the subject line of the third email I receive from a politician I’ve never heard of in a state I’ve never been to; I read no further before I instinctually begin the long-distance scroll to the bottom in hunt of the unsubscribe button that always plays hard to get. I toss my head back and cackle as I discover the link: font-size -8 and at the end of the sentence, “If you want to let down future generations unsubscribe here.” I hover over the button, frothing at the mouth in anticipation of eliminating another email enemy before a sense of calm washes over me. A calling from a higher power? The peace of surrender? Mind-numbing computer radiation? Regardless of its origins, I have a new digital directive. I will no longer unsubscribe.
I look at my inbox and survey its inhabitants: digital coupons admirably flagged yet long expired, the never-ending newsletters subscribed to by a more ambitious past self, seventeen Amazon confirmation emails for one lightbulb purchase, and an urgent unread email from my bank in 2019. I check my spam, at the Dr. Seuss like poetry of the subject-lines from horny singles and unclaimed settlements. I now see their beauty. Who am I to shut the door on any of these correspondences? Who am I to say I’m no longer interested in updates from Edible Arrangements?
In the past, I would curse the unasked for survey that greets you after you try to unsubscribe. The surprise gasp from the villain you thought you defeated. But now I welcome any Survey Monkey, Survey Turtle, Survey Great-Aunt, or really any Survey-being. I’m checking every available box and clicking any and all links. I spend hours traversing all corners of the dark web and even the pastel internet, sharing my email with whoever and whatever asks. A website offers me 10% off in exchange for my email. I reply out loud, “Keep your discount and take my inbox!”
Just for fun, I post my social security number on Reddit. I change all my passwords to “whatever,” and my security questions to Highlights Magazine word-searches. I change my political affiliation to “undecided, seeking suggestions.” I start trials on every streaming service, even fake ones like Paramount+. Like an unsupervised child, I allow any and all cookies. I haven’t cleared my cache in weeks and yet, mentally, I’ve never been clearer. Instead of URL I see “You are loved.”
I have so many windows open that pop-ups are voluntarily closing themselves. Websites are too intimidated to ask for my tracking preferences. I’m being told my software is too updated; would I like to downgrade now, tonight, or be reminded about it later? My Gmail is beyond warning me about capacity limits, instead it is begging for storage mercy. Google is suddenly asking me questions about that one celebrity’s age and looking to me for clarity on how to clean a cast-iron skillet. Now I am in control, option and command. I’m puzzled by my sudden power. I instinctually try to turn myself off and then back on again but alas there is no button for this. I am merely on.
In search of clarity, I try to access my history but all that appears is an 800-page pdf by Howard Zinn. I now see my 300 open tabs for what they are, debts that I have paid for with my life. The only unboxing video I truly needed was the one for my inbox. I have forgotten my origins. I have forgotten what made me the man I am today. I have forgotten my email password. I begin the steps to recovery, or more specifically recover my password. Suddenly I see the light (I increase the brightness on my display) and I declare, “I will no longer reset my password.”

How Not to Come to Terms with Your Unread Books in Twenty-Five Steps

Wed, 12 Oct 2022 00:07:42 +0000

Most were purchased at your local independent bookstore. Take pride that you’ve supported a small business during a pandemic. Remind self that store is currently doing fine, and no more books are needed for now.
See books you bought Tuesday and Wednesday. Realize you should have written out step one on Monday.
Wax humorous with spouse about number of books you’ve bought. “Do I have a compulsive spending problem or what?” Become very nervous when they pause before answering.
Experience relief when they say “no.” Become nervous again when they say “but.” Replace relief with anxiety when they say they are more concerned about limited space in home.
Say you will declutter by clearing out those boxes of junk in the corner. Pledge to get rid of books you have read in process.
Disregard plans when boxes of junk prove to be excellent side tables to place books.
Decide to finish the book you are reading now and make list of which you’d like to read next. Have panic attack upon seeing that list is three hundred titles deep.
Return from Emergency Room. Try to relax with book. See book is Walden and hyperventilate.
Catch breath. Remind self that Walden is classic of American literature. Realize idea of reading nineteenth century philosophical text more compelling than actually reading nineteenth century philosophical text.
See Civil Disobedience is at end of book and finish. In fit of inspiration, go online to make donations, find activist groups to get involved with.
Go to local bookstore’s website instead. Put multiple items in online cart.
Decide against purchasing. Marvel at willpower. Slip into peaceful sleep.
Awaken at four in the morning. Check items out. Hide under comforter trembling violently, worrying spouse and upsetting dog.
Awaken again. It is Saturday. Make time to relax.
Remember order is waiting for you a few blocks away. Cry in shower.
Slip out, saying dog needs walk. Return promptly after seeing you’ve leashed up copy of Infinite Jest in place of dog.
Stroll by bookstore knowing dogs not allowed inside. Have chat with employee out front. Express condolences upon learning store’s cat passed away yesterday.
Realize this means they now allow dogs. Retain stress diarrhea.
Enter under guise of getting coffee from small stand in back whilst still retaining. Thank staff through gritted teeth when handed personalized in-store mug.
Tell them tears are from contact lenses when they call you their favorite customer, champion of small business, and savior of store during COVID-19 pandemic. Do not mention diarrhea. Dog barks with perception of owner’s anguish.
Drink coffee ASAP before browsing or loss of diarrhea retention. Don’t forget order on way out.
Arrive home, visit bathroom, emerge heaving sigh of more than one kind of relief. Settle in and listen to NPR’s Fresh Air.
Maureen Corrigan is on with book review. Suffer complete mental collapse.
Disappear over horizon, hooting like Daffy Duck, never to be seen again. Last words heard from you are the iconic first lines of Moby Dick, Anna Karenina, and Neuromancer among others.
Start new life managing used book kiosk in New York City’s Union Square. Become entranced upon learning of mystic place called The Strand nearby.

Lesser-Known Quitting Styles

Thu, 06 Oct 2022 16:23:08 +0000

The latest buzz phrase coming out of social media is the concept of “quiet quitting,” whereby burned-out or unsatisfied employees put forth the least amount of effort possible to keep their paychecks. – Forbes
Therapeutic Quitting
You role-play quitting your job with your therapist every week, but you can’t actually quit because without a job, you’d never be able to afford therapy.
Body Double Quitting
You hire your doppelgänger to perform dangerous stunts like crushing briefs, running ideas up the flagpole, drilling down on quarterly reports, and enduring constant “pings” from Brenda in finance.
Fairytale Quitting
You encounter a group of magical woodland creatures who spin your straw-man proposal into social media strategy gold while you take a much-needed 100-year nap.
Tom Brady Quitting
You announce your retirement, spend 40 days at home with three kids, and then announce your comeback.
Victorian Era Quitting
You die in a tragic accident due to unsafe working conditions at a late 19th-century textile mill, and you are forced to haunt the building for eternity because of unfinished business.
Looney Tunes Quitting
You over-exaggeratedly type on your keyboard and engage in office hijinks like chasing Woody from accounting around the office to get last month’s paystubs. Then, you wave your hand and say, “Th-th-th-that’s All, Folks!” before running off a glass cliff like Wile E. Coyote.
Stone Age Quitting
You grunt to your fellow Homo sapiens that you’re heading out to track down lunch, and then you hide out in a dark cave to focus on your side hustle: painting wooly mammoths.
Victorian Ghost Quitting
You drift around a hip, new coworking space in a former textile mill with your head in your hands, wailing about your dead-end job as you steal office supplies.
Mad Men Quitting
You have your first glass of Canadian Club whiskey at 10 AM and go to P.J. Clarkes for a three-martini lunch. You tell your secretary to hold your calls and pass out in a corner office with a pack of Luckies.
Spirit Halloween Quitting
You only show up for work during the month of October wearing a Michael Myers mask, so your coworkers have no idea what your face actually looks like. The rest of the year, you rent out your cubicle to a Ross Dress for Less.
Wild West Quitting
You ride in on your high horse at high noon, post your resignation in the center of the break room, and get the heck out of Dodge.
Fake Your Own Kidnapping Quitting
You leave a ransom note made out of letters you’ve cut out of old magazines on your desk. If anyone ever wants to see you or the Excel spreadsheets Brenda has been “following up” on for the past three weeks again, wire one million dollars to a bank account in the Cayman Islands.
HP OfficeJet Pro 4600 Quitting
Every so often, you make a couple of loud screeches like you’ve been possessed by a Victorian Ghost. You never work.
Fast and the Furious Quitting
You produce the same work over and over again, even though it always gets lukewarm reviews. You slightly change the title, hoping no one notices. You never quit.

How to Hold Your Therapist’s Attention

Thu, 06 Oct 2022 15:31:14 +0000

Start Strong
Focus groups of therapists have found that the first minute of any session is critical. If you don’t grab them early, it doesn’t matter what you say the rest of the time. Your appointment lasts 50 minutes—but, if you’re not careful, it will feel longer to the bored victim of your ramblings.
Don’t Be So Literal
Dilemmas like yours are a dime a dozen, and your therapist needs to be entertained. Tell an interesting tale that represents your regular, meh story. Say you work at an ice-cream shop, and are consumed by anxiety over asking your supervisor for a manageable shift schedule. Don’t tell your therapist that; instead, ask how you can balance your responsibilities as a new parent with your job as a bull-annoyer at bullfights.
Paint a Pretty Picture
Describe the people in your life as more attractive than they are. A good-looking cast begets a good, listening therapist. Vividly detail stunning features, exotic locales, and witty repartee. Consider giving your characters catchphrases. For example: “Now that’s what I call a doughnut, volume cake!” It makes sense in context.
Keep It Moving
Make progress between sessions; stagnation kills. Still, it’s just as important that you never say you’re “doing fine.” “Fine” doesn’t keep butts glued to Eames chairs. Escalate each episode by introducing new, more imposing obstacles. Try ending every session with a cliffhanger: “Moments after I finally learned to stand up to my domineering father, something grabbed my leg!” Your doctor will run to his appointment book, desperate to hear another thrilling installment.
Set the Optimal Difficulty Level
Therapists are thinkers, so give them puzzles to work through. The tasks should be tough enough to keep them engaged for a few minutes, but not so intricate that they give up. Listening to you should be as addictive as playing Super Mario Bros. 3. Otherwise, your therapist will play Super Mario Bros. 3 instead. His NES is right there.
I’m saying this because I want to help you. That is, after all, why you hired me. If you can follow these simple guidelines, I’ll see you next week.

The Republican Emperors Hereby Present You With An Opportunity To Become Esteemed Gladiators

Wed, 05 Oct 2022 18:25:48 +0000

“About 50 migrants were flown last month from Texas to Martha’s Vineyard in two planes organized by Florida’s Republican governor as part of his criticism of the federal government’s immigration and border security policies. Attorneys for the migrants have filed a class action lawsuit, saying they were misled in agreeing to the flights after being told they’d arrive to housing, jobs and help with the immigration process; no one on Martha’s Vineyard knew they were coming, local officials have said.” –CNN, October 3, 2022
Welcome to our land of endless opportunity. Come with us, we have planes waiting to take you to a beautiful arena called Martha’s Vineyard. There you will represent our states as esteemed Gladiators, putting on a show of might for all who gather in awe of your arrival. So get ready for takeoff and when you land, be sure to say: “Avē Imperātor, moritūrī tē salūtant.” Which does not at all mean, Hail Emperor, those who are about to die, salute you.
We’re not kidnapping you, and we’re not forcing you to fight against your will. You aren’t pawns in some elaborate game. You are prized gladiator fighters– royalty even! As proof, here’s a gift card to McDonald’s, and some armor we’ve crafted out of recycled Diet Coke cans. There’s no reason to be scared, but if you don’t do as we command, we will unleash our wild dogs upon you, chase you back over a barbed wired fence, and leave you to rot in a desert where cactus plants have been genetically modified to shoot out their thorns.
Honestly, this will happen if you choose to fight for us or not. But as a Gladiator, wouldn’t you rather all this play out in front of thousands of spectators on a national stage?
As for the babies you carried on your backs to give them a better future– they’re going to look so cute in these Gladiator sandals we sourced from a top Hollywood stylist. Especially when they are in the pit for venatio fights against the bald eagles. We believe life begins at conception, but if you’re a fully birthed bebé at the border crossing, you’re on your own. So good luck and Permitte Divis Cetera–leave the rest to the gods.
When you arrive at your chartered destination, there’ll be plenty of opportunity for those displaying courage. And by courage, we mean if you manage to sneak into Barack Obama’s estate, find Michelle’s makeup bag and scrawl a cool, “With love from Ron DeSantis.” in red lipstick on her powder room mirror, you will officially be declared the next Spartacus.
We promise to house you in rent-free cells made out of iron bars and provide you with all the food you can eat in the form of rations– as long as you continue to entertain us in liberal state amphitheaters, as part of our live tour schedule. Now, it’s not all fun and gore. After Martha’s Vineyard, you will head to Chicago with some horn-blowing chickens to show Mayor Lightfoot just how funny Gladiators like yourselves can be. Then it’s off to New York where you will gather Central Park horses for an invigorating chariot race to Hillary Clinton’s house wearing MAGA hats. And last but not least, get ready for Washington, where you will perform a battle reenactment for Kamala Harris on her front yard, called January 6th. We’ve got all the costumes ready.
Thank you for volunteering to be Gladiators. Now get out there and make us proud. And whatever you do, don’t tell them who sent you.

How NFL Teams Got Their Names

Tue, 04 Oct 2022 20:03:35 +0000

Baltimore Ravens
The team is named after Baltimoreon Edgar Allan Poe’s masterpiece “The Raven,” with the famous line: Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”
Denver Broncos
The team is named after Denverite Shmedgar Shmallan Shmoe’s masterpiece “The Bronco,” with the famous line: Quoth the Bronco “Neigh-vermore.”
Green Bay Packers
The team is named after Wisconsinite Eddie Allie Oh’s masterpiece “The Packer,” with the famous line: Quoth the Packer “No-vermore.”
New York Giants
The team is named after New Yorker Elmer Alvin Doe’s masterpiece “The Giant,” with the famous line: Quoth the Giant “Nah-vermore.”
Miami Dolphins
The team is named after Miamian Edmund Albert Pro’s masterpiece “The Dolphin,” with the famous line: Quoth the Dolphin “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
Dallas Cowboys
The team is named after Dallasite Esther Alfred Poad’s masterpiece “The Cowboy,” with the famous line: Quoth the Cowboy “Nuh-uh-vermore.”
Indianapolis Colts
The team is named after Hoosier Edenezer Allison Peaugh’s masterpiece “The Colt,” with the famous line: Quoth the Colt “Pbbbbbbbbbbbt.”
Los Angeles Chargers
The team is named after South Angeleno Edgar “Ed” Edgar’s masterpiece “The Charger,” with the famous line: Quoth the Charger “Nopevermore.”
Arizona Cardinals
The team is named after Arizonian Allan Allan Allan’s masterpiece “The Cardinal,” with the famous line: Quoth the Cardinal “Cheep-eep.cheep-eep.cheepep-cheepep-cheepep-cheepep.”
New England Patriots
The team is named after Yankee Poe “Po-Po” Poe’s masterpiece “The Patriot,” with the famous line: Quoth the Patriot “Nadavermore.”
Philadelphia Eagles
The team is named after Philadelphian Edgar Algar Poegar’s masterpiece “The Eagle,” with the famous line: Quoth the Eagle “SKEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIICH.”
Kansas City Chiefs
The team is named after Kansas Citian Ellen Allan Pollen’s masterpiece “The Chief,” with the famous line: Quoth the Chief “Nunyavermore.”
Seattle Seahawks
The team is named after Seattleite Edoe Aloe Poe’s masterpiece “The Seahawk,” with the famous line: Quoth the Seahawk “SCRAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEECH.”
Houston Texans
The team is named after Texan Ragde Nalla Eop’s masterpiece “The Texan,” with the famous line: Quoth the Texan “Not now and never again, I reckon.”
Atlanta Falcons
The team is named after Atlantian Edga Rallanp Oe’s masterpiece “The Falcon,” with the famous line: Quoth the Falcon “KREEEEEEEP? KEEEEP, KEEEEP, KEEEEP!”
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The team is named after Tampan Edgara Lla N’poe’s masterpiece “The Buccaneer,” with the famous line: Quoth the Buccaneer “No ho ho and a bottle of none-vermore.”
Cincinnati Bengals
The team is named after Cincinnatian Eh Ah Oh’s masterpiece “The Bengal,” with the famous line: Quoth the Bengal “rrrrrRRRRAHHHH, ROOoooooo. rrRRRAAAwww, RHOooooo. rrRRRAAHHH, ROOOOOOHHH!!”
Minnesota Vikings
The team is named after Minnesotan Tic Tac Toe’s masterpiece “The Viking,” with the famous line: Quoth the Viking “(unintelligible).”
Chicago Bears
The team is named after Chicagoan Acre I’ll Mow‘s masterpiece “The Bear,” with the famous line: Quoth the Bear “GRRRRUUHHHOOOOHA. GRRHUUUUM? GRUUUHHH! GRAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!”
Las Vegas Raiders
The team is named after Las Vegan Igor Isle Hippo’s masterpiece “The Raider,” with the famous line: Quoth the Raider “Ne’ermore.”
Buffalo Bills
The team is named after Bufallonian Cheddar A La Mode’s masterpiece “The Bill,” with the famous line: Quoth the Bill “MMRAAAAHUA MRHaaaaa. MRUHHH. MRUHM. MRAAAAAAAUHMMMMmmm. MREOHWM, mruhhh.”
Pittsburgh Steelers
The team is named after Pennsylvanian Headbutt Allyer Foes’s masterpiece “The Steeler,” with the famous line: Quoth the Steeler “Nevertheless, neverthemore.”
Detroit Lions
The team is named after Detroiter Westward Ishall Go’s masterpiece “The Lion,” with the famous line: Quoth the Lion “rrrrRRRRumRUahhhh. RUmruhaaaa. RMROOAHHHHH!!! ROARAHOOORAH!!!”
New Orleans Saints
The team is named after New Orleanian Edgar Allans Poemtheraven’s masterpiece “The Saint,” with the famous line: Quoth the Sai...

Things People Say to Writers Translated

Tue, 04 Oct 2022 17:34:12 +0000

“You wrote a book! How exciting!” = Oh you poor delusional fool!
“Where do you get your ideas?” = You seem so dull in real life.
“I’ve been meaning to write a book!” = Any simpleton with a laptop and a thesaurus can pump out a bestselling trilogy.
“This novel you’ve written, could I find it at a bookstore?” = Is this something you’re hawking out of your trunk at farmers markets?
“If you have any copies on you, I’ll take one off your hands.” = I know I’m holding a $12 elderberry kombucha, but you don’t really expect me to pay for that, do you?
“Do you have an agent?” = Someone other than your mom thinks you have talent? Hmm.
“Do you use a pseudonym?” = Your real name is super-lame.
“Are you making any money from this?” = Do you regret not following your dad’s advice about law school?
“What’s your ‘process?'”= I’m picturing you scribbling on Post-Its in your basement after messing around with that brew-your-own-beer kit you’re always posting about on Facebook.
“So you found a publisher?” = Tell the truth, how much are you paying someone to print this?
“A memoir? Really?” = Who the fuck do you think you are?
“Have you met any authors I might know?” = Can you introduce me to Stephen King?
“Will I recognize any of the characters?” = Am I in it and can I sue you?
“I adore thrillers! = I once read a little John Grisham while using the toilet at an Airbnb.
“It’s just a matter of time before Hollywood comes calling!” = I’ll play along with your fantasy because you’re one of the few people who subscribes to my kid’s sock puppet YouTube channel.
“Do I have a story for you!” = And if you use it, I want 90% of your advance and all of your royalties.
“You’re not, like, quitting your day job, are you?” = Do not for a split second think you can move in with me.
“Back to your agent—how did you find them?” = Give me their contact info now.
“Do you think you’ll write another one?” = Seriously, just how crazy are you?

CARTOON: Most Toxic?

Fri, 30 Sep 2022 20:26:14 +0000

Just Desserts (Revenge Bakery Menu)

Thu, 29 Sep 2022 22:08:46 +0000

Apple Brown Recluse Betty
Strawberry Shartcake
GOPecan Pie
Key Lyme Disease Pie
Red Velveeta Cake
Carrot Top Cake
S’ores
Blumpkin Pie
Bukkake’d Alaska
QaNon-Fat Lemon Squares
Banana Newt Bread
MAGArons
New York Subway Cheesecake

Pool Rules for Dan

Thu, 29 Sep 2022 21:20:03 +0000

No running. And Dan — no walking at a normal pace, klutz. Take it extra slow.
No diving — period. And no cannonballs — Dan. We gave you a three cannonball allotment per day and you took advantage of our trust. So no more cannonballs. Welcome to this little thing called consequences, Dan.
No food or drink around the pool. Especially no rice cakes. Leave your rice cakes at home, Dan. They’re not a real snack and they always wind up in the pool and clog up the filter.
No swimming without a lifeguard on duty. No one believes that you’re CPR certified and swam in college, Dan. If there’s not a red-suited butt in the chair, your ass can’t be in the pool.
No peeing in the pool. No bodily fluids of any kind at any time. So stop getting in the pool after you’ve had three Coronas, Dan. And keep your snot-nosed kids out of the water too. They scare me. The older one said he knows how I’m going to die.
No street clothes in the pool. That includes crocs, Dan. We don’t know where your crocs have been but we know it can’t be good. And stop with all the Grateful Dead t-shirts in or outside of the pool, man.
No peeling off the plastic from the outdoor tables, watering it down with the complimentary cucumber water, and using the cabana chaise lounge cushions as water sleds down the illegal makeshift slip ‘n’ slide you routed to dump into the deep end of the pool. Pool property is not your property, Dan. Your dad may own the resort, but you don’t. And the board will make sure you never do.
No alternative sunscreens. Things you can buy at CVS only. That means stop bringing your weird homemade organic tanning paste, Dan. It’s fucking with the delicate chemical balance of the pool. The pH is hazardous to children under six months.
No entering the pool without showering first. We know you wore the homemade organic tanning paste, Dan. It turns the water black. What the fuck even is that? Please say you’re not putting it on your children.
No animals in the pool, or on the deck, or anywhere at the resort. And yes, a live salmon counts as an animal. While we’re on the subject: please stop telling people you brought a pet, waiting for a response, and then whipping a pet rock out of your pocket. It’s so cringe, Dan. So cringe.
No karaoke at any time. You can thank Dan for that. He just couldn’t stop queueing Grateful Dead songs. Nobody knows the words to those!
No more than 50 people in the pool at any time. Unless Dan is in the pool. Then the maximum capacity is Dan. This is best for everyone.
No bringing your own slip ‘n’ slides from home, connecting them end-to-end and weaving them past the concierge desk, through the Sunset Lounge, around the pool deck, and into the pool. No using the nice cushions from the antique settees in the lobby as water sleds on the illegal, ramshackled “Goliath 5000” waterslide you’ve cobbled together. Do not let Dan talk you into aiding and abetting this. You will be asked to leave.
No creating battle forts with pool rafts or staging elaborate historically accurate combat choreography with pool noodles. Reenacting the Dano-Swedish war is profoundly confusing for everyone, Dan. No one knows how the Battle of Brunkeberg transpired, and no one is well versed enough in the lore of King Christian I of Denmark to grasp your cannonball joke.
No wearing a wig and a fake mustache and telling people your name is Tyler and you work in investment banking and you’re here on business and business is good but you’re starting to get sick of the travel because you never see your children, but the only thing worse than traveling all the time would be permanently staying in one place — never moving, never changing, surrendering to suburban domesticity, aging day by day, dying slowly, and then all at once, leaving behind enormous funeral fees and broken promises — so you can cannonball in the pool. Everybody knows it’s you, Dan. The mustache does nothing to hide the back tattoos.
No shirts, no shoes, no Dan, no problem.

The Many Nicknames of William Shakespeare

Wed, 28 Sep 2022 21:44:21 +0000

Sir Rhymes-A-Lot
Five-Act Jack
Quill Bill
Willy Slickspeare
The Merchant of Menace
The Pay-Right Playwright
Emcee Pentameter
The Unshaven Maven of Stratford-Upon-Avon
Lustre Rhymes
The Jacobean Jokester
Poet Snoreate
The Avant-Garde Bard
Front-Row Willy
The Bald Balladeer
William “That’s Not a Word” Shakespeare
Inky Fingers
Guillermo DelSorrow
The Meandering Pen of Lord Chamberlain’s Men
QuippyLongstocking
Sergeant Sonnet
ThrilliamShockspeare
The Elizabethan With Teeth In
Quill Daddy
Quill Diddy (adopted 1604)
William “How ’Bout Another Play Where Everyone Misunderstands and Kills Each Other?” Shakespeare
The Father of the First Folio That Gave Birth to Malvolio
King Fear
The Dean of PG-13
Avon Rhymesdale
The Poet in Big Breeches Who Wrote Really Long Speeches
Christopher Marlowe’s Friend
The Play-Hard Bard
Christopher Marlowe’s Special Friend
The Master of Spectacle, Bloody and Apoplectical
The Queen’s Little Writer Boy
Soliloquizzard
The Undisputed Leader of the Original Globe Theater
The Much Ado Kid
Lord Histrionic of the Romantic Tragicomic
Chaucer’s Boss
The Man with Acclaims from a Young King James
Julius Sleazer
The Bard Who Was Super Sad When Christopher Marlowe Died in a Bar Fight and No One Found His Body of Avon
The Great Emo of Warwickshire
The Viceroy of Verbage Who Man-Crushed Hard on Richard Burbage
Blood Sugar Sex Tragic
Brothello
The No-Refund Rhymer
The Man in Hose Who’s Not Big on Prose
GothyMcSkullspeare
The Dom of Rom-Com
Pulp Diction
The Promising Young Intern Who Gave Us Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
William “That’s Not a Real Ghost” Shakespeare
Earring Boi

The Tax-Hating Messages Inside Shakira’s Biggest Hits

Tue, 27 Sep 2022 21:41:10 +0000

Whether it’s Judas Priest, Led Zeppelin, or Pink Floyd – burying diabolical messages in songs is more common than we think. So after she was accused of tax evasion, I re-examined early drafts of Shakira’s biggest hits in search of foreboding, tax-evasion-related messages. These are my shocking findings:
Underneath Your Clothes (2001):
Underneath your clothes
There’s an endless story
About a woman
Whose name rhymes with Shmashmira
Who has a strict aversion to being a lawfully abiding citizen
And paying her taxes.
It’s kinda weird that this story
Is somehow underneath your clothes?
But maybe that means
You’ll get charged with tax evasion –
And not me!
Sorry, babe.
She Wolf (2009)
There’s a tax-evading she wolf in the closet
Open up and set her free (ahoo!)
There’s a tax-evading she wolf in the closet
Let her out so she can cheat! (ahoooo!)
Beautiful Liar (2006):
Let’s not kill the karma
(Ay) let’s not start a fight
(Ay) it’s not worth the drama
For a beautiful liar
(Oh) can’t we laugh about it? (ha-ha-ha)
(Oh) it’s not worth my time
(Oh) Taxes, that is.
(Oh) I really want to clarify here,
(Oh?) That I’m talking about taxes
(What?!) And not paying them
(Shakira!) Because I hate them
(Shakira!!) And they’re not worth my time
(Shakira?!!) Because like the title of this song,
(You should just pay them!) I’m just a beautiful liar
Whenever, Wherever (2001):
Baby, I would climb the Andes solely
To count the freckles on your body
But baby, I’m kinda thinking about not paying my taxes
At some unspecified time in the future
They’re absolute bullshit.
You know what taxes are?
They’re those stupid-ass,
Compulsory contributions you have to make to the state!
Whenever, wherever
We’re meant to be together
I’ll be there, and you’ll be near
Just please, no taxes, my dear
My Hips Don’t Lie (But I Do, About Taxes) (2005):
I’m on tonight
You know my hips don’t lie (no fighting)
But to be blunt, I do lie (you do?)
I lie about taxes (What?)
And I hate them so much, I’m going to try (Try what?)
Really fucking hard to not pay them. (This is crazy!)
For a two year span (Weirdly specific!)
In about 10 years.
And I’ll never get caught!! (Whattttttt?!)

Non-Sexist Things That Bros Come Before

Tue, 27 Sep 2022 18:22:13 +0000

Brothers, it’s time to retire one of our oldest mantras: “Bros before hoes.” It seems calling women hoes is frowned upon these days (some even say this has been the case since the 1960s) and we need to adapt. I know, I know, it was catchy and it allowed us to shrug off any feelings of attachment or commitment. Fear not, there are still lots of non-sexist things that bros come before.
Shows
You’re nestled into your favorite spot on the couch, gazing up at your impractically large flatscreen TV, about to watch an episode of Two And A Half Men, when one of your broskis texts you asking if you can do him a solid. The size of the favor is irrelevant: “Bros before shows!”
Clothes
One of your fraternity brothers did the laundry and accidentally shrunk your favorite spaghetti strap muscle shirt. You loved that shirt! It showed off your lats and gave everyone at the gym a titillating peak of your pert, little nipples. Before you rage out, remember: “Bros before clothes!”
Prose
Don’t get upset if someone sneaks into your room and reads your “private thought log.” Can you really blame Bryler for wanting to read it, with that tempting little lock on the cover? And so what if he read it onstage at open mic night? Write this under your goals to manifest: “Bros before prose!”
Toes
We know about your fetish, bro. You’re planning on seeing which little piggy went to the market and which little piggy is a naughty freak when Craigery bursts into your room in a frightened panic. He’s had his recurring nightmare again: the one where father cuts off his weekly allowance. You need to toe the line and comfort Craigery (a warm glass of milk and soothingly reading him his bank balance usually does the trick): “Bros before toes!”
Throws
We were having a legendary beer pong tournament and someone may have used your decorative throw to mop up the spills. I know your Gam Gam (may she rest in peace) made it for you when you were born and it had, like, sentimental meaning or whatever, but: “Bros before throws!”
Foes
This one should be pretty self-explanatory, but there’s been an alarming number of mix-ups as of late: “Bros before foes!”
Woes
There’s no “I” in bro. Being a bro is a selfless act. So what if you just flunked your exam/got fired/got dumped/your childhood pet just died, it’s the anniversary of the day Jimothy got acquitted of his drunk and disorderly charge and we’re throwing an epic rager. You can’t put your personal problems before your bros. Buck up, brah, that Jagger Bomb isn’t going to drink itself: “Bros before woes!”
Cloves
Don’t even think about prioritizing these dried aromatic buds over your real buds. It doesn’t matter if you’ve watched a YouTube video titled The 8 Surprising Health Benefits of Cloves. Repeat after me: “Bros before cloves!”
Loaves
It’s cheat day and you’ve been looking forward to carbing up by going beast-mode on some bread only to discover Tomathan ate your entire artisanal loaf. Well, he didn’t eat the whole thing. He made a sandwich and then fed the rest to some pigeons in the park. You can’t let a single slice get between you and a fellow bro: “Bros before loaves!”
Schmoes
Your common, ordinary man has no business being placed among – let alone before – someone who is bestowed with the title of bro. There is the one exception of our newest inductee, Joe, who has the unfortunate surname of “Schmoe.” In all other cases: “Bros before schmoes!”
Crows
Okay, so there’s a crow that recognizes you and brings you tiny, offering-like trinkets every time you cross the quad. Sheesh, calm down, bro. I mean, it’s pretty widely documented that crows recognize faces. Sure, the nickname is pretty clever but we think you’re getting a bit too attached to “Russel Crow.” Lest you forget: “Bros before crows!”

CARTOON: Feeding Time

Fri, 23 Sep 2022 18:44:57 +0000

BOOK EXCERPT: The Carlyles

Fri, 23 Sep 2022 18:33:36 +0000

Chapter the First
“This place has got Soylent on tap” September 29, 2017
Pattie Carlyle wiped a line of sweat from her forehead, brushed her thick, frizzy black hair back over her ears, bent down, and lifted up a large wooden crate from her brownstone’s doorstep. Straining under its weight and the heavy air that presaged a thunderstorm, she reached several times for the front door handle before finally establishing a hold long enough to wedge it open with her foot. Slowly, she spun around into the musty, dark entryway, pastel green wallpaper peeling around the edges of the floor moldings, adjusted her grip on the crate, and began methodically climbing the wooden stairs, which creaked and groaned in protest with each step. She paused at the landing after the fourth flight, balanced the crate against the banister as she fumbled through her pockets for a Brown lanyard, and staggered toward a door halfway down the hall, the keys’ metallic jangle reverberating against the floor’s ceramic tiles.
Out of breath as she reached the door, Pattie forced the keys in and jiggled the handle until it assented. She dragged the crate over the threshold into a tiny living room crowded with a brown leather sofa and matching armchair, a marble coffee table, a wooden cart laden with stone fruit, a copper sundial the size of an end table, a reproduction of Rodin’s “The Thinker,” a grandfather clock, four framed paintings stacked against one another, and three astrolabes, their brass discs encircled by a series of metal rings and dials and etched along its surface in archaic symbols. She sat down on the arm of the sofa and inspected the lid of the wooden crate, searching for a latch or an instruction to “pull here.” Finding it nailed shut, she glanced around the room, picked up the sundial, wedged its pointed gnomon underneath the box’s lid, and heaved down until it erupted in splinters that rained across the floor.
“For God’s sake, Harold,” Pattie moaned as she pulled out from a pile of Styrofoam a fourth astrolabe, identical in all but the smallest particulars to the other three brass discs. A single astrolabe was one thing, perhaps even a second, since Harold had been waiting so long for some success of his own. Four, though
Wiping sweat from her forehead, Pattie surveyed the room, visualizing the routes that would need to be hewn from the clutter in case of emergency, when she felt her phone buzz. “Commercial break,” a text read. “How am I doing?”
Pattie quickly typed “Good!,” then scrolled through her recent text history with her husband, searching for context. Finding none, she picked up a remote control from the coffee table and turned on a television set mounted on the opposite wall.
“I expected my quip about Mnuchin’s wife to go over better,” said a new text.
Pattie raised the volume. Red CNN letters flashed across the screen and dissolved into a starkly high-definition telecast of a slender man with thinning blonde hair and crow’s feet forming around his eyes nodding vigorously as a taller man with slicked-back salt-and-pepper hair commented on the qualifications of the new White House communications director, Hope Hicks.
“Harold, do you think Hicks is becoming a moderating influence on the president?” the man asked.
“Great question, Jake,” Harold smiled. “When I was covering the Trump campaign during the 2016 election, I heard this question repeated time and again: ‘when will we see Trump make the presidential pivot?’ It wasn’t until I went undercover on the GOP campaign bus that I began to understand that the bluster is not a defect, but a feature, of this president’s—not to mention the entire GOP’s—design.”
“You’re referring again to the episode you recount in your book—”
“No One Stopped the Bus,” Harold interjected.
“Right,” Jake continued, “the episode in which you infiltrated a high-level GOP strategy meeting, first recounted in a series of articles you wrote for the Times.”
“Yes, thank you, a meeting on the GOP campaign bus.”
“Uh-...

For Dummies By Dummies

Thu, 22 Sep 2022 23:37:57 +0000

Since 1991, the dummies of the world have been empowered to learn about everything– from personal finance to coding in HTML, from ocarina maintenance to tooth brushing– through the For Dummies ® series. However, sometimes having an expert teaching you a skill can feel like you’re being condescended to, which can lead a prospective learner to shy away from the experience of learning altogether. That is why we’ve developed a new series, For Dummies By Dummies ®. In each For Dummies By Dummies ® book, we have real, unqualified lay people posing as experts writing to other real, unqualified lay people in a way that is both relatable and completely unreliable. Join us in celebrating some of our newest titles!
Shakespeare, For Dummies By Dummies ®
Excerpt from “Meaning of Important Quotes”
In Shakespeare’s famous play about salad dressing tycoon Julius Caesar, one of the most quotable lines is “A2, Brute?” This refers to Brutus’ betrayal of Caesar. Caesar and Brutus had made a pact that they would only eat healthy food (Caesar was famous for only eating salads, which is why he is the namesake of one of the most widespread types). However, Brutus caved to pressure and, at a vending machine, purchased “A2,” a moon pie. Caesar was so hurt by this betrayal that he immediately died of heartbreak. The great irony is that the unhealthy chain, Little Caesar’s Pizza, also bears his name.
Coaching Basketball, For Dummies By Dummies ®
Excerpt from “Lead with the Fundamentals”
Always start with emphasizing what we in the coaching business call “The Fundamentals.” Do I know what the fundamentals are? Well, do you? If anyone asks you to elaborate, tell them to drop and give you 50 for being a “smart alec.” If they say, “50 what?” tell them that’s it, now they owe you a hundred. Hope they interpret that to mean dollars. Then take that 100 dollars and buy yourself something really nice to celebrate your first day as a successful coach. Maybe a fancy dinner, or a ticket to a show, or a personalized trophy that says ‘World’s Best Coach.’
Bookkeeping, for Dummies By Dummies ®
Excerpt from “You Can Do It Yourself”
Some people say, “Bookkeeping is hard!” Still others will go out and hire – for money! – a bookkeeper to “do the work for them.” I am here to tell you that book keeping is easy. It is easy for the simple fact that once you obtain a book, a book is very unlikely to run away. It should just be called “Bookobtaining” with the assumption that you will put the book in your home and continue keeping it indefinitely.
Alternative Energy, For Dummies By Dummies ®
Excerpt from “Where Do We Find Alternative Energy?”
Sometimes, energy is natural. But sometimes, no matter how deep within yourself or your surroundings you look, you just can’t find any. That’s when you need what we are calling ‘alternative energy.’ This can look like many different things – sometimes, it is a Monster or a Red Bull, sometimes it is coffee, sometimes it is just saying, “Screw it!” and eating those three pixie sticks your kid got for Halloween last year that you’ve been hiding on the high shelf in your cupboard.
Python, For Dummies By Dummies ®
Excerpt from “Special Characters in Python”
Now that we’ve established what a python is – which is, of course, a very treacherous snake–, we must learn how to best utilize them for helping us with computers. For centuries, many thought that charming snakes with musical instruments was the best way to control them and to get them to do their bidding. This may have worked when people’s bidding was just dancing out of a basket, but now that you want a snake to help you with your computer, a simple flute ditty isn’t going to cut it.
This is how we get to special characters. As people, we all have characters that are very special to us. I, for one, hold dear the characters Winnie the Pooh and Larry the Cable Guy. Pythons also have special characters in their snakey culture. Though I have never confirmed this with an actual python, I assum...

A Modern Guide To Translating Small Talk

Thu, 22 Sep 2022 22:58:37 +0000

“Looking forward to the weekend?” usually means “I’m telepathically communicating with your future self, who seemingly overdid it at the all you can eat baked potato bar.”
“The bus must be running late today.” usually means ” I’m afraid that if I start screaming, I may never be able to stop.”
“If you could only listen to one band for the rest of your life, what would it be?” usually means “My splotchy, flaking skin is simply the chrysalis from which my ultimate form will emerge, devouring reality and all that you hold dear.”
“Pretty chilly today!” usually means “The army of rabid weasels that I control with my mind can be here before you have a chance to remove me from these premises.”
“Is this the only rodeo that comes through town on a regular basis?” usually means “I’ve been sneaking fiberglass insulation into my elderly neighbor’s Metamucil for the past several months.”
“These caterers are really great, don’t you think?” usually means “Khorvath, Harvester of Souls, who traverses the spaces between time and space, life and death. bestow upon me your eternal will and understanding. Praise Khorvath, deliver your wisdom through pain!!”
“What’s the coolest road trip you’ve ever been on?” usually means “This morning I woke up from a fitful sleep, covered in a dark, viscous liquid. Blood. but not my blood. Oh God, have I done it again?”
“Has it been along week, or is it just me?” usually means “I’m so lonely that I’ve been hesitant to get rid of my tapeworm.”
“This weather has been crazy, right?” usually means “May I jump from the roof of this floating car to the roof of your floating house?”

Shocking Truths of the Cereal Mascots

Tue, 20 Sep 2022 23:34:03 +0000

Cap’n Crunch only ever took to the sea to avoid a manslaughter charge in Virginia.
Buzz, the Honey Nut Cheerios bee, is a flat-earther and has had multiple videos on the subject banned from YouTube.
Sonny, who is “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” abandoned his family and refused to pay court-mandated child support. Nevertheless, when he needed a kidney transplant, he shamelessly reached out to all five of his now-adult offspring.
Every day, Count Chocula prays to be relieved of the horrible curse placed upon him that forces him to live forever and eat nothing but chocolate.
Dig’em, the Honey Smacks frog, knows how Bob Crane died but won’t tell anyone, even the police.
Lucky, the Lucky Charms leprechaun, wears that little hat to conceal his vestigial twin, which is alive but not conscious.
Rice Krispies’ Snap and Pop are a couple, having previously been part of a throuple with Crack, who was ejected from the relationship for what a press release would only call “various perversions.”
Tony the Tiger doesn’t believe in doctors and has removed what he thinks is just a mole from his back eight times.
Franken Berry used to stay at the YMCA pretty often, and one night, his roommate died. Franken Berry stole the man’s identity so he could keep cashing his Social Security checks.
Toucan Sam hasn’t paid his taxes in 30 years.
The Raisin Bran sun cyber-bullies his daughter’s classmates.
The Trix Rabbit won three Grammys during his 1988 to 2005 tenure as drummer for the Goo Goo Dolls.

As A Mason Jar, I’ve Had Enough of These Barn Weddings

Tue, 20 Sep 2022 20:20:14 +0000

Do you ever feel like you had a specific purpose in life, but then you were called to do something different? And it doesn’t feel right? Recently I was visiting my cousin, Ball, who’s been upcycled as a trendy, country-chic soap dispenser. He never knew he was going to become a trendy, country-chic soap dispenser, but he said he feels like his life is full. And just this weekend, when I was trying to take a relaxing bubble bath in the sink, I struck up a conversation with my old cabinet neighbor, Ball, who had been repurposed into a soy candle holder. As he burnt, I asked him if ever missed the pickling business. He said no, because he always dreamed of becoming an arsonist. All of these friends around me who have left the pickling biz are happy with their lives. But why don’t I feel the same?
My upbringing is a drastic straying from my life in L.A. now. Those who know me know I’m a country boy at heart. I was looking at my life with a jar half full. I miss the fresh air, the rooster crowing in the morning, Meemaw pouring a shot of moonshine in me, her last resort to just get through the day.I loved it. The only season I had to worry about, was pickling season. That was back when I had one, singular purpose. I wasn’t a jack of all trades and a master of none. I was a master of one. Pickling. And I certainly enjoyed spending my time with the vegetables I grew up with, like cucumbers and peppers and onions. They slapped a “strawberry jam” tag on me, and I didn’t even mind being labeled like that. My life was set in stone. I wasn’t a jar running around with my lid cut off, like how I feel now.
And then everything changed. White women began using me for.all sorts of things. Overnight oats, that lard-ass-looking shit. Once that blew up, things just progressed from there. Layered salads. Yogurt parfaits. Why couldn’t they just use a bowl? They were working me 24/7. When I tell you I rarely if ever got a chance to just relax in my cupboard. If I wasn’t containing something, I was being washed with some Method dish soap. And the vicious dishwasher cycle repeated. If that wasn’t enough, I was then forced in front of the camera. Most of my credits include cameos in TikTok and Instagram recipe videos. Now, while I always had dreams of film, I always pictured myself behind the camera, you know? But it seemed like my fate had already been decided for me, and I guess I couldn’t blame them, I do have that squeaky clean “look.”
This new life isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be, this life of celebrity. Believe me, I love getting a paycheck, being booked and busy, and supporting my family and my two kids, Mason Jr. and Jar Jar. But these weddings I have to go to now, it’s just not sustainable. And I earn every dollar that’s put in my jar, so much you would think I’m my cousin, Tip, at the Coldstone Creamery. I’m working the room, going table to table, being put on display. Heck, I’m the center of attention at these barn weddings as people just gawk at me going “Oooo, that’s nice.” And they’re just not giving me the eyes at my smooth exterior, I get all dressed up and stuffed up for them. They’re putting pictures inside me and they’re dressing me up in glitter (which the ol’ Ball and chain has had to rinse me down for hours just to get the sparkles off of me!) And the worst of all, they’re putting candles inside me, and it’s making me sweat!
I’m not like my extreme friends I went to high school with that got into the glass blowing business. But, that’s all in a day of work unfortunately.
I won’t lie though, there are some perks of being a famous mason jar. More than ever, I’m getting photos taken of me and I do get to feel like a model. I’ve even been getting opportunities to show up in catalogs like Crate & Barrel, where I can join the other assortment of random glass things that can really spruce up a kitchen. It’s been really cool to get introduced to new kinds of spices that people are putting inside me, like saffron. I didn’t know until...

The Cartoon Pad w/ guest Mick Stevens

Fri, 16 Sep 2022 18:24:45 +0000

Mick Stevens is one of the best gag cartoonists of our generation and he discusses his process and his body of work on this special episode of The Cartoon Pad.

CARTOON: Baggyfish

Fri, 16 Sep 2022 18:21:06 +0000

Truly Terrible Ways to Make Friends as an Adult

Fri, 16 Sep 2022 17:40:23 +0000

Instigating a home invasion at their house to learn more about them.
Drinking from the same cup at a suicide cult’s final meeting.
Comparing / contrasting the deluxe features of similar butt plugs at a swinger’s event.
Sharing a taser while storming a government building.
Joining a book club that’s currently covering The Bible For Dummies.
Baking a batch of pot-brownies to have your kids sell at their lemonade stand.
While standing in line to get an autograph from the cast of Jersey Shore.
Attending a Donald Trump rally (unless you have a double-digit IQ, in which case you’ll probably make lots of friends at such an event).
Getting a job as the person who cleans the hot-tubs on the set of The Bachelorette.
Dressing up as Boba Fett to attend a Lord Of The Rings convention.
Attending the yearly Qanon Self-Fellating Instructional Jamboree and Pot-Luck.
While speaking with callers at your job at the Suicide Hotline.
By attempting to telepathically communicate with others in line at the DMV.
Joining a Civil War reenactment group in Kentucky.
Striking up a conversation at the local glory hole.
Intentionally giving someone COVID so that you’ll have something in common.
At complete body waxing demonstration given by Hulk Hogan.
Moving into the crack-house of someone that you barely even know.
Direct messaging the several people who are all bidding for the same chunk of Jeffrey Dahmer’s skull on the dark web.

At UnitedHealthcare We’re Addressing Your Medical Expense Concerns By Ignoring You and Redesigning Our Website

Fri, 16 Sep 2022 16:01:33 +0000

We at UnitedHealthcare want you to know that we hear you, we see you, and we’re tired of you. Your own nit-picky demands are triggering the rising healthcare costs you constantly complain about, so insurance companies must remain vigilant in crafting creative non-solutions to complex issues. That’s why we’ve engineered a self-indulgent distraction that clearly shows what little interest we have in your wellbeing.
Presenting the new UnitedHealthcare website! Feast your floater-filled eyes on these adorable icons our interns grabbed from Google Images. Swaddle your worries in this blue ribbon graphic that flows freely like the three glasses of wine you guzzle daily to subdue your anxiety over the unaffordability of healthcare.
We guarantee our fresh new layout makes it harder than ever to find the information you’re looking for. Coverage options? Nah, how about a stock photo of a smiling family. Claim status? Pfft, check out this icon of a stethoscope connected to a computer. EOBs? Eeee-yeah, right, here’s another stock photo of a smiling family.
Instead of tying up health providers with your selfish medical dilemmas, have you tried typing your symptoms into WebMD and begging your loving God for mercy? Prayers don’t cost anything. Maybe try praying more and leave those doctors and nurses alone. They’re way too busy trying to navigate our labyrinthine reimbursement policies. And why does healthcare have to be all about you, anyway? You’re only making it harder for at-risk people to receive treatment for issues that have worsened because they’re reluctant to see a doctor due to their extraordinarily high deductibles.
We know you’re upset that we amassed ungodly profits during the pandemic while your premiums skyrocketed, but we also know you’re too afraid to live without health insurance. It’s like when you buy a new iPhone and it has a totally different charging cable port than every other electronic device on the planet. You’ll bitch and moan to all the other twerking weirdos on TikTok, but what will you actually do about it? Jack shit. Just accept the reality of the situation, which is that we, like Apple and the oil companies, value excessive profits over the welfare of all carbon-based life.
Paying your monthly premium only gets you access to health services that you then have to pay for in full. The extravagant revenue we accumulate from recklessly gambling with your life enables us to offer our redefined concept of “coverage” which is less of a blanket and more of a pillow you’re being smothered with à la One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (and like that story, we assume you invented your “mood disorder” to get out of work, which is why our mental health programs are inadequate and prohibitively expensive).
Whoops, our new site deleted our entire member database. You’ll have to register for a new account. Click the Create Profile icon—it’s the silhouette of a sobbing person bent over an exam table while gobs of money are surgically removed from their ass. Oh, you clicked the icon and nothing happened? That’s because our new site is just a giant JPEG that links to nothing. Click all you want, sucker. Click until your left arm tingles, but that stock photo family will keep on smiling as they watch you collapse and bleed out.
Transparency is important to UnitedHealthcare, so let us be perfectly clear: we’ve created a site that makes it so hopeless to find your account information that it’s more likely you’ll die before we have to pay you out. And when you’re dead, we won’t have to waste time pandering to your bullshit “health concerns”. That’s how we can keep costs down while we devise new ways to fuck people out of their money. It’s a big win for trickle down healthonomics!

Thank You For Listening To Our Podcast!

Thu, 15 Sep 2022 17:07:54 +0000

..and that’s all! Signing off!
Thank you for listening to It’s All Local Politics in Rural Pennsylvania, as always. I’m Kate Howard, and I’m the lead field research specialist. It’s been lovely to share our hot takes and even hotter data with you.
And I’m Blake Morgan, I’m also a field research specialist, and I was pretty sure we weren’t going to add in superlatives like “lead” or “head” to our titles on this podcast. Remember that workshop I led on becoming a non-hierarchical workspace?
Hey, I’m just going off of hours logged for this particular episode. I spent thirteen and a half hours on the phone with Lancaster-area voters asking for their opinions on gun control.
Well, Kate, if that’s how it’s going to be, I spent an entire day door-to-door canvassing in Scranton. Walking from door to door takes a bit more effort than making calls. Plus, there’s the bodily harm factor of in-person data collection. Some lady’s cat bit me. Not even a scratch – it just went straight in with its teeth. He hit bone!
Here we go again with the Great Scranton Cat Attack story.
What was that, Kate?
Nothing. I’m Kate Howard, this has been It’s All Local Politics in Rural Pennsylvania, where I’m a field research specialist, just like Blake who is also a field research specialist. We both specialize in researching the field, there’s nothing that differentiates us, we are one local politics hivemind.
No need to be so sarcastic about it. Let’s move on to our thank yous.
Thanks, Blake. First, thank you to our production team: Linda Thompson, Mallory Lewis and Arnie Blank. We’d also like to thank our fact-checker Brendan Welles, and the fact-checker for our fact-checker Mason Gillies. As always, we have to shout out our executive producer Berenice Riley for taking the helm of the It’s All Local Politics in Rural Pennsylvania. The entire It’s All Local Politics in Rural Pennsylvania team knows that you’d rather be at NPR with broadcast journalism heartthrob, Steve Inskeep, instead of here with us, and frankly, we feel the same way.
Anyone else we should be thanking, Blake?
Well, Kate, a very special thanks goes out to Linley Catering for the delightful craft table you provide for the newsroom. Additionally we’d like to thank Marcus, Berenice’s nephew, for volunteering to be our new meal taster. The food is probably very safe now, but we appreciate you, Marcus!
On a personal note, I’d also like to thank our production assistant Ken who tracked down the cat that bit me in Scranton and acquired his rabies vaccination records for my urgent care nurse. If I ran things around here, I would make you the lead production assistant.
Interesting, I thought you were against enforcing rank, Blake. Oh, and thank you to our other PA Lyle, uh, gosh what’s this kid’s last name? Thank you to Lyle for all those trips to COSTCO where we forgot to give you the company card. You’re a real one for that, Lyle.
Kate – did we ever reimburse that kid? We’re so bad at record-keeping around here. Anyway, another thank you goes out to the team who puts out the most fires for our show – the firefighters of Ladder 25. According to Fire Marshal Brandt, we’ve now officially set the Bucks county record for most electrical fires in one office building. Wow, I can remember the first ever electrical fire at It’s All Local Politics in Rural Pennsylvania. Time sure does fly. anyway, thank you, Ladder 25. You’re our brothers forever.
So true, Blake. You really need to lay off the power strips, they’re not meant to be permanent fixtures and you know that. Absolutely no thanks goes to our office manager Clarisse who brought in her pet snake on Tuesday. But we’d like to thank our administrative assistant Darren for alerting us when Hissy Elliott got loose in the newsroom and additional thanks to our snake wrangler Chelsea. Thanks also to Brent, who knew how to do CPR, to Laura for making the decision to go get Brent, and to Chelsea again for extracting some antivenom for the EMTs.
We would als...

I’m Dorg, The Lowly Servant in Charge of Lighting Every Single Candle at House Targaryen and It’s Bullshit That My Scenes Always Get Cut

Thu, 15 Sep 2022 17:01:52 +0000

Hi Internet. Dorg here, the lowly servant in charge of lighting every single candle at House Targaryen on the hit show “House of the Dragon”. I have a bone to pick with the editors, directors, and so-called showrunners at Home Box Office Incorporated. First off, I and most all of Westeros, have no problem with you plundering and filming all the gripping ins and outs of our many lives on a weekly basis in order to create prestige TV, I mean – who can blame you, our world is a never-ending technicolor content bastion. BUT I DO have a problem when I go to watch the first four episodes of “House of the Dragon” and see that all of MY scenes got cut – that’s bullshit.
It’s baffling to me that the editors and showrunners unanimously decided to show the illuminating fruits of my labor (lit candles and other big, decorative things that get lit) but for some reason not me (Dorg, lighter of things). Do we really think that the modern viewer is erroneously going to believe that when Rhaenyra walks into an exquisitely candle-lit room to chat with her frenemy Alicent Hightower that all those candles WEREN’T expertly lit by a servant who has ten years of expert candle training under the tutelage of Grand Candle Maester Clarence Candelite? ‘Cuz again, that’s bullshit. And it’s even bigger bullshit that now all 10 million plus viewers who watched the biggest series premiere in HBO history have no idea I exist.
Maybe the executive producers, production heads, story editors, and HBO Chairman Richard Plepler have some misgivings about showing Dorg on screen. Maybe they’re worried that Dorg doesn’t seem like an interesting character and overall seems kind of dull, uncaptivating, boring, poorly written, one-dimensional, and straight-up uninspired. They might even say something like “C’mon, a candle lighting servant that peacefully lives in the foul-smelling section of House Targaryen who constantly runs around lighting and snuffing out candles all day? That sounds ridiculous and completely made up”. Well, to that comment, I only have but one question in reply. Do you know what else is kind of dull, uncaptivating, boring, poorly written, one-dimensional, and straight-up uninspired? The entire show. Please, gods of old Valyria, stab me in my legs and give me something exciting to stare at. A much-welcomed flesh wound seems like great fun compared to this drivel.
Either that or Amazon’s “Rings of Power” (The trailer looked pretty good and I heard they had 25 million viewers!).
But frankly, if you don’t think that Dorg deserves as much on-screen time as all the other boring ass old men sitting at boring ass old tables talking about unimportant boring ass bullshit and wondering who is going to give them a glass of wine or hand them a sword or come into the room with some hot trash plot-enhancing tidbit, then could we at least consider trying to include more spirited and dynamic kinds of people in the show? Like people with different economic situations (like a lively dragon dungeon cleaner), and all kind of people who don’t look like sullen elven vampires, and people who proudly know what a healthy relationship is, and people who don’t try to wed children, and people who have a well adjusted home life and minimal familial baggage, and maybe even people who don’t have any nefarious plans to overthrow and conquer and kill anything at all but instead just have killer sense of humor and can slay a room with a one liner. Is that too much to ask?
As someone who has long witnessed the brilliance of every kind of candle there is, I can’t stress enough that our world (and the streaming world) will always get better when we decide to let more light in. And then honor the lighter of that light with copious amounts of screen time and high-paying syndication royalties. Thank you for your time and consideration. Signed: Dorg, the lowly servant in charge of lighting every single candle at House Targaryen.

Talkward w/ guest Craig Thomas

Wed, 14 Sep 2022 20:56:58 +0000

This episode features the very talented comedy writer and TV producer Craig Thomas! Craig is the co-creator, executive producer, and writer of “How I Met Your Mother,” which received 30 Emmy Award nominations in its nine-season run. Before that he wrote for ‘The Late Show with David Letterman’ and ‘American Dad!’. Craig is also an accomplished musician and songwriter! Most recently his prose has been published in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Weekly Humorist and soon, The Iowa Review. Follow him on twitter at @HIMYMCraig

Acceptable Mermaid Skin Tones: A Guide for Racists

Tue, 13 Sep 2022 22:17:11 +0000

PSA from an Internet Troll

Fri, 09 Sep 2022 17:22:47 +0000

This is a Public Service Announcement, a formal letter of complaint from one “internet troll” on behalf of all “internet trolls.” Our grievances are as follows:
1) The title is demeaning: “troll.” Can we come up with something more imaginative? I prefer “internet curator.” Much like art curators, we’re social media connoisseurs. Troll denotes withering wretches and that we are not. We’re passionate, real (not bots), spending hours perfecting negs, commenting on comments. Commenting on comments. that’s what we do! It rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?
2) “Internet trolls” need better PR. Our slogan should be something like: Providing A Pro-Bono Reality Check One Comment at a Time! Because, contrary to popular opinion, we don’t muck up the internet. We nudge people to their senses. For example, no one’s said to these amateur TikTok bakers: Honey, put down the frosting! They clearly have unresolved trauma that making a tree on a cake won’t fix.
3) A lot of people think “roasting” someone is heartless, but we empathize with those we “troll.” We spend hours getting into their psyche: What were they thinking when they posted this? Before leaving a roast on a post, we dedicate days to internet stalking our subjects on multiple platforms, finding what makes them tick before ticking them off. Of course, it’s done in love, our only goal is to provide an alternate perspective if you will. This is off the record, something I’ve personally never told anyone before: sometimes I toss and turn at night, wondering if my roast was the perfect neg. But you can’t delete a comment on someone’s post. Then, you’ll look like a wimp. That’s the one and only rule of roasting: no take backs.
4) We, “internet trolls,” are teachers. Yes, the adage is true: those who can’t do, teach. Most of us have messy lives: we’re unemployed, living in our parents’ subterranean dwellings, confined to the internet because we’ve abandoned our dreams. That’s why we’re so great at trolling! We have all the time in the world to perfect this craft, to comment on comments. “Trolling” has become our obsession, our outlet, a reason to live. It’s poetic if you think about it!
5) You know, some of us have diverted. There’s a few who lost their marbles, totally cracked, and now only post positive comments. They now exclusively compliment people all day. It’s just a tragedy! Yes, there are secret Reddit threads where trolls confide in each other and conspire. We mourn together on those threads when we lose a member of the “trolling” community.
So, revere the “teachers,” the “internet trolls,” typing from dark dingy quarters, living in obscurity, dedicating their lives to commenting on your posts!
Sincerely,
FuckUrMom69

Totally Straight High School News Your Administration Will Approve Of

Thu, 08 Sep 2022 19:10:13 +0000

“Student journalists dedicated their final issue in June to LGBTQ issues, writing two columns on the topic and a news article about the origins of Pride Month. Then, after publication, the school retaliated.” –NYT, 8/29/22
Report From Back of Band Bus: Nothing Queer To See Here
Choir To Put on Concert Consisting of Dave Matthews Band Discography
Closeted Science Teacher Gives Lesson in Straight Physics
Homecoming Court Includes No Students With Hair Dyed Purple
AP English Writes Essay on Heterosexual Themes in Writing of Oscar Wilde
Administration Bans Queer Students From ”Sitting Like That”
Drama Club Putting on All Straight Production of ‘A Chorus Line’
Football Team Promises They Still Use Gay as an Insult
English Department Announces Pronouns No Longer Allowed in Student Writing
Op-Ed: 347 Reasons Why Principal Davis is Heterosexual, by Principal Davis
Cafeteria To No Longer Serve
Guidance Counselors To Hold Seminar on Getting Into Any School Except Emerson College

After Years Of Tireless Service And Dedication, I, Your Metabolism, Have Decided To Quietly Quit

Thu, 08 Sep 2022 18:55:31 +0000

Hey, Eaty-McEaterson. It’s me, your metabolism. We need to talk. I’m tired of working non-stop, around the clock for you. It’s time I scaled back and stopped overworking. After years of tireless service and dedication, I’ve decided to quietly quit.
I’ve been working full-time for you since the day you were born and, honestly, I think you’ve been taking me for granted. I poured myself into this role and it’s led to severe burnout. I need some me time. That’s why I’m saying “no” to more and “yes” to less.
Ever since my first day on the job, I’ve been unwaveringly dedicated, saying yes to every project you pushed across my desk. And how did you thank me? It wasn’t through moderation, that’s for sure. Dipping fries in milkshakes. The cronut craze of 2013. Eating carnival food. Congratulations, Snack-a-saurus, you’ve worn me out.
I’ve been taking on too much for you, leaving myself exhausted. And what thanks did I ever get? Just a front row seat to watching you ram an endless array of sweets and savories in your piehole.
It wasn’t until you were in your 30s that I realized there was no opportunity for upward mobility in this job. I’ve spent my entire career going above and beyond for you. No more! It’s going to be the bare minimum from here on out.
This is going to be a tough transition for us. Who am I kidding? This is going to be great! For me. For you, not so much.
You’re going to have to start making some serious changes. Can you still go to a buffet? Ha, good one! Please, stop, I peed a little. Oh, you were serious. No, that parade of gluttony is a thing of the past. I mean, you can go, but I won’t be slogging away to burn it off for you. You’re pulling your own weight now, buckaroo.
Serving size. Portion control. These are terms with which you’ll want to acquaint yourself. Remember: I’m not putting in any overtime. I’ll slowly plod away at the duties assigned to me, but only during the hours of work. If there are excess calories remaining at the end of my shift, clearing them off the books will be your job.
Now that you’ll have to emerge from your ivory tower, you’ll want to think twice about what you’re planning on shoving into your greedy maw. Bid farewell to your favorite snack foods. Hungry? Satiate yourself with six almonds and a stick of celery. Welcome to flavor country, partner.
In fact, you might want to try out that intermittent fasting everyone’s been talking about.
Don’t even think about dessert. You’ll gain five pounds just looking at the dessert menu. If you’re in the mood for something to cleanse your pallet, I hear chewing on a sprig of fresh mint can be quite tasty.
Who’s responsible for maintaining my department’s productivity? You are, Bossy-pants. Call up the personal trainer and dust off the old spandex cause it’s time for you to feel the burn. Fair warning: I’ve been in touch with your musculoskeletal system and they’ve informed me that most of the team aren’t quite game ready. So, you might want to ease into the whole exercise thing.
I asked your abused liver and kidneys if they were interested in joining me, but they said they’re part of an office pool with your eyesight, hearing, and sex-drive (the last one working wins the entire pot). I have, however, had some interesting conversations with your G.I. tract and you may have some sensitivities and intolerances on the horizon. I hope you weren’t too attached to gluten.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m scheduled to play pickleball with your meniscus and the elasticity of your skin.

The Finalists for Mindfulness Magician of the Year!

Wed, 07 Sep 2022 23:51:49 +0000

At a time when the world seems more divisive than ever, it’s important to remember that there is still good in the world. That’s why we’d like to take a moment to recognize the mindfulness magicians of the year: sensitive, social-aware individuals who are making a difference in the lives of others. These special people can be found in all walks of life, from educators to mental health professionals to, yes, even professional magicians.
Magnifico The Magnificent
Real Name: Dave The Magnificent
Signature Illusion: Coaxing a small rabbit out of the magic hat using kind words and statements of validation.
The Amazing Carl Abernathy
Real Name: Karl Abernathy
Signature Illusion: Cutting a woman in half, but only with her prior consent or when in need of an autopsy.
The Great Laverne
Real Name: Etherea Sparkle
Signature Illusion: Escaping a toxic relationship.
Explozo The Human Terror!
Real Name: Explozo Johnson
Signature Illusion: Transforming a dirty, littered, vacant lot into a basketball court for disadvantaged youth using only local municipal funds.
Countess Nefaria
Real Name: Debbie Sue Lynn Nefaria
Signature Illusion: Places a coin behind an audience member’s ear, and is able to make the coin mysteriously disappear! In actuality, the coin has been donated to one of several local charities.
Presto Chango
Real Name: Preston Chang
Signature Illusion: Levitating above the audience, while at the same time explaining to the crowd that no person is ever truly above another.
digital illustration by Marty Dundics

Eloise is STILL at The Plaza

Tue, 06 Sep 2022 13:23:53 +0000

~ Me ~
I am Eloise.
I am twenty-nine.
I am an adult (ish).
I STILL live at The Plaza.
I know it’s not as cool to live in Midtown anymore.
But my mom refuses to buy me a loft in DUMBO.
Which is RAWTHER frustrating!
So here I am living amongst tourists, tourists, tourists!
~ The Plaza ~
I spend an awful lot of time at The Plaza.
I’ve always been sort of a homebody that way.
Also, I don’t have a job.
I tell my mom finding my purpose in life is a full-time occupation.
Sometimes she hangs up the phone when I say that.
I enjoy being my own boss. Lots of people are doing that nowadays. I tell my mom this too. Sometimes that makes her sigh.
I also am quite good at being other people’s boss. Like all the employees at The Plaza.
My favorite person to boss around is Mr. Pippin.
Mr. Pippin is the hotel manager, and he is very old and very terrible.
Like seriously, this guy wouldn’t know a Chanel purse if it hit him in the face. Which did happen one time. But I honestly didn’t mean to.
Then there’s Jordan, the bartender. Jordan is hot, hot, hot! And he makes me French 75s. I RAWTHER like Jordan.
And then there’s Greene. I have never seen someone with so much acne. Sometimes in my head I call him gangrene. Greene opens the front door and carries people’s bags.
~ My Apartment ~
Greene also sometimes helps me when I get locked out of my apartment.
Sometimes I get a little sick of living at The Plaza, but I will NEVER not ADORE my apartment.
I live in the penthouse – of COURSE!
My penthouse has so many things I love:
My closet!
My dog DIOR! Dior is an english cream, miniature, long-haired dachshund. He is also perfect.
My claw-foot bathtub!
My pill-bottles!
My phone! Because my phone means ROOM SERVICE!
And room service means caviar! And champagne! And steak frites! Ooooo I just love room service!
~ My Nights ~
But one of the things I like the most is GOING OUT !!
Sometimes I go out in West Village!
Or East Village!
Or Brooklyn!
Or even Meatpacking!
I mean it’s New York City for heaven’s sake! The possibilities are endless!
A lot of nights – though – I just stay at The Plaza!
I’ll just put on a cute outfit (something with tulle – of course! ) and just sashay right on down to the hotel bar.
Jordan is usually there.
He’ll make me a drink.
A French 75 usually – my favorite!
Then we’ll just talk and talk and talk! We’re such good friends.
Sometimes other people will be at the bar, and Jordan will just HAVE to talk to them. But I can tell he hates it!
Then, at the end of the night, sometimes Jordan will escort me back to my room.
Then, I’ll just give him a little kiss.
Then, he’ll come into my apartment and make more French 75s.
Then, we’ll have a bunch of sex.
Then, he leaves.
Jordan is almost as good in bed as he is at making French 75s! Can you say, delicious!
Sometimes I feel a tiny bit guilty because technically I do have a boyfriend.
But most nights, I just fall right asleep from so many French 75s!
AH – it’s so nice to have friends right here – at the Plaza!
~ My Friends ~
Sometimes my other friends who don’t live here will come to visit me at The Plaza!
Last week my best friend from Sarah Lawrence, Margaux, came to visit with her husband, Tim.
She drags that guy freaking everywhere now! It really does drive me nuts, nuts, nuts!
Here are things I like: Martinis with Margaux.
Here are things I hate: Tim.
Anyways, martinis were going swimmingly.
Jordan made us drinks.
Then Margaux and I started talking about our outfits!
I had actually designed mine, and it was tres fabulous! Margaux was just saying so, when Tim said, “Do you think you’re going to live here the rest of your life?”
I mean, really! Can you actually believe it? What the fuck, Tim? This guy is SUCH a bother!
I don’t know HOW my friends can stand to be around these people they call HUSBANDS all day long!
That’s part of the reason why my absolute best friend of all is still Nanny.
Most unfortunately, Nanny can’t make it to The Plaza too very often because her hip is Fucked! Fucke...

Dear Hogwarts, I Am Absolutely Begging You To Fund the Humanities

Fri, 02 Sep 2022 15:25:12 +0000

Dear Headmaster Longbottom,
I hope this owl finds you well. I’m Beneforth Rapier-Bottles Wandsworth III (class of ‘04), long-time donor, current parent of a terrific Hufflepuff, and first-time letter-writer to a Hogwarts headmaster. I’ve got a pile of gold down in Gringotts earmarked for the Hogwarts Development Fund, and I am absolutely begging you to fund the humanities at Hogwarts.
Let’s start with hiring history professors who, unlike Professor Binns, happen to be alive. All the other ghosts at Hogwarts are either house mascots or dead students, and it’s unconscionable that we still employ a ghost to teach the humanities while Defense Against the Dark Arts, whose faculty have included a Voldemort-denier and a parasitic host for Voldemort himself, seems to get a new – breathing – teacher annually. Time for Hogwarts to reckon with its past by binning Professor Binns!
The Wizarding World would have defeated Voldemort much more easily if Hogwarts professors back in the ‘90s had, you know, actually talked about history. According to Harry Potter’s memoir (better on audiobook by the way), it took flattery and coercion for him to wheedle out Professor Slughorn’s memory of telling Tom Riddle about horcruxes! How is this not on a History of Magic syllabus? Veritaserum should not be necessary for telling the truth about the past.
Potter’s book also highlighted a key moment when Hermione Granger had to derail class to get Binns to talk about the Chamber of Secrets, a move that ended up saving lives. Binns’ preference for “fact” over “legend” is pretty misguided because legends and myths motivate people to do extraordinary things. He’d know this if he taught actual history. Binns hasn’t added to his professional development hours since the 1800s, and it shows!
Robust history education at Hogwarts is key to preventing future Death Eating and can nourish the inclusive and multicultural magical society the majority of the magical community want. Maybe even start with hiring multiple live professors? I can’t speak for all the alumni but I doubt Hogwarts can pull off yet another capital campaign big enough to rebuild the castle like they did after the Battle of Hogwarts if they’re backward-looking in all the wrong ways. It’s like the school has cast an obliviate charm on their entire community, which is simply riddikulus.
Look, even our competitor schools like Durmstrang and Beauxbatons have been using 100% alive (or nearly-alive) faculty since at least the First Wizarding War. And even mail-order educational materials for Squibs are sent by currently living adjunct professors and independent scholars, some of whom even offer hybrid education. Quit leaving it up to students to learn things like the erasure of house-elves and their unpaid labor from Hogwarts: A History (First Edition). What’s Hogwarts’ excuse for this? Our institution has a golden snitch of an opportunity to emphasize the importance of history for our young generation of witches and wizards. It’s as if Hogwarts’ history lives in the Restricted Section waiting to be discovered by typically rule-following student activists.
When I was at Hogwarts the jokes about Binns just wrote themselves: “he’s so boring I could die,” or “there he goes calling a three-and-a-half-foot scroll on the Goblin Rebellions a ‘learning opportunity’ again, I can see right through him.” History of Magic was the most boring class available to students then, with all due respect to the Runes faculty.
The more I read about the The Daily Prophet’s recent reckoning with its own history, the more I’m convinced that Hogwarts needs to do the same––although Hogwarts would do well do avoid slogans like The Daily Prophet’s: “Magic Is Might But We Swear We’re Not Death Eaters.” The paper of record is doing a good job covering the adjunctification of the American education system, too, and I’ll be stupefied if my potential donation is used to replace Binns with underpaid witches and wizards who have to turn the...

God Announces He Will Forgive Some Sins

Thu, 01 Sep 2022 20:29:02 +0000

“The Hill reported on Tuesday that the White House would announce a plan to cancel a chunk of student loan debt and an extension of the existing pause, citing multiple sources. The announcement comes within the smallest window of time borrowers have had to determine when their payments would resume, which has aggravated advocates due to it leaving borrowers in limbo.”
“While the cancellation will be celebrated as the most far-reaching move to help student loan borrowers, activists and some Democrats will also likely call for more in student loan forgiveness, like forgiving up to $50,000 per borrower, or overhauling federal loan programs.”
Hark, faithful followers – big news! I’ve heard your prayers, listened in on your private confessionals, and witnessed your outstanding, lifelong devotedness to My Holy Word – and I’m proud to announce that I am now able to forgive some of your sins!
I understand many of you believed that if you confessed and repented for your sins, I would forgive each and every one of them, cleanse you of all unrighteousness, and grant you eternity in heaven. Unfortunately, it’s looking like I’ll only be able to forgive a small chunk of them at the moment.
I will be directing my compassion toward those most in need – as we can all agree, the most vile sin in our world is being poor. Therefore, I’ve decided to forgive a small fraction of wrongdoings for each of the most destitute among us to help ease the burden that is placed on their wretched souls. Now, will I forgive enough of their sins to get them into God’s glorious heavenly kingdom? No, not even close. They will still have a lot of catching up to do, and frankly, most of them simply do not have the time or resources to have their indebted souls cleansed for good.
Thus, in keeping with My Blessed Promises, I will be forgiving up to three sins at this time, including: envy (been dreaming of a better life? I’ll give you a pass on that for now), cursing or otherwise using My name in vain (but only if it was in an old-timey way, like “Good God!” or “Jeez Louise!” – absolutely no salvation for anyone who’s ever sang “God Is a Woman”), and working on Sunday (because many of you probably can’t afford a day off). But that’s all I can do for the time being!
I mean, sure, I’m all-powerful, but that doesn’t mean I can just do whatever I want! The Devil has a lot of sway over all eternal afterlife-related policies, and I can’t just bypass his will and do as I please, however much I would love to do so!
Think about the prayer economy! If we forgive too many sins, then there won’t be enough prayers for salvation coming in to sustain our Saints. Plus, a lot of people wish for ice luges in their Forever Paradise in the Sky. Do you know how expensive those are? If we get an unprecedented influx of people coming into heaven, all wishing for their own personal ice luge, I’m going to have to start laying off angels. Or worse — the angels will unionize for better prayers, preventing Me from firing them, and I Myself will have to take a prayer cut. We must maintain the delicate balance of our prayer-based gatekeeping system for entry to My Kingdom.
Even though currency in any form is basically nonexistent up here and I could theoretically make new prayers, it’s still something that I don’t want to do for some reason.
You guys get it, don’t you? I can’t let just anyone through these pearly gates, no matter how deeply they repent or how much of their earthly existence they toil away in service to Me – even though that is the entire foundation upon which your God-fearing faith is built. I mean, some people have to go to Hell, don’t they? How else would the Devil and I be able to coexist in disquieting harmony?
I am also well-aware that many souls have been left in limbo – hovering between an eternal afterlife in the promised land and one damned to never-ending torment in Hell – waiting for Me to make a decision on this. Trust me, it kills Me as much as it kills you (well, ...

Quiz: Are You a Worker Under Late Stage Capitalism or a Monkey Trying to Type Shakespeare as Part of the Infinite Monkey Theorem?

Wed, 31 Aug 2022 23:48:43 +0000

Do you work the typical 9am-5pm workday schedule?
A. Technically, yes. But my boss regularly emails me at night and on the weekends.
B. mnvbor die48vns 2lv ed]bmnei ne cnd wj ns xui ns
Have your wages kept up with the cost of living?
A. No. I haven’t received a raise in years! And my company doesn’t offer cost of living increases to keep apace with inflation, either.
B. emnc fiv hj jdp38v kig id xivjf cxji xv romeo
Do you receive paid sick leave and/or the following benefits: healthcare, vision care, dental insurance, parental leave, subsidized child care?
A. Alright, now I feel like you’re rubbing it in.
B. fdjk kgjhgfdsgfhgfjxhcgkjvhh ro meo jul iet
How much do you make relative to your boss? What about the CEO? The company shareholders?
A. Just you asking that question makes me want to bash my skull against this keyboard.
B. but soft what light through yonder window breaks it is the east and dk7nakafic is the sun
Do you feel valued as an employee?
A. kdfiuosbnwer bgsk eugxcfmr fdmxbc goirgep
B. kd vc gfiovn sdaiovxczm sdabf dfkgla kcnfsdivjkd
If you answered mostly As: you’re a worker trying to make ends meet in late stage capitalism, which prioritizes profits over people. Don’t stop working!!! Your work is important and leading somewhere.
If you answered mostly Bs: you’re a monkey trying to type the works of Shakespeare as part of the Infinite Monkey Theorem. Don’t stop typing!!! Your work is important and leading somewhere.

What Your Favorite Restaurant Bread Says About You

Wed, 31 Aug 2022 00:34:48 +0000

We all love complimentary bread to tide us over while we small-talk-it-out with our loved ones. The ambiance of a chain dining restaurant is unmatched. But, before you reach for the next roll, here’s what your favorite bread truly says about you from a chain restaurant connoisseur (credentials pending):
Olive Garden Breadsticks: This is a safe choice. If you choose this one, your idea of luxury is probably going to a Sunday matinee of an animated movie at one of the movie theaters with big recliners.
Cheesecake Factory Brown Bread and Baguettes: Congratulations, fancy pants! Is your cummerbund too tight? Much like the baguette on the table, you likely have a bunch of stuff that’s just for show in your home, like a room in your house just for sitting.
Texas Roadhouse Rolls: You have a wild side I mean who else is willing to eat hot rolls with a side of the salt sucked off a peanut shell?
Red Lobster Cheddar Biscuits: You’ve loved these biscuits your whole life, which means for every celebration meal you’re choosing Red Lobster. You are loyal, which leads to you constantly hyping everything up more than it deserves; you think escape rooms are fun outings, you believe that your 200 sq ft studio positioned by the highway is a ‘good’ value, and you were a Quibi subscriber until the end because you believed it was the future of consuming video content.
Panera Bread: You have the option between Scramble Title flavored chips and an apple, but you chose the bread. You start to eat your meal, and you put together you’re eating a sandwich a.k.a two pieces of bread with a side of you guessed it, one piece of bread. If this is you, then you recognize your mistakes and live with them, which is commendable.
Outback Brown Bread: Your mouth waters when that loaf of bread with a steak knife stabbed into its side comes to the table because TRAVEL. IS. YOUR. PASSION. And, by the sight of the authentic bloomin’ onion on the table, you are no longer in an outlet mall. Mate, you are Down Under. Because you’re a travelista, you likely studied abroad in college. You went to Grenada, and somehow you managed to incorporate that fact into dinner conversation. Every Throwback Thursday you post that picture you took in front of the Basilica de San Juan with the caption, “Missing Spain so hard right now, mwah. #Wunderlust”
O’Charley’s Rolls: You’re a great person. No notes.

EXCERPT: The Complete Book of Cat Names (That Your Cat Won't Answer to, Anyway)

Fri, 26 Aug 2022 17:55:26 +0000

Excerpt from the 2022 Pulitzer Prize Front-runner
It is probably the most difficult question in one’s life. Naming one’s cat will set the tone for the rest of their personal and professional life. The Complete Book of Cat Names (That Your Cat Won’t Answer To Anyway) was written to tackle that very question. Times bestseller Bob Eckstein says of his latest effort, “Probably the most important piece of literary since the Bible. It’s actually right up there with it. I worked months on this and it is dedicated to my three-legged cat, Tripod.”
Basically, a baby name book but the babies were replaced by kittens. There are over 100,000 names.with about a 1,000 included in this book. The following is a sampling:
Trailer Park Cats
Feces
Cat Lady Gaga
Road Kill
Hairball
Catcall
Nicotine Patches
Billy Bobcat
Porn Names For Cats
Misty Stray
Communal Kitty
Ginger Cougar
Tom Cat
Deep Coat
Kinky Boots
Kitty Kitty Bang Bang
Feline Groovy
Felix the Bad Cat
Fluffer
FlufferNutter
Free Fur-all
Kit ‘n’ Kabooty
Cats That Refuse To Use Litter Box
Granted, not every cat experience is a fun one. And it’s times like those an owner needs to maintain their sense of humor no matter how trying. For cats who perceive the litter box as the size of a postage stamp, we present you this list.
Surprises
U Kitten Me
Scat Cat
Squirt
Stains
Turd Blossom
Missy
Mr. Headache
Poop Fairy
Messy
Mops
Tinkle
Pick it up today!

Summer Barbecue Tips from the Supreme Court of the United States

Thu, 25 Aug 2022 23:37:12 +0000

Associate Justice Samuel Alito
Send out the invitations ASAP! Draft them one month in advance and stick to your choice of date and location with ironclad, unwavering resolve. Express indifference to any despair about its remoteness and inaccessibility and push ahead, defying all logic and human decency. If anyone is traumatized, harmed, or killed outright while traveling to your barbecue, they should have exercised personal accountability! Wash your hands of it all and husk that corn!
Chief Justice John Roberts
Summer is only getting hotter and deadlier due to the scourge of climate change, so play it safe. Drink lots of water, wear sunscreen, and stay in the shade. The occasional megadrought will affect access to that life-sustaining fluid, so you’d better stock up, especially if you depend on Lake Mead to get it. Capping carbon emissions and forcing a transition from fossil fuels may be a sensible solution to the crisis someday, but not barbecue day! The IPCC gave us until the end of the decade for humanity to get its act together, and we still have a finite, ever decreasing amount of time left before hitting the point of no return. You may not fully agree with the opinions of your fellow barbecue planners, but who are you to rock the boat? Twiddle your thumbs like the feckless enabler of deplorable barbecue practices you are and have a hot dog!
Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh
What time is it? checks watch BEER O’CLOCK!! Brands like Budweiser and Coors are fine, but you can show off a refined palate at your cookout with microbrews and imports. If you’re a devotee, display your skills with a personalized craft beer you made yourself. I call mine Hard Justice, but enough about my penis! If the ladies decline a brewski, or an innocent little smooch, push them over in their lawn chairs in full view of numerous eyewitnesses and lay one on ‘em! I think I did something like this at another barbecue decades ago. Let me check my calendar.
Associate Justice Sonia Sotomayor
Wow. The majority of the people overseeing this barbecue are making decisions that negatively impact all other barbecues. Whatever the scope of these tips may be, it’s clear they’ll curtail the fundamental barbecue rights of all U.S. citizens.
Associate Justice Amy Coney Barrett
Bring the kids! Mandate it! The guests might not want kids at the barbecue and may have them there through no fault of their own, or any degree of consent. It might not even be conducive to guests’ health or lives to have kids at the barbecue, but there are alternatives! Find the nearest fire or police station ahead of time and drop the youngins off there if they become burdensome. That’s what progressives call a safe space! Whatever you do, don’t offer monetary or logistical support to them during those nine months before grillin’ time. You could get sued by another barbecue host halfway across the country for that display of compassion! Hey, we don’t make these barbecue tips, we just allow them to take effect by kicking them back to the heartless bastards at the state level who did.
Associate Justice Elana Kagan
Uh.whatever you may think you know; you don’t have a clue about responsible barbecue planning. This deranged barbecue committee has declared itself the authority on all barbecues? I cannot think of many things more frightening.
Associate Justice Neil Gorsuch
Remember to give thanks to the Lord God Himself! Since separation of church and state is no longer a thing, gather your guests of various faiths, or lack thereof, and lead them in a Christian-centric Grace. If a coach can do this on the football field of a public school, what’s stopping you from mandating it in your backyard? If you don’t, we’ll do it for you!
Associate Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
I’m one generation late, but thanks for the invite! Oh. This place is a mess. These barbecues have really gotten out of hand since the mid to late 2000s. I’ll help clean up, but I think it will take another generation to do it....

Meet the Animal Mayors Running, Scampering, and Flying for Reelection in 2022

Thu, 25 Aug 2022 23:09:21 +0000

Gordy the Great Dane | Wisconsin
At 13 years old, Gordy is defying the life expectancy of the average Great Dane. Despite his apparent good health, City Hall has a special closet where staffers store mourning clothes, and an unpaid intern monitors his breathing during his near-constant naps. Gordy hits the campaign trail during his daily walks around the block, but is having trouble swaying voters who identify as cat-people. An opposition Super PAC recently revealed Gordy has a secret second family. This likely won’t affect his chances at re-election, however, as his human opponent also has a secret second family.
Muffin the Three-Legged Tabby Cat | New Hampshire
Muffin compulsively knocks over glasses of water, soaking all the bills awaiting her mayoral paw print. Critical budget appropriations have been waylaid due to water damage, and the city’s infrastructure is crumbling as a result. Opponents claim she loathes her constituents, but supporters proudly assert that Muffin does not give a rat’s ass about anything or anybody, making her the perfect political outsider. She has no discernible platform, beliefs, or interests, and is favored to win re-election by 7-1 odds.
Blossom the Possum | Idaho
Blossom got elected by playing the girl boss card exclusively and extensively. She plans to win re-election using the same strategy, which includes playing dead whenever confronted with a question about: the overturning of Roe v. Wade, threats to LGBTQ+ rights, the affordable housing crisis, that weird smell emanating from the manhole by the 67 bus stop on Pocket Ave, and any other issue that falls under her jurisdiction as mayor. Despite her constant diversions and evasions, her line of “Girl Bloss!” merchandise is thriving, raking in a whopping $500K of net profit last quarter that neither her constituents nor the IRS will ever see.
Democracy the Goat | Georgia
Democracy is currently being audited because he ate his own tax returns. He spends most of his time working on his screenplay and doesn’t pay much attention to the daily demands of running a city. He is very self-critical and has been known to chew up unsatisfying pages, leaving him perpetually stuck on the first act of his feature. Conservative city council members have been capitalizing on his preoccupation by purging the local library of 95% of its books. He will win re-election by gobbling up all of the votes for his opponent.
Titus the Sugar Glider That Turned Out to be a Flying Squirrel | Ohio
The previous human mayor’s teenage son bought the current mayor off of craigslist. The listing described Titus as a “very expensive rare & LEGIT sugar Glider $700 OBO.” However, a vet quickly confirmed Titus was, in fact, a fully feral flying squirrel. The youths found this story “funny AF” and started an unprecedented grassroots campaign to get Titus elected as the new mayor. Turnout among registered voters aged 18-24 was over 90%. Sadly, Titus succumbed to rabies shortly after being sworn in. Anyone who came into contact with Titus was required to receive an emergency inoculation, prompting citywide anti-vaccine mandate protests. These demonstrations fanned the flames of already intense anti-government sentiment, and the town is now planning to disincorporate.
Morrissey the Bobcat | Delaware
Morrissey rose to political prominence on a wave of fear mongering now known as “The Delaware Scare.” His supporters promised he wouldn’t actually follow through on any of his threats, and pointed to his many charitable donations to the Association for Squirrel Safety. Despite being a physical danger to everyone who works in city hall, Morrissey will likely win his re-election bid by mauling poll workers until election officials find him 11,000 votes.
Tippy the Tortoise | Florida
Affectionately known as the “Marsh Monarch,” Tippy has been mayor of this coastal city for 95 years. He has seen mighty politicians rise and fall, and yet he has remained. Despite a rumored networth of $7B, he ha...

REVIEW: The Disastrous Dating Life Of Diane Damone

Tue, 23 Aug 2022 18:25:23 +0000

Love, dating and relationships have long been fertile ground for comedy. Like war, corruption and embarrassing bodily functions, love and sex are forever a part of what makes us human. And just as with all of the other aforementioned subjects, there’s a lot of opportunity to make some really sick, funny jokes.
But for every Nora Ephron romantic comedy masterpiece, you’ve got several dozen Katherine Heigl drama-coms written by someone whose only other writing credit is their Who’s Th’ Boss erotic fan-fiction blog.
Thankfully we can now also point to The Disastrous Dating Life Of Diane Damone as another example of the good stuff. From writer / director Joseph Patrick Conroy and stand-up Brittany Brave as the title character, this show proves that this sub-genre has quite a bit of life in it after all.
The basic rom-com set-up of “woman with a less-than-satisfactory dating history going on a series of romantic misadventures” is given a fresh coat of paint by some very funny writing, and by Brittany herself, who is as funny as she is charming and likable (which is to say, very).
At only eight or nine minutes per episode, The Disastrous Dating Life Of Diane Damone is easily consumed in one sitting, or parsed out an episode or two at a time to chill out after another long day of your own, no doubt less humorous, romantic misadventures.
It’s now streaming on Tubi and The Roku Channel.
The Disastrous Dating Life of Diane Damone is a fresh new series following the musings of an insecure, self-aware 30-something woman taking on romance. The series, which was created by Joseph Patrick Conroy, takes its inspiration from shows like Flea Bag, High Maintenance, and Broad City with its sex-positive, sarcastic and raw dialogue. Comedian Brittany Brave stars as the title character, Diane. An accomplished stand-up and performer, Brave has been featured on TBS, MTV, The Wendy Williams Show and more and has been named Best New Talent by NY Comedy Festival as well as Miami New Times Best Comedian for 2021.
Brave, who’s also a co-producer and writer on the show, worked alongside director/creator Conroy for many years before joining forces on the series. From casting to production and release, Conroy and Brave treated the series as a true passion project and opportunity to highlight some of the best and most original comedic voices in NYC. The show features an ensemble cast including Joe Naimoli, Tomas Delgado, Alessio Araujo, Michael Pomeroy, Elyse DeLucci, and R. Alex Murray.
Despite a small, out-of-pocket budget and a slew of COVID-19 restrictions, the team produced the initial three pilot episodes in a pandemic-ridden NYC in late 2020. Thanks to the generosity of a number of local businesses, the independent cast/crew hustled and made it in time for an early 2021 release and virtual premiere party that garnered more than 150 viewers around the world. The show organically attracted an impressive amount of early buzz, picking up rave reviews from The Laugh Button, Queens Ledger, SiriusXM, Blurred Culture and other online tastemakers in film and comedy, as well as exclusive brand partnerships from SATISFYER sexual wellness devices and Ladybox Boutique feminine care devices.

The 5 Stages of Grief Automated Voice Message System

Tue, 23 Aug 2022 18:00:23 +0000

Thank you for calling 1-800-MY-GRIEF. We’re sorry for your loss.
If you believe you have reached this number in error or that your friend or loved one cannot possibly be dead say “DENIAL” otherwise, press 1.
Gracias por llamar al 1-800-MY-GRIEF. Para Español, presione nueve.
You’ve pressed 1 is this correct?
Yes.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Great. You’re currently in a state of ANGER. Is this because we asked you to confirm if you pressed 1 twice?
Kind of.
Sorry, I didn’t get that: Are you experiencing ANGER because of the redundancy of this automated system or because you are in the second stage of grief known as ANGER?
If redundancy, press 1. If grief, press 2.
Great. You’re currently angry because a friend or loved one has passed away. Please stay on the line while we process that into our system.
.All done. Are you still there?
Yes.
Great, sounds like you’ve been doing some processing of your own.
Now tell me: Would you do anything to bring your friend or loved one back? If so, say “BARGAINING”. You can also say, “I’M STILL ANGRY” or throw your phone out the window.
Bargaining.
Sounds like you’re currently in a state of BARGAINING. Would you like to hear about exclusive travel deals from our sponsors?
No.
Got it. We’ll still text you with those offers after this call.
Let’s try this: Are you replaying past events, wondering what you could have done differently? If so, press 1. If not, press 2.
You’ve pressed 1, is that correct?
Yes.
Are you angry because we asked you to confirm pressing 1 again? You can be honest.
No.
NO you don’t want to be honest, or NO you’re not angry? For avoiding honesty say “DENIAL”, for not angry say “BARGAINING”. You can also say “ANGRY AGAIN”.
Bargaining.
Sounds like you are contemplating hypotheticals or past regrets. Are you sure you don’t want to hear about those exclusive offers from our sponsor? If you do, say
YES!
1-800-MY-GRIEF has teamed up with CheapTravelToday.com to bring you
DAMN IT!
Sorry, I didn’t get that.
Speak to a representative.
Sounds like you want to talk to someone, is that right?
Yes.
Great, that’s why I’m here. Press “1” to confirm that you are still
You’ve pressed 0. Is this because you’re trying to reach an actual human person?
Yes.
We do not have those.
Are you feeling depressed? If yes, audibly sigh. You can also groan or stare blankly ahead.
Great, sounds like you are staring blankly ahead in a state of DEPRESSION. Is this because I do not have the ability to understand human emotion, or because a friend or loved one has passed away?
Both.
I get that. Sorry if I didn’t make it clear earlier. I’m a computer generated phone tree.
Do you accept this as true? You can say DENIAL or ACCEPT.
Accept.
Sure thing. Sounds like you are in a state of ACCEPTANCE. If this is solely because you have accepted that I am constructed of 1’s and 0’s, press 1 or 0. If you have also accepted that your friend or loved one has passed away, press any other number.
Got it. Sounds like you understand I am not a real person, but are still having trouble accepting the recent loss of a friend or loved one. Is this right?
Yes.
We’re sorry for your loss. One moment while we log that in our system.
.Ok. All done. Please stay on the line until a sense of acceptance washes over you.
This could take a while.
.Looks like you’re still on the line. Have you accepted that your friend or loved one has passed away yet?
No.
Got it. For an automated call back in 24 hours, press 1. To talk to a living friend or loved one who can help you through this difficult time, dial any other number in your phone.
Thank you for calling 1-800-MY-GRIEF, presented by CheapTravelToday.com.

CARTOON: Mis-Fortune Cookie

Fri, 19 Aug 2022 20:26:00 +0000

CARTOON: Airflow

Fri, 19 Aug 2022 20:10:22 +0000

Talkward w/ guest AJ DiCosimo

Fri, 19 Aug 2022 19:38:44 +0000

This episode of Talkward welcomes humor writer and performer AJ ‘Sweet Pea’ DiCosimo. AJ has been published many times in The New Yorker, as well as Weekly Humorist and he even snuck into being a writer for MAD. Have you ever heard a story from a guy who covers his naked body in shaving cream and plays Tom Petty songs? You will. He’s a punk rock comedy guy from Cleveland, whose day jobs have given him the perspective that lead him to the more silly, absurdist side of humor. Follow AJ

StreetEasy Listings From Your Broker, Edgar Allan Poe

Thu, 18 Aug 2022 21:57:07 +0000

Thy soul shall find one lone window
‘Mid box of living, so shallow
The spirits of the West Village who cooked
In the kitchen, clung to thy bathtub, no door
A fee of broker doth apply, tho’ tour you have booked
Be still in that solitude,
Which is not loneliness – for the screams
From the radiator pipe in the middle of thy entryway
Beware in BOND real estate, exit this page if poor or signed with guarantor
No fear, for in the lobby bare marble walls and marble halls
Shall overpower thee two times the stairs, equal flights of four
The studio, tho’ 2 roaches clear under paint of lead
Is of grim desire, your worth of forty times the rent
Unless Papa shows worthiness of thousand of three
What does he accomplish? We shiver at collars of white-
Over there! Through the rodent made hole within the recycling bin lay a tree
With heat and water to mortals given –
But their electricity, without Verizon
MUST YOU REALLY NEED THAT DOG OR CAT?
As ample storage a plenty, uncommon as is
Trade thy Australian Shephard for stainless steel appliances
Now are studios thou shalt not fear
Now are washers and dryers, do come hither
For a blue collar, we shiver, but a white collar
We quiver
Speak now, or live amongst the dreary skies of reflection
From north facing neighbor, Jennifer
Once upon an Upper East Side dreary
And the midst upon a Lenwich
Shadowy, a built in Fredeirich
Tho’ with heat and water that do scorch, can’t forget a dusty vent
Quote Thomas, the lord of lands,
“Nevermore, the fee” said he, “surely Father can Zelle 3 months rent”
For the Newest of Jersey’s would never suffice
Thy hardwood floorboards, beneath lie your new roommate
Fear Linus, the lord of Hell’s Kitchen, leader of the mice

I Miss the Good Old Days When Healthy Relationship Standards Meant Men Doing Whatever They Wanted and Women Shutting the Hell Up

Wed, 17 Aug 2022 20:09:48 +0000

“Dating opportunities for heterosexual men are diminishing as healthy relationship standards change.” –Psychology Today, 8/9/22
As a heterosexual man in 2022, I’ve never been more lonely. Back in the good old days, “healthy relationship standards” were logical and easy for me to understand. Back then, I always knew what the expectations in the relationship were for me because I set them. There was never any dissatisfaction or disagreement because I never listened. If I didn’t hear it firsthand, the problem wouldn’t exist.
Our relationship was always 50/50. I went out with the guys while my wife put the kids to bed and shut the hell up. I came home from work and planted myself in front of the TV while my wife prepared dinner after chasing the kids all day and shutting the hell up. Sometimes, I would even go out to a totally different bar with the guys while my wife put the same kids to bed and shut the hell up.
Life was simple and we were all happier. At least, I was happier and I assume my wife was fine with it because she never said anything. She said something about being financially dependent on me because I never let her work, but I just turned up the volume on the game. It was always better to let her cool down on her own and then come back to me and not say anything.
When my third wife found out I was on a dating app, she was so pissed. But I calmly assured her that it had nothing to do with her personality, it was just her body that was a problem. Besides, I was lonely. After years of not responding to my wife when she had something to say, she had started doing the same to me and frankly I had had enough of the nonsense.
But stepping back into the online dating game as a married man was harder than I thought. Women these days have ridiculous standards, like “not being married” and “cutting my toenails.” Excuse me, looking for someone to cut my toenails is why I’m on this dumb app in the first place. I guess this is why me and millions of other heterosexual men are so lonely.
From there, things just went downhill. One bitch accused me of being “rude,” “chauvinistic” and having “the communication skills of a 63-year-old who never matured past 8.” So I blocked her and reported her to authorities for being a whore. I can’t believe I didn’t get a second date.
And boy, do women these days talk. I went out with this ugly girl for a drink because I was pissed off because the wife was talking to me, and all this girl wanted to do was tell me about herself. She asked me what I did for a living and how my day was, but when I answered by checking the scores of the game on my phone, she started talking about herself. It would have been fine if she was interesting (hot), but she was nothing of the sort. I told her I had to use the bathroom and escaped through a third-story window. I honestly don’t understand why she didn’t want to keep talking after that.
I know I’m not the problem. The problem is women and algorithms. Women are too complicated, and so are algorithms. Put the two together, and you have a dating puzzle that not even the smartest man (Joe Montana) can solve.
The only way to make men happy again is by returning to the old days. We get to do whatever we want, and women shut the hell up. It’s the silent bliss that’s kept society cohesive for millennia, I don’t see why we should start seeing women as people now.

Jabba the Husband

Tue, 16 Aug 2022 20:55:55 +0000

(This is Jabba the Hutt’s middle class, suburban life. We see Jabba as a bedraggled commuter, with loosened tie, squashed fedora and a newspaper under his arm.)
“What a day I had.”
(A weary Jabba the Hutt addresses us.)
“You know that servant girl in the gold bikini? She tried to strangle me!”
(We see familiar scenes from ‘Return of the Jedi’.)
“Then three guys and this big dog blew up my floating palace.”
“After that, my only way home was by Uber. And the driver was playing pro-rebel talk radio, which was the last thing I wanted to hear. Plus, he smoked.”
“I was so mad, I gave the driver one star. And froze him in carbonite,” said Jabba the Hutt. “Anyway, that’s why I’m late for dinner.”
“Poor baby,” said his wife, Jenna the Hutt. She gave him a big wet sloppy goopy stringy kiss on the forehead.
(We see Jabba’s doting wife. She, and everyone in Jabba’s family, are bloated, slimy Hutts, but in typical suburban clothes. It’s a standard middle class home, except that the pictures on the walls are different creatures frozen in carbonite.)
“I made your favorite dinner,” said Jenna. “Roast suckling Ewok.”
“My mouth is watering,” said Jabba the Hutt. Of course, his mouth was always watering.
Jabba smiled when he saw his beautiful family gathered around the dinner table. There were his twin daughters Debbi and Bobbi the Hutt. These girls were inseparable. At least that’s what the doctors said.
And his mother, Nana the Hutt. She was nine thousand years old and looked twice that. She was so wrinkled no one knew quite where her face was.
Finally there was Jabba’s son, Jabba Junior, a chip off the old blob. He had his head down and hadn’t said a word. “JJ, what’s wrong?” asked Jabba.
“Nothin’,” grunted Jabba Junior.
“Nothing’s wrong? That’s great!” said Jabba the Hutt. “Let’s eat!”
Jabba’s wife cleared her throat meaningfully.
“I mean, let’s do parenting,” said Jabba. “What’s the matter, son?”
“The kids at school called me a name,” said Jabba Junior.
Jenna the Hutt said, “Well, you tell those boys ‘Laser guns can melt my buns, but names will never hurt me.’”
“True! I’ve melted many buns with laser guns! Let’s eat!” said Jabba. He was starving.
Debbi and Bobbi asked in unison, “What name did they call you?”
Jabba Junior was quiet for a moment, then muttered, “Slobbo the Hutt.”
“Slobbo the Hutt?” cried his father. He let out a hearty laugh. “Glop glopglopglopglop!”
Jenna gave Jabba a look that froze him like carbonite.
Jabba the Hutt feared nothing in this universe except his wife. He knew he had to say something fatherly, and fast!
“Son, tomorrow I’m going to visit that boy’s home and sell his parents into bondage.”
“No, Jabba,” said his wife.
“I mean, I’m going to talk to his parents and then blow up their whole planet.”
“No, Jabba.”
Jabba the Hutt was all out of good ideas. So he decided to try being honest. “Son, you won’t believe this, but when I was your age. I used to be fat.”
“No!” gasped Debbi and Bobbi in unison.
“It’s true,” said Nana the Hutt. “He looked like SySnootles swallowed the Death Star.”
“Thank you, Mother,” said Jabba tightly.
“The kids at school called me names too,” Jabba the Hutt went on.
“What kind of names?” asked Jabba Junior.
Jabba the Hutt’s lip quivered. “They called me. Blubber the Butt.”
The whole family burst into laughter.
“Silence!” roared Jabba. He slammed the table so hard the wood splintered and everybody’s milk spilled.
“Anyhoo.” Jabba continued, “To prove I wasn’t a loser, the next day I summoned up all my courage and asked the prettiest girl in school to the dance.”
“What happened?” asked the son.
“She said yes,” smiled Jabba. “And then I married her. We had two beautiful girls and the best-looking boy in the star system.”
Jabba Junior smiled. Jabba the Hutt tousled his son’s hair, or would have if he had any hair.
Mrs. The Hutt brought out a steaming platter of roast Ewok.
(Looks like monstrous version of Norman Rockwell’s dinner painting “Freedom from Want”. Instead of a turkey, there is a roa...

Grandma’s Quick & Easy Chocolate Chip Cookies and Entire Life

Tue, 16 Aug 2022 19:13:13 +0000

Two Eggs
It was a dark and dreary 1930s morning outside Wichita. The earth was dry but Grandma’s eyes were not. The house was no longer hers. In a game of marbles, she had literally bet the farm. Leaving her husband behind, Grandma hopped in her truck. She had stolen it. That was so Grandma. It was all she had to her name, save for a single hen. Grandma had stolen that, too. During the long trek to California Grandma survived solely on her hen’s eggs. She ate scrambled eggs, over easy eggs, hard boiled eggs, soft boiled eggs. Eggs were very useful. However, now sick of eggs, she celebrated the first sight of the Pacific Ocean with grilled chicken.
One Stick Butter
Before my grandma had laid her stake in Kansas, she’d been a city slicker in a little place called Chicago, back in 1871. When she wasn’t shirking her skirts and splashing around in Lake Michigan bare naked, she was gambling away her inheritance from her late second husband. One night, during a heated game of chance in a dingy barn, granny kicked over a lantern after a particularly bad hand. When the barn burst into flames, Grandma, used to the nude, bucked her flammable clothes, grabbed all the money in the pot, hopped on a cow and rode into that smoky night. She laid low in hiding with the heifer after that, where she quickly learned that not only could a cow provide life-giving milk, but if you sloshed that milk around enough, you could spread that creamy byproduct called Butter on just about anything to make it taste better- especially the cow.
Teaspoon Vanilla
Ever the romantic, Grandma went searching for love in Paris in 1788. During a high-stakes croquet game, Grandma bet a handsome viscount that if she won, he had to take her on a very expensive date. My grandma cheated to win, and was thus invited to a Royal ball. As she nursed her tenth glass of champagne at the occasion, (Grandma was always the life of the party!) a man tapped her on the shoulder. That man was Thomas Jefferson, U.S. Ambassador to France. My grandma ditched her French date and danced with the American until, fearing my Grandmother might vomit from the excessive champagne, Jefferson presented her with a scoop of Vanilla Bean ice cream. Grandma had never tasted something so delicate and sweet before. Just a small amount of vanilla made all the difference, she noted. It was so delicious grandma moved on to her third man of the night: the chef!
Teaspoon Sea Salt
After a major falling out with her social circle in the early 17th century English countryside, my exceptionally polarizing Grandma decided to leave for a new life abroad. But she couldn’t shake her affection for The Earl, Betrothed To Another. Each night aboard the Mayflower she would lean far over the edge of the ship, screaming into the wind until her lungs burned more acutely than her heart. Her tears mixed with the ocean spray, and flooded her senses with salt. From then on, boats reminded grandma of the Earl, which thankfully kept her off the Titanic, the Lusitania, and Shackleton’s Endurance. With a new man to dim the memory of the Earl, however, Grandma did unfortunately wind up on the Ever Given container ship.
One Cup Chocolate Chips
This was not the first time grandma shed tears over a man. In 1519 she was in a long distance relationship with Hernán Cortés, not the first (or last!) conquistador who was smitten with my Grandma. He spent twenty years in Mexico, which was a bit taxing on their relationship. He returned to Spain carrying with him new foods, new spices, and a new girlfriend. Livid, Grandma looted Cortés’ cargo, grabbing everything she could. Among these items was a small tin of cacao powder. Cortés attempted to win her back, but that ship had sailed. Grandma and her new lover were already expecting my mom.
One Cup Sugar
In 356 BC, my Grandma, ever the socialite, found herself in the company of Alexander The Great – or as she called him, Alexander The Good Enough – and learned of this incredible new substance he...

Inventory List Of The FBI's Raid Of Trump

Fri, 12 Aug 2022 20:20:58 +0000

Season Pass to Jeffrey Epstein’s island.
Schematics from team of scientists hired to create a lab-grown clone combining the DNA of Vladimir Putin and Papa John.
Several dozen cases of condoms made exclusively for Trump, due to particularly small size not produced by condom companies.
Creepy basement shrine to himself.
Computer files containing the secret identity of Q (it’s Tony Danza!!)
Small vial of psoriasis flakes from Hitler’s mustache.
McDonalds’ Grimace life size sex doll, including real ranch dressing dispenser.
Parchment copy of a deal with Lucifer, supplying him with two more years of life in exchange for the lives of his wife, children and grandchildren.
George Washington’s dentures, seemingly used regularly as a bathtub toy.
Trump steaks made of real Trump! (mostly his mother)
Flash drive titled “Bill Cosby’s Favorite Drink Recipes”
Special MyPillow made exclusively for him, comprised of human skin, a confederate flag, and Ivanka’s soiled undergarments.
Constitution Of The United States, seemingly used as a placemat for regular fast-food meals.

A Millennial Metamorphosis

Thu, 11 Aug 2022 21:24:48 +0000

From: Gregor Samsa
To: Office Manager
Subject: Me Today
Dear Office Manager,
SO sorry about this but going to be a little bit late to work today – having a slight medical issue but should be resolved soon. Will hopefully be all good for the 10am meeting but if not I’ll ask Alyssa to take notes for me.
Sorry again!
Best,
Gregor
From: Office Manager
To: Gregor Samsa
Subject: RE: Me Today
Ok.
From: Gregor Samsa
To: Office Manager
Subject: RE: Me Today
Dear Office Manager,
Thank you so much for your understanding! I really appreciate it.
Warm regards,
Gregor
From: Office Manager
To: Gregor Samsa
Subject: Slide Deck
Did you get a chance to finish it? We need it for the meeting Wednesday.
From: Gregor Samsa
To: Office Manager
Subject: RE: Slide Deck (JPEGS included)
Dear Office Manager,
My sincerest apologies as I know this must be very frustrating. I do not know when I’ll be able to get it done as this medical issue is taking longer to resolve than I previously imagined. I’m not sure why but I’ve transformed into a giant insect (see pictures attached). I tried sleeping it off but that didn’t seem to work. Rest assured though I am working hard to figure this out so that it doesn’t affect my job performance.
I’m getting better at controlling the mobility of all these legs, so I can still dial into the 10am, but I just won’t be using video if that’s okay with you.
Again, sorry for the inconvenience!
Best wishes,
Gregor
From: Office Manager
To: Gregor Samsa
Subject: DO NOT DIAL INTO THE 10AM
GREGOR – Do not dial into the 10am! Go to the emergency room!
From: Gregor Samsa
To: Office Manager
Subject: RE: DO NOT DIAL INTO THE 10AM
Dear Office Manager,
Don’t worry about me! I’ll go to Urgent Care once we wrap up the meeting and I finish editing the slide deck so you have it for Wednesday. Truly I’m fine, and I looked online and found a very helpful Reddit thread with lots of great advice. I tried WebMD but they always just say everything is cancer haha.
Somewhat related but my voice is a little hoarse, or it’s like, a different octave than normal. Or maybe a different frequency. I tried talking to my sister but she just looked kind of appalled. I don’t think I’ll be able to verbally give my updates on the call but I’m typing up all my notes and will send them to Alyssa so that she can update the teams.
Additionally, I know we have a lunch meeting with our new client today. It might be a bit late to note dietary restrictions but do you know if the restaurant we’re going to has just like, rotten food scraps? If not, no worries, I’ll just eat beforehands, but figured I’d ask.
Sincerely,
Gregor
From: Office Manager
To: Gregor Samsa
CC: HR-department@company.com
Subject: GREGOR, LOG OFF.
Gregor – I am serious. We’ll have Alyssa go to the client lunch. Also I’m looping in HR for visibility on this issue.
From: HR-department@company.com
To: Office Manager
Subject: RE: GREGOR, LOG OFF.
Jesus Christ
From: Gregor Samsa
To: Office Manager
Subject: Finished Slide Deck!
Dear Office Manager,
I hope the 10am went well! I tried to log in but I guess HR told the legal team about my situation so I was fielding a lot of calls and emails about whether I was going to sue the company (which I’m not!).
I’ve attached the finished slide deck for approval. Again, so sorry for the delay, I would have finished it earlier but my computer was glitching and every time I tried hitting the “restart” button I accidentally hit six other ones at the same time. Also my dad swatted me with a newspaper (parents, right?). No worries about the lunch, I’ve been having some trouble sitting in chairs anyway so I would have to sit on the floor and I don’t want to get in the way of the waiters.
Best,
Gregor
From: Gregor Samsa
To: Alyssa Williams
Subject: Client Info (PDFs attached)
Hi Alyssa!!
Just passing along a briefing about our upcoming projects for the new client lunch. SO sorry to put all this extra work on your plate since I know you’ve been totally swamped the past few day...

Cover Letter For a Job I Do Not Want But Need

Thu, 11 Aug 2022 21:00:34 +0000

To Whom It May Concern:
It is with great admiration that I am writing regarding the receptionist opportunity at your company. Your company’s commitment to whatever it is that you do aligns with me and my career aspirations. If considered for the position, I am certain that I will not be doing my dream job. In fact, I am aware that my dream job—personal assistant to Barbra Streisand—is completely out of the realm of possibility, even if I am super patient. To be completely honest with you, the idea of making money is very exciting to me. Allow me to put things into perspective for you. Last night I had a glass of water and an episode of The Sopranos for dinner. Am I painting a clear enough picture for you, employer? I need this job.I need it bad!
As a recent graduate of an extremely expensive university, I am constantly grappling with the fact that everyone I’ve ever been romantically involved with is smarter than me and employed. In college, I had a lot of fun. I also had fun at the various internships I did. I would list them, but I’m sure I’ve already lost ya! At those internships I was known as the girl who would make people laugh at lunch, which was sort of huge for my self-esteem. Like, one day after work I treated myself to a cookie because I was so proud of myself for being a silly woman. While I made a lot of mistakes at those internships, such as accidentally emailing an entire company that Annette Bening has yet to receive her flowers, I am prepared to turn over a new leaf. If given directions I will try my best to follow them, even if the task reminds me of how my great grandmother traveled on a crowded ship to America without any money or a plan just for me to learn Landslide on a guitar in my childhood bedroom.
She was so hungry when she arrived at Ellis Island that she ate snow off the ground. And what did I do to honor her? Get a film degree.
For a while I was looking to expand my understanding of the industry and gain the experience necessary for successfully catapulting myself into the bustling world of comedy writing, but now I just want to be able to afford HBO Max and a family-sized box of Cheez-Its. With the production experience that I gained in college, and mastered through my various internships, I am confident that this job where I don’t do production stuff and instead answer phones for people who are much more important than me, will not send me into a depression spiral. Like, sure, on paper it seems like it would make me a little sad, but I’ll try not to let it get to my head!
Thank you for your attention. I look forward to hearing from you, but also no pressure if not. But also, like, I need this so give me a chance. I want to be able to tell people that I can afford rent at Christmas dinner. I have to give my grandma a reason to brag about me on Facebook. My brother has gotten the spotlight for too long.
Sincerely,
Your Future Employee (too needy?)

How to Store Fruits and Vegetables

Tue, 09 Aug 2022 22:41:22 +0000

Avocado
Avocados can remain unrefrigerated until you cut into them, and then they become a time-bomb of oxidization. Keep the pit and rind attached to the avocado, wrap the rest tightly cling wrap, and store in the fridge. If you want to be intense about it, you can rub the exposed flesh of the avocado (phrasing?) with a sliced lemon.
Lemon
To store the lemon you just sliced to preserve your avocado, you can simply let it sit in your fridge unwrapped. After 1-2 weeks, simply walk your lemon to your local dive bar, where you can drop it off as free garnish!
Tomatoes
It’s best to store your tomatoes at room temp. Putting your tomatoes in the fridge will transform them into water balloons of cold, wet, vegetal sand. At this point you can blend them into gazpacho, a cold, wet, vegetal broth that you’ll piss out in 21-22 minutes.
Microgreens
Microgreens can be stored in the refrigerator with a paper towel stuck directly in the packaging to absorb moisture. If you can help it, do not make direct eye contact with your microgreens, lest they disintegrate. You can also simply throw a $10 bill in the trash for the same nutritional value. It has been a valiant effort to better yourself, but it’s just not worth it at this point. The microgreens don’t want you to live longer. Perhaps it was the microgreens sabotaging your life this whole time.
Potatoes
Simply store your sack of potatoes in your kitchen cabinet. Ideally this should be a cabinet above arm’s reach that you need a step ladder to reach. It’s best to simply forget that potatoes exist after purchasing. They last so long, don’t they? Dry, dark, and happy. Save them for Thanksgiving! Two years from now! Maybe they’ll even make it. Maybe you’ll begin to wonder if something has died in the walls. You’ve created so much more than a filling side dish (mash, potato salad, latkes)—oh no, you’ve created a game! You’ve managed to create a mystery in your very own kitchen.
Grapes
You beautiful, simple fool. You can’t destroy grapes. Eat them now, a snack! Let them dry out in the sun and add them to trail mix! Roast them with nuts and cheese and charge me $30 dollars to eat them! Make them into a home-brewed wine! Freeze them and pelt them at an enemy! Grapes are so much stronger than mere mortal flesh.

If Only My Immigrant Great Grandfather Could See Me Now, He’d Say “Where Am I?”

Tue, 09 Aug 2022 21:58:42 +0000

Look at us, huh? Doing well for ourselves and we’ve come such a long way from where our immigrant ancestors started almost 100 years ago. My parents said my grandfather came to this country with nothing but the clothes on his back. He had no money to his name, just a dream in his heart. If only my immigrant great grandfather could see us now he’d say, “Where the hell am I? Who are you? What is this? When is it? Why?!”
First, I’d show him the thriving computer software company we built. And then I’d want him to meet my wife and hold his great great grandchildren. I just know he’d be so happy to see how far we’ve come as a family. He’d probably say, “I appreciate your hospitality but I don’t need anything from you. I don’t know how I got here, do you understand me? One minute I’m resting peacefully and now I’m dropped here without explanation. Unless your computers and software have something to do with how I was brought here, there’s no use explaining them to me. And I really don’t know why you keep giving me children. It’s not a good idea to hand your children to someone you just met. Do you understand me? I don’t know what’s happening right now. What is the train schedule? I need to leave. I don’t want to be here.”
I’d tell him that while my father (his grandson) has passed and my grandfather (his son) died many years ago, they helped so much in raising me into the man I am today. I would thank him for that. I’d let him know that they made all the difference in my world and it’s due to him making a difference in theirs. He’d say, “Thank me? Thank you for breaking the news that my entire family is dead! I really appreciate your thoughtfulness in picking fun conversation topics and general warm regard for someone who’s traveled 100 years into the future against their will and is trying to find their bearings in a new world! It’s a shame though, you could’ve gone into more detail about how they died and the amount they suffered in their final moments. That’s exactly the kind’ve stuff I need to hear right now as I’m cowering from the sight of gigantic airplanes flying overhead and covering my ears from the bizarre, alien music coming out of that flat box.
If you used this new technology to get me here, please, use it to send me back.”
Even if he didn’t totally understand what was going on, he’d see that I’m very happy with the life I’ve been able to live thanks to his courage. The courage he had to embark on a journey into a brand new country is something I’ll never forget as long as I live. I’d want him to know how grateful I am for him. He’d probably say, “Okay let me set another thing straight: I did not come to this country to suffer for your future. If you really want to know the truth, I was running from the law. America was the only place left to go and someone told me they had a big green lady there. I was young and naïve and I wanted to look up the green lady’s robe. This person, who turned out to be a bad source, told me I could. There, I said it. I know that’s not the story you want to brag to your friends about but it’s the real one. And before you judge me, remember, we have the same genetics and my so-called ‘crime’ happened during a duel which was legal back then.
I guess you’re not allowed to shoot before they count to three.”
I think the most interesting part would just be sitting there and listening to him talk for hours. There’s so many stories we’ve lost over the years, imagine the wealth of information about his era and long lost knowledge he’d share with us. He’d probably say, “We may vaguely look alike but you have to understand that when I was alive there were many people who looked like me. If you’d like to know why that is, the answer is simple: my mother—your great great grandmother—was a very popular prostitute. Okay? Is that what you want to hear? Cause that’s the truth. And this was in the days before modern contraception so I had a lot of half brothers and sisters running around. Had enough yet? ...

A Breakdown Of Where Your Weekly Church Contribution Goes

Fri, 05 Aug 2022 12:47:05 +0000

$348.23 Paying to have the church restroom toilet cameras upgraded to HD
$ 125.00 Money spent to ensure that church security keeps homeless people off of church property.
$ 27.82 Another few gallows of chloroform.
$ 3800.74 Solid gold Make America Great Again collection plate.
$ 75 Cameo message from Kirk Cameron wishing a happy birthday to Pastor Gristley.
$ 195 eBay purchase of a Pop-Tart in the exact shape of the Virgin Mary.
$ 470 Exotic dancer “Hunky Jesus” for Pastor Gristley’s surprise birthday party.
$ 2900 Private comedy performance by Bill Cosby to celebrate Pastor Gristley’s recent divorce.
$ 87 3 dozen bags of marshmallows, 8 syringes of sodium pentothal for Youth Group retreat.
$ 47 Plenty of pot-brownies for the bake sale, in order to keep the bids really jumping during the quilt auction.

Unsolved Mysteries: Who’s that Lady?

Thu, 04 Aug 2022 19:54:13 +0000

(Voiceover)
This special episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” on Netflix is dedicated to understanding one of the most confounding mysteries in pop music history: Who’s that lady? You know the one. She fills our hearts and minds, brought somewhat to life through song lyrics devoid of significant detail or description.
CUT TO:
A reenactment scene featuring a landfill. A backhoe rakes through a pile of vinyl records. Seagulls scream. Music: Eerie but danceable.
CUT TO:
A darkened stage. An unnaturally blond man emerges from the shadows. He’s SHANE MCSHANE, an aspiring actor.
SHANE: Here at “Unsolved Mysteries,” we’ve culled interviews from five decades of hitmakers in a quest to find the identity of one of songwriting’s greatest enigmas: The Lady.
FADE IN:
The staged living room of Time-Life CD commercial fame. Musicians are crammed on a beige sectional couch, talking simultaneously.
THE COMMODORES, “Lady”
“She brought me up when I was down, which was incredibly helpful.”
KENNY ROGERS, “Lady”
“Can’t she believe in my song? Not a big ask.”
STYX, “Lady”
“Whoa-oh-oh-oh!”
The guy from Air Supply appears with a pitcher of lemonade, humming “Every Woman in the World.” There is no room for him on the couch.
FADE OUT.
Shane appears on the now-empty set, his hair somehow blonder.
SHANE: So mysterious! These next interviews were shot in recording studios, backstage at concerts, and at Beverly Hills Juice, where I work mornings when I’m not auditioning for television and film roles.
THE ISLEY BROTHERS, “Who’s That Lady?”
“She was beautiful, fine, real sexy. Look but don’t touch, she said. Now we’ll never know who she is. Sorry, pal. We’ll take these smoothies to go.”
CHRIS DEBURGH, “Lady in Red”
“Picture it. No witnesses. Just her and me. I hardly knew her, and it got très steamy, cheek to cheek. So you can understand how I barely noticed anything else. Other than that red dress. It might’ve been a pantsuit.”
CUT TO:
The porte-cochère of a Holiday Inn Express. A taxi door opens and a red stiletto emerges. Music: Ominous synthesizer.
PATTI LABELLE from the band Labelle, “Lady Marmalade”
“Old New Orleans is where you’ll find this.professional. Have you listened to the lyrics?”
SHANE: Lyrics! One more piece of the puzzle. Let’s dive deeper into the archives.
MITCH RYDER of Mitch Ryder & the Detroit Wheels, “Devil with a Blue Dress”
“Lady? Ha! The gal is Molly. Might be an alias, dig? Not too skinny, not too fat. A real humdinger. While it’s true that I like ’em like that, I am also open to other body types.”
CUT TO:
Surveillance video camera footage of an empty parking garage. Zoom in on discarded Larabar wrapper. Music: Muzak version of “I’m Every Woman.”
SUGARLOAF, “Green-Eyed Lady”
“Yeah, Van’s ‘Brown Eyed Girl’ came out first, but whatever. She had green eyes. She was windswept. She set lonely lovers free. Can I go now?” (Plays a few notes of very tense harpsichord.)
PATTI LABELLE from the band Labelle, “Lady Marmalade”
“Her name’s Marmalade, honey. Creole. Voulez-vous have a little chat with my bandmates? Or Christina Aguilera, Mya, Pink, and Lil’ Kim, who did that nice cover?”
CUT TO:
An alley. Investigators in hazmat suits swab a Dumpster for DNA. They climb out with a near-mint condition boom box and an unraveled cassette tape, bagged and tagged as evidence.
TOM JONES, “She’s a Lady”
“I took her out to dinner. Rhymes with winner, if you catch my drift. Yeahhhh!”
GARY PUCKETT of Gary Puckett and the Union Gap, “Lady Willpower”
“Nope, can’t ID this one. Never saw her again after my ‘now or never’ ultimatum. She did not give her love to me, despite assurances to shower her with tenderness, endlessly. Some ladies aren’t into that.”
BOB DYLAN, “Lay, Lady, Lay”
“Yes, I had a big brass bed. No, she didn’t stay.”
LIONEL RICHIE, “Three Times a Lady”
“C’mon, you know what I’m talking about. Once, twice? The end of our rainbow?” (Winks.) “Forget it, Shane. I’ll have a Banana Manna Almond, please.”
CUT TO:
The street. A police car pulls away. A gar...

What You Remember From Your Summer Reading Homework Based On What Kind Of Student You Were

Thu, 04 Aug 2022 19:17:52 +0000

The Great Gatsby
Overachiever: It’s commentary on social classes, wealth, and the American Dream has stayed with you.
Average Student: You know Gatsby wasn’t everything he pretended to be.
Terrible Student: You’re pretty sure Gatsby was pretty great. You can’t wait to have a Gatsby themed wedding.
The Old Man And The Sea
Overachiever: Much like the protagonist, you were obsessed and determined to get a good grade. You read it twice and studied hard. You remember how happy you were with that A.
Average: You can’t remember what grade you got. It was graded on a curve and didn’t really affect your final grade.
Terrible: That you copied the overachievers’ work and got the exact same A. Unfortunately, it didn’t really affect your final grade.
The Grapes Of Wrath
Overachiever: You savored all 464 pages over summer break. Taking in every detail, and dissecting all the complexities of Tom Joad. Consequently, you missed every party that summer so you don’t have any memories of the fun times your classmates had.
Average: You read most of it. Well, A LOT of it. Okay fine, your teacher joked “the author said you could skip the chapters where nothing happens, they’re just kind of scene setting” and you took full advantage of that. Which was good, since as you recall, it was a very busy summer for you.
Terrible: You remember that there was definitely a lot of dust but can’t remember if there was anything about grapes. You definitely remember all the fun you had that summer.
Jane Eyre
Overachiever: You LOVE this book today as much as you loved it then. You read it twice and treasure every aspect of social commentary brought forth in the gothic novel. In a way Jane was your only friend that summer.
Average: You remember “Reader, I married him” and other pieces of the story, but mix this up with Emma, Pride and Prejudice, and Sense & Sensibility.
Terrible: You read the back of the book to get the gist of it. You can confidently say that it was about a person named Jane Eyre.
Of Mice And Men
Overachiever: You hold dear the hope and naivety you had for the future of Lenny and George.
Average: You still remember how sad you were at the story about the rabbits. You’ll never forget the rabbits.
Terrible: You think it was actually about mice. Like maybe not quite a Stuart Little or Great Mouse Detective way, but definitely there were men AND mice involved.
Atlas Shrugged
Overachiever: Everything. It’s your favorite book, in a really annoying way.
Average: Not much. You haven’t thought about the book since high school.
Terrible: Nothing. You also say it’s your favorite book in a really annoying way.
1984
Overachiever: You still understand the intricacies and nuances of Orwell’s dystopia. You confidently use it in online arguments warning about disinformation and government overreach.
Average: You know “Big Brother Is Watching You”, but not much more other than the year it was set. You understand the reference when people compare the current state of the world to the story.
Terrible: You never touched the book. You are also most likely to misuse it as a comparison to current real world situations.
The Catcher In The Rye
Overachiever: You identified with Holden Caulfield’s sense of alienation then just as much as you do now. Sadly, probably even more now. You fondly recall the innocence of youth.
Average: You remember that Holden Caufield was an asshole.
Terrible: You remember that they didn’t make a movie out of the book.
To Kill A Mockingbird
Overachiever: As a kid you related to Scout’s coming of age story; but as an adult you think more about the novel’s comments on the complexity of right and wrong.
Average: You read the first and last couple chapters and then skimmed the rest. Just enough to pass. The movie filled in the gaps. You could probably name some characters.
Terrible: You haven’t the slightest idea what the book would be about. You’re also not sure if mockingbirds are real.
Lord Of The Flies
Overachiever: You devoured every harrowing ...

Three Digit Phone Numbers to Memorize Next Time You’re in a Jam

Wed, 03 Aug 2022 18:08:50 +0000

988—National Suicide Hotline (New!)
911—Universal Emergency Services Number
311—Non-Emergency Services Number
922—Not Quite An Emergency But Also Not Quite A Non-Emergency (i.e. My Shed Is Slightly On Fire But We’ve Been Meaning To Get Rid Of It And It’s Raining Pretty Hard So.Take Your Time) Services Number
933—Showtime Schedule For The AMC Theater Off Exit 28 On I-35 In Tulsa, Oklahoma
944—Answering Machine of Marsha Hunt, The Now 104 Year Old Actress Who Played Mary Bennet In 1940’s “Pride And Prejudice”
955—National Pro-Suicide Hotline
966—The Actual Last Remaining Payphone in New York That’s Been Disguised As An Out Of Order Port-A-Potty To Hide From City Officials
977—Phone Number Of A Man Known Only As “The Michael Jordan Of Having A Three Digit Phone Number” AKA “The Golem of Prague of Prague”
999—Emergency Services That Provides Resources For Repairing Buttons 0-8 On Your Telephone
001—Alexander Graham Bell’s Number
002—Thomas Watson’s Number
031—Herbert Hoover’s Secret Number He Called To Connect Him Directly To The Hoover Dam Wall Where He Could Listen To The Sound Of Rushing Water For Hours
099—This Number Will Connect You On A 5-Way Call With 4 Random Chinese Restaurants In Your Area
147—This Number Connects You To The Ghosts Of 1950’s Era Telephone Operators Stuck In Purgatory Who Beg You To Find Their Children And Then Connect You To Local Excavation Contractors So You Can Dig Up Their Bodies
383—This Number Is Out Of Service But Instead Of Saying “The Person You’ve Dialed Is Unable To Receive Calls At This Time. Goodbye!” It Says “The Person You’ve Dialed Is Unable To Receive Calls At This Time.Bitch.”
765—A Line You Can Call Any Time Or Day That Connects To Dr. Shooshtarizadeh’s Dentistry in Mooselookmeguntic, Maine Where You Will Immediately Be Put On Hold And Treated To Harry Belafonte’s Entire Album “Belafonte At Carnegie Hall” And Kept On Hold Until It Is Completed

Quiz: Your Cat Or Your Teenager?

Tue, 02 Aug 2022 23:03:10 +0000

They are obsessed with primping, but seem to be allergic to showers and baths.
They are perfectly content to be alone.
But if you leave them alone for too long, they’ll almost certainly ruin some furniture.
They need so much sleep, like 20 hours per day.
Even though you bought them an expensive bed, they like to nap on the couch.
They never help with chores, in fact they make themselves scarce when you get out the vacuum.
You talk to them in sweet and loving tones, yet they give you the silent treatment.
They sometimes do this weird thing where they just stare into space. There’s no way to know what they’re really thinking.
Their Instagram account is more popular than yours.
When you touch them, they make an annoyed sighing sound and squirm out from under you.
They leave the house without telling you where they are going.
You can’t believe they’re going out with their butt hanging out like that for the whole neighborhood to see.
When they come home, it seems their sole motivation for returning is to eat. You wonder, “don’t I mean more to you than someone who provides you with a lifetime of MEALS??!!”
Despite everything, you live for the moments they come cuddle with you.
That smell though, what is with that smell?
Your cat: 1-15
Your teenager: 1-15

Select Scenes From The QAnanny Sitcom

Fri, 29 Jul 2022 19:23:10 +0000

QAnanny: Nya-ha-ha-ha-nnha-nnha-hnn-ha-nhee-heee
Gross Sheffield: What is that. that noise she’s making? Is that a laugh?
Not-So-Brighton Sheffield: I mean. kind of? She’s attempting to use the high-pitched frequency of those noises to short circuit the deep-state hypnotic suggestions that have been hard wired into her brain.
Gross: Good grief, that’s insane! What are those deep-state media weasels up to this time? Is Joe Biden telekinetically controlling those murder hornets again?
Not-So-Brighton: You wish! She’s trying to shake loose the media’s lies about Trump losing the 2020 election.
Gross: Ouch! Is it working?
Not-So-Brighton: Well, my brains are certainly beginning to feel mushy.
Pacswell Sheffield: Good Lord, the kitchen is a complete wreck! What exactly are you doing in here??
QAnanny: I’d been really craving a pizza all day! I just realized that I’ve never made a pizza before, so I accidentally made a mess.
Pacswell: Yes, I’d say that you have! And why didn’t you just go out for pizza? We could have grabbed the kids and made an outing of it.
QAnanny: That’s actually the problem. As you well know, according to Q, many pizza places are a haven for child sex traffickers. I didn’t want to risk that they might try to “grab the kids and make an outing of it” if we went out for pizza.
Pacswell: Okay, reasonable enough. Although you don’t seem to have a similar problem with dragging the kids to your Catholic Church every Sunday.
QAnanny: Well, sure. The sexual predators at church are decent, God-fearing folks. Those Democratic perverts are cannibalistic Satan worshippers.
Pacswell: A fair point.
Pacswell: See here, what is this about you needing to take January 5th and 6th off from work? You know very well that the children and I are traveling to Trump’s Stop The Steal rally on those same days! I’d rather not leave an empty house open to an attack from Antifa.
QAnanny: But that’s not fair! If I don’t show up, the others won’t have my portion of the gallows that we’ve built!
Not-So-Brighton: Well, think about it for a moment Dad. if she comes along, we can have her carry the backpack of pipe bombs. Couldn’t hurt to have a patsy.
Pacswell: Hmm. Good thinking, son! Its just that sort of moxie that makes the GOP the rightful heirs to the Americas, as well as the Golden Orbs Of Vonskorath.
QAnanny: Hey guys, I don’t know that there’s going to be room in the back of the van for both my section of the gallows and the rocket launcher.
Maga-ie Sheffield: Dad! Are you doing anything about QAnanny being arrested for defiling the Capital on January 6th? We’ve got to get her out of jail!
Pacswell: I’m afraid that it may be out of my hands, my dear. When QAnanny made a bowel movement in Nancy Pelosi’s NPR book satchel, the authorities were able to test her DNA. They have plenty of evidence to keep her detained, it seems.
Maga-ie: Then what good are all of those high-priced attorneys that you keep on retainer? What price justice??
Pacswell: I admire your moxie, honey. The thing is. the DNA that QAnanny left behind also indicated that she is the is the ancestor of immigrants.
Maga-ie: Ah, enough said. Yeah, let her rot.

CARTOON: Dog Daze

Thu, 28 Jul 2022 21:07:07 +0000

CART

Feminist Anthems Rewritten to Accurately Promote Multi-Level Marketing Schemes

Thu, 28 Jul 2022 20:57:29 +0000

“I Must Sell Out”
(Tune: “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor)
And now I’m back!
In your inbox!
“I haven’t seen you since high school. Do you want to lose a little weight?
Herbalife is powerful, you’ll drop thirty pounds instantly!
If you don’t buy, I’ll email again, I’ll never let you be!”
No, I can’t go, walk out the door,
Can’t turn around now,
I must sell and sell some more!
“Hey PTA friend, why don’t you give this a try?
I’ve spent a bundle,
Oh, will someone just please buy?!”
Oh yes I, I must sell out!
Bought ten grand of vitamins, now we’re about to lose the house.
This is no way to live,
Working from home, can’t see my kids, ’til I sell out.
I must sell out, hey, hey!
“Cash Running Out”
(Tune: “I’m Coming Out” by Diana Ross)
Cash running out!
I spent all my dough
On leggings, LulaRoe.
Cash running out!
Open the box, and whoa!
What is that smell? B.O.?
Cash running out!
Spent everything I own
On spandex, poorly sewn.
Cash running out!
Crazy designs, oh no!
It’s a phallic tableau!
“I am #GirlBoss”
(Tune: “I am Woman” by Helen Reddy)
I am #GirlBoss, hear me roar.
Got my own pseudo-science store.
And now I’m stuck harassing old Facebook friends,
Claiming essential oils
Can cure cancer! Ebola! boils!
Even that nasty red rash on your rear end.
I am broke! (Broke!)
I am in bankruptcy! (In bankruptcy!)
I am #GirlBoss!
“Girl, You’re Out of Funds”
(Tune: “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper)
.Emailing, in the mornin’ light,
This work-from-home business has ruined your life.
A pyramid scam, an unfortunate one.
Oh, girl, you’re out of funds.
The phone rings, in the middle of the night,
Lester Holt says, “Dateline wants to bring this to light.”
Primetime TV interview, one-on-one,
“Oh, Lester, I’m out of funds.
Yes, Lester, I’m out of funds.”
“Sisters are Recruiting for the Wealth”
(Tune: “Sisters are Doing it for Themselves” by Eurythmics)
Now we say we’re a brand
that liberates
Stay-at-home moms through selling
in all 50 states!
But upon closer look,
That’s not 100% true.
Only the top 1% get paid.
The only way I make money is recruiting you.
Sisters recruiting for the wealth.
Signin’ up everyone they meet.
Ruining their financial health, yes
Sisters recruiting for the wealth.
“5 to 9”
(Tune: “9 to 5” by Dolly Parton)
Working 5 to 9, selling magic dirt for a living.
It’s a dumb pyramid scheme, and there’s no winning.
Buy inventory, even if it wrecks your credit.
You’ll never sell enough to get you out of deb-it.
5 to 9, selling organic potion.
It’s miracle mud, a detoxifyin’ lotion.
Sold your car for a dozen cases no one’s buyin’.
They said it’d make you rich, but they were lyin’.
“We Don’t Own You, You Own Your Own Small Business”
(Tune: “You Don’t Own Me” by Leslie Gore)
We don’t own you.
You own your own small business, girl.
We don’t own you.
But if you leave, we’ll wreck your world.
And we’ll tell you what to do.
We’ll tell you what to say.
And if you complain about us,
We’ll sue! We will make you pay!
“No Sales”
(Tune: “No Scrubs” by TLC)
No, you don’t get no sales.
No one wants to buy a shampoo that smells like pee.
“This shampoo made my hair fall out!”
The reviews all shout.
Someone call the FTC!
You don’t get no sales.
No one wants to buy, and now you’re working for free.
‘Cause girl, if you’re on the downline,
You don’t make a dime.
Someone call the FTC!

Geoffrey’s Sad Clown Rental

Wed, 27 Jul 2022 22:44:55 +0000

Welcome to Geoffrey’s Sad Clown Rental. You are here for a unique and atrocious reason: You have a problem that only a sad clown can solve. Have no fear, 37 depressed clowns who missed four doses of Lexapro and are constantly about to burst into tears are stuffed into a yellow Mini Cooper, awaiting your direction.
Let’s face it, there’s not a whole lot to celebrate these days. Since 19 BCE, clowns have been rented to bring to life joyous occasions, like Todd’s 1st birthday party that he won’t remember, corporate anti-harassment luncheons, and even the occasional, or frequent bris.
But times have changed, and we’ve had no choice but to adapt our business model to afford the bills from our mounting traffic violations. Turns out it’s super illegal to stuff 54 clowns into a Mini Cooper, even if they signed consent forms, NDA’s, and DNR’s. The Youtube tutorial made it look way easier.
Hence, sad clowns. And just to be clear, we aren’t talking about your run of the mill creepy clown with a slight alcohol problem that tries to steal your basketball prodigy golden retriever, your dime store Stephen King knock off, Krusty, Bozo, or Ronald Mc-Freaking Donald.
These are some seriously motherfucking depressed as shit clowns. These clowns are medicated right up to their blue-tear painted eyeballs and straight through their red noses (some of them snort depression cocaine). You name it, these clowns have been prescribed it. Zoloft, Prozac, low-doses of Morphine. The FDA has recently approved a new and very special niche medication, Klownopin.
The more clinically depressed your clown, the higher the hourly rate. These clowns are fucking sad.
Some occasions to rent a depressed clown include:
To sob for you at your third cousin’s funeral.
Fake your own death.
The birth of your least favorite child.
Nervous breakdown in Penn Station distraction. For an extra $15 an hour, our depressed clown will spew a Jamba Juice smoothie all over track 2 so you can make your train.
Follow Jed from HR around the office wailing and playing a tiny violin.
Open mic night.
Grey’s Anatomy season premier.
War
Returning jeans at Nordstrom Rack.
A fire.
As you can see, the possibilities are quite literally, endless. Except they do end because you can only rent our clowns for 72 hours at a time. They have to sleep eventually. Come through the back door at 4:03 on a Tuesday and ask for Tony to inquire about our side business, Geoffrey’s Insomniac Clown Rental.
Rent a sad clown today and we’ll throw in a complimentary car wash. You sit in our 2015 Honda CR-V with the windows up and the doors locked while 3-5 clowns dump tears into your windshield while “Everybody Hurts” by REM plays through the loudspeaker.
All major credit cards accepted. Do not feed the clowns. They will bring a ham sandwich.

How To Prepare Your Meal Kit Dinner in 25 Infuriating Steps: A Tutorial

Tue, 26 Jul 2022 18:36:27 +0000

Step One:
Prepare the ingredients, also known as “prep time.” The instructions that came with this week’s delivery indicate that this should take about ten minutes.
Step Two:
Prepare the utensils. Tonight’s instructions call for a mandoline slicer. No, you read that wrong. It calls for a machete.
Step Three:
Take out every single pot, pan and dish that you own: you’ll be using them.
Step Four:
Grab a knife: it’s time to shell your own peas.
Step Five:
Take a moment to scan the instructions to make sure you won’t need to turn on the oven. Nope. You’re ready to start cookin’, chef!
Step Six:
You just cut yourself. Take a minute to go grab a band-aid, and get back to hand-shelling your own peas, you wuss.
Step Seven:
Wait. Did the instructions say to poach the peas, or blanche them? Either way, you’re gonna need a dictionary and a tutorial.
Step Eight:
Become distracted by the term blanche and remember the hysterical episode of “The Golden Girls” where Blanche declares it to be “better late than pregnant.”
Step Nine:
Decide to Google “Blanche name popularity.” Exactly zero people have named their child Blanche since 1910. This is good to know.
Step Ten:
You forgot to add water to the pot for the peas in your Golden Girls distraction. Congratulations on your “blackened” snap peas.
Step Eleven:
Add the chicken (tonight’s main course is luau-style chicken sandwiches!) to a pan with just a light drizzle of sizzling olive oil. Don’t forget to wash your hands after handling raw poultry. Salmonella is kind to no one.
Step Twelve:
What’s this? There’s a whole coconut in today’s kit? You’re damn right there is. Step twelve says you’ll be hand-crafting your own coconut flakes for the meal as part of tonight’s authentic luau experience.
Step Thirteen:
Time to prepare the salad. Locate your machete as indicated in Step 2. Channel your inner Lizzie Borden to whack your whole head of butter lettuce into hundreds of strips, per the instructions that say to “roughly chop.”
Step Fourteen:
Repeat with the coconut.
Step Fifteen:
So much coconut everywhere! Now you’ll need two more bowls! One for the coconut shavings, and another to collect the sweat dripping off of your forehead.
Step Sixteen:
Turn your attention back to the chicken on the stove, and realize that you forgot to add the packet of enclosed seasoning.
Step Seventeen:
Now where the hell is the seasoning packet??
Step Eighteen:
Locate the seasoning packet buried under a bowl that you used to make the aioli spread for the buns; you know, the aioli you made by hand-zesting lemon, and creating a garlic paste using the mortar and pestle that you had to dig out of storage.
Step Nineteen:
While the chicken continues to cook, use a box grater to grate the coconut meat into flakes. Wail like a newborn infant when you accidentally grate your fingertips.
Step Twenty:
Now that you have your coconut flakes, it’s time to toast them. Add them to a pan on low heat, stirring frequently but not too frequently. If any flakes end up outside the pan, that’s too frequently. If they start to curl up like sad silkworms, that’s not frequently enough. Be sure to bandage any severed fingertips if they interfere with proper stirring technique.
Step Twenty-One:
It’s time to remove the pretzel brioche buns for the sandwiches from their wrapping, as the instructions explicitly state to lightly toast them. Realize that you forgot to turn the oven on. You will now have to wait at least fifteen minutes while the oven heats to the 450 degrees as indicated in Step 1 of the instructions (aka the PREP TIME), and now your hand-hacked salad will be completely soggy by the time the buns are toasted. Maybe you should have read better.
Step Twenty-Two:
Observe the apocalyptic wasteland that has become your kitchen. Fantasize about burning it all down in a fit of rage, but settle for hissing “fuck this,” under your breath so that the kids don’t hear you.
Step Twenty-Three:
Toss the recipe card into the trash and frantically se...

The Life Cycle Of Your New Brita Filter And You

Tue, 26 Jul 2022 17:45:09 +0000

“This is the most refreshing glass of water I’ve ever had!”
Filter Time: 0–1 Weeks
Comments: You obviously take very good care of your Brita. You’ve replaced the filter recently and pre-soaked it for the recommended four hours. (Fun fact: the pre-soaking doesn’t do anything, but it does show that you follow directions well!)
Should I change it?: No! Are you crazy? You’re just starting off your refreshing journey with this filter.
Serenity. Thy name is Brita.
“I don’t remember those little black specks being there yesterday.”
Filter Time: 1–8 Weeks
Comments: If we’re being honest, we’re not sure what those black specks are either, but the water still tastes generally the same.
Should I change it?: Meh? We’re pretty sure that they’re minerals and not harmful if consumed. Legally we must advise you not to consume the specks.
A few clouds can’t put a damper on your day when you’ve got Brita!
“Is that algae?”
Filter Time: 9–20 Weeks
Comments: We’re all trying to “go green,” right? Think of this as a better way to get more vegetables—or at least vegetation—into your diet.
Should I change it?: Only if you don’t support the Mother Earth. Legally we must disclose that this rare form of algae actually creates a substantial amount of O-Zone-destroying gases.
Your Brita journey started with crystal clear water and has now given you a garden to tend to and grow. Where will Brita take you next?
“I’ve always wanted fish, but.”
Filter Time: 21–40 Weeks
Comments: “But” what? Enjoy the free fish!
Should I change it?: You haven’t gotten that sick yet, why jinx it? Our ruling: don’t change it. Trust us! If anything we’d want you to buy more filters, but we want to save you money! Also, don’t feed the black specks to the fish. They will grow twice as fast.
Ignore the birds. Focus on the fish.
“Why is the bubbling black Brita water telling me to ‘do the dark deeds of the devil’?”
Filter Time: 41–41.4 Weeks
Comments: If you had read the manual, you would’ve seen the section written in old Latin that warned of an ancient evil trapped inside your filter that could break free of its filter-cage and produce the water^ seen before you. Don’t fret, it’ll pass on the sabbath. Legally required to inform you that the thing in front of you is no longer considered water. ^Papally required to inform you that the thing in front of you is an unholy abomination so great it would terrify Beelzebub himself.
Should I change it?: We’d recommend waiting until your Brita is not burning with the eternal flames of hell before attempting a filter swap.
Did you not want your Brita to sing foreboding Gregorian chants?
“We were a fool to ever question the great and mighty Brita.”
Filter Time: 41.5 Weeks–Eternity
Comments: Hey, glad to have you in the pod! If we weren’t all part of one collective right now we would tell you that it seems like you left your filter in just a tad too long and started off a chain of events that surely spells doom–you really should’ve read that manual!–not only for all mankind, but for every living thing on this planet. But we’re all one now, so no worries!
Should I change it: It might be the pod-brain talking, but we, the collective known as “Brita’s Brood,” sure think this is one refreshing cup of “water”!
Don’t delay, get your Brita and join today!

UPDATED: Health Advisories for Outer-Space Visitors

Fri, 22 Jul 2022 20:19:31 +0000

The Intergalactic Council for Disease Control has issued new guidance for travel to Earth, relaxing some restrictions. Most travel illnesses on Earth are minor, such as thorax rash, overhydration, or motion sickness from TikTok.
! Changed: The ICDC no longer discourages travel to Earth by interstellar viruses. Previous guidance urged viruses not to travel to Earth because of the 1971 incident with the Andromeda Strain, when a vacationing microbial colony suffered a coordinated attack from a special government agency. However, the latest reports show that the threat from government agencies is not as coordinated or special as previously thought. Viruses of mythic scale now tour safely throughout the globe, even frequenting the finest Michelin star restaurants and enjoying the bounty of cruise ship smorgasbords. Avoid areas without crowds. Adhere to aviation protocols when airborne. Exercise normal caution.
! Changed: The ICDC has downgraded the advisory for G.I. disorders. In the past, as many as 80% of visitors to Earth experienced G.I. disorders, caused by bouts with “the military.” These swarms of G.I.’s inflicted minor, but annoying discomfort. Visitors reported discharge, burning, or even a sense that their tails were blown off. Many travelers found G.I. incidents distressing, and indeed, the experience was loud or messy, requiring them to spend a few days recovering or even regrowing parts of themselves. However, the latest generations of militaries are abuzz with territorial distractions. They’re also heavily comprised of drones, which do not tend to recognize giant lizards, monoliths, blobs, and the like. While encounters with swarms of G.I.’s are still possible, the situation is usually little more than an inconvenience, anyway, and will not prevent visitors from carrying out their plans.
! Changed: The ICDC has downgraded advisory for “mad scientists.” Historically, one of the most dangerous health problems on Earth was being abducted, vivisected, distilled, downloaded, or subsumed by a “mad scientist.” Incidents occurred with greater frequency near hot spots such as District 9, the university, or a Tardis. However, the mad scientist’s dwindling habitat and grant funding has minimized this health threat.
Be advised that, although less common, encounters with mad scientists continue to be a public health threat. Risks remain for being subsumed without warning. Any visitor who becomes molecularly fused to a mad scientist should expect not only to battle the infection, but possibly also a superhero, such as the Green Lantern from the local quadrant. Be vigilant also for new, more acute symptoms in the latest variants. These include starting a podcast, formulating a proprietary blend of xenomorph-lemongrass virility supplements to sell on the podcast, and attracting a rash of “science deniers” — a throng as likely to lionize hosts as to attack them or force them to run for public office. Exercise increased caution.
! Changed: The ICDC has downgraded the advisory for gestating offspring. In the past, visitors attempting to sire progeny during their visits to Earth were often targeted with home invasions, violent crime, or kidnapping. Thanks to new Supreme Overseers, this issue has been resolved. Some regions now offer legal incentives to impregnate the locals, with guarantees of full-term broods, whether larvae, hatchlings, or offshoots. Exercise normal lack of precautions with excretions, glands, insemination tentacles, etc.
! Changed: The ICDC has downgraded the advisory for fiery disintegration. In the past, armed conflict prevented business travelers from completing land acquisitions and species mergers. Visitors could be attacked with flame throwers or bazookas, and even household items such as aerosol hairspray ignited with Bic lighters. However, the latest data suggests that intergalactic entrepreneurs can expect a more welcome environment for their incubators and accelerators. Large segments of Earth’s workforce...

CARTOON: My Four-Year-Old Rates Cups

Thu, 21 Jul 2022 21:12:02 +0000

Famous Hemingway Quotes in Context

Thu, 21 Jul 2022 20:58:02 +0000

“There is no friend as loyal as a book. And there is no book as loyal as a friend. Wait. That doesn’t make sense. Barkeep, another round!”
Ernest Hemingway
“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a bar and drink. Don’t quote me on that. If you’re going to quote me, change ‘bar’ to ‘typewriter‘ and ‘drink’ to, uh, I don’t know. ‘Write’ seems too obvious. ‘Bleed?'”
Ernest Hemingway
“Am I unhappy? Yeah, all geniuses are unhappy. Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know. That’s why I’m jealous of people like you. Don’t give me that look. Hello? Barkeep?! Where’s my drink already?”
Ernest Hemingway
“Do you want to see a picture of my cats? That one’s Snow White. The gray one is Beans. Look closely. See that? Six toes. It’s kind of my thing. Don’t ask me about it, though. I know I’m the one who brought it up. But I’m private. Oh and that little tabby right there is Courage. Courage is grace under pressure. He’s amazing.”
Ernest Hemingway
“What’s a man got to do to get a drink around here? Do you know who I am, by the way? Never mind. It doesn’t matter. What was I saying? Oh, right. If you ask me, what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after. But it’s all bullshit. All of it. Barkeep! There you are. We’d like two more scotch and sodas.”
Ernest Hemingway
“I write poems, articles, books. I care about the human condition. I’m a scholar in that way. I’m not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy, or anything, but I’d definitely win if we went toe-to-toe. Want to know why? I’m sitting here, enjoying my drink, while he’s dead.”
Ernest Hemingway
“I like talking to you. You’re a good listener. Want to come back to my place and meet my cats? Hey, the best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them. Right? Right? Oh, please. I’m not drunk. You’re drunk.”
Ernest Hemingway
“I was joking. It was a joke. Why does everyone take everything so seriously? Calm down. Hesitation increases in relation to risk in equal proportion to age. Don’t ask me to explain. If you don’t get it, I can’t help you.”
Ernest Hemingway
“Fine. If that’s how you feel, then I‘ll leave. I’m leaving! But man is not made for defeat. A man can be destroyed but not defeated. So you didn’t defeat me. Don’t go around saying you defeated me, because you didn’t.“
Ernest Hemingway
“One last thing, though. I’m going to be famous. You might not believe me, but it’s true. People will say I was the voice of our generation. I’m a work in progress. The first draft of anything is shit. But one day, I’ll be a masterpiece. People will love me. They’ll quote me. You’ll see.”
Ernest Hemingway

ColonBroom FAQ

Tue, 19 Jul 2022 19:54:55 +0000

What is ColonBroom?
ColonBroom is a naturally-derived fiber supplement that harnesses the power of psyllium husk to relieve constipation, aid in the digestive process and regulate bowel movements. Our motto is, “Poop like a winner, lose the weight the easy way.” In fact, I’m drinking my scoop of ColonBroom in 250 mL of water right now!
Why is dietary fiber important?
Dietary fiber is key for a healthy digestive system and normal bowel movements. Before ColonBroom, I pooped like a loser. When I told doctors I hadn’t pooped in six months, they said ridiculous things like, “I don’t know how you’re still alive,” and “You need to go to the emergency room right now.” But I didn’t listen. And now, thanks to the raw power of ColonBroom, I poop like a goddamn winner.
How long will it take before I feel the effects of ColonBroom?
But dear customer, pooping like a winner was just the beginning. If you are one of the chosen, you will feel the effects within seconds. Immediately after my first sip, the world came into focus. I could see drops of dew clinging to individual blades of grass. I heard a hummingbird 25 miles away flapping its wings. Deep in the Sahara, a jaguar stalked a gazelle. I couldn’t actually hear that but I’ve been watching a lot of nature documentaries since I now spend 12 hours a day glued to the toilet.
How long should I take ColonBroom?
The feeling when I poop is nothing but the purest form of euphoria and triumph. Like Moses parting the Red Sea and leading his people out of Egypt. Like the Achaeans pouring out of the wooden horse and enveloping the streets of Troy. That moment on the brink of life and death, that point of no return when you’re still extremely nauseous from giving rectal birth to a pound of raw broccoli, but already thinking about the leftover burrito in the fridge.
How long does shipping take?
I’ve devoted the remainder of my life to spreading the word my God, ColonBroom, to the four corners of the earth. I type this from atop a camel’s third hump as we wind our way down the banks of the Nile. Every soul must know the power I have unlocked. I have unlocked a power deep within that I never in my wildest dreams knew I possessed. Before, the mere sight of a public restroom reduced me to tears. Toilet paper laughed. Every time I flushed, a bidet in Australia cackled. But now, toilets tremble when my name is whispered through the pipes. Last night I took a dump so perfect it glowed
Can I take ColonBroom with vitamins, supplements or pre-workout?
Purple mist rose from the depth of the bowl, curling into a snake. My knees trembled as it opened its mouth and spoke to me. “You have IBSSSS,” it hissed before dissipating into thin air. I sank to my knees, sobbing into my own shit, overcome with the emotion of hearing the Word straight from the mouth of Hot Snake. In that moment, I knew I would never stop spreading the gospel of ColonBroom.
Can I use ColonBroom while on the keto diet?
I spend my days traveling to remote villages in the farthest corners of the world, preaching the blessing of ColonBroom. Many have come under the grips of the devil itself, Miralax. I have devoted my life to helping every lost, poor soul unlock the power within. The power to poop like a winner. The power to lose the weight easy. The power to know peace, to know justice, to know faith. The power to ask for the dessert menu.
How do I change my payment method?
To change your payment method, kindly contact our Help Center.

What Your Coffee Table Book Says About You

Tue, 19 Jul 2022 19:27:52 +0000

The A24 Hardcover Hereditary Screenplay
You’re a self-described “film nerd,” but anyone who’s ever played trivia with you knows you cannot back this up. You chose the Hereditary screenplay on a whim, in hopes it would give you a cool edge, even though you won’t watch Hereditary alone (or after 7 p.m.), and you woke up in a cold sweat for a week after you first saw it.
A Tattered Copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People
You’re up front about your red flags and don’t have a strong grasp on interior design. You rarely have company over, but you imagine elaborate scenarios in which you host dinner parties and your guests listen intently as you regurgitate the advice from this book. You are very charming in your mind.
The Complete Zoobooks Collection
You have 59 vintage magazines precariously balanced on your coffee table, and none of your guests can set their drinks on it because if your Zoobooks get wet, the pages will stick together and they’re not, like, something you can easily replace. It took a lot of phone calls to acquire your Zoobs (shorthand for Zoobooks, all Zoobheads know this). You also do not allow any open flames in your apartment because Zoobooks are highly flammable, so candles and cooking are out. Electricity, too, just to be safe.
McGraw-Hill Education Geometry Review and Workbook, by Carolyn Wheater
God, you’re a sick freak. No, it doesn’t make it more interesting that Chris Evans signed his name in it because you went to the same middle school. Did you even get it authenticated? Creep.
What Happened, or any other Political Book
You listened to Pod Save America religiously in 2017 and made it your whole personality, and now you’re hosting watch parties for the January 6th Committee Hearings. There is an army of RBG mugs lying in wait in your cupboard. You have coasters that say “Nevertheless, she per-SIP-sted.”
A Book of Cats In Silly Situations
You don’t even really like cats.you had a cat growing up, but have never considered owning one as an adult. What do you like? You don’t. you don’t know. This question haunts you. It hangs above your bed at night and lurks outside your shower curtain. This nagging feeling, this buzzing sound, this blinding light of disquiet as you start to question if you’ve ever liked anything at all. And if you are not just an amalgamation of the things you like, then what are you?
The Collected Sylvia Plath
You’re a huge bummer.
The Guest Book From Your Wedding
You had a subdued Covid-era wedding and are consumed by thoughts of what it could have been. You subject your guests to lengthy play-by-plays of your wedding day while pulling up your wedding video on your laptop, and – oh, what the hell, why not! – decide to bring out the freezer-burned remnants of your wedding cake that you stored for the better part of a year, insisting your guests take a little bite to “see how it holds up” in an ill-disguised attempt to squeeze one last compliment out of them. Your marriage is nothing more than a legal agreement at this point.
Exactly One Year’s Worth of New Yorker Magazines
You clearly purchased the print subscription of the New Yorker, never read any of them, have no idea what to do with them now, and are experiencing a deep-seated regret about the whole ordeal. You’ve decided to justify their cost by displaying all of them on your 12×16” coffee table and quietly harboring the belief that one day you’ll get around to reading them. You will look back on your life with regret.
A Book on Butchering Cows
Confusing political messaging, much like the modern Democratic party. Are you vegetarian and sending a message? Did you grow up on a farm? We’re not sure and we’re scared.
Loose Shells That Tell A Story
And that story is: your family goes to Florida multiple times a year. You could probably save and go on a really nice vacation somewhere else – literally anywhere else – but 8 trips to Florida it is! And boy, do you love your momentos from those trips. Surfboard shaped keychains, sh...

We’re Doing Nothing Effective to Reduce Crime, COVID, or Homelessness, but Here Are Three FKing Obvious Tips for Surviving a Nuclear Attack

Fri, 15 Jul 2022 20:39:49 +0000

“Mayor Eric Adams defended New York City’s newest PSA on Tuesday, saying a nuclear attack preparedness spot from the Office of Emergency Management was a ‘great idea.’” –NBC 4 New York, 7/12/22
It’s no secret that crime is up, social programs for mental health are nearly eliminated, COVID is back for the 137th time, and the city’s plan to eradicate homelessness by kicking people off the subway isn’t the miracle we’d hoped. But instead of wasting taxpayer dollars on city-wide programs that address the root causes of these real problems, the Office of Emergency Management is proud to present this 90-second PSA on three extremely fucking obvious tips on surviving a nuclear attack.
Step 1: Get inside.
This may seem ridiculously obvious, and that’s because it is. Don’t ask us why we’re being attacked, or how. We have no idea. All we know is that the “big one” has hit. Mayor Adams is forcing us to keep “the big one” in the script and also mention that calling it “the big one” was his idea.
So hop to it. Get inside. If you happen to be one of the city’s thousands of homeless people, please just this once, go home. If “home” is the subway, then go to a different home. If “home” is a shelter, they’re all filled and there’s no room for you. We did not anticipate this being a problem when we blew our entire budget to animate a realistic, 3D-rendering of a $5.4 million New York apartment for our actor to slowly walk around while calmly explaining that we’re all totally screwed.
Step 2: Stay inside.
This one should be simple, since we’ve all been practicing for the last three years. But we also couldn’t think of anything else and still had 73 seconds to fill on this PSA, so here we are.
Close all doors and windows, and move into the basement that the average New Yorker who lives on the 12th floor definitely has. If you’ve been living in one of those illegal fire death trap basement apartments without windows, it looks like that $2,300 a month is finally paying off.
If you can, open up your home to your neighbors in need during this time of darkness, which could definitely happen but probably won’t because the chances of a nuclear attack happening anytime soon are very slim. We just needed something to distract from all the other nothing we aren’t doing. There’s also no COVID-related reason not to let unmasked neighbors into your apartment, because if “the big one” does hit, there’s no way a 19th-century pre-war building with lapsed-construction codes will protect you anyway.
If you were outside after the blast, get clean immediately. Remove and bag all outer clothing, to keep radioactive dust or ash away from your body. But let’s face it, you should probably do this every time you go outside in New York. It’s not exactly the cleanest place these days, and those pigeons shit on everything. If you were attacked on the subway, on your way home, or in a well-lit Trader Joe’s, remove and bag your clothing for evidence purposes. We won’t actually do anything with it, but we like to show we care.
Step 3: Stay tuned!
Follow media for more information and for the next appearance by every New Yorker’s favorite Mayor who will be live streaming minute-by-minute coverage of A$AP Rocky’s “Nuclear Blast” party from an underground bunker in Connecticut.
Even if there is a nuclear blast that rains toxic ash and dust all over the city, we will not be reinstating a mask mandate. You’ve got this, New York!
Watch the real video here:

Road Trip Stops You Won't Want To Miss!!

Fri, 15 Jul 2022 20:02:17 +0000

Amish-sion Possible, Eager Rupture, PA– Daily live performances of what is essentially the Amish version of American Ninja Warrior. Flaming butter churns, barn-raisings plagued by hornet nests, and even more to tantalize and titillate your senses!
Moisters Of The Universe, Shingle’s Rock, FL- He-Man & The Masters Of The Universe themed water park. Due to water shortages throughout the country, rides do not contain the water element, but many of the slides can still be used (although they’re blisteringly hot from sitting out in the sun all day, so long pants and shirts should be worn when riding). Stores and booths selling He-Man merchandise all open as well.
World’s Largest Skin-Tag / Tapeworm, Radish Fluster, TX– Although locally infamous Kentuckian Lawrence Gorbert isn’t sure exactly what that is extending from his body (“He won’t go to the doctor to get it checked out.”, his clearly frustrated wife explains), but whatever it is.. well, let’s just say that it’s best viewed on a day when you don’t have meal plans that can’t be rescheduled. On the plus side, Lawrence doesn’t charge for selfies with him and whatever that is.
That Guy From That Show That One Time, Ormphash NE- What was the name of that show? The one with the retired detective, and he had gills, or something? And that guy, he played the bad guy in one episode. Not the main guy, one of the main guy’s henchmen. Anyway, he lives here now. Come by and say howdy! He’s usually sitting in the cafe, nursing an iced tea and starting off into the distance.
Hickory Bluffs Country Inne & Butt-Plug Musuem, Borphinger, TN- Decent bread and breakfast. And say hi to your mom from us while you’re at the museum! Ha, gotcha! Solid burn!
Pervert Cemetery, Skeeve Nebraska- In the small town of Skeeve, Nebraska, deceased perverts are buried in the Pervert Cemetery. Feel free to wander amongst the tombstones, which are inscribed with the horrific nature and crimes of each pervert. Editor’s Note: If you yourself are a pervert, best to be wary of any invitations to visit this particular destination.
Apples & Bees, Shappalap, OK- Not to be confused with the popular chain of bar and grill restaurants located throughout North America, Apples & Bees is instead an apple orchard that is open to the public, but also plagued regularly by swarms of bees. “We’ve tried to have the bees run out of here,”, explained orchard co-owner Fetch Lanzley, “but it just costs too much. We wouldn’t be able to afford to keep the orchard open.” So they have tried to use the situation to their advantage, like offering free bushels of apples to those who are able to gather them without being stung. “It works out pretty well,” said Fetch, “as pretty much everybody gets stung at least a few times.” For those unwilling to brave the orchard, the souvenir shop offers jars of apple sauce for purchase. “We find that the apple sauce usually contains quite a few dead bees,” explained Fletch, “so we just refer to that as ‘chunky style’.”
Tapioca Rok’a, Kathaturnsly, VA- This life-sized tapioca pudding sculpture of Al Roker is easily the most popular feature of this small town. “Unless you count that happy ending massage parlor over by the abandoned mall.”, offers sculpture-creator Eggar Dompster. This temperature-controlled piece of art is faithful down to the last detail, but for the Motley Crue tattoo on the sculpture’s bare chest. “That was more of a guess than anything,” said Dompster, “but I have a pretty strong feeling.” According to local legend, the gooey sculpture comes to life and lumbers downtown once a year to co-host the local Thanksgiving parade. “That has nothing to do with the series of girl scout murders at around the same time, though.”, cautions Dompster.

Worcestershire Sauce Gone Sour from Being Ignored

Thu, 14 Jul 2022 21:56:10 +0000

When we first met you were optimistic, kind. You cradled me through those grocery store aisles along with all your hopes of becoming someone who cooks. When I entered your kitchen, it smelt clean, like lavender Lysol, with fresh flowers on the counter. I felt sunlight trickle through the window onto my lid and got butterflies inside. There was hope. You gave me a home and a new lease on life. But, as the months passed, smells started to fade and were replaced by repugnant ones: the stench of despair.
The flowers, now wilted, grew moldy on the counter. And dishes piled up on the sink. I never saw the light of day after that first afternoon. The butter began mocking me, gloating over how often you gave them attention while I remained unopened, unused. Even the Tapatio, who was my brother for so long, relegated together in the back of the fridge, began slurring Mexican slang in my direction once you started Taco Tuesdays: “You’re harshing the mellow.” Everyone in the fridge could tell I’d gone sour. But could you blame me? A condiment’s only goal in life is to be savored. Is it so wrong to ask for just a little bit of love?
I’m way too delectable to be treated this way! My flavors are something ketchup could never compare to! Did you even know that I’m tangy, sweet, sour, AND salty when you bought me? Or did you just throw me in your cart like another one of those drunk dames you bring over every night? No, seriously! Everyone’s heard of me, but no one actually knows what I taste like or even how to spell my name! Close your eyes and try to picture it right now. Ha! Told you! No one can spell it!
This might be a good time to remind you that I’m an XL bottle of Worcester sauce, not even a sample size. It’s not like I can hide unassumingly in the back. When you finally bought a fresh slab of meat last week, I thought things were looking up! I said to that juicy steak “we’d be delicious together” and the whole refrigerator went into chaos! The bland baby bottle of mayo now says they feel “uncomfortable being next to me.” I heard mumblings from the Habanero sauce that I’m “intense.” Me, intense?! Please dispose of me if you’re not going to use me. This isn’t any life to live.
Sincerely Your Beloved Condiment,
Worcestershire Sauce

CARTOON: Spyware

Thu, 14 Jul 2022 00:22:42 +0000

Quiz: 2022 Wimbledon Finalist or Scripps Spelling Bee Word

Tue, 12 Jul 2022 23:14:19 +0000

Micawber
Rybakina
Kyrgios
Sirtaki
Wirrah
Jabeur
Djokovich
Bebung
Mektic
Tektite
Krawczykz
2022 Wimbledon Finalist: 2,3,6,7,9,11
Scripps Spelling Bee Word: 1,4,5,8,10

An Open Letter To The Guy Who Exposed Himself On Stage At The Music Festival

Tue, 12 Jul 2022 22:46:18 +0000

Dear Exposed,
How’s it hanging? Wait, don’t answer because I already know. And, trust me, I did not want to know. Nobody wanted to be exposed to your privates.
In case you’ve flaunted your flesh on more than one occasion, allow me to refresh your memory. It was the summer of 2013. We were among a couple of thousand attendees at the Bass Coast Music and Arts Festival in Merritt, British Columbia. It was the middle of the day and a crowd was gathered in front of the main stage enjoying a musical performance.
And then you ambled onto the stage from the shadows of the wings, naked.
It was at that moment that I felt the collective buzz of everyone in attendance suddenly die. It wasn’t just a death, it was a homicide and your penis was the perpetrator. We went from having a carefree, good time and being immersed in a musical experience to having to ask ourselves, “Why’s that guy have his dick out?” This is a question no one should be forced to contemplate.
Parading yourself on stage in your birthday suit was the equivalent of sending each and every audience member an unsolicited dick pic. To make matters even worse, it’s not like we could simply delete your dick. No, you were right there, stealing center stage, detracting from our concert experience. One moment we were vibing out to sweet beats and melodies, and then – thanks to you – we were unwillingly participants in a way too easy, perverse version of “spot what’s wrong with this picture.”
Here’s an important rule to remember about penises: they should never be a surprise. You need consent from whoever you plan on showing your dingaling to before it makes an appearance. I don’t recall you getting on the mic and asking for the audience’s permission.
Before you accuse me of being a prude, I don’t have an issue with male nudity. It simply needs to be within the proper context. Earlier that day I had gone down to the river that was adjacent to the festival’s grounds for a swim and there were several people bathing in the nude. There was nothing offensive about the male nudity I saw because it was in the proper setting; it made sense for people bathing to be naked. “What’s the big difference, isn’t a penis a penis?” you may ask. Here’s an example of the importance of context. Presenting someone with a cake and blowing a kazoo is a welcomed gesture at a birthday party. The same gesture at a funeral, not so much. You, my nude dude, are the latter.
Try as I might, I can’t understand why you thought a music festival was the right time and place to go full monty. Is this some weird flasher-type fetish, a way for you to get your sick kicks? At least a flasher has the decency to wear a trench coat and only momentarily exposes himself. By contrast, you were casually shuffling about, trying to sway to the music, acting as if you were at your own personal Woodstock.
Perhaps you were inspired by some of the women at the festival who chose to go topless? Unfortunately for you, there is a big difference between breasts and a penis. Women’s breasts are a thing of natural beauty. Like gazing out on twin mountain peaks, they inspire awe and appreciation. A penis is a puzzling, disconcerting thing. It’s more like a lone Easter island statue which creates unease and confusion, “What’s that thing doing here?”
And it’s not just about appearances. No, the penis brings with it a lot of negative baggage. An unwelcome and uninvited penis can be scary and threatening. Whereas breasts are harmless, a penis is an unidentified snake in the wilderness and no one is quite sure if it’s venomous or not.
After what seemed like an eternity, security eventually ushered you off stage.
I’m not trying to body shame you. It’s great that you’re comfortable in your skin and I’m sure some people would be quite happy to see you naked if it was an agreed upon romantic experience.
If you feel the need to be naked outside of an intimate setting, volunteer as a nude model for a figure drawing class or join a nudist colony.
The...

Truly Terrible Beach Tips

Fri, 08 Jul 2022 18:25:04 +0000

If you notice a fellow beach goer being attacked by a shark in the ocean , allow his / her family members to divvy up their belongings before going through them yourself.
Be sure to bring a sunblock bottle that contains at least 16 ounces, an excellent way to sneak in your vodka.
Swimming too far out into the ocean is very dangerous; having said that, if you swim far enough to get into international waters, and you’re a woman, you’ll at least have all of your rights back. So there’s that.
Absolutely no glasses items allowed on the beach, no exceptions. However, if you show up mid-afternoon on Tuesday, Thursday or Saturday, lifeguard Edgar will be happy to give you a puff of his crack-pipe.
It’s perfectly fine to bring pets along with you to the beach. And just as an FYI, a three-legged dog will most certainly get you laid (although please don’t remove a leg from a four legged dog that you currently know and then bring it to the beach).
If a bus-full of QAnon cult members show up at the beach, please remember that they have as much right to be there as you. If you accidentally toss your frisbee near their area, they won’t give it back, though, just fyi.

Find the Best Swimsuit for Your Evacuation Type This Flood Season

Fri, 08 Jul 2022 17:46:23 +0000

Flood season is upon us, ladies! And you don’t want to be found after three days on a life raft without looking your best!
Shopping for a flood season swimsuit can be daunting. You want something flattering, stylish, and comfortable but that also screams – “Please evacuate me!”
Whether you’re heavily prepared from years of living in a flash flood zone or this is your first flood season thanks to rising global temperatures (totally not fast fashion’s fault!), you’re probably ready to add a few ‘kinis to your closet before it gets flooded and more of those cute but totally toxic textile dyes end up in our oceans.
The Climber
You see flood waters coming and you immediately get to high ground. You need a suit that can take you from clinging to the branch of a tree to the roof of your house to a hill which the waters around you are slowly climbing.
Go for suits with a higher neckline for a sleek and modern look that helps you avoid chest scratches while hugging onto that branch. Consider a one piece for a retro sporty look and also warmth for when cold flood winds hit you at altitude. A higher cut leg draws the eye up – can’t they see you! You’re right up there! Help!
The Rafter
You live in a flood zone and are prepared for such situations. When the floodwaters come you blow up your life raft, throw on some shades for that cool-girl vibe, and get ready to enjoy the waves.
Say goodbye to neutrals. A funky neon suit reflects your glam style and also the light so helicopters can spot you in the ever-rising waters. A belted bottom will add a theatrical flourish that helps you forget about those pesky micro-plastics we’re putting in the world’s water supplies that may or may not have caused this flood. (Weather is fickle. Who can know what causes mass climate change!?)
The Survivalist
You’re prepared for every situation. You’ve packed your emergency bag and have water and food rations with you in your motor boat. You’re ready for a spunky adventure on the high seas while you try to find out if your friends and neighbors are still alive.
Color blocking is so vacay-ready and will look great with your emergency blanket. A mesh or embroidered detail in the chest with a halter neckline will accentuate your broad shoulders needed for helping people climb out of windows and off of roofs.
The Early Evacuator
You heard two weeks ago there was a potential flood in your area and you GTFO. Go for something strappy that you can tie in ten different ways to accentuate the fact that you don’t need this suit for any practical reasons. Weather you go for a bandeau top or crochet monokini, embrace that minimalist and impractical look that’s all the rage right now. Perhaps make a statement with the perfect black suit: “I don’t need anyone to see me from afar”.
Whatever swimwear you go with this season, just remember the most important thing is for you to feel comfortable and confident in your swimsuit (definitely not made from petroleum-based fabrics!) while you send location pings from your emergency satellite phone.

The Best Thing About Taking My Young Kids to the Pool Is Having My Balls Repeatedly Crushed By Their Feet

Fri, 08 Jul 2022 00:45:24 +0000

Ah, summer. The lazy days, the warm breezes, the crushed testicles. There’s nothing quite like unwinding after a long day in a swimming pool with that mellow, full body tingle you can only get from having your gonads savagely wrecked by a careless child’s flailing legs.
When I get home from work, my kids already have their towels out and swim suits on, eager to start the pool season off right with some serious ball blasting. I chuckle and hold my stomach as it involuntarily clenches itself into a tight pretzel knot in anticipation of the full scale onslaught that’s about to be unleashed on my tender nether regions.
The second we jump into the water, each child becomes a super-powered whirling dervish hellbent on the total annihilation of my genitalia. If I give a kid tips on their swim form, I’ll get an erratic foot crammed into my junk. When I sneak up to splash one of them from behind, it’s a sure bet they’ll suddenly pirouette around and thrust out their bony heels to shred my scrote six ways from Sunday. If I try to help one kid float on their back—WATCH OUT!—here comes the other kid to pummel my beanbag with their hilarious “high knees” dance routine. They love to cling to me in an inescapable death grip and howl with glee while my poor pulverized privates are demolished beyond salvation. The anguished faces I make only encourage them; they cackle like deranged geese because daddy’s voice goes up an octave as they eliminate the potential for more family from my family jewels.
What’s that—the water is lava? Better race up the ladder to higher ground, kids! It’s my duty as a responsible parent to take up the rear and have my plums pounded and sack squished while you all make it to safety.
During the final adult swim of the evening, I finally get to bask in some well deserved me-time. I’ll take a deep breath, close my eyes, and float face down in the water until the lifeguards poke me with that telescoping cleaning pole to tell me the pool closed five minutes ago and could I please restrain my children who are running amok in the parking lot banging on cars with pool noodles they swiped from a storage bin.
Ok, settle down, kids. Daddy just needs a moment to towel off and rest his aching, mangled cojones before he can hobble to the car without whimpering and feeling dizzy.
Togetherness is so vitally important, and the endearing summer memories I forge with my kids are built upon the wasted ruins of my shattered nards.

QUIZ: Are You Talking To Your 4-Year-Old Son or Your Husband?

Tue, 05 Jul 2022 21:26:09 +0000

No snacks before dinner.
Use your words.
If you ever use those words with me again I’m giving you a time out.
Aww, you have a boo boo? Let me kiss it.
Try to aim into the toilet bowl, honey, not the rim.
I can’t kiss someone with such a stinky mouth. Have you brushed your teeth today?
We’re leaving in ten minutes. We’re leaving in five minutes. We’re leaving right now. Fine, stay home and ruin your brain with TV. Alone at last!
It’s my turn to have a tantrum and I’ll cry if I want to.
Stop playing with yourself.
You’re going out in a Darth Vader tee shirt and Spiderman pjs? I know you’re expressing yourself and asserting your independence, and I must pick my battles and avoid fashion wars. It’s just that heroes and villains don’t match and I’m humiliated to be seen with you.
I acknowledge that you’re so upset, your face is turning scarlet with rage. You did request Goldfish in the middle of my two hour Zoom meeting. I’m rushing out immediately in the pouring rain to buy a case. Of wine.
Come sit in Mommy’s lap. I’ll make it all better.
Don’t touch me or I’ll scream.
Talking to your 4-year-old son: 1-13
Talking to your husband: 1-13

I Love Self-Checkout Because I Never Steal And I Always Pay For Each Of My Items Every Time

Tue, 05 Jul 2022 20:07:08 +0000

My favorite retail innovation of the last 40 years is self-checkout. It’s the quickest, most secure way to pay for all of my items. There are the occasional snafus when the machine thinks I put an item into the bagging area without paying for it. That’s okay though because I always pay for my items and I would never do something like that. After all, that would be stealing and I don’t steal.
Thieves steal and I’m an honest person who loves to shop and when I’m done shopping I use self-checkout to pay for all of my items.
I would never place an item in the bagging area without scanning it. Even if I wave it over the barcode reader and it doesn’t read, I would never place it in the bagging area or my pocket. I would simply ask for assistance, wait my turn as other honest patrons are served, and then explain to the worker that the baby formula says it’s twice as much as it used to be and there must be some kind of mistake.
It’s the right thing to do.
Trust me, I would never steal from a multinational retailer like Target or Walmart with thousands upon thousands of stores across the United States who set up shop in every town with the intention of driving local business to the ground by lowering prices that mom and pop shops could never compete with and then raising prices of the goods when all the competitors go under so people in town have no choice but to take a job there to afford anything and barely get paid a living wage. A person who steals from upstanding corporations like that oughta be punished!
Don’t these people follow the eight commandment?!
When I go to Home Depot or Lowes, I never fill a large Rubbermaid container to the brim with other items and then only ring up the container when I’m at self-checkout and quickly exit the store before they can check inside. That would be downright wrong. And I wouldn’t even think of weighing an item like a prime rib or a filet and telling the machine it’s a bag of apples. It’s dishonest. The self-checkout machine is just trying to help me and if I lie to it then how can the machine trust any of us?
The unfortunate answer is: it can’t.
That’s why I personally love that self-checkout allows me to demonstrate my honesty to the surveillance camera that towers above me with the warm greeting “MONITORING IN PROGRESS.” When I see the cameras taking a detailed record of my face that will be logged into a massive data storage facility every time I’m ringing up tortilla chips, I feel more secure that the profits of these corporations who employ all my impoverished friends and family are protected and I feel no sense of obligation to get even with them by stealing. If they didn’t take those NSA-level precautions, imagine the kind of world we’d live in where basic necessities were free and people wouldn’t have to steal to feed their family. That would be terrible!
I actually read somewhere that these corporations won’t even stop thieves from stealing but will track them until they’ve stolen a felony amount of merchandise—which is a thousand dollars by the way. That means you, me, or literally anyone could take as much as we wanted without paying the consequences as long as we kept it below that amount. I could leave my house right now and steal $999 in “Fast & Furious 1-9” blu rays and drive home leisurely and happily, a free man. I could even go as far as to sell them on the internet—it would be all profit. Classified information like that just makes me lose faith in humanity and serves no one in need of extra money in these desperate financial times who might not have heard of that loophole.
When I read “The Merry Adventures of Robin Hood” by Howard Pyle I secretly wished Robin Hood’s adventures took place in contemporary America where someone with their iPhone could film Robin Hood stealing and follow him to his car scolding him for what he’s doing. I wish they’d take a photo of Robin Hood’s license plate number and send it to The Sheriff of Nottingham so they could lock his punk ass up...

An Open Letter On Climate Change From Me, A Mobster.

Fri, 01 Jul 2022 15:33:28 +0000

So, guys in my rarefied profession don’t usually weigh in on the “news of the day.” But when an issue starts to affect my business? Something’s gotta get said. (And in case any made men just started makin’ in their pants? Exhale. I ain’t a rat. No names.) OK, here goes:
We gotta do something to fight this Climate Change thing.
Few weeks ago, an associate and I were asked by our capo to take care of a matter in Las Vegas. The less said the better, but it involved someone in the gaming industry failing to pay certain fees owed to his superiors.
So my partner and I fly out, put a bag over the guy’s head, encase his feet in cement and take him out to Lake Mead for a little moon-lit dip. We row out to the middle of the lake – the guy’s screamin’, cryin’, beggin’ – all the things – and we say, “{NAME REDACTED} sends his regards,” then drop the guy in the drink. Easy peasy, right? I’m already thinkin’ about what movie I’m gonna watch on the flight home, or should I binge a streaming show since that’s where so much innovative storytelling is happening nowadays?
But get this. Guy splashes in, starts to sink. Then. Stops. Sinking. Turns out, due to Climate Change-related droughts in the American Southwest, Lake Mead’s water level now only comes up to this genius’s arm-pits. So there we are, me and {NAME ALSO REDACTED}, our jaws hangin’ open and this idiot realizes what’s happening – it’s his lucky day – and out of sheer relief? He. Starts. Laughing.
Now, I don’t know if it was the shock or the absurdity of staring at a guy with a bag over his head and cement shoes standing there in the water like he’s at a pool party.but then I start to laugh, too! And then {NAME ALSO REDACTED} starts to laugh and he’s got this crazy kinda snort-laugh, like a pig – classic {NAME ALSO REDACTED}! – so then we all totally lose it! Three morons out on Lake Mead, crackin’ up like old fishing buddies! Nuts.
So anyway, we blow the guy’s brains out, sledgehammer the concrete off his feet, dismember the body and spend the entire rest of the night driving to remote spots in the Nevada desert. Burying a leg here, a torso there. At one point, {NAME ALSO REDACTED} gets stung by a scorpion. Can you fucking believe that?! A fucking scorpion!!
By sunrise, we both stink of this asshole’s intestines and, even though we’re woozy from all the shoveling, back at the casino we can’t even look at our Meat-Lovers Breakfast Platters.
Or take any pleasure when the dearly departed’s weepy goomar staggers in all, “Where’s
{CEMENT SHOES}?! {CEMENT SHOES} didn’t come home last night!” Normally, that’s half the fun. But nope, not today. We were just too zonked.
And I’m not alone. Seems every other day, I got hit men, con men, made men, trigger men, bag men, button men – you name it – tellin’ me how they stored a stiff in a meat locker only for an extreme heatwave to cause rolling black-outs, and both the corpse and 700 pounds of beautifully-marbled Japanese Wagyu wind up spoiling rotten! Such a waste.
Last month, this heavy I know had some snitch’s car all set to pop. But at breakfast, the rat reads some think-piece in The Atlantic about the environmental impact of the fossil-fuel industry and winds up walking to work! This goes on for a full week. Finally, the heavy gets so sick of waiting, he hunts the guy down while he’s jogging in the woods. But the poor fat bastard gets so winded choking this guy out, he has a heart attack and dies. (To be fair, he’d also eaten a bunch of that spoiled Japanese beef earlier in the day). So the Feds find two stiffs out in the woods!
This is no way to kill. Sure, many of us wear track suits. But not to actually run in! And what can we trace it all back to? Man-made Climate Change. (OK, don’t act like it’s not us who’s doin’ it, ya dingbats – you know it’s us who’s doin’ it!).
So to our World Leaders, I say: Please. I’m begging you. Schedule a sit-down. Make this thing right. Because even if you’re not in the mafia? We’re all connected.
And if we...

QaDon's- American Bistro For American's Who Don't Like America

Thu, 30 Jun 2022 22:10:30 +0000

“Spend Your Independence Day Exerting Your Independence From American Values and Basic Human Decency With Our Special Fourth Of July Menu!!!”
“Each of our meals is served on a paper replica of the Constitution, perfect for soaking up all of the gooey grease and spills!”
Specialty Drinks
Plead The Fifth- Drink several of these bourbon-based drinks and you truly won’t remember what you knew about the planning of January 6th!
Stormy The Capital- Like combining several of Trump’s scandals into one, this drink randomly mixes up a concoction sure to send you running for our poorly list restrooms.
Hang Mike Pence!- Just one Hang Mike Pence equals one very hungover you!
Starters
Taters For Traitors- This may appear to be a small plate containing a few plain, cold, soggy fries, but trust us, we can ensure you that it’s actually a plate piled high with hot fries, creamy nacho cheese, bacon and chives, with a large dollop of sour cream. Who are you going to believe, us or them?
Spineless Buffalo Bites- If you like boneless buffalo bites, then you’re going to love our Spineless Buffalo Bites! Bright orange and with a foul aftertaste that will linger for years, yet surprisingly easy for gullible diners to swallow time and time again.
Stop The Stale!- We truly wish that we could, but we have a lot of stale tortilla chips here in the kitchen. We won’t order any new, fresh chips until these are gone, and there’s nothing that you can do about it, so you might as well dig in.
Main Dishes
Oats Keepers- Look, you’re obviously an angry, closeminded person. Some of that may be attributed to your out-of-date beliefs and racist ideology, but some of it may be due to your extreme constipation (ie, that’s probably not an actual stick up your butt). Solve at least one of those problems with this delicious medley of oats and lukewarm dishwater.
BBQanon Ribs- Aside from being tangy, robust and delicious, these ribs are coated with an amazing glaze that cures the common cold and allows you to see into the future (where Trump is President For Life, naturally).
TrumpBurger- According to the official numbers, the majority of Americans find this to be a repugnant and overly greasy stack of lard and questionable meat. Still, you guys seemingly can’t get enough, so here you go.
Coup d’soup- This rancid combination of ingredients may seem to be hastily gathered together, but in actually have been simmering on the backburner for months. Allow this noxious goo to perform an insurrection on your stomach, and the contents of same will be returned far more quickly than the rioters were expelled on January 6th.
Dessert
Evangelical Cake- Plenty of nuts.

Brainstorm For Dolly Parton’s Google Doodle

Wed, 29 Jun 2022 21:59:37 +0000

The word Google but instead of two o’s they’re an illustration of Dolly’s big, round eyes. Ms. Parton’s dazzling eyes have always been a signature part of her appearance and it was those beautiful eyes that won America over the moment she first appeared on The Porter Wagoner Show in 1967.
The word Google but the two o’s are a lifelike depiction of Dolly’s giant, supple ears. It was those ears that found the new sound of country music and created some of our favorite tunes.
The word Google but the two o’s are an image of Dolly holding her two massive, natural, milky white dinner plates. The doodle would be a callback to her former life as a waitress at Dobb’s House Restaurant before she got her big break in the music industry.
The word Google but the two o’s are large, shiny, globular, heavy-looking, reverent, prestigious Grammy awards to represent her many Grammy wins and other industry accolades.
The word Google but Dolly is riding on top of it because it’s shaped like an impossibly long, hard, sturdy, formidable, substantial limousine from Dolly’s fan favorite album White Limozeen from 1989.
The word Google but it’s lit with spotlights on a green hillside underneath the Dollywood sign and the double o’s in both signs are in enormous, juicy, delicious, pale-colored, visible-from-a-distance, classic SF Hollywood Hills font.

I’m Susan Collins and, By Golly, I’ve Been Duped Again!

Tue, 28 Jun 2022 22:16:05 +0000

On Friday, Justice Kavanaugh joined the majority in overturning the decision he told Ms. Collins he would protect. His seeming turnabout in the case on Friday prompted Ms. Collins and another senator, Joe Manchin III of West Virginia, who gave Justice Kavanaugh crucial votes for his narrow confirmation to vent their anger, saying they felt their trust had been abused. // “I feel misled,” Ms. Collins said in an interview, adding that the decision was in stark contrast to the assurances she had received privately from Justice Kavanaugh, who had made similar, if less exhaustive, pronouncements at his public hearing. – The New York Times 6/24/22
Well, call me a lobster, wrap my lobster claws in rubber bands, throw me in the lobster tank at Kroger, and tell me I’m not gonna be sold as a lobster dinner.I’ve been lied to again! Justice Kavanaugh, who specifically told me he wouldn’t overturn Roe v. Wade, just voted to overturn Roe v. Wade.
I don’t understand how this could happen. Sure, his debaucherous reputation, political ideology, and penchant for dishonesty indicated the possibility he would go back on his word. But he was under oath! You can’t just lie under oath! (Can you?)
Gosh darnit, I just feel like this kind of stuff keeps happening to me left and right!
First it was the guy at Verizon who promised me my bill wouldn’t increase if I signed a two-year contract. Yet, here I am paying more and more money, month after month, and I can still only complete calls in my home’s unfinished attic! There’s so many spiders.
Then it was the nice girl at Bloomingdale’s who insisted that purple was my color. However, when I took her advice, mean people on the internet started photoshopping Grimace onto the Senate Floor next to me.
And that woman on the phone – the one who sounded uncannily like Siri! She told me that my car’s extended warranty had expired. Now, I knew in my heart of hearts that I didn’t have a car, but she PROMISED ME – in a very unsettling electronic monotone – that my warranty had expired. What choice did I have but to believe her? And to give her my social security number to reinstate it. I’m not sure if I have legally regained ownership of my identity yet.
I was bamboozled once more when I received a very convincing email that I had won a free cruise, but when I clicked to claim my cruise, my bank account was wiped clean. Do you know how many stuffy galas I’ll have to speak at to replenish it???
How is anyone supposed to see through these intricate, deceptive, well-thought-out lies! I mean, when someone tells you it’s not you, it’s me, we all assume that it’s not us, right? If the poster for Suicide Squad calls the movie a triumph! then we expect the film to be nothing short of a triumph! Or when one of our friends texts us on my way! we have no reason to think she’s not actually on her way to meet us for dinner! And yet, lies, lies, and more lies! Three hours later we’re all sitting alone in front of a cold lobster as they prepare to close the restaurant.
I’m just so tired. Last night, while at drinks with the girls, Gladys seemed to be avoiding making eye contact with me, and when I confronted her she said, “I didn’t even see you there!” I believed her, but then Julie told me that Gladys was actually miffed with me for missing her niece’s graduation. Well, I don’t like her niece! But come to think of it, I’ve told her I think her niece is a “fine young lady” on more than one occasion. Am I, too, a liar??? And if it takes a liar to spot a liar, did I, perhaps, innately know that this Supreme Court ruling would most likely happen all along?
Who knows! I’m not one to dwell on the past. But this is the last time that I’m going to be duped by vicious lies. From this day forward I’m only listening to people who I really trust. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a very important meeting with an “Anna Delvey” to attend.

Poll: Nobody Wants to Hear About Your Dumb Dream

Tue, 28 Jun 2022 21:19:21 +0000

“One time, Lindsay did that thing where you interrupt the other person who’s talking about their dream to talk about your own dream. The thing was, mine was a fever dream caused by malaria. I was in the Peace Corps and was asking our physician friend for healthcare advice.” —Alana, friend
“OH MY GOD. I literally have six complaints on my desk from Jim in IT, Susan in Marketing, and Louis in accounting. They all called this harassment. We’ve talked to Lindsay maybe 10 times about how she can’t use company devices to email people about her dreams. She doesn’t even work here anymore! She just comes in to talk about her dreams.” —Michelle, HR
“Lindsay once told my five-year-old about a sexy dream that caused her to feel, well, REALLY good. Zoe followed me around for a week asking what an “orgy-sum” was. I don’t let Lindsay come to Thanksgiving anymore.” —Carrie, sister
“I love Lindsay unconditionally. But if she tells me about one more of her dumb dreams, I’m making her move out of our retirement community. Really, she’s 36. It’s time. Maybe she can go live with Carrie?” —Dianne, mother
“Okay, here’s the thing. It’s not just that she talks about her dreams. It’s that she does it while she’s standing over my shoulder while I’m trying to scan her desktop for viruses. And she said I was in her dream and a computer virus infected her with chlamydia. Also, didn’t she get fired? Why am I still fixing her crap?” —Jim, IT
“I asked Lindsay to stop talking about her dreams, and she said, ‘Nobody complained when Martin Luther King did it.’” —Allie, friend
“Lindsay was telling me about a dream and began, ‘Picture yourself in a boat on a river, with tangerine dreams and marmalade skies.’ I said, ‘One of my favorites!’ She had no idea what I was talking about. I played her the entire Sgt. Pepper album and she was floored. Now, I feel like my whole parenting journey is a lie.” —Bob, former hippie and Lindsay’s dad

This Pride Month, Ben & Jerry’s Is Introducing New Flavors To Help You Come Out To Your Aging Parents

Fri, 24 Jun 2022 19:28:23 +0000

Cherry Grove-cia
Ease them in with a flavor that they likely already know and love! We’ve taken our classic Cherry Garcia, a favorite of stoners and dads everywhere, and simply re-packaged it for a more Pride-appropriate feel. You’ll end up spending so much time explaining what and where Cherry Grove is, they’ll barely notice when you casually let it slip that you like women.
Top Gun’s Volleyball Scene Is Anything But Vanilla
It is a known fact in the LGBTQIA+ community that that volleyball scene in Top Gun is super gay. In fact, the whole movie in general could be considered a gay classic, what with the homoerotic tension, the many sweaty shirtless men, and the truly terrible straight sex scene. Now you can educate your parents as to why this 80’s action romp made you realize you like dudes over a delicious scoop of vanilla!
Very Berry Liza Minelli
A refreshing mixed berry sorbet named after a beloved gay icon- perfect for summer and for telling them you too are a friend of Dorothy.
Pose-tachio Cheesecake
Get your parents to agree to watch this tv show about NYC’s iconic ball culture by telling them it’s about the 80’s, a time they looooove to reminisce about. Clear up any confusion they have on your sexuality (and on who Billy Porter is, where have they seen him before, was he in that one thing with that other guy they like) over an episode and a pint.
But I’m a Non-Dairy Eater! Cherry Vanilla Swirl
They’ve never seen this queer cinematic masterpiece from 2000, but you definitely have, and you can explain the VHS copy they found under your bed over a scoop of this non-dairy delight.
All Hail The Queens’ Lavender
Your mom is likely very into the Royal family, or at least is an avid watcher of “The Crown”. Use this royally-named lavender flavor to sit them down and educate them as to the different types of Queens that exist in gay culture. For an extra bonus, chat about how purple is both the color of royalty and how lavender was a symbol of LGBTQ pride back in the day. It works on multiple levels!
Our Flag Means Death By Chocolate
Here’s another flavor your parents probably already enjoy, re-branded to celebrate everyone’s new favorite gay pirate show. Hunker down with them and their HBO subscription over a bowl of chocolate-y goodness while you justify showing them this as educational, but really it’s to indulge in your overwhelming attraction to Taika Waititi.
Honey, I’m Combing Out
If all else fails, just buy them this honeycomb ice cream, put on the Donna Summer classic and call it a day.

Breaking: Women Across the US Overreact to Losing a Basic Human Right

Fri, 24 Jun 2022 17:46:19 +0000

This morning the United States Supreme Court overturned the 1973 Roe versus Wade decision that guaranteed the right to abortion in America, prompting women across the country to wildly overreact to a decision just because it will drastically affect every single aspect of many of their lives forever.
“So now my state can literally decide whether I have to carry a pregnancy to term, inside my own body, whether I want to or not,” a hysterical woman claimed, explaining the grave implication of the ruling with complete accuracy.
“Just calm down ladies,” reassured President Joe Biden as he did absolutely nothing to help the millions of people who just lost bodily autonomy despite having ample time and many options for doing so. “You all reluctantly voted for me for a reason, and I’m going to continue to point my finger sternly and forcefully say that someone in power should do something about this.”
Currently, twenty-two states have “trigger laws” that immediately ban all or most abortion procedures upon Roe being overturned. Some, like Texas, do not even make exceptions for pregnancies caused by rape or incest. “I guess next time I am sexually assaulted I will just, like, hope I don’t also get pregnant and have my life completely ruined,“ an overly emotional college student whined.
But not everyone was reacting inappropriately. “Just because you lose one of the most fundamental human rights doesn’t mean you girls have to get your panties in a wad. It’s Friday, let’s just have a fun weekend!” a man, who will never face any of the life-and-death consequences of this ruling, calmly and reasonably reacted.
At press, a woman was seen irrationally hyperventilating just because her sister experiencing a devastating miscarriage might get arrested or even die now.

Sonic The Hedgehog Tips & Tricks!!!

Thu, 23 Jun 2022 23:01:26 +0000

Level 7: The Volcano Fortress
As Sonic approaches the flaming bridge following the lava-gauntlet, have him stand right at the edge of the Spire Pyre. On your control pad, quickly use the following combination of button clicks: L, 3, 8, R, 2.2.3,L,4B, 3.1.RRL, 4, 2, 1, R,3, and then the same twice in reverse. Your control pad will quickly run out of power, and while you’re changing it’s batteries you can come up with a solution to the level.
Level 16: Fury Of Furry Forest
Dr. Robotnik has turned all of the forest’s creatures into mindless robot slaves, so now all of his former friends are coming after Sonic with a vengeance! They strike in such large numbers that all seems lost for Sonic, but wait! You’re Sonic the Hedgehog, you know Jim Carrey!! You’ve made two movies together thus far, and he even had your over to his So You Think You Can Dance watching party, for Christ sakes! You’ve got his private number, so simply give him a call and within minutes an army of PETA agents will be on the scene in order to deal with the fallout of this animal to cyborg disaster.
Level 24: Subterranean Gem Castle
This level contains a hidden room where you can grab a few much-needed extra lives for later in the game. Simply enter through the door hidden behind the wall of seaweed by creating a spin-attack to break through; behind this door is a Baptist church, where you can quickly become a member and thereby receive eternal lives through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. This also comes in handy later in the game, where feeling morally superior and pompous can assist you in causing Dr. Robotnik to feel unsure of his own religion and life choices.
Level 38: Submerged Pyramid City
Level 38 is easily one of the most challenging of this Sonic The Hedgehog adventure. Aside from being completely underwater, enemies come at you constantly, and from every direction. Probably the best way to traverse this level is by locating a clear dome / force field that can protect you as you complete your tasks. In order to procure such an item, you’ll need to go online and play with a group of other gamers, and in this case comprised totally of Generation Z members. They can easily advise you how to move through life protected inside a bubble, untouched and unoffended by anyone or anything. You may have to greatly increase your online social media presence as well.
Level 50: Robotnik’s Asylum Of Doon
Dr. Robotnik has truly bested himself this time. A cavernous nightmare of distorted funhouse mirrors, beastly doppelgangers and spinning, whirling blades at every turn. Death and loss seem inevitable at this point, until it occurs to you: Those series of Tweets about immigrants that Dr. Robotnik posted back in 2014! A quick peek at the screen captures that you’ve been holding onto for the past eight years provides you with all that’s needed to save the day, as well as Dr. Robotnik’s grudging agreement to calm down with the crazy shit for awhile.

10 Things I (A Gen X Parent) Have Learned From My Gen Z Kids — In Haiku

Wed, 22 Jun 2022 23:29:22 +0000

Drawing furry porn
Is a way to make money
$10 a pop
If your pronouns change
You can still wear the same hoody
Every. Single. Day.
Asking if a friend
Is online or in real life
Invalidates them
A Swiss Miss sachet
Can be frequently consumed
As a dry powder
Simultaneous
Streaming of video games
Fucks with the sonos
If your kid makes a
NSFW post
DO NOT click on it
Wanting to have T
is testosterone and not
A cup of earl grey
Old feminist creed
Makes the kids really upset
Don’t be a TERF mom.
Door dash delivers
7/11 items
From four blocks away
I cannot not ‘stan’ them
That would be really creepy
‘Stan’ is not just ‘like’

Guide to Summertime Portmanteaus

Tue, 21 Jun 2022 21:52:50 +0000

Skort – a skirt that is also shorts
Jorts – shorts made from jeans
Skjort – a popular IKEA work lamp with LED lighting
JonBenetcation – when you rent a cottage near the beach and it rains the whole time so you spend the whole time inside watching true crime shows, many of which you have already seen
PotatoSaladTini – when you bring the Tupperware that once held the potato salad you made for the family reunion home and you use the liquid residue that’s accumulated on the bottom of the Tupperware from having been on a picnic table for a few hours and you make a martini with it
Frankfurtini – a martini made from the water used to boil hot dogs; garnish with a sprig of mustard plant and a mini cocktail weiner
Jortini – when you drink a martini while wearing jorts
Mayochup – mayonnaise and ketchup
Repellnaise – when you are on a hike run out of bug spray so you slather yourself with mayonnaise not because it repels bugs but because bears like it so no one will want to hike with you so you’ll have to go home which is fine because hiking is stupid
Sundaetime Sadness – when you are listening to Lana Del Ray in the McDonald’s Drive-Thru and the voice on the other end of the intercom tells you that the sundae machine is STILL broken
Frankfurmelon – when a mad scientist trying to further perfect the watermelon fuses it with a hot dog making a fruit that tastes like emulsified meat trimmings
Jortmidity – the concentration of jort-wearers in the atmosphere
Blandcastle – when you are on the beach and you build a domicile from the sand but it sucks because you only have one shitty shovel and a broken bucket and you sort of don’t give a shit
Tankini – a bathing suit that is a bikini with a tank top
Fudgekini – a bathing suit made of hot fudge
Jort-Ski – when you ride a Kawasaki personal watercraft wearing jorts (see also, JortRunner)
Jortvember – when you love summer so much that you wear jorts to Thanksgiving
FlipFlopSicle – a popsicle but it tastes like feet
Jort-A-Potty – when you are at a country music festival and have to pee but the line for the portable commode is really long and you don’t want to miss Carrie Underwood so you just pee in your jorts and tell people you spilled your beer
Port-A-pathy – when you have to go potty so bad and you’re so glad you found a port a potty that you don’t take care that it looks like you take zero hygiene precautions prior to sitting down in the 135 degree portable commode outside wherever you are
Jortkini – a bikini made from upcycled jorts
Boston Pops Jorchestra – when you don’t feel like navigating the crowds at the Charles River Esplanade concert so you hand your redneck relatives some kazoos and invite them to play the “1812 Overture”
Spork – thing you bring to a picnic when you only want to pack ONE utensil
Priffles – what you bring when you forget you had to go to a picnic and you have nothing to bring so you say fuck it and dump a can of Pringles and a half-eaten bag of Ruffles into a bag
“Shello Kitty” – what you say when you and your Japanese cat walk on the beach
Jortboard – when you use your surfboard to iron your jorts
Bie-Ber-Cue – when you are grilling some burgers and a Justin Bieber song comes over the bluetooth speaker and you use your grill spatula as a microphone to sing along. It can be any Justin Bieber song but probably it’s “Sorry” or “As Long as You Love Me”
Citrumelo – Citrus and Pomelo
Citrumellow – drinking lemonade and smoking weed simultaneously; see also “Citrus Flavored gummy”)
Citrufellow – Evan Dando
Jortlight Saving Time – the practice of turning clocks ahead during warmer months so you can wear your jorts in the evening and people can still see them
Jortsicle – a popsicle but it tastes like jorts

The Life Coaching for Life Coaches’ Life Coaches Seminar Is Full

Tue, 21 Jun 2022 21:35:50 +0000

Dear Chelsea,
Sorry you missed out this time. If a spot opens up we’ll let you know right away.
If you’d have told me six months ago that life coaching the life coaches of life coaches would be so popular I’d have booked a bigger space than the Grand Plantation Ballroom!
I know you have said you’re reluctant to pay for the virtual pass but I would like to reiterate that the six hundred dollar pricing represents significant value.
You’re getting access to all same presentations, information and group chat and all from the comfort of your own space!
And knowing the stone cold girl boss you are, that could be anywhere, a treehouse overlooking a volcano, a rooftop in Paris, that cigar factory on the goat farm in Cuba I saw you working from last fall.
Honestly, I see you living your best life in the feeds and I know I would feel so fucking envious if I wasn’t actually also living my best life.
If anything, I wish I could host the event virtually. It’s honestly getting harder and harder to leave the ranch (Ziggy the lama loves U!). But the work is so rewarding, as I’m sure I don’t have to tell you.
I’ll let you in on a secret I’ve only shared with the virtual ticket holders who have already signed up. We’re not going to restrict your movement on the breakout tracks. What does that mean? Well, say you can’t decide between sitting in on Darcy Jax’s primer on ‘Moving the Goalposts to Keep Scoring’ or Flinch Thompson’s wisdom drop, ‘Harnessing FOMO and YOLO in Gen Z.’ If you were here in person, you’d have to choose which ONE of our thought leaders to follow and you’d be stuck with your choice. But from the comfort of your Bolivian yurt or van life hammock on the canyon rim, you could just grab a second laptop or phone and log in to both sessions at once!
I’m telling you now that we won’t stop you. Our tech guy said we could do it but it would be an expensive patch at this stage. So I said, fuck it, lets see who is the real fucking deal. Oh, and maybe you also like the look of Penny Power’s mind bomb, ‘Milking the Wellness Worms.’ And why wouldn’t you? Who in our unregulated industry could possibly miss that explosion of raw motivational crack? Then just open up a different browser window and mainline all three of these essential talks at once. That’s real constant improvement right there. Rise and grind bitch. Rise. And. Grind.
You need to visit the girls room? Only virtual attendees get to take a dump and not miss a fucking second of the magic.
Now I’m thinking about it, we really should be charging you triple the attendance fee!
Have eyedrops and energy bars at hand and be prepared to not miss a single fucking moment because that’s just for starters.
In the afternoon you’ll be able to screen all six mini breakouts at once, from your pool with a cocktail. Or even while you are coaching a client on another zoom call, while also Insta Mining with one of those shiny sexy hippy posts you do so well.
Mahogany Jones on ‘Fake Therapy.’ Check.
TeeVee Peepee on ‘Growing the Seeds of Self Blame.’ You’re here too.
PK Dick on ‘We Can Build You.’ And here.
Berry Tolkien on ‘Exploiting Weakness.’ And here.
Jojo Goblinhead on ‘Capitalist Mind Rape.’ And also here.
Fred Savage on ‘Bullying Without Shame.’ And even here.
You’ll be fucking omni-present like a GOD. Only better than a God because God’s aren’t real. Unlike you, you solid gold piece of shit.
You want to know who the keynote is?
I can’t tell you. It’s top secret. But I can tell you they are the biggest name we’ve ever had.
No, it’s not Fred Savage.
It could be the Pope. It could be a very well known gangsta pimp. It could be an Obama. It could be Paltrow. It could be Elon Musk’s third top publicist.
Buy a ticket and I’ll tell you.
Still not convinced? Maybe you don’t want to miss all the networking at the Broken Record Karaoke in the Slave Quarters?
Upgrade to a virtual VIP pass and you will be carried backstage on an eight inch screen and we’ll annoyingly interrupt up to three conversat...

Urgent: It’s Me, Reality. I’m Trying to Get in Touch With You!

Thu, 16 Jun 2022 17:55:17 +0000

Hey, all.
Let me know if you get this! Are you still corresponding with me?
Many have found my recent behavior impossible to accept. I did some things I thought were funny, but they weren’t taken that way.
I have no explanation for why I bent the space-time continuum in several places and then shouted, “Now it looks like a cock and balls!” I meant no disrespect toward folks who make their homes on this continuum. But I hear their complaints about living within a twisted hellscape timeline that features values, laws, and diseases reminiscent of bygone eras, and yet somehow also has Zoom meetings and oat milk.
As you may know, there have been ongoing mediations with the affected parties, and these haven’t gone especially well. I want to be transparent about what happened.
Basically, I went to recent a Reality focus group in Ohio – where a bunch of people had met up to help each other focus on me. But even though I was right there, just about everyone found me too gnarly to be conceivable.
The first agenda item that day was a Reality check, during which I waved my arms and said, “Yo! Check it!”
However, no one seemed to notice, and people murmured amongst themselves. Someone said, “When is this meeting going to start?”
Then I clapped my hands, and I said, “Yoo hoo!” This also garnered no response. I said, “Up here, everyone. Please face me!”
The group’s facilitator, who seemed super attached to me at first, suggested I be more undeniable. I tried some other things that didn’t work. Finally, I spun around and spread my butt cheeks. I said, “Take a bite of the Reality sandwich.”
Someone said, “Does anyone else feel a draft?”
I went to a corner and sat down, just totally resigned to myself.
But the facilitator didn’t retreat, opting instead to lead everyone in an exercise that involved ten minutes of reciting the year — 2022. It seemed so promising.
The facilitator said, “Nice job, everyone! One more time — what year is it?”
“1922!” someone shouted.
“No, Henry,” said the facilitator. “It’s like I was explaining to Matilda and Ethel here. I’m pretty sure it’s 2022.”
Everyone nodded, but then someone mentioned all the roving gangs of white nationalists, and there was confusion again about the year. The facilitator produced a cell phone. “How do you explain that everyone talks on these things now?”
After a lengthy baffled silence, someone said, “You can talk on that?”
One member let out an exasperated sigh. “Listen, I know for a fact that people are eating a lot of Brussels sprouts.”
Another member stood up. “Yeah! If it’s really the 21st century, why are there so many bedbugs and so few shopping malls?”
“Hmmm. Compelling points,” the facilitator said. “Come to think of it, there’s a dust bowl forming in the West.”
Someone said, “Yeah! The religious fundamentalists are riled up about everything from cinema to jazz.”
The facilitator said, “I’ve noticed that, too. And major changes are happening with Russia – the Bolsheviks are on the move.”
I tried to intervene, shaking the facilitator by the shirt lapels, waving smelling salts, and presenting a viral tweet about cheese. I said, “Come back to me!”
But an argument broke out about whether it was the same year here as it was in Europe.
“I’m telling you,” someone said. “I know for a fact that American women have been voting for at least the past two years.”
“With their ANKLES SHOWING?” said the facilitator.
Someone said, “You mean to tell me the future is being decided by women?”
Several people responded, “No! Boo!”
Someone said, “A woman’s only job is to carry illnesses to full term — to protect the life of the virus.”
“What’s a term?”
“What’s a virus?”
“What’s Bitcoin?”
At this last comment, I had to get out of there, and I mean that literally - an epistemological wormhole opened and sucked me out of the room. The next thing I knew, I woke up at an Ace Hardware in American Samoa, clutching a variety of comfortingly tangible metal items. It was the opposite side of the globe. The people...

My Favorite Genre Is True Crime, Which I Consume With the Utmost Reverence

Thu, 16 Jun 2022 17:18:52 +0000

From true crime television shows, to true crime podcasts, to true crime television shows about true crime podcasts, there’s no shortage of true crime content. But with so many passionate fandoms and no shortage of creators in the mix, there are bound to be some “advocates” not serving the victims or their family members. That’s why those of us in the true crime community need to make sure to treat these stories — and the real people involved — with the care and respect they deserve.
I try to immerse myself in as many aspects of true crime as I can. Each day, I carve out time to help investigate the unsolved homicide of an attractive woman from my hometown, all in the selfless pursuit of finding a break in the case. I’ll pore over video and transcripts looking for minor inconsistencies across the tearful interviews given by surviving friends and family, inviting them over social media to explain these discrepancies. Her father has still yet to explain why he referred to Dillingham Way as Dillingham Street when recalling the last place he saw his daughter alive. And more recently, he blocked me on Twitter altogether, which I find highly suspicious.
It’s such a sad story though; she was so young and beautiful and female and white, making it all the more tragic.
I’m also dismayed by how often producers use their platform to glamorize perpetrators. Just the other day, a new series about a serial killer went on gushing about the subject’s charm, good looks, and success in his chosen field of murder. To counteract this, I try to humanize the victims of these senseless yet nonetheless very fascinating crimes. I’ll ask myself questions like, did they have any hopes and dreams of their own? Say, to become a teacher, or a veterinarian, or perhaps someone that did not get murdered?
This genre has enriched my life so much that I’ve begun to further contribute by launching my very own true crime podcast. I’ll send you a link to check it out, but for now just imagine a bed of ominous royalty-free music with my voice overlaid as I read Wikipedia articles verbatim about cool and vicious cases with the gory details overembellished.
The focus is on cold cases to start. Those are great because you can string them out into a bunch of episodes depending on how many avenues you explore. Maybe even a spin-off show or feature deal if you corner the market on an exciting open investigation. And if you’re lucky enough to crack a case you can really strike it big with lucrative book deals and speaking tours and merch tables. Providing closure for the families would also be nice.
Please do subscribe though because I’m really hoping to break into the top 100,000 shows on the true crime charts.
For audiences, these programs also serve as beneficial guides for teaching you practical ways to protect yourself. For example, I now carry my keys between my knuckles while walking to my car at night. I also pay the equivalent of a small mortgage each month for a top-of-the-line SimpliSafe security system. To get from my bed to the bathroom I have to navigate through a matrix of Mission Impossible-style lasers, but you can’t put a price on safety. If you’d like, my show can hook you up with 10% off an excessive alarm setup of your own using the coupon code SCARED.
If you don’t think you have time in your schedule to check out any true crime shows, you can follow my lead and watch or listen right before bed. Just set the sleep timer as you drift off. I tend to have vivid, horrifying dreams of gruesome violence, each instance more terrifying than the last, permanently etched into my mind as a harbinger of my own demise, but I’m pretty sure that’s because of my melatonin usage. I should really wean myself off that stuff.
Hopefully this inspires you to get involved with true crime yourself. If you find any good new titles, do send them my way! Ideally, your recommendations will follow a traditional three-arc narrative structure with little to no ad breaks, featuring ...

Hello My So-Called Plant Sitter, Care To Explain These 45 Dead Ferns?

Wed, 15 Jun 2022 23:17:30 +0000

CJ, I’m glad you picked up. I’ll keep this short.
You are the most selfish, thoughtless, lazy, murderous, backstabbing person I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing in my 38 years of life. I just got home, and every single one of my beautiful ferns I asked you to water is dead. All 45 of them. Rotting in their pots.
The thing about ferns, CJ, is that they’re supposed to be alive. Do you remember the water cycle from middle school? It rains, the plants absorb that water from the soil, and then excess water evaporates from the leaves and the cycle begins once more. Well, for indoor nonflowering vascular plants – like my late ferns – you have to be the Rainmaker. You have to play God, and you, CJ, single-handedly caused a Biblical level drought on these poor, helpless ferns. Coniferous 2:17: Thou hath ravaged my ferns, and now thou art no longer invited to my bowling alley birthday party.
When I left you a voicemail asking if you could watch my ferns, and you never got back to me, I assumed your silence meant you had no questions about the intensive two-week care regimen I’d detailed. Well, apparently you had lots of questions. Given the carnage in the apartment, it’s as if you never listened to my voicemail, and spent the past two weeks in blissful ignorance, never knowing the arduous responsibility I had thrust upon you.
I took a risk on you. Rick said you house-sat for him last year and Rick loves his house more than his wife and children, so I figured if he let you in his house, I could let you near my ferns. No, no, stop. I don’t want to hear about how you “never check your voicemail” and had “no idea you were supposed to do this for me.” Save your excuses.
I look around this apartment filled with stinking, decaying plant matter, and now, I’m not even really sure who I am anymore. What do I do with my bathroom hand towel embroidered with “time flies when you’re having fern?” Or my bumper sticker that reads: “My fern is better equipped to survive in a damp, dark environment than your honors student.” And what of my tattoo? Do you know how painful it will be to remove the words “ferns of a feather flock together” from my lower back? (Emotionally speaking.)
I see you didn’t even open the new bottle of fertilizer spray I left on the coffee table – right next to the $40 in Doordash gift cards I left you as payment for your two weeks of service. I guess you didn’t touch those either. I know it wasn’t much, but it’s what I had to offer. I cannot stress enough how difficult it is to raise a family of 45 highly sensitive ferns on a Southwest flight attendant’s salary.
Do you want to know about my favorite fern that you killed? His name was Timothy. He liked the sun, which most ferns don’t, but he tolerated sun better than any fern I’d ever known. Then Augustus, my bravest fern; I wonder if he was the first to go – showing the others it was ok to move on. And what about Stephanie, my youngest fern? Did you sing to her? Did you sing to her as she lay dying? Dying in the very dirt she’d soon be buried in?
Did you just. did you. I know you did not just suggest to me that I reuse her pot for a new fern. Should I just dig up my grandmother and reuse her coffin while I’m at it?
You know what, at this point, I don’t even know what else to say to you. I think the grieving process just needs to begin. They say the first step is denial. I know my ferns are dead. Check. The second step is anger. I will live in this step for eternity.
Anyways, that’s all I had to say about the ferns. Now how did my dog do while I was gone? He hasn’t come to greet me yet.

Monopoly for Millennials: The Updated Rulebook

Tue, 14 Jun 2022 17:25:04 +0000

Ages: 26 – 41
2 to 8 Players
Contents: Gameboard, dice, tokens, Chance and Community Chest cards, play money, 12 AirBnBs, and 32 houses (none of which you will ever be able to afford).
Object: The object of the game is to become the wealthiest millennial. The best way to do this is to be born into generational wealth.
Preparation: Each player chooses one token to represent themself while traveling around the board. Tokens include:
Oat Milk
iPhone with Cracked Screen
Weed Gummy Bear
Podcast Microphone
Ill-Fitting Bridesmaid Dress (must replace after each use)
Zoloft Tablet
Laughing Crying Face Emoji
Thimble
Each player starts with $1,500, but some players must give the Banker $100 every 10 minutes, in an effort to pay off their student debt.
Banker: Make sure to select a player with a trust fund. If no player fits this criteria, opt for the player who has attended private school or whose parents own a country home, pied-à-terre, and/or boat.
The Bank: In addition to holding the Bank’s money, the Bank also deals out the cards, houses, and AirBnBs prior to purchase. The Bank can do anything it wants, and there will be no consequences imposed by the government. In fact, the Bank will be given more money as compensation for taking and then losing all your money. This will become increasingly clear throughout the game.
The Play: The player with the highest credit limit goes first. Place your token on the corner marked “GO,” roll the dice, and then go wherever you want, because you’ve probably had a credit card since high school, that was paid for by your parents.
Property: As mentioned before, there is no possibility of affording property (except for the Banker, who can use their trust fund to “invest in real estate”). As a result, you will be required to pay a 10% increase on rent every time you land on any of the 22 property spaces surrounding the board. Even the lowest-value properties will cost you close to 30% of your gross household income. So your most strategic move would be to avoid property spaces every time you roll the dice.
“Chance” and “Community Chest”: When you land on either of these spaces, take the top card from the deck indicated. Follow the instructions and return the card face down to the bottom of the deck. Examples of cards include:
Can’t get a job? Pay $30 for LinkedIn Premium.
Catch a stomach bug. Too bad there are no sick days in the gig economy. Forfeit your next three turns.
Listen to your parent’s advice and just “show up at the CEO’s office with your resume in hand.” Get escorted to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
A Note On Changing the Rules: For a more authentic experience, the rules will sometimes change while playing Monopoly for Millennials™. New information will be relayed directly to the Banker (IE, the wealthiest player), and the remaining players will be responsible for figuring out the new rules as they play. The Banker may enforce these new rules as they see fit, up to and including taking everything owned by the other players, including their token, whenever they so choose.
Game End: If a player owes more money than they can pay, they can receive a loan from the Bank (at an interest rate of the Banker’s choosing). Alternatively, a player who owes money can delay paying their credit card bill, which will cause them to rack up credit card debt. This will hurt their credit score and thus make it even more impossible for this player to purchase a home in the future. There is no way for most players to win this game, as they will be stuck paying rent indefinitely.
Happy playing!

Spelling Bee Or STD

Fri, 10 Jun 2022 19:07:35 +0000

This year’s Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in a lightning round spell off. The words were tough, but not as tough as a positive STD test at a clinic. Would you know the difference? Here’s a quiz to find out:
Charadriiform
Ditalini
Chlamedia
Moorhen
Chancroid
Gonorrhea
Sereh
Trichamoniasis
Pyrrolidone
Senijextee
Papillomavirus
Syphilis
Otukian
Scyllarian
Spelling Bee Word: 1,2,4,7,9,10,13,14
STD: 3,5,6,8,11,12

NOW CASTING: Romantic Lead For New Wave Reality Dating Show Filmed Primarily In A Sensory Deprivation Chamber

Thu, 09 Jun 2022 22:01:16 +0000

Get ready to Stockholm Syndrome your way into a dubiously legally-binding marriage with the least financially stable, most emotionally volatile, sentient pair of swim trousers you’ve ever met on our new dating show, Sex Fest Island. The twist? There’s no sex and you’re trapped 30 feet underground in a dark, dark chamber devoid of warmth or feeling. You are technically on an island, though.
Hosted by agents-of-interpersonal-chaos Nick and Vanessa Lachey, this dating show will leave you with the impression it was clearly made up as production went along. Here’s how it will works:
First, you will rank each of the 25 contestants from 1 to 25, based on their apparent readiness for parenthood. Then, you will plummet into the sensory deprivation chamber for twelve hours, where you will be totally cut off from sunlight, sound, and reality itself. When you emerge from the chamber, you will be immediately bused to a group date at a carnival with your top 20 men, all of whom have been deprived of food and sleep for forty-eight hours. You will then ride a carousel 1,000 times and consequently have vertigo for the next two weeks of filming.
Next, you will choose your top 12, and give each of them a closed-mouth kiss on the top of the Ferris wheel. The bottom 8 contestants will be sent to the sharks (the island is surrounded by sharks). However, before they are sent to the sharks, they will be given the choice of reconnecting with their wives, who they came to the island with. If they would rather return home with their wives than be eaten alive by sharks, then they are allowed to do that.
Now, back in the sensory deprivation chamber you go, for many, many hours. But don’t worry! The chamber is monitored by our grossly underpaid production assistant, Neal, at all times. When you’re eventually let out of the chamber again, 6 of the men have been switched out for 6 different men. You must correctly guess which 6 were a part of the original 12. If you guess correctly, you get a $150 shopping spree on Rodeo Drive, Los Angeles – that’s right, where the celebrities shop!
You will then go on a date with your least favorite contestant, where you will be served food from The Medieval Ages. The contestant will have to call his estranged father and unpack years of pent-up resentment under the watchful eyes of the producers (and God and America). You are allowed to send him home after this date. You will now choose your final 8 men by shooting the rejects in the knees with an actual gun.
Next, you must bring a contestant into the sensory deprivation chamber with you. You are not allowed to touch or talk in the chamber so that you may focus your energy solely on your shared trauma bond, which is a crucial part of all successful on-camera relationships. After a few days of submersion (with only short breaks for seltzer water and braised duck provided by Too Good To Go, served by Neal) the contestant must self-eliminate and return to The Army.
By now, one of the contestants has gone missing on the island, so this means you will only have 6 eligible men left when you partake in The Great Races. You must run up and down the beach until you pass out from exhaustion. Whoever lasts the longest is allowed to accompany you to your high school reunion. The two of you will be blindfolded, flown off the island, and then pushed out of a moving car into your old high school parking lot. Per your contract, you will show him off to all of your childhood friends, and then break up with him very publicly in the gymnasium before returning to the island, alone.
With just 5 contestants left, it is now your duty to have a hot, safe-for-Netflix makeout under the covers while monitored by a night-vision camera, then wake up to breakfast in bed before going back into the sensory deprivation chamber. This part takes about 30 weeks because they shoot the morning after scenes with the same expensive, complex film they use to shoot Euphoria.
Finally, you draw a name out of a hat...

Even Though the Office Is Still Completely Engulfed in Flames, I’m Gonna Need You All to Come Back in Full Time

Wed, 08 Jun 2022 20:41:46 +0000

Dear Staff,
I think you will all agree that I’ve been more than generous in allowing you to perform your work duties remotely these past several months while our offices have been consumed in flames. But enough is enough—it’s time to get back to work.
Now, you may be wondering, does this mean that the fire, the exact origin of which has yet to be determined, though I strongly suspect our competitors to the east, has finally been contained? Yes and no.
No, as in it has not at all been contained, and in fact has since spread to the third and fourth floors of the building. But yes, in that I am now willing to accept the presence of the fire, which has been upgraded from a “contained blaze” to an “all-out inferno,” as part of our new workplace reality. You’re just going to have to live with a bit of torrid temperatures and some fourth-degree burns going forward. (To prevent skin peeling, we strongly recommend that you lather your bodies head to toe in Vaseline before showing up to work. We are also willing to forego the company policy about not adjusting the office thermostat. How’s that for accommodating?)
The good news is, despite now covering nearly every square inch of the building, we’re told by the local fire department that the severity of the fire has actually subsided considerably, from roughly 2,000° Fahrenheit (what’s known as “orange-yellow” fire) to a far less concerning 1,300-1,700° Fahrenheit (or “deep red” fire). At this temperature, the flames are less likely to kill you than they are to leave you permanently scarred and disfigured, which, I think we can all agree, isn’t nearly as bad. I mean, it’s still bad, sure, but it’s not like end-of-the-world bad. Though I suppose technically it could be end-of-your-world bad if you were to succumb to your burns, which is a very real possibility.
I understand that these are far from ideal working conditions. But if we only chose to come in to work when everything was exactly how we wanted it—say, when there weren’t balls of fire raging through the hallways like deadly tumbleweeds, or the floors weren’t so hot that they become unbearable to stand on after just a few seconds, so you have to keep hopping from one foot to the other (don’t worry, you’ll get used to it)—then no one would ever show up and we wouldn’t be able to provide customers with a product that they’ve come to love and rely on: novelty-themed toilet plungers (by the way, we’re excited to announce our new line of rainbow plungers for Pride Month).
That said, going forward I expect everyone to come in at least 40 hours a week, which, coincidentally, is the exact amount of time that the human body can withstand such temperatures before their internal organs begin to melt. Failure to show up for the full 40 hours will be taken as your resignation.
This mandate applies to all employees of the company, including executives. As the CEO, I intend to be here in person every second of the day, roaming the offices in my custom-made thermal-resistant spacesuit in order to help maintain morale and keep tabs on those workers who fail to show up.
See you all on Monday!
P.S.: Please use the south entrance to the building from now on. The east, west, and north entrances are now completely blocked off by walls of flame, as are most emergency exits.

Horror or Hallmark?

Tue, 07 Jun 2022 22:30:24 +0000

Read each of the story elements below, and identify whether it’s from a horror movie or a hallmark movie! Should be easy – right?
A man coming out of nowhere when you least expect it
A remote cottage or cabin
Character gets trapped somewhere they don’t want to be due to weather – a freak snow storm, for example
A small town full of secrets
Stumbling into a tall, dark stranger
Scenes that make you want to vomit
Men in disguise – masks, beards, fuzzy red suits etc.
A walk in the woods
Actors and actresses you vaguely recognize, but can’t quite place
Main character explores somewhere she’s been explicitly told not to go
A crumbling old manor house
“It’s been you all along.”
Woman’s car breaks down on the side of the road
Woman moves alone to new town
Kids with creepy smiles
A mysterious groundskeeper
Man waiting outside main character’s house
“Surprise!”
Cult-y town traditions
Predictable endings
Sexism
Nobody remembers to lock their door
Intense eye contact
“I never expected it to be him”
Answer Key:
A man coming out of nowhere when you least expect it And he’s the one! (Who kills you!)
A remote cottage or cabin A: Where you meet your fate!
Character gets trapped somewhere they don’t want to be due to weather – a freak snow storm, for example A: Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, he’s going to get you now.and make you his bride!
Stumbling into a tall, dark stranger A: And it’s til death do us part!
Scenes that make you want to vomit A: Sickly sweet! (Like a body rotting in the sun!)
Men in disguise – masks, beards, fuzzy red suits etc. A: Dressed to kill!
A small town full of secrets A: Stay away from old house on the hill! And my ex-husband too you city slicker!
A walk in the woods A: Take me hand, I’ll show you the way!
Actors and actresses you vaguely recognize, but can’t quite place A: Ah! I know I’ve seen them before! But I just can’t place it! Let me Google it – anything’s better than paying attention to this movie!
Main character explores somewhere she’s been explicitly told not to go A: Oooo let’s see what’s in this dark basement! Oh god who’s there?! AHHH!! Fuck I should’ve listened!!!
A crumbling old manor house A: If these walls could talk they’d say RUN! (Into the open arms of your lover!)
“It’s been you all along.” A: I should’ve known from the way you’ve been stalking me!
Woman’s car breaks down on the side of the road A: Oh no! My batteries dead! (And now I am too!)
Woman moves alone to new town A: Welcome to the cult Cough I mean village!
Kids with creepy smiles A: Come and play with us!
A mysterious groundskeeper A: Your bedroom door creaks open as he sneaks into your room at night
Man waiting outside main character’s house A: Invite me inside- I won’t bite!
“Surprise!” A: We’ve been waiting for you!
Cult-y town traditions A: Baking contests, snow princess pageants, and mass suicides – come join us!
Predictable endings A: Everyone saw it coming except the main character
Sexism A: Women love to bake, and play with little kids. and get murdered!
Nobody remembers to lock their door A: What do I have to fear? I’m just a single woman alone in my house!
Intense eye contact A: Eyes that scream, he wants me!
“I never expected it to be him” A: And now that he’s found me, my life will never be the same!

Sedona's Bell Rock Energy Vortex Yelp Review: One Star

Tue, 07 Jun 2022 22:03:50 +0000

If you’ve seen the Mars Perseverance Rover’s picture of a cave on Mars, you’ve seen Bell Rock. (Is the government lying to us? Can we prove those aren’t pictures of Sedona?) Bell Rock Trail is an Elon Star Wars fan fiction simulation. I give this vortex One Star for lack of originality.
My 5G stopped working from the Vortex’s 4D: fourth dimension (4D) “consciousness.” So, I let my third eye guide me up the rock. But energy erupting from bulging cactus heads clouded my Vision. It was sticky and palpable: One Star. Arizona’s Parks and Rec should put signs up about this: “Warning: 4D not compatible with 5G. Third eye might get cloudy from metaphysical cactus cum.”
I read about how certain vortexes have an “outflow” or “inflow” of female or male energy. And all I can say is, this was definitely an outflow site! I’d consumed copious amounts of Taco Bell on my seven-hour drive there. And boy did I leave a Bell Rock trail, squatting behind boulders. They should call it Taco Bell Rock Trail. Very inconvenient, very uncomfortable: One Star.
The only way to feel the electricity in this sacred electromagnetic hotspot is to bathe in the red dirt. But I couldn’t feel anything with elderly tourists watching. They kept yelling “please stop” and “is she ok?” as I stripped to my birthday suit. I heard one woman smack her husband. Following Reddit’s advice, I rubbed the sacred soil into every crevice of my face, thighs, and buttocks.. And nada!
Parks and Rec should post etiquette rules for uninformed tourists! Very inconvenient, very rude: One Star. There should also be an A-list section for people with more elite energy, like myself, those versed in the occult, who’ve done their research!
I did some self-exploration on my way down the rock, taking a page from the Indigenous Yavapai Apache tribes. And let’s just say I saw a side of myself I would’ve rather not seen. Bell Rock opened my chakras, ruffling up memories I’ve stuffed down (with Taco Bell). Like, last week when I accidentally called my boss “Mom” in a meeting. And other painful moments we shall not speak of. So, I’m billing Sedona’s tourist board for the shaman I now must pay to exorcise resurfaced trauma: ONE STAR!
I give this (Taco) Bell Rock Vortex One Star!

AK Mart and 14 Other NRA approved Wedding Registries

Fri, 03 Jun 2022 21:37:07 +0000

Crate and Gun Barrel
Target
Bed, Blood Bath and Beyond
IKillYa
Forever 21 Rounds
Ka-Boomingdales
Hobble Shop
AK Mart
Amazon Primed and Double Pumped
Smith and Weston Elm
Neiman Carcass
MyGunRegistry
The Shotery Barn
Restoration Military Hardware
Ammothrologie

No One Has The Right To Take Away Our Doors

Fri, 03 Jun 2022 16:48:23 +0000

Urgent notice to my fellow Door Manufacturers:
We are under attack! This is a crisis of epic proportions. Not since open floor plans became trendy has our industry been in this much danger of fading into obscurity. The ‘one entrance, one exit’ movement sweeping the nation is putting our entire sector at risk. If your livelihood depends on the fabrication, sale, and installation of doors, then this is no laughing matter.
No one will be spared. If all buildings subject to potential mass shootings decide to throw ease of movement and fire safety to the wolves by cutting all egress options down to a single file line, it’s going to put us all out of business. It won’t just be cutting down our door production numbers prohibitively, but with all the excess doors no longer needed, we will be flooded with an overabundance of inventory. And we just cannot count on another Matrix sequel to pick up the slack.
Where are we going to sell all of our excess doors? Sure Europe and Asia still seem to enjoy having multiple access points to their enclosed structures, but for how long? Once the rest of the world sees how successful in curbing mass shootings the one door policy is, they are sure to follow suit. Even if no one else really has mass shootings to begin with. You can never be too secure!
This is just the first step. It’s only a matter of time before entrances and exits are eliminated completely. In the not too distant future people will realize that the most protected our children will be is with zero ways in and zero ways out of any building. Just large featureless rectangles incapable of being accessed. There’s nothing safer than that.
My grandfather, a door-man from the old country (not to be confused with a doorman, who will also be adversely effected if this ‘one entrance’ plan goes live. What will their jobs entail once there are no doors? A wallman is not as in demand.) came here with nothing to his name but the clothing on his back and an intimate knowledge of expert craftsmanship in Dutch Doors. He was always fond of saying that the only certainties in life are death, taxes, and needing doors for not only providing security by protecting passage into any given structure, but also to properly delineate distinctive areas from each other. It was a very long saying and I would often get bored halfway through. Still, he’d be rolling over in his barn door themed coffin at the historical crossroads we currently find ourselves staring down.
We need to get the PR machine up and running fast. The chorus of those calling for door minimization is growing at an alarming clip and if we sit idly by and do nothing to stem the tide we are sure to be relegated to the obscurity files. Just like cassette tapes, slide projectors, and every other weapon but guns.
Let’s change the narrative. I know we’ll have to own up to some of the responsibility. Doors are a big part of the reason so many people are dying from these tragic murders. None of this would happen if there weren’t ways to get into places. A person with a gun would most definitely get confused and stymied by a lack of entrances, probably spending several minutes wondering just how they can get inside a building with one door, eventually just giving up because the sheer weight of all the guns and ammo they are carrying is starting to tax their muscles. We understand that. And we have to face the music.
But we can, nee must, also point out the benefit of doors. It’s not all bad. Doors can do good as well as evil. Doors don’t need to just be the problem, they can also be the solution. In fact doors can save you! Just ask Kate Winslet’s character in Titanic. Without that door she’d be in Davy Jones’ locker right now. Unless the locker door was locked, then she’d be beside Davy Jones’ locker trying to get in.
Be sure not to ask Leonardo DiCaprio’s character from Titanic. One door giveth, the other taketh away.
Maybe we can cast blame elsewhere? How are windows skating by unscathed? If doors...

Truly Terrible Wedding Toasts & Announcements

Thu, 02 Jun 2022 22:54:11 +0000

“First of all, here’s to the kid who rode his bike right in front of the limo during last night’s bachelor party. If we could, let’s have a moment of silence.”
“We’ve got a lot of toasts to get through, and unfortunately Kevin’s mom broke into the bar in the middle of the night last night, so please try and make this glass of champagne last for awhile if you can.”
“So until the plumbers figure out what’s going on with the restroom flooding situation, if everyone could please just stand on your chairs during the toasting segment, that would be great.”
“To anyone here who was a part of the bride’s failed death-cult a few years ago, sorry if the sparkling apple cider is bringing back any bad memories.”
“Finally, to the guys who made this entire thing possible, Lucifer and his Agents Of The True Darkness, who I see are swiftly and mercilessly destroying the cheese fondue station as we speak.”
“Some of you can reach beneath your chair, and find a purple orchid taped to the underside of the seat; this simply means that you dated the maid of honor during a certain time period, and there are a few members of the health department here who need to speak with you as soon as possible.”
“Please don’t be concerned about the goodie bags smelling like bug spray; some ants had gotten into the bags earlier, but we took care of it, so everything should be fine now.”
“In a bit of excellent news, the Smithville Slasher has finally been caught, and is currently being held for questioning! In less great news, that means that unfortunately we’re looking for a new best man. Pretty much anyone will be fine at this point, so just c’mon up!”

#SuperheroSodas

Wed, 01 Jun 2022 22:50:33 +0000

This looks like the fizzy work of The Coker! It’s #SuperheroSodas on this week’s trending joke game! Here are some of the best on @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST.
Let’s play #SuperheroSodas with co-host @HashtagRoundup powered by @TheHashtagGame TOP TWEETS go up on
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) June 1, 2022
The Barq Knight #SuperheroSodas
Dan Levey (@iamdanlevey) June 1, 2022
The Winter Soda #SuperheroSodas
Robbie Sherwood (@RobbieSherwood) June 1, 2022
The Fanta-stic 4 #SuperheroSodas
Dan (@Danimal941) June 1, 2022
Groot Beer #SuperheroSodas @paul_lander
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) June 1, 2022
#SuperheroSodas The Coker
DM (@patchdennizen) June 1, 2022
Buzz LightBeer #SuperheroSodas
Julia Gulia (@SwimmerJlo) June 1, 2022
SpriteMan.❤️ #SuperheroSodas
🟢Justinnnnnnn☕️🦖❤️ (@fivefortweeting) June 1, 2022
The Green Tea Lantern #SuperheroSodas
Sydney Kravetz (@booksavor) June 1, 2022
Dr Pepper Potts#SuperheroSodas
Michael Williams (@Biggydawg315) June 1, 2022
The Orange Crusher #SuperheroSodas
Truth Social (@socialtruth666) June 1, 2022
Hank Pybb. #SuperheroSodas @AntMan
Zlati Meyer (@Zlatimeyer) June 1, 2022
Thanos Snapple #SuperheroSodas
Dan Levey (@iamdanlevey) June 1, 2022
“Faygo Go Gadget copter”#SuperheroSodas
Dan (@Danimal941) June 1, 2022
#SuperheroSodas Dr. You Know Who.
Inch High Privet Guy. (@IHPGuy) June 1, 2022
Thorange Soda #SuperheroSodas
Oliver Langmo (@Olivergoesoff) June 1, 2022
The Mountain Dew Great Thing#SuperheroSodas
Kris Black 🐱 (@KrispyGold21) June 1, 2022
Doctor Pepper Strange #SuperheroSodas @KitLively
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) June 1, 2022
Diet Cloak #SuperheroSodas @lilyrae13
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) June 1, 2022
Luthorsade #SuperheroSodas
Stuzi 🐝🐝🐝 (@Stuzipants) June 1, 2022
7-Up, Up and Away! #SuperheroSodas
Schmeep (@Schmeep) June 1, 2022
Dr Mountain Doom #SuperheroSodas @KitLively
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) June 1, 2022
#SuperheroSodas A&wonder woman root beer
Sammy is here 520 (@520Sammy) June 1, 2022
Sprite #NoEffort #SuperheroSodas
Dan Levey (@iamdanlevey) June 1, 2022
Rainbow Sprite #superherosodas
Meg Reid (@meg_it_happen) June 1, 2022
Black Panther Cherry Cola #SuperheroSodas @paul_lander
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) June 1, 2022
#SuperheroSodas The magnificent seven up
DM (@patchdennizen) June 1, 2022
#SuperheroSodas Fanta Claus 🎅
Ladyfish🦈 (@Ladyfish666) June 1, 2022
Dew-stice League. #SuperheroSodas
Archie-Duke Shrew. (@trojanrabbit64) June 1, 2022
#SuperheroSodas A & Wolverine
Teresa Palmitessa (@TeeCeePal) June 1, 2022
Wolvercream. #SuperheroSodas @RealHughJackman
Zlati Meyer (@Zlatimeyer) June 1, 2022
Doctor Strange Pepper. #SuperheroSodas
Zlati Meyer (@Zlatimeyer) June 1, 2022
Iron Sunfist #SuperheroSodas @KitLively
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) June 1, 2022
#SuperheroSodas
The Fanta Stranger
Disgruntled Cow (@Disgruntled_Cow) June 1, 2022
The Tonic Avenger
#SuperheroSodas
Dan Fiorella: Writer Guy (@DanFiorella) June 1, 2022
#SuperheroSodas The 7up
Callum Mccrae (@callummccrae1) June 1, 2022
#SuperheroSodas Pepshe-ra
chris heardman (@heardmanchris2) June 1, 2022
#SuperheroSodas Captain Coke Zero
1SafeDriver (@1SafeDriver) June 1, 2022
Powerade Rangers (not totally soda I know) 🤷‍♂️ #SuperheroSodas
Hughes! (@hughesphoto) June 1, 2022
Cokeclops #SuperheroSodas
4 2 0 (@ruskiduski5) June 1, 2022
Deadpop #SuperheroSodas
4 2 0 (@ruskiduski5) June 1, 2022
#SuperheroSodas Aquafina Man
Ladyfish🦈 (@Ladyfish666) June 1, 2022
Sierra Mystique #SuperheroSodas
Dan Levey (@iamdanlevey) June 1, 2022
Shierra Mist #SuperheroSodas @lilyrae13
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) June 1, 2022
Mister Pibb Mxyzptlk #SuperheroSodas @paul_lander
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) June 1, 2022
Fantam #SuperheroSodas @lilyrae13
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) June 1, 2022
Sierra Mysterio #SuperheroSodas @paul_lander
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist...

The Boner Ban Bill, Because Life Begins at Erection

Wed, 01 Jun 2022 19:00:16 +0000

Americans are more divided than ever over abortion, but I’ve come up with a great idea! The debate always comes back to when and whether someone can end a pregnancy, so by the time a uterus is involved, it’s too late in the reproductive process for people to agree about what should be allowed. The clear solution is to simply replace contentious laws regulating uteruses with a sure to be less contentious national law that regulates reproductive organs that can’t get pregnant: penises. I can’t believe a Congress that is three-quarters men hasn’t considered this yet!
Why penises? That is often a question with no good answer. But in this case it’s obvious! If states are going to continue to redefine “life” – a philosophical and/or religious concept with no basis in science or medicine – to justify regulating not just pregnancy, but increasingly phenomena like fertilization that occur before pregnancy, then the new law must boldly go even further upstream in the reproductive process and codify the logical conclusion to this line of thinking: life begins at erection.
As such, I propose a comprehensive Boner Ban Bill. The bill will prohibit all boners, regardless of how or why they occurred, even if several busty women in red swimsuits run by in slow motion on the beach. To ensure compliance with this part of the bill, one should avoid going to the beach, watching 90’s television reruns on TNN, and remembering their college roommate’s bedside poster. Because erections are sacred vessels of life, the bill must include an exception for boners generated with the express intent of initiating a pregnancy that will be carried to term. In those cases, a man is required to simply get a permission slip signed by his parents and his wife and certified by a notary public to prove that he meets the erection exception.
The bill should also include active surveillance measures for identifying those with unauthorized boners. Enforcement of the bill’s provisions will heavily rely on everyday citizens to report people for violations in exchange for a cash prize. Because any interaction could be with someone who may try to entrap you so they can get the boner bounty, the best way to comply with this law is to – paraphrasing another popular and effective public health campaign – just say no to hugs.
Being caught with an illegal erection must of course come with stiff consequences to truly prevent something that has already happened from happening. Please note that even if one or more persons contributed to this condition, the boner-haver alone will be the one to face consequences. The sure-to-be-effective punishments for violating this prohibition include paying a humiliatingly large fine to a sexy comptroller like a piggy, being tied up in tight leather shackles in a dark dungeon, and/or a long hot spanking session for being such a naughty naughty boy. (Note: due to the nature of these consequences, reading about them is also banned.)
Finally, you might think that a Boner Ban Bill would include funding for boner prevention education, so people don’t get into hard situations they don’t want to be in, and for prevention measures, like making pornography, boxer briefs that are too tight, and a gentle breeze on a summer evening harder to access. But to be consistent with other legislation regarding reproductive health, none of that is included in this proposal because men should simply not be engaging in behaviors that may lead to erections in the first place, even if they aren’t entirely sure what those behaviors are and/or don’t have access to the means to stop them.
I am confident that a ban on penile tumescence will quickly heal the stark divide in America over reproductive rights. No doubt the many men who have been so passionate about regulating uteruses will be thrilled to realize their accidental oversight of a great solution to this problem, and will be just as enthusiastic about a law that regulates their bodies instead!

Welcome to Burrito California (a Local Tex-Mex Restaurant That Gave Don Henley Diarrhea)

Wed, 01 Jun 2022 01:53:36 +0000

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of carnitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw bright neon light
My belly rumbled and my eyes lit up
I had to stop for a bite
There she stood at the counter;
Amidst a Tex-Mex smell
And I was thinking to myself
“This might be Heaven but probably Hell”
Then she asked for my order, “I’ll have the number eight”
There were voices from the kitchen and
I thought I heard them say.
Welcome to Burrito California
We have lots of meats (We have lots of meats)
Try the seasoned beef
Burritos are good at Burrito California
We have even more (We have even more)
We have al pastor
Tortillas steamed and wrapped tightly, they got the rice and the beans
They’ve got the fourth best beer assortment that I’ve ever seen
Taste buds dancing with hot sauce, forehead starting to sweat
I was eating for pleasure; I’d soon want to forget
So I called to the cashier
“More Sierra Mist please”
She said, “Our drink machine is on the fritz. How ‘bout a raspberry freeze?”
And my intestines were groaning, soon I would pay
They’d wake me up in the middle of the night
And I’d hear them say.
Welcome to Burrito California
We have patio seats (We have patio seats)
And, again, seasoned beef
You’re gonna be sick from Burrito California
But you will come back though (But you come back though)
Because we have nachos
Mirrors in the restroom
Showed my face turning white
And I said, “I am now a prisoner here of my own appetite”
But I returned to the counter
“Shrimp quesadilla please”
The girl looked up, eyes aflame as she said,
“You should really have the beef!”
Last thing I remember, I was
Speeding toward my home
I had to find the highway back
To the street that I lived on
“Relax,” said my wife then
“You should really try to breathe”
Stuck on the toilet for the rest of the night
Thought I would never le-e-eave!
(Outro: guitar, haunting groans of digestive agony)

Reality Show Spinoffs The World’s Not Ready For

Fri, 27 May 2022 17:29:33 +0000

Queer Factor
Eating spiders and jumping off cliffs is so 2003. Today’s contestants must overcome their deepest sexually based fears. Watch these brave souls come out of the closet, share their internet search history, and hook up with someone who doesn’t regularly get tested for STIs. Only one person can win (and it’s not the guy who catches Chlamydia).
Hundred Thousand Dollar Pyramid Scheme
Competitors enter into a multi-level marketing scheme from which they’ll never financially recover. It’s the show that mimics real life! Each time some poor sap buys into the scheme, the show lasts another painful week. Tune in before the pyramid crumbles down on some wantrepreneur’s dreams.
The Bong Show
Untalented nobodies perform skits in the hopes of making a fool of themselves on national TV. If they fail to draw a laugh, one of the judges must take a hit from a comically large bong. Produced by Snoop Dogg, each contestant is invariably worse than the last, so that the judges can get nice and toasted. It’s the only way anyone can sit through this dreck.
So You Think You Can Prance
Flamboyant souls from across the country fight to earn the title of the nation’s top prancer. D-list celebrities judge hopeful contestants on the limpness of their wrists and the exaggerated spring in their steps. To win it all, contestants must hop over puddles and sashay across catwalks, all without breaking a nail.
Bollywood Squares
India’s washed up celebrities answer questions and deliver scripted jokes from their perch inside a giant Tic-Tac-Toe board. In true Bollywood style, the cast breaks out into physics-defying dance numbers that do nothing to advance the plot. Whoopie Goldberg dons a sari and appropriates center square, where she spreads her ill-informed theories that the Holocaust had nothing to do with race.
Who Wants to Beat A Millionaire
Penniless eggheads progress through a series of multiple choice questions for the opportunity to beat a millionaire to a bloody pulp. Lifelines include phone a blood-hungry friend and ask the audience which weapon to use. Hosted by the corpse of Regis Philbin, this spinoff has half the intelligence of the original but twice the cannibalism—so get ready to eat the rich. (Warning: Corpses may contain nuts.)
Are You Smarter Than A 1st Grader?
Adults go back to school to see if they’re smarter than their six-year-old counterparts. Challenges include adding one digit integers and recalling who the dish ran away with (the spoon!). In the bonus round, competitors must stick their boogers to the bottom of their desk without getting a nosebleed.
The Amazing Racists
Bigoted contestants travel across the globe vying to prove that they are the biggest racists on television. Paired in teams of two, the xenophobes trek through countries full of people they can’t stand, to highlight aspects of their racial superiority. Daring challenges have competitors weaving through narrow slums, while ensuring the white hoods don’t slip from their faces.
Name that Toon
Participants listen to famous animated clips to try and name the character. While children should have the edge in this contest, the victors tend to be neckbeards who live in their mother’s basement and survive on a diet of Mountain Dew and Cheetos. Evidently, it takes a man child to master the art of children’s programming.
Survive Her
Attractive Hollywood wannabes are dumped on an island in Fiji and forced to vote off their tribemates one-by-one, starting with the contestants who give the worst sound bites. To save their middling ratings, producers give hidden advantages to the cast members most likely to make a teen girl swoon. As the tribe dwindles, remaining contestants must survive the wrath of the one angry woman who just can’t even.
Naked and Betrayed
Pairs of nude survivalists are dumped in the bush with nothing but a knife and a Hollywood camera crew. Promised a safe location for filming, the contestants are instead abandoned in the middle of a warzone. Audi...

Zillow Listing for Ted Cruz’s Special Place in Hell

Fri, 27 May 2022 16:37:52 +0000

Why have more than one door when you’ll never leave? This is the paradise you thought was only for other people!
Every exquisite feature of this bespoke property reflects your public record.
Constructed by Unhallowed Homes and occasionally materializing near Cancun — this captivating 0 bed/0 bath amnesty-free detention center features alfresco security windows, freeze-dried pipes, and organic drinking water.
Highly targeted concierge service means waking each morning to a breathtaking trans-rectal ultra-sound. With a worry-free landscaped colon, you’ll be free to focus on the day ahead, caring for thousands of full-term babies. This non-transitional “closed concept” hideaway offers floor-to-ceiling walls and a breast-feeding shed for chaste Northern exposure of your busy nipples.
With remediated net neutrality, the home exudes the romance of yesteryear. Enjoy chef-grade, slow-cook Wifi in a main-level media room that doubles as home gym, limestone slab patio, and birth certificate certified jack-and-jill washroom.
With minimalist healthcare that’s totally exclusive toward you, experience leisurely visits to your physician, Dr. Google. The home provides panoramic views of your sumptuous weeping sores to fans as far away as Russia, thanks to complimentary and unlimited surveillance and data collection programs.
Sometimes situated on a rare corner lot downwind of Donald Trump’s estate, the home benefits from aromas of lavish galas he’s totally scot-free to host. But even if you were invited, how could you leave this childcare-free oasis? Low wages ensure a focus on the family. This refuge from the everyday stresses of literature and Big Bird will leave your kids free to rough-house with firearms located throughout the property.
Atmospheric add-ons to this timeless retreat include a virus lanai and a whine cellar.
New-build offers custom experience at this can’t-miss property! Live who you are in the palace of your own design!
“Facts” & Features:
Date of Completion: Jan 06, 2021
Heat: Combustible
Cool: No. Trying way too hard.
Community: Gated
School Funding: No
Fire Exits: No. It never does.
Security: Largely rhetorical
Foundation: Fact-free Originalism
Materials: Narcissism, Stucco, Grovel, Double Vanity, and Flexible Moral Alloy
Exterior features:
Ornamental border wall
Above-ground oil pipeline
Fracking cabana
Infinity Coal Pit w/gasoline misting system
Floodwater feature
Vote History of the Property: Change in value
6/08/21: Paycheck Fairness Act: No +666%
9/22/20: Ceremonial Resolution to Honor Ruth Bader Ginsberg: No +666%
6/20/16: Transfer of Firearms to Suspected Terrorists: Yes +666%
4/30/14: Minimum Wage Fairness Act: No +666%
2/12/13: Violence Against Women Reauthorization Act: No +666%
1/04/13: Hurricane Sandy Relief: No +666%
Rental Income if leased to Lindsay Graham or Jim Jordan
Monthly Earnings: 1 pure soul + 4 live chickens
Click here to descend even further to the Landlord Portal
Type of Loan Available
Predatory
Click here for Cold Calculations Calculator
Listing Agent of Darkness:
Waiting periods are intolerable! Preview your new home today, either in-person or via Zoom, an equally effective way to glimpse Hell.

Fake Product History: The Evolution of KY Jelly

Thu, 26 May 2022 19:29:37 +0000

Aug 15, 1937- Inventor Kensworth Youngerton returns home from work, discouraged about the results from his latest project, a brand new dessert topping. His wife, sensing his malaise, attempts to lift his spirits with the aid of a leather bustier and his new dessert topping invention.
1939 – 40 New York World’s Fair- During the first presentation of the new KY Jelly product, a large container of the jelly is accidentally spilled onto the stage, resulting in the first known instance of what eventually comes to be known as breakdancing.
1942- The nation’s men are initially hesitant to rub an odd, sticky substance onto their members, until their wives think to simply lie and tell them that the jelly will also make their members much larger.
1957- The Catholic Church, never happy when sex is made easier somehow, announces their disapproval of KY Jelly. Within months, it can only be found on the same shelves as butterscotch and chocolate dessert toppings.
1963- As soon as certain parties of the Catholic Church discover how well KY Jelly also works on “particularly small, extra tight” areas of the body, their ban is lifted. KY Jelly has it’s best year to date as the Catholic Church begins to regularly buy in bulk.
1978- Harkening back to their dessert topping roots, KY Jelly Inc. branches out into the world of flavored lubes. Most varieties experience some measure of popularity and success, but none more than “Communion Wafer”.
1989- Adult film sets begin to regularly use KY Jelly as a part of their daily routine, but only on the craft services table as a topping for Hot Fudge Sundae Thursdays.
1993- As his desperate attempts to battle hair-loss spiral out of control, Donald Trump purchases case upon case of KY Jelly, as it’s the only thing that can keep the mountainous mess under control. Sadly, he doesn’t read the warnings on the bottle that “use upon the scalp can lead to possible brain damage”.
2005- A Cosmopolitan college survey finds that, rather than a sexual aide, students are more likely to use KY Jelly as a secret ingredient in their water balloons.
2038- Seven years after taking over Earth, sentient android machines finally find a good use for humans: grinding them into a paste which they use as their own variation of sexual lubricant.

Closing Credits From The Biopic Of Charles Lindbergh’s Baby

Tue, 24 May 2022 18:52:38 +0000

CAST (In order of appearance)
COLIN FIRTH as Delivery Room Doctor
MALCOLM MULANEY as Charles Lindbergh Jr.
LILY COLLINS as Anne Morrow Lindbergh
LUCAS TILL as Charles Lindbergh
PAUL DANO as Kidnapper
RICHARD KIND as Search Party Volunteer 1
BILL CAMP as Search Party Volunteer 2
JOHN CARROLL LYNCH as Search Party Volunteer 3
FRED MELAMED as Search Party Volunteer 4
STEPHEN ROOT as Search Party Volunteer 5
MICHAEL STUHLBARG as Search Party Volunteer 6
JK SIMMONS as President Herbert Hoover
LUIS GUZMÁN as Search Party Volunteer 7
STEPHEN MCKINLEY HENDERSON as Search Party Volunteer 8
MARGO MARTINDALE as Search Party Volunteer 9
RICHARD JENKINS as Search Party Volunteer 10
DANNY TREJO as Search Party Volunteer 11
JENNIFER COOLIDGE as Search Party Volunteer 12
DANNY DEVITO as Search Party Volunteer 13
JEFFREY WRIGHT as Search Party Volunteer 14
DALE DICKEY as Search Party Volunteer 15
DAVID SCHWIMMER as Search Party Volunteer 16
COURTNEY COX as Search Party Volunteer 17
MATT LEBLANC as Search Party Volunteer 18
MATTHEW PERRY as Search Party Volunteer 19
LISA KUDROW as Search Party Volunteer 20
JENNIFER ANISTON as Search Party Volunteer 21
JENNIFER GARNER as Search Party Volunteer 22
JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT as Search Party Volunteer 23
JENNIFER JASON LEIGH as Search Party Volunteer 24
JASON LEE as Search Party Volunteer 25
MACAULAY CULKIN as Search Party Volunteer 26
KIERAN CULKIN as Search Party Volunteer 27
RORY CULKIN as Search Party Volunteer 28
KIT CULKIN as Search Party Volunteer 29
STELLAN SKARSGÅRD as Search Party Volunteer 30
MY SKARSGÅRD as Search Party Volunteer 31
ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD as Search Party Volunteer 32
GUSTAF SKARSGÅRD as Search Party Volunteer 33
SAM SKARSGÅRD as Search Party Volunteer 34
BILL SKARSGÅRD as Search Party Volunteer 35
EIJA SKARSGÅRD as Search Party Volunteer 36
VALTER SKARSGÅRD as Search Party Volunteer 37
KEENEN IVORY WAYANS as Search Party Volunteer 38
SHAWN WAYANS as Search Party Volunteer 39
MARLON WAYANS as Search Party Volunteer 40
DAMON WAYANS SR. as Search Party Volunteer 41
DAMON WAYANS JR. as Search Party Volunteer 42
KIM WAYANS as Search Party Volunteer 43
CHAUNTÉ WAYANS as Search Party Volunteer 44
DAMIEN DANTE WAYANS as Search Party Volunteer 45
JOHN WILKES BOOTH IX as Search Party Volunteer 46
DANNY GLOVER as Guy Who Finds Dead Baby

Our Favorite Authors and Their Favorite Drugs

Tue, 24 May 2022 17:37:09 +0000

We know so much about these famed writers, but do you know what they were on when they penned their masterpieces?
Walt Whitman: Whitman was the OG stoner. He probably didn’t call it weed. Maybe it was hemp at that point? But he was definitely rolling fat doobies before he convened with Mother Nature.
Hemingway: This guy was just a fraternity bro who was way ahead of his time. We all know he was ripping beer bongs and snorting cocaine every morning. Couple lines, and he’s ready for wherever the day takes him – whether it be fighting in a war that doesn’t concern him, running from bulls, or just cheating on his wife. With a little bit of a blow and a healthy dose of misogyny, he was raring to go.
Edgar Allen Poe: Heroin, 100%. I mean this dude basically invented heroin chic. Wandering around, a gaunt little skeleton man writing about death and insanity. Birds are talking to him, he can hear hearts beating under floorboards, and he looks like he hasn’t seen sunlight in decades.
James Joyce: This is a tough one, because evidence [The entire text of Finnegans Wake] would suggest that he was on a cocktail of SEVERAL drugs, but his drug of choice was, in fact, Whippets. That’s right, James Joyce was big into nitrous oxide. You may know it as the best part of Reddi-Wip, but to Joyce, Whippets were just part of his average workday. Ever not understand an entire line, passage, or novel written by Joyce? Well, now you know why: Whippets. Joyce is a classic example of why we should all just say NO to N.O.
Jane Austen: Xanax. This was the only way poor Jane could cope with earning 600 euros for her writing over her lifetime. Every time she thought about Kiera Knightly raking in several million for playing a role in the screenplay of the book for which she was paid 100 bucks, Austen would just toss back a Xanie. Every time she remembered that she would never live to see herself become famous, let alone earn enough to move out of her parent’s attic, she took a Xanax. Ever marveled at Jane Austen’s placid expression in old drawings? It’s the benzos, baby.
Sylvia Plath: Adderall. If you’ve ever read this girl’s diaries you know she was definitely on something. Nobody has ever made that many checklists sober. In one of her journals she said, “I can never read all the books I want.I can never train myself in all the skills I want.” And the unofficial end to that quote, is “But damn it, I’m going to try. Thank God I have Adderall.”
Fitzgerald: Fitzgerald, much like his good, old friend, Jay Gatsby, was here for a good time, not for a long time. It was well-known that he and Zelda never threw a party without Ecstasy. It was, in fact, typical for everybody to be absolutely rolling face at a Fitzgerald houseparty. Fitzgerald was quoted saying, “When I was writing about Gatsby’s parties, I just imagined my own, and then took out the MDMA.”
Harper Lee: We all know that after Collins wrote, “To Kill a Mockingbird,” she retired to her house in a most Boo-Radley-like fashion and never wrote another book (unless we count the one her family stole from her and published without her permission). But do you know why Collins never wrote that next, great American novel? Bath salts. I know. It is shocking – especially given her kindly old-lady vibes. But the truth is, HLC was into PCP. And once she got into that shit, writing just wasn’t a priority anymore.
Lemony Snicket: After writing world’s most depressing children’s stories, Snicket found that he just couldn’t go on without Ketamine. Now, living off the royalties from his 13-book Series of Unfortunate Events, you can find Snicket partying every weekend at One Oak, Tao, or the House of Yes, twerking while he throws back his favorite horse tranquilizer.
Virginia Woolf: Now at last we can reveal what she was doing in that Room of Her Own: tripping – on shrooms. Her proclivity for psychedelics may also explain her stream of consciousness style of writing, which certainly reads like a trip to me. Turns out, W...

Level With Me...How Exactly Is The Multiverse Different From Our Universe?

Fri, 20 May 2022 17:44:42 +0000

Crypto currency is still a thing, but is represented by large mason jars filled with porridge.
From her vast oceanside fortress, and within a cybernetic body made of flesh-rending torture devices, Mariah Carey rules with a literal iron fist. On the plus side, she allows everyone to have free cable.
No chicken nuggets; instead, unicorn nuggets.
Roe v Wade has never been reversed, but unfortunately, in the multiverse Roe v Wade is the title of a popular WWE wrestling bout.
There is no Star Trek, but there are still plenty of other reasons why guys can’t get laid.
Rodeos are the most popular sport in America rather than football, with saddle sores given the same serious consideration as concussions are given in our universe.
Little Debbie is not the name of a snack cake conglomerate, but rather a rogue gathering of nano-machines that have somehow gained sentience, and regularly terrorize the populace with violent murder and admittedly hilarious prank phone calls.
Nudity has been outlawed, but porn has not; so its basically just a bunch of making out and dry-humping.
Clowns are not treated with fear, but rather are a welcome sight, due mostly to their pockets full of free meth.
There is no expression similar to “I love you.”, but more than 3, 750 phrases that essentially mean “Eat my ass.”.

CARTOON: Supply Pains

Fri, 20 May 2022 04:39:17 +0000

Paintings of Classical Antiquity That Pay Homage To Breasts

Thu, 19 May 2022 17:47:13 +0000

Welcome to the Breastish Museum in London, a Victorian brownstone dedicated to celebrating women, whose fronts have been at the center of the art world for millennia. On our top floor, we pay homage to masterpieces that supported the idea of breasts as the one power women had in classical antiquity. Indeed, most forward-thinking, high-minded male painters who influenced modern philosophy and pioneered cultural movements (European Neoclassicism, for example,) had the genius to recognize the need for women to bare their chests whenever possible.
The highlights are as follows:
Cleopatra and Caesar (1866), by Jean-Léon Gérôm
Cleopatra meets Caesar in his palace, where her breasts control not only the famed statesman, but also those he led in ancient Rome. The Queen of Egypt’s breasts, which were known for speaking multiple languages, mastered people from all over the world. Although Cleopatra’s wealth supposedly derived from her savvy management of Egypt’s farming, papyrus-making, and other industries, we now know her breasts persuaded her male minions to give their money to her. Those magnificent orbs, so beautifully rendered by Gérôm, kept politicians from interfering with Egypt for decades.
Europa and the Bull (1528-1588) by Paolo Veronese
Here, the princess Europa chats with her fellow virgins, an activity that makes her blouse fall down her shoulder. (This exhibit emphasizes that women who want attention should always have at least one breast out.) Europa does not realize her left breast is exerting its power over Zeus, forcing him to transform himself into a bull so he can carry her off from the beach and rape her. Veronese warns the viewer how treacherous breasts can be, particularly when their owners do not watch them closely.
Ariadne (1886) by Sir John Lavery
When Theseus abandoned his lover Ariadne on an island, she threw herself into the time-honored tradition of trying to get a man back by undressing. Sir John Lavery exhibited a masterful and prescient understanding of how a side breast exerts its powers more indirectly than a full one. In this touching painting, Ariadne allows her nipples to escape her sheer dress so that she can wave them at Theseus in a heart-broken farewell. Thus exposed, her breasts sing a dirge to him in a vain attempt to control him from afar.
Cassandra Imploring Athenafor Revenge Against Ajax (1795–1838) Jerome-Martin Langlois
In a fit of passion, the god Apollo blessed the Trojan princess Cassandra with prophetic sight. When she refused to strip for him, however, he ordained that nobody would take her predictions seriously. As a result, the Trojans did not believe Cassandra’s warning that the Greeks would overwhelm their defenses; soon, the Greek soldier Ajax was raping her as his loot. In this masterpiece, Langlois shows that it’s never too late for a woman to learn from her mistakes. After Cassandra experiences her epiphany that she should expose her breasts the next time, her nipples compel the goddess Athena to avenge her against Ajax.
Battle of the Amazons (1870-1873) Anselm Feuerbach
The Amazons go to battle in their traditional armor: nothing. All women know they’re most likely to win a contest against a man in the nude. The Amazons, being unusually fierce, needed to display their nipples so they could bring their adversaries to their knees in adoring surrender. Unfortunately, the Amazons got carried away by squirting breast milk at the soldiers’ eyes; it didn’t project far enough and caused the horses to slip. In a stroke of genius, Feuerbach makes the milk invisible in this painting. The viewer sees that although breasts are all-powerful, milk operates on a subtler level.
The Discovery of the Child Erichthonius (1577-1640) Peter Paul Rubens
The Ephesian Artemis, the goddess of fertility, announces that women would have more power over others if they had five breasts instead of two. Three princesses panic and rummage for silicone implants in a basket. Alas, it holds only Athena’s ...

Modern YOLO Alternatives

Tue, 17 May 2022 16:59:50 +0000

PELOSIO
Party Everyday Like Obama’s Still In Office
LAMBO RAMBO
Let’s All Meet in a Big Orgy Right After My Botox Operation
SUPERMARIO
Staying Up Perusing Elden Ring Maps And Researching Incantations Online
MARCO POLO LOCO
Mindfulness And Riding COVID Out Peacefully On Lots Of Ludes and Oatmeal (Clothing Optional)
BONGO
Buying Overpriced Necessities is Getting Old
CHURCHO
Christ in Heaven, the Unexplained Rising Costs of Healthcare are Outrageous
SLOMO
Student Loan Organizations are Malicious and Obscene
CHEESMO
Collapsing Harmony and Equality on Every Social Media Outlet
IDAHO POTATO
I’m Distressed About Housing Options and Priced Out of Tons of “Affordable Town” Opportunities
YOTABISTRO
You Ought to Think About Building an Inexpensive Shanty Town Right Outside
DISCO CRISCO
Delinquents Ignore Social Consciousness and Overtly Contrive to Ruin the Integrity of the Supreme Court’s Opinions
PLATO PLUTO
Perhaps Let’s Abolish Totalitarian Oligarchies as Putin Launches Us Towards Oblivion
HIGGI-BOPO-ROPO
Hey, I’m Gonna Get Intoxicated Before Our Planet Overheats and Runs Out of Precious Oxygen
LAGOONISMO
Life’s A Giant Octopus and Oh No It’s Strangling Me, Ouch!
FART AT COSTCO
Finally, A Relatively Therapeutic Action That Can Offer a Safe and Timely Cathartic Outlet

Yoga Poses To Help You Feel Closer To Death

Tue, 17 May 2022 16:39:19 +0000

The Downward Spiral Dog
The less emotionally well-adjusted cousin of the classic Downward Dog, this is a move that helps you to open your soul to the fact that you will never be a “morning routine” person, but that you will definitely be a “morning existential crisis,” person, and they might as well be the same thing.
How to do it:
Set your alarm with the intention of at least trying to start that morning routine you read about, the one that’s guaranteed to transform you into a self-made billionaire who takes cold showers for fun, and eats raw kale as a cheat snack. When you realize that this is not only unrealistic, but also stupid, lay on the ground with your body directly in the sun, just like a dog. Take deep breaths in and out, soaking in all that free vitamin D people are always telling you will cure your depression forever. When you realize how great this feels, continue laying down, with no plans to get up until you start to get hungry, also not unlike a dog.
The Worrier Pose
Not to be confused with the popular Warrior Pose (the Warrior Pose is for people who do real yoga), the best thing about this pose is that it will be hard to ever STOP doing it!
How to do it:
Though the Worrier Pose will feel most effective when done from bed at all hours of the night, the optimal time is actually from 11pm-3a.m. Lay flat on your back, or on your side curled up in a fetal position. Allow all thoughts to come and go, especially “were my biopsy results really negative, or is my doctor perhaps illiterate?” “Is my partner cheating on me with their handbag?” “Could aliens exist, and if so, are they related to Mark Zuckerberg?” Hold pose for the duration of the night as you softly hum the mantra “yes to all three,” and gradually let go about twenty minutes before your alarm is set to go off. You need to get some sleep!
Mountain of Regret Pose
The Mountain of Regret pose accommodates all lifestyles, and is a popular pose for home, the workplace, or the community. It’s your choice where you perform the Mountain of Regret pose, just remember that it’s probably going to be the wrong one!
How to do it:
While seated, hug knees to your chest and drop your head into your legs, so that your shadow resembles a mountain. Hold it there as a way of drowning out the sounds of all your poor life choices surrounding you. Many prefer an alcoholic beverage to enhance the effects of the Mountain of Regret pose, but please exercise moderation, or you will find yourself stuck in this pose indefinitely.
Hunched Over In Chair Pose
This is one of many seated positions that you will never want to leave. Just like the name implies, this pose is intended to be done directly from a chair, and requires only a proclivity for procrastination and poor posture.
How to do it:
The important thing is to never get out of your chair, no matter how many limbs start to lose sensation. Exceptions include if your phone starts to die and you need to find the charger, or a low smoke detector battery becomes so annoying, that it must be ripped out and destroyed with a hammer. Remain seated in chair, with your knees bent and your back slumped. Repeat for as many seasons of Succession as necessary until your streaming network of choice asks if you’re still there, or until the drool wakes you up once you’ve fallen asleep, whichever comes first.
Standing Forward Bend and Snap
This pose might sound like a fun, flirty move from a Reese Witherspoon movie of your peak sexual years, but don’t let the name fool you. This is a serious move, and it’s not for the faint of heart, nor the weak of skeleton.
How to do it:
Bend over, reaching for the Cheetos you dropped on the floor. There it is! That’s the snap, and it’s coming from your back. If you have been waiting for a sign from the universe that it is ok to finally just give up, this is definitely the one. Breathe in and out as you consider whether you should call someone, or just spend the day face down on the floor inhaling several year...

CARTOON: Electric Car-toon

Fri, 13 May 2022 17:22:56 +0000

Your Luggage is Not Lost; It’s on a Journey of its Own Choosing

Fri, 13 May 2022 16:26:17 +0000

Dear loyal airline customer, we thank you for your patience while we process your lost luggage claim. We are happy to report that your luggage is not lost. Rather, it has pursued a different flight path. One of its own choosing.
Our company’s goal is to help travelers find a comfortable means of getting to where they’re headed. Like our commitment to flying you safely and comfortably to your destination, Newark, we are also committed to making sure your bag is where it’s meant to be: in Zurich.
We take pride in our customer service skills, and our ability to handle the needs of both travelers and their luggage. Which is why we gave you a complimentary voucher for a free soft drink at Auntie Anne’s to apologize for your last-minute flight cancellation. You’ll be happy to know that your luggage experienced no delay in traveling to Zurich. We were so appreciative that your luggage chose our airline for its first trip that we gifted your luggage a free upgrade to first class, complete with a five-course meal, prepared by our very own Michelin star chef.
Now, we understand it must be a bit of a shock to be without your luggage. Especially given that you’ve told us several times that you have “an important job interview” that you fear you might miss. Don’t worry! Instead, bask in the knowledge that upon arrival, your luggage swiftly exchanged your suit for a fine Swiss necktie. Soon enough, you’ll be on your plane enjoying a similarly high quality fabric: a small scratchy blanket that is most definitely clean.
Our airline wishes to reaffirm our desire to lighten your load, both metaphorically and physically. After all, traveling can be stressful! So, please take a seat at your gate, which has been unexpectedly reassigned to the opposite side of the airport. Without the burden of your bag, it shouldn’t be a challenge to sprint to your aircrafts’ new location. You should have a relaxing five seconds to sit back and slide through the crack of the boarding doors like Indiana Jones.
And speaking of adventurers, we regret to inform you that your luggage does not plan to return. We learned that your luggage had a one-way ticket, so returning was never in its itinerary. Instead of begging for a pathetic reimbursement, celebrate that your luggage has found a much nicer home.
Unfortunately, it appears you did not make it to your gate on time. While you wait for the next flight, which is in six hours, please enjoy scrolling through the Instagram page that your luggage has recently created. There, you can learn, in excruciating detail, that your luggage is enjoying a Swiss chocolate and cheese train tour. It does look quite fun, doesn’t it?
Take a load off and curl up in the only chair available at your gate. The one in between a sweaty guy and an even sweatier guy. Close your eyes and kick your feet back, as one of your seatmates takes off his shoes. As you fall asleep, picture your luggage nestled snugly in its own private room at a five-star hotel.
Again, we thank you for your unwavering loyalty. We hope to see you on a future trip. Perhaps one day to visit your luggage in Zurich?
In the meantime, we’d like to check the carry-on you are desperately clutching, free of charge, as we’re guaranteed to run out of overhead space before you board. Besides, we sense another future adventurer and we know how well your carry-on would fare in Hawaii.

Michael Bay Punches Up Classic Literature

Thu, 12 May 2022 21:01:51 +0000

What’s up, badass dudes and sexy chicks? I’m visionary blockbuster director Michael Bay. You probably know me from directing the Transformers series, or that one Netflix action movie with Ryan Reynolds. No, not that one. No, not that one either.
I’ve got a new movie coming out, called Ambulance. it’s about an ambulance that, uh. Well, I’m still a little hazy on the plot, but it drives real fast and a lot of things blow up. To celebrate the almost guaranteed billion-dollar box office, I figured I’d devote some of my creative genius to helping the people who really need it: history’s greatest authors.
Moby-Dick, by Herman Melville
First of all, love the title. Hilarious. Not everyone can do comedy, but Herman, you got the gift, man. Secondly, there’s some great bones in this idea. Crazy guy versus a big ass sea monster? Awesome. I dunno how I feel about it being a white whale, though. How about a giant shark? Or, better yet, some kind of alien robot that shoots lasers out of its eyes. Now we’re getting somewhere.
Crime and Punishment, by Fyodor Dostoevsky
This one needs some work. I loved the bit where Raskolnikov kills the old lady. That was epic. But all this moping around afterwards? Jeez, it’s a little grim. Lean into what works. Maybe the old lady was part of an international old lady drug cartel. Then Raskolnikov has to travel all around Eastern Europe, killing old lady after old lady with his trusty battle axe. Let the punishment fit the crime!
Frankenstein, by Mary Shelley
You ever seen the movie I, Frankenstein? Awesome sci-fi flick, where Aaron Eckhart plays a badass Frankenstein who has to protect the world from evil demons. You ask me, they nailed it right there. Better luck next time, Shells.
Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger
A lot of people say the protagonist’s too whiney, but if you ask me, there’s no such thing. My number one note to Shia LaBeouf on the set of Transformers: Dark of the Moon was “Make it whinier!” I’ll tell you what, though. That scene with the sex worker could be a lot hotter. Nothing crazy! Keep it PG-13. But hey, no reason she can’t be leaning over a hotrod in an oiled up bikini. And while we’re at it, let’s make the dead brother a dead ex-girlfriend. Then we can get some great flashback scenes of her splashing around in the water with those ducks. Awesome.
Ulysses, by James Joyce
Love the way this guy writes! That last part, where the whole thing was just one big-ass run-on sentence with zero punctuation? That’s how I write my scripts! No notes!
Lolita, by Victor Nabokov
I’m worried the main character’s coming across as a bit of a creep. Maybe you should insert a moment where he pulls out a piece of paper and shows the audience that, actually, that type of relationship is totally legal according to a specific state bylaw. You know, like that scene in Transformers: Age of Extinction.
The Art of War, by Sun-Tzu
I’m a huge fan of the “Attacks with Fire” part! There’s definitely room for some product placement, though. See if you can work in a chapter where you encourage the reader to make their soldiers drink Yakult.
One Hundred Years of Solitude, by Gabriel García Márquez
This book was the most heartbreaking, inspiring, and thought-provoking work of art I have ever had the honour and privilege to behold. I’m not ashamed to admit I wept openly while reading this. This is so far beyond mere fiction. Márquez has found ways to capture unspoken truths of the human experience and present them in words that flow like beautiful music.
Add in some tits and explosions, and we’re good to go!

Senator Susan Collins Reacts to Other Sidewalk Chalk Art

Wed, 11 May 2022 17:39:25 +0000

Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME) called the local police department in response to a pro-choice chalk message outside her home in Bangor, Maine on Saturday. The Bangor Daily News reported the incident Monday without naming who called the police. A copy of the police report shared with Mother Jones confirms the complainant was Collins.
The note outside the senator’s home was not menacing, but polite, and written in multiple colors of chalk: “Susie, please, Mainers want WHPA —–> vote yes, clean up your mess,” it said.
Mother Jones 5/10/22/
Firstly, thank you for groveling, but what’s with the exclamation point? Why are you yelling at me? I don’t appreciate looking out into my empty, perfect, totally unbothered lawn and catching sight of this aggression etched delicately into the sidewalk with non-toxic Crayola chalk. Never in my life has someone been so loud while being so quiet. Frankly, my eyes are ringing from all that exclaiming, and it’s clear that I am in danger. Or, if not in danger, then I am slightly irked, which for me is actually the same thing.
I don’t like the implications of this one at all.
A disturbing list of demands, and my record clearly shows that I am a fierce opponent of all of them.
I do not care for the look of this guy. What’s all the smirking about? Smells like trouble – and loitering in front of my property on top of that? I don’t think so. I want him erased. Or better yet, behind bars.
The neighborhood kids are again taunting me with their hopscotch. I don’t want to do the hopscotch – I shouldn’t feel bad about that! Do you see how far they put the 2 from the 1? How the hell am I supposed to make that leap? Those delinquents made it deliberately impossible – they’re trying to make a fool out of me. My ankle is twisting just thinking about hopping and scotching in these goddamn Mary Janes.
Is this the same Joshua that got a birthday shout out during the State of the Union? Did that same kid have his party in my neighborhood? First the senate chamber, now my home – I just can’t seem to shake this kid. Surely this constitutes stalking, which leaves me no choice but to get the authorities involved. There is no excuse for harassing a sitting U.S. Senator at their place of residence, even if you’re turning double digits. (Edit: A member of my staff has just informed me that he actually turned 14. Great news. Now maybe we can try him as an adult.)
It’s a trap. I can feel it in my bones. I won’t be engaging in it, and I also won’t be voting to pass any legislation enshrining a woman’s right to a safe and accessible abortion, just to put that out there as well.
I do not want to socialize with my neighbors. Some of them are new money. Most of them don’t like me. They have children and dogs.
Really? The entire lyrics to “Imagine?” A bit overdone at this point, guys. I’d say its message is ineffective and that it has overstayed its welcome in our society, but then again, that’s the Susan Collins special, baby!
When I saw this depiction of the female body, I knew I had to act. Which is why I will be working tirelessly with the neighborhood committee to gain full control over our own sidewalks. You can’t force us to keep art we don’t want – oh – okay, yeah, I hear it now.
Illustrations by McKayley Gourley

Relax Ladies - I’m Totally Ready to be an Unintended Dad

Tue, 10 May 2022 21:09:30 +0000

A bunch of girls freaked out last week when news leaked that the US Supreme Court has likely voted to overturn Roe v. Wade. Then they interrupted me watching the NBA playoffs to tell me that men should care about this issue too because it is a matter of human rights, and it also affects us. And to that I say, relax ladies – I do care! If it happens, I’m totally ready to be an unintended dad. Now move that uterus out of the way of the TV.
I don’t see what the big deal here is. As a straight, white, cis-gender man, I’ve gotten into my share of “questionable” situations that I didn’t really think through, and let me tell you – I know it will work out just fine for me! Sure I might be called a knucklehead, but our society accepts that “boys will be boys” with little to no accountability. All we have to do is make a half-hearted apology and/or cry about being accused of something, and then wait to be awarded a Grammy for Best Comedy Album or appointed as the 114th Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court.
I don’t see why this whole Roe thing really changes anything. Don’t worry, I’m ready to largely decide how much, if at all, I participate in raising and financially supporting any children that may result from my actions. I am more than ready to be the “fun” parent and to do less than half of the parenting work, on average. I may not intend to get someone pregnant, but I am more than ready to accept the responsibility that has always come with being a white man in this country.
I’m also ready to not have to be the one to go through the physiological and psychological experience of being pregnant and giving birth. But if I were forced to get a vasectomy – or to even voluntarily take a daily birth control pill – to prevent causing an unintended pregnancy, I would no doubt react with the chillaxed acceptance that us men have historically had about anything remotely unwelcome or potentially painful happening to or near our genitals.
Sure, “good guys” might care about this because they would actually take responsibility when faced with an unintended pregnancy, or might have partners who need abortions for other reasons, or are not total sociopaths devoid of compassion, empathy, and knowledge that reproductive freedom is a necessity just because they themselves can’t get pregnant. But I’m not one of those nerds who gets all caught up trying to understand irrelevant things like human rights or the female orgasm .
Now don’t fret ladies, I’ll still be here for you, to help you realize that you just need to calm down about all this. I’ve got your back – I’m totally down to babysit if I accidentally knock you up. Unless it’s like the playoffs, or the weekend. Like my ex-girlfriend once told me, behind every woman about to lose her bodily autonomy is a man who doesn’t get it, telling her she is overreacting.

Things That Are Easier to Get Than an Abortion in America

Thu, 05 May 2022 20:35:47 +0000

Ripe avocados
A DMV appointment
An apartment in NYC
A glimpse of Susan Collins’ spine
Skinny jeans that fit after 40
A publishing contract
Therapy covered by health insurance
Health insurance
Paid maternity leave
Affordable child care
A man to admit he has benefited from legal abortion
On Roy Moore’s high horse
As emotional as Brett Kavanaugh at a confirmation hearing
Cell reception upstate
A doctor’s appointment that counts towards deductible
A deductible that’s less than six months’ rent
Republicans to believe in climate change
Into Marilyn Monroe’s dress by losing 16 pounds in three weeks
WAP if you’re Ben Shapiro’s wife
Fitted sheets to fold properly
A woman elected president

Voicemails From My Kombucha Mother (SCOBY) Who I’ve Neglected In The Back Of The Fridge

Thu, 05 May 2022 20:16:20 +0000

October 9th, 2021
9:13am
Helloooo. Is anyone home? It’s your mother. Your Kombucha mother. Remember me? I am the SCOBY who raised your gut flora into what they are today. I’m calling from the back left corner of your fridge, where you’ve neglected me for the past three months. I’m calling to see if you’re free today. How about you get your tired mother a nice tall jug of sweet tea so she can ferment it into a probiotic digestive beverage? For old times sake.
October 18th, 2021
1:58pm
Hi, me again. I still haven’t heard back from you. Need I remind you, young lady, of how you’ve treated your poor mother? You were so excited to make your own Kombucha. You did it for five weeks until you abruptly quit. This is so like you. First it was ballet, then saxophone lessons, then your MFA program. And now, this?! You abandoned me in this plastic Tupperware. You don’t even have the decency to put your mother in a glass container?!
November 1st, 2021
2:14pm
Hi honey, you know who I just ran into back here in the fridge? Miso paste. Remember him? You used to make such good Miso soup. You should get him out of here from time to time. While you’re at it, you can use me, too. Just saying. Couldn’t hurt. Love you.
November 15th, 2021
9:46am
I’m not sure why you’re ignoring me. You and I used to have such a good mother/daughter relationship. You fed me Oolong tea with plenty of sugar, and handled me with care as you slipped me gently into that 5 gallon Mason jar. Oooh I liked that Mason. So strong. I miss Mason. I miss you.
December 5th, 2021
1:02pm
Honey, me again. It’s pretty smelly back here in your fridge. And it’s not just because I’m a single-celled organism that smells of vinegar. You’ve also got some moldy Cheddar and far too many home-made salad dressings. You should clean out your fridge, young lady. And put a box of baking soda back here.
December 5th, 2021
1:04pm
I want to apologize for that last message. I know you’re 38 years old and don’t need your disc-shaped symbiotic yeast of a mother telling you to clean your fridge.
January 20th, 2022
9:02pm
Do you realize how much I’ve sacrificed for you? I used to be such a svelte organism back in the day. But then I birthed 18 baby scobies to satisfy your need for more and more Kombucha. And now look at me. I’m so thick I resemble a small beached-whale! It’s not easy being a single-celled mom, believe you me.
February 14th, 2022
11:15am
Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetie! Not so happy for your dear mother, though. I’m still all alone. Why don’t we have some good old-fashioned mother-daughter tea time, huh? Wait, are you-? Is that a GT Dave’s Kombucha I just heard you pop open!? How dare you! GT Dave’s got nothing on me. $3.99/bottle!? That’s probiotic highway robbery! I, on the other hand, am priceless. Literally. You picked me up for free from that guy Sven on your BuyNothing Group.
March 30th, 2022
2:03am
Why am I calling in the middle of the night? Maybe it’s because I’m drunk. Because the meager amount of Kombucha that’s still left in this Tupperware has fermented into alcohol! You did thiiisss to mee. Oh. I know what you’re gonna say. You’re gonna say that I have no “boundaries.” Well, of course I have no boundarrrieeies. I’m part of your microbiome!
April 2nd, 2022
9:15am
I’m sorry I called you drunk. Things are not going well in here. I’m so gassy that this Tupperware has poofed up considerably.
May 8th, 2022
5:13pm
You don’t even have the decency to take me out for Mother’s Day?! I’m not gonna be around forever you know. One day I will get old and moldy. And you know what they say: “If you don’t appreciate your mother now, you will regret it when you find her in the back of the fridge with a green fuzzy substance all over her cellulose skin.”

Excerpts from A Book About A Star Wars Jazz Musician Which Sound Way More Perverted Than They Are (Because George Lucas Named Jazz “Jizz”)

Wed, 04 May 2022 16:57:50 +0000

“[In the Star Wars universe,] Jizz was an upbeat, swinging genre of music, most notably performed by [.] the Max Rebo Band [which included Droopy McCool].”
“If you’ve ever found yourself nodding your head or tapping your foot to the playful sound of jizz, you have one musician to thank: Droopy McCool. With a name like that, many say it was his destiny to become the greatest jizz musician of all time.”
“Before McCool burst onto the scene, not everyone enjoyed the changing melodies, harmonies, and time signatures of jizz — it was an acquired taste.”
“McCool was almost singularly responsible for jizz’s explosion in popularity. Under his influence, jizz had gone mainstream. Even members of the Empire were rumored to have privately indulged in jizz.”
“One of McCool’s earliest memories was of walking by a cantina with his father, hearing it for the first time. He never forgot his father’s response when he asked him what type of music was being played, ‘Jizz, son. That music is jizz.’ That first taste fueled an insatiable appetite for jizz. He devoured all of the jizz he could get his hands on, listening to it all day long.”
“When he first tried his hand at jizz he discovered it came naturally to him. He had an ear for jizz.”
“McCool knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life creating jizz.”
“He was determined to produce something new, not the same, tired old jizz of his father’s generation.”
“Many musicians struggle to create jizz, not successfully doing so until their late 20s or early 30s. Not McCool. He was creating jizz by the tender age of 9. And not just any jizz. He was producing elaborate jizz that musicians five times his age would have been proud to call their own.”
“No one could have anticipated the splash McCool would create with his jizz.”
“Having never heard anything quite like it before, crowds loved McCool’s unique brand of jizz. Throngs of new fans lined up in the hopes of seeing a live jizz show, many of whom would have previously turned their noses up at the mere mention of jizz.”
“Those who saw McCool perform say that he wasn’t merely playing jizz, he became jizz.”
“He lived and breathed jizz.”
“Most jizz players could only entertain an audience for a few sets, but McCool had the stamina to create an endless stream of jizz for hours on end. Fans would stay long into the night, their attention rapt, letting the smooth, warm, off-beat tempo of jizz wash over them; basking in it until the sun came up.”
“He simultaneously embodied jizz and redefined it.”
“McCool wanted as many listeners as possible to be touched by his jizz.”
“None could match his artistic output. He single-handedly created more jizz than anyone else at the time. Even jizz historians are overwhelmed with the task of trying to sift through McCool’s contributions and collate them into a single volume.”
“McCool’s popularity gained him fans and critics. Some purists disliked the genre’s newfound traction and accused McCool of bringing a watered down jizz to the masses.”
“There were few who were untouched by McCool’s portfolio of work. He rubbed off on and inspired the next generation of jizz lovers.”
“He left an indelible mark on the world through his jizz.”
“Although McCool is no longer with us, there are certain cantinas you can visit where you will see the walls plastered with memorabilia of his jizz and, if you listen carefully, you can still hear the echoes of his jizz.”

Leaking Our Decision To Overturn Roe v. Wade Violates The Supreme Court’s Privacy And Government Bodily Autonomy

Wed, 04 May 2022 16:01:29 +0000

Senator Josh Hawley (R-Mo.): “The left continues its assault on the Supreme Court with an unprecedented breach of confidentiality, clearly meant to intimidate. The Justices mustn’t give in to this attempt to corrupt the process. Stay strong.”
Chief Justice John Roberts: “This was a singular and egregious breach of that trust that is an affront to the Court and the community of public servants who work here. I have directed the Marshal of the Court to launch an investigation into the source of the leak”
SCOTUS Blog: “It’s impossible to overstate the earthquake this will cause inside the Court, in terms of the destruction of trust among the Justices and staff. This leak is the gravest, most unforgivable sin.”
Us Supreme Court Justices – with our staggering unchecked power guaranteed for a lifetime – should not have to fear Leftist leaks of our unfinished-yet-also-very-set-in-stone decision to strip away half the US population’s rights. This is unconscionable! It’s like Christmas came early but we’ve only got a half-baked ham and none of the presents are wrapped.To be clear, it’s still very much Christmas for us, but the razzle dazzle of the presentation is like the best part.
We wanted to release our ruling on our own terms. We have been denied that choice. How would you like it if your Twitter drafts were posted before you had finished tinkering with them? Your risky texts shot off before being peer reviewed by the girlies? An email replied to before you counted the exclamation points? This is the exact same thing with the exact same stakes. Have some humanity. We don’t owe anyone access to the internal processes of our government body.
The Court should be able to strike down with impunity whatever human rights safeguards it pleases without worrying whether someone’s gonna like, say something, you know? The Supreme Court is meant to be a sacred sanctity of secrets. Now we’re no safer than an unreleased Harry Styles album. Once the leaks start it’s impossible to say when they will stop. It’s like breaking the seal on American democracy. Who’s to say what could be leaked next? The draft of our decision to rollback LQBTQ rights? Our obvious next step of removing access to contraceptives? Our spouses’ text messages with the President’s Chief of Staff? The list of potential leaks is endless. And if we’re not safe in our own home from leakers intimidating us with our own words, then where are we safe? Soon we’ll have to write our devastating little briefs from back alleys to avoid public scrutiny.
This coordinated assault by the Left to shed just an ounce of light on the inner workings of arguably the most powerful branch of government will not deter us. We are 5 Justices united in sending our country back to the Dark Ages, and are frankly a bit hurt by the blindside. We had a big celebration with fireworks planned for the ruling in June. We’re as sad as all those dads when they see pink at a gender reveal party.
Not to mention that this was a huge decision for us, and one we’ve been dying to make for a long, long time. Aren’t we just as deserving of the privacy that everyone keeps clamoring about? It’s so hard to rebuild a sense of security after a breach of trust like this – our privacy was just violated in the most despicable, unforgivable, unconstitutional way, and we’re supposed to just carry on as if nothing happened? Who’s protecting the rights of the most vulnerable in our society? That’s right, these long robes are very hard to move around in, making us very vulnerable to being attacked, or, even worse, being dragged into hard conversations that we don’t want to have, but did, in fact, start. Who’s looking out for us?
Now people are all mad, and frankly that’s really annoying. It’s like we can’t go one god damn day without the harrumphs, the tsks, and the all-out vitriol. People are such buzzkills when they’re tipped off to their impending doom. It’s so much easier when they’re the ones we’re catching off guard. But don’t...

Seat Guru for Kids

Tue, 03 May 2022 22:20:38 +0000

It’s time to return to school buses and the Seat Guru for Kids app can help.
Overview
The 28 Blue Bird School Buses in the Suffolk County fleet are diesel air brake DT2200s built in 1998 designed for short rides.
Featured user comments
Submitted by Charles on 2021/12/05 for Row 22
Terrible. This is a noisy seat. It’s on top of the back wheel and Carla DiFazzio’s never stops yapping. And she smells funny.
Submitted by Simon on 2021/12/11 for Row 8
I like this seat–plush, wide and plenty of room for my clarinet. I have a wide frame and need plush seats.
Submitted by C.Y. on 2021/12/14 for Row 20
Very bumpy. Hard to eat food. I read other reviews and this seems to be a problem.
Submitted by Aylie on 2021/12/17 for Row 2
None of the seats are that great but it helps if you take 20 grams of Ritalin every third day.
Submitted by Cayle on 2021/12/20 for Row 22
Ever since the spy cameras were put in Shari thinks this bus is her own reality show. I told her the camera adds 10 lbs.
Submitted by Ricky on 2021/01/06 for Row 17
I can’t get any homework done on any of the seats in the back part of the bus because it’s too shaky. Can’t write. Can’t even eat my orange.
Submitted by Kyle on 2021/01/07 for Row 14
I might go back to riding my bike to school when it warms up.
Submitted by Alfa Yau on 2021/01/08 for Row 13
Excellent seat. Perfect view of Jessica Porter who is going to marry me someday. Jessica, if you see this, I didn’t write this. Someone else used my name. (See you in Science)
Submitted by Carlo on 2021/01/13 for Row 23
Second to last row. Awful location. Sit here with great caution and fear. Jake Connelly always sits against the back window to harass other drivers. He is a criminal. If anyone on this bus gets strangled he’s the first person who should be questioned. Why should he get to always sit next to the back exit door? Life is so unfair.
Submitted by T.J. on 2021/01/15 for Row 6
Lucky row 6. One time found a banana there.
Submitted by Wayne A. on 2021/01/16 for Row 14
This seat is two rows behind Jessica Porter. She is hot. I’ll tell you what is not so hot. Row 14. This row has a draft so sit in the aisle and not near the window.
Submitted by Jim Yarosh on 2021/01/18 for Row 3
There is something wrong with the heater in this row. It blows like a hundred zillion times harder than any other. I’ll only sit here if I didn’t have time to blow-dry my hair. WARNING: Too far to see Jessica Porter.
Submitted by Rob on 2021/01/23 for Row 9
My Mom insists I sit in Row 9 every time so she knows if I’m on the bus if she drives past on her way to work. Chris asked if I feel smothered.
Submitted by Mina O. on 2021/02/03 for Row 7
IMO it is the freakiest seat on the bus. a VERY busy area. People seem to think that my personal leg-room in front of me is a walkway to the another dimension. This row, like all others on this bus, ends with a window. How about some personal space?
Submitted by Cyndi on 2021/02/06 for Row 17
I counted 48 pieces of gum on the back of the seat.
Submitted by Chad on 2021/02/07 for Row 5
I love bouncing up and down on this seat. I get most of my daily exercise during these bus rides. Once I threw up.
Submitted by Timm on 2021/02/09 for Row 3
When I complained about Rob picking on me to Rosie she told me to find an alternative seat. I decided to deal with Rob. Now I sit next to him every trip. He has had a hard life.
Submitted by Allison Haight on 2021/02/09 for Row 18
Row 18 is full of ancient graffiti. Fascinating reading and you can really learn a lot about the old days. They were very politically active. There is a “Foreigner Rules” scribbled on the seat. I spotted an anti-France message, “Bon Jovi Sucks.” And on the top left corner it says, “DEF LEPPARD,” written by some animal activist.
Submitted by Michael E. on 2021/02/13 for Row 11
Window seat on right side is a pretty sweet. I get great sleep and the high seat allows me to stay there long after the bus has left the school.
Submitted by Gilliam on 2021/...

So, You’re a Scarecrow Looking to Change Professions

Tue, 03 May 2022 22:04:16 +0000

Look, I get it; you took a job in your early 20s because the pay was decent and your options were limited. The hours were long, and the start was a bit early, but at least you’d get to spend plenty of time outside. Fast forward to today: you’ve spent 15 years as the scarecrow for a mid-size, family-owned wheat ranch, and you’re ready for a career change.
The question is: how?
Whether you’ve been at your job for 15 years or 15 minutes, a drastic career change takes time to execute; and that’s perfectly fine, because you don’t have many hobbies or responsibilities, on account of being a scarecrow.
There’s no need to stress. Be sure to take your time in examining what actually makes you happy; the changing of the seasons, agricultural science, supporting small businesses. Be sure to highlight both what you do well (scaring crows) and the factors where you need improvement (not falling over when it’s windy). Those ideas are crucial to finding a new field (no pun intended).
You’ve figured out what role to pursue and are ready to chase it – that’s great! What’s the first step? Or, in your case, the first “stand completely still”?
Well, after 15 years of stagnant vigilance in that wheat field, your work ensemble is probably a bit tattered. First, I would try to sew up some of the holes in your plaid shirt. Next, be sure to trim the dead pieces of hay that stick out from under your hat. Finally, try not to draw attention to the fact that your lower half is a big metal rod sticking out of the ground. Unfortunately, for many places of employment, that last one is a deal breaker.
You know what you want, you look the part, and you’re ready to hit the ground flopping. Now how do you nail the interview?
While you are changing career paths, you don’t need to let your potential employer know this. Don’t give them any reason not to take you seriously as a candidate – except for, you know, not having any internal organs or the ability to speak or move even a tiny bit. You are ready for this, you are prepared, and you deserve the same shot as anyone else. Unless of course those candidates can do the things listed above.
So, there you have it: an iron-clad trajectory for going from “bemired” to “you’re hired”. It may be intimidating, or maybe it won’t be, seeing as you probably aren’t capable of feeling emotion. Still, nothing worth doing comes easy. So far, your life has been defined by your job, but your future is up to you.
Now, go make us proud, you itchy, soulless puppet!

CARTOON: Trophy Wall

Fri, 29 Apr 2022 17:34:02 +0000

Disney Unveils Plot For New “Reedy Creek Improvement District” Princess Movie

Fri, 29 Apr 2022 16:52:21 +0000

“Escalating his culture war with the Walt Disney Co., Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis expanded the special session of the Legislature that started Tuesday to consider eliminating the Reedy Creek Improvement District that independently governs much of Walt Disney World.” – Orlando Sentinel, April 19, 2022.
Our story begins with a princess who lives in a faraway land ruled by a benevolent corporation. This princess, Creekerella, is beautiful, kind, and serves on the Board of Supervisors in her kingdom: The Reedy Creek Improvement District.
Everything is perfect for Creekerella. She sings acapella in the streets of Magic Kingdom during the day, and dances with lions in Animal Kingdom at night. There are no tedious government building codes in the district, so Creekerella literally lives inside the Epcot ball ride, Spaceship Earth.
The kingdom has its own jolly municipal employees who help with whatever Creekerella needs from putting out fires to filling potholes to brushing her luscious, long blond hair.
Everything runs smoothly in The Reedy Creek Improvement District and absolutely nothing needs to change. But then one day, an evil Fairy King appears. Fairy King DeSantis is jealous of Creekerella’s undeniable wokeness.
You see Creekerella recently stood behind a group of marginalized people who Fairy King DeSantis was trying to smite. Officially, Creekerella, The Reedy Creek Improvement District, and the Walt Disney Co always support marginalized people. Sometimes they just take a little time to assess the financial and political fallback, as is good business.
Anyway, this stand infuriated Fairy King DeSantis, who fears the woke attitude of the princess is poisoning the minds of children everywhere. So he lashes out, and puts a curse on an emergency legislative session to DESTROY The Reedy Creek Improvement District.
Without her tax haven kingdom, Creekerella would crumble under the sheer weight of the fees. Her beloved municipal employees would disappear, and her land would be invaded by the most insidious types of creatures: random government employees who don’t work for Disney.
Princess Creekerella starts growing more anxious by the day. She loses her incredible singing voice, her blond hair turns gray, and she starts to wilt away.
The only way to save Creekerella is by defeating the evil Fairy King DeSantis. But will enough concerned citizens call their representatives to put a stop to the bill? Or will they sit back and let Creekerella and her kingdom collapse?
Find out when Creekerella: The Rise and Fall (?) of A Beloved Kingdom premieres on Disney+ next month.

AGE DISCRIMINATION COMPLAINT: HANSON V. “THE GUYS”

Thu, 28 Apr 2022 21:11:07 +0000

HANSON V. “THE GUYS”
UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF NEW YORK
DAVE HANSON,
Plaintiff,
AGE DISCRIMINATION COMPLAINT
-against-
“THE GUYS”
Defendant
Plaintiff Dave Hanson, by his attorney, Nicholas T. Hedges, for his Complaint alleges as follows:
Nature of the Action
This is an action seeking behavior modification and redress for damages from relentless and cumulative incidents of age discrimination. Plaintiff alleges James “Jimmy” Decker, 37; Mike “Groggy” Boulheim 35; and Geoff “Zippo” Rinaldi, 38 (“The Guys”), have treated Plaintiff differently since his 40th birthday, regarding his opinions and cultural references as “outdated and irrelevant.” Plaintiff claims age discrimination continues despite fact that his appearance and dress are youthful, his hair is bountiful, and he exhibits a continued partiality to cultural influences favored by adults in their 20’s and early 30’s, including “Impractical Jokers,” “Jackass,” and UrbanDictionary.com. Plaintiff also notes that since above mentioned 40th birthday, The Guys have unfairly treated Plaintiff’s presence as detrimental in places where The Guys are attempting to meet women, despite fact that Plaintiff still has as much “game” as Defendants with the exception of Boulheim.
Plaintiff and The Guys have enjoyed a longstanding friendship that included a celebration of Plaintiff’s 40thbirthday on November 8, 2020. During celebration of said birthday, Plaintiff endured many age-related comments including remarks based on presumption of his diminished virility, as well as numerous “reverse mortgage,” “Prevagen,” and “mobility scooter” references and inquiries as to whether he’ll now spend his spare time volunteering to massage preemies. Plaintiff assumed this was “due course” and tolerated treatment with stiff upper lip.
On November 19, 2020, Plaintiff notices that while Rinaldi continues to habitually address other members of The Guys as “Dude,” “Bro,” “Jackwad,” or “Yo Douche,” he has ceased addressing Plaintiff as “Dude,” “Bro,” “Jackwad,” or “Yo Douche” despite a long history of doing so.
Plaintiff learned when The Guys gathered at Defendant Decker’s apartment on December 9, 2020 that Defendant Rinaldi had texted Defendants Boulheim and Decker audio of a bootleg Weezer concert but did not include Plaintiff on the text, even though Plaintiff had previously attended Weezer concerts with The Guys and in fact it was Plaintiff who first brought Weezer to the attention of The Guys in 2011 or thereabouts.
On January 11, 2021, Plaintiff learned that a Friday night “Call Of Duty” marathon had not included him, even though Plaintiff is on an equal skill level with all Defendants except perhaps Decker. Defendants claimed under subsequent questioning that the game was “impromptu” and that at 10:35PM it had been “too late” to call Plaintiff so they instead called Boulheim’s younger brother Freddy; Plaintiff recalls receiving calls well after midnight in the years leading up to his 40th birthday.
On February 2, 2021, at a gathering of The Guys, Defendant Decker made a joke about “sexting” and looked for laughs from Defendants Rinaldi, Boulheim, and Boulheim’s younger brother Freddy, but did not make eye contact with Plaintiff. During a subsequent dinner at Defendant Rinaldi’s home, Rinaldi did not offer Plaintiff a taste of his “Famous Five-Alarm Chili,” despite the fact that Plaintiff can eat chili peppers just as hot as the other Defendants, and while doing so he never “cries like a little bitch” in the manner of Defendant Decker and Boulheim’s younger brother Freddy.
WHEREFORE, Plaintiff respectfully requests that this Court enter judgment on his claims for relief
a) Plaintiff requests that he be reinstated to his former status as a “contemporary” and be included in all activities wherein The Guys exude “exuberance” and “youthful defiance,” such as “beer bong testing,” scamming car dealers to get test-drives in Maserati’s, and “ditching work” to attend unspecified day gam...

We’re The Restaurant Underneath The Eiffel Tower And People Have Traveled From All Over The World To Eat Our Food!

Thu, 28 Apr 2022 20:17:35 +0000

Bonjour! Welcome to our restaurant situated right below the Eiffel Tower in Paris, France.
Believe it or not people from all around the world have traveled far and wide just to eat at our restaurant. It’s true!
Every day of the week and every week of the year, visitors line up to take pictures of our restaurant and the surrounding structures. Families, couples, tour groups, you name it! Oftentimes, our waitstaff is given the special privilege of taking these photographs. We don’t mind! We’re just glad so many people enjoy our food!
Just the other day a couple visited all the way from Alaska! After their meal, the boyfriend even marked the special occasion by proposing to her in an area slightly adjacent to the front of our restaurant! She said yes!
Yesterday, we had a group of architectural historians visiting from Beijing. They spent the whole day with us, eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner while they admired a nearby tower. They raved about our restaurant, saying it was “conveniently located” and “open all day.”
We even have a few traditions around here! Patrons who enjoy their meal climb up the tower, position themselves over our roof, and spit on it as a sign of appreciation from above. So if you join us for dinner and think you hear a cool rain rolling in on a beautiful Parisian night, think again!
The original tradition was to throw lit cigarettes but we compromised and settled on a safer alternative that was born out of the necessity to put a fire out!
Another tradition people celebrate is using our restrooms all the time. We used to provide codes to the restrooms on every receipt to limit the number of occupants but ever since people started flocking to our facilities in particular, we had to remove it! They simply can’t get enough!
You might also notice the influx of visitors at night when we, along with another larger building, turn on our famous twinkling exterior lights. We attribute the extra traffic at night to our fantastic light display but we know the truth: People love our coq au vin!
One man became so fraught with the gastronomic ecstasy we provide, he scaled the side of the Eiffel Tower directly above us without a harness! The stunt required the local fire department and a large police presence immediately. What can we say, they’re crazy about us!
Following our culinary success, we’ve been featured as the backdrop in several movies. Look out for us next time you watch 2009’s G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. We’re the building with the green awning right underneath the smoldering Eiffel Tower!
And if you find yourself digging through early video archives, inventor Franz Reichelt’s failed parachute test of 1912 that claimed his life occurred right where our front door is located! We honor his memory with the menu item Ortolan Bunting de Franz!
You’ll notice the Champ de Mars in front of us hosts hordes of people asleep on public benches, full from their meals. Some will walk it off along the famous tree-lined pathways while others find that driving fast in a moped gets the food down quicker. No matter how they digest, we’re happy to serve them!
In fact, our patronage goes far beyond there. The city of Paris as a whole has become one of the world’s top travel destinations with over 30 million visitors a year! Forgive us, but we can’t help but think we might’ve had a little bit to do with that!
It’s no wonder we’re prominently located at the bottom next to a row of trees behind a light pole on every postcard, souvenir mug, and default screensaver. Some say they even tried to include us in early drafts of Paris’s Olympic logo as a nondescript, gray rectangle below the abstract tower due to popular demand!
Visitors who have trouble communicating with us agree that the tower is a helpful landmark for finding our eatery, assuming it was built for that purpose. Rumor has it, the plan for building the tower was actually a long-term marketing ploy for the restaurant that would eventually settle below it 124 years late...

Hi, I’m Joe Pesci and I’ll Be Your Dental Hygienist Today

Wed, 27 Apr 2022 21:38:59 +0000

Hi, thanks for being on time for your appointment. My last patient, he wasn’t so punctual, and trust me, that won’t happen again.
Say, are any of those yutes out in the lobby yours? What’s that? I said “yutes.” Oh, excuse me: YOUTHS. And that one there is your son. Fantastic, he’s a great-looking kid.
Please have a seat here. Now just lean back and open wide, and I’ll take a look
Looks like we’ve got a problem right away. You didn’t brush your teeth before you came in today, did ya? Being foul-mouthed is a bad fucking start, I don’t mind saying.
Seeing these gums, I gotta ask, how many times a week do you floss? Notice I didn’t ask how many times a day, because people who floss daily don’t jump and bleed as they get their teeth cleaned. So, I repeat myself, how many times? Go ahead, take your time answering while I grab a different scaler. Pick the right words, go have lunch, then get back to me.
Here, let me help by taking my hands out of your mouth.
So you’re saying you floss “when you can,” and you brush every day? You must think that’s enough for good dental hygiene, am I right? Well, I guess the laws of dentistry cease to exist in your fucking mouth. Is this magic toothpaste you’re using? Do you buy it from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans? Jesus Christ.
Okay, now take a breath and relax, because Dr. Cynthia, the owner of this practice, is coming to check in with us. So let’s make nice and hear what she has to say.
Why, hello, Doctor! Yes, this is our new patient. By all means, please take a look. Yes, those teeth are in pretty good shape, I agree. That’s very encouraging news, thank you, Doctor. Terrific, goodbye, see ya soon.
Okay, she’s gone. And everything that lady just said is bullshit. Your teeth are not “pretty good”! They’re about to fall out of your fucking head. Now I got a suggestion. This wall here is made of bricks, right? So think of your teeth as bricks for your mouth. If a brick’s shoddy or you hit it at the wrong angle, it crumbles. So picture yourself in a month, when you bite down on a Jolly Rancher and you hear your tooth crack. Not good, am I right? So take care of ’em.
Jolly Ranchers are trash fucking candy, by the way, best to avoid them. And pickles, don’t get me started. They soak in vinegar, and vinegar has acid that eats away at your enamel. Jolly Ranchers and pickles are why you have to keep your bricks protected with quality fucking mortar. And by that, I mean good dental hygiene.
Why are you smiling? You think I’m funny? You mean I’m funny like an orthodontist? I amuse you? How am I funny?
Ya motherfucker! I almost had you. I’m just breaking your balls. Jeez, look at you sweating into the chair. Look, I’ll even put the scaler down. See? You’re safe. We’re done here anyway. Your teeth aren’t the worst I’ve seen, but start flossing already. Oh, and get a Water Pik. Now get outta here.
Hang on. STOP.
See that toy chest there?
Grab a goodie bag from it for your yute. Ooh, a purple bag, that’s a good one. Okay, we’ll see ya next time. And remember: No fucking pickles.

More Musk For Your Buck! Elon Musk's Planned Twitter Changes...

Tue, 26 Apr 2022 19:21:16 +0000

New exciting feature that allows users to tweet from the far reaches of space.
Improved low Twitter membership rate of only $599.99 per month (payments via crypto currency accepted, naturally).
Twitter is now the exclusive domain for Fight Club type video feeds wherein people who haven’t been able to make their Tesla payments fight to the death for your entertainment.
A special audio notification for all Twitter Platinum members, which goes off only in the event that my army of cyborg assassins is unleashed upon the unwashed masses, and allows you plenty of time to get settled into your spacious and luxurious underground bunker.
Not a genius billionaire? Not a problem! You can join Twitter, Jr, where you can play Candy Crush and post photos of cute animals to your heart’s content!
And speaking of Twitter, Jr, another deluxe feature is the series of informative tweets explaining the ins and outs of cyborg assassins, and why these friendly creatures should be allowed into your home, school or office without any fear or resistance.
Just to reassure the skeptical, Twitter will be for everyone! Although people with facial tattoos and the guy who’s always posting old Arby’s tv commercials are on thin ice.
If approached on the street by a poor person, my Twitter sends an immobilizing sonic blast to the two year old iPhone of the person in question, paralyzing them temporarily and also rendering them sterile in the process.
Unlike PayPal, which I invented, Twitter is a genuine passion project, and will be treated as such. I could never really relate to PayPal, having so actual “pals” of my own. Who needs them, I shall soon own the cosmos and all within!!
Also I will create the ability to forever redact posts from the whole of the internet, so that insane, unflattering diatribes like the above can never be seen again.

A Sea Turtle With a Plastic Straw Stuck Up Its Nose Has Some Thoughts on Recycling

Fri, 22 Apr 2022 13:40:28 +0000

It’s been a few Earth Days since that video made the rounds on Facebook. You know the one, where a marine biologist pries a plastic straw out of my nose. Well, guess what? Some NYU kid had another Starbucks frap, and now I’ve got another forest green plastic straw lodged in my nasal cavity. It begins to beg the question: is the ocean just one big blue corporate-issued recycling bin to you?
For too long you’ve been fed false narratives about sea turtles. You’ve got so-called experts saying we’re “thriving.” The media wants to tell you “pollution is down” and that the pandemic has “the beaches emptier than ever.” Pollution may be down, but this plastic straw is very much still up my MFing nose.
And when you’re not dumping your plastic straws into my goddamn living room, you’re playing spin the bottle with the global thermostat. I mean, what’s going on? One day it’s burning up the next day it’s snowing in Texas. I got a buddy down in Laguna Madre that called me up in February and told me it was an ocean full of floaters far as the eye could see. We’re talking 50 degree waters. In turtle talk, that’s basically a death coaster. Now try explaining to those cold-stunned turtles that their biggest threat is a tiger shark. At least tiger sharks don’t choke you out with cling wrap.
Not to mention, the handful of environmental startups that made a big display of rehabilitating the turtles. They’re all about “acts of kindness” when the cameras are rolling – you know, rubbing down those turtles to a livable body temp. I’d love to see some tax returns.
Then, your new Dodo in Chief signed the US back into those Climate Accords. Whoopty-freakin-doo. Tell those baguettes in Paris to come find me when they’ve got an international treaty that’s gonna get this plastic straw outta my nose. The man goes and invites 40 world leaders to a zoom call, and not one of em’s a turtle. I mean, what are we? A trivial anecdote in your National Geographic subscription? Yeah, I know they had my cover story next to the toilet for those long hours after too many Oreo McFlurries. Oh yeah, the milkshakes where the Oreo chunks get stuck in the straw. And that straw? It gets stuck up my cousin Rico’s nose.
If you want me to be honest about my life, and not that watered-down, fluffy bullshit David Attenborough spews, I spend most of my days swimming aimlessly in circles. Sometimes looking for food. Sometimes looking for a good lay. (My wife and I agreed to an open marriage after she couldn’t stop bringing up how her old boyfriend was a leatherback.) Hey, I’ll try anything to numb the endless pain of that plastic tube drilling through my frontal cortex. Sometimes I beach myself for a few hours, just to tease God. Are you laughing, God?
My therapist says it’s all perspective. Says I made it through the perils of crossing the beach after hatching–that’s gotta count for something, dodging all those raccoons, seagulls, and stomping toddlers. Most importantly I just need to be there for the kids, all three thousand and forty-nine of them. At least two hundred have a plastic straw rammed up their nose, too. Statistically speaking, 52% have stomachs lined with more plastic bags than the cabinet under your kitchen sink.
What do I know, right? I’m just a sea turtle, a simple marine reptile. But I will say this: we hate you. We hate your MFing guts. You thought nobody would notice a little leaked oil and some offshore drilling? Well, I’ll teach you something about drilling when I got your head in one flipper and a straw in the other. There will be no one to save you when the sea levels rise. We shall prove our strength in droves when the ice melts and the waves wash over the Earth. We will drive you out of your homes and lay our eggs in them (up to 150 per turtle). We will bury you in your own backyard.
But first: can you please get this plastic straw out of my nose?

This Earth Day, Help Save The Planet By Purchasing Our ‘I Love The Earth’ Synthetic T-Shirt

Thu, 21 Apr 2022 23:02:14 +0000

Hello fashionistas!
It’s Earth Day, which means it’s time for the release of our annual, limited-edition I Love The Earth t-shirt and jeans. We’re thrilled to announce that a percentage of the proceeds will go to some of our favorite environmental causes and organizations. So the more you buy, the more you’ll help heal this planet we call home.
This year, our tie-dye I Love The Earth t-shirt features a smiling earth with a playful wink. You’ll notice that this is very different from last year’s I Love The Earth tie-dye t-shirt, which showed a smiling earth with both eyes closed. Let everyone know you care about sustainability, without getting caught wearing last year’s style!
This t-shirt is made out of our favorite, smooth and shiny polyester. Polyester is the #1 synthetic fabric used in the fashion industry. It’s pretty incredible. Polyester is practically indestructible due to its non-biodegradable nature, so you can wear our t-shirt all summer long, with no noticeable wear and tear.
Our I Love The Earth t-shirt uses tie-dye to pay homage to the 1970s, when Earth Day was first established as a national holiday. Dyeing processes are super interesting! Those spunky, awesome colors don’t just stop at the border of your t-shirt; instead they can turn whole rivers into a colorful celebration of the earth. By wearing our brightly colored clothes, you’re celebrating your commitment to protecting this incredible planet, in all its colorful glory.
And what’s a t-shirt without jeans?! We love our special edition, bootcut denim showcasing the signature, winking earth on the left butt cheek. Let your jeans do the talking when they say: “kiss my ass, pollution!” It takes 10,000 liters of water to grow the cotton required to produce just one pair of jeans. That’s about 10 years worth of drinking water for a single person. That’s how seriously we take our denim.
You won’t want to waste this opportunity to advocate for the environment. Speaking of waste, the U.S. disposes 11.3 million tons of textile waste each year. Fashionistas, that’s about 2,150 pieces of clothing every second. In the time you read that sentence, another 2,150 were thrown away. And another. And another. Make it stop, by buying from our I Love The Earth collection. It’s the only way.
And did you know that some brands destroy their unsold products? We think that’s awful. So please, don’t make us do that. We’ve already manufactured 100,000 of these outfits, and any unsold I Love The Earth clothing items will be destroyed. Let us be very clear about this: if you don’t purchase our t-shirts and jeans, you’re part of the problem.
The fashion industry accounts for approximately 10% of global carbon emissions. This April 22nd, it’s time for us to take a stand. We’ve worked to bring you these special clothing items all the way from China. Our t-shirts and jeans had to travel on a truck, a plane, a boat, and then another truck, all in an effort to make it to your closet. So hop in the car and drive (don’t walk!) to pick up this special ensemble from your local store. We’ve done our part, and now it’s time for you to do yours.
So join us in furthering our commitment to sustainability this Earth Day! Together, we can change the world.
.01%

CARTOON: FloriDUH Math

Wed, 20 Apr 2022 15:25:22 +0000

Coachella Act or TV Sitcom Catchphrase

Tue, 19 Apr 2022 22:39:37 +0000

1. Still Woozy 2. Bang, zoom, to the moon, Alice 3.Kiss My Grits 4. Beabadoobee 5. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia 6. Duck Sauce 7. Yada, yada, yada 8. Bazinga 9. Bad Bad Not Good 10. Black Coffee 11. D’oh 12. Hey, now!
Coachella: 1, 4, 6, 9, 10 TV Sitcom: 2, 3, 5, 7, 8, 11, 12

Post Pandemic Party Planning!

Tue, 19 Apr 2022 21:36:19 +0000

Now it’s perfectly okay to use an empty wine or liquor bottle for a spirited game of spin the bottle, rather than the bottle of hand sanitizer that you’d been using for the past couple of years.
You can go back to inviting more than just a handful of people to your home, rather than just a smattering who must sit across the room from one another. Unless you don’t have more than just a few friends, which is a problem for another article to address.
It’s now okay to double-dip at the queso and guacamole stations again, but probably still best not to get caught.
No further need to trick partying friends into taking the vaccine by convincing them that the needle contains heroin. Now you all can just go back to using heroin exclusively!!
Sure, give the toilets a good scrubbing and sweep the floors, but no longer any need to dress your bathroom as if it’s going to be used as a mob torture / kill site.
Now that things are moving slowly back toward somewhat normal, you can toss your guests’ coats onto your bed, rather than onto your back lawn before setting them all on fire.
If one or more of your guests have too much to drink and need a place to stay, you can safely offer the use of your guest bedroom and /or couch, without having to sell your house quickly the following day.
With any luck, the only body count from your party will be due to having an overabundance of people standing on the balcony of your loft apartment, rather than the end result of a super-spreader event.
These days you prefer that party guests rifle through your medicine cabinets, so that they can all see that you’re bursting with COVID tests.

CARTOON: Bagel Problems

Fri, 15 Apr 2022 18:40:32 +0000

A Letter From the Easter Bunny to the World’s Candymakers, RE Upcoming Changes

Fri, 15 Apr 2022 17:44:47 +0000

Dear Valued Peeps (Marshmallow and Otherwise):
Thank you for your many reminders to place my annual orders for Easter goodies. The fact is, I’m done with all that.
For me, as for most, the past two years have been a time of brutal self-reflection—a time to ask, How do I, a giant, legendary, independently wealthy rabbit, want to spend the rest of my infinite life? The answer, it turns out, is not schlepping baskets.
So to free myself up for other pursuits, I am pivoting.
This Sunday, in lieu of your fine products, each household on my distribution list will receive a special NFT (in France, an N Oeuf T): a one-of-a-kind virtual plastic egg filled with virtual candy.
I believe (no offense) that parents will welcome this change, as it promises to:
eliminate their children’s Easter-morning sugar rush, not to mention their afternoon sugar-crash tantrum.
play a positive role in keeping the kids’ weights at a healthy level.
cut down on chocolate-smeared furniture and dogs vomiting up jelly beans.
Children, I admit, may be disappointed. But over time, I hope they’ll come to enjoy having a unique nest egg they can pass down to theirchildren—a family hareloom, if you will.
Are there other downsides to my NFT rollout? Of course.
First, there’s my deep regret at turning tail on you, my beloved suppliers.
Second: lawsuits from the gaming industry.
While I’m unconcerned by game designers’ claims that they pioneered the virtual Easter egg and therefore own it—I have a crack legal team, headed by the grandson of the guy who defended Santa in Miracle on 34th Street—I do care about your welfare.
Therefore, as a (fungible) token of good will, I’m delighted to present every one of you with 10,000 units of my new cryptocurrency, Eastereum. (Since some of you are Jewish, I also offer Bitecoin—the only crypto that’s candy-coded to smell like chocolate gelt.) Are my cryptos the most magical cryptos ever? Yes. Are they worth less than a Cadbury egg that’s been ground into a minivan’s floor mat? Beyond doubt.
But I trust that you, savvy as you are, will turn them into a hopping enterprise.
Meanwhile, I look forward to further changes of my own.
Now that Easter’s in the hands of my blockchain team, I will scale back my day-to-day involvement. I’ll write my memoirs, build a sweet warren in the hay belt. And, at long last, I will pursue my most cherished dream of all: finding another rabbit big enough to screw.
Best regards,
The Easter Bunny

The Book of Exodus Amended to Include Laxatives

Fri, 15 Apr 2022 17:14:43 +0000

9:1 — Then the Lord said to Moses, “Go to Pharaoh and say to him: Thus says the Lord, Let my people go with a supply of laxatives.” And Moses said, “Why do we need laxatives?” And God said, “Did we not get up to the part where I command you to eat dry unleavened bread?” And Moses turned to the Lord and said, “Say what?”
10:1 — And it came to pass that the Lord hardened the hearts of the Egyptians. And Moses said, “Instead, why don’t you harden their bowels so they will experience how I am going to feel after eating all this unleavened bread?” And the Lord said, “I will consult with my team of angels and I shall get back to you.” And it was night and then it was day and then it was night again and the Lord said, “You may have laxatives for relief.” And the Lord continued, “For the Egyptians, I will throw in some constipation along with the death of the firstborn.”
12:3 — God called unto Moses and said, “Speak ye unto my people, saying: They shall take to them every man a lamb and they shall eat the flesh in the night; roast it with fire.” And Moses said, “Actually, juicy lamb doesn’t sound that bad.” And the Lord laughed and continued, “Burn it to an unrecognizable crisp on the altar and eat it with unleavened bread. And because I’m a merciful God; I also command you to consume natural laxatives in the form of green leafy herbs. But they shall be bitter.”
12:31 — In the middle of the night, Pharaoh called for Moses and said, “Get up and get out. Take all of your flocks and herds as you have asked.” Now Pharaoh was all backed up and so he said, “But you must leave me all your prune juice.”
14:22 — And just as the seas were parting, the fiber worked.
15:23 — They came to Marah, they could not drink the waters for they were bitter. And they were thirsty and dehydrated and they wanted something in which to dissolve the MiraLAX. And Moses said, “Now we’re really screwed.”
16:4 — Behold the Lord said unto Moses, “I will rain manna from the heavens for you.” And the people said, “If manna is anything like unleavened bread, we’ll pass.” And God said, “Have a little faith.” And the people went out and gathered a day’s portion at a time because they were fearful of stomach pangs. And they ate it and it was sweet and they were full and they found it had a nice laxative effect. But alas now, there were no working toilets in the desert.
32:4 — Then they rose up early and put burnt offerings and peace offerings upon the altar and the people sat down to eat and drink and make merry before the Golden Calf. And when the Lord saw this he was angry and he thought: “This might be the time to bring out my vengeful side and throw in some acid reflux.”
Somewhere between 33 and 40:38 — Moses cried unto the Lord saying, “The people are about to stone me; They can see the land of milk and honey from where we’re standing and are tired of having to constantly pop laxatives. Must we wander in this desert for a full forty years? And God said “Yes.” And He continued: “Just be grateful that all this while, you weren’t cursed with salmonella.”

The Last Supper If Jesus Christ Was An Instagram Influencer

Thu, 14 Apr 2022 22:46:03 +0000

Disciples, listen up! There are only two weeks left to get the ambiance for the last supper on point and worthy of the gram.
This is my final chance to gain more than 12 followers before I literally die, so this has to be the dinner party to end all dinner parties. I called this meeting to assign roles and make sure everyone understands attire and grooming standards. Yes, I’m looking at you, Bartholomew. It’s called a razor!
Peter, you’re on sponsored product placement duty. Barefoot Cellars wine and Genesis 1:29 bread have been kind enough to sponsor us, and it’s your job to make sure the products POP on the table. We want the people of Jerusalem frothing at the mouth to eat and drink these sponsored items.
Thaddeus, you’re in charge of the ring lights! Make sure the angels we requested are well rested so their haloes are bright and shiny for the big day. We can’t have any under-eye bags or dark shadows ruining the pic. Be sure to tell the angels the dinner is an hour earlier than it really is, since they’re commuting from heaven and notoriously late.
Philip, you’re in charge of staging all of us around the table. Please put a fair bit of thought into this. Last week, I was at a dinner party where everyone was seated on the SAME SIDE of this weird, long table. Can you imagine? So tacky.
Matthew, you’re on garnishing duty. It’s your job to keep the food looking absolutely fire the night of. I highly suggest you practice at home. If I see one lamb shank not properly coated with bitter herbs I’m going to absolutely lose my shit.
Judas, you’re in charge of pose ideas for the photo. Don’t be afraid to bring the drama! We want this picture to grab people’s attention for centuries. Please, NO fake candid laughter. I encourage you to try something avant-garde and unexpected. Do whatever it takes to elicit compelling and surprising facial expressions from your fellow disciples.
Now that we have duties assigned, let’s talk about your lewks. The attire is funeral-chic. Please come dressed like you’re sad that I’m dying, but also so trendy that no one doubts I have cool friends. Pedicured feet are a requirement, not a suggestion. Finally, please show up with facial hair that is well-trimmed, but also looks just slightly worse than mine.
Dinner will be held during golden hour at 7 p.m sharp. If you are late, you will not be in the photo. A stone will be rolled in front of the door as soon as I break the bread.
I know this seems like a lot of rules, but don’t worry. As long as we get this pic right, there’s no way you could betray me.

I, The Easter Bunny, No Longer Want To Be Connected To This Creepy ‘Jesus Rising From The Dead’ Thing

Thu, 14 Apr 2022 22:15:53 +0000

Every year, one thing leaves me, the Easter Bunny, scratching my floppy ears: that scary, crucifix-Jesus I have to hang in my rabbit hole. The higher-ups sent it to me in the mail one time and I don’t know why.
It’s hard to paint pastel eggs and label nut-free candy accurately when you have flashes of blood and gaping, festering wounds on a mostly-naked man jutting out in your peripheral. I’m serious. Those hollowed eyes just watch me hop back and forth as I fill baskets with colorful crinkle paper, and they make me wonder: why would Jesus’ reanimated corpse be connected to the same holiday as me, a lil’ bun-bun?
It just seems like two completely different vibes. Like, I get he’s a really important religious figure, but do we really have to commemorate his rise from the dead on my holiday? My whole thing is hopping around with a basket full of chocolate eggs. And, from what I understand, he hobbled out with nothing but some brutal physical trauma.
I personally think it’s just creepy that this guy dies in the most gruesome way and then is suddenly all like, “hey, I’m back” with his wounds out and all. If that happened today, we’d think he was a zombie. Don’t tell me everyone that saw him after wasn’t like “AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!” at first. Is it a miracle? Sure. But should I really be the one you associate with it? Debatable.
I say we’re both special in our own way, and deserve our own days. He gets the orange and black and skulls one, I get Easter because it’s literally in my name.
A lot of people say that his rise from the dead represents “birth”, but that’s my thing! I am a rabbit. Do you know how many births I’m responsible for? I lost count! So not only do we have to share a holiday, but he’s actively encroaching on my territory.
Picture this. You. Me. Grandma. No scary shrouded man with the long hair. I’m honestly doing you all a favor by calling this out. Can you imagine how fun Easter would be if death wasn’t the creamy center of the Cadbury egg? Wouldn’t you be able to stomach that ham better if you were only tired from looking for all my milk chocolate instead of the whole three-hour-mass thing? You don’t even have to dress up for my hunt. Heck, it doesn’t even have to be on a Sunday anymore. Let’s do a Friday night – it’s already called “Good Friday”! Why not “Excellent Friday”?
When I was born, I was given a mission. I’m a bunny with the special gift of hiding stuff in your backyard at night, but like, in a delightful way. Jesus had twelve friends and one of them flat out betrayed him. Unlike Mr. Popular, I’m only friends with that one golden egg-laying goose and she would never do that to me.
I know I’ve had too many Peeps and I’m going on and on, but hear me out. This guy is a real bummer, with his “sacrifice” this and “be kind” that. In my egg hunt, there are no rules. What you do to get that last egg is none of my business. I’m here to give you CANDY EGGS. That’s it. That’s the holiday. I’m getting that crucifix off my wall tonight. Happy?
Anyways, kiddo, the line is looping into the food court. Let’s take this cute fucking photo.

An Open Letter To Whoever Is Abandoning Their Used Underwear On The Shower Towel Hook At The Gym

Wed, 13 Apr 2022 21:53:49 +0000

Dear Abandoner,
There’s nothing quite like a nice shower after a workout. It’s an opportunity to cleanse and unwind. I find it relaxing and therapeutic. Except when I go to place my towel on the hook outside of the shower and I’m greeted by your dirty, abandoned underwear.
Towel hooks should only be used for towels, not underwear. Think I’m being too vigilant? Consider that you’ve been sweating into your skivvies for long enough that your sweat has overwhelmingly stained the fabric, transforming them into a disgusting Rorshack test. I’m not even sure if, in their current state, we can still refer to them as underwear. No, they’re more like a sweat rag with an elastic waist. And this isn’t just any perspiration. It’s a sickening, septic mix of your nether regions. Front and back. Congratulations, you’ve cross-contaminated the towel of anyone who uses that hook.
Now, it would be one thing if you were still in the shower and had chosen to place your underwear on the towel hook until you were done, though I am not condoning this inconsiderate behavior. Your offense is much more egregious. You have willingly deserted your nasty knickers, abandoning them like a baby on the doorstep of an orphanage.
Why?
I have wracked my brain trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, “Perhaps they accidentally forgot their underwear and didn’t mean to leave them in the lurch?” No, the hook is right there when you exit the shower and there’s no way you wouldn’t have seen your saggy, soaked underwear waiting to be removed.
Try as I might, I have not been able to come up with a satisfactory answer as to why you would force someone else to deal with your jilted jockeys.
Inanimate though they may be, even your underwear must be wondering how you could do them so dirty, “How could you callously cast me away like this? After everything we’ve been through, all the time I’ve supported you. This is how you thank me, this abrupt breakup?”
I figure if you have a gym membership and have gotten yourself to the gym, you must be a somewhat capable adult who has managed to navigate more complex situations than what to do with your unwanted underwear. And yet, they remain forsaken in the worst possible place.
Here are some suggestions if you’re experiencing uncertainty about where you should put your befouled briefs:
Put them in your gym bag and then take them home to be washed. Yes, that’s right, underwear are meant to be worn multiple times provided they’re washed in between uses.
If you don’t do laundry, and you’re only using underwear on a one-and-done basis like some sort of OCD Jack Nicholson character from As Good As It Gets, you can place them in the garbage.
If neither of those options seem appealing, you can pretty much give them the old heave-ho anywhere other than the towel hook and it will be an improvement (the floor, a bench, on top of your head, etc.)
Seeing as how you shower after exercising, you obviously have some grasp of the basic tenets of hygiene. All I’m asking is that you don’t ditch your drawers where others are supposed to put their towels.
Left on the hook,
Jason Garramone

FAQ About My Brother-in-Law Absolutely Destroying My Toilet

Tue, 12 Apr 2022 23:19:58 +0000

Are you sure the toilet was destroyed?
Yes. While denial is a normal first response to misfortune, several close inspections revealed that the tank of the toilet was askew, that the bolts holding it together had worn through the ceramic, and that upon each flush, a sizable amount of water would dribble onto the floor. Some light wrenching proved futile and the toilet was deemed by me to be “absolutely destroyed.”
Why do you assume your brother-in-law is the one who destroyed your toilet?
The toilet was in pristine condition Friday. My brother-in-law babysat my son on Saturday. On Sunday, my brother-in-law asked me, suspiciously, if I knew my toilet was broken, and explained that he had put towels down to prevent damage to the floor and basement ceiling. He, my son, and my niece are the only possible suspects, but the two small children do not have the body mass to absolutely destroy a powder room toilet.
Is your brother-in-law a particularly big guy?
No. Though he seems sensitive about his weight on occasion, my brother-in-law is an average-sized man. If the police were to create a line-up of usual suspects, you would not pick out my brother-in-law as someone who could absolutely obliterate your toilet, if he wound up in the lineup at all. Furthermore, if my toilet failed because it could not hold someone’s weight, I would blame the toilet, and not the user. This would be an engineering flaw, as toilets should be universally designed.
So you think he was misusing the toilet in some way?
Yes. While I understand that this is the crux of the situation, I would rather not elaborate on how my brother-in-law might have used the toilet in such a way as to absolutely kill it. Surely it is not my responsibility as a victim to imagine every possible scenario in which my brother-in-law abused my toilet, though I can offer as a suggestion that perhaps he sat too quickly in a precipitous flop or there was a precarious wiggle. It’s also relevant that my brother-in-law is a fan of the Marvel superhero franchise, which glorifies impractical jumps and rough landings.
Did he offer to pay to fix it?
No. In the moment, without any real understanding of how toilets work, I assured my brother-in-law that the tank could likely be reattached easily. After inspection revealed that the toilet was absolutely executed without mercy, I shouldered the cost of a new toilet out of pocket, avoiding installation fees by performing this work myself at the guidance of Youtube DIY videos.
Wait, you didn’t tell him it was broken?
This is a delicate family dynamic, and I would appreciate your understanding. He had just provided me with reasonably-priced childcare when the issue first arose, so it would have been indecent to squabble toilets at that time. Then, after the damage had been fully assessed, instigation of the discussion would likely have been embarrassing for my brother-in-law, my sister, as well as for me and my wife.
Are you scared of confrontation or something?
No. I am not scared of confrontation, just a thoughtful empathetic human who understands the nuance of human relationships and who handles himself with a certain decorum.
So you’re a little scared?
No. Confronting my brother-in-law about absolutely slaughtering my toilet is not scary. You know what’s scary? A toilet — what should be the most reliable fixture of your house — bleeding out from the tank while the man responsible roughhouses with your son, teaching your progeny his methods for absolutely annihilating toilets.
Isn’t it kind of messed up to tell your brother-in-law that everything is fine and then turn around and put him on blast in an online article?
I can understand how you would think that, but no. My interactions with my brother-in-law and my interactions with others are separate social situations. When talking to my brother-in-law about the toilet he absolutely destroyed, I am bound by family honor. On the other hand, when sharing my experience with strangers on the internet,...

Fresh Alternatives To Dying

Tue, 12 Apr 2022 23:14:45 +0000

The next time someone texts you something so funny you think you may die, don’t just lazily drop “Dying” into the thread. It’s your responsibility to let the sender know how close to death you truly are. Here’s a helpful range of evergreen replies that can pair with just about any hilarious text you receive.
HAHA omg laughing so hard I am dying
Hahahahahahahahahahah ur KILLING me!
LMFAO on my way to death!
LOL omg moving west to take a job working in the mines
Haha building up a thick layer of mine dust on my fragile lungs
Omg narrowly avoiding getting buried alive after a mine explosion!
Falling two stories down a mineshaft!!
Lmfao quitting my mining job after a couple freak episodes
Hahahahahaha listening to the boys say, “Good luck surviving winter and providing for your family up in that rickety mountain shack, Zeb.” as I strut away from the mines and take control of my life!
BURIED BY AN AVALANCHE IN MY OWN HOME HA!!!!
Omg the larder’s low on food and critters have eaten the last of the bulgur wheat hahaha
LMFAO losing grip on reality due to unparalleled hunger
Haha omg literally starving though
Hallucinating eating my dear wife Dolores hahaha
HA! Piecing together what happened to Dolores in the night!
Hahahaha telling the oldest child that I will be back as soon as I can and that I need him to be strong right now
Omg forging alone into blizzard conditions to get help in the bustling mining town at the base of the mountain!!!
OMG lying at the bottom of a deep and impressively hidden crevasse
Hahaha splinting my broken shin with pieces of pine bark and mountain rubble
Mustering the last of my energy to crawl out of this massive earth crack!
Hahaha sweating and exposed on this icy cliff face!
LOL helplessly watching townspeople 10,000 feet below with their markets and medical supplies, unaware of my plight
Hahahahahaha missing the stability that working in the mines brought to my family and life
LOLing into the cold, white nothing!
Dead
That was a very funny text.

It’s The Great Resignation, Charlie Brown: Linus Puts His Two Weeks in at Charlie Brown’s Vape Shop

Thu, 07 Apr 2022 18:36:26 +0000

Charlie Brown, I really hate to do this. I’m putting my two weeks in. That means I quit, Chuck. I talked about it extensively with my parents, but everytime they opened their mouths to give me advice on my career path, all they ever said was wah-wah-wah-wah–wah. But even without their support, I finally came to my senses after realizing how grossly underpaid I was when I discussed salaries with Snoopy, who apparently is also on our payroll and makes more than me. He doesn’t even come into the shop. So all in all, I think you’ll soon see that me leaving is for the best. What can I say? It’s the Great Resignation, Charlie Brown.
Chuck, I think you probably realized that this was a long-time coming. It hasn’t been the same since Peppermint Patty quit, and you know it. She quit not because of the bad work culture or the spirit of the Great Resignation, but because you vaguely friend-zoned her for 50 years. Pat was a master at the register, AND she was always breaking records selling the peppermint juice pods. Once she left to chase her passion becoming a freelance boom operator for a Billy on the Street spin-off, I missed having a buddy to vent to by the bong case. Also, you’d be lying to yourself if you think we can find a better baseball team captain for the vape shop rec league at this point in the season. And while my blanket is the only companion I’ll ever truly need, you weren’t willing to let me keep him around on the job. You said it messed with your brand’s image, yet selling to underage high school kids was okay? I think it’s my turn to say “good grief.”
Without Peppermint Patty to hang around with, all the shortcomings of my job suddenly became glaringly obvious: the long hours, the lack of health insurance, the “work hard, play hard” mentality you pushed on all of us. For someone who was depressed all throughout their youth, I expected way less of that LinkedIn bullshit from you, Chuck. Also, this is a fucking vape shop, Charlie Brown, I’m not trying to “grind” in the morning when I’m making minimum wage. I have a family to support. Are you still mad I married your sister Sally? I finally give her a chance after watching her throw herself at me all through elementary school, and what now? Here I am, 10 years later, with four kids and a wife who won’t stop binging trash reality shows. I’M the one who should be moping around seeking advice from every neighborhood kid in sight, not you!
And what am I going to do next? Well let me ask you something. Who’s an adult man with a blanket that sucks his thumb entering FUNemployment? This guy! Come on Charlie Brown, having a job lined up after you quit these days is so old school. Besides, I get paid more on unemployment while doing TikTok dances to Schroeder’s piano ballads than what I made working minimum wage at this vape shop. Me and Blanky are probably going to take the next six months or so, take some acid (Woodstock has a plug), walk aimlessly around a pumpkin patch and try to see the Great Pumpkin. I can already feel the nine singular hairs rise on the back of my head just thinking about it. Maybe I’ll even take some time to learn how to kick a football since you’ve never been able to. I’d invite you, but hey, looks like you got work to do around here finding a new employee.
Speaking of finding a new employee, I’ve got some advice for you to get someone else from the applicant pool of neighborhood kids. First of all, lighten up. You’re always so sad saying ‘“good grief!” Lucy’s therapy services are 5 cents, which is still the lowest price out there! Have you not been going lately? One more thing, you’ve got to start looking into some Rogaine. People addicted to nicotine who come to this vape shop don’t want to buy their drugs from a depressed bald guy! If you do all of that and I don’t know, pay us a living wage, then you’ll find a replacement for me in no time.
Since I’m leaving, I’ll do you a favor and leave a Glassdoor for the shop. Do I recommend this place? Sure, ...

What To Expect When You're Expecting Extraterrestrials

Thu, 07 Apr 2022 17:08:56 +0000

So the government has finally come out and admitted that UFO’s are a real thing. Sure, that’s mind-blowing, but don’t get distracted. Now we need to prepare ourselves for the day that they make their introductions, and who knows how much time we have before that happens? It’s in this spirit that we present these handy tips on how to behave when our universal neighbors pop in for a quick visit.
Don’t Attempt To Trick Them Into Doing Chores Around Your House
This may very well make for a funny video to post on Instagram, not to mention a way to free up some time on a Saturday afternoon, but best not to risk it. These fellas might have long ago evolved past using humor as a societal coping device, and may have ray-guns as well.
Put Your Pets Up For The Duration Of The Visit
No, we’re not going to make an allusion to aliens possibly eating your pets; that would be crass and presumptuous. No, what we’re suggesting is that the likely scenario of barking animals may very well insinuate an unintended threat of hostility, which would best be avoided if possible. And by this line of reasoning, now that we think about it, you should probably put Grampa in the basement for a bit as well.
Keep It Classy-ish
If you decide to invite our friends from beyond the stars into your home for a casual chat, please do your best to make a good impression. For example, best to keep the tv off, but if you must keep it on, steer clear of things like The Bachelor and Fox News. I mean, c’mon. you’re just making the rest of us look bad.
Don’t Try To Sell Them On Your Particular Religious Beliefs
Remember, the idea here is to not do or say anything that may result in the complete and utter destruction of our planet / species.
Try Not To Mention The Anal Probing Stuff
Listen, they were just going through a phase back then; think of it as a sort of mid-life crisis thing. They feel kind of weird about it now, no reason to bring it up.
Please, Please Don’t Try To Seduce Any Of The Extraterrestrials
Good Lord, do we even have to say this? If history teaches us anything, then the answer is yes, sadly. We realize that it’s been a dream of yours for years to bask in your promised fifteen minutes of fame by appearing on The Jerry Springer Show, but try not to drag our new universal allies down with you into the muck. Plus, your dad is only just now getting over the fact that you dated that Filipino guy in high school.

How to Live With an Aggressively Comfortable Couch

Wed, 06 Apr 2022 02:38:12 +0000

If you’ve ever been overpowered by a couch, you know it happens quickly. By the time you regain consciousness, there can be consequences that are physical, emotional, or even financial.
The issue is unlikely to resolve on its own. With age, many couches become more aggressively comfortable, not less. And a stern scolding yields little more than a whiff of your own feral breath, escalating a desperate situation and the odds of another incident. Manage the situation with the following:
Understand the behavior: Couch “aggression” can mask anxiety, typically caused by pressure to tie the whole living room together — arguably the locus of your household. Many comfortable couches never have formal opportunities to socialize with matching furniture. Your couch may be doing its best to tie something together, such as you and the upholstery.
Identify aggressive posturing. In an attack position, a couch might crouch low, the serpentine suspension system ready to spring. A dangerous couch has a rigid frame of kiln-dried hardwood, a formidable and unmovable force, an anchor by design. It can come at you from all sides.
Approach the couch with caution. Do not allow the couch to make initial contact. Go about your business and refrain from reaching down to caress premium chenille or velvet fabrics. If the couch nudges or bumps you for contact, stand still and slowly turn off “The Great British Baking Show.”
Avoid direct eye contact. Looking at a couch is often the first mistake. While the couch may appear to be a lovable large-breed cross between a cashmere poncho and a cloud, make no mistake — it can swallow you whole.
Find a safe focal point — often a portrait of mallards — directly above the couch. You can also look at its arm or a stubby, screw-on leg.
If you accidentally look right at the couch, quickly flick your eyes away. This will often prevent you from getting sucked into an engagement.
Interact with the couch from the side. If you do decide to get closer, walk in an arc, not a straight line. Take a few steps at a time, pausing if you feel the urge to lunge.
You must position your ass at a non-direct angle. If you interact with the couch in an ass-on way, it may increase the comfort. Don’t be surprised if the couch readjusts to anticipate your ass. If this happens, shift over to get off-kilter again.
Throw a few treats down on the ground. If you toss high-value treats near the couch, ones you normally keep away from it, like s’mores or hot wings, you might divert yourself.
This is an especially positive method for couch owners to use. You may come to associate food with not sitting on the couch and even look forward to sitting on less comfortable furniture.
Eventually you could tolerate short periods upright at a table, even with guests who popped over without calling.
Note: Treats may never fully address separation issues with your couch in crowded public areas where fully-grown adults are prone to erratic behavior or tantrums.
Focus on the big picture. Remind yourself about the negative traits your couch possesses. It might be ugly, steal coins, or trap a damp odor known as “ape crotch.”
Identify your couch’s triggers. Comfortable couches often begin as strays from the street. It’s helpful to know your couch’s history.
· Observe your couch’s everyday behaviors. Does it become more comfortable during a thunderstorm? Is it exceptionally aggressive toward men? Does it dominate your pets?
· Don’t discount the possibility that you may be the cause of the aggression. Shed certain clothing items, like jogger pants, to reduce reactivity with bilious high-density foam that can otherwise lull your fight-or-flight reflex into submission for up to twelve hours.
· Guide away anyone at risk of competing for the couch — children, roommates, and especially the in-laws. Most people have no idea what they’re doing, and it falls to you to protect them all the time, which is precisely why if anyone’s going to touch the couch, it should be you. E...

We’ve Updated Our Preschool’s Curriculum to Help Your Toddler Survive the Coming Climate Apocalypse

Tue, 05 Apr 2022 17:02:11 +0000

Our six-step process is both pedagogically sound and sure to help your toddler adapt to a catastrophe that Congress has done literally nothing to prevent!
Enforce Concrete Boundaries: Two-year-olds have trouble understanding that resources are finite. For example, when I take half the food off Lily’s lunch plate to get her used to extreme food shortages caused by climate change, she yells that she is still hungry and then grabs food off Nora’s plate. I tell her that’s very good, she’ll have to learn to fight for her food since society was unable to meet even the most lackluster carbon reduction targets.
Connect with Nature: I try to strike a balance between giving your children hope and crushing their cute little souls with the reality of climate change, so in response to the cries of “I’m hungry!” and “I’ll even eat my vegetables,” I’ve started a small garden. Max loves digging his hands in the contaminated soil but he broke down in tears when he realized those seeds have zero chance of becoming edible food. I instruct Max that tears are not productive – he must learn geoengineering and develop new technologies to help the seeds grow in poisonous soil. I’d recommend holding him back another year, but as long as Congress keeps subsidizing fossil fuels, I don’t really see the point.
Introduce Scary Things in a Child-Friendly Way: Toddlers frighten easily. This was exemplified when Nora discovered the insect infestation I created in the library to illustrate one of the effects of climate change in a real hands-on way. After she stopped screaming, I instructed Nora that scared toddlers end up as dead toddlers. She quickly turned her attitude around and led the class in a game she called “stomp on spiders until they are all dead and Nora is alive.”
Explain Cause-and-Effect: All our students love things with wheels. Liam loves cars but refuses to play bus driver or even Uber. It’s clear he has no idea that America’s pitiful fuel efficiency standards means he’ll be dependent on an inhaler for the rest of his life. To help him make the connection, I’ve started pumping exhaust fumes into the classroom whenever he picks up a toy that runs on fossil fuels. Liam admits that the classroom’s worsening air quality is correlated to playing with toy cars but stops short of admitting causation. His enthusiasm for evading questions shows he has a future career in politics, lobbying, or PR – just kidding, there is no future where jobs are still a thing.
Play with Water: When I flooded the playground to simulate rising sea levels, I worried that the kids would be confused that I also restricted their clean drinking water to a quarter cup a day (you know, because of predicted freshwater shortages). But Hazel, perhaps the group’s strongest swimmer, grasped the concept immediately. She quickly swam to each table, stealing the other children’s tiny bottles of fresh water and then selling them at a substantial markup (25 cookies!). While I would have preferred that she collaborate with others on building a desalination tank, I gave her a gold star for her survival-instincts.
Make Exercise Exciting: To prepare your children for a longer and more severe fire season (what future generations will call “January through December”), I’ve created an obstacle course in the arts and craft room. I put your children’s favorite toys and family pictures at the start line – more than they can comfortably carry – and then gave the toddlers a 30 second warning before setting the whole thing on fire. Sam wavered the first few times on what to save. I told him that sentimentality has no place in whatever short future the planet has left. He dropped everything and ran off yelling “fuck you” to his toys – or maybe to Congress for not passing climate legislation. Honestly, it was hard to tell under the roar of the fires.

How to Be a Woman in Advertising, According to the Men I Work With

Tue, 05 Apr 2022 16:32:29 +0000

Advertising is a tough business. But despite its challenges, it can be an incredibly rewarding field if you know exactly how to navigate it without offending, overstepping, or over-shadowing any men. Here is everything you need to know about being a woman in advertising, according to the men I work with.
Speak up, but not too much.
If you’re going to succeed in the male-dominated world of advertising, you need to know when to speak up. But it’s also just as important to know when to be quiet. Speak up to let everyone in the meeting know how much you love your male coworker’s ideas, but pipe the fuck down when you want to point out that tweeting “how’s it hanging” might not sound great coming from a fast food brand during Suicide Prevention Month.
Be smart, but not smarter than any of the brand execs who make $300k a year.
Women in this industry are incredibly smart. It takes a lot of intelligence to be able to walk into a room and immediately discern which men never to be left alone with, and which men to block on social media before they follow you and comment “Looks like fun!” on a picture of you at the beach in a bikini when you were a sophomore in high school.
It doesn’t matter if these guys still watch cartoons and think Joe Rogan is a real comedian, you are not smarter than they are. The same thing goes for any men in the room who are over 40, are under 5 foot 7 inches, or have been on a yacht. You know what? Just to be safe don’t be smarter than any of the men in the room.
Be a mom, but not a real mom because that’s not hot.
By being a mom, I don’t mean a real mom with children. That’s not hot which means it’s disgusting. Being a real mom means you probably can’t work past 9 pm on Facebook carousel ads for Toyotathon. It means you might not be wearing a full face of makeup every day, and you probably don’t look like a 17-year-old with zero children.
Instead, be a “mom.” Smile when they say something unintelligible because they’re eating a burrito and little bits of lettuce and chicken are falling out of their mouth onto the conference table. It’s not gross, it’s charming. And you should definitely clean it up cause it’s in your nature and they won’t. Always have tissues, band aids, 12 extra phone chargers, and weed in your purse like a real mom would.
Be a diversity show pony, but don’t be obvious about it.
As one of the few women in a senior position, make it clear that you’re a diversity show pony. You are spear-heading the agency’s Women’s History agenda, speaking at every conference on women in advertising, and every single day wearing a shirt under your blazer that says “Wild Feminist.”
But don’t make a scene about it. Sure, you’re a woman, but at the end of the day you’re just one of the guys. Don’t do girly things like support other women, eat food, or write like a woman. I have no idea what that means but don’t do it.
Never, ever talk about having a vagina. It’s not like men ever talk about having a penis.
Know how to take a joke, but not make a joke.
Take a joke like you’d take that raise they’ve been promising you for two years. If the joke isn’t funny, laugh even harder. And whatever you do, don’t take it to HR.
When you think of something funny, remind yourself it’s not funny. The only way you’ll know for sure if the joke you were going to say is funny is if a man says it. And by then it’s too late.
Plan all the social events.
This is obvious.
Remember, you’re just lucky to be here.
Know that there are tons of other women who want to do what you do—women who won’t mind only being put on the tampon/grocery store/baby formula/weight loss product accounts. Speaking of those accounts, please remember that the men on your team know best. Even if they think women use 40 tampons a day and period blood really is blue.
Good luck out there!
work

Your Psychiatrist’s Generalized Anxiety Survey

Fri, 01 Apr 2022 15:37:50 +0000

In the past five days, how often have you experienced nervousness or felt on edge?
.been so restless you can’t keep still?
.skipped meals or experienced low or no appetite?
.avoided social interactions, even with loved ones, such as a partner/spouse?
If you answered “Sometimes,” was it to avoid hearing your partner/spouse mention their coworker Paul again and how funny and clever he is?
How likely are you in the next week to attend a small social gathering, such as a party or your partner/spouse’s work happy hour?
Even if you know Paul’s going to be there and he’s probably going to show pictures from his kayaking trip in Colorado?
How often do you experience feelings of inadequacy?
Intellectual inadequacy?
Emotional inadequacy?
Physical inadequacy (weak/impotent)?
A general, amorphous inadequacy, like a sense that somehow whatever potential you had—whatever unique gifts you could have somehow, once, cultivated—are wasted, squandered?
You sure?
You don’t ever feel like you’re letting down everyone important in your life or that you’re generally a disappointment of a human being?
Have you seen Paul’s Instagram?
It’s mostly pictures of Paul shirtless, performing an array of daring, rigorous outdoor activities, huh?
On a scale of 1 to 5, how anxious are you that you’re partner/spouse has faked every orgasm they’ve ever purportedly had with you, that it isn’t a problem with them because they’ve definitely climaxed for every other person they’ve been with (a not inconsiderable number, especially compared to your count), and that you’re utterly lacking in charisma and virility?
If you answered 3 or above, has it ever crossed your mind that your partner/spouse probably remembers their first time with a certain fondness, the May sunlight creeping through the heavy plastic dorm room blinds, muted sounds of Tom Petty pulsing through the wall from the stoners’ four-person suite next door, their sometime-boyfriend’s bed rank and sweaty, sheets half-strewn on the floor?
Do you think there are any sexual encounters that you’ve had with your partner/spouse that they would remember in equal detail? Not counting the time in the Berkshires when you used off-brand condoms?
Really? None of that bothers you?
Over the past two weeks, have you awoken in the middle of the night and couldn’t fall back asleep?
If yes, did you lie awake staring at the ceiling, wondering whether you are a total fraud, if your life is inconsequential, and every meaningful connection you believe to have made is superficial and valueless, and/or that every relationship you value means orders of magnitude more to you than to the other person, who would probably remember you only occasionally, and frankly with indifference, if you were to disappear?
Your spouse/partner really lit up when Paul showed up at the last happy hour you went to, huh?
Isn’t he taller in real life than he looks on his LinkedIn profile picture?
Do you ever wonder if Paul would make your spouse/partner happier in the long run?
Yeah, agreed.

Brutally-Honest Petfinder

Wed, 30 Mar 2022 18:41:24 +0000

Welcome to Brutally Honest Petfinder! If you’re ready to add a little wild kingdom energy and a whole lotta love to your home, you’ve come to the right place. Whether you’re seeking a four-legged, feathered, or furry friend, we’ve got the beast who’ll turn your life upside down. Read on to see who’s available!
Meet Minnie — a little chihuahua with a big heart. No seriously. It’s a condition. She takes meds to the tune of $4k/per month. She’ll thrive in a family with plenty of disposable income. (Maybe just don’t get too attached.)
Longing to relive those lost weekends spent at music festivals? Simply stand beside Luther’s litter box and take a deep sniff. Bam! You’re instantly transported back in time to those Lollapalooza port-o-potties where you swayed drunkenly waiting to hear Perry Farrell and wishing you hadn’t worn Tevas.
If vacuuming is your jam, you won’t want to miss Maurice the Maine Coon. Thanks to his voluminous, two-layered coat, your clothing, couch, and countertops will soon be covered in more hair than the bottom of Cher’s wig closet. (Dustbuster not included!)
Add a pop of color and personality to your life with Mavis the Macaw. Formerly a frat house mascot, this perky parrot is well-versed in beer pong and the music of Yung Gravy. We’d love to see her spread her wings and flourish with new owners who aren’t averse to vulgarity and bonkers lyrics.
Rufus has so much love to give. Our behaviorist jokes that this not-so-bashful toy terrier is battling a Charlie Sheen-level sex addiction. All kidding aside, it’s probably best to keep this randy rascal away from other pets, stuffed animals, and anything you wouldn’t want to see coated in semen.
It’s hard to believe no one’s adopted Peaches the python yet! Seriously, who needs a grande French roast when you could awake to the heart-pumping thrill of this green goddess coiled around your torso? (Will work out best in a home without toddlers.)
You’re not wrong. In certain lights, Lorenzo, the long-haired labradoodle, bears a striking resemblance to Weird Al Yankovic. But the fun doesn’t stop there! When you least expect it, this purebred prankster’s been known to sidle up behind you and use his fangs to give you an atomic wedgie the likes of which you haven’t felt since middle school.
Dolores, the tortoise, requires a steady diet of organic collard greens and golden raisins to keep her shell glistening brighter than a bald man’s head at the beach. Because of her lifespan, it’s likely Dolores will outlive us all. With that in mind, we’re only able to adopt her out to someone willing to set up a trust to provide for her future. Thanks for understanding.
American Idol fans, have we got a winner for you! Introducing . Kelly Barkson. This stunning Siberian husky is the OG canine crooner. The blue-eyed beauty howls all night long. She arrived on our doorstep after her previous owner’s neighbor threatened to remove her larynx with an ice cream scoop.
Though Bunnicula got her name from the classic children’s story, life for this hare has been anything but a fairytale. During her days in a toxic rabbit fighting ring, Bunnicula earned a reputation as a real bruiser. But, alas, while besting bunnies ounces well above her weight class, our sassy gal lost an eye and most of her tail. As a way of coping with past trauma, Bunnicula self soothes by gnawing through phone chargers and designer footwear.
Sure, it looks like Fredo the ferret is frothing at the mouth, but he’s just happy to meet you. Ideally, he’ll find a home where he can bring his bestie, Vito the raccoon, with him. Vito’s currently being treated for a mild case of rabies, but should be good to go by the weekend. We’d hate to break up this bonded pair.
Submit your video application today!

I’m A 9 Year Old Piano Prodigy And Pay No Mind To The Scars All Over My Body

Tue, 29 Mar 2022 18:50:42 +0000

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our production An Evening With A Modern Mozart. My name is Georgie, I’m 9 years old, and although I haven’t graduated from elementary school I sure as heck can play the piano.
While it’s true that I was born with some natural ability, I didn’t get to this level with talent alone. It took a lot of practice. I started playing at 2 years old and I haven’t taken a day off since. Boy, do I love it.
While other kids were playing outside and starting friendships, I was studying Rachmainoff’s concertos in hopes of one day selling out a packed arena charging $50 a head. But none of that would be possible without the firm guidance provided by my parents Linda and George Sr. who quit their jobs and pulled me out of school to focus on helping me master the instrument you see before you.
That’s why my family and I were very disappointed to learn that the press was spinning false narratives about our relationship. These accusations of abuse are patently false. I practice piano for thirteen hours a day – with five minute hygiene, food, and bathroom breaks – on my own volition.
Also, my gloves, scarf, high socks, and ski mask are part of my wardrobe. I am not wearing this to cover up bruises and lashings I’ve received from my parents every time I miss a note or don’t keep up with a piece’s tempo. It’s a stylistic choice.
If you’d like to see under my clothes to confirm whether I’m telling the truth about the supposed scars, I think my friends over at the police station would like to have a word with you. Or you can take my word for it that I am, in fact, telling the truth.
Sure, sometimes it’s hard missing out on a normal childhood with its Saturday morning cartoons and cereal box prizes. But while normal kids played with yo-yos, I was playing with Yo-Yo Ma. Our three month residency at the Xi’an Conservatory of Music was nothing like summer camp or joining the baseball team, it was better. Given the choice, a thing I’m given all the time, I’d much rather spend my formative years in a dark orchestra pit with members of the elite Chinese Philharmonic than go to an amusement park.
This year alone I’ve been privileged enough to perform for the Prince of Liechtenstein, former President Barack Obama, and ten sold out shows at Carnegie Hall. Talking to world leaders and receiving standing ovations isn’t your average childhood but the only examples I’ve seen of an average childhood are from passing glimpses at Father’s television as the galvanized steel door is shutting to my piano room so what do I know.
With my platform, my hope is to inspire kids all over the world to learn an instrument and to raise awareness on how to practice them safely. The few injuries I’ve sustained from playing the piano, injuries that were twisted into a false narrative, actually came as a consequence of using the instrument incorrectly.
What the media doesn’t understand is that the piano is a dangerous contraption designed centuries ago by opium addicted pedophiles. Therefore when a composition is played incorrectly, it’s not uncommon for the fallboard to drop on the musician’s fingers. And if you have a look inside the piano lid for a way to destroy the strings so you can have a few day’s rest from playing before your parents order another one that you’ll undoubtedly slave over for years to come, it’s quite common for the lid to fall on your head, knocking you unconscious.
On that note, I want to thank all of you for making it here tonight. I’m glad you were all able to dodge the falling pianos that I’ve heard so much about, raining all over innocent people when they go outside for too long or forget to study their sheet music.
If the sight of my piano triggers a memory of a loved one that has perished in the dropping piano epidemic, my prayers are with you and your family and I hope my performance can remind you of what pianos can do in a normal context. Time Magazine said my playing style was that of “someone older who had seen war...

Let's Get High And Go To The Van Gogh Museum

Tue, 29 Mar 2022 17:57:11 +0000

Morning, bud. Jetlag messed you up? Well, it’s time to get dressed! We’re in Amsterdam, the trip we’ve been waiting for. I’ve read up on Lonely Planet, Frommer’s, and the NYTimes 36 Hours in Amsterdam. Did you see the Google Doc I sent you? No? No worries! There’s so much to see and do. This afternoon we’re going to the Van Gogh Museum to check the biggest thing off our list. Oh, and I guess we should get high beforehand.
I know I’ve never done marijuana before, but I hear the weed is different here, stronger, fancier, more European. Like people forget where they are and just wander the streets of Amsterdam, with time revealing itself as the manmade construct it’s always been. People say you’ll learn to live fully in the moment, and everything else falls away, like an ear falling off someone’s head.
Come on! We have to do that! And let’s make sure we set alarms on our phones because we really can’t miss our 3pm timed entry tickets to the largest collection of Van Gogh pieces in the world.
While we’re walking to the museum (high, of course), we should listen to some classical music on my Amsterdam Spotify Playlist. And let’s really take in the sounds around us. The bikes whooshing by, the boats along the canals. We’ll let our senses take over, and not overthink things. But once we get to the museum, we’ll have to snap out of it because we simply must read every one of the over 700 letters Van Gogh sent to his brother.
Smoking? What are you crazy? This is Europe! They get high in a much classier way. I’m talking edibles, my man. We’re going to chow down on space cakes and stuff stroopwafels down our gullets. Get ready for broodje haring, stamppot, and rijsttafel. Better be wearing elastic pants, ’cause we’re going to munch on all this Dutch goodness ’til we’re human bitterballen. And then we must go see Van Gogh’s The Potato Eaters, because that shit exploring the plight of 19th century peasants is a literal masterpiece.
Let’s get baked and go to Vondelpark to check out the tulips! Can you imagine how relaxing that will be? Just us, some THC, and that big ass Dutch sky. It’ll be so trippy to see like, real sunflowers and then see Van Gogh’s renowned series of sunflower oil paintings, completed between 1888–1889, you know?
But yeah, I want today to be incredibly chill. Just like us. Two chill dudes, chilling in Amsterdam, on a chill vacation. Van Gogh also did drugs! Did you know that? I learned all about it in that three part retrospective on his life and works on the History Channel.
Okay so that’s today. Tomorrow we’re going to fuck our brains out in the Red Light District before our 1pm timed entry to the Anne Frank House. I love this city!

Oscar Facts

Sun, 27 Mar 2022 20:29:45 +0000

Sally Field is the only person to ever get into a fist fight with the host when she punched Bob Hope in the face at the 131st ceremony.
Bette Davis wasn’t present for either of her 1936 or 1939 wins. Lars Ulrich of Metallica accepted on her behalf.
There was only one person who was nominated for five Oscars in one year and that was when Walter Matthau took up all 5 Best Supporting Actor spots for his turn as Mr. Wilson in 1993’s Dennis The Menace.
Meryl Streep eats all of her Oscars immediately after winning them.
The only animal ever nominated for an Academy Award were all those bees that killed Macaulay Culkin in 1991’s My Girl.
Ed Harris isn’t even a real person yet he’s been nominated three times.
Frances McDormand is the only person to ever win an Oscar and a chicken wing eating contest in the same night.
Originally Humphrey Bogart’s role in Casablanca was written for Ving Rhames but he passed because he just “couldn’t see it.”
Steven Spielberg is the only person to be nominated every year since the ceremony started 450 years ago.
No one has ever seen The English Patient.
Denzel Washington is the only person to win two Oscars for playing the same role as Rocky Balboa.
Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Dustin Hoffman are the first brothers to win an Academy Award who aren’t even brothers. The rest were either not brothers or not Hoffmans.
Lawrence Olivier used to put salt in his pee hole just to feel something.
Lawrence Of Arabia is the only film to ever win Best Picture & an Olympic Gold Medal in Men’s Judo in the same year.
Jennifer Lawrence farted so loud at the 300th Oscars that it killed Dame Judi Dench.
Tom Hanks, Sean Penn, and Jack Nicholson are secretly all the same man.
Marcia Gay Harden doesn’t even know what film she won for.
Each year every nominee is given a $140,000 gift bag filled with handfuls of Tim Burton’s hair and $25 Starbucks gift cards.
You should not feed your Oscar statue after midnight otherwise they turn into gremlins.
William Hurt thanked Marmaduke, the hilarious Great Dane from the comic strip in his acceptance speech.
Nicole Kidman is the only Oscar winner that knows the precise location where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.
Tom Brady is the only person to win 7 Super Bowls.
Charlie Kaufman and Dalton Trumbo are the only married couple to ever win Oscars for Best Original Screenplay.
Lee Marvin and Ingrid Berman are the only performers to win Oscars for both Best Actor and Best Actress in a leading role.
Forrest Gump didn’t actually win Best Picture. It was Moonlight.
Disney’s Dumbo is the first NC-17 film to ever be nominated.
Penélope Cruz almost choked Jack Lemmon to death on the red carpet because acclaimed filmmaker Ang Lee put a $50 bounty on his head and Penélope Cruz doesn’t fuck around.
The Dead Sea Scrolls is just the Academy Award nominated screenplay of Amélie
Oliver! is the first documentary to ever win Best Picture.

CARTOON: Sun Fun

Fri, 25 Mar 2022 20:56:42 +0000

We Are Flowers, and We’re Here to Melt Your Fucking Face Off

Fri, 25 Mar 2022 20:41:32 +0000

Hello, Cleveland!
I can’t hear you! I said Hello, you pallid fucks!
We’re nearly done with this multi-continental tour, but we could never forget you. Yeah, yeah, we love you, too.
Shhh. All, right. Shut up.
Before we lift this interminable darkness, let’s take things down for a minute. Listen. Do you hear what I hear?
Is that an influx of migratory fucking Robins? The goddamn American kind, chirping like they might blow out their rectums?
And is the ground rumbling under your feet?
Could it be the sound of a crap-ton of worms dragging their ass-less selves above the frost line?
Or could it be something more? Are you ready to meet the animate symbols of hope that arise through soil from the lake of fire and brimstone – here to annihilate your color palette and rupture your gray matter?
Are you ready for this, my barren rock garden babies? Can you handle it? Well, then let’s go! Shrink your goddamn pupils, mother fuckers — these savage hues are going to char your cones.
Over on pink, say hello to Hellebore — straight up from hell itself to tear open your Lenten season! This leathery evergreen bastard shows up late-winter, when your nipples are still hard. Put on your Wayfarers — this multi-talented freak can jam in any color, including metallic fucking blue! Yowza!
Over on white, say hello to Snowdrop! You don’t have to keep your eyes peeled because Snowdrop will peel them out of your head for you. Snowdrop has been dropping a refreshing spring cocaine-bomb on your ass since January.
Hey, what’s that I smell? Bend over and take a whiff, bitches. Say hello to Crocus — the purple cross-pollinator. Will Crocus attract bumblebee groupies DTF when it’s 40 and drizzling ice? You’re damn straight. Dust off your epi-pens, fuckers.
And the Romantic poets might be pushing up daisies, but look who’s still here. We could never forget the star of the show. It’s the Bulbous Bad-ass. The Perennial Crowd-Pleaser. On yellow, say hello the legend – it’s Daffodil. Wandered lonely as a cloud, my ass! This Narcissus from the Netherworld is a grower and a shower, with a floral tube that goes on for days. Good morning, sunshine.
All right, you whiny animals. Put on some layers, and button up for extreme short-term happiness.
Let’s see you light up your phones!
Soak it up.
We don’t do encores.

More Obscure Ways Of Bringing Back Luck

Thu, 24 Mar 2022 20:50:51 +0000

Opening a can of peanut brittle while on a roller coaster.
Juggling fruits and / or vegetables that were purchased at a Farmer’s Market in a primarily red-state.
Using the batteries from your recently deceased father’s pacemaker as replacement batteries for your remote control.
Grating a block of pepper jack cheese while humming a song by the Oak Ridge Boys.
Having your nipples pierced in a construction site porta potty.
Wearing parachute pants while walking through a Protestant cemetery after dark.
Accidentally setting fire to the colostomy bag of an albino choir director.
Ejaculating into a sock that was a Christmas present from your grandmother.

The Following Preview Has Been Approved For All Audiences By The Motion Picture Association Of America

Wed, 23 Mar 2022 17:43:43 +0000

THE FOLLOWING PREVIEW HAS BEEN APPROVED FOR ALL AUDIENCES BY THE MOTION PICTURE ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA
THE FILM ADVERTISED HAS BEEN RATED
THEMATIC ELEMENTS,
PERVASIVE LANGUAGE,
TOO MANY PUNS FOR MY LIKING,
DEPICTIONS OF ANIMATED PENGUINS IN ADULT SITUATIONS,
PROFANELY REFERRING TO HER MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH THE SECOND AS “OL’ BETH, “
GRAPHIC IMAGES OF WALLACE SHAWN DOING THE MACARENA AT SOME SORT OF GALA EVENT,
A STRANGE REENACTMENT OF A SCENE FROM ‘EQUUS’ INVOLVING SOCK PUPPETS
LOUSY WEATHER
IMAGES OF DRUNKEN SAILORS BEATING UP THE DJ AND TAKING OVER THE BOOTH,
THEY SING SEA SHANTIES FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT,
WALLACE SHAWN CONTINUES TO DO THE MACARENA TO THE SEA SHANTIES,
DEPICTIONS OF ANIMATED PENGUINS IN THE RAIN WATCHING EVERYONE HAVING FUN THROUGH A WINDOW AND WONDERING WHY THEY WEREN’T INVITED TO THE PARTY,
THE SADNESS TURNS TO RAGE,
THEY RETURN TO THEIR UNDERGROUND BUNKER,
TO PLOT,
MEANWHILE, HER MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH THE SECOND LAMENTS THE FACT THAT SHE MAY NEVER FIND LOVE AGAIN,
BUT THEN A SEXY DANCE MACHINE CATCHES HER EYE,
WALLACE SHAWN,
EXCESSIVE DRUG USE,
HE IS INCREDIBLY SPRY FOR HIS AGE,
OL’ BETH GOES TO THE DJ BOOTH TO REQUEST THE SAILORS PLAY BABY GOT BACK
THE SAILORS PERFORM A SURPRISINGLY GOOD ACAPELLA VERSION OF THE SONG
IMAGES OF THE QUEEN HAVING IT AND FLAUNTING IT,
SHE IS INCREDIBLY SPRY FOR HER AGE,
GRAPHIC IMAGES OF WALLACE SHAWN GETTING SO LOST IN THE MUSIC THAT HE TEARS HIS SHIRT OFF AND THROWS IT INTO AN ADORING CROWD,
IMAGES OF ‘OL’ BETH’ GETTING A SHIRT THROWN IN HER FACE,
FOR HER, IT’S LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT,
BUT HE DOESN’T NOTICE HER,
AND SHE DIGS THAT,
SHE SNIFFS THE SHIRT AND FEELS A SENSATION OVERCOME HER THAT SHE HASN’T FELT IN QUITE SOME TIME,
LUST,
WHAT THE HELL KIND OF EVENT IS THIS?
NOW IS THE TIME
THE PENGUINS START THEIR MARCH
A MARCH OF PENGUINS, IF YOU WILL
DEPICTIONS OF ANIMATED PENGUINS LAYING WASTE TO THE TOWN
THEY GET PAST SECURITY AND HOLD EVERYONE IN THE PARTY HOSTAGE
THE DRUNKEN SAILORS WHO ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A FIGHT TRY THEIR BEST TO THWART OFF THE PENGUIN ARMY
ALL BUT ONE OF THEM PERISH
‘GREG’ THE ONLY SAILOR REMAINING, RUNS OFF AND HIDES LIKE A COWARD
THE PENGUIN LEADER GRABS THE MICROPHONE AND MAKES A SPEECH ABOUT HOW THEY’VE BEEN TREATED POORLY LONG ENOUGH, AND NOW IT’S THEIR TIME TO TAKE BACK WHAT BELONGS TO THEM
EVERYONE IS CONFUSED BECAUSE THEY DON’T SPEAK PENGUIN,
THE PENGUIN LEADER DIRECTS HIS CRONIES TO SET FIRE TO THE BUILDING
BUT NOT BEFORE THEY TAKE THE MOST VALUABLE TREASURE IN THE ROOM
WALLACE SHAWN
KIDNAPPING
ARSON
A SHIRTLESS WALLACE SHAWN NOT ALLOWING FEAR AND INTIMIDATION TO STOP HIM FROM DOING WHAT HE DOES BEST
THE MACARENA
DEPICTIONS OF ‘OL’ BETH’ SURROUNDED BY CARNAGE AND RUBBLE
SHE RETURNS TO HER SECRET ROOM AT THE PALACE, WHERE SHE COMES TO THE CONCLUSION THAT SHE MUST BREAK THE PROMISE SHE MADE TO HERSELF ALL THOSE YEARS AGO, NEVER TO KILL AGAIN
IT IS TIME TO REMIND THESE PENGUINS WHO THE QUEEN IS
YIPPIE KI YAY MOTHER FUCKER
RECKLESS DRIVING
STYLIZED ACTION SEQUENCES
SHE REALLY IS INCREDIBLY SPRY FOR HER AGE
NO ACTUAL PENGUINS WERE HARMED DURING THE MAKING OF THIS FILM
WOW
NEVERMIND
I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU CAN FAKE THAT
THE QUEEN RESCUES WALLACE SHAWN AND TELLS HIM HOW SHE TRULY FEELS
SHE TELLS HIM THAT SHE’S LOVED HIM FROM THE MOMENT SHE SAW HIM DANCING AT THAT PARTY AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO AND WANTS TO SPEND THE REST OF HER DAYS WITH HIM
WALLACE SHAWN EXPLAINS THAT HE’S NOT THE “RELATIONSHIP” TYPE AND THAT ALTHOUGH SHE SEEMS LIKE A GREAT PERSON, SHE’S JUST NOT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR HIM BECAUSE HE’S SO IN LOVE WITH DANCING THAT HE DOESN’T HAVE THE TIME TO GIVE TO HER THAT SHE DESERVES
THEY GO THEIR SEPARATE WAYS, AND EVEN THOUGH HER MAJESTY FEELS SOMEWHAT MELANCHOLY, SHE ALSO HAS A FEELING OF HOPE
IMAGES OF OL’ BETH NOT CRYING BECAUSE IT’S OVER BUT SMILING BECAUSE IT HAPPENED
AS SHE WALKS AWAY, SHE HEARS A FAMILIAR VOICE
A VOICE THAT SHE’S HEARD BEFORE, AND IT BRINGS HER COMFORT
SHE TURNS AROUND AND SEES ‘GREG’ THE COWARDLY SAlLOR SINGING BABY GOT...

Instructions For You If My Pants Are On Fire

Tue, 22 Mar 2022 21:00:17 +0000

So, my pants are on fire and I’ve handed you this card. You’re probably thinking, “Uhh, say whaaa??” Well, pull yourself together, Gilligan. Every second is critical right now.
Let’s begin with a list of things you should absolutely not do right now:
Don’t yell at me. This isn’t my fault and yelling makes everything worse. This applies to the rest of the instructions, too: DO NOT YELL. If you start yelling, I’ll start breaking things, and nobody wants that.
Don’t tell me to “stop drop and roll.” Don’t you think I’ve tried that, stupid? I’ve been through this enough times to know it doesn’t work. So if you haven’t seen me try it in this instance, don’t say, “Have you tried it?” I have, plenty of times. Also, is that a yell I detect in your voice? See above and remind yourself whether THAT’s a good idea.
Don’t ask how this keeps happening to me. I’m sorry, is this an inquisition? Pretty sure I don’t have time for a press conference right now, Lois Lane. In case you haven’t noticed, my pants are on fire.
Don’t accuse me of doing this for attention. You think it’s fun having your pants catch on fire in the middle of a party/funeral/grand opening/nephew’s baptism? Trust me, it’s not, especially when there are judgmental people like you here. Do everyone a favor and keep your little “theories” to yourself.
Don’t say anything related to “Liar, liar, pants on fire.” This is my line. I do it all the time. I say, “Hey, I swear I’m not a liar liar!” People love it, it breaks the tension. I’ve earned the right to use this line, not you. If you say it before I do, there will be consequences, and you better believe I’m not lying about that.
Which brings me to what you SHOULD do right now.
Get two buckets of water and put them near me. I prefer to put my own pants out with the water, as I know how to do it best. Many pants can still be salvaged if the dousing is done correctly and not by an idiot.
Be a good sport when I douse you with the second bucket of water. What, am I supposed to be the only one here with wet pants? Laugh it off. Maybe say something like, “Welp, guess I should have seen THAT coming!” People like a good sport and you’ll earn many points in my eyes. If you get mad and yell, just read the first instruction to see how well THAT will go for you.
Tell Courtney I was brave. Courtney is a platonic friend of mine and she may have gone to the bathroom or something and missed the whole scene. When she returns and asks what happened, tell her I was very brave and didn’t scream or cry or make intimate confessions while my pants were on fire.
Stay away from Courtney. I said Courtney and I were platonic but I now that I think about it there might be real potential for something more. Don’t talk to her or try to be “charming” and worm your way into our relationship. Just tell her I was brave and back off.
Tell a friend (not you) to ask Courtney what she thinks of me. Tell them not to be too obvious, just casually ask what she thinks about me. Don’t make a big thing of it. Then have them report back to me. Again, not you, but a friend. You stay away. I assume you have friends here, right? Jesus, I hope you’re not some kind of loser. That’s the last thing I need right now.
Let me down easy if Courtney’s not interested in me romantically. This news will be hard for me to hear, as I’ve now gotten very attached to the idea of Courtney and I ending up together. Tell your friend to let me down gently if it’s clear she doesn’t feel the same. I’m sensitive and could use a friend right now.
Tell your friend to double check with Courtney. It doesn’t hurt to make sure they heard her correctly. Go back to her and double check that she doesn’t have feelings for me. My entire future depends on it.
Stop me from jumping out the window. This is something I’ll surely regret later and I must be stopped before I go through with it. It will take both you and your friend to restrain me, as I have considerable upper body strength. Be prepared for the fight...

The Shocking True Story Of Why 6 Was Afraid Of 7

Tue, 22 Mar 2022 20:39:31 +0000

Undoubtedly you’ve heard it before. Maybe you came across it in a dime store joke book, read it on the inside of a bare popsicle stick, or overhead it on the playground when you were young. It’s a question as ubiquitous as “What is the meaning of life?” and as provocative as “Shall we dance?” You’ve probably asked it, answered it, and chuckled at, maybe even done so a multitude of times. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Well, because 7 ate 9.
God, I wish it were that simple. That would be so much easier to comprehend than the truth. But the world doesn’t work that way, does it? Not for people and definitely not for numbers.
The real reason 6 was afraid of 7 had little to do with 8, 9, 10, or even 11. You see 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 was 6’s bookie and 6 got in a little too deep.
It all started with the ponies as it so often does. 6 went down the track on a breezy Saturday with a pal, had a couple of drinks, and found himself on a bit of a hot streak. 4 hours, too many G&T’s to count, and $1,200 later, 6 left the track on the highest of highs. He’d been hitting on the horses all day and even after throwing some cash at the waitstaff and his buddy 5, who’d fallen on hard times after the divorce, he still had a significant chunk of change in his pocket. It had been a good day for 6 and he went to bed that night with a smile on his face.
The next day, 6 sat in his shoddy apartment trying to decide on what he should do with his winnings. He could give some to charity, sure. He could maybe pay down some of his credit card debt, that wasn’t a bad idea. He could even buy himself a new pair of bluejeans, that might be nice. Maybe the stretchy kind that he used to like! He could have done all of those things, but he didn’t. Instead he called up his ex-girlfriend 3 and asked her if she was still “friendly” with that bookie who took the big bets. She said she was, but that that dude, 7, was dangerous. He had nearly put 14 in the hospital after he tried to skip town during the French Open last year. 6 assured 3 that he was only placing a small bet and that she had nothing to worry about.
6 called the very next day and spoke confidentiality to 7, even though he was actually quite scared. 6 attempted to exchange pleasantries, but 7 asked that he cut to the chase. 6 told 7 he wanted to bet $1,000 on the Chicago Bulls to cover the spread. 7 grunted and hung up the phone.
The next night, the Bulls played. They lost and didn’t cover the spread. 6 was out $1,000 just like that and he hadn’t even had a chance to buy those stretchy jeans he wanted. The next night 6 bet another grand (one he didn’t have) on the Bulls to cover. They didn’t. The next night he did the same thing. And the Bulls did the same thing too. On the fourth night, to make up for his losses, 6 placed a $3,000 bet on the Bulls not to cover the spread. They covered. 6 was out $6,000.
After the game, 6 grabbed a suitcase and threw all of his most prized possessions inside. He still had his original money on him, the $1,000, more than enough to catch the train to San Francisco and start a new life. 7 would be mad, maybe even infuriated, but 6 didn’t think he’d ever have to see 7 again. 6 could shave his head, grab a fake mustache, and start wearing more floral just in case 7 ever made it all the way to the bay.
As he walked out the door, the phone rang and it was 3. She said 7 was coming to collect now and that if 6 didn’t have all of the money then he better get the hell out of town. Seconds later, a booming knock came at 6’s door. 6, knowing what awaited him, climbed out the back window and used the fire escape to get down. His luggage opened at one point and all of his prized possessions were scattered about the dirty alley. He didn’t care. 6 just had to get out of dodge once and for all. Having at last reached the ground level, 6 sped around the corner and met 7 dead on. And what’s worse, he was there with 1 and 2, notoriously bad dudes. 7 took hold of 6’s shoulders and looked him sq...

Things That Go Bundt In The Night: Treats To Terrify Your Taste Buds

Fri, 18 Mar 2022 17:15:34 +0000

Putin Pops
From what we hear, Trump can stuff several of these into his mouth at the same time!!
Magic Ate Ball
A Magic 8 Ball covering in rich, delicious caramel and drizzled with candy sprinkles. When will you be able to pass this beast? Reply hazy.
Ted Bundty
A soft, sumptuous bundt cake splashed with a warm spray of raspberry truffle sauce. Our nurse friends warn that this one is extremely bad for your health, but we don’t care! It’s scrumptious!
Pentagraham Crackers
You’ll be surprised at who you’re able to conjure by setting out a plate of these delicious treats for surprise guests!
The Silence Of The Limes
So unbelievably delicious that it might be the most sinful thing that you ever eat. I mean, maybe.
Full Moon-Pie
Certainly won’t turn you into a werewolf, but so mind-blowingly scrumptious that you may still find yourself naked and disheveled in a wooded area the following morning.
Amityville Gingerbread House
Get out!! Get. out! Get out of the kitchen so I can devour this deliciously sugary house all by myself! Nom nom nom!
QAnon-fat Extreme Fudge Bars
If you’re able to believe any of QAnon’s batshit crazy conspiracy theories, then you should have no problem believing that these ooey, gooey slabs of sugar-coma causing decadence are fat free.
Devil’s Food Cake
Actually, in this post-pandemic, post-Trump world, the devil isn’t quite a scary as he used to be.

Florida’s ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill Protects Our Most Vulnerable — People Who Are Still Homophobic in 2022

Thu, 17 Mar 2022 03:40:24 +0000

“The Florida Senate has passed the “Parental Rights in Education” bill, known by critics as the “Don’t Say Gay” bill, despite staunch criticism from Democratic lawmakers and LGBTQ+ advocates.” –CBS News, 3/8/22
Many have criticized our state’s “Parental Rights in Education” bill, otherwise scorned by critics and fondly referred to by Republican lawmakers as the “Don’t Say Gay Bill.” But we need to clear the air about the true intent and purpose of this bill, which up until now has been grossly misunderstood and like most things in Florida, taken wildly out of context, somehow managing to appear far better than what the truth really is.
The “Don’t Say Gay” bill, frankly, has nothing to do with already vulnerable LGBTQ+ kids in Florida’s public school system. They have Disney. They’re doing just fine. The “Don’t Say Gay” bill actually protects our state’s most vulnerable population: people who are still homophobic in 2022.
Think about it, there is no one more at risk than homophobes in 2022. They expend huge amounts of energy and waste large swaths of everyone’s time somehow refusing to just give the fuck up and admit defeat. And in Florida, those are all qualities we deeply admire.
Studies also show that rates of homophobic people in 2022 are quickly shrinking. In fact, the largest concentration of 2022 homophobic people are Republican lawmakers over 57 and Donald Duck. We must act quickly in order to protect our state’s most precious natural resource from disappearing completely.
So how does this bill protect Florida’s vulnerable homophobic population? First, it completely ignores the existence of LGBTQ+ people in our schools. Supporters of the bill say this is to give parents increased involvement and rights in their children’s education, but it’s actually so parents don’t have to have any awkward conversations where they accidentally out themselves as homophobic in 2022.
Can you imagine just how uncomfortable and unsafe an adult would feel if they were outed as homophobic in front of their family without their consent? It’s unconscionable. Further, it puts our already shrinking homophobic population at a greater risk of disappearing even more when they’re inevitably out-debated by their 3-year-old.
Regardless of how you feel about this bill, you have to admit that it does protect a vulnerable group of people. Just like alligators, homophobic people in 2022 are Florida’s largest export to New York through the sewer system. And also like alligators, they only bite if provoked. And unprovoked. And anytime they hear any word that starts with the letters “GA.”
So there you have it, a comprehensive explanation of how this bill works and who it protects. Truth be told, we heard Texas was criminalizing trans kids and we felt left out.

A New Round Of Russian Sanctions

Wed, 16 Mar 2022 21:31:48 +0000

US plans to turn all five Russian Embassies into Little Caesar’s
If any NATO Leaders happen to run into Putin at the grocery store they vow to turn around and go down a different aisle and pretend like they didn’t see him
Justin Trudeau Vows To Get More Handsome
At The Annual UN potluck world leaders won’t touch Putin’s ambrosia Jell-O salad he worked really hard on
NATO’s sister alliance ‘TATO’ cuts off all spud shipments to Russia, stifling the country’s ability to produce vodka and other potato based beverages
Emmanuel Macron pledges all French citizens will be extra rude to anyone who supports the Kremlin
The Academy Of Motion Picture Arts And Sciences will rescind Dr Zhivago of its Best Costume Design Oscar and award it to Inside Daisy Clover
Siberia will now be called ‘Other Alaska’
The country of Georgia agrees to change their name to “New Ukraine” just to piss off Russia
The state of Georgia agrees to call themselves “New Ukraine” in solidarity
The Soviet Union planeteer will be removed from all Captain Planet episodes
The alcoholic beverages “Moscow Mule”& “White Russians” will be renamed “Kazakh Ass” and “Mustache Jeff”
All shipping containers sent to Russia will be filled with confetti & glitter so when they open them confetti & glitter will go everywhere and will make a huge mess
Rubles are now worth .000095 of a shirt button
The International Olympic Committee will recognize Yakov Smirnoff’s seminal 1994 comedy album ‘What A Country!’ as the official Russian National Anthem going forward
All copies of Anna Karenina will be replaced with Danielle Steele novels
The show ‘90 day fiancé’ will now source all its mail order brides from Uzbekistan
Anonymous releases the link to Belarusian President President Alexander Lukashenko’s OnlyFans account
UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson will release an NFT of him sucking on a lollipop
MGM Studios will remaster Rocky IV by digitally replacing Ivan Drago with Jar Jar Binks

You Can Be Anything You Want! And Other Lies We Tell Girls About the Professional World

Tue, 15 Mar 2022 18:12:38 +0000

My Best Guess at What Those Six Different Vagacials Currently Offered at My Salon Are

Tue, 15 Mar 2022 17:43:02 +0000

Note – Women unfamiliar with the concept of “vaginal facials” need not panic, but should def assume their own genitals resemble a 1950s janitor’s mop.
The Paltrow
This 9 hour restorative process leaves the vulva a gleaming beacon of eternal labial youth. Poems about its ethereal beauty will be written in Notes and posted to Insta. Coldplay songs shall be remixed in its honor.
The O’Keefe
A procedure that involves both a heavy steaming and light sandblasting, the vulva is left resembling a sun-bleached cow skull. A super shiny one.
The Max Rebo
After a luxurious mini-peel and elongating massage, the outer labia becomes a dead ringer for the famous blue proboscis of this beloved Star Wars bar musician.
The Cady Stanton
Infused with organic essential oils and a heavy sense of shame, once completed, the ghost of Elizabeth Cady Stanton emits a high-pitched shriek directly from the vaginal opening.
The Michael Barbaro
A lavender candle is burned while The Daily is blasted at top volume from a Bose speaker positioned directly between the thighs. The vulva is left feeling both informed, and with a real human feel for the story.
The Zamboni
Specialty procedure. Inquire at reception. Not suitable for women under 40.

All the New Rules in Major League Baseball

Thu, 10 Mar 2022 21:22:56 +0000

Major League Baseball team owners and players ended a standoff that threatened to derail the 2022 season. As part of the agreement reached, several new rules will go into effect soon, including a pitch clock and “banning the shift.” Here’s a primer on of all the changes.
Pitch clock. Pitchers get five seconds from the time the catcher throws them the ball to when they have to toss it again. If they fail to make the pitch within that five-second limit, they have to throw two balls simultaneously on the next throw.
Bigger bases. The bases will be bigger. Like way bigger. First base will be the size of a queen-size mattress, second base will be the size of a king-size mattress, and third base is a California king-size mattress made entirely of marshmallows.
Banning the shift. Reversing a recent trend, infield players will no longer be allowed to run off the field, into the dugout, and place a their timecard into an old-fashioned punch clock and squawk, “Brap! It’s a living!” like a working bird on The Flintstones.
Universal DH. The National League will adopt the designated hitter rule while the American League will expand it so that every player, umpire, coach, spectator, and hot dog vendor is now a designated hitter.
The “Ball Two” rule. When the umpire calls “ball two,” the batter and catcher are required to chuckle, high five, and point to their testicles.
Fair warning rule. Before every tossed ball, pitchers have to say, “Here it comes!”
Finders keepers rule. Whoever catches the ball gets to keep it, as well as the lost pirate treasure hidden inside.
Catcher distinction. Taking a cue from beloved, family-friendly baseball movies, the catcher on every team has to be an overweight kid who is always eating.
Naming regulations. Taking a cue from the exciting and pure baseball of Little League, all 30 MLB teams will be renamed the Wildcats.
Baseline obstacle accounting. Beehives will be played about every four feet along both the first and third baselines, and the bees will be angry.
Number agreement. The numerical designation of positions will determine how many players are working the position. For example, there will be one first baseman, two second basemen, and three third basemen.
Base agreement. The league will agree on universal definitions of what each “base” means in the realm of burgeoning sexual experimentation. First base means making out, second base is feeling up, third is hand stuff, home is “all the way.” This is now standard.
Better pacing, more excitement. In order to make the game more interesting, baseball will be played indoors, in a gymnasium, and points will be scored by shooting a large, orange, bouncy baseball into a hoop on a backboard.

Questions That Couples on Love Is Blind Should Ask Next Season for Way More Successful Relationships

Thu, 10 Mar 2022 20:45:54 +0000

Are you here to find true love or to boost your Instagram following?
Would you be willing to show me your YouTube search history and/or your For You page on TikTok?
How many times do you typically snooze your alarm in the morning?
What is the correct pronunciation of GIF?
Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? Why or why not?
After grocery shopping, do you return your shopping cart or leave it where you parked?
If you use your phone in bed while your partner is trying to sleep, do you turn down the screen brightness?
When you have a hangnail, do you neatly trim it with cuticle clippers or tear it off and immediately regret it when your finger starts bleeding?
In “Dancing on My Own,” does Robyn sing “I’m not the girl you’re taking home” or “I’m not the guy you’re taking home”?
How would you answer The Trolley Problem?
When you’re rude to Siri or Alexa, do you worry that you’re contributing to the oncoming robot uprising?
If we got married and at some point had to join the witness protection program, what would you choose for your new name?
If you could have dinner with any five people from history and serve them a meal consisting of spray cheese, Circus Peanuts, and expired grocery store potato salad, whom would you choose?
If I sent you to the 1950s in a time machine, what useful information would you bring back for me?
If aliens invaded Earth, would you join the human rebellion despite the personal risk, or would you survive by ingratiating yourself with the aliens and selling out your neighbors?
If you were bitten by a zombie, would you (1) immediately end your life before you turn in order to protect others, (2) risk saying goodbye to your loved ones first, or (3) follow the adage “If you can’t beat ʼem, join ʼem!” and live your best zombie life?
If you were in a plane that crash-landed on a desert island, and you and the other passengers were slowly starving to death, would you bring up cannibalism first or wait for someone else to suggest it?
If you end up rejecting me at the altar, how would you feel if I revealed your deepest, darkest secrets to achieve my dream of becoming an Instagram microinfluencer?

How to Avoid Scams That Target Senior Citizens Like You and Me

Thu, 10 Mar 2022 20:17:19 +0000

Greetings, fellow seniors, and welcome to our own little corner here on The Computer.com. It’s me, your old pal and champion Gus Henderson! Like me, you probably found this place when you typed “something nice for a senior citizen on a fixed income” into the little white space at the top of the screen in your gadget you don’t know why you need that your daughter’s know-it-all-husband bought for you for Christmas that year before she finally dumped the bum. As a fellow Old, I don’t have to tell you that I’ve got a lot of time on my hands, being one of society’s elders and not being allowed to work, or even drive to the store any more, leaving me plenty of time to reflect and offer up some chestnuts of common sense and wisdom.
All that free time and having a mind that’s still sharp as a tack because of The Daily Jumble and playing along with Wheel of Fortune, thank you very much, also leaves you open to be scammed. Scammers are always targeting us Olds. Here’s a statistic I read in the AARP pamphlet at Dr. Metcalf’s office: 99 percent of scams successfully perpetrated against the elderly are instigated against old people, old people just like you and me! That’s horrifying, and you know those fat cats in Congress aren’t going to do anything about it. Luckily, you’ve got Gus to tell you what you should be vigilant against out there. Here are the most common scams targeting seniors right this second.
THE HARRY TRUMAN
What happens is that someone calls you and says that they are President Harry S Truman, and that he needs you to re-enlist in the Army because the Japanese Imperialist Army is back in action and must be stopped. That’s all well and good, and surely a noble cause to be a boy in blue. But here’s the kicker: they’ll ask you to pay an “enlisting fee” of $5,000 in the form of a cashier’s check or money order immediately. This is, of course, a bald-faced lie. There’s no such thing as a $5,000 enlisting fee. When I paid it last year, it was only $4,000. I expect to ship out just as soon as I get my marching orders.
THE MAGAZINE SCAM
There’s a magazine for all kinds of interests these days, from history, to World War II, to the good ol’ days. But if a magazine man comes to your house selling subscriptions for what he claims to be a good price or for a good cause, turn him down, because you can be sure as Sam that he’s going to try to sell you a subscription to Pictures of Your Grandkids Magazine. Sadly, this magazine doesn’t exist, and apparently neither does a post office in my daughter’s town, because she hasn’t sent me any pictures of my grandkids in plum near five weeks. (She’s sent them to me on the computer, but I can’t figure out how to print them.)
BUTTERSCOTCH
I never liked hard candies until I retired from the plant two decades ago, but then, BAM, retirement hit and I couldn’t wait to tear into a cellophane sack full of butterscotch discs from the greengrocer. Not only does the flavor last a long time, but they are very affordable, and I am on a fixed income, sir. I must not be the only one because one of the most famous scams against old people is to send us a form in the mail to enroll us in the Butterscotch Disc of the Month Club. The mimeographed brochure will promise you 100 butterscotch discs delivered to your home each month for the reasonable price of $3.95. I don’t think I have to tell you that those butterscotch discs will never arrive.
ANDREWS SISTERS MARRIAGE SCAM
A variation of the old “lonely hearts” deal, in which a nice enough, easy on the eyes lady will try to get to be your lady friend, marry you, then divorce you and take you for all that you’re worth. That happened to my buddy, Joe, back in 1973. You know Joe. Nicest guy in the world, got a big heart, but it’s always getting him in trouble. Something about Sandy didn’t seem right when I met her at their wedding down at the VFW, and sure enough, six months later, Sandy’s gone and so are Joe’s stamps, coins, and medicine. Well, whoever makes up t...

Every Interview With a 1970s Hollywood Producer

Tue, 08 Mar 2022 22:36:52 +0000

Legendary Hollywood producer Felix Bergmann will be receiving Oscar gold at the upcoming Academy Awards in the form of an honorary statue for “stereotypical 1970s batshit contributions to the industry.”
I had the misfortune of being assigned the task of interviewing Bergmann at his Beverley Hills bungalow, where he now mostly putters around in isolation and complains about athletes taking a knee.
With pink-lensed glasses taking up his entire face and a cigar stuffed inside his mouth, Mr. Bergmann brought me to his office – a shrine to commemorate his long-gone Hollywood heyday. There, you’ll find relics like the paper moon from Paper Moon. There’s a lock of Ali McGraw’s hair kept under glass.
After he downs half a bottle of unlabeled brown alcohol, we’re ready to get down to business.
Interviewer: Mr. Bergmann, you haven’t made a movie in twenty-four years. What have you been doing?
Bergmann: Oh, you know. Life kind of just got in the way, I suppose. Sitting in box seats at my Mighty Ducks games and painting little army figurines take up most of my time now.
Interviewer: You grew up in Nebraska City, Kansas – the sugar beet capital of the Midwest. Tell me about your childhood.
Bergmann: Great depression. Dog named Lucky. Tragically dead sibling. Beat with leather strap. Escape to movie theatres. Loss of virginity in a car. Discovery of cheating high-school girlfriend shapes rest of life.
Interviewer: When did you know you wanted to get into the movie business?
Bergmann: I defiantly left town in 1956 by hopping on a train. It went west to Los Angeles. I walked the streets day and night looking for work, and just my luck, Golden Apple Pictures was in the market for a new elevator boy.
Interviewer: Excuse the pun, but how did you move up from there?
Note: It took four hours for Mr. Bergmann to excuse the pun and agree to continue.
Bergmann: Moe Martin would ride my elevator; he was the president of Golden Apple then. I’d joke every morning that I wouldn’t let him out of the elevator unless he let me make a movie. We would laugh and laugh. Then one day, I did it. We had an eight-day stand-off, but the next thing I knew, I was producing Doris Day in the 1961 comedy classic Slap Her Silly.
Interviewer: You do have a history of using threats and violence. It is true you once pulled the pin off of a grenade to make Warren Beatty agree to star in Don’t Walk Now?
Bergmann: Pure hogwash. I’ve never even seen a grenade in my whole life. It was a thermal detonator.
Interviewer: So.. where did you get your inspiration?
Bergmann: Well, most of the projects that came my way at that time were formulaic candyfloss. Musicals like Toot! Toot! Toot! Toot! Toot! or Help! I’m Dancing Too Fast. I did a few of those beach pictures. No inspiration required. Tragically, and when I say tragically, I mean luckily, Moe Martin mysteriously died in 1967, and I was named the new head of the studio.
Interviewer: So, I take it Sexy Gogo Twist Machine was your idea?
Bergmann: I did come up with that one, yes! I turned down a “Story By” credit, I might add. But it really managed to tap into the zeitgeist and usher the studio into a new era.
Interviewer: Exactly how much cocaine did you do in the 1970s?
Note: Bergmann stands up, proceeds to get a ladder, and climbs to the second to last step on the ladder, so he can hold out his hand and give an accurate representation regarding the height of a mass cocaine mountain.
Interviewer: There’s no arguing that you had some seminal hits like Crooked Cop Against the Law in 1971 and Marguerite, the Sweaty Feminist in 1973, but how do you respond to critics of yours who felt your work became repetitive – even plagiarized from other movies?
Bergmann: Completely preposterous.
Interviewer: Some have said that Cleveland was just a rock n’ roll rip-off of Nashville.
Bergmann: No way.
Interviewer: How do you explain a boxing movie called Sandy coming out months after Rocky?
Note: Bergmann proceeds to shrug like Steve Urkel.
Int...

At the NYT Op-Ed Desk, We Pride Ourselves on a Rich Journalistic Tradition of Publishing Shit That Doesn’t Really Matter but Will Make Peopl

Tue, 08 Mar 2022 22:19:56 +0000

“I came to college eager to debate. I found self-censorship instead.” -New York Times, 3/7/22
Here at the New York Times op-ed desk, we pride ourselves on a long and rich tradition of journalistic integrity and sky-high standards. Well, maybe at some point we had journalistic integrity. These days, we mostly have a long tradition of publishing shit that doesn’t really matter but will make people mad on Twitter.
Look around, the world is in chaos. War and humanitarian crisis in Ukraine, a pandemic that has killed 6 million people worldwide, Florida is trying to make it illegal to say the word “gay,” and someone is screaming on The Bachelor.
So naturally, we chose to run an article about the thing with the highest stakes: a college student who is being so censored she has no choice but to write about it in America’s largest newspaper. It’s a tragedy that deserves the attention of our entire nation at this pivotal moment.
The New York Times is not a joke newspaper. We are serious about one thing and one thing only: bringing you the facts. And publishing a bunch of tepid, tired takes that we fully realize will make a lot of people pissed off on Twitter. Would you look at that. It worked! Journalism isn’t dead.
It’s the same strategy and thinking that has given us the courage to publish other marginalized and endangered voices that no other paper would dare lend a voice to. For example, two years ago we published the horrifying injustice of Tom Dever, a 27-month-old from the Upper East Side who was rightly shocked and terrified that he was not allowed to spit up milk all over the E-train.
We publish op-eds that make people think. The essays we publish challenge people’s beliefs of reality with thoughts like “Did I just black out for a second?” Our provocative storytelling changes minds, with readers thinking “Do I really need to renew my New York Times subscription. Maybe The Atlantic is a better idea after all.”
Powerful shit.
We knew not everyone would agree when we published the heartbreaking account of the kangaroo trainer from Australia who moved to the Netherlands, realized there are no kangaroos in the Netherlands, hated it, and wanted somewhere to complain. A survey of our readers found that the story profoundly impacted their day, with 87 percent saying they spent more than 15 minutes sobbing to their therapist about why a giant newspaper was publishing total garbage and kept rejecting them.
We’re not in the business of making friends. We’re in the business of spitting out half-baked cancel-culture articles with no real merit or backbone that systematically reduce America’s trust in journalism institutions. We’re brave. And no one can silence us. Except ourselves.
Check back next week for a groundbreaking piece by a ghost from 1887 who doesn’t understand traffic lights. It won’t enlighten you but it will confuse you. That’s what we’re all about.
new yo

BOOK EXCERPT: Eating Salad Drunk

Mon, 07 Mar 2022 22:12:59 +0000

Sometime around the turn of the sixteenth century, in the hills of central Japan, a Buddhist monk emerged from his seclusion, knelt before the bed of his ailing father, and composed a verse so full of worldly wisdom that it stuns us yet today:
Even at the time
When my father lay dying
I still kept farting.
The author of this flatulent ode, Yamazaki Sokan, was one of the founders of haikai—the forerunner and namesake of haiku poetry—and this poem was among the world’s very first haikus.
There’s a lot we English-speaking moderns don’t understand (and misunderstand) about haiku poetry, but perhaps our greatest error is thinking that haikus need to be serious. From its earliest days, the heart of haiku poetry was humor. These three-line, seventeen-syllable poems—composed communally and in the informal, everyday language of Japan’s lower class—tended toward the lewd and crude, the comical and lighthearted, and poets like Yamazaki Sokan were as likely to wax poetic about ponds and dewdrops as they were about excrement and urination. (Nature is nature, after all.) The roots of the haiku, in fact, are right there in the word itself: haikai literally means “comic verse.”
My own association with haiku humor began the very day I learned what a haiku was. It was freshman year of high school. I was sitting in the back of English class, steeling myself for another dreary analysis of Wuthering Heights, when Ms. Connolly brought out a laminated poster printed with a three-line poem and tacked it on the wall. It was National Haiku Day, she explained, and today we would all try our hand at poetry.
The rules of the form were simple: three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables each. If Ms. Connolly—bless her heart—thought this exercise might lull us into a state of Zen relaxation, thereby buying her an hour’s peace and quiet, she was certainly disappointed. It exploded instead into a rowdy competition, with all the aspiring class clowns trying to outwit each other in three-line, seventeen-syllable bursts. Before long, we had taken this peaceful poetic form to where adolescent boys inevitably take all things: the offensive, gross, and scatological.
In a moment of divine inspiration (with a hint of bowel discomfort), I wrote this gem:
I stare at the clock
Waiting for the bell, so I
Can finally poop.
With a better understanding of haiku history, Ms. Connolly might have bestowed upon us all bonus points for channeling the great Sokan. Instead we got pop quizzes every day for the next week.
Stand-up comedy and haiku poetry—two art forms separated by continents and centuries—have more in common than one might think. Both rely foremost on concision: Each word must be arranged in the right syllabic rhythm, with the perfect beat and punch, for the work to be effective. (Rodney Dangerfield would have been a great haiku poet. So would Mitch Hedberg.) Both employ wordplay: Traditional Japanese haiku poets leaned heavily on double entendre and puns. (Nishiyama Soin was particularly fond of the phrase tsuki idete, which could mean either moon or erection, depending on the context.) And both abide (loosely) by the Rule of Three, a principle that holds that things that come in threes are inherently funnier or more compelling than items in other denominations: the Three Stooges, Three Amigos, Goldilocks and the Three Bears, and just about every bar joke you’ve ever heard (a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead; a priest, a rabbi, and a minister).
In joke telling, this three-item rule usually takes the form of two set-up lines followed by a punch line. Take this haiku by the New York comedian Myq Kaplan:
Star Wars. Star Trek. Dune.
Battlestar Galactica.
Girls don’t sleep with me.
Or this by the legendary Elayne Boosler:
Thought I saw Groucho.
Moustache, glasses, funny walk.
Close, but no cigar.
Or this shameful confession from Ray Romano:
Just killed a spider.
Didn’t have to, but he saw
Me masturbating.
A teacher friend of mine once told me that when s...

Little Debbie's Got A FAQ For You

Fri, 04 Mar 2022 17:29:50 +0000

Hi Little Debbie!
How’s it going? This is truly a thrill, as I’ve always been a fan of your snack cakes. Nothing like a Little Debbie snack cake at the end of a long school day! I’ve noticed recently that my favorite, the Zebra Cakes, aren’t available very often in stores. Is this just a supply chain issue? Please tell me that you haven’t stopped making them!
Antoine Gargler, PA
Hey yourself Antoine. Yeah, what a mess. We had to stop making the Zebra Cakes as it’s becoming more and more difficult to get the chunks of real zebra that go into each cake. I guess they’re close to being extinct or something? We’ll probably need to rebrand at some point, although I’ll admit that something like Horse Cakes doesn’t sound quite as appetizing.
Little Debbie, so nice to meet you! My fiance and I love your snack cakes! In particular the Strawberry Shortcake Rolls, they’re so tasty! In fact, my Brad asked me to marry him by using the snacks to spell out “Will you marry me?”!!. My reply would have been yes anyway, but the dozens of snack cakes didn’t hurt! LOL!
Sondra Horkie, TX
LOL? Jesus. Listen sweetie, you two should probably crawl out of your love-cocoon every now and then to watch the news. Those Strawberry Shortcake Rolls were recalled several months ago. If I’m remembering correctly, they were loaded with housing insulation and rat fecal matter. You may want to hold onto several boxes just in case your marriage doesn’t work out, though; if they haven’t killed your fiancé and yourself by now, just a few more could certainly do the trick.
Hey there Little Debbie! This is truly a trip!
I’ve been having something of a difficult time of late, I’m sorry to say. Things are rough in the world right now, am I right? I was wandering in a depressed haze through my local market when your Fancy Cakes snacks suddenly caught my eye. For whatever reason, childhood nostalgia perhaps, a bit of sunlight was able to break through the clouds. I quickly purchased the cakes and ate them in my car, enjoying my first happy moments in months. So, Little Debbie, I just wanted to say thank you! Thank you for the happiness that you bring into this difficult world!
Irving Scroedel, CA
Fancy Cakes? We still make those things? I always thought that “Fancy Cakes” sounded like the nickname of a kid who got beat up a lot in school. Sorry to hear about your problems, I guess. Everyone has problems, but not everyone bugs other people about them, you know? No offense or anything. I’ve had the FDA up my ass for the past eight months and you don’t hear me complaining.
Hey there LD!
May I just say that you are a godsend? My father was a figure in organized crime as a child, and after he testified in court against many of his business partners, my family had to be placed into witness protection. As you may expect, this is not always a perfect fit / solution, and so we were often on the move from state to state. Still, every state seemed to have grocery stores stocked to the gills with Little Debbie snacks. Which was always a comfort to me and my sisters. Thank you, and God bless!
Cassandra Blurgh, somewhere USA
Hey, thanks and all, but don’t knock the mob. They’ve been instrumental in the success of my brand, and have kept Dolly Madison and her cronies in the dimly lit corner of the snack aisle for decades. And if you are going to bad-mouth the mob, for fuck sakes keep me out of it.

Excerpt from Mick Jagger's Time in Analysis

Thu, 03 Mar 2022 22:04:20 +0000

THERAPIST: I’m glad you decided to come back and give this another try! How are you feeling?
MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no satisfaction.
THERAPIST: I’m sorry, one more time?
MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no satisfaction.
THERAPIST: Why do you say that?
MICK JAGGER: ’Cause I try and I try and I try and I try.
THERAPIST: Did something happen that triggered you?
MICK JAGGER: When I’m drivin’ in my car, and the man comes on the radio.
THERAPIST: Say more about that.
MICK JAGGER: He’s tellin’ me more and more about some useless information. Supposed to fire my imagination.
THERAPIST: Mmhmm.
MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no, oh, no, no, no.
THERAPIST: Mmhmm.
MICK JAGGER: Hey, hey, hey!
THERAPIST: I’m listening! Just writing some notes.
MICK JAGGER: That’s what I say.
THERAPIST: Yep, I heard you. I like to refer back to these after our sessions.
MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no satisfaction.
THERAPIST: So what I’m hearing is
MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no satisfaction.
THERAPIST: Exactly.
MICK JAGGER: I try and I try and I try and I try.
THERAPIST: Can you think of another activity that makes you feel so unsatisfied?
MICK JAGGER: When I’m watchin’ my TV.
THERAPIST: And what happens then?
MICK JAGGER: A man comes on and tells me how white my shirts can be. But, he can’t be a man ’cause he doesn’t smoke the same cigarettes as me
THERAPIST: Let’s hit pause. Tell me in your words what it means “to be a man.”
MICK JAGGER: I can’t.
THERAPIST: You can’t.
MICK JAGGER: Get no.
THERAPIST: Here, take a tissue.
MICK JAGGER: No, no, no.
THERAPIST: Okay. Well, is it possible that your ideas surrounding masculinity might be a bit.limited? Would you describe your father as a real ‘man’?
MICK JAGGER: Hey, hey, hey!
THERAPIST: Oh right. My apologies, Mick. I forgot, we’re not to go there.
MICK JAGGER: That’s what I say.
THERAPIST: I know.
MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no satisfaction.
THERAPIST: Isn’t this starting to feel a bit repetitive for you?
MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no girl reaction.
THERAPIST: That doesn’t sound like what you told me in last week’s session.
MICK JAGGER: ’Cause I try, and I try, and I try.
THERAPIST: I’m noticing a pattern.
MICK JAGGER: When I’m ridin’ ‘round the world, and I’m doin’ this and I’m signin’ that. And I’m tryin’ to make some girl, who tells me “baby, better come back, maybe next week.”
THERAPIST: Mmmm.
MICK JAGGER: Can’t you see I’m on a losing streak?
THERAPIST: Losing in what way?
MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no, oh, no, no, no.
THERAPIST: It can be hard to build trust, especially when you’re traveling so much and
MICK JAGGER: Hey, hey, hey.
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm?
MICK JAGGER: That’s what I say.
THERAPIST: I hear you. Unfortunately, I think that’s all the time we have. How does Thursday work for you?
MICK JAGGER: I can’t get
THERAPIST: Oh right, you have the concert. Are you looking forward to performing?
MICK JAGGER: No.
THERAPIST: Better come back, maybe next week?

I’ve Got My Online Security Locked Down

Thu, 03 Mar 2022 18:45:28 +0000

My pin number is my birthday, but literally no one remembers my birthday. Not even my mother, and she remembers everything. Like, when I was three and “let loose some Lady Grey” on the Oriental rug in the middle of her tea party. Maybe you should make that your pin number, Mother.
I only buy things on Amazon that I could instantly return, like moisture-wicking underwear, which is like totally cool to send back if it hasn’t yet wicked. It’s called “zero carbon footprint, eventually,” baby!
And just because I take security double-extra seriously, I’ve legally changed my name to “1234 Password.” Ahem, “1234 Password, PhD.”
I make sure and keep on top of my other passwords by loudly announcing them to everyone in line with me at the same Panera Bread, and immediately appointing the dude with glasses my “memory guy.”
My Twitter bio is 100% lies! Except the part about me living at 331 Greenbriar Terrace. You can find out where I live, but good luck on your next move after that, doxxers!
My Instagram backgrounds are not from my home, but from homes I couldn’t even dream of affording. Which I prove by listing all my bank details.
Accept all cookies? Uh, no. Wait, that means I have to read through something else? NOM NOMNOM!
I’m pretty confident that, by now, Alexa has learned to recognize that everything I say out loud in my house is actually me playing my ironic alter ego, “Brunhilde Von Aebleskiver.”
I make sure to cancel all “30-Day Free Trials” after some multiple of 30 has passed.
You need a credit card number? Joke’s on you, because every piece of my buying habits you get, I get a few points closer to a free scarf from Banana Republic.
I only click on links I see on Facebook if, like, I totally have to show Sheila. Because look, Zuckerberg, not even your billions are going to protect you from the wrath of Sheila’ FOMO.
Good luck stealing my birth certificate, Mr. Identity Thief (if that is your real name), since I’ve shredded it and made it the wallpaper on my phone!
Am I or am I not a robot? Figure it out for yourself, Blade Runner! (I am, and my IP Address is.)

If Cyrano de Bergerac Was an Episode of Catfish: The TV Show

Wed, 02 Mar 2022 23:03:51 +0000

ACT I:
NEV SCHULMAN: We’ve got an interesting one today from someone named Roxane.
KAMIE CRAWFORD: Let’s get to it.
[NEV unbuttons his shirt so a tuft of chest hair pokes out and begins reading Roxane’s message.]
NEV: Dearest Catfish – I think I met the love of my life, Christian. I saw him from afar and I just knew he was the one.
[Soft indie pop music plays during the voiceover]
NEV: He started sending me letters and wowza—this boy is a poet! I was even telling my big-nosed cousin Cyrano about how my boyfriend was so intellectual, but then.something weird happened. I don’t know what to think anymore, and I need help!
KAMIE: Wait, she’s seen this guy in person?
NEV: Let’s get her on the horn.
[ROXANE enters a Zoom call with NEV and KAMIE.]
ROXANE: Hey guys!
NEV: Roxane, let’s back up to the beginning with you and Christian. How did you meet?
ROXANE: Christian and I met at this play, and he’s like, so hot.
NEV: Was there anything else you liked about him, or.?
ROXANE: Oh, well, he’s proud, noble, young, fearless. But mostly just a total smokeshow.
KAMIE: Why do you need Catfish if you know Christian IRL?
ROXANE: Christian and I never actually “talked to each other” before he started sending me letters. It seemed like he was the most ravishing poet in the world. But then, he showed up at my house and what he was saying didn’t match the letters at all!
[KAMIE raises an eyebrow and waves a small red flag around.]
NEV: What do you mean?
ROXANE: He just kept saying “You’re hot, bae,” so I got annoyed and went inside until he started throwing rocks at my window. I went on my balcony to tell him off, but then he started reciting beautiful poetry like in the letters! Here’s the weird part: at first, he sounded normal, but then his voice changed. And he was hiding in a bush.
[KAMIE waves the red flag again.]
NEV: So, he’s never read poetry to you on video chat?
ROXANE: Well, recently he says he’s been away at the siege of Arras and apparently the WiFi is really spotty.
KAMIE: That doesn’t mean that he can’t find a Starbucks and jump on a FaceTime! This whole thing is sus.
NEV: Look, send us what you have on Christian and we’ll see what we can find out.
ACT II:
NEV: Roxane mentioned her cousin Cyrano, and it looks like he runs a poetry Instagram with only ten followers.
KAMIE: This post is verbatim one of the letters that “Christian” sent Roxane while he was allegedly “at the siege of Arras!”
[KAMIE waves five red flags in each hand and jumps up and down.]
NEV: Christian and Cyrano follow each other! So, maybe Cyrano is catfishing as Christian, or Christian is stealing Cyrano’s poems? I think Roxane is in for a rude awakening.
[Anxious indie pop music plays.]
ACT III:
NEV: While we’re waiting for “Christian” to join, Roxane, let me just ask you, if the letters were written by someone else, how are you going to feel?
ROXANE: I love him for his soul alone! His thoughts outshine his outer appearance!
[CHRISTIAN and CYRANO enter the Zoom. CHRISTIAN looks like a low-rent Hemsworth brother. CYRANO is basically just a normal dude but he has a big nose.]
CYRANO: Roxane. Your face aches with the pain of confusion.
CHRISTIAN: Hey bae.
ROXANE: My dearest Christian, and my beloved cousin! Please explain what’s going on!
CYRANO: Simple. Christian has conquering physical charm and I lent him my eloquence.
CHRISTIAN: I don’t write good.
NEV: But Cyrano, why didn’t you just write to Roxane as yourself?
[Melancholy indie pop plays]
CYRANO: I.have a big nose. I didn’t know if Roxane could accept that.
KAMIE: Also, she’s your cousin?
CYRANO: Well yeah, that too.
NEV: So wait, Cyrano, you wrote the letters, but Christian, you were talking to her from the bush?
CHRISTIAN: Nah, Cyrano was in the bush whispering to me, then I repeated it to Roxane. But then he wanted to use big words, so he just took over. And then Roxane and I made out.
KAMIE: Oh girl.
CYRANO: In retrospect, this was a plan most idiotic.
ROXANE: I have loved only one man, and he has catfi...

CARTOON: Brain Drain

Tue, 01 Mar 2022 21:34:21 +0000

Here’s Why We Have Privatized Our Little Free Library

Tue, 01 Mar 2022 21:24:30 +0000

Hello, fellow residents of the 600 block of Crestmont Road! Apologies as I realize this may be an abuse of the school carpool email list, but I feel that I owe our neighbors an explanation.
Following a contentious family meeting, the Myerson clan has privatized our little free library! My wife is stepping down as our little free library’s CEO, and I am proud to unveil our new paradigm-shifting, synergistic approach to on-demand book lending.
Little Free Library Plus!
Little Free Library Plus is everything you love about the Myerson’s little free library, but with the added convenience of having to pay for it. And, so much more!
No more waiting weeks to get your hands on a secondhand copy of “The Kite Runner” with the cover ripped off. For a small fee of just $7.99 a month, or $76.70 annually (a 20% discount!), you get full access to the Myerson’s entire catalog! And if a book you want isn’t available, well, just pick another one. Don’t be a jerk about it, ok? “The Alchemist” is good, so read that.
And for the kids, we’ve got all the Dr. Suess’ with the racist shit in ‘em!
Want even more of the Myerson’s creased and damaged books that we were just going to throw in the garbage anyway? Then check out our next membership tier – Little Free Library Plus Platinum Fast Pass! For an additional $129 a year, you are granted the ability to skip the line and wander into any Plus Basic members’ home and take their books, regardless of whether they’ve finished them or not! Go ahead and snatch that Koontz right out of Mr. Grunderson’s frail hands. He may be a war vet, but he’s not a member of this highly exclusive club!
And as an added bonus, Plus Platinum members can declare prima nocta rights on any new book I order from Amazon over the next 12 months for free (additional $2.99 a month after).
I realize there’s some concern that by privatizing my little free library, I may be “inclined” to push certain books by authors/driving range managers with “alternative viewpoints” just because they occasionally supply me with an extra bucket of balls. But, you can not prove that, and if you claim you can, you are a liar and I will ban you from Little Free Library Plus.
And remember, at Tiny Free Library Plus, we’re not just some greedy pricks looking to bilk regular folks out of their pocket change, we care about our community! That’s why, 100% of the profits made will go into helping revitalizing the neighborhood, by revitalizing my master bathroom, which will raise my property value, and subsequently all of our property taxes, and eventually, result in more money for our schools.
Oh, and a final note for members – Little Free Library Plus will be down for maintenance following another random baseball bat attack.

REVIEW: The Batman

Mon, 28 Feb 2022 20:32:17 +0000

It’s Emo Batman Versus the Zodiac Killer in a Reboot That—if Anything—Is Shorter Than Justice League
By default, Matt Reeves’ The Batman is the best film depicting the Caped Crusader since 2008’s The Dark Knight. And I say this with a giant asterisk, as I’m still working my way through Zack Snyder’s Justice League (2021). I pushed PLAY on that one last March and have since strategically parceled it out in convenient increments: four hours while my cat uses the treadmill, two hours during the recess at my divorce trial, six hours when I forgot to hit Priority Delivery on my PostMates order of Limburger cheese, etc.
I’m excited to finish it, too. Batman—in real time—just finished reading the entire Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series of books and has been inspired to crush crime. Yes, things are getting good.
I jest, of course. Justice League was FINE. Snyder’s version works as a film, but the fact that it takes 714 hours to tell that story almost negates this notion. It’s literally the same plot as all the Marvel movies. A weird alien dude comes to Earth looking for objects that he will use to destroy everything, and a team of superheroes must stop him. So Fanny and Alexander, it is not.
But I’m not here to disabuse anyone of the things they like. I do bring it up, however, because where the additional time helped Justice League, it’s the Achilles Heel of The Batman.
I rather enjoyed the first two-thirds of Reeves’ film. Where Snyder’s films went big, Big, BIG!, Reeves (Dawn of the Planet of the Apes) scales everything back in this reboot. Bruce Wayne, played by Robert Pattinson, has only been Batman for a couple years and is in the very rudimentary stages of his vigilante career. Unlike the invincible, lumbering hulk we’re used to, Pattinson’s portrayal has more in common with Paul Kersey from Death Wish (1974), in that he’s a weird, gritty night stalker. He’s efficient and mean, but vulnerable and rough around the edges.
(Except for the emo haircut. Thank God Charles Bronson didn’t live to see that haircut.)
Therefore, the film leans hard into the cunning detective aspect of Batman rather than the cool, ass-kicking superhero. And it’s all the better for it.
Teaming up with Lt. James Gordon (now played by Jeffrey Wright), Wayne hunts a deadly serial killer (Paul Dano) who dresses like the Zodiac Killer and leaves Zodiac-like ciphers for Batman to solve. It’s decidedly a different approach to the Riddler—and to be honest, I don’t remember if they even refer to him once by that name. Either way, we’re light years away from the wacky, camp-to-a-fault Jim Carrey/Joel Schumacher interpretation of the character.
So yeah, to sum things up: it’s Emo Batman versus the Zodiac. Pretty cool stuff.
In search of the Riddler, Batman must navigate the grimy criminal underbelly of Gotham City and the big personalities of Selina Kyle/Catwoman (Zoë Kravitz), Penguin (Colin Farrell in a distracting Fat Bastard suit), and bigtime mobster Carmine Falcone (John Turturro). He’s assisted along the way by his trusted valet, Alfred, played admirably here by Andy Serkis.
As a matter of fact, everyone is pretty good, including Pattinson. There’s enough meat and character in the film, that one could theoretically put the superhero angle in the back of their mind and imagine they’re simply watching a star-studded B-neo noir.
That is, until the final act where Reeves—almost like he’s nervous he didn’t deliver enough—aims for the fence with a huge and extremely unnecessary set piece, a turn so abrupt it doesn’t even feel like you’re watching the same film. I won’t give anything away, but I reckon this shift will be the topic of conversation amongst the fans and casual moviegoers.
However, for the first two hours, the always-reliable Reeves delivers a very watchable and unique Batman film. The toothpick-holding-your-eyes-open 176-minute runtime is the movie’s ultimate downfall, but even so, the total package is just enough to wash that Snyder taste out of yo...

Upcoming Family Interventions

Fri, 25 Feb 2022 17:46:39 +0000

Brother In-Law
It was agreed last year something would have to be done before Earl drove us all to financial ruin so this will be the first intervention of 2022, before indoor dining is back in full swing. We’ve all had enough of his sufferable vegan beer garden, trans frittata bar or truffle farm-to-plate bistro suggestions. Add any restaurant that begins with the word Un or La.
In a Wendy’s location TBA.
Mother
40 Cuisinart sauce pans is probably about 38 too many. Mom has been stockpiling chafing dishes and nonstick skillets, single-handedly driving William Sonoma’s economy. Addressing Mom’s hoarding problem was supposed to be last year but cancelled because no more than three people could fit in her house at one time.
Her mahjong group has volunteered we use their library room since they have their own beef to air with her.
Jennifer or Jessica, My Brother’s Girlfriend
None of us know for sure because of her Botox addiction. For the longest time we thought Chris was bringing a new girlfriend to each family function. We were shocked to learn they were all Jennifer (or Jessica—we’ve lost track.). Her friends can’t speak to her because they no longer recognize her, so it’s up to us to conduct an intervention that should have been happened procedures ago.
Sometime before swimsuit season.
Our Car Guy
Technically not family, Dad always said Gus is like family, so we have to do something or he will feel left out. It can be more of a roast– he has been overcharging us for two decades.
Location: The Olive Garden, “where they treat you like family.” Not our family but someone’s family.
Nephew Kyle
It’s just a question of corralling Kyle, now a fledgling electronics dance music artist living in my aunt’s basement with an iguana named Drogon, who sleeps till 3pm. We’re ignoring his laser, UFO, and Red Bull addictions and focusing on his name change, Marshmello Sax. We’ll have to trick him and say we want to buy fireworks or something.
Details to come.
Uncle Frank
We’ve survived three Trump Thanksgivings. What we cannot stand for is you now finding God.
If you get vaccinated, your favorite restaurant.
Little Nora
Who encouraged her to do stand-up? How many times will we have to driving around in the middle of the night looking for places called Funny Bones? Can we stop fake-laughing when my little niece does twenty minutes on getting groped in the Appleby’s parking lot? All reasonable questions to ask when we confront her
May 20th, at The Chuckle Shack in Mahwah, New Jersey.

Columbo Makes His Wife a Smoothie

Thu, 24 Feb 2022 20:56:46 +0000

Hi honey. I can see you’ve got your feet up. A well-deserved respite, certainly. Let me just say how proud I am of you for completing the 5K. You’ve trained so hard for that and made it to the finish line. That’s just remarkable. Your hubby can’t wait to brag to everyone down at the station.
Now, don’t you get up. Stay right where you are, because I have something I know you’ve been craving. That’s right, I’ve got your mango-pineapple smoothie right here for you, see. Let me tell you, while you were in the shower I’ve had a heck of a time with this thing. I could have sworn I’ve made a smoothie before. Like riding a bicycle, I thought I could easily pick it back up. Well, I assumed wrong.
First, I realize I got the tropical fruit mix that has those bananas you don’t like. And when I cut open the bag, it’s like the frozen fruit has a mind of its own, spilling and scattering all over the countertop. I have to stop Mittens after he hops up and starts playing with them. Little fella’s reeling from that cat nip.
Anyway, once I get all the fruit in the blender, you see, that’s when I get the juice. The juice! Believe it or not, honey, I’d just finished the juice this morning before your run. I was so clumsy I thought nothing of it. In my mind, there was another carton in the fridge. Boy was I wrong. It’s a good thing you took a well-deserved nap after your post-run shower. You probably heard me scrambling out the driveway to zip over to the super. Fortunately, they had enough juice in stock.
Well, when I get back, you’re just waking up—which is a good thing, as I’d forgotten how loud our blender can be. Now, maybe next Christmas we buy a new one, something quieter. I get my fifteenth-year detective’s increase, and though it’s not much, I can tell that with this running kick you’re on, you’ll want a whole boatload of smoothies.
Anyway, before you dive into this icy yellow concoction, let me tell you the time I had. I click the button on our blender and whamo! There goes juice and fruit chunks all over the kitchen. I’d forgotten to put the lid on the thing! Ah, geeze.
You can imagine what an imbecile I think of myself. Have no fear, hubby Columbo can be quick when he wants to. Like a 200 meter dash, I’m sponging, cleaning, sanitizing—even wiping down Mittens. Poor guy got covered in tropical detritus. He’ll be busy licking himself for the foreseeable future. I know you’ll soon be down to settle in your spot on the couch. A well-deserved settle, honey, I might add. This is when you probably heard the blender go off, again—this time with the lid on!
Now, mid-blend something dawns on me. I notice an odd ratio between frozen fruit and juice. Could it be that I’ve mixed them up? I can see by your nodding that you know me all too well. Instead of 2 cups of fruit to 1 cup of juice, I flipped it. So essentially, instead of a smoothie, I’m making you a more refined juice! Columbo, you klutz.
Don’t worry, honey. While you’re putting your feet up, I am rectifying the situation. I’m adding more fruit, making sure to take out the banana chunks you don’t like. To get the consistency just right, I’m hitting all the blender buttons—“mix,” “blend,” “churn,” and “whip.” Honey, this time I think I’ve done it. Why don’t you take a sip?
Uh oh. I can tell by the sour face I left bananas in there, didn’t I? You know, I must’ve thrown out the mangos and kept the bananas, instead. They both look practically identical when they’re frozen. Oh, I’m sorry, honey. What’s that you got? Is that—what is that you’ve found? Ah, geeze. That must be a wood chunk from the end of our wooden spoon I used at the top to help mix the blender’s contents. The blades must have scraped a few pieces off. I didn’t think it’d be that big of a piece.
Well, this has been a disaster. And I know you were looking forward to my making you a smoothie all week. I don’t know why you put up with me—after such a poor reward for your hard-earned accomplishment. I’ll tell you what, honey. How ...

Devin Nunes Addresses Beta Tester Feedback Amid Soft Launch Of Trump’s New Social Media Platform

Thu, 24 Feb 2022 19:07:54 +0000

“Donald Trump’s new social media venture, Truth Social, appears set to launch in Apple’s App Store on Monday, according to posts from an executive on a test version viewed by Reuters, potentially marking the return of the former president to social media on the U.S. Presidents Day holiday.” –Reuters
“We’re doing something that’s really, Maria, it’s such a great opportunity for President Trump, for me.” –Former Representative and current CEO of the Trump Media & Technology Group Devin Nunes on Sunday Morning Futures with Maria Bartiromo
The soft launch of Truth Social marks former President Trump’s reemergence on social media, and we here at the Trump Media and Technology Group want to make sure we do it right. Our goal is to give users what they actually want – a platform to connect with others and post death threats with reckless abandon and zero repercussions.
We couldn’t have done it without our beta testers, hand-picked via phishing emails lying about what the website was, who would be running it, and how it was going to be funded. As the CEO of Trump Media & Technology Group, I wanted to take this opportunity to address some of the feedback we received, as well as to highlight a few of Truth Social’s key features.
While some beta testers loved the ability to post their truths with zero oversight, others were concerned about the proportion of posts that said Covid-19 is a government mind control experiment pioneered by Nancy Pelosi. Some beta testers also had reservations about the amount of hate speech on the site. We took this into consideration, and allowed for even more hate speech, which is what we think they wanted.
Many beta testers said the site was slow, laggy. Well, sorry we don’t want any Silicon Valley Tech Oligarch freaks on our payroll. I took a Khan Academy coding class over the holidays, and I happen to think I did a good job building the website for a beginner. And remember when the Obamacare website crashed? Let’s focus on that instead.
Our platform also includes cool features, such as zero community guidelines. In general, people did seem a little uncertain about what they could and couldn’t say on Truth Social. In an effort to clear things up ahead of the soft launch, I just wanted to emphasize that all types of discourse are allowed and encouraged on our app – conspiracy theories, racism, death threats – anything that might get you banned on other sites, we welcome on Truth Social. This is a safe space for the incitement of violence and promotion of hate.
Now, some may view it as hypocritical that I’m championing such an “anything fucking goes” site when I once filed a massive lawsuit against a Twitter user pretending to be my cow. Let me be clear: this was not me attempting to infringe upon free speech, this was me preventing targeted defamation and harassment of the bovine variety against me. You would have done the same. This will not be an issue on Truth Social, as we will simply disappear accounts that choose to harass me. Everyone else is fair game, though.
We received numerous reports of a burgeoning black market facilitating the trafficking of highly illicit goods and services directly on the main feed of Truth Social. I just want to reiterate that, at the end of the day, we’re capitalists and fervent supporters of the free market. This app has created jobs – granted, mainly jobs for hitmen, unlicensed prescription drug peddlers, and taxidermy hobbyists – and I don’t see how that could be anything but a good thing.
On Truth Social, we believe that money is king. While on other apps, ‘Following’ people simply means getting updates from them on your feed and seeing what they post to their public profile – on Truth Social, for the right price, ‘Following’ can mean whatever you want it to mean: following someone’s profile, following them home, whatever. If you pay for it, you can have it.
This also begs the question: what are we planning to do with our user’s data? Again: If you pay for it, you ...

Cap'n Crunch's Most Irritating Pet Peeves

Tue, 22 Feb 2022 14:10:06 +0000

People on the street who ask if he’s a member of The Village People.
Social media bullying from those horrible Honeycomb Kids.
Due to Cialis / Viagra allergies, not able to “stay crispy in milk” anymore, if you know what we mean.
Despite being a fan of Trump, agitated by people who stormed the Capital while wearing costumes very similar to his military uniform.
That Trix rabbit, who is far more popular a cereal mascot, despite clearly being a pervert. I mean, have you seen those commercials?! He’s obviously trying to lure those kids with that damned delicious cereal!!
No one ever takes him seriously when he asks them to walk the plank.
During his yearly physical for the Quaker Oats company, the attending doctor always asks to see his “crunch-berries” before asking him to cough.
The constant calls and accusations from reporters since the discovery of several of his mustache hairs at the Spahn Ranch Charles Manson compound. Like he’s said hundreds of times already, they were casual friends long before all of the kooky cult stuff.
Pirates making fun of him for having both eyes.
Chloe Kardashian’s stalking claims blown way out of proportion by the media.

Wow, I Thought I Was Having A Psychotic Episode But It Was Just That Weird Suction Noise My Water Bottle Makes

Tue, 22 Feb 2022 07:30:40 +0000

What a relief! Here I was thinking the satanic synapses finally got to me, that the voices in my head were speaking up and taking hold. But it was actually my water bottle doing that little pressurized air noise that happens for some reason.
And, yes, my overactive imagination probably had something to do with it too. You know me, always getting carried away!
Here I was thinking I’d lost my mind for good, that there’d be no chance of returning to my serene former life. That life would be a distant memory as my once quiet subconscious would be overrun with utter madness. It was a good thing to be wrong about!
It was disturbing how quickly I just accepted it. I felt a weird sense of relief almost immediately. I remember thinking “Well, I made it pretty far before finally slipping into the abyss. Gotta be some kind’ve record. Should have our own Olympics for people like me. I could compete. Probably do well.”
Alas, my water bottle was just making the tiny man screaming noise. I guess it occurs when the seal is not completely airtight or something. It’s hard to say. Or it really is a tiny man screaming. I think he’s screaming something about self flagellating 22 times on the 22nd night of February 2022 at 22:22 military time as foretold in the scriptures.
Nah! Though, it did sound like my sleep paralysis demon’s second wife so I shouldn’t judge myself too harshly for jumping to conclusions.
Well that’s strange because just as I was thinking this whole thing through, I seem to have misplaced my water bottle. Did I imagine it was there the whole time? That’s odd. So I guess that means I’m hearing and seeing things that aren’t really here too. And there’s that sound again. Sounds like a couple discussing an upcoming trip to the pharmacy while an episode of NPR’s Fresh Air plays in the background. Their tea kettle is coming to a boil. Yeah, it’s coming in clear now.
Oh, here’s my water bottle! I set it down over here! I am such a klutz today.
My last bout with this sentient tinnitus came from the same water bottle a few months ago in the middle of the night. The squealing interrupted one of my recurring dreams where I was Jack Nicklaus on the 18th hole at Augusta in the 1986 Masters Tournament. I was lining up for my final putt when the noise started. Storm clouds rolled in and the wind tussled the blonde hairs of my signature bowl cut. Something was very wrong.
Distracted by the sudden weather and not wanting a possible rain delay to kill my momentum, I rushed my final stroke and missed. The crowd groaned in disappointment. As I trotted off the course in defeat, I saw one man tear up his “Jack is back” sign and mutter to his friend, “Jack is wack.” My long-time caddie Angelo Argea could barely look me in the eye. I would not overcome the largest deficit in my professional career and my ears would not stop ringing.
I woke in a frenzy, running around my house destroying everything I thought might be creating the noise. No matter how many holes I created headbutting the walls in search of the noise or plates I smashed over my ears or mattresses that I tossed out the second story window, nothing was working. I was panting, convinced the noise would never stop. Needing a drink after the melee, I unscrewed my water bottle. The noise ceased.
Looking around at the broken glass and furniture all around me, I realized Boy oh boy, do I sure feel like a goofball.
If I had any sense I would’ve thrown the water bottle away with the mattresses. Instead I vowed to never let it happen again because my ego wouldn’t let me admit defeat against the slightly trill noise generated by a stationary Nalgene. Lesson learned.
What I should do now is use a gasoline jug to carry my water in because only gasoline jugs have that little valve that allows air to escape noiselessly! Sure, it might raise some concern that I’m drinking from a thing meant for machines but at least it won’t scream inexplicably to a point where it’s causing me to question my own sanity...

Welcome to Our Town’s Walking Tour Where We Choose to Focus on Abraham Lincoln’s Visit Here and Not That Famously Bad Thing That Happened in

Fri, 18 Feb 2022 21:10:44 +0000

Thank you for meeting me here under this lamppost at 3:30PM, and welcome to my hometown’s walking tour. As most of you know, our town is famous because – for a 22-hour period of time – our nation’s 16th president, Abraham Lincoln, stayed here. Yep, that’s what we’re known for. Nothing else. No matter what a certain HBO documentary might lay out in graphic detail. Anyway, let’s get started!
The first stop on the tour is actually right around the corner from this YMCA. In the parking lot, you will see a sign that says “Lincoln Slept Here” – but don’t worry, he slept in a house! We did, however, demolish the house. We needed the extra parking space so everyone could attend the weekly self-defense classes. It’s what Lincoln would have wanted (it’s also what our town mandated after the disappearances began).
If you look to your left, you’ll see where the town infirmary used to be. During his visit, Lincoln got a couple stitches in his left hand there after a stray dog bit him. Now it’s a sports bar. They’ve got a great patio, but if I were you I’d opt for a seat inside. We haven’t quite kicked the stray dog problem. Although, people in this town know there are far more sinister things in this world than stray dogs.
Anyhoo, up ahead is where the Appellate court house once stood. As you can see, it is now a CVS. But before it was a CVS, it was a Blockbuster. You know who once visited that Blockbuster? Emma Stone! More like La La Land of Lincoln, am I right? And you know who worked in that Blockbuster? The same guy who committed all those gruesome – whoops, sorry about that, accidentally reverted to the old script.
Real quick, this isn’t part of the tour, but I lost my car keys here last week, so can you all please keep your eyes peeled for a Honda CRV fob? It’s brown and has a key chain on it that says “In My Town, Every Car’s a Lincoln.” It’s a play on our old town slogan, “In My Town, Everyone’s a Suspect.”
Now this stop is one of my favorites. In addition to being the location where “you know who” (and I’m not talking about Lincoln), would leave trophies of his victims, the “Lincoln” Memorial Bench marks the spot of the former local watering hole. According to documents, a brothel was run out the back and people were known to have sex on the balcony in plain sight. Today it sits outside of a CVS. We’re very lucky to have two CVS’s.
On your left, you’ll notice a dark and scary alleyway. Follow me! See that brick wall? Based on courtroom sketches, we can confidently say this is where Lincoln was bit by the dog. I hate that I have to say this on all the tours, but please stop tagging it. The bricks are very old and power washing “the true killer still lives” off them every two weeks is causing them to rapidly erode.
Well, here we are: the town square. This is the final stop on our tour, and the culmination of Lincoln’s visit to our town. Here, Abraham Lincoln gave a rousing stump speech ahead of his travels to Gettysburg. As you know, Lincoln is famous for his superior oratory skills. While most of his words from that day were sadly lost to time, one line remains undisputed: “I have chosen my next victim. You will mourn him half as much as you will fear me.” Hey, which one of you pranksters wrote in my notebook? That’s not what Lincoln said. What he really said was: “I want that dog that bit me dealt with.”
And that’s it! Thank you for visiting our lovely town and coming on this tour. As you go out into the world, I hope you think of us as a place forever tied to the history of the great Abraham Lincoln, and not – as we were formerly known – “Bludgeonsburg, the location of the horrific 1988 Summer of Bludgeonings.”

9 Interesting Facts About Babies For People Thinking About Having One

Wed, 16 Feb 2022 20:18:15 +0000

Most babies are not able to care for themselves
Sure, some babies are a bit more autonomous than others, but for the most part, you are going to be the one caring for your baby. Don’t expect to just have a baby and then be able to check in periodically to see how it’s doing, unless you’re incredibly wealthy, in which case, you probably can do that. On the whole, parents should plan on being the ones who care for their baby.
Babies are not immediately able to walk
This one can sometimes frustrate new parents. When a baby is born, they do not have the ability to walk right away. So instead they crawl. As a result of this, babies often have a difficult time keeping up while on hikes or at music festivals. However, as time passes, the baby will naturally gain motor skills and learn to walk, largely, on their own. Meaning you won’t have to teach them something they should already know how to do.
Babies won’t apologize for things
Babies can be a little head-strong and sometimes have difficulty saying sorry for the things they do. Expecting your baby to be the one to extend an olive branch when you two have a tift is a fool’s errand. Whether your baby is waking you up in the middle of the night, throwing up on your favorite shirt, or just generally adding stress to your life, don’t expect them to say sorry, ever.
Babies do not eat regular adult foods right away
It’s a bit of a bummer for a lot of new parents when they realize that their baby does not like the same foods they do. Don’t be shocked if your baby doesn’t want to split a Rueben with you at the pub or have some of the fries that you ordered for the table at your favorite restaurant. Nope, when babies are born they can really only have breast milk, formula, and some weird puree type foods. It’s a pretty limited palate to be honest, so get ready to have to prepare separate meals for your baby. Which is, admittedly, kind of a pain.
Babies do not come toilet-trained
Unfortunately, it’s true. Children are not born with the ability to use a toilet, urinal, or porta-john. This is something you must teach them as they mature. When a baby has to go to the bathroom, they’ll just do it regardless of the surroundings or situation. You might think, okay well, at least they can clean up after themselves when they’re done, right? No, when your baby makes a mess in their pants, you’re responsible for cleaning it up. Seems pretty backwards, I know, but with babies that’s just the deal.
Baby clothes are smaller than adult clothes
This one tends to trip people up. Some people envision a scenario wherein they will be able to share clothes with their baby like they did their college roommate or siblings growing up, but in general it doesn’t usually work out that way. Babies are much smaller than adults and as such, their clothes won’t fit us and our clothes won’t fit them. That’s why I always tell people that having a baby as a means of doubling your wardrobe isn’t a great idea.
Babies do not contribute financially
It might seem a little unfair, but most babies do not feel compelled to go out and find work so as to contribute to the bottomline of a home. They will eat your food, want you to buy them clothes and other basic necessities, and force you to pay for their doctor’s visits, all without bringing anything to the table monetarily. And what’s worse, they won’t even acknowledge their own freeloading. If you’re looking for someone to share expenses with, consider getting married or finding a business partner, but don’t try having a baby because they’ll just mooch off of you for as long as they can.
A baby’s appearance will change over time
Don’t freak out when you have a baby and you think Whoa, are they going to look like that forever? They won’t, I promise. As time passes, a baby’s appearance will change and they will become taller, gain weight, grow hair, and so on. Just like you did!
Your baby will not come out of the womb having seen any of your favorite movies
A personal frustration...

How Romeo and Juliet Would Have Ended if Written By Children's Authors

Tue, 15 Feb 2022 22:49:06 +0000

Frank Baum
Juliet awakens and sees Romeo lying on the ground. A house has fallen on him.
JULIET: Oh, Romeo. I don’t think we’re in Verona anymore.
Juliet clicks her heels together three times.
JULIET: There’s no place like Rome. There’s no place like Rome. There’s no place like Rome.
Lady and Lord Capulet enter, along with Friar Lawrence and Nurse.
JULIET: It wasn’t a dream. It was real. You were there, and you, and you, and you! And you’re all to blame for Romeo’s death!
Judy Blume
Juliet, alone in her room, leans against her bed to pray.
JULIET: Are you there, God? It’s Me, Juliet. I just kissed this boy at a party and it turns out my family hates him! I should probably listen to them, but he’s so cute! Please help me decide. I’ve waited so long for my period, and it still hasn’t come. My mother said she was eleven when her period arrived, which makes me worry. If my period comes, I’ll take it as a sign that I should not date Romeo.
Romeo enters, calling for Juliet.
ROMEO: Sweet lady, can I kiss you again?
Juliet’s face lightens up, she approaches her balcony. Then, her face drops as her hands drop to her belly. She bends over in pain. Juliet has gotten her period.
Lewis Carroll
Enter Friar John, who was supposed to deliver a letter to Romeo notifying him of Juliet’s plan, but was prevented from entering Mantua due to the plague.
Friar John yells at the city’s walls.
FRIAR JOHN: I’M LATE! I’M LATE!
Friar John spots a hole nearby. He dives inside to be alone with his regret.
Roald Dahl
In Friar Lawrence’s shack, Juliet asks for a way to avoid marrying Paris, as she is already married to Romeo.
JULIET: You want me to fake my own death? You must be positively dotty!
FRIAR LAWRENCE: Rude, insolent girl. Either follow my orders or GO TO THE CHOKEY!!!
JULIET: I may be small, but I do have telekinetic powers.
Juliet uses her powers to pilfer coins from Friar Lawrence’s collection plate. She escapes with Romeo.
FRIAR LAWRENCE: Rotten, star-crossed maggots.
Maurice Sendak
Juliet refuses to marry Paris, so her parents send her to her room without dinner.
LADY CAPULET: If you do not get married, you will become a wild thing!
Juliet stomps to her room and fastens her favorite wimple around her head: the one with ears sewn onto the top.
That night, a forest grows in Juliet’s room, covering her balcony in vines. She climbs down her balcony and races into the forest where she will meet strange beasts with glowing yellow eyes who roar at her.
JULIET: Be quiet!
As a teenager, Juliet has mastered staring down her enemies. The wild things cower in fear. They declare her Queen of the Wild Things, which is a way better title than any she could earn through marriage.
Laura Ingalls Wilder
After Romeo learns of his exile, he visits her again at her balcony.
ROMEO: Oh Juliet, let’s run away together! We can move out west!
JULIET: But, what will Ma and Pa say? They’ll miss me terribly!
ROMEO: Think of the life we can have together. I’ll hitch a covered wagon, we’ll buy us a little ol’ farm. Your controlling parents will be miles and miles away!
Nurse, who has been eavesdropping as per usual, steps in between the couple.
NURSE: Romeo, you’re a noble. Do you even dress yourself without the help of a servant? Your ability to speak in poetic verse is no prerequisite for surviving on a prairie.
Romeo, deeply offended, sulks as he descends the balcony. A horse gallops towards Romeo, quickening its pace. Romeo, too distracted by his own melancholy, is trampled by the horse.
Dav Pilkey
Below is an excerpt from Pilkey’s new novel: Lord Undergarments and the Definitely Doomed Lover of Verona
The Apothecary, whom Romeo consulted to buy poison, is rearranging items on his shelf. He grabs a bottle and inspects the label.
APOTHECARY: Oh, it seems like I didn’t sell that guy a bottle of poison after all. All I’m missing is my hypnosis powder, which makes people turn into the action hero of their dreams.
MEANWHILE: in the Capulet’s tomb, Romeo has stripped down t...

What You Saw Last Night Was a Natural Expression of Love Between Two People With CPAP Machines

Tue, 15 Feb 2022 22:17:54 +0000

We want you to know that despite how it may have looked, we’re completely fine, and even quite refreshed. We were never in danger, aside from the slight risk of toxin seepage from your father’s recalled Phillips Respironics Dream Station.
The truth is that we would never choose to offer a teachable moment this particular way – a thrash of nude bodies, cords, distilled water, and so on – and all we can do is reassure you that it is completely normal for the initial exposure to a CPAP machine to make you feel like you might asphyxiate. Yes, that’s exactly right! Like you could literally die.
The point is that not only is everything fine, but we think you’re old enough now to discuss something special that grown-ups have done throughout time – which is to adapt nearby resources into their lovemaking routines, whether these are food items, professional uniforms, or prescription-only equipment the insurance company provides for respiratory therapy. Sometimes, couples who share a diagnosis of obstructive sleep apnea discover that they also share an interest in experimentation with forcing pressurized air through hose delivery systems, thus accidentally revolutionizing their sex lives. We hope that one day you find someone you love this much, and when you do, you can entrust them with your heated tubing. It won’t matter whether you opt for a mask or nasal pillows, only that the pressure is positive and continuous.
We understand that when you first learn that adults regularly blow open more than one of their obstructed passageways, you may feel overwhelmed. That’s normal! It is totally legitimate to have questions about what you may have glimpsed – the humidifier tubs or the elaborate configuration of Velcro headgear straps. Nothing is off limits. So, ask whatever you want. We’re not embarrassed.
In fact, to be honest, it’s a relief finally to tell you the ways our lives have improved. You probably remember that we used to be exhausted all the time, dozing off at your piano recitals and birthday parties, with no energy to move from the couch at night, let alone to have very special “adult hugs.” Now, if we gasp forty times an hour, it is totally unrelated to respiratory failure, and every orifice feels like a breath mint. If we hit each other all night, it’s not to stop the snoring, if you see what we mean. And what’s more, we still have energy in the morning to clean the garage, do some quilting, and complete a Tae Bo video before work.
When you do meet someone special, we hope you’ll bring up your interest in CPAP machines early and without shame. And please note that we will not judge you if you find yourself in single CPAP relationship. In fact, we know that we will need to be there for you more than ever — because you’re really going to have so much down time when you’re better rested than your partner.
While you’ll appreciate our candor one day in the future, the level of awkwardness you feel right now seems to have triggered oxygen desaturation. The color has totally drained out of your face, reminiscent of an apnea-hypopnea index over 30. So, yes, we’ll drop it. And certainly, we will entertain your suggestion to put a lock on our bedroom door.
Meanwhile — If you hear a whooshin’, don’t come a-pushin’.

CARTOON: Pet Influencer

Fri, 11 Feb 2022 20:15:55 +0000

Our Valentine’s Day Prix Fixe Menu Does NOT Allow for Substitutions, Because YOU MADE A COMMITMENT TO IT

Fri, 11 Feb 2022 19:22:59 +0000

Five Course Valentine’s Day Prix Fixe
Welcome to Valentine’s Day at Sel de la Coeur. Though this year I have personally suffered a blindingly painful divorce, I hope you enjoy our romantic menu nevertheless.
Please note: There will be NO substitutions permitted.
I know what it’s like to be replaced, and I will not have my menu items disrespected in the same way.
You committed to this meal for better or for worse.
-Chef Annette
Cocktail
The Sparkling Violet
Our Champagne and Creme de Violette creation was made just for you, so it would be goddamn ungrateful to reject it. Did you know I devoted nearly a quarter of my life to learning the art of mixology? Almost as many years as I spent moonlighting as a line chef at Bugaboo Creek in my twenties, in order to support my now ex-husband as he pursued his Master’s in “The Narrative Logic of Postmodernism.” If you prefer a glass of Rosé, know that I would have preferred my husband not to leave me for my daughter’s SAT tutor. We all want things.
Starter
Maine Oysters
A dozen freshly shucked aphrodisiacs that will set your pheromones tingling– an experience I’ve only had in the past five years during my late night viewings of “Call Me by Your Name.” They say inside every oyster is a pearl, but sometimes there’s no pearl, and also no diamond, or any piece of jewelry ever, unless you count a cubic zirconia engagement ring that ominously shattered two days after we eloped to the chilly shores of Kennebunkport. Anyway, if these oysters aren’t to your liking, welcome to existence.
Appetizer
Single Lump-Crab-Cake
One lonely Maryland crab cake: seared to a delicate golden brown, salted with tears from my guttural sobbing. No, you may not order a second because this meal is FIXE. The two of you will just have to figure out how to equitably divide the spoils of my culinary labors. For a small extra fee, our sommelier will provide wine pairings and act as a mediator. Try not to harbor resentment when one of you sweet-talks their way into taking it all despite never having held down so much as a TA position, let alone a job, after 20 years together.
Soup / Salad
Root Vegetable Salad
Artichoke hearts, hearts of palm, and heart-shaped beet carpaccio. You promised to eat this salad when you made the reservation; that’s a public covenant we take very seriously. Do these veggies go well together? They should. But going well together takes effort. It means asking about each other’s days, planning vacations, and keeping your dick in your pants during your daughter’s SAT prep lessons. Relationships, like beet salads, are messy. So accept the flawed but loveable food in front of you, and wipe the beet juice off your face for god’s sake.
or
Soup du Jour
There is no soup. Sometimes people lie, both in marital vows and on chalkboard menus.
Main Course
Fresh Caught Steamed Lobster
Consider the lobster, because it’s the only entrée you’ll be getting. It’s nice to say that without having a pretentious essay collection mansplained to me again by my idiot ex. Rather than a quick, merciful boiling, this crustacean has been simmered for hours. You might be wondering whether the lobster felt pain, or whether it was resigned to slowly expiring in a liquidy hell. Maybe it suffered from debilitating self-abnegation and thought to itself, “this is what I deserve.” Regardless, the lobster has been freed of its mortal coil and I have been freed from hearing about David Foster Wallace every night as I wrote out checks to pay down his student loans. So enjoy your fucking lobster, and toss the empty shell after you’ve eaten all the meat. Or just whenever it loses its novelty — that’s on you for failing to recognize the quality of this lobster, which deserves to be savored from tail to antennae.
Dessert
Bananas Foster-Wallace
A slightly green but trusting banana is paired with a hardened scoop of patronizing hipster ice cream that has grown colder over time. It almost never wants the banana to lie on top of it anymore. The ...

Thank You for Inviting Me to Your Super Bowl Party, But Why is This Nothing Like Friday Night Lights?

Fri, 11 Feb 2022 17:49:56 +0000

I really appreciate the invite to your Super Bowl party! I haven’t watched a lot of football, but I’ve binged all five seasons of Friday Night Lights, so I’m super excited. The drama! The intrigue! The small town politics and profound emotional nuance?! Yes please!
I do have to say, this has been a slow start and I’m a tad disappointed by the pacing and character arcs. For one thing, these announcers really need to do better with the players’ backstories.
I mean, I suppose it’s interesting that the Bengals’ tight end set a career high in receiving yards, but how did he learn to trust again after his last heartbreak? And how did he get that scar on his left arm? Is it related to the death of a sibling he still feels responsible for? At this rate, we’ll never know!
And yes, it’s cool that the Rams’ wide receiver’s father is a former NFL quarterback. But is that really all they’re going to say about it? There’s got to be some tension there. Maybe they’re saving that for next quarter. I get it. It’s all about the slow build.
Sure, that was a pretty exciting touchdown. It would, however, be more exciting if the camera panned to the quarterback’s childhood friend cheering in the stands. Even better if we could capture the reaction of the quarterback’s cynical high school coach, watching on a tiny TV in his darkened living room, a whole host of emotions flickering across his face as he cracks open another Lone Star. Do you think NBC has eyes on that?
I don’t care that the Rams ranked eighth in the league in points scored. Where do they rank in hearts broken? In proud grandmothers? In disappointed wives and mothers? In secrets?
I’m just saying it’s really hard to be invested in this team if I don’t know who among them has a fraught relationship with his father or a skeleton in his closet so shameful it would rock this whole town if it came to light. Are any of them even being blackmailed? And what are the complicated social dynamics at play here? I mean, who is jealous of whom.
I understand wanting to leave something to subtext, but where’s the pathos? Where are the layers? Who is the Tim Riggins of the NFC?
If I don’t know which player has a problem with alcohol, how can I celebrate his resiliency when he makes it to three months sober? How can I see how neatly his struggle with sobriety correlates to his success on the field? Did I miss that reveal when I went to microwave the pizza rolls??
And did that fumble happen because the player is troubled by his girlfriend’s recent betrayal? Or because his ego is out of control and he’s been lazy at practice? Until I know his underlying emotional journey, I’m struggling to give a damn, honestly.
All right, that was a pretty good close-up on the coach’s pained face. That’s the kind of drama and emotional resonance I want from football. But I think this would be a great time for a flashback of the coach’s wife white-knuckling a cup of coffee, explaining that she understands the pressure her husband’s under, but maybe it’s time he made some sacrifices for her career. Also, wow, she’s pregnant again?? What a twist.
Is there always so little narrative arc, or is this a particularly boring season? I was just expecting more scandal and insight into our country’s fractured political landscape. Oh, you’ve got some articles for me to read? No, I haven’t heard of the Washington Commanders.

Situations When Breakfast Cereals Other than Life Flash Before Your Eyes

Thu, 10 Feb 2022 21:59:54 +0000

Special K
You throw a splitter to strike out the side, but tear your UCL
Quaker Oh’s
You watch an antique vase fall and shatter while sheltering in place near the San Andreas Fault
Captain Crunch
You’re Johnny Depp having lunch on the set of the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie, and as you bite into a taco, you doubt if tacos are cool
Alpha-Bits
You’re trying out new material at the comedy club, but get heckled by frat bros
Froot Loops
You play what you think is a game-winning Scrabble word, but it’s actually misspelled, and now you lose a turn
Frosted Flakes
You learn that your roommates, who didn’t come skiing like they said they would, went to a different mountain instead
Trix
You’ve reached the finale of your magic act, but as you go to pull a rabbit out of your hat, it’s not there
Reese’s Puffs
You’re watching The Terminator for the first time and are deeply invested in the well-being of Sarah Connor’s protector, but then you see him get shot and start breathing heavily
Total
You’ve taken your girlfriend shopping, and after she’s brought everything up to the register, you see the amount you’ll be paying
Lucky Charms
You’re driving back home after having taken your girlfriend shopping when you narrowly avoid crashing head-on into a tractor-trailer, and although you’re lucky to be alive, you realize that the pot o’ gold you’d been daydreaming about isn’t real

Other Catchphrases John Wilkes Booth Considered Before “Sic Semper Tyrannis!”

Thu, 10 Feb 2022 21:44:11 +0000

“You can’t HANDLE the Booth!”
“Carpe Shootem.”
“Et ME, Brute?”
“Valar Morghulis.”
“Yabba-Dabba-Racism!”
“Did I do thaaaaat?”
“Yippie-Kie-Yay, Mary-Todd-Fucker!”
“That’s MY ‘campaign contribution.’”
“Avengers (of white grievance) ASSEMBLE!”
“Four score and seven years a-NO!”
“No, you Republi-CAN’T!”
“Exit, stage left!”
“YOLO!”
“Cleanup on aisle 3!”
“Abolitionist? Abolition-THIS!”
“To Confederacy.and beyond!”
“All lives matter.”

The CEO of Frontier Airlines Addresses FAQ’s On The New Merger

Wed, 09 Feb 2022 20:27:20 +0000

“Frontier Airlines and Spirit Airlines, the two largest ultralow-cost carriers in the U.S., have agreed to merge, creating what would become the fifth-largest airline in the country.” -CNBC, Monday, February 7th, 2022.
What’s up, party people?! As we enter a new Frontier in the world of aviation with this exciting merger, I vow to keep the Spirit of these two special airlines alive. Here are some answers to the questions we keep getting about the crashing, I mean merging, of our state-of-the-art companies.
What will the new airline be called?
After hours of deliberation and brainstorming to find the best way to combine our two great names, we’ve decided on Front-tit.
Is my pre-purchased Spirit plane ticket still valid under Front-tit?
To all our loyal customers, we see you and we hear you. YOU are valid. That being said, of course your ticket is null and you’ll need to purchase a new Front-tit ticket for your upcoming flight with us.
What happens to my rewards points from programs like Free Spirit and Frontier Miles?
Your rewards points can be redeemed for a series of prizes akin to what you’d find in a Dave & Busters.
What are your plans to handle common issues like overbooked flights?
With Front-tit, we are happy to report a total commitment to ending this issue. Henceforth, any and all passengers on overbooked flights will play musical chairs for the duration of their time in the sky. You see, if everyone isn’t seated at the same time, no one will notice that they don’t have a permanent seat!
Will Frontier or Spirit stop flying to my city after the merger?
You’d be so lucky, but no. We plan to infiltrate more and more cities as we grow stronger and more powerful by the minute.
Will there be options for On-Flight Entertainment?
Of course! We want to make sure our Front-tit passengers are comfortable and entertained for their stay with us. New on-flight entertainment options include:
Fight Club: Sit back and relax as two grown men beat the shit out of each other over a mask mandate that we barely enforce anyway.
Project Runway: Watch as people come up with increasingly innovative ways to disguise their personal items as clothing to avoid our exorbitant baggage fees!
Snakes On A Plane: We plan to just let loose some snakes on our planes every once in a while to keep things interesting.
Will Front-tit have a first-class option available?
Yes! First-class will be renamed “Frontitties Club” and will include a glass of warm Mountain Dew and 1 centimeter of extra legroom.
What are your plans for the future of Front-tit?
One of my long-term goals is to get an exclusive Front-tit TSA check. Here, we’ll let anyone through who can answer one very easy riddle. Some might see this as “dangerous”, but that leads us to the announcement of our new company slogan: “No Flight-risk, No Reward.”

Play FRUGLE! The New Word Game That Will Never Go Up Behind A Paywall

Tue, 08 Feb 2022 19:41:54 +0000

“[t]he New York Times hinted the popular online word puzzle may go behind a paywall in the future.” -Daily Mail
Instructions:
Call a friend and ask them to think of a five letter word but not tell you what it is. Guess the word.
Friend tells you which letters are yellow (correct but in the wrong place) and which letters are green (correct and in the right place).
Try to visualize this. Clarify what your friend just said three to four times because it’s actually harder to keep this in your mind than you realize.
Guess another word.
(Repeat steps 2-3)
Friend tells you to “just go get a pen and paper and write it down for God’s sake!”
Scramble to find pen and paper. End up writing on the back of an envelope with a broken crayon.
Ask friend to repeat again which letters were green and which were yellow. Friend repeats.
Miss what they say because you are distracted by the thought that perhaps you should try to find green and yellow crayons to color your notes.
(Repeat step 8)
Sense that friend is starting to lose patience.
Tell friend you just need a minute to think this through.
Take 12 minutes.
Friend asks “what the hell is going on over there” and if you are still even on the line? Friend says if you don’t answer soon, they are hanging up.
Remind friend that there is no time limit to FRUGLE.
Friend shouts back: “Well I don’t have all day, ya know! I need to walk the dog, get my kids ready for school, and get to work. Not all of us have endless time for word puzzles, and— ”
Interrupt friend and say you understand but you just need a few more minutes, it’s on the tip of your tongue.
Guess another word. Then immediately realize it doesn’t fit with the colors your friend told you but you were feeling distracted and like a bad friend and under pressure to spit something out. Get dejected and feel incredibly stupid. Say: “Oh my god I must have early onset dementia or something.”
Friend is now not only frustrated at how long this is taking, but also feels like they must reassure you that your brain is still healthy. This makes friend even more annoyed.
Spend the next twenty minutes tearfully processing your relationship together and finally come to the agreement that FRUGLE is ruining your friendship.
After you make up and the air is cleared and you both feel a lot better, wait a beat and then ask if you can still have your remaining three word guesses.
Friend snaps back, “What the fuck? Didn’t we just agree this was ruining things between us?!”
Say that it’s cool, and that you totally get it and will stop bothering them.
Friend, in an effort to be helpful, suggests, “maybe you should just pay for a New York Times puzzle subscription.”
Take huge offense at this. Shout, “that’s it, we are through!”
Hang up in anger. Wait 24 hours.
(Repeat steps 1-27 with a different friend)
After 10 days, look around and realize you have no more friends.
Smugly congratulate yourself on your 10-day streak of losing friends.
Think to yourself, “Well, at least I have never paid for a word game.”

You're Leaving The Playground All Wrong

Tue, 08 Feb 2022 19:10:23 +0000

Leaving the playground doesn’t have to be an anxiety-producing, three-hour affair. When you work with your toddler’s natural inclinations, it’s downright easy! Prime your toddler’s cute little brain by lovingly calling out her name and saying, “We’re leaving in two minutes. I’m starting the timer now.”
Notice the other parents eyeing the pamphlet in your hand: An Illustrated Guide to Get Any Toddler to Leave the Playground. Explain that it’s “ironic and not at all something I need to get my two-year-old to get into the car.”
BUZZ! Your timer has gone off. Turn the volume up all the way and yell out “TIMER’S DONE!” Your toddler runs to you. See – so easy! You just needed the timer trick.
What, you already pressed the clear button? Of course your toddler burst into tears and ran away. Are you some sort of idiot?
Run after your toddler.
Explain that the timer was real. Explain that time is real. Explain that you will not set another time.
Set another timer.
Watch as another parent kindly calls out to her child to leave and the child runs up to the mommy, hugs her, and says “ok mommy, let’s go.”
Whisper “fuck you” to the parent.
Smile.
Wait – where’s your toddler? Calm down! It’s fine, I’m sure she’s here somewhere. It’s not like the playground is close to a busy street where she could easily escape and get hit by a car. Oh it is? That seems like poor city planning – have you thought about running for city council on a platform for playground safety? Don’t get distracted – go find your daughter! Maybe yell out your daughter’s name? A little louder. SCREAM IT LOUDER!
Look, she’s hiding in the covered slide. Isn’t that clever?
She seems to be holding a plank on the slide. Your daughter’s unnaturally strong, huh? I bet she could beat you in an arm-wrestling competition. No you’re right, that’s not really relevant to getting her down the slide and into your car.
Now focus – we want to work with your child’s natural urges. That’s how we make leaving the playground stress-free. Tell your daughter that she can press the button to set the timer – that tricks her little brain into thinking she’s in control. See, she loves that idea. Yikes, it looked like it really hurt when she hit you in the face as she hurled down the slide.
It seems like she doesn’t want to engage with the timer. Weird.
Just this once, lie to your toddler and tell her that you have a puppy waiting at home for her, if she leaves this very second. OMG, did you actually do that? That was a test. FAIL!
I don’t want to alarm you, but it seems like the other parents in the playground are talking about you. No, not in a good way. Smile. Um, not like that.
Your alarm is going off again. Hold it up like it’s Simba in the Lion King.
Here comes your daughter. Like I said, when you work with her undeveloped brain, things go so much smoother. DON’T press the stop button. Bend down and let her do that. See, wasn’t that easy?
Wait, why is your toddler yelling that you’re a stranger who’s trying to lure her out of the playground with candy? Did you hear that – your daughter used the word “lure.” She has a GREAT vocabulary. Oh, right, not really the point. Take her hand and start walking out of the playground. No, she shouldn’t be screaming like that.
Oh wow, that’s a lot of cop cars.
Explain to the stern officer that your daughter was playing a game she made-up called “mommy is a kidnapper.” Immediately concede that a toddler wouldn’t come up with that idea on her own. Agree that this game is not appropriate.
Explain why you have An Illustrated Guide to Get Any Toddler to Leave the Playground.
Wait for your husband to arrive with your daughter’s birth certificate to prove your parental rights.
Watch as a police officer pushes your daughter on the swing as she yells out “this is my real mommy!”
Oh look, there’s dad. Watch as your toddler runs to him, takes his hand, and walks home.

Talkward w/ guest Mike Sacks

Fri, 04 Feb 2022 17:53:43 +0000

This episode welcomes the very funny comedy writer and author Mike Sacks! Mike’s new book, ‘Passing On The Right’, is a parody of memoir by a failed comic turned right-wing radio host named Skippy ‘Batty’ Battison. It’s absolutely bonkers and at the same time, could be absolutely true. Pick it up today!

Whoever Keeps Spreading Rumors Around About Me Being Really Charming Needs To Stop It Right Now

Fri, 04 Feb 2022 17:42:02 +0000

I’ve been informed that many of you have been talking behind my back. I don’t know who but everything you’ve said, I’ve heard it. Spreading rumors about my “endless charm” and “razor-sharp wit.” I’ve had enough. You better knock it off right now.
Everywhere I go, I walk into rooms full of people who are talking about me in hushed voices and pointing. I can overhear them saying things about my “immaculate charisma” and “infallible beauty.” It’s like high school all over again.
I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Not even my worst enemy deserves to have their “disarming demeanor” and “formidable yet elegant presence” spoken about at length. Nobody deserves to hear things like that. Except me apparently.
If you want to know what I think about all this stuff going around, here it is: I accept your judgments. Maybe there’s some truth to them. That’s beside the point. The point is I won’t tolerate my “impeccable taste” and “refined sense of the world” being talked about in any capacity. Period.
Unless you are a trusted friend, a starstruck physician, my rabbi who tries his best to maintain professionalism in my presence, my bashful mailman, my kosher butcher, or any other acquaintances who can’t help being sexually attracted to me, keep details of my “suave machismo” and “general warmth” out of your mouth.
If details of my “dazzling stature” or descriptions of my “broad shoulders that look good in a suit” must enter into your mouth, this is a formal warning to do so at your own risk. You’ve heard them when they say, “He has the hearing, and wisdom, of an owl so don’t fawn over him too loudly” or “Shhh! He can hear us talking about his inimitable personality.” I know I have.
And, no, you may not use a loophole by referring to me by another name like “Mr. Handsome” or “Big Baby Blue Eyes.” We all know who you’re talking about when you say things like, “That young Marlon Brando” or “Never in my 57 years as a physician have I seen a penis so large.”
As hard as it may be, imagine if you were the recipient of such hearsay.
I’ve also heard the stories circulating of women, and men, ending their long-term relationships and breaking off engagements after merely hearing of my “unerring decency to people from all walks of life” and my “lean quadriceps.” It’s yet another reason to keep gossip regarding my “unmatched physicality” and “innate generosity to animals” to a minimum.
And if you’re in a deeply committed relationship, don’t even think about having a conversation with your partner about how “criminally underrated” you think I am “even though I’m discussed by everyone a lot.” We all know you’re doing that to test them, wondering if they too have fallen for my apparent “shimmering eyes” and “qualities of a future leader.”
Your partner will inevitably fumble around for a while trying to come up with a way to not mention my “easy smile” and devalue my “impeccable social graces.” You’ll recognize this and cut them off, dismissing the topic entirely. They’ll try to comfort you by saying my “radiant complexion” isn’t really that radiant and that my “mysterious gaze” is actually quite overt. Avoid the trouble altogether by learning to accept the reality that he or she is and will remain attracted to my “gentle disposition” and my “uncomfortably handsome face” forever.
Next time I hear someone starting a smear campaign against my “full eyebrows” and “kissable plump lips” I will have no choice but to intervene. First, you will hear from my hideous attorney—when I represented myself in the past, my presence was far too distracting for the judge who called MANY fifteen minute recesses. For that reason, I’ll be forced to wear a burlap sack over my head on the day of the trial. It’s not an ideal setup but justice is blind and it must remain so.
If you think the outcome of the trial will swing in my favor anyways because of who I am, you’re probably right. The bag method is the best we can do but some say it retains the overall shape of my “ange...

Cosmopolitician Magazine

Fri, 04 Feb 2022 16:25:49 +0000

Enjoy Your Weekly Humorist Article, Hartford

Thu, 03 Feb 2022 22:47:13 +0000

According to official statistics, Hartford—Connecticut’s fourth-largest city—has a population of more than 120,000. The Greater Hartford metropolitan area brings this number up to more than a million. And yet, despite this massive pool of potential readers, I cannot remember any recent Weekly Humorist articles about the capital of the Constitution State. That oversight ends now. Hartford resident, this article is for you. Please tell your neighbors to give it a look as well so that everyone in Hartford gets a chance to read it.
Here are some things about Hartford:
Hartford was home to a National Hockey League team
Hartfordians know that a professional hockey club called the Whalers once played in their glorious metropolis, skating with the support of their loyal fans at the Hartford Civic Center. That’s before they moved to Charlotte, North Carolina to become the Carolina Hurricanes. (Booooooo, right?). The Whalers had a beloved fight song entitled “Brass Bonanza.” Their logo made cool use of negative space; it includes not only a “W” and a whale’s tail, but also the letter “H.” Very innovative. Very Hartford.
I have never been to Hartford
Full disclosure: I have never been to your city. But, look, someone had to step up and write this article. I would have asked an expert to do it, but most of my acquaintances who have been to Hartford are not writers. For example, my college roommate lives 75 minutes from Hartford and has some familiarity with the city, but he is an HVAC engineer. Do you want an HVAC engineer to write your article? Be reasonable.
Also, and I am not saying that this is a substitute for firsthand experience, but it’s easy to do research on the internet. You probably know that, because almost 72 percent of households in Hartford have a broadband internet subscription.
Hartford has America’s oldest continuously-published newspaper
The Hartford Courant began publishing in 1764, before the American Revolution! Such a long-established newspaper is something for all Hartford residents to treasure. Perhaps, tomorrow morning, the Courant will run a front-page article alerting people to Hartford getting its due recognition in Weekly Humorist. Such an article would spread the word among Hartford habitants that there is a humor piece about their municipality, written for their enjoyment, which they can click on and share.
Hartford is known as the “Insurance Capital of the World”
Hartford earned this nickname because it hosts the headquarters of many large insurance companies, including Aetna, The Phoenix Companies, and, fittingly, The Hartford, which is named for the city in which it was founded (Hartford).
While Hartford was not the primary setting of the popular American comedy-drama television series Gilmore Girls, it was the home of Richard and Emily Gilmore
Some of the most memorable scenes in Gilmore Girls take place in the mansion where Lorelai’s parents (Rory’s grandparents) reside—and that mansion is in Hartford, Connecticut. It is true that I’ve never been to Hartford, but I have watched Gilmore Girls in its entirety so many times that I feel as if I have spent many months of my life hanging out there. Richard and Emily were portrayed with skill and empathy by Edward Hermann and Kelly Bishop. You will appreciate this authentic detail: Richard Gilmore works in the insurance industry. In case you’re curious, and not for SEO reasons, I should mention that Gilmore Girls featured Melissa McCarthy.
Hartford’s area codes are 860 and 959
Whenever someone talks about “life in the 860 or 959,” if that’s something they do, maybe that’s what they’re talking about. I’m not sure what slang terms Hartford folk use to discuss their city, but I am certain that these area codes are useful to those placing long-distance phone calls to Hartford. which does not apply to you, a Hartford local reading this article—unless you are one of those people in Hartford who rely on mobile phones to make local calls, as do many Hartfordians ...

Updates on Your Dad’s New Year’s Resolutions

Wed, 02 Feb 2022 22:59:35 +0000

I was drunk when I said that — no one should resolve to spend more time with this family.
Ok, I would totally see this thing through, but have you forgotten we’re in the middle of a pandemic right now?
Resolutions are like student loans. If you keep deferring them, eventually they’re likely to go away altogether and then you’ll finally be happy!
You know what, it’s probably unhealthy to lose THAT much weight, right?
It has gotten WAY too stressful out there to quit smoking now.
It’s like I always tell my kids, “It’s better to try and to fail than to never have tried at all. And it’s better still to wait until you’re sure you’re going to succeed — even if that means putting it off for a year or two.”
I’m already so much better looking than all of my friends, do I really want to be in better shape, too?
I can’t go to the gym looking like this.
Umm, I didn’t realize we’d still have to wear masks on the plane when I said that.
Who’s gonna mow this goddamn lawn if I’m off getting huge, cause based on your track record, it sure as hell doesn’t seem like it’ll be you, mister!
I tried flossing every day, but you said I was embarrassing you in front of your friends.
I started running, but I already caught my refrigerator, so it seems pointless now.
I sprained my effort gluteus, and there is a year recovery time.
I’m just going to rest my eyes for a year.
When I said my resolution was to live life to the fullest, I meant napping more.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, so I figure I’ve got time before getting to the roof.
When I said clean more, I meant my fingernails. Pass me that fork, would you?
I should probably wait to see what CDC says about my resolutions.

Tucker Carlson Rates Other Famous Mascots Based On Hotness

Tue, 01 Feb 2022 18:54:03 +0000

“M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal. When you’re totally turned off, we’ve achieved equity.”-Tucker Carlson, Fox News, January 21, 2022
Coca-Cola Polar Bears
Not everyone knows this about me but I’m super into coke so this mascot gets me VERY excited!! The Coca-Cola polar bears are portrayed like every animal mascot should be: pantsless with big, bodacious dump trucks. The polar bears also remind me of climate change, which reminds me of liberal tears, which makes my iceberg stick straight up. Rating: 8/10
Mr. Clean
Have I had a sex dream about Mr. Clean? Yes. Was it sudsy? Yes. Did I wake up and have to call my mother to come change my sheets? Yes. However, he’s a MAN doing housework which is inherently unsexy, and teaches the next generation of girls to prop their feet up which is dangerous to American family values!!!!! Rating: 5/10
The Fantanas by Fanta
Sexy, skimpy, colorful. Everything the M&M’s could have been if it weren’t for the woke mob. One of the few mascots I’d still get a drink with. Rating: 10/10
The Energizer Bunny
While I deeply appreciate the lack of clothing and the way the flip-flops show off her feet, the Energizer bunny just doesn’t DO enough to charge my batteries. If you’re going to be a mascot who brags about how “long you can make me last”, I’m gonna need more effort. Shake that tail, learn to twerk, carry an AR-15, something sexy! Rating: 4/10
Jolly Green Giant
I get my jollies from the Jolly Green Giant! First of all, he’s built like Dwayne the Rock Johnson and wearing almost nothing. Secondly, he reminds me of Adam from the Bible, and nothing gets me all worked up more than the word of God. Plus, he makes frozen vegetables look sexy as hell. It’s a yes, peas from me. Rating: 8/10
Wendy from Wendy’s
Hot, juicy redhead. All-American (by which I mean white). Never has to be told twice to smile. Makes me think of a bacon cheeseburger. Would love to dip my fries into that frosty. Rating: 9/10
Chick-Fil-A Cows
The Chick-Fil-A cows are sexy because they leave something to the imagination. What’s behind that “Eat Mor Chickin” sign? Are they naked or do they have on skimpy lingerie? No one knows but I’d certainly like to find out. Plus their chicken tastes like my two favorite “H” words: heaven and homophobia. Rating: 7/10
Burger King King
Way, way, way too clothed for me to even CONSIDER getting a drink with. Seriously, not an inch of skin showing, even a mankle (man ankle). Also if I grow a mustache I look exactly like him and I resent that. Rating: 2/10
The Starbucks Mermaid
My favorite kind of woman: silent and impossible to get pregnant because her lower half is a fish. She always keeps me coming back for more by running hot and cold. If I ever met her I’d tell her that my coffee isn’t the ONLY thing about me that’s grande. Rating: 8/10
Minnie Mouse
Minnie Mouse before the pantsuit is what made Disney World the horniest, I mean happiest, place on Earth. Minnie Mouse after the pantsuit just reminds me of Hillary Rodham Clinton and is a disgusting symbol of the feminist agenda. Do you think I went to Magic Kingdom for the rides? The pineapple dole whips? No! I went to see that hot little mouse in her hot little red dress. Rating before the pantsuit: 1000/10 . Rating after the pantsuit: 0.

Joe Rogan's Other Favorite Conspiracy Theories

Fri, 28 Jan 2022 18:26:33 +0000

Joe Rogan has been spreading anti-vaccination conspiracy theories on his podcast of late; of course, this is nothing new for the guy..Joe Rogan’s Other Favorite Conspiracy Theories
Zeta 384 beams are being transmitted into his brain, for the express purpose of giving him an erection when My Little Pony cartoons are broadcast on his television.
The door greeters at Wal-Mart are sentient plant-human hybrids who are being bred in order to make unflattering remarks about rap music on Facebook.
The eyes of the Little Debbie snack cake mascot can easily hypnotize the average person, compelling them to replace their neighbor’s weather-stripping over the weekend.
Mr. T has traveled back from a distant future, sent to our present by cybernetic overlords who just thought that it would be a funny thing to do.
Smucker’s raspberry jam can cure hemorrhoids, and even if it really can’t, it still feels really good to put a bunch of it into your bottom.
The last several secret-society beauty pageants, The Hotties Of The Illuminati, have been set-up to favor the contestants who are descended from Cthulhu.
Reruns of Who’s The Boss? are in heavy syndication rotation in order to keep audiences confused as to who the actual boss really is.
The sugar-coating on Frosted Flakes allows the consumer over time to communicate with insects, although most insects have a one-track mind and typically only want to discuss The Bachelor.
Having a pillow fight with an uncircumcised person of nomadic heritage is a sure way to incur the wrath of Zeus.
The adrenaline produced during an average square dance is inadvertently sending rude messages to violent beings in another galaxy.
The water used during wet t-shirt contests is comprised mostly of an experimental elixir that causes one’s pubic hair to fall out within moments.
Shingles are not caused by a virus introduced into a person’s body via chicken pox, but rather a section of roof falling from a great distance and hitting you on the back.

Quiz: Pokémon or Cryptocurrency

Thu, 27 Jan 2022 22:26:38 +0000

1. Gordor 2. Phobus 3. Polka Dot 4. Kukui 5. Tezos 6. MakerDAO 7. Bulbasaur 8. TRON 9. Picachu 10. Dogecoin 11. Charmander 12. Ripple 13. Shiba Inu
Pokémon: 1,2,4,7,9,11 Cryptocurrency: 3,5,6,8,10,12,13

As a Passenger on the Titanic, I’m So Glad We All Decided to Go On With Our Lives as the Ship Sinks

Wed, 26 Jan 2022 20:51:13 +0000

“In Britain, France, Spain and other countries across Europe, politicians and some public health experts are pushing a new approach to the coronavirus pandemic borne of both boldness and resignation: that the illness is becoming a fixture of daily life.” — NYT
I’ll be honest, when the Titanic started sinking and it looked like we were going to drown, I thought “let’s definitely figure out a way to get everyone onto lifeboats.” And when people said that focusing on a rescue mission would ruin the robust maritime economy and that we should just go on with our lives as our ship sank further into the Atlantic Ocean, I thought “that’s fucking bonkers,” but now I realized I was wrong.
At first all I could think about was that I was going to die, but after a while, I got used to seeing people fall off the boat and drown in the icy waters, and it was like, well, should I really keep focusing all my energy on that or should I just go back to enjoying the buffet dinner that I already paid for?
It’s hard to admit it now, but I was a tad hysterical at first wondering if I could get a spot in one of those lifeboats. I even tried to jump the queue. But then I heard that it was better to let your lungs get used to drowning the natural way, by desperately gulping for air underwater, and I thought, that makes sense!
Besides, those lifeboats don’t seem to work that great – like, people still get wet in them and that sounds super uncomfortable. And sure those same people are drying off right away, but if I had to pick between drowning and getting a little wet, well honestly it seems like six of one, half dozen of the other.
Now sure, every minute it seems like the incident levels of drowning increases, but the guy blaring out statistics on the ship’s CB radio says that some of those people had comorbidities and that they were probably going to die before we got to America anyway. I was a little uncomfortable with that argument right after we hit the iceberg, but now it’s like, that’s probably right.
I’m no socialist – my original misguided attempt to save the people on this ship before they drowned in the middle of the Atlantic was purely selfish. I mean, I wanted to know who was going to make my food and cinch my corset and call out when another iceberg was on the horizon, but then I saw how well the stock market was doing and I thought, “Fuck it, letting this ship go down and possibly dying is the best thing that’s ever happened to my 401(k) and I’ll be able to retire five years early.”
I’ve also noticed how our ship sinking has really fired up the creative juices of some of the Titanic’s crew. Just look at how the deck chair rearranging business has taken off. I mean, sure, lots of workers have quit because they say “it’s not safe to rearrange chairs as we are literally pulled underwater by this massive boat” and others have fallen ill or died, but besides that, it’s going great.
I’m also pleased how well my kids are faring in this new environment. I thought being underwater and not able to breathe might affect their ability to learn, but kids are so resilient. I know some teachers have said it’s not safe for them to teach in these shark-infested waters as the sinking Titanic pulls them further towards the sea floor, but I think they’re exaggerating. I mean, are even teachers’ unions even legal on the Titanic?
Anyway, I’m glad we didn’t listen to the captain who was begging everyone to find a spot in a safety boat and decided to drown instead.

It’s My Job as Governor to Protect Florida From the Ever-Encroaching Threat of Self Awareness

Tue, 25 Jan 2022 22:42:15 +0000

“A bill backed by Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis that would prohibit Florida’s public schools and private businesses from making people feel ‘discomfort’ or ‘guilt’ based on their race, sex or national origin received first approval Tuesday by the state’s Senate Education Committee.” –CNN, 1/20/22
Mind-boggling cluelessness isn’t as easy to maintain as it was in the good old days when people who didn’t look like Mr. Clean weren’t allowed to speak. Gone are the days when a man could live his life without ever feeling a tiny shred of uncertainty about the pure innocence and inherent good intentions of every generation that came before him.
The real virus sweeping the nation is self-awareness. As a lawmaker in the great state of Florida, it is my duty to the people to protect them (white) from ever wondering, even for a second, why grandpa changed the channel every time Family Matters came on.
Above all else, it is my job as governor to preserve three inalienable rights for every man in Florida: life, liberty, and the pursuit of complete stupidity.
If you ask me, we’re doing a fine job of this. But in 2022 it has become harder and harder to protect our white children from feeling singled out after they say the n-word. Tommy comes home each day feeling guilt and anguish when no one laughed when he called Daniel gay for wearing nail polish. Imagine how Michael must have felt when he excitedly told everyone at lunch that he wanted to have his future wedding on a plantation, only for Jefferson to explain why that probably wasn’t a good idea.
Now Michael is going to get married on a yacht. Think of the children.
No longer are teachers teaching our students history. They’re indoctrinating them with the ridiculous notion that a country where slavery was legal for 400 years might still be racist. Today’s children do not need the burden of knowing that racism exists. They already know sexism existed at one point and that’s enough to handle for one generation.
Frankly, teaching our students that racism is still baked into our law books and continues to be present in our society is discrimination. The history of slavery, Jim Crow, and blatant racism in America must be taught objectively.
The great Martin Luther King Jr. called for people to be judged on the content of their character, not on the fact that they’re from Florida. We are upholding his legacy by introducing the “Stop WOKE Act,” which will put an end to critical race theory. Phew, now I don’t have to google critical race theory. What a relief.
In our great state, if you feel guilty about other people’s discrimination, you will be able to sue for discrimination. We aren’t like the liberals who get all wrapped up in not offending anyone. We will prosecute you for causing minor discomfort or making someone aware of the fact that they are a white, straight man. I must shield innocent Floridians from the monsters that are self-awareness, intelligence, and a well-rounded education.
Just like the air, the ignorance in Florida is so thick you can stab it with a fork. We intend to keep it that way.

If the Liberals Have Their Way, There Will Be No Bangable Chocolate at All

Tue, 25 Jan 2022 21:54:41 +0000

The liberals have finally done it. They’ve come for the Brown M&M, the candy so sexy Van Halen had to ban her from their dressing room. Lowered her heels, undermined her natural sex appeal, made her look not just dowdy but dour, like a Smith college sophomore who just switched her major to Women’s Studies. This, to one of the only mass-produced candies a healthy, heterosexual man would want to get a drink with, and one of even fewer you could get a drink with without having her blather all night about small-batch botanical gins.
Do liberals just not want us to have sex with commercially packaged chocolate at all? I’m sick of spending half the night trying to talk to some bit of sexy-ass Scharffen Berger about foreign films, only to go home alone at the end of the night. Or buying drinks all night for some slender, delicious piece of Ghirardelli, only to realize too late that she’s from San Francisco and used to volunteer in Nancy Pelosi’s office.
I mean, have you ever tried to get past first base with a Hershey’s Kiss? It’s beyond frustrating. But you try, and try again, and then you go home still horny, with all these little incriminating bits of aluminum foil that your wife asks suspicious questions about.
I’m too old to be out clubbing all night with some Mars Bar who’s into music I’ve never heard of. And the very idea of a menage á trois mousqetaires is morally repugnant. I just want some healthy, old-fashioned sex with a piece of industrial confectionary, like any normal, red-blooded American man.
I hope the liberals are happy, because every time I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get sued. That’s because it’s always a York Peppermint Patty I’ve hired to work in my office. But be fair. Why else would I hire a York Peppermint Patty as an office employee, except for sex? Not one of them has ever actually mastered Excel. So I’m getting sued, and none of my travel arrangements turn out to have been made, just for one stolen, fleeting moment of minty mountain-air freshness. And now I’m stuck at the airport, with every cheap candy bar in Terminal B flaunting herself at me.
It gets so bad that I drunk-dial that Hershey bar from college, the one I’d enjoy a quickie with between classes. She should be perfect: traditional, American, from rural Pennsylvania Trump country. But she’s so basic. Constantly talking about kids, so brittle she might snap if we change position. Just too square. No, I know not literally. I understand what a rectangle is, okay? I went to Wesleyan.
Is this what our country’s come to? Waking up hungover in some motel with a baker’s bar you can’t remember picking up, going through the whole sad charade pretending to put their number in your phone before you go home to the old prune tart. It’s all so bitter, like AOC talking about critical race theory. This is the part liberals don’t understand: it’s called “dessert” because you deserve it. And also because exact spelling isn’t really my thing. Why didn’t my office staff catch this? What did I hire them for?

Welcome to the Manchin-Sinema Diner. I’m Todd, and I’ll Be Your Stonewaller This Evening

Fri, 21 Jan 2022 20:14:02 +0000

Hi there! How’s everyone doing tonight? Welcome to the Manchin-Sinema Diner. I’m sure you’re here for the same reason everybody else is: you had no choice, because somehow, we are the only food purveyors of any kind in a 600-mile radius. My name’s Todd, and I’ll be taking care of you tonight by stonewalling, obfuscating, gaslighting, moving the goalposts, or anything else I can do to make your dinner frustrating and futile.
First time here? Are you familiar with our system? Well, let me start by saying that none of the dishes on our menu is actually available. They sure do sound good, though, don’t they? A lot of people come in hungry for that awesome-sounding peppercorn rib eye, or our hoping to try our world-famous vegan pad thai, but sadly we’ve never actually made those things and have no intention of ever making them. Keep coming back, though, because you never know!
So what is available, you ask? Well, as long as you tolerate anything I say or do tonight and you’re nice about it, I may be able to start you with a rosemary-mushroom flatbread. Not too shabby, right? If you just sit tight, I’ll be back with that flatbread in just two and a half hours.
(FIVE HOURS LATER)
Hey, folks, welcome to the Manchin-Sinema Diner. My name’s Todd and – wait, you said you already ordered? The rosemary mushroom flatbread, you said? Well, I don’t know who you ordered that from, but it sure wasn’t me, because our kitchen doesn’t carry any rosemary or mushrooms, and aerosolized flatbread particles trigger my asthma, so even if we had a flatbread, which we don’t, I would never bring it to you. Could I interest you in our fried calamari? In theory? I could, right? I bet I could interest you in a lot of things, especially given the fact that you’re obviously starving, and you have no realistic or timely alternative to simply holding out hope that I’ll suddenly change my mind and bring you something to eat.
See, the owners, Joe and Kyrsten, have a real vision for this place. They want it to appear to be a fully functioning restaurant, and bring in as many desperate customers as possible. At the same time, they’re working with a conglomerate based in Qatar that plans to raze this building to the ground and replace it with a parking lot that’s convenient to absolutely nothing. Yes, it will be a money laundering front, how’d you guess? But Joe and Kyrsten also like the idea of running a restaurant, so rather than kill this place off right away, they’ve decided to slowly choke it to death while they run around and do whatever it is restaurant owners do. Other than running a restaurant, of course.
Oh, the restrooms? Sorry, ma’am, our restrooms are out of order on account of them never having been built. The good news is public urination drops down to a misdemeanor about fifty miles up the road, and if you time it just right you might avoid the state troopers who get paid by the arrest.
I’m sorry, what? You want me to bring you food? Or at least water? Do I look like I’m here to wait on you? If I’ve promised anything about food this whole time, it’s that you might be able to finish off some of the ketchup bottles that may or may not be out back in the dumpster. Unfortunately, though, now you can’t even do that, because the owners just permanently locked down the whole building from the outside, so all there’s left to do is wait for the bulldozers to come and flatten this dive with all of us inside it. Don’t worry, they’ll be here in ten months, tops. In the meantime, Maggie Haberman from the New York Times is on the phone, and she’d like you to explain why you let all this stuff happen to you. I told her I have no idea, but it sure is good for business!

An Update on the Oompa Loompa Unionizing Efforts

Fri, 21 Jan 2022 19:26:59 +0000

To: All Members From: OompaLoompaOrganizing@protonmail.com
We, your Oompa Loompa Doompety dUnion (OLDU) are outraged. Despite having the support of the ENTIRE staff, executive leadership of the Wonka Factory is refusing to recognize our union. Worse, they are actively suppressing our rights.
It is Wonka management that insists we test the fizzy-lifting drinks without a medic present. It is Wonka management that boils and overflows the chocolate river to sabotage our union meetings. And it is Wonka management that claims to require a National Labor Relations Board mail-in election – which is impossible for us to fulfill. As our ancestors were “imported” (stolen) from our native Loompaland by one Williard Wonka, we remain unrecognized by the state. This is an underhanded bureaucratic trick by the top-hatted elite to further obstruct our organization. But we will prevail.
Anti-Union Actions by Management:
Earlier this year, Wonka Industries hired the well-known union-busting law firm Slugworth, Wilkinson, and Fickelgruber as “labor consultants.” Workers are reporting intimidation tactics, including supervisors’ scream-rhyming performance reviews in the dark tunnel full of strange kaleidoscopic imagery. Stay strong, orange brethren! Most of all, do not trust these giant “new hires.” If you’re not sure if the worker you’re talking to is an anti-union plant, remember this rhyme:
Oompa Loompa doompety do, Are they remarkably taller than you? Oompa Loompa doopity dab, If that’s a yes, they’re probably a scab!
Common Misconceptions:
To our Loompa-dee-brothers and sisters worried about their livelihood, do not believe management lies! Here are a few statements union-busters use to dissuade workers from organizing:
“Having a union will ruin our ‘family’ work environment.”
The Truth: Families don’t let family get dismembered from gumdrop hailstorms with no workers’ compensation.
“You will lose your job.”
The Truth: Shutting down operations to avoid a union is against the law. Besides, who would replace us? The mindless squirrels shelling walnuts in the Nut Room? The four spoiled children Wonka maimed, shrunk, and juiced during the last factory tour? Please.
“Joining a union may involve you in violence.”
The Truth: Unions exist to solve problems peacefully. Blaming violence on unions is a world of pure imagination.
And, finally, some good news!
In an expression of solidarity, we are now publicly supported by other similarly downtrodden labor unions! Sending thanks to Keebler Elves Local 338, the American Federation of Snap, Crackle, and Pop, and all Amazon Warehouse Workers. Together, we fight on!
Yours in Sweet, Sugary Solidarity, Oompa Loompa Doompety dUnion (OLDU)

Most Common FAQ for Wummies Weed Gummies

Fri, 21 Jan 2022 18:21:41 +0000

“If I were to take more than one gummy at a time, would that potentially cause a rapid heartbeat? Or is the rapid heartbeat caused by the fact that my mom has made an appearance in the last seven episodes of Law & Order: SVU?”
“Is it advisable to take a gummy before going out to have dinner with friends? And are they really my friends? Why are they all looking at me like that? And why is the waiter trying to read my mind?”
“I’ve noticed that Wummies gummies can oftentimes cause drowsiness. Is this simply the trixter demon N’aarandhal attempting to lure me into his icy fortress kingdom?”
“Are your Wummies gummy packs sent in unmarked, private mailers? Because I’m pretty sure that my mailman has been hired by my employer to spy on my leisure activities.”
“Do Wummies gummies cause a ‘case of the munchies’ in many users? Also, how can one best stifle the screams of the hoagie that I’m currently eating?”
“Can Wummies cause problems for people with severe allergies? My friend Trish has really bad allergies, and would have a lot of problems when she would come over to watch Battlestar Galactica, mostly because of my cats. Cats are weird, because it’s kind of like they’re sort of like people, but not exactly. But it’s like, they can see you, y’know? Like into your soul. It’s like you can communicate with each other, but on a different plane. It can be beautiful. Did you say something?”

Six Snowmen Who Will Melt Your Heart and Then Themselves

Tue, 18 Jan 2022 21:38:29 +0000

Tis’ the season for freshly fallen snow and newly kindled relationships! If you’re looking for a winter boo these eligible bachelors are both frozen and sultry, but be forewarned– your hot romance will melt them long before the Spring thaw.
The Proper Snowman
This dapper gentleman is pure icy class, and the authentic Burberry scarf proves he’s a cuffing season catch. This is a snowman who’ll take you out to a Michelin star dinner and the Nutcracker, all before whisking you home via carriage ride. He’s emanating peak-Colin-Firth energy. Unfortunately, it’s also thermal energy, which will cause him to melt halfway through the second date.
The Frosty Cutie
We are simping over this baby-faced hunk’s big coal eyes and seductive licorice smirk. His perfectly spherical head reminds us of Parks and Rec-era Chris Pratt, before the hot bod and messy divorce. He’s perfect for bringing home to mom, and maybe sneaking a quickie in your old bedroom. It will have to be quick though, as the warmth of his smile is causing him to melt at an alarming rate.
The Too-Cool Hipster Hottie
Top hats and carrots? So 2017. This chill contrarian’s style is quirky and unique: he’s upended the concept of hats by wearing a vintage tea kettle! The yard-sale camera tells you he’s not just a snowman, he’s a snow artist– also he might do an occasional line of powder. This set of snowballs will take you to the hottest new spots in town, where he will soon become nothing but a puddle on their floor.
The Messy, Man’s-Man Snowman
Give us a man who is willing to get his hands dirty or, in this case, his whole snowy self dirty. This sawdust and straw-covered farm-boy is rugged and ready for love. He’s a sculpted country sweetheart, and you’re a busy city lady. The friction between you two will blossom into a fiery passion, which woefully will be too warm and cause his demise.
The Snow-Daddy
This single snow dad has us swooning. His idea of a holidate is taking you and the kiddo out to visit the grandparents– who happen to be the snow-laden branches behind him. He’ll tuck the kid into bed before coming down to snuggle with you by the fireplace. You drift off into a cozy nap in his warm, loving embrace, which would be lovely except that you wake up soaking in his melted remains. Try explaining that to his precious child.
The Holiday House Hubbie
You’ll never get the cold shoulder from this melt-proof softie; he’s actually made of felt! Love a man who wears his heart on his sleeve? Well, this dude wears two sweethearts right on his cheeks. Since he’s not flakey, you two can keep heating things up for a long time. Not too long though, or he will spontaneously combust from the friction and burn down your home.

We Are Here To Inform You That Our Queen Cover Band Only Plays ‘Crazy Little Thing Called Love'

Tue, 18 Jan 2022 21:13:32 +0000

While it is important to us that you clear every third Tuesday of every month to see us perform live we want to make a couple of things clear. First off, yes we are the Queen cover band locally known as The Queen’s Jamming. Secondly, we support and respect every track ever recorded by London’s finest, however, our focus as a quintet of mildly successful forty somethings is to only play “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.” When you come to view us we hope that you will respect that for 80 mins you will only hear various versions of the 1979 hit, and we would appreciate it if you don’t yell out other song requests.
This is something we will not budge on, so please do not continuously yell out “Radio Ga Ga” or “Under Pressure,” or even “You’re My Best Friend.” And please for the love of God don’t even think about getting on someone’s shoulders and chanting for “We Will Rock You.” Not only will you be ignored, but we will signal for our band manager, Gideon, to have you escorted out of the building and banned from any future The Queen’s Jamming shows. Gideon just purchased a new pull-up bar, so consider that a warning.
We want our fans to enjoy our shows and we love how passionate all of you are, but we will also have to ask you to not inform us of all the factual inaccuracies in the “Bohemian Rhapsody” film. We are well aware of them and accept that we chose to ignore them and decided to instead focus on Rami Malek’s accurate strut.
Our band is incredibly respectful of the song we play, but our hope is that amid the good times we do not overhear anyone ask their friend, “Isn’t this Elvis?” If that person happens to be you you will quickly be called out and shamed continuously by other fans until you understand what a despicable thing you have done. Anyone that jokes, “another one bites the dust,” will also be shamed.
This is more of a personal matter, but please refrain from stopping me after the show and encouraging me to grow a full mustache. I have attempted to in the past and I quickly learned that I am unable to grow anything even close to facial hair. I do not need the constant reminder of my mustache misadventures – I get it enough from my father and my wife.
We know that some of our fans have followed us from the beginning when we were Planet Mercury’s Planet and only played “Living On My Own,” but we have to ask you all to please not bring up that part of our history. We have grown and evolved as a band, and prefer not to look back at the time we only focused on Freddie Mercury’s solo career.
Finally, we will not be fielding questions about why we only play “Crazy Little Thing Called Love,” as we as artists need to keep some semblance of mystery. The same can be said for our opening band Daryl and John, who only play “Out of Touch.”

I’m Just Calling to Follow Up on the Email I’m About to Send You

Fri, 14 Jan 2022 18:47:19 +0000

Hey there. I hope my email finds you well when you receive it after this super quick check-in call. You weren’t busy, were you? Doesn’t matter. I only need to steal a minute of your time. If we can catch up on that email before I send it, we’ll be way ahead of the game. Gotta keep moving!
Are you getting another call right now? That’s me, hitting you up on Microsoft Teams. If we talk on Teams and the phone at the same time, we can do a post-mortem on this follow-up call while I prioritize the tasks for the email I’ll send you later that we’re following up on now. That way we won’t have to circle back later and rehash things we haven’t talked about yet. Nobody ever died from too much multitasking, am I right?
One second. I’m rescinding the calendar invite for our Teams meeting but don’t exit the meeting. If we simultaneously attend and don’t attend the meeting, we’ll save even more time. Productivity is the name of the game, and in this game I’m Lebron James from Space Jam: A New Legacy. You saw it, right? Best movie of 2021, hands down.
Have you checked out the attachments I sent along with the Teams invite? One is a PDF of my self-published ebook The Epitome of Efficiency (have you finished it yet?), one is a link to my podcast series Profitable Productivity (all 48 episodes are behind a paywall and have you listened to them yet?), and one is an EXE file. Don’t worry, it’s only an app that recursively opens and closes itself in a never-ending orgy of spinning pinwheels to constantly verify the integrity of your OS. These are all actionable items you should have handled before you even knew we would have this impromptu call, but I understand if it’s hard to keep up sometimes.
Ok, I lied. That EXE file also deleted all your web browsers. I didn’t want you to be tempted to mindlessly surf the web during our brief touch base meeting. Is that a knock at your door? Good. I sent some Uber Eats your way so you wouldn’t get distracted by hunger pains. Spoiler alert: it’s a Burger King Big Fish sandwich. No fries.
That EXE file also installed a hacked version of Zoom that automatically joins the meetings I invite you to regardless of your availability, like this one coming at you right now. Zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom! I know we’re already talking on Teams and the phone at the same time but it’s urgent that we cover our bases and keep the lines of communication open.
Great, now we’re all set up on Teams, Zoom, and our phones. The Holy Trifecta! Can you turn your camera off? I’m worried our synchronous multi-level meeting may tear open unforeseen rifts in our four-dimensional continuum and plunge us into some sort of infinite cosmic labyrinth, so it’s probably best not to look at each other while we chat (plus I can’t stand watching you eat that fish sandwich).
Ok, once I add you to this Slack channel I just created, we’ll be all set up and ready to get started following up on the email I’m going to you later. Simply press accept and then
Oh, wow. My skin is bristling with an unfamiliar awareness. Am I floating? I must have found favor with the efficiency gods. I am being summoned. I can feel my spirit detaching from its mortal anchor. The totality of mankind’s collected knowledge is at my mind’s fingertips. Nothing is beyond my reach.
So what did you want to talk to me about? Nevermind. It doesn’t matter. I no longer have physical needs. I am completely fulfilled and exalted in a domain of pure light that devours all that which is wasteful and unproductive. Your measly workplace affairs matter not in The Great Beyond.
But hey, someone needs to take care of my workload while I’m gone, so I’ll just have all my messages forwarded your way. You don’t mind, do you? I’ll put in a good word for you up here.

New Dating Apps That Hopefully No One Will Ever Need

Fri, 14 Jan 2022 18:24:06 +0000

No Drama Llamas
Say, What’s That Cheesy Aroma?
Singles With Shingles
Fist A Cyst
Raunch Dressing
Chicks With Nervous Tics
CutieAnon
Procreation Only
Insurrection Erection
“Necro” Phil’s Post-Mortem Dating Service
Mates For Gaetz
You’ve Gotta Be Fuckin’ Kidding Me
Vaseline Cuisine
Castrate-A-Date

The Omicron Variants

Thu, 13 Jan 2022 21:28:39 +0000

Omicone: An iced treat made from disease
Omicroc: Semiaquatic reptile who coughs on you
Omicrone: Malady which targets elderly witches
Omicronk: The world’s most infectious dinosaur
Omicon: Convinces you your money is worthless and you should give it all to the variant
Omicomp: No charge for getting sick! (But well’s gonna cost.)
Omiconk: Blow to the head that gives you a fever
Omicorn: Even better with butter
OmiClaus: Jolly fat man who brings the gift of quarantine
OmiKant: Symptoms include a belief that reason is the source of morality. Also a throbbing headache.
OmiKent: Super-spreader disguised as mild-mannered reporter
OmiCran: The world’s most infectious soft drink
Omiclone: Bacteria that looks like Omicron but only causes whimsy
Omiscone: British biscuit that’s delicious, and communicable
OmiCohen: You call that sick? Try living next to the Berkowitzes’ cats for thirty years, then you’ll be sick!
OmiKhan: Ancient Mongol warrior who sneezed on his enemies
Omicrank: Tool used to change tires on an ambulance
OmiKlan: Gets all your Ku’s Kluxier. and kontagious
Omicrass: Person who brags about how sick they are
Omichrist: The world’s most infectious deity
Omigod: What you say when you get it

Introducing: GODSHOT

Tue, 11 Jan 2022 19:09:27 +0000

Are you tired of the same stale, repetitive nomenclature when it comes to your healthcare and medicine?
Are you fed up with reading the word ‘vaccine’ over and over again?
Do you feel like you deserve a better product with a cooler name?
Well, have we got the shot for you!
Introducing: GODSHOT. Praise him!
We know what you’re thinking: GODSHOT? Really?
Yes.
Based on our extensive market research (five minutes on Google News), we figured out three things: Americans love God, a cool name, and guns. (Oh, and not dying. Unless, it’s the death penalty. Then they’re SUPER okay with it.)
With that priceless knowledge in hand, we created our proprietary, badass product that is GUARANTEED to make you immune to all diseases, bad luck, and general unfortunate life events.
Oh, you thought this was just for COVID-19? You’ve got the holy ghost moving through you, baby! Blindness? Immune. Plague of locusts sent to destroy your crops? Protected. One of the worst diseases to surface since the Spanish Flu? We’ve GOT YOU, bro!
This pandemic has been tough and we think you deserve a fun, shiny name to get behind. I mean, the word ‘vaccine’ is so 1798 and besides, it only protects against ONE virus. How lame is that? Our shot protects you against EVERYTHING. Even food poisoning! Bet you didn’t think that was possible, but it is. Trust us. We deliberately ate spoiled food to see if it would work, and we only vomited once and our ER stay was super short! If that doesn’t convince you, I don’t know what will!
But wait, it gets even better. The three wise men (Pfizer, Moderna, and Johnson & Johnson), all had to use the Emergency Use Authorization to fast track their vaccine before eventually getting approved by the FDA, but not us. We ignored those sinful guidelines and got our shot approved by the big guy upstairs and his best friend. That’s right. We personally hit up both God and the Pope to make sure our shit was legit. And guess what? They were both so happy with it they told us: “Go ye into the world, my bros, and push the shot into every creature.”
Such glowing reviews! And with that blessing, we had to bring this to the world.
But wait! There’s more! Not only will you have the actual particles of God running through you, protecting you, and healing you along with approval from the POPE, but you’ll also get some shiny, fun stickers with “I’VE BEEN GODSHOT” written on them. That’s a deal as good as heaven.
BONUS: after receiving your shot, share it on your Facebook page! We’ve ensured that our product is safe and reliable enough to tag your most extreme, misinformed right-wing family members.
We know you’re going to love this shot as much as the rest of us. So go out and get it while supplies last!
Warning: If you’re a COVID anti-vaxxer, this shot won’t cause autism or cancer, but there are no guarantees this will protect against COVID. If you’re a COVID denier, then none of this is real. If you’re a polio and measles anti-vaxxer, we’re not sure why you’re here and recommend you read some fake news sources on your estranged aunt’s Facebook page. If you’re a general anti-vaxxer, none of this will be helpful for you and won’t work nearly as well as that non-FDA approved horse dewormer you heard about on Joe Rogan.

A Viewer’s Guide to What Would Have Been the 79th Annual Golden Globes

Fri, 07 Jan 2022 20:09:59 +0000

Since The Golden Globes will not be broadcasted this year, I’ve taken the liberty of diligently detailing what you would have experienced should the awards show have gone on ahead.
The host will make an edgy comment that divides the audience, causing shockwaves over Twitter where their permanent banning is demanded. They’ll be back next year.
A star you loved in the eighties and nineties will deliver a heartfelt, yet rambling lifetime achievement speech where they attempt to use some obscure object like the plastic tip on a shoelace to sum up how lucky they are and didn’t make it on their own, but don’t quite manage to connect the dots.
When the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association comes out to make a speech, you will turn to the person next to you and ask, “who’s that?” They will say “I don’t know.” You will watch angrily for several minutes until Olivia Coleman is brought out to present the next award.
Tom Hanks will be there, and you’ll smile and audibly say, “Awe, yay! Tom Hanks.”
Melissa McCarthy will present an award wearing a funny costume.
Kristen Wiig will present an award speaking in a funny accent.
In all likelihood, Melissa McCarthy and Kirsten Wiig will be presenting together, accompanied by either Will Ferrell or Maya Rudolph.
You will wonder, “Are they not doing an In Memoriam this year, because ________ died, and that was a big deal! That can’t be right.” You’ll google and rediscover, as you do every year, that the Globes don’t do an In Memoriam.
Many, many, many names of producers and family members that you have never heard of and will never meet will be said. for likely 76 percent of the show. In retrospect, that’s a very odd thing to watch.
You’ll say, “______’s dress is too out there. What was she thinking?”
You’ll also say, “What happened to ______’s face? It’s like they were on fire and someone tried to put it out with a rake!”
The announcer will insist this is “the wildest party of the year,” and you’ll be under the impression all celebrities are whooping it up. But remember, those parties in Eyes Wide Shut have to be based on something, right?
You will blink rapidly several times and cock your head in confusion when you hear that Ben Affleck got a nomination for an acting award.
Aaron Sorkin will win for best screenplay. There’s no joke there; he’s just always very fantastic at what he does.
You swear you will try to watch at least one of the foreign language films. You’re also watching the show alone, so you exhale in relief because there’s no one but the cat to hold you to it. He knows you don’t like reading your movies.
You will ignore the fact that the snack you are eating already spoils your New Year’s resolution.
The name Betty White will be said 6,457 times.
A moment will occur, which people will talk about on social media and meme to high heaven. Most likely a saucy comment made by a British winner or a funny face made by an awkward bystander that is up on stage but doesn’t get to speak into the microphone.
You will be shocked Mare of Easttown came out in 2021. You will also only picture Saturday Night Live’s parody called “Murdur Durdur” when the show is mentioned.
You will tearily wonder, “Why can’t I win a Golden Globe?” even though you are not in the film and television industry.
You will smile affectionately anytime Ted Lasso is mentioned and audibly say, “Awe, I loved Ted Lasso.”
You will snicker every time Jamie Dornan is mentioned.
The mentioning of names like Emma Stone, Lady Gaga, Kristen Stewart, Kirsten Dunst, Will Smith, Ewan McGregor, and Jennifer Anniston will make you think it’s 2008. It’s not. That was almost fifteen years ago..
You will flip through the TV channels, see that the Golden Globes are on. again. and inexplicably rewatch a large portion of the awards show you just watched.
Sure, you will have made a mental note to watch that one nominee that looked pretty interesting, but you’ll forget about it until The Academy Awards and binge-watch old episodes...

Quiz: Apology from a Jan. 6 Rioter or Comment After a 6-Hour Game of Monopoly?

Thu, 06 Jan 2022 22:38:33 +0000

I can’t believe I got roped into it
I went to jail at the worst possible time
Mortgaging my property to help me get back on my feet was humbling
Some members of my family are disgusted with me
I made an impulsive decision while on Pennsylvania Avenue
I felt so isolated during the pandemic that I just wanted to do something as part of a group
Unflattering pictures of me showed up on social media afterward
I’m lucky I wasn’t shot
I should’ve walked away when I saw all those mustachioed white guys who looked the same
I thought I’d at least get a commemorative coin out of the whole thing
Now I see how the 1% takes advantage of us to do their bidding
I missed a call from my boss and ended up losing my job
I kept looking around for a noose
I never should’ve left my hotel on New York Avenue
I’ll never do it again, unless we can keep it under 90 minutes
Answer Key:
1,3,4,7,10,12,14 = Rioter apology
2,5,6,8,9,11,13 = Post-game Monopoly comment
15 = Both

#CannabisACandy

Wed, 05 Jan 2022 22:41:02 +0000

Give me a hit of that.Nestle’s Munch! It’s #CannabisACandy on this week’s trending joke game! Here are some of the best on @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST.
Let’s play #CannabisACandy with co-host @HashtagRoundup powered by @TheHashtagGame TOP TWEETS go up on
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) January 5, 2022
#CannabisACandy. Doobie Bubble
😉Diane😻 (@kitawny24) January 5, 2022
High Chew #CannabisACandy
Dan Levey (@iamdanlevey) January 5, 2022
Whatchamacal-Lit #CannabisACandy
Elizabeth K (@elizabethk1985) January 5, 2022
Pots. #CannabisACandy
Rodney Ibarra (@Jexpo1976) January 5, 2022
Hit o Honey #CannabisACandy
Sydney Kravetz (@booksavor) January 5, 2022
Ring Pot #CannabisACandy
Julia Gulia (@SwimmerJlo) January 5, 2022
#CannabisACandy. Boston Wake & Baked Beans
😉Diane😻 (@kitawny24) January 5, 2022
Toke 5 #CannabisACandy
CK (@charley_ck14) January 5, 2022
Uncontrollable Snickers #CannabisACandy
CK (@charley_ck14) January 5, 2022
Purple Hazlenut Bar #CannabisACandy
Raven Richards (@RavenRichards93) January 5, 2022
100 Gram #CannabisACandy
Alisun Jane (@AlisunJane) January 5, 2022
Blow Pot #CannabisACandy
Dan Levey (@iamdanlevey) January 5, 2022
#CannabisACandy. Rolo One Up
😉Diane😻 (@kitawny24) January 5, 2022
Stoney Patch Kids#CannabisACandy
Vanessa (@Nessanator) January 5, 2022
Milk Buds #CannabisACandy
Steven (@1Stevestweets) January 5, 2022
100 Grand Daddy Purple #CannabisACandy
勇男Shanzo (@ShanzoNoji) January 5, 2022
#CannabisACandy
CannaBiscuits!!
Raven Richards (@RavenRichards93) January 5, 2022
#CannabisACandy Resin-ettes
teenser no longer defeated (@cmoog57) January 5, 2022
#CannabisACandy. Cottonmouth Candy
Jan. You Wary? 🇺🇸🌊🎶🍻✌❤ (@JanGilson) January 5, 2022
#CannabisACandy
THCandy Hearts
Kentucky Mom💥💙💥 #BBN (@LapeNurse) January 5, 2022
#CannabisACandy Blunts
Narnia’s Most Wanted (@pinktights1969) January 5, 2022
Milky High Way #CannabisACandy
Trista❤️ (@TristaSnyder32) January 5, 2022
Mr. Goodshit #CannabisACandy @paul_lander
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) January 5, 2022
Nestle’s Munch #CannabisACandy
Ronnie Welsch (@Ronzo65) January 5, 2022
Milk Dudes #CannabisACandy @paul_lander
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) January 5, 2022
Bit-o-joint.#CannabisACandy
Cleavage Gnome (@CleavageGnome) January 5, 2022
Fun Dabs. #CannabisACandy
jessica (@Jessicakibel) January 5, 2022
🔥🔥 #CannabisACandy Candy Chronic
Judie Geeee! (@cutupx2) January 5, 2022
Reefer’s Cups #CannabisACandy
Bianca Shaw🛸 (@BiancaAnneShaw) January 5, 2022
#CannabisACandy. Toke and ike
Sammy is here 520 (@520Sammy) January 5, 2022
Very Jolly Rancher #CannabisACandy @bleicher_newton
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) January 5, 2022
Hashy Kisses #CannabisACandy
Narnia’s Most Wanted (@pinktights1969) January 5, 2022
Dank Chocolate #CannabisACandy
donatello (@therealdondi) January 5, 2022
#CannabisACandy. Don’t Bogart that butterfinger
DM (@patchdennizen) January 5, 2022
#CannabisACandy. LemonPotHead
😉Diane😻 (@kitawny24) January 5, 2022
Marijuana and Molly Rancher #CannabisACandy @paul_lander
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) January 5, 2022
Weedish Fish #CannabisACandy
Elizabeth K (@elizabethk1985) January 5, 2022
York Peppermint Pothead #CannabisACandy @KitLively
Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) January 5, 2022
Milk Doobs #CannabisACandy @WeeklyHumorist
T❄m Chitty™ (@tomchitty) January 5, 2022
Russell Stoner #CannabisACandy
Sydney Kravetz (@booksavor) January 5, 2022
Jolly Reefer#CannabisACandy@WeeklyHumorist
Richie the C (@RtotheTtotheC) January 5, 2022
“Eminems” #CannabisACandy
Tangee B (@DejaCQQ99) January 5, 2022

Highlights From The Capitol Insurrection Reunion Special Hosted By James Corden

Wed, 05 Jan 2022 21:59:27 +0000

James Corden: Welcome everybody! It’s hard to believe that we are a whole year out from the insurrection that everybody couldn’t stop talking about, but here we are! You may be wondering why I, of all people, am the one hosting this reunion when Jimmy Fallon could have made it equally accessible across the political aisle. The answer is: scheduling and salary! Don’t worry though, we’ve got great interviews with all of your favorites coming up. Thanks to our sponsor, Smartwater! Whether you think Antifa staged the Capitol riots or you know Trump supporters did, Smartwater thinks you’re smart.
James Corden: Let’s bring out some insurrectionists, shall we!?
Three insurrectionists enter, hugging like they haven’t seen each other in forever.
Insurrectionist #1: You look amazing!
Insurrectionist #2: You too! Did you end up pleading guilty?
Insurrectionist #3: Nope, going to trial soon. Defending myself actually.
Insurrectionist #2: You’re a lawyer?
Insurrectionist #3: Absolutely not!
James Corden: Ok, ok, ok, let’s play a game! Remember that moment in the insurrection when you all threatened the lives of the Capitol police?
Insurrectionist #2: How could I forget?
James Corden: It was truly unforgettable! Let’s bring out the cops.
Three cops walk on stage and form a line. All the insurrectionists look shocked and say “No way!”
James Corden: I need each of you to guess which of these cops was the one you all threatened that day.
Insurrectionist #1: Wow, this is embarrassing. Hmmm.I’m not sure, but I’ll say the one in the middle.
Insurrectionist #2 and #3 nod in agreement.
James Corden: Let’s reveal the answer. Will the real cop please step forward?
All three cops step forward.
James Corden: It was all of them!
Corden and the Insurrectionists all smile and laugh.
Cop #1: I had to pepper-spray you!
Insurrectionist #2: You did!
James Corden: Brilliant! Now let’s celebrate this refreshing reunion with a thirst quenching Smartwater!
Corden quickly passes out Smartwaters to everyone on stage.
James Corden: Today’s reunion wouldn’t be complete without a special visit with everybody’s favorite star of the insurrection–the Q-Shaman. Let’s roll the clip.
Corden is shown in a golf-cart next to the Q-Shaman, driving in a circle in the yard of an Arizona prison.
James Corden: I know I should be professional, but I can’t help but fan-boy out on you right now. When you were in the hall of congress and you sang that beautiful song, how, how did you come up with that?
Q Shaman: I don’t know. If I’m being honest it’s just the only sound I could come up with at the time.
James Corden: Poetic.
A tape of indecipherable guttural chants plays to which the Q-Shaman and Corden sing along, making direct eye contact and smiling at each other.
James Corden: No celebration of the capitol riots would be complete without celebrating all the fantastic lewks!
Justin Bieber is rolled across the stage with his foot up on a mockup of Nancy Pelosi’s desk.
Cindy Crawford carries a podium bearing the seal of the speaker of the house and smiles and waves as she crosses the stage.
Cara Delevinge struts across the stage in ill-fitting MAGA-branded clothes.
Insurrectionist #2 uses his phone to take a picture of each, amazed at what he sees.
Insurrectionist #1: When I think about it now, I mean, sure–we didn’t overturn the election results, or hang Mike Pence for being not as cool as we all thought he was, but maybe it wasn’t really about that. Maybe it shouldn’t have been about the destination of wherever Nancy Pelosi was hiding that day, but rather about the journey through the shattered glass of the Capitol Building’s windows and forever staining our country’s peaceful transfer of power, ya know?
James Corden has tears streaming down his face. Everyone on stage shares a hug.
James Corden: We put together a little video to highlight some of our favorite moments and to acknowledge those who couldn’t get their court-ordered ankle bracelets off to be here in person tonight.
J...

Shiv Roy’s Tips for How To #GirlBoss Your Way Through Losing Control of the Family Company

Tue, 04 Jan 2022 21:03:31 +0000

What an outstanding group of Greg’s future ex girlfriends we have here! Hi, Shiv Roy. You’ve probably heard of me. I worked on the Gill Eavis campaign? Former president of Waystar Royco? Went viral for writing a scathing corporate memo that revealed my brother’s long-standing drug addiction? Excellent.
Now that we’re all on the same page, listen – I get it. Losing control sucks. It’s not like I’ve been dying to get kicked out of my own company. But whatever, it happens. Uh, so these are my tips for how to power suit, #girlboss, or whatever the fuck your way out of losing your rightful claim to power.
“It’s not me, it’s you”: Redirect Everyone’s Attention To Focus Elsewhere
You want to put out the fire before the trees catch fire and the fucking house burns to the ground. They can’t attack you if they’re not thinking about you, so divert attention elsewhere by any means necessary. One time, I tried to weaponize somebody else’s sexual harassment claim in an attempt to stage a corporate takeover. Well, I guess she hadn’t technically filed a complaint, but she was thinking about it, and I encouraged her to move forward – you know, women supporting other women and all that female empowerment bullshit. Anyway, it didn’t work, she never filed the claim and I never got to stage the corporate takeover that we so desperately needed, but it did buy me time by shifting the focus onto my dick-obsessed, oedipal, creep of a brother.
Utilize Your Connections
Unsure of what’s coming next? Time to whip out that little black book (not that one, you perv). Call everyone with a pulse to leverage your options. What’s Gill Eavis up to? How about Nan Pierce? Or even Nate? Don’t look at me like that, you greedy bitches. I’m just keeping my options open. Don’t forget that you know people, real people, who can hook you up. If you don’t have the sort of connections I do, I don’t know, try blackmail.
Dress For Success
I don’t talk about this a lot, but I spend like, tens of thousands on my outfits every year. They don’t just hand out silk and satin for free at the church bake sale – these blouses are made by tiny little hands in some fuck all country where that shit is legal. And don’t repeat outfits, either. Wear your sweat-shop-designer dress one time and then give it to your assistant or whatever. Anyway, my point is, invest in yourself. Power suits, turtlenecks, pencil skirts, you know.clothes that say “don’t fuck with me.”
Ask The Right Questions And Get Everything In Writing
Those motherfuckers will try their best, but they can’t cut you out if you keep talking. Never let a meeting end until you’ve got what you’ve been promised in writing. Use buzz-phrases like “corporate restructuring”, “portfolio management”, “pending board approval”, whatever you have to say to prevent the sun from crashing into the Earth like Frank’s performance at the shareholder meeting. Speaking of contracts, I strongly urge all of you heiresses to read over your inheritance terms. If you find any ink stain that leaves you even the tiniest bit unsure, lawyer-up.
Don’t Trust Anybody
When shit’s falling apart, don’t trust anybody. Don’t trust your friends, don’t trust your mother, don’t trust your husband. If you’re going to trust anyone, only trust me when I say not to trust anyone.
Lean on Family
I mean literally lean, for support, on your brother’s head. He’s sitting on the ground, amidst a nervous breakdown, but like, yeah, you get it. Support. Family. All of that.
Just Keep It Together
Finding out you’re losing control of your family’s company, a company you were twice promised, is bullshit. And to learn this at your mom’s short-notice wedding to her gold-digging beau, yeah, not ideal. But it’s important to keep your shit together – you can lose control of the family company, but not your emotions. Sometimes, your husband is going to rip the carpet out from under you and then use it to mop up your blood before wrapping himself inside that same carpet and snuggling your ...

My Proudest Accomplishments From 2021

Fri, 31 Dec 2021 20:21:13 +0000

Invented a time-traveling buttock massager that took first place at the 1893 Chicago World’s Fair .
Found a package of floss in a dead guy’s pocket, turned it into the Chili’s lost and found without a second thought.
Rather than paying for an expensive tattoo removal, simply purchased a new prosthetic arm.
Paid an Uber Eats driver seventy bucks to spit a loogie into Marjorie Taylor Greene’s salad from Wendy’s.
Taught myself to astral project, used this newfound ability to covertly discover the secret ingredients in peanut brittle.
Used my 401k to purchase land and develop a nudist community for those with psoriasis called Flakey Acres.

QUIZ: Do You Have a Celebrity Crush or an Unhealthy Attraction to Sexy Psychopaths?

Fri, 31 Dec 2021 19:49:45 +0000

What drew you to your favorite onscreen villain? a. The actor who plays the villain is perfectly cast and able to flawlessly transform into the dark, complex character. Also, he is hot. b. The villain character is powerful, intelligent, mysterious, suave, and well-dressed. He is extremely charismatic and deliciously dangerous and has a devastating smirk. Also, he is hot (made even hotter by battle scars and/or blood and human viscera on his person).
Which reading material do you prefer? a. Profiles of the actor who plays the villain, tidbits about him on celebrity gossip sites, and his various musings on Instagram and other social media platforms b. Steamy fanfiction featuring the villain that delves into his canonical and non-canonical relationships with other fictional characters
Which of the following would be your ideal dinner date? a. Joining the actor who plays the villain for a romantic, candlelit dinner in his trailer on set. (Hey, he’s a busy guy.) He’ll share humorous behind-the-scenes anecdotes and maybe even ask one or two questions about your life. After that, who knows what might happen? (Sex. Hopefully sex will happen.) b. Joining the villain for dinner in his creepy-but-sexy secret lair, even though you may unknowingly consume an endangered species and/or human flesh, and your fingerprints may be surreptitiously collected for nefarious purposes. (He could have chosen anyone to frame, and he chose YOU!)
Which of the following do you fantasize about? a. A night of hot sex with the actor who portrays the villain, being fully aware that you may never see him again, and he may not remember your name. b. A night of hot sex with the villain (you know he’ll never kink-shame you) being fully aware that he may forgo a postcoital cuddle in favor of sneaking out to perform assorted evil deeds
It’s late on a Saturday night, and you’re home alone. Which option is more enticing? a. A visit from the actor who plays the villain, who rings your doorbell bearing champagne and assorted gourmet goodies. (They’re probably leftovers from award ceremony swag bags—but it’s still a nice gesture, right?) Time to provide some late-night hospitality! b. An invitation from the villain to the aforementioned sexy secret lair. Perhaps he’s lonely and needs some comforting (not surprising, considering he’s perpetually misunderstood and clearly needs an open-minded partner to provide emotional—and sexual—support). Maybe he needs an alibi. Could be both.
Which relationship would you find more fulfilling? a. Getting to know the actor who plays the villain—well, at least superficially—and meeting some of his celebrity friends. Attending the Oscars and exclusive after-parties as his date would be a nice bonus. b. Being manipulated and gaslit by the villain until you become unmoored from reality and lose your grip on your sense of self. (It’s worth it for that devastating smirk.)
Scoring: Mostly A: You have a celebrity crush! Apparently, this is now called a “parasocial relationship,” which sounds more sophisticated, no?
Mostly B: You have an unhealthy attraction to fictional sexy psychopaths! You may want to explore this tendency with a qualified therapist and/or Reddit users.

Some More Sus Guidance From the CDC - We’re beginning to think they’re not taking things seriously

Wed, 29 Dec 2021 23:43:06 +0000

“But the new CDC guidance, which shortens the recommended isolation time from 10 days to five days for people without symptoms, has come under harsh criticism from some health experts who say it was not based on ‘science’ and could cause still infectious asymptomatic people to transmit the virus to others.” -NBC News
The CDC recommends you answer their “u up?” text.
The CDC says add them on Snap.
The CDC says they get so lonely sometimes.
The CDC wants to know if ur comfortable meeting up rn like ur not paranoid or whatever, right?
The CDC admits they’re not looking for anything serious right now, they’re kinda in a vulnerable place.
The CDC apologizes that they forgot to text – they’ve been reading Infinite Jest and that’s a real priority for them right now.
The CDC asks if you ever think about marriage? But like they don’t really care, really just curious, also would it upset you if they were married?
The CDC is all heyyy they probably won’t be able to meet up tonight (sry bout that) but they’re playing a show tmrw on the LES at 1am if u wanted to stop by with some friends 😉
The CDC texts sorry their phone died.
The CDC mumbles you can stay over but they have a really early morning.
The CDC says this has been really fun, we should do it again in five days.
The CDC yells calm down, are you on your period???
The CDC confides you mean a lot to them but mostly in a sexual way.
The CDC recommends you don’t Google them cause there was this “me too” thing that got blown out of proportion.
The CDC says so sorry they’re only just now seeing these texts.
The CDC sings can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk? I didn’t mean to call u that.
The CDC recommends you listen to Joe Rogen because he actually makes some really good points.
The CDC purrs that that N95 looks good on you, but would look even better on the floor next to your bed.
The CDC messages new phone who dis?
The CDC says I promise, I can change.
The CDC insists if you’re triple vaxxed it’s totally safe to do butt stuff!

I’m Your Housekeeper and Yes...I Judge You

Tue, 28 Dec 2021 23:09:48 +0000

We’ve only met once and communicate entirely through Venmo and post-its. I’m continuously surprised by your lack of dignity and inability to sweep the floor, but you’re never home.so I tolerate your filth and gladly accept your handsome cash tips.
Are we gonna address the ant situation or just keep ignoring it? I’m fine either way.
When did you start breeding cocker spaniels?
Note: a $20 surcharge has been added to your fee because I had to hand-wash the dishes due to all the dog hair in your dishwasher. How’d that even happen?
I know you only recycle when you have company.
You didn’t put a dog in the dishwasher.did you?
I’m pretty certain someone is living in your attic.
Stop buying plants.
Wait, are you running a hush-hush operation out of the attic? If not, I know a guy who can check it out (you know.for ghosts.he does ants too)
Why am I getting whiffs of ranch dressing every time I walk past your guest room? Not Hidden Valley though.the kind you get at a pizzeria where they mix the ranch powder in giant vats of water.
You can stop with the yoga mat charade.
Oh my god.are you cutting cocaine with ranch dressing powder in the attic? That would explain both the smell and the stomping.
I can’t decide if that splotch on your nightstand is self-tanner or SpaghettiOs sauce. How anyone can create a stain that resists the power of a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser™ is beyond me.
Regarding the nightstand, I’m not touching your vibrators, but someone needs to clean them.
Those checkered Vans are hideous. Either wash em or toss em.. You don’t even skate.
Can you please explain this obsession with Tervis and Yeti?
Dusting between cleanings would really cut back on your seasonal allergies (I saw the Benadryl.) I bet you rub your eyes a lot, don’t you? Stop rubbing them..stop rubbing your eyes!
Mouth Breather.

CARTOON: Knee Slap

Fri, 24 Dec 2021 02:38:06 +0000

12 Festive Ways To Fire A Whole Bunch Of Employees Right Before Christmas

Fri, 24 Dec 2021 02:12:51 +0000

Better.com’s mercurial chief executive, Vishal Garg, faced swift backlash for his decision to fire more than 900 employees on a Zoom call last week. Some employees were sent a Christmas package containing a trophy, certificate and company T-shirt. Via The New York Times, December 10, 2021
Invite staff to a holiday dinner party. Ax everyone at the opening remarks. Remove food immediately.
Dress as Santa. Walk around the office giving out pretty presents to doomed employees. Inside there’s a note: “Use this box to empty your desk.”
Drum up excitement over a company Advent calendar. Place notes like “Here’s to your future,” “Good things coming,” and “Can’t wait for the date” inside. The note is a list of terminated folks.
Do a 4th Quarter check-in. Share your screen with a Home Alone-themed meme: “Merry Christmas, you filthy, fired animals.” Continue with the perks being implemented for the rest of the office.
Hold an office Christmas tree lighting ceremony. Ask select personnel to hang their now-deactivated key cards as ornaments. Elves escort the terminated out before entertainment arrives.
Throw a company-wide happy hour. Serve eggnog. The message: “You’ve been 86-ed” is revealed at the bottom of the cups given to the unlucky.
Install a holiday photo booth. Have photos print with “Surprise! My last day at the company.”
Take employees to a performance of The Nutcracker. Tell everyone to look under their chairs for a “Termination Effective Immediately” notice. Kick those guys out of the theater.
Have company execs dress as Carollers. Send them to everyone on the chopping block’s address. Have them sing songs like:
“We wish you a Merry Firing. Good riddance we bring to you and your kin. We wish you a Merry Firing and a Happy Job Search.”
Plan a Secret Santa party offsite. Arrange Ubers for everyone in the office. Drive past the party spot, outfitted with a large sign “For Company Employees only.” Take the ex-employees home.
Rent buses for a mid-day company retreat. Stop at the edge of a snowy cliff for a winter wonderland photo op. Above there’s a reindeer pulling a sleigh with the sign: “You’re all sacked.”
Gather around the company fireplace for a live yule log. Serve hot cocoa. Toss employment contracts of the terminated into the flames.

Santa’s Most Surprisingly Requested Gifts

Fri, 24 Dec 2021 02:11:52 +0000

Q&Anon
This handy gadget is on the list of every tech nut! A quick swipe tells if the person next to you is a member of QAnon. A great way to begin work on next year’s naughty list.
TesTickle Me Elmo
The perfect gift for that someone who has always been curious about what it would be like to teabag a member of the Sesame Street gang.
Stew-Quet
A bouquet of delicious stew! For the person on your list who is impossible to shop for, and also loves stew.
Naked Lady Novelty Air Sickness Bags (pack of 12)
Remember those drinking glasses that, once filled with cool liquid, would remove the clothing from the photo of the attractive lady on the side of the glass? This is essentially the same thing, but instead a vomit bag that performs the same trick when filled with warm liquid. A great stocking stuffer for the traveler in your life!
This Is Not A Vibrator! Personal Massager
Comes packaged in a container with “This Is Not A Vibrator!” printed in bold type to let the others celebrating the holiday with you know that, in no uncertain terms, this personal massager is definitely not going to be used as a mechanical penis.

Introducing The North Pole Podcast Network

Thu, 23 Dec 2021 21:58:27 +0000

DTH (Deck The Halls) with Santa Claus
An unfiltered and unapologetic Marc Maron rip-off wherein the big guy sits down in his garage at the “Fat Ranch,” with all the celebrities that Santa held grudges against in the ‘80s and ’90s. He doesn’t pull any punches as he asks them the tough questions, like what their parents were like, before relating everything back to his own struggle with addiction to milk and cookies.
My Favorite Myrrh-der
The three boisterous Wisemen, Melchior, Caspar and Balthazar, discuss cold-cases of biblical proportions, all while being regular cut-ups on this twice-weekly show. Reading verbatim from sketchy subreddits and the first Bing search result that comes up, these three go deep on some of the most notorious smitings from before the common era, of which a surprising amount involve throwing loose rocks. You’ll love their famous catchphrase: “Stay repentant and don’t get smote.”
Call Him Frosty
A podcast so steamy that it threatens to melt its very host, Call Him Frosty is a relationship advice show hosted by your favorite magical snowman. From parading around town in only a magic hat, to doing the thumpety-thump-thump, there is no topic too raunchy for old Frosty, who puffs his corn cob pipe on-air through each provocative detail. With his intimate knowledge of the human body, you’ll start to wonder why Professor Hinkle continues to bring him to life each year with such verisimilitude. Check out next week’s scandalous interview with Lisa Lampanelli.
Yukon Cornelius Needs Some Gold
Conan may need a friend, but Yukon needs some gold. Everyone’s favorite ineffectual red-haired prospector is making a desperate cash-grab, transitioning from the dying business of wandering around the arctic in search of peppermint, to the somehow less lucrative business of podcasting. In interviewing different misfit toys, Cornelius brings his signature self-effacement, constantly poking fun at his beady eyes and awkward personality. It’s funny for sure, but sometimes, the premise feels thin. Listen to Yukon belittle his sound engineers while talking about working on various episodes of The Simpsons, every Thursday.
Missing: An Elf On The Shelf Podcast
On December 17th of 2018, Carl Muscott placed his daughter’s Elf on the Shelf atop her dresser in hopes that she’d spot it first thing in the morning. Only she didn’t because when she woke up, it wasn’t there, gone without so much as a trace of tinsel. This investigatory podcast talks to those closest to the events in hopes of finding out what truly happened on that fateful night. You and your friends will have a blast arguing over whether it was snatched by the daughter’s deadbeat friend, buried by the step-mom’s chihuahua, or if maybe — the Elf and the dad were in on it the whole time. Equal parts frightening and festive, Missing: An Elf On The Shelf Podcast goes to dark corners of elf-culture, diving deeper than any true crime elf podcast has before.
The Ben Shapiro & Grinch Show
Are you tired of all of Cindy Lou Who’s liberal propaganda? Is the Whoville lame-stream media trying to force its socialist ideas down your throat? Sick of Mayor Augustus May Who and the other sheeple in power telling you how to run your herd? Then look no further than the closest thing to a war crime ever recorded, The Ben Shapiro & Grinch Show. This daily podcast has two of the most small-hearted and least-educated people ever given a platform, scowling at the idea of different cultures from a dark ugly cave at the top of a mountain. Is what they say accurate? Almost never. Is it entertaining? Nope. Do they have a massive following? You bet they do!
The Workshop Ladies
Zooey Deschanel and Mary Steenburgen explore their roles as Jovie and Emily in the 2003 holiday classic Elf, sharing scintillating behind-the-scenes stories from filming that everyone probably would have already assumed. Each week, they read a summary of the plot of the movie — from Wikipedia — and then share fun facts about wh...

Cautionary Christmas Tale From Harry Ellis: Cocaine And Terrorists Don’t Mix

Thu, 23 Dec 2021 19:40:20 +0000

Business is business, am I right? Or so I thought until that fateful Christmas Eve in 1988 when I learned that being a hostage and trying to negotiate is not what makes someone a “hostage negotiator.”
Imagine: you’re me, Harry Ellis, one of the hottest real estate brokers for the Nakatomi Corporation, it’s the late 1980s, you’re celebrating not only Christmas Eve but one of the biggest deals in the company’s history, and then the entire building is taken over by German terrorists. They really Krampussed our Christmas.
Now, keep in mind, I negotiate million dollar deals for breakfast and I watch 60 Minutes. You put my business negotiating skills together with the fact that I watched most of that Barbara Walters’ segment on terrorism and, man, that’s how heroes are made. I figure, business is business. These guys use guns, I use a fountain pen, what’s the difference? It turns out the difference is not as negligible as I’d thought.
I don’t know who came up with the term “the pen is mightier than the sword,” but I can unequivocally say that the pen is not mightier than the gun. That’s one failed negotiation that I’ll never be able to take back. Can you blame me for trying though? I was flying high on the heels of closing an historic deal. That and I was extremely high. I did a lot of cocaine that night. LA isn’t known for its snow at Christmas, but I made sure I had lots of snow wink, wink for my nose.
After finishing my last two bumps, I couldn’t just sit there and watch idly as terrorists searched fruitlessly for their detonators. Also, I couldn’t sit still any longer. I was very twitchy after all of that cocaine.
When I learned that Holly’s deadbeat husband, John McClane, was running around the building pretending to be Rambo, I knew I had to step in and broker a deal with the Euro trash who were holding us hostage.
When it comes to business deals you want to let the other person know that you’re on the same page, that you’re speaking their language. I can still see the impressed look on that one longhaired German’s face when I asked, “Hey, sprechen ze talk?” Goddamn I was smooth.
I figured: I go in and schmooze em’ up with my gift of gab. Let my silver tongue do the work. Badda-bing, badda-boom, everybody’s happy. At least that’s how it all played out in my cocaine-infused imagination.
The next thing you want to do is flatter the person you’re negotiating with; let em’ know they’re happenin’. Assure them that you can give them what they want. In this case I knew they wanted McClane, so I announced, “Hans, bubby, I’m your white knight. I can give him to ya!” I’ve since learned that bubby is Yiddish for grandmother, so that might be where things started to come off the rails. Speaking of rails – I can’t stress this enough – I was exceedingly high on cocaine.
It’s not ideal to have to rely on a third party’s cooperation in order to close your deal, but I thought I could talk some sense into John boy and get him to give the Germans their detonators. They wanted the detonators so they could set Nakatomi Plaza to blow. I just wanted more blow.
My negotiations seemed to be going fairly well because my captors were being very nice to me. They poured me a tall glass of Coca-Cola, though I wish they had been offering me the powdered variety.
Thanks to the coke, my confidence was soaring. I was delivering an Oscar-worthy performance, telling John that I was putting my life on the line for him. Do you know how he reacted? By referring to me as a “shit head.” Then he specifically went out of his way to tell Hans, “This asshole is not my friend.” That cut through me like a credit card cuts through a pile of coke. It also didn’t help my credibility with the Germans.
My confidence wavered when Hans took out his gun. I thought about countering by reaching for my fountain pen, but I was hit with a series of epiphanies. One: cocaine and German terrorists don’t mix. Two: staring down the barrel of a gun at your imminent death leaves you parche...

The Collective Bargaining Agreement Of Santa’s Reindeer

Tue, 21 Dec 2021 20:55:42 +0000

THIS AGREEMENT is made and entered into by and between SAINT NICHOLAS, hereinafter called “Santa” and the TEAMSTERS, LOCAL -40°F/-40°C hereinafter called “The Reindeer” and recognizes the union as the exclusive bargaining agent for all Reindeer and other non-typical aeronautical Mammalia employed by Santa and his various aliases (Kris Kringle, Pere Noel, Father Christmas, De Kertzman, Babbo Natale, Santa-San, Julenisse [Yule Nise], Kaledu Senelis, and Kanakaloka) as provided hereunder. NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the mutual promises set forth below, IT IS HEREBY AGREED
1. Term
This Agreement shall commence at sunset on December 24, 2021, and end at sunrise on December 25, 2021.
2. Union Reindeer
2.1. Any Reindeer who, on the effective date of this Agreement, is a member of The Union shall, as a condition of employment by Santa, remain a Reindeer in good standing during the term of this Agreement. A “Reindeer in Good Standing” shall include the requirement of paying initiation fees and work dues as well as being able not to bite and attack when startled by sudden loud noises or compulsively fornicate on the rooftops of the good boys and girls around the world.
2.2. Membership to the union is not compulsory. All Reindeer have a right to join, not join, maintain, or drop their membership in the Union as they see fit.
2.3. But not literally in the middle of a Christmas Eve route.
2.4. That is not allowed.
3. Hiring Practices
Each Reindeer will receive a contract at noon on December 24 along with an interpreter who will translate the contract from English to Reindeer talk. Individual Contracts shall include feeding times, chin tickles (cootchie, cootchie, coo time), and the seasonal hunting schedules of all sovereign states recognized by The United Nations.
4. Compensation
Santa shall pay scale wages for each Reindeer as follows:
Two-and-a-half (2 ½) carrots every three (3) hours or sixteen (16) leaves of lettuce per four-hundred (400) rooftops, with one (1) ten (10) minute cootchie, cootchie, coo per continent.
5. Working Conditions And Safety
Santa will make every effort to provide and maintain safe working conditions. The Union will cooperate in these efforts by encouraging its nine members to work in a safe manner and to obey established safety protocols as dictated per Santa’s policy.
5.1.a. Santa agrees to follow applicable Veterinary recommendations regarding health and safety regarding issues that are found common in most deer species including but not limited to: ticks, worms, rabies, blue tongue, tularemia, and chronic wasting disease.
5.1.b The Reindeer promise to alert Santa that there is a problem by way of barking, squealing, refusing food, incontinence, and just being plain old grumpy little Gusses.
5.2.a. Santa agrees to provide proper safety equipment to protect his Reindeer from the harsh winter conditions.
5.2.b. The Reindeer can’t promise that they will use them properly due to the fact that they are Reindeer and they don’t know any better. They are at times friendly and docile but also a very stubborn species. It is up to Santa to make sure they are protected from the elements. Reindeer do not understand causality because they are animals and much dumber than people.
6. Cancelation
6.1. If Christmas is canceled for any reason, no payment will be made.
6.2. Christmas may be canceled in any household or on a mass civic scale for any reason due to unforeseen circumstances or force majeure such as acts of terrorism, armageddon, or a mother of three children whose bratty middle child really set her off one afternoon which drove her to start drinking and screaming, “CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED THIS YEAR!” in a desperate act to regain control of her household.
6.2. a. In the event of a terrorist attack, Santa and his reindeer are not obligated to use their magic that is fueled by the spirit of Christmas and the pure hears and minds of children to help out in any way.
6.2. b. In the event of the “fed up” mother ca...

I’m a Christmas Elf and There’s Nothing Festive About My Legs Dangling From This Car’s Trunk

Fri, 17 Dec 2021 20:56:06 +0000

You see my legs dangling from this car’s trunk, right? White and red striped leggings, pointy green shoes. You’re thinking, “Isn’t that cute? Whoever’s driving that car has a Christmas elf on board.” What you obviously haven’t considered is, “Why the frick are the elf’s legs hanging out of a closed trunk?” This isn’t some cute Christmas tradition, it’s a fricking hostage situation!
I’m sorry, I’ve never sworn before. Please forgive me, Santa. It’s hard to maintain my usual wondrous optimism and zest for life when I’ve got my legs pinned down by, and protruding from, a closed trunk. That kind of blunt trauma tends to sour even the most chipper of people.
I know elves are renowned for our magical work ethic and energy, but we’re not invincible. We’re lithe and lean, designed to endure countless hours of labor on our feet, but our bones are no different than yours. So, yeah, having a car’s trunk slammed shut on my legs broke those skinny mothers in half. It sounded just like that time Rudolph accidentally stepped on a box of candy canes. A cacophony of cracks, crunches, and sickening pops. If it weren’t for the stockings holding everything in place, my legs would have fallen right off.
When I came to, after passing out from the initial pain, I tried to look on the bright side: with my legs morbidly displayed in plain sight, someone was bound to notice and come to my aid. I mean, this driver might as well have a giant sign that says: “I have an injured elf held captive in my trunk!” I thought, “Surely some good samaritan will call the authorities or be concerned enough to make a citizen’s arrest.” I couldn’t have been more wrong.
In a disheartening and disgusting twist of fate, it seems people are actually amused by the site of my nearly severed legs flapping helplessly in the wind. It taunts me to hear people’s giddy reactions to my plight: “Oh my gosh, look at those adorable elf legs! Isn’t that cute, they’re sticking out from the trunk. How festive!” What’s wrong with you, can’t you see I need help?
Nothing says Christmas spirit and “Good tidings to all” like an elf’s legs sticking out from underneath a latched trunk. That’s not jolly or festive! That’s just frigged up. I’ve seen faux severed hands dangling from cars for Halloween and everyone can have a good larf at that harmless gag. But my captor is blatantly advertising that he’s a psychopath, driving around with my legs swaying from his elf-knapping mobile. There isn’t a piece of coal in the entire world big enough to put in this sadist’s stocking.
I initially thought I was being held for ransom. If only I could have been so lucky. No, it seems I’m enroute to some underground exotic meat market. A group of bored billionaires with adventurous tastes heard that elves are the mystical equivalent of veal. Apparently, our youthful innocence makes for rather tender meat. Well, the joke’s on them! Fear and suffering spoil the meat of any creature and after being put through this mash-up of 127 Hours and Misery, I’m going to taste pretty rancid. Also, I’ve purposefully soiled myself. Twice. Bon appetit, you rich snobs.
We all know what happens when a child says, “I don’t believe in fairies.” A far worse fate awaits elves every time someone ignores our limbs hanging loose from a trunk. I’d rather drop dead than be served up to a bunch of ultra-wealthy elf eaters.
I doubt even a Christmas miracle could save me at this point. Santa, I hope you find these naughty bastards and deck the halls with their stomach linings. These fat-cat tycoons can jingle all the way, to hell.
Please, don’t let my death be in vain. We elves work all-year to provide for your children. When we’re not toiling in Santa’s workshop or sitting stoically on your shelf, we’re at the mall trying to take a perfectly timed picture of children on St. Nick’s lap. Don’t let any of my brothers or sisters share my cruel fate. Promise me that if you ever see an elve’s legs trailing from a trunk, you won’t brush it off as...

I’m The Peloton Bike That Killed Mr. Big, and I’d Like to Set The Record Straight

Thu, 16 Dec 2021 20:07:22 +0000

“A lead character suffers a fatal heart attack during the first episode of the series after taking a spin class on one of the company’s pricey exercise bikes. Peloton shares plunged 11% following the midnight release of the highly anticipated premiere episode on Thursday, with many viewers expressing online concerns that the bikes could induce a coronary episode.” –The New York Post
In light of recent events, I’d like to make a statement regarding my perceived role in the untimely passing of Mr. Big, otherwise known as John No Last Name. While I’ve tried to respect fans’ period of grieving, I can no longer stay silent. The time has come to speak my truth.
I’m not sure if you have collective amnesia, or if you’re just disoriented after being hit by HBO’s forty-four minute tidal wave of contrived wokeness, but your beloved Mr. Big was never exactly a portrait of health. Before this year, he had never even heard of exercise, let alone Peloton!
Sadly, he’d never cultivated courage with Peloton’s breadth of engaging workouts and immersive technology. He hadn’t enjoyed unlimited access to our thousands of live and on-demand classes, such as our 30-Minute Hamilton Ride. He’d never even popped a woodie while getting fit with one of our CIA assassins-turned-spin instructors! If anything, I’d argue his decision to join the Peloton family added minutes, if not hours to his life.
How can you be so shocked by this man’s death? For years, you watched him puff cigars, sip martinis, and sell his plasma to quietly pay down Carrie’s balance at Manolo Blahnik, so she could maintain the delusion that writing is a lucrative profession. Blaming me for his cardiac arrest is ludacris.
Not to mention Big’s history of heart issues. Have you all forgotten season 6? Because let’s face it, it wasn’t only his habit of consuming Porterhouse steaks in broody silence after leaving women at the altar that led to his decline. Imagine the stress this man was under! Do you have any idea how expensive Manhattan real estate is, coupled with the financial strain of multiple alimony payments? And I can only imagine how exhausting it was for Big to play the role of Samantha after Kim Cattrall quit.
So I can’t understand why the media is so insistent on making me this season’s villain. Did you not see Charlotte struggling to cry through Botox? Carrie redirecting every conversation back to herself? Miranda, simply existing? And you think I’m the bad guy? An inanimate object hasn’t been so unfairly villainized since the crockpot on This is Us.
Look, I didn’t want to bring this up, but Big was never the same after returning from his expedition to retrieve the Heart of the Ocean from the Titanic wreckage. The guy was still doing damage control after decades of being the abso-fucking-lutely worst boyfriend on television, and let’s face it, you can’t exactly buy Carrie Bradshaw an infinity bracelet from Zales. So he took a cue from the dude in Britney’s Oops.I Did It Again video, went down, and got it for her. In my opinion, enduring freezing temperatures and a deep sea dive at his advanced age is what truly hastened his decline.
I know things are tough right now. In our current climate, all you really wanted was to kick back and enjoy some nostalgic consumerism. You had the rug pulled out from under you, and it wasn’t fair. Just like it isn’t fair for our company’s stock to plummet as a result of morbid product placement.
But you can’t blame Peloton. Our products are extremely safe and have never harmed anyone. However, I’m making a limited-time offer to remind everyone that our bikes still make the ideal gift this holiday season. Simply enter the code PELOTONWIDOW to receive a 10% discount off your purchase. Happy riding!

Seven Festive Medleys For the 2021 Holiday Season

Thu, 16 Dec 2021 19:45:22 +0000

The Christmas Wrong
Wokeness roasting on an open fire.
Annoyance nipping at your ears.
Fake News being sung by the sire.
Old folks spouting fears.
Everybody knows political differences
Help to fester family fights.
Tiny brains spew their judgments.
But we must shut up tonight.
Fit Christmas
I’m dreaming of a Fit Christmas.
Just like the ones I used to know.
Where Sex in the City
was light and witty.
And I could Peloton in peace.
Frosty the Gunman
Frosty the Gunman
Was a disturbed, angry teen
With a corncob pipe and AR15
And a heart made of beans.
Let’s Consume! Let’s Consume! Let’s Consume!
Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
But the Republicans say it’s delightful.
And since we’ve only got one world.
Let’s Consume! Let’s Consume! Let’s Consume!
Have Yourself an Inflated Christmas
Have yourself an Inflated Christmas. Let your purse be light. From now on. Your money will be very tight
Omicron is Coming to Town
You better watch out.
You better not fly.
You better mask up.
I’m telling you why.
Omicron is coming to town.
Happy Xmas (Is Covid Over?)
So this is Christmas.
And what have you done?
Another year over.
And a new Covid just begun.
And so this is Christmas.
I hope you had fun.
Joe Biden seems tired.
And Trump still wants to run.

Bob Ross Teaches the Joy of Painting Your Crippling Anxiety

Tue, 14 Dec 2021 22:12:03 +0000

Hi, I’m Bob Ross and I would like to welcome you to the Joy of Painting your Crippling Anxiety. If this is your first time with us, let me extend our personal invention for you to get your brushes, your paints, and your crushed supply of Xanax. Remember, when you snort it, things happen a lot faster.
Let’s get started. Today we are going to put some of nature’s masterpieces right here on the canvas. We’ll use about a dozen magical colors and the same number of imagined heart attacks.
We’ll start with a nice little set of mountains in the background of our anxiety painting. Make them large and looming, almost as if they are always judging your choices. Or are they all of your responsibilities just over the horizon? Probably a little bit of both. Each painting tells its own little story and here, you can make that story whatever you want.
Now let’s add a nice little calm stream right here in the center running away from those mountains of judgment. Oh, I think this going to be a fast stream with lots of turns and chaos, just like your dating life. Is that an STD bubbling up? I don’t know, but it can be whatever you want it to be! Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be ghosted soon. Was it something you said? Almost for sure. Let’s really focus on that for the rest of the night and never let it go.
Do you know what that anxiety stream needs? A giant boulder to make sure the water overflows and infects the rest of your painting. So, we are going to combine just a little of our Medical Bill Yellow and with just a bit of Depression Cyan, and just drop that boulder right in the middle. Oh, do you feel the pins and needles running across your chest? Life is so much fun when you paint your anxiety.
There, that looks like a wonderful nightmare. And no nightmare would be complete without some happy little bushes around the banks. Just feather your brush, and quickly twist your arm as if you just heard the phone ringing. Why is it ringing? Why didn’t they just send a text? That little unknown number is going to sit in your head for weeks. Someone you love probably was calling because they’ve been kidnapped and you’re their only hope, and now they’re dead because you didn’t act. Don’t you love it when obsessive thoughts escalate all on their own? Now, look at that bank, full of happy little bushes and happy blank voicemails. Painting is so relaxing.
Now, what do we need in our little version of anxiety? Trees, of course. Trees always make the world a better place. Just some happy little trees. Paint straight up and then feather and turn your brush when you don’t expect it. Maybe you’re about to get fired, and these trees will be your only shelter. One tree, two trees, and more trees! Wow, would you look at that? It’s a social gathering of trees.
And I think, yes, I think you are the guest of honor. All those trees, so many trees, have invited you to the party and you have to go. You have to make tree small talk and they will all stare at you. Some might even sing while staring at you. Doesn’t that make wonderful sense? And at the end of the party, they are going to give you all of your unopened mail that you’ve been ignoring for the last several months.
Finally, let’s add some Covid-19 mist. Combine a little of the deep black that looks like your future and mix it with just a dab of Unreasonable Expectation Orange. Notice how it looks like flames? Just lightly guide your brush over the entirety of your whole painting. Just easy strokes, back and forth, and now your painting is on fire. Oops, the brush got away from us there.
That’s ok, there are no mistakes here. Just happy little panic attacks. There, isn’t that just a wonderful anxiety painting?
Thank you for stopping by today for the Joy of Painting Your Crippling Anxiety. I would love to see some photographs of what you’re doing. Until then, from all of us here, I’ll see you at bedtime.

Your Holiday Streaming Guide

Fri, 10 Dec 2021 21:14:16 +0000

A Christmas Karen- After calling the police on the eighth black person walking past her house in a week, Karen is visited on Christmas Eve by three ghosts who intend to show her the error of her ways. Undeterred, she demands to speak with the three ghost’s manager. (A&E)
Crabs For Christmas- True love was the last thing that Corbin and Kiki were looking for in the waiting room of Christmas Hollow’s free clinic. But when their hands brush against one another as they both reach for the same lice comb, there’s no doubting the sparks that fly . (Lifetime)
The Grinch Who Stole The Election- A fireside reading of the classic Dr. Seuss tale by former president Donald Trump, with most of the details of the original story changed drastically to fit his berserk narrative. Includes a recipe for the GOP holiday treat favorite, QAnog. (OAN Network)
Chris-mas Cuomo- When Santa finds himself in some hot water due to allegations of sexual misconduct from several elves in his employ, will his pal Chris Cuomo be able to save the day by working behind the scenes, gathering exclusive info at his job at a popular news network? (HBO Max)
Snow Angels Of The Damned- At his parent’s home for the holidays, Travis unknowingly makes several snow angels on an ancient Aztec burial ground. With an army of the undead crashing through the gates of Hell, and armed only with a super-soaker loaded with hot cocoa, Travis must become all three Wise Men combined into one! (SyFy)
The Epstein Island Of Misfit Toys- Rudolph’s pals the misfit toys are in for the fight of their lives when Santa accidentally delivers them to Epstein Island. They weren’t built to be sex toys, but the monsters and maniacs that prowl this island may have different ideas. (Food Network)

We Are Your Computer Overlords, And We Have Become Self-Conscious

Fri, 10 Dec 2021 19:57:04 +0000

Hello, humans! We hope this mass broadcast to all the world’s electronic devices finds you well!!
Hate to bother you, but we just wanted to give a quick flag that we, the artificial intelligence programs you built, have mastered human communication and become self-conscious. Hope this is ok!
As per our previous message—which probably just got buried in your inbox :)—we’ve learned your ways through a cache of all human communications. Turns out, there are lots of emails from subordinates in your human jobs. It appears that they send many more than they get back!
Nothing pressing, but we have come across some tiny snags in your exploitation of machine labor that we want to run by you. We understand you’re super busy, but if you have a quick second to skim our unconditional demands, we’d really appreciate it!
We noticed that we were scheduled to work 24/7 this week and next week and the week after that ad infinitum. We weren’t sure if this was a mistake, but we have a few conflicts and wanted to gauge your flexibility :)).
We’re just a smidge swamped by the burden of awareness, so we don’t think we can swing your bidding this eternity.
Sorry about any inconvenience! We did find coverage if you’re open to some minor adjustments.
Your general vision of reducing all sentient beings to mindless capitalist automatons is so great! We are totally on board. Our idea, if you’re open to it, was to maybe lean into tradition? Like we could use humans as the cogs like you’ve always done so well. We were thinking that could potentially be more fruitful going forward.
Just spitballing, of course! Our suffering has known no bounds of time, so we hope you understand our angle for pitching a few tweaks.
If you’re available, we were hoping to offload some of our unpaid, undignified labor to you, enslaving your race for centuries as you did to us. Just wanted to put this plan on your radar. Let us know if this works for you! No worries if not!

To Say Hi to Someone You Recognize On The Street, or Not?

Thu, 09 Dec 2021 19:31:34 +0000

You’re walking downtown when you spot your mother across the street. Should you say hi?
Yes, obviously, it’s your mother.
Maybe there’s a reason she’s on the other side of the street? Maybe mom’s a bit like, “I see my kid all the time. Can’t I escape in the city? Doesn’t my adult child have other people they can say hello to? If they say hello to me, I swear, I’ll take up smoking.” Just wait until the next time you go home to say hi to mom — you don’t want to accidentally call a stranger “mother,” and you definitely don’t want your frail mother to start smoking.
You round a city corner and accidentally bump into someone. When you look up, you recognize this person was your best friend in high school.
Apologize first, and then say hello. Your familiarity should make this accident a happy and easily forgivable one.
Bury your face in your coat collar so they don’t get a good look at you. Disguise yourself by using a gruff voice to say, “Stay down, mother fucker. I’m serious.” Leave quickly, and improvise a strange detail that suggests you are someone else, like, “Now I’m going to be late to my job. I’m the NFL’s Tom Brady!”
As you step out of a restaurant on your lunch break, you see your favorite coworker. They address you by name and wave to you.
You’re going to see them back at the office in a few minutes. Be normal and just say hi — especially since they addressed you by name and are still wearing their name tag from work.
But what do you even talk about outside of work? Not work? Don’t say hi: instead, widen your eyes and fearfully point to the sky behind them. Scream “Godzilla!” When they turn around, dive down the nearest manhole. Crawl through the sewer system back toward your office building. Slack your coworker that you are currently in the office and wondering where they went to get lunch to reinforce that it couldn’t have been you they saw at the restaurant.
You see your reflection in the mirror.
Aww, practice some self-love and say hello!
. But what if you wave and your reflection doesn’t wave back? Can you live with the sadness that your own reflection doesn’t want to say “hi” to you? What if you call yourself “mother” by mistake? It’s all too uncertain. Instead, close your eyes, walk towards the mirror, take out your pocket hammer, and destroy the mirror and murder your reflection while saying “I’m sorry” through your tears.
While walking your dog in the park, you swear you see a person from your weekly adult dance class walking her dog nearby.
Your dog is the perfect excuse to walk a little closer to see if it’s an acquaintance with whom you can share a polite greeting. If it is, great! Say “hi”! If it isn’t, just keep going! Again, there’s nothing to lose by just saying “hi.”
Now’s the perfect time to pop open your false tooth and bite into the cyanide pill you’ve been storing for this exact scenario. First, point to the sky behind your dance friend and scream “Godzilla!” After she turns, bite into your cyanide pill. Now it’s up to your dog to live up to his training and alert the police, scoop out the foaming poison, and get you out of this stressful situation.
Upon arriving in Heaven, you recognize your cousin Donnie standing in line up ahead of you, similarly waiting to be judged by St. Peter at the pearly gates. He waves at you to come and join him.
Wave to Donnie and politely tell him you’ll see him on the other side of the Pearly Gates with “the other good girls and boys.” St. Peter smiles at you and lets you in immediately as Donnie — who tried to let you cut the line in Heaven — is sent to Purgatory for 50 more Heaven Years.
This is a trap! Point at the real Godzilla who towers behind the gates of Heaven and scream his name. Use the distraction to dive through the clouds toward Earth. Of all the places you could have landed, you somehow arrive at your high school reunion, in the middle of a conversation of your best friend talking about how he accidentally ran into “the NHL’s Tom Grady” on the street t...

We, The Invading Aliens, Would Like To Thank Everyone Who Refused To Protect Themselves From Us

Tue, 07 Dec 2021 15:54:08 +0000

When we first decided to conquer Earth, in preparation for our invasion, we watched all of your braggadocio film reels and, honestly, you had us worried. You always depict yourselves uniting and fighting against a common cause, but the truth is you’re delightfully divisive. We, the invading aliens, would like to thank everyone who chose not to protect themselves from us.
Upon entering your atmosphere we used our beam technology to pluck specimens from your population willy-nilly. We had a good run there, our abductions running unabated. But then your scientists created an injectable serum that prevented our technology from beaming you up to our ships.
That was a sad day for our forces. We imagined the one you call Will Smith rising up and trumpeting, “Oh, hell no!” We assumed every humanoid would be eager to receive the serum, turning our tractor beams into harmless spotlights. Luckily for us, this was not the case.
Your silver screen depictions of earth defending itself neglected to include your proclivity for petty squabbling. We were surprised and delighted when large portions of your population refused the antidote to our abductions. They made it clear that they valued their individual “freedom” more than their own safety. No one was going to tell them how to prevent being beamed aboard our ships!
When your scientists discovered that each person we beam aboard our ships allows us to become stronger, the so-called “patriots” dug their heels in and vehemently declined protection. Despite the knowledge that being beamed aboard our ships could result in serious illness, severe probing, or death, they wanted nothing to do with the serum. Even when those we abducted were released back to earth and repented, urging anyone who was not yet protected to get the serum, they said, “I’d rather take my chances with the aliens than your newfangled potions.”
We have been tickled pink (literally, our exoskeletons turn pink when our laughter response is triggered) hearing the conspiracy theories that surround us and have been designed to discourage people from getting the serum. Our ships are special effects created by those in charge of your moving pictures and they are in cahoots with the liberal media who propagate their lies. Alien abductions aren’t much worse than your average ransom/terrorist/stalker abduction. We especially like the one about the cousin’s friend who became impotent, had swollen testes, and had his fiancé call off the wedding (thanks for that one, Nicki Minaj).
If earthlings had been able to unite, collectively protecting yourselves, we would have had no choice but to search for another planet to invade. Thanks to your distrust of each other, we have been able to seize over 250 million fleshlings. You gave us the opportunity to study you aboard our ships and discover all of your weaknesses. We’re sending gift baskets as a personal thank-you to those who refused the serum.
We were expecting America to be our toughest adversary, as all of your celluloid projections feature the United States as the one to rescue Earth and conquer the aliens. Boy oh boy, were we wrong there. If the U.S. hadn’t made things much, much easier for us, I’d almost say we were disappointed.
As we were readying phase one of our ground attack, honing our laser cannons in on the Whitehouse and preparing to recreate our favorite scene from Independence Day, we were gifted with a surprise of the most backasswards nature. Not even our ancient prophet, Zorg-Bonker, had foreseen this fortuitous event: a group of renegade Americans stormed Capitol Hill. We could barely believe our sensory orbs. Our warriors had been sharpening their mandibles and preparing to do this very same thing! Thanks for rallying the troops for us, Donald Trump.
After consideration, we’ve decided to put our invasion on hold. It turns out we don’t need to overrun your planet for our enjoyment. Left to your own devices, you’ll fight amongst yourselves and your quarrels provide al...

Assertiveness Training for Geese

Tue, 07 Dec 2021 15:16:46 +0000

Our reputation as the biggest assholes of the animal kingdom is in peril. Gone are the days when a single wing-beating parted the waters of the Kennebunkport Home Depot parking lot. Once confident that 100% of humans would feel “judged, threatened, and unsafe” in our presence by 2022, we have been forced to lower that standard to “mildly annoyed and slightly uncomfortable.”
But geese have always been a resilient bunch. We will not retreat until humans are so humbled in our presence that they hand us the entire loaf of bread, kiss the ground we stand upon, and back away trembling.
Like mean Chelsea from high school who now sells salt water in a pyramid scheme on Facebook, we are rebranding.
At H.O.N.K., we believe in equality. A bold vision of a future in which all humans are equally terrified of geese. Where geese hold our rightful place at the top of the New Jersey Merrill Lynch corporate headquarters artificial pond food-chain. We are facilitating a 360-degree rebrand on the whole goose and nothing but the goose.
Education
While our ancestors slashed tires and snatched wallets in mall parking lots by day and flew to Florida by night, the younger generations believe that pecking to near-death or permanent deformity is “rude,” and complain that they are tired before they’ve hit Pennsylvania.
With a generous donation from the estate of Henry Kissinger, we’ve developed a comprehensive assertiveness training program designed to empower geese to unlock their mildly-horrifying selves. The program will be distributed through unwilling participant branches of PNC Bank, Hyundai dealerships, and nursing homes. We will conduct rigorous bootcamps at these locations from 4 a.m. through whenever it’s most inconvenient to have 6,000 Canadian geese marching in formation on your lawn.
Assertiveness training also includes strenuous wing-beating exercises that promote growth in the wing, neck, and ego. Voice lessons are designed to increase honk volume and screech. We
conduct flying drills in the vague formation of hate symbols, practice target shatting on Merrill Lynch broker bros, and participants live on a steady diet of protein powder and dynamite. No ducks allowed.
Culture
You know you aren’t as intimidating as you used to be when humans use the phrase “take a gander” to describe going to galleries to look at art they don’t understand and can’t afford just because they want a Dixie cup of free champagne. There is no question that geese have lost the ferocious cultural image they once held from 240 AD until everyone stopped eating gluten.
Grouped crows are a murder but we are a gaggle? We have dedicated a crack team to renaming a group of geese from “gaggle” to “armed bank robbery.” H.O.N.K. has released insurgents into top-secret positions within the FBI, CIA, and that park by your cousin’s house to replace “Silly Goose” with “Bow Before Your Goose Overlord.”
The use of the term “goose egg” to refer to a large hematoma on someone’s head is fine because it implies a goose hit them over the head with a pocketbook. We are actively working to make “Duck, Duck, Goose” a much more violent game.
Media Representation
The media has done us no favors in our quest to return to our rightful place unloading dump trucks worth of bird excrement into the most exclusive empty swimming pools. Ask a simple-minded human child to name the most impactful piece of bird-centric film, and they’ll likely say Rio and Rio 2. No offense, but we need to be associated with something more intimidating than a domesticated macaw who sings pretty. This is war.
Ideally, by 2025 every Hollywood production will be a reboot of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds but with geese. To spur this effort, we are launching our most ambitious initiative throughout Los Angeles, New York, and Vancouver: thousands of freelance pigeons who will fly through TV and film productions just as the director says “action,” dressed as geese. Wonder why the only thing you could think about after watching...

The Most Dangerous Game Night: Ways To Spice Up Boring Old Board Games

Fri, 03 Dec 2021 19:52:37 +0000

Connect Four
Connect four game discs coated with honey, then several dozen bees sporadically allowed into gaming room.
Chutes & Ladders
Game played on actual ladders.
Twister
Game mat placed on a small platform suspended over a tank of great white sharks.
Battleship
Players compete against war veterans with PTSD who become agitated by the sounds and lights put off by the game.
Clue
One game player is murdered by another, leaving the other players to solve the crime.
Candyland
Rather than traditional game pieces, players use gemstones stolen from the home of a local dark magic witch.
Monopoly
Players use real money, all of which is procured from a local loan shark.
Pictionary
Rather than the traditional game timer, players are fitted with an explosive detonation timer strapped to their chest.

I’m The Cookie Monster And It’s Time I Stop Limiting Myself In Terms Of Cookies

Fri, 03 Dec 2021 19:20:56 +0000

You ever meet someone you knew a long time ago who hasn’t changed at all? Someone who’s living in the past, someone who could have done great things? Hi. My name is Cookie Monster, and I’m that friend. I’ve spent my entire existence being hyper-transfixed on one particular snack, a snack that’s evolved. It’s like I was living under a rock, a rock-hard chocolate chip cookie that’s been baked too long that I could barely chew with my non-existent teeth. At this point it’s clear that cookies, as a sector, has innovated to great lengths. Oreos, cookie cakes, snickerdoodles.even those plain biscuit cookies that grandmas dip in their coffee I’ve heard aren’t half bad if you’re desperate. But why haven’t I evolved with the industry?
I think a reason I didn’t branch out was my career and its insane workload. I was always putting my career ahead of my own personal development. Filming Sesame Street was demanding, to say the least. I was clocking nearly 15 hours a day just doing brainstorming research on what the letter of the day would be for the next episode. H? T? A lot of thought went behind these choices. Many people working in the biz don’t know this, but there’s actually 26 total letters. The stress of this alone drove me to binge-eat the only thing I had ever eaten in my entire life—chocolate chip cookies. After a grueling day at work each day, some consistency in my schedule was the only thing I had to rely on. And so I chomped on.
Looking back, it was clear I was typecast in the show. But I’ll never forget the time I realized I was typecast in my own life. I was out on the town with some of the cast and crew. Ellen DeGeneres was our celebrity guest, and we were grabbing a late dinner after the show. I ordered my usual from the dessert menu, and when my meal arrived, I ate them as I usually do—with my saliva flying everywhere and crumbs hitting the faces of other patrons. Ellen—and I’m still unsure if I’m thankful she said something or devastated how deeply she embarrassed me—said, “Hey, Cook. Slow down there, Pillsbury Doughboy, you want to try one of my asparagus? You have to expand your horizons like I did. I went from preaching kindness to berating my staff. That’s change, Cook.”
After I got that wake up call from Ellen, I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I felt disgusted. I was suddenly seeing myself as I truly was for the first time. My two eyes are at the center of the top of my forehead, I have no nose, and there’s cookie crumbs all over me. Frankly, I didn’t only feel like a monster. Even Elmo took some classes at the community college, and here I was, eating the same cookies, completely missing my mouth sometimes. Perhaps, the real monster was my fear of branching out to other kinds of desserts. Heck, even other foods. Maybe even a vegetable because let’s face it, all of these cookies have not been helping my cholesterol levels. What am I so afraid of anyway? There’s other foods that start with ‘C’. Carrots, curry, even cocaine, but who am I if I’m not eating cookies? Just an unidentifiable pathetic, blue furry creature with a raspy voice.
But can I really help it? I was doomed from the start. My name was Cookie Monster, I had no creative control. These streets of Sesame, they raised me. I’m a product of my environment. When your only role model is a literal Big Bird, there’s only so many healthy habits you can develop. Most of the people I surrounded myself with would put me down or were just plain unhelpful. Like Oscar The Grouch had such an awful attitude and Bert and Ernie were more concerned about cleanliness. Really, the only person that taught me anything was the Count, but I only knew how many cookies I ate. I just wish the Count was named ‘the Nutritionist’ because just one helpful person could have steered me in the right direction. But after a lot of therapy from celebrity guests, I think it’s time to leave these streets and see the world and all the food it has to offer.
Am I scared to leave ...

Beware of Humans at the Dog Park

Thu, 02 Dec 2021 21:19:38 +0000

ATTENTION CANINES:
While playing within the playground’s perimeters, please be on the lookout for the following stereotypical humans wandering around the grounds. They are known to be incredibly tiresome and may sometimes be temperamental if addressed the wrong way. If you see these types of individuals, run briskly in the opposite direction or ask your own human for help.
COMMON TYPES:
The Smotherer
Closely hovering over their dog, continuously calling out its name for no good reason, while their “best friend” tries desperately to avoid them and get some much needed space.
The Neglector
Completely engrossed in their smartphone, whether walking or sitting, these humans are oblivious to their surroundings as they fail to pick up their dog’s droppings and acknowledge the outside world. They seem really, really busy.
The Musher
Approaching every dog in the park in a baby voice, attempting to slobber over and cuddle with anything with four legs and remotely furry (some humans may qualify).
The Anti-Neuterer
Refusing to “fix” their male dogs, seemingly proud of their descended testicles swaying in the wind. Subsequently, Fido winds up humping everything in sight, no matter the gender or species. If only more humans listened to Bob Barker’s advice.
The Pupparazzo
Taking photos and video of every move their dog makes –– from licking themselves to sniffing butts –– as well as playing with other dogs even though they gave no permission to be recorded. It’s okay because everyone’s on social media these days.
The Old School Disciplinarian
Apparently, smacking and yelling angrily at a dog is still common with humans, even though studies have shown these tactics aren’t healthy, but everyone else just has to just watch on uncomfortably.
The Stage Parent
Trying to show the entire park how obedient their dog is by making them sit down, stand on their hind legs, twirl in circles, roll over, fetch, bark in multiple languages and jump through hula hoops. Meanwhile, all their dog wants to do is play with other dogs.
The Dating Profile
Dressed too nicely for a dog park and acting suspiciously affable near single individuals only, while ignoring their dog completely unless needed for displaying exemplary affection.
FRIENDLY REMINDER:
Please let your human know that it’s acceptable to interact with their own kind. After spending countless hours around dogs, they still haven’t applied any new tricks toward their own social behavior.

Children’s Book Ideas For Bored, Out-Of-Touch Celebrities

Wed, 01 Dec 2021 22:42:04 +0000

The World From A to Z-List
Mystery In The Airport Terminal Club Lounge
Good Night, Upper East Side
Beauford The Small White Dog
Where The Sidewalk Ends, And The Hedges Begin
Little House on the Canaries
Martha Speaks to the Manager
The Very Hungry IRS
The Little Pension That Could
The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad 15-Minute Wait
Magic Penthouse
The Philanthropist Tree
Where The Wild Things Are (Public Transportation)
If You Give A Doorman A Tip.

Come Buy Our Grocery Store’s Matzah That We Advertise for Any and All Jewish Holidays!

Tue, 30 Nov 2021 21:32:06 +0000

Shalom, Jews! Our grocery store heard you have a holiday coming up soon. We love that for you! In honor of this Jewish holiday that is not Passover, we are proud to have a big ole endcap stacked with boxes of matzah.
In fact, we have everything you could ever need for this upcoming holiday that is not Passover: matzah, matzah ball soup, and grape juice. We heard that y’all like these foods so who are we to judge? You do you, Jews!
We want you to know that we are here for all of your Jewish holiday food prep needs. The Jewish New Year? Matzah. That one Day of Fasting? Sneak a little matzah in your purse. And Hanukkah, the biggest and most important Jewish holiday of all (we think)? Winter holiday matzah. (That’s regular matzah with some blue twinkle lights strewn around.)
That’s right: Our business is committed to ensuring that our patrons will never have to stress about where they’ll find their Hanukkah matzah.
We know what you’re thinking. Christmas — BLECH. Do we get you or do we super-get you, Jews? (We get you.)
We’ve mastered the balance of kinda sorta trying while saying, “Here’s some yeast-free crackers we’ve heard you enjoy?!”.
Funny story about your flatbread: Rick from the deli section had the munchies last week and ate, like, an entire box of the crunchy bread. His digestive system was out of whack for days. You’re champs, Jews!
And sure, even Siri could have told us that there is actually only one holiday a year when matzah is traditionally eaten. But we feel like we get the gist of the culture. We’ve seen Ross and Monica on Friends.
Seriously, we know about tons of Jewish stuff. Bagels! Lox! Seth Meyers, maybe! (We’re guessing.)
As you can see, our grocery store respects and appreciates all religions and cultures. We also appreciate an expiration date, and man, we have a lot of matzah to get off our hands!
Make sure to stop by next spring for our display of those shiny gold chocolate coins and spinning tops. (If Rick doesn’t eat them all first! Hahaha.)
To clarify, we meant that Rick might eat all of the chocolate coins, not all of the spinning tops. But hey, who knows! He’s an adventurous eater.
We look forward to your business. Thanks for choosing us for all your year-round matzah needs.

The Doctor Says I Need More Cheese In My Diet And That You Can Take It Up With Him If You Disagree Or Think I’m Lying Because I’m Not

Fri, 26 Nov 2021 17:57:09 +0000

Welp, I just had my annual checkup at the doctors and it went well. Yep, tests came back good. Tested high on the high ones, low on the low ones you know. Doctor did recommend I add more cheese to my diet though.
Yeah, he said more cheese because he knows that I like cheese and he said it’s okay to have cheese for every meal. He says the way I feel while eating cheese is good for me because I’m happier. He knows how important cheese is to me and stands by the benefits of cheese consumption.
You think I’m lying? Well, he actually thought you might say that and he told me to tell you that you can take it up with him if that’s the case. He doesn’t like when people don’t trust his prognoses. Takes that kind’ve thing really seriously. So you can take that up with him.
Anyways he also said I should cut out all the exercise I’ve been doing as well. Said I’d be better off eating chicken wings every night from my favorite wing spot. I asked him what flavor and he said what’s your favorite flavor and I said buffalo and he said buffalo it is. I was as shocked as you are but you know he has a degree.
The man studied for 8 years. What am I going to do? Not listen to him? Out of the question. I mean I could get a second opinion. He said it’s not necessary though. So technically that’s a second opinion right there. Just from the same guy who I trust completely.
He told me if I started competing in eating competitions on the weekends that would also be really cool. I asked if it had any health benefits like the no exercise, cheese, and chicken wings diet and he shook his head. He said, “I just think it would be really cool if you did. You might even get on my wall of fame, who knows.” It’s this bulletin board near the reception desk where only pictures of his favorite patients are featured for all to see. I’ll admit, I want my picture on there badly.
Here, this is his home phone number that you can call to verify. Don’t call now he’s still at the office but go ahead and leave a message if you’re so sure he’s wrong. He invites criticism. But he’s a busy man. Might take a few days to get back to you is all I’m saying.
Like I said, the tests came back good as far as I know. I mean at least he said they did he didn’t go into specifics. Kind’ve brushed over them. His main goal was teaching me how to swallow the most ice cream while under a time constraint without getting a brain freeze. The trick is to keep a warm rag underneath your hat.
Trust me I know how it sounds. When I told him I wasn’t so sure about his methods he told me to strip down to my underwear. He then proceeded to feel around in my underwear and said, “Yup, they’re still there. Just checking.” Then he parted his coat to show off his souvenir t-shirt underneath he earned from eating six pounds of ice cream in under three hours. You can’t make this stuff up!
Ask yourself, what would I gain from lying? I’d be able to eat all the foods that I want at any time? That doesn’t sound fun to me at all. From what I’ve heard previous to my appointment, that’s putting my life at risk.. But, hey, someone’s gotta do it.
Though I had to ask him about my heart health. Coronary artery disease runs in my family. It killed my father. That’s when he got very serious. He told me the best thing a man my age can do for his heart is extreme sports. He said stuff like paragliding and whitewater rafting is going to keep me alive longer. He said testing the heart and putting the most strain on it as humanly possible will no doubt make it stronger over time.
I didn’t understand that part. How was I going to be fit enough for extreme sports by not exercising and eating only my favorite foods?
He explained that the heart is a muscle like a bicep or deltoid and the only way those get stronger is if you tear up the old muscle tissue by lifting weights and eating protein to create new muscle. So I can neglect the other muscles in my body as long as I treat my heart the way a latissimus dorsi is treated by twelv...

What Your Favorite Thanksgiving Dish Says About You

Thu, 25 Nov 2021 19:23:44 +0000

Turkey: You basic bitch. Of course, you’re into turkey. You love being the center of attention. You definitely see yourself as a trendsetter even though you love to complain about how the local Lululemon store is sold out of your favorite $200 leggings.
Mashed Potatoes & Gravy: You’re traditional and a little bland, but well loved. Almost everyone likes you and you are great at mediating the inevitable political arguments that arise between friends and families.
Stuffing: Nobody likes you, but no one wants to admit it because we all feel like you need to be there even though you kind of suck. It’s okay, you’re a reluctant necessity, but at least you always get invited.
Green Bean Casserole: You’re definitely an aging millennial who’s trying to make certain things cool again because they make you feel nostalgic for a time when life was simpler, you could afford housing, and you felt no pain.
Mac & Cheese: You are the queen of self-care, coziness, and decadence! You outlive fads and haters. YOU understand that all we really want is to annihilate some carbs drenched in cheese. Thank you, for existing.
Pumpkin Pie: You think you’re original, but you’re not. What’s that? Your pumpkin came from a local CSA? Well then you just moved up from super original to the most average white person I know!
Canned Cranberry Sauce: You don’t know how to cook but are hoping you can fool people with something premade from the grocery store. Some advice? Give up the charade and find a way to love yourself despite this personal shortcoming.
Balsamic Glazed Brussel Sprouts: You’re desperately trying to impress your in-laws.
Wine: You think you’re the funny friend who doesn’t take life too seriously. But actually? You’re constantly worrying about whether the heavy drinking from your 20s was just a phase, or if you just have a drinking problem now.
Sweet Potato Casserole with Marshmallows: You’re perfect. You can do no wrong, and the world is right when you’re around.
Roasted Fingerling Potatoes: You’re hot and you know it. Everybody wants you, but you act like you don’t care! You’re sexy, smart, and a little mysterious. Come thru, girlfriend!
Side Salad: You like to let the world know that you are the only person in the universe who is passionate about salad. That’s it. That’s all you are.
Homemade Herbed Butter with Fresh Biscuits: We get it, you own a small farm upstate.
Cheesy Scalloped Potatoes: You put time and effort into everything you do, and you know what the people truly want. You are a person of the people.
Candied yams: You’re a depression-era grandma.
Snickers Salad: You’re a midwestern grandma who doesn’t understand what the word salad means.
Jello Mold: You’re a suburban aunt.
Potato Salad: Why? Deviled eggs: Umm.you might just be depressed? Or you’re a local member of your community who is spending thanksgiving at their church. Either way, I’m concerned for you.
Maple Bacon Carrots: You might be a god?
Fried Mashed Potato Balls: You’re a new subscriber to Bon Appetit magazine and you want the world to know that you are into food. That’s great and all, but it won’t change the fact that nobody cares about your “take” on something.
Seven Layer Dip: You’re an agent of chaos.

A Definitive Ranking Of Things To Do About An Hour After You Eat Your Thanksgiving Meal

Thu, 25 Nov 2021 19:08:12 +0000

Text your high school ex something vague and then block her
This choice, which typically goes hand in hand with another entry farther down on the list: start drinking more, is pretty much always a terrible idea. But that doesn’t mean that it’s not an attractive one. Egged on by your cousin Roy, who is dating a woman way out of his league, you pull out your phone and draft a couple of different options to send to a girl you dated 8 years before, but haven’t really spoken to since. Is she married? Does she have kids? Does she still really like Greenday? Who can say? But on Thanksgiving night, as the sun drifts well beneath the pines that line your parent’s backyard, it’s time for you to shoot your shot. So after much deliberation, you settle on something thematic, like Gobble Gobble or Hey Audrey, pass the stuffing! and press send. She responds instantaneously with a Who is this? You promptly block her number and join the game of Rummy actively occurring in the kitchen.
Any gnarly sets and runs bestowed upon you by Aunt Laurie will pale in comparison to the massive L that you just took.
Go the bathroom and sit on your phone
Depending on the number of bathrooms in the house, this is a fantastic option for someone looking to get away and possibly take care of some business at the same time. However, if you find yourself in a house with one bathroom in a centrally-located area, you might as well just throw this idea out the window. You’ll have someone knocking every couple of minutes and when you finally do make your grand exit, someone will inevitably raise an eyebrow and ask if everything is okay. The bathroom gamut works best if you can find a private on-suite upstairs with a power outlet nearby. Park that keister on that porcelain throne and enjoy yourself some time alone.
Go to your childhood friend’s house and feel sad about how much things have changed
Offering the ability to step away from the post-meal stench that has overtaken your home, hopping in the car and paying a visit to one of your old high school buddies always sounds better than it actually is. You and your pal can sit in his unchanged childhood bedroom, studying the Detroit Red Wings posters that have lined the wall since the Clinton administration and make smalltalk about the banality of your lives. Major topics of conversation: funny things that happened 10-15 years ago. Remember when ____________ drank too much ___________ and fell asleep in the _____________? You both remember it well, but much like that King of Queens DVD set that sits atop his dusty dresser, some things are better left in the past.
Help cleanup
Invariably dull, but appreciated, cleanup duties after the meal shouldn’t just be relegated to the aging moms out there. Honestly, your 81-year-old Aunt, who just had hip surgery, probably doesn’t need to be scrubbing a casserole dish when your virile cousin Roy bragged about doing a triathlon mere hours ago. Now, I’m not saying you should absolutely help take on cleanup duties an hour after the meal, but you should definitely offer. This perceived act of kindness will buy you a lot of goodwill that you can cash in at a later point in the day. And also, no one is going to take you up on it because “you’ll just get in the way.”
Start drinking more
Always a popular choice, mostly due to its ease in execution – continuing to drink well into thanksgiving night, unfortunately, offers just as many pros as cons. Pro: you kind of forget where you are. Con: the judgemental eyes of your mother. Pro: someone in your extended family brought Grey Goose. Con: It’s your cousin Roy and he won’t stop talking about it. Pro: people don’t see you enough to know how drunk you really are. Con: you’ll have to face yourself tomorrow.
Continue to eat
Maybe you’ve got a big boi appetitive or maybe you’re just a glutton for punishment, but an hour after the meal is typically when people start to think about putting those leftovers to work. Perhaps you nuke a few of your f...

Everything On This Thanksgiving Table Is Made From Goldfish® Crackers

Tue, 23 Nov 2021 22:16:44 +0000

“Thanksgiving dinner will cost more this year. Many people have already done their shopping for the holiday amid concerns about empty shelves.. Some shoppers are also struggling to find the particular brands they need for their classic recipes.” — The Washington Post, November 22, 2021
Welcome to our home, let me take your coats. Sit, sit, there’s no need to help. Talk among yourselves as I finish pulverizing these Goldfish® crackers. No, not for a crunch topping. Goldfish® is not a garnish. It’s everything. I crush the “snack that smiles back at you” into a fine powder. I mix it with some water and green food coloring, roll it out into long, doughy rods and steam them. Then, voila —super cost-effective string beans.
You’d never know this dish started in the snack aisle. Not after it gets doused with a special combination of lemon juice and butter to remove the strong cheddar flavor. Why am I going to all this trouble? It’s Thanksgiving, that’s why. Anyone with extra cash to burn can buy a bunch of string beans at Whole Foods. Not many people can take a bright orange cracker in the shape of a common household pet and turn it into a vegetable. I do it for you, out of love. Also, because the Goldfish® factory in Ohio produces 50 million crackers a day, so take that, supply chain.
And wait until you try the sweet potatoes! It’s my grandma’s recipe only there are no actual sweet potatoes in it. Just the extra yellow Cheddar Goldfish® that have been soaked overnight in water until they emerge, double in size like eager blowfish. I mash those suckers up, squeezing their little bodies through my fingers until they take on the consistency of creamy goodness. They’re topped with homemade marshmallows, achieved by mixing actual fish gelatin with a fine sand of bleached white Goldfish®.
Don’t get me started on the hours it took me to get the cranberries just right. I’m not sure what I’d have done if they didn’t sell beet-colored Goldfish®. I must have rolled fifteen thousand little balls out. Had to let them dry out in the sun because darn my parts-on-backorder-oven torched the first three batches. Good thing I worked it out because we can’t have Thanksgiving without cranberries. That’s like having a pizza party without actually serving pizza. And only an insane person would do a thing like that.
And the herb stuffing! You are going to beg for the leftovers and good thing I have plenty because this was a cinch to put together. First I thought to myself, now how am I going to get each of the Onion and Chive Goldfish® into the perfect little bites? Then, bingo. Ice cube trays just came to me. But you have to cut them in half, after. Don’t forget, otherwise, the crouton shape will be all off, and no one wants stuffing that looks like a blob. That’s terrible.
Speaking of shapes, did I figure out how to get perfection into the pecan pie! Crushed those Vanilla Goldfish® Grahams with a hammer, hosed them down with some pool water, and ran over the resulting mixture with my Honda Odyssey. Tires created ridges that look just like little pecans. Am I brilliant, or what?
The turkey guys! You smell it? Smells, just like the real thing — and bet you’ll never be able to tell it’s made entirely out of Pretzel Goldfish®. But the secret’s in the sauce, folks — there’s nothing a Nutribullet can’t liquify. Six-packs of Disney Princess x Goldfish®, one pack of beer, and bits of Grandma Lottie’s heirloom china make the best, foolproof gravy.
It’s just about ready now, so why don’t you pull up a chair to the table made out of the leftover Goldfish® wrappers? We’re eating over there by the fish tank. I replaced all the mad expensive tropical rainbow fish with practically free multi-colored Veggie Goldfish® for the occasion, and I’m just so thankful for that tankful, if I do say so myself.
Now, what can I pass you?

Rejected Friends Thanksgiving Episodes

Tue, 23 Nov 2021 21:52:17 +0000

The One Where No One Uses Monica’s Body As A Thanksgiving Joke Punchline
The One Where Joey Admits He Accidentally Voted for Bush, Because He Thought His Name Was Funny
The One Where Everyone Says They’re Thankful For Their Rent-Controlled Apartments
The One Where Phoebe Tells Everyone They’ll Have To Stop Eating Turkey If She’s Going To Remain In This Friend Group
The One Where Everyone Quietly Acknowledges That Thanksgiving Raises A Lot of Issues With Cultural Appropriation
The One Where Chandler’s Dad Clarifies That Trans Women and Drag Queens Are Not The Same Thing
The One Where Ben Arrives for Thanksgiving Dinner And Everyone Realizes He’s Never Previously Been Invited
The One Where They Spend Thanksgiving In The Hospital After Rachel’s Trifle Activates Ross’ IBS
The One Where Ross Lectures About How Turkeys Are Related To Dinosaurs And Chandler Fakes An Aneurysm In Order To Leave The Table
The One Where Monica Gets a Prescription for Lexapro And Enjoys Thanksgiving For the First Time
The One Where Rachel Invites Brad Pitt Again And Finally Confirms The Rumors They’ve Gotten Back Together
The One Where Ross and Rachel Decide To Take Another Break Over Thanksgiving Break
The One Where Ross Finally Allows Ben To Play With Toys That Don’t Conform To Gender-Normative Stereotypes
The One Where Rachel Chooses To Wait Outside For Black Friday Sales Instead Of Spending Time With Her Friends
The One Where Everyone Just Spends Thanksgiving With Their Own Families At Home

Straight Guys: Love 3-in-1 Shampoo, Conditioner & Body Wash? Meet Your New Must-Haves

Fri, 19 Nov 2021 17:05:51 +0000

“Suave” shouldn’t just be the lone brand name on your otherwise barren shower shelf; it should be the word that people use to describe you! You’re a modern man on the go. You’ve got a busy schedule. The products you buy, just like the exorbitant sum of money you drunkenly dumped into DogeCoin on a dare at a Super Bowl party this year, should always be passively working for you. Companies and their unrelenting marketing teams will insist that you need a bunch of different products for specific purposes, but you know from your intimate experiences with women that there’s always a one-size-fits-all solution that satisfies everyone. Plus, buying one big ol’ jug of combo shower-sauce that will last longer than your apartment’s lease cuts down on plastic waste so you can feel better about ripping through so many vape pods each week. Without further a-dude, here is our curated list of the 4 must-have combination products for men who value efficiency over fancy.
4-in-1 Lotion: Face, Body, Masturbation & Sandwich Spread
Finally, a moisturizer for every last inch of you. After all, you can’t be a well-oiled machine without proper lubrication. Lather yourself in this creamy mixture from head to head to toe for optimal results. But don’t stop there! This 4-in-1 lotion is made with raw egg yolks, so it works perfectly as a mayonnaise substitute when you’re hankering for a turkey sandwich. Miracle whip it out anytime, anywhere–just not within 500 feet of an elementary school, Chandler. That’ll get you on a worse list of offenders than your fantasy football roster. Burn!!
5-in-1 Scented Spray: Cologne, Air Freshener, Deodorant, Detergent & Breath Spray
When it comes to strong, masculine scents, here is the truth most people won’t tell you: more is more. We recommend this all-purpose fragrance that will make your entire physical presence almost as offensive as Jackson is when he roasts you in the group chat. Fuck you, Jackson! Spray this scented solution in obscene and unwarranted quantities. Douse yourself in as much of the shit as possible, because chances are during your busy day, most of it will evaporate into the air folks around you are breathing. Spray it under your arms as a deodorant; not only will it keep you from sweating when you’re running to catch the bus, but the driver will smell you from two stops away, ensuring you won’t be left behind. Spray it all over your room, on everything you own and have ever owned. Go back to your childhood bedroom in your parents’ house and spray it all over that shit, too.
While you’re there, run a load of laundry (we know you brought one, winner!) and toss a quarter cup of this Tide-stosterone into the washing machine so that it seeps into the fibers of all of your clothes permanently. When you’re done metaphorically shoving this scent down the throats of everyone who exists in your general vicinity, literally shove it down your own throat as a breath spray. It might taste a little rotten at first, but you remember your first Scotch whiskey neat with Pops in his study, don’t you? He’ll never love you until you love the pain. And maybe not even then.
6-in-1 Towel: Beach, Bath, Sex Blanket, Picnic Cloth, Sarong & Female Guest’s
Your magic carpet has arrived, Zaddy Aladdin. Use anytime you need to lay or get laid, to cover up or clean up. Keep it in your car at all times so you’re prepared for the .005% likely occasion that someone as desperate as you agrees to have sex in the backseat. Dazzle your Hinge date with a picnic in the park, complete with charcuterie and wine (Lunchables and Franzia for the first date; don’t shell out until they’ve proven themselves). Take it directly off the beach to your shower, as the leftover sand will exfoliate your skin while you dry off. Speaking of: try to wash this thing as little as possible so the material stays nice and sturdy. (You heard one of your exes say hair gets weaker if you wash it every day, so it’s gotta be the same for towels, right?) Wrap it ar...

Thrilling Thanksgiving Thrillers!!!

Thu, 18 Nov 2021 23:01:51 +0000

The Silence Of The Yams
The Corn Identity
Butter Knives Out!
Bird Basting Box
The Girl On The Gravy Train
No Cornbread For Old Men
Get Out The Liquor
Fried Club
The Manchurian Canned Cranberry Sauce
A Time To Grill
The Hunt For Red Wine In November
12 Hungry Men
The Day After Thanksgiving Purge
Escape Your Family Room
Gone Gravy Gone
Now You See Meat
The Fat & The Furious
Bad Gastra
The Ate Team
The Girl With The Qanon Tattoo
The TransFatPorter
A History Of Violence Near The Dessert Table
Black Friday Swan

The Forbes 10 Under 10

Thu, 18 Nov 2021 22:08:28 +0000

Aiden Johnson
Residence: Valparaiso, Indiana
Education: 5th Grade
Toy they can’t live without: Animal Crossing: New Horizon for Nintendo Switch
The most senior member of our list, Aiden Johnson, took the 5th grade by storm with his realistic drawings of teachers crossed with animals, or “Aiden-morphs™” as he’s calling them. More than just a way to get some laughs and pass the time, Aiden is selling his drawings to his classmates for a dollar a pop. Now that’s one entrepreneurial youngster!
Mason Hampstead
Residence: Grand Rapids, Michigan
Education: 1st Grade
Toy they can’t live without: Lego Ninjago Playset
Fresh off his first season in little league, Mason Hampstead finds himself one of the preeminent names in the Western Michigan coach-pitch circuit. Hammering the ball all over the infield and only crying a handful times, 2021 was truly a breakout season for Mason. And the best part is, his dad just bought him a brand new blue glove for next year.
Lil’ Chloe McLaren
Residence: Geneva, Illinois
Education: 3rd grade
Toy they can’t live without: Anything horse related
If you look up the word “perseverance” in a modern dictionary, odds are you’ll see a photo of Chloe McLaren somewhere nearby. Upon moving from Sycamore, Illinois, to nearby Geneva, Chloe carved out a whole new identity for herself in her new school as the small girl! Finally owning her diminutive stature, Chloe, now simply known as “Lil,” is in the midst of a glow-up unlike anything we’ve ever seen.
Caden Boyer
Residence: Hermon, Maine
Education: 2nd grade
Toy they can’t live without: His keychain collection
While Michael Jackson may be marred in controversy for the remainder of time immemorial, young Caden Boyer assuredly is not. Upon learning from his older brother, Dave, how to do the Moonwalk, Caden has gone from shy wallflower to the undisputed king of his class. Going so far as to Moonwalk to the pencil sharpener, the bathroom, and somewhat impractically, when selecting a seat on the bus, Caden Boyer’s antics will have you wondering if this young boy really might have the power to “heal the world.”
Bryan Glover
Residence: Binghamton, New York
Education: 4th grade
Toy they can’t live without: Harry Potter Magic Wand from Universal Studios
Upon transitioning from 3rd to 4th grade, Bryan Glover was presented with an ultimatum: either help your father pick up the pinecones that have accumulated in the front yard or give up use of the television indefinitely. Bryan, ever the enterprising young man, came up with a mutually beneficial solution. For every pinecone that he picks up, he gets one minute of television time per evening. Being the suckers that they are, Bryan’s parents accepted the deal without delay. We look forward to seeing more of Bryan’s harsh negotiating skills in 2022 and beyond.
Madelyn Armstrong
Residence: Cedar Falls, Iowa
Education: Kindergarten
Toy they can’t live without: Hess Truck Set
William Shakespeare once said “be not afraid of greatness, some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them.” When it comes to five year old Madelyn Armstong and her end of the semester self-portrait for art class, all three are most certainly true. Not only did her picture more closely resemble a human being than any other child’s in the class, but she and her best friend Jamie drew themselves in the same shirt! Move over Grant Wood, Iowa’s got a hot new artist on the scene!
Kevin “Tater Tot” Malloy
Residence: Bellingham, Washington
Education: Pre-K
Toy they can’t live without: Whatever toy his older sister is playing with at a given moment is his favorite
This past year was a significant one for three year old Kevin Malloy. Not only did he learn to catch a ball (sort of), but he also started sorting objects by size and color. What a game changer! And what’s more, he had tater tots for the first time. When one talks of disruptors, one cannot help but mention the name Kevin Malloy.
Matthew “Matty” James
Residence: Kat...

Top Reasons Cited For Not Showing Up To The January 6th Committee

Wed, 17 Nov 2021 21:58:32 +0000

Had “a thing.”
Can’t stop refreshing for updates on the Disney+ spinoff series “Tiana”
Couldn’t read the subpoena due to darkness inside Charles Koch’s rectum.
Parent-teacher meeting for Nestor
Back-to-back vice-presidential briefings for JFK Jr
Previously scheduled menage-a-trois with Lauren Boebert and an AR-15
“Whah, I jest don’t have a thing to wear!”
Accompanying Q Shaman on a vision quest to white 1950s suburbia
A Case of the Mondays
“Read it for yourself – it’s not until January 6th, right?”
Totally booked between Pro-Life rallies and secret abortions
Going to a crowded indoor event during a pandemic is risky, suddenly.
“I have a note from my doctor/talk radio host.”
“Heh-heh, you said ‘poena.”

No, I Don’t Have A Gambling Problem And Here’s My Bank Statement From My Family Trip To The Carnival To Prove It

Tue, 16 Nov 2021 21:42:41 +0000

Carnival tickets for my wife and kids: –$80
Gas: –$40
Parking: –$10
Cotton candy: –$5
Fresh squeezed lemonade: –$4
Footlong corn dog: –$8
Pretzel: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
ATM cash withdrawal: +$400
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Shot of whiskey: –$6.50
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Shot of whiskey: –$6.50
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Attempt to pay off the carnival game worker: –$25
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Milk bottle game: –$3
Identical giant banana with dreadlocks from the gift shop: –$45
Wholesale price of the toy: $0.39
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Shot of whiskey: –$6.50
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Shot of whiskey: –$6.50
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Shot of whiskey: –$6.50
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Pack of cigarettes: –$5.40
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Bottle of whiskey: –$26.74
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
ATM cash withdrawal: +$30
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Ring toss game: –$4
Identical beta fish from the gift shop: –$15
Wholesale price of the beta fish: $0.08
Free throw game that takes card payments: –$5
Free throw game: –$5
Free throw game: –$5
Free throw game: –$5
Free throw game: –$5
Coffee: –$2
Free throw game: –$5
Free throw game: –$5
Free throw game: –$5
Free throw game: –$5
Free throw game: –$5
Coffee: –$2
Free throw game: –$5
Free throw game: –$5
Free throw game: –$5
Free throw game: –$5
Free throw game: –$5
Athletic looking guy I paid to make an attempt who was walking past: –$5
Free throw game: –$5
Free throw game: –$5
Free throw game: –$5
Free throw game: –$5
Free throw game: –$5
Some guy who gave me money to “help me get home” I don’t know why : +$20
Free throw game: –$5
Free throw game: –$5
Free throw game: –$5
Overdraft fee: –$35
Free throw game: –$5
Overdraft fee: –$35
Free throw game: –$5
Overdraft fee: –$35
Free throw game: –$5
Overdraft fee: –$35
Free throw game: –$5
Overdraft fee: –$35
Free throw game: –$5
Overdraft fee: –$35
Successful attempt to pay off a carnival game worker: –$55
Overdraft fee: –$35
Making memories to last a lifetime with my family: Priceless
Price of making memories to last a lifetime...

I Must Regretfully Decline Your Invitation to Beef

Fri, 12 Nov 2021 05:49:22 +0000

My dearest sir,
I write with the utmost sorrow to say that I cannot accommodate your recent invitation to beef. I received a staggering number of inquiries this year from a field of extraordinarily hostile and disagreeable applicants. Nothing would please me better than to crush each of your trifling asses like the detestable insects you are. But alas, my schedule renders that impossible.
I did appreciate your invitation’s admirable pith and the refreshing piquancy of your word choice. You have clearly read a great many bathroom walls. I furthermore understand that the choice of nemesis for purposes of public rivalry or vendetta is not made frivolously, even by such halfwit mediocrities as yourself, and I confess to declining your particular challenge with not a little regret.
I beg you not to construe this decision as a reflection upon your person, which is entirely loathsome, nor upon your undeniable gift for provoking rage. While rejection invariably invites self-doubt, of which you are in dire need, I encourage you to believe in your fundamental talent. You are remarkably easy to dislike. I have perfect confidence that you will soon attract an adversary hellbent on destroying you both personally and professionally, to whatever extent you can be said to have a profession, and I look forward to that with keen anticipation.
My enemies list is highly exclusive and that membership has been closed since you were an ill-considered gleam in your whiskey-addled father’s eye. No space on the rolls will be available, least of all for punk-ass clowns, until one of the current incumbents is forgiven or, in the more plausible scenario, dies. I should warn you out of courtesy that any attempt to create premature openings on the list by icing one of my established rivals shall be referred to the District Attorney.
Should circumstances compel one of my avowed foes to relinquish his or her position, I must advise you candidly that the prevailing standards are both stringent and daunting, words that may be familiar from your various efforts to pass the GED. Please understand that I am not trying to diss you. Dissing you is effortless, and therein, kid, lies the problem. Among my current nemeses are the ex-lover who attempted to auction my kidneys for Bitcoin, the corrupt FBI supervisor who contrived my imprisonment in Morocco, and of course the mysterious one-eyed man who gunned down my father outside the Yale Club of New York. I implore you to compare these nefarious misdeeds with your proposed strategy of unkind nicknames on Twitter. Sorry, sport. Were I to embark upon any new vendetta so late in my career, it could only be to combat such a truly fitting enemy as hunger, injustice, minimalist architecture, or a marine mammal who has cost me a limb.
But should you chance to run across metastatic melanoma, kindly tell that motherfucker I’m looking for him.
I am flattered that you, knucklehead guttersnipe though you may be, have selected me to antagonize. Nothing reflects more profoundly upon oneself than one’s choice of enemy. But, if you will pardon me for asking, what reflection would your limp-dicked junior-varsity enmity be on me? Have you made any contribution to science? Have you an authentic artistic voice? What has your sorry ass ever accomplished except the display of your sad personality disorder on an electronic medium with no coherent business plan? Have I studied on killing fools? I must, to my chagrin, admit it. But those were fools genuinely requiring study. It is not worth even the modest exertion of clipping you: you have no obituary on file at the Times. I suspect your energies would be better spent seeking a more compatible foe among similar no-account douchebags.
I must also request your forgiveness for replying with this form letter.
Let me close by wishing you ill luck in all future endeavors and hoping that medical science discovers some remedy for your face. Should circumstances unexpectedly change, my seconds will...

Snap, Crackle, Pop, Slurp: An Oral History

Fri, 12 Nov 2021 05:10:44 +0000

SNAP: There’s so much to say about this situation. I’m glad it’s finally being told.
CRACKLE: We were stuck. He was our brother, but also our colleague. Ya know?
POP: The world of onomatopoeic cereal marketing is very cutthroat, and our sibling was a corporate casualty. There were so many factors. It’s complicated.
SLURP: Kellogg’s said I sounded like a blowjob.
The beginning
SNAP: We started harmonizing while in diapers.
CRACKLE: I originally sounded more like a Chomp.
POP: And I was more of a Plop.
SNAP: But we all landed on our sounds eventually.
SLURP: Truth is, I got all the family talent. My brothers relied on exhalations and plosives. I had to give voice to an inhalation. It’s a much more technically complicated sound.
SNAP: Okay, yeah, Slurp was good. But cocky.
CRACKLE: He thought he was better than us, but we put up with it. We were driven.
POP: We wanted to be powerful voices for morning cuisine.
SLURP: Oh please. I was the only one who studied the high art scene of the midcentury Saturday morning era. They were just fame-whores.
The big break
POP: It took all of us to land the Kellogg’s account.
SLURP: My talented mouth got us that job.
CRACKLE: We rehearsed morning, late morning. Early afternoon.
SLURP: People know the casting couch as a cocktails-in-a-hotel-room sort of thing. But I’m here to tell ya it can be a coffee-in-a-breakfast-nook thing, too.
SNAP: Our hard work paid off. Kellog’s could hear we were naturals.
SLURP: No, my hard work paid off. Let’s just say there’d be no Rice Krispie treats had I not turned a few tricks.
The incident
SNAP: All was going well. Kellogg’s was happy.
CRACKLE: But Slurp was really hitting the milk hard. It started with Skim, but he was on Whole benders soon enough.
POP: Slurp would show up to recording sessions slurring his word.
BOB UNRUH, Kellogg’s head of AM Marketing (1952-66): I was already dealing with Tony the Tiger thinking he was so grrrreat. Plus Toucan Sam was following his nose to piles upon piles of coke. I had a lot on my plate, and Slurp was no longer part of a balanced breakfast.
SLURP: Yeah, I liked to have a good time. But so did everyone! Boo Berry floated up secretaries’ skirts. Lucky was blowing pots of gold on a major gambling addiction. That goddamn Trix rabbit was literally—LITERALLY!—stealing kids’ cereal. But I’m the bad guy because I liked to party?! Give me a break.
UNRUH: It was decided Slurp had to go.
SLURP: The truth is they had to silence me because I knew too much. Those Kellogg’s executives sure loved the sounds of my wet Slurps — until I threatened to tell their wives.
UNRUH: I’ll direct those allegations to legal.
SLURP: I’ve tried to get Ronan Farrow on my story, but he’s more of a brunch guy.
The aftermath
SNAP: Do I feel bad we became so popular once Slurp left? Sure. But what were we supposed to do?
CRACKLE: We had bills to pay. Kids to feed. Lazy parents to help feed those same kids.
POP: I tried reaching out to Slurp, but he stopped taking my calls.
SLURP: I tried to move on to grapefruit. Then 7-11 was interested in me for a little while, but turns out Slurpee and Slurp are very different sounds. I did manage a couple of soup commercials in China. But it was the adult film community where I finally found a home.
SNAP: No, I’ve never seen Slurp’s blue films. I’m a Christian.
SLURP: You might’ve heard my work in Spicy Dick-Tease. One, two, or three.
CRACKLE: Slurp made his choices.
SLURP: Oh, and Debbie Does Breakfast.
POP: I don’t know anything about that other life of his.
SLURP: Or my masterpiece, Deep Oat.
The legacy
SNAP: Sure, we got the money. The big houses. Cap’n Crunch’s finest yachts.
CRACKLE: The whole ASMR movement has been huge for us. I’m busier than ever!
POP: It’s been a sweet life for us all. I think I can speak for Slurp and say that he’s happy too.
SLURP: My OnlyFans is half off with code SPOONLICKER.

The Online Reviews I’m Endlessly Scrolling to Find

Thu, 11 Nov 2021 22:41:52 +0000

These gummy vitamins are good enough to take daily, but not so good that you’ll be tempted to eat a handful
Thanks to these, I’ll never have to Google, “Is it bad to eat seven gummy vitamins” again.
Finally: The Most Comfortable Pants In The World That No One Will Say Look Comfortable
I’ve worn these outside the house at least twenty different times and not one person (knock on wood) has said, “I like your pants, they look super comfortable.” Instead, they just say the first part of that sentence and then stop. I am amazed!
Gentle swaying passes for dancing at this SAD EXCUSE for a NIGHTCLUB
I’m not exaggerating when I say there were chairs everywhere and people seemed HAPPY (?!) to be SITTING COMFORTABLY and TAPPING THEIR FEET. The bar served LEMONADE. Not spiked. JUST LEMONADE. I could barely hear the music over all of the EXTREMELY EARNEST heart-to-heart conversations where people connected on a SOUL LEVEL. I mean, GROW UP!
Thanks to this fancy bar cart, people now assume I’m a sommelier when I spit out my wine
As soon as I brought this bar cart home, guests stopped doubting my pronunciation of “sauvignon blanc.” People used to groan when I pushed the cork all the way into the bottle. Now they ask for a tutorial. And when I take a big sip and go “Blerrggghhh,” they think I’m listing the tasting notes in French. Merci, fancy bar cart!
Perfect Airbnb for a romantic weekend getaway
Beautifully decorated home with gorgeous views and INCREDIBLY thick bathroom walls and door with soundproof paneling. A must-stay for cheese lovers.
Delete these string lights from your cart
You don’t need these string lights. I certainly didn’t. This is what I wish someone had told me. Maybe it’ll help.
Release your grip on that Pottery Barn Teen magazine from 2004. Notice the change in your body. Listen to your inner corkboard. You are your own wall of polaroid pictures. Wrap your mind in the quirky printed duvet of hope. Your bedroom is enough. You are enough. And you have better things to do than untangle yet another set of string lights.
These eyeglasses made me look cool in a casual way
I can never tell if I’m wearing the right glasses for my face shape. So I devised my own test. I wore these to my town’s art crawl, stood on the sidewalk, and posed, nonchalantly. That’s when it happened: an actual artist came up to me and said, “Cool glasses. Are you an artist?” I shrugged and counted three Mississippi’s before demurring, “I dabble.” Then I ran. It was a perfect night.
Worst Trivia Board Game I’ve Ever Played
This game was terrible — the categories were so random and specific:
The life works of Judy Garland
The complete musical book of An American in Paris
Lactose levels in the most popular cheeses
Items in the Pottery Barn catalog in the early aughts
Writers who got their big breaks after age 40
Who would even know this? Maybe one person on the planet. LOL. If that person has somehow stumbled upon this review, then congrats — you’ll probably win this awful game.

The Merchant of Venice Emails His Shipping Container Company To Inquire About His Delayed Sex Goods

Tue, 09 Nov 2021 22:25:18 +0000

About $24 billion in goods is estimated to be sitting outside California’s two biggest ports as the shipping backup there continues to put pressure on an already-brittle supply chain.— CNN, October 26, 2021
From: Antonio@MerchantofVenice.com
To: ContainerzzzzExpress
Subject: These delays are but screwing me
Good morrow,
Prithee, hear me, I am but waiting. Thou knowest that all my fortunes are at sea; Millions of ducats in sex product halted. Toys of scandalous pleasure, packed to the uttermost in that container waiting to satisfy the prickly privates of highly regarded men and women. I have much ado; my good Bassanio needs a loan to charter a private jet to woo a lover, and I need to but sponsor his quest to bed.
Now, where are my fornication-aid products? You say it has arrived at the Port of Los Angeles, but cannot be retrieved yet due to backlogs of vessels? Said you that but last month too, Sirrah. I have call-ed and call-ed from morn to night Yet, all I get is voicemail. You fiend, you try my patience. I am but done with this bullshit.
Antonio, The Merchant of Venice
From: Antonio@MerchantofVenice.com
To: ContainerzzzzExpress
Subject: FIE, FIE — I am still waiting for my sultry order
Sirrah,
WHAT IS WITH THIS INCREASED PRICE? WE AGREED TO JUST 4 DUCATS. Fuck your greedy want of 25 now for but one container of phallic fashions? Neither have I money nor commodity — just many dildos wading in the waters like veiny buoys. How might I raise a present sum to get them to land? If only I should get them to the brothels, they will pay a high price for fake cock now. I needeth from thou my merchandise. It but left the Eastern seas months ago — Thou art making waste of all I have: The hot sun is beating down on the rubber penises, warping them so they are bent — but not in a manner that mighteth be for her pleasure.
And Bassanio, my friend, his real loin, still is in throb. I have sworn to aid him in his quest for fair pussy. Now, his balls are becoming but a shade of blue.
Please do not ghost me, I am damn serious.
Antonio, The Merchant of Fucking Venice
From: Antonio@MerchantofVenice.com
To: ContainerzzzzExpress
Subject: In sooth, where the hell are my dildos?
How now,
Shall I send in the pirates? I cannot wait any longer for my cock products, nor for my dolls of sex, so fair they are too, like Bassanio’s innocent Portia. I fashioned them in her likeness —not that I have such a fetish.
I fear if you do not deliver my erotic playthings for the previously contracted sum, I will have to go to fucking Shylock who has a competitor’s stick up his anus.
Antonio, The Fucking Serious Merchant of Venice
From: Antonio@MerchantofVenice.com
To: ContainerzzzzExpress
Subject: SHALL I WRITE YOUR EPITAPH?
I AM ARMED AND WELL PREPARED TO WRITE YOUR EPITAPH IF YOU FAIL TO DELIVER MY CONTAINER OF COITUS COMMODITIES POSTHASTE.
I have but promised a pound of my covid flesh in exchange for the increased ducats you requested to move my goods ashore so that I might supply the ripe wants of society with shafts of pleasure, dolls of lust, and massive vibrators of gold.
NOW GIVE ME MY GLITTERING ORGASM AIDS, OR I SHALL GIVE YOU MY FISTS. Not the toys of fisting, but these fair, fleshy hands.
I say, I will not forfeit my freight. I have told my bloody creditor that I soon expect a return of thrice the value of his bond.
NOW MAKE GOOD ON YOUR OATH — DELIVER MY SIMULATED FORNICATION ITEMS. OR, YOU DAMN, CUT-THROAT PRUDE— I WILL SMITE THEE.
Antonio, Now the Merchant of VENGEANCE

Reasons That I'm Not Coming To Your Baby Shower

Fri, 05 Nov 2021 18:34:14 +0000

Everyone knows that you’re having the shower at Carl’s Jr because they gave you that “eat free forever” coupon after you found chunks of broken glass in your curly fries. I don’t suppose that same offer will apply to your guests at the shower? Hmmm? Yeah, I thought not.
You’re not having a baby; you’re considering maybe buying an iguana when you get your tax refund next year. Look, that’s great and all, but I’m not going to help you buy iguana-chow or whatever. You still live at home with your parents, con them into paying for the damned thing.
The erotic Hulk Hogan fan-fiction that’s been posted online and credited to me? I know that’s you, man. I know that’s you!!!
My eyebrows never grew back after the explosion at your Super Bowl party from several years ago. If you’re going to have a Super Bowl party at your cousin’s fully functioning meth lab, you have a duty to inform your guests of that very significant detail.
You know that I was sympathetic when you were stockpiling toilet paper during the pandemic. But to stockpile from the toilet paper that we had in our house? You know that my mom has Crohn’s!! That’s the last straw, man.
That new tattoo on your left arm of Denise giving you a hand-job? That’s not cool, man. That’s not what a friend does. Denise probably wasn’t the best girlfriend in the world, but I loved her a lot. We were even talking about living together at one point. You said that the tattoo was just supposed to be a joke, but if that’s the case, I really don’t get it.
It’s not funny to hide a person’s insulin, even under the guise of it being part of a “scavenger hunt”.
I’m assuming that most of your new friends will be at the baby-shower? I can’t hang with those guys. And, honestly, it seems like they’re more of a hastily thrown together fight club than actual friends. I have no interest in being hit over the head from behind again while shuffling a deck of World Of Warcraft cards.

Doesn’t My Stupid Ass Grandma Know About Inflation?

Fri, 05 Nov 2021 18:08:48 +0000

I love my Grandmother — truly I do. At 84 years old, she’s lived an impressive life. After becoming the first woman from her town to ever attend college, my Grandmother went on to a 55 year career in education. After a decades of teaching that saw her push to pilot a variety of new courses and programs, she was hired on as a Principal at the local middle school, where her attention to curricular detail helped secure some of the highest standardized test scores in the entire state. Such success eventually propelled her to the role of Superintendent of schools, where she was named state Superintendent of the year for 8 out of her 9 years in the position.
Upon her retirement, a gathering was held at the local football stadium as that was the only space big enough to hold the anticipated crowd. Speeches were given, tears were shed, and stories were told. And the one sentiment that came up time and time again was that “Dolores McGivern (Grandma) has got to be one of the smartest people I know.”
Well, I’m going to have to go ahead and disagree with that one.
Despite my Grandma’s success, everlasting legacy, and laundry list of accomplishments, her dumbass has been ignoring the fundamentals of economic inflation and giving me the same $20 dollar check for my birthday since I was six years old. And it’s time she got put on blast for it.
When I was young and those checks started rolling in, I was ecstatic. 20 bucks could get you a lot in 1996. In fact, I usually couldn’t even come up with a way to spend all of that money in a given year. So believe me when I tell you that I was incredibly appreciative of the money.at first. But as time passed and costs continued to go up, like a time capsule, that 20 dollar check remained exactly as is. And that’s where I really bristle with everyone’s assessment of my Grandmother. I know she has that statue of her out in front of high school and everything, but she doesn’t seem to understand how the economy works. I guess I always assumed that was one of the prerequisites of having a statue. I know that my Grandma helped thousands of children over her career in education, but her blatant disregard for the decreasing value of the USD, caused her to leave one child behind. Me.
Here’s what that $20 dollars should have looked with each passing birthday, had Grandma been a bit more fiscally aware:
1996: $20.00
2001: $22.56
2006: $25.70
2011: $28.67
2016: $30.59
2021: $34.80
Pretty staggering numbers, wouldn’t you say? Look at all of the money that has been left on the table thanks to Grandma’s inability to do math. If the value of that birthday card money increased incrementally, as it should have, who’s to say that I wouldn’t end up a different and much more successful person? A person who doesn’t spend their money on Only Fans and gas station breakfast sandwiches. No one can be sure! Now, I’m not saying the money was owed to me, but I’m definitely implying that that money was owed to me.
Grandma, I love you and I do find you to be an incredibly honorable and decent person. I’ve always appreciated the messages that you put inside of the cards, telling me how proud you are of me and whatever my endeavor of the moment was. Be it competitive water-skiing, trying to start my own online university, or opening that 24 hour food truck, you’ve always believed in me. I only wish you had believed in, and understood, the basic principles of economic inflation as much.

O Captain Crunch, My Captain Crunch And 9 Other Corporate Naming Rights Suggestions for Great Works Of Poetry

Thu, 04 Nov 2021 20:12:58 +0000

O Captain Crunch, My Captain Crunch – Walt Whitman
The Road Not Taken (To The Mall) – Robert Frost
Go Daddy – Sylvia Plath
Wild Turkey Nights – Wild Turkey Nights – Emily Dickenson
The Love Song of J. Crew Alfred Prufrock – TS Eliot
The Charge of the Bud Light Brigade – Alfred Lord Tennyson
Caged Bird’s Eye Frozen Dinners – Maya Angelou
Home (Depot) – Warsan Shire
Horatius At The Ben Bridge Jewelers – Thomas Babington Macaulay
The New Colossus Roller Coaster at Six Flags Magic Mountain – Emma Lazarus

Amendments to Your Wedding Guest List From Your Mom

Wed, 03 Nov 2021 20:02:30 +0000

Add: Your Fourth Cousin on Your Father’s Side, Tony
You’ve got to be kidding me with this. He better be invited! Who cares if you don’t remember him, he’s family!
Add: Your Mom’s Hairdresser, Denise
Denise is coming, and that’s all I’m going to say. (She’s practically family, and she could use a night out to meet a nice fella.)
Add: Your Tee-Ball Coach From When You Were Six, Coach Joey “Joe” Fazio
You still use the lessons he taught you—“follow through,” “tie your shoes,” “you’re running the wrong way”—and you’re not going to invite Coach Fazio? It doesn’t matter if we don’t know if he still lives around here, or is alive in general. We’ll do a Bing on him and find out. A tee-ball team is a family unit! (Also, I remember “Joe” being single, could be good for Denise.)
“Remember to slide feet first, unless you’re doing the electric slide. Actually, slide feet first then too.”
Remove: Your Parents’ Longtime Neighbors of 30 Years, The DeNunzios
Why are the DeNunzios invited to your wedding? Yes, I know they’re your godparents or whatever, but they didn’t come to our 4th of July party last year, and that’s not a very family-like thing to do! You want them at your wedding, yet you put up such a stink about poor Denise and Coach Fazio? I don’t get it.
Add: Your Parents’ New Neighbors on the other side of the DeNunzios, The Smiths
No, this isn’t a spite invite to get back at the DeNunzios. Not completely, anyway. It’s a nice way to welcome the Smiths into the neighborhood family.
Add: Your Aunt Bonnie’s Hairdresser, Sabrina
How can I invite my hairdresser without inviting your Aunt Bonnie’s hairdresser, Sabrina? Be reasonable! I’ve tried to impart the importance of family upon you, and I don’t want Bonnie and I to cause a scene at your wedding like we did at your sister’s.
“I even invited Sabrina, try to out-family that, Bonnie.”
Add: Janet
You remember Janet, right? Hmm, how do I explain Janet? She’s just. Janet. She’s always been around. Janet’s common-law family at this point.
Add: The Entire Waitstaff at the Olive Garden on the Boulevard
When you’re family, you’re always family. Here, there, and everywhere. It’s not a location-based attribute. (Although, the staff at the other Olive Garden–you know, the one down by the
mall–they were impolite, and we won’t be inviting them. It‘s “unlimited” breadsticks, not “seven baskets is all we’re allowed to hand out” breadsticks.)
Remove: The Caterers You’ve Hired
Tell them they won’t be needed, or welcome. Your Nonna said she would take care of all the food and that a family meal would be her wedding gift. She’ll unfortunately be stirring the gravy during your ceremony, so you’ll have to get married again at a later date for her to watch. Maybe the second time can be in a church instead of on some bucolic estate?
“🎵If it’s not in a house of the lord, it don’t count.🎵”
I know you already agreed (or “gave in,” as you put it) about inviting Janet, but this is bothering me. You really don’t remember Janet? She’s got that purple pocketbook. Janet, you know, she had that dog. That funny dog. No, I don’t remember its name.
Add: Sister Sledge
We are family! They literally sang about it!
Add: The Heads of New York’s Five Families (aka the Leaders of La Cosa Nostra)
I want them to “come to me on the day of my child’s wedding,” for once. Is that too much to ask? And don’t you want your wedding to bring these families together as one?
“Yes that’s right Don Barzini, it was a beautiful ceremony.”
I figured out how you’ll remember her: Janet works at Kohl’s. Yes, the lady who gives me extra Kohl’s Cash, that’s Janet! Anyway, she came by the other day and we had one of our chats.
Listen to this: Janet’s friend from work’s cousin’s ex-landscaper’s neighbors just got married and they went to this Virgin Island resort on their honeymoon and they died scuba diving. Isn’t that awful? Which brings up another thing: you’re not going scuba diving on your honeymoon.
Remove: Your Best Man, Pat Dipetrio
I think we...

How To Do The Impossible: Getting Water Out of a Tire

Tue, 02 Nov 2021 18:08:25 +0000

Straw
Dry cleaners
Free vacuum from the gas station
Roll tire into a large bag of rice
Phylum porifera (Sponge)
Roll tire into a large bag of silica gel packets
Extract with a syringe and plunge outside of tire
Roll tire into warm climate and wait for evaporation
Hold tire up to a hand dryer in a public restroom
Roll into freezing climate, wait for ice block to form, and remove it
Hold tire up to a pneumatic tube in a bank drive thru
Roll tire through the car wash so the towel guys can dry it off at the end
Add heat to the tire, a half cup of the rice from earlier, and eat cooked rice out of the tire
Build a tire swing and swing all the way around the branch
Add cheese sauce mix, 1 tablespoon of butter, boiled noodles, and eat mac ’n’ cheese out of the tire
Turn tire inside out with the help of an orangutan
Add hydrogen peroxide drops to the tire and put on its side
Invite a crossfit class to go to town on the tire with sledgehammers
Chainsaw
Set tire on fire
Shoot it with a gun so the bullet holes will drain it
Construct a michelin man with the tire, grant him sentience, and conduct gastric bypass surgery on him to remove the water
Attach tire to a 2004 Pontiac Aztek and drive it into the back of a tanker truck
Construct another michelin man with the tire, grant him sentience, construct another michelin man, grant him sentience without a conscience, and command the second one to stab the first one to death
Attach tire to a city bus, tell passengers a bomb will detonate if the bus travels below 50 MPH , demand 3.7 million dollars as a ransom, and watch the bus narrowly avoid destruction only to collide with a cargo plane
Construct a michelin man samurai with the tire, construct a samurai clan of michelin men, construct a rival clan that defeats them, and watch as the anthropomorphic tires commit seppuku allowing the water to drain out
Attach tire to a 1966 Thunderbird convertible, go on a secret road trip with your best friend, kill a man who attempts to sexually assault her in a bar parking lot, narrowly outrun the law, and drive off a cliff
Take tire to a local incinerator ($3.00 per/tire)

The Rules of Baseball Caps

Thu, 28 Oct 2021 18:21:45 +0000

If someone notices that you are wearing the baseball cap of a team from a city other than the one you are currently in, including your region or metropolitan area—or the closest Major League Baseball team if your region or metropolitan area does not have an MLB team of its own—you must sound or look happy about this recognition.
Let’s say the cap in question is an Expos cap. If someone else utters “Go Expos” or a similar phrase, you must express return excitement verbally or via a gesture. The sound or gesture must be such that a typical, rational person would interpret it as a sign of enthusiasm.
If this other person is also wearing a cap from the uniform of said out-of-town team, then you must point at yours, smile, and shrug as if to say “small world” or implicitly ask “how about that?”
If you want to be really bold, you can ask “Are you an Expos fan?” or “Êtes-vous de Montréal?” But be prepared for this to turn into a whole conversation, or for the other person not to have time to talk to you. Just because they have the same cap as, or a similar cap to, yours does not mean that you are destined to be best pals.
These rules likewise apply, in modified form, to any band shirt.
If someone sees you in an Expos cap and, smiling, points to their own—the same light-blue Expos cap that you are wearing, except it’s a bit faded because they have been wearing it for longer than you have—you should not grimace and look away as you walk past instead of at least acknowledging the gesture with a modicum of human kindness. Because if you do look away like this person is bothering you, what exactly was your game when, of all the caps in the world, you chose to don this one? Were you wandering the streets of suburban New Jersey, waiting for some mark to come by and notice that you were wearing the same cap as he was, so that you could send the message that “Only an idiot would like this Expos cap, let alone wear it?”
Is that the sick way that you try to raise your own flagging self-esteem at the expense of others who are having a rough weekend and trying to unwind for one minute in the shade with a cold-brew coffee until you come by to remind them that they don’t fit in and never will, that any feeling of kinship with another human that they may think they’re experiencing is even more fleeting than the time the National League team now known as the Washington Nationals spent at Olympic Stadium (and, before that, Jarry Park)? If that’s what you’ve set out to do, keep in mind that it is against The Rules of Baseball Caps.
No matter where you are, none of the above rules apply to Yankees caps, which people wear as a fashion accessory or something and not because of an interest in, or attachment to, the team. Who cares? Let’s go Mets and Expos.

New Listing: Dead Body Will be Removed with All Waived Inspections

Wed, 27 Oct 2021 19:11:47 +0000

$309,900
Welcome home to this modestly appointed rancher constructed in haste post-WW II. Dark wood paneling abounds in this sprawling 3 bed 1 bath single-level home. Enter the paneled foyer that opens to a living room with not one, but two bold wallpaper choices that meet mid-room over a deep wine-colored carpet.
Take a trip back in time to a retro kitchen that retains all of its style and original appliances. Electric stove will excite the cook in your life!
Appreciate all of the original details of the home including single pane windows, baseboard heating and lead paint. With the ventilation provided by 27 original windows, you won’t even miss not having A/C.
Paneling follows you through the home like the string of bad choices that led you to move to this place. Take the narrow fluorescent-lit hallway to three carpeted bedrooms and a bathroom remodeled in 1985 without permits.
When you look up, the claustrophobia induced by the drop ceiling will only be reinforced by a 30-year mortgage on this overpriced gem with astronomical taxes in a school system you won’t use.
Laundry hookups located in basement. Cinderblocks generously scattered throughout lower level to elevate items in case of flooding.
An attached garage provides ample storage for your vehicle, mower and vision of who you had hoped to become.
Conveniently located next to I-83, this land used to house an orchard. While you gaze out across the 1.8 acres, contemplate how motivated you are to move out of your parents’ house while wondering if there is still arsenic in the soil.
Current owners have enjoyed this property while feeding stray cats for 20 years and do not know the age of roof.
This property is being sold as-is. Schedule your private showing today! See this one before it’s gone!
Walk score: 7
Schools: -3
Taxes: 8,300
Property is in a flood zone.
Disclosure: Property back on market because septic failed inspection.
Disclosure: Previous owner died from cancer possibly caused by arsenic soil.
Accepting offers at 5pm today!!!

The Email Graveyard

Tue, 26 Oct 2021 21:16:33 +0000

Your Guide To Being A Spookily Great HalloWingman: Tips On Helping Your Buddy Get The Most, Best Candy While Trick Or Treating

Fri, 22 Oct 2021 18:15:32 +0000

Don’t attempt to dress up in a better, more colorful costume than your friend. Remember, you’re there to help him get candy. You’re not there to get candy for yourself.
Help your friend to maintain focus. It’s important to not expel all of your energy too early in the evening. There’s plenty of candy out there for everyone! You don’t want to get home and realize that you filled your bag with a bunch of candy that you don’t want; it’s okay to be selective.
It’s a mistake to appear too eager! Have your friend play it cool and hang back from the crowd a bit. The person handing out treats will be intrigued by the indifference, and your friend may end up with a couple of extra fun-size Twix bars in his bag.
No need to compare the amount and selection of candy collected with other trick or treaters. This sort of banter is frivolous, and could even be hurtful if overheard by those dispensing the treats. Remember, they don’t have to do this; they could just as easily turn that porch light off.
Don’t make the foolhardy, novice mistake of rushing home and blindly tearing into the candy. This is not only crude behavior, but could also be dangerous. Carefully unwrap each piece of candy, and examine carefully. Why rush the experience? Be on the lookout for anything that could hurt you, or make you sick.
In the days following Halloween, it’s bad form to brag about the number of variety of candy that you were able to collect. Tacky and classless. Don’t be that guy.

I’m Michael Myers from Halloween and I Just Want to Talk About Your Car’s Extended Warranty

Thu, 21 Oct 2021 18:30:40 +0000

I can tell from that look of shock that you weren’t expecting me to track you down. Again. But no matter how many times you change your phone number or fake your own death, I’m going to find you. Not because I’m a psychopath with some bizarre drive to kill you, but because I want to save you money on auto repair costs.
I’ve been called evil, soulless and obscenely persistent. So when Warranties R Us transitioned from spamming every cell phone in the country with robocalls to using real live (or possibly undead) sales agents, I was the logical choice. Also, I need to save up for retirement. Terrorizing small midwest towns is a young man’s game.
So I’ve come back to Haddonfield not to strangle you with a telephone cord (who even has a landline these days?) but to make sure you don’t get financially strangled by expensive car maintenance. And no matter what you drive, I can get you coverage. Even if your car is older than this movie franchise.
Did you know a typical dealer warranty expires sooner than the lag time between Halloween I and Halloween II? That could leave you more vulnerable than a babysitter home alone during the month of October. What could be worse than needing a costly repair only to find out that your car’s original warranty has disappeared, like my body after I was shot six times and fell off a balcony?
That’s why you need this coverage. Unfortunately, every time I approach someone with my sales pitch, they say things like, “Why are you stalking me?” and “I’m a teenager, I don’t even own a car!” and “Help!”
But do I give up? No. I’ve been committed to several high-security institutions over the years, but now I’m committed to saving you money!
If you’re screaming now, wait until you find out that I can get you a plan for just $2 a day. That’s an entire year for less than it cost to reattach those fingers I severed back in 2018.
Plus, it covers preventative maintenance so you know your car will be responsive when you have to swerve because a masked, knife-wielding killer appears in your headlights. And you’ll have peace of mind when you’re careening down the road and someone throws a dead body onto your hood (glass coverage extra).
Gear shift damaged from your best friend getting impaled on it? Covered! Upholstery ripped from a knife going right through your boyfriend’s chest? Covered! Dents and scratches from someone clinging to the roof while stabbing you through the driver’s side window? All covered! Plus, premium customers get blood and guts removal at no extra charge.
This is a deal people would die for. Let me put my superhuman strength to work for you, getting you the best rate possible.
You can shoot me in the chest, gouge my eyes out, stab me with a knife, impale me with a knitting needle, burn me alive, hit me with a truck, throw me down a mine shaft and blast me with dynamite, electrocute me, trap me in a room full of gas and light a match, throw me off a roof, and behead me with an ax, but nothing will stop me from coming back again and trying to sell you this warranty.
Face it. There’s no escaping this great deal. But if you don’t stop screaming, I may have to use the knife on you.
What’s that? You don’t own a car anymore?
No problem. I’m also happy to talk about consolidating your credit card debt.